Kundalini Surge

8 of Cups. Card of leave taking

2012-03-07T18:26:00.002-07:00

The 8 of Cups is a gloomy looking card, it has a dark background and a sad faced moon overseeing the figure as he departs leaving his cups behind.
I have found as I pursue this blog that the energy of the cards has began to seep into my life and so drawing a gloomy looking card is not always my favourite thing as I wonder what it is that I am going to leave behind.
Whatever is in the cups, it is enough for the figure to have grabbed his walking cane, his cloak and leave without even a glance over his shoulder. The somber blue of the sky and the strange moon face give an aura of sadness that hang over the card. The face of the moon itself seems to be confined within a circle of its own and I can only imagine that it is representing the dark side of the moon, even if it remains bright. This unusual symbolism suggests what would seem to be dark and sad, might actually not be all that bad.
The last few mornings I have woken with a kind of sadness over me, a resignation. My business has taken off a little more, but for some reason the lull I am experiencing at the beginning of this new month in my work has affected me. Saying I was mooning over this slackening in business would not be far wrong. By drawing this card it forced me to consider my line of work and what it means for me. The creeping sense of dissatisfaction and boredom is at the fringes of my awareness and coming close on the heels of the last card (ironically, the 7 of Cups) it has allowed me to sink into the boggy ground of a certain ennui. The obvious thought is that I am dis-satisfied with my level of income and how it has restricted me and Zoe in our life and that of course that is what I wish to leave behind. On a certain level that is true, I would like nothing more than to be able to leave that chapter behind.
In the card the traveller, for that is what he is regardless of what he may have been before he left, is prepared to leave it all behind. The eight cups, precariously balanced upon one another give no indication of what they carry. The upper layer of cups has an unusual gap, in which the traveller stands. It is if a small break in the situation has given him the impetus to step away from it all and set out on a journey. The destination of the journey is not as important as what he has been left behind.
When I first left the UK and my call centre job for a bank I had the opportunity to work with a rocket scientist. What he was doing at the bank in a call centre I do not know, other than maybe to keep himself occupied after the military. I had told him of my plan to leave the bank and to go travelling on a journey, but I was unsure where to go. He told me that with getting a rocket to leave the atmosphere of the earth, it was not so important as to where it was going, but in generating enough force for it to push away from the ground so it could break free.
The mountains that make up the background of the card are jagged and large and although the traveller appears to have a paved road ahead, his journey is not likely to be an easy one. It is the leave taking that is going to be difficult. The moon and the tides of the waters are holding him back. Gravity and inertia are his enemies and the small break is enough for him to set his intention and to push away. The red of his cloak shows his vigour and passion to make a break for good and his green trousers show that his heart is also in this endeavor.
As I considered my feelings this morning in bed, one thing occurred to me. It is not the situation that is frustrating me and bringing me down, although that doesn't help. It is the feelings themselves that I wish to leave behind. I will doubtless encounter further lulls in my business and even in my life. I cannot seriously expect that everyday will greet me with the promise of exciting work or wonderful opportunities. If everytime I find a lapse or a lull in the flow of things I engage with these feelings, then I will find they play a larger role in my life than I would like. The feelings of disappointment, of boredom or inertia are the feelings I really wish to leave behind. Outside of those worries it is a beautiful day and there are plenty of opportunities to enjoy my life or to choose to engage in positive activities.
This card challenges us to face upto those parts of our lives that have dragged us down, those emotions that we would rather project onto external situations and to leave them behind. It is about leaving negative behaviours, patterns, emotions or even relationships behind us and to push onto greener pastures, regardless of how hard it is to break out of their gravitational pull.

7 of Cups. Day dreaming and indulgence

2012-03-06T15:46:00.002-07:00

The 7 of Cups is an unusual looking card, it has plenty of bright and attractive looking objects placed in the cups. The figure however, the one we are meant to presume represents us is darkened by shadow and is in sharp contrast to the luminescence of the rest of the card.
This card, for all it's attractiveness is one of the more difficult cards to work through (at least for me). It represents various desires that are ungrounded and fantastical. Castles in the sky.
Today is the release date for a new video game (Mass Effect 3) and it is the finale in a series that has been running for a number of years. The desire to play this and to sink into the unconsciousness it promises is strong for me. I would imagine the main storyline of the game would taken no less than 60 hours to complete. That is equivalent to a full work week or more and given that this is an estimate for a quick playthough, it would likely span much more than that.
There is nothing inherently wrong with playing the game, nor the idea of spending my time in a leisure activity. But, at the beginning of the year I promised myself that I would set aside my controller to focus more heavily on my work and business and other aspects of my life. At this point a 60+ hour investment in a solely imaginary realm is more than I wish to invest. Also a few of my friends wish to have a weekend long gaming marathon this coming weekend which I would love to partake in and another distraction would be ruinous.
The figure on the card has lots of options and they all look enticing. There is a floating female head, one presumes representing a desirable dream partner. A ghostly figure represents a mysterious glowing figure cloaked in cloth, which may represent a chance for spiritual illumination. A snake crawls from the third cup, promising either earthly desires or wisdom depending on one's associations. The fourth cup shows a castle, maybe a house or land (or even a tower eerily similar to the one in The Tower card). The fifth spills forth jewels and gems, tempting one with abundance and wealth. The sixth card has a laurel wreath, promising glory, honour and victory (but the skull on the cup shows this may come with a price). The seventh cup holds a blue dragon, the temptations of the lower realms and sloth. The cups represents the myriad of forms that our temptations can take, some more attractive than others.
If the games were the only desirable temptations, then things would be easy and I could stick to my convictions. As the card suggests, there are a plethora of choices and I find myself trying to choose how to prioritize my time and finances to make the best of the options. Do I save it for food or spend it on the new shoes I could use in my martial arts? Do I go to class tonight and possibly leave myself short for other options? In the end one could choose none, but still achieves nothing.
This card is known as the card of illusory success and it is easy to see why. With so many choices open, it looks like success is within easy grasp, but every choice is a choice not to select the other options and the fear that they may all disappear like a mirage even if one does reach for them.
The figure is faced with an illusion, none of the cups are real and all the choices float on a cloud. All they serve to do is to delay, confuse and exhaust the querent as they are forced to evaluate and re-evaluate their options. The fear present is that one may choose the wrong cup and find it is not what they want at all, or that they must forsake all options but one. Even abstaining from choice is an interaction with the energy present in the card.
Like all mirages and illusions, one must see through them and not allow them to lead you astray from the path. There are plenty of mythological analogies of beings who are there to tempt one from the real road with offers of riches or fame, or of that we really want. We read of it happening in our favourite books or films and scream at the protagonists that the mirage is not really there, that it is leading them astray, yet when faced in life with the very same situations how easy it is to justify our desires. It might not be a proverbial castle or image of your mother calling your name, it may simply be security, enjoyment or a cessation of our worries and fears. When the sirens of our own desires call, can we hold fast to our true course...or do we dive from our ships only to find it was all an illusion and we have left the path behind?

II - The High Priestess.

2012-03-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

The High Priestess is a powerful feminine force, she stands at the forefront of the Major Arcana and also as a high point on the Tree of Life within the Kabbalah esoteric school of thought.
I feel she is the mystical consort of the Magician, although her aspect can be reflected in the Hierophant (Exoteric rather than esoteric knowledge) and the Hermit (a male correspondence to inner knowledge).
Like all the Major Arcana it is rich in symbolism and allegory. She sits between the twin pillars of Boaz and Joachim, which where foundational supports for the temple of Solomon. Which can also be understood to represent the twin paths of mercy and severity, again upon the tree of life.
She sits dressed in pale blue, the colour of communication, representing a connection to the throat chakra and the ability to hear the inner voice and its wisdom. Upon her head she wears a triple moon headdress, symbolising the three moon phases and linking her to many triple form goddess deities (Hathor and The Morrigan being prime examples). At her feet lies a crescent moon, similar to the depictions of Mary, but in reality speaking of more ancient traditions.
In her hands can be seen a scroll with the inscription "Tora" upon it. This is somewhat similar to the letters on the Wheel of Fortune card and links us to the Tarot, Rota and Torah. The scroll represents the knowledge that lies in her hands and is partial concealed from casual observance.
Even more striking and not readily apparent from a cursory examination is the that veil behind her actually hides an entire landscape complete with a sea and landmass. This veil is decorated with pomegranates an ancient and multifaceted symbol which relates to the underworld, or land of the dead. Therefore one would not go far wrong to assume that this veil hides the great undiscovered country that lies behind the veil of death, of which she is a guardian. The story of Persephone and her journey into the underworld, only to become trapped there by Hades for consuming a few pomegranate seeds is the connection we can see here.
The High Priestess is the Guardian at the Gate for esoteric inner knowledge, for passage to the land of the dead and to the energies of the feminine, yin energies of Water and Earth.
On a more superficial level she represents the stillness before action to contemplate and get in touch with your inner feminine knowing (whether you are woman or man). She is the oracle, the priestess and the seer. The wise woman and gentle feminine knowing. Her power is not as overt as the Magician, yet you ignore her advice at your own peril.
I drew this card in the midst of my own individual process. In the last weekend I attended a Shamanic Workshop for advanced healing practices and during the many journeys I embarked upon a common theme emerged. It was of facing my own death through being devoured by an aquatic creature (a shark to be specific). Journey after journey took me to face this, even when we took a break for the night I had a dream of being on a sinking truck under which a shark swam waiting for me to be unable to escape. Finally on the last day I let myself be eaten. This didn't bring any immediate epiphany, it seldom works that quickly. But, I did feel as though a new boundary had been crossed.
Later in the week it came home to me. I have only included a few of the many symbols and synchronicities that occurred through the workshop and the time preceding and following the journeys. There have been several themes involved, the main ones being death and female energy. In a book I have been reading called the Magus of Java the author discusses the energies of yin and yang as being oppositional forces that truly tangibly exist, rather than only being the philosophical mental constructs that people consider them to be. He posits that yin energy is the energy of the Earth and of Spirits and that Yang energy is solar energy that exists in all living beings. Yang is hot and is the energy I feel I primarily work with in healing sessions, the masculine energy of life and light. The energies are not complementary as many would believe and they have an antagonistic relationship to each other. Yin energy is cold and is what one sense when spirits are present. The greater the quantity of yin present (either in the individual or in the being), the greater the ability to perceive these beings.
My journeys and dreams spoke of the fear of yin energy, of the male Yang energy being consumed by opposing energy. It is the Jungian archetypal fear of the all consuming terrible mother, the castration fear in its purest form. Most men on the road to self awareness are willing and able to be in touch with their female energies, but how many are unafraid of being completely overcome with this energy? I don't doubt that it exists in women too to an equal degree for its masculine counterpart. The fear of death, of annihilation in the void of the female is a primal fear (at least for men).
I had gone into the store where I work and sat talking with the ladies that run the store and told them of what I was going through and discussed the nature of being absorbed into the pure consciousness of the opposite energy (yin in my case). As we spoke I could feel the fear rise, the fear of losing my masculinity by getting too close to the female energy. Betty suggested a visualisation in which I imagined my body being transformed to that of the female form as a grid moved from my feet up to my head. After it was complete I could feel cold energy running up my spine and my hands begun to shake. The process lasted a good few hours and at one point my teeth were even chattering. A few days later there is still movements of the energy and I do not yet feel it is entirely complete, but I understand that the yin energy is necessary for completeness.
The Yin or female energy is what allows us to part the curtain to the land of the dead and of spirits, it is the energy of the High Priestess, she is the psychopomp who takes us into that undiscovered country.

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7 of Wands. Standing your ground.

2012-02-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

The 7 of Wands is all about standing your ground and fighting on against the odds. This card has been very relevant for me and it's timing is perfect in arriving as I have been dealing with this very issue.
The figure in the card holds staff across his body, ready to defend both himself and the piece of ground he is fighting to maintain. Below him are six staves, which appear to be threatening or menacing him. The landscape beneath him also looks like a miniature landscape, as though the figure himself is a giant.
Standing my ground is something I have preferred to avoid, certainly when it has been against overwhelming odds or the threat of violence and harm is present. I have preferred to surrender the ground and move to a better vantage point, rather than hold one particular spot. While mobility is a great thing as many times dropping back will allow you to re-assess and find a better avenue, there are times when you must hold your ground.
This concept emerged strongly during the Shamanic workshop I undertook this past weekend. My first journey into the state of altered awareness revolved around the concept of standing my ground. I found myself reliving several memories in which I had surrendered my position in order to keep the peace, even though I knew I was in the right. As a result I lost a piece of myself in these situations and made it easier to give it away in the future.
In the journey I was taken back to an event in my teenage years in which a friend overstepped his bounds and I ended up having to forcefully eject him from my parent's house. His social position in my group of friends however meant that unless a compromise was reached I would remain on the fringes of my own social group. They had remained stoic and unwilling to step down on either side of the disagreement (for fear of taking sides), even though I was clearly in the right. It became a situation in which I felt I had to surrender my higher ground in order to reach a compromise and remain in good graces with my social group. This laid the road for further situations in which surrendering my moral high ground became the norm, especially if I was in the minority. In the journey I was able to find all the pieces that I had surrendered and re-attach them. In doing so it laid the groundwork for me realising something about the whole process. In the journey a guide appeared to me and informed me that "ground is never lost, it is only given".
With this profound piece of information I was able to look upon the situation under an entirely different light. In all the situations that arose during my journey, it was I who chose to let go of my ground. I was not defeated, I simply surrendered that ground when I felt the stakes had become too high. The bar of which I measured the stakes progressively became lower and lower as the instances occurred, so as to the point in which surrendering my ground under the most trivial of difficulties became the typical response.
In the card, the figure maintains a higher ground. He defends against threats from below himself and to compromise his position would lead to defeat and a loss of power and self. He fights not from a position of ego (as in the 5 of Swords) but from a spiritual understanding of right and wrong. He may be outnumbered and beleaguered, but his position is in alignment and he can and will triumph. He would not only be surrendering ground, but he would also be surrendering right.
The idea of right and wrong can be a thorny one and many people will argue that there is no "right " or "wrong". This ideology can leave you in a very dangerous position, unable to defend or fight for what is right or to recognise when one is wrong. It is true that life is more than a simple black and white, that there are many different hues and tones. But we live in a relativistic world and so both extremes must necessarily exist in order to create a spectrum, otherwise it results in a simplistic world of grays. There are times when people will commit actions that are "wrong" and this can clearly be felt on an internal level. Mental justification for these wrongs in order to maintain a simplistic world view or to preserve one's own ego is wrong and must be avoided at all costs. It whittles away one's integrity and ability to stand against injustice and evil.
A minor detail on this card is that he wears differing footwear. On one foot, he wears a boot, on the other a shoe. This is representative of his unusual standpoint, of his unorthodox methods or ideologies. Often times this is what can spur these types of situation, defending an unorthodox perspective from the lesser ideologies that threaten it.
The figure will vanquish his detractors, he holds the high ground and therefore the universe stands behind him regardless of the odds he faces.

5 of Wands. Battle and conflict

2012-02-21T18:56:00.001-07:00

When this card appeared as the next card for me to review I understood immediately what it was telling me about my personal life. The five figures in the card are in battle against one another, using their staves as weapons. Just the day before I had taken my old wooden practice sword out of my cupboard and was going through some practice moves. It has been many years since I used it and the idea to take up martial arts once more had been surfacing in my thoughts. So when this card appeared from my shuffling the deck, it made sense.
The five figures on the card are all clad in differing tunics and so the idea arises of a clashing of ideas, of individual attitudes and opinions. The staves are a fiery suit, so the battle is impassioned, even if there is no malice intended. The five precedes the six (The card of victory), so one comes to the conclusion that victory is the intended outcome of the battle. Whether or not one arrives there is another matter.
Getting to the martial arts class was a battle for me. Things have been going much better for us recently and the money has begun to flow in as a regular stream of clients has begun to arrive at my door, I presume attracted by positive reviews of my work. Of course, paying for classes, uniforms and taking the time from my newly busy schedule is a consideration that was weighing upon me. The typical fear arose that I would not have enough and it was a battle to not want to retreat and bury my head in the sand, to engage in some less "costly" endeavor. The fact that I had drawn this particular card, showed me that there may be something deeper going on, so I pushed through my fears and went.
The class, did in fact bring up something deeper. Something I fear I have been avoiding. Something that does require my attention. Over the last few days, I have have several dreams and an encounter or two that has pushed on my boundaries, in fact pushed them down and camped directly in my living room. I don't shy particularly from conflict, or at least that is what I have believed of myself. But I have seen of late my own tactics of giving ground. It was particularly apparent in sparring with the other martial artists. Being somewhat out of shape, I am not as fast on my feet as I once was and I found myself back-peddling, giving ground and retreating. It also happened several times with people who invaded my personal space and rather than pushing back, I gave ground. It seems I am okay when I can keep things where I want them, but if they get up close I find myself instinctively panicking. My lack of fitness and agility meant that this retreating element was brought to the fore. Previously I would have responded with equal speed and swift ripostes, but now without that speed it outlined the instinctual fear of letting someone in close for fear of being hurt. A big part of me wants to shrug this off, but it was there staring me in the face and I cannot say it was not so. Whether it goes deeper than mere intimidation and confrontation I cannot say yet.
The card tells us that a battle is inevitable, how we deal with that fact is up to us. I have found that while I do not give up, I certainly give ground. While before I would have rather have given ground rather than hurt another, I am wondering if that is truly always the best course of action. Surely there are times when one must stand their ground, both literally and figuratively, even if it means possibly harming another. By robbing another of the consequences of their actions we harm ourselves in their place. By building the courage to stand my ground I develop the ability to help others learn from their actions and to not give up a part of myself by the giving of ground. How this will translate into my martial arts practice and daily life is yet to be seen!

10 of Swords. Defeat and failure.

2012-02-18T13:28:00.000-07:00

The 10 of Swords is one of those cards that people dread to draw, the imagery alone is enough to frighten people away from understanding the meaning behind this card. I had been a little nervous of drawing this card, as my life usually reflects the energy of the card that is currently in play, when it arrived yesterday I immediately knew what it pertained to.
The figure in the card has been pinned to the earth by the ten swords and his life blood pools below him. Above him dark clouds gather as he gazes sightlessly out towards the ocean before him.
Failure, defeat and humiliation are the bywords of this card and its energy. Of course, they are not pleasant and pain is doubtless going to ensue. It the the fulfillment of a road not followed, a path ignored. This can only lead to pain, humiliation and outright failure. Each one of his thoughts has come back to destroy him and immoblise him with their weight and deadly force.
This card can be the culmination of a series of bad or uninformed choices that eventually leads us to this point. The weight of all these choices finally brings us down and gives us no choice but to buckle under their weight. It is the end of a phase, it is a stage of completion and from it something new will emerge. The tens are always completion and as such, even though it is difficult to see in this card, presage a new beginning.
Each of the swords is driven into the spinal column, creating a line down his back. The spine is the vessel for the energy of awakening and it shows that in order to awaken one must go through a painful initiation, on all levels.
In my own life the symbolism of the card speaks directly to me. During the last stretch of my life I have ignored my own health and fitness, choosing to focus on other areas of my life. As a result there are deep tensions in my body that need to be worked out. In order to do this I have found a friend who is willing to work on these deep tensions in exchange for energy work of my own. He uses a technique known as the Spiral technique, which involves massaging out the stuck and calcified spots in my musculature and tendons. Regardless, there is pain involved as these spots are pressed on and straightened out. At some points the pain is very intense as I can literally feel the tense muscles coming apart and releasing their toxins. The massage actually involves me laying face down and having a blanket lain over my body similar to the pose adopted in the card. It does indeed feel as though swords are being pushed into the super tense areas.
I understand now that in order to release this mindset I must fully release all these blockages, even though it is a very painful process. I must take greater account of my health and fitness if I am to continue in the field of health and well-being. Don't get me wrong, I am hardly unhealthy or weak, but I am certainly far from my ideal and as a result there is no way that I can advocate being physically healthy and at the peak of fitness without sounding hypocritical.
I only arrived at this juncture by not listening to my physical needs and not keeping on top of things. There have been mitigating circumstances that have not made it easy up until this point, but I also have to accept that I did not do all that was possible. The road to recovery will be hard, painful and most likely humiliating. But if I accept this as my journey, then I can rise above it, even as I push through it.
In the card you can see in the distance on the horizon, that there is a light creeping in, even if the current prognosis is grim. This card is a what happens when you ignore the wake-up call in an area of your life and must eventually face your own failure. Drawing this card alerts us to areas we may have ignored or given up on. It shows us that from this point progress is possible, but to do so we must go through the difficult and painful process or removing the fruits of our ignorance. These toxins have to be removed and doing so is painful as we have to see exactly where we have failed. It can serve to grant us a new level of humility, which is borne from suffering humiliation and raising ourselves above it.

XVII - The Star

2012-02-17T14:01:00.001-07:00

It has been a little bit of time since I last updated the blog and several weeks has passed while the Star card sits upon my desk waiting for me to write on it.
The Star is a positive card, one bearing a message of hope and fulfillment. It has certainly brought those elements forward in my life. In the last few weeks my healing business has taken off to a degree I would not normally imagine possible in a winter month. I have had a regular stream of customers coming for energy work and for the workshops I have run. Outside of that I have found myself busy everyday with one task or another and my schedule remains full with interesting prospects. There are also several side projects that are beginning to bear fruit after a long period of waiting.
The card itself has a magical quality, a skyclad woman pours never-ending streams of water from the two vessels she holds. One pours onto the land, the other back into the water. The woman is poised with one leg on the land and the other foot on the surface of the water. She is a picture of self assurance in her body and in her balance. Behind her are the seven stars of the Pleiades and one gigantic star above her. You can also catch a glimpse of a bird resting on a tree in the background. While it is difficult to make out what type of bird it actually depicts, various sources describe it as an Ibis the Egyptian bird of wisdom associated with Thoth.
This is above all a card of hope, inspiration and illumination. The woman in the card is representative of the divine female in all her glory. She does not hide her form, nor is she self conscious. The Star has always been a guiding symbol of hope for the future, often associated with prophecy and the dawning of a new hopeful era. The Pleiades, or the seven sisters are a cluster of stars that can be seen cresting the horizon when spring arrives. They are also associated in New Age thought with the star beings who watch over and guide us towards our soul's destination.
This cluster of stars has, for me found profound meaning as the Spring has often been a time when hope is renewed and I set forth with renewed vigour towards my spiritual goals. Several times when my hope has been at it's lowest points I have had profound dreams in which this cluster of stars had played a prominent role, encouraging me take heart and continue on. These dreams appeared with unnaturally vivid clarity and colour and stood apart from the usual cobwebbed dreamscapes.
The idea of following one's star, or reaching for the stars finds its place here in the realm of hope and inspiration. The story of the Three Kings following a star to find the birthplace of Jesus resonates strongly here and has astrological significance, as the eight stars depicted here can relate to the eight known astrological planets of the old world.
The vessels she pours onto the earth and water represent abundance of feeling and the renewal of the body and spirit that occurs with an influx of new hope. After the trials of the Devil card it is a breath of fresh air, a time of liberation, new growth and freedom. It represents the arrival in the blessed garden after the dangerous passage of the underworld. You can see the springing up of new shoots around where she pours the vessels onto the ground, these symbolise new life and hope.
The Ibis on the tree behind her is a symbol of wisdom, a bird that could wade through the shallow waters of the Nile and pluck fish from the water with it's long thin bill. It finds association with Thoth the Egyptian God of hermetic wisdom, who was depicted as an Ibis headed being. Hermetic wisdom is wisdom gained through deep introspection and through no worldly source. This fits nicely with the idea of inspiration coming from divine or otherworldly sources.
In the my life this card also has further meaning, which relates to recent events. Apart from a feeling of renewed hope and feeling returning to me. Which of course I welcome with great gratitude. These is another aspect. Many years ago I had the pleasure of meeting a lady by the name of Alexa Young. She had created an oracle based around the Tarot, it is a inspired creation and involves a group of people coming together to experience the Tarot in a group setting. It is based around a board and can be called a game only in the loosest definition. Alexa held the Star card to be the card that inspired her to create the game and it's symbolism is intrinsically linked with the game. When I met her she asked through her daughter Lisa if I would like to play a game with her, which we did. The title of the Oracle was Llumination and it was a way to experience the magic of the tarot in a expanded setting and to share it with others.
Llumination has been around for many years, but Alexa's untimely passing left the game and it's many inspired offshoots languishing in a legal marshland. I took it upon myself to learn how to facilitate the games in order to help promote it, as I believe it is a very valuable tool for self-discovery. In the last few weeks though, there has been new growth and excitement for the game and the related Tarot resources. I have had the personal pleasure of helping to move the game forward and it is a time of renewed hope for it to get out there and into the world with the recognition it truly deserves.

Forgiveness and releasing grudges

2012-02-09T14:38:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream. In the dream I found myself in a village and in the village centre I saw all the townsfolk at war with each other. At first I wondered why they would be fighting and then I saw the cause. Above them hovered a gigantic spectral skull and I knew that they fought because of this apparition. I knew that if I could vanquish this spectre then the people would be free and would no longer turn upon their neighbours. So I gave chase to the skull and used a bow and arrows that had appeared in my hands to try and destroy it. Each time I was about to deliver the final blow it would round a corner and I would not be able to line up a shot. At this point I awoke from sleep the skull still at large.
Now you may wonder what this has to do with forgiveness and grudges, but stay with me and it will become apparent.
Many years ago I my trust in a dear friend was betrayed. This single event has been a catalyst for me in coming to terms with many great and difficult issues for me. From this I have learned to get in touch with my anger and to understand what it is to stand up for one's own integrity. Her subsequent disappearance forced me to deal with this on an internal level since it could not play itself out in the world. Forgiveness has been out of reach for me and an earlier acceptance would have meant an avoidance of those very aspects which had caused the situation in the first place.
Yet I find that I do not have a complete sense of peace in my heart. I doubt that the person in question will ever come forward and apologise. So is my sense of peace dependent on the fickleness of another? Forgiveness has always come easy to me until now and I had never known it was so easy because my sense of self worth and integrity had allowed my feelings to be walked upon without raising an objection. How much more difficult it becomes once one has stood for their own worth.
One of the most difficult pieces of the puzzle is how to let go without going backwards, without offering acceptance for behaviour I know is un-acceptable. Yet without a form of acceptance there is no peace. How does one go forward in love without losing self worth and integrity or lining oneself up for repeat situations?
In the dream the people war with one another because of this spectre of the past. I let it escape because of my own fears of what will occur once it no longer exists.
I know that I don't wish to wait till judgement day to find my peace once more..it is too long a wait. It surely cannot rest upon the acquiescence of another even if one hopes for that. I read on forgiveness yesterday and was struck my several accounts of forgiveness. One was a priest who was beaten daily for his faith and he had advised that one must forgive entirely, that not one shred must be left. Another stated that you must forgive so entirely that the other must be allowed to save face and you cannot hold anything against them, not in word, action, attitude or posture. Visualising this for me caused me a great deal of difficulty, how so much I want the other to understand the damage done. Yet while I do this they still posses an element of power over me.
It seems that forgiveness is the only way to fully release that, to return to my power in love. Yet one must also hold to one's course, to one's boundaries or all is lost and the lesson is lost. This situation also holds true for other situations in which grudges are held. Holding out for an acknowledgement from one who is unrepentant, unaware or unwilling is a fool's errand. This process is a delicate one and requires that each step along the road must be taken in fullness and not bypassed because one understands where the final step lays. Going through the anger, the pain and all the scars is necessary to grow as fully as possible. Any little left uncleansed remains with us and arriving at forgiveness prematurely is just as dangerous as never arriving at all.
I have been arriving at that place in myself in which I can feel love for those that have wronged me, yet be able to see, free of judgement that they are damaged and not feel the need to push that upon them. Each person is necessarily at a different point and for some no less than exclusion is necessary to maintain my boundaries comfortably. Others I could allow back into my life if they wished it so, with loving conditions. There is a teasing apart of all that comprises each relationship and understanding where the boundaries need to lay and it is a process that has to rely only on my own inner authority.

3 of Wands. Struggle and success.

2012-01-31T19:33:00.001-07:00

The Three of Wands is an interesting card for many reasons. At first glance it is similar to the previous card, the Two of Wands. It has a figure surveying the land with a stave in hand. This card has a different feel to it though.

I feel a connection to the figure in this card, his mismatched clothing suggests he has travelled far through many different lands to get to the position he is enjoying now. His patchwork cloak suggests this traveller has adopted many differing attitudes and mixed them together. The sufi's would often caper around as fools in patchwork cloaks, similar to the idea of a jester's motley. To the average man, the jester would seem a ridiculous figure garbed in bright and unfamiliar colours. His actions would seem bizarre and nonsensical, yet he would be the only figure in the court who would be able to speak candidly to the King or Queen without fear of reprisal. His role as fool would protect him from repercussions and would often allow him to be party to conversations or knowledge that others would never hear.

The traveller in the card though seems as though his destination is in sight. He has climbed to a pinnacle and now looks down upon the next leg of his journey. Before him spreads a golden sea with ships upon it. It is left to the observer to project their own consciousness onto the card as to what the final destination is. For some simply arriving at this point after struggle may signify success and it does, but one that is not fully complete. Complete success is found in the next card, the 4 of Wands. The success enjoyed in this card is transitory at best, it as arriving at the crown of a hill to see the real peak still laying before you.

For me the destination is the mountains beyond the sea. How I will get there is the question. Drawing this card has raised some interesting thoughts and feelings in me. It, coupled with recent events in my life have brought forth an interesting aspect of my own consciousness. The idea of struggle and success are relevant to me at this point in my life. I have certainly seen struggle, but it raises the question of whether it needs to be present in every situation. It seems as though I have enjoyed no short cuts in my life. But how much of that is my own doing?

Zoe said to me that I always take the most difficult route to success and that it is not always necessary to do so. She is right in that and I am hoping this card may offer a key to change that dynamic. In order to better understand this I allowed myself to visualise myself within the card's environs. I found that naturally my expectation would be that I would not find passage on the ships to cross the sea and would end up walking around the edge of the sea to get to my destination or by bartering my labour for a space in the hold. I do understand the need for determination and tenacity, but when my own imagination makes me walk around the sea I understand that something else is going on here.

I know that when such things have occurred in my life I have hardened my anger and frustration into resolve to push on through. I guess maybe it is the English stiff upper lip that is responsible, the part of me that responds to extreme difficulty by battening down the hatches and carrying on. History is replete with such English stoicism and while somewhat admirable I can't help but feel that that mindset may help perpetuate the problem. The reality I give it my own mind creates the problem in my external reality.

This hardened anger and resolve has formed a pattern that has crystallized around my hips as I have literally 'girded my loins' to push on. As a result I have deep tensions in my hip joints. I know I find it difficult to see any other solution than pushing on through the rough stuff. Anyone who has spent time in the UK knows that soldiering on is often taken as something one must do to get by on a daily basis. Shattering this paradigm is proving a little difficult as my usual way of dealing with a difficulty is actually the problem. Even the previous sentence shows how deeply held it is, that I would even view it as difficult.

The solution lies in learning to see an easy solution, or seeing the solution as easy. Once this is done then the difficulty in each situation will fall away and I will be able to find shortcuts and simple solutions. Believing that there is an easy solution is the first step, this will stop me "giving up" on a shortcut and resorting to the long arduous path. This will keep me conscious in the situation and prevent me from falling back into unconscious patterns which I am looking to dissolve. I have already build the "character" that hardship imbues one with and any further difficulty begins to look like laziness on my part.

2012 and the new awakening

2012-01-30T16:31:00.000-07:00

My monitor died this morning. It didn't happen with a bang, just an almost inaudible buzzing before the screen went black. It is the latest in a series of electronics that have given up on me in the last year. It seems like the universe is trying to give me a message and up until now I don't think I have been listening. The message isn't that technology is doomed and that we are going back to a medieval subsistence farming paradigm (at least I hope not!), it is more personal than that. I think mostly the universe speaks to us in a personal way, about our lives and what we can do to make things better.
2012 is already upon us and many of us are looking to see something extra-ordinary happen. Whether it is the collapse of the financial institutions to aliens descending from the skies, I think we are all looking for a change in our lives. 2011 was a pretty crappy year for me and I have high hopes for this year. But it is entirely plausible that when 2013 arrives (as it inevitably will) we will look back and wonder what if anything happened. I for one would like to be someone who can say something profound did happen. If I continue to look outside myself for something to happen in order to change my life then I may well be waiting till 2013 and beyond. Sure, something may happen on an external level and I do think it is time for a change...but I cannot sit and wait for that to occur.
A fellow blog writer (http://www.jaimemintun.com/) recently wrote that the changes in 2012 are up to us, that we cannot sit and wait for all our wishes to be delivered to us on a plate. I am starting to see the sense in that idea. If nothing does change globally then at least it will have changed personally and I can look back at 2012 and say in all honesty that 2012 brought a great awakening.
Luckily my monitor has a three year warranty and the nice gentleman at LG said they would even take care of delivery. It is also possible since my current monitor is discontinued that they will supply me with an improved model. None-the-less my days plan has collapsed. As my mind tried to scrabble for what I could do instead, I saw a spark of insight dancing in my being. The day suddenly seemed filled with new possibility, instead of blasting undead with lightning deep underground in the mythical land of Skyrim I could do a myriad of other things. Sure, I would have to stop work on my latest piece of art and also put off completing a teaching manual I was working on, but this ray of light seemed fleeting and would soon disappear if I let it slip from my grasp.
Another friend of mine writes a blog on truck driving interspersed with philosophical musings (http://isterlings.blogspot.com/) and he recently asked me to give him my opinion on an article related to healing and the dynamics of healing. The article was very long and complex, but one piece stuck in my mind. It was a section on the base chakra (check out the tab at the top for more info on chakras). The interesting part of this article for me was that it related difficulties in the lower chakra to unconsciousness. That once we liberated this unconsciousness, it could be transformed into apathy (the energy of the chakra above) and so on until it was fully released.
The cord that this struck was that I tend to get pulled back into unconsciousness, or at least semi-conscious states quite regularly. There are a number of different behaviours and habits I have adopted that bring me back out of higher states and lower my vibration. So in the interest of growth I took that spark of inspiration I felt and created a list of all the behaviours that take drag me into states of either unconsciousness or semi-consciousness. Doing this I realised that I needed to do something about this before I was overcome by another one of these habits. So I composed a list of 7 behaviours and 7 replacement habits I could cultivate in their stead. What I intend to do is to have my own 2012 awakening and do my part for global enlightenment by sticking to this throught 2012. It's kind of a challenge, but I think that is the point!

Anyway here are the lists:
Behaviours that create unconscious or semi-conscious states:
1. Listening to my ipod (this is actually one of the piece of electronics that malfunctioned and no longer allows me to update my song list. I am literally stuck in the past when I listen to it..or at least my song choices from 2008).
2. Playing Video games. This one is pretty difficult for me as I tend to play them to chill out and really enjoy them, plus I don't wish to martyr my enjoyment on the altar of growth. In order to do this I will not play games I have already finished, have not been waiting for or are for the purpose of killing time (and consciousness).
3. Watching TV shows online. I don't have a problem with a weekly show, but I have fallen into the habit of watching them to pass the time or to distract me while I work on something else. So, like video games, no repeat show watching or for time or consciousness killing.
4. Browsing Online. This is anything from forums, articles, flash games to craigslist or other supposed "constructive" uses. Facebook would be here if I liked or spent time here!
5. Eating badly. For me this is sugary or chocolaty snacks mainly. Although some foods make me sleepy which is the same things as lowering my vibration.
6. Working in jobs that limit my enjoyment. Not that I have such a job now, but I have a tendency to spend huge swathes of time making money at the expense of joy or growth. Realising that these jobs are not beneficial to my consciousness and it's growth should be enough. Such jobs are one in which I am counting down the hours till I finish or make me feel bad about myself and my life.
7. Oversleeping or dozing. I tend to sleep long and late and will occasionally use dozing or napping as a way to pass time. This is spending time in unconsciousness in its purest form and if I can cut it back to the simple amount my body needs for rest then I will not be wasting opportunities.

Rather than just going cold turkey on them all I have also created a list of things I can do to replace the time that becomes available.

1. Stretching or exercising. I often feel I have little time to do this, but it is simply not true. What happens is I get stuck in an unconscious or semi-conscious pattern.
2. Un-distracted artwork (or creative endeavor). I like artwork, but the truth of it is I sometimes find it difficult to do so without a form of distraction (which inevitably gets turned off once I really start). Often finding a suitable distraction will take up more time and energy than the actual creation of the artwork!
3. Meditation. This is simple enough and always beneficial.
4. Conversation on enlivening topics. I wanted something on the list that wasn't solitary and would help me avoid listening or partaking in gossip or discussion of people's problems.
5. Body or Energy work. This includes for myself and others.
6. Productive or constructive work. From writing blogs, to creating value for my products or services that will eventually benefit others. This may include jobs that are growth inducing or learning new skills (languages, instruments, techniques).
7. New or enjoyable experiences. Whether this is starting a class, going somewhere interesting or new or trying something different. Providing it is dropped if it is not enjoyable or productive.

Hopefully I can maintain this, but putting it out there means I have to take it a lot more seriously than if I just wrote it in my journal!
I believe increasing my own consciousness is a good way accelerate the process of global enlightenment and feel good about myself at the same time.

3 of Swords. Heartbreak and break up.

2012-01-28T16:27:00.000-07:00

The symbolism of this card is pretty apparent, the three swords piercing the heart through with a cloudy backdrop just shouts heart ache and sorrow.
I was concerned when I drew this card and Zoe gave this card a look and said we might be in for some friction. I left the card to sit for a while, because quite honestly I wasn't feeling a great deal of heartache. The card has sat for a few days now and I have not noticed any unusual friction within my own life. I have however noticed a great deal of it going around.
Many of the women in the periphery of my life have been struggling to extricate themselves from difficult relationships, relationships that have included abuse emotionally and sometimes even verbally. Friction is not uncommon within relationships, but sometimes it is more than simple two individuals rubbing each other the wrong way. In these instances breakup is only ever going to be the healthy option.
The heart in the card is pinioned by three blades from above, the clouds are dark and rain falls. Yet behind the heart is illumination showing that beyond the heartache something new and fresh lies beyond.
Heartbreak is difficult, but sometimes the heart needs to be broken open so that it can feel once more. The walls we build around our hearts are often strongly re-enforced and nothing short of a sundering will bring them down. This is not the falling walls of The Tower card, it is an energy that can be felt and risen above regardless of its intensity.
The three swords in the card also speak of a trinity connected to the heartbreak. This may be another person in the dynamic or an external event outside two individuals. Wherever three instances occur there is often something greater happening.
A colleague of mine (who I am yet to meet) has informed everyone at the healing centre that we all currently going through a process of letting go of old emotions as our spirits are being elevated. I am unsure of whom he is meaning when he states this (I get the feeling he is talking globally) asI usually don't connect easily to these mass trends occurring. Although in this case I have felt rather emotionally unusual in the last few days and have heard similar reports from those around me. It may be astrological, circumstantial or synchronous but it is definitely occurring, at least to me and those within my immediate circle.
I was able to cast of this unusually morose upsurge of emotions this afternoon and I feel it may be related also to witnessing people throwing off unhelpful energetic structures and attachments.
But back to the subject of heartbreak. When we release these old attachments, it can feel like our hearts are pierced through. One interesting thing to note is that this card falls in the suit of swords which are in the mental realm. One would assume heartache should fall within the realm of cups or emotions, yet it doesn't. What are we to make of this unusual detail? Is it possible that this heartache is occurring due to damage to the ego?
The swords are piercing and destroying the heart and in doing so are removing our illusions about love and its influence in our life. Nothing can actually harm our immortal spirit, but the emotional constructs we build up around ourselves can certainly be shattered and if we are strongly attached it can certainly feel like our spirits are being torn asunder. The true connections we have with one another can never really be harmed, it is only our frail emotional bodies that suffer when we break up. It is the attachments we held in our hearts that are really sundered. It is an illusion that is painfully real that has been pierced. If there is nothing left when the attachments are lost then it suggests that there was nothing there to begin with, but those we are truly connected with are not lost through simple emotional turmoil.
You can love someone dearly, lose them and yet not suffer heartbreak through an understanding of the continuation of spirit. When heartbreak and pining for the lost attachment occurs, it is not the person you mourn but the loss of illusion and what you thought was real. This difficult moment can be used to see what illusion you were so attached to in the other and then use it realise that part actually lies within you. Heartbreak is a powerful lesson and many people try and leave it behind as quickly as possible without seeing that within it are the seeds to avoid it happening again to us, if we would only stop to see what it is we feel we lost.
So if you are suffering from heartbreak or loss, remember that we never truly lose loved ones, it is their influence or what they represented to us that we are mourning.

Page of Pentacles. The sensualist.

2012-01-26T16:03:00.001-07:00

The character of the Page of Pentacles is an earthy one. The figure in this card has a masculine look even though the Page's are often regarded as the "Princess" cards, representing either young or female characters.
He gazes raptly upon the pentacle in his hands, similar to all the court cards with the suit of pentacles. This suit has a very absorbing quality which causes many people to get caught up in the material aspects of their lives. The pentacle itself looks almost weightless in his hands, as if it were ready to float away.
The card itself is very green and verdant and the colours particularly stand out with a lot of contrasts between the greens and reds and the oranges and blues. There are flowers beneath his feet and a copse of trees behind him, while to the right one can make out a field which appears in the Knight of Pentacles.
There isn't a great many clues as to the nature of this individual other than he represents the earthy aspect of earth. In such, he is enraptured by the very element of earth. He is likely to prize the sensory nature of his being as being paramount. Taste, touch, smell, sight and sound are all important to him. He is a sensualist in the purest sense of the word. He is the child of the earthy court cards and as such is still very much like a child learning to experience the world through their body.
This character has not learned enough yet to be pragmatic or set in his ways, he simply is too absorbed within his own experience to give it much thought. His lack of all the other elements can have him come across as emotionless or lacking in the finer aspects of being, but he is simply uninterested in them.
The pentacles themselves are related to money and this is important to him, it is gateway that allows him to pursue greater sensory indulgences. Touch is also a primary sense for him and any career or occupation that allows him to be tactile works well with this character, he likes to be physical and to work directly with his hands. The predominance of green suggests he could be a gardener or be somehow connected to the vegetative world.
This card is not an aspect I have a great connection with and is an element I find difficulty embodying. My astrological chart has no earth in it and until recently green has held little or no interest to me as a colour. The appearance of this card does relate to an aspect of my life that I am attempting to bring into fruition though. I have recently been in touch with a massage school here in the hopes of being able to add this modality to my skills. I have done energy work for almost 10 years now and have been happy to continue to build and grow my skills there. But, recently I have found the need to expand and add an earthy element to my practice. There are simply some difficulties within the energy system and body that are much easier to deal with physically. Most problems have a physical element at least somewhere in the process and that has been an element that I have been unable to work with.
The sticking point has been money. My business has picked up a little, certainly enough to feel a little more comfortable with how things are progressing and there is certainly hope for the future. But it is not quite at the level where I am comfortable also paying for a course in massage along side it. This is a shame as I have the time, but not the resources to make it work at the moment. Since I am a relatively new resident in the US I am unable to get any kind of loan as my credit score has to start from scratch.
I have definitely been feeling the need to add an earthy component and this card is another nudge in that direction. The page however is never likely to take financial risks, he is too practical for that and I feel in this he is right. I have certainly undertaken more than my fair share of risky ventures and been burned just as many times.
However there is also the part of me that understands that I may well be trying to make this choice because it is the seemingly best of available options. Settling for a choice that doesn't fully fulfill simply because it is available is a difficulty I have faced before and I often have trouble with this especially when it comes to material choices. There are often better ways to be fulfilled and leaping for a boat that is passing close by, but not stopping for you can be a risky proposition. Unless you are certain of course and I don't feel certain about this.
I believe in the end the card is showing me a possibility, certainly one that could become a reality. But is also a chance for me to see how strongly I want it and right now I am wavering, so I don't feel I will be leaping for this anytime soon.

8 of Wands. Movement and speed.

2012-01-23T19:09:00.001-07:00

The Eight of Wands has no figures in the card, which makes it somewhat unique. Usually the cards will include figures in order to create a connection with the viewer, but this card harks back to older decks which didn't always include them. Instead we are treated to the eight wands angling downwards as if they were arrows falling from the sky.
In the majority of the cards I have tried to connect to the element of each of the cards without recourse to looking for their meaning detailed by another. In the case of this card I found it difficult to connect without looking at what others had written about this card. In most decks and in other books on the Tarot, there is some discrepancy between the supposed meaning. When I first read on the Tarot I understood this card to mean quickness, movement and fiery electric energy. I have, however read that this card can also mean blockage or hold up. I don't particularly subscribe to this element, other than it could relate to this energy not being present and thus causing a blockage.
Since the wands in the card resemble arrows falling to earth, at least to me, I connect to the meaning of things happening quickly and use it as such in my readings. When you do this, that is what the card becomes to you. There is also an element of uncertainty as everything in the card is up in the air.
The way I understand the energy of this card, it is similar to the sense of timelessness one gets when you are watching something moving very quickly and it appears to hang motionless for a moment. The arrows in this card have been fired into the air and are rapidly moving to their destination, but while they are in the air there is a silence and timelessness. There is a beauty in these moments, the eternal pause while moving rapidly. The card speaks of the energy of movement, yet not frenetic movement such as in the Knight of Swords who charges madly forward.
There is a precedent for this type of energy in my life at the moment. All my arrows are in the air and I must wait and watch them speed to their destination. The moment of action has been set in motion and the energy is carrying forward without my influence any longer. All that remains for me is to see which arrows strike their target and which miss.
In my life I have set forward in many different projects. I have begun to pursue my art a little more actively as well as launching many different ideas into motion at my workplace. They centre is planning to create retreats for tourists to a plot of land in the painted desert and it is already in motion. Along with several other side projects that have been initiated.
The background of the card is pastoral and suggests relaxation and calm while your ideas speed their way to their targets. The card has a certain zen aspect of being in the moment and still even in the midst of action. It reminds me somewhat of my martial arts background in which great speed is achieved without thought, that instinctual moving followed by a calm observation of the moment that follows. Any other energy is extraneous and unnecessary.

XV - The Devil

2012-01-17T23:17:00.001-07:00

This is often viewed as one of the most terrible cards in the deck, certainly by anyone with a superstitious or hellfire religiosity. In truth it may simply be that this is one of the more misunderstood cards in the tarot. Does is portend horrible damnation and hell-fire? No, but it does speak to those things that most devoutly minded folks fear, namely drink, drugs, anger, sex, addiction and all the perils of the material world. So, you may ask how does a card that portrays all those things possibly have a positive side?
Well, a goodly portion of many pagan belief systems incorporate a being that exemplifies and honours those particular traits. Looking at these deities you could easily mistake them for the Christian Devil. I am looking at you Bacchus, Dionysus and Pan. These deities incorporate wild celebration, intoxication and abandon in their portfolios. This was for a very good reason and the reason that modern religions have become stiflingly staid. It was so that these elements could be safely incorporated into life without needing them to explode societally the way that any suppressed material does if not fully accepted. The celebration done in their name could seriously reduce the dangerous pressures that build up within people otherwise. It is the reason that celebration has such a strong dark side in our culture, it's moral non-acceptance.
The card itself does also have meaning beyond this cultural understanding. It does speak to the dangers of the material world and its seductive power to entrap individuals. The figures in the card are chained to the block the winged creature sits atop, but their shackles are not so tight as to be binding. They could easily escape from their confinement if they chose, simply by slipping off the bindings. But, the pleasures and sensations of the material world often cause people to bind themselves willingly to them in the form of addictions and excesses.
It may also be noticed that the card is spookily similar to the lovers card and the card's number 15 can be reduced numerologically to 6 (1+5) which is the number of that particular card. This refers to the danger of becoming trapped within unhealthy relationships.
The card also has connections with Capricorn, as evidenced with the goat like legs of the devilish being. Capricorn is an earth sign and has a strong relationship with materiality. The Devil is also holding a torch which he has held in a downward position, which symbolises illuminating the lower regions of the psyche. His other hand is raised in a gesture which looks like Spock's Vulcan greeting, which in fact is a derivative of a Jewish blessing resembling the hebrew letter "shin" meaning "almighty God". This creates a strange dichotomy in the card in that on one hand he is plunging the light into the lower realms and with the other he has his hand raised as a symbol to God. This can be interpreted thus, he is in fact representing the light-bringer (Lucifer) whom God consigned to the lower realms and is challenging the querent to illuminate their own lower psyche with consciousness (could the Devil actually be a servitor of God you may dare to ask!)
Above the head of the Devil one can see a five pointed star turned opposite to its usual aspect. When it is aligned like this it means the triumph of matter over the spiritual and is often seen as a symbol of evil. Below the Devil are two naked figures similar to the man and women in The Lovers card, they have horns upon their heads and tails sprouting grapes and fire. They have fallen to their animal nature and have become entrapped by their own inflamed desires and lust for pleasure. They warn of the dangers of indulging too deeply of sensory pleasure.
The meaning of the card is to understand that we have an lustful, violent, addictive and angry aspect that can enslave us if we either ignore it or indulge in it too deeply. The enlightened individual is able to draw upon this reservoir of power in order to overcome earthly obstacles and to give us passion and drive to do so. They are not beholden, nor chained and can let go once it has surpassed its necessity. It can give us that connection to the earth and the tenacity and capability to ascend to high places, much like Capricorn the goat.
This card also heavily relates to the base or root chakra and its liberation from reliance on materialism. That is how I have connected to this card. The base chakra is about survival, matter and the sensory world. It is the doorway to the cellular level of our energy system, at which our body is able to directly regulate its health and regeneration.
I was drawn to this card after I made a break through regarding opening my base chakra. It has proven troublesome over recent years and has resulted in a level of poverty and fear on a material level. As a result my hips have tensed up and have refused to relax making exercise and stretching in particular very difficult. It has been a very long and arduous process and I understand when I begun this that it was related to this card. This insight came to me as I lived in the UK and I began to understand working through the issues contained in this chakra were not going to be an easy or quick fix. To say that what happened recently was the final catalyst for change would take away from the years of inner work that preceded it. I had to get over my dislike of materialism and the patterns that told me that money, career and focusing on daily living were only for the spiritually bereft. I had to move across the world and relocate in the US before I could happily root myself in a place I felt was right for me. I had to face deep fears of abandonment (along with actually being abandoned by my closest friend) and the resulting anger and hatred that this caused. I have been to the depths of the pit, on all levels...physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
It has given me a great deal in return though. I have my motivation returned, I can connect to my artwork once more and can pursue my dreams. But of late another aspect has begun to finally open up. The physical aspect.
Last year I made a resolution to be able to return flexibility to my legs and hips, to be able to stretch deeply and to remove the chronic tension. I started the year off with a yoga intensive, but quickly found that although there was some improvement, it was only incremental and would quickly return to its normal soon after I finished exercising. It was as though there was a tightly coiled spring in my hip joints that wouldn't allow any level of flexibility and pushing them only caused pain and tearing. I turned my attention to the deeper causes, the tension and it's mental connections. I understood that as long as the psychological patterns that caused my hips to tense continued to exist any exercise was basically wasted. This I know flies in the face of many people's perceptions of how exercise and particularly yoga works. But halfway through the year I found success when after a particularly deep meditation and some serious contemplation I was able to free up the area around my sacral bone in just one evening. Afterwards I was able to sit cross-legged comfortably for the first time in years. After that I was able to open up my shoulders by working on issues connected with anger and feeling like I was unable to strike out.
In the past few days I have been able to do the same with the front of my pelvis, allowing me to be able to stretch my legs deeply to either side. This occurred when I meditated and was able to perceive on a cellular level the "feeling" of contraction in my hips and reverse it by connecting to my subconscious and requesting its reversal. It was also psychologically connected to the freedom of my artwork and its previous "tightness".
This for me represents a massive shift in terms of my comprehension of matter. I no longer feel chained and have the tools to remove the remained of the bindings that have occurred physically over the years. It has also allowed a new level of expertise in my healing work that I feel is yet to be fully understood by myself.
The Devil card represents such feelings of being bound and trapped by an external force much greater than ourselves. We can struggle for years against the chains of anger, violence and addiction. We can feel hopeless and helpless. We can feel trapped in darkness and unable to free ourselves because we cannot see our bindings. Yet the chance for freedom lies within the grasp of our own consciousness if we can only find the chains that bind us and lift them from us.
The Devil thrusts the torch downwards to illuminate the figures so they might see their bindings for themselves. He has enticed us and seduced us, yet he offers us the power to remove those bindings if we are only to look. It is us that stay trapped in those cycles, he cares not if we escape and even seeks to aid us if we dare ask our captor..."What binds me?"

6 of Swords. Moving away from turbulence

2012-01-16T18:59:00.000-07:00

The Six of Swords is a card that is usually the precursor to a journey of some kind. The figure in the card is guiding a gondola away from turbulent, and one presumes shallow waters to a distant land visible on the horizon.
Since the card is in the suit of swords this relates to a mental endeavor, a moving away from an emotionally troubling situation. This has been happening in my own life rather recently. It has been no secret to anyone reading my blog recently that this past year has been one of emotional and financial turmoil. I got a great deal done on a personal level. I broke through my artistic and motivational block, I found a new workplace for my healing and I put a very difficult personal matter to rest after a number of years. This has all been tumultuous and I am grateful for those who offered me the support and help I needed during this time (Zoe especially).
This however is a new year (just entering into 2012) and it presents an opportunity to fully leave behind the emotional difficulties of the past.
The figure is moving the heavily laden barge to a far off destination. One can see the turbulent waters close to the front of the card and the smoother waters beyond. On the barge is huddled a figure in a cloak and a young child along with the six swords. You cannot see their faces or their expressions but you can see they are slightly hunched over and there is an air of weariness about them. It is easy to imagine that it has been a long and difficult journey and the emotionally difficult situation is only just ending. We cannot see the shore that he has left behind and must look towards where he is heading.
Moving ahead requires looking forward and that is what this card is asking us to do. Even though there is a level of turbulence still around the boat and he is still poling them through it, he looks to the future and the smooth sailing he will encounter before he reaches his destination.
The six in each suit always represents a level of harmony, even in the sometimes troublesome suit of swords. In this card in particular you can feel the sense of relief that the figures in the card feel in heading to calmer waters. The cargo of swords that has probably weighed them down through the tumultuous emotional roller-coaster ride may actually now cease to be such a burden and may even prove useful. The card represents the enjoyment of a journey, when you are out of trouble and the destination is in sight.
I can really feel the energy of this card in myself and in my life. I remain optimistic about this new year and the opportunities it will offer and the troublesome burden of all the thoughts I carried throughout the journey may find a worthy home.
The three figures in the card, like dream symbolism represent the aspects of the body, mind and soul. It also relates to the trinity of male, female and child. It suggests that all of you is moving out of danger, not just one isolated element. Whether this all represents your family or simply all one person represents, it is a good sign.
Like all movement it is always the beginning part, the overcoming of inertia that is the most difficult and challenging. Once movement is attained, then everything often goes a great deal smoother.

V - The Hierophant

2012-01-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

Drawing this card has coincided with lots of situations that involve teaching, which is relevant as the Hierophant is a teacher, specifically a spiritual teacher.
He is the embodiment of the external teacher, a person you can turn to in the real world that can help you ascend the ladder of illumination. Of course, this being may be a woman or a man, or even an institution of some type. Whoever they are they have a set of guidelines and a method of teaching that they follow. There is an element of dogma involved, which although has a bad reputation can prove helpful if applied correctly.
I myself am a Reiki Master teacher, which means I have both the know how and the qualifications to teach others how to practice Reiki. In the past week I have received several requests for information about when and if I will be running workshops. I have not run any workshops out of my new practise yet, so it is going to be a new endeavor for me on some level. This always creates a small level of anxiety as I want to provide the best training possible, yet in the past have often exhausted myself in running workshops that involve giving too much of myself and my time.
On the other hand I also attend several other workshops and have been enjoying being taught new techniques. Balancing this all is new and to realise one can be both student and teacher at the same time is a very helpful exercise in humility. I also used to presume that teacher was a level that one acheived when a sense of mastery was accomplished. Now, I see that things are not that simply cut. I do still believe that before you can be a teacher you must have a degree of competency otherwise you risk damaging your integrity. But mastery is not a prerequisite.
Also Zoe is considering taking a teaching course in Bikram yoga this year and it has both been in our conversations and in our minds. I think she would make an excellent teacher as she has a quiet competency in all she does, plus the fact that everyone immediately likes her.
The hierophant in the card is represented as a papal figure, which for me has slightly negative connotations given its religious roots. It has an energy of orthodoxy and conservatism, of dogmatism and a disconnection from authenticity. He represents an external guide in the spiritual and for me the slightly negative connotations caused by the religious setting are only superficial.
I have certainly encountered my fair share of poor teachers. Many simply lack a genuine connection or love of the subject matter (one feeds the other of course). Others enjoy a sense of superiority that the position affords them and the ability to make others feel inferior. These situations can all be exacerbated by hidebound interpretations and hierarchical structures.
Then there are the good teachers, those who can open you up to new vistas. Who can infuse you with their love of the subject and a fresh perspective on an exciting subject. It is a shame that the bad teachers often outnumber the few great ones you encounter, but there are certainly great teachers out there to be discovered.
The card has a great deal of symbolism, but the majority of it is connected to the papacy and the church. The major features to note are the twin pillars which are also featured in the High Priestess card (the Hierophant's female counterpart). Whereas the High Priestess represents internal teachings, the Hierophant represnts external or exoteric teachings. Both have their places.
Exoteric teaching is often nessary for the masses who might lack the refinement to understand the intricacies of esoteric teachings, yet should not be excluded from the divine. Unfortunately in our day and age, esoteric teachings have fallen into disrepute and are viewed as the anti-thesis of exoteric ideologies rather than the outer protective shell. It mirrors in many ways the fall of the feminine into disrepute and the exultation of the masculine when in fact they are meant to function in unison for their mutual benefit.
Sadly the pope represents a rather negative image compared than the spiritual and religious archetype he is meant to embody in this card.
Inscribed lightly on the throne of the papal figure one can just make out the symbol for Taurus. Taurus is an astrological earth sign and as a result is not necessarily best suited to fine sentiments and esoteric or philosophical musings. Instead he can become stubborn or materialistic if not motivated by a more spiritual aspect from outside of himself.

XIV - Temperance. The Higher self or guardian angel.

2012-01-03T18:58:00.001-07:00

Temperance is an unusual card. It is difficult to understand it's meaning with just a simple glance and the name temperance doesn't really do justice for a Major Arcana.
Temperance is derived from tempering which is a term used when metals such as steel are made tougher by alternatively heating them in a forge and then cooling them by quenching them in water. It also means moderation on a lesser scale, although that is a more superficial approach to this card and does not touch upon the greater truths existent within this key.
The superficial attribution of this card is to apply moderation in ones life, to cut back on extremes and curb passions or desires that would be harmful in greater quantities. Temperance is itself a virtue in which one seeks to moderate excesses in thought, feeling or emotional outbursts.
To understand the more esoteric side of this card we have to delve into the symbolism involved. The first aspect that is obvious is the angel stood in the centre of the card. This angelic being represents our own guardian angel. The job of the guardian angel is to watch over us and to keep us safe from harm, they are the spiritual protectors of our soul. This angel is also synonymous with the higher self or the super consciousness we all possess.
In the unregenerate or vegetative person this aspect is more a function of the unconscious and they will be unaware of the influence this force plays in their life. This force or element has a very refined consciousness and is available to all and any who would also bring their own consciousness up to a similar level. It will still act on a vegetative person, but they will perceive it as an urging towards moderation by instinctual forces. The average person will recognise it as the voice of conscience which alerts us when we stray into danger or fall into excess. A refined consciousness will recognise it as an intelligence which can offer guidance, advice and solace. It is quite capable of communication, provided we have not shunned our conscience overmuch and are willing and open to our inner landscape.
Once we are open to our conscience as a guide then the angel begins its real task, that of tempering the soul. The angle guides us into life situations that temper us to bring out the greater, stronger qualities we possess. Just as the sword blade must be alternatively be plunged into heat and water to bring forth its inherent strength so must we. The angel is in charge of making sure that these challenges are not sufficiently dangerous or difficult so that we become shattered and providing aid for us when things are hard.
In the card we see that the angle has a upward pointing triangle upon his chest, this symbolises the element of fire. His flame red wings also speak of both fire and air, the elements which are often attributed to masculinity and the heavenly realms. His feet stand on both earth and water, the two female elements which are also connected to the earthly realms. He is in the process of mixing a liquid substance between two chalices, as if carefully measuring an elixir.
This card, like The Lovers card is about syzygy (conjunction of opposites). This card however is talking about that work as concerns one individual. That being's ascent into selfhood, as evidenced by the path by the angel's side. It is talking of an alchemical process with that being, or carefully mixing all the elements together to create a perfect elixir for enlightenment. The Lover's card is primarily concerned with masculine and feminine forces and often relates to an external individual or situation.
The pathway to the angel's side leads to a mountain and beyond to a radiant sun with a blazing crown within. This crown and sun talks of the mystical centre, the point at which conversation with the higher self is possible only after the conjunction of oppositional elements. It relates to Tiphareth in the Kabbalah. The Temperance card, when placed in pathworking falls between Yesod (the subconscious) and Tiphareth (the heart centre). The crown represents the symbol of rightful leadership which is only be granted to the heart that is connected to the light of the source. The angel of Temperance clears the way, working on all the subconscious elements to make the pathway open to the devoted seeker. This pathway is known as the rainbow bridge, created by the archer's arrow which shoots forth the pierce the heart. It is not a surprise then that Sagittarius is the zodiac sign that is attributed to this card. It was known as Bifröst in Norse mythology, the bridge that connected the world of man with the world of the gods.
On the opposite side of the angel, we find a stand of Irises, which mean rainbow in Greek. This of course corresponds to the aforementioned rainbow bridge.
On a personal level this card means a level of transformation and growth after a trying period. Things have been very rough for me recently and 2011 was a difficult year. It has left me a little battered and bruised and this card is here to show me that the crucible was a necessary journey for me. I could have been shattered by the events, but the carefully measured situation has allowed me to become tougher. I feel a new transformation is necessary for me, that I need to grow and open up in a different direction. It is giving me the strength to trust my heart to lead me in the right direction. This last year has shown me I have been willing to bend to the will of those who would not serve my best interests all too easily. Only what I know in my heart can lead me, not the will of those who cannot and do not listen to their own. The voice of my heart and conscience is the only and rightful ruler of my life and I have needed to have that pathway cleared.
Interestingly I had a dream the night I drew this card in which I was talking with a man and I was explaining the virtue of kundalini energy. I was explaining that it was like embodying the serpent and the dove. I can think of no better symbol to explain the forces that need to be combined for kundalini energy to flow.

Getting out of the way of yourself.

2011-12-30T21:36:00.000-07:00

Too often we are in our own way. Many times we are too much in our own heads and can't let go of the control our egos like to exhibit. I learned something valuable today and it surprisingly came from my own mouth. It began with advice about doing a tarot reading, but has expanded into something greater.
When one goes for, or gives a tarot reading posing the question is one of the oft most overlooked piece of the encounter. Yet the question is the crux of the answer and we forget that at our own peril.
I was talking with a colleague today about setting up the question for a reading. How the question is phrased is of the utmost importance. I liken it to programming a computer...any mistake is because of human error. People have a tendency to limit their options for an answer to a simple yes/no or and either/or, but the answer may need to be much more far reaching. Limited views, preconceived notions of what is possible or leading questions can all lead the question astray before you even begin. Spirit will do its best to get the to heart of the matter, but a badly worded question can provide a significant block to interpreting what the cards are saying.
Badly worded questions are limited and closed, not allowing spirit to answer in its fullness. Asking an either or question limits you to two possibilities, when there may be a third you are not even aware of. Yes or no questions can be just as bad.
This is not limited to reading tarot cards, but any interaction with spirit that is limited by our vocabulary. Words have a structure of their own, often with narrow meanings compared to the energy that motivates the question. They can be wonderful tools if crafted well, but often they fall far short.
I sat down this evening to pose a question to my own deck. The question broadly was to be, how to return the magic to my life. Don't get me wrong, I like my life currently, but it is not magical and it has been before. I set out several decks and took a moment to prepare myself before doing the reading.
As I prepared, I focused inwards and relaxed allowing the question to coalesce into being. Sometimes as I do this the answers come before I have drawn the cards. In this instance I realised that I should pose my question as a prayer rather than a reading. What started to form was "How can I best bring magic back into my life" , which changed to "Help me bring magic back into my life". As I focused on this prayer one thing immediately stood out....me.
I was asking spirit to help me bring back the magic, rather than getting out of the way and asking them to do it. I realised it might not be within my finite ability to bring this effect into being. Even with spirit's help, I might not be able to pull off what I was asking for. It is like asking for spirit to give me the strength to get over an obstacle, rather than having spirit remove the obstacle or provide a way to bypass it. My own limitations as a finite being stand in the way of every request in which I ask for help for me to do something.
I do not need to be the one that overcomes the obstacle, that is what my ego would like, but not really what I want. There are instances where it is relevant to me to do something with spirit's help, but this is not one of them.
There is a fine line here that I tread with this, between what I believe is possible for myself and what is possible for spirit to achieve above, beyond and for me. It reminds me of exercise we did in the Celtic workshop in which we do a healing, but the guides do all the work and we watch. For me it was difficult to step aside and let spirit work through me even though the end result might be more effective. There is a part of me that wants to be responsible for the healing directly. It wants the gratification, it wants to believe that it is the source of the healing. But it isn't. It is spirit. It has worked through me, but how much better might it work if the me got out of the way?
Instead of asking spirit to help me, I asked for spirit to return the magic to my life. It involves a faith and a trust and not so much meddling on my behalf. I get to witness the magic occur through the act of faith and in the end, what is the difference? It feels more like commanding than pleading and that can only be a positive step. Spirit doesn't have a problem saying no.

2 of Pentacles. Uncertainty and imbalance.

2011-12-30T02:13:00.002-07:00

The 2 of Pentacles stands at the beginning of the suit and after the strong Ace, promising new beginnings we are already suffering uncertainty. The two pentacles represent material goods, work, money and even health.
The figure is standing on one leg and trying to balance the two coins, while wearing an absurdly tall hat. Not to mention the roiling sea behind him.
Everything about this card shouts that things are unsettled and are trying desperately to find some level of equilibrium. The figure himself looks disinterestedly off into the middle distance as though this unsettling situation is an everyday occurrence. I find myself sympathizing with him as his situation accurately depicts my own at the moment.
His garb is simple reds and yellows, which depict this uncertainty as occurring both on a physical and mental level. Binding the pentacles together is a green band shaped into a lemniscate. This green loop is the symbol for infinity, but in this instance it only seems to underline the fact that uncertainty and change are constant and eternal. Unusually his shoes are also this bright green, which seems to suggest that balance is found in aligning with the heart and grounding that energy.
The figure is somewhat reminiscent of a court jester with his bright clothing and tall hat. The hat seems to further accentuate the rolling and tilting feel of the card. Hats are usually representative of the mental attitudes we possess and he is using that element in the card to make sure he doesn't overbalance. You may also notice the line across the floor near the edge of the sea, this makes the figure look as though he is on stage and the backdrop may merely be a painted image.
Regardless of the figure's juggling , he does seem to have reached a level of equilibrium within his unorthodox posture. He reminds me of a circus clown who while appearing to be on the verge of constantly falling somehow manages to maintain his equilibrium and not spill whatever he is carrying.
The ships in the background are riding the comically curving waves and their journey if those waves are to be believed would certainty be bumpy.
This card is how I feel at the moment in my financial situation. I am juggling several different possibilities for work, while trying to maintain a firm base and I feel like a clown trying to keep a tall stack of plates from falling. Like a cosmic jape that is no longer funny I have passed into the realm of not caring about the performance any longer and it is only a matter of time before the plates come crashing down if no real and enduring equilibrium is found.
Another interesting aspect for me within the card is the aspect of balance as related to physical health. I have been attempting to stretch out my hamstrings and inner knees and finding that when I walk the tightness causes me to walk on the outer edge of my feet. Balancing because of this is more difficult as I tend to sway to either side as I balance on one leg! I noticed some tension in this area as I relaxed in bed last night pondering the day I had been through.
I had run a game of Llumination for the staff at the healing centre. Now Llumination is a tarot based game that I am trained to facilitate. It is kind of like a group tarot reading, but with input from all the other people partaking. It can bring up some interesting topics and can be a lot of fun and very involving for all playing. As I ran the game, we came close to the last round of questions. One of the participants had asked a question about when something would be coming to an end for her, something she has been looking to have closed for over a decade. The game gave the answer that there would be resolution within one month.
Now, for me I find giving such definitive answers is a risky business. I have felt burned too many times by things not coming to pass quite as I had hoped, of leaping and not finding a net beneath me. So much so that my tired old knees protest every-time I have to have faith in something working out as the universe has dictated. Looking back at the situation while I lay in bed I could feel my knees tensing up, even just thinking about having faith in such a definitive answer.
There was a time in which my faith was much stronger with regards to financial matters and such a leap would not have bothered me and lo..a net would appear. Yet, somewhere along the way I have lost that gung-ho attitude and I wonder if a lack of faith is causing me to falter when I am left with such a clear answer.
For me I feel the card points to a deeper problem, that of returning the fearless faith I had in the universe, for without such a faith I just ending damaging my knees after a bad landing. I took a nasty fall and I am afraid to go back and take the high wire once more for fear that once more the net will be gone when I leap.

9 of Pentacles. Financial independence and superiority.

2011-12-28T00:57:00.002-07:00

This card is about plenty and the freedom granted by financial independence. It has brought up a great deal of personal baggage in trying to get myself into the right frame of mind to discuss it. Sometimes entering into the mind state of the card is harder than usual, certainly if the card represents a state that is not resonant for me at this time.
None-the-less I will discuss the card before delving into the more personal aspects. The nine is close to the end of the material cycle represented by the pentacles, we are almost at fullness within this suit. The lady in the card is enjoying all the fruits that material security and independence can buy. She is leisurely enjoying her estate in a fine robe covered in Venusian symbols. Venus being the planet of beauty it shows that her finery is of the greatest opulence. It is a golden robe, which again exemplifies the wealth this card represents. The trim on the robe, along with the hat she wears is a vivid red. Red being a colour of vibrancy, material power and vigour.
Behind her is a golden sunset, the composition balanced by two trees either side of her. The Venusian symbolism, the finery and the balance all suggest this card has links to Libra. To either side of her are the pentacles stacked alongside the rich bunches of grapes, suggesting she can afford to enjoy the finer things in life. The hooded hawk itself is another symbol of aristocracy, also showing her freedom to move about and return to a comfortable resting place. It's hood remains in place as it is not now the time to hunt, but to relax.
At the foot of the card is a snail showing the leisurely and sedate pace created by the secure foundation of wealth. There is no hurry and what one has is simply to be enjoyed.
The card itself seems simple in its analysis but it has been difficult for me to feel the energy behind it. My current financial situation does not reflect the energy of the card, if anything it reflects its opposite. For me my life does not include a material stability or the ability to take things easy and enjoy the finer aspects of living. This created a great deal of conflicted feelings as most of the cards I have drawn have had a real life situation occur that allowed me to understand the energy. Instead this card has raised frustrations and ugly feelings.
Rather than feel stuck, I have looked at the feelings that have emerged in trying to emulate this mindset in attempt to understand why I cannot bring this energy into fruition in my life. Much as when trying to flush out a blocked pipe the first thing to emerge is the cause of the blockage and all that has caused the clogging.
What arises in me is envy. Envy is not an emotion I am used to. Although once I look at it, I see how pervasive it has become in my own life. Being brought to my financial knees has magnified the envy I feel for all those around me in such a way that it has become an intolerable noise. Upon further examination I see that it goes even deeper into my psyche. Last night as I drifted off to sleep I asked for a dream to elucidate my situation so I could better understand how this feeling may be blocking me.
I dreamt that I was in a department store in which several high-tech stands were set up. I was there with my younger brother, although he was much younger in the dream...little more than a young child. I was in possession of a large felt block or box which strapped onto my back by virtue of a Velcro strap. When I put the pale green box onto my back I could hover about at a height of a foot or two. It was quite a pleasurable experience and the box itself felt weightless. As I was hovering about, my brother threw a toy or figurine into a glass display case shattering the front. One of the shop workers came over and scolded me for my brother's actions and informed me that I wouldn't be able to work there because of his action. I felt non-plussed by this as I wasn't really interested in it in the first place. I was considering offering the box to my brother when the dream shifted. It then moved into another aspect about another area of my life which does not seem relevant.
Symbolically the green represents envy and the block...well that represents a block. But, the dream suggests that I am willingly donning the block because it elevates me. I can understand how this may be. I can feel elevated by my envy, I can even feel an element of superiority (aerial superiority!). If I feel elevated then I would naturally feel envious of those who are below me from possessing what I do not. My desire is not born of a genuine desire, but from a righteousness derived from a false sense of superiority. Letting go of this envy and the superior elevated position, although less pleasurable immediately will lead to me finding my own level. It will put me in contact with the earth and ground me in reality.
It is easy to find the source of this. Growing up I was the smallest in my year...bar the kid with a growth disorder. I was also one of the youngest, struggled with my school work and was naturally shy. My family was not wealthy so seeing others with more was a regular occurrence. My father also had a serious inferiority complex, often claiming that Italians were responsible for every single good thing in civilization and therefore by extension he was part of that legacy. I could go on, but it does not serve as there are many factors in this stew and no one thing is fully responsible. It is natural that I would want to feel bigger, better and superior to those who surrounded me, if only to be able to compete.
I can see that this constructed sense of superiority disconnects me from the earth and my true self. I know I possess many good qualities and this envy exists because of my childhood difficulties. It is difficult for me to feel a desire for something without going through a sense of entitlement born of an elevated sense of self. But it is not connected, it is not genuine and only serves to feed this dynamic of envy.
The block in the dream is only connected by a strap of Velcro, yet the desire to feel elevated is strong. Finding a block that doesn't weigh me down is novel, as in my experience they often possess a weight which creates a lethargy and feelings of heaviness. Letting go of the block means letting go of a safety mechanism that has been in place for a long time and has served to keep me afloat when things should have buried me. I know now that I can rely on my own self worth and do not need to keep an aid to buoyancy with me. It is only keeping me from connecting fully with the earth.
In the end I have to let go of this barrier to financial independence, the feeling that has kept me safe for so long. Because it no longer serves and only suffices to keep me disconnected. The elevated sense of self. It is the shadow side of the 9 of Pentacles, an elevated sense of superiority. Granted by things real or imagined.

XX - Judgement

2011-12-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

The Judgement card is one that is easy to mistake the meaning of. It's the title and the heavily christian allegorical symbolism that can throw one off. If you are looking at Judgement in terms of the judiciary meaning then take a look at the Justice card, it is not about crime and punishment.
What is immediately obvious to anyone with more than a passing relationship to the Book of Revelations is that the symbolism...the angel blowing the trumpet, the dead arising and a possible tidal wave in the background, is striking.
Rather than meaning an actual end of the world "Judgement Day", it is about our own personal reckoning.
The card is speaking of soul fragments that have either "died" or become trapped being raised from their confinement. In the journey of the Fool, when he encounters this particular situation it is when he must face the parts of himself that have become lost, trapped or relegated to the past. The clarion call of the angel resurrects the parts of himself that have been left behind so they can be re-united in wholeness.
The idea of facing parts of our past we want to have buried can be somewhat disturbing. We may have buried them for a reason...or so we feel. They may be associated with terrible times, traumatic events or feelings of deep shame or denial. They may even be happy parts that we no longer feel we have a right to, or that belong to another time, or are so polluted with attachments to bad memories we don't want to look.
Drawing this card has meant for me a long hard look at the choices and difficulties in my own life. I have worked heavily on this area, but I could feel something birthing through the process. It forced me to consider my relationship with Zoe in a honest and straight forward light. We have a great relationship, but there are elements that could be improved upon. Elements we both need to be happy with ourselves and with each other.
Many years ago Zoe lost a very important person to her. She felt a great connection to him, so when he passed away suddenly it left a hole in her life. They were both in their teens and so it was very unexpected and shocking. It didn't help that Zoe was going through several already difficult experiences in her family life at the time, or that there were elements that made her feel indirectly responsible for his passing. For her the joy and excitement of teenage feelings were stripped away in a horrifying manner leaving a void and a powerlessness in their wake. So, for her those happy feelings are tainted with the circumstances in which they were lost and resurrecting them can seem like a disturbing consideration. Talking about the situation alone is enough to bring tears to her eyes.
In the struggle for wholeness, we cannot leave any parts of ourselves behind. For in truth, there is a part of us forever living that trauma and that deeply affects the quality of our lives and the relationships we form with others. A certain level of bravery is required to face our fallen pieces, to see our choices, our mistakes, where we fell and where we were hurt. We all like to believe we are infallible and seeing our loss reminds us of our humanity. But those pieces deserve to enjoy freedom, to be able to step out of their confinement, because they are us and if we do not care for us...who will?
The angel on the card is often described as being Gabriel and I feel this is appropriate. When I first worked with someone to retrieve a piece of their childhood that had been torn away by abuse, it was the image of Gabriel who wrapped his wings around the injured child and carried them from the site.
The flag that flies from his trumpet is reminiscent of the English flag, the symbol of Saint George. Saint George was a knight who was famed for rescuing an imprisoned damsel from a dragon. While we may in our modern minds chuckle at what seems an outdated act of chivalry, there is a greater truth to the story we must consider. We must all become the knight who rescues those imprisoned pieces from the dragons of past. This world needs more than ever people who are unafraid to face their inner demons and claim their souls back. It is this call to action that Gabriel is sounding with his trumpet.
In the Book of Revelations there is talk of seven seals and seven angels with their trumpets. These I feel are analogous with the chakras and the call to open these seals, to raise the dead from their restless slumber is to bring about a new age of wholeness after our own personal reckoning. We need more than ever to forgive ourselves for failing, for being hurt and to reject our imprisonment. The mountains are behind us and to be whole we must make peace with all our pasts.

X - Wheel of Fortune

2011-12-21T01:15:00.002-07:00

This mysterious card the Wheel of Fortune is one of the more enigmatic cards in the Major Arcana. It is usually simplified into "luck" and seen as a benevolent card to arrive in a reading. It is regarded as heralding a change of fortune, usually for the better. How this can be conferred from the symbolism is hard to grasp.
The card itself is bursting with images, symbols and occult looking glyphs. These can be decoded with some understanding and I will elucidate their meanings for you shortly.
I really wanted to get to the bottom of this card as it has been sat on my desk and at my bedside table while I have pondered it's meaning. My own life has been under going some changes recently and I would hope that the changes are for the better. It has felt as though the wheel that has been stuck for so long has begun it's inexorable movement forward out of inertia.
The disk in the centre of the card is what first draws most people's attention. It is a bright fiery red orange contrasting against the blue of the sky, the image being representative of the workings of heaven. Upon the wheel are various glyphs. We have on the outer disk the letters "T" "A" "R" "O" which follow around one full cycle to form Tarot...also Tora(h) and Rota can be gained as well as a few more esoteric forms. Interspersed with these letter are the hebrew letters which form the Tetragrammaton for the name of the God of Israel (YHWH).
The inner circle has delineations representing the eight seasons depicted in various pagan and oriental calendars. These lines are also shown covering the four basic alchemical substances (Water, Mercury, Sulphur and Salt) which sit in the cardinal directions.
This all adds up to a lot of symbolism pointed at calenders and complete systems with multiple components or facets making up the whole. The whole card it seems is based on complete cycles, whether it is the elements, seasons, humours, astrology or numerology (10 is the beginning of a new cycle and entrance into double digits).
When I became ten years old, it felt like I had entered an entirely new realm. There was nothing particularly tangible about it, but I knew that I would never have a single digit age again. It was a rite of passage that once passed could not be rescinded. We all go through certain cycles and there is little we can do to change these things, they are part of the fabric of our universe. The seasons come and go, people are born, grow old and then they die. We are powerless before the wheel of time.
We see on the card Anubis the Jackal headed God of the afterlife on the underside of the wheel, occupying a position beneath common consciousness. His role was as a guardian and protector of the dead in Egyptian mythology. He was also given the role of judge over the souls of the dead, before it was passed on to Osiris. He also appears as a bright red, linking him with the wheel and the process of karma, judgement and the cycling of the souls onto their rightful destinations. This implies that the wheel itself is somewhat driven by karma and it will bring into being what you have sown, the judge being that of the unconscious.
Atop the wheel sits a sphinx, she is a bright blue and is an amalgamation of the four fixed astrological signs who sit in the corners of the card (Leo, Aquarius, Scorpio and Taurus). Curiously she doesn't possess wings and the elemental beings do. The sphinx holds a sword and sits in balance atop the wheel, linking her to the attribute of mind and thought. In her I see a link to the balanced forces of heaven, a conjunction of all the elements in balance sat above the wheel. She is a master of all the elements and even of karma itself. She points to the great secret that frees you from the wheel of karmic fortune, of being aligned with heavenly forces and not being ruled by astrological influences and yet being ultimately a part of them. The lack of wings is a symbol of her choice to remain upon the wheel and the blue is her connection to the throat chakra and living in alignment.
On the descending side we see a golden coloured snake. Snakes are a symbol of wisdom and the gold is representative of wealth. The snake brings the wisdom of the workings of the universe gathered by the four astrological signs down into the material world. This is where the good luck and wealth aspects of the card really come in. The snake has already passed the apex and is descending to earth bringing with it good fortune and great wisdom. By this we can see that the wheel has already been set in motion, that the good karma, wisdom in past actions and alignment with cosmic forces has created a beneficial aspect.
So as to be complete the four astrological signs all sit in their corners studying books of wisdom. They are being filled with knowledge about their respective positions in the universe and they will eventually reach enlightenment (The World card).
The Wheel of Fortune has a very heavy esoteric bias, but most people are happy to see this card as good luck without understanding the mechanisms for its creation, which are all written here upon this key. In the end there will be no need for luck as one will be free to align with whichever stars happen to be favoured, rather than being tied to one's own.
I am not there yet, so I am simply happy to receive this card, to know that the wheel is turning and all the good I have put into play will return to me. Coincidentally (or not), it is interesting to note that I drew this card one calender year from the end of the current cycle in the Mayan calender in 2012...spooky!

4 of Cups. Dissatisfaction and false expectation.

2011-12-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

Pulling this card I wondered how my day would turn out. So far each card I have pulled has affected my day in some form or another, so drawing this card I have been concerned as to what may transpire.
The four of cups is about boredom, dissatisfaction and feeling like your expectations are not being fulfilled. The figure in the card is sat cross legged under a tree, his arms are also folded across his chest indicative of a defensive and closed off posture. His gaze is firmly fixed on the three cups arrayed before him and his expression leads you to believe is not happy with his three cups and he probably won't be happy with four either.
Surprisingly the rest of the card is not all that glum. The grass is green, the sky is blue and there is no immediate threat or danger he is having to face other than his own petulance.
Today I was in danger of feeling the same way, but since the card had primed me I was kind of prepared. I was to spend the day at the healing centre waiting for new clients to come in, or just be around should anybody wish to have a treatment. I usually go in and be there so that if someone has questions I am there at set hours during the week. I had a call from a lady half way through the day who wished to come in to see me. Knowing this card was in the offing I didn't set any expectations so as not to be disappointed. It turns out she wanted to talk and share her experiences in Northern Italy and meet all of us at the centre. We talked for a while and she shared her experiences, then she left taking several of my cards with her. It was a pleasant way to spend the remainder of the day there and I had plenty of chance to talk with R and H who were also at the centre. I realised that it is very easy to become disappointed if you have expectations about certain things occurring in a way you would like them to be.
We all have expectations, it is hard not to. We all want things for our lives and it is difficult to not get caught up when it looks like those things are getting closer or moving away. I find myself getting attached to outcomes that are not certain...counting my chickens before they have hatched. Yet this only ever seems to lead to disappointment and those expectations being let down. Worse than that, like the figure in the card, we can miss the gifts that are right there in front of us.
It is only the attitude of the figure in this card that makes this a card of dissatisfaction. If he were smiling or happy to be where he was, then this could easily be a more positive card. The minor arcana are all about energies and once we understand this we are not beholden to them, or so we do not act in a manner that will make the situation worse.
In the card a fluffy white cloud brings another cup to the disconsolate figure under the tree. So dejected is he, that he is not even aware of this divine gift that is being presented to him. He is danger of missing out on getting more, because of his maudlin attitude.
Because I became aware of the energy dynamic as it was occurring I was able to turn the situation into a positive one. I enjoyed spending time at the centre sharing stories and listening to R and H and when the lady arrived later in the day I was receptive to the information she had to share, rather than being expectant that it may be a possible client. My expectations could have been my downfall. I wonder how many times we miss divine gifts because we are busy being glum or caught up in our own little dramas.

6 of Cups. Nostalgia and reminiscence

2011-12-16T20:13:00.001-07:00

Nostalgia is a powerful bittersweet emotion. It can be wonderful and terrible at the same time, bring aches to your heart and tears to your eyes.
The 6 of Cups is all about that emotion, even in spite of its somewhat confusing imagery. The brightly coloured card shows a figure passing a cup filled with flowers to a younger girl...possibly a child. It takes place in a secure walled town, complete with a guard protecting the meadow where they meet.
I have spent many of my hours of my life lost in nostalgia, recalling the emotions of past times. Mostly I spend it recalling how I felt, emotions that feel out of reach except in bittersweet memories. People say that these emotions are a trap, that they hold you in the past, grasping for things that will never be again. There is an element of truth in their words, but there is also a reason we feel so drawn to these types of thoughts.
There was one element in this card that I could not figure out at first. All of the cards are very well drawn, depicting with skill the elements they talk of. So as an artist there was one thing that stood out to me as I looked at this card. Barring the somewhat ambiguous depiction of a child, there seems to be a strong artistic flaw in this picture. Looking to the left of the card we see steps and a pathway on which a guard with a spear is walking. The pathway is sloping upwards and the lines of perspective point in that direction too, yet the crenelations on the square tower point downwards towards the horizon line. This creates a discontinuity in the image. It is easy to think this may well be an artistic mistake that was overlooked, but if we are to remain in keeping with the idea that all elements have been included for a purpose then it may speak of more beneath the surface of this card.
There are two options I can think of. The first is that the skewed perspective is a commentary on the warped perspectives we often show when we look back on the past, certainly on childhood experiences. The second is that the perspective is not incorrect and it is showing a bridge that is arcing up before suddenly dipping down. This would mean there was a river or some other obstacle we could not see that needed to be surmounted.
There may be an element of truth in both of these statements. As a shaman I understand that memories of the past, regardless of how painful can be keys to certain lost emotions. There are some wounds that do not heal with time and our memories serve to bring us back to these psychical scars time and time again as if probing a missing tooth.
I had a simple dream a few nights back that I have been puzzling over that I believe is somewhat related, at least for me. In the dream I had just emerged from a deep cave system, which has treacherous pathways and narrow ledges. I came upon a town in which I encountered a new car which apparently I had just bought. It was a deep red sporty looking vehicle, somewhat like a Mustang but with a slightly different design. I got into the vehicle and pulled out a map to find my way back home. The map showed a mountain range (somewhat like Colorado) with lots of names upon it. I was trying to find either where I had come up, or Flagstaff so I could return home with my new car. The dream was frustrating in that I could not find either on the map and I didn't want to start driving a new car not knowing where I was or where I was going.
Looking back on the dream I can understand my feelings, having felt like I have just emerged from a very difficult period and found a new way of moving through the world. The problem is in how to bring that home to myself. I look on the map trying to find places I knew, yet not finding them. It is like I can't bring that piece home yet as I don't know the route. I search for a recognizable route but find none.
Often nostalgia is like this. We can find a piece of ourselves trapped somewhere, but there is no point of reference on how to bring it back. So we go again and again to this place to taste the fruit that we have become disconnected from.
Maybe that is the bridge unseen in the card. A link between that sweet memory and the security of our own being. It crosses an unknown obstacle and the route drops out of sight.
The nostalgia in me points to a time when I did feel that great sense of adventure which the sporty car represents. Yet that time is gone and I am yet to understand how to bring it back to my home. I could live it once more by adopting the same attitudes as I had before and embarking on carefree endeavors. I could live in that disconnected dream world, but I have done that many times before. I know eventually the fuel would run low and I would need to rest my head, but I would be in unknown territory and far from home. So I chose not to adopt the mindset of the old...yet there is something there still to be integrated.
In the card we see the larger figure gifting the smaller figure, a possible representation of our own inner child. So the card suggests that nostalgia does offer a gift if we can accept it and find a way to bring it back across the bridge. The way is safe, but unknown and that in itself can be a terrifying prospect.
What I understand is that we have to find these lost fragments of ourselves, the parts of us that have been lost to time, or to hurt and find a way to bring them back to ourselves as we stand now. Otherwise we will never feel complete. It is a process of unearthing, like pulling an artifact from the ground and following the wire as it pulls out from the grip of our memories. By doing so we can see why it got stuck or buried, what was lain atop it or caused it to be disregarded. We must walk that mysterious bridge half glimpsed for ourselves for only then will we become whole. It can be a painful and beautiful journey as we step back into ourselves, but we must not lose hope that these pieces are gone forever. They are us, they are our soul and we must not abandon them.
Many times we even feel that they are the property of others, that another made us feel that way. But by doing so we lose our power, it is our life and our feelings, they were just a trigger and it is within us to find it again.
For me music is often that bridge to the feeling. The music can transport you back to a painful or difficult moment and allow you to relive it once more. By doing so it allows us to re-integrate that part back into our current awareness. I have been recently listening to the Pixies (Where is my mind? and Monkey gone to heaven) and a few other songs that remind me of feelings I had felt were lost to me and learning how to make them my own once more. Stripping them of their negative associations and taking only the good back.

Learning to have faith

2011-12-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

Faith is one of those prickly topics. It is inextricably tied up with belief and by association with religion and spirituality.
It is a word used with scorn by skeptics and as a shield for those who lack the necessary evidence to have certainty in their views.
Never-the-less it is absolutely necessary to have this quality in ourselves and those we trust. Life is not a science experiment that can be measured, repeated and subject to peer review. There are far too many permutations in our daily lives that we can have absolute certainty in every action we do. We must take action every day, that much is a certainty. Even not acting has consequences that cannot be measured before time.
Faith is trusting in something even though there is not enough evidence to make it a certainty. Its opposite, doubt, is mistrusting because we lack the necessary evidence to make it a certainty. You can see they are exactly the same action but with either a negative or positive mindset attached.
Applying doubt or faith to an external source such as a human being or a belief system is a luxury that we have the option of not choosing. But this doesn't hold true for ourselves. We must all make choices in this imperfect system without the benefit of absolute certainty. Thus we are given the choice to have faith or doubt in ourselves that we will make the best choices for our lives.
Doubting oneself is a terrible burden, for with it carries guilt for every action that was not completed perfectly. For myself I have found that doubt has been at the root of many of my own personal recriminations. That I listened to the whispered voice of personal doubt, which makes feeling guilty so much easier. If I already doubt my choices to begin with, then guilt is so much easier to overlay.
Trusting oneself is what lays beneath this. Without trust in oneself, it is easy to doubt...then from there to accept guilt for our choices. Fostering the goodness within us, we learn to trust and from there to have faith in ourselves and our choices even in the face of having no certainties.
There are times when I have felt a certainty in my choices and then trusting myself becomes easier, times when I have felt totally attuned or a faultless sense of conviction in my actions. But these times are intermittent at best and you cannot live your life only from these moments. Doubts will assail us all, but only by having a faith in ourselves can we banish these imps back to the shadows.
Recently I have had reason to doubt myself and it has caused a cascade of doubt to run through my self and to cause cracks in the walls of my convictions. It was as simple as missing a call. Working part time at the healing centre means I am on call if someone should show up and need a treatment. I missed the call by 10 minutes because I chose to take a walk and return long after it would be possible to do anything about it. It is one of those silly situations you see in movies but minimized to almost triviality, where a character doubts themselves for some consequence they feel they could have prevented by making an earlier choice differently. I know that there is no way I could have known to stay in, yet still the doubt lingers. Unlike other situations there is no-one but myself making me feel guilty.
This guilt is made possible by my doubts. I don't doubt the bigger decisions in my life, the ones backed by righteousness, conviction or insight. I trust and have faith in my decisions on a larger scale. I know I am a good person and don't doubt I will make the right choice. It is the little everyday choices, the ones that have little or nothing resting upon them where doubt lives.
Another incident occurred recently during my snow shovelling job. It was my first day and there was a pretty heavy snowfall I had to clear. I was working with new colleagues and it was laborious and physically demanding work. At one point I ended up working with the maintenance supervisor to clear a pathway. He is not part of my work detail, but the building's head maintenance guy so I was unsure of my hierarchical position in regards to him. He asked me to clear a certain pathway and then came back later I get the feeling to "check-up" on me. I was clearing a section of pathway that had tiny rivulets running through it and he told me that I should shovel it with the rivulets, rather than across them. I had found it made no discernible difference, yet he continued throughout the day to make tiny observations about our equipment, how much we had cleared and the time taken. My instinctive reaction was that the guy is behaving like a jackass, but my own doubts stopped me from putting a stop to the comments.
These situations have a gravity of their own and after a multitude of minor hesitations on my part it all adds up to a major hesitation. The sense of independence, personal strength and integrity comes tumbling back down again. Realizing that a battle can be lost not through a major defeat but through steady attrition of faith in oneself makes it all the more important to stop the trickling losses.
So the question remains. How does one learn to have faith in oneself if you are prone to self-doubt? The answer lies in trust. Trusting that you will make the right choices, even if they do not occur reflexively at first. This unconsciously doing the right thing does not immediately occur as soon as you understand it. For most of us it requires time and patience, it requires making mistakes, trusting the wrong people and being taken advantage of at first. Not everyone has a hyperactive defense system and for me coming from the position of giving people the benefit of the doubt too much...of caring and not wanting to hurt unnecessarily, it means that a mistake is the cost of learning. Over time I will get better at it, I will see the danger in the grass before stepping. I will trust my inner knowing, that gut instinct and give it credence and eventually be able to put it immediately into play.