photo credit: quatar

I read Exploitative Rent A Norm For Newcomers in the Toronto Star the other day about how “EVIL LANDLORDS” take advantage of new immigrants with no job and no credit by making them pay 6 months or one year’s rent upfront before renting to them.

Personally I disagree with this practice of collecting so much rent from new immigrants simply because I rarely ever have to evict new immigrants. However; I also entirely understand the practice of collecting so much rent up front and the reasons for it.

Why Are Landlords Singled Out As Businesses?

Lets say that the same new immigrant goes to TD Canada Trust and applies for a mortgage. What would be the outcome? Well with no job and no credit the answer would be a resounding No! You must also consider that TD would have a secured loan. If our sample immigrants default on their payments the bank could resell the house to get their money back. Regardless the answer would still be no.

Now lets send out new immigrants to Canadian Tire to apply for a $500 credit card. Again the answer is no!

What about Toronto Hydro? They would want a large deposit from our new friends.

How do new immigrants build a credit history then? They get something called a secured credit card where they pay say $1000 and then they get a $1000 credit card. There is no risk for the lender.

All these denials are perfectly reasonable in the general public’s mind… of course why would you lend to someone with no job and no credit ?

Landlords Are An Unsecured Creditor

With the current laws in Ontario it is taking six months to evict someone in Toronto and sometimes even more. For a rent of $1000 the landlord would typically collect $2000 knowing the whole while that if the tenant doesn’t pay the next month it will take them a long time to evict them.  I currently have 2 tenants, who know how to work the system, who owe over $8000. That up front payment is the only one I am guaranteed to get.

What Landlords Look At To Decide Which Applicant Gets The Place

1. Sufficient Income – Stable Garnishable Employment, if you don’t pay the rent I’ll collect from your employer, it’ll take a while but I’ll get every red cent. Income must be enough to cover the rent and give you money for bills and groceries and reasonable expenses.
2. Savings – It’s always nice to see someone have more than $10 in their bank account when they’re applying. It shows they have the ability to pay the rent.
3. CreditScore – If you’ll steal from them you’ll steal from me too. Good scores indicate that our applicants don’t rip creditors off!
4. Landlord Reference - I don’t care. Landlords give the best references to the worst tenants because they are desperate to get rid of them.
5. Personal Impression – It matters. If you have a conversation in my office with your previous landlord telling him you’re moving because of the bedbugs and you don’t care if it’s short notice, your application will be denied.

That about covers it for every building I’ve ever worked at. If you have those six items covered you will get an apartment anywhere you like. If you do not have all these criteria fulfilled, you do not get the premium places.

Alternatives To Taking Large Deposits From Immigrants

The first and best solution to the problem would be to process evictions in a reasonable time frame like one month. This way as a landlord I know that I’ve already got a one month security deposit.  The rent is not paid at the beginning of the month by the end of that same month the tenant has to go be someone else’s problem.  This would totally remove all incentives for predatory tenants to steal and defraud landlords. Most of these deadbeat tenants default immediately!

Landlords would certainly take more chances on unknown quantity tenants like new immigrants, students, and Ontario Works Recipients if they knew they could quickly evict them for not paying their rent, and find a new tenant who would.

Landlords Are Not Charitable Organisations

Why is it our job to give these deadbeats a free life? Just because people are hungry doesn’t mean that they don’t get arrested from a grocery store when they shoplift. Not only is it not our job to provide for all and sundry. We really can’t. We have to pay our taxes and mortgages so that our good decent residents who pay their rent and help us pay our bills continue to have a place to live. Those good residents also enjoy having their apartments repaired when they break and the employees/contractors don’t show up if we don’t have the money to pay them. LANDLORDS ARE NOT BEING DICKS WHEN THEY REFUSE TO GIVE A FREE LIFE TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T PAY THEIR RENT, THEY CAN’T AFFORD TO DO THAT AND ALSO SERVICE THE NEEDS OF THE CLIENTS WHO PAY THEM AND DESERVE SERVICES. This is why we don’t take chances.

Another Alternative To Taking Large Deposits From Immigrants

If we took large deposits from immigrants it’s because the alternative to taking the money as a security is to say no to their application. Decent buildings don’t have to take just anyone, so immigrants can go live in substandard accommodation that is so desperate for tenants they’ll take anyone or they can also live on the street. What is better I ask you? There are tons of refugee slums close to where I live. Crime, cleanliness of the common areas, bedbugs and roaches are endemic. Refugees don’t have the 6 months necessary income in most cases to have a large deposit.

When the alternative is substandard housing or no housing, what is wrong with those who do have the available funds putting a large deposit down to secure the landlord’s interests? In any case it’s just not true that every landlord requires a large deposit. I’m perfectly happy to get a bank letter with significant savings to pay rent for a year in lieu of a 6 month deposit which I would also accept from a Canadian who for some reason had no credit or job.

Canadians With No Credit Or Job Get Refused

The article in the Star implies that we are discriminating against new immigrants. This is just not true. I also deny Canadians who have no job and no credit. See I’m an equal opportunity landlord and I want all my tenants regardless of colour, creed, religion, origin and number of fingers and toes to pay the rent. I know that’s just crazy. Crazy like a bank or grocery store or gas station. There is no such thing as a free lunch. 

What do you think? Do you think people with no credit and no job should get apartments when the landlord has no security at all?

photo credit: Alexandre Prévot

If you read the excellent FRPO report Justice Denied you would have seen on page 6 that about 5% of the tenants in Ontario will at some point get to the Landlord & Tenant Board and that about 2/3rds of those tenants will pay their rent arrears before getting evicted by the Sheriff. As a landlord that means it is probably a good idea to develop some skill at collecting money.

1. Ask, Ask and then Ask some more – I would say that most people do not feel comfortable just asking people for money. Get Over It. Learn how to knock on doors and ask “When is the rent going to get paid?” When is a very important word…if you simply ask “Do you have the money?” that is a yes or no question. When assumes that they will pay, maybe today, maybe next week but it gives more information and leads to dialogue. “What’s going on with the rent?” is another good open leading question. Did the person get laid off? Are they getting paid next week?
2. Part Payments -Many people who get in trouble with the rent do not have the full rent but they may have a couple hundred or more to put towards what they owe. TAKE IT! First of all if they do default completely you’re at least a couple hundred ahead. You’re also helping them to not get so far behind that they cannot ever catch up. It’s a rare tenant that can pay 3 months rent in one fell swoop. Ask “I know you’re short but can you make a payment?”
3. Follow Up – So next Friday is payday but… no check is forthcoming. Time to knock again. “Hey last week you said you would give me some money and I didn’t get anything”
4. Going All Legal On Their Ass – Yeah while you’re trying to collect you’ve already given them an N-4.
5. Nursing Tenants Along – There’s lots of good tenants out there that are not really rich and they do get behind. Not everyone can be a financial genius like you and I. Some people do have unexpected and urgent problems that “Gasp!” may even be more important that the rent. For example some people rely on their car for work. No car, no pay. Or expensive medicine. I have one tenant with cancer who has to pay for her drugs. She is on a payment plan as we speak. She’s doing really well now with her cancer and her payment plan.

Today I’m Celebrating!

There’s this one tenant in one of the buildings that I manage that has been late since June. Every month she pays in dribs and drabs and every month $300-$400 is carried forward from the previous month. It’s not enough to file the eviction papers but every single month she’s getting an N-4. Except this month. This month as of today her entire rent is paid in full! Why would a hard assed property manager like me be happy that someone has paid their January rent by January 29th?

Truth is no one who has ever done evictions likes evictions. Liking evictions is a sign of being a psychopath. It’s just one of those things that has to be done to keep your place financially healthy. So I am just really happy for her because she’s trying and we’re getting somewhere. I care and she cares that her rent gets paid on time. One day she’ll pay her rent in full and on time and I’ll crack open a bottle of wine.

People Should Want To Pay You

It may sound weird but people like to pay me. I’m not sure why. My belief is that I do give people a fair shake and maybe because I’ve been really broke and down and out at certain times in my life, I don’t judge people. You’re poor now? You lost your job? You’ll get back on your feet. Do you need to fax something? I empathize with people and when they do get their money, they come to see me and sometimes even wait for me specifically so they can give me their payment.

Did You Know I’m An Angel?

One of the ladies I have on a payment plan calls me an angel. She even got me three angels for Christmas. It’s so bizarre. I have no idea if she’ll ever finish paying off her arrears. One day I’ll probably even have to evict her. That will be nice for me. <sarcasm.

It’s Harder To Be Human But It Makes You A Better Collector

If you can genuinely care about your tenants and work with them, you will collect more money over time; however, sometimes it will hurt when a payment plan fails or people screw you around. You can’t simultaneously care and then turn it off. Acceptance helps. You have to count the successes but it sure is hard when those cases comes around that really get you.

Jeff Shabes Tell Me…

To do my N-4′s on the 5th so I can file on the 20th of every month. If the tenant defaults and goes all the way to eviction that would save me about 12-13 days of rent “lost” This is actually the “proper” way to do things.

I Wait A Little More…

I file the N-4 just after the first of the next month. This month for instance I have no applications at all for Jeff. Not to worry we still have a bunch of non payers that we’ll be going to the Landlord & Tenant Board with but…no new ones. I save quite a few bucks on legal fees for tenants who would eventually pay all. Here’s another fact I’ve noticed too…once tenants get their Notice Of Hearing from the Landlord & Tenant Board any payments you’ve been getting come to a total halt. With the amount of time it takes to get to a hearing (couple months) I don’t file for a couple hundred bucks if they’ve been paying.

The Difference Between Deadbeats and Tenants Having A Hard TIme

 Deadbeat Characteristics

• Rude
• Party a lot
• Cause problems with other residents
• Have no respect ei. throw garbage off the balcony
• Just moved in never paid rent
• Don’t care, don’t even come to the office or call you when late with rent.
• Will even tell you to go to the Landlord & Tenant Board or Call the Sheriff
• Expect dirt & damages
• Try to emotionally manipulate you

Hard Time Tenants Characteristics

• Apologetic
• Have no outrageous social problems
• Have a tenant history with you
• Will make small payments as they can
• Won’t generally cause problems with other residents
• Will seek you out and discuss exactly what is going on and prove it…
• Will often move if they can no longer make the rent payments.
• Generally will pay you every single red cent they owe you.
• Just tell you the facts

Who else has collection tips? Disagree with me or agree? Chime in below!

photo credit: me and the sysop

I got a reader question yesterday…

Dear Rachelle,

We bought our first rental property in September 2010.  The person from whom we bought the property was a car salesman and told us that he would be happy to run the names of our prospective tenants through the credit bureau.  That worked well however none of the people that had their credit run were the people to whom we rented.  Being “newbies” at the landlord game, we trusted our instincts and went with the “nice young couple with a baby” tenants.  We’ve been very lucky with them, so far they have been our only tenants – going on 17 months now with only minor issues.  My question is, when and if they vacate how does an ordinary citizen/landlord go about getting someone else’s credit rating?  We live in Ottawa.
I thoroughly enjoy reading your column, you have the same attitude towards things that I do and I’ve learned a lot too.

Thank you,

M.W.

Dear M.W.

I wrote a post about this a while back, How To Read A Credit Report at that time I was still using Transunion myself. I now do all my credit checks through Tenant Verification. Setting up was easy and I did have a problem and called them and it was all completely rectified within a few hours. I would suggest setting up your account before because you need to send them documents but really it’s not that big of a deal to set it up the same day you need it. It cost $23 to get a credit check done which is pretty good. So go read that post and it will tell you pretty much everything you need to know, including what you need to sign up and so on.

Also…on the right under my picture is a direct link to their service. Full disclosure – these are affiliate links which means that I make $3 every time you get a credit check. $3 is not why I recommend them, I like them because they don’t charge an annual membership fee plus the credit check. If you have one or two apartments to rent I don’t understand why anyone would pay $50 to belong to something but that’s just me. I’m not a joiner.

Before I switched to them, I was paying $240 per year to Transunion in a “membership fee” and paying practically the same price for credit checks . A while back I discovered that Transunion would not accept Landlord & Tenant Board Orders to put them on Tenant’s credit and that totally disgusted me. They collect millions in fees from landlords every year but have no intention of protecting them. But if some idiot pays his Rogers bill 3 days late it shows up on their credit report. When I use TVS I pick the Equifax Report every time, Transunion will never get a cent of my money again.

Thanks for reading and enjoying it, sometimes I have no idea why people do. Sometimes I feel like I’m always ranting. But Sheesh landlords are getting a raw deal in so many different directions.

Have a Great Weekend Everybody!

photo credit: 401K

A tenant emailed me a while back asking why landlords rely so much on credit scores and how it just wasn’t fair, because he was basically a cash only guy but he paid his bills in full and on time.He didn’t have bad credit he had no credit. So he was better off than I was 10 years ago when my husband left me one day, took the furniture and moved in with his new girlfriend. While it was a good thing looking back, at the time I was heartbroken and hid under the bed for 6 months and when the phone got cut off it was a real relief because at least bill collectors would stop calling me. It was a pretty dark time. Needless to say by the time I glued Humpty Dumpty back together again my credit was destroyed.

Shit Happens

Situations occur that will completely ruin your credit. At one point you’ll want to establish or reestablish your credit. I am very conservative about how much debt I carry. Unfortunately whenever you want something such as a renting an apartment, mortgage, overdraft or a even cell phone you need credit.

1 – You Have To Play The Game

Games are all about the score and so is your credit. Certain things you do can lower your score, or take away points and other things you do can increase your points. One thing is for sure, if all you do is sit on the sidelines, you’ll never get one single point. For a long time this was me, I didn’t have a credit card and I did not care to have one. Here’s how to play…

2 – Pay Bills On Time

Cell Phone companies are notorious for slapping your unpaid bills on your credit report. Ditto Cable or other utilities. So make sure those bills get paid pronto. Paying the bills on time doesn’t really increase your score just keeps it from getting lower.

3 – Getting A Card

This is the first card I got in my wallet…People’s Trust Secured Mastercard I sent them $1000 and they sent me a card with a $1000 limit. They also charge me extra every month and $50 something bucks a year. Don’t make the same mistake I did and get a Money Mart prepaid card or one of those Vanilla Mastercards. They don’t report to the credit bureau.

4 – Using Half

Use only half the limit you are allowed to use. If your limit is $1000 use $500. This is because other credit lenders look at your credit utilization percentage. If it’s 100% it looks like you’re a credit hog and about to go bankrupt. Even if your limit is $500 it looks bad on you if you use your entire credit limit. So to recap… 50% of your credit card good points – 100% bad points.

5 – How To Never Miss A Payment

In my business, I often get large lump sum payments. So my instinct is to say…I’ll wait a few days then pay it off. Then If that large payment is late it’s a problem because I missed a payment. What I do now is…as soon as the bill comes in before the due date, I’ll take that bill and pay the minimum payment immediately. When the lump sum comes in I pay it off. Missing a payment = mucho bad points.

6 – Paying It Off

There are no rules that say that you cannot put all your pay on there and then use the credit card to pay bills if you have to. The point is that the balance went to $0 Paying your credit card bill off in full = Lots of good points.

7 – Using Other People’s Credit

Let’s say you’re a student and you want good credit but don’t really want a credit card. If your parents have a credit card, they can put you on theirs. When you get the card, shred it or leave it with your parents. Now every time they pay their bill you get points. Don’t do this if your parents don’t pay their bills on time.

8 – Wait

This may be difficult for some people, but you can’t apply for 87 credit cards the same day. It makes you look like a crackhead looking for a fix. Every credit inquiry is reported so wait about 6 months or a year, make your payments and chill. Too Many Inquiries = Bad Points. 

9 – Apply For Another Credit Card

If you wanted to get another card faster you could get another secured card pretty much right away. Otherwise wait until your credit builds up and you’ll find people offering you cards. The other day I walked into my bank and they offered me a credit card. A Few More Cards = More Points Every card gives you some points as long as you follow the rules of the game.

10 – Use It Wisely

It’s easy to get out of control when you have lots of credit. Credit Cards are not Santa Claus you have to pay it back. If you don’t use it wisely, then interest rates go up and up. So sometimes less is more. Honestly I have no idea what I’ll buy with the credit cards I have now when I can just use my debit card. I’ll have to make an effort to buy gas or something. Seriously.

If you already have good credit following these tips can get you better rates and if you have none or bad credit you can work on your credit to improve it. Anyone else ever get themselves in hot water with their credit?

photo credit:

Seriously people, like I don’t have enough problems in my life right now. Some idiot reader of my site decided to sign me up for PETA’s email newsletter and report my post Mice, Rats & Vermin In Buildings Oh My! to them. Curiously I cannot unsubscribe to the PETA emails because I don’t have the password…

Helpful Tips From PETA for Landords

Ms. Berube,

Respectfully, did you receive my email (below)?

Sincerely,

Jodi Minion, PETA

Dear Jodi,

Yes I did receive your email, however; I was hoping you would go away.  Unfortunately you have not.

Rachelle

Dear Ms. Berube,

We hope that this letter finds you well. PETA is an international animal rights organization with more than 3 million members and supporters globally, tens of thousands of whom proudly reside in Canada. Our office has been contacted by visitors of your website regarding your blog titled “Mice & Rats & Vermin [i]n Buildings – Oh My!,” which recommends that property owners deal with unwanted wildlife by killing them (or by “kill[ing] yourself” in the case of raccoons). We hope to offer your readers suggestions about how to effectively deal with unwanted wildlife in order to prevent frustration as well as animal suffering.

 (Sigh) I don’t have any raccoons around… can I still kill myself? Everyone in the developed world knows who PETA is after watching Pamela Anderson run around bare chested covered in fake blood at the Oscars last year or whatever.

Removing/killing wildlife never works in the long run, as you’ve no doubt noticed, and will actually backfire. When animals are removed from an area, a spike in the food supply results which causes survivors and newcomers to breed at an accelerated rate. Populations increase, and residents will wind up with even more unwanted animals than they had before. To keep raccoons, squirrels, rats and other animals away, property owners should be advised to trim branches away from structures and power lines, to seal garbage tightly (ask landlords/tenants to use bungee cords on lids or lock Dumpsters), and to never leave pet food outside or deliberately feed wildlife. Applying pepper-based repellent sprays (available at garden centers) to branches, and installing motion-triggered lights also keeps animals away. Trunks/poles can be wrapped with aluminum or plastic sheeting to prevent climbing. Wildlife can be evicted by placing ammonia-soaked rags in attics, sheds, and dens. Once the animals are gone (this usually happens quickly, but it can take mothers a few days to move babies), all entry points should be sealed.

Dear Minion,

There are too many people in Toronto that create garbage and almost unlimited eating, nesting and breeding opportunities for wildlife while simultaneously completely eradicating large predators because they might devour my neighbour’s 5 lb chihuahua and infants. Thank God for cars or we’d be three feet deep in racoons in this city.

We have rather stringent tenant protection laws in this lovely province of ours so, as landlords, we are best off to hire a competent wildlife control expert rather than climb up in our tenant’s attics with ammonia soaked rags only to confront an angry raccoon mama protecting her baby while perched on the top of a 20 foot ladder. Also I’m pretty sure that our tenants would not enjoy the smell and stinging eyes caused by the ammonia in their attic. Fortunately I’ve heard it’s rarely fatal to tenant’s children except of course the asthmatics, but we all know what Darwin would say about that. Right?

I also have strict rules about the proper use of pepper spray, it works really well on loitering tenants who smoke weed in my stairwells and is absolutely delicious on Spaghetti (You learn something new every day) but the first rain washes that crap off branches rendering it useless.

No one but an idiot tenant would feed wildlife, one of which I knew knew fed the area racoons cat food while her landlord who lived upstairs had to have wildlife removal technicians at his house every other day.

Boy, I’ll tell you those racoons are not potty trained, as the landlord discovered when his bedroom ceiling collapsed and 37 baby racoons and about a cubic meter of raccoon shit fell directly on his Ralph Lauren 600 thread count designer sheets.

The babies were sooo cute and she fed them right out of her hand. Where is a rabies epidemic when you really need one?

If wildlife removal is insisted upon, then animals can be live-trapped and immediately transported to an animal shelter for humane euthanasia (via lethal injection, inhalant anesthetics, or CO2 gas). Relocating wildlife beyond their natural territory (a one mile radius for raccoons/squirrels) is inhumane as relocated animals have trouble finding adequate food, water, and shelter; and they are commonly badly mauled in territorial attacks, or succumb to foreign diseases and parasites to which they lack natural immunity.

Minion,

What is the difference between “kill them” and humane euthanasia? Doesn’t the animal end up dead? Personally I’d prefer a quick shovel blow to the head rather than a nasty cage. Animals have pooped in there and there are germs. If there was Purell in the cage it would be better. Does PETA put Purell in their animal cages?

In Canada we are a much more advanced civilization than the United States from whence you hail. Killing wildlife is illegal here period. It doesn’t matter how nicely you do it or even if you give the raccoon a kiss and a steak and lobster supper before, something legal and bad will happen to you. Don’t tell anyone we are more culturally advanced than you, we’re so enlightened that your huge egos and continual propaganda about how the USA is the best country on the planet doesn’t bother us.

FYI this is just my opinion as a human and not a raccoon but I’d rather be alive and scrounging for food in the City of Toronto than dead no matter what the method used. There is probably a great meal to be had in the local Tim Horton’s trash bin and water in a puddle. Clearly, unless the raccoon is retarded, if it’s within city limits a puddle and a Tim Horton’s can be found within a one block radius.  This is another reason why Canada is a much more advanced civilization than the USA. Tim Hortons. I mean those bathrooms are squeaky CLEAN!!!

If lethal control of mice/rats is insisted upon, glue traps should be avoided at all cost due to their extreme toxicity. In fact, The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and Health Canada both caution against the use of glue traps due to disease risks. Glue traps are also extremely cruel. Panicked, ensnared animals struggle mightily, tearing flesh, breaking bones, becoming more entangled in the adhesive, only to die exhausted, frightened, injured, from shock, dehydration, asphyxiation, or blood loss. Research shows that death can take days. And the screaming of ensnared rodents is extremely upsetting people who are then stymied as to how to “dispose” of these living creatures. Glue traps are also cost prohibitive because they aren’t reusable, and because they must be changed bi-weekly as the glue becomes inert. Poisons are extremely toxic/cruel too, and should never be used.

I used a glue trap on a tenant who was avoiding me, I bought a whole case of crazy glue and put in front of her doors. When I went back the next day to check if my ingenious trap had worked…she was indeed crazy and I found that that she was screaming and much louder than a mouse. I did help her out by carefully stepping over the Crazy Glue trap and going to get her purse so she could write me a check for rent arrears. I too was stymied on how to “dispose” of her but then I told her to take her shoes off and she was OK. Dodged a bullet there.

Also I have a question about the disease risks of glue traps. Is it more likely to make you sick to stick a rodent on a glue trap and then throw it down the garbage to the compactor where it dies a ghastly crushing death far enough away to muffle the screams or is it more likely to have a rodent make you sick by pissing and shitting all over your counters, gnawing your kids cereals boxes and eating all the Chocolate Cheerios? How many double blind human trials on the disease risks of ingesting mouse defecation vs the risk of picking up a sticky piece of paper with a small helpless mouse stuck to it has PETA paid for?

In any case the chances of you getting sick via mouse vectors is extremely improbable after all wheat and subsequently flour has generous allowances for allowable amount of rodent feces. Normal people understand the necessity to rid their homes of pests and vermin anyways.

I agree that poisons are toxic. It sure is nice to finally agree on an issue. I’m very agreeable or at least that what’s my grade school teacher Mrs. Armstrong said after I finished my one hour presentation on the parts of the flower.

As for the mice, they are indeed quite cute, and even delicious according to Farley Mowat.

The safest lethal options available for mice/rats are the D-Con Ultra Set Covered Mouse/Rat Trap and the Victor Electronic Trap. These are readily available, cost-effective (reusable), clean/touch-free, discreet, safe to use around food and children/tenants, and they ensure a quick death. Even ordinary snap traps are far preferable to glue traps or poisons.

Minion, while I respect that you must have an affiliate link to the $50 mouse trap, you are bat shit crazy if you think I’m going to buy a $50 mouse trap. Seriously after paying property taxes, mortgage and maintenance I usually have to put the $1.99 mouse traps on my credit card. Occasionally I have to shop lift them, if I have a tenant that isn’t paying rent. Just saying.

We hope that these tips are useful and you’ll be willing to offer this information to your readers. Please let us know if we can be of further help.

Jodi, thank you very much for your kind offer of help, I currently have one unit infested with bedbugs and the tenants that live there are highly questionable life forms. They have serious problems with complying with regular treatment protocols such as washing their laundry and cleaning up their unit. They are also being very cruel to the bed bugs. They are not careful when they sleep and crush the poor helpless souls mercilessly. I have seen with my own eyes the carnage of bed bug entrails and their little tiny helpless feet on these beast’s mattress. It’s just awful.

I have tried to get someone to rehome the bedbugs but no one is willing to save them. I figure if you could find a lady to save chickens and let them shit all over her house as they run around freely like in that TV show I saw once, you would be able to find these cute, little, cuddly bugs a wonderful new home. You might even like to give them free reign of your head office. Bugs after all are animals too and you wouldn’t want to poison them. I heard poisons are toxic. I’m sure many landlords would agree to ship the bedbugs you in humane shipping containers, such as a shoe box filled with those tasty styrofoam pellets.

Also the tenants, I am not sure but I suspect that some of the tenants in my building are not human, they may be a form of the elusive sasquatch aka Big Foot come to live among us. My reason for this line of reasoning is that they have curious nocturnal habits, when the other tenants are sleeping they are drinking and hooting and hollering a lot, during the day they sleep while other people work. They are hairy although this is hard to ascertain due to advances in razor technology such as the new 200 blade razor for $187 manufactured curiously by the same people who make those $50 mousetraps. There are variations in the species but…the one common characteristic they all share is a complete inability to pay their rent. Because of your impressive credentials as a Wildlife Biologist for PETA I was thinking I could ship you a few of those and you can dissect them and tell me if my suspicions are correct. I must insist that if you do discover that they are indeed a “sasquatch or Bigfoot species” that I have perceived due to my keen eye and scientific methodology, you must name it deadbeatimus sasquatchus.

Best regards,

Cheers to you too!

Jodi Minion, Wildlife Biologist

Emergency Response Team

Cruelty Investigations Department

Rachelle Berube, Property Manager

Chief Cook and Bottle Washer @landlordrescue

Peta Antagonizer, Common Sense Empress, Queen of Rock & Roll

Favourite Saying “Take me off your damn email list, I’ll eat baby seals for breakfast and I won’t stop till you take me off,  Thank you!”