Ladies Bits

I think I love Schmidt

2012-04-20T10:16:00.003-07:00

Have you guys been watching New Girl? I am surprised by how much I love it. Also surprising is how not only does Schmidt not annoy the crap out of me, but how I kind of love him.

Exhibit A: In response to Vulture.com's spoof Cut the Schmidt workout video cover, the man made this awesome promo video:

I think I love you, Schmidt.

Did it Hurt?

2012-04-20T09:40:00.001-07:00

...when your fiancee castrated you?

The longer I plan this wedding thing, the more I hate weddings. Which I think is a good thing, because I'm not being tricked into buying silly things. And along the lines of ridiculous people taking themselves VERY seriously, I found this "Notebook" themed engagement session and I almost died of embarrassment for these people. And then, I got to the bottom of the page, and saw that this movie themed engagement photo shot is a thing. Ugh. Check out this classic from a Harry Potter Photo Shoot:

This blowing the glitter thing. I don't get it. I see it everywhere. Here we are, in our Hogwarts uniforms, just blowing some glitter into the air. So many things about this boggle the mind. First of all, and this goes for almost every engagement photo shoot I see, I cannot imagine telling Mr Luxurious Locks, in all seriousness - hey, hold this glitter. Look into the camera and just blow it into the air. Or, MLL: RIDE THIS BROOMSTICK! Now act like Ryan Gosling!

Okay, maybe I'd consider asking him to start all his communications to me with, "Hey girl..." But, despite the fact that he lets me dress him up like my own personal Ken doll for costume parties, I don't think he would ever consent to acting out a Nicholas Sparks movie, to be documented on film.

And second of all: Is there ANY chance that this will not one day end up on Awkward Family Photos? Because while it may seem very "of the moment" now, I promise you that one day, this will be as hilariously awkward to everyone as it is to me right now.

I highly recommend taking a look through all these themed engagement sessions. The one that is actually pretty funny and awesome is the Star Wars shoot. Because, face paint. Always a good choice.

I'm Back!

2012-04-20T09:26:00.002-07:00

I took a bit of an unplanned hiatus from the bits... we'll call it a sabbatical. Senor Super Hair went back to work in a pretty demanding job about 5 weeks ago, and it kind of turned my world upside down. Now that we're more well adjusted to our new schedules, I'm feeling somewhat inspired again.

I'm sure you were all waiting with bated breath for the Return of the Biscuit. Rejoice, because I'm back, bitches.

Mondays are the Worst. Fact.

2012-04-02T16:00:00.001-07:00

Did you know that most of us don't even smile until 11:16 am on a Monday? Fact. More about this, and 9 more facts about how much Mondays suck over here.

Note: that 3.5 hours seems aggressive.

Happy Friday!

2012-03-30T12:47:00.002-07:00

You may have heard, there was a dance number on the season premiere of Mad Men.

In my opinion, the imitators were much more entertaining.

Happy Friday ya'll!

This Wedding of Terrors is Dedicated to Holar

2012-03-29T13:27:00.001-07:00

My favorite way to pass time at work since getting engaged is watching wedding videos. And when I'm REALLY committed to procrastinating I'll just find the vimeo channel of the videographer and sit through all of their greatest hits. Today I found this channel by Inkspot Productions (really very good at their job), where, among other things, I found a wedding that must have cost at least a million dollars (just wait for the send off), amazingly southern wedding hair, and, perhaps most importantly, a wedding incorporating Holar's worst nightmares and fear of birds into the ceremony. Holar: this one goes out to you.

I need to find a park with swings, stat

2012-03-29T09:19:00.001-07:00

Hey Hola B, check out this video, especially the 1:04 mark. I didn't know Fred Sanford was a movie star!?

I love Figs

2012-03-28T16:56:00.000-07:00

You know I love a gif. Or a fig, which is what I always type when I try to type gif. So figs, I love them. And friend to the Ladies Bits, Scribe/CW pointed me to this awesome website, what should we call me, which promptly ate 4 hours of my life. Girlfriend takes funny gifs and titles them appropriately. Simple concept- excellent execution.

You may also know that reality tv gifs is one of my favorite time wasters. Obviously, because it combines two of my passions: reality TV and figs. So, I wanted to play the WSWCM game with reality tv gifs and current events in my life. Here goes.

When my border-violating desk-mate talks. Or uses her mouse at a 90 degree angle from her body.

When new parent friends on facebook post something about a child or child-rearing

When the lady at Nordstrom made me try on this figure skating outfit

Any time I clean the house while listening to music

When I've locked a hunk of cheese in my sights. Or Jon Hamm.

When someone tries to speak to me before my first cup of coffee

After tasting Paleo approved "flackers"

Every time a new Ohio State NCAA Violation is reported

Jon Hamm is going to explode your ovaries

2012-03-27T15:45:00.003-07:00

Click here for 7 minutes in heaven with this hot hunk of Hamm.

Happy Friday!

2012-03-23T12:15:00.002-07:00

Hey y'all, it's Friday! And it's the day of the Hunger Games. I CAN'T WAIT!

See you Monday!

Will Arnett Looks like Dracula

2012-03-22T14:12:00.001-07:00

Biscuit Plans a Wedding: Best Internets Finds

2012-03-21T13:12:00.001-07:00

Ever since I started planning this thing, I have applied my internet and celebrity gossip diligence to wedding blogs. Meaning, I check for updates multiple times a day. And when I find a blog I like, I will scroll through the whole archive, even if it takes hours. I have found tons of great ideas for the wedding - lots of fun and easy-to-make decorations, and tips for saving money.

I have also found some completely bonkers, hilarious, and so bad it's amazing stuff. People taking themselves way too seriously. Heinous bridesmaid dresses. And of course, engagement sessions that take fromage to a new level of excellence. I care about you, our 12 loyal readers, so I wanted to share my best wedding finds with you. Enjoy!

1. The I think she thinks she's a model for Anthropologie engagement shoot: Hop on over to the Green Wedding Shoes blog and soak in the glory of Jacqueline and Kyle's Sausalito engagement shoot. This couple definitely wins the world record for taking themselves seriously. Bonus? They live in my city. I really hope I run into them someday, and that it takes me a while to place the face. I hope I've had a few glasses of cab before I finally place them, and then I hope I loudly "whisper" "there's the girl who reenacted the Kanye video where he falls in love with a Phoenix!"

Fiance's balls firmly in death grip

Just hanging out here at the beach with our old chandalier and cake stands. Sunday Funday!

2. The Hunger Games Wedding Inspiration Shoot: Listen: I'm as obsessed with the Hunger Games as anyone else. But you know what's not romantic? A mandated Child Death Match. I know that what I want to think about on my wedding day is a post-apocalyptic world in which a centralized fascist government oppresses and abuses all of the citizens in periphery territories. Thanks for all the extra inspiration, Green Wedding Shoes!

Katniss would kick your ass for this, lady

Weddings and cupcakes: global symbols of rebellion, like the mockingjay!

3. The Toon Town Engagement Shoot: Ah Green Wedding Shoes, you certainly are a treasure trove, aren't you? This extremely creepy Roger Rabbit themed engagement shoot made me spit up my coffee. To each her own on their wedding and engagement. Also, these two are apparently animators, so I guess it makes sense. But that angry little baby is so creepy, so un-like anything that harks to the sentimentality of a couple in love, that I can't help but feel like maybe one day they'll wish these creeps hadn't been superimposed over their pictures? Or, maybe they have a line of beanie babies in their back car window. Who knows.

Excuse me, there's a creepy little bald man in your shot

4. This Pose.I have seen so many variations on this.What are you looking at? Is there something stuck to your shoe? Hate eye contact with your partner? I don't get it. Maybe I just can NOT imagine myself posing like this with a straight face. But that's probably why all my wedding portraits will look like Awkward Family Photos.

I'm sorry... you just smell really bad

5. This DIY Wedding Dress: I saw this dress from afar and I was like, "dang, that's really pretty!" Then as I scrolled through the pictures I realized, "DANG, THAT DRESS IS COMPLETELY SEE-THROUGH!" Lady: you've got a rockin body. No mistake there. But if you're so talented that you could craft this dress on your own, aren't you also talented enough to, I don't know, line it? Maybe you're into the thought of walking down the aisle in view of your grandparents, with all your bits hanging out, but I'm not really into it. And from this angle, you kind of look like a Victorian prostitute:

I'll be keeping my future favorites in mind. More to come on this topic.

Get out of here, Carl!

2012-03-19T10:04:00.003-07:00

Are you guys watching the Walking Dead? It's not the best show of all time, but it is scary, entertaining, and regularly leads me to scream at my television, as any good thriller or horror movie should. If you are watching, you know that Carl is the worst, Lori is the most ineffective parent ever, and that Carl is always showing up where he should not be. Someone else agrees, and created Get out of Here Carl! - a tribute to Carl being the worst. Enjoy.

I just felt like we could all use a high five today

2012-03-19T09:59:00.001-07:00

I effing hate Mondays.

Happy Friday!

2012-03-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

So I know we've been a bit light lately, and that's mainly because I've actually been forced to produce work lately. No worries, I'm sure that'll change soon.

This week's Friday dance goes out to my fiance' with the good hair and my mom, who was visiting all week. They know why. Enjoy the weekend everyone, and I hope you all catch a leprechaun or whatever it is you're supposed to do on St. Patrick's day.

Biscuit Plans a Wedding: The Dress

2012-03-14T11:13:00.002-07:00

I tackled the thing I was most dreading this past weekend. I'm not sure if I'm an anomaly, but based on my encyclopedic knowledge of Say Yes to the Dress, I would say that my dread regarding dress shopping was a bit out the ordinary. Starting Friday, I went to four separate stores in search of dress that didn't make me look like a whale, or an "albino parade float (in the words of HB)."

So, why was I dreading this, and was my fear well founded? I dreaded wedding dress shopping because the thought of stuffing my muffy tops into my finest spanx, a strapless bra, and bridesmaid gold heels, then standing vulnerably in a small dressing room with a perfect stranger, fighting off the back-sweats whille sausaging myself into sample sizes, followed by parading out in an unzipped, 50 pound dress to show my closest family (with a sprinkling of by-standing strangers) gave me the anxiety poos. Ironically, those of us most likely to be flashing said muffy tops and strapless bra backs (always sexy) because we don't fit in the sample sizes are likely the same women that are least excited about the whole experience. On top of it all, I am neither a "naked" person, nor an attention whore, so yes, I was terrified. And this fear was well founded.

I started at J Crew Friday evening, moved on to Nordstrom and a designer/custom place on Saturday, and then tried out a mainly-bridesmaid store on Sunday. Each day and appointment included a different group of people I trusted. My dear friend and coworker accompanied me to J Crew, where I was actually smiling and quite comfortable because a) my sales lady let me stay in the dressing room alone to get in and out of dresses, and b) the bridal area was a pair of dressing rooms behind a curtain, shielded from the rest of the store and stranger eyes. These two things went a long way in helping me stay comfortable and non-sweaty. I can't reveal too much here, in this public place, but I can say that I think I found my dress at J Crew. Coincidence?

Saturday started at Nordstrom with my dad and step-mom, which would have been fine, except for the group of 4 cougars literally circled around the only full length mirror, who, uninvited, offered feedback on the dresses I was trying. Nordstrom was the site of The Breakdown. My consultant tried (yes, she was in there, viewing me in my full nude-spanx glory) four dresses in a row that would not fit over my ample derriere, and finally managed to shoe horn me into a 5th, which was literally cutting off circulation to my legs. I walked out onto the viewing platform (akin to a cattle auction) and broke down in tears.

I have not had a body-image related breakdown in a long time, but I just couldn't deal with the ridiculous fact that me, a pretty averaged sized person, was unable to try on 4 very expensive dresses I was considering purchasing. This only got worse at the next stop, where my mom and another good friend joined the crowd. The local designer shop had gowns with average price of 3-4 thousand dollars, and approximately 0 of the styles I liked would even fit over my hips.

Listen: I know I'm not in the best shape of my life. And I know that I am tall, curvy, and "thick" lady. But I am smaller than the average American. And I am just NOT THAT BIG. And even if I was bigger, what the fuck kind of business model is it to only carry sample sizes that 1/4 (maybe) of the population can zip up? And what person in their right mind would pay 3000 bucks for a gown that may or may not look good on them? When my salesperson offered to "paper doll" me into the gown (which I think meant that she would hang it from my neck to give me an idea of how it would look on me), I was over it.

The whole experience was exhausting, disheartening, and surprisingly emotional. It was also enlightening, though, and made me want to get even further away from what I will call (and I'm probably not the first) the wedding industrial complex. It's built to gouge you at your most vulnerable, to make you feel insecure and like you NEED to buy the triple-priced shape-wear. Or the lipo.

You always imagine your wedding in the future, but then one day you get engaged and all the "one days" suddenly become urgent and "need nows." "One day I won't have this roll of back fat" becomes, "THIS BACK FAT NEEDS TO GO NOW!" I'm not going to lie and say that I won't work my ass off to try to burn off that back fat, but I also won't be paying someone 3000 dollars for the pleasure of wearing their bleached prom dresses. Lady, maybe if you had provided an inclusive experience that allowed someone of my "stature" to feel beautiful, I'd feel inclined to give you my business. But as it stands, I won't be supporting your current business model. And I think my lower leg circulation will thank me.

Happy Friday!

2012-03-09T11:01:00.001-08:00

I have four appointments for wedding dress try-ons this weekend, starting today. This is sort of a nightmare for me - putting on sample-size dresses and being forced to walk out in front of people for appraisal. Wish me luck and diminished bloating.

Today in unfortunate "targeted" advertising...

2012-03-08T09:38:00.002-08:00

1. I know this was totally unintentional, but, ummm...? I also know that ad sense and the like can make some pretty awesome associations, kind of like our banner ads for Panamanian mail order brides. Google geniuses, can't you fix this?

2. Does anyone still watch the Real World? I love reality television, but I will only watch this franchise when I'm too lazy or hungover to retrieve the remote from the other side of the bed.

"French Government official publicly refers to females as 'human beings'. " - Pack up your vaginas ladies, France it is.

2012-03-07T14:54:00.001-08:00

Hey Ladies,

Have you been feeling "less than fresh" lately? Perhaps you've noticed some irritation in your lady parts? Yeah me too. Which Summer's Eve product is supposed to get rid of the of politicos invading our vaginas?

I can't think about any of this too much and maintain my nonchalant humorous take on life, so I will make this short. Jezebel posted this article about France banning child beauty pageants After my initial visceral reaction to thought of French people missing out on Toddlers and Tiara's, I was struck by this quote:

"The senator who wrote the report, Chantal Jouanno, has said that the sexualization of young girls is "contrary to the dignity of the human being" and is a step backward for gender equality."

This is a politician speaking. About lady children. Using the words human and dignity.

Refreshing to say the least. If I continue having to watch these dudes

tell me how to use my vagina and about which civil liberties/basic human rights I will be losing this week, I will have to pack my vagina and all of my other ladies bits and go on a long vacation. Call me when they pass a constitutional amendment that in order to make policy governing my vagina you must be able to locate a vagina on a map of an adult woman. Seriously, look at these guys.

-HB

Paleo Adventure + Hunger Games

2012-03-07T10:04:00.001-08:00

Still totally, butt crazy in love with Josh

2012-03-06T19:05:00.002-08:00

Hey bitches, I'm posting from home because I couldn't watch this video at work. Which was torture, because it was like "7 minutes in heaven with your favorite man other than Jon Hamm and your fiance'!" Psych! Video not available. ROUGH. So, I rushed home and watched it. Now that I've shared it with you, I'm going to watch it again. And again.

RHoD

2012-03-05T10:32:00.001-08:00

This sketch is pure genius. Ms Wiig's Cinder-Kim-Richards impression steals the show.

It's raining tennis balls

2012-03-02T16:21:00.003-08:00

I'm going to pin this to a Pinterest board with the comment "great idea for my dog's birthday!"

Happy Friday!

2012-03-02T14:49:00.002-08:00

It's been a while since we paid homage to Mac's dance skillz, and I just felt like it was time.

I just feel like, I could love Don Draper the way he needs to be loved.

2012-03-01T13:40:00.001-08:00