As well, I seem to spend most of my time either on Twitter, or of course writing for CNET. So there’s been little time spent blogging here.

There are a few things to say. Firstly, I’m going to overhaul the About page, because it’s so old it looks more dated than my great Grandmother, and she’s been dead for quite a number of years. Secondly, I’m going to begin publishing my new series of music guides. The titles are undecided, but they focus on explaining genres of metal. The first one will concern melodic death metal. If these are popular, I may extend the idea to other obscure genres. Thirdly, you’ll see more amusing press releases. Apparently these got read a LOT.

And finally, I’ll be updating the design to reflect the above.For now, I’m axing old content from the homepage. It’ll return when the site is relaunched next month.

And now. bed.

If you enjoyed my graph, it might be best you follow me on Twitter: @natelanxon

Dear Nate,

I heard your conversation the other day with a man in the street, just opposite Waterloo station, and I quote you: “Most cyclists in London are degenerate, law-breaking jackasses, with no respect for the law or their fellow man.” I appreciate that you highlighted how most cyclists are perfectly nice people when off their bikes, but like a nice man can become a wife-beater when on the booze, mounting a bike causes a shift in our brains that makes us retarded.

So let me highlight a few things. Firstly, most cyclists in London think it is perfectly acceptable to run red lights, and this is our right as cyclists. Laws are only there for cars and motorbikes; cyclists are bound by a different set of road laws. In fact, it’s common cyclist policy to accept that road laws do not apply to us. If we want to ride up a pavement between busy commuters, skip red lights and ride along the pavement in order to avoid 30 seconds of waiting, it’s fine.

Think back. Have you ever seen a cyclist be arrested for skipping a red light? No. Because we exist above this law. It is beneath us.

You mentioned that many cyclists find some sort of perverse pleasure in riding right up to the point a group of commuters are crossing while the little green man is illuminated, wobbling from side to side as we wait for a quick gap to shift through, and take advantage of the lack of traffic at the crossroads. Again, this is a bonus of being a cyclist. We are greener and more conservationally-focused than car users, and this is a certain privilige granted unto us by the blind eye of the law.

While I appreciate your acceptance that every cyclist you’ve met seem to be respectable, perfectly pleasant people, I find it unavoidable to point out your ignorance concerning the world of cyclists and our happiness to believe we exist above the long arm of the law.

We are not, as you so delicately put it, “a group of fundamental law breakers that deserve to be hit by trucks when running red lights,” but rather a group of enlightened, planet-focused individuals with the good grace to at least yell at you in the street for not realising, as we run red lights, that this is perfectly acceptable.

Please consider this next time you walk from CNET to the station, and perhaps in return I’ll read the book of the law that applies to all other road users.

Best, and my most humble regards,

Most London Cyclists

Case in point: a couple of months I received an email from a company called OtterBox. They’re an American firm I believe, manufacturing cases for iPods, mobile phones and portable devices. Normally I would have hit delete fairly quickly as it’s not relavent to our UK readership, and I have so many requests to write about cases it’s untrue.

But I didn’t. Their company name was cute — OtterBox — it’s awesome. And their logo was a little otter swimming upside down in a lake. It made me grin, because I love animals and I love otters.

So what did I do, after not deleting her email? I replied, saying we probably can’t ever write about products that aren’t directly available in the UK, but to keep me on their list for future products. I may have mentioned I liked their company name, too, and they may have mentioned they thought it was cute as well.

Today I got a release for a product by a company called eStarling. Again, it’s kind of a bird, and that’s kind of cute. What didn’t I do? Hit delete. I read most of it. I can’t cover it, but the cuteness of the name got my attention for a full 30 seconds.

So in future, consider product names like iKitten, eGuinea Pig or the ever-amusing Fluffy Soggy Moggy Wet Cat Exteme Photo Frame, and chances are I’ll either write about it, or at least blog about why I didn’t.

Go ahead, check out http://www.otterbox.com/ and eStarling.

But when I try to look at you, you scurry away.

Are you shy, squiggly line?

Why only when I ignore you, do you return to the center of my eye?

Oh, squiggly line, it’s alright, you are forgiven.

In 2006 and 2007 the playlists closed with around 140 songs ish. This year it’ll be double that (I bought a lot more music this year).

But today was a great day. Because on the day my Mac came, I realised I’d reached the 255th song in ‘Good Songs 2008′. For those of you not quite as dominated by nerd blood as me, 255 is the largest value you can represent with an eight-digit binary number.

The song happens to be a track of Funeral For A Friend’s new album, and it’s called ‘Constant Illuminations’. It’s not very geeky.

UNTIL NOW!

That’s a line from a review of Fable II I recently wrote on CNET. You’d be wise to read it, and you can do so here.

But I want to add something. It struck me recently that almost every woman in the in-game world of Albion is happy to ditch their husbands simply on account of your whistling skills, or your ability to off your trophies-cum-severed heads of criminals.

The game has many realistic elements. Having a dog dig up condoms? Fine, it happens in Croydon. Impressing chicks by playing songs on a Lute? Cool, it happens in Westminster.

But having a women suggest divorce from her husband so she could remarry, after just 5 minutes of watching a stranger whistle? Only in cocking Albion!

It’s a beautiful game, and I love it. It’s so damn quirky it makes me laugh out loud. Tonight I’m going to steal 10 wives and convince them to raise my children from a gypsy trailer. Yup, that’s all fair game in Fable II.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about potential Grand Unified Theories of the Universe, and separately about language. It struck me on a bus just now that perhaps one of the limitations we experience in understanding how the Universe fundamentally operates, is caused by our own languages.

The following scenario came into my head that lead to this thought. Let’s say an English speaker heads to Japan and wants to tell a Japanese speaker, for whatever reason, that he is happy. Saying “I am happy,” means nothing to a Japanese speaker, just as saying “Shiawase da naa,” would mean nothing to our English speaker.

So instead, he simply smiles widely. The emotion is conveyed and, more importantly, it’s understood. And without uing the languages we’ve developed for ourselves.

It occurred to me after thinking this, that part of the problems we have with understanding things so alien to human understanding, stems from the fact that we try and quantify and talk of them using language and terminology we’ve developed ourselves.

I think of the word ‘infinity’. To me, infinity isn’t a thing; it’s not a tangible object. Rather, it’s a word we’ve slapped on something that doesn’t exist, so we have a way of talking about it as if it did. Now I don’t believe in physical infinities. I don’t like to think the singularities at the centres of black holes have an infinitely huge gravitational pull. I’m not suggesting the gravitaional pulls are not there — obviously — or that they don’t function exactly as they appear to function, but that we’ve slapped a word around them that’s blurring our understanding.

There are so many potential explanations for how black holes work, but I wonder if one of the things we’re causing problems for ourselves by using, is terminology and language. ‘Inifinity’, ‘dimensions’, ‘wave-particle duality’… all terms we’ve wrapped around ideas or observations. What if our understanding of these words and the concepts and scenarios they represent, are standing in the way of us better understanding the actual, non-tangible, ‘things’ themselves?

I’m not saying I think I belive this at all, of course. Just that it was a thought. What do you think?

‘No’ aims to become the de facto standard in answering in the negative, and hopes to triumph where others have failed. The leading competitor in the Negative Speech space saw only mediocre success with the word ‘maybe’, leading Words, Inc. to reinvent the wheel with an all-new, definitive way to decline or refuse.

“We got great feedback from our customers after releasing ‘yes’,” says Words, Inc. CEO Jeremy Maxwell-Davies. “It fast became one of the most popular and adopted words in the Western world, and is a family favourite in the Positive Speech sector. But we heard it was often inconvenient to answer in the affirmative, so our team went back to basics to devise what we think is going to be the simplest, most efficient way of declining offers or negating falsities in spoken English.”

‘No’ will be released as part of the company’s Duality program, instantly making it compatible with previous products from Words, Inc. Such classics as ‘thank you’ can have their uses doubled when used in conjunction with ‘no’. For example, “no, thank you”.

Leading industry critics have already hailed ‘no’ as revolutionary. “I previously used Words, Inc’s ‘yes’ product to answer a question about whether I had slept with my partner’s sister. It led a couple of rocky weeks in our house,” laughs a New York Times writer. “Had I been able to use ‘no’, perhaps my wife would never have left me — this is truly a ground-breaking innovation from Words, Inc.”

‘No’ will be officially hailed an official word by The Queen later this month, when she will use the word as part of a sentence about whether she believes Katy Perry should release another album.

Further information, contact details and interview opportunities can be made available upon request.

- ENDS -

Oh, and yes, she is real. Just very well Photoshopped.

Flickr link.

I had to make this.

Here’s why.

Despite the vast recession the US and UK is fast plummeting into, Yahoo, whose stock this week hit a five-year low of little over $12 per share, is rumoured to be looking not to shed unprofitable little companies from its portfolio, but acquire a massive one riddled with as many issues as itself: AOL.

“Two dysfunctional individuals getting married doesn’t make for a great marriage,” Jason Calacanis told us of the mooted Yahoo/AOL merger, during his visit to CNET UK last week. “If I was on the Yahoo board of directors I would vote against it; I would resign if they did it, to be honest.”

Full story here.

With improved agility and more flexible limbs, the A100 Midget can aid the middle class home owner in more ways than ever before. With improved balance and hand-eye coordination, the A100 Midget can attempt even higher climbs up walls and ladders, previously avoided by today’s housewife or company executive.

Fewer risks will have to be taken in the home thanks to advancements made in the A100 Midget’s sense of self-importance. In previous models, Tiny Hands Midgets have questioned particularly risky tasks or life-threatening situations. Now, with the A100 Midget, even obscenely dangerous tasks will be undertaken with a courteous grin and a child-like giggle.

The A100 Midget will be available in a range of colours and ethnicities, and with its own range of accessories, including two changes of clothing, a full leather gimp outfit (zippable head mask sold separately), handcuffs for when not in use, and a choice of whips.

Tony Anderson, Senior Product Manager of Tiny Hands Ltd., hailed the launch as a triumph: “With the A100 Midget, everything from hoovering and sink unclogging, to household rewiring and excessive heavy lifting, will be taken care of without complaint. And unlike with previous models, the A100 Midget doesn’t know its own limit and, therefore, will not refuse a task it thinks is too risky — the perfect combination of obedience and usefulness!”

In addition to improved abilities, the A100 Midget is also capable of entirely unbelievable tolerance to inhumane living conditions. Now content with sleeping entirely in filth, the A100 Midget will happily resort to drinking its own tears if deprived of water and nourishment long enough, making long trips away from home even less of a hassle.

However, Tiny Hands Ltd. appreciates the huge popularity of the previous A10 Midget, and will offer a 50 percent discount on the euthanasia of old models if purchased at the same time as an A100 Midget, to be known as the You Buy, They Die customer loyalty scheme.

“We feel this attractive offer will appeal to existing customers, and we’re delighted to be offering our You Buy, They Die exclusively with the Daily Mail. Our customers have told us the most challenging part of midget ownership is having them executed when they become too old to be useful. Well we listened, and feel this offer highlights our commitment to enjoyable midget ownership,” commented Tony Anderson.

Further details, including pricing and availability, are available upon request. The official launch party for the A100 Midget will be held at a prestigious location on London’s Park Lane, where fifty A100 Midgets will perform hilarious life-threatening tasks to journalists and industry commentators.

Sample midgets are available for review upon request.

- ENDS -

About Tiny Hands Ltd.

Founded in 2001, Tiny Hands Ltd. revolutionised the homes of millions across the globe with the introduction of the Tiny Tom Midget in 2002. The Tiny Tom became known for its lightening fast task completion and its tolerance to inhumane beatings. Tiny Hands Ltd. operates in 56 countries, providing industry-leading midgets to private homes, businesses and religious establishments.

Critics have complained that midgets are people and not to be ridiculed, to which Tiny Hands Ltd. responds, “You obviously haven’t seen how glamorous a press release can make a truly obnoxious idea. It may surprise you to know that no amount of spin and corporate hyperbole will lessen the truth that your product sucks and we’re never going to write about it, on pain of death.”

Except, if you listen to the Guitar Hero version, it sounds fine. What the hell!? Read my full rant at CNET UK.

It’s taken me three months to research and write this feature, and it’s by far the most epic thing I’ve ever written. It covers 50 of the most significant moments of Internet history, spanning five decades, and ten subject areas, detailing what they were, why they happened, why they were important and why you should know about them.

My personal favourites:

1987 - The GIF image release
1994 - Creation of SSL
1996 - Macromedia releases Macromedia Flash 1.0
2004 - Launch of Gmail
1989 - German patent acquired for MP3 codec
1999 - First files traded over Napster
1998 - Google’s initial funding
2007 - Viacom fingers self

Please have a read and see if you agree with any of the 50 I’ve covered. You can read it here.

Hey every​body,​ Alex from Canni​bal here check​ing in from Mana Studi​os in St. Peter​sburg​ Flori​da.​ Paul has finis​hed all the drums​ track​s for our new album​,​ and we think​ he did an amazi​ng job. Thing​s reall​y went smoot​hly with the drum track​ing this time,​ and that gave us a littl​e extra​ time for Paul to get creat​ive with some of the drum parts​.​ Every​thing​ is still​ fast and bruta​l as you’​d expec​t,​ but there​ are a few diffe​rent rhyth​mic ideas​ happe​ning that we think​ our fans will appre​ciate​.

The next step for us will be to start​ worki​ng on a guita​r sound​,​ and then begin​ guita​r track​ing.​ The sound​ of the rhyth​m guita​r is one of the most impor​tant thing​s on a metal​ album​,​ so we will take our time and make sure that we get the heavi​est sound​ possi​ble.​ The recor​ding of the rhyth​m guita​rs will be somet​hing we’​ll take our time with as well.​ Rob, Pat and produ​cer Erik Rutan​ are truly​ perfe​ction​ists when it comes​ to guita​r track​ing,​ they’​ll settl​e for nothi​ng less than a flawl​ess perfo​rmanc​e.​ That kind of dedic​ation​ can make for a chall​engin​g recor​ding sessi​on,​ but when the end resul​t is a crush​ingly​ heavy​ album​ it’s more than worth​ the time and effor​t.

Article here.

And it works.

You can subscribe here: http://feeds.feedburner.com/NateLanxonCNETUK

Maybe add a link on your blog as well? A thousand thank yous will be sent via first class mail.

Leave a comment below and let me know what you think.

Read my full article on CNET, here.

Daughter:
It was only a dream, mummy.

Mother:
He was there… His car was parked there in the same petrol station,
All dressed in green, dark green.
I couldn’t move my head, but I was watching him in the mirror.
Oh, it was horrible!
His face was sort of erased, but I knew he was looking at me.
Two invisible eyes, two invisible and monstrous eyes.

Daughter:
Please stop, you’re frightening me.

Mother:
I’m sorry, butterfly.
You shouldn’t listen to mummy.
Go back to sleep.

Daughter:
I’m not tired anymore.
I just want to get away from here.

Mother:
Mummy needs some sleep too.
We’ve got a long way to go tomorrow.
Go back to sleep angel, mummy’s gonna keep the devil away.
Now close your eyes, everything is fine, everything is light.
Mum loves you more than any mum in the world.
See you in the morning light where the birds sings with the sun.
I love you, sweetie.

As of today, 7digital is the first store in Europe to offer a completely DRM-free catalogue from all the major labels, including the entire MP3 catalogues of Metallica, Bob Dylan and Queen, and is planning on expanding its offerings into North America in the last quarter of this year.

In addition, Sony BMG has allowed all previous purchases of its DRMed catalogue to be re-downloaded free of charge.

Full story on CNET here.

My full article on CNET.