The Life and Times of Varjak Paul

Gnoetry for Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew Lafferty) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 14:45:00 +0000

With the college football season (mostly) over, I haven't found (made?) the time to re-purpose this blog, to give it a new direction to fill the void. After the season is over, frankly, it can be hard to figure out what to talk about, and I haven't quite been able to slow down enough to think through all that.

So, with it being Christmastime and all, I figured I'd cheat a little and cross-post something I just put up at Gnoetry Daily. It's a poem I put together using edde addad's new generator, jGnoetry, which I am enjoying very much, although I don't totally know how it works yet (although, let's be honest, I'll probably never totally understand how it works).

The source text, of course, is Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol (which, by the way, should be required Christmastime reading by EVERYONE).

Enjoy, and have a merry & blessed Christmas!

I see him

The bowels of his daughters
were not afraid of damaged
morning. Wrenching, dark, with
force, Scrooge knew.

Besides, he had seen. It was not dreamed
them, it. Who came in
Scrooge’s horror and dreamed also by the
daughter leaning forward on
and may yet be visible save one
half expected to part, and set here.
Always peeping down into
the person, not to raise account
what sprinkled from your mortal life.
But they should like that oil upon the country
where hope for the young sat down,
done with any man to dinner in the ghost.

He stood upon his legs in modest tartness from the love
like our ancestors there, on the hearth-stone.
Tartness from the love
our ancestors of the same breath smoked!

Mchg*n Wrap-Up

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew Lafferty) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 20:31:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

Well, now. That was... probably some time coming, no matter what else it was.

Also, last week bringing Thanksgiving and lots of traveling, let's not dwell too much on the nitty-gritty details of that whole 40-34 thing, hm? How about we focus on the positives?

Positive number one. Fickell somehow kept the state of Ohio from embracing anarchy and collapsing into complete chaos. Luke, my boy, you may not be ready for prime-time just yet. But you, sir, were an excellent stopgap.

BIG FAT POSITIVE NUMBER TWO. Urban wasn't just a whole bunch of Popes. He's also Urban Meyer, of 41-14 "fame", and he's got quite a list of positives all by himself. And he's ours.

(Um, that came out weird, but you get my point. The guy has a crazily impressive, if relatively short, coaching resume. And now he's got the head gig at a school that started winning national championships before the 90's.)

About that game Saturday. Anyway. There was a game this weekend, and after a mere SEVEN failed attempts, the school up north succeeded in defeating a clearly inferior Buckeye squad (barely; they didn't cover the spread, for you betting types), bringing their record against our beloved Buckeyes this century to a very number-like 3-9. Congratulations to you outgoing UM seniors on a tidy 1-3 record against your arch-rival. Must feel good.

Some numbers. I'm not sure there are numbers worth discussing beyond 40 and 34. Of course, that could be because I've already blocked the game out of my memory, much like the Cooper era.

My take. Our offense showed up! Who would've guessed it?! Our defense, however, did not. Hopefully next year, when Fickell is only in charge of the defense, he'll be more able to keep the Silver Bullets on-target. Our guys are young, and they're already pretty good, and I have the sneaking suspicion I'm going to be using the phrase "Miller-Time" rather liberally over the next few seasons.

Some pictures. For those of you who didn't already know this, my dad and I were at the game. Some evidence:

(yes, I'm wearing my dad's actual jersey from his playing days at OSU)

(just because we could)

Now, our attendance may at first elicit some pity from you, but please, save your pity for those poor souls who call themselves Wolverine fans. We were unfortunate enough to witness an "atmosphere" that consisted of:

yellow pom-poms (so menacing!)
several renditions of Sweet Caroline (so confusing)
a "marching band" that inexplicably featured a LOT of flags and twirlers and cheerleaders and other people NOT playing instruments (so sad... just try to imagine what life would be like if TBDBITL was so mediocre it had to include legions of superfluous individuals to distract from the middling nature of it all...)
and a taped speech from Bo, twice. I have to assume this was because Brady Hoke (Brady Choke, anyone? How about Brady Joke? It's ok. You don't have to decide now) has spent too much time not realizing that "Ohio" is an ACTUAL OTHER SCHOOL in the state of Ohio to have made any memorable speeches of his own.

I couldn't live with it, myself. But hey, that's just me. Some people were born without taste, I guess.

Also interesting. The BCS title game is going to be a rematch (who's with me on a boycott? I, for one, am simply not willing to sit through several hours of ESPN slobbering all over a couple SEC teams, no matter how much I, a Big Ten fan through and through, enjoy good defense). And... that's all I can muster interest in. A loss to M*ch*g*n and the inevitability of an all-SEC title game have sapped much of my life-force, and it will be some time before I am fully recharged and ready for the onslaught of another soul-crushing winter here in Buffalo. Woot!

Closing remarks. After a loss the likes of which we have not tasted since 2003, it's easy to get excited about the Urban Meyer signing. But I'll wrap this up with a fine sentiment from the folks at Eleven Warriors:

"After 11 years of Tresselball, we're back at the beginning of the beginning once again. The Urban era at Ohio State is born and will someday also find its death, but as long as there is football at Ohio State the clock will never stop ticking."

That'll do for the 2011 regular season. A record of 6-6 and a non-BCS bowl game for the first time since 2004 is tough to swallow, sure. And next season is unlikely to end with a national championship, but I have a feeling that when the sun sets 362 days from now, we will be smiling.

O-H!

Up Next: Penn State

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew Lafferty) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 19:28:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

Well. It has been a few weeks since I put one of these together, and kind of a lot has happened in the meantime. Let's see if I still have what it takes, shall we?

The details. Kickoff is 3:30 at the 'Shoe, and the game will be televised on ABC.

Some more informed opinions. Eleven Warriors and the O-Zone always bring their A-game to the previews. For all the other bloggers (who are no less awesome), consult The List.

Some numbers. My (least) favorite pregame stat: Penn State's scoring defense is currently third in the nation, allowing just 12.9 points per game.

My take. Honestly, I'm not even sure what to say about this game. Our beloved Buckeyes have looked, well, pretty awful the last two weeks, and I've spent the last couple days paying more attention to whether or not Urban Meyer is really going to be our coach next year than to what may or may not happen on the field in the 'Shoe this Saturday.

But I do claim to have a take, so while I apologize in advance, here goes: Penn State's defense is pretty solid, and OSU's offense is putrid. Posey's return will help some, but it won't magically improve Miller's accuracy, so Boom Herron is going to have to step up pretty huge to keep things rolling, and Miller will have to fill in the gaps with some more amazing runs on third-and-long.

(Is it just me, or have you also been watching the games this year kind of wanting Miller to just take a knee on 1st and 2nd down each series, just so he can get to 3rd-and-long sooner? Oh, it's just me? Ok, then.)

Point is, good defense usually trumps bad offense, so if it weren't for the fact that we are all watching Penn State crumble not so slowly before our eyes, I'd say we were in for an easy loss. I don't think anyone really knows yet how Penn State's team is going to respond to it's institutional problems for it's remaining games, so I don't want to discount an emotional x-factor, here.

We're 5-1 at home, and I'm hoping Posey's return will at least buoy the team emotionally to help it bounce back from some slow starts (and the loss at stupid Purdon't last week). I think the game will be close, but I'm not brave enough to predict which way it'll go. Regardless, I think it's going to be immensely interesting to watch, so there's that, am I right?

(I'm going a bit light on links this week, because frankly, I'm kind of tired of reading deeply disturbing things. More links actually pertaining to the game next week, I promise.)

Also interesting. Yikes, what dark corner of the football world isn't exploding with noteworthiness? Of course, there's Penn State, which is apparently appalling to the devil himself. Here's what OSU needs to happen to "earn" a trip to Indy. Urban Meyer? Yes, please. Life-sized Mario Kart? YES PLEASE (hat tip: edsbs. I know it's not football-related; I don't care, either.)

Closing remarks. No matter how this game goes, no matter how this season ends up, we'll always have this year's Wisconsin game, which looked pretty good from where I was sitting:

Here's hoping for another reason to rush the field!

Enjoy the game, and I'll see you on the other side.

O-H!

Clearing out the starred items in my Google Reader

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew Lafferty) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 18:52:00 +0000

I'm filing this under Wednesday Miscellany, I don't care what day it is. It just feels very miscellaneous.

So recently I switched from using my Google account to my Google Apps account, which is associated with this domain. I'm not totally done with the transfer, yet, and I was reminded of that fact a few minutes ago when I checked my starred items in Google Reader.

Want to know how many items there were?

26.

I don't know if that number seems high or low to you, but to me, it was shockingly low. My Google account's Reader has (I believe), well over a THOUSAND. True story.

So. I've decided to use this opportunity as a kind of reset on my more than slightly ridiculous starred items situation. I'm just going to post everything I had starred (everything worth mentioning, anyway; I'll just get rid of the rest), and FINALLY clear out the queue (um, assuming you don't count the thousand-plus in my other account... the problem of what, if anything, to do with those is one for future-Matt).

Without further delay, then, here are some starred items (oldest first) for your perusal and enjoyment:

Ellery Adams Bares All - a mid-list writer of mystery novels lays out her life as an author in number (hat tip: Very Like A Whale - there are a couple other excellent links in the referring post, too, by the way)

4 ways to find more time for marriage with kids in the way

The Intersection of Fit and Fun

The Art of Manliness barbershop locator

Friday Puzzle #126 - Arlington Sudoku Puzzles

the best part - a very sweet story about parenting from a missionary friend of mine

xkcd | map projections (comic)

A Softer World | There's no time for both (comic)

Flopps cards (hat tip: It's a long season)

Presenting: Gnoetry Daily Volume 1 (related: some notes on poetry generation terminology)

(full disclosure: I contributed to the collection in that last link, so if you skip a lot of these, do check out that one for me)

--
That'll do it for now. You may have noticed there weren't any sports-related items in there. That's because I'm hoping to get back on the horse and put together an OSU preview for this week's game, so look for that later today!

Illinois Wrap-Up

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 21:05:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

Well now. That. Was. Zookeriffic!

OK, fine. Fickell can't manage the clock particularly well. Fortunately, Zook's even worse at it. In the words of late crazy NFL owner Al Davis, "Just win, baby!"

Check out the box score and AP recap. They aren't pretty, but a W is a W.

Some more informed opinions. Eleven Warriors, the O-Zone, and Dr. Saturday.

Some numbers. Five things, Ten things, and the Buckeye Watch. My favorite stat from the game: Ohio State's defense had twice as many receptions as its offense. So, yeah. Stick that in your walrus and smoke it.

My take. I'm not sure what to say about this game, really. Our offense benefited from Herron's return, obviously (and we have got ourselves a nice little stable of running backs, I might add). Miller looked about as I expected, and I was out of the room long enough to miss OSU's only complete pass of the game, which was yet another Stoneburner .

I'm going to go out on a limb and say the Illinois offense was not quite as good as advertised, which we could have guessed, given their quality of competition previous to Saturday's game. OSU's offense, however, remains exactly as good as advertised. So there's that.

Bottom line, I love the way we ran the ball, I enjoyed how our defense played for the most part, but I will be forever grateful for Zook being Zook. When your opponent is a nitwit, the clock is SO YOUR FRIEND.

Also interesting. I love the movie Office Space, and apparently so did 11W's Ramzy. Defending Detroit Lions Coach Jim Schwartz, American Hero. And of course, this week's Alphabetical, in which I is for Incompetence.

Up next: Wisconsin

Until then, rock on:

That'll do. See you next Friday.

O-H!

Up Next: Illinois

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 19:24:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

Come On! Feel the Illinoise!

The details. Kickoff is 3:30 at Memorial Stadium in Champaign, Illinois, and the game will be televised on ABC.

Some more informed opinions. (I liked not bothering linking to all of the specific posts earlier this week, so I'm gonna keep doing that, ok? A couple of the best ought to do it; for the rest, just click on that link.) Eleven Warriors (with this week's Bucknotes) and the O-Zone should suffice.

Some numbers. My (least) favorite pregame stat: Illinois has forced a turnover in 21 consecutive games, the longest streak in the nation.

My take. Illinois has always been, in my mind, the obnoxious shrimpy kid at school. Gets beat up a lot, still talks a big game, and generally earns more wrath than its worth. But now the Fighting Zooks are off to their best start in, what, a million years? And our beloved Buckeyes are either decent or terrible, depending on who's under center.

No matter how you cut it, this year's version of the Buckeyes are not going to be a great team. They can be good enough to beat the Illini, of that I'm certain, but some things have to go our way: our offense has to play well, which means Bauserman cannot touch the ball, which means Miller cannot get hurt. Related: our offensive line has to play well, because Illinois has been getting after opposing QBs. Also, Bollman has to modify his play-calling system a bit.

But here's where I am: I'm finding it incredibly difficult to look past the turning point of the Nebraska game. Contrary to what the commentators were fond of saying, that turning point was NOT Miller's fumble. It was Miller's exit/Bauserman's entrance. If we can keep that sort of thing from happening again, I like our chances.

Also interesting. #OccupyWalrusBall. #OccupyHerbstreit. And because it's baseball playoff season, some goodness from Flip Flop Fly Ball: First and Last.

Closing remarks. Bring it, Zooker. (Even if we lose, I will officially start considering any week from here on out in which this sort of thing doesn't happen again a moral victory. How sad is that? VERY.)

Enjoy the game, and I'll see you on the other side!

O-H!

Nebraska Wrap-Up

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 21:08:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

Well now. That. Was. WAY MORE TRAUMATIZING THAN LAST WEEK.

Tuesday again. Again. (Lisa had the day off yesterday, so there was less time & inclination for goofing around on the internet, and I taught piano lessons all day today. What can I say?)

How about you go check out the box score and AP recap. Because I can't look anymore. (And I cannot unsee what I have seen.)

Some more informed opinions. Ok, time is short this week, so go here and click around. But don't say I didn't warn you.

Some numbers. Let's compare stat lines, shall we? Here's what OSU looked like Saturday with Miller under center: 305 total yards at 7.4 yards/play for 27 points. Miller completed 5 of 8 for 95 yards and a touchdown for a passing efficiency rating of 203.5, adding 95 yards on the ground. And here's what OSU looked like Saturday with Bauserman under center: 51 total yards at just over 2 yards/play for zero points. Bauserman himself completed 1 of 10 for 13 yards and an interception for a passing efficiency rating of 0.9. That's ZERO POINT NINE. (Statistical rundown courtesy Dr. Saturday, who adds a handy chart comparing the two through 5 games. The chart is, generally, less of an assault on the eyes than this paragraph, but not by much.)

Yipe.

My take. Honestly, I can't think of a way that is less fun to lose. The come-from-ahead loss is just about as bad as it gets, especially when you had already braced for a simple shellacking.

The thing is, it was painful enough to see Miller leaving the game with an injury. Seeing Bauserman enter the game was not fun, but it wasn't entirely unexpected. What really nauseated me was seeing Bauserman attempt pass after pass after pass, even though 1) we had the lead, 2) Nebraska had yet to really stop our running game (more Hyde? YES PLEASE), and 3) HE CANNOT FREAKING THROW THE BALL. Allow me to wonder, along with MotSaG, did the NCAA suspend Tresselball, too?

Now, I am a Buckeye fan through and through, but I am serious when I say that the next time I see Bauserman touch a football, I will honestly consider immediately turning off the television. I just cannot. Watch him. Anymore. I can't, and I won't.

And now we're done thinking about Nebraska in 2011.

Also interesting. SiteRep, week 6, in which the Buckeyes regret the discharge of Terrelle Pryor. At least the State of Florida is also having a bad week (in the polls, that is). I like open letters, I guess, so here's another. Do take some time to enjoy some posters from the Fire Bollman Movement. Related: Hire Urban Meyer! Off Tackle Empire brings us this week's B1G TEN power rankings, internet meme edition (in which Ohio State = Epic Fail). And of course, this week's Alphabetical, in which B is for Bauserman.

Up next: Illinois.

Until then, rock on. I know it's hard, but do try:

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/NT689GXn8qs?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

That'll do. See you Friday.

O-H!

Up Next: Nebraska

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 19:30:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

Nebraska. I'll be honest: even with the constant expansion talk and having months and months to get used to the idea of Nebraska in the B1G TEN, I haven't quite digested it yet. All I can think is, "We're playing Nebraska, huh? Weird."

Anyway. Yeah. We're playing Nebraska tomorrow.

The details. Kickoff is 8:00 at Memorial Stadium in Lincoln, Nebraska, and the game will be televised on ABC.

Some more informed opinions. Eleven Warriors (with this week's Bucknotes), Along the Olentangy, Block "O" Nation, Blogging the Buckeyes, Buckeye Banter, the Buckeye Battle Cry, The Buckeye Blog, The Duane Long Report, Inside the 'Shoe, Men of the Scarlet and Gray, Our Honor Defend, the O-Zone, and Scarlet and Game.

Some Numbers. My (least?) favorite pregame stat: Ohio State last started a conference season 0-2 in 2004; Nebraska last did it in 1968. Here's hoping the Cornhuskers' streak is more ripe for being broken.

My take. This is going to be short. You all remember last week, right? Well, Nebraska does, too. Both teams are likely to be pretty angry coming off bad losses, but Nebraska is in a slightly better position to channel that anger into offensive production. Ohio State, it would seem, is more likely to channel the anger into something merely offensive.

Braxton Miller isn't going to be winning games for us as soon as we hoped. Bauserman is like Jekyll and Hyde, only both of his quarterbacking personalities are fairly hideous, so it's impossible to predict whether he'll be any help or not. Seriously, does this staff even remember Kenny Guiton? Because he can't be that much worse than our current dynamic duo (which may or may not actually be a two-headed supervillain whose power is falling all over itself with such ferocity that it infects with similar incompetence anyone unlucky enough to be within a football field-sized radius).

With any luck, though, the defense will keep us in this. With significantly more luck, the offense will be able to take long enough pauses from punching itself in the face to score points with more than 10 seconds remaining in the game.

But I won't hold my breath if you won't.

Also interesting. At least one Ohio team has done something impressive on the football field this year. Things may not be going so great for our beloved Buckeyes, but it always helps when someone from that school up north has had a rough week, too.

Closing remarks. Bring it, Pelini. We got nothin' to lose.

Enjoy the game, and I'll see you on the other side!

O-H!

Midweek Merienda

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 21:14:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

It was a long offseason, and the new season isn't shaping up to be any easier.

So! Here are some amusing goodies for your perusal.

Enjoy!

Filed under V for Vomitous. It was written by mgoblog's Brian Cook, but I'm linking to it anyway because it's funny and Eleven Warriors wasn't too busy puking to link to it, either - This Week In Schadenfreude: Buckeye Walrus Apocalypse

YES PLEASE. FireJimBollman.com (hat tip to the first previous link. this was just too good to leave buried there)

More Back to the Future references. Dr. Professor Vrabro in 'Back to the Sutures'

Regarding Urban Meyer and, to a much lesser extent, Mark Dantonio. An open letter to Urban Meyer : Attention, MSU fans

Jim Bollman = Walrus. Twitter has spoken. (For those unfamiliar with ifttt.com, this link is to a "recipe" which, if you so desire, directs the service to check Twitter every 15 minutes for tweets containing the words "bollman" and "walrus" and email you said tweets. Could be hit or miss.) (Um, in the interest of full disclosure, I should admit: I made this. Might link to it again in the Nebraska preview if it proves fruitful.)

That'll do. See you Friday.

O-H!

Michigan State Wrap-Up

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 18:47:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

Well now. That. Was. Traumatizing.

So it's Tuesday again. Frankly, I'm still not really in the mood to think about the puke-fest of Biblical proportions we all witnessed Saturday.

But.

Ignoring it won't make it go away, so let's take a look.

As always, check out the box score and AP recap if you dare, for they are woeful, indeed.

Some more informed (but no less pissed off) opinions. (Again: bold links indicates a game-specific review link, non-bold means it's a general website link) Eleven Warriors, Along the Olentangy, Block "O" Nation, Blogging the Buckeyes, Buckeye Banter, the Buckeye Battle Cry (Are you not entertained? Spoiler alert: NO. No we are not.), The Buckeye Blog, The Duane Long Report, Inside the 'Shoe, Men of the Scarlet and Gray, Our Honor Defend, and the O-Zone.

Some numbers. Two-minute drill, Five things, Ten things, and the Buckeye Watch. My (least) favorite post-game stat: OSU had 406 yards punting. PUNTING.

My take. I honestly can't even pinpoint the most nauseating part of what we're seeing. I think #3 from the Ten things link above says it nicely: "This whole thing doesn't work without Tressel." He built the system that's still running at Ohio State; the only difference between then and now is that he isn't at the top. We lost some key players, sure, but the staff is basically the same, the game plan is basically the same, and we're missing the mind that put it all together.

In other, older news, Bollman needs to go (seriously, how does he still have a job? CRIPES). Fickell probably needs to go, too. He'll be a decent coach someday, and it's unfortunate for him that he was thrust into an obviously no-win situation, but it's just not his time, here. The stock ideal replacement name being tossed about is Urban Meyer, and I'm cool with that. Heck, I'll take pretty much anyone who can successfully right the ship.

Oh, and I don't know where else to mention this, so I'm just going to say it: I actually walked out of the room for our lone score of the game. I was just not in the mood to watch any more. It's probably just as well, because the touchdown was Bauserman-directed. Seriously? I'm not even sure a shutout would have been worse than that. The fact that he's the one who came in and threw a touchdown makes me want to gag myself with a rusty spoon. (That was neither here nor there, and I honestly don't mean to pick on Bauserman, but every angry fan needs a whipping-boy, right?)

Ok, I can't stomach much more of this, so let's move on.

Also interesting. Look, our beloved Buckeyes were finally and completely exposed, the Bills are no longer undefeated, and even my fantasy team lost this weekend (that's the dreaded O-fer, if you're keeping track at home). All I've got the energy for here is linking to this week's Alphabetical, in which M is for Misfire (although must stronger language would have been appropriate). UPDATE: I discovered another bit of gold from the Mark Titus mint after I posted this, but it's definitely worth reading: OK, Ohio State Fans. Maybe We Don't Have This.

Up next: Nebraska

Until then, do your best to rock on, my fellow sufferers.

I'll round this out with the quote of the week, also from thing #3:

"It wasn’t always pretty, but Tressel was the master of control. He built an entire system that relied on him at the head. Cut off the head, and this writhing, twisting body is what’s left—for however long it’s allowed to twist in the wind."

That's the world we're living in, folks. And since the bad news apparently CANNOT STOP, I suggest we all find something cuddly to keep us company, because it seems we won't be getting much lovin' from this team. (Ok, that's a bit harsh, I suppose, but if the best we can expect from this team is the opportunity to watch some young players develop, we are in for a HAUL.)

That'll do. See you Friday.

O-H!

Up Next: Michigan State

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 19:06:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

At last! Big Ten season is upon us! Time to settle in for a couple more months of ESPN cramming down our throats the idea that the football played by the SEC is the only "real" football played in this country, while acknowledging that the football played in the Big Ten is perfectly suited to the plodding soft-skinned elephants that make up the rosters of teams whose schools experience, you know, seasons. Who's excited?

I guess I'm feeling a wee bit snarky today, huh? (Also, I'm listening to the Tron: Legacy soundtrack, so I'm feeling an odd sense of urgency as I write this...)

Anyway. We're playing Michigan State tomorrow, so how about I focus on that for a few minutes? Good? Good.

The details. Kickoff is 3:30 at the 'Shoe, and the game will be televised on ABC.

Some more informed opinions. Eleven Warriors (with this week's Bucknotes), Along the Olentangy*, Block "O" Nation, Blogging the Buckeyes*, Buckeye Banter*, the Buckeye Battle Cry* (What do you want to see?), The Buckeye Blog*, The Duane Long Report*, Inside the 'Shoe, Men of the Scarlet and Gray, Our Honor Defend, the O-Zone, and Scarlet and Game.

(Something to note: you surely noticed that some of those links are bolded. Those are the sites whose game previews were already posted when I started putting this together. The non-bold links are just the general site links, and if you read this much later than the end of the workday, most of them should have posted their previews, as well.)

Some numbers. My (least) favorite pregame stat: Michigan State's passing defense currently ranks 1st in the country. So, yes: dang. OSU's passing offense? 109th. SUPER DANG.

My take. It hurts to say it, but the numbers lean slightly toward MSU. But. This is Michigan State we're talking about, the team that has, of late, played us quite tough each year just long enough to make us nervous, before inexplicably cough away the ball & the game. If our defense can resemble the silver bullets we want them to be, Sparty will probably do some coughing tomorrow. If, however, we allow our opponent to play mistake-free football, it becomes more of a toss-up.

Bottom line, even the best teams in the country make mistakes from time to time, so it becomes a question of whether or not our offense can capitalize. Braxton Miller, I'm looking at you, not because you resemble Troy Smith when you slip 'n slide around defenders, but because tomorrow's game will probably be the first time THE Ohio State University gives you the look that says, "Please, please win this game for us."

So. Please, Braxton Miller, win this game for us. Please.

Also interesting. Jaamal Berry has had a bad week (seriously, though, I do hope he's okay). Guy on a Buffalo (I have been laughing at that all week; it is totally worth your two minutes, and then some). And finally, Items in the SkyMall Magazine That Are Better than Illinois.

Closing remarks. Bring it, Sparty.

Enjoy the game, and I'll see you on the other side!

O-H!

Colorado Wrap-Up

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 20:11:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

Well now. That was more like it.

I am a day late, and I apologize. All I can promise you is that I won't make any gratuitous stampede jokes in reference to the fallen Buffaloes.

There, now that we've got that out of the way, let's review how Saturday's game went down, shall we?

As always, check out the box score and AP recap. (They're much easier on the eyes than they were last week. Like that's saying SO MUCH.)

Some more informed opinions. Eleven Warriors (with video highlights), Along the Olentangy, Buckeye Banter, the Buckeye Battle Cry (Are you not entertained?), The Buckeye Blog, The Duane Long Report, Inside the 'Shoe, Men of the Scarlet and Gray, Our Honor Defend, the O-Zone, and Scarlet & Game.

Some numbers. Two-minute drill, Five things, Ten things, and the Buckeye watch. Also, the Week 4 Numerical (I don't normally link to this because it comes out later in the week), in which our longest scoring drive of the week was 50 yards. FIFTY. YARDS. That there's called winning the field position battle.

My take. After the Miami game, Colorado was a nice breather, for us fans as well as for the team, and it showed. It was easier to watch, and it sure as heck looked like it was easier to play. Plenty to like, despite the questionable caliber of our competition. Miller looked relatively solid, especially for a true freshman. The way I'm remembering Pryor's early games, the running ability seems almost comparable, but Miller's throwing has a ways to go. And then there's Hall & Hyde. I don't know what to say about them, really, except that I LOVE THOSE GUYS. Also, Bauserman didn't start. I cannot overstate how glad I am that Bauserman didn't start.

Like I said, plenty of people will question how much evaluative value this game had because, you know, we played Colorado, but if nothing else, it gave this young team a much-needed confidence boost, got Miller some actual playing time, and showed us a glimpse of our QB of the future.

And the future looks alright.

Also interesting. I'm not going to lie, a Buckeye win is always a fantastic thing, but destroying the Buffaloes did not make me jump out of my seat. The Bills beating the Patriots after losing the 15 previous matches (FIFTEEN!)? Oh, yes. There was jumping.

Up next: Michigan State

Until then, rock on:

That'll do. See you Friday.

O-H!

Up Next: Colorado

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 19:17:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

Last week, I couldn't find the time for a proper preview; this week, I'm having difficulty mustering the motivation. I'm still a tad hungover from the loss, I think.

Now, Colorado doesn't exactly strike fear into my heart, but let's face it, after what we've seen the last two weeks, I don't think there are really any gimmes left on the schedule. On to it, then.

The details. Kickoff is 3:30 at the 'Shoe, and the game will be televised on ABC.

Some more informed opinions. Eleven Warriors, Men of the Scarlet and Gray, Our Honor Defend, Scarlet and Game (this one's new to me), Block "O" Nation, and the O-Zone.

Some numbers. MotSaG's by the numbers.

My favorite pregame stat: the last time Colorado won an away game, Braxton Miller was in the 9th grade.

My take. Here's the thing. foolish optimism prevented me from beating the "this year is going to be a lot harder than we'd like" drum from the get-go, but now I don't feel like I can say it enough. Colorado isn't great, but let's face it: neither is Ohio State. That said, the same foolish optimism tells me we can win this game, but I expect it to be much scarier than I'd like.

However. It's Miller-Time! If the boy can hold on to the ball and avoid turning into a Jacory Harris-style interception machine, I also expect to see some flashes greatness from him. All I really want to see is an occasional meaningful pass completed, a 100-yard rusher, and an epic beatdown that somehow channels the fans' collective rage over last week's loss. Is that so much to ask? What do you want to see?

Also interesting. This week in Buffalo: the Fitz Scream (here's the video). A chart. Another chart.

Closing remarks. Let's put last week behind us, shall we?

Enjoy the game, and I'll see you on the other side!

O-H!

Miami Wrap-Up

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 19:34:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

Well now. That. Was. Putrid.

Examine the box score and read the AP Recap. If you've got the stomach for them, anyway.

Some more informed opinions. (FYI: Now that the OSU Links page is up, I'm not going to wait for quite as many sites to post reviews.) Along the Olentangy, Eleven Warriors, the Buckeye Battle Cry (Are you not entertained?), Our Honor Defend, Men of the Scarlet and Gray and Inside the 'Shoe. Also, Dr. Saturday chimes in with the quote of the week:

"If this is what the quarterbacks are going to look like the rest of the way against non-MAC defenses, though, the Buckeyes may have inadvertently instituted a bowl ban on themselves."

Dang.

Some numbers. Two-minute drill, Five things, Ten things, and the Buckeye Watch. And 35. As in, yards passing.

SUPER DANG.

My take. As evidenced by our Buckeyes' first trip outside the top 25 in seven years, among many other things, this is going to be a rough season. Let's focus on the positives for a minute. I am enjoying the Hall/Hyde duo quite a bit, thanks. And our punter would have made The Vest a proud fellow, indeed. And, um, Fickell may have just punched his one-and-done card, thus putting OSU squarely in first place in the still entirely hypothetical Urban Meyer race.

And now I'm reaching. Because that's all I can do at the moment, I'm afraid. By the standards set over the last decade, this season is going to be a loss, period. But. Those were some HIGH standards, and we'll get back to them soon enough. This season, though, all I can ask is that Joe Bauserman never touch a football wearing scarlet and gray again. Miller is the obvious choice to take the reins for the rest of the season, but I wouldn't even mind seeing Kenny Guiton (remember him? I like to think of him as Dennis Dixon-lite) under center.

One last gripe. I would like to know who was responsible for making Luke Fickell attend the Les Miles school of Clock Management, and I would like that person fired. Luke, next time (and don't doubt there will be a next time), please call at least one of the three timeouts to make it look like you haven't conceded.

Also interesting. Eleven Warriors brings an interesting long read about another source of Buckeye woe, Maurice Clarett, who seems to be doing pretty well these days. This may only matter to me, because I live in Buffalo, but Smart Football's Chris Brown breaks down the play that makes the next statement true: the Bills won again! (I am officially intrigued to see whether the Bills or Buckeyes will win more games this year. Who'd have thunk it?) And of course, his week's Alphabetical, in which W is for Wastive, and which also provided the runner-up for quote of the week:

Ohio State, the recipient of this year's "Misbegotten Toxic Waste Truck On Fire And Hurtling Without Brakes Toward An Elementary School" award for offensive ineptitude. (see M is for Meretricious)

Anyway. I applaud anyone who manage to read this entire post. I know it wasn't easy.

Up next: Colorado

Until then, rock on:

That'll do. See you Friday.

O-H!

Up Next: Miami

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 19:45:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

I hate to admit it, but I'm just not going to have time for this today. Methinks perhaps I should work on my time management?

Since I'm not going to have time to aggregate everything nicely (and throw in some of my own semi-informed opinions), I thought I'd put together a little page for times like this. If you're feeling like clicking on a bunch of OSU/college football links this afternoon, YOU ARE IN LUCK. (<-- Click that. It will take you to a place with links galore.)

Ok, wait. I've got to have time for a quick take, right? I mean, this is the Ineligibowl (or the Lack of Institutional Control Bowl, if you prefer)! I've got to have a take!

Well. The first two games of the season have left me feeling somewhat confused. I don't love it, but you have to admit it's exciting. Or vomit-inducing. One or the other.

Anyway. I honestly have no idea how this game is going to end up, and judging from what is looking to be a pretty thin spread, I'm not sure anyone in Vegas or anywhere else does, either. I think Dr. Saturday put it best, although I take some offense to the first half of his statement: "In a collision of crumbling programs, I'll take the one with the more solid foundation over the last decade." Um, ouch. But I'll take it! I think we've got this one.

Enjoy the game, and I'll see you on the other side!

O-H!

with[in] the Bible

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 20:00:00 +0000

Gnoetry Daily is a hangout of mine where wordy & nerdy folk like myself spend time generating, talking about generating, and talking about the implications of generating poetry interactively with computer programs using source texts of all kinds.

Lately I've been working on generating poems from individual chapters of the Bible. The goal is to cover the entire Bible, all 1,189 chapters, but like Sufjan Stevens's Fifty States Project, it may or may not ever get that far.

Anyway. Below, you'll find links to two chapbooks, containing the output of my project thus far, the books of Genesis and Revelation. (I finished Genesis, and feeling the need for a change of scenery, as it were, chose the pleasingly symmetrical Revelation.)

Some specifics. For both chapbooks, each chapter is represented twice, with one poem generated using charNG and one poem generated using eDiastic. The source text for each pair of poems, as should become clear, is the corresponding chapter from the Bible. The version of the Bible I used is the World English Bible, because it isn't tied down by draconian copyright restrictions (I'm looking at you, NIV) and isn't terribly archaic.

Some aesthetics. As I told a friend of mine to whom I sent one of these already, if you know me and find yourself reading these chapbooks, don't feel you have to, you know, like them. This is not my grandfather's poetry, (which is amazing), and it's certainly not everyone's cup o' tea. Just saying. (But I'll have more on my grandfather's poetry another day.)

So. Without much further delay, I present (the first) two chapbooks from this project:

with[in] Genesis : with[in] Revelation

(A note about readability: I think it reads best as a PDF viewing two pages at a time; viewed that way, you can see both poems for each chapter simultaneously, which I think really adds something to the experience. Same goes for printing it out, if that's your kind of thing: horizontal layout, two pages per sheet.)

Enjoy!

Wednesday Miscellany

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 21:15:00 +0000

Going through stuff I'd bookmarked, starred, or whatevered to look at later. Later is now, I guess.

Data as Art: 10 Striking Science Maps (@ Wired). They're all stunning, but I particularly enjoy The History of Science Fiction, Data Mining the Bible (lots of other amazing stuff on that Chris Harrison's website, too), and A Universe of Standards.

19 Must Read Blogs for Married People (@ Simple Marriage). I have a few of these in my Google Reader already, but I still need to go through the rest.

Kevin Kelly. The co-founder of Wired, his website and output are almost too much. I bookmarked his site long ago, but I've never figured out how much of it to follow. He's all over the place, and it's almost all very interesting.

The Big Picture: Expansion and the 'super conference' are here again, just like the good old days. An epic post from Dr. Saturday (seriously, if you want to keep up with college football but only want to read one blog, his is the one).

And to round things out, some Calvin & Hobbes, just because: Suffice to say, I cannot add / so ask some other kid (BONUS: another Calvin & Hobbes, this one much more relevant to my stage of life)

That'll do. Be on the lookout for tomorrow's post, in which I'll announce & make available a couple of poetry chapbooks.

Toledo Wrap-Up

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 20:11:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

Well now. That. Was. UGLY.

The box score & AP recap.

Some more informed opinions. Again, it's going to be a tad slim this week; Rebekah started preschool today, so things have been a bit crazy. Eleven Warriors, The Buckeye Battle Cry (Are you not entertained?), Along the Olentangy, Inside the 'Shoe, MotSaG, and The O-zone.

By the numbers. Two-minute drill, Five Things, 10 Things We Learned, and the Buckeye Watch.

My take. Ugh. It's easy to wonder if it was more an issue of Toledo being that good or OSU being that bad. The perspective-loving part of me assumes it's a bit of both. But DANG. That was awful to watch. It was sloppy, I was reminded of why I didn't want Bauserman at the helm, I was reminded of why I want to see a change at offensive line coach, and just UGH. I know our last successful run at the national title was basically 14 heart attacks, but this brand of heart attack just isn't going to us 11 more games. Anyone else looking forward to the return of, you know, the offense (in the form of suspended players) a bit more this Monday? Yeah, me too.

Also interesting. Again, perspective is OK (though I'm barely succeeding in restraining myself from calling for Bauserman's head), as is a look Around the B1G in Week 2, and in this week's Alphabetical, R is for Rocket Fever.

Up next: Miami.

Until then, rock on:

That'll do. See you Friday.

O-H!

Genesis chapter one, Revelation chapter twenty two

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 21:04:00 +0000

In case you think I've given up posting about anything but OSU, I'm here to prove otherwise. I started a project a few weeks ago, and true to form, it's a huge one.

Using charNG and eDiastic, I'm generating poetry from the source texts of each individual chapter of the Bible. Naturally, I started with Genesis, but once I got through all 50 chapters, I decided I needed a break from the OT. Enjoying symmetry as I do, Revelation seemed an obvious next selection.

So. Here are the first chapter of Genesis and the last chapter of Revelation (mind you, not necessarily because they are the best, but because, as I have mentioned, I do rather enjoy symmetry). The first poem for both chapters was generated using charNG, the second using eDiastic (with a uniform seed text: "[book] chapter [x]"). And the Courier New is just to make the indents more pronounced.

Enjoy! (I'll be working on posting a chapbook for each book of the Bible I complete--noting, of course, that it is entirely possible I won't make it through the entire thing.)

Genesis chapter one

i.

  it
      was good.
  God saw
    that it was good.
God
let the living and waters.
God saw
moves, and evening
      fruitful, and, behold,
dominion over all the was so. God said, "Let the green
herb yielding
     third
after
the deep."
God
   called
their kind after the earth.

ii.

God
bearing kind
moves hovering, likeness

God
heavens land
appear grass yielding

years
deep, light
divided greater evening

seasons
creatures see
deep light divided
greater of and over

Revelation chapter twenty two

i.

    “Come!” He said
to
me, “These who keeps things to me,
      who
loves of
words
        is Morning to
the idolaters,
the
Alpha
and the
Lord. God adds to me These
     who
testify
of water
in
things
which are
   for
God and
the
bride.”

  I am they,
saying
      “Yes,
I
come.”

ii.

testify, name prophets
bearing filthy
righteousness

river still proceeding
Christ them away ::
take the book

Up Next: Toledo

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 17:38:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

This week's opponent, as you are all well aware, is Toledo. It has been a busy week, with Bethany starting school this Tuesday and Rebekah starting school next Monday, so this week's preview/wrap-up will probably be a bit thin. Just saying.

The details. Kickoff is set for noon at the 'Shoe, and the game will be televised on the Big Ten Network. (If you, like many others, find yourself without BTN, there's a link to listen to the coverage on OSU's schedule page)

Some more informed opinions. I'm switching to abbreviations this week, so try to keep up: 11W, ATO, tBBC (what do you want to see?), MotSaG, OHD, ITS, BON, and O-Z. Also, check out the Columbus Dispatch's Buckeyextra, and ESPN's preview.

My favorite pregame stat. Toledo has never scored against Ohio State. Ever.

My take. We all know Ohio State hasn't lost to another Ohio school in a million years, and while I don't think that will change tomorrow, I do think the score will be considerably closer than that in last week's game (any garbage-time touchdowns excluded, of course). Fickell will continue to be ultra-aggressive on both sides of the ball and eventually Toledo will cave. It's a tale as old as time, and it'll be a more fun game to watch than the "contest" against Akron. Oh, and I'm going to go ahead and predict at least one more TD for everybody's favorite tight end, Mr. Stoneburner. So there's that.

Also interesting. I confess I've felt mostly "meh" about Grantland, but this really made me laugh: the Bad Quarterback League. Also, I just wanted to link to this clip of Lou Holtz calling Mark May an idiot, because it is still making me laugh.

Closing remarks. Look, it's not Akron, but it's not exactly Oklahoma, either. Toledo should certainly put up a fight, perhaps even score some points, but After a stronger start to the season than we've seen in years, I'm looking for Fickell and this team to make another statement. Foot's not coming off the gas this week either, folks.

Enjoy the game, and I'll see you on the other side!

O-H

Akron Wrap-Up

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 18:15:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

Well now. That. Was. Nice.

The box score & AP recap.

Some more informed opinions. Just a few this week (been busy with the holiday and Bethany's first day of kindergarten and all). Eleven Warriors (video highlights), The Buckeye Battle Cry (Are you not entertained?), Along the Olentangy, Inside the 'Shoe, and The O-zone.

By the numbers. Five Things, 10 Things We Learned, and the Buckeye Watch.

My take. Despite this RIDICULOUS catch by Evan Spencer (seriously, we might as well close the voting for catch of the year right now), I remain most impressed, overall, by the play of Mr. Bauserman. I have not always been his biggest fan, but when he awkwardly scrambled in for that first touchdown, something clicked for me. And when I say "something clicked" I mean "he became, suddenly, at least tolerable". Maybe Boeckman 2.0 isn't such a bad thing after all. And in case things go south, we've always got Mr. Miller, who will apparently still be seeing a fair amount of playing time. All in all, though, a good showing by a team depleted by graduation, scandal, and 1-game suspensions. Yes, it was Akron, but 42 points ain't nothing.

Also interesting. B1G recap, week 1, The Week That Were, EDSBS The Magazine, Vol. 4 Issue 1 (love the first headline), and of course, the Week 1 Alphabetical.

Up next: Toledo.

Until then, rock on:

That'll do. See you Friday.

O-H!

Up Next: Akron

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 22:18:00 +0000

Fellow Buckeyes,

College football is finally back! (after the LONGEST. OFFSEASON. EVER.) I'll link to some better NCAA season previews than I could write, so let's get right down to business with this week's opponent, the Akron Zips.

The details. Kickoff is set for noon at the 'Shoe, and the game will be televised on ESPN. (Or if you find yourself without ESPN, there's a link to listen to the coverage on OSU's schedule page)

Some more informed opinions. Eleven Warriors, Along the Olentangy, The Buckeye Battle Cry (what do you want to see?), Men of the Scarlet and Gray, Our Honor Defend, Inside the 'Shoe, and The O-Zone. Also, check out the Columbus Dispatch's Buckeyextra, and ESPN's preview. And as usual, if you need some additional light reading, you can always check out the depth chart.

Also. The hardworking boys at Eleven Warriors are starting something new this year: it's a printable mini-program of sorts to keep handy during the game, and they're calling it Bucknotes. It's got some stats and depth chart info and a place to scribble some notes, and it looks pretty solid to me; I'll be trying it out this week, for sure. I'll let you know how that goes in the wrap-up on Monday/Tuesday. (And in next week's preview, I'll just throw it next to the 11W preview link; I just wanted to mention it specifically this week because it's new, so hopefully it won't be overlooked by anyone who might otherwise be interested in this kind of thing.

By the numbers. There are plenty of numbers to pick from, but let's go with this one, courtesy the OHD preview linked above: no team currently in the MAC has beaten Ohio State since the 19th century. Just let that sink in and try not to become a tad complacent. I dare you.

My take. This is the kind of game that's hard to worry about, honestly. But. If that sentence doesn't make you worry even a little, you probably haven't been watching college football very long. Still, while I fully expect to see plenty of cobwebs and nervousness coming from an Ohio State team full of younglings and replacements, it's difficult to imainge anything but a W coming our way tomorrow afternoon. The prognostications seem to be landing mostly in the 30-something to single-digit-something range, and I'm inclined to agree. I will admit, however, that I'd like to see rookie head coach Luke Fickell treat this game as the first of 12 (hopefully 13) interviews and run up the score a bit.

Also interesting. Spencer Hall (of EveryDayShouldBeSaturday) gives us 100 Absolutely Certain Thoughts For The 2011 College Football Season, while the Always reliable Matt Hinton (aka Dr. Saturday) offers a more conservative list: Eleven shaky certainties for the 2011 season. Of course, the "experts" have their opinions, too.And for those among us with a higher level of intellectual interest in football than I have, Chris Brown (of Smart Football) has your viewing guide for opening weekend.

Closing remarks. I won't lie, I can't think of much else to say, because I AM TOO EXCITED. Get psyched, folks: the season is finally here, so let's play some football!

Remember, "despite all the adversity surrounding the team this season, [we] can take solace in knowing that [we are] absolutely certain of at least this much — Michigan still sucks."

Enjoy the game, and I'll see you on the other side!

O-H!

Home again, home again, jiggity-jig

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 19:33:00 +0000

I'm feeling a bit impulsive today. I just deleted the WordPress.org version of this site (without much thought), and I moved LaToVP back to Blogger, where it belongs. Of course, the url is still latovp.mattlaff.com, but Blogger is the platform, as it should be.

And, well, this feels better.

Don't get me wrong, WordPress is awesome. You can do all sorts of crazy, awesome things with it, and with the zillions of plugins and what not. And that's a very cool thing.

But.

I just don't have (make?) time for that. One day I'll really, truly internalize that fact.

Here's hoping this is a step in the right direction.

--
Semi-related: the college football season begins this weekend (today, actually, which means it's time again for me to start hoarding links and rushing to judgment about my beloved Ohio State Buckeyes. Formerly found here, my previews/wrap-ups will be here (I'm trying to simplify things a bit, see?), so be on the lookout for the first preview of the season tomorrow.