Ladies Bits

I just feel like, I could love Don Draper the way he needs to be loved.

2012-03-01T13:40:00.001-08:00

Seriously, Who's Going with me on March 23th?

2012-02-29T09:29:00.003-08:00

To the Hunger Games. Anyone? I'll bring the baby bottles of Champagne.

80! New movie stills. Yes, I'm excited enough to go through all of them.

Remember this creep from that movie where she's a murderous child who is (spoiler alert) actually a 40 year old Russian woman?

Best Moment of the 2012 Oscars

2012-02-27T11:02:00.000-08:00

The Angelina "Tribute"

Source: Buzzfeed

Happy Friday!

2012-02-24T11:29:00.001-08:00

I don't know what's happening here, but I do know that Paul Rudd is a master technician on the dance floor. Man crush AND dance idol. Enjoy your weekend!

Sweet Dee is Famous!

2012-02-23T16:21:00.002-08:00

Stefon's Illustrated Guide to the Box

2012-02-23T13:50:00.002-08:00

"…and look who just walked in, is that Natalie Portman? No, it’s an old Irish black man that we call Murphy Brown. Plus, if you come this Sunday you’ll meet two-year-old ultimate fighter Drooly Lips Jackson. He’s got fists like little empanadas and he is my best friend."

Thoughts on Pinterest

2012-02-23T11:06:00.001-08:00

Have you guys played with Pinterest? It's fun. I like it. But I also hate it. And it kind of makes me sad. Such mixed feelings!

Here's the deal: it's a bookmarking site that is all the rage with the ladies. Especially with the Mormon ladies, apparently. Essentially, you can create a bunch of "inspiration boards" by "pinning" or bookmarking images and links you find on the internets.

I find this especially useful, since I have no less than 4 computers in regular use in my life, and I am quite obviously a procrastinator, meaning that I find many recipes and links I'd like to follow up on from home during my work day. My old problem was that bookmarking them on my work computer made it necessary to turn on my work computer at home to retrieve the link. That's against my policy in the case of non-extreme circumstances. I used to email myself links, but it led to a cluttered inbox... and I'm a little OCD about my inbox.

Pinterest allows me to "pin" my recipes and must-reads to my board, then log in from home to access them. Easy peasy! It's also been great for wedding planning and wedding ideas. I was able to easily show my bridesmaids what kind of dresses I had in mind, so they could pick their own on-theme attire.

I have also found a humorous side of Pinterest, because, as in life, not everyone on the site has great taste. I've found a couple of amazing "wedding" or "style" boards that are just so far from good-taste that they come around again to being awesome. Like, I would love to score an invite to these weddings featuring ren-faire inspired wedding gowns or sparkly blue eye shadow. I'll have to share my "favorite" boards with you all sometime. Now I need to find out if J-Woww has an account.

But, you must know, Pinterest is also often derided for being a cozy lady-place on the web. Whereas other internets social sites like Reddit or even Gawker are filled with people trying to be the funniest, smartest, or snarkiest, Pinterest is pretty vanilla and friendly. Which, don't get me wrong, I have no problem with being pleasant. In fact, it's how I try to live my life. But lots of women argue that the whole site is a place for women to learn to be better housewives and homemakers. I think that's a bit extreme, but there are certain themes I see on the site that give me pause and/or make me sad.

For example, I have seen a lot of boards called thinks like "Thinspiration" or "Dream Body." That makes me sad. Here's a representative Pin:

I mean... come on. Fuck you, Gwyneth. Aside from the fact that you are one of the most infuriating celebrities on earth, thanks to your self-righteous attitude and complete inability to empathize with women that live the real world, now your god-awful quotes are being used as inspiration by women that I know to be smart, successful, and hard-working. Ladies: why do you think Gwynny has time to work out 1.5 hours per day? And is your mother Blythe Danner? Genetics: pshaw.

Another prevalent trend on Pinterest: wedding planning boards for women that are not engaged. I mean, do what you want, but I don't think it does much for our cause when you're planning your imaginary wedding. Of course, at some level, we all want to meet that one person and have a fun wedding. But it's just perpetuating the stereotype that we're all just waiting to get married. But, I guess perhaps it's the same thing as having an entire board for children ideas when you are as yet un-knocked-up.

Generally, I think the site is a great tool. And I don't think it's inferior to other social sites just because it's female dominated. I just may need to watch who I "follow" on the site so that I don't continually fly into feminist anger spirals.

The Box: America's New Favorite Pastime?

2012-02-22T12:06:00.001-08:00

So last night was weird...and awesome.

I may have had some alcohols. yeah I said it: alcohols. That's what we're calling many drinks now.

Anywho, I ended up in the care of a friend who happens to manage a very trendy restaurant in the lower east side. Being the cool industry insider he is, he invited us to join him in visiting his friends who work at "The Box".

I have heard of "The Box". I know it's a crazy New York club that puts on quite a "show". I had an idea that I was going see some things that Rick Santorum would prefer were illegal. I was fully prepared to be appalled or disgusted.

What I was not prepared for was how much fun it was. It is honestly the most fun club I have ever been too. Its small and the space is great looking. The music was completely danceable and everyone in the place was having the time of their lives. The show was amazing. Sure there were things that are not appropriate to describe here on the blog my Dad reads, but mostly it was just cool artists. There was an aerialist who did a great routine to Pink Floyd, a quick change act, a dancing bear (stripper), good clean fun. I am not normally a club person, but I would be happy to go back to The Box.

Cut to this morning and my needing to share this experience with Biscuit. We googled "The Box" together (so she could get some visuals for my story) and consequently discovered our new favorite pastime: reading online reviews of The Box.

Seriously, you guys, the internet gets no better than this. People trying to describe something obscene in a publicly appropriate way, people angry that they couldn't get in because the "Face Control" was too strict (Ha!), and people trying to act blase' about the shock value of The Box.

Here Biscuit and I present some choice excerpts from those reviews. We think these are best read in Stefon's voice, because we're pretty sure this whole series of sketches is based upon SNL cast members' experiences at The Box. Here's a clip to get you in the right head space. Dad, stop reading. Everyone else, enjoy.

"A ticket to the show that is, and after the show you may feel getting molested by midgets or seeing a man with bigger boobs than your mom shave his testicles is not worth the money you just paid. Or is it? Our last trip was close enough to the holidays we got to experience the Santa Vagina and it was everything you can imagine... a bearded vagina zoomed in on the big screen and talking to the crowd. I don't actually remember what it said was totally distracted by it's beard and santa hat." -Emily B.

"The show was absolutely insane. I've greyed out, but I do remember Michael Jackson, aerial silks, a naked ballerina, a 70's foxy brown pulling dildos out of her fro....then pulling something out of her **** AND her *****, a tranny peeing on the front row, the MC giving a lap dance to the swedish guys in the front row that got peed on.....the rest is kinda fuzzy." - Caroline K.

"The Box... really? I'm not sure what all the hype was all about - I spent 6 years in Bangkok so I'm used to seeing Transvestite and Freak Shows. I remember one time my ex convinced us to go watch the Ping Pong show in Patpong - now that was some freaky mindf*ck stuff. " - Bo C. is not impressed

"Well, I got knocked in the head by a chick swinging from the ceiling by a rope.
And then a dude with a full Colonel Sam mustache and tight leather pants pinched my butt.
And two drag queens on stage asked me to change into something more comfortable." - Jane K.

Totes Amazeballs

2012-02-22T09:51:00.000-08:00

Via the Daily What

So apparently this lovely man (the singer for a band I've never heard of) tweeted a joke about inventing a cereal called "Totes Amazeballs", saying Kellogg's was considering producing it. Kellogg's saw the tweet, and made him a single box of his cereal.

First, I'd like to say that despite not eating carbohydrates for the past 45 days (except for after wine fest, which doesn't count), I would totally buy a box of this. And second, everyone start tweeting your dream cereals at Kellogg's. My requests would include Bluth Cornballers and Grief Bacon Crunch.

Celbrate! It's Biscuit's One Year Anniversary of Having a Life

2012-02-21T11:51:00.000-08:00

One good thing about Facebook Timeline is that it’s incredibly easy to locate and identify the date of major milestones in your life, stuff that I would normally search through my gmail for exclamation-point ridden emails to my friends and family announcing major life events, in order to pinpoint the date. Though I certainly don’t use Facebook as honestly or as often as I used to, generally something big like a job change or a new puppy will make it on that damn timeline. And due to the ease of browsing through that timeline, I realized that exactly one year ago today, I commenced my last two weeks at Big Consulting Inc., and was a mere three nights removed from the end of my traveling life.

Now, I know I have written a lot about Consulting. Forgive me; it’s all I’ve known since college. And, fortunately or unfortunately, it’s what I’m still doing today. This morning I was sitting in my status meeting, actually engaged in the conversation, not bitterly hating my life, not so tired I could barely concentrate, and I realized what a difference a year outside of that indentured servitude had made on my life. So, lucky you, I’m going to tell you all about how my life has improved since joining a smaller, local firm. Consider it a(nother) cautionary tale for all those young whippersnappers currently dreaming of a job in the Big 4, wanting to be all sexy like Don Cheadle and our beloved Kristen Bell in House of Lies (I really need to write more on that later). This could also be recruiting material for my new company. Maybe I’ll share it with the recruiters some day. If they give me money for it.

First things first. One year later, I feel like I’m finally recovered from a mental illness I didn’t even realize I had. I realized this today when, despite not being the person talking in my meeting, nor having my laptop and beloved internet, and not being particularly interested in the information being presented, that I was not obsessively doodling, drawing, or fighting off sleep. I was listening, giving input, and actually being present (sorry for the yoga speak) for the full hour. It was weird.

A symptom of mental illness.

Towards the end of my big Consulting run, I literally could not sit in a meeting without keeping myself occupied in some way. Whether that was taking obsessive notes, filling full pages with my patented cross-hatch OCD pattern (see picture), or slyly playing Sudoku on my phone, there was no “down” time. This habit stuck with me for a while in my new job, and my manager chalked it up to my generational identity (us y-millenials, right?). But I don’t need to do it anymore. Sure, like any normal human I daydream a little, but I’m totally fine with downtime now. It’s probably because I’m not in a full anxiety attack 24 hours a day, as I was before. I’m not counting down the days away from home, or dreading that the other shoe is about to drop (the prevailing management technique in the Big 4 – broadcasting consistent feelings of dread).

Consulting: it's just like Oz

Here’s something else crazy about life “outside.” Work: not that hard. I think about the hours and dollars spent on very simple deliverables (fuck me, I’m a fucking consultant. Deliverables = homework, proof of work, documentation). The stress and late hours spent on things that I now produce in a single day is mind boggling. I remember a stretch of 3 weeks in which I was locked in a conference room in Wichita, KS, with 4 other resources, until average leaving-time of 12 AM creating ONE PowerPoint deck. I could make that same deck in one week, leaving at 5 PM, by MYSELF. Why all the stress at the big companies? Well, I think the simple explanation is bill rates. I, a relatively inexperienced consultant, was charged out at about 300/hour. Now, extrapolate that figure out to partners, senior managers, managers. That’s where the millions of dollars in consulting fees add up. Plus travel expenses. It’s ridonculous. NO ONE is worth that much money.

And, on some level, clients know this. So there is a constant struggle on the consulting side to prove your worth and convince your clients of your expertise with complicated models, jargon up the ass, and general bull-shit. And the problem is, we as consultants know nothing (like Jon Snow, holla), or at least less then our clients, about their business at the get-go. There may be one expert on the team, but she’s not doing all the work. I promise you, I knew nothing about building private jets before that client flew me to Wichita for 7 weeks of hell. Partners live in fear that the client will figure out that they’re paying 200 bucks an hour for a 23 year old from ASU to play on Facebook. They manage this fear by locking you in a conference room for long, unbilled hours to create a strategy for fooling the client.

At my new job, we have lower bill rates. We get paid on a variable hourly model. This means that if I work more than 40 hours/week, I make more money. It’s a novel concept, and it gives our partners incentive not to oversell or overpromise. We also have lower bill rates, and we don’t travel. So, instead of hiding from our clients in a conference room, we work with them and have open conversations with them. We’re honest about what we need, and we don’t try our illusions and tricks to convince them we’re worth the money. It’s pretty awesome to just tell my client what they need in an honest conversation, and to document my work in simple formats. See? Work – not that hard. Go home at 5 and see your family.

Speaking of my new company, here’s another revelation from this past year: I actually like my bosses. I respect them as people, and trust that they have my best interest at heart. Maybe this seems like a given for a job? I’m not sure, because I’m coming from a place of absolute contempt for both my direct and indirect bosses. I’m not saying that any of them were bad people in real life. But I am saying that the culture of that place was pure dog-eat-dog, and I learned the hard way that you could not trust what people told you to your face. The people that I worked for before solidly did NOT care about my career, my personal life, or my well-being. They cared what was best for them. Period. End of story.

So, it’s been shocking to enter a world where talking to my boss and my boss’ boss doesn’t mean I’m in trouble. A world in which, when I say I really don’t want to be staffed in the South Bay, I really won’t be staffed in the South Bay without my permission. And, a world in which people want ME to succeed and be happy. It’s wild. And I like it.

On top of all these awesome changes, the biggest, best, and most notable change is that I’m happy for the first time in a long time. I think my family and friends can see the difference, or, I hope they can. I’m happy now because I have a real life. I have friends! I have a blog! I do arts and crafts! I cook my own meals! And I have reclaimed Monday-Thursday, from 5-10 PM all for myself. Do you know how much you can get done in that many hours? In your own home? All of this means that I can spend my weekends with aforementioned friends. Or traveling for fun. What a concept!

So, here’s my big takeaway: quit your jobs that are making you miserable! Or, get the process started. Because it took me over 8 months to be able to make that post on my Facebook timeline, but it was SO worth it.

Bein Quirky!

2012-02-17T13:25:00.000-08:00

I'm late on this, but this "Bein Quirky" sketch from last week is pretty awesome. Kristen Wiig as Bjork: Very Entertaining!

Bonus Bjork:

Happy Friday!

2012-02-17T13:16:00.000-08:00

Sorry for my continued absence. I know you're heart broken. I just, well, I was required to do a lot of work this week. It really cut down on blog time. Here's Billy Crystal doing a subdued airplane-overbite jig in honor of Friday. I picked Billy in honor of my our second project: our wedding. You'll get it soon.

Too Soon?

Also, R.I.P. Whitney Houston. The Bodyguard was my favorite movie of all time as a 12 year old.

Image of the Day

2012-02-16T10:45:00.003-08:00

Honey boo-boo child and her mother. Toddler's revenge?

Also, this:

Make it all better, Jon Stewart

2012-02-15T13:57:00.000-08:00

When I saw the Liz Trotta "what did they expect but to be raped in the military" clip yesterday, I was so angry, and I wished Jon Stewart was there to make it better. I had to wait a day, but he did. Love you Jon.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

V-Jay Jay Day

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

And on the other hand...

2012-02-14T12:45:00.002-08:00

I Lurve You

2012-02-14T12:39:00.002-08:00

You think this happens every day?

Happy heart day, 12 loyal readers. I lurve you all.

Biscuit without Biscuits: Paleo Adventure Season Finale

2012-02-13T13:58:00.000-08:00

If my Paleo Adventure were a weight-loss reality TV series, then Saturday was the Grand Finale Results Show. And you know what, guys? I wasn't the Biggest Loser. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

The four of us met with our Nutrition Lady for final measurements and body fat testing. Here are my results (in terms of difference before and after):

Bust: (1.75")
Bra-line: (1.25")
Belly Button: (0.75")
Hips: (2.0")
Thigh: 1.25"
Bicep: (0.5")
Calf: (0.25")
Body Fat: (0.4%)
Weight Lost: (9 lbs)

Total Inches Lost: 6.5" - negating the 1.25 inches gained in the thighs. I'll get to that.

So - not bad for a little over 4 weeks, right? It's certainly more effective than anything else I have tried in the last 2 years. I would include my before and after pictures, but I'm sorry, I'm not emotionally ready for that exposure.

So, I know what you're burning question is now: how the hell did your thighs grow? I mean, seriously. They were already pretty solid. Well, the going hypothesis is that it's because I showed up for our measurements directly after this trail run:

Yes, that's a straight 1000 foot climb for the first 1.75 miles. As those kids would say, I was "swoll." Does this actually happen? Our muscles actually get "pumped"? I know one thing for sure: 2 days later I still cannot walk. I'm waddling around the office like a robot/cowboy. Lessons learned: 1, never tell the Cheese Weasel about a trail run you aren't sure you want to do, and 2, maybe a few training runs would be a good idea. Because I'd only run ONCE since my half in November. Not training for a run up a mountain: not my best ever idea.

In total, the four of us ladies lost about 34 inches of fat. A few of the others lost over 2% body fat. It wasn't surprising to me that I didn't lose as much as others, but it was still frustrating. They are already much smaller than me! And, while I haven't had abundant simple carbs and sugars in my life for years, my dear ladies were cereal and ice cream eaters. So, it would appear that my fat storage issues go much deeper, and I have a lot further to go.

So, what's next? I'm going to stick with this. If I keep making progress in the next month or so, I'll keep going from there. 30 days at a time is how I'm thinking about it. At least until November, because I have a long way to go to feeling comfortable in white, the world's most flattering color.

And, if nothing else, I made two awesome new friends, who I bonded with through rebellious wine drinking and cold cut binging.

Happy Friday!

2012-02-10T12:59:00.001-08:00

Happy Friday y'all! Hope you're brushing up on your sweet dance moves for the big day in November!

Also, bonus gif!

Biscuit Plans a Wedding: Part 2

2012-02-09T11:40:00.000-08:00

The scene of the future crime: we're like Minority Report over here.

Something strange is happening to me. I'm crying happy tears about 4 times a day. I mean, I have always been a wedding crier. I cry when I watch 4 Weddings, for god sake. But now, literally every detail of this wedding, when I imagine it in place the day of, is making my eyes well up with tears.

For example: I just listened to a potential DJ's sample mix of 90s-2000s R&B and rap, and cried. It was just so perfect. And the thought of all my best friends and family from the many different parts of my life being in once place, dancing together, and hopefully having a grand old time was just too much for me. Then I realized that I was on the verge of crying tears of joy to a soundrack of Ms. New Booty. Not normal. On the train yesterday I was reading a post on a practical wedding (my new favorite) about writing our own vows, and I thought about what I'd say to my mister, and I started crying. I feel insane. What is happening to me?

I think that, despite the fact that I never admitted it to myself or anyone else, I have really wanted to marry sir shiny hair for a long time. And I can barely write this without feeling like a total jerk-hole, but I am so overwhelmed by happiness and excitement right now that it's pouring out of me like lava. I feel like we have been pre-engaged for years, knowing that we wanted to build a life together, have cute babies, and laugh at our own jokes for the rest of our lives together. We couldn't manage an engagement or a wedding for a long time, due to the economy, our employment and living circumstances, and the usual lists of reasons-not to.

Things still aren't perfect, but I'm glad that we are biting the bullet and living our life. We are ready, and now we are so excited. So, I apologize in advance for the shit-load of emotional and oozing with sweetness crap that you will probably hear coming from my mouth (keyboard) in the next 9 months. I'm sorry for being obnoxious. I'm going to use the temporary insanity plea, because I honestly don't know where this sentimentality is coming from.

I do promise a few things in the name of sanity, though. I will not cry over things, like monogrammed napkins or letter-press invitation "suites." I will plan a raging party, and the fun experience will be the most important consideration for the day. And I promise that I won't complain about wedding planning. Because it's a huge privilege to be able to do this in the first place, and it shouldn't be a chore.

I want all of these

2012-02-08T14:33:00.000-08:00

Though I have exactly the amount of rhythm that you'd expect from a 5'9" white girl, everyone knows that my secret dream is to be professional hip hop dancer. So it's kind of obvious that I would like to surround myself with "how-to's" for the world's greatest dance moves.

Traveling for Work: Not Sexy

2012-02-07T11:22:00.000-08:00

This is not what you look like after a 6 AM flight on Monday.

I’m coming up on my 1-year anniversary with my new company, so I’ve been pretty reflective lately on how much my life has improved and changed in such a short period of time. Remember when I wrote about all the things I learned in Consulting? Well, somehow in the course of spilling my guts about the soul-crushing, spirit-killing culture of Big 4 Consulting, I managed not to mention perhaps the single worst part of the job: the 100% travel schedule.

In the course of almost four years with the company, I was staffed in: Orange County CA, Wichita KS, Santa Fe NM (with weeks in Framingham MA, Tampa FL, Vienna VA, Montrovia CA, and of course NYC), and Walnut Creek, CA. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “that sounds awesome! Free trips around the country! Expense accounts!”

But it is not awesome. Traveling for work is NOT like traveling for pleasure. You spend more time in airports than in your own bed. You live in creepy hotels (all hotels are creepy). And let me assure you, a conference room in Hell’s Kitchen, NYC, looks exactly the same as that conference room in your home office. And, think about where offices of large corporations are generally located. Unless you’re really lucky, you’re in an office park just outside of Boston or DC. And the client spends thousands to bring you on site – you’re not leaving that conference room at 5 PM. You’re working until 7 PM on a good night, and you’re not going to see much outside of those office walls. Still not convinced? Here are a few more things that suck about traveling for a living.

You will have no life: Consultancies will tout a 3-4-5 schedule in their recruiting activities. You’ll hear, “you know, I travel for a living, but it’s quite reasonable. We follow a 3-4-5- schedule. That means 3 days on the client site, the fourth night at home, and the 5^th day in your home office.” Meaning, you fly out Monday morning, fly home Thursday night, and are expected to be in your company’s home office on Friday. Sounds reasonable to a young go-getter, straight out of college, right?

However, 3-4-5 is really like 3-.5-0. You’ll spend 3 days at your client site hating life and counting down until you can go home. You’ll spend half a night at home when your delayed flight finally arrives. That's IF the partner on your project has not decreed that everyone stay on site 5 days a week. And you’ll spend 1.5 days at home trying to enjoy life. You will not go into your office on Friday because you’re exhausted and the thought of talking to other miserable consultants sounds absolutely horrible. Co-worker friends? Not with this model. And while you’re home, you’re trying to make the most of it, but really, you’re dreading your Monday 6 am flight. Your friendships will suffer when you only have 2 possible days a week on which to see people, and you would rather spend those on the couch watching Bravo (how in the hell do 90% of hotels STILL not have Bravo?) and snuggling with your dog. Crying every Sunday night – normal or not normal?

The only reason I maintained a relationship in these 4 years was that I traveled with sir good hair to Orange County for 2 years. In fact, this traumatic time may have sealed our bond. Remember Keanu and Sandra in Speed? Kind of like that. In the time when we weren’t traveling together, I pretty much only saw him when I was home on weekends. Friendships: crumbled.

Hotels are creepy: I slept in the same bed as Dennis Rodman. Not at the same time, weirdo. I know this because I lived in the same hotel in Costa Mesa, CA for almost 2 years. That meant that the whole hotel staff knew me by name, and one week alerted me to the fact that Mr. Rodman was staying on my floor. They even told me which room. I definitely had that room before and after the fact. Try feeling sanitary after that. Add to that the dumps I stayed in during the dead of winter in Wichita, KS, the Embassy Suites in Irvine that smelled damp and had murals of monkeys in turbans in the restaurant, and Dateline horror stories about hotel bacteria, and you suddenly have the urge to bathe in antibacterial hand gel. On the upside, I can identify which hotel is hosting the pageants featured on Toddlers and Tiaras based solely on the tapestries and carpet patterns.

Airports and airplanes are the worst places in the world: You will witness the absolute worst elements of human behavior. I once listened to a man projectile vomit for the entire flight from Albuquerque, NM to Las Vegas, NV. US Airways employees will look straight through you as you try to arrange passage on a later flight after your connecting flight left 10 minutes early and stranded you at PHX for ten hours. You will jockey for space in the boarding area, predicting when they will call for Premier Executives to board, because suddenly this matters to you. And you will see a man let his dog poop on the terminal carpet without cleaning it up.

You will fear for your life: Speaking of airports and airlines, do you remember that time the pilot put the landing gear down at 30,000 ft because the plane was overheating? Or the time the turbulence was so bad that people were actually screaming? No? You don’t fly every week. Fly 2-4 times a week and your odds of experiencing something horrifying just stack up. That’s my stance. Have you ever flown out of John Wayne Airport in OC? They have a noise reduction procedure that involves taking off at full speed, then cutting the throttle so that it feels like you’re in free-fall. I did it every week for 2 years, and it probably took 5 years off my life. And given my profession, I have the chance to look behind the curtain at many companies that you would think have their shit together. Here’s a secret: people are people everywhere, and people are dumb. Once you see planes being built by the guy next store, who can have good days and bad days, you’re no longer confident in so-called experts, like, say, pilots.

You will trick yourself into thinking that the airline and hotel points are worth it: One of the primary things I heard soon-to-quit traveling consultants say was “man, traveling sucks, but I really don’t want to give up my status.” I said this myself. Sure, it’s cool that I once had top-tier status at 3 hotel chains, elite status on 2 airlines, and have not paid for a hotel room or plane ticket in about 3 years. But you forget when you’re wrapped up in this travel business that the benefits of elite status do not even come close to 1) not traveling constantly and 2) having an actual, emotionally fulfilling home life. Sure, you get a slightly larger room up-grade, or even the presidential suite a few times a year. Maybe they put a cheese plate and a bottle of wine in your room when you check in. But, I, personally, would rather pay for that 8 dollar bottle of wine and 2 dollar hunk of cheese, and eat it in my arm chair with my dog in my lap. Call me crazy. I have a lot of friends that are still in consulting and will post #humblebrags about their status in a somewhat steady stream, and though I’m glad that there is a bright spot in an otherwise horrible travel schedule, I sometimes want to shake them and say, “get a hold of yourself! It’s not worth it!”

You’ll get fat: I think one of the key tips nutritionists, doctors, and trainers will give you is, “create a schedule, build healthy habits, and plan ahead.” None of that is possible if you’re traveling. You’re working late. You could get rolled off your project at any time, so don't pre-pay for any trainer sessions. If you’re traveling across time zones, your morning workouts become more and more of a pipe dream. And have you seen the average hotel "gym"? You eat all your meals through restaurants and airports. On top of that, you will not have groceries in your home, because you stopped buying them because they go bad when you’re too tired to cook. I didn’t realize how horrible this habit was until recently, when we started this paleo thing, and started cooking almost all our meals at home. Finally my taste buds “reset” or something, and I am back to actually preferring our home cooked meals to restaurant food. I won’t get into the effects of massive stress on your fat storage. Let’s just say, not good.

So, my advice to anyone who thinks that traveling for work sounds kind of sexy is: don’t be fooled. And if you do give it a shot, I’m sure that the first time you’re deathly ill in a hotel room, begging room service to bring you Nyquil, you’ll wish that you had a family member or loved one around. Or maybe it’ll be the first time you have 3 flights in 2 days, and a double ear infection. Regardless, there will be a point at which enough is enough.

Biscuit Plans a Wedding: Part 1

2012-02-06T13:13:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone. You can breathe again, I have restored external internet access at work! It was a long, arduous 1.5 days in the office, but I survived and I feel stronger for it.

So, wedding planning. Wow. First of all, let me say that I feel like a complete impostor calling myself a "bride," calling Mr. Good Hair my "fiance," and in general discussing anything wedding related. We've been together for almost four years, lived together for two, and have talked about this seriously for more than a year. But for some reason, I feel like I'm pretending with this whole thing. It's weird. Does it ever start being real?

Anywho, once again perpetuating female stereotypes, I went full type-A on planning last week and did not rest until we had secured a venue we love, on a Saturday, in this calendar year, and not smack dab in the middle of the Holidays. What did that entail? Well, I think I read the entire "here comes the guide" website, opened myself up to the possibility of any affordable venue in Northern California, asked HB to talk me down at least twice, sent my parents approximately 100 emails/day, and called or emailed at least 40 venues.

On Saturday we visited two venues that had the general look I was going for (rustic dance party, obviously) and had (any) dates available in 2012. While I thought I would love the Presidio Log Cabin the most (both for being IN the city and for looking like it's in Tahoe), I ended up falling in love with the Outdoor Art Club in Mill Valley. It's right across the Golden Gate bridge, and feels like a cabin smack dab in the middle of a lovely garden. While we were visiting there were 8 other couples touring the venue, so of course my competitive side took over and I submitted my request for our date (the only non-holiday Saturday left past July) from a bench directly outside the property, within 2 minutes of leaving our docent. I then proceeded to worry over whether we had gotten it for the next 24 hours, until I received a confirmation email from the rental director Sunday afternoon.

We currently have a hold on November 10, and though we're looking at a few more venues, I expect that we will be putting a deposit down on the property. Very exciting!

After we went venue hunting, I went dress shopping with a friend of mine who is also recently engaged. She found a bridal store that was having a closing sale and was blowing through it's stock at 50-70% off. That'll get me through the door. I was unexpectedly nervous about putting any kind of a wedding dress on, but thought I would get over it. I was wrong. I put one dress on and had a panic attack a-la Carry Bradshaw. I started sweating and itching, and I felt like a monster in that white thing. I definitely wasn't ready to put a dress on. I think I'll wait for another 10-15 pounds before I try again.

I feel so much better now that we have a timeline and a location. Now I can plan the fun stuff: drinks, snacks, bachelorette party. I'm super excited to, for the first time, have all of my friends and family in one place. My loved ones are so scattered across the country that I have never been able to enjoy their company all at once. I'm making a commitment to myself, after the venue and dress anxiety, to actually have fun planning, not spend money on things I don't care about, and to throw a really fun party for everyone. That means: good food, good drinks, good music, and dance-offs. Also, crying. And possibly arts & crafts. It's going to be fun.

Happy Friday!

2012-02-03T13:54:00.000-08:00

So, you know what was fun this week? My client installed a security patch that made it impossible for contractors to access the internet! Translation? Most boring week ever.

Supposedly there will be a fix Monday, so cross your fingers for more bits then. In the mean team, enjoy this amazing feat of costumery and coordination. Let this be known: I wouldn't be mad if this showed up at my wedding.

Biscuit Without Biscuits: Paleo Diet Adventure Part 5

2012-02-01T13:21:00.000-08:00

Ten days to go.

I'm still not sold on this whole Paleo thing. Yes, my stomach is 100% less bloated. I have been sleeping like a rock (or like a caveman in my cave, as it were). And I think I'm looking slimmer. As an aside, does anyone else have a condition in which they lose two pounds and think they're suddenly Giselle? I'll consider myself blessed that at times I completely irrationally think I'm as good looking as Beyonce, but what the shit. My mind is a strange place.

But here's the thing: I haven't lost much weight. The universe was preventing me from weighing myself, as I bought replacement batteries for my first scale, which still did not bring the scale back to life. So, fine, it's at the end of it's 15 year life (guestimation - I have no idea where that scale came from, but I inherited it somehow). So, I went to Target over the weekend to buy a new scale, and I managed to buy a lemon. That scale will not turn on, regardless of the 3 batteries we tried. So, I finally gave in and weighed myself Monday at my exercise studio. I GAINED a pound! Sure, it was the day after celebrating my engagement with lots of bubbly and a small cheat (I had a sugary cocktail and one onion ring). But seriously? Other than my cheat, no bread, beans, adding meat, and no sugar for almost 3 weeks, and this small of a result? Not cool. And my awesome arm rash looks better some days, not better on others. The results are not consistent!

Maybe I'm taking it overboard with the fats. Back when I tried the 4 hour body diet (similar to Paleo but with beans at every meal, and a cheat day once a week), I was so good at cheat days that I didn't lose any weight. Where other people lose their taste for desserts, or can only eat so much cheese, I'm insatiable. I'm a cheese machine. So, maybe it's too much butter and coconut oil that's preventing me from seeing better results. I have no idea.

But now it's business time, because I sure as hell am not getting married in this condition. So, for the next ten days I'm going to quit cutting any corners. I'll cut back on butter. I'm going to attempt to cut back on coffee intake, and keep the half and half out when I have it. ONE small piece of fruit per day, no parm on my eggs with marinara. Also, less bacon. I'll let you know how it goes.

Random fun fact:

- Ways I trick myself into thinking I've lost weight: Wear my jeans for a few days in a row without washing. They are totally looser, I must have lost 10 pounds. Only looking at myself in profile in the mirror. Staring at myself in the skinny mirror in my exercise studio. Wearing only elastic waistbands for the entire weekend.

It's Impossible not to like Kristen Bell

2012-01-31T11:43:00.000-08:00

I mean... I know that I would love to hate her. But first I read that she had a Hunger Games themed birthday party, and now she's crying over a sloth, and let it be shown on national TV... so how can I not love her?