I’ve bought some sweet new wheels but Penelope and Pearly girlie don’t have anything to worry about because my new ride is not for brides. I bought it for me. The furry dice are in place and it won’t be long before it’s overloaded with leopard skin and voodoo knick knacks and it will never hear the sound of Ed Sheeran. Never.

Besides, how many brides want to arrive at their wedding in a car that looks like a custard cream on wheels. Not many I’ll wager, and if there are any mental brides-to-be reading this that feel the urge to travel in Bet Lynch’s boudoir under no circumstances will there be any James Blunt.

I trucked all the way to Dorset to pick it up. The jury is still out on the gender of this beast, but I have a funny feeling that this ain’t no lady. I may have landed myself with a bloke.

It’s hard to tell the gender of a car until you’ve been driving it. There is really no other way to find out.  In my experience Jags are mainly birds, sometimes they’re the kind of birds who would wear dungarees but not always. I did once have one that was a bloke, and it was horrible, it was a hunk of junk XJ40 in gun metal grey that came from Stoke. If it had turned in to a person it would have been wearing slip on loafers with tassels, shiny trousers, flashed mullet and a pencil ‘tache. I’m sure you can imagine I didn’t keep it for long.

So my new car is still nameless, of indeterminate gender and not yet overwhelmed by my leopard print obsession. Penelope and Pearl should be grateful, even if they do have to endure Ed Sheeran from time to time.

I’ve just put my prices up, not a little bit either it’s actually about 40% which in cash money hard currency is a huge £100 added on to the price of the Perfect package. Except that it’s not really.

Nobody likes a bragger because we’re English and we don’t do that do we?  So for a minute, just imagine I have an American accent.  I’m thinking snappy New Jersey rather than southern drawl.

Hell Yeah! For every couple that engage my services. I work my ass off. I spend hours and I mean literally hour upon hour on pre wedding prep, from valeting the cars and hunting the right decorations whether they’re butterflies, birds, bows or baubles. Through to shopping for treats. I never scrimp on the cost of anything. I buy primo products for my girls to make them as sparkly as possible, I go through tyre black like I drink the stuff and Mr Autoglym is inviting me to his beach house this summer. My basic car wash routine takes 2 hours and that’s before I even crack open the polish. I have guns like action man from the wax on/wax off routine.  I drive the route before every job, so that I don’t need to rely on sat-nav and so I can look for potential problems.

On the day I make sure that in the cars we’re ready for anything that could go wrong, because it can and probably will at some point. The heavens open, dresses burst at the seams, nails and eyelashes come off, stockings ladder, the last minute bacon sarnie leaves the death drip of tomato sauce on the best mans shirt. Nerves give brides and grooms cold sweats, hot flushes and dry mouths, Mums get teary, kids get fractious, and hairdo’s collapse and I feel like it’s my duty to take care of them and do what I can to make it all better. Being there with an umbrella when the rain is falling and keeping the brides dress off the floor until she’s safe inside. Performing emergency stitch ups on dresses, on trousers and even bouquets, cutting off tags, fixing nails back, treating tomato sauce stains being ready with mints and breath freshener, knowing when to reveal the stash of treats to bored page boys and being a dab hand with the Elnette and bobby pins. It really is all part of the service.

I know for sure there are plenty of un-cool cats who cut so many corners they’re making circles. They’re the guys who hope for rain so the photographer won’t take too long. They’re the ones that fire up the engine to make people feel pressured to get a move on. ‘Nuff said. They’re rubbish.

So I could get away with less. It’s not like I’m expecting repeat business now is it? I could buy cheapex wedding car decoration kits made with plastic ribbon pull bows. I could turn a blind eye when things go wrong and ply my brides with cheap plonk. I’d still be doing what I was paid to do but there’s be one important thing missing. I’d be doing it without the love.

So there it is, that’s what you pay extra for.

I hope that’s why I was awarded with Best Wedding Transport Supplier for the North East in the 2012 Wedding Industry Awards.

I’m sure you can imagine, I see a lot of photos of my girls with brides and grooms stood next to them, or in them, or quite frequently on them! They’re always great to see because I’m totally madly in love with my cars and I never get bored of looking at them, which is sad I know, but every now and again I see some that make me slam my brew down on the table and shout ‘Hot-diggity-damn’

The set of photos I’m going to share with you are courtesy of LBC photography in Leeds. It was the first time I’d worked with them and hopefully won’t be the last. I think the photos speak for themselves really but I’ll carry on anyway…

What I loved about these LBC  dudes was that their candid shots were really genuinely candid and captured the fun. My big favourite was the one where I’m helping Claire on to the bonnet and Russ is trying his best not to slide off.

The other thing that really struck me was that my baby Pearl is really part of these pictures instead of just being a pretty backdrop. Isn’t that surprising that I like my girl being in the thick of it…

Isn’t she gorgeous?

Claire that is…

Okay, so Pearl is gorgeous too, but I would say that wouldn’t I.

LBC were easy to work with and turned in some snappy results. Snappy results…get it? Oh I’m so funny…I’ll stop now and let you enjoy the rest.

Here’s to Claire and Russ and thanks to LBC photography xx

Tomorrow I’ll be down the woods, scuffling about, hunting pine cones and holly to begin putting together a ‘winter wonderland’ theme. Diana, that’s for you…

So much of my job is spent sewing, snipping and tying things together that I think I probably spend more time playing dress up with the cars than I do driving.

While I’m on the subject of decorations I decided to do a quick count up to see which were the most popular themes of the year so far.  Here you go pop pickers….

10. An opulent new entry this year, rich chocolate brown

9. Elegant and thoroughly English, the classic Hunter Green

8.  Gaining popularity this year has been Royal Blue

7.  This year twice as many brides have opted for Fuchsia

6.  Traditional and timeless, you just can’t go wrong with Ivory

5.  It’s not just for Goths, and cockney funerals. Bold and brilliant Black

4. Fresh and Zesty, this has featured in all four seasons’ lemon

3. Passionate and dramatic, down on last year but still big news Scarlet

2. Maybe it’s because the girls love chocolate? Cadburys Purple

1. By a country mile the rip roaring ultra-hit of the year, luscious Burgundy.

I’d been dying to see these for two reasons, firstly because I always look forward to the results of working with Shelly. I get to work with a lot of photographers, some of them are fantastic some of them are pants, and some of them are downright extraordinary.  I think you can see for yourself which category Super Shelly fits in to.

The second reason was I wanted to see the fruits of my labours on film. The tropical fruits…

I had an exciting challenge to decorate the car. ‘Pearl’ was on the job and my brief from Bride and Groom to-be Paula and Mike was ‘hot tropical’ so orange, yellow, pinks and purples were the way to go.

I ordered in lots of new shades of organza and wondered how on earth I could make Pearl look good with such a riot of colours. I had ideas about tropical birds nestled in a bonnet bouquet, then butterflies.  I tried streamers and big blooms, various confections for the door handles and parcel shelf but they all looked so wrong.

After trying big bows, little bows and no bows I had a late night brainwave, thinking back to primary school days was my inspiration and I cut five discs in different shades of organza and stitched them together into individual rosettes to tie on to the door handles. It was nearly midnight by the time I finished but I left the unit feeling pretty pleased with myself. It was a good start.

For the parcel shelf I made a new flower arrangement with pink, yellow, orange and purple silk orchids, framed by an edging around the windscreen of hot pink stem orchids. The whole effect was gloriously colourful and I was thrilled with it.

The next hurdle was how to work the sashes and the bonnet bling. I had so many colours that I wanted to use and I was overwhelmed.

I experimented with multiple colours at the same time, plaiting sashes together, twisting them, tying bows at the wing mirrors, I was getting frustrated that what I had in my head just wasn’t translating in real life.

So I took a step back and decided to focus the mix of colours on the bonnet bouquet, while simplifying the sashes. It was a tough choice which single colour to use, but eventually I plumped for the orange, simply because I’d never used such a vibrant shade before, I’ve used more muted burnt oranges but this was almost electric it was so bright.

I used different lengths of organza for the bonnet bouquet and worked some flowers in too. It was tempting to go really overboard but I held myself back and tried to let the riot of colours be the highlight. Hopefully the blend of all the decorations together would capture what I had envisaged.

I always worry beforehand that my bride won’t love what I’ve done. I take dressing the car more seriously than dressing myself! If I spent as much time putting my own outfits together I’d be one classy chick.

So when I pulled up to collect Mike and his guys first I was relieved when he said how pleased he was with the decorations.

When Paula saw them and also loved them, well that really made my day and all the worrying was completely worthwhile.

The sun was shining and Paula and Mike looked dazzling when they stepped out of The Mansion all married up. They were all big smiles and looking like a pair of cool cats. Paula with her shades on and Mike with some tremendous brothel creepers.

Shelly captured some beautiful original images of the newlyweds with Pearl. I know I can count on her to come up with something new each time. It would be so easy to go for the traditional shot of the couple just standing by the car. That’s all well and good but it’s so refreshing to see it mixed up a little bit.

One of my fave shots is where Mike is in the Driver’s seat and Paula is stood at the side of Pearl wearing her shades holding her bouquet in the air. Mike and Paula were bright fun people and I think Shelly captures it all.

I’m going to keep on bigging her up whenever I can so you all just go ahead and book us both for your wedding which means  I get to work with her again and then I get even more genius shots for my collection and everyone’s a winner!

Running my wedding car business is like being a Mum, looking after my girlies and taking care of them, but I’m also the other kind of mum. The kind that you see wearing a haunted expression, and sporting fresh grey hairs every day….A mum of teenagers.

Well last week was beset by some serious trauma. I thought the terrible twos were bad, but they were just a warm up for the terrifying teens!

So after a gruelling couple of days, I took five to grab a coffee and check my emails.  That’s when I found out that Lady Penelope Cars had been chosen as the winner of the Northeast Transport Supplier in the 2012 Wedding Industry Awards. How very chuffin’ awesome!

At the start of November I was really thrilled to have even been shortlisted out of the many entrants in the region. The final list featured some well-respected, long established businesses so I imagined actually winning the category was out of the question. Don’t you just love surprises!

A large part of the decision was the votes and the comments made by the voters and I had some beauties, as I sat there reading the lovely things that my Brides and Grooms had said and it made me all weepy, in a good way of course!

So thank you to my customers for all your kind words, thank you for the votes and thank you for choosing us to take care of getting you there on your big day.

I’ve finally managed to break away and get down to the unit to tell my girls the good news. We’re now ‘The Award Winning – Lady Penelope Cars’.

For any of you out there considering children, can I suggest classic cars as a brilliant and sensible alternative

I love my chauffeur suit I really do. It’s the perfect shade of grey, it’s just the right cut, the right style and it took me a long time to find.  When I bought it, I made sure it was roomy enough for comfort. I have to do a lot of crouching and bending you know and general jiving about.

Unfortunately over the last year I’ve taken up the slack and the buttons on my jacket are entering Bob Fossil territory and I’m finding it hard to breathe.

Any day now I might bend over to tend to a brides dress and split my trousers from seam to seam. I’m good with a needle and thread but I don’t think the wedding party would be too impressed with me sitting there stitching my keks back together.

Imagine the review… ‘Great service, shame we all got mooned’

I’m doing my best to stave it off and although my will power is pretty good when I do a diet, after a 3 hour wedding,  I’m sometimes faced with leftover chocolates, pick and mix, cupcakes or whatever treats the bride and groom asked for. So here’s an appeal to my newlyweds…Make sure that you finish off the chocolates, the champagne, the liquorice allsorts or the parma violets, especially the parma violets. Please…Don’t Feed the Chauffeur.

‘How much do you charge?’

When I told her £249, she made a noise like chicken being strangled.  I gathered that my services would not be required.

‘Wedding cars are a waste of money’ She exclaimed.

For a moment I wanted to justify my prices but then I reconsidered. If the bride to be was anything like her sister then that kind of custom I could do without. Besides, there are much more affordable ways to travel.

Cashiers sister here’s some suggestions for you…

Why not get your Dad to drive you. While he’s finding a space to park because all the guests have taken them, you can stand there looking pretty until he’s good and ready to give you away.

Why not take public transport? What could be more romantic than standing at the bus stop and then hopping on to the 680. It stops right outside the registry office too and there’s plenty of space for your dress.  Just ignore the spotty teenagers brawling on the back seat and the crazy woman who wants to tell you her life story; it’s all part of the fun.

Taxis are another great option, they’re always thoughtfully driven by courteous drivers and always punctual, I have never known a taxi to be late or not arrive, well maybe once or twice but it’s okay because they can always send another if the one you booked doesn’t show.  Don’t you just love that fresh smell of chicken tikka and aftershave with a little bit of sick.

It’s true; Wedding Cars are a waste of money, along with diamond bracelets, 5 star hotels, vintage wine, romantic meals for two and the terrific wedding dress that you’ll only wear once.

Here’s to wasting money!

Pearl and I were positioned around the corner ready to sweep in and pick up the newlyweds and to whisk them away to their reception in Hebden Bridge.

I don’t know who was more excited, me or the Bride and Groom!

I knew the bridesmaids were going to be wearing hot pink and the bride was wearing silver so I made up an outfit for Pearl to combine both and it worked a treat. The bouquet was so big that I could barely see down the bonnet so I attached it to her grille instead and it looked superb.

After making the arrangements with Katherine I suppose I’d come up with a mental picture of what the couple would be like. I knew that this was her Dad so I was expecting a ‘mature’ couple.   Perhaps a bride in a modest skirt suit less silver more steel grey, with a neat haircut stepping out on the arm of a low key groom. ..Boy was I wrong!

I did a double take? Where’s the mumsy bride? Is this the right wedding?

Everyone was crowding around a blonde bride in a stunning silver gown and a groom looking more Al Capone than Alf Roberts.

Seems like they weren’t the only ones getting a surprise!

Congratulations to Mandy and Chris on finally doing the deed and thanks to Katherine for making it all happen x

When I’m not Chauffeuring I’m what you may loosely describe as an ‘opinionated driver’.  Okay, so I’m a hot tempered jobsworth.  I might for example pull alongside people I see using their phones whilst driving and suggest other ideas as to what they could do with their phones. I may have occasionally pursued bad mannered drivers in order to explain the finer points of the Highway Code.  I have frequently gone nose to bumper with the car in front to stop a queue jumper pushing in, complete with Clint Eastwood style growling and Italian hand gestures. Queue jumping makes my blood boil.

So, do I break my own moral code to get my girl to Church on time? You bet I do! It’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it. I’ve got half a mile to go a full tank of gas, it’s sunny and I’m wearing shades. I’m thinking Jake and Elwood Blues. I’m sort of on a mission from God. I put the pedal to the metal and we split down to the lights past around 30 or 40 cars. Naughty girl!

As we cruise past the last few I need to find someone who will let me nose Pearl in front of them when the lights go green.  Before I say a word there’s a pinch faced woman who shoots me a look to say ‘I just got divorced, don’t expect an ounce of sympathy from me’ and she turns away and goes nose to bumper with the Corsa in front driven by a rat-boy who is slouched so badly he looks like he’s driving from the back seat.  He’s got a mean face and a giro to cash before the post office closes so I’m not even asking.

At the head of the line is a Gent in a Jag. This could go either way… I drop the window and in my sweetest  voice I apologise for being so bad and ask him if he would be a darling and let us hop in front.  He smiles, says ‘Of course!’ wishes the bride well and waves us on.

The wedding party are thoroughly impressed with my badness and the bride is smiling and happy because she knows she’s going to make it.  Which makes me feel that even though I broke the rules I did the right thing.  A bit like Dirty Harry