T

The Index Finger is associated with authority and ambition. Kings, priests and healers wore rings on the index finger because that finger was thought to be especially powerful. The index finger is the finger that pulls the trigger. It is the finger that picks the nose. It is the finger that points the way. It is not like the middle finger that can tell one to fuck off. But next to the thumb, it is our most used and versatile finger except during foreplay when again the middle finger tends to give most of the action. Lucky Bastard.

The Penis is an external sexual organ of certain biologically male organisms, in both vertebrates and invertebrates. The penis is a reproductive organ and, for placental mammals, additionally serves as the external organ of urination. Nature gave us this as an external organ as opposed to an internal organ because it is better to piss outside of yourself than inside yourself. The penis is fun. Men play with their penis all the time and stick them in all sorts of things. Some believe that the penis has a very powerful little brain that overrides the larger brain in the head of the male mammal. This is true. Penises get justly blamed for a lot of things. The word “penis” is taken from the Latin word for “tail.” Prior to the adoption of the Latin word in English the penis was referred to as a “yard”. (See photo  for reason why.) As with nearly any aspect of the human body that is involved in sexual or excretory functions, the word penis is considered funny from a juvenile perspective, and there are many slang words and euphemisms for the penis, such as “cock,” “dick,” “schlong,” “johnson,” “willy,” or “pecker.” In Spanish the word for penis is pene, which is pronounced just like “penne” the pasta. Think of that the next time you order a bowl of penne carbonara.

Randy is an adjective meaning blatantly lascivious or lecherous; one who is randy is characterized by frank, crude, uninhibited sexuality. A randy person for example is eagerly aroused, overtly horny, and lacking any self-restraint. Goats are often described as randy, and dirty old men are often described as randy old goats. One who is randy is also ruttish, which means they will rub up against almost anything to satisfy their sexual desire. Think ladies night anywhere in the world. Randy is also the diminutive for the name Randolph.

WTF is the abbreviation for What The Fuck, which is a phrase used to express astonishment. It can be used to express anger, disbelief or an acknowledgement that something is improbable, absurd or exceedingly stupid.

Not too long ago a very good friend of Café No Sé, Randy, who perhaps many of you know, was being disloyal to his favorite watering-hole and drinking in another bar. As should be assumed, Randy was living up to his name in the bar in question and using the limited talents at his disposal to seduce someone into being the object of his randiness. In other words, he was trying his damndest to rut, or to get laid, as it were. Normally, Randy, has a modicum of success in this area, as Antigua is rarely shy of rutt-ees; or should I say, rutt-ettes? But on this particular night, both Randy and his wingman best friend struck out miserably. It may have had something to do with all the Gallos, Cuba Libres and cheap tequila they inhaled in random succession that rendered their questionable charms ever more so. Maybe it was just not their night. In any event they found themselves the very last to stagger from the door of the bar in the very wee hours.

Outside, on the street, Randy struck a match and lit a cigarette while his friend crossed the street towards the car. Randy closed his eyes and inhaled, thinking the night over. Perhaps he should not have told the girl from Denmark that he was hung like a Great Dane. Perhaps he should not have told the girl from Holland that he’d love to see her tulips. Oh well, there was always tomorrow night. Randy exhaled some smoke and opened his eyes, and when he did he saw his friend pissing on his car. Randy said, “Dude, don’t piss on my car.” But the friend kept pissing a healthy-gushing-of-too-many-Gallo piss. Randy pulled his pistol. “Dude,” he said to his friend again, “I’m gonna shoot your dick off if you don’t stop pissing on my car.” The friend kept on. And then…

THE GUN WENT OFF. Some say Randy pulled the trigger. I like to believe he did. Others say it went off by accident. But his friend screamed. “You shot my dick off, and a chunk of my finger, you asshole.”

Randy raced over to his friend. “Dude, holy shit you are missing a piece of your dick. I told you not to piss on my car.” They hopped in Randy’s car and headed to the hospital.

The doctor said to them that the bullet had grazed the flesh just above the femoral artery, and  fortunately nicked the index finger, otherwise it might have taken more that a very tiny piece of flesh from the penis. He was very lucky indeed, the doctor said.  He might have bled to death or been dickless. Then the doctor pointed to the door…

What the Fuck………?

Fucking And Wank – Sister Cities!

I’ll admit it. I still giggle when someone farts. If someone farts at a funeral, I lose my mind completely in paroxysms of laughter that are completely inappropriate and tend to piss of the surviving relatives. I don’t know what it is. In many ways, I’m a mature, thoughtful guy – but the scatological and the sophomoric still tickle me in the worst way. In fact, one of my favorite bar room stories is about when I accidently called Al Gore a fag. Another is how I spent the evening with a hooker instead of the President of the United States. Drop on by the Café, I’ll fill ya in sometime.

But all of this is by way of introduction. Regular readers of this magazine in general, and this page in particular, may have noticed a theme. Along with farts and famous Democrats (the two having much in common these days) I can’t help but bust a gut when it comes to dirty town names. In our last issue, we featured a photograph of a man standing next to the sign at the city limits of Twatt, England. And this month, as you can see, we’re visiting Fucking, Austria.

The residents of Fucking are less amused, as they have one of the most commonly stolen street signs in the world. In fact, last year the 107 residents of Fucking took a vote to decided if they would change the town’s name, but…, they are a bunch of stubborn Fuckers. The Mayor of Fucking, Franz Meindel, was quoted as saying, “We had a vote last year on whether to rename the town, but decided to keep it as it is. After all, Fucking has existed for 800 years, probably when a Mr Fuck or the Fuck family moved into the area. The ‘ing’ was added as a word for settlement.”

Be that as it may, why they decided to include a “Please Not So Fast Because There Are Children” sign, we will never know.

While the citizens of Fucking would like to be left alone, the good people of Wank, Germany (just about 90 miles down the pike) have decided to embrace their self-pleasuring name. Juergen Stoll, a local entrepreneur, has opened the Wank Guest House from which he sells Post Cards and leads tours through the town – visiting all the most important sites, which, as it turns out, are the town’s many public spaces, such as Wank Mountain, the Wankbahn, and Wank Piste – a trail through the Wank Forest.

Flesh Eating Robots! What Fun!

How could anyone in the Defense Department have thought that this was a good idea? They started with a reasonable problem for private market engineers to solve. That problem is as follows: in the  future the world’s armies may face battlefields that have been contaminated by biological, chemical or nuclear weapons; yet, those battlefields will still need to be reconnoitered for intelligence, resources and survivors in the days, months and years after the fact. Working from reasonable parameters, a number of private manufacturers designed drones, but confronted the problem of long term fuel sources. We’d think solar, possibly wind… or whatever the hell they do for those Mars drones, but, nope! Thems are silly liberal solutions. The fire in the belly types at the Department of Defense have finally jumped the shark into the world of creepy and horrific. They have settled on a design by the Robotics Technology, Incorporated called the EATR, the Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot that wields a chainsaw and is powered by “organically based energy sources.” Like people.

After a flurry of bad press, Robotics Technology Incorporated put out a press release announcing that the CHAINSAW WIELDING ROBOTS would only be programmed to eat vegetative waste, not human flesh. Sure.

For the record, Robotics Technology Incorporated has another project called, “The Cognitive Collective” which seeks to develop a “hive like” artificial intelligence in its products.

We’re sure nothing could possible go wrong with this scenario, though, just to be sure, we’re bombarding Linda Hamilton with wedding proposals.

To learn More!

To learn more about Fucking, Wankers or Flesh Eating Robots, please visit us at http://www.lacuadraonline.com/category/wtf. We’ve got links galore to help you plan a vacation or for the Armageddon.

Recently residents of Conisbrough, South Yorkshire, petitioned to have the name of Butt Hole Road changed to Archer’s Way. A denizen of Butt Hole Road, Peter Sutton, who moved into the neighborhood several years ago, at first thought that living on such an unfortunately named lane would be fun, but after half a decade of tourists poking fun at the sign in front of his house – and occasionally dropping trow and posing inelegantly for photo-ops while bent over with their hinders in full view – has soured him on the experience.  His suggestion was to rename the road Button Hole Way, but he is satisfied with the new moniker.

Predictably, an internet campaign has been initiated to return Archer’s Way to it’s “traditional name.” Presumably, this campaign consists largely of individuals who live nowhere near South Yorkshire.

In researching this story, La Cuadra has come upon a wealth of other embarrassing place names in Merry Olde England, including – but not limited to Minge Lane, Upton-upon-Severn; Twatt, Shetland; Sandy Balls, Hampshire; Finringhoe, Essex; Back Passage, London; Shitterton, Dorset; Fanny Hands Lane, Lincolnshire; Funbag Drive, Watford, Beaver Close, Surrey, Felch Square, Wales; Lickfold, West Sussex, Rimswell, East Riding; Spanker Lane, Derbyshire; Cocknmouth Close, Surrey; Friars’ Entry, Oxford; Fine Bush Lane, Ruislip; and Hornyold Road, Malvern.

What is a Butt?

In April of 2009 the City Council of Vero Beach, Florida grappled with a question of profound significance to this resort town – what, exactly, is an ass?  In an effort to define how much skin can legally be exposed on public beaches, the council adopted an official definition of the buttocks. According to the august body a butt is “the area of the rear of the body which lies between two imaginary lines running parallel to the ground when a person is standing, the first or top such line drawn at the top of the nates (i.e. the prominence of the muscles running from the back of the hip to the back of the leg) and the second or bottom line drawn at the lowest visible point of this cleavage or the lowest point of the curvature of the fleshy protuberance, whichever is lower.”

Thank god that’s been resolved!

Get Off My Mom’s Butt!

The 16-year-old daughter of Melanie Arnold, 34 of Torrington, Mass, heard screaming coming from her mother’s bedroom and was determined to race to her assistance. You can see where this is going, right?

Ms. Arnold’s daughter, whose name has been withheld due to her age, called a few friends who sped to the scene, whereupon they proceeded to charge the mother’s bedroom and grabbed a man who turned out to be Arnold’s ex-boyfriend, Robert Swanson, and proceeded to beat him with their fists and a baseball bat.

Obviously, Ms. Arnold had not been screaming because of an assault. Rather, she was expressing her enthusiasm for the sexual skills of Mr. Swanson.

“Instead of asking what was going on, they assumed and took matters into their own hands,” Ms. Arnold said. “Now they have to learn a lesson.”

Assault charges are pending against the teens. Mr. Swanson agreed with the need to press charges. He, too, believes that the kids need to learn a lesson. He was quoted by the AP as saying, “”What if they fight someone else and those guys don’t walk away? What if they kill somebody? Then they’re going to spend the rest of their lives in jail. These kids need to learn, go through the court system and see if you do something to somebody, you see what happens.”

We just hope that if the kids end up in jail, someone WILL come to their assistance in a similar situation.

We’d Like You To Take This Test, But…:

Due to limited space, we’ll just give the facts on this story: In Stuttgart, Germany Demetrius Soupolos and his ex-model wife were trying to get pregnant, without success. So Demetrius hired his next door neighbor, a father of two, to sleep with his wife and impregnate her. They signed a contract, and the neighbor, Frank Maus, coupled with Demetrius’ wife, Traute, a total of 72 times, but with no result. Demetrius demanded his money back, the neighbor refused, but offered to take a fertility test to show that he’d been “working” in good faith.

The results of the test turned out to be a surprise to everyone, with the exception of Maus’ wife. As it turned out, Mr. Maus was sterile and his wife had to admit that the two children he’d been raising for years weren’t actually his.

Ahhhh…What a beautiful world!

All Stories in W.T.F. are researched for at least 7 minutes on line. We encourage you to send submissions, links and photos of your relatives  to:

lacuadra.submissions@gmail.com

A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international industry standards are too large for the majority of Indian men.

The study found that  more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter, on average, by between three and five centimeters.

Aside from all the snickering heard from the Chinese side of the Himalayas, this is a serious public health risk. Doctor Chander Puri, a specialist in reproductive health at the Indian Council of Medical Research told a reporter from BBC that there was an obvious need for country specific, custom made condoms for Indian men.

This is so because, according to the study, one in every five times a condom is used in India it either falls off or tears. That is an extremely high failure rate.

Dr. Puri felt that many men would be embarrassed to ask for smaller condoms from a pharmacist, and suggested that they be made available through vending machines.

Hard Time For Robbery:

On April 15, 2009, Russian Police in Kaluga announced the arrest of a female hairdresser who had kept a would-be robber as her sex slave for two days.

The robber had burst into the hair dresser’s shop, two days before, armed with a shotgun, but not with the knowledge that the proprietor was studying Judo and Tae Kwon Do.

Gracefully, and powerfully, the hairdresser disarmed the robber, dragged him to the basement and bound him to a chair with cords from electric hair-driers.

She returned upstairs and told her clients and employees that she would call the police and that they could leave for the day.

She never made the call.

Rather, she force fed her captive viagra and repeatedly sexually assaulted him for the following 48 hours.

She paid him the equivalent of $25 dollars upon releasing him, and when arrested, appeared surprised that he had turned her in.

The man claimed that his genitals had been damaged during the sexual abuse.

Responded the hairdresser, “That’s ridiculous. We had sex just a couple times. I brought him brand new jeans. I fed him every day and gave him one thousand rubles before his release.”

The robber admitted that the hairdresser fed him royally.

You Love to What?

The Colorado Division of Motor Vehicles turned down a request from a vegan driver for a vanity license that expressed her deep felt love for soybean based food.

She had wanted her license plate to read, ILVTOFU, which could be construed as obscene.

Department spokesman Mark Couch told the Denver Post that “We don’t’ allow FU because some people could read that as street language for sex.”

That was news to Kelley Coffman-Lee, the 36-year-old Centennial woman who simply wanted to promote her love of soybean curd while tooling around town in her Suzuki. “My whole family is vegan so tofu is like a staple for us,” she told the Post. “I was just going to have a cool license plate and the DMV misinterpreted my message.”

Recent Findings:

Human beings are not descended from sponges. Both chickens and bees can count, but only bees experience mid-life crises. Viruses may someday provide a fuel source for automobiles. The Pope is cracking down on Miracles. Faster than light travel is not possible because warp drives are inherently unstable at superluminal speed.

Sorry Scotty, she just can’t do it!

All Stories in W.T.F. are researched for at least 7 minutes on line. We encourage you to send submissions, links and photos of your relatives  to: lacuadra.submissions@gmail.com

]]> http://www.lacuadraonline.com/wtf/wtf/feed/ 1 http://www.lacuadraonline.com/wtf/wtf-march-april-2009/ http://www.lacuadraonline.com/wtf/wtf-march-april-2009/#comments Fri, 10 Apr 2009 23:55:34 +0000 Mr. Snuggles http://lacuadraonline.com/?p=222 PETA-FILES, Part I

Holly Crawford, 34, of Shickshinny, Pennsylvania, was recently arrested for marketing “Gothic kittens” with ear, neck and tail piercings over the Internet. She has been charged with animal cruelty and conspiracy.

Crawford, a dog groomer by trade, was charged after the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA) of Luzerne County received a tip from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) that the kittens were being sold over eBay for hundreds of dollars.

Crawford has said she will plead not guilty.

The Pennsylvanian businesswoman told the Associated Press that she didn’t see any difference between piercing kittens and piercing people. She insisted that she used sterile needles and the kittens were checked several times a day to make sure they were healing properly.

“When I did it, it wasn’t with any cruel intentions,” said Crawford, of rural Ross Township. “They were definitely loved, well-fed, no fleas, clipped nails. And they were happy.”

Daphna Nachminovitch, a vice president for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, called the piercings “barbaric.”

“There’s no excuse for inflicting such pain on an animal that’s the size of your palm,” she said.

SPCA Officer Carol Morrison said the kittens had 14-gauge piercings through their ears and submission rings at the napes of their necks. One kitten’s tail was docked.

Crawford, who, unsurprisingly, sports her own body piercings, said she decided on a whim to pierce the ears and neck of a stray kitten she took in last fall and named Snarley Monster.”

Crawford said her dog-grooming business, Pawside Parlor, has plummeted since the raid and that she has received dozens of nasty phone calls.

“My name’s ruined, my reputation’s ruined, my business is ruined,” she said.

PETA-FILES, Part II

Aside from their good work protecting kittens from piercings, PETA has recently found the time to engage in some of the profound silliness that repeatedly makes animal lovers everywhere cringe collectively.

Specifically, they have launched a new project to eliminate the word fish, and to “re-brand” them as Sea-Kittens.

Ashley Byrne of PETA argues that people need to develop a more advanced sense of empathy with our gilled brothers and sisters.

“Most parents would never dream of spending a weekend torturing kittens for fun with their families, but hooking a Sea-Kitten through the mouth and dragging her through the water is the same as hooking a kitten through the mouth and dragging her behind your car,” Byrne says.

The PETA campaign boasts a colorful, interactive website aimed at children and their parents. It offers Sea -Kitten bedtime stories and a design-your-own Sea-Kitten dress up game in hopes it will build compassion in families. Have a look yourself at http://www.peta.org/sea-kittens.

In a recent interview with some children in an Alaskan fishing village, the Associated Press discovered that PETA may find this rebranding effort an uphill battle. While playing with the Sea Kittens Dress Up Game on the PETA website, Harmony Hanlin, 14, said, “It just doesn’t look right.” Harmony is part of a four generation commercial fishing family. She looked at the cartoon fish and read through the information on the site. Her response was, “They say that they’re intelligent, but they’re not really. They have tiny, tiny little brains. Very miniature.”

PETA has also released a comic book style pamphlet aimed at encouraging children to pressure their parents into caring more for the feelings of fish. The pamphlet is titled, “Your Father Kills Animals.”

It includes the following passage: “Imagine that a man dangles a piece of candy in front of you. As you grab the candy, a huge metal hook stabs through your hand and you’re ripped off the ground. You fight to get away, but it doesn’t do any good. That would be an awful trick to play on someone, wouldn’t it?”

It continues, “Until your Daddy learns that it’s not ‘fun’ to kill, keep your doggies and kitties away from him. He’s so hooked on killing defenseless animals that they could be next!”

Kiddies, they could be next; so La Cuadra suggests that you pierce them up, give them tattoos and teach them how to bite. That’s the only way they’re gonna survive in your house!

In December of 2008, McDonalds Corporation unintentionally stepped into the middle of an international border conflict when its Moroccan franchises included, as a Happy Meal prize, a map of North Western Africa which indicated a national border separating Morocco and the disputed territory of Western Sahara.

The Moroccan government claims sovereignty over Western Sahara, yet these claims remain largely unrecognized.

In an effort to quell the growing controversy, McDonalds issued an apology to the people of Morocco and then pulled the offending maps from the Happy Meals. Then, in an act of corporate sand blindness, they replaced the maps with others indicating the happy unity of the nation and the disputed territory.

Predictably, this ignited another round of unrest amongst Polisario separatists in Western Sahara. Their political front operation issued the following letter to McDonald’s corporate headquarters:

Sirs:

We learned from the press that McDonalds’ Moroccan subsidiary has withdrawn some ‘Happy Meal’ toys including a map with the legally recognized borders between Western Sahara (WS) and Morocco, pretending to replace them with a map including WS inside Moroccan borders. This would mean a clear violation of International Law.

As you are surely aware, WS is a Non-Self-Governing Territory as declared by the UN, militarily invaded and occupied by force by Morocco, whose sovereignty is recognized neither by UN nor by any country in the world. Morocco systematically violates human rights of Saharawi citizens, refusing to accept several UN resolutions and preventing their right to self-determination. This attitude of McDonalds Moroccan subsidiary discredits McDonalds image and reputation.

We urge McDonalds to take the necessary actions to ensure that their Moroccan subsidiary respects and does not violate International Law.

And we urge Ronald to leave international politics to the professional clowns.

Criminally Stupid:

Michelle Allen, pictured above, was arrested in late 2008 for drunk and disorderly conduct. Ms. Allen, 32, of Middletown, Ohio was on a drinking binge after finishing her job at a local, barnyard themed, amusement park. The raging bovine was reportedly impeding traffic and chasing children around a playground when the police arrived. She was released on bail.

Crimes of Fashion:

Daniel Allen Everett, 33, from Clarkston, Michigan, was arrested in a child sex sting earlier in 2008. Everett was led by undercover investigators to believe that he had been having sexually explicit on-line conversations with a 14-year-old girl. Everett grew so comfortable chatting to the “girl” that they arranged a meet. When Everett arrived he was arrested by police who took special note of his tee-shirt which read, “World’s Greatest Dad.”

Happy Ending?:

According to the Northwest Florida Daily News, a Crestview couple recently drove their car to the local Wal-Mart, only to have their vehicle break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he attempted to determine what was wrong. Some time later the wife returned to find a small group of people near the couple’s car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs sticking out from beneath the chassis. The man, while wearing shorts, was not wearing underpants and his genitals were on rather embarrassing public display. Unable to countenance the shame, the woman knelt down and repositioned the offending bits out of public view.

Upon regaining her feet, she looked across the hood of the car and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic required three stitches in his forehead to close the wound.

Brave New Words:

Last month, Langenscheidt Dictionaries of Germany released its 2008 list of favorite new words. The list was headed by the following neologisms:

First place was “Gammelfleischparty,” or “spoiled meat party,” an unflattering term for a gathering of people over 30 years of age. Second was “Bildschirmbraeune” or “screen tan,” referring to the complexion of someone who spends too much time in front of a computer. “Unterhopft,” or “underhopped,” meaning “in need of a beer,” took third.

Richard Anthony Smith, 25 years old and completely bonkers, was discovered dangling by a rope inside the main air conditioning duct of the Knoxville Museum of Art by local police, said department spokesman, Darrell DeBusk. Police received a phone call from Mr. Smith once he became trapped in the duct.

When the police arrived Mr. Smith’s first words were, inscrutably, “Mission Failed.”

Hoisted to the roof and taken to the station, Mr. Smith elaborated on his “mission,” though police became skeptical when he claimed to be a “Special Agent from the United States Illuminati, badge number 0931.” According to Smith, he had been sent by “Director Womack” to “defuse and confiscate” a Russian nuclear warhead, specifically a “MERV6SS-22AN” which was loaded with 14.6 kg of enriched uranium and a plutonium trigger, “capable of delivering a 40 kiloton yield.”  The bomb, Director Womack had assured Agent Smith, was hidden in a blue, plastic cow sculpture stored in the museum’s basement.

However, while descending the air-conditioning shaft, Smith claimed to have received a phone call from the Illuminati who indicated that their information may have been mistaken – and that the bomb might be hidden in a small, plastic cow sculpture in the Memphis Museum. With his mission compromised, and himself quite stuck, Smith decided to call 911.

He currently faces a charge of aggravated burglary.

Dirty Karma

Four children stole a donations box that had been set out to raise funds for the maintenance of portable toilets on the grounds of the River Place Park in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. The kids, ranging in age from 9 to 15 years, led police on a footrace towards a nearby wooded area. Three of the young criminals were apprehended but the fourth escaped into the forest where he fell directly into the receiving pit of a latrine that had been dug by the local homeless community.

Super-Creepy!

Timothy Placko of Port St. Lucie, Florida had pulled over on the side of a dark and wooded road when he was approached by police.

The police searched the vehicle and found a blond wig, rope, binoculars, a small machete, several knives, gloves, two bullet casings and a film canister that contained 18 human teeth. On the passenger’s seat was a stack of sonograms that Placko claimed to have downloaded from the internet. He originally told police that he had pulled over to call his girlfriend – but then admitted that his girlfriend had recently broken up with him and he wasn’t trying to call anyone.

He was charged with carrying a concealed weapon.

That’s Insane!

Federal Judge, Orlando Garcia of San Antonio, Texas, ordered a last minute stay of execution for Jeffrey Wood based on concerns for his sanity. Judge Garcia argued that the evidence of Mr. Wood’s insanity merited a hearing on the issue but state law held that the burden was upon the accused to prove his insanity before the courts would hear a case to determine his sanity.

That, Garcia said, is “an insane system.” .

Ah, Sweet Jaysus!

Under pressure from the Catholic Church, BritishInsurance.com withdrew a policy it had written for three nuns in Inverness, Scotland. The nuns – whose names are being withheld – had each paid £100 annually since the year 2000 to insure against the costs associated with the raising a Christ Child if any of them were to immaculately conceive. The burden of proof that it was a virgin birth was to rest with the women.

Managing Director of BritishInsurance.com, Simon Burgess, said, “The Catholic Church is up in arms at what we’ve been doing. We have withdrawn the coverage as it has been causing a furor.” The payment was set for 1 million pounds.

Recent Findings?

Chinese zoo keepers have claimed success in breeding giant pandas by showing them images of other pandas having sex. Human beings may be descended from Hobbits. Vampire bat bites may prevent strokes. It is illegal to feed homeless people in Las Vegas. Satanic Leaf-Tailed Geckos like group sex.

All Stories in W.T.F. are researched for at least 7 minutes on line. We encourage you to send submissions, links and photos of your relatives  to: lacuadra.submissions@gmail.com

]]> http://www.lacuadraonline.com/wtf/wtf-november-december-2008/feed/ 0 http://www.lacuadraonline.com/wtf/wtf-september-october-2008/ http://www.lacuadraonline.com/wtf/wtf-september-october-2008/#comments Sat, 20 Sep 2008 04:03:24 +0000 Michael Tallon http://www.lacuadraonline.com/?p=614 New Discoveries!

Medical staff in a Brazilian hospital brought the effects of a bite from the Wandering Spider (Phoneutria nigriventer) to the attention of researchers in the United States. If a male mammal is bitten by the spider he will experience an increase in blood pressure, overall body aches and a painful erection lasting several hours.

Hospital staff said that the erection makes diagnosis of the Wandering Spider’s bite relatively simple given the loose fitting, light weight clothing normally worn in the tropics.

Romulo Leite of the Medical College in Georgia recently presented a paper to the American Physiological Society, excitedly stating that, “The erection is a side effect that everyone who gets stung by this spider will experience… we’re hoping, eventually, this will end up in the development of real drugs for the treatment of erectile dysfunction.”

In their research, Leite’s team separated out the different components of the spider’s venom by running tests on lab rats. Venom treated rats were stimulated into the beginnings of an erection and then a tiny needle-like device was inserted into each rat’s penis to measure the pressure change within.

It was reported to be significant.

Great Moments In Sports:

Just before the Beijing Olympics the Spanish Basketball Federation published a “good luck” advertisement of their men’s basketball team standing shoulder to shoulder while pulling at the sides of their faces in a “chinky-eye” gesture.

Strangely, this led to accusations of racism and almost immediately to recollections of the Spanish Football coach, Luis Aragones, calling French striker, Thierry Henry, a “black shit” during the recent World Cup .

Argument for Censorship:

This summer a Moldovan man named Alexandru Bognibov attempted to enter a song celebrating the virtues of pedophilia in the Eurovision Song Contest. Bognibov sees nothing wrong with the song, considering it a celebration of his nation’s cultural tradition of having sex with underage girls. The song, entitled “I Love the Girls,” includes the line, “I love the girls of thirteen years old. They put their arms around me and I’m going down, down.”  He resolves the song with a strong ending, growling in heavily accented English, “I laavvv ze guurlz.”

The song was removed from the competition after complaints from, well, everybody.

Dumb Criminals:

A Houston, Texas man was recently sentenced to 35 years in prison after prosecutors said that he fatally stabbed his roommate because of his overpowering foot odor.

William Antonio Serrano, 23, pleaded no contest to the murder of Noel Quintanilla-Vaquero, 21, in May.

During sentencing Mr. Serrano cried as he told District Judge Mike Anderson that he had acted in self-defense.

Noting that no weapon, other than Serrano’s knife, had been found at the scene, the district attorney attempted to explain to reporters what Mr. Serrano had meant by his claim of self-defense, “The defendant said that the victim had smelly feet.”

Hi Ho! It’s Off To Jail You Go!

On August 14, thirty- two unionized workers at Disneyland, “The Happiest Place on Earth,” were arrested for disobeying a police officer during a protest designed to call attention to poor working conditions. Officers swooped down on the group as they demonstrated over Disney’s treatment of hotel workers outside the Disneyland complex in Anaheim.

The arrests, which also included Cinderella, Tinker Bell, Peter Pan, Snow White, Aladdin and Minnie Mouse – along with dozens of other less famous Disneyland employees -  came during a march by hundred of maids, cooks and dishwashers from three Disney hotels.

The workers’ contract expired in February and their union said that the latest offers from the company would create an unfair two-tiered wage system and place healthcare beyond the reach of employees.

Before the arrests, the demonstrators chanted outside Paradise Pier, holding signs that read, “Disney is unfaithful,” and “Mickey, shame on you.”

We agree.

]]> http://www.lacuadraonline.com/wtf/wtf-september-october-2008/feed/ 0 http://www.lacuadraonline.com/wtf/wtf-july-august-2008/ http://www.lacuadraonline.com/wtf/wtf-july-august-2008/#comments Mon, 28 Jul 2008 01:50:14 +0000 Michael Tallon http://www.lacuadraonline.com/?p=791

Mr. In God We Trust

What’s in a Name?:

Recently a New Mexico man was denied his petition to legally change his name to “Fuck Censorship.”  The three judge panel ruled that they were not interfering with his freedom of speech, noting that he could call himself whatever he liked, but that the state had a compelling reason to deny the change because it would not, “comport with common decency.”

The same court had allowed, in 2004 the same petitioner to change his name from “Snaphappy Fishsuit Mokiligon” to it current form, the single word, “Variable.”

However, a school bus driver and amateur artist from the Chicago suburb of Zion was allowed to legally change his name, Steve Kreuscher (CROY-Shirz), to In God We Trust. With the change, Mr. We Trust will take the first name, In God. At the court house he explained to reporters that his name change was meant to symbolize the help that God gave to him during recent tough times. He has made no public indication as to why he has become plural.

Stupid Criminals, Part I:

A Fort Worth, Texas man named Don Enos, 57, had a reasonable plan when he walked into the downtown bank carrying a handgun and wearing a disguise (a fake beard and mustache with a wig). Mr. Enos reportedly told an employee:  “This is a robbery. I want the money from the drive-thru and the money from the cash register.”

After getting the cash, Enos – who, apparently, had taken a taxi to the bank – realized he didn’t have a get away vehicle. He asked the teller to drive him home, but she refused. The teller then offered to give Enos her keys, saying that her car was in the parking lot. It wasn’t.

After trying the key in every car and realizing he had been foiled, Enos attempted to steal the car of a woman at the drive-thru ATM. She asked if she would pull up a few feet and Enos agreed. She just kept driving.

“Smart lady,” said Lt. Paul Henderson.

Enos then attempted to steal the car of another woman who asked for a few minutes to get her children out of the back seat. Enos agreed, and while he was distracted by her actions, two men from inside the bank and two bystanders on the street tackled him and held him until the police arrived.

Lt. Henderson was quoted as saying, “he probably picked the wrong date to commit a bank robbery. Everything went wrong.”

Stupid Criminals, Part II:

Two men were recently detained at the Costa Rican / Panamanian border when they were found carrying $372,000 in cash. Police said that the two men appeared nervous after their car was stopped. Officials searched the vehicle and found the cash in a briefcase. When questioned by the police as to the reason they were carrying such a large amount of money, one of the men explained that they wanted to buy some bananas.

Bananas are currently valued at approximately $1.65 per pound in Costa Rica. The men are currently being held on suspicion of money laundering.

Recent Findings:

According to recent field studies, LiveScience.com reports that homosexuality is far more prevalent in the Animal Kingdom than previously believed. The long list of animals that practice homosexual sex include bears, penguins, gorillas and dolphins. Scientist are left with a riddle, however. The sexual activity is not procreative, so there must be another mechanism at play.

Theories include that the behavior may strengthen bonds, or that it could be practice for heterosexual sex.

In October of 2007 a multi-national team of marine biologists discovered that the a full moon in spring time triggers a specific photo-receptor in coral which in turn triggers the release of sperm and eggs.

In the ocean the coral sperm fertilizes the coral eggs which then fall to the sea floor to, hopefully, lead to the formation of new colonies.

If conditions are persistently unfriendly to sexual procreation, coral have the ability to reproduce asexually.

Women wearing bikinis have been proven to reduce the cognitive abilities of men who see them – leading to more impulsive and self-damaging decisions.

Octopuses in the wild have violent, kinky sexual lives.

Cow urine may cure diabetes.

A man in Van Buren, Arkansas was recently arrested for kidnapping and beating his mother after her dog ate his pet skunk.