L²'s Point of View

It Is But A Word...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 02:42:00 +0000

It is but a word...and yet it means more the all the books of the world. People live for it, some have died for it. Many dream of it and those lucky enough get to experience it. It's utterance can move the greatest of mountains, cross the vastest sea, make the weak strong, and the strong as though invincible.

It is but a word...but has the power of a screaming freight train. It can caress with the gentleness of a feather, or crush with the force of a sledge hammer. When spoken, it lights the room in shimmering hues, when thought of, it brings light to the heart.

Oh, how I hunger for the sustenance of it's feast, to drink deep the wine of it meaning and be intoxicated by the one from whom it flows. To bask in the sunshine of it's radiance, so warmed by it's truth that I'm at peace to my core.

But when it is gone, oh how sharp is that blade! Cutting and slicing with such unconcerned strokes. A hunger never satisfied, for once tasted all pale in compare, and thirst, like the dust of the desert, cakes the once thrumming heart.

Love...it is but a word...

Disappearing Act...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 01:32:00 +0000

For those of you who follow this blog and are also my 'friend' on Facebook, you may have noticed my absence...as in, "hey, where did Lynn go...did he un-friend me?" absence. The answer is, no, I did not un-friend you, I deactivated my account for a while as I attempt to deal with some internal Lynn issues. Hence some of the posts of late here.

I use this blog as a way of sounding out where I am and what I am feeling and it helps me to find perspective as well as a vent. For those of you who have replied to me privately expressing your concern and camaraderie, I thank you and appreciate you greatly. For those of you who are now saying to yourself, "You aren't on Facebook? I didn't notice..." Rest assured, I noticed.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled activities...

We Are The Ones Laying The Track...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 13:01:00 +0000

Recently I shared some thoughts with a person who I have counted as a friend. I say that in the way I said it because it is what it is and if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and leaves you down, then it's a duck! Anyway, I digress...so I shared some thoughts and I expressed that in some aspects of my life I thought that perhaps I was seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Their response was that of the proverbial warning, "...it might be the light of an oncoming train...", to which I replied that sometimes trains can take you to good places too.

I have thought a lot about this in recent days. See, I have been feeling a bit down of late. Partly because my pain level has for some reason, been off the scale, partly because of other things in my life, and partly because of recent events where I have lost a friend and felt equal parts powerless to have stopped it and wondering if there was anything I should have done that might have prevented it. Regardless of the of the 'would of, could of, should of' factors, I have been quite sad...not depressed...but perhaps discouraged is a better description. Discouraged from within and also from without.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yeah...trains...light...tunnels...thoughts...so it struck me interesting that today, the birthday of one Oliver Wendell Holmes, I should be assuaged (in both meanings of the word) by some of his sage wisdom. To list but a few:

"Consciously or unconsciously we all strive to make the kind of a world we like."

"The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions."

"It's faith in something and enthusiasm for something that makes life worth living."

Each of these struck a chord within me and set me to thinking again about the oncoming train analogy, but with the added thought that, even if there is an "oncoming train", are we not the ones laying the track that determines where and how said train will impact our lives?

Ok, granted, there are always going to be events and issues that are beyond our control. That said, I think that way too often we make decisions and choices that set our lives on a particular course, then we turn around, look at the aftermath of those decisions and choices and blame it on some uncontrollable engine of fate. True, we cannot change the past, but we can change the course of our future.

Yes, we do have to live 'one day at a time', but if in that day by day life we lay tracks away from a possible destination, do we really have anyone to blame for the end result but ourselves? All I can do is all I can do, but what you do is on you. So, I will continue to feel what I feel and think what I think and want what I want with the hopes that my train will arrive at the station of my dreams. If I end up there alone, then at least I will have arrived there by choice and not by the lack thereof.

What "world" are you striving for? What "exceptions" are you willing to make? What makes your life "worth living"? Great questions...but remember, we are the ones laying track, so let's go together.

The Abyss...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 14:37:00 +0000

I know it is nothing unique or new...in fact I am sure that most of us experience it more often in our lives than we care to recount, but sometimes it seems so unique and so intense as to make one think it is a new and undiscovered emotion.

It is so intense than your chest aches and it feels as if every fiber of your body it drawn tight at once. As if
to pull you into a ball so small that perhaps you would evade it's waves of invasion. Your hands seek some kind of comfort...something, someone...to make it lessen the oppressiveness of it's deadening blanket.

To call it sadness would be like calling the ocean a wet spot on the world...it goes so far beyond mere sadness...it is a sorrow so deep that it threatens to devour you from the very core of your being. It seems so dark, yet it is not malevolent...it simply is what it is...an emotion that needs.

It comes from missing what you cannot have...from having what you do not want...from the seeing that you have failed and because of that, others have been let down...from the realization of chances missed and roads stretching behind that could have been. If I pretend it is not there, I merely enrage it so as to make the cloud a thunderstorm. It has to be faced, embraced, acknowledged and expressed, otherwise it will kill from the inside out.

If only tears were enough...

On The Porch With The Pup...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 14:18:00 +0000

I love mornings like this morning! Cool, crisp, and vibrant...not that it started that way. No, it started warm and snuggled in my bed, dreaming about things I love to dream about...then comes the [poke poke] in the back...and the sounds of paws pushing at the crate door. Then I hear the voice attached to the [pokes] saying, "I think she needs to go out..."

Now, just being honest, my first thought was....well, I can't say what they were but suffice to say I was less than excited about getting up at that point. Hindsight though, I am glad I did.

Snickers and I went out, the sun just coming up over the rooftops to the east, and after she completed her "business" we sat on the porch and just relaxed...me with my coffee, her with her ever present curiosity.

Beautiful!

I Have Held The Rose

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 15:10:00 +0000

In life's garden where flowers abound,
Where the scent of that bouquet brings fragrant light,
There grows a flower that defies compare.

It's downy petals, so beautiful and full,
Soft to the hand, yet firm to the lips,
Destined to be cherished and deserving of love.

The breath of it's aroma, so rich and alluring,
Is to be nestled in a blanket of velvety warmth.
Feel it's comfort and be wrapped in it's beauty everlasting.

I have held the rose...for this, I am forever grateful.

I Lost A Friend...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 04:44:00 +0000

It is so hard to process...like trying to solve a critical equation without all the variables...I keep thinking there must be some answer...something that will make it make sense, but none is there...

How can I make sense of this? How can I make it fit into a box that I can deal with? But the truth is, when this happens to someone you know, there is no fitting it into a box or any way of truly grasping what they thought or felt or valued...it is the open wound that refuses to heal, the pain that can not be managed, the hurting scream that cannot be squelched.

I have lost a friend, or was it I who got lost and forgot to be your friend? A wise man told me, "Never underestimate the impact of a caring friend and the words they may speak." I didn't know how much pain you were in my friend...I didn't see where you were and how it was hurting you. There is a part of me that wonders if I could have done more...I am filled with such overwhelming sadness and it has no vent.

You will be missed...you will be morned...you will be thought of...you will be cried over...but most of all you will be remembered. Not for the events that were the end of your life, but for the person who was kind, gentle, caring, giving, mentoring, loving, passionate, determined, brilliant, and, most of all, a friend.

To say that I have been impacted by this is an understatement of epic proportions. I could never and would never be so presumptuous as to propose that I understand what was behind the action you felt you must take. I understand what it is to feel trapped and feel like there is no way out. I even know how it feels to believe you may have found the way out only to have the door shut in my face...the sadness and the dispare that comes from dreams shattered and hopes reduced to resignation.

I know how hard it has been for me to endure since then. To wear the face of optimism even as dispare screams it's primal rage from within. I know what it is to endure the constant barrage of pain and gut wrenching agony of physical distress, while wanting to still be a help to others.

I also know the loss, that overwhelming sense of aloneness, when those who you call friends fade from your life and leave you behind...but none of these helped me help you.

...I've lost a friend...farewell Bryan.

Contrails of Life

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 00:40:00 +0000

I love going out for a nice evening walk when it is cold and the skies are clear. I heard that familiar distant rumble that told me that there would be lines in the sky to be found. Looking up I saw the glint of the hurdling craft...beautiful white lines trailing from behind. At first fine and tight, but as they are left behind they begin to billow and fade...the source of their original fire having moved on.

Born from the condensing moisture brought to life withing the fiery energy of the jet engine, the contrail, in all it's beauty, is but a reminder of the heat and life that has since departed.

We all have contrails in our lives...billowy reminders of those things that have at one time burned with such heat and passion, only to see them either burn out or move on without us.

Whether it is a personal goal or relationships past and present, contrails are always there. How do we avoid the contrails of life? We can stay up with the source of that fire...hang on tight and never let go.

I have such goals and plans for this year...and as much as I love contrails in the sky, I hope to have few in my life this year...

Memories That Yet Live On...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 18:51:00 +0000

It was 81 years ago today, that my mom was born in Houston Texas. It truly is amazing to think of all the incredible things that she saw happen in her lifetime. Born at the beginning of what would be known as the "Great Depression", she saw things happen that in hindsight would boggle the mind.

She was a great mom in every way. She never lost faith in us kids, even when our actions were such that any sane person would have, she just kept on giving. I think she was my life example of always finding the silver lining no matter the situation.

From the time I can remember coherent thoughts, I have always remembered her as the epitome of a hard working woman. I still do not know how she did all she did.

I sometimes wonder how much she liked or disliked having a birthday on Halloween...an eventful day throughout her years.

She always seemed to have a smile and something good to say about everyone. I miss her terribly. When she passed on January 1, 2008, New Years changed forever.

Miss you mom...

Things Change...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 00:06:00 +0000

...that which was warm, turns cool and then cold...
...what was near, slips more out of reach...
...that which brought comfort, now brings only pain...
...that which could be spoken, is now forbidden...
...words once welcomed, are now ignored...
...the hand once held, now shunned and disdained...
...the caress that brought joy, now pushes away...
...the melody that once lifted, is replaced by deafening silence...

...things change.

...dark clouds, give way to the light...
...that which caused sadness, replaced by contentment...
...the anchor of discouragement, now discarded for the wings of inspiration...
...loneliness, capsized by companionship...
...a heart once broken, begins to heal...
...an ending, brings a new beginning...

...things change.

Sometimes I Just Get Tired...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 16:43:00 +0000

We all have things in our lives that drive us forward. Sometimes it is our career goals or perhaps it is an inner desire for something that we pursue, but what ever it is, it keeps us motivated...keeps us pressing forward, even when at times the goal or things we desire seems to be slipping away.

I feel that way sometimes with various parts of my life. Whether it is the goal to get in better shape or things I want to improve in, or the far away desires of my heart...I have times where I look at these and I feel that, though I may have thought them attainable, maybe I was just deceiving myself and I begin to lose heart...when the desire within is met with indifference or apathy from outside or there is a feeling of striving alone, it is hard to keep going.

It's a roller coaster ride, I understand that about life, and it is up to you to make sure the "lock bar" is in the down and locked position...I don't know...is it? Sometimes friends can boost that sagging morale and remind you of why and what you are doing...but then there are times when the goal, or that which you desire, seems so far away from you and you wonder, why am I trying so hard..does it really matter?

When you see that which you care so dearly about drifting away and seemingly unaware, it is like having your heart ripped out and discarded without thought. Then comes the despair and the sadness when you look at what you have been doing and begin to feel that it was all for nothing...a colossal failure at which you are the focal point. At this point you feel like any effort to keep moving is futile and the darkness looms like a black hole sucking the very life from you and you wonder to yourself whether to fight against it's pull or not.

Tennyson once wrote, 'It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all', but sometimes I wonder about that. Love lost leaves scars and at times gaping wounds that never seem to heal. This is all the more true when that wound if constantly being reopened by hope of what seems to be possible and yet at the same time you wonder if it were ever there at all. How could love be love if that love can be switched off at will? I speak of love as love, but it is more than love that can make us feel this way and so it is with me.

I have been fighting for somethings in my life, some seem like battles that may never be won, but constantly fought...others that seem like battles that I am gradually losing...and still others where I feel like I am winning (but am I, or is that just a mirage of self disillusion?). All I know is this, I do not quit. I keep going...I find the silver lining...I see the minuscule crack of hope in the armor of distance and guardedness...so I hope and I stay the course in the hopes that one day it will be reality.

As an amazing friend of mine recently reminded me, facing the full brunt of how you feel...expressing it and not holding it back...this is not a "pity party", it is being real, it is being honest...true, the honesty and reality can put some off and make them shy away from you, but ask yourself this, are those the ones who will help catch you when you fall or are they the ones who stand back and watch?

So, what is all this blah blah about, you ask? (or perhaps you don't ask and I then say, "Ha ha to you! I made you read this whole thing!") It's about love, it's about pain, it's about goals to obtain, it's about fear, it's about courage...in short it's about life. Yes, sometimes I just get tired...tired of the pain I live with everyday...tired of the longings whose fulfillment seems so far away...tired...just tired...but I do not give up and so I pick myself up each day...place one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward...towards what ever life my bring my way.

Two Ends of The Same Dog...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 23:09:00 +0000

Two fleas are sitting on a dog arguing with each other, one on the head and one at the tail. The one at the head begins a long tirade of how if it were not for his end of the dog they would be wandering aimlessly and would be hungry and thirsty. The other flea patiently listened as the other pressed his points home over and over...finally the flea on the head challenged, "Don't you have anything to say?!" To which the flea at the tale simply responded, "Well, all I can say is that if it were not for my end, you would be totally full of crap." Reality and imagination are much the same as these two fleas. Which is which end? Either can be either, but without both we will either be full of crap, or full of ourselves...just a passing thought...

We All Swim Alone...Until we Don't

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 15:53:00 +0000

There's a dream I have every so often...well, a couple really...one is that I am diving head first into a pool of water and as I break the surface, reaching as deep as my waist, I suddenly stop. Suspended half in and half out with my head below the surface, quickly realizing I will run out of air and unable to move, I begin to panic. This is often when I wake up. The problem with that particular dream is that when I have it, it usually repeats every time I return to sleep and has at times persisted for days. Needless to say, it is NOT one of my favorites.

But I have another dream that comes and goes every so often that also involves the water...this one is a bit more subtle and not one I panic in or about. I am in the ocean...I assume it is the ocean...water stretches for as far as the eye can see in all direction. I am treading water as I rise and fall amidst the swells, alternating my view from walls of water around me to views of majestic beauty as I crest each swell.

There is nobody to be seen in any direction and I find myself thinking about how I got there and where should I swim since I have no idea where the shore is. So I set off in a random direction and swim casually knowing I may need to do so for quite some time. My mind, in the dream that is, is racing...trying to understand, "...why I am here?" and, "...why I am alone?", and, "...why did I deserve this?"...as if wondering would somehow change my predicament.

I perceive time passing rapidly and then find myself swimming at night with the moon overhead. The swells subside and I can see for quite a distance. Way off on the horizon I can see a boat...and it is coming towards me! I begin to feel anticipation and excitement as it approaches followed by a sense of relief and the release of hidden fear as they pull up beside me. As my would-be rescuers look over the side with eyes filled with compassion and encouragement, I see also a hint of remorse and regret. "Help me up...", I would cry, but they would slowly shake their head and say, "We can't help you, this is your ocean and only you can swim in it."

Most of the time, this is where I wake and I find myself awash with anger and relief, but there are other times when the dream would continue and as the boat would pull away, one of the people would jump in and swim to me saying, "To hell with the rules, I will swim with you."

I guess in many ways we all have our own oceans we are swimming in, I know I have mine. Funny how we sometimes find those willing to swim with us and at other times we find them in the safety of their little boats, unwilling to be by our sides. But isn't that just the way life is? We live and love, sometimes it stays strong and sometimes it wains. Sometimes we have people by our sides, then other times we have to fight the swells alone.

I don't claim to understand it all, or even most of it...whatever "it" may be...but I know that for me, as far as it depends on me...I will always choose to be in that water...whether it is fighting the swells of my own life battles, or by the side of those I love as they fight theirs...well, as long as they will let me be there that is. As I see it, it is a choice. We choose to fight or we choose to flee. Those that are in the water and those that choose to swim by their sides are not "better" than those who remain in the boat, but they are no longer alone...and sometimes, that is all we can really hope for.

An Apology to All My Loyal Readers...Both of you

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 02:46:00 +0000

For those of you who have wanted to comment on my recent posts only to be frustrated due to a lack of an option to do so, I must sincerely apologize. I am uncertain if the removal of the comment field is due to my error or due to the changes pushed forth by Blogspot/Blogger, but either way, it has now been corrected.

Thanks for all of your previous comments, but I fear they have been lost...and so now, we start again.

Follow Your Own Path…

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 02:36:00 +0000

Ok, just a warning up front, this is not a pretty blog post, but it is how I feel. I am no saint…big surprise, huh? But one thing I do try to do is to be honest. Sometimes that honesty is questioned, sometimes it is ridiculed, sometimes it is mocked, and sometimes, though not as often, it is recognized and appreciated.

But honesty does not equal “right” and I have been honestly “wrong” many times and I have no doubt I will be so many more times during my remaining years on this planet. The good thing is, I have plenty of people I count as friends who are more than willing to step up to poke me in the eye when I am wrong…honestly or not…and I appreciate them more than maybe I show them in the midst of their “pointing out” of my wrongness.

I have been called, at times, a “people pleaser”, sometimes by those I care about and care about what they think of me, and at times by those that thought I ought to cared about what they thought of me. But the truth is, maybe both have been right at times, I don’t know, but I do know this, I am wired in such a way that if you are a person who I care about, that I love, or cherish, or admire, or respect, I DO care what you think of me and what I do, say, and feel. If that is “people pleasing” then if it makes you feel better to put a label on me then do as you wish.

For me, I look at it like this, for those I care about, I want to give to them, I want them to be happy, I want them to feel loved, to feel cherished, to feel encouraged, to feel “cared about”, and I will go to great lengths to make this so. Is that “people pleasing”? If so then I guess I am guilty as charged, but it is how (AND WHO) I am and I’m not ashamed of that.

It has been an interesting last couple of weeks. Ups, downs, and sideways to say the least, but such has been my path. I have had friends that I thought I had lost that I had not, some that I thought I had made, but perhaps had not, and some that I thought I had known, but perhaps I did not. All I can do is be who I am, but that doesn’t mean I won’t change when what I am is shown to be wrong. My dad use to say, “Learn from other peoples mistakes, because you will never have enough time to make them all yourself.” I try do that, but sometimes we make mistakes and we don’t learn from them because we do not realize what the lesson is.

I have been very fortunate to have some incredible friends in my life, especially of late. Friends who have helped to open my eyes, to remove the blinders if you will and help me to see more clearly than I have in a long time. I love them for that and for much, much more and always will.

But as I said in the beginning of this stream of dribble, I am not a saint, I am far from perfect, but I am doing my best to be true to myself, if you can work with that, if you can accept me as I am and are willing to be patient with me as I change, then I look forward to our friendship and more, but if you can’t…well, then I understand if you need to move on. I will miss you even though you may not miss me.

A Fun Evening With Friends...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 20:31:00 +0000

"...Red sky at night, sailor's delight, Red sky at morning, sailors take warning..."

As a folklore saying, this one was so true last night. We were invited over to one of our friends house for an evening of hanging out, drinks, and some lounging in their new hot tub!

As we headed over I looked up and saw the most beautiful sky, so as I often do, I snapped off a pic with my phone. Red sky - check! Did we have a delightful time last night? - CHECK! It was awesome.

There is nothing like kicking back, relaxing, and enjoying the company of friends.

A Real Eye Opener!!

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 13:30:00 +0000

I have to confess, for those of you who don't know me very well, I love my morning coffee!! But thanks to my awesome neighbors, Steve & Tamara, I have been able to add one of my next favorites to my morning routine...Jalapeños!

Steve & Tamara started growing them from a special family crop that has consistently produced very fine and VERY hot peppers. Their temperature is only rivaled by one thing, their incredible taste! These are the most flavorful peppers I have had in many a year.

This morning I had a steaming cup of coffee accompanied by scrambled eggs covered in chopped Jalapeños and I was in heaven....thanks for the peppers guys, they are a real eye opener.

Too Soon And Yet Right On Time...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 14:18:00 +0000

Well, here it is, the week that school starts back up for the kiddos! It has been an exciting Summer for them all in all. They have had many fun days at the pool, read about a million books, watched about a million hours of TV/Movies, had a nearly month long visit to see their extended family in Virginia (and some time at the beach), and birthdays for the two oldest. Yep, a ton done for sure, but it seems like, in some ways, that it just began! That school is starting too soon.

I will miss there pitter-patter (well ok, the boom-boom) of their feet above my office as they play in the house [Lynn yells, "HEY, stop running up there!"]. I will miss my youngest coming down to my office simply to give me a hug and sit on my lap to say she loves me. I may even miss them alternately coming down to rat-out one of the others fully expecting the "wrath-O-dad" to come swiftly down on the alleged perpetrator. Indeed, I will miss them a lot.

But truth told, it really is time. It is sort of like getting a nice new pair of fuzzy leather slippers...oh they feel good and your feet are in heaven as you wear them as much as you can, because they are soooo wonderful. But then after a time...the fuzzy stuff wears out under your heal...then they start getting that funky smell that even Febreze (© 2010 Procter and Gamble) cannot dispel. And then, you really do not want to wear those slippers, in fact you suddenly find that going barefoot is just fine!

So it is with the kiddos. Yes, Summer is too short (well, at least the part about them being home, don't get me started on the heat!!), but it really is time to get them back in the "learning-groove" so they can continue showing Mom and Dad how they really are smarter than us.

Cheers! =)

There Is No Tomorrow…

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 18:10:00 +0000

______________________________________________
“My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?” ~~Nickelback
______________________________________________
The tale of my dad and our relationship is like a tale of two separate lives. Not meaning his and mine, but rather, the one he and I had when I was a child and the one we had as I became a man.

Don’t misunderstand, I loved my dad all through our lives, but I think I grew to appreciate the kind of dad he was only after I had gained a greater perspective that only an amount of living can give. It is only after you have spent some time dodging the pitfalls and traps of life (and yes, falling into some as well) that you begin to fully realize the craftsmanship that was exerted by your dad to help make you what you are.

Vernon S. Lowrie was a kind, generous, outgoing, straight shooting friend and father. But he was also a mean SOB too. Now if you just read that and you are getting all “fired up” and red faced because of it, sorry, that’s your problem, not mine. As dad was fond of saying, “You can’t have a one ended stick” and only choosing to remember that one side of dear ol’ dad would be just as shortsighted. One thing that was true all the time though was this, what you saw was always Vernon S. Lowrie! No fillers, no fluff, no back-stabbing, he was always exactly what you saw in front of you.

Growing up with dad was easy in one sense. There was very little complication when it came to dad, he was very much like a light switch. He was either gregariously happy, or mad as a hornet. Now I am not saying that he never felt sadness or fear or embarrassment, I am merely saying that as a child, I never had to deal with those, I only had to navigate the simplicity of happy or mad.

Now there are some who would say that this was not good or whatever, but I know this, I always knew where I stood with dad, and that made things very simple. Yes, I did have to learn how to express those other emotions later in life and, yes, it did take some time to master the full range of feelings, but hey, that’s just life.

It is always easy to criticize the potter for haw he works his clay when you have never had to get your own hands dirty.

Later in life though, my relationship with dad grew in such a way that I saw the many layers of his personality. I think from about age 23 and forward, I had what I would have thought at age 10, was a completely different dad. But dad hadn’t changed, well perhaps he had in some ways, but he was still the same man he had always been, but I had much better eyes to see him with. Over the ensuing years our relationship became such that we would talk more and more, and those talks became deeper and deeper. When I fell 35ft and broke my back in 1987, it was my dad who flew out to South Carolina just to be by my side and to make sure I was ok. It is things like that and many more that remind me of what an awesome dad I truly had.

Dad was not perfect, but who of us is? I will always remember him as I do every day as the man who helped me become who I am today. To say I miss him would a grand understatement, but I still have him with me in more ways than I can count. His humor, his insights, his way of seeing things that made everything seem so much more manageable.

Happy Father’s Day dad, I love you so much and I look forward to seeing you again one day.

I Am...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 21:17:00 +0000

I am the render of hearts...
I am the destroyer of love...
I am the wall that prevents closeness...
I am the remover of joy and the crusher of passion...
I am the hole within that can never be filled, that sucks the very light from your eyes...
I am the darkness that dampens the sun and ensures no ray of hope escapes...
I am the bringer of tears and sorrow so great, that life becomes to heavy to bear...
I am the ache in your core so deep that no salve can soothe...
I am despair so great that no future can offset me...
I am the rage that cannot be answered because I am masked so as not to be seen...

...I am apathy and I simply do not care.

I am seen not in word, but in their absence...
I am not the action that breaks the heart, but the indifference behind the pain...
I am not the sneer shown in your time of need, I am the turned back when you call...
I am not the fire that rages at your kindness, I am the cold that shows none in return...

...I am apathy and I choose not to care.

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We all make choices everyday that impacts those around us. We can show love, care, and concern, or we can choose not to. The opposite of love is not hatred. No, the true opposite of love is to simply not care.

I choose to care...

So Much Good And More To Come...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 01:14:00 +0000

It is really different having everyone home for Spring Break. Normally my day is me and the desk and coffee and my mats for when the pain gets to much. But this week it is all those plus little ones running down every so often and giving me hugs. Love that part! =)

I also love that they never fight or have sibling issues they just...oh wait...that was "Leave it to Beaver", but since we live in the real world. Truth is the kiddos do get along great and they have had a lot of fun.

Time flies by so fast in some ways and in others ways it seems to creep by as if hurrying might upset the balance of nature. Seems like just yesterday when JD was a little tike barely getting around, now he is a full-fledged 13 year old who wants to do everything himself.

He has constantly amazed us with how funny and quick-witted he is and we are so very proud of him. JD has a talent for learning new things (provided it interests him that is ) and is always thinking of ways to make things better, or at least easier.

Heather, the oldest of our two daughters is another source of constant joy. She has always had an interest in art in one form or another.

Now to be honest, when that form appeared on her bedroom walls, I was much more of a critic of the media rather than the art itself. That said, she really is amazing, at least to me. =)

She has gone from the kind of art that I would make to the kind that I could never dream of being able to create. And her talent goes beyond the abstract in that she can sit down and draw the most incredible drawings of wild stallions and other wildlife to such detail. She amazes me all the time.

And then there is Maddie, my baby girl, who is far from being my baby girl anymore. She is an incredible mix of both energy, creativity, imagination, and love. I can barely enter a room before she will come charging over to give me the biggest of hugs.

It seems like just yesterday that she was born, so small and delicate.

Funny, even though she was our third and I had held them all as infants, to me, she seemed the smallest and I felt like the proverbial "bull in the china shop".

Today she is a tall wiry bundle of energy and fire! Eyes wide with anticipation of every moment of everyday. She can always find a way to make me smile and I hope that never, ever ends.

So much good...I have no right to have such incredible kids, but God has been good, even to a guy like me...to say I am grateful would be a tremendous understatement. So much good...and I pray, many more to come.

Procrastination

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 13:17:00 +0000

I was going to write this today, but I think I will do another day...

"Reality" is the Best Kryptonite

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 04:13:00 +0000

So much is rattling around right now in this little head of mine that it is a wonder that it has not blown clean off my neck by this point. How do I let them out without creating a flood of such proportions that I am not swept away with the flow...that is the hardest part of writing in this little blog of mine...finding the throttle and knowing how hard to break.

Reality...by definition:

–noun

the state or quality of being real.
real things, facts, or events taken as a whole; state of affairs: the reality of the business world; vacationing to escape reality.
Philosophy.
- something that exists independently of ideas concerning it
- something that exists independently of all other things and from which all other things derive.
something that constitutes a real or actual thing, as distinguished from something that is merely apparent.

I love a show that comes on the Discovery Channel called Mythbusters. One of the intro line that I like in the show is, "I reject your reality and replace it with my own!" And in some ways, that is what this little brain expulsion is all about.

We hear it so many times in our lives, "You need to face the reality..." or, "time to come back to reality..." or you fill in the blanks as to what idiom you have been subjected to.

But you know what, had Einstein "faced the reality" of the day, we would be without the general theory of relativity, the special theory of relativity, suffice to say that physics would not be as we know it today had Einstein accepted the "reality" of the day.

Reality is what it is, but when we let it become a threat to our imaginations or worse, to our dreams, then maybe reality has then become not something to be grasped, but rather something to be questioned.

Truth is, if it were only up to us individually, reality could be whatever we see as possible, but we live in a world filled with these other living entities we call friends, neighbors, even enemies and antagonists. In this world, reality becomes a hand grenade that we must keep the pin in for fear that it explode and rip the fabric of all the lives within it's collective reality.

Sometimes, I want to fight that reality...I want to run face first into the oncoming hurricane and defy the winds that want to sweep me back into the flow of conformity. I want to reach out and embrace things that the current reality would call fantasy, to grasp the reality as I want it to be, rather than what it is dictated to be...and to the best of my abilities, that is what I am doing.

Am I talking about you?...am I talking about us?...well let's just say this is were you have to question your own reality, ok? If you can read this and say, "Hey, that's me too..." then that is awesome, but it is not about you, if you get the distinction.

Yes, reality, getting real, being real, these are all important, and like Kryptonite to Superman, the fact that it exists is important to keep in mind, but don't let it stop you from pushing against the boundary of that reality!! Push it, bend it, see how far it can really be stretched in your pursuit of the joy, happiness, and fulfillment that we all deserve.

I have so much more in my head still...but maybe it's just as well it stay there until it reach critical mass again...I am so very tired...tired of the fighting against the reality of the norm...but just know this, there is nothing in this world more powerful and capable of fighting to change reality than the power of love...and so, I will never stop this fight...

REVISED: It's Not How You Feel, It's How You Feel About How You Feel...

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 11:37:00 +0000

Is that a long enough title for ya? Well it may be cumbersome, but it fits. If you are like me (Lord, let's hope for the both of us that you are not ) you get asked a certain question a lot. That question is a seemingly innocuous one that is a paradox in and of itself.

The question is, "How are you feeling?"

To me, though I really do appreciate the thought behind it, that question is really not the issue. Now, I say that more specifically in relation to folks asking me how I am feeling in regards to the ongoing pain I feel everyday. And I want to emphasis that I am not saying I do not appreciate the question and definitely I always do appreciate the thought and heart behind it.

For me, and I know I will get blasted by someone for saying this , but that is sort of like asking a blind man, "how's your vision today?" I know, I know...just roll with it for a minute ok?

Now I am not advocating or proselytizing for people to abandon that question, but more I want to let folks know that to me the question (at least in my head) gets transformed into the question of, "How ya feeling about how you are feeling today?"

This has a new importance to me now than ever before. I just got back nearly a week ago from a much anticipated consult with the Hospital for Special Surgeries in NYC. I went at the behest of my local doc (who rocks BTW) with the hopes that they may see or discover a way of getting me out of the constant day-to-day high intensity pain that I live with.

Saw a great doctor there who obviously knew tremendous amounts of valuable knowledge in relation to my kind of issue. But, unfortunately, no blue pill (or red one for that matter ) that could miraculously deliver me from the bonds of my mistress. He had a wealth of encouragement that my back was sound, but that the pain was due to a cause that could not be addressed by any currently known method or regiment. So, I remain and likely will remain for the rest of my life in an escalating level of pain.

But hey, I figured that to be the case before I went, so no disappointment, just a realization that this is the way it is. Which brings me back to the title of this little brain belch of a blog entry.

How do I feel? I am in pain, but what really matters is how do I feel about how I feel. Would I love to be pain free? Does a one-legged duck swim in circles? Indeed I would! But, for at least the visible future, that is just not in the cards, so I must continue to do what I have always striven to do and that is to have the best possible life, and outlook on said life, that I can possible muster.

So the answer to the real question behind the question is, "I feel great!" And 99.8752634871% of the time, I am damn happy too. =) I learned a long time ago that if I base my happiness on my circumstances or worse on the opinions of others, or if I let the balance of whether I am happy or "feel good" about my life, hang on the result or hope of a life other than what I have (speaking physically in relation to the pain of course) then I would be on a constant emotional roller-coaster.

Now I have had a lot of help of late. Many of you have been super encouraging to me about how you see me and how my lame ramblings have helped you in one way or another. And I have had some incredible friends give me insight into myself that even I was unaware of and because of that I am making improvements on a daily basis.

I have renewed friendships that have been in need of renewing for nearly a quarter of a decade and I have found new friends that I never knew I had from all the way back to my dreaded days of High School (that's a whole 'nuther blog post).

So, in a nutshell, ok maybe a clam shell, I feel great! If it were up to me, apart from the pain and perhaps some relationship course modifications, I wouldn't change a thing.

ADDENDUM

A very close friend of mine has approached me after reading this blog entry and was concerned that I was giving up hope. So, let me clarify so as to put all minds and concerned hearts to rest.

I will always have hope! But I have been taught a very important lesson over the last 6 months and that is to also have a firm grasp on the reality of things. So yes, I have hope, but bigger than that I have peace that I can manage my pain (the reality) no matter what comes my way.

My pain is not my buddy, but it is likely to be a passenger in my life, so I best be prepared to handle that.

All that said, please know that I alway have welcomed feedback. I value the thoughts of those who care about me. Rest assured, I do believe in the rest of my life. I believe in a life that will be full of joy and happiness. And in a life that sees me in the best shape of my life and because of that able to deal with whatever pain comes my way.

No Tom Tom’s on the Road of Life…

noreply@blogger.com (L²) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 04:42:00 +0000

It always amazes me to hear people talk of having “mapped out the course of their life” or some similar statement. I am not sure if it is because I think having a “planned out life” is ridiculous or if it just because I don’t believe such a life exists outside of fantasy, but I think I would pass on such a life.

Life is more like, well it’s like riding a new roller coaster for the very first time. You may have an idea where the dips and curves and the hills are in general, but once you are on the ride, all you can do is sit back, arms up and let the adrenalin fly!

Lets face it, you aren’t encouraged to “smell the roses” along the way because you looked at the travel guide, it’s because you come up on them unexpected and you need to take the time to smell them because you don’t know when you will come across anything as beautiful again.

But all in all, I think that’s a good thing. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I love that passage, it really sums up what I am saying. I am not talking about being irresponsible or not making plans for the future, but more along the lines of, remember that your plans are just a table napkin sketch, be ready for the ride and ready to enjoy it.

Life’s twists and turns can bring awesome thing into our lives. I have many such incredible gifts in mine. My wife and I had decided that 2 kids was enough. And so I was to get “neutered” so as to make that not something we had to worry about. Did it (don’t listen to the propaganda that says it is painless) and low and behold, we had our third child anyways. Turns out, the fix was like 3 days too late. But I can tell you this, I could not imagine life without of baby girl.

Another gift is the rekindling of lost friendships reunited through Facebook. Opening doors that I would have never had the chance to walk through had life not thrown a twist and a turn that I could never have anticipated.

There are also dark corners and shaded alleys along that road. If you are like me, my first inclination is to not even see it. “What dark alley?”, and yet it is still there and in truth, we need to walk those as well.

The passing of my parents pulled back the curtains on many a dark alley that I needed to walk. I can’t say I have cleared them completely, but I am no longer afraid to see what is in those shadowy corners and to face the demons that I have allowed to live there so long.

Bottom-line, there are no Tom Tom’s on the road of life, so, enjoy life, every minute of it, every second of it, because none of us are promised our next breath. Face it all, head on and don’t forget to throw your arms up on the hilly parts…that just makes it more fun.