Laane on the World

Our part to find the causes of autism

2009-07-09T22:48:00.005+02:00

july 9 2009

Today we got a call from a very nice lady.

She informed us about the start of our contribution to research to discover the causes of autism.
Part of it involves genetic research and part covers a lot of other theories and questions.
I was even able to add one myself.

She explained we will get a load of forms to fill in.
(Well, world, I only do it for you, because I hate filling forms very, very bad.)

Each child has to fill in his or her own part, and I have to answer questions about their pregnancies, childhoods and a lot more.
Teachers will be involved too.

Ofcourse I have to tackle all that for myself too.

After that we'll be invited for a morning at the hospital, where blood will be drawn, and the kids have to do some computertasks.

Taking part in this research is something we're all looking forward to.

A bracelet from Kat

2009-07-09T14:59:00.003+02:00

july 9 2009

We've returned to the grey humid days of summer.
I'm surprised no one has come up with the concept of Dutch Summer Depression, because it sure deserves recognition with this weather.

Today I should have been on my way to travel to England. To realize my dream that I'm having for 40 years now.
But the day will pass without me enjoying a holiday after 23 years.

I enjoy however something else.
A while ago Kat had a contest on her site and I won the lovely bracelet!!

Since then the girls and I enjoyed it very much.
One of the girls wears it with her orange flowers on white blouse, the other one with her green T-shirt and blouses and I just wear it when I have the chance. LOL!

It's so nice to have won this lovely handmade bracelet.
To know that someone made it with love and care makes it special.
Just a look at it and one is reminded there are good people in this world.

Thanks again a lot Kat, and enjoy your vacation!!

a puberty night.

2009-07-08T22:13:00.004+02:00

july 8 2009

Yesterday evening 2 of the boys didn't want to go to sleep.
So tell me, what can I do when there's nothing to promise them, nothing to take away from them?
Nothing that will not wake the whole neighbourhood?

This time the ADHD one was the problem.

When it was 4.30 hours I was so angry, and probably looking soo pale, that he finally gave in and went to bed.

Ofcourse I couldn't sleep anymore, being troubled with all sorts of feelings. One of them of being a bad mother.
I know puberty has those moments.
Well, after 4 autistic boys going through puberty I'm completely fed up with it.

It was 5.45 when I fell asleep (I heard a new radioprogram, the first interview and didn't hear the 5.45 newsitems.)
At 7 something woke me up. I don't even know what.

After sending a couple of people to the dentist, I dropped myself on the bed again and got some hours of sleep.

Woooo, the kids were so kind today.....

But I'll contact the psychiatrist of my ADHD boy, so he will finally re-diagnose him so he gets help.
He's got so many autistic features and he's dealing with so many problem autistic kids have to deal with too, that I know the outcome of the diagnosis.

Fertiliser, moving kids and waiting

2009-07-07T11:23:00.003+02:00

july 7 2009

The tropical weather has finally changed into normal Dutch summerweather.
In the house we need a few degrees less and all is well.

It will be a problem to get it down though.
Someone used fertilizer on his back garden. Pig dung.
I expect it's done by the new neightbours. They're completely clueless how to behave in a normal house.

Ofcourse I know I have to be grateful their constant bickering and arguing made the father of the kids feel the urge to leave this house too, but I'm not happy with the stinking cloud above our gardens.

In times like these I have breathing problems. Asthma and chronic bronchitis are life compagnions, and I can deal with them reasonably well as long as the air I'm breathing is odourless.
The fact that I had to get the laundry in and close the doors and windows, so the temperature in the house stays far too high, that drives me nuts.

Reporting the stinking disruption of these pre-vacation days can only be done by phone.
As I'm trying to live a life with as little use of these mini-dictators as possible my understanding for people with hearing deficiencies has grown.
Society seems to be molded around phone and car, but as long as the law doesn't order me to have one of each, I'll do without.
So I protested against the lack of use of email, asked if my complaint could be send to the right department and even requested not to report the findings of the sniffing in person, because it would upset my autistic boy.

My oldest (Asperger) has been chosen as the new inhabitant of a house where young autistic people get support during 4 days a week. It's a step between the trainingshouse and living on his own.
It's what he wanted, so I'm happy for him.

I feel sorry I didn't visit him very much at the trainingshouse. The new location is far easier to reach, so who knows.

In two weeks my second son will have a talk at the location where he wants to live. He was rejected because he doesn't have an IQ below 70. His social worker wants to have a go to try them to lift that requirement.
He's ready to leave the house.

We still haven't heard from the board that should decide about my autistic boy. He applied for daycare and they need to decide about the money. The daycare has a place open for him.

I still feel lost about not going to england.
I need a vacation so badly!!!!!

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Monday Crazy Questions

2009-07-07T00:48:00.002+02:00

July 6 2009

1. Do you have a bucket list?(if you have it posted feel free to post your URL)
If you don't have one, then jot down 5 quick things on a piece of paper that you know you'd want on your list...or imagine some of the things you know you'd put on a Bucket list to be. (potential future list)

moving to Scotland
find out where my dad served in the english RAF during WW2. (I know only two places)
parachute jump
Write a book about my experiences with the world of autism
travel the world as a travel reporter

2. Do you think you have already fulfilled anything on your bucket list or bucket list to be?

Oh yes.

wrote a book (and translated a few)
became an autism advocate
learned playing the bagpipes

3. what are the top 3 things you'd like to do before you leave this world?

Have my children living at a place where they can be happy
Find acknowledgment for what I've done to better the world.
See some of my friends and my soulbrother.

4. If it would take a lot of money to fulfill one of your wishes on your bucket list, would you try to find the money or just skip that one?

I really, really, really want to move to Scotland. It's such a deep inner longing.
We don't have money, not even to buy a house, but I will do all what's in my power to realise that dream.

5. Life is just a struggle.

6. The glass isn't half empty it's broken most days, so I drink my water out of a mug then.

7. If you had a chance to be with your MOST favorite entertainer in the whole world before you leave this world, who would that be and how much time would you want to spend with them?

I don't have one favorite.
But right now I would love to travel with Michael Palin to all the beautiful places in the UK.

8. If you were given the chance to go anywhere in the world before the end comes...where would you go and what would you want to see?

I would love to see the Mt. Everest and Tibet, and pay tribute to all the courageous people in the world.
Then I would go to Mali, make music and sing a lot, and then walk into the dessert and die.

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Manic Monday #175

2009-07-06T23:25:00.000+02:00

july 6 2009

Name two things you consider yourself to be very good at:

- speaking in public
- handling crisis situations

Name two things you consider yourself to be bad at:

- asking money for work
- going to bed at a normal time

Name one thing not many people know about you:

I would love to play Lucinda Walsh's unknown sister in As The World Turns.

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Threatening bloggers with court?

2009-07-05T23:23:00.005+02:00

july 5 2009

I'm sorry to withold my political comments you expect from me on the preterm escape of responsibilities given by those who thought she would be the best to represent the beautiful mainly white part of a huge nation.

Being able to see Russia from her bedroom window she fell for a higher calling which origins are still unknown.

Those who know me know how much I dislike facebook, so I won't cite the content of the publicized writings which spoke of plans which are too prestigious for someone who has made so many mistakes in the past and who isn't able to verbalise her plans well in interviews.

As a psychologist I'm not amazed by the many absurd ideas and dreamed realities some people indulge themselves in. It's a true adventure to study them and to see how they're able to draw other fools into their make belief.
The products of their minds so often follow the same patterns that I should be able to write a new submission for the DSM VI. I gather the development process of the creation of DSM V is too far to allow the uptake of new scientific researched personality disorders.
And ofcourse I want to prevent unnecessary lawsuits after bloggers and publications were openly threatened.
How serious an attourney should be taken who warns against fraudulous claims of bloggers is an open question.
It's certainly a forewarning of the way she wants to realize her ambition.

We bloggers don't claim.
We give our opinions and thoughtwebs of our own creative origin as individual writers as a way of dancing with poetry, prose, phantasy and freedom of speech.
We know facts speak for themselves.

The fact that history shows how many people blindly followed those who turned humanity into a disgrace is wellknown.

Flirting with silence becomes a victorian woman who wants to elude her friends when they request information about her private life, but it doesn't become a woman of this time who has been so many times lost for words.

I can only wait to see how serious americans take themselves and their country on the political stage.
She promised us theatre.
I'm curious whether it'll be a repeat of past history, a comedy or a drama.

Note:
Threatening the writing media and others with court when unfavorable, inconvenient etc texts are written is censorship and goes completely against freedom of speech.

400 years The Netherlands and New York

2009-07-05T15:55:00.002+02:00

july 5 2009

It's nice to hear that yesterday the bond between The Netherlands and the USA was celebrated with huge fireworks on the Hudson. 120.000 arrows were used.

400 years were celebrated.
Here we didn't know anything about it, so I wonder how many Dutch people were between the 2 million that watched the show. (I wasn't invited).

It was in 1609 that the english Henry Hudson sailed the Hudson with a Dutch VOC schip "de Halve Maen" and set foot on land at a place where now Manhattan is.
He and his english and dutch fellows started a trading post called Nieuw Amsterdam (new Amsterdam) and it grew out to New York.

I guess the news off the 400 years anniversary didn't get much attention yesterday, because here it's celebrated in september, from 8 to 13.

The Ship Hudson and his fellows used can be seen in The Netherlands Museum in New York.

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Pets

2009-07-05T00:06:00.002+02:00

july 4 2009

1. What was the very first pet you ever had? How close were you to that pet?

I didn't have a pet, but my gram had a dog and the dog was special to me.
Or was I special to the dog?

My mother was not the kindest person in the world and the relationship with my gram was..eh.. distant.

One day my mother visited my gram with me when I was a baby.
When it was time to leave she tried to pick me up, but the dog made clear he would attack her when she neared me.

That dog protected me against her, but also against the heat of the oven, against crawling too close to the door, and against a wasp in the room.

He didn't protect the other small children in the family. Just me.

2. What is the most unusual pet you’ve had?

My dad got some eggs from the farm nearby and he put them in a basket under a hot light.
We stayed the night watching the eggs come out.
The chickens grew up until they were too tall to stay in the back garden.
We brought them back to the farm.

3. How many different kinds of animals have you owned and which type do you think acted the closest to you?

I haven't owned animals.

Can we own animals?
We can have them as guest in our houses, feed them, hug them, teach them tricks. But they stay independent individuals.

4. Take the quiz: What Pet Are You Like?

You Are Like a Dog

You are a natural best friend. You are very loyal and faithful.

In your eyes, your friends can do no wrong. You will stick with them no matter what.

You have a protective streak, and you can be downright nasty if you're being threatened.

More than anything else, you are playful and laid back. You truly live in the moment.

What Pet Are You Like?

5. Do you have any desire to have an “exotic” pet? If so, what exotic pet would you most likely choose?

Well, I think it's wiser to leave animals in their natural habitation.

I like Jane Goodall and her work.
When I was younger I dreamed to join her and study the magnificent chimpanzees.
Wouldn't it be great to have contact with the creatures that are so close to humans?

6. Which exotic pet would you least likely own?

Snakes, spiders, you know... Ugh!!

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Saturday 9

2009-07-04T10:36:00.006+02:00

July 4 2009

Don't read when you're easily offended.

1. What is your favorite 4th of July memory? (If you aren't in the U.S., then use your own national holiday.)

We don't have just one national holiday, we have more.

One of my favorite memories is when I was about 7 or 9 and won the rolerskate contest.
We were there with my gram, her sister and my father.
Our neigbourboy was skating in a group with older boys. I admired him to bits.
That he admired me for winning was something completely new for me.
It placed admiring someone in a whole new light, because winning was for me far more important for overcoming the hesitation to show what I could do, than being better than someone else.
I didn't like the fact that some people were nice to me just because I'd won one of the many contests.
I was just the same person, and I thought it dishonest or something like that that people talked suddenly about me as the girl who won rolerskating whereas 5 minutes before I was just the pale, thin girl with the glasses.

We also had contests in streetdrawing. and some other typical old-dutch sports and contests.

They were all held in parks and on the streets.

People were happy with nothing.

2. Do you consider yourself patriotic?

No.
We don't consider ourselves patriotic here.
Patriotism is considered here the pride in one's country, thinking it's the best in the world.
Even more, patriotism hasn't a favorable feeling to it, because it's linked with countries interfering in other countries, going to war, and pride which make people feel they are a better breed than others. (looking down on other countries).

We do have a strong sense of belonging to our country. But it's not pride.
We embrace the way we make a true home for our family, the typical dutch meals, the history, the hospitality, the royal family, our freedom of speech, the discussions, (to mention just a few elements), but it's not a feeling that reaches outside, it doesn't need a symbol. It's nothing to show off.
Most people just know the first verse of the national anthem.
We don't belong to The Netherlands, we àre Dutch.
And because it's in us, no one can threaten to take it away from us. We can't lose it.
Maybe that's why we're willing to learn languages and we feel we have to speak english when we're in England and french when we're in France.
We don't need pride in our country, because we know where part of it. That's enough.

So no, we don't feel patriotic and I certainly don't.
I think we all live on a different part of Mother Earth as guests.
There's no need to feel better than others.

We're a country of traders, of salespeople.
It reflects in the character of the way we deal with our feelings towards our own country and other countries.
When you really want to respect other people, you have to understand them and don't feel high on a pedestal.

3. Do you like fireworks?

Yes, I do.
But when I was younger I liked it far more.

4. What are your plans for this weekend?

Doing the laundry, cleaning the house, try to feel a bit better because the temperature goes down, keep the peace between the people here, try to help them deal with their emotions.

5. Are you optimistic about the future?

Not about the political future, when you mean that.

I think our government wants to adjust far too much to what's dictated by some large countries in the world. The whole terrorist issue is blown to proportion so huge, that normal people are considered a threat.

We had to deal with terrorism in the past often enough when we had idealistic movements fighting to gain control. A train hijacked, schoolchildren kept hostage. We dealt with it and we went on living.

Now it's like we have to live the imagination and fears of others.
The way everything about people is controlled and registered is sick.
Why save 1,5 years of my mails, for instance?
Why take notes of everything a person does and save it for so many years?
When a child does something wrong when it's 4, it can still be seen when he's 54.
I have nothing to hide, but I don't feel free anymore.

Another thing is how political issues are dealt with.
The rise of the right wing politicians is frightening. And I certainly don't like the way some american journalists and others, like Dr. Phil, deal with it without true knowledge.
We have dealt with right wing rising in the past and we learned our lesson. The consequence of not listening to the warning signs was the murdering of Jews and WW2.
It was better that foreign interference didn't reinforce people who are too stupid for self reflection, like Wilders.

Well, that's one of the main reasons we want to leave the country.

6. Do you think everyone should serve in the military?

No, not at all.
I think it's a disgrace young people are used for political games and interference in countries.
Most wars and socalled peace missions have no use at all, and only raise more aggression and a set back in the economical climate and standard of life for normal people.

We have by constitution only a defensive army.
Still we're pulled in missions which are in fact not constitutional, because we're otherwise considered enemies of the USA.

Our soldiers die for a cause of another country almost no one in our country backs up.

I don't spread my religious beliefs around, but I do strongly believe the commandment that says that we shouldn't kill other people. Sending young people into war means a lack of respect for the lives of those young people.
I consider all my children unique individuals that are trusted to me. The trust given to me is that I'll give my best to make them become honorable people who respect other living creatures.
When I teach them they shouldn't hit another person when they're 4, and they shouldn't bully another child when they're 8, I can't teach them they're a hero when they shoot someone else.

My dad was in the Royal Air Force of England during WW2 to free our country from German occupation, after he worked for the resistance.
He helped pilots to find their way home, Jews to escape from being transported to the concentration camps. He worked as a flying engineer.
I've seen what war did to him and his army chaplain. And I see what war does with young people now.
I would prevent with my own life my children serving in the military to go to war in another country.
I don't give birth to have my children kill others.

7. Would you support a constitutional ban on flag burning?

Well, I'm not sure what's considered a constitutional ban.
And I think the question about flag burning is strange.

We don't consider our flag holy or so.
OK, it's a symbol of our country.
But we don't sing for the flag or salute or put it on school and campus grounds.

I don't think flags should be burned.

8. What end of the political spectrum are you?

We have a completely different political system.
A multi party system.
We can chose the people in our parliament not only by party but also by person.
Before the elections parties publicise a program, a system of plans they want to realise.
Voting is the result of reading those programs and chosing the one that reflects our ideas best.
It's much more democratic than a two party system in which people can only vote for the voters. (And much cheaper too.)

9. Where do you get your news?

From reliable sources in the region, by own research, fron journalist friends, from other sources like the national news agency. And from internet.
I like the news verified before it's published.

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Discrimination and the rest of today

2009-07-03T23:17:00.003+02:00

july 3 2009

Remember that doctor that refused to shake hands with me? Read here.

This morning my son had to visit him again and his father went with him.

The guy shaked hands with both of them in a very friendly manner.
He didn't even say a word when both father and son walked with him to the room.

Ofcourse my son had his own plans.
Because the medical information I had for that doc was completely ignored, my son was not willing to answer his questions himself.

So when the doc asked him about the results of the neurological exams he said he should ask his father, because he himself didn't know. So that doc had no choice as to accept the input of the parents.

Well, my son starts working again soon. But because we have to wait for the examinations of the cardiologist he's not allowed to do heavy lifting and such and he will be trained in counterwork and payments. Just a few hours a week to start with.

It's a great promotion! Yea!!

In the meantime I was at home and got the reaction to the complaint I made about the behaviour of that doc when I was there.

No apology.

Just a message that my complaint was received and discussed with that doc.
I should be aware that the doc should have been warned a parent would come with my son (that's not normal in our country) and that I should sit back and say nothing...etc. etc. etc.

It was like a new parents was introduced to parenting behaviour in the doctor's room

So this reaction will lead to a new complaint.

I didn't receive a reaction on all elements of my complaint, and there is absolutely no reason to educate me in normal behaviour.
In fact, I still believe that doc lacks social skills.
When they were talking about the death of the grandmother of my son he didn't even express his condolences.

And why do they want a forewarning that a parent will accompany a minor son, when they allow my husband to enter without one word?

Well, I was glad I was at home, because the weather was tropical again.
Humid and very hot.

In the afternoon I had to get the wet clothes from the line because bad weather came in so fast, I switched on the TV and was confronted with a powerful weather warning.
It was told that dangerous lightning was expected.

I was worried about the girls who have to cross a bridge over a wide canal.
They called soon after to tell me they would stay at school.

But when the weather permitted them to come home I didn't see them.
I was so worried!!

Turned out the school told all the kids to leave..... in thunder, rain and lightning (!!!).. and they went to the house of a friend nearby.
Didn't call me. Arghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

When they arrived home they were lucky they were not grounded until they're 25 years of age. LOL!

Well, we didn't get one drop of rain at this side of the bridge.
So I've cut the lavender from the front garden. And tried once more to sow lettuce.

Last year we got a huge amount of little packages of sunflower seeds.
Because good rain was expected I opened them all and threw them at the outer borders of the back and front garden.
I assume the birds will eat them.
There are so many young blackbirds and other birds in the garden.
I heard some finches talk with each other.

Ofcourse I like sunflowers, but the garden is so full of shadow, that I don't expect them to grow. And I love the birds around me when I'm hanging the laundry.

We didn't go out for an evening walk today.
Yesterday the moon was huge and orange/red, hanging low above the horizon.
Such a strange place.

I'm not feeling well, so I'd rather go to bed.
Bye!

Food 4 Thought Friday

2009-07-03T23:06:00.003+02:00

july 3 2009

Breakfast
What is the last movie you saw and how did you like it?

I can't remember. Sorry.

Lunch
What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

A while ago I had a very creamy one with chocolate chips. That was perfect!!
I love banana, lemon and chocolate best.

Dinner
What is one goal you want to achieve this summer?

I think it's ridiculous I can't go away to england or scotland... so I want to achieve a vacation.

Midnight Snack
What do you do to pamper yourself?

Watching the stars at night. Promising life will be better. Telling myself there must be a good reason why I have to go through this all.
Music is always good.

Recipe of the Week
(instead of your recipe for life, what is it just for this week?)

Report it when you're not treated well by a doctor.

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Tropical day

2009-07-03T01:35:00.004+02:00

july 2 2009

Bags of bedsheets came from the house and I washed them all.
Got them all on the line and dry in one day.
Amazing.

It was a tropical day.. in fact it still is.
It's half past one in the night and at most places the temp is still above 20 degrees celcius.

The girls are sleeping.
They had a fun day.
Instead of a sportsday at school with all kids running around with ball games, they had to chose a sportive activity and they both chose horse riding.

Ofcourse they waited until yesterday evening before telling they couldn't go there with the mother of a friend, as they told us before.
They horse riding school is so far from here that they weren't allowed to go by themselves, so their dad said he would bicycle with them. His mood didn't improve one bit by his own decision.
So I had a look at the busschedules...

They went by bus, had an enormous good time riding through the woods with an instructor beside each of them, and a good bus ride back.

My autistic son doesn't want to go to sleep.
He can't cope with this high temps and he doesn't care one bit how someone else is feeling.
I'm lucky he isn't yelling the whole neighbourhood awake, but the night isn't over yet.

He's also angry at his brother, who's having a lan party with his friends.
Ofcourse he feels bad he's not invited, even though he wouldn't have gone anyway, but in his experience he misses a strange kind of security now his brother isn't at their room.

I'm so tired of dealing with all of these problems almost each day.
Everyone is asleep in the neighbourhood, except us.
I can's show my emotions, because he can't deal with them and he'll only get angry because he can't.

Now England is out of the agenda I'm sucked in the depressing endless sequence of days again.
Sometimes I even wonder why I invested so much to make them behave rather normal, because people have no idea what a struggle it is every day.

Imagine a 17 year old who's afraid of water and who refuses to shower during these days. I can't lift him and put him in the water, and he doesn't fall for positive reinforcement anymore.
Imagine shaving a 17 year old who is at least 25 cm taller...
He's afraid to shave himself.

His brother just came in. The boys decided to stop the lan party, because it's so hot they were afraid their computers might get overheated.

So upstairs the lights will be out soon...I hope.
And maybe I'll get a few hours of sleep.

A circle and walls

2009-07-02T01:52:00.003+02:00

july 1 2009

My ADHD son wasn't diagnosed with epilepsy, but he's referred to the cardiologist.
The neurologist wants the referral to be realized soon.

He'll refer to a mutual friend who saw my son when he was a baby. So it's like the circle is closing.

When he won't be available my son will be referred to the grown up department of cardiology.

We'll see.

In the evening my autistic son and his father had a row.
It was the result of his father considering the breaking of a bag with sweets as something his sister did at will. She didn't.
Her brother stood up for her and his father didn't accept it.
I told him to finish the situation by walking away, but his ego was more important than parenting.

Ofcourse I understand that he's dealing with his feelings about the death of his mother and the burden of sorting out the house.
But I don't understand his negativity and lack of interest in parenting.
He just doesn't care how to deal with autism.

All 23 years I've done almost all the parenting, which means I have to be at home all the time.
I expected to be able to go away for a weekend.
Already I canceled the week I wanted to take a vacation.

Well, I won't accompany my asperger son to London, because I have to stay in this prison here.
After all these years with a socalled partner, who is nothing more than an uncaring hotel guest, I feel terribly lonely.
Thought that returning to England, even for a few days, would cheer me up.

Well, like I said to an online friend, I'd better start painting these virtual prison walls.

What will we do when I'm stuck in this life 25 years?
Not even two years to go from now.

She said: "Because it's good for you".

2009-06-30T17:36:00.006+02:00

june 30 2009

The weather changed into almost tropical summer.
First, saturday afternoon, the town was flooded with rain. We were lucky to be just outside the worst. Only the lettuce in the garden was completely destroyed again.
Then we had a few horrible humid days and now the sun is shining full and happy.

When I decided not to go on a vacation to england the family sighed from relief and I got a lashback I'm fighting against. I really looked forward to going. So I feel horrible. I just hate my life and I thought that realising a dream would enable me to cope better with the day to day stress of the kids and all the care and lack of it around them. Well, they need so much that I should be happy to be able to eat.

Thought to phone the doctors practice to check whether it was really possible to get my blood checked today.
Got the unkind desk assistant.
One way or another she drags me into feeling bad each and every time.

She told me that today wasn't the day to check my blood.
No problems with that. I thought so.

Then I asked her for a labform so I could get my blood checked at the lab tomorrow.
No, I needed to make an appointment with the diabetesnurse.
That means being told I'm overweight, like I don't know that myself, and get all that info that is all over the internet.

And I'm told to lose weight.
I eat perfectly healthy, in fact I still eat the same as when I got diabetes, and I was 55kg then. My diet is minimal.
I grew fat when I started to use the diabetesmedication, got cholesterolproblems and all that. Just on the same diet.
So don't tell me that losing weight will improve the diabetes.
Obesity isn't the cause of diabetes, at least not in my case. It's a consequence that makes me hate myself.
I was a ballet dancer, and inside me she's still there.

So I kindly told the desk assistant that I didn't want to visit the diabetesnurse.
She started to insist, I told her that I don't have time to show up at all these appointments.
She said I should... I asked "who says so". (The doc doesn't...)

She told me I shouldn't get irritated.
Then she threw all her power in the discussion: "It's good for you. The nurse means well with your health."

Oh my gosh!! She said: "because it's good for you". LOL!

I took a deep breath and told her that I'm at an age I need to be able to take care of myself and that I want to take care of myself. So, please would she tell me where I could get that labform...

Then the discussion stopped and she needed to know what should be on the form, she would ask the doc for his signature.

...

I still don't know where to get that form. LOL!

We used to have a special system on the wall at the old building.
We don't have it here.

Later I got a letter in the mail stating that my ADHD son needs to meet that impolite business doctor again. (He wanted to see my son last friday but we cancelled it because of the funeral.)
Ofcourse I don't feel like accompanying my son to someone who treated me like dirt. (see here).
His father offered to go.
Let's see if the guy dares not to give him a hand. LOL!

Graphic made by me with tubes from Outlaw by Design.

dangling on an open bridge

2009-06-30T16:02:00.002+02:00

june 30 2009

many tourists love the open bridges in The Netherlands, but the inhabitants have to deal with the lesser pleasures.

When someone sees the bridge will open soon, it means loss of important time, and the driver of this car thought he could cross the bridge in time before it opened up.

Manic Monday #174

2009-06-29T23:12:00.002+02:00

june 29 2009

What is the longest love relationship (partner) you have had, and if it has ended, why?

I don't count love in years.
And "love"... what's love?

I married after 1.5 years of seeing each other every day. We studied together, ate together, and changed into living together in the same house and spending the nights too.

That's 29 years ago.

The love changed into loveless gradually when I realized it was not love that pushed him towards me, but convenience and pleasant habits.
And those pleasant habits.. well..., they disappeared.
I turned out to be married to someone autistic, who didn't care about my feelings.
Instead of partying at our 25th wedding anniversary we were at a lawyer to divorce.
We didn't finalize it when the government changed so many things regarding financial situations of divorcees and regarding child care, that it was clear the divorce would deteriorate the lack of care for my autistic kids even further.

So we're in the same house now for 29 years, with the agreement we'll legally divorce as soon as I meet a new partner.

I doubt I'll meet someone new, but it would be nice to be hugged.

What is on your bedside table?

Alarm, small basket with thingies like lipcare. Some old letters, some giraffes from my collection (one keeps my glasses on his head at night).

How many pillows do you have on your bed? Do you make your bed every day?

6 pillows, but I sleep on 2.

You're cheating...these are two questions.

No, I don't make my bed every day, but I pull it straight, so that almost does the job.

Logo made by me with tubes from Outlaw by Design.
It's permitted to download it to your own computer and upload it to your site.
Please don´t direct link, as it slows down my site. I´ll change the link regularly so you´re left with an empty space or a red warning sign.
Please credit properly.

Monday Crazy Questions

2009-06-29T23:09:00.001+02:00

June 29 2009

1. what would you say is your biggest blessing ?

The twins (two in one.)

2. do you shop on line...Home goods or personal items? Can you tell us what personal items you look for??

Sometimes.
Something for myself when I've earned a few dollars.

Right now I'm looking for a totebag that's fun, and almost 55x40x20 cm.

3. Name a song from your past that you have always loved. what year was it recorded?

I like so many songs for different moods.
To be honest, I don't care when they are recorded.

4. If you found out there was a pedophile living in your neighborhood, would you take any action or ignore the fact??

Considering the fact that so many mistakes are made in judging people, even in court, I would take no special action upon the warnings I give my children regularly.
Most problems regarding child's safety come from people who are known to the parents and the children, so not accepting certain behaviour should be a lifestyle.

5. If you could live in any city In the USA...what would it be.

I don't know, because I don't know the cities of the USA.
Because I now want to move out of this place I say I'll never want to stay in a city again.

6. what is the one city you wouldn't live in even if you were paid to!?

Many cities. There's too much noise, pollution and too little nature.

7. If you were strapped for cash would you ask a parent or sibling for money?

I've never ever done that, even when I have nothing to eat for myself at dinnertime but a slice of bread (which happens regularly).

8. what is your most favorite thing to do to relax when you are not working?

I feel like I'm always working.
I love music, playing with psp7, talking with friends online.

Logo made by me with tubes from Outlaw by Design.
When you want it, please ask it.

Probably not going to england

2009-06-28T15:15:00.004+02:00

june 28 2009

All my life I've zipped away my feelings and as far as I can see I have to keep up sticking them away.

I don't think I'm able to leave for England for a vacation.

There's not enough cooperation here, there's not enough money to pay for a decent B&B or something like that, and too many things still need to be done after MIL died.

She didn't leave an inheritance.
There have been some moneyissues discussed, but I'll leave it at that, because it has nothing to do with us and it's in the past.

Problem is that the whole house needs to be cleared and we live quite far away.
One of the boys doesn't want to help and has withdrawn himself from everything, one of the boys has special needs and promises to do things without doing them.
So that leaves us.

Instead of taking three days free from work (his boss told him he was allowed to do so), and calling those who need to fetch things and ask our boys to help clean the rest, my advice is pushed aside and everything is stretched far into july.
That means the kids will be alone here when I'm in England, and that can't be.

The few days in London, friday and the weekend, are not the main reason to go.
I know London and I like to be there, but the hotel that was booked for us is noisy, in a neighbourhood I don't desire and the room is a 4 bedroom one. Me and my son are sharing it with people we hardly know.
I wanted to put up with it, because I wanted to go to the english hills and spend a week relaxing, but when I can't have a bit of minimal confidence things will be OK, I'm not going.

I feel very sad about this.
Can't find words for it.

High maintenance

2009-06-27T13:59:00.002+02:00

june 27 2009

1. If you know someone who is interested in you happens to be high maintenance, are you as likely to date them anyway?

Well, it depends on what this high maintenance is about.
I'm not a slave, nor do I want to be the only one doing the work in the house. I'm doing that now, and I'm exhausted.
I also want time for myself, to do my own things.
When high maintenance means quality time, then I'm OK.
I don't mind a person with a disability, as long as he's caring and good for me too.

2. Do you get more frustrated by your home being in a state of disarray or your workplace being in a state of disarray?

My home is my workingplace. And with so many people with special needs and no help at all, ever, it's a mess at the moment.
I can't keep up with everything anymore, especially not when there are so many appointments as the last months and a funeral in between.

I have learned not to care, because that would be the source of stress any day and that's not worth it.
But I get frustrated when visitors come.

3. You decide to go to the grocery store where you don’t expect to run into anyone you know. How dressed up are you likely to get?

I'm always looking OK when I leave the house.
It's not that I run out after swapping the floor.

4. Take the quiz: Are You High Maintenance?

You Are Low Maintenance

Compared to most people, you are incredibly easy going.

To be honest, you are truly a breath of fresh air.

You are open minded about trying new things, and you're not upset when things don't work out.

You are willing to go along to get along. And your attitude helps you truly enjoy life!

Are You High Maintenance?

Imagine, I couldn't even answer the first question because I cut my hair myself.

5. How important is it to you that the person you would date would be roughly “in your league” lookswise?

Well, I don't want him to be extreme right or discriminating in any way.
I feel strong about the hospitality of a country and I think that when we allow people to emigrate to the warm countries or to countries where they can get richer, we also should allow the fugitives and people who want to live here to do better than in their homecountry.

I can't deal with people who are intolerant.

6. Do you prefer spending more on a birthday gift for a close friend of having them spend more on a gift for you?

I always feel uneasy when I get a big present.
We don't have much to spend, so I never give something expensive.

But when I'm truly honest, I would love to get an enormous present once in my life.

I've never had a surprise party, and I think I'd love it.
And I would love a millionaire to jump in and give me the dreamvacation of my life or my own place in Scotland.

I do have my silly dreams you know. It's the little girl in me. I can't silence here.

Want to take part too?
Click the titel.

Logo made by me with tubes from OSweet and Kool.

just blogging a bit

2009-06-26T13:46:00.004+02:00

june 26 2009

She's buried by now.

I don't know if the family is already in the train going home or if they're still there.
Ofcourse I couldn't go, because someone has to stay with my autistic son.

I thought it would be a good time to sow the bag for england, but when I got the machine, the electric step thingy wasn't in the box.
It should be somewhere.
I can only hope none of the boys cut the wire off.

Didn't sleep at all last night because it was so warm and humid.
Everyone had a bad night. Some out of fear they wouldn't wake up in time to catch the train for the funeral.

Bad weather is coming our way.
Have to get the laundry inside...

Food 4 Thought Friday

2009-06-26T11:12:00.003+02:00

june 26 2009

Breakfast
What is your favorite part of the summertime?

I love the early mornings, when the air is still fresh.

Lunch
How was this week different than others?

My MIL died at father's day.
The rest of the week the funeral was prepared etc etc.

Dinner
What did you think of Michael Jackson?

He made a lasting impression when he was young.
Sure, he was talented, but I'm not as impressed by what he did than many others. He was a product of his time and already had fame to rely on when he moonwalked and made his famous numbers.
He wasn't the first who did the moonwalk. I've seen it done in WW2 movies.

I've always had a sad feeling when I saw him.
He made me think that his self-acceptance was about zero and all he did to improve himself was just a kind of helpless and desperate action, again and again.

Since yesterday evening the number of fans has risen tremendously.
Those who gossiped about him, and those who believed the worst, now suddenly call him the best ever.
This makes his death even more tragic.

I hope he rests in peace.

I also want to remember Farrah Fawcett who fought such an intense battle against cancer.

Midnight Snack
What do you have planned for this weekend?

Nothing yet.
I need to find a suitcase or a travelbag for my trip to england.
Need to find an affordable place to stay from july 15 tot 22 somewhere in the hills, not too far from London, so I can finally get some rest.
When I don't find something I'll be back home after 3 days of London. Ugh.

Recipe for the Week
(instead of your recipe for life, what is it just for this week?)

The best artists are often overlooked.

Want to take part too?
Click the logo.

More attention for a dead person

2009-06-25T23:25:00.004+02:00

june 26 2009

This week has been far too busy due to the death of MIL.

The father of the children went to her house a lot of time to arrange the funeral, to help his brother who has special needs, and to arrange the emptying of the house.
I did my part here. Took over his duties at home, informed the kids, wrote the eulogy, made lists and dealt with everything else, including paperwork for the kids, etc etc.

Ofcourse I sat down with my autistic son a lot of times. He got plenty of attention.

But I don't give in to his eating problems, like his dad.

This evening he was fed up with the change in routine and the lack of his favorite crisps.
He was asked once again whether he wanted to go to the funeral (in that case I would be able to go too).
Ofcourse he said "no".

It was silent for a while, but the air around him was trembling.
Something was emerging.

Then suddenly he got very angry and yelled:
"You all have more attention for a dead woman than for an autist that's alive."

At that moment the world was unaware of the death of Michael Jackson....

Going to England... worries

2009-06-22T15:03:00.005+02:00

june 22 2009

I'm looking forward to going to England.
After 40 years finally a dream comes true.
Ofcourse a lot has changed. But I'm sure the essence of the country has stayed the same outside the large cities.

Me and my 23 year old asperger son will arrive at july 10 before breakfast.
In the afternoon we'll check in in a, what other people consider, noisy hotel, in a 4 person bedroom my son and I have to share with a couple we barely know.
Well, there's no room for complaining because the flight and the bed until the 14th are paid.

That's the reason I'm going.
Maybe this is the last chance to go to the country I've considered my home when I was young.

I'm worried though.
With the death of the MIL, we're faced with a lot of unforeseen expenses.
Adding to that, one of the boys has broken his bicycle to such extend that he needs a new one, and my second son, the one who wants to become a photographer, needs to have an expensive camera for his studies.

I'm afraid I won't have money enough to stay a few days longer and it brings me to tears.
The images that are still in my head are not only from London, but also from outside London.
It's impossible to visit all those places again, but a little bit of hills and nature should be on the agenda.
Just to relax after 23 years taking care of autistic sons and after more than 30 years living with a partner who is autistic too and doesn't see my emotions one little small bit.

Today I started putting together the things I want to take with me.
When I see people pulling huge suitcases behind them I feel stuck in my teenage years. Well, the meds need to go now, and the size of my clothes is larger, but beyond the very basic I'm not able to see what needs to be taken with me too that requires so much space.

I was looking for a small suitcase, as handbagage, but the things are so expensive. Then I wanted a travelbag.
Now I just take one of my regular bags, put my stuff in it with a camera, my passport and extra glasses and that's it.

Before yesterday I wanted to sow a nice tote bag. But I don't have fiberfill, and it takes too much time to go to town.

So all will be very basic.

Just me and my son going to england.

Wish I could find an affordable place to stay in a nice area with hills not too far from London. I'm dreaming of staying somewhere outside London from july 15 tot 22.

Wish I would find a sponsor so I could enjoy my first vacation in 23 years just like anybody else...

Woohooo... is there a millionaire hearing me who wants to sponsor me??

Woohooo!!!!!!!!!

She passed away

2009-06-21T23:27:00.000+02:00

june 21 2009

She was born in a large family, married to someone who wasn't accepted by her family, and got three children.

Her life was tragic.
A husband who never trusted her.
He was as paranoid that he wasn't able to let her go to the physiotherapist, without questioning her about the man who left through the same door.

Through the years they got a balance in the way they both perceived the world.

When they met me, history repeated itself.
I wasn't accepted, was followed in the streets to control me and often I was told their son should have married M, a nice girl living in the neighbourhood.

Ofcourse I assumed that the first grandchild would change the world.
I was wrong. The distance between both families only grew larger.

When her husband died we thought things would change.
In a way it did.
She got more social contacts, was able to go shopping and have fun fitting dresses with a family member.
She saw some of her grandchildren before her mind started to dwell in the past and moments of the present faded away more quickly than they happened.

Ignoring herself, her happiness and her wellbeing had become such a way of life that she detected her cancer far too late.
Surgery last week should have brought her more time to experience freedom, but instead she became agitated, wanted to go home.
The last image of her is one of goodbyes.

While her son walked away to go home, wondering whether she even knew who had been there, she leaned on her stick and suddenly clearly asked him to greet her grandchildren and me.

It was her first and last effort to tie a knot between us all.
Maybe a way of giving forgiveness a chance.
She bridged the gap of time and place.
I hope we both smiled.

In a moment of delusion she ripped open the stitches and caused herself so much harm that she needed more surgery.

This morning the hospital told us that they wanted to speak with the sons.
We expected this would be her last day.

In the evening she slowly passed.

She never regained consciousness after the last surgery.

I'm so glad that at least death was kind to her.