Lace and Muskeg

Head on over...

2014-02-24T14:30:00.001-06:00

Hello lovely followers and readers! I'm so happy you guys are still here! As you've all probably noticed - there's been a significant lack of posts on my end of the world.

Well, since the new year, I've been busy moving blogs. With a new year comes a few changes, and I feel like I've outgrown Lace and Muskeg for the time being. I might be back, but until then you can find me here, at Take me to Unicorns.

I'm really hoping this new blog will be just as awesome as Lace and Muskeg - following my new interests in geek culture while still keeping with the creativity, body-positivity and feminism that you guys all love! I've got LOTS planned, and tons of cool stuff in store - so head on over!

Either click the link above, or click the picture, which will take you straight to the new goodness that is my blog. I miss you! I hope to see you all there!

Cheers!

3 Questions...

2013-07-02T12:28:00.004-05:00

(source: unknown - this is the best I've got)

Well - it's July. Man, the year has been a crazy mess of things coming and going. Then again, I keep hearing everyone saying "WOW 2013, where have you gone?!" and honestly...I don't want to be that kind of person. It's July. After June and before August.

And honestly, I've spent the past few weeks in one of those 'I have no idea' hazes. The kind where everything seems muddy and you're in-between places and you seem kind of lost, but not lost enough at the same time...

Yeah. It's been a weird few weeks.

And I know that all seasons of life ebb and flow, and that eventually I'll pull out of this weird place. I feel like I'm slowly emerging myself. And what I'm really finding to help me are three simple questions. They're giving me enough clarity to hold out through the aimlessness, and maybe they can give you some, too.

What do I want to learn?

What do I want to improve (that I already know a bit of)?

What do I want to experience?

I'll see you on the other side of this weird, twisty tunnel, friends.

Oh, Motherhood...

2013-06-18T14:42:00.001-05:00

(source)

I have something to admit, here.

I don't want to have kids.

Now, I know some people are going to jump to attention, and start chiming in “Oh, honey, that will change once you're older. Once your clock starts ticking, those eggs start disappearing, you'll want them.” or “Oh – don't you feel like this is something you're going to regret when you're older? Don't you feel like you'll be incomplete without going through all that?”

And I will say, again, I don't want to have kids.

No, dear world, it is not my duty to bear a child. It is not my 'duty' to be pregnant, or raise a child from the bottom up. And I would appreciate it if people stopped looking at me like somehow, somewhere, some day, this pink-hued glow will color my vision, and I will become suddenly a baby-hungry machine.

I know a lot of woman my age, younger and older, who want children. They're totally happy with that, and the world is ok with that. But when I express the fact that I don't want kids, suddenly people get upset, people get angry, people get wistful and weird – like they know something I don't know...

Well, here's what I know: The thought of being pregnant terrifies me. The thought of raising a totally helpless creature for the entirety of it's life terrifies me. Squishy baby heads...no way. The thought of bringing more children in to an already overpopulated world alarms me. The thought of being judged in a world absolutely awful to mothers – working or not, makes me angry. The thought of putting my own life on hold for a baby would make me miserable (I'm a horribly selfish person, I know).

And I'll be honest – I have never honestly felt 'motherly'. You can ask the M – whenever he's in need of some TLC, or any kind of doting, I'm usually the last person he asks. Or if he seriously needs it, I react like Sheldon does with Penny. Yes – this is how I do motherly.

Now, don't get me wrong, I freakin' love kids (and I do possess compassion - it's just rarely classified under 'motherly'). Kids are awesome. I think kids are some of the coolest people on the planet - and I really think we should take kids more seriously. Teenagers are awesome. But I do NOT want to be their mother. Nope.

I'd rather be the cool auntie – taking them for trips, showing them things, making their parents angry when they come home all worldly and totally grouchy because their mom and dad aren't as awesome as Auntie Mel. I'd much rather challenge kids, teach them, help them, laugh with them, share moments with them. Be the kind of adult Iwish I had around when I was young. And for me, that doesn't mean motherhood.

I'd much rather be an Aunt. And I think it's gonna stay that way, world – so please: stop giving me that look, leave my womb alone and just accept it.

Outfit Post - Pink and Polka Dots

2013-06-13T23:33:00.000-05:00

(I call this one my 'fuck flattering' pose)

First fashion post? Yes, I think so. Now - I don't know if you can tell or not, but I'm new to both a) being photographed and not trying to hide, and b) fashion in general. I'm the type of girl who spends most of her time clothes shopping hiding in between the clothing racks. Although when I do find pieces that speak to me, I certainly take the opportunity and nab 'em.

Most people decribe my style as something between a grandma on acid, mixed with a Balkan Mori Girl. Yes. It's cutting edge. Did I say I was new to this whole fashion thing already?

Anyway - here's the details

Polka-dot tank top - Forever 21+

Pink Circle skirt - Thrifted (Courage, My Love - Toronto)

Black Leather Moccasins - Walmart

Lipstick - Lush

I think the most expensive thing on this list was the lipstick (whaaat?!) and even that I bought on sale. It's amazing what having no money can do to your outfits. But honestly - this is one of my favourite formal-yet-no-too-formal outfits to wear out. That skirt is one of my absolute favourites - it's flouncy in all the right ways. Don't mind the bike shorts peeking out - I'm not the most lady-like in skirts and such; to avoid incident I always wear these so I can be as un-ladylike as I want to.

TEDucation: if I should have a daughter...

2013-06-12T11:00:00.000-05:00

I have stumbled upon the spoken word section of TED. These next few weeks - honestly - just tell me what you think about them. All the ones I've seen so far gave me goosebumps. Do you have any other artists for me to watch obsessively?

Have you ever tried spoken word before? I want to - after watching this. I just might.

weekly plans - Crystals, maps, Now

2013-06-10T23:21:00.000-05:00

Hooray for getting my act together and finally fixing my camera (thank you to think forum post for helping me to fix my piece of junk camera! Oh - technology...)

Here are my plans for this week:
1. Finishing up my art journal inspired by Kara's "You Go Girl" class. I love this girl's style!
2. Spending an inappropriate time in my own fictionalized world of Arcana (that's the map I drew) - ecking out my first draft - oh the joys of putting down a stubborn idea...
3. It's time to do a summer evaluation of how I've been meeting my goals this year. Eep - time to measure up - I'm pretty impressed with myself this year, but hopefully some clarity will come of it
4. Re-reading this awesome book. It's one of my favourites - I make it a point to read it after my birthday every year.
5. New tea came in - Alpine punch - a surprisingly summer-y winter tea! I will be drinking lots of it this week.
6. I have to re-charge and cleanse my crystals for the coming summer. They're in need of some love.
7. Using up some long-lost film. Excited to see what I can do with this...
8. Dancing! So much dancing! I'm teaching a workshop weekend this week - and it's going to be a blast!

What do you have planned for your week?

Truth: I grew up on Abstinence-only Education

2013-06-05T11:50:00.002-05:00

(image still from Virgin Tales)

(This is a post entailling my own personal experience with adstinence only education.

It is very triggering - please do not read this if you're triggered by abortion, rape, religious-inducted patriarchy or violence.

This is not an attack on anyone's beliefs - only those forced on me. Please be respectful when/if commenting, as it is a very personal topic.)

I was given abstinence only education. I was given abstinence only education and this is the first time I've written about it - and it terrifies me to do so. I still struggle with the reprecussions of this - but letting it go and writing about it is a big step to healing - so here goes...

Our teacher writes the words “SEX” in big, ugly green letters on the board. Her chalk squeaks as her hands scrawl it across the board – angry. She stands at the front of the class posed like some sort of policewoman – far more tall and proud than she has been the whole school year (she was awful, regardless of what she was teaching – but that's another story).

“Do you know what this word means?” Not really. We were in grade 5. But we learned more and more about this vague, taboo word every year we had the same discussion. Same big ugly green word. Same phrases and platitudes carved in to our brains. “It's a sacred act that God only wants you to have between your husband or wife, and you.”

We learned about masturbation – it was wrong. But definitely more wrong for girls than for boys because – well, we all know, boys can't help it. God likes boys better. God is more lenient with boys because the patriarchy is backed by God.

We learned that sex before marriage made you feel dirty. Made you feel used.

We had an activity where the teacher picked one girl, and set her at the front of the class. She had the rest of us form a circle – girls in the middle, boys on the outside. We shook hands with everyone in the circle, going around and giggling, while the girl sat lonely, pouty and a bit bitter at missing the fun activity at the front.

The teacher then sat us all down and asked the boys “Who would you rather be with? The girls who were in the circle, or the girl who was left out?” We were silent – we didn't quite get how hand-shaking was the classroom equivalent of down and dirty sex. The teacher walked us through “most men would want the girl who was left out because she was pure. God wants all girls to stay pure until their husbands touch them.”

This is where the guys education stopped, for the most part. But the girls? No – we were just beginning.

For a weekend, the school backed the girls in the upper grades going on a 'camping trip'. That's what the permission slip said. What we were really going to was what's called a 'Purity Retreat' – but nobody was really told that, or had any idea what it meant.

Let me tell you what it was – Viginity Camp.

At Virginity camp we watched videos of 'abortions' being performed. Where mangled-looking piles of spaghetti hung from sobbing women's uteri. We watched videos explaining how condoms DON'T WORK. And how sperm and HIV and every other STI can get through them. They had diagrams. They had “Facts”*. We learned about how God will punish all 'the sluts' – and that whatever happened to them, even if it was rape or death or anything else, was their fault because they chose to have sex before marriage. We were given worksheets on how we can prevent rape – because it's not the guy's fault that they find women SO ATTRACTIVE that they just cannot help themselves.

We were given lessons on how to properly cover up. Any girl who was wearing a shirt that came any lower than three fingers placed at the tip of her throat was given a paper that they had to keep taped there for the whole weekend.

The camp minister – the ONLY guy allowed on the campsite, came up one day with his wife in tow. He began his speach with “God only wants marriages between a pure woman and a man,” and ended with having his wife kneel in front of him, head down, saying “This is the kind of marriage God loves to see.”

They coddled us, gave us manicures and hair-dos. We chatted and giggled and connected as a group. We gained the trust of the young women who were running the camp. In turn, they gave us rubber fetuses that were the 'size of a fetus when a woman usually gets an abortion'. We were told to keep them somewhere safe – treat them like the children we were going to have one day. Ironically, after that retreat, my best friend and I discovered they made great bouncy balls (imagine a schoolyard full of young girls bouncing rubber fetuses around...I don't think that's the message they were intending to give...)

At the end, we all sat in a circle. A hush fell over the group – a sort of reverence gained from bombarding young teenage girls with too many 'facts' (not real facts, but overwhelming fear-mongering). They passed out cards – the kind you get from banks, or from stores as gift cards - my body - a swipeable commodity. They were decorated all flowery, pink and pretty. “True love waits” the front said. On the back was a pledge, explaining how we were to pledge to stay PURE until our wedding night, when we could present this card to our husband and cut it up.

We were all forced to sign them, carry them out with us. The leaders inspected our cards as we left to our parents vehicles – to make sure we signed them, and tucked them in our pockets with a hug.

Virginity camp and the lessons I learned there still haunt me. I have felt scared, guilty and disassociated from my own body since that day. Only these last few years am I beginning to untangle the lessons that were forced in to me that weekend. Before that I have felt that my body and my worth as a human being, as a person under God's eyes, was determined by whether I stayed pure and followed the rules and anxieties set out at Virginity camp.

Up until I was 19, I firmly believed that condoms did not work. That rape victims deserved what they had done to them. That abortions resembled a serving of spaghetti with a few hands poking out. That my body was simply a means to an end to get a child out of it. That taking birth control led to cancer and birth defects. That even in conception, a fetus has a FACE (yes. I was taught that the moment that sperm penetrates the egg, there is a face. I picture the teletubby baby sun, floating around in women's uteri...). I had no idea how sex actually worked – at all. All I knew was that it happened.

This is why we can't have abstinence-only education. This is why young adults need to learn the real facts about sex, sexuality and everything that fits in between them. This is why parents cannot avoid talking to their kids about sex – because someone else will.

Coming Soon: Ghibli-fest: a Studio Ghibli Blog Party

2013-05-23T06:00:00.000-05:00

Are you a studio Ghibli fan?

I am.

And I know there are a lot of you that love it too. Which is why I'm hosting a blog party on July 30^th, 2013 - and you're invited!

I want to create a space full of wonderful creations, a day we can all come together as Ghibli fans and enjoy – people from all around, in one handy place. Ghiblifest is a celebration of our love of Studio Ghibli. An homage to the works that change and inspire us.

That is what this blog party is about. I want to bring everyone together in a way that we can all enjoy, celebrate and create

I welcome anyone and everyone to please submit awesome things. I know you're all talented and awesome! It could be your creative works, ideas, thoughts, playlists – please – submit whatever you feel fit, and I will try to include it in the blog party.

Send any submissions to laceandmuskeg(at)gmail(dot)com

Want some ideas? As long as it's shareable, you could:

-make a Ghibli-related tutorial

-Write a piece about our favourite movie

-do a ghibli-inspired photoshoot

-make a playlist inspired by your favourite character

-Draw some fan art

-write some poetry

-make a craft related to any of the films

-cook some ghibli food (nobody does animated food better)

-make some Ghibli graphics/printables

...the list goes one. I can't wait to hear your ideas!

Are you participating in Ghiblifest? Grab this handy button to show your love. :)

5 Ways to Be a Bit More Awesome

2013-05-21T14:06:00.003-05:00

(image source)

I find the approach of summer to be one of the most awesome times of the year. I also find that as the heat starts to press in, the more I crave little tips and shortcuts to make life easier (mostly so I can get in the car and to the beach quicker). Here are five things that I've found make my day way more awesome:

Apple Cider Vinegar

In high school, I used to suffer from really, really bad heartburn. One day I decided to try a capful of apple cider vinegar (I heard it made your hair super soft – I have no clue if it does or not...). After taking it for about a week – my heartburn all but disappeared. Now every time I feel a bad day coming on, I sip down a capful of vinegar and it's gone in no time.

Use a pillowcase to dry your hair

Seriously – towels are one of the worst things you can use to dry your hair. The hair gets caught in the little loopies and breaks and frizzes. Take a pillowcase and put it over your hair, then squeeze and dab the crap out of it. Dry hair without as much frizz, nicer curls, and you can keep that towel a bit drier. As a bonus - you can use it as a bag to carry all your stuff to and from the beach in.

Drink tea? Buy one of these this moment.

I don't usually suggest products, but seriously – this one changed my life. These things fit in to any standard size coffee cup, and let the tea move freely in the cup (which makes it taste 10 times better). As a bonus – no yucky, wasteful tea bags to throw out. Mother Earth will be proud.

Lipstick as blush

Yep. It works, and it works well. I don't normally need any blush – thank you, German roots, but when I do, just a dab of my favourite lipstick on my cheeks works wonders. You'll never need to buy blush ever again.

Learn a language for free

Wow – does that ever sound like one of those stupid, spammy sidebar ads – but I kid you not. This website right here is amazing (I'm currently working on my francais). It's really, really effective (you can even practice your skills by helping translate articles, when you're not doing lessons) – and the video-game-style points system makes it about 12 times more fun to do. Seriously – give it a try and we can speak German together.

***Please note that I haven't been paid by anyone to mention any of these things - I just love them that much. As well: I'm not a doctor or anything. These are strictly nodes of wisdom from my own personal experience - so try them if you want, or don't. Your choices, babes***

Learning for Free

2013-05-08T14:07:00.004-05:00

(Image: Sue Blackwell)

Have you heard of MOOCs? (mass open online courses)

After leaving University two years ago, although I certainly do not miss the stress of the University system, I do miss learning as efficiently and effectively as I did when I was in school. But being where I live - oftentimes furthur education is impossible to find.

Enter the MOOC. A MOOC is an online course - usually University level or higher, offered for free! That's right - free knowledge! How awesome is that?

At the moment, I'm taking a design course - Design: Creation of Artifacts in our Society, run by Karl Ulrich of the University of Pennsylvania. It's amazing! And there's a HUGE list of courses avaliable - just check out this website for a TON of different courses.

Here are a few more that interest me (and consequently, I have signed up for) - check them out!

- Art: Concepts and Techniques
- Latin American Culture
-Fantasy and Science Fiction: The Human Mind, Our Modern World
- Online Games: Literature, New Media and Narrative

Would you consider ever taking a MOOC? Have you ever taken one? Are you signed up for any of the ones I'm in? Let me know! I want to hear about your experiences (and/or excitement!)

EDIT (May 9th): Oh, I forgot to add - if you want to check out my process blog - I'm designing a sketchbook/tool for creatives. It's kind of fascinating - give it a peek here, if you'd like.

Seeding spring...

2013-04-22T21:35:00.002-05:00

Source: call-me-cupcake.blogspot.com via Melissa on Pinterest

So it's been a while.

And as spring begins to turn where I live (Canada - serves me right for my choice in locale...) I really am beginning to re-evaluate this blog and where I stand with everything. Things are changing, both outside of me and inside.

I have big, big plans for the next few months. Plans that I don't have completely solidified in my head yet, but plans that I wanted to share on here (for accountability's sake). The seeds of a new beginning, if you will.

This blog is going to be going through some serious overhauling in the next while - so I ask all of my lovely, lovely readers to please be patient! I really, truly hope that the changes will make my blog even more awesome and an even better space for all of you!

In the meantime, the Boyfriend and I have decided to embark on a juice cleanse. I feel amazing (but holy cow - the cravingsss) after the first day!!

Here's to new beginnings and sowing the seeds of great things - I hope you will stick around for the ride!

♥Mel

TEDucation: How to get your ideas to spread

2013-04-16T14:22:00.003-05:00

One of my goals this year was to start each week off with a TED talk. I'm hoping this will allow me to watch some of the less-known talks, and really stretch my mind and fill it with positive energy that listening to brilliant minds can bring. At the end of each video, I'll post a couple of questions I found intriguing. Feel free to discuss them in the comments, or just carry them in your mind after watching the video.

-------------------------------

Oh Seth Godin. Humour and insight go great together - and this talk does it perfectly. If you're going to take one idea away from this talk, I think it's this: Ideas that spread win. Hopefully your ideas - whatever they are, can stand out and spread!

So question time!

I want to know your 'purple cows'. What kinds of things do you do, create, own, etc, that are 100% unique? What makes you stand out? I really want to know!

When you hit me on the head, my eyes twitch without fail (clearly I deserve a circus act for this brilliant physical feat). My multitude of creative avenues influence each other in ways that normal artists don't seem to look at. My ability to make creative solutions are almost always purple cows.

What about you? Tell me in the comments!

How to Be a Fat Bitch - Part 3: Seeing Beauty in Fat Bodies

2013-04-08T11:57:00.000-05:00

So the latest assignment on How to Be a Fat Bitch is based around seeing beauty in fat bodies. So please, enjoy pictures of awesome, amazing fatties (many of which I swiped from Lookbook.nu) while I rant about body image and society.

First off, I'd like to direct all of you to a post I wrote about long, long, looong ago on fat-activism blogs and my relationship with them. I still get warm fuzzies when I read it – so you should read it too.

When I first started getting involved in the fat activism community, I was fully convinced that my body was the most abhorrent, ugly thing in the world. I was sure that I fit in with the other shapeless, face-less fatties that news reports always showed. I honestly and truly believed that because of my shape and size, I was unlovable, unsuccessful and a complete and that there was nobody struggling with the same issue – I was the fatty in a world of skinny people.

(Nadia Aboulhosn)

And I mean – why shouldn't I? We all live in a world where society tells people – especially women, that our bodies are public property. Our bodies are our ultimate 'pass or fail' mark. If you don't fit in with the mould society has made for you and your body, your whole value and worth as a human being are put in to contested territory. The media also does a great job of keeping fat bodies OUT of our daily lives. When's the last time you opened a magazine and saw an awesome fat girl doing...well...anything?

Now – I fell for that. For a very long time. I missed out on a lot of living because of it. I wouldn't go swimming – lest someone see my ugly rolls through my awful one-piece swimsuit. I hid under layers and layers of clothing that hid my figure and inhibited my freedom. I let go of a dream I had held on to for so long – being a dancer. I refused to wear shorts – instead hiding under jeans even in sweltering heat.

(OD R)

And every time I saw a fat body depicted, anywhere, I flinched and looked away. How shameful. How awful. How ugly and evil and scary...

Media in today's society does very little to encourage women, young and old, to accept fat bodies. In fact, more often than not fat people are demonized, stereotyped and fit in to the most cliche'd of tropes. We're offered very little more than 'the funny one' or 'that fat chick' – we're not human, we're fodder for the aspirations and agendas of skinny people.

(Audrey G)

I was floored when I watched Raven Symone on That's So Raven. A fat girl having her own show – it floored me. I let out a yelp of glee when Adele came on the scene, unashamed of her body and refusing to let the trolls in media make her feel otherwise. Seeing Melissa McCarthy on Gilmore Girls be a character despite her weight – so much love.

Soon I turned to other arenas - one of the biggest being tumblr. There is a whole community of awesome fat girls and gents doing so many awesome things. Redefining fashion - an industry that has for so long excluded fatties, to suit themselves. Speaking up on issues affecting fatties. Targetting the trolls and questioning and challenging the once previously believed 'facts' on fat. Taking pictures of their naked bodies as acts of acceptance and love.

(Blast from the past!!)

I began to realize that, no, I wasn't the only fat girl on the planet – in fact, there were scads of us. I took a life drawing course and drew a beautiful fat woman over and over again. I began to read fat-positive blogs, I discovered the word 'Fatsion'. I connected with and began communicating with all sorts of fatties from all around the world – ladies from all walks of life, all different situations – connecting because of the very thing that has set us back for so many years. I began taking pictures of myself again, losing layers of clothing, wearing fatkinis, eating out and laughing louder.

But you know what the biggest change was? I suddenly wasn't afraid of fat bodies anymore.

You see, once we refuse to let the world cloister us behind layers of clothing, hide us away in closets and media blackouts, we begin to truly see ourselves. We begin to accept that, hey, maybe fat people are human. Maybe fat bodies are *gasp, attractive, beautiful, worth something more than just fetishes and jokes.

(Madison D)

When we make fat something that can be talked about, something that can be seen, we begin to heal. We begin to connect. We begin to gain back the confidence we lost through years of targeted hate.

And now that that's begun – look out world. You're going to be seeing fatkinis and awesome fat bitches everywhere, whether you like it or not! So please, fat people of the world, quit hiding. You are more than a faceless body - you are worthy of beauty and love! Get out in to the world and take up the space you deserve.

Because the world needs to see you.

(Arlie S)

What I'm Playing: Minecraft

2013-04-07T16:09:00.002-05:00

Have you heard of Minecraft before? If you haven't yet - let me introduce you to one of the best games you'll ever play. Simply put: Minecraft is like legos, but way, wayyyy more fun. You are a character in a block-world. Everything is made of squares. Yes, everything. Sand, grass, trees, cows, flowers, clouds – they're all squares. You can destroy squares, add squares, craft squares in to other squares. You can explore the worlds – every single world is different, and has the potential to be infinite (I haven't been keeping up to date, but there are projects of people trying to find out how far a single minecraft map will go. I don't think they've found an end yet).

Everything and everything is customizable - and when I say everything, I mean absolutely everything. You can change how your character looks, how the game looks, what kinds of blocks appear or don't appear, what kinds of people or animals appear...the list goes on and on.

The game just keeps getting better, too. The team who developed the software constantly updates and improves the game at least 3 times a year. And there are so many mysteries to each and every world you play – the fact that every single one is unique really makes each game different. And it's just so cool to think that the world you're playing on is 100% uniquely yours (although you can also collect what's called a 'seed' for every generated – almost like a name tag of sorts, your world's unique identity. This allows other people to generate the same world as you)

There are bad guys you can beat up and flee in terror from. Or you can play peacefully and hang out with flocks of sheep, chickens, cows and pigs. You can play by yourself, or with other people. You can add different codes and programs that change the way you can play the game (some of these are REALLY cool!) or you can play without them.

Basically – it's the best game. Ever. And it's extremely addicting.

I would describe it more for you – but minecraft has to be experienced to really understand how to play it. Try the free trial and see what you think about it. It takes a bit of getting used to, but I'm pretty sure everyone and anyone can play and enjoy minecraft.

Check out the website here, and if you're interested, give the forums and the wikia a peek too. They're great sources for inspiration and information.

You can thank me later.

(last 3 images credit to the amazing builders of the Kingdom of Tradlund - check it out - it's one of my favourite builds)

Spring Colour Palette

2013-03-24T06:24:00.001-05:00

It's still not looking like spring where I am - but a girl can dream, right? Lately I've been torn between two sets of colours - both really reminding me of spring.

Here's what I've got on my mind for spring - two very different, but very spring-y palettes. I'm hoping to find lots of them once things start melting and blooming...

Words from my Buppa

2013-03-19T21:23:00.000-05:00

I call my Grandpa 'Buppa' – apparently my mom was trying to get me to say “Opa” – which is German for Grandpa – but I had a penchant for 'Bu' more than “O”. It stuck. Whenever I'm in need of motivation, a gentle confirmation, or some support, he's my go-to man.

I asked him a long while ago if he'd fill out some questions for my blog. I gave him a sheet full of options – thinking that he'd pick the best answers. He certainly did. There is simple wisdom in his words – all handwritten on a piece of graph-paper, short and sweet. I hold them dear to my heart – and I hope you take something from them, too.

What is one thing that you regret not doing?

One thing that I regret is the fact that because of financial restrictions at the time, the option to furthur my education was not possible. But I do not regret the opportunity that was avaliable to me – I was able to find employment in a field I enjoyed.

What is the difference between talent and skill?

In my opinion, the difference between talent and skill is this: A person can be a very talented person in many ways such as being an excellent musician, sports player, dancer, or any good subject. But the skill aspect of talent, the essence of true talent and skill - would be to be able teach a person how to become a better performer using their talent.

How do you feel about today’s society?

My feelings towards today’s society are that people are being too rushed in their daily living. Also we suffer from too high expectations - expectations mainly caused by computerized technology.

How do you relax?

I relax by reading good western novels and watching sports on TV.

I love you, Buppa.♥

How to be a fat bitch - Part two: Reclaim the word 'Fat'

2013-03-17T15:44:00.000-05:00

Hello - my name is Fat ♥.

I'm a little late for this lesson in How to be a Fat Bitch (okay – like 3 or 4 weeks late - oops). I really struggled with this exercise – but after my womanifesto, I've decided I really can't afford to hold back. This is a sort of fatifesto - a topic I could write for ages on. I've compiled a lot of my feelings in to one post - I'll let the work speak for itself.***

Fat. Until I was six, I was Melissa. I was that silly little girl who was always covered in mud and never liked to wear clothes (some habits you never shake, I guess...). I was good at art and dancing and was always really really nice.

Then, suddenly, I became fat.

A girl sneered at me, finger crooked in my direction, yelling the word at me like a harpoon, and laughter erupted across the classroom. The sense of shame and guilt that the word carried...I understood it even at the age of six.

It felt dehumanizing. Suddenly I wasn't Melissa – I was That Fat Girl, Fatty, Whale, Your Fatness, Ugly – I gained a veritable encyclopedia of new names – awful ones. When you're different, especially if you're fat, you lose your name, your thoughts, your worth, your very identity. You become fat. And fat, to the people using it as a weapon against you, is nuclear-grade awful.

I spent my entire childhood avoiding that word.

Mom never kept a scale. I'd go to friends houses to weigh myself. 68 pounds. 89 pounds. 100 pounds. 150 pounds. My life suddenly inflated and deflated with my body's rhythms. Although it mostly deflated as my body seemingly inflated.

Every time I heard that word – fat – it felt as though my world was ending. It was the ultimate weapon against me. Shame and guilt and fear of rejection can do some serious damage, especially when they're used against you while you're forming your very understanding of the world around you.

I spent my entire teenage years trying to avoid that word.
That damn word that caused me so so much pain.

All my faults, all my mistakes and failures, were blamed on my fat. She'd be so pretty if she wasn't so big. So fat. Move over fatass – you're blocking my view. Fat. Guys don't like you because you're fat. If only you'd drop a few pounds. Get in to shape now with this new weight loss breakthrough. Don't you know it's bad for you, carrying around all that extra weight?

Until a few years ago a crippling anxiety began growing over me and my relationship to fat, growing as I went through high school. Fat became a crisis. A Universal Health Risk. Obesity. Suddenly the word that had tortured me my entire life was accepted more, under the mask of 'science' and a new breed of hatred followed. Anxiety took over. I started counting calories. I started wondering whether the lunch I ate really had value staying in my stomach. I started thinking that maybe if I stopped eating – replacing food with this or that, I could kill this demon following me.

Until a few years ago, I had an eating disorder that doctors wouldn't diagnose because I am fat. Again, that word. That bias. That hatred.I've had to navigate the waters of recovery on my own because of the power of that word.

That damn word has defined me and my relationship towards my body for too long. It's haunted me and chased me like some kind of ghost out of one of those creepy as hell horror movies. All white faced and thin – just like the media wants me. Another nicely fitting peg to slide in to the mould and leave. Another shadow of the person they could be floating around - at least they're skinny, though, right?

No more.

Yes, world. I am fat. Fat. You hear me? That word you've used as a weapon against me, that word that has tied me down, quieted me, ordered me to take up less space than I do – as if you even had the right to demand that of me!

I am fat. I am healthy. I am wonderful. I am a freakin' human being and being FAT does not make me any less than you. I will take up as much space as I damn please, and I refuse to let your hateful words define me any more. I'm taking this word and I am making it mine. I'm covering it in glitter and dancing with it.

So next time you try to tell me I'm fat – I'll laugh. I'll say 'You bet' and dance my fat ass away from you. Because I'm wonderful. And I will not live the rest of my life hating the body I live in because seeing a happy, healthy fat person makes you uncomfortable (get over it). Because our society defines a woman's worth by her ability to match the very, very narrow standard of beauty (I'm sick of it). I will not live in a society that demonizes people for the space they take up (there's enough space for everyone).

I'm happy, healthy, human - and, yes, fat! Get over it and accept it. Because I am – finally.

***I would also just like to point out that this is the first time I've actually shared pictures of myself on this blog. And these are the first pictures in a long time where I actually do feel pretty darn gorgeous...

Late Night Thoughts

2013-03-16T22:14:00.002-05:00

I'm at a point where I'm a little bit lost.

There are a few things in my life right now that are slowly draining away - threatening to disappear forever. I know it's foolish of me to cling to them - nothing in the world is permanent, but I can't help feeling a bit betrayed by life right now. And maybe a little tiny bit sad.

Okay, maybe a lot sad.

And with that, all the things that I had 'planned' - all the things I was so sure about, suddenly crumble away. Suddenly the routines I've been working hard to develop seem to disappear in to thin air.

Grief is hard. It's hard, it hurts, and it's not something anyone can tell you how to do right or wrong - you have to do what works for you. And I guess that's what I'm trying to do - I keep waiting for the feelings to go away - when I think I really need to just start learning how to work with them instead.

I have no idea right now. And yet - I can't help but feel like I'm on to something. On the verge of discovering something amazing.

The thrill of the unknown, untread path winding in to darkness before me. And maybe - just maybe that's where all these feelings are leading.

I'm choosing to believe that - because it's the only thing I've got right now.

We become what we believe - and I can't allow myself to become something borne out of sadness and pain.

So... here I am, and here I go.

TEDucation: Trapped in a 'filter bubble'

2013-03-12T11:45:00.000-05:00

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So I'm marking the new chapter of my 'media-aware' series with a TED talk of a similar vein of interest. I find this talk fascinating (and it's short - watch it on your lunch break!) - I've noticed a real shift in a lot of my searches and newsfeeds over the past few years. Now I understand why this has happened. Check it out:

I don't have questions for you this week, but a CHALLENGE.

This week - make an effort to read something that really challenges you.

Try and step away from the 'media junk food' that google and facebook (and everything else) are trying to feed you. If you're looking for some places to start, try clicking a few links on feministing's weekly readers, or shakesvilles twice-weekly blogarounds (I've linked to the most recent ones - feel free to browse and find more!). I chose to read this post about the power of the covered face.

TEDucation: The Art of Asking

2013-03-04T13:26:00.001-06:00

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How great was that?

This talk really spoke to me, Amanda Palmer's experience as a street performer reflect a lot of the feelings I experience as an artist. It can really hurt when someone reacts in a hostile way to your creative work, but it can also really mean the world to make a genuine connection with someone through your work. And I totally agree - we need more connections.

So my questions for you this week are these:

1. How do you react when you recieve soul-crushingly negative criticism?
2. What's one thing you do to ease the pain of it?
3. Have you ever made a genuine connection with someone through art (or whatever else you do) in the same way Amanda puts it in her talk? I want to hear about it!

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1+2. The most common way I react to harsh, unfounded criticism are either to mope about it, or to laugh it off - let it out, regardless of how you feel. This gets more and more important the worse the criticism stings. I've been known to draw the occasional charicature, or mocking impersonation. Don't deny yourself the feelings of sadness - but do NOT allow yourself to feel inadequate or like a failure. Criticism can either break you down, or build you up higher than you've been before. Use it to grow - at worst, you can look down at the haters from the beautiful things you've created.

3. I'm planning a whole post about this question - but yes, I have. A few times. And it's one of the most magical things in the world.

Instead of feeling bad about your body...

2013-02-22T08:00:00.000-06:00

Source: living-moon.tumblr.com via Melissa on Pinterest

Here are 100 ways to get out of that funk and start practicing some self-love. Take a deep breath and try any or all of these!

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Go for a walk ♥ Stretch it out ♥ Dance around wildly (undies and hairbrush are optional, but encouraged) ♥ Draw hearts all over it ♥ Trace your stretchmarks ♥ Look at some beautiful fat bodies ♥ Sketch some humans ♥ Get a massage ♥ Put on some red lipstick ♥ Paint your nails ♥ Throw some confetti ♥ Take a long bath ♥ Watch the clouds ♥ Sing as loudly as you can ♥ Make something beautiful ♥ Laugh until you cry ♥ Make a snow angel ♥ Read your horoscope ♥ Watch something ridiculous ♥ Play a great game ♥ Bake a cake ♥ Eat a cake ♥ Put on some perfume ♥ Try out a new outfit ♥ Help someone else ♥ Smile ♥ Say something positive ♥ Talk to yourself in the mirror ♥ Turn off the TV ♥ Listen to some happy music ♥ Clean up a space that needs attention ♥ Water plants ♥ Make a bird feeder ♥ Add sparkles to something ♥ Wear some silly socks ♥ Snuggle in to your favourite outfit ♥ Get a hug ♥ Sing all the words to this (I know you know it) ♥ Read a book ♥ Read this book ♥ Have some tea ♥ Give yourself a hug ♥ Play with a cat ♥ Watch this cat ♥ Make up a stupid costume ♥ Light a candle ♥ Wash your face ♥ Learn 10 words in a new language ♥ Make a collage ♥ Take some pictures ♥ Go to a store and pick out paint chips ♥ Make some paper stars ♥ Soak up some sunlight ♥ Pick some flowers ♥ Say 3 nice things about yourself ♥ Take a nap ♥ Write down ten bad thoughts, then destroy the paper ♥ Smudge ♥ Journal ♥ Say a prayer ♥ Donate 5 dollars to a charity of your choice ♥ Tell someone else they're beautiful ♥ Write a letter ♥ Call an old friend ♥ Call or talk to your mom ♥ Paint something (and get messy) ♥ Make a pinata ♥ Watch a TED talk ♥ Hug a tree ♥ Bake some cookies ♥ Give some cookies to someone who needs them ♥ Learn to do a cartwheel ♥ Learn to knit or crochet ♥ Make some button flowers ♥ Write down 10 things you're thankful for ♥ Write a letter to your body ♥ Draw a self-portrait ♥ Unplug ♥ Paint your toe nails ♥ Wear your favourite undies ♥ Watch the stars ♥ See the sun set or rise ♥ Catch raindrops or snowflakes on your tongue ♥ Play in leaves ♥ Build a blanket fort ♥ Read SARK ♥ Make some guerilla art ♥ Decorate your shoes ♥ Write a poem ♥ Make a funky t-shirt ♥ Look at your fingerprints (so cool) ♥ Try henna-ing your hair ♥ Read a kid's book ♥ Visit someone ♥ Rearrange your clothes ♥ Listen to some classical music ♥ Watch some people ♥ Read some body positive blogs ♥ Write out your feelings ♥ Try this yoga move

My Womanifesto

2013-02-11T22:56:00.003-06:00

(image source unknown)

I am a woman.

I am not merely the sum of my parts,

I am more than my body, more than my beauty,

My body belongs to myself and myself only,

I am above your prying eyes, the male gaze,

I will not yield to a force that has oppressed me for so long,

I am nobody's treasure or prize,

Nor am I anyone's burden or problem.

I will speak my mind,

My voice loud and clear,

Whenever I choose to.

I will laugh as loudly and as often as I want,

Whether it's polite or not.

I do not need to be polite unless I choose to be.

I do not need to say sorry for anything I do.

I will not apologize for anything.

Anything I am,

Anything I say,

Anything I look like,

Act like, Do, Eat, Believe.

I'm tired of being sorry.

I am not sorry for being the person I am.

Mistakes happen.

I do not need to be perfect anymore.

I am allowed to screw up.

I'm also allowed to do things right.

And take credit for them.

I am allowed to own my sexuality.

Whatever that might be.

I am allowed to have wonderful sex.

And not be sorry for it,

Or have to hide it.

I have a vagina. (some of us women don't. That's perfectly okay, too)

I bleed, and when I do, I want to run wild in the forest, covered in sticks and mud and wildness, singing to the earth. Sometimes I do. Even when I don't, the feeling is there, and it's wonderful.

I know a lot about said vagina.

And I am quite fond of it. I enjoy it's ebb and flow. I enjoy it's company and softness.

Yes, it's true. Crazy, right?

It shouldn't be. And I will make it my duty to try and make sure it isn't.

I choose to be around people who inspire and uplift me.

I choose to be in an environment that nurtures and supports me.

I choose what is good for me, and am allowed to seek as much of it as I want.

I choose what is bad for me, and am allowed to rid myself of as much of it as I want.

I do not need to change in any way.

I can also reinvent myself whenever I choose to.

I will not allow my flaws to define and restrict me.

I will not feel guilty for my flaws.

And I accept my flaws as something uniquely me.

I am not a sexual object.

My body is not up for discussion.

Nor is it here for your personal use.

I am not afraid of my naked body.

I love the way my ass looks.

I am allowed to eat what I want in public, when I want.

I can eat apples and spinach.

I can eat burgers and cakes.

I can eat anything in between.

And I am allowed to enjoy it all.

I will not diet anymore.

I will not count calories. I cannot live in a body I am forced to hate and regulate.

I am allowed to take up as much space as I please.

I am allowed to dress in whatever way I want.

The way my body looks does not affect my worth as a human being.

I am allowed to cry.

I am allowed to get emotional.

There is nothing wrong with feeling, and doing so does not make me any less.

I am smart. I have thoughts, ideas and energy.

My gender does not make me any less intelligent than you.

My gender does not make me any less than you. Period.

I have a right to be fabulous.

To be a fabulous artist,

Dancer,

Lover,

Friend,

Teacher,

Advocate,

I am fabulous.

Just because I don't want to do something does not mean you can judge me.

I am not up for discussion.

I have been hurt before.

I have scars from a world that has treated me far worse than it should.

They do not make me any less of a human being.

I am strong. I am vulnerable.

I am a walking contradiction. Push and pull, love and war, child and sage.

You may not understand me, and that's alright.

Because women are mysteries. I am a mystery.

As are the stars.

We do not seek to stop the stars from shining simply because we do not understand them.

I will not stop shining for your sake.

I will not be defined by the standards of a culture bent on oppressing me.

I will not be silent, polite, passive any longer.

I am shining, and I will shine brighter every day.

My light will warm the world, guide others, and bring people together.

To those who want to stop me from shining

I hope my light blinds you.

I hope it haunts you, consumes you.

And maybe, just maybe, I hope that one day you will be able to see it for the beautiful thing it is.

Until that day, I'm not wasting my time on you.

I am a star.

I am mine.

This is my Womanifesto.

5 More Easy Exercises to get your Creativity Going

2013-02-05T08:00:00.000-06:00

Source: crushculdesac.tumblr.com via Melissa on Pinterest

Here are 5 more amazingly fun exercises to get your creative juices flowing. You don't have to be a writer to feel the effects of these - they can give you a boost whether you paint, act, write or anything in between. Like I said before. Don't stop writing, and don't edit your work. Just write, write, write.

Pick a book or movie you either really, really enjoyed, or really, really hated. The trick here is to pick one you feel VERY strongly about. Now, figure out what you really loved (or hated) about it – was it the ending? The characters? The setting? Whatever it was, it's your job to write it in the opposite. So, your absolute favourite character (because he's handsome, incredibly believable, and goes through tons of trouble) is now a bumbling, generic moron who skips through life. Or, that awful ending that makes you cringe (I'm lookin' at your, Heroes) now becomes the most epic, tear-inducing, beautiful ending of all time (including fireworks).
Write a full page imagining you're someone else. Use lots of affirmative statements (I am, I make, I do, etc...) and negative statements (I am not, I will not make, I don't, etc...). If you get stuck, try alternating (I am, I am not, etc...)
Make up a human character. Describe them in as MUCH detail as possible. Be specific and realistic as possible. Now – have that all written down? Give the list to a friend and get them to draw your character, straight from the descriptions (sometimes the worse your friend is at drawing, the better).
Pick a question or problem. Write two full pages about it. Try to answer it in as many ways as possible.
Close your eyes and breathe for a few minutes. Quiet your mind and completely immerse yourself in the present. Now, imagine yourself as watching the present 'you' from a distance – someone floating outside of your body, from a distance What are you doing? How would they describe you? What do you look like? What do they (outwardly – remember you can't hear their thoughts) act like they want? Write what comes to you.

How to be a Fat Bitch: 5 Things

2013-02-03T01:13:00.001-06:00

Source: google.fr via Melissa on Pinterest

I'm taking part in Rachele's How to be a Fat Bitch e-course, where we all work together to create a space within ourselves and around ourselves to be more loving of ourselves and our bodies. I'm loving what she's got so far, so here's my assignment for week one.

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5 things I can do that will make me happy

I will be Rachel Berry.

For this course, I choose Rachel Berry from Glee as my mentor. She's self-centered (but so delightfully unapolegetically so), has talent, and is not afraid to show and admit that. She's a star, she knows she is, and she owns it. I want to own my gifts, and truly pursue what makes me happy at all costs.

I will be as loud as I want to.

I'm so tired of people trying to keep me quiet. Whether I'm laughing loudly, or I'm trying to speak my mind about a difficult topic, I will not be silent. I'm tired of it. I have a lovely voice, and I want to be heard.

I will throw out all of my ratty, negative clothes.

They're doing me no good at all, other than taking up much-needed space in our room. Anything I haven't worn in a month, or that I will not wear within the next week will be donated so someone who needs it more than me can wear it.

I will cook one delicious meal this week.

Because cooking is fun, and eating is even more fun. And I deserve to eat and enjoy good, good food.

I will dress to impress, not to hide.

I will not wear the same outfit three times a week, in a row. I will be adventurous and try out new things. I will also dress for myself, and dress fantastically - just because very few people can see me (oh small towns in the middle of winter...sometimes you drive me bonkers) doesn't mean I can't look good.

TEDucation: What Fear Can Teach Us

2013-01-22T11:32:00.000-06:00

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Wasn't that one great? All I want to know from all of you is a) what did you think of this talk, and b) Give me your most vivid, terifying or funniest childhood fear.

As someone who suffers from anxiety on a regular basis, Karen's words really, really ring true to me. She talks about fear in a really interesting way – as beautiful stories we tell ourselves, and I've never thought of fear in that way before. I wonder what the world would be like if we all looked at fear in that way, and we all shifted our focus from the big, blatant fears to the subtler ones...

And as for the silliest, most vivid fear – when I was young, I had an awful recurring night terror of being kidnapped in a red truck. So every time a red truck would pass me by in real life, I would freeze completely, believing that they'd think I was a statue and not kidnap me.