The LDS Marriage Bed

CTC Night (At Home) - Happy Halloween

2018-10-06T17:27:00.002-05:00

Something a lot of couples forget or may not realize is that as a married couple, it's okay to have sex before the date! In fact, it's a really good idea.

Having sex before the date (even if it's just a quickie) eliminates any apprehension during the date of whether one or both will get sex that night.

It also releases endorphins and oxytocin (in the husband) that helps him to relax and feel more inclined to talk.

Now, if you're stuck at home because you're broke, or have small children or can't find a sitter, or any other reason - on Halloween night, how about this idea?

Decorate the front of your house or apartment and have an evening of handing out candy together.

You can make it really scary and make it your goal of scaring the life out of the little ghouls that visit or make it a relaxing evening of cuddling and talking while you wait for the next visitor. You could also turn all the light's off in the house and watch It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown while hiding under a blanket together. Or write a wish list to the great pumpkin together.

Happy Dating!

The Law of Chastity And The Word of Wisdom - Strange Marriage Bedfellows?

2018-10-02T20:58:00.001-05:00

The Underlying Principles of the Law of Chastity, Before and After Marriage

The moment a couple cross the threshold into marriage can be a lurch for some. It was for my wife and me.

We thought to ourselves, “Now that we’re married and sexually active, what happens to the law of chastity? Is it gone, like the animal sacrifices for the Mosaic Law? Are we beyond such things now?”

The truth is, the law of chastity does not change significantly after marriage….and at the same time, it does.

Before Marriage

How can that be? We weren’t having sex before marriage, and now we are. That’s a change, isn’t it?

In one sense yes, but in another sense, no.

The law of chastity in its fullness is “Do not have any sexual relations before marriage and be completely faithful to your spouse after marriage.”[i]

In this sense, it stays the same. If we are not married, ideally there is no sexual relations with any person in our lives. But this is not because we’re ‘married’ to Christ or any such nonsense, or because the Lord wants us to sexually frustrate ourselves for no good reason.

We may not have met an appropriate person, or if we have, it may not be the appropriate time or place yet. We haven’t yet reached the point where it’s appropriate for us to exercise the rites of marital intimacy.

Our sexual expressions are saved for that future person, and that future time and place, where the Lord can seal us to each other with the Holy Spirit of Promise in what should be the most sacred relationship known to mankind.

After Marriage

Once we’ve met that person, and made the covenants of marriage, we are then sanctioned even commanded[ii] by the Lord to express our sexual desires and feelings with that person – but no others. The law of chastity is fulfilled to a certain extent in this context. Many couples are shocked when they soon learn there is no magic switch that suddenly flips at the last amen of the marriage covenant that shuts off all feelings for anyone but our spouse. This is romantic nonsense.

There is temptation sometimes to want to express those sexual feelings of love and desire with someone outside our marriage, but this is just as inappropriate in this context as it would be for a single Latter-Day Saint to engage in sexual relations outside of marriage.

The single person who breaks the law of chastity disrespects the spouse they have not made the marriage covenant to. The married person disrespects the spouse they have already married. Both acts carry severe spiritual penalties, and often severe temporal and relationship consequences as well.

Sexuality in Marriage is Applied in a Similar Way as the Word of Wisdom

So, hopefully it understood that (even though married) sex with someone we’re not married to or married to yet would not be a good thing – from an LDS perspective.

But what standardgoverns what a husband and wife dosexually and physically in the marriage?

While the law of chastity still applies in marriage, the principles governing the appropriate expression of sexuality in marriage now follows the spirit of the law similar to what’s found in the Word of Wisdom.

As with the Word of Wisdom, there are don’ts, and there are dos. The dos are in large part determined by the couple and their personal situation.[iii]

For example, married couples can now have sex, but how should they have sex? What is permissible and what isn’t in the Lord’s eyes? What is “too far”?

There is broad interpretation for each couple to determine that for themselves, with the guidance of certain principles in place, and with the assistance of the Holy Ghost.

The Don’ts

The don’ts for sex, like the don’ts in the Word of Wisdom, would include the avoidance of any substance, media, object, or practice that would bring harm to the body, mind or spirit.[iv] That comprises the basic spirit of the law.

For me, practices that bring harm to a married couple include any use of profane erotica. Profane erotica has no benefit or place in any context of a Latter-Day Saint’s life.[v]

Also, bondage, domination, sadism, or masochism (often referred to as BDSM) are another set of sexual practices I find difficult to fully reconcile with an LDS married context, for many reasons.

While some milder forms of sensuality that fall under the “B” of the BDSM umbrella could be used as foreplay without harm (i.e. expressions such as fuzzy handcuffs , blindfolding or gentle sensate exercises) the heavier and more extreme expressions of these practices have the potential to chase away the Spirit, particularly when it comes to domination, sadism and masochism.

Bondage is the practice of using restraints and developing trust through surrendering your body to your spouse, which can be as simple as fuzzy handcuffs and tying oneself or spouse to the bedpost with ribbon, or as extreme as gagging, hogtying, and clamping. Even with consent in a marriage, the extreme end of this behavior could conflict with gospel principles.[vi]

Dominion involves both spouses involved in an unequal relationship and deriving pleasure from that dominion and submission, whether the man or the woman be in the position of dominance or submission.

Again, couples must tread carefully here. While it may be all right to engage in some light forms of fantasy and roleplay from time to time, using sexuality to brutalize or humiliate one spouse or indulging in a mentally abusive relationship, even with permission on the part of both spouses, could cause some dissonance in incorporating gospel doctrine fully in our hearts and minds.[vii]

Even role-play has the potential to affect the subconscious mind. Dark forms of domination role-play (such as putting a dog leash on your spouse and making them lick the floor) can invite the influence of the Adversary into what the Lord intended to be a caring, loving, intimate and sacred – even celestial sexual activity and behavior. Is an activity such as this something that you could imagine doing in the atmosphere of the celestial kingdom?

Sadism is when an individual gets pleasure or an adrenalin rush from inflicting pain on another person, to varying degrees. In practice, this is typically done with razor blades, needles, paddles, riding crops or whips, burning each other with candle wax or other objects, electric shocks or choking each other.

Masochism is getting pleasure or an adrenalin rush from having pain inflicted upon them – physically or mentally. Both often go together in worldly practices, but it can be hard to see at times where these practices and attitudes would properly fit into the context of a couple trying to establish a celestial relationship.[viii]

All these practices together become a way of pushing extremes, to see how far a person can go before they are permanently damaged. Sometimes, in the world, these extremes are pushed to the point of death, or the intention of seeing how much a person can endure and get as close to death as possible without crossing the line. How can this constitute ‘care’ for one’s body or eternal love? These practices also keep the individual or couple’s sexuality focused on the physical and not in developing full marital intimacy. [ix].

In the worldly community that practices BDSM, they focus on physical pleasure only, as a way for single people to push past the emotional and spiritual consequences that inevitably follow fornication. They get a rush from pushing the body to its limits. The rules surrounding its use (safe words, etc.) are established to make engaging in the practice with strangers more accessible – and acceptable. Rarely is it ever spoken of in the context of marriage, because marriage carries with it the consequence of settling into a comfort zone and the only way to maintain the adrenalin rush is to keep the situation “dangerous”. It’s a sad, physically fragmented counterfeit substitute for something that can only be obtained in a loving gospel-centered marriage – marital intimacy.

Couples are free to choose for themselves, and some may disagree with me on some of these at some level, which is fine. I am not the Lord’s sexual spokesman for the Church members in any way. But to me, and after everything I’ve learned and experienced in my research over these last couple of decades, these practices seem incongruous to me, when it comes to the context of building of a celestial marriage. They conflict with the Lord’s mandate to care for ourselves and others.[x]

The ‘Do’s

Just as the Word of Wisdom offers ‘do’s as well as don’ts, there are also sexual dos in marriage, and in this regard, there are a wide form of behaviors and practices available to couples. The general underlying principles are more important than the specifics.

Some questions to help you consider what ‘do’s are right for you as a couple could include the following:

· In sexuality, are we caring for our bodies as sacred gifts, and our spouse’s bodies as well?

· Are we working to see that each other’s preferences are, if not celebrated, at least respected?

· Are we taking steps to share our appropriate feelings of sensuality and desire with the person whom we’ve covenanted to share them? Or are we treating our spouse exactly the way we treat everyone else, reducing a sacred relationship to a common relationship, living as if we were brother/sister, or cousins, or roommates, or business partners? Are we sharing that sacred, inward part of ourselves with our spouse, that no one else gets to see? If not, why not?

· Are we honoring and exalting our spouse in our treatment of them? Or degrading or humiliating them? Do we know for sure? How is our communication? Are we having those regular, necessary talks with each other about our feelings regarding sexuality?

· Are we keeping our passionate expressions sacred to our spouse, where they belong? Are we allowing our spouse to express themselves fully, even if it’s different than how we would express ourselves to them?

· Are we taking care to keep our relationship on an equal plane, or is there an imbalance somewhere that needs correction?

· Are we giving care to the emotional and spiritual aspects of our sexuality, as well as the physical? Are we seeking the Spirit for sexual guidance, or are we turning too much to the world, whose focus is almost exclusively on the physical? Sexuality is not a rite where the physical is separate from the spiritual. To obtain not just sex but the satiating, wholesome and powerful full marital intimacy symphony both the physical and the spiritual must be working together as one. The world only focuses on the physical, because they only know and understand the physical. As Latter-Day-Saints, we can have what the world desperately seeks, because we know and understand there is so much more.

***

Final note, when it comes to marital intimacy practices, it's important to know we don't have to be pharisaical about the Law of Chastity and Word of Wisdom. In whatever you choose to do as a couple, always seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit.[xi]

[i] See the Proclamation to the Family on Sexual Purity: https://www.lds.org/youth/for-the-strength-of-youth/sexual-purity?lang=eng

[ii] “Our prophetic leaders have consistently taught that sexual intimacy is a good and righteous part of married life. President Spencer W. Kimball also taught that “husband and wife are authorized; in fact, they are commanded to have proper sex when they are married for time and eternity.” (President Spencer W. Kimball Teachings, 312) Busby, Carroll, Leavitt, Sexual Wholeness In Marriage (2013,41)

[iii]“Members write in asking if this thing or that is against the Word of Wisdom. It’s well known that tea, coffee, liquor, and tobacco are against it. It has not been spelled out in more detail. Rather, we teach the principle together with the promised blessings. There are many habit-forming, addictive things that one can drink or chew or inhale or inject which injure both body and spirit which are not mentioned in the revelation.
Everything harmful is not specifically listed; arsenic, for instance—certainly bad, but not habit-forming! He who must be commanded in all things, the Lord said, “is a slothful and not a wise servant” (D&C 58:26).” – Boyd K. Packer, The Word of Wisdom: The Principle and the Promises, April 1996, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/04/the-word-of-wisdom-the-principle-and-the-promises?lang=eng

[iv] “…may we care for our bodies and our minds by observing the principles set forth in the Word of Wisdom, a divinely provided plan.” – Monson, Thomas. Principles and Promises, Oct 2016, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/10/principles-and-promises?lang=eng

[v]“Brethren, you have noticed that I am not discussing the effects of pornography on mental health or criminal behavior. I am discussing its effects on spirituality—on our ability to have the companionship of the Spirit of the Lord and our capacity to exercise the power of the priesthood.
Pornography also inflicts mortal wounds on our most precious personal relationships. In his talk to men of the priesthood last October, President Hinckley quoted the letter of a woman who asked him to warn Church members that pornography “has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships” (Liahona and Ensign,Nov. 2004, 60). – Oaks, Dallin H., Pornography, April 2005, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2005/04/pornography?lang=eng

[vi] Satan … tries to do everything he can to get us to abuse or misuse this precious gift [of our bodies]. He has filled the world with lies and deceptions about the body. He tempts many to defile this great gift of the body through unchastity, immodesty, self-indulgence, and addictions. He seduces some to despise their bodies; others he tempts to worship their bodies. In either case, he entices the world to regard the body merely as an object. In the face of so many satanic falsehoods about the body, I want to raise my voice today in support of the sanctity of the body. I testify that the body is a gift to be treated with gratitude and respect. – Tanner, Susan W. The Sanctity of the Body, October 2005, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2005/10/the-sanctity-of-the-body?lang=eng

[vii]“…fathers and mothers are … equal partners.” – Proclamation to the World on the Family: https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&old=true

[viii]“Family members … should reserve their most tender affection for those who are closest to them: their spouse…. The true greatness of a person, in my view, is evident in the way he or she treats those where courtesy and kindness are not required.” – Wirthlin, Joseph P. Seeking the Good, April 1992, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/seeking-the-good?lang=eng

[ix]“The story is told of a king who was choosing between two drivers for his coach. He ordered each of them to drive his coach down a steep, winding road cut into a high cliff.
The first driver came down slowly, hugging the wall of the cliff. The second driver demonstrated great talent and ability. He raced down the mountain, with the coach so close at times that half the wheel was off the edge of the cliff.
The king was very thoughtful, then wisely chose the first man to drive his coach. It is best to stay on the safe side of things.” – Packer, Boyd K. Ibid. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/04/the-word-of-wisdom-the-principle-and-the-promises?lang=eng

[x]“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment.
“And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
“On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” – Matthew 22:37-40

[xi]“…what will your seeking open for you? What wisdom do you lack? What do you feel an urgent need to know or understand? Follow the example of the Prophet Joseph. Find a quiet place where you can regularly go. Humble yourself before God. Pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. Turn to Him for answers and for comfort.
Pray in the name of Jesus Christ about your concerns, your fears, your weaknesses—yes, the very longings of your heart. And then listen! Write the thoughts that come to your mind. Record your feelings and follow through with actions that you are prompted to take. As you repeat this process day after day, month after month, year after year, you will ’grow into the principle of revelation.’
Does God really want to speak to you? Yes!” – Nelson, Russell M. Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives, April 2018, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2018/04/revelation-for-the-church-revelation-for-our-lives?lang=eng

Husbands Notice Other Women Because…Negativity Bias

2018-09-08T14:54:00.001-05:00

Also See: Husbands Notice Other Women For A Good Reason

In regard to LDS men’s attraction or curiosity to profane erotica or looking at other women, I’m still concerned about the rhetoric I’m hearing from wives that their immediate solution is “well, instead of looking at other naked women (or other women in general), he should only be looking at his wife.”

This is an ancient Victorian romantic ideal, but a fallacy in human biological and spiritual realty.

Many women have the romantic idea that if a man truly loves you, he will only be attracted to you and no one else. If he ever looks at another woman, then that must mean he never really loved you in the first place. On just a biological basis, this is untrue, and it may be a hard thing for women to let go of, but I ask that we consider the following:

Men (which produce less oxytocin than a woman produces[i]) does not experience the same emotional bonding that a woman experiences when entering an intimate relationship. This is because a man is designed biologically to have sex more often and reproduce with more women than the reverse. A man is also capable of developing self- control but must consciously choose to practice fidelity each and every day.

So why does a man look at other women? One reason is because the human subconscious brain has a negativity bias mechanism built in by God. In other words, it’s attracted to disaster scenarios because it’s always looking for ways to defend against disaster or danger.

Hara Estroff Marano in her article “Our Brain’s Negative Bias said:

“Our capacity to weigh negative input so heavily most likely evolved for a good reason—to keep us out of harm's way. From the dawn of human history, our very survival depended on our skill at dodging danger. The brain developed systems that would make it unavoidable for us not to notice danger and thus, hopefully, respond to it.”[ii]

Husbands look at other women because they are not blind to the reality that their wives are mortal. You may even hear this idea subtly stated in TV shows or even in a sacrament talk when a spouse says, “You’re not allowed to die before I do” or “Our plan is to both die at the same time.”

Occasionally you hear this point of view on TV when a scene is played where a man flirts with his wife or another woman flirts with him and he turns to his wife to say, “I’ve still got it”.

The reality we live in is that we are constantly reminded that a wife could die of cancer, a freak aneurism, a car accident or some other disaster. We men are not blind to the fact that our wives are mortal. When I was a young newlywed, I came uncomfortably close to this reality when a dear friend of ours (married only three years and madly in love) suddenly found himself a widower, his wife struck down with ovarian cancer in her mid-20s. It shook me to my core.

While lust can be a factor for some (the Coolidge effect does still apply and psychologically still creates a concern for many husbands’ libido), it is not always or the only reason a good husband looks at other women or is drawn to profane erotica.

While he may not want to admit it consciously, a husband’s subconscious is concerned with his wife’s mortality or her commitment to the relationship. He looks at other women because his brain may be wondering “Should she die, would I be able to marry again? In an eternal perspective, would she be someone my wife would approve of? Do I have what it takes spiritually and physically to attract another wife should I lose my first wife?”

These are concerns that husbands carry with them and it affects them on a deep emotional level. Sex is a motivating factor in his looking, because (should his wife die) he would also lose his marital intimacy partner and only lawful outlet. This can be a very strong motivator for concern in a man.

Conversely, this could be a motivating factor for wives to look at other men as well. “Should he die, would another man want me? Have I still got it?”

By recognizing our brain’s natural “negative bias”, husbands and wives can not only be a strength to each other, but also strengthen their intimate connection by not judging, seeing to understand and by being sensitive and open with each other about these fears and concerns. Not neglecting dates, reassuring each other of the other’s attractiveness (or helping with their ability to feel attractive), making “what if” scenarios in case the other spouse dies a matter of discussion can help alleviate (at least this part of the “attraction to profane erotica” concern) feeling the pull to look at the opposite sex.

“…If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear.” D&C 38:30

[i] Weber, Michael M.D., The Link Between Love and Oxytocin, Medical News Today (2017), https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/275795.php

[ii] Marano, Hara Estroff , Psychology Today, Our Brain’s Negative Bias, June 20, 2003 - last reviewed on June 9, 2016