KUNG FU FOR BUNNIES

It Was 20 Years Ago Today

2013-04-25T20:24:00.000-06:00

This week, twenty years ago, I was packing up my house in Atlanta and loading it into a UHaul for the long trip to Albuquerque. Seven years earlier I had told New Mexico to kiss my ass, I'm outta hear. Obviously, I was wrong.

I loved Atlanta. It had cultural diversity, tons of activities and events. Professional sports (The Hawks don't count). We lived in a little house on a huge lot. There was a stream running at the bottom of the lot. We had a huge party deck. Life was good.

There were over 50 public golf courses in Atlanta. I loved getting up early and heading heading off to play a round. It was the best.

I didn't want to leave. I won't go into the details of why I left. But, next time I get married, I'm going to check is the umbilical cord is still attached to my bride.

The truck was packed up by the late afternoon and off we went. My son was strapped next to me in his car seat. He had his trucker hat on and a sippy cup. I couldn't have asked for a better copilot.

Two and a half days later, we arrived. I went from living here:

To living here:

I had moved to Bedrock.

To add to my happiness, I found out that the apartment my wife rented was around the corner from her parents' house. I had gone from living 2000 miles away from my in laws to living 2 blocks away. This presented an entirely new set of problems. My wife's family shares everything with each other. My family considers talking about the weather an invasion of privacy. It was a couple years before they figured out I wasn't going to share my salary, what I paid for my house, or whether I want ranch dressing on my salad.

That was alright. There was always golf. But I soon found out that golf courses in New Mexico are not nearly as nice as Georgia.

Once again I had a culture shock. I went from this:

To this:

I did feel like a much better about my game. Going from 1037 feet above sea level to 5000 feet makes a guy feel powerful. But, playing with the goats and jackrabbits grows old quick.

I decided to tour Route 66. The Mother Road. America's Main Street. The Will Rogers Highway. I emerge myself in a little Americana. I always remembered the photo of the road from when I was a kid.

Of course, when I went down there, I got this.

Tattoo shops, fiberglass statues and urban blight.

Business was booming, though. If you want some meth, a hooker or someone killed cheap. This is the place to go.

New Mexico does have it's high points. Number 1 in poverty level.
We're near the bottom in education; the very bottom on vocabulary scores. We rank near the top on DWIs and Crime Rates, also. Thank goodness for Mississippi and Louisiana, without them, we would be at the bottom of almost every list.

Twenty years ago, I lived in a city that looked like this

Today, I live up the street from this:

I've gone from the prom queen to her second cousin who "has a real nice personality."

I think think it's time for me to say,

Kiss my ass New Mexico! I'm outta here!

FUNNY DUMP NO. 37

2013-04-24T21:23:00.000-06:00

RED OR GREEN

NO. BUT I'D LIKE TO TRY

I WAS CAPTAIN O.S.H.A.

I LIKE TO CALL IT...TUESDAY

SKIN-A-RAMA
TECHNOLOGY AHEAD OF ITS TIME

I LOVE THESE BITCHES

...OR TAKE YOUR KID'S RITALIN BEFORE YOU WATCH IT.
IT TAKES ON A NEW SURREALISTIC MEANING

Fun and Joy with Erectile Dysfunction

2013-04-22T20:54:00.001-06:00

It is a well documented fact that I need constant supervision. When left to my own devices, disaster is eminent. My girlfriend went out of town for the weekend when I was in college. I woke up tattooed Saturday morning. The first weekend after my divorce, I put myself into a food coma by eating an entire bucket of KFC chicken, two big tubs of slaw, and an entire German chocolate cake. The fire department has rescued me. I've taken multiple trips to the emergency room. I've had more injuries on the golf course than I ever did on the football field.

My therapist has said many times that my major problem is the poor decisions I make.

With that said, it's time to share my latest poor decision.

There is a magical yellow pill called Cialis. Developed to solve male erectile dysfunction, it's a wonderful product. I give it my highest endorsement. However, take heed to my mistake and avoid similar pain and embarrassment.

I was heading out of town to visit my girlfriend during Thanksgiving. I was going to spend five glorious days and nights with her. I wanted things to be special, so when I was getting my annual checkup, I asked my doctor for a little something to "jump start the pogo stick." You know what I'm talking about: "Put a fire in the furnace," "Put some lead in the ol' pencil."

He was happy to help me.

Erectile Dysfunction medicine is very expensive. Without insurance it costs about $35 a pill. With insurance, it still costs $7.50. Dr. Baca gave me a prescription for 20mg. He told me that I should cut the pills in quarters of in half. I really only needed 5 to 10mg. He could save me money and make them last a lot longer.

I chose Cialis. I remembered their commercial with the couple sitting in the bathtubs overlooking beautiful sunsets. I wanted an experience like that. Plus, Viagra was endorsed by Bob Dole. I didn't want a republican erection.

I went to Walgreens and filled my prescription. They gave me five pills. I was ready for my trip.

My girlfriend picked me up at the airport. I discretely popped a pill on the way home. I was going to have a big surprise for her. I knew I was taking twice the dosage. But, what the heck. It would be a good kick start to my vacation.

Everyone concerned was pleased with the results of my medication. The next night, I went ahead and took another double dose. At this point things started going very wrong.

Cialis is known at the "Weekend Pill." It stays in your system for forty eight to seventy two hours.

So, at this point, I had taken 8 days worth of the wonder drug.

Each night, I'd pop my pill. On the third night, I wasn't feeling so well. By the fourth day, I was miserable.

Here is a list of the common side effects of Cialis:

1. Headache
2. Indigestion
3. Back Pain
4. Muscle Ache
5. Nasal Congestion
6. Flushing
7. Pain in the Lime

Except for nasal congestion, I was suffering from them all. I didn't look these important facts up until after I got home. So, I continued taking my medication for five days in a row.

I took 5 pills with twice the dosage I needed. I only need to take one pill total for the trip. So, by the time I left for home, I had over medicated myself by about 20 times.

The worst part of the side effects were back pain and muscle aches combined to lock me up. I could barely walk. When I left my gate was on the far side of the terminal. I shuffled and sweated for what seemed hours to get their. With my flushed face, I looked a crippled strawberry on holiday.

I was barely able to move for a week. Luckily, I'm pretty sedentary. No one noticed my problem. Eventually, I returned to normal and lumbered around with my normal aches and pains.

I have made many trips back. But, I decided to let nature take it's course and not rely on medical enhancements. It's less painful that way.

The lesson to take away from this is talk to your pharmacist when you pick up a new prescription. Don't be a horny dip shit. And, they need to make airport terminals shorter.

Our Childhood Destroyed

2013-04-22T19:38:00.000-06:00

I came across a website (www.chunkclothing.com) out of the UK. I laughed for hours looking at their designs. They have taken my childhood memories and completely destroyed and twisted them. Here is a small sampling of their genius.

POOH PORN

MUPPET SHOW AFTERHOURS

VADERING

DAMN THE MAN

VADER DON'T SURF

TRIBBLES!!

2013-04-15T16:34:00.001-06:00

Have your Tribble spayed or neutered.

Random Picture Dump No. 37

2013-04-14T19:22:00.002-06:00

Admit it. You were making the sounds in your head.

Stanley Kubrick's garden

Gun Nation

MY FRIES ARE GETTING COLD!!

...and eat maul anyone who tried to bring more than two pieces of carry on

....genius

Nothing to see here. Carry on

Dirty bikers are just weird.

...real genius

He had ONE job

Junior Bad Assery

2013-04-13T09:11:00.002-06:00

This reminds me of when I was a about ten and my dad took me out to a drilling rig he was doing a job on. Somehow, I ended up with a twelve pound sledge hammer breaking loose pipe fittings from a frac truck. After a few minutes of me flailing away, my dad's employees took the hammer away from me before I hurt myself and everyone around me. Some things never change.

Real men

2013-04-12T17:00:00.000-06:00

Oh, please give me a reason. I'm off my medication and extremely bored.

Uncle Rusty's Tips for Better Living

2013-04-12T10:45:00.001-06:00

1. Spend time with people who make you smile and avoid those who you feel pressured to impress.

Your friend’s dream might be impossible. Don’t tell them so, or you’ll be embarrassed when they prove you wrong.

Don’t change yourself to try and make someone love you. It will never last.

There are bridges to burn and bridges to cross. Wisdom is the ability to differentiate the two.

Embrace loneliness. If you’re lucky, you will learn to be your own best friend.

Stop buying things with money you don’t have to impress people you don’t know.

Don’t look for love. It will find you. There is someone out there who knows all about your flaws and shortcomings and still thinks you are amazing.

Everyone has issues. Life isn’t easy for anyone. We don’t know what others have gone through. Don’t judge, criticize or mock others. They’re fighting their own wars and slaying their own inner demons.

The best way to get back at your enemies is to be successful and happy. It’s the best revenge.

Stop trying to be cool. Focus on being yourself.

Embrace change. After the awkwardness and scary feelings pass, you will be better and bolder.

It wasn’t a value if it’s easily compromised. It’s only an opinion.

Be able to laugh at yourself.

The average man does not control his life. It takes great courage to actually control the direction your life takes.

Never let anyone criticize your close friends in front of you.

Sometimes creativity looks just like insanity.

Nietzche said, “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on, I can’t believe you.” Break a trust once, and it can take a lifetime to repair.

It costs nothing to be polite and grateful to the people you encounter every day. Be kind to both friends and strangers.

Standing up to your principles can be difficult. You can’t waver because your beliefs are not popular.

Identify your principles. They will get you through difficult times. Nelson Mandela was willing to be held captive for decades because of his principles. What sacrifices are your principles worth?

Learn to honestly love yourself. Love your strengths, accept your weaknesses. This can be the most difficult thing some people ever do. It can take a long time to accomplish. It can be painful. But, once you do, you will begin to be truly happy.

Never pass up an opportunity to eat bacon.

My apologies for the lack of humor. Sometimes I'm up at 3:00am and these thoughts come to my head and I can't sleep until they are on paper.

Funny Picture Dump No. 37

2013-04-10T20:06:00.002-06:00

Some things defy explanation

I think I'm in love

Reason no. 37 of why I am divorced

Sometimes I would teleport from my uncle's house to my bed. I was amazing.

They should send invitations to me with the following message:
We know you have no intentions of attending.
We sent you this as a courtesy.
Good luck. We will see you at the next family funeral.

My retirement plan

Public Service Announcement:
Jesus is tired of you using your religion as an excuse to be an asshole and a bigot.

Take me out to the ball game

2013-04-05T15:24:00.001-06:00

I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, the novels oof Susan Sontage are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe their ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening you presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

Picture pages.

2013-04-05T14:30:00.001-06:00

...and then, I ran out of bullets and the son of a bitch was still breathing

Baby Nerds

My Little Pony, Bitches.

Oh, Shut up. You know it's funny.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don't return,

they were probably dead poultry.

..and free checking.

Never cut line for the Teacup ride.

...meanwhile at the republican party.

I love history

2013-04-04T16:58:00.005-06:00

Tour de Walmart

2013-04-04T12:53:00.000-06:00

Unfortunately, my job takes me into Walmart about five hours a week. The hillbilly hell I have to endure is sometimes unbearable. A couple months ago, I was able to extract a little revenge against a couple local inbreeds.

I was walking through the hardware department. As I turned the corner, I almost get ran over by a booger faced boy on a Huffy Thrust Flex General Lee BMX bike. I grabbed the handle bars and stopped him from crashing into me. The kid gave me a cross eyed stare for a moment and pedaled off. I said nothing.

A few minutes later, I was in the automotive department checking out fuzzy dice. I looked up to see the little bastard flying around the corner and race past me. I said nothing.

Finally, I was walking along the back wall by the toy section. From four aisles away, I see the kid racing towards me again. I waited for him and blocked the aisle when he got close. I had had enough. I told the kid he needed to put the bike away and stop riding around the store. At that point, his mother appeared out of nowhere.

"Don't you tell my child what to do!" she yelled.

"Lady, your kid has almost hit me three times."

"I'm buying him a bike. I need to know if he likes it."

I replied, "He's going to get hurt, or hurt someone else."

Her face turned beat red with anger. "It's none of your business you fat ass."

I thought to myself. "Fat ass? That's the best she can do?"

I took a deep breath, counted to ten and said,"Listen you cretinous, slack jawed, buck toothed hillbilly slut. You’re only qualification for motherhood is a womb that happened to catch the sperm of a passing truck driver. Take your white trash scrotum faced, cross eyed progeny back to the god forsaken trailer park you crawled out of and watch Ducky Dynasty."

I walked away triumphantly as her head exploded from trying to process too many three syllable words.

Happiness and Sunshine

2013-03-28T12:32:00.000-06:00

FIfty Shades of WTF

2012-08-10T08:20:00.000-06:00

Boy oh boy. Things have certainly changed in the last year and a half. I've been out of romantic circulation. I relocated to Rancho Cucaracha for awhile and experienced a brief period of domestic bliss. But as we all know, Uncle Rusty found a way to foul things up.

I ended up loading up with my bobble heads and chopper magazines and headed back to the peaceful confines of Radiation Valley. I spent a couple months reestablishing my Mercenary/VCR Repair business. Sitting in the double wide, watching Dr. Phil every day got me motivated to start dating again. (BTW: What happened to Oprah?)

I set up a date with Katy O'Bryan Epstein. She goes to the same Irish synagogue I attend. Sometimes I need to get back in touch with my socio-religious culture steeped in more than 2000 years of Talmudic tradition.

A nice Irish-Jewish girl will be just the ticket to start dating again. We went to Outback. She had a kosher meal.and I had my usual Walk About Filet.

During the dinner conversation, Miss Epstein asked me if had heard about Fifty Shades of Grey. I thought we was talking about the Bulgarian underground economy. "Sure." I said.

"Are you into it."

I really have no opinion on it. But I didn't want to sound ignorant. "You bet." I replied

"Good. Let's go back to my place, then."

I figured she had a copy of The New Economist she wanted to share with me. I paid the bill and we headed back to her place.

Once she got back to her place she made me a margamarita. She said she'd just gotten some Cialis from the Canadian online pharmacy. I'm a big fan of recreational pharmaceuticals. I didn't know what it was. I assumed it was some sort of muscle relaxer or pain killer.

The alcohol did it's job and I got sleepy. She told me to go lie down in her room. Never being one to pass up a nap, I headed right in and snuggled up on the pillow.

I was awakened by the sound of thunder. Or, so I thought. I looked up and saw Miss Epstein dressed in a black vinyl dress, hip boots and long rubber gloves.

HOLY CRAP!! I started looking around the room. There was assorted whips, chains and ropes. She even had a paddle ball paddle. In the corner there was a cattle prod and a horse collar. What had I gotten myself into. I just knew I was going to be sacrificed in some sort of wicken ceremony.

"I thought you liked 50 Shades? Don't you like a little kink?"

"This is the new side of sex."

A new side of sex? What the hell. They've moved the good parts while I was away? I was getting very confused. Even more confused when I looked down at my crotch. How did that happen.

I started heading for the door. She zapped me with the cattle prod. "You have to choose a safe word."

"How about GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!"

I bolted for the door. She chased me onto the lawn with a medieval torture device.

I jumped into the trans am, hit the gas and threw rocks all over the Streamliner.

I through my Waylon Jennings tape in the 8 track. The words to I Don't Think Hank Done It This Way echoed through the night.

So true Waylon. So true.

Everything I need to know, I learned watching Groundhog Day

2012-07-16T17:31:00.000-06:00

Nineteen years ago, Bill Murray started in Groundhog Day. I is one of the most profound and life changing movies I have ever seen. It is the Mr. Smith Goes to Washington of Marmot movies. In 2006, the film was added to the United States National Registers for being culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant. Look it up. I'm not kidding.

After multiple viewing I finally realized the nexus of Director Harold Ramis and the great philosophers of western civilization.

Here is a sampling of the great lessons I've learned.

Trains don't swerve
Drunk is more fun
If your gonna shoot, aim high. You don't wanna hit the groundhog.
Don't drive angry
Go to the Virgin Islands. Meet someone. Eat lobster and drink pina colodas. At sunset, make love like sea otters. That'll be a pretty good day.
It's never too early for flapjacks.
Call me Ringo
Nancy owns a dress shop and makes noises like a chipmunk when she gets "real" excited.
Television failes to captures the true excitement of a squirrel predicting the weathers.
$339.88
I'm a god. Not THE God.
When Checkhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that it is just another step in the cycle of life. But being with friends and basking the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter.
Say a prayer and drink to world peace.

Namaste my friends.

A wonderful day in Radiation Valley

2012-06-27T21:05:00.006-06:00

Shut up Dwight

I'm up for it.

Where was this book last Friday?

I hope this explains it.

You know who you are. Suck it.

Yes. Sometimes it is.

Our nation's smallest state

I'm stealing your paper too.

In the words of the old country song:
She tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.

It's either the greatest halloween costume ever, or
an even greater baby sitting method.

Sometimes, you just need to build a pillow fort.

I though it was Frosted Flakes

Presented as a public service to all you ladies out there.

The hardest call I ever had to make

...and so goes internet dating

Picture Dump for Bunnies

2012-06-21T16:23:00.000-06:00

I MISS THOSE LITTLE CHATS WITH MOM.

HOW I FELT WHEN SHE BROKE UP WITH ME

OR TUCUMCARI

READY FOR MY NEXT ROUND OF INTERNET DATING

MR.KELTING WAS MORE REALISTIC THAN HE WAS INSPIRATIONAL

SHE WALKED INTO THE ROOM AND I FELL IN LOVE

ONE MORE YEAR UNTIL I'M OFFICIALLY MIDDLE AGED

POSSIBLY THE COOLEST SHOES EVER

TACO NIGHT ON THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE

OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! AAAAH!

SO TRUE

IT'S A CLASSY ESTABLISHMENT

MIKE KNOWS

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

NO MIDGETS WERE HARMED IN THIS MAKING OF THIS MOVIE

A CANDID SHOT OF THE POLICE ESCORTING ME AWAY FROM HER HOUSE

ANOTHER DAY OF AWESOME

2012-05-22T14:18:00.000-06:00

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

DADDY'S LITTLE BABY SITTER

SELF DEFENSE FOR DILL HOLES

IT'S PRINTED IN EVERY GOVERNMENT BREAK ROOM.

CONGRATULATIONS GRADUATES

YOU LOVE THE BAND. BUY THE TAPE.

SOMETIMES I LIKE TO DO IMPRESSIONS OF SNOOPY

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CONTEXT

BOB OSHMAN IS THE MAN

I'M NOT A ROCKET SURGEON. I'M A BRAIN SCIENTIST

LIVE TO RIDE. RIDE TO THE DINER

THIS EXPLAINS IT ALL

YOU WILL NEVER BE A COOL AS THIS GUY

2012-02-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

I came across this at Eatliver.com. This is a helpful piece of information for all you fathers of teenage girls.

Funny Stuff I Stole

2012-02-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

Super Bowl Entertainment Primer

2012-02-02T16:05:00.001-07:00

The Super Bowl has announced Madonna as the half time entertainment. I guess Mel Torme's corpse was not available.

For those of you too young to remember who Madonna is, I've prepared the following visual presentation.

This is a Crack Whore

This is Madonna

This is another Crack Whore

This is Madonna

This is Lady Gaga

This is Madonna

This is Jesus' Mom

This is Madonna

This is the Crypt Keeper

This is Madonna

The Massacre at Red River Rally

2012-02-01T22:46:00.000-07:00

Winter is upon us and my riding time is cut down due to the cold. My last ride was to go to the cycle shop in Albuquerque so Chuck and Joseph could pick up chaps. My usual “gay rodeo” comments were made and they were picking out their purchases. I only wish I had mine on during our ride home. I froze parts I didn’t know I had.

During these slow times, I get out the calendar and start deciding which motorcycle rallies to go to. I don’t know why I go it’s always the same. Bad bands, $50,000 bikes with 300 miles on them, 20 year old boobs on 50 year old women and leather vendors are ever present.

Some rallies are better than others. It is surprising, after my early experiences, that I attend at all.

Right after I started riding, I decided to take my bike up to the Red River Rally. Marlena was getting out of county lock up, so I dropped her a line and invited her to go with me. Since she’s been in jail for the last eighteen months, I sized up the possibilities of getting some action as slightly better than average.

I picked Marlena up Friday afternoon, right after the bus dropped her off in front of the county courthouse. She was a lovely sight. I noticed she had some new prison ink. The old English lettering across her throat was very stylish.

We headed north, ready for some fun and probation violations.

I was excited to go the local weatherman, Stuart Stuckerman was having a charity ride on Saturday morning It benefitted the Humane Society. Everybody who went on the ride received a free spaying or neutering. Since my health insurance was so bad, I was looking forward to gratis medical procedures.

My VTX purred as me made our way through the Sangre de Cristo Mountains. I had just bought upgraded the seats. The bike had more leather and metal studs than a gay porn. I had had problems with my exhaust, but so far so good.

We arrived in Red River. It’s a lovely little mining town about a mile and a half from city limit to city limit. I joined the row of bikes making our way through town at three miles an hour. Of course, I had to constantly rev my engine in a testosterone filled expression of manhood.

As I rode past a group of Bandidos, I hit the throttle, heard a “ping”, and turned my head to see my baffle shoot out of my exhaust toward the dozens of Bandido bikes parked on the curb.

It skipped across the asphault, bounding toward a Sportster like a Japanese torpedo. About half way there, the baffle hit a rock and changed it’s trajectory. It immediately headed for a pink flamed Road King parked on the corner. It leapt up, hit the fender and left a huge scar across the rear fender.

Suddenly a wave of women began heading towards me. I had damaged the bike of the Nutcrackers Riding and Tea Society’s president. Leading the pack was Big Sharon. She was a blonde WalMart version of Xena, Warrior Princess.

In my terror, I looked towards the Bandidos for help. They glanced back, shrugged their shoulders as if to say, “You’re on your own, buddy.”

The banshee like screams stunned me momentarily. The thing I knew, they began beating me to the ground. I curled into a fetal position as they began kicking me relentlessly. Eventually, they lost interest and began wandering off. I picked myself up, wiped the blood from my lip and proceeded to inform them that I’d had worse ass kickings from cowboys.

Their attention renewed, Sharon kneed me in gonads. The world went black, I dropped to the pavement and began dry heaving.

I finally gathered my composure and drug myself to my knees. My eyes focused enough to see Marlena riding off on the back of Sharon’s hog. She promptly gave me the finger and informed me she’d finally found a real man.

Happy Valentine's Day, Bitches

2012-01-30T21:03:00.000-07:00

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Another wonderful opportunity to screw things up.

Let's all celebrate the REAL way we feel about this freakin' holiday