LOLNet

Priest and Rabbi

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 12:24:00 +0000

One sunny day, a priest and a rabbi are walking in the park. They pass a lake, and the priest says "It's nice and sunny, why not go for a swim? We're both men of God, so we shouldn't be ashamed of our nudity."

The rabbi agrees, so they strip and dive in. After a while, they decide to get out again, but just as they stroll across the grass to their clothes, a group of school children passes by, including several ones from both the priest's and the rabbi's congregation. Quickly, the priest covers his genitals with his hands. The rabbi, however, covers his face.

Out of the corner of his mouth, the priest mumbles "Why are you covering your face, brother?"

The rabbi replies "Because the children in my community recognise my face, not my penis."

Credits: sickipedia.org

Thought the sock

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Sun, 21 Nov 2010 18:32:00 +0000

"Now that doesn't look like a foot"

Thought the sock.
credits: sickipedia.org

Little Johnny - Good Salesmanship

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 10:47:00 +0000

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467," cried the teacher, "what in the world were you selling?"

"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. "Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "how could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chip and Dip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing... 'Hey, this tastes like shit!'

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
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Innuendo

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:53:00 +0000

I was in McDonald's and this stunning young girl took my order.
"I can make it large for you for an extra 30p," she said sweetly.
"I'm afraid you already have," I replied, "but how about a blowjob for a pound?"

Unfortunately Named Professionals

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:13:00 +0000

1. Dr. Dick Chopp
2. Dick Payne
3. Professor Fuck
4. Dr. Cockburn
5. Anurag Dikshit
6. Coach Sally Mangina
7. Representative Dick Ball
8. Dr. Harry Beaver
9. Dick Hyman
10. Yolanda Squatpump
11. Ima Hogg
12. Peter Enis
13. Dr. Harry Johnson
14. Anita Dick
15. Professor Assmann
16. Dr. Pornsak
17. Dr. Dick Weiner
via.
18. Dr. B.J. Hardick
19. Ben Dover
20. Sheriff Mike Hunt
Thanks to Yuppiepunk for some of these names!!

Jail chaos

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 20:57:00 +0000

Jail chaos as lag hacker is left in charge of computer system

By Justin Penrose 27/09/2009

A jailed hacker shut down a prison's entire computer system - after bosses gave him the job of programming it.
Douglas Havard, 27, serving six years for stealing up to £6.5million using forged credit cards over the internet, was approached after governors wanted to create an internal TV station but needed a special computer program written.
He was left unguarded and hacked into the system's hard drive at Ranby Prison, near Retford, Notts. Then he set up a series of passwords so no one else could get into the system.

The blunder emerged a week after the Sunday Mirror revealed how an inmate at the same jail managed to get a key cut that opened every door.
Havard was put in segregation as punishment. But he left the system crippled. A prison source said: "It's unbelievable that a criminal convicted of cyber-crime was allowed uncontrolled access to the hard drive. He set up such an elaborate array of passwords it took a specialist company to get it working."
A Prison Service spokesman said the breach was being investigated, adding: "Prisoners are not allowed unsupervised access to computers. The prisoner was not able to access records of any other prisoners."

Men and Women

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:04:00 +0000

Credits : Swades

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
2. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
3. Although they don't really care for them, they always like to have one around.
4. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with other women.
5. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off If the women around leaves them.
6. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their Mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes which they can hardly afford.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't Believe you.

Cybersex

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 12:55:00 +0000

Dad: Son I think it's time we had a chat man to man about cybersex.
Son: Um ok, dad. What did you want to know?

Business

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 12:52:00 +0000

'Are your relatives in business?'
'Yes - in the iron and steel business'
'Oh, indeed?'
'Yes - me mother irons and me father steals'

Tried once

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 12:50:00 +0000

A man walked into a pub on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the barman asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the barman said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The barman asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The barman said, "Your only son, I take it?"

The weird Salesman

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 12:44:00 +0000

A priest concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several boxes of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for £10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The priest knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the priest decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the priest immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you do selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing over an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the £200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's £280 I collected."
The priest responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, he turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered a large envelope.
He opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?
"The priest exclaimed. "Louie, there's £3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the priest agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know ff-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten p-p-p-pounds ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-wou ld yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m -me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

Buying Condoms

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 12:30:00 +0000

A young man go's to the chemist to buy some condoms, a little afraid he asks the old lady behind the counter for some.
"What size would you like?" she enquires. Unaware that there are different sizes he admits he doesn't know. The lady tells him there is a penis sizing guide in the back built into the fence, if he puts his knob through each of the holes she will be able to size it.
The lad puts his knob through the first hole the old lady grabs his knob and starts wanking it off.
The lad then puts his knob through the second hole and the lady starts sucking him off.
The lad then puts his knob through the final hole and the lady grabs it and pushes it into her arse.
After this the lady runs back into the shop and pretends to know nothing about the fence. "So what size condom do you think you need then?"
"Fuck the condoms, how much for the Fence?" the lad replies.

Facebook and Twitter : Adding a new dimension to Stalking

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 11:22:00 +0000

Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

Hilarious Video.

Credits : http://www.theonion.com

That poor kid :P!!

Globalization

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 11:22:00 +0000

Dating Site Captcha fail

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 00:21:00 +0000

Wrong Meaning!

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 21:53:00 +0000

a man was on a plane from Dublin to New York at the begining of the flight he called over the air hostess and gave her a large cooler "could you please keep this in the fridge in the cabin" he said "these are very rare brazillian crabs" he explained to her "if anything happens to them i'm holding you responsible"
The hostess nodded and brought the cooler to the cabin.

when the plane arrived in New York the man was getting his bags when the air hostess came on the intercom "could the man who gave me crabs in Dublin please make his way to the front of the plane"

your Phone is happy to see you

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 07:10:00 +0000

Don't Push too many buttons or your phone might get a boner!

Genius Kids

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 04:41:00 +0000

A police officer had found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists and one day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.
Ten year old Dennis Porter was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "Radar Trap Ahead." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "Tips" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

MANCHESTER UNITED VIRUSES HAVE HIT COMPUTERS!

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 04:38:00 +0000

They are particularly harmful and here are such examples-
The Manchester United Virus. This is where your PC thinks its far superior than any other PC and develops a memory disorder, forgetting anything that happened before 1993.
The David Beckham Virus. This affects newer PC's mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.
The Roy Keane Virus. This one is particularly nasty and will throw you out of Windows.
The Alex Ferguson Virus. The computer develops a continuous whining noise and the on screen clock runs a lot faster or slower (depending on how your days been) than all the other computers in the building.
The Ben Foster Virus. This one's not particularly harmful - but you just can't save anything.
The Gary Neville Virus. This is the extremely ugly one.
The Manchester United Shirt Virus. This one is especially hard to detect as it changes it's format every 3 months
The Dimitar Berbatov Viris. The computer still works fine just performs really slowly.
Don't worry, real football fan anti-virus software to be available soon.

Condom and an Old Man

noreply@blogger.com (Vaibhaw Singh Chandel) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 22:15:00 +0000

An old man finds a condom in his grandson's room and asks what it is. "It's a condom," replies the grandson. "What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa. The grandson is embarrassed, so he says,"I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain." Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks for a condom. "What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist. "Big enough to fit a Camel."

The Old Bastard

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 14:23:00 +0000

Young man walking along pier sees an old man with his shoes off, trousers rolled up, legs dangling in the water an fishing with an imaginary rod! Puzzled, young man asks, "what you up to mate?" Old man says "fishing for cunts!" Young man says "fishing for cunts? sounds good, can i have a go?" "Of course you can, pull up a pew son" he sits down, casts out an imaginary rod an says "so, how many cunts have you caught so far?" old guy says "you're the 3rd this morning!"

Singular and Plural

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 14:18:00 +0000

I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo,
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses"
I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again,
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese"
Nope, that still didn't sound right,
"Dear Sir, Im starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi"
Ahh fuck it I thought,
"Dear Sir, Im starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose".
" P.S. Send me another one"

Sexual Calorie Counter

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:27:00 +0000

The highs and lows of male adolescence

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 02:12:00 +0000

Scottish World Cup Squad

noreply@blogger.com (LOLDawg) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:35:00 +0000

Me and my girlfriend have been together a long time, and our favourite sexual position is the Scottish World Cup Squad.

Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no communication and we never even make it past the first stage. It's often accompanied by a very bad soundtrack, horrible dribbling and never ever a clean sheet. It's always over far too quickly and when it does end I know it will be at least another 12 years before it happens again

LOLNet

Priest and Rabbi

Thought the sock

Little Johnny - Good Salesmanship

Innuendo

Unfortunately Named Professionals

1. Dr. Dick Chopp

2. Dick Payne

3. Professor Fuck

4. Dr. Cockburn

5. Anurag Dikshit

6. Coach Sally Mangina

7. Representative Dick Ball

8. Dr. Harry Beaver

9. Dick Hyman

10. Yolanda Squatpump

11. Ima Hogg

12. Peter Enis

13. Dr. Harry Johnson

14. Anita Dick

15. Professor Assmann

16. Dr. Pornsak

17. Dr. Dick Weiner

18. Dr. B.J. Hardick

19. Ben Dover

20. Sheriff Mike Hunt