L.A. Noir

Ho Ho! That IS A Knee-Slapper!

2013-03-29T15:09:00.001-07:00

Los Angeles, CA

Dark days, my friends. Dark days, indeed! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that terrible viper of abuse has reared its ugly head to destroy your families, shatter the lives of all you hold dear!

But fret not! For with all other drugs swept away, and all problems of abuse solved, Federal and local law enforcement agencies have set their sites on this scourge! This most ignoble of gasses! The dreaded NITROUS-OXIDE!

Seriously. They're cracking down on Whip-Its. As opposed to whippets, which the L.A. Times does not seem to realize is a particular type of dog. Man, if you're huffing a whippet just go drown yourself in shame right now.

Last week a joint taskforce of the LASD and assorted Federal agencies went after 17 business and nine delivery vehicles for selling nitrous.

They called this... wait for it... Operation No Laughing Matter.

Good fucking Christ. What, is it suddenly 1968 again? Is Nixon in office?

Is Nitrous dangerous? Well, yeah, of course it is. There's this little problem of oxygen deprivation, which is a direct cause of being "too fucking stupid to live". The technical term is asphyxiation. Put your dick in your hands, a tie round your neck and suddenly you get to slap "auto-erotic" in front of that.

Other side effects? Well... B-12 deficiency? Problems in pregnancy after chronic exposure? A particular type of cerebral lesion after several hours. Oh, wait, no. That's only in rats.

But addiction, right? It's gotta be... No? No addiction? Huh.

So why is this shit illegal again? Oh, wait. In many places it isn't. Seems in California possession is a misdemeanor. In fact, it's not even classified as a drug. It's handled by the FDA under the Food Drug and Cosmetics Act. In fact, a violation of that law is what some of these people got hit for. And not having it, it's used in welding, after all, but for mis-branding it.

This is up there with L.A. county going after raw milk distributors a few years ago. Come on, if you're going to have a crackdown on something, try cracking down on something that isn't stupid.

You know, for a change.

Imagine This At The Siege Of Antioch

2013-02-27T09:21:00.001-08:00

Mexicali, Mexico

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a marvel of modern engineering! A device so useful, so simple, so absolutely ingenious that it boggles the mind!

Behold! It is The Mexican Weed Cannon!

That's right. Police in Mexicali seized a pick-up truck mounted air cannon that they say has been used to lob packages of marijuana over the border and into the lucrative markets of the United States.

But is it, really? Maybe these are tests for something less sinister? I don't know about you, but I see that and think Fifteenth Century Siege Weapon. I mean, come on, in the back of a pick-up it's more mobile than a trebuchet, easier to aim and fire than a bombard and would look really badass at the next SCA get together. Toss some duct tape and burlap around it, slap on your Kingdom's colors and go to town, baby!

Because marijuana cannon? That's just stupid. I mean, what's gonna happen? Will they get their scattered, poorly aimed product to the markets they want? Or are they just all going to get picked up by Arizona State Troopers?

That's a trick question, by the way.

Noir At The Bar L.A. #10!

2013-02-22T10:18:00.000-08:00

That's right, folks. We got another Noir At The Bar comin' at ya. Our tenth, in fact. Yep, we've been doing this since July 2011 and we're not planning on slowing down.

Sunday night, March 24th at 7:00pm at The Mandrake Bar (2692 S La Cienega Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90034).

Yeah, we'll be starting earlier than usual for this one. The bar's got something else going on at 9:00.

For those of you who don't know, Noir At The Bar L.A. is a semi-monthly reading event where we have a handful of crime authors read their shit to a room full of drunks and a good time is had by all.

This month's line-up: Todd Morr (CAPTAIN COOKER), Josh Stallings (ALL THE WILD CHILDREN), Todd Robinson (THE HARD BOUNCE) and me, reading from DEAD THINGS.

So come on down, get your drink on and booze it up with a bunch of hard-boiled miscreants.

The Dead Lady In The Water Tank Story Just Got A LOT Weirder

2013-02-20T11:39:00.001-08:00

Los Angeles, CA

Police have confirmed that the body of the woman discovered yesterday in the rooftop water tank of the Cecil Hotel is in fact that of Elisa Lam of Vancouver, Canada, who was last seen at the hotel on January 31st.

She was discovered there after hotel residents complained of water pressure issues. Seems she was clogging the pipes, or something. No word on how long she's been in there or how much she... uh... contaminated the building's water.

One of the weird things about this is that the police still aren't sure that there's any foul play involved. Why, I'm not really not sure. Presumably there aren't marks on her body indicative of such. Whatever their reasons they're not saying just yet.

That of course begs the question, "How did she get into the tank?" something we may never get an answer to.

To make things even more confusing / creepy we have some video footage from the elevator taken some time before her death (hat tip to the L.A. Weekly.

Clearly there's something going on here. She's obviously distraught, though over what it's impossible to tell. There's something going on outside of the frame. Also, the doors opening and closing in the latter parts of the video, not to mention the strangely long time it takes for them to close in the first place, just adds to the freak-the-fuck-out factor.

I'm not about to guess as to what this means. There are very capable men and women on the LAPD who are scratching their heads over this right now, I'm sure, not to mention an army of Internet watchers and armchair forensic scientists picking this video apart.

However, I would like to leave you with this. The Cecil has, as much of Skid Row and Downtown's Historic Core, quite the quite the storied history.

And that's not even getting into the ghosts.

It's Shit Like This That Makes People Drink Evian

2013-02-19T15:50:00.001-08:00

Los Angeles, CA

The thing about staying in hotels is that you have to worry about things you don't necessarily need to when you stay at home. Bed bugs, for example. Loud, grunty sex next door. Maids stealing your shit. Dead bodies in the plumbing.

This morning, after hearing a complaint of low water pressure, an employee of the Cecil Hotel in Downtown Los Angeles checked the building's rooftop water tanks and discovered a body inside. It is believed to be that of Elisa Lam of Vancouver, Canada, who went missing a few weeks ago and was last seen January 31st at the hotel.

Police can't officially confirm it's her until the coroner's taken a look, but it's a pretty good bet.

Assuming it's Lam and she went into the tank the day she disappeared that means she's been in the building's water supply for two and a half weeks.

Corpse water.

Think about that the next time you stay in a hotel.

No, Seriously. Stay Away From This Guy

2013-02-07T08:58:00.000-08:00

Corona, CA

Christopher Jordan Dorner, 33, is wanted in the shooting of three police officers, one fatally, and the murders of a college basketball coach and her fiance.

Oh, and he's an ex-LAPD officer.

Here's the gist. Apologies if it gets complicated. Crazy so often does.

Seems Mr. Dorner filed a complaint against his training officer a while back and was let go. Monica Quan, the daughter of Randy Quan, the officer who was Dorner's representative in his disciplinary hearing, was murdered along with her fiance over the weekend.

This morning someone, presumably Dorner took a shot at a couple of officers working a protection detail, wounding one of them.

Then, not long after someone, also presumably Dorner, ambushed a couple of Riverside police officers in their car, killing one and seriously wounding the other.

How do they know it's Dorner? Easy. His manifesto, of course.

It's long. It's a manifesto, of course it's long. But here's one of the more choice passages.

The Violence of action will be HIGH. I am the reason TAC alert was established. I will bring unconventional and asymmetrical warfare to those in LAPD uniform whether on or off duty. ISR is my strength and your weakness. You will now live the life of the prey. Your RD's and homes away from work will be my AO and battle space. I will utilize every tool within INT collections that I learned from NMITC in Dam Neck. You have misjudged a sleeping giant. There is no conventional threat assessment for me. JAM, New Ba'ath party, 1920 rev BGE, ACM, AAF, AQAP, AQIM and AQIZ have nothing on me. Do not deploy airships or gunships. SA-7 Manpads will be waiting. As you know I also own Barrett .50's so your APC are defunct and futile.

Did I mention he was in the military? He was in the military.

He is, in a word, troubled. In two words, batshit crazy. Or is that three? Is it hyphenated? I can never remember. Asshole, isn't though, is it? Ass-hole? Asshole?

Whatever. Guy's off his fucking nut and the CHP has issued a 9-county alert looking for this guy's car.

He's driving a 2005 blue or gray Nissan Titan. California license plate is either 8D83987 or 7X09131. Black, 33 years old, 6 feet tall, 270 pounds.

Assume that he is armed. With BIG FUCKING GUNS. The cops certainly are. They've already over-reacted to a blue pickup in Torrance and shot two people who, surprise! aren't Dorner.

So tensions are a touch high. If you see the gentleman in question, stay the fuck away from him, call the cops and get to cover. Even if he doesn't shoot you, the cops might.

You really don't want to be caught in a cross-fire.

Where The Wild Things Aren't

2013-01-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles, CA

Crime has been dropping steadily in Los Angeles for the last ten years. How much?

Well, to use homicides as an example, in 1991 the CITY of Los Angeles, not County, clocked in at 1025 murders.

In 2012? 298.

That's a drop of about 340%.

Year	Homicides	Year	Homicides
1991	1025	2002	645
1992	1092	2003	506
1993	1077	2004	518
1994	850	2005	490
1995	838	2006	481
1996	707	2007	398
1997	566	2008	388
1998	419	2009	314
1999	432	2010	297
2000	548	2011	298
2001	605	2012	298

And because I just love me some charts, take a look at this Matterhorn-like plunge.

Impressive ain't it?

So impressive, in fact, that the New York Daily News has declared that Los Angles is now the safest big city in America. Who'da thunk?

Now I don't know if that's necessarily true. I haven't looked at numbers from the rest of the nation. And it's not like we're not still pretty jacked up out here. We still have a fuckton of crime.

It's hard to draw comparisons between cities. Compared to, say, New York, L.A. has about a third the number of police (~10K versus ~27K) and half the population. But the geography and policing challenges are different, so it's not apples to apples.

Either way, it's good news. I'd really rather not see the Nineties again.

The Thing That Should Scare You Is That This Isn't New

2012-12-28T07:00:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles, CA

Los Angeles has been doing a gun buyback program for a few years now after other cities like Compton had so much success with theirs. The idea is that you show up, drop off a gun and get a gift card for things like groceries, toys, electronics, that sort of thing. All of this is no questions asked. In 2005, the year Compton started their program, they pulled in 220 guns.

The other day, L.A. did a collection and pulled in 2,037 guns, including 75 assault weapons, and...

Two rocket launchers.

Yep. A couple of light anti-tank weapons. They're "non-functioning" in the sense that they didn't have any actual rockets. Granted, getting hold of said rockets is not a simple thing. But, come on. ROCKET LAUNCHERS. This is military ordnance designed to take out a tank.

The fact that there were a couple of LAWs floating around is bad enough, but the problem I really have with this is that it's happened before.

Yep, back in May L.A. had another buyback and pulled a rocket launcher in with that one, too.

The fact that there are rocket launchers out there being turned in for groceries makes me wonder what else is out there. One is a fluke. Three in less than a year is not.

The number of guns being turned in is growing every year. Are we going to start seeing more military hardware alongside all the AK knockoffs and Saturday night specials? RPGs? Maybe a Claymore or two?

On the one hand, I hope so, because this shit needs to get off the street. On the other hand I hope not, but only if that means it isn't there to begin with.

If The Name Fits

2012-12-13T07:00:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles, CA

Everybody's got a schtick these days. Every comic's got their own brand of rubber chicken, every porn star's got their signature cum face, every politician has their own particular way of fucking you in the ass. But none so much as your lowly petty criminal.

Every bank robber gets a name based on some identifying characteristic. Goofy Hat, Floppy Hat, Overweight, Weather Girl, Irreconcilable Differences, Tic-Tac, Enormous Ears, WWF Shotgun, Cuecard and, my personal favorite, The Geezer.

But now we're seeing small fry getting in on the act. Seems there's a guy in the West Valley who's been hitting places with a lot less dough than your typical bank; Starbucks, Coffee Bean, Subway. Not places known for having vaults overflowing with cash.

His gimmick? He asks for a job application, pulls a gun and then walks with the contents of the register and safe. What are they calling him? The Job App Bandit, of course.

Seems an awful lot of work to me. I mean, why ask for the job application? Why give them time to memorize your face? Walk in, wave the gun around, get in, get out.

The hoodie-wearing African American man they're looking for is in his 20s, around 5 feet, 6 inches, 150 pounds, with large, dark-frame glasses, a dark backpack and a Raiders beanie.

Sure, there's no picture, but that's a better description than you usually get. And the people giving the description are scared shitless because some asshole's shoving a gun in their faces.

Anyway, if you happen to work in a Starbucks keep an eye out for this guy and watch out if he asks you for a job. Clearly he's already got one.

Say A Prayer And Check The List - The Mass Grave of Los Angeles

2012-12-05T08:40:00.001-08:00

Los Angeles, CA

Today, 1,656 people will be buried in the Potter's Field at the Evergreen Cemetery in Boyle Heights. They've been sitting in morgue drawers and then as collections of ashes for the last couple of years. These are the unclaimed, the unknown. These are the people who have come to the L.A. County Coroner's office and never left. They are the homeless, the homicides, the suicides, the people who have no next of kin. They are old men found in alleys and babies in dumpsters. They are drifters and locals. Common men and women who have no families, or none who are willing to speak up for them.

As such they don't get a grave to call their own, many don't even have names. Just a hole in the ground with the ashes of their morgue-mates.

This happens every December. After lingering in the morgue for two to three years hoping for identification, the bodies are cremated and, with as much respect as is possible, placed into a single grave.

The number goes up and down but it hovers around 1,600 to 1,700 people every year. The books get closed and the only thing that remains of the people they once were is a case number and maybe a photo in the County Unidentified Person's List.

If you know, or know of, someone who has gone missing in Los Angeles County, check that list. They have records going back to 1907. People disappear here all the time. Harrowing, yes. But sometimes it's better to know than not.

Not Exactly The Blackboard Jungle

2012-11-28T09:46:00.001-08:00

The California Department of Justice’s Criminal Justice Statistics Center released some interesting numbers for last year. Juvenile arrests are down by 20%, the lowest they've been since they started keeping track in 1954.

And we're talking across the board here. Homicides, rapes, violent assaults, property crime, the works. Drug arrests dropped a whopping 47% in the last year.

The report cites several possible reasons, but here's the one that really jumps out. Pot laws.

See, back in 2010 California passed SB 1449, which changed the laws around possession of an ounce or less of marijuana from a misdemeanor requiring an arrest, court date, jail time, etc. into (in most circumstances) an infraction.

You know, a ticket.

The effect?

The 2011 reform did reduce youth marijuana possession arrests by 61% in one year, from nearly 15,000 in 2010 to 5,800 in 2011, reducing overall drug and total arrests in tandem.

61%. Imagine that.

Now there are all sorts of arguments around this. It really depends on whether you see marijuana as the blight on society the same way Nixon did. I mean, technically, nothing's changed in the behavior. The kids are still getting high on reefer and listening to that devil jazz, or whatever the hell kids do when they're lighting up. Play the piano scene from Reefer Madness on an endless loop? Fuck, I don't know.

But a drop in arrests of 61% is important. That's 61% fewer kids sitting in a County jail cell. That's 61% fewer kids getting run through the state court system. That's 61% fewer kids learning to be better criminals in jail, or getting preyed upon by other inmates. That's 61% fewer kids finding out their lives are screwed before they even started.

And it's cheaper for the state. You want change? Hit the wallet. That almighty bottom line drives everything.

Don't Order The Soup

2012-09-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

Lomita, CA

Dawn Viens, the wife of Thyme Contemporary Cafe owner David Viens, went missing last year.

When David discovered that he was a suspect in her murder he tried to kill himself by throwing himself off a cliff in Palos Verdes, but survived.

Cops dug up the restaurant, went through the house. Couldn't find the body.

And now we have a pretty good idea why.

Prosecution has a recorded confession that popped up in court the other day of Mister Viens saying that not only did he kill her (he says it was an accident), but he got rid of the body by boiling it for four days until the meat just sort of floated off the bones. He mixed it with restaurant waste, tossed it down the grease pit and scattered the rest around town. The only piece he said he kept was her skull, which is supposedly in his mother's attic, but the cops haven't found it.

Wow. That's really fucked up. I mean, four days? Was the restaurant open at the time? Did people actually eat there while the body boiling was going on? I'm assuming the restaurant was a one man operation because I can't imagine you'd be able to hide that from your employees. God forbid they think it's the day's special and...

Ya know, I'm not even gonna finish that thought.

His Lazy Eye Brings All The Girls To The Yard

2012-09-13T16:16:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles, CA

L.A. has a lot of faults, chief among them the myth that the city can make you a star. That somehow the glam and glitter of days gone by will rub off on you and leave you transformed. Men and women, boys and girls come from all over to hopefully get a chance to make it big. More often than not they're left battered and broken on the Walk of Fame.

It's easy to chalk it up to naivete, and for some of them yes, that's exactly the problem. But for others it's a burning desire to be famous, to be important. In short to be validated. And really, isn't that what we're all looking for? Validation?

It doesn't help that when you have an army of ready-made victims stepping off the Greyhound from Kansas every twenty minutes that you inevitably have the predators who want to feed off a piece of their souls.

Like Anthony Augustus Jefferson, or DJ Tone, who is wanted by the San Bernardino Police Department for sexual battery by false pretenses, false impersonation, indecent exposure, and theft.

He's allegedly been hitting up models and actresses claiming to be a talent agent in tight with rappers who have likely never heard of him and getting them to pay "business expenses", promising to reimburse the women and then disappearing in a cloud of cartoon dollar signs.

To make matters worse two women have filed claims that they had were fooled into having sex with him as part of "auditions". I'm willing to bet they're not the only ones.

He's a real catch. Like a walleyed pike.

So if you know the whereabouts of Anthony, or have been the unfortunate recipient of his attentions, give Detective Rodrigues of the Bakersfield Police Department at 661-326-3870. He could use the help.

Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

2012-09-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles, CA

Say you've just robbed a bank. And it's not going well.

You've got cops crawling up your ass like they're looking for polyps. You've got helicopters buzzing overhead like pissed off vultures. The news crews are tracking you on iPhone apps and your options are dropping faster than Dotcom stock options.

You know what you need? A diversion. Something you can toss out behind you to make things worse for the cops. Like that chaff stuff on fighter jets.

But all you've got are these huge wads of cash...

Some guys knocked over a Bank of America this morning in Sylmar and took the cops on a merry jaunt that led them down near USC before they started chucking cash out of the car.

Didn't take the locals long to figure out what was going on, resulting in:

FREE MONEY!

That's right, the street filled up during a police pursuit with people looking to get hold of some sweet, sweet Benjamins. Like tossing chum out for the sharks.

Didn't help the bank robbers any. A couple who broke off on foot in Sylmar got away, but the rest got picked up by Sheriff's deputies when they, surprise, hit traffic.

You know one of the big questions in the interrogation room is going to be, "Which one of you geniuses thought this was a good idea?"

I don't think anybody's going to admit to that one.

Kidnapping And Bank Robbery - Two Bad Tastes That Taste Terrifying Together

2012-09-05T14:18:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles, CA

You know how in the movies somebody straps dynamite to somebody and tells them that if they don't rob a bank for them that they'll set it off?

Turns out that happens in real life, too.

Two masked men kidnapped the manager of a local Bank of America last night, strapped what they said was a bomb to her stomach and sent into an East L.A. branch with instructions to toss bags of money out the door.

Unsurprisingly, she did exactly that. I mean, what the hell is she going to do?

Once the bank robbers took off with the money the other people in the bank called the bomb squad, who promptly showed up and got rid of the device. No word yet on whether it was, in fact, a bomb.

It's happened before. Sadly, it'll probably happen again. Why? Because people are assholes.

Why can't they use, I don't know, weasels, or something? Weasels are terrifying. With their pointed teeth and Riki-Tiki-Tavi dance moves. "We're gonna strap these weasels to your nethers and unless you rob that bank we'll douse you with Drakkar Noir, which will send the weasels into a frenzy whereupon they will chew through your pants and devour your tender nibbly bits."

Yeah, that's a little too complicated, isn't it?

Man, I miss the Geezer Bandit. At least he was classy.

And Now Onto The Organ Harvesting Portion Of Our Show

2012-06-11T07:16:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles, CA

There's a lot of trash on the sidewalks of Los Angeles. You can find all kinds of shit sitting in the gutter. Empty 40's of Colt .45, crack vials, used condoms, syringes.

And lungs.

L.A. Sheriff's Deputies responded to a call of a pair of lungs on the sidewalk in South Los Angeles last night around 8:30.

And when they got there, they looked at 'em and realized that they in fact do appear to be a pair of lungs. But accuracy is important in things like this and they're hedging their bets.

According to Sgt. Robert Dean of the LASD, "We don't know what they are," Dean said. "It's really weird."

They're not entirely sure that they're real, are actually lungs or are, in fact, even human. And now the L.A. County Coronor is taking over and will see if they're something like goat lungs or if we need to start worrying about serial killers who can't keep track of their internal organs.

My money's on goat, but a boy can dream.

Now That's A Half-Time Show

2012-05-30T15:14:00.000-07:00

Movies are big in L.A., in case you hadn't noticed. All types of movies. Summer blockbusters, RomComs, quirky indie hipster fare, gangbang porn films that cause a stink because they're filmed at the Coliseum.

Back in 2001 the adult film company Anabolic Video filmed The Gangbang Girl #32, with Kimberly Franklin as The Slutty Cheerleader, Gauge and Sienna as the Bitchy and Upset Stranded Girls respectively and Mr. Marcus as the Chief Perverted Mechanic/Football Player 9.

Bit of trivia, Mr. Marcus is a big fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Anyway, the problem is that in order for them to have filmed at the Coliseum and have access to the lights and grounds they would have needed permission. You don't just wander into the place and throw a switch and hope you can get done filming before the cops show up.

The cops, in fact, did show up. In a helicopter. And hovered there a bit while they were filming. Beats chasing liquor store robbers in South Central, I suppose.

Personally, I don't see the big deal. Fucking is legal. Filming fucking is legal. Last time I checked filming lots of people fucking was legal. And even when it's not it's often a pretty gray area. Hell, when the Times asked the California attorney general if it was illegal to film porn on state property, even they didn't know.

Now this would just be an embarrassing little blip on the radar except that this comes on the heels of last year's resignation of Coliseum General Manager Patrick Lynch, who, along with ex-events manager Todd DeStefano, was indicted this past March in a whopper of a corruption case involving kickbacks, bribery, embezzlement, conspiracy, the works.

So who authorized the video company's use of the Coliseum? And how much did they pay for the privilege?

And into whose pocket did the money go?

Be interesting to see if this shows up in Lynch's and DeStefano's hearings. The idea that a bunch of jurors will have to sit through a gangbang picture during a corruption trial makes me ridiculously happy.

They might not like it, though. It only got a 5.6 rating on IMDB.

Round Up The Usual Suspects - Noir At The Bar Returns

2012-05-04T11:57:00.000-07:00

We're at it again, folks.

Noir At The Bar is back on May 20th at The Mandrake Bar in Culver City.

We've got another stellar lineup. Lisa Brackmann (GETAWAY, ROCK, PAPER, TIGER), Eric Stone (SHANGHAIED, FLIGHT OF THE HORNBILL), Brett Battles (THE DESTROYED, NO RETURN), Fingers Murphy (FOLLOW THE MONEY, THE FLAMING MOTEL) and Mystery Dawg.

Eric Beetner's got some short film he wants to show y'all. I have no idea what it is.

Here's hoping there are boobs in it.

And, of course, Mysterious Galaxy will be in the house selling some books.

We open up at 8:00pm and readings start at 9:00. That'll give you a chance to get your drink on. Partway through we'll have a short break so you can do a line in the bathroom grab another beer and stay good and drunk.

Because if you're not getting drunk, what the fuck are you doing in a bar in the first place?

Twenty Years Ago I Was Directing Traffic. How About You?

2012-04-29T07:27:00.004-07:00

Today marks the twentieth anniversary of the 1992 Los Angeles riots. Four officers of the LAPD stood trial for the brutal beating of Rodney King a year before. All four were acquitted of assault charges and three were acquitted of excessive force.

And L.A. burned because of it.

The city went batshit for the next six days. Fifty-three people dead, 2000 injured. Over 3600 fires destroyed 1100 buildings and dealt almost a billion dollars in damages. The National Guard was called out. Marines came up from Pendleton.

And a lot of people risked their lives to help others.

Reginald Denny was pulled from his truck on the corner of Normandie and Florence and beaten within an inch of his life by a pissed off mob. There were no police to help him.

Instead, after seeing the scene played out on the news as it was being filmed by a helicopter, a lone, unarmed man, Bobby Green Jr., drove to the scene and pulled Denny to safety.

A few minutes later, at the same intersection, Fidel Lopez was beaten into unconsciousness and would have died if not for Reverend Bennie Newton, who put himself between the mob and Lopez telling them that if they were going to kill the man, they'd have to kill him, too.

I got stuck on Lincoln Boulevard heading home. I've never seen traffic so bad before or since, which is saying something for L.A. Horrible gridlock. People panicking. At one point I got out of my car and helped another guy direct traffic just so we could get cars moving.

Hardly heroic, but I'd like to think it helped a little bit.

On this twentieth anniversary of a really shitty week I don't want to think about the looting, the fires or the people who did terrible things out of anger and frustration. I don't want to dwell on the race problems and bullshit politics that made the riots possible. I don't want to focus on the problems that are still apparent, and the inequalities that set L.A. on fire.

I think about that shit every fucking day.

Today I want to remember the men and women who did the right thing. Who went out of their way to help their friends, neighbors and total strangers. I want to remember the people who put themselves in harm's way. The paramedics and firefighters, the police who put themselves in the line of fire to keep them alive, the doctors and nurses who drove into a war zone to do their jobs, the civilians who crossed their fingers, kept their heads down and did what they could.

So do me a favor, would you? Help somebody out today. Make someone's life a little better. Give 'em a hug, buy 'em a beer. Stand up for somebody less fortunate. Fight for somebody's equality. Pull somebody out of the gutter.

Big things, small things, I don't care. Just make the world a better place, would ya?

Thanks.

The Condom Police They Live Inside Of Your Head

2012-04-19T12:34:00.002-07:00

Los Angeles, CA

Earlier this year L.A. passed an ordinance requiring the use of condoms at location porn shoots done inside city limits. That's a pretty hefty number. They don't call this place Porn Valley for nothin'.

There have been some pretty major health scares in the industry over the last few years and the Adult Industry Medical Health Care Foundation, which administered and tracked monthly STD tests for performers, shut down over a database breach last year that exposed some 12,000 (yes, THOUSAND) performers' names and STD results.

So, understandably, this has been considered a win by the AIDS Healthcare Foundation.

There's just one problem.

Nobody wants to enforce it.

At a meeting yesterday with the city council the LAPD and LAFD made it clear that they're not equipped to do that sort of thing. Good for them. With a $220 million budget gap the city is saying they'll probably have to lay people off. Toss in the latest LAFD response time controversy and it's pretty clear they've got better things to do.

And that's before you get into the industry arguments.

-What would happen if a married man and woman wanted to make a video via location shoot in L.A? The city, one rep argued, would essentially be mandating birth control.

-FilmLA, which coordinates film permits for the city, doesn't ask producers whether or not their productions involve sex.

-How would so-called "cam sites" be regulated: They beam live sex to the web, sometimes from the privacy of people's homes. Would a couple broadcasting their sessions from the city of L.A. have to use condoms? Is the city ready to inspect or even raid homes over condom use?

Passing regulations without bothering to figure out how to enforce or pay for them is just another example of L.A. idiot politics.

Worst case, I suppose they could find volunteers. Any takers? I hear they give you a snazzy helmet with a giant penis on top.

Crash It Like Ya Stole It

2012-04-09T12:39:00.002-07:00

Ontario, CA

You know, a lot of high speed chases aren't.

There's too much traffic, the driver doesn't know where he's going and backs up a lot. And then he's got twenty cop cars and five news choppers on his ass, so he's puttering along trying to figure out some way he can pull over and explain that, no, officer I didn't really steal the car, I just sort of, you know, borrowed it.

And then there are the ones that are.

An LASD helicopter got a hit on a LoJack tracking device last night as it was flying over the 60 Freeway and called in the CHP who identified the stolen car.

And that's when the woman driving it hit the gas.

A lot of high speed chases end when drivers figure out they're screwed, get off the freeway and pull into a parking lot.

In this case she gunned it, pulled into a residential neighborhood doing 90 and slammed into a tree. She managed to get out of the car, stumble a few feet and fall over.

And then the car burst into flames.

Which is actually a pretty hard thing to make happen. I'm impressed. My hat off to your pyrotchnic skills, madame.

Glad you survived the wreck. Enjoy your felony charges of GTA and public endangerment.

Check Out My Groovy New Pad

2012-04-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

I've gone and done it.

No, not that. There's still a restraining order. And that thing with the pies and the donkey? Well, the less said about that the better.

I'm talking about my new website, StephenBlackmoore.com. It even has a blog. And an inaugural post, too.

Now I'm not leaving here, just taking the place back to its roots. I'll be talking about Los Angeles crime, politics, shit like that. The way I had originally intended.

The blog over on StephenBlackmoore.com will be for writing, random thoughts, the sort of mental clutter than doesn't really fit over here.

And selling books, too, of course. Let's be honest, here. A brother's gotta eat.

I'd love it if you'd hop on over there and take a look. Let me know what you think. Hopefully I'll see y'all in both places.

He Can't Possibly Be Dangerous, Anymore... Right?

2012-04-05T09:00:00.002-07:00

Corcoran State Prison, CA... You know, where he belongs

Charles "Chuckles" Manson, that boisterous scamp who was responsible for leading a bunch of psycho hippies to multiple brutal murders in 1969, including a tremendously pregnant Sharon Tate at Roman Polanski's home in Los Angeles, is 77 years old and up for parole.

Again.

He's been up for parole 11 other times. He refused to participate in the the last hearing back in 2007, saying that he was a "prisoner of the political system." Which, I guess, is technically true?

Before he went in this last time he'd been in prison 15 years already. He's been locked up since 1971. He's spent something like 60 years of his life inside.

He's batshit crazy.

The world's moved on and it's not like he's kept pace. Can you imagine what he'd do on the Internet?

Yeah, that's right, he'd stare at the screen wondering how they got the magic elves inside the box. I doubt he'd be able to order a pizza online much less use a mouse.

Look, the guy doesn't want to get out, we don't want him to get out.

If they let him free he'll be gunned down because he pissed off the wrong guy or step in front of a Prius because he can't hear it coming.

Huh. On second thought, maybe that's exactly what they should do.

I'm In The Funny Pages

2012-04-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

Hey, boys and girls, girls who are boys and boys who are girls, guess what?!

...

You're supposed to say, "What?"

That's better.

The very excellent crime / horror comic by Ed Brubaker and Sean Phillips, FATALE, hits the stands with issue number 4 today and besides the fantastic writing and excellent artwork, they've got a special treat at the end for ya.

Me.

Well, not me exactly. A piece by me. About a guy who was an inspiration for Raymond Chandler's detective Philip Marlowe, an ex-LAPD detective turned private eye named Harry Raymond, who was once so feared by the incredibly corrupt mayor of Los Angeles, Frank Shaw that in 1938 the LAPD tried to assassinate him.

For realsies.

See?

You want to read the rest of that bad boy and get a feel for just how corrupt this city used to be (surprisingly, yes, it used to be A LOT worse) you're gonna go have to pick up a copy of the comic yourself.

So get thee to your friendly neighborhood comic store and grab one.

You won't be disappointed.

KHAAAAAAAN... Of Mars

2012-04-03T08:58:00.001-07:00

I'm writing a book about a monkey.

Let me back up.

So, the good folks over at Evil Hat had this idea a little while ago to do a series of Golden Age style pulp novels as tie-ins to their games SPIRIT OF THE CENTURY and RACE TO ADVENTURE starting with the book DINOCALYPSE NOW! by Chuck Wendig.

So they created a Kickstarter to fund the project, gauge some interest. Not a huge goal. $5000.00. And if they hit that the second novel in the series, BEYOND DINOCALYPSE, would be greenlit.

And then something interesting happened.

They blew past their goal in less than a day.

And so Fred Hicks, who as I've said before is one really smart motherfucker, kept pushing the rewards. If they hit $10K they'd do the whole trilogy written by Chuck, but at $15K backers would get another book by Brian Clevinger (ATOMIC ROBO). At $20K there'd be yet another book, this time by C.E. Murphy.

Would it end? Could it end?

Last night they blew past their $20K mark and they still have almost 20 days left to go. As of right now they're at over $22,000.00

Which brings me to this news.

One of the characters in the Dinocalypse trilogy is a hyper-intelligent, tweed wearing ape named Professor Khan. Imagine Sean Connery's character in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade mixed with a very restrained Hellboy and you have a pretty good picture. Only, you know, an ape. And he has trouble working in his ape nature. But sometimes, when things get rough, he, well (apologies in advance), goes ape.

If The Dinocalypse Kickstarter hits $25K, the amazingly talented Harry Connolly (The TWENTY PALACES series) will be writing a new Professor Khan novel in which he plays private detective in the glittery underbelly of 1940's Hollywood.

And if the Kickstarter gets to $30K, I will write the next Professor Khan novel, KHAN OF MARS.

Our edudite ape is transported to the Red Planet where he will engage in... Red Planet stuff. I don't know which stuff, yet, but there will be... ahem...

THRILLS!
CHILLS!
SWASHBUCKLING!
ADVENTURE!
Perhaps even, dare we say it? (oh, we dare, WE DARE!)
ROMANCE!

So, if you want to see a book out of me about a 1940's pulp adventurer who happens to be a hyper-intelligent talking gorilla who can rip tree trunks in half with his bare hands, then please, check out the Kickstarter and help get us to $30K.

BECAUSE I REALLY REALLY WANT TO WRITE THIS BOOK.

Thank you.