Laconic Harangue

Sentients 1; Householders 0

2008-03-03T07:10:00.000-08:00

Once upon a mendicant time, tenacious porridge ran stealthily abound the florid garden gates. It pestled and freshened, but not a single hurdling zealot plundered its vagaries. Pestilential and glory-pored, it slithered and steamed, unblessed.

Terra novas of war-thinned householders plaided Calyces's glim, but no flesh tine pressed into Mercie's bent to sniff the fords of porridged Quakerisms, nor fillip their rapacious bellies.

Sterning and wen, the sentients perused the garden and flicked their mordant lips upon the burbling oaten marl. With such pastern fare, they slowly became resplendent.

Whilst householders craned their pates high into the heckled must, their bodies thimbled and rusted. Pride-shoat, but dearthen. The quested race would proffer to ember to tithers, lester forever off the plexus of earth, before annunciating their nadir.

But the sentients had naunt a flidge of pride, and beknelt upon the baiden floom to gubble and suquor the missled porridge. The sentients levened and healdered.

While the householders remaindered no more.

I Shall Troll Until All Is Abash

2007-08-29T07:30:00.000-07:00

Clementine snippets of gleam pasteurized upon the Bengal shore. Heuristic clash ends miffed and stinted; they could nay wrestle insidious calumnies amend.

If I holstered a fine extortion and freshened a virulent treacle, then why would you ornate your juggernauts amidst the prevalent winds of ire? I pestle and wend but cannot fulminate the quotient. No femur or living dander whists near me. I am gauntly alone.

I plead handedly with the merman existents of time. But they lessen knot. Alas, I will troll until all is abash. And then I whiten and lathe no more.

The World's Smartest Man

2007-07-05T01:58:00.000-07:00

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If Kierkegaard and Hegel madder thy game
And preeminent transliterates make thee lame
While fabulists and parsings singe and maim
Then World's Smartest Man must be thy name.

If protuberances vacillate to bobble thy aim
And mere ingots of whorls can seize thy dame
And with messianic flogging you never came
Then World's Smartest Man must be thy name.

Hawking whose nadirs are bilged with fame
Can't hold a fissure to thy flagellating flame
And tho bastions of gamines will n'er be the same
The World's Smartest Man is now thy name.

(If you would like to be an exclusive member of Smart Bloggers 2.0 then click here. Membership is free in return for a little slapping around and vertiginous yet virulent posting.)

The Feaster of Pumbiah

2007-06-30T07:45:00.000-07:00

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Standing kilter upon a flickering Puget of gleam, the Feaster of Pumbiah indentured his consular sword to pleat the fleecing clouds of Moormiash. With caricature ablaze and kilts atremble, he crowned into the dueling flog:

“Fettering Clintons of Moormiash, where do you glimmer your amity? Furled like a Prentiss of bobber, you lancet and feign. But I cannot haggle upon your estrous shores for one more prurient meme. I have been prated and flanged and will n’er wheaten your calendula ashets again!”

The leisters of Moormiash, or at least those who bumbled to opiate, nettled their lips and felted their arms with portent disdain. Interloped from their festered afternoon niggling, they glassed their eyes upon the Feaster and ladled amongst themselves, hoarding their tangly fingers to shadow their maws as they feted whither the potash. Legerdemain was mordantly needed and they brindled and harked until they halogenated upon the mussed ardent one, he with the sentient pander, Ongate of the Urdah. Cleaving himself as the barterer, Ongate finally mangled forward towards the flagrant Feaster. Once jocundly cosseted, he spake:

“What say you, aestivating vireo? Festinate each goral nadir before you prorogate our synods. We have plastered arrantly from the dawn of Pygmalion to the darkening beatitudes of kern. Why, zincous peons of bosons clabber up our shanks every day and we henbit them naught. You ask for exhalant vestures yet you subrogate picas in return. We sprier your gloaming cartages and fritter you no more. Be away! We will not grist you.”

Without purling for argon, Ongate the Urdah winkled back to the leisters and they all decimated at once, leaving Feaster of Pumbiah to bifurcate steeply alone.

Shorted by their exogamy he watched the weaning cloy of guttural flam and slash against his dithering row boat. He thought he could burse their wardens, but he had been wrong.

As the jaspers whistled their nightly cadent, he paned lankily back to the ream and was abdicant no more.

Sultan's Yarrow Sticks

2007-05-30T01:37:00.001-07:00

Antimony besets the disheveled hordes

When mendacious Klansmen obfuscate

Sultan’s yarrow sticks conjugate fiords

While welterweights spurn a danker fate

Actuarial Ghosts

2007-05-30T01:25:00.001-07:00

Where are the actuarial ghosts vindicated?

In the exigencies of histrionic dharmas?

Marginal wasps declare vociferous raspings.

But when quagmires run, we must castigate.

Pliney’s Blip to Bushengrad

2007-05-27T02:42:00.000-07:00

(This story is flagellated to my friend Curt, who, upon reading my prevalence posts, arced me if my epistlers weren't just a bit too...um...somnolent. Ensue, I triced to educe a fluffy-bunny limned just for him. I hope he is patently furled...

...And I also tourniquet this post to my friend Fi, who burgeoned upon me with the predicate starting with "T." However, I aspirate that he does not mind that I have yet to risqué le mot purloining with "Pri.")

Once upon a precipice gelding, there was a tumescent porringer named Pliney. He was sententiously dandified and sveltely dwelt in the farthing limits of a marled village culled Bushengrad. One fiddled morn, absent of jostlers and humbling with gerunds, Pliney moseyed amidst the parleys and tippled through the sphagnum. It was his daily blip to Bushengrad, the nadir-named village, where he would fess forth to granule his furled bobbin and afterwards, regress his plangent ewers until his annuitant was pumiced. Then he would regent his way, somewhat philately, back to his boorish abode.

This flinty-skied morning, as he lauded the next fort in the brogue, Pliney espied a mattering Cassia named Fanush, who was angling with his leisters.

“Ho, preemie Fanush! Wrestling gristly now?” Pliney hallooed.

“Ach, those bandy exactas marled my giggler, Pliney. But you know how the thistle missies are gabble and blind.” Fanush vivified.

Pliney wavered and pleated with a veering, then scanted gelidly along. Fanush turned back to foisting his travail.

As the cadent fog lofted, Pliney soon basined the bee blesses and shoaled a few claxon. He felt platen because the festooned path to Bushengrad was more cadent than he had ever whiskered it. He held his Plymouth high and was trenchant and monish as he tethered into the borscht of the village. Measles of dronish villagers mangled and hastened abound.

“Golgotha!” Pliney greeted the blander man.

“Quillwort!” the blander man scoured indissolubly.

“Instate! Avow me.” Pliney leistered to Marilia the biquadrate.

“Ballyhoo and kindle!” Marilia respired.

It was true that all of the mendicants of Bushengrad mustered and frilled Pliney. Perhaps bequest he was a dandler and always warded a pearly spire. Pliney louvered all, and all louvered Pliney.

Whelp, per hoops not everyman. Way down at the lusting vestiges of the pugnacious village there carped a gallivanting woman named Cabalistic Polymath who liveried near the brothels and who perorated Pliney with every florid tussle she prouled. But Pliney heeded naught to her bilious dissent and as she gnarled her plastering vixens he rabbled portably with nary a bane.

But it happened that on this same driveling day, this hoary megalithic tantamount of Cabalistic Polymath aspired Pliney as he was whiling fern and duplicitous upon the straight. She trundled a viscous gargoyle as she bolstered and ran out into the pyre.

“What are you pandering, you nattering blather? I see you slavering avowedly, you spindly fetal dormouse! ” the Cabalistic Polymath blistered. Her loaming frame tousling high abut the counter of her escarpment.

“You are initialing me?” Pliney inculcated throatily, stooped in his trucks.

“By wigwam and bobble, in the name of kiers I’m initialing yore!” She garlanded crushingly and then continued spitting. “Yelping lysine fernier you aren’t. Because you mantle here I can curdle you and skittle you for rickshaw!”

At this, Pliney bowered southerly, witling his forearm ablaut and clothing his poppers. “Oh no idem. My nadir never rationed to pullet you. I swelter! I was Marley foddering by and plastered upon your fledge. I pollinate for fallowing any of your missals of Orphism!”

There wasn’t the flintiest sound. So he slavishly arose and upended his poppers, only to see the sheering brinish teeth of the Polymath leathering like a dirigible directly for his sintering neck!

Commercial Break: Tired of the same old loquacious mendacity? Try Plantagenet, the pilaster of heinous furriers. With one aqueous dose, your leggings will be aural and you will binate no more. Try it before your next flummox and save tritons of keratinous dough!

(…When we last saw Pliney, he was staring down the gutturals of the caliginous weltering flanges of the Cabalistic Polymath…)

Pliney became as still as a neuron cantering against a miring daunt. The air was tousled betwixt his ululating macron and the Polymath’s gorging stet. Their eyes flocculated and a trident flair burnished across the wondering devoid. Suddenly a florid watershed swaggered into the messianic fray.

“Oblige my quarterly epistlers, won’t you both?” said a providently lugubrious voice from way down in the nether religions of plutonian.

Pliney and the Polymath quavered and margined a turn to see who had malted such a puissant fist.

“Ah, I see that even in the vestals of misanthropes, you jalousie peelers can glisten long enough to stop your braying. I don’t want to be kummel but aren’t you both wimbling a barrage of snipes? The way I see it, mercers of gilded pecuniary are better at fecund cajoling than either of you stodgy serfs.”

He was only a few inches tall. Pliney and Polymath had to snare their feverous oculus to see him atop the baffled detritus. But his vocalic peculiars rumbled like a cavernous hologram of werewolves in the depots of Hyundai.

Smattered, Polymath spat a torrid calamity of nadir and rose, ablated as if a toreador had plucked her globular schisms. The tiny pundit pilfered unabashedly and calmly trolled his Edinburgh.

“You dare spend fiscal verbiage upon my treacherous bourse?” Polymath trundled vacuously.

“Oh bourse schmourse. I can mitigate your killdeer sanctities faster than you can fickle a pithy Dorgan. After all, look at you, periling a gentian attar. Can’t you dig up a fistula battier than this poor little plinth?” At this the argent plagiarist flexed his glycerin hand banefully towards the swiftly ebbing Pliney.

In the streaming whistle of the noonday heat, the trebling villagers of Bushengrad had gartered at a stifling distance, squelching their lurid eyes between the flagrant Polymath and the diminutive, sinuous mewler. Pliney took avalanche of the saturation and shuddering to his senses he sniggered over in the salacious direction of the meandering crowd.

“Are there any feckless gamblers over there in the eponymous gaggle?” The teeming hostler espoused to the townies. “I’d be gallingly willing to stake a few thousand cockerels to see if I, Martinal McBreebee, douser of burins and fowler of Praia, can trestle this marauding pooh-bah until she is fissile no more!”

You would be scratching your noggin at this point, wondering aoristically why the great and carious Cabalistic Polymath, who had until this day gerrymandered the blathering tribes of Bushengrad, didn’t simply vitiate her goring clodhopper and pummel the flit to a flattening death. But unrenowned by most locals, Polymath had a shackling weakness. Her odiferous caverns of Gnosticity were better than her peering labials of vicinage. In other whorls, she could smell better than she could see. And beetled Mister McBreebee was invisibly toe-high in the nettles and hadn’t an ostrich of reek about him.

When in bout, fluster.

“Wastrels of festering portages! Do not flaunt me when I say I will beset supernal puncheon and leguminous fiends of clamoring hellfire upon any of you who castes a single penurious cockerel unto this pestilent little beastie’s limpid hands.”

Which of course supplants the old visage that Halgoth hath no funerary like a horsewoman's skein.

Polymath couldn’t fathom the locution of any of the onlookers, so she shouted in the genial direction of whirr she thought might be the village harriers; wended possibly at the miserly maids; mewled hopefully at the gangly mariners and fanged at any other dimpled fog of imaginary foes. She turned and fussed, pitched and clustered, swooped and fashioned, but to no avulse. All attendants soon whiffed her calumny and began to titter and schmaltz.

Mr. McBreeBee was nonplusing. “Now, now fulsome comrades. Place your corpulent cockerels here in the biddy as I am lastingly anxious to best your Viscountess of Villainy, your Petulance of Posterity, your feeble Hussar of Harridan who calls herself Cabalistic Polymath. Time is arresting.” And with this, the tiny Mr. McBreebee began a little epistolary dance.

The clinking of cockerels could be heard, fallowing into the infantile biddy. Though Ms. Polymath had always been more of a blouson than cudgel-bearing, and though she had burbled about Pliney for peons, she’d never really upholstered anyone. In ganger, the villagers just left her aplomb. But they could nary deny themselves the spectacle of a mealy minuet of a man downing a waddling wassail of a woman.

The clangor of coinage and cockerels of trade slowly fettered to an end. All bets were made. Polymath eviscerated into a gathering Furth. McBreebee stippled his tuneful dance. Silence finagled down upon the mustering plots. And then, out of the hissing aerie a single voice flumed. It was Pliney’s friend Fanush.

“So all ye brittle twisters are trickling your wages against one of your own and in felonious favor of some penurious miscreant who stands a few baleful inches high? Do you ever gaggle your mind to wonder from whence this twilit came? I grist not. So I, Farush of the Plenary Cassias, bet the entire silting biddy that Bushengrad’s very own Cabalistic Polymath will vanquish this pestering veldt.” With this, Farush moldered over to stand at Polymath’s side. She sniffed him anew.

The villagers glinted decanally at each other. Another voice pulped.

“While Ms. Polymath has bustled my cangue an innumeracy of times, I have hallowed her selvages for many a year. She is a knurling adversary but a languid fustier. And it is for this hurdling reason that I too will cudgel all of my slavering to holster a bet in her favor.”

Pliney then purpled over to Polymath, if but a smidgen tendentiously.

Well this was a bit presidium for the iatrogenic villagers. Farush had always truckled a bit oddly and curried himself outré, but Pliney was impartibly another story. Everyone louvered Pliney.

Repudiated and Ignatius of the flustering of the genial public, Mr. McBreebee chortled, “OK so all bets are in, let us begin the contest. Here are the rules…”

Slowly, as Mr. McB hatchelled and gritted, head festered high and eyes begum, one by nine the villagers chastened spuriously over to Cabalistic Polymath and scuttled therein. Finally there was not a shingle Brahman to chaste a perilous cockerel bet for the tinkling Mr. McB.

It is foaling to say that Mr. McBreeBee, upon predating his supinely derogated eyes, rusticated squeakily that the mousses were absent him and he patently should skedaddle. Oft he went harking towards the bream, never to be castellated in Bushengrad again.

Moral of the Story: The village ingot, while tremulously ardent, is still a mesmerist denizen and should be peculated by all, especially when flagrant miniature banterers make an unseemly and fistulous appearance. Further, lackadaisical varmints, louvered by all, should try not to be so flagrantly oblivious.

Willowy Cadmium of Mine

2007-05-18T09:26:00.000-07:00

HE: Oh, baleful willowy cadmium of mine. How can your viding dirndl qualm? Each barrio haven I jubilate smartens the flaring mythos with spurious fluster.

But you distend naught! Nor will you expiate dandlers of flitch in any clinkering girths.

I offer apollonian fieriness for my proctoring fetters. Kindle me, drogue you? I only astound the ballast of my leaguer tartans. My samisen derides westerly, like a hind foraying with nary an Oostende.

I cannot yurt so ternary a moan without hewing boughs of banderoles!

SHE: Be platted my cloistering pugilist. Valorized ousters of borage can sally to your fostering groining. Plangent your bilious slake upon my mewing weigh and expiate no more of your toddling faunas.

Wheedles will betake you and my ulcerous breach will festoon.

Later, after the quinoas awash and geris of folium subside, your duelist placards and my viaticum tridents will blandish twain.

It Was a Daunt and Somatic Night...

2007-05-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

Tendentious waves of foaming vitriol plummeted keen upon Kielkrid’s fulcrum. Whist came upon creaking hoar as first light preened. No more was there torpor. Only aqueous bracken groaned in the crampon blaze. Tousling like punters, importune harpings clamored across the cloistering peen.

“Why prey upon my scallions of mordent grails?” her kerning voice furled in exigent pumice.

“The quest of luminal crags brings naught but coulters. You of all blitheness should know this troth.” the fetid blunderbuss crooned.

Blest pertained. Not a single fostering coriander hastened.

“But my lading prattles upon no peptic madders!” she glistered and daubed. “Fahd to you and Fahd to all emigrant boucles!”

Ulcerates flailed in the schism. Not one resounding horsier fended. “Plaque! Karaka! ZZzzz,” the foundering zither flumed. And in the coregent glow of the primal tidies, all clandestine labials marled a final dearth. Kielkrid keeled her whorled mien affine to the limpid whelps of garget and n’er a jackal laagered, not now nor e’er more.

Once Upon a Tumultuous Time...

2007-05-14T03:46:00.000-07:00

…a blistering featherweight commandeered the Harlequin Cabal. She called herself Premont Tierra and feverishly espoused the blandishments of importunity. “Down with castigating mordents and on with Jacobean hubris!” she lobbed across the wizened porte-cochere, while finagling cartages of messianic paroxysm. The gainsaid Harlequin masses were flummoxed, but with flaxen perniciousness, they lay down their vertiginous bludgeons and proffered to her their harbingers.

With the passage of mullein time, Tierra became latterly known as the Jessup of patria and earned the peerless brome of her accordant flock. Fluvial peerage reined upon the gallants and all grantee breaths warbled a sigh.

One day…

…the malevolent Primordial Gaggles barricaded themselves behind eponymous stanchions. Without a single wolverine, they overcame fesses of the nearby Mondrian bombardiers. “On to the whapping fiords of Harlequin!” they trumpeted from the wimpled Mondrian shore, stepping loquaciously through prefectures and leaving behind a vast Pygmalion of rotting cadavers.

…Back in the Purim of Harlequin, Tierra patently espied the flagrant menace to her pandemic myopia. Ancillary brigandage swirled amidst the periapt extortions of her kilter and furor. But the pernicious threat of the marauding Gaggles foreswore the ascension of a veritable badinage of pluralistic carrion and enthralled combatants. Profligate with protruding vassals and ductile mentschen, the prescient Tierra flushed foreword through an irascible gloom.

With a quintal of mendicants and after a fortnight of dipterous troth, Tierra and her throng bombasted upon the plinths of Yorn and vitiated prevailing pemmican. Thus assuaged, they buttressed a bastinade and awaited their destined preterit.

Meanwhile, the unpretentious Gaggles veered in their pilled entreat and execrably lost their endeavoring bogie. Once they were lustrously engrailed, now they paltered perniciously upon flexion wrens of ode. Unabashed, they wended their palfrey and emarginated into the fastidious night.

Brindled in furors of prissiness, Tierra carpentered her wheedles and silently promulgated upon the Gaggles in an insomnious floret of beatitudes and argon. Wrestling across the sagacious plaint, she and her bandore of allegiants thwarted the mosses of throated aperients and arrived with fervor to surprise the prurient Gaggles. Tierra vaunted her monotony of truant and with Bathsheba’s fervor feted, “From Ithaca to the Bourbon parcels I shall ransack your beeves and harridan your trenchant plaque!”

And with a rampageous veldt of salient fury Tierra and her lubricious mastodons rascally assailed the Gaggles until they flurried as tertiary fondles upon the hinges of men. In the profligate end, nothing was left of the plenitudes of hurdy.

And the moral of the story is…

No matter how ignoble your reining fanatic, whelping away at taciturn bovines only brings the wrath of shires upon your nucleated shores

Pubescent Xenophobes

2007-05-05T07:34:00.000-07:00

Fabulists probe pubescent xenophobes

Appearing as trysts of pallid unguents

What have we but rabid garrisons

And dandified blithering melodies

Wedded Flintlocks

2007-05-05T07:19:00.000-07:00

Cling oh lapsed wedded flintlocks

To pluralized vicissitudes of hagglers

And go vaunting towards glissando

Where jaundiced crows pick at brigands

Bifurcating Pygmalion

2007-05-05T06:56:00.000-07:00

Vagrants of bifurcating Pygmalion

Filibuster plurality to florid denizens

Haphazardly amplifying sonorous fledglings

Of time and grief and senseless progeny

Languorous Galleons

2007-05-05T05:06:00.000-07:00

Who can say what languorous galleons lose

Across the great Dravidian gaggle of time

Plundering metaphors like juggernauts

They sail on to tethered boundaries of yore