KWENTONG BALAHURA

pera sa internet : Juan at NBI

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 03:27:00 +0000

Inimbitahan ng isang imbestigador sa opisina ng NBI si Juan na walang trabaho pero buhay milyonaryo. Dumating si Juan kasama ang kanyang abogado sa NBI.

Imbestigador: Juan, pinatawag ka namin dito dahil naghihinala kaming isa kang drug trafficker at lider ng isang sindikato dahil nakapagtatakang namumuhay kang milyonaryo gayong ikaw ay walang tinapos at walang trabaho. Gusto naming malaman kung paano ka kumikita ng milyong milyong pera.

Juan: Sir, sa legal pong paraan kong kinikita ang aking mga pera. Sa pamamagitan po ng pustahan ako po ay kumikita ng daang daang libong piso. Kung gusto nyo po patutunayan ko sa inyo. Dodoblehen ko po ang sampung libo ninyo kung makakagat ko ang aking kanang mata.

Imbestigador: Imposibleng makagat mo ang yong mata. Sige, call ako dyan.

Dinukot ni Juan ang kanyang pekeng mata sa kanan at kinagat. Nagulat naman ang imbestigador sa ginawa ni Juan.

Juan: Sir, dodoblehen ko po ang singkwenta mil ninyo kung pupusta kayong kaya kong kagatin ang aking kaliwang mata.

Imbestigador: Yan ang talagang imposible. Paano ka makakakita kung parehong peke ang dalawa mong mata. Call ako dyan!

Kinuha ni Juan ang kanyang pustiso at kinagat ang kaliwang mata. Mangingiyak ngiyak ang imbestigador sa ginawa ni Juan.

Juan: (Pumunta sa dulo ng dalawang metrong mesa ng imbestigador) Sir, dodoblehen ko po ang ang sandaang libo ninyo kung pupusta kayo na kaya kong umihi sa basurahan nyo na nasa kabilang dulo ng mesang ito mula rito sa kinatatayuan ko. Patutunayan ko sa inyo na di mababasa ng kahit isang patak ang mesa nyo.

Imbestigador: Pinatatawa mo ako, Juan. Iyan ang talagang imposible. Sigurado akong di ka na mananalo sa pustang yan. Kaya, call ako!

Umihi si Juan at dahil sa imposibleng abutin ng ihi niya ang basurahan sa kabilang dulo ng dalawang metrong mesa ay sinadya na lang nyang ihian ang mesa ng imbestigador. Napahalakhak ang imbestigador sa tuwa. Ngunit, tawa rin ng tawa si Juan.

Imbestigador: Eh bakit tawa ka pa nang tawa, eh talo ka na nga ng sandaang libo?

Juan: Sir, natutuwa po ako dahil nanalo po ako ng limang daang libong piso sa pustahan namin ng abogadong kasama ko. Nagpustahan po kami na ako ang mananalo kung kayo ay matutuwa kapag inihian ko ang mesa ninyo.

sipag at tyaga, galing at talino, si mama at si papa

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 06:44:00 +0000

Si mama at si papa
si ate at si bunso....at si pamangkin

wala yan noy ito sakin
Nakaligo ka naba sa dagat ng basura?
nasubukan mo naba magpasko sa kalsada
kaya ang tanung namin.... sinung mas gwapo sa amin..

Rules and Regulation Sa Isang Resort

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 08:19:00 +0000

Si MAnny Villar

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 12:51:00 +0000

Nakakickback ka na ba project nyang basura?
Lupa nya sa C5 ginawa nyang kalsada.
Yan ang tanong namin,Ang binulsa mo ba'y sa amin?
Nalaman mo na bang ninakawan ka nya?
Umiwas sa senado yan ang kanyang trabaho
At kanyang plano'y pagnakawan tayo
Si Villar sa utak ay mahirap.
si Villar sa pera lang ang malasakit.
Si Villar ang may kakayahan parang
komedyante ng ating bayan
Si Manny Villar ang magtatapos ng ating kabuhayan

Morenong Aktor at Mestisang Aktres, Nag-lock ang mga Ari Habang aanuhan

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 01:56:00 +0000

POSIBLE bang mag-LOCK ang ‘ALAM-N’YO-NA’ ng COUPLE na nagla-LOVEMAKING?
‘Yun kasi ang KUWENTUHAN sa E.R. ng isang HOSPITAL na NANGYARI sa MORENONG AKTOR at MESTISANG AKTRES. naiisip nyo naba kung sino?

Demo Ni Inday

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 11:42:00 +0000

this girl had nothing to do and she want to taste the statue oh ha.

Ako ay Pilipino

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 07:34:00 +0000

Ako ay Pilipino, Taas noo kahit kanino

Ano ba talaga ang pinoy??? Kung iisipin mo mabuti ay ang pinoy ay isang halo-halo na tao. May kaunting aeta, kaunting chinese, kaunting kastila, etc. etc.

Ang problema sa pinoy ay mayroong tinatawag na "Class RACISM".

Hinihiwalay ang tao sa A, B, C Or D.

Bato bato sa langit, tamaan huwag magalit.

Class A

Ang A ay yung mga lumang yaman. Mga apilido nila ay Ayala, Lopez, Soriano.

Nakapasok rin dito ang mga bagong yamang "chinese" tulad nina Concepcion, Tan, Gokongwei, Cojuangco. Hindi yan nagkokotse (natatakot na makidnap). Naka helicopter yan papunta sa opisina. Kung nakakotse (Range Rover o S class na Chedeng o 7 series na BMW) ay may bodyguard na kasama. Ang mga damit niyan ay mamahalin pero walang tatak na kilala ng karaniwang tao dahil sa Europa lang nabibili. Hindi na nila kailangang magyabang ng damit dahil alam na ng tao na mayaman sila. Ang mga anak nila ay nagaaral sa mamahaling eskwelahan sa Tate o UK. Ang problema lang sa mga ito ay kahit tinatawag nila ang sarili na Pinoy, ang mga TAI PAN ay hindi pumapayag na magasawa ang mga anak nila sa mga hindi chinese.

Maraming mga T.H. na gustong sumama dito, karaniwan ay mga pulitiko,crony, artista, ibang balikbayan (na dahil galing lang tate ay akala mo na kung sino, burgis. Mga class B lang ang mga yan kahit na may pera.

Class B

Mahilig ang Class B sa mga damit na mamahalin at may pangalan na nakatatak sa malalaking letra tulad ng POLO o di kaya ay DKNY o yung maliit na buhaya sa dibdib. Ang gusto nila sa sapatos ay yung may pangalan din tulad ng GUCCI o FERRAGAMO o COLE-HAAN. Mahilig silang maglakad na may nakakabit na telepono sa sinturon para masabing importante daw sila o may kaya sila.

Mahilig gumimick ang mga class B dahil hindi sila natatakot lumabas at makidnap. Makikita ang mga yan sa d FORT o di kaya sa Makati ave sa mga gara nilang sasakyan na galing sa Hapon o Alemanya. Mahilig sila sa Kape

Na napakamahal. Hindi uubra diyan ang Great Taste o Nescafe. Karaniwan ay ang mga anak nila ay nasa tinatawag na "exclusive schools", kung bakit ganyan ang tawag ay hindi ko alam. Exclusive kanino—sa may pera siyempre.

TAG Heuer ang relos na pinipili nito, Kung mas may kaya ay Rolex or Cartier. Mahilig ang mga yan na magsalita ng ingles, kahit kausap nila ang tindera sa Shoemart (kung magpapakita sila na pumupunta sila sa loob ng tindahan na ito na para sa Class C).

Class C

Ang Class C ay ang mga karaniwang tao, hindi naman squatter pero hindi kayang magaksaya ng pera sa mga katarantaduhan tulad ng cerveza na imported,telepono na nadadala (cell phone ika nga), damit na may tatak. Maswerte na ang C kung may kotse sila, minsan nakakabili ng gamit na gawang Hapon o kung may tulong galing sa isang kamaganak sa tate ay bagong gawang hapon na kotse.Hindi kaya ng C ang kotseng galing Europa o yung mga tinatawag na SUV.

Ang mga damit naming may pangalan ay galing sa Divisoria (ie:PEKE) at Tiangge ng Greenhills at hindi sa Makati o Hong Kong. Mahilig rin gumimick ang mga taga C, pa sine sine, manood ng concert, kumain sa Jolibee, pumunta sa beerhouse. Masyadong mahal yung mga d FORt para sa kanya. Timex/ Casio/ Seiko ang kayang bilhin na relos.

Maraming C gustong maging B. Hindi na nila inaasam na maging A dahil alam nilang imposible ito (kahit manalo sa lotto).

Class D

Ang pinakamalaki ay ang Class D. Dito nangampanya si ERAP nung eleksyon kaya nanalo. Yan ay si Juan dela Cruz sa kalye na isang kahig isang tuka. Sila ang naaapi, at mas lalong nahihirap dahil sa systema ng gobyerno natin na "patronage system"

Kahit sumigaw tayo hanggang mapaos ay walang mangyayari sa gobyerno natin. Masyadong nasisilaw sa pera ang tao, kahit maganda ang intensyon niya sa pagpasok sa Gobyerno. Hindi ko masasabi na hindi rin ako magbabago kung naging senador o congressman ako (panaginip).

Ano ang solusyon???--- Hindi ko alam. Ang magagawa ko lang ay ang pagrespeto sa lahat ng tao kesa ABC o D ka. Wala akong pakialam kung anak ka ng senador na nagaaral sa Ateneo o batang kalye.

Respeto lang sa isa’t isa kababayan. Wala nang patawag tawag na "baduy" ang isang tao o "walang class".

Ano rin ang moral lesson ? Huwag nang magpaka-trying hard sa pag-a-attempt na maka-angat ka ng class level . Hindi mo kailangang mag-pa-impress kahit kanino . Ma-o-obvious ka lang at chipipay pa ng dating mo ..

Hindi makukuha ang kaligayahan depende sa impresyon ng society sa iyo. Magpaka-simple ka at kung san’ ka masaya dun’ ka .... yang mga tunay na kaibigan mo - yan ang yaman mo - higit sa lahat , yung relasyon mo sa nasa itaas ... yan ang pinaka-importante ...tumpak!

IMELDA MARCOS' PRAYER

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 00:19:00 +0000

Armani,

Which art in Hermes,

Hallowed be thy Gucci.

Thy Cartier watch,

Thy Prada bag,

On Rodeo,

As it is in Tiffany's.

Give us this day, our Visa Titanium

And forgive us this overdraft,

As we forgive those who decline our

Mastercard.

Lead us not into JC Penney,

And deliver us from Sears.

For thine is the Chanel, the

Gaultier, and the Versace,

For Dolce and Gabbana...

Amex.

WHAT HUSBANDS REALLY MEAN

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 00:13:00 +0000

When you say: "Ako ang tigas sa amin."

You really mean: "Ako ang tigas-saing ng kanin,

tigas-sampay ng labada at tigas-sundo sa eskuwela ng mga bata."

When you say: "Gagawin ko kahit ayaw ng misis ko."

You really mean: "Gagawin kong maghugas ng pinggan

kung ayaw niya, gagawin kong maglaba kung ayaw niya."

When you say: "Kapag sinabi kong hiwalay, HIWALAY!"

You really mean: "Hiniwalay ko na ang puti sa de-kolor

at baka kumupas ang labada."

When you say: "Lahat ng utos ko ay pasigaw."

You really mean: "Hoy bilisan mo naman iyang kape at

giniginaw na ako dito sa labahan!"

When you say: "Ako ang laging nasusunod!"

You really mean: "Oo, dear susunod na ako sa iyo sa palengke."

When you say: "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang salita!"

You really mean: "Honey, huwag mo na akong batukan at masakit!"

When you say: "Inaabot siya sa akin ng mura!"

You really mean: "'Ling naman, mura lang naman iyong

sapatos na bibilhin ko!"

When you say: "Kaya ko siyang paluhurin!"

You really mean: "Paluhod niyang sinabing 'Hoy duwag,

lumabas ka riyan sa ilalim ng kama kungdi tatamaan ka sa akin!'"

When you say: "Hindi niya ako kayang pagplantsahin!"

You really mean: "Hindi pwede kasi hindi pa ako tapos maglaba."

Isolated Camp

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 00:52:00 +0000

Isang U.S. Major ang na-stationed sa isolated na Kampo sa Iraq. Kinabukasan, habang may ispection, napansin ng Major ang isang camel na nakatali sa likuran ng Barracks. Nagtanong siya sa Sergeant kung bakit may alagang camel sa Kampo.

SGT: Major, dito sa kampo, masyadong malayo ang bayan kaya't kung sinuman ang gustong makatikim ng ligaya, nandito naman ang camel.

Major: Bawal mag alaga ng hayop dito sa Kampo pero kung para sa 'morale' ng mga Troops, it's okey with me.

Makalipas ang anim na buwan, hindi na makatiis ang Major kaya't tinawag ang Sarhento.

Major: Dalhin mo dito sa tent ang camel. Walang nagawa ang Sarhento kaya't dinala ang camel sa loob ng tent. Makalipas ang 15 minutes, lumabas ang Major na nakangiti.

Major: Sergeant, ganito ba ang ginagawa ng mga Troops pag nalulungkot sila?

Sergeant: Hindi po Sir, sinasakyan nila ang camel papunta sa bayan para makahanap ng mga babae

Man enters his favorite restaurant

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 07:39:00 +0000

A man enters his favorite restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her thinking that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying, “This is from the gentleman over there.” She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. The note reads: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants.” The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her that read: “Just so you know, I have a Ferrari Testarossa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over $25 million in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK.”

The bartender

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 01:18:00 +0000

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive

voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom

The Engineers

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:36:00 +0000

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."

10 embarassing moments

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:16:00 +0000

10. masakit ang tyan at hindi na inabot ang cr

9.umakbay ka sa ibang tao na kalo mo friend mo

8.nagulat ka pero walang nagulat

7. nagjoke ka sa madaming tao pero walang natawa

6.panay salita mo wala ka na palang kausap

5.pag na nkikitawa ka sa mga magfriends na nagjojoke sa jeep. Feeling close.

4. feel na feel mo na ikaw ang kausap, yun nasa likod mo pala

3. bihis na bihis ka na. hindi ka pala kasama

2. lumobo sipon sa sobrang tawa

1. tapos sininghot mo pabalik imbes na punasan!!!

Pasalubong

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:27:00 +0000

May isang pilipinang nanay na namatay sa Amerika dahil sa heart attack. Pagdating nang bangkay sa Pilipinas ay napansin ng mga anak nito na ang mukha at katawan ng inay nila ay dikit na dikit na sa salamin ng kabaong. Sabi tuloy ng isa, "Ay tingnan mo yan, hindi sila marunong mag-asikaso ng patay sa Amerika". Nang biniksan nila ang coffin, may napansin silang sulat sa ibabaw ng dibdib ng kanilang inay. Mula ito sa kanilang kapatid na bababe na nakatira sa Amerika. Dahan-dahang kinuha at nanginginig na binuksan ni Kuya ang sulat at binasa sa buong pamilya:

"Mahal Kong mga Kapatid,

Hayan na si Inay! Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang inay sa pag-uwi diyan sa Pilipinas sa dahilan na napakamahal ng pamasahe. Anyway, pinadala ko kasama ni inay ang:

- dalawampu't apat na karne norte na nasa likod ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo.

- anim na bagong labas na Adidas Rubber shoes...isa suot-suot ni Inay... ang lima nasa ulunan ni Inay...isa-isa na kayo riyan.

- iba't ibang klaseng tsokolate, nasa puwit ni Inay...yan na lang ang ipasalubong nyo dun sa mga taga-barangay natin...

- anim na Ralph Lauren na t-shirts suot-suot ni Inay...para sa iyo, Kuya, at isa-isa ang mga pamangkin ko.

- isang dosenang Wonderbra na gustong-gusto ninyo, mga kapatid ko, suot-suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo riyan.

- dalawang dosenang Victoria Secret na panties na inaasam-asam ninyo, suot-suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na rin kayo, Ate.

- walong Dockers na pantalon suot-suot din ni Nanay. Subukan nyong ibenta dyan. Kapag mabili ay magpapadala pa ako.

ang Rolex na hinahabilin mo, Kuya, eh suot-suot din ni Inay.

- ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas na gustong-gusto mo, Ate, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na.

Bahala na kayo kay Inay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya dito. Balitaan niyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing.

Ang Nagmamahal ninyong kapatid,Nene

P.S. Pakibihisan na lang si Inay pagkatapos..."

Sintomas ng mga Sobrang adik sa Chat

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 00:20:00 +0000

Sintomas ng mga Sobrang adik sa Chat

1. pasmado ang kamay

2. ulcer

3. lumulobong eyebags

4. warak na warak na bladder

5. tumatawa kahit walang tao

6. nagsasalita kahit walang tao

7. kinikilig habang tumitipa sa keyboard

8. nagkwekwento na gumagalaw ang daliri kahit walang keyboard

9. delingkwente sa trabaho at eskwela

10. lumiligaya ng sekswal kahit hindi nahihipo (psst... mga nagsa-cyber diyan..lol.)

11. kapag naiinis..parang gusto mag .(dot) kill

12. Walang kaibigan na me pangalang normal...

13. Hindi na kilala ng pamilya...

14. nanginginig kapag nalalayo sa computer

15. madalas manigas ang daliri

16. Inaatake ng kung anu-anong sakit kapag nasisira ang modem/down ang ISP

17. Kapag nakakarinig ng paulit ulit na nagsasalita na tao ang isinisigaw eh "stop flooding"

18. Ayaw ng maglunch pag nakaumpisang magchat

19. Overstay sa office instead of overtime.

20. ASL pa rin ang tanong pag nakikipagkilala in person.

21. BRB pa rin ang sinasabi sa teacher o sa Boss kung pupunta sa CR..

face-lift for his birthday

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 05:06:00 +0000

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

What english movies u should not translate in tagalog

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 00:38:00 +0000

1. Black Hawk Down - Ibong Maitim sa Ibaba
2. Dead Man's Chest - Dodo ng Taong Patay

3. I Know What You Did Last Summer - Uyy... Aminin!

4. Love, Actually - Sa Totoo Lang, Pag-ibig

5. Million Dollar Baby - 50 Milyong Pisong Sanggol (depende sa exchange

rate)

6. The Blair Witch Project - Ang Proyekto ng Bruhang si Blair

7. Mary Poppins - Si Mariang May Putok

8. Snakes on a Plane - Nag-ahasan sa Ere

9. The Postman Always Rings Twice - Ang Kartero Kapag Dumutdot Laging

Dalawang Beses

10. Sum of All Fears - Takot Mo, Takot Ko, Takot Nating Lahat

11. Swordfish - Talakitok

12. Pretty Woman - Ganda ng Lola Mo

13. Robin Hood, Men in Tights - Si Robin Hood at Ang Mga Felix Bakat

14. Four Weddings and a Funeral - Kahit Apat na Beses ka Pang Magpakasal,

Mamamatay Ka Rin

15. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly - Ako, Ikaw, Kayong Lahat

16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone - Adik si Harry, Tumira ng Shabu

17. Click - Isang Pindot Ka Lang

18. Brokeback Mountain - May Nawasak sa Likod ng Bundok ng Tralala

/Bumigay sa Bundok

19. The Day of the Dead - Undas

20. Waterworld – Pista ng San Juan

21. There's Something About Mary - May K'wan sa Ano ni Maria

22. Employee of the Month - Ang Sipsip

23. Resident Evil - Ang Biyenan

24. Kill Bill - Kilitiin sa Bilbil

25. The Grudge - Lintik lang ang Walang Ganti

26. Nightmare Before Christmas - Binangungot sa Noche Buena

27. Never Been Kissed - Pangit Kasi

28. Gone in 60 Seconds - 1 Round Lang, Tulog

29. The Fast and the Furious - Ang Bitin, Galit

30. Too Fast, Too Furious - Kapag Sobrang Bitin, Sobrang Galit

31. Dude, Where's My Car - Dong, Anong Level Ulit Tayo Nag-park?

32. Beauty and the Beast - Ang Asawa ko at ang Nanay Nya

33. The Lord of the Rings - Ang Alahero

34. Die Hard - Hindi Mamatay-matay

35. Die Hard, With A Vengeance - Hindi Na Mamatay-matay, Nag-higanti Pa

35. Lost In Space - Mga Tangang Naligaw sa Kalawakan

36. Paycheck - Sweldo

37. What Lies Beneath - Ang Pagsisinungaling sa Ilalim

38. Superman, The Return - Si Superman Bumalik, Naiwanan Ang Brief

39. Cinderella Man - Bading si Cinderella

40. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Nag-trabaho si Charlie sa Goya

41. Blade Runner - Magnanakaw ng Labaha

42. Schindler's List - Mga May Utang kay Schindler

43. Men In Black - Mga Lalaking Namatayan

44. X-Men, The Last Stand - Mga Dating Lalaki, Huling Tinayuan

45. Wedding Crashers - Mga Bwiset sa Kasal

46. The Day After Tomorrow - Sa Makalawa

47. Three Men and a Baby - Ang Tatlong Yayo

48. Catch Me If You Can - Habulin Mo 'Ko

49. A Bug's Life - Ang Buhay ng Isang Surot

50. Die Another Day - Mamatay Ka Uli Bukas

51. The Rock - Ang Shabu

52. Jaws - Panga

53. Back to the Future - Sa Likod ng Hinaharap

54. In the Line of Fire - Tumulay ka sa Alambreng may Apoy

55. Saturday Night Fever - Sabado ng Gabi, may Trangkaso

56. Stepmom - Tapakan si Inang

57. Brother Bear - Kuya Oso

58. Police Academy - Paaralan ng Mga Buwaya

59. The English Patient - Ang Pasyenteng Inglesera

60. Man on Fire - Nasusunog na Mama

61. The Horse Whisperer - Ang Tsismoso ng mga Kabayo

62. Dante's Peak - Ang Bumbunan ni Dante

63. Legends of the Fall - Ang Kasaysayan ng mga Lampa

64. The Forgotten - Ewan

Unzipped In the wrong way

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 01:23:00 +0000

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a very tight skirt was waiting for the bus. As the bus rolled up, she queued with the rest of the passengers at the bus stop. When it was her turn, she realized that her skirt was way too tight for her to take the first step of the bus comfortably—so slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. But she couldn’t, the skirt was still too tight. So, a little more embarrassed, she again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. Still she couldn’t step up to the platform.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped her offending skirt to give more slack. About this time, the big guy behind her grabbed her by the waist and raised her all the way to the aisle of the bus. The lady, taken by surprise, screamed at the bloke. “How dare you touch me! I don’t even know who you are, you pervert!” she shouted. The big guy answered: “Ma’am, I can’t really say if I know you either. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I thought we had something going!”

A Pinoy, German and Pakistani

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 10:03:00 +0000

A Pinoy, German and Pakistani get arrested in Saudi for drinking and were sentenced to get 20 lashes. Before getting whipped, the law enforcement’s top brass announces: “It’s my wife’s birthday and she asked me to allow you a wish.” The German said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” His wish is granted but the pillow only lasts 10 lashes. He’s carried away bleeding. The Pakistani’s next. He requests two pillows on his back. It lasted only 15 lashes, the guy’s sent away whimpering. The Pinoy’s up. Before he could say anything, the coppers said to him: “You are from a beautiful country. For this, you get two wishes!” The Pinoy says, “In recognition to your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honorable man, you’re also very brave,” the top law men replied. “If that’s what you desire, so be it. What’s your second wish?” the Pinoy smiles and says, “Tie the Pakistani to my back.”

Paid For 800 bucks

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 00:09:00 +0000

man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!"

Praying for 10 pesos

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 08:37:00 +0000

Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na nanalangin sa Diyos.

Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung piso dahil gutom na gutom na lang po ako."

Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang habag ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi: "Amang, narinig ng Diyos ang panalangin mo at heto tanggapin mo ang perang ito at ibili mo ng pagkain".

Tumingala ang bata sa pulis, kinuha nya ang limang pisong iniabot at muling yumuko para manalangin: "Panginoon, salamat po sa pagdinig ninyo sa aking panalangin, pero sana naman po sa uli-uli wag na ninyong pararaanin pa sa pulis, kasi malaki na ang bawas".

The Taxi driver and the Nun

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 06:14:00 +0000

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY

handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and

have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just

about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I

would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be

single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,

"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm

Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween

party."

Iba ang Pinoy

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 08:05:00 +0000

PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico ".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Joke
Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in the Philippines ?

A. In the U.S. they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to the U.S.

3 Beginner Computer Tips That Are Often Neglected

noreply@blogger.com (leevogue) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 03:42:00 +0000

To get more out of your computing, you don’t really need newer equipment or fancier software packages. To do your computer work faster, there’s not always a lot of sense in going out and buying more RAM or a new CPU. All you have to do is become a better user. After all, a good plumber doesn’t blame his tools.

Being a better computer user doesn’t require you to sign up for course at college or to read those huge books that geeks have on their desks. Truth is, we don’t read them either. We just refer to them every now and again when you stump us with a question.

Being a better computer user just takes a willingness to learn and to try. Here are a few computer tips for the beginner that should help you immediately.

1. Learn to Use Your Keyboard

Since PCs with a mouse attached were introduced, almost every user has become dependent on it. It seems like a good idea, but don’t you hate it when it dies, or gets clogged, or the right-click gets worn out? I know I do.

Learning how to type and use your keyboard shortcuts will help you to avoid the mouse. Remember, the keyboard was invented before the mouse, so everything you can do with your mouse, you can do with the keyboard.

There are plenty of freeware programs available for learning how to type, we mentioned several of them in our recently published productivity guide. It just takes patience and practice to master typing. When I started, I was a hunt-and-peck typer and now I can type almost anything without looking at the keyboard – which drives my wife nuts as I type and “listen” to her. She really hates it when I transcribe what she just told me. I don’t recommend doing that, guys.

Keyboard shortcuts are awesome. Possibly the biggest time saver is the Tab key. It might say Tab on it or it might have two arrows – one pointing right and one pointing left. What the Tab key allows you to do is to move your cursor from field to field. This is especially time-saving when going through a form. Try it, just hit the Tab key a few times to see where the focus ends up. You’ll see a dashed line around whatever you tabbed to, or a blinking cursor if it’s in a text field. If you go one field too far, hold down your Shift key and then hit the Tab key once to go back one element. I use these shortcuts all the time when the batteries in my mouse are dead.

You can get printable shortcuts for Windows, Mac OS X, Firefox, Gmail and several other programs by subscribing to our RSS feed. Look for MakeUseOf Downloads link.

2. Be Picky With Software

How many toolbars do you have on your web browser? Do you have toolbars from Google, Yahoo, MSN, Ask, and more? Just pick one – all the others do pretty much the same thing and just get in the way.

How did you end up with so many toolbars? Chances are you downloaded and installed something and didn’t read about the fact that the free software was going to install a toolbar as well. In the military, we had an initialization known as RTFQ – the G-rated version is Read The Full Question.

How much software do you need on your computer? Allow me to ask this another way. Do you put every scrap of paper that goes through your hands into your filing cabinet? If you did, how soon would it take for the filing cabinet to burst, leaving you to curl up in the fetal position wondering where your birth certificate went.

Same thing happens with your computer when you add every little piece of software you see to your computer. Be picky. If you aren’t going to use that software at least once a week – you probably don’t need it on your computer. If you haven’t used a piece of software in a few months, think about uninstalling it. Check out some uninstallers from Stefan’s post.

3. Find a Way To Get Organized

Carrying on with the file cabinet analogy, you also need to get your computer organized. I’m sure you’ve seen those computer desktops with a bajillion shortcuts on it. That’s no better than leaving papers all over your office. There’s a reason geek-speak calls them files and folders. Treat them like their real world companions and they will be easier to find, work with, and be more secure all at the same time.

For organizing your desktop, I recommend Fences by StarDock. It’s like setting up work-zones on your computer desktop and keeps it from getting cluttered. I’ve even seen people do this with their real desktops – setting up folders or taping off areas for specific ongoing projects to sit in. It can work, but you need to be vigilant. Entropy is a universal force – it cannot be overcome. But Fences sure can help!

Working on these three areas can only lead to a more productive day, with less effort and confusion. That means a lot less stress for you! And that’s a good thing.