L.A. Noir

When A Battering Ram Just Won't Cut It

2009-12-10T18:14:00.000-08:00

Gardena, CA

Use a bulldozer.

Gardena police show up yesterday morning with a warrant to arrest two guys in a house off of 168th. Surprisingly enough, they won't come out. Cue SWAT team. Cue tear gas. Cue negotiators.

The result? Bupkes.

What to do? Well, if you can't get the crooks out of the house, you can always take the house away from the crooks.

Which is what they did. With a big ol' bulldozer. Seems Gardena doesn't own one of them fancy armored battering rams, so they made do with what they had.

I love this line from the story.

The use of the bulldozer is an unusual tactic in barricade standoffs.

No shit, really? I'd like to meet the guys who it is. They sound like fun.

Personally, I think it should be. It's innovative, lighter on the budget, easily replaceable.

And a city road worker in a bulldozer's a fuckload scarier than a cop in an armored car.

Paging Johnny Utah

2009-12-05T09:22:00.000-08:00

Encino, CA

There's this guy robbing banks in Encino. Two so far. A U.S. Bank the day before Thanksgiving and a Santa Barbara Bank & Trust this last Wednesday. Armed, calm and wearing a Nixon mask.

Now, I'm all for someone paying homage to Patrick Swayze movies, even if they do have Keanu Reeves. But there are so many to choose from. Why pick Point Break? Seems kind of obvious, doesn't it?

What's wrong with Dirty Dancing? Or Roadhouse? Or, my personal favorite, Skate Town, U.S.A.?

I mean, it had Flip Wilson in it. And Scott Baio. Scott freakin' Baio. Chachi, man. How cool is that?

And the tagline? "The Rock and Roller Disco Movie of the Year!"

OF THE FUCKING YEAR, PEOPLE.

Best name in the whole movie? Swayze's. Ace Johnson.

Gets you hard just thinking about it, doesn't it? Yeah, I thought so.

So, Mr. Ex-President Bandit, next time you hit up a place shake it up, would you? Go in drag as Vida, or dance your way in as Johnny Castle.

After all, nobody puts Baby in a corner.

It's The Dildo That Really Pulls The Room Together

2009-12-01T21:39:00.001-08:00

Los Angeles, CA

Oh, those wacky heiresses. They've got reality shows, sex tapes, and now breaking and entering.

Casey Johnson, heiress to the Johnson & Johnson family fortune seems to have some trouble with boundaries. While her friend, model Jasmine Lennard, was away from her home in Hollywood, it appears that Miss Johnson took some liberties.

And underwear. Among other things.

When Lennard got back to her apartment she found it trashed. Stuff was missing. Clothing, jewelry, underwear, shoes.

Oh, and she found a used vibrator in her bed and a wet towel on her floor.

Classy.

She then later got a text message from Johnson's girlfriend who inexplicably recognized the underwear Johnson was wearing as Lennard's.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. I'm thinking it, too. Please give me a moment.

Anyway, so she gets this text message telling her Johnson's got her stuff, so Lennard rats on her to the cops who go out and arrest her.

But the best part? The quotes.

"She breaks into my Hollywood apartment, masturbates in my bed, has a shower in my bathroom, takes every thing in my apartment."

Now that's a reality show I'd watch.

Beat The Handicapped Week

2009-11-30T18:10:00.000-08:00

Anaheim and Covina, CA

Apparently there's a new holiday tradition. Something to tide you over between Turkey Day and Consumermas, or whatever the fuck they're calling it these days.

Grab somebody disabled and beat them in a senseless rage.

I guess it's supposed to make them feel more like the rest of us. How progressive.

So Friday, Taufa Vaioleti was arrested for allegedly attacking a blind man at an AM/PM in Anaheim. Seems the guy wanted to use the bathroom while Vaioleti's cousin was in it. So he knocked on the door.

The nerve. I mean, come on. You should just know that somebody's in there.

Especially if you're blind. That gives you like super hearing or smell or something, doesn't it? Like Daredevil, right?

Anyway, so the guy gets pissed off, comes out of the bathroom and tells Vaioleti about the door knocking. Throws in something about a racial slur.

Now, just out of curiosity, what sort of racial slur would one use when speaking of Mr. Vaioleti? Seriously, I have no fucking clue what kind of name that is. Italian? Armenian? Eskimo?

Anyway, so Vaioleti gets out and proceeds to beat the tar out of the blind man.

And he takes it. Doesn't even pull a sword out of his white cane like Zatoichi or anything. Just gets pummeled even after a bunch of people are telling Vaioleti that he's blind.

But one incident does not a tradition make.

Looks like Martin Silva, 52, of Covina, punched his wheelchair bound brother-in-law to death in Covina over a money matter.

He's being held without bail on suspicion of murder.

So who's next? Homeless guy? Somebody on crutches? The deaf?

Going to have to do something big if it wants to get on the holiday roster. It's got some stiff competition out there from Kick A Ginger Day.

They've already arrested three kids for that one.

Apparently, All It Takes Is A Tape Measure

2009-11-27T15:16:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles, CA

There are a lot of bad pick-up lines. "Nice dress. It'd look good on my bedroom floor." "So, you like anal?" "I design custom fitted underwear, mind if I "measure" you?"

Come on. Guys, none of these are going to work. Ever. I mean-

What? Seriously?

I stand corrected. The underwear one's a winner.

Keith Nichols, 22, is suspected of four counts of sexual battery. Seems he tells girls he's a photographer for Vibe magazine and if their measurements are good he can get them a modeling gig. So he takes them someplace out of the way and, uh, "measures" them.

He takes no pictures, just pulls out a tape measure as a prop and then proceeds to grope his way around. How does he get away with that? "Why, yes, my palm is shaped like a perfect C cup."?

Needless to say, the police are looking for Mr. Nichols, who very likely doesn't want to be found. Seems groping is a misdemeanor, but I don't think anyone's convinced he's going to cut it short there.

Custom Fit Underwear. The 21st Century's Boob Inspector.

Like A Toddler With A Straight Razor

2009-11-18T08:03:00.000-08:00

L.A. Noir is four years old today.

Yeah, no shit. Really.

I know things have been quiet over here the last few weeks, but still. Four years. I never thought it'd last this long. Figured I'd mock some weird crime shit for a couple months and then it'd all dry up.

That was 970 posts ago. Boy was I wrong.

I'd say something about wasted youth, but that train left the station years ago.

Anyway, if you like, go ahead and peruse some of the older posts. You can grab them on the sidebar over there to the right. Have fun.

Four years. Goddamn, I feel old.

Sanity Shattering Cuteness

2009-11-01T21:20:00.000-08:00

Apparently the Great Old Ones' target demographic is 12-year-old Japanese girls.

The Amazing Adventures of Lil Cthulhu.

Enjoy.

Blown Back To Childhood

2009-10-29T08:32:00.000-07:00

Woodland Hills, CA

My dad was a drill sergeant who wanted to be a mad scientist. Drill sergeants are teachers. Mad scientists are crazy motherfuckers.

It's an interesting combination.

When I was about twelve he decided to show me respect for gunpowder by pouring out a (not long enough) line of it ending in a (too large) pile.

Important Safety Tip: Do not get close to a pile of gunpowder when your crazy motherfucker mad scientist drill sergeant dad hands you a match and says, "Light it."

I went blind for about 15 minutes and the entire right side of my head was singed. I kept most of my right eyebrow, but I stunk of burnt hair for two days and my ears rang for a week.

Apparently, this brand of stupid is more common than you might think.

A father in Woodland Hills trying to show his son the dangers of gunpowder blew off one of his own fingers, injured his son, shattered a window and managed to get a visit from the bomb squad.

And all with one match. I'm impressed.

What do you think, kid learn his lesson?

I'm all for experiential learning, but just like you don't teach your kid respect for the ocean by jumping into a shark tank, it's usually not a good idea to blow yourself up to get him to understand that being blown up is bad.

You want to teach your children something about explosives and fire? Take them to see this. No one hardly ever gets injured or dies.

And if they do you won't feel like an idiot because it's your fault.

What's Surprising Is That It Took So Long

2009-10-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

La Cañada Flintridge

I've been wondering when the mortgage crisis was going to get so out of hand that people started beating the shit out of the folks in the middle of it. Now I have my answer.

Daniel Weston and Mary Ann Parmelee, 52, were trying to save their house. So they get hold of Lamond Dean and Luis Garcia, a couple of loan modification specialists. When it comes down to it, loan mod specialists can do fuck all to help you. They can talk to the banks on your behalf, get the paperwork going, but ultimately if the bank tells them to fuck off, well, there's not much they can do.

And, sadly, there are a lot of scams out there. And Weston and Parmelee seem to have thought they'd just been victims of one.

Back on the 20th Dean and Garcia were allegedly lured to a place in Glendale under the guise of a meeting where Weston and another, Gustavo Canez, 36, beat the holy hell out of them.

They used wooden knuckles to do it. Not brass, not aluminum. Wood. Who uses wooden knuckles? What, is it cheaper than a roll of nickels?

Anyway, handcrafted bludgeons aside, here's where it gets weird.

Besides Weston and Gonzales, who did the beatdown, there were three other people; Parmelee, who incidentally is a real estate agent and Mario Solomon Gonzales, 47 and Marissa Parker, 49. They both work with the two guys who got their heads kicked in referring them loan cases.

So, let me make sure I've got this straight. This wasn't a beatdown by random people getting screwed out of their homes. These aren't Joe The Plumber types.

This was a group of people who know the mortgage business, who know how the game is played. They're people who work the system. And they beat the crap out of people who also know the mortgage business, and know how the game is played.

We're talking about people who are pretty close to the meltdown, who know the score. Who know how all this is shaking out. They're eating their own.

Which makes me wonder, what do they know that we don't?

[Hat tip to Inkgrrl for the link. Thanks, hon.]

This Is Why I Love L.A.

2009-10-27T20:30:00.001-07:00

Because nowhere else can you see such stunning examples of humanity.

And they say public transportation can't be fun.

It's Like An iPod, Only More Totalitarian

2009-10-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles, CA

You ever wonder what would happen if Steve Jobs ran the Thought Police? Well, he might come up with something like this.

The iWatch program is the LAPD's latest attempt to create a city-wide terrorist watch. They launched it earlier this month. It's not like it's a new idea. Governments have been doing it for forever. See something suspicious and report it. Like "People drawing or measuring important buildings".

That should be easy. It's not like anybody takes pictures in Los Angeles, or anything.

Anyway, it caused a bit of a snit when it came out, as I'm sure you can understand.

And that snit's gotten a little bigger with the release of this PSA.

Huffington Post asks the question, "Important or Incredibly Creepy?"

I'm edging toward creepy. Not because I don't trust the LAPD, which I don't. I mean come on. What's to trust?

But because I don't trust you.

Yes, you. Seriously, people. You panic at the drop of a fucking hat. We get a drizzle in this town and it's STORM WATCH 2009!!!11!!one!! Oh my god, a car's pulled over on the freeway twelve miles away! Everybody slam on your fucking brakes!

I don't want you freaking out over some tourist from Wisconsin taking pictures of the Bradbury Building, or losing your shit because somebody left his backpack on a bus.

There's a common strategy you see in war propaganda where a group of men and women is shown who are supposed to be representative of The People. You, me, the guy down the street, the woman next door, whatever. Everyone you see is Us.

Which implies that everyone you don't see is Them.

Look at the people in the video. The writers of this thing tried to cover a lot of bases, hit a lot of ethnic groups.

But there's only one person with an accent, an Indian woman. No one looks to be Middle-Eastern, though there's one guy who kind of maybe sort of might pass. Until you hear his name is George.

Now I'm not saying they intentionally did this. After all I'm not seeing anyone who looks, I don't know, Hmong? Samoan? But when you consider that we have the largest population of Iranians outside of Iran here, you'd think maybe you'd want to toss a couple of them in for good measure. Would it have killed them to throw a Mehrdad in there?

Yes, L.A. is a big fat fucking target. Yes, Islamic extremism is the thing we're all worried about. And yes, this is a delicate idea that the LAPD is trying to sell.

But the thing that really creeps me out about this is the blond chick. Scares the piss out of me. Look at those fucking eyes. She's totally got that Innsmouth Look. Like a goddamn trout.

Screw all the 1984 stuff. She's the one you have to watch out for.

[Hat tip to my buddy Mike for bouncing the video my way]

Cold Cases Are Hot Again

2009-10-22T21:41:00.000-07:00

Chula Vista, CA

In case you hadn't heard, crime's down. According to the FBI's latest report since 2008, murder's dropped 3.9%, aggravated assault 2.5%. Rape and robbery down 1.6% and .7% respectively.

Which means that the cops have a little more time to go digging into all those unsolved cases.

Like the murder of Cathy Paternoster, 32, and her partner, Carl Fuerst, 41, who were shot to death on October 11, 1989. Twenty years, almost to the day, and the San Bernardino County Sheriff's finally made an arrest.

Eric Fagan, 74, a lawyer in San Diego, was picked up this morning for the murders. His girlfriend at the time was Paternoster's mom and the cops think he committed the murders so that she could get custody of one of her grandkids.

Now that's devotion. Fucked up devotion, but still. I know I wouldn't kill a girlfriend's kid for her. That's kind of pushing it.

But what do I know? I didn't write a dating manual.

Is that in these days? Kill your date's kids? I thought it was still dinner and a movie.

Whatever happened to wooing? Whatever happened to romance?

Whatever happened to giving a fake name and sneaking out of her apartment but forget that she's got this really nasty Doberman who doesn't like you who sleeps in the foyer so you end up having to go out through the sliding glass door onto the balcony and realize that you're three stories up and have to shimmy down a drainpipe to the ground and then one of her neighbors sees you and thinks you're a burglar so they call the cops and then you're in the spotlights and on the evening news and your date pokes her head out, figures what you're doing and says, "Nope, officers, never seen him before. Bastard must be a rapist, or something," and then the cops taser your ass from the second floor and you spend the next month in traction and the six after in County because the judge won't grant you bail?

Not that I would know anything about that sort of thing. I'm just sayin'. It could happen. To, you know, a friend. Some guy. Who is totally not me.

Really.

So, 'Less Than Lethal' Huh?

2009-10-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

San Bernardino, CA

Electricity kills. Lightning strikes and Edison proved that. San Bernardino police are just carrying on a fine tradition of proving the point. With Tasers.

Cops were called to break up a fight at a board-and-care facility in San Bernardino yesterday. One of the fighters, a 19-year-old man, "...became combative and a Taser was depolyed to control him."

And boy did it. He started having trouble breathing and died an hour later at the hospital.

It's funny what fifty thousand volts will do to a guy. Sure, it usually beats shooting somebody. Fewer holes, at least. And he probably had something wrong going on already. Heart murmur, epilepsy. Who knows?

Which is kind of the problem with Tasers. You never know if someone's going to have an issue with it (beyond the screaming, I mean) until you hit him. And then it's too late.

At least with a baton or a shotgun beanbag you know what you're getting every time. Some cracked ribs, busted nose. Concussion.

That's right. Bring back the beatdown. High tech isn't always the answer. You can kill somebody just as effectively with a Mag-lite as you can with a taser if you really want to.

And it's a good cardio work-out you keep it up long enough.

Beats Panhandling, I Suppose

2009-10-18T08:44:00.000-07:00

Marina Del Rey, CA

Everybody's got a kink. Spanking, bondage, cheerleaders, Scotsmen, whatever. And that's fine. Whatever floats your boat. I ain't gonna judge.

Just don't let it get out of hand.

Take Dr. Robert Richardson, for example. He's not the real Dr. Robert Richardson. He's actually Jeffrey Lynn Graybill, 40, of Phoenix.

Seems Mr. Graybill stole Dr. Richardson's identity. Posed as a fertility clinic doctor. Put up a Craigslist ad looking for college age men for a fertility study. Five hundred bucks for an initial semen sample. Up to 4K if he likes ya.

Five hundred bucks. Is that the going rate for a money shot these days?

So, anyway, he'd meet these guys either in an apartment in MDR or Santa Monica. Do, well, you know, to the gentlemen in question and then go on his merry way.

When they busted him, cops found "undisclosed evidence" in Graybill's house in Phoenix showing he'd done this to at least 24 guys. Two came forward, so to speak.

They've got him on two counts of practicing medicine without a license, two counts of false personation, two counts of identity theft, two counts of sexual battery by fraud, three counts of sexual penetration by a foreign object.

Just imagine what they'll get if they can find the other 22 guys to show up. I hope they don't have to give the money back.

And You Thought I Was Dead

2009-10-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

No such luck. Sorry. You're stuck with me. Like a bad rash.

Been up to my ass in alligators as they say. Swamp drainage ain't what it used to be.

But enough about my sorry ass, let's talk about dead people.

Like over in Marina Del Rey. You ever see those dead body Halloween decorations where people hang them from trees, stick them halfway out of the ground or hang them over a balcony railing for four days before somebody goes, "Hey, I don't think that's a dummy," and then they call the cops and the cops go, "Dude, you're so totally right," and it turns out that it's some guy who shot himself in the head and nobody noticed the entire time because, hey, who checks on old people, right?

Yep. Four days. Mostafa Mahmoud Zayed, 75, of Marina Del Rey. Gunshot to the head.

Happy Halloween, everybody.

Or, Guillermo Marinero, 28, in Monrovia who turned himself into police after strangling his girlfriend, Theresa Cardoza, 28, in a car.

Domestic dispute. Guy's got no criminal record. At least he surrendered on his own. That's something, right? No? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

Then we've got a murder-suicide in La Cañada Flintridge. No word yet on who shot who. Or is that whom? I can never remember.

And to round off the depressing, we have a mom in South L.A. who has a freak-out and shoots her kids. Multiple times.

Right. Now I remember. This is why I've been away so long.

Busy Weekend

2009-09-28T09:41:00.001-07:00

Every once in a while things go a little crazy out here. Blame the moon, blame the economy, blame the Santa Ana winds that scour the streets and set all our teeth just a little on edge.

Or just blame all the asshole gangbangers with tiny dicks who can't seem to get it through their fat, fucking skulls that a gun and the cowardice to use it doesn't make you a man.

Like this weekend.

Seven people shot in the Valley in three separate incidents. Three dead. Including a 4-month old baby.

Folks got into a pissing match outside a party. Somebody pulled a shotgun.

A shotgun. And a 4-month old baby.

Jesus fuck, people.

Gang-related. Big fucking surprise there. The fun kicked off last weekend when three got tagged, two killed, a 20-year-old man and a 15-year-old boy, outside a housing project in Pacoima.

The hell of it is that crime is actually down. City-wide the homicide rate has dropped 21% in the last two years. In Van Nuys, where all this shit happened over the weekend, it's down a whopping 63%. Eight in 2007, three in 2009 as of the 19th.

Well, it was nice while it lasted.

Since This Accounts For About A Third of My Hits

2009-09-21T22:15:00.000-07:00

Pasadena, CA

Isaac Campbell. In Pitchess awaiting a preliminary hearing for murdering his girlfriend Liya "Jessie" Lu and stuffing her into a trashcan. Was supposed to have gone before a judge on September 9th.

Now it's been postponed to October 7th.

Oh, vaguely interesting coincidence for those of you who care, David Del Toro, the fire captain (who accounts for another third of my hits) accused of killing his girlfriend Jennifer Flores and then dragging her a quarter mile down the road after her body (let's hope it was her corpse and not, you know, her) fell partway out of the back of his truck leaving a long line of viscera right to his doorstep, has his new trial date set also for October 7th (just plug in Deltoro and David into the appropriate fields and you'll get him).

I've lost count how many times this guy has had his trial delayed. From what I understand it's not for trivial matters. Last I heard lack of warrants were being questioned, as well as what evidence could and could not be used. And the prosecutors want to throw together the best case they can.

Del Toro was picked up in August 2006 and Lu was found dead in September 2007.

The slow and steady grind of justice keeps rolling on.

In Case You're Wondering What To Get Me For My Birthday

2009-09-12T09:51:00.000-07:00

Seriously, holy fuck.

And of course, it would be South African.

*Hat tip to Dusty Rhoades for the link.

Damn They're Good

2009-09-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

El Monte, CA

Cesar Gomez, 34, is accused of strangling a prostitute in a hotel in El Monte on August 21st.

In and of itself, though tragic, it's not particularly remarkable, which is pretty sad all on its own. What's interesting about it is this.

Investigators linked Gomez to the crime through DNA collected at the scene...

He was picked up today. Presumably they had him tagged as a suspect before today.

But let's say they didn't. Assume that they got their test results back this morning with a positive match, got lucky and caught him. All in the same day.

We're talking less than 3 weeks from the crime to get the test results back. Jesus Christ, Orange County, how'd you pull that off?

As of July the California Department of Justice had a DNA processing backlog of 230 crime scenes and 60,815 offenders, a number which has sky-rocketed since Proposition 69, which mandated all arrestees in the state get a DNA test, went into effect in January.

The LAPD and LASD have had their own problems with processing crime scene evidence. The LAPD had over 7000 unprocessed rape kits last year and they've finally cut that down by half. Of course a whole bunch of them are useless since they've been sitting in freezers long enough that the statute of limitations has run out.

Point is, the fantasy of CSI notwithstanding, we've got a huge backlog in the state and the nation for this sort of thing. You don't get a result during a commercial break. Shit takes time. The only numbers I've found for just how much time is from New Jersey, which has their processing time down to a speedy 45 days.

So OC, how'd y'all move so fast on this one? The rest of the nation could maybe use some pointers.

Mix And Match

2009-09-10T05:56:00.000-07:00

Lancaster, CA

Hey, school started this week. Kids going to classes, meeting new teachers, connecting with old friends, finding severed hands.

The hand was found yesterday afternoon near Challenger Middle School in Lancaster. Cadaver dogs searched the area, but didn't come up with anything else.

So the cops went out to the rest of the city looking for the guy who might be wondering where his hand went.

They found him.

Or parts of him, at least. Maybe.

A torso was found about 20 miles outside the city. But where's the rest?

This rate they'll find a foot in Palmdale, somebody's ear off the 138. Maybe a head in Mojave.

But will they all be from the same guy?

No Follow Through

2009-09-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

Inglewood, CA

Darnell Stewart is on trial for attempted murder. Trial's almost over. Guess he didn't think he had much chance. He tried to slit his throat in the courtroom with a smuggled razor blade.

Attempted murder, attempted suicide. Clearly this is a man who isn't fond of finishing what he's started.

You can't expect to get very far in life if you can't commit. Like Yoda said, "Do, or do not. There is no try." Pick something. See it through to the end.

And no, a jail sentence doesn't count.

Training For Pitchess

2009-09-06T23:52:00.000-07:00

Malibu, CA

Camp Kilpatrick is a juvenile probation center just off of Malibu Canyon Road. Kids go there when they've been naughty. Sometimes when they're there they continue to be naughty. Sometimes other words for 'naughty' are 'race riot'.

A fight broke out between African American and Latino inmates Saturday night. Took some dosing with pepper spray to stop it. Two staff and a slew of inmates injured. Twenty-three were split up and moved to separate facilities.

If it's one thing we know how to do in our jails it's riot. Look at Pitchess up in Castaic in 2006. How long did that go on for? Five days? Six?

L.A. County Chief Probation Officer Robert Taylor has this to say about the fight.

We'll be looking into the causes of this.

Oh come on, Einstein, it's not that tough to figure out. It's because you're cramming a bunch of hormone driven adolescents who want to kill each other into the same goddamn bunk room. The fuck did you think was going to happen?

Jails run along race lines. The Latinos hang out with the Latinos, blacks with blacks, whites with whites, etcetera and so on.

Jails are not melting pots. They're powder kegs.

He'll Bump Into Jesus Any Day Now

2009-09-06T01:01:00.000-07:00

Terre Haute, IN

Back in August of '99 Buford O'Neal Furrow Jr., whose name I will endeavor to not mock... Okay, I lied. Buford? Seriously? The fuck names their child Buford? I mean besides inbred, bucktoothed hillbillies in the Appalachians? Buford?

Anyway, back in '99 Buford shot up a Jewish daycare center in Granada Hills. He was, surprise! a white supremacist. Injured three kids, a receptionist and murdered a Filipino postman because he was, you know, Filipino. Sure, they eat some fucked up stuff, but that's no reason to shoot a guy.

So, anyway, Buford gets two consecutive life sentences and an extra 110 years tacked on for, I dunno, having a fucked up hillbilly name? Being a brain-dead asshole? Shooting kids? The possibilities are endless.

Well, ten years have gone by and Buford has made some changes.

Seems he's sorry. You don't say?

"I feel a life based on hate is no life at all."

I don't know about that. I mean, I hate a lot of people. Folks who cut me off in traffic. Those guys at the restaurant down the street who always get my order wrong. G. Gordon Liddy. Seems to work for me.

Of course, I'm not shooting anyone over it. Though Liddy could use a bullet as far as I'm concerned.

"About 5 years ago I threw away my racist books, literature, etc., and took up a new leaf," Furrow wrote. "I now publicly renounce all bias toward anyone based on race, creed, color, sexual orientation, etc., and am a much happier person."

Well, that's great. So happy for you. There's only one problem.

It's bullshit.

I'm sorry, but you spend the entirety of your life chanting the white supremacist mantra and ten years in the cooler throws that all down the crapper? I don't buy it. Maybe there's no angle here. It's not like he's up for parole or anything. Maybe he's just a moron.

Okay, he's probably just a moron.

Boo-fuckin'-hoo. Oh, he's sooo sorry. I'm sure Mr. Ileto's family are tremendously relieved to hear that. And those kids that they had to pull the bullets out of, like Alan Stepakoff?

"There are three points I'd like to make," Stepakoff said. "One is, this doesn't change what he did. The second point is we are glad he has renounced his hateful beliefs. The third point is I'm not fully convinced of his sincerity."

How very diplomatic of you, young Mr. Stepakoff.

You're a better man than I'll ever be.

I Think They Have It Backwards

2009-09-05T18:02:00.000-07:00

Santa Ana, CA

Jaime Martinez, 37, is officially a perv. He just got sentenced for molesting four girls between the ages of 5 and 12 over several years. Thirty-two felony counts. Threatened to shoot one of his victims, a 5-year-old girl, if she ever told anyone. Got another in the bathroom of her elementary school.

So they gave him 330 years to life.

Which makes no sense to me. You'd think that by the time 330 years rolled around he'd already be dead. Shouldn't it be life to 330 years? Is this like those car warranties where it's 50,000 miles or five years, whichever comes first?

See, this is not a man who should be locked up. This is a man who should be shot. It's not like they're trying to rehabilitate him to reintroduce him into society or anything.

It's cheaper. Nobody will mind. At least nobody worth listening to. And it helps with prison overcrowding.

And if you really need to live with the illusion that human beings are somehow better than barbaric, just bring back the oubliette.

Here's your hole, Jaime. We'll toss the occasional rat down for ya. Don't mind the cockroaches. They're good eatin'.

There Go Those Consonants

2009-08-26T19:46:00.000-07:00

Murrieta, CA

Back in June Ronald Douglas McGowan, 32, had a problem. Seems he got his tongue bit off. So when he went to the ER, the doctors obviously were curious as to how that happened.

Turns out it was bitten off by the woman he was raping at the time.

He was arrested. Imagine that.

So let's hop ahead a couple months and we find Mr. McGowan, one can only hope sans tongue, facing not one, but four rape allegations. Three other women. Twelve felony counts in total. Things like rape, forcible rape, assault with a deadly weapon and assault causing serious bodily injury.

So he attacked one of the women who bit off his tongue. This begs a question.

How?

I mean, it's not like she lunged forward and snagged his tongue with her teeth. She doesn't have Alien jaws or anything. So, what, he was trying to kiss her? The fuck is that about? This his idea of romance?

You stick your tongue into the mouth of a person you're forcibly having sex with and they bite it off. No shit. Really?

So not only a sexual predator, but fucking stupid to boot. He's a winner all around.

Oh, and check this out.

Is that a beauty shot or what?

Cops must have had a field day with that one. "Say cheese! No, not 'hheesz'. Dude, you're not even trying."

Least he could do is smile.