​There is almost nothing more painful than believing there is something wrong with you, as if you came with some innate, but undefined flaw hidden deep inside your soul. Exactly what the flaw is, you are not certain, only that it exists and that others can sense it too.
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As painful as this is, the flaw, if it exists at all, is not even the real problem. Believing oneself flawed – and more people feel this way than you might guess – is only a cover for the real problem, and that is why trying to fix it almost never works.

The real problem is being separated from life, feeling disjointed and apart, isolated and unable to connect – really connect – with anyone or anything, like a plant uprooted from the soil, or bones that have broken apart.

But we don’t often see that this is the real problem, because the feeling of being cut off from our source and lost in a void of endless nothingness with no ground and nothing to hold onto, puts a lie to the fact of life itself, and that is too painful to bear.

So the ego/mind says, “There is something wrong with me,” and this thought feels like a safe harbor, finally, in the emptiness; a place to land where pain has a name and a reason, and where we have a purpose and even a ready excuse.

In truth, we can never be separate from our source or lose our connection with life. But it is part of the human condition to forget this and become lost in the fragments of our thoughts and the portions of our lives rationed out in time and space. We can mistake ourselves for one of these fragments and wander adrift and buffeted by an anonymous, uncaring universe in which we have no roots and no place. That is the only pain we ever really feel and that is always the real problem.

Fixing the Real Problem

Forgetting ourselves is a problem that comes with being human – “something wrong with me” – being only one of the ego’s many fixes for it. But the fixes can never work because the ego is the problem it is trying to solve.

​Fortunately, there are two ancient and well-traveled pathways for addressing and resolving the real problem. One is the way of the heart and one is the way of the will. They both have infinite variations and they both lead to the same result: remembering ourselves and knowing our perfect and innate worthiness simply by virtue of our existence.

Taking the first step on one of the following paths might feel difficult or painful at first – if you feel isolated, it can feel hard to step out the hard shell of exile that has formed around you. But if we start the process, like gently moving broken bones into position so they can heal, life will take it from there, entering the pathways made whole by our intention, and flowing through them again.

Each step leads to the next and the next, returning us gradually to real life where we can remember who we are and what we are doing here. Try either of the following pathways, start small, take the smallest step you can imagine, and that will be the perfect step.

The Way of the Heart: Serving Life

When our goal is to help someone else we forget the ego/mind for a moment, and draw upon the infinite well of our true essence. We may feel that we don’t have the strength, desire or wherewithal to offer anything to anyone – but this first step always has to be taken by us. This is like gently pressing the roots back into the earth and patting the soil firmly around them. Even by creating these first conditions for life to take hold, we will feel its flow returning – but this first step is ours. Start somewhere:

• Notice the presence of someone walking past you in the grocery store.
• Listen to what your child or pet is trying to tell you. Join your awareness with him or her and listen, for even just a moment.
• Return back to the soil an earthworm washed onto the sidewalk by the rain.
• Let another car move ahead of you in traffic.
• Open the door for someone.

Love is powerful and fear is not, so caring for others draws upon the innate power of Self, which is the same as love. Even if you can hardly imagine the idea of caring about anything, or access only the tiniest stream of kindness, then be that. Love will start to move in you and give you more strength. Now take another step. Say “Hello” to your neighbor or volunteer at an animal or homeless shelter.

Each action will help you remember and return to yourself, inspiring you to new ideas and further actions – follow these ideas and inspirations and let them lead you right back into yourself.

As the 13th century poet, Rumi, says: ​

The Way of the Will: Being Impeccable With Your Word

The ego, in its limited capacity, defined the pain we felt as, “something wrong with me,” and devised many clever ways to resolve the problem – getting more stuff, more attention, the best prize, being “good,” being on top, seeking oblivion, avoiding commitment, and myriad others. Only, none of these things can ever work because they are all attempts at making the experience of separation tolerable, which it can never be. 

If we let the ego/mind have its way, we get lost, and the more we let it have its way, the more lost we get. The initial freedom it seems to offer only leads to steeper gradations of meaninglessness and separation, and a greater need for more stuff, more attention, being good and all the rest. 

It often takes half a lifetime before we recognize that the ego’s solutions are not working. But once we do, that is a good day because that means we are ready to develop the spiritual will over the ego’s will – and now we are following the way of happiness and peace.

Keeping the spiritual will, even if we start with the smallest promise and keep it only one day, and then another, immediately allows a new awareness: that we have the necessary qualities to keep a promise, and therefore, we have something intrinsic on which we can rely, we have value, there is something good and true within us that we are. With steady progress we also discover that staying true to our promises for chores and obligations allows us to apply that same strength to our dreams and goals; our lives start working out.

But keeping one’s word requires strength, strength we often don’t have. Like a muscle, if we have lost our spiritual will the muscle is weak and we can’t count on ourselves – it feels too hard. So just like building a muscle, we have to start small: start with one small thing and keep your promise – no matter what. Start with the tiniest promise: 

    • Sweep the porch.
    • Clear a space on your desk for the next day’s work.
    • Go on a walk.
    • Say a silent grace before the next meal.
    • Make the call you have been putting off.

By keeping our word, one small promise at a time, we build an inner strength that allows us to touch down upon something true and real – and it is us. 

Rumi says:​​

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​Sometimes people think if the love in a relationship is no longer there, the relationship is over. This is not true! Love is a state of being and not dependent on anything outside of it – and that means we can all be love.

If two people in a relationship are unloving toward one another, they are sometimes waiting for the other one to love them. Each person thinks he or she will be loving once the other person behaves well toward them, treats them kindly or somehow shows some love. But this never works and it cannot, because if we have closed the door on our love flowing out, it can’t flow in either.

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​When one person decides to be loving the whole relationship can become love. It might take a while – if the relationship has been like a neglected garden it will take some tending, but every moment of love makes it more a place of beauty, sustenance and joy.

Sometimes, people mistake allowing themselves to be treated meanly or abused as being loving. There might seem to be a fine line between forgiveness and taking part in an unhealthy dynamic. But it is not fine at all.

The way to tell the difference is with love. Being loving always includes loving oneself, and that is to recognize your inherent human dignity, just as you recognize that essential truth in the beloved. Treat the other as the tender soul he or she is, and do not allow your tender soul to be treated badly.

Of course, every garden will follow the path of least resistance if allowed to go its own way, and then the weeds and stronger plants take over. This is true for us too – doesn’t it sometimes seem easier to be lazy, put off until tomorrow what we should do today and have a second serving? And sometimes it is important to be lazy and enjoy the sun while it shines.

But every garden needs tending and so do we. Being willing to hear the hard things, see the flaws and make corrections in ourselves are all part of love too. Because integrity is another word for love, it means “whole, intact, complete,” so as we strive for integrity, and ask others in our orbit to do the same, we are aligning with the whole and essential truth of ourselves: the power and potential of who we are.
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May the weeds be effortless and your garden bountiful!

I will sing you a song
Of a garden fair,
Wherein were sown seeds
That brought blossoms rare.
H. Fussell

​Maybe we have all done this: made a mistake, even a long time ago, that still seems so grievous and painful to our sensibilities that we can’t let it go.

And yet, at the time, it made sense; it was what we wanted, or we were acting on automatic, unthinking and oblivious. Only later, do we realize the true consequences and harm that resulted. But it cannot be undone.

The error part of our ‘trial and error’ life is the part that seems so hard! But this is also the part with all the richness, because inside every mistake is a stepping stone on the path to Self.

Forgiveness completes the step, but how do you forgive yourself so that it is real? So that it sticks?

Forgiveness

Before forgiving ourselves, we usually have to at least try to rectify a mistake. After all, we can’t just run over someone’s groceries out of spite, forgive ourselves and drive on.

Rectifying a mistake – making it right – is very healing, for us and all of life. Basically, it means that we look into the depths of the ignorance from which our action came – reflect on its motivations and consequences, make amends and learn the lessons.

Now we are ready to take the steps of forgiveness. Each step draws us closer to a greater paradigm, with more access to love and truth. That is the opportunity but also the risk, because as you may know, the ego/mind hates a new paradigm.

Ready? Here are the steps:

Step One: Describe the mistake for which you seek forgiveness.

In as few words as possible, describe the mistake.

• I drove over my neighbor’s groceries on purpose.

Step Two: Be present with the pain of the mistake. Allow the pain to touch you.

How?

• Breathe it in.
• Draw it to you.
• Cringe at remembering the action and its effects, and instead of moving away from the feeling, surrender into it.
• Bring your attention to your body and notice where the pain is felt, breathe into it and surrender.

Maybe just thinking of the mistake feels painful. And yet, when we made it, it wasn’t painful – we were oblivious.

Ignorance is essentially our alignment with the ego’s belief that it is distinct and separate from life. This is a really painful illusion, but ignorance doesn’t feel any pain.

So the pain we feel now is illuminating our evolution, showing us how we have grown and become more aware of the significance and responsibility of our presence in life.

Step Three: Remember the person or persons involved in the event or circumstance.

Recall him, her or them, allowing all the associated images, words, memories and senses into the mind.

• See the face or faces, and the expressions there.
• Recall the surrounding environment, the temperature and smells.
• Hear the words spoken.

Step Four: With the true regret you feel, say to him, her or them, I’m sorry.

• I’m sorry.

Or, say a variation: I am sorry, or, I am so sorry.

Say it with your whole heart. Find and draw upon the true, deep feelings within you.

Add no other concepts than the expression of regret and apology. In this step our purpose is only to express the deep remorse we feel, using the words as a vehicle.

Step Five: Say, I forgive you; be forgiving.

• I forgive you.

Use precisely these words; don’t say, I forgive myself or use any other words.

• Say, I forgive you.

As you say the words, be allowing and forgiving. ‘I’ and ‘you’ are general and infinite; you are simply in the experience of forgiveness.

Be forgiving. Being forgiving is like being generous or being hungry. When you truly experience either of these states you are not trying, acting or performing; you become them – you are generous or you are hungry. It is the same with forgiveness; be forgiving.

Step Six: Accept forgiveness.

Start with the physical experience:

• Relax and open the solar plexus and the chest.
• Breathe in and accept the air.
• Now breathe in and accept forgiveness.
• Let forgiveness blanket you with its gentleness.
• Allow forgiveness to filter into your deepest being.
• Accept forgiveness completely.
• Be forgiven.

Complications

Accepting forgiveness can sometimes seem like the hardest step, but it is also one of the most powerful things we can do as human beings. The acceptance in this step is a conscious act of evolution: by our own will we let go of a previous paradigm (shame, fear, being wrong), and by accepting love – which is what forgiveness is – become it. We gain entry to a greater paradigm, our experience of life expands, we are more Self, less ego.

Forgiveness is like a doorway: by entering, we become what we are now and leave behind what we were. But we may not want to! This is the real struggle with forgiveness (of ourselves or others).

So here, at the very last step, the ego might have lots of reasons for why forgiveness is not possible. Remember, it has a lot to lose! Every step we take into becoming the truth of what we really are is a step away from the ego – and it needs our life energy to flourish.

Let’s see what the ego’s reasons are. Let’s let all the reasons have their say and stand here, naked, in the light of our awareness.

Reason One: It is Unforgivable

Really?

Let’s look at the sequence of events that brought us to this point:

• We were born, and entered the field of life as human beings.
• Along the way, we made a mistake out of the ignorance we thought we were.
• Sometime later, we realized our mistake.
• It was as if the anesthesia wore off and we woke up.
• Now we feel the pain and it feels terrible.
• We’ve been stuck ever since.

One thing to notice is that if we can feel the pain of the mistake (or if the pain is now greater than whatever was driving the mistake), it means we woke up. And that is the path: to wake up from the anesthesia.

Remember ignorance? The illusion of being separate from life? That is how the illusion of being separate from life acts; that is how ignorance acts. Of course we did then what we did.

Now that we can see the illusion at the source of the action, we are beyond it. We are more in touch with the divine light of life that is our true nature. It is possible now to feel embraced by the love that comes with this understanding.

This is what we find out with every step of awakening: ignorance is forgivable because it is not what we are. Realizing this, we can now also see there is nothing to forgive.

Yes, we experience the consequences of our actions, and sometimes they are very grave. But accepting consequences is different than not being forgivable. The trick is to not let the ego/mind get attached to the consequences, but to accept them gratefully and use them as stepping stones back to ourselves.

Reason Two: Guilt

Sometimes guilt has deep roots that seem connected to a zillion wrong things since forever. If so, this requires our gentle attention as we bring the light of awareness into each wrong thing, to heal and see it in a new light.

But here is what we will always find as the final piece of guilt: the ego likes it. The ego/mind actually likes guilt. Notice how this is so: how comfortable, familiar and safe is guilt. Or how pleasurable; a distraction and ready excuse for our limitations. Or even a game, the ego playing both sides: punisher and punished.

Ego’s love guilt, and of course they do as it is very egocentric. So we don’t blame them for wanting to roll around in it, but as students of consciousness, we can ask ourselves,

• Is following the ego into guilt what I really want to do with my life in this moment?

Reason Three: We Might do it Again

We might like to think being unforgiven keeps us from making the same mistake, but that is not true. If we have not done it again that is because we chose not to do it again.

We chose out of the power of what we are now. The ‘We Might do it Again’ excuse is like leaving the training wheels on and pretending they are keeping the bike upright. This is one of the ego’s zillion versions of a no-risk, no-responsibility position – one of the ego’s favorites. It is a way of pretending that we are not answering the eternal question: Self or ego? But we are answering.

The thing about waking up is that it can be hard to pretend to be ignorant again. Waking up can feel bracing and make us want to burrow back into the dark warmth of ignorance. But we did wake up, so now we have two choices: pretend we didn’t – or pedal on. That’s life!

Reason Four: Being Unworthy and Undeserving

• Because we are fundamentally flawed, wrong and bad.

• Because we have done bad things.
• Just because.

Simply by existing within the infinite oneness of all creation, all things are worthy of reverence – including us.

But accepting this truth can feel very vulnerable. Be vulnerable. Let the infinite presence of life melt you and take away your defenses against it. Be absolved and let cold isolation flow away.

As with guilt, we may need to bring our attention to whatever sustains the ideas of ‘unworthy’ and ‘undeserving’ to heal and release them. After following the roots all the way to their source, we will discover the ego, trying to maintain its separate relevance against the sea of life.

We can see now that the ego/mind and its perceptions are not life and do not really have existence – just as we discover with every illusion we unwind.

The Ego’s Ways

So what about all the bad actions, mean thoughts, vengeance, hatred, greed, and all the rest of it?

The ego can behave in ways that appear ugly and dark, and when we become aware of its hidden motives and designs we see them as contrary to our true natures. And they are. The ego seems to be part of our nature, but it really is not. The ego/mind is essentially the animal instinct; we are responsible for its expressions, but we are not it. That is why it feels painful each time we realize a deeper layer of its purposes. But this is also our freedom because now we can choose differently – when in our previous ignorance we could not.

Accepting Forgiveness

Forgiveness is nothing but love; accept it and let go of one more layer of separation. Open into the eternal oneness of All That Is and realize you are that.

Forgiveness is accepting the next step on the path of life. We step into the light and open air where there is always the risk of tripping up and making another mistake (and we will!). And therein is our next step on the path to Self.

How to Forgive Yourself

In summary,

• Describe the mistake for which you seek forgiveness.
• Be present with the pain of the mistake. Allow the pain to touch you.
• Remember the person or persons involved in the event or circumstance.
• With the true regret you feel, say to him, her or them, I’m sorry.
• Say, I forgive you; be forgiving.
• Accept forgiveness.   

​Have you ever thought about what kind of glasses you wear? They frame the world and make “reality” seem real.

Person A gets on a bus and passes by person B, who is on the bus already, looking out the window, sitting beside an empty seat.

Why did person A not take the seat beside person B? That is a question only the ego would ask; Self knows there is no answer.

 
But the ego always has to explain everything because life as it truly is – infinite, flowing wholeness unfolding within an infinite context – is way too scary. So we ask these ego questions all the time – and answer them too. And, depending on our glasses, we get all kinds of answers:

• A person who wears gender-glasses will see person A avoiding – not just passing by. but avoiding – person B and call it sexism.
• A person who wears race-glasses will see a similar thing and call it racism.
• Same thing for a person wearing brown shoes-glasses, who sees brown shoes-ism.

Isms

“Isms” – like sex, race and brown shoes-ism – are very popular and they all have a common thread. In all isms the ego is positioning itself somewhere in the vast infinity of life. Otherwise, it would merge with All That Is and that would be the end of it.

We are not the ego, but we forget ourselves and think we are. So it always helps us remember when we stand back a little and see what the ego is up to.

So the ego, from this position of being some “where” in everything-ness, perceives life as pieces separate from each other, just as it is separate. And it perceives that all the pieces “out there” are acting on each other like bumper cars. With that perspective, things are good or bad, someone wins, someone loses, someone is harmed and someone is doing the harming.

We could call these victim/perpetrator glasses, and all isms carry this theme too. Besides explaining the world and why everything is happening, the ego loves victim/perpetrator because it is always right, there is always someone to blame and someone to fight. Plus, it makes the ego the good guy – naming the evil and saving the day.

Brown Shoes Reality

Reality wars happen when one faction – the brown shoes people, let’s say – insist their reality is the real one and everyone else needs to fall in line and own up to their inner brown shoes-ism.

The brown shoes people – or any ism people – are fierce and can sweep the world up into a big wave and now this is everyone’s reality; everyone is a victim or a perpetrator. The wave keeps building and building, it takes on a life of its own. There are never enough wrongs and never enough blame. Everyone scrambles for a position, and the ego’s favorite position is savior – the one who names and vanquishes the perpetrator.

When the world has coalesced into one of these giant waves, it is very compelling and seems hard to avoid its pull. Therefore, it is helpful to keep some general guidelines in mind:

• Victim/perpetrator is always inherently false. It is false because it never includes the true context; it is the ego’s perspective, based in separation, emotion and survival.
• It always leads to vengeance and tyranny.
• The maligned group always gets harmed.
• Even though it can seem correct and righteous when you’re caught up in it, it is never loving or enlightened.

So, what to do? If you strive to be good and true and the prevailing “reality” seems real, what can you do to find out for sure?

• First, we can consider that our glasses – our position – determine the way we see the world. A very good way to step out of illusion is to assume that how we see the world and others is a snapshot of our consciousness, and the qualities we see “out there” are our own. If we see brown shoes-ism everywhere, it is because we judge and explain everything in terms of whether or not someone wears brown shoes.
  
  
• Next, we can go outside our paradigm and look things up. Both sides in one of these dynamics will have “facts,” so we usually have look beneath them to get closer to the truth. This is easier said than done! Looking things up is one of the hardest things in the world because it directly threatens the ego’s position, and therefore, it’s “life.” However, if you are sincere, it is very powerful spiritual practice. Here are some helpful guidelines if you want to take it on.
  
  

If we really seek the truth about anything, we will encounter the ego’s edge – and this feels like an existential crisis. But as students of consciousness, we seek this out because every time we step beyond this edge we know Self more truly and know also, that there is no death and only life. Do you know how to find the ego’s edge and step beyond it? Here, I’ll show you.

Accept the Gift
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The world is a great gift from the universe. It is always giving us clues about who we are and what we’re doing here in the great puzzle of infinity.

The clues are everywhere – they are in everything we see, hear and experience – and anything that is not love, is the ego. So if we see we are doing, thinking or feeling something that is not love, we can step back and observe our perception. We will always find a corresponding piece within ourselves. Bringing awareness to this helps us go beyond it. Then, we see the exact same thing “out there” but in a larger context – and we have more truth in our perception.

Stepping back and observing our perception makes the next question obvious: What is observing? We are – and every time we step back from being the ego, caught up in its realities we have taken a step out of illusion.

Which is so joyful and enlightening! And it leads to the next question: If this isn’t reality, what is?

And here we are, because that question is a doorway to capital “R” Reality and the true Self. Taking the path that leads beyond this door makes the whole world better because now we are contributing to life instead of its destruction, we are bringing peace instead of fighting for our version of reality.

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Welcome to part two of a Dangerous Topic: gender identity. (Here’s Part One.) Looking at the gender identity issue really does feel dangerous! Why is that?

Because it is about us. Collective consciousness, or the world at large, will always be our mirror, and it will especially show us what we have suppressed and pretend does not exist. (And therein lies the danger.)

We can always look at the collective scene to see what we’re hiding from ourselves – and when some aspect seems especially loud or unsubtle, that is when it is emerging out of the basement of our collective consciousness and into the light of day.

The transgender issue seems pretty loud right now, so let’s listen and maybe we can find a deeper truth about ourselves.  

​The Issue

Transgender people seem to feel that the person they are is not reflected in the body they have, and more, that the sex of the body is not the sex they feel or believe themselves to be. There is great anguish in this discordant mismatch between the form they are supposed to be and the essence they are.

But isn’t this exactly how we all feel? If we take away the particular content and leave just the shell, isn’t this the very same anguish, for the very same reason, that runs through all humanity and always has?

Aren’t we all identified by our form – body, age, sex, race, culture, and even emotions – and addressed accordingly? And don’t we all know at some level that this is not who we really are at all?

Deep inside we may sense an ancient soul memory of “being-ness,” that we can almost touch but not quite. At some level we know that we have lost our connection with the only thing that matters: our source and Self. We don’t know the name of this loss, much less how to heal it. And that is the universal anguish held deep inside, almost forgotten, but not quite.

Is this universal pain coming to the surface of our collective awareness? 

The Current Solution

For the transgender community, changing the form seems often to be the chosen solution. That is our solution too. It seems like we are constantly enhancing the form to get more out of it: better faces and bodies, bigger accomplishments and titles, more money and possessions. We seek refuge in the form as if we can climb up into it and become that. But it doesn’t seem to be working – the discord and pain only seem to be getting worse.

We Always Get the Right Body

This might seem controversial, but let’s start with the idea that we always get the right body. We always get the right body, just as we always get the right family – even though it can often seem we could have done better with different circumstances or better parents.

There is perfection in showing up in the form we do. We can’t know the perfection at first, but by mastering the form we become our potential – and we never really know what that is until we become it.

For example, the terrible parents can ultimately teach us that we are love, that we can forgive and our encounter with them can lead us to a fundamental truth: we are always sustained by life, we are free, unharmed and whole. This never feels possible during the process of learning it, but that is the potential.

One thing the transgender issue can teach us is that we are the essence of life itself and not bodies at all. This might not be obvious at first either, so let’s keep looking at it.

What If It Feels Like You Got the Wrong Body?

If being in the body you have is unbearably painful, what can you do?

The best way to approach form – a body, family, circumstance – is to assume there is something in it for you. Assume the form is showing you how to find something you have always been seeking. Assume that all of life loves you in its flowing wholeness sort of way.

Start with that assumption and then look at whatever form seems to be a problem. Let’s say it is the body. What is the matter?

Maybe the body doesn’t match you, it doesn’t reflect who you are. You can’t see or recognize yourself in this body, and neither can anyone else. This cannot be my body, you might say. It is not who I am. I do not fit in here; I am not that and I have never been that.

Or maybe you don’t feel safe in the body you have and you have never felt safe, or you don’t feel included, loved or special. You don’t know who you are or what you’re doing, what is expected of you or how to provide it, and not knowing makes you feel disconnected from everything, lost in a void, hopeless and alone.

The Form is Not the Problem; the Problem is the Problem

When we feel great anguish it is natural to think if only the situation were different we could be released from the pain. But there is another way to look at it; the form is mirroring our condition back to us, it is forcing us to bring our attention to something buried deep within that needs the light of our awareness.

Therefore, if we can consider the form as part of our unfolding evolution and a gift of love from life, then we can see that the form is not causing the problem, it is just making the problem obvious.

How to Solve a Problem

When form is a problem it always requires something of us and it is intractable until we comply. So the best way to solve a problem is to first, see what it requires.

• If the form is an egg and we are a tiny almost-chick, the form requires us to develop our strength and persistence and become a chicken.
  
  

• If the form is lack, such as financial hardship, the form requires us to let go of what we think we need and face our fear about survival; it requires us to be creative, resourceful and productive and let go of limiting beliefs, of being entitled, for example. Like the egg, the form stops being an obstacle once we master it.
  
  
• If the form is a body that does not match who we are inside it, then it requires us to ask who that is. Who am I? Asking this question will challenge the ego’s assumptions and our alignment with them. It will lead us back through the path we took to forget who we were. Trapped in the body, all our choices have been cut off except the one that leads to Self. And now, if we take the only true option, we realize that coming home was all we ever longed to do.

We Are All Collective Consciousness

The transgender issue is a great gift because it brings into the open the deepest, most painful problem we face as human beings: we don’t know who we are and we have lost connection with our source.

It is true that we are not the body we came in; we are not bodies at all, not male or female, black or white, culture or caste. It is natural to think that if we are not a particular body, we must therefore, be a different body. But that is just exchanging one painful illusion for another even more painful.

So we honor those in the experience of being trapped in the wrong body, knowing it is a version of our pain too and that they represent all of us. We are respectful and call them what they wish to be called, empathize and help them if we can, love them.

But we must not align with the illusion that form is essence, not glorify it, not change the world around for it, and especially, we must not sacrifice our children to it.

Who Are You?

Who are we? And how do we even know that we are? We can ask this when we stop thinking we are bodies. The questions lead into the awareness of our own existence. And that awareness – silent, still and ever-present – is the doorway back to who we are. It is the source of everything we are seeking and the solution to all our problems.
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We are all in the process of emerging into a greater awareness. We’re already doing this, so let’s make it conscious. Let’s see each other by looking past the form to the light of life inside – and realize that we are recognized too. All of life knows us because life is awake; we are the ones sleeping. Let’s wake up! Let’s all come home.

​Saying grace is a wonderful tool for students of consciousness because it puts illusion and Reality in their proper places: illusion that the ego is the source of life, and Reality that it’s not.

​It can seem like saying grace is a religious thing, and even though it is an aspect of religious practice, saying grace is way beyond that: it is simply a conscious decision to receive what life gives.

Saying grace is a consistent reminder that all life comes from the infinite wholeness of which we are all a part, and it tells us somewhere deep inside that we are safe, there is plenty and we are okay.

Saying grace gives us permission to come out of an arbitrary and self-imposed exile from life and to accept the blessing that is always present and always given.

The Ego Doesn’t Like This Idea

The ego doesn’t like the idea of grace, naturally. It will never acknowledge that anything is greater than it. So we must do that by stepping outside its world and onto that firm ground where we have a sense of who we really are and what we want our life to be.

And fortunately, we can do that because greater truth is always beckoning, our true Selves are always calling us back home.

Graces

How do you say grace?

First, declare yourself an active participant in life, like this: 

O

The sound “O” is an opening, a doorway that announces your readiness to approach life, to be open to it and to receive its gifts.

Second, address the infinite wholeness that is life, for which no words are adequate, in whatever way best allows you to leave the ego’s aggrandizement and enter into awe – to step away from isolation and into life.

Here, you can run into some snags because some of the words we have used throughout history may carry uncomfortable connotations for you. So find something that helps you recognize the Infinite. For example:

O Life or
O Infinite Presence or
O Source of my being and All That Is or
O God

Third, receive the gift.

O God (God works for me, but you use whatever you like), I (we) give thanks
O All That Is, thank you

Fourth, acknowledge what you are receiving.

O Life, thank you for these fantastic enchiladas and for our friends and family.
O God, we give thanks for your sustenance always, for this food and ask for your Divine blessing over it.

By asking for blessing we open into accepting the blessing that is life. It is an opening into Grace that already exists but may have seemed unavailable – only because we were until now closed to it.

Finally,
Amen 
So it is 

Confirm as true. This is your confirmation that you are aligned with life in this moment, to the best of your ability.

Food is So Delicious

Say grace silently or out loud, whatever is comfortable for you and for those around you. Say grace for every food: a big dinner, a burger from the drive-through, a berry off a bush – Thank you, God!

Thank you O Divine Life for this perfect peach, and for nourishing and sustaining me always.

Each grace is an acknowledgment of What Is and by acknowledgment, we align with that truth and become it a little more – we are less aligned with the ego and more with Self.

Plus, food is delicious and accepting it fully through our appreciation only makes it more so!

​
​We are all one in the great flowing wholeness of infinite creative power that is the source of all life including our own.

But we don’t see it that way – and that is why we have Out There! Whatever we don’t accept as ourselves and hide away in the darkness of our minds, life helpfully makes visible to us as Out There.

Out There is not afraid of parading around in its worst behavior or going to the limits of excessiveness or insanity. Things we would never admit to and that we hide away deep inside ourselves are on bold display in the world of Out There.

​Out There’s Bold Display

We often do not recognize what Out There is showing us about ourselves until it gets so obvious we can’t ignore it – then it breaks into our illusions and touches something in us that we couldn’t see before.

When that happens we all, collectively, rise up into greater awareness and shake off a layer of darkness covering our sight.

It is as if we can only take illusion so far before it foams up and spills over the glass we thought was reality.

It seems like we are in one of those times now, when Out There seems so extreme and obvious, we must be getting ready to have a breakthrough.

Dangerous Topic

What I am about to address is a sensitive subject and might seem dangerous – not to you, because in your essence you know there is no danger – but to the ego. And like all of us, when the ego feels threatened it either wants to run away or attack. But I hope you will stay and read on, because it can be very illuminating to take things out of the context of feelings and thoughts, and look at them in the context of ego vs. Self.

Here is an example of Out There looking extreme and sounding loud (and so it must have a message for us): gender identity. For example, a man believes he is a woman or a woman, a man. Since life always gives us the perfect forms (even though it often doesn’t feel that way!) this creates a very painful situation, and thousands of people are in a similar circumstance.

If we are listening, if we are watching and see Out There as part of us, what do we see? What is Out There telling us?

The best way to understand Out There is to scrape away all the content – to put aside any opinions, interpretations, beliefs, emotions or perceptions and just look at the bare bones – the context. If we do that, the context says:

• A man believes he is a woman.

Or, in the context of ego vs. Self:

• The ego believes it is form (the body) – but not the form (the body) it came with.

Egos always do this, by the way – they always think they are form. The ego attaches to any idea or form and says, This is who I am.

I Need an Oil Change

For example, have you ever heard a friend say, “I need an oil change.” This is insane, but it sounds normal in our ears. The ego thinks it is a car and we think we are the ego – that is how we can say we need an oil change with a straight face. Let us hope we don’t take this too far! The pronouns would get really interesting.

We Are All Having The Same Illusion
​
The man who thinks he’s a woman is making the same mistake as our friend who thinks she’s a car, which is the same mistake as our thinking that we are our bodies, thoughts, stories and emotions. We are all having the same illusion.

This is the great illumination Out There is inviting us to get: we are not the ego (which always attaches to form) and we are not form, and all our unhappiness comes from thinking that we are.

We are not ego or form, and we have heard this countless times, in all different ways. And it’s true.

This is the breakthrough we are ready to have – we can get this. We can live it. How? Right this moment, bring awareness to what or whom you love, or touch into the inspiration you feel with music or color or nature. Got it? Have you touched into something true and good within you? (Because that is what all those examples are.)

The love or inspiration you feel right now isn’t form – it is You. You are essence, not form.

Every time you bring your attention to essence over form – the love, inspiration, gratitude, purpose or joy that is awake and alive within you, and be that – in that moment you are doing at least five very powerful life-changing things. You are:

• Letting go of attachment to form, the source of unhappiness
• Realizing, at least a little more, who you are
• Fulfilling your purpose
• Becoming happier
• Contributing to life
  
  

Cultivate your alignment with what you love. That will help you know your purpose and what you have to give – and that will put you on a path of knowing happiness. Each moment you align with your true nature over illusion changes your whole life. And each moment helps you to realize how thoughts, physical forms, emotions, stories and all the rest are just a thin crust covering the limitless awareness and essence of who you are.

Here Is a Secret to Happiness

You can never fix the form – like the body or parents – and be happy. Because when form seems to be a problem it is only showing us a problem in ourselves, and that problem is always some way that we forgot who we are.

So what can you do about the problem? Especially if the form seems really limiting and painful, like having the wrong body.

In the next post I’ll talk about how to approach form as a way of healing and a path to happiness.

Thank You

In the meantime, let us give thanks for Out There and all our brothers and sisters on the front lines who are showing us the way back to ourselves.  

​Do you know that even in horrible situations, the ego is having a great time? At our expense, I might add. And its pursuit of pleasure entices us in directions we don’t really want to go. Read on to find out how you can know what the ego’s pleasure is in any situation so you can take the power out of it and let it go.

How to Know What the Ego is Getting Out of Any Situation (Especially “Bad” Ones)

These directions are especially useful for personal relationships, but they apply to any situation, person, group or the world in general.

Take very brief notes as you follow these steps (the ego/mind is very good at covering up every step we take on the way to getting its number):

1. Choose a specific experience of a dynamic between you and another, that on the face of it, you don’t want to persist.
   
   
2. When you think of it, what does it feel like? Feel it. This doesn’t mean express it (although you can), but just be aware of the feeling. (It can be useful to use the emotional common denominators: mad, sad, glad, scared.)
   
   
3. Notice the sensation in the body that comes with the emotion. Feel it too.
   
   
4. Notice the thoughts, images and memories that may be present.
   
   
5. Let all of it intensify. For example, if the chest is tight and full of fear, let it be tighter and more fearful. If there is a particular thought or memory, dwell on that thought.
   
   
6. Now as you feel all this, ask yourself: What am I doing here? What about this feels good in some way? What do I like about this? Be willing to find out. 

These can seem like crazy ideas, but the ego/mind thrives on negativity so its pleasure in something painful won’t necessary make sense at first.

Very important: Let whatever answers you get be okay! Remember you are not the ego, you are the light of life itself and knowing what the ego is up to will help you remember that.

Common Pleasures for the Ego/Mind in So-Called Bad Situations

• The situation feels somehow familiar or comfortable.
• The boundaries are certain and therefore, safe.
• It is a good way to avoid something worse happening.
• The game is won because the other person is out of control.
• This position is a good excuse to avoid responsibility or failure.
• Being “wronged” can feel very righteous and superior.
• It can be vengeance, control or getting even which are all delicious to the ego/mind.

There are myriad possibilities but they all have a common denominator: the ego is gaining power and control. That is just what egos try to do. And it is good to know what the ego is up to because when we don’t, we are aligning with it and letting it use our life energy to grow stronger. Which is easy to do! The ego’s story is always very compelling and emotionally satisfying and it can be easy to get drawn into it.

Remember to write down the ego’s pleasure once you’ve got a sense of it.  

How to Let Go

Now that you have an idea of the ego’s pleasure – even a little, you know its position – and knowing its position gives you a choice. The door of the cage is open – freedom is yours if you choose.

It takes great humility to let go of a position, but there is nothing better for clearing up your problems and remembering who you really are. A position is a stance the ego is taking to get the most out of a situation – like being right or a martyr. Remember, you are not the ego – egos love things like vengeance and being right, and they love to be victims and poor things. They love all their games. But we are not the ego and we can always choose to not play.

Here’s How

1. Now that you have identified the ego’s pleasure, feel into it. Feel how good it feels.
   
   
2. Say to yourself, This (name the pleasure) feels great (and let it be okay with you that it feels great). Then say, And I really like it.
   
   
3. Now remember your highest dedication in your life. What is your goal? At the end of your life, who do you want to see that you were? Write it down.
   
   
4. Now, ask yourself, Does this position (state the ego’s pleasure again) serve my goal to (state your dedication in life)?
   
   
5. See what you get (yes or no).
   
   
6. If, No, for example, being snarky and right does not serve my dedication to being loving and kind, now ask, Am I willing to let the pleasure go? (Yes or no.)
   
   
7. If the answer is yes and you are willing, say, Even though I really like (name the pleasure) and it really feels good, it is in the way of love, it is not the person I want to be. It makes me forget who I am and forget my friend (or the beloved or whomever is with you in this situation).
   
   
8. The last step is to say, Since this pleasure – even though I really like it – does not serve my highest goal, I will therefore let it go. Now imagine it rising up the spinal channel and imagine that you release it out of the top of the head.

The Key to Letting Go

The key to letting go is to be totally fine with the ego being mad, a victim, envious, hating everyone, being wounded and all the rest. Of course it loves all that yummy stuff! Does a dog love a bone? All ego positions are really fun and satisfying for the ego, and we feel that way too as long as we’re aligned with it. That is only natural. So the key is to be okay with the ego/mind feeling however it does, but at the same time, to remember we are not the ego and not go along with its games. We’re the ones ultimately in charge of the actual behavior, right?

Walk Away

This is a lot like walking away from a video game, chocolate cake or any pleasure when you feel really hooked on it. Walk away. Consciously choose love over the ego’s pleasure. It can feel hard at first, yet remembering your true dedication in life will give you the power you need. It will also help you realize that the ego’s position is what is in the way of love, not whatever another (or the world) has done to you.

Realize You Have Changed

The original situation has changed now because you have changed; you are not participating with the ego in the same way and you can see things in a new light.

You chose to stand in the light of your being over aligning with the ego/mind – even if just for a moment, or even if it seemed you were just saying the words but not feeling it. This is the most powerful choice you can make in your life; and every time you do it strengthens your ability to so so again. The more you remember your true dedication and turn away from the ego/mind, the more you remember who you are and the way of purpose, peace and happiness.

​There is nothing better than marriage when it is going well, but almost nothing worse when it’s not.

In this next post in the marriage series, let’s look at a few of the really awful faces marriage can wear and some possibilities for movement beyond them.

One way to create movement is to see how a difficult situation is constructed and then pull out one or more of the supports that make it work. How do you do that? I’ll show you. In the following examples of awfulness I will suggest a question and an action to help you get started.  

Examples of Awful

ALWAYS WRONG

Do you find that no matter what happens it somehow always turns out to be your fault? Do you and the beloved both agree that you are the problem?

We attract to us whatever we believe we are – life is very accommodating! So if we believe we are wrong, we will find someone who tells us what we have done wrong every day of the week. But maybe you would like to change that. The following can help you start to make a shift.

Question: For what deed, action, thought, stance or way of being are you accepting blame in this moment? Or, what was the last thing for which you blamed yourself or accepted blame? Choose something large or small.

Once you have identified the item, really look: Is it actually wrong? You might not know.

Sometimes it will be obvious – but maybe you always feel wrong; maybe you are always ready to accept blame no matter what. This makes it hard to know if you have really made a mistake, because the deeper error is believing that you are fundamentally wrong.

Here is an exercise that can help unwind the “I’m wrong” dynamic:

Do this exercise as if you are trying on a piece of clothing. Walk around in it. Notice how it feels and what emotions, thoughts and beliefs come to you as you practice. Write them down.

The exercise is less about the content – each item or mistake – as discovering the underlying agreements you have made with yourself and the world. That is where the change occurs.

Here is how it works:

Action: Instead of being wrong every day, be wrong every other day, which leaves every other day for being not-wrong.

On wrong days:

Proceed as you normally do.

On not-wrong days:

Say (to yourself or to the beloved), No, I am not wrong, it is okay that I do this, think this, say this. Consider that it really is okay (except when it is obviously not, like running over someone’s groceries). The energy range is between neutral and love – so there is no anger or fear in the communication. Try this on and notice what happens.

You probably won’t believe it, but just see what happens when you step out of the “I’m wrong” paradigm – even for a moment.

Sometimes being wrong all the time is a way the ego tries to control the environment, for example, by preventing something worse from happening or facing something that requires a higher level of integrity than you want to be. All this, just like everything coming from the ego, is all in its mind.

Be open to clearing up the idea of being fundamentally wrong. See what happens.

Caveat: Use this exercise only if you are afflicted with “I’m wrong.” This won’t be useful for any other dynamic, “I’m right,” for example.

ILL-USED

Does the beloved periodically “go ballistic,” hurling accusations, demands, insults or even physical blows?

Abuse can sometimes build slowly, as slowly as the walls you make around yourself to pretend it’s not there. Yet, to allow yourself to be abused is to not only compromise your integrity, but affirm the false beliefs you have about yourself.

Action: Walk away; start with the moment. End your participation in playing “Ill-used” even if you will lose the so-called peace or neutrality, or the vacation will end or the event not turn out as planned.

Question: For what are you compromising your integrity? For what have you been pretending to be a doormat? Notice what is underneath the first three or four reasons – you will find something comforting or that feels good in some way (try it – you’ll see!). This is what the ego is getting out of the situation. Write down the very first thought, memory, image and/or feeling. It might not seem like the right answer, but you will be onto something.

From the ego’s standpoint, there is some good reason for playing “Ill-used.” Whatever its reason, that is fine with us because it is an ego and that is what egos do. But, the ego’s reasons don’t usually serve us in being the man or woman we want to be. So once we see what the ego is doing, we also know our choice in the matter.
 
What could possibly be a benefit in being abused? It could be a way to avoid responsibility, be a victim, right or in control. But remember, you are not that. You are the light of life itself.

Every time you walk away from this game you return to yourself and a self-respect that will deepen with every step. See if you are willing to give up the ego’s pleasure. Cultivate self-respect so that it extends beyond you to blanket everyone you encounter and every aspect of your life.

MEAN  

Are you the mean one? Always staking out your territory? Having a zillion rules? Always getting your way, all puffed up, the beloved and everyone else always watching their step, toeing the line?

Question: What is the danger of coming down off that hard rock? What are you fighting for? Ask yourself these two questions and just notice what happens. Notice the first thing the mind does – the feeling, image, memory or thought. It might not seem like the answer or even relevant. Write it down anyway.

Action: Make a list of all the rules you set for the beloved. This might take a few days or weeks. Include everything, even supposedly small things. Add to the list as new rules occur to you. You will discover that most of the rules are unspoken – especially put the unspoken rules on the list.

Keep the list somewhere that you will see it often. Observe the items on the list, consider them, let the light of your consciousness shine on them. Notice what happens.

That’s all. Keep the list in front of you. Observe it regularly. See what happens.

Ego-Stuff

As long as we have an ego it will do its ego things. So our opportunity, when we encounter a negative situation in our lives is to find the ego’s pleasure. The pleasure is always there, even in horrible situations. Then, once we can feel the ego’s pleasure, we see if we are willing to give it up – even when we have the upper hand, even when we’re right (that is the pleasure, by the way).

The thing about any negative situation any of us encounters is that it is in our life – and therefore it is our problem; its source can be found within us. And that is a key to peace. We can use problems to show us our next step into integrity – and if we take it, our experience of the problem changes and the outward expression starts to clear up.

What is Life About Anyway?

When you are ready to die, and you look back over your life, who do you want to see that you were? This can be a very good question for putting things in perspective. The seemingly small choices we make – for example, between being in a huff or opening into love – are the ones that change our lives forever; they determine what we see at the end when we look back.

Here’s looking at you!

Well, the last post, Marriage Tips, seemed to bring up a lot of angst, questions and ideas: What if I can’t act perfectly? What if my husband/wife has turned into a screaming Mimi? What if I did it all wrong and now it’s too late?

The Alchemy of Marriage

Remember the alchemy of marriage and the process of turning lead to gold? It may be that the whole point of marriage and life is to find the gold we are, and everyone is. But sometimes things get intense and seem hard or even impossible to get beyond.

So in this and the next few posts let’s look at some of those hard times and what you can do when you’re in one. For each example I will suggest a question you can ask yourself and an action you can take to create movement in your life and relationship. Let’s start with Fire and Ice….

First, Create the Conditions

Our success in solving any problem depends on how we approach it. It is useful to consider that whatever problems we have in our marriage are by our complete agreement and participation – even if we are not conscious of it. That is when our participation is called “projection.”

And nowhere do our projections show up more clearly than in marriage. It is easy to get stuck in them too, because by definition, projections always look like the other guy! So to solve the puzzle they represent, we need to make three assumptions:

• The ego is getting something out of whatever is going on. The ego likes to have things going on – even bad things. What is it getting right now (we ask ourselves)? It might be getting to be aggrieved, angry, special, a victim or martyr. It might be winning or controlling the environment – and no matter what else is going on, the ego at least knows it’s right. All of this, for the ego, is to continually affirm its existence and dominance.

 

• You are not the ego. You are the truth, beauty and essence of life itself but have only forgotten this for a moment. The benefit of realizing – or at least telling ourselves – that we are not the ego allows us to better see what it is doing and choose not to do it.

 

• The situation is showing you something of yourself you cannot see. Life shows us what we cannot see in ourselves – and this is always a benefit. Accept the clues! They lead to finding the gold you are.

If you assume these three things you will create the conditions to get through anything.

Hard Times and What to Do When You’re in One

ICE

Are things bleak and cold at your house? Do you and the beloved live separate lives, barely speaking? Are you equally opposing forces finally hardened into stasis?

Question: What are you afraid of? You might not feel afraid – you might feel angry or nothing at all. But look deeper, ask anyway and see what you get. Notice the very first thing the mind says or does. Write it down.

Action: Imagine this is the last hour of your last day on earth. You realize you have been holding yourself away from life, and decide, in this last hour to return.

Returning looks like this: do one thing that is love. For example, clear a communal space that is normally cluttered, reset the stones at the entrance of the house, sweep the porch. Infuse the action with love.

The action itself is only a vehicle – on its own it is empty. Use the action to cultivate the experience of love within you. Cultivate kind thoughts of your husband or wife. Remember the one you married.

The beloved will not notice (most likely); he or she will go on being silent and distant and the obstacles will still stand frozen, filling up the space between you.

The Love is for You

The love you are seeking is right here under the ice. How dry and cold you have felt without it! For what have you been holding yourself away from love? Let yourself be warmed by surrendering into love. One of you needs to let the love in, it might as well be you.

Surrender just a little and keep it private. This will start a thaw. The thaw might bring up what you are really afraid of; the hurt and anger might float to the surface. What is undone about it? Why is it still here? Ask yourself these questions.

Keep following the thaw and let it show you something you have forgotten. You have forgotten the exact same thing in your beloved.

FIRE

Is the house ready to burst into flames at any moment? Is there a lot of shouting and banging going on?

Action: Stop shouting for a moment, stop slamming and throwing things. Listen. What is the beloved saying? The beloved is still shouting. Listen closely – what is the key message? When you get the message, write it down and take some time to be with it.

Question: What is true here? Woven into all the bad behavior, the hurts, wrongs and general horribleness, find the strand that is true in what the beloved is saying.

Action: Accept responsibility and say so. Say, I’m sorry. The beloved might use this against you; he or she might get even or try to hurt you. But see what happens if you don’t even the score. Is anything true and essential within you actually harmed? Be in the imbalance and see what happens.

Practice not feeding the fire. Listen more and more deeply. You will discover something you have been afraid to know; by listening you can stand on the ground of your own being and this will help you to face it. It is just something – some ego thing – that seems scary and dangerous until you really look at it. You have been using the fire as a distraction. It is okay to go look; remember, whatever it is, the gold you are is under there too.

Changing the Dynamic

Don’t worry if you don’t see immediate results. By taking our contribution out of a difficult situation, the dynamic cannot continue in the same way. This creates shifts in which something else can happen. Something opens and we get a glimpse of the beloved, for example. This is what we’re looking for – this shows us the next step. Often the opening is in our own heart and this changes everything.