Larkin & Carroll

Episode 61 - And then you inject it into your face.

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 18 May 2011 17:46:35 PDT

Tom brings Adam Zopf back to discuss the 8 year old who's getting botox treatments from her mother, child abuse, the end of the world, the color of our universe if viewed from afar, and how our society consumes news stories.

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Episode 60 - Crisp

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Fri, 13 May 2011 12:57:37 PDT

Tom welcomes Bill Savage, who implies that Tom is a serial murderer. Then they discuss Arnold Schwarzenegger splitting from Maria Shriver, whether or not Henry Kissinger is still alive (turns out he is), Linda Hunt, Richard Grieco, Kindergarten Cop, Nicolas Cage's troubles, and Hugh Jackman's Real Steel.

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Episode 59 - When you're stomping on someone who is now just covering her head...

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Thu, 05 May 2011 16:10:59 PDT

Adam Zopf joins Tom again for a discussion of fast food restaurant brawls, Roger McDowell's troubles, the going rate for lost teeth, the Glee spoiler scandal, using Twitter to call out your enemies, and how to handle spoilers in the media.

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Episode 58 - The Tom Larkin Podcast

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Tue, 03 May 2011 15:36:38 PDT

In Tom's first podcast without Rowdy, he welcomes Adam Zopf to discuss the royal wedding and the purpose of the royal family (even though they're demonstrably unfamiliar with the structure of the British government) , Barack Obama producing his birth certificate, Donald Trump, and the upcoming presidential race.

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Episode 57 - Rowdy's final podcast.

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 12:48:33 PDT

Rowdy says goodbye to the podcast, and the guys discuss Tom having to play Farmville for work, the trend of using the word "they" to refer to an individual, a brothel-themed social game called Hookertown, how our society views sex and violence differently, Burning Man, reselling Mardi Gras hats, the power of free t-shirts, the Game of Thrones food truck, and Rowdy's contributions to Larkin & Carroll.

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Episode 56 - I kind of wanted to get Puerto Rico in the mix too...

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 14:24:58 PDT

Rowdy and Tom make a major announcement: This will be Rowdy's second to last podcast as a cohost. And Tom's vocals still sound terrible. Then they discuss Tom being denied health insurance, what the U.S. should do with the Moon, a website that Tom may or may not have made up in his head on which you can hunt live animals, lesbian tourism, calorie counting, and ghosts.

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Episode 55 - Safari can't handle a 13-year-old girl vomiting her brain onto a computer screen.

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 13:07:29 PDT

Tom and Rowdy discuss video game characters knowing that they're video game characters, Myspace as a time capsule, Mrs. Butterworth, Voicemail, Lightning Phones, and naming dogs with internet terminology.

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Episode 54 - Tom doesn't like music during basketball games.

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 17:47:53 PDT

Rowdy and Tom discuss their trip to Arizona for Major League Baseball's spring training, Pedi-cabs, the Scottish guy who wanted to trade shirts with Tom, Tempe Bars, and music during basketball games.

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Episode 53 - Maximum Mardi Gras

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 13:58:35 PDT

Rowdy and Tom talk about going to Babies R Us on the weekend, consumer education, Sing-A-Ma-Jigs, the NFL lockout and its implications for media, the common ground between fantasy sports and being a waiter, and the illusion that we can control our lives.

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Episode 52 - Did I spend the whole time talking about a #@$% Rug?!

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 16:17:30 PDT

Tom and Rowdy discuss Tom's rhombus apartment, Yurts, Wyoming, Oriental Rugs, Magic Carpets, and more.

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Episode 51 - The more money we get, the cooler the Robocop statue is.

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 14:35:06 PDT

Rowdy and Tom discuss the Robocop statue that Detroit (and the world) desperately needs, Planet of the Apes, and a social convention that Tom believes should be rethought.

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Episode 50 - I shaved for this occasion

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 08:25:21 PST

Tom and Rowdy celebrate their 50th episode by discussing hot new Twitter account @MysteryExec, Nerf guns, bang snaps, Jerry Weintraub's book, weird YouTube videos, and how the 60's, 70's, and 80's fit together.

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Episode 49 - You don't have a few drinks then turn gay and start hitting on underage targets

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 15:55:10 PST

Rob and Tom discuss public apologies, Trophy wife expectations, Rehab, Charlie Sheen, Athlete summer jobs, and more.

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Larkin and Carroll Video Podcast #4 - Charlie Sheen, The Oscars, and Kevin Smith

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 10:17:44 PST

Larkin and Carroll Video Podcast #3 - Fantasy Football, Armpit Urination, and DIppin' Dots

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 14:01:00 PST

Episode 48: I got fleas one time.

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 13:37:04 PST

Rob and Tom discuss old Tron, 2012, Tom's retirement from fantasy sports, Renaming neighborhoods, Jose Oquendo, the future according to Thomas Edison, deodorant vs anti-perspirant, Flea circuses, and more.

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Larkin and Carroll Video Podcast #2 - Twitter, Ashton Kutcher, and The New Radicals

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 12:57:35 PST

Episode 47 - You might as well update your Hitler reference

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 12:48:29 PST

Tom and Rob discuss Twitter and Twitlers, Quibids penny auctions, 5 Hour energy, Downtown L.A., Having a kid, The Soda Stream, Future implications of alien invasion, and celebrity heights.

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Larkin and Carroll Video Podcast #1 - Facebook, Converse, and LaserDiscs

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 09:13:29 PST

Episode 3.01 - Steve Carrell turned into a monster...

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 21:21:29 PST

Rob and Tom discuss Season 3, jobs they've had, Sneaking onto studio lots, "Black Swan" but not really, Inventions, Online Communities, Apartment maintenance, Molly Ringwald, and more.

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Episode 2.18 - It's Bissell every time...

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 23:19:09 PST

Tom and Rob discuss what they want for Christmas, even though this podcast is being posted weeks later. They also discuss the short-lived Olivia Wilde T.V. series "Skin", the Emergency Broadcast System, Bingling, oversaving, Jane Seymour's open-heart pendants, Larry King, Mario and Sonic, the vacuum wars, and more.

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Episode 2.17 - Two Flus in Two Weeks

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 12:32:26 PST

Rob and Tom discuss super baby flus, robber barons, fame in Japan, 3D Movies, Young Einstein, and Olivia Wilde.

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2.16 - BOBJENZ and KEVINBRUECK Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 19:20:48 PST

Rob and Tom welcome YouTubers BOBJENZ and KEVINBRUECK to discuss Hollywood, the new media frontier, YouTube, and how to become an internet sensation.

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Episode 2.15 - BOBJENZ and KEVINBRUECK

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 13:14:31 PST

Rob and Tom welcome YouTubers BOBJENZ and KEVINBRUECK to discuss Hollywood, the new media frontier, YouTube, and how to become an internet sensation.

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Episode 2.14 - You Can't Go Back in Time and Be Your Own Grandfather

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 19:59:30 PST

Tom and Rob are joined by Tom's brother Joe to discuss science, Eric Stoltz and The Zack Galfiankas era.

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Episode 2.13: Turns out Brett Favre is kind of a dumb hick

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 21:35:50 PST

Tom and Rob are joined by Tom's brother Joe to discuss Kevin Garnett's "cancer patient" comment, Don Imus, Brett Favre and the politically correct era.

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Episode 2.12: Paul Reiser, I Believe, Is Still Alive

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 11:43:20 PDT

Tom and Rob are joined by Indie Film Development Executive Zac Sanford (@zacsanford) to discuss all things #scriptchat, pitchfests, TV reboots, spec scripts and more. Part 2 of 2.

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Episode 2.11: She Cloned Her Dead Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 11:46:33 PDT

Tom and Rob are joined by Indie Film Development Executive Zac Sanford (@zacsanford) to discuss Twitter’s #scriptchat, pitchfests, movies and people who will do anything to get famous, even if it includes cloning their dead dog. Part 1 of 2.

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Episode 2.10: I think they should remake Pretty Woman every year

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 18:18:29 PDT

Tom and Rob discuss talks about Penn State's masturbation problem, Private jet time shares, convincing Tom to use valet services, Rob's shower at work ("William Goldman's Bathroom"), a yearly remake of Pretty Woman and Tom's fleas and time working at the Arclight, and Twitter's Quakepredictor (which Rob later discovered was fake.)

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Larkin & Carroll Blogcast: Modern Family + True Blood = The Munsters?

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 13:27:27 PDT

Yeah, exactly what TV needs.

Rowdy
Tom, Hollywood would has done it again, and by done it again, of course, I mean, the same thing it always does. Fresh off the heels of news that a reboot of Charlie's Angels is fast approaching TV, Bryan Fuller (Pushing Daisies, Dead Like Me, Wonderfalls) is remaking The Munsters.

Now, I'm over being irrationally upset about reboots and remakes of franchises. That's so early 2010 and just makes me sound bitter that my reboot of Leave it to Beaver featuring a grown up Jerry Mathers as the owner of a strip club and the ghost of Hugh Beaumont as the strip club DJ hasn't been picked up yet.

However, this doesn't mean I can't be irrationally angry how the remake of The Munsters is being billed: "Modern Family meets True Blood."

What? What does that mean? They just took two things people like and combined them! Is that all it takes? (I know the answer to this, but I'll still take a trip in the hyperbole machine to get overly upset for the sake of the internet!)

You've been wanting to see Dexter meets Mad Men for a while, right? Or what about GLEE meets The Wire?

I know, shows need to be pitched as "these ideas were successful, so this will be too" so you're not going to pitch a show as Emeril meets Emily's Reasons Why Not, but why don't we look at things this way: "The Guy Who Made 22 Episodes of Pushing Daisies meets 60's Sitcom That Only Lasted Three Seasons" instead of him getting to associate with two incredibly successful shows he had nothing to do with.

Tom - talk me off the ledge, or if you care to, please join me.

LOL!

Tom
This is exactly the type of thing that makes me want to kill. First of all, while people are reading this, an executive is calling me about making a show called Emeril's Reasons Why Not.

Second, Hollywood is again culling shows from its vast attic of mediocre material that caught the eye of the public for a couple years back when there were three channels to choose from and people were willing to devote hours and hours of free time to mastering the hula-hoop.

Third, I love that "We're remaking The Munsters" is no longer embarrassing enough; they also need to drag two more shows into the equation. Two shows that are extremely popular and very different. Two shows that probably haven't even hit full stride yet; True Blood has done 3 twelve episode seasons, while Modern Family has just started its second season of 25 episodes.

It will never cease to amaze me how hard these people will swim to move back toward the center. Every time an original show comes out - a show that doesn't have anything to do with a hospital staff, or gathering DNA evidence, or a lawyer who's in a wheelchair but is also a womanizer, or any other take on the medical and investigative fields - everyone goes nuts because this weird or quirky show made good. GLEE, Mad Men, True Blood, Modern Family. People are still very willing to watch a show that doesn't feature a technician examining blood spatters under a microscope in a crime lab that for some reason resembles a dance club.

So what do you do with those shows that became successful by being original? Use them as a template for rehashing old material, of course! By the way, in the grand scheme I don't consider True Blood to be original since this vampire bullshit is completely out of control, and I think vampires are boring characters in their own right and that's why they appeal to a large audience, but as far as television goes, I'm giving it a pass. For the purpose of this bout with intense rage, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

This should make for a a great movie, right?

Rowdy
Hollywood needs to get over the idea that established brands trump all. In the case of The Munsters, we're not talking about a current brand, we're talking about a 40 year old TV show that I didn't even enjoy when I was 10 years old - and I'm supposed to want to see a new version of that in my present day life?

Established brands only work when people care about said brand. That's why last year's "bidding war" over the rights to Atari's Asteroids was such a joke. You don't need the rights to the brand name Asteroids to make the movie Asteroids. You need Michael Bay and a hot girl he discovers at a Valley Village car wash to make Asteroids. That's it.

The major networks are walking a really tight rope right now. They're desperate for hits, but they keep going back to the recycling bin. Meanwhile, everyone is praising AMC for their originality (we'll give their The Prisoner remake a pass even though it shattered my fond memories of the original series) with stuff like Mad Men, Breaking Bad and Rubicon. Before AMC, it was HBO being praised for their originality. There's obviously more pressure on networks to get 5-10x times the ratings what AMC can survive on, but don't we have a pretty good indication that originality is still king?

Tom

The problem is that the people who greenlight these things are not creative. If they were creative, they would be writing and directing. I think a lot of writers and directors are pretty uncreative too, but that's a story for another fit of rage. These executives giving the go-ahead to The Munsters meets Modern Family meets True Blood are doing that because the formula gives them something to latch onto. They have no vision, they're lazy, and they need a show.

If they had vision at NBC (the network committing this crime) the studio wouldn't be riding a missile toward the ground right now. If they weren't lazy, they wouldn't make a huge production out of how close they need to park when they visit a film set so they don't have to walk an eighth of a mile like everybody else (trust me on this). So if that's your mindset, and you need to fill a line-up, what do you do? Carefully pore over a whole bunch of scripts and eat lunch at your desk to save time so you can find that perfect project? Of course not. Like a simpleton you gravitate toward whatever is familiar to you. And to the rest of the fucking world. Then you kill 90 minutes eating at a restaurant with table cloths.

They'll try to spin some bullshit about how the familiarity with the brand will get that many more people to watch the first episode. Sure. But how many shows have to start out with modest, or even disappointing numbers, then go on to huge success before they realize that fan bases are built, they don't just appear. True Blood debuted at 1.44 million viewers. John From Cincinnati started at 3.4 million. Which one made it?

This will all become moot when The Munsters becomes a break out hit and people keep asking me if I've seen it yet. I'm buying a hand gun.

By the way, Michael Bay would totally ruin Asteroids, and you know it.

Episode 2.09: From the mind of M. Night Shayamalan

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 21:55:42 PDT

Tom and Rob discuss Tom finally Tweeting, Tom's Cowboy Hat, the NES Advantage (and Punch-Out and Contra!), the Justin Bieber 3-D Movie, Steve Wiebe's Donkey Kong high score, a blow to Tom's taser program, flying cars, the future of storytelling in video games, why M. Night Shyamalan still gets to make movies and Tom's hatred of valet services.

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Episode 2.08: I met my wife on Craigslist

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 10:07:48 PDT

Tom and Rob discuss Tom's summer "working" for the Massachusetts Highway Department, The Green Machine, Tom's failure to hit on girls at The Griffin and Tom has to pee.

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Episode 2.07: I was more of an R.B.I. Baseball Guy

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 18:14:40 PDT

Rob and Tom discuss signing up for a bevy of new social networks, 1980's movie poster design (Animal House, Zapped!, Van Nuys Blvd.), Bases Loaded and the arrival of talking in video games, Nintendo Power, Playboy's new website The Smoking Jacket, the death of print publications and Prince's claim the Internet is a fad.

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Episode 2.06: Tom is Angry

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 22:49:24 PDT

Tom and Rob discuss Tom’s lack of Tweets, the upcoming “Tom is Angry” iPhone app, hipsters wearing retro basketball jerseys, more on Tom’s Time Travel Vacation idea, Tom’s plan to give tasers to everyone, today’s movies lack of real stunts and explosions, Smarties, the Harry Potter game Quidditch and Pat O’Brien’s open letter to Lindsay Lohan.

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Larkin & Carroll Blogcast: 5 ways to fix fantasy football OR How I learned to stop worrying about who's on my bench and love fantasy football

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 20:41:33 PDT

Rowdy

It's that time of year, Tom. The fantasy football season has officially kicked off, highlighted by Bernard Berrian's .8 fantasy performance last night! Of course, this means the actual NFL season has started as well, but that doesn't mean nearly as much as the digital gridiron, in which I've cast my hopes and dreams of enjoying the NFL season on Jay Cutler's arm, Jonathan Stewart's heel and Brandon Marshall's mental health. Wow, it just made me throw up a little bit to type that out.

I have to admit, I'm actually at the point where fantasy football has to count for at least 50% (I might be underestimating by about 49%) of my excitement for football. I won't be saying this four weeks from now when my team is in shambles, but for now, I'm fired up.

We made the awesome leap to auction draft this year, which is really the sign of a big shift for fantasy football. It's been a popular format in baseball for years, but now it's really taking off. This seems like a good time to ponder: What changes would you like to see to fantasy in the future?

I'll kick things off:

1. EVERYBODY PLAYS

What's the absolutely worst thing about fantasy football? Having your wife leave you after you flew to New Orleans to track down Kim Kardashian and threaten her that Reggie Bush better turn in a game better than his patent-pending 1 catch, 10 yard performance?

OK - that's pretty bad. But what's worse is having Bush on the bench for that one random week he goes off for 21 points. We've all been there.

Here's the fix. Every week, every guy on your team plays. You drafted the players, play them! What about bye weeks, you ask? On those weeks, you can add extra players to your roster to play and bench your bye week players. When your guy is off his bye week, you have to drop someone.

How glorious would this be? It would add more importance to the draft, which I'm always in favor of. You would never deal with that awful, awful fantasy frustration of benching a guy with a 32 point game.

Tell me what's wrong with this idea while I go back to humming "Heavy Action" around the office. Also, I should mention I'm shocked there wasn't a movie in the 1980's named Heavy Action. Can we use your time travel vacation idea to build Sly Stallone's house in the 1980's so we can pitch this to him?

Tom

As far as Sly Stallone goes, why don't we just pitch it to him now? If you can make The Expendables, you can make Heavy Action, the story of a marooned special forces team lead by Stallone that takes on a local warlord in a South American rainforest using experimental Cold War technology they find that was abandoned in the jungle by the Soviets.

As far as your personal fantasy concerns, it's too bad you're not relying on Jay Cutler's double chin, Jonathan Stewart's media criticism, and Brandon Marshall's potential to lunge for a police officer's gun outside a Miami nightclub between now and December.

But we can’t solve your problems, sadly. Here’s something to make it more fun, though.

2. BONUSES FOR CRAZY FEATS

If a guy returns a kick from inside his own 20 for a touchdown, that should be something like 40 points. It rarely happens, and it would give fantasy managers that are inclined to gamble a new strategy. Playmaking return guys like Devin Hester or Joshua Cribbs won’t put up big numbers every week, but with the 40 point return you could put them on your team and they’ll probably guarantee a couple of wins in the season.

It’s not a strategy that everyone would employ, but the loose cannons in your league would do it. And find me a fantasy league that doesn’t have at least one loose cannon. The kick return touchdown is one of the most exciting and unexpected plays in football, but it barely figures into fantasy, since it’s worth only a touchdown, and most return guys don’t crack line-ups anyway. That’s crazy. Athletes who make a habit of running past an entire complement of special teamers en route to touchdowns should have value.

We need more customization available in leagues, since wrinkles like this would allow people to manage their teams with personal flare. As of now you win fantasy football games in one way: draft good running backs, or the one or two wide receivers who can score like the running backs can, and hope to win every week. If we gave more weight to highlight reel events that happen very rarely it would make marginal players more draftable, and allow for managers to be conservative or risk-taking.

And if Brandon Marshall lunges for a cop’s gun outside the club from The Birdcage, you should get 100 points that week. I believe Bill Simmons recently suggested that an arrest should be worth fantasy points. He’s right. It’s our league, shouldn’t we be able to build this stuff into it?

Rowdy

I like where you're going. Any way we can make fantasy football more like MTV's Rock 'N Jock events and I'm in. If there's a way I can see Dexter McCluster hurdling over a cow before diving into the end zone, even better.

3. DEFENSE WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS (SO DO COACHES AND KICK RETURNERS)

This is a pretty natural evolution of your idea. Kick returners should absolutely have value. In fact, I'd dig a kick returner position. It'd really be no different from tight end - five or six guys are tops in the league and then you're taking some chances and hoping you luck your way into Dante Hall's "X-Factor" 2003 season that landed him both a Gatorade product and some all-time overzealous speculation that he'd be an MVP candidate.

But I'll take it a step further. It's definitely time to institute a head coach position, just for the comedy of someone drafting Brad Childress and the dozen Megan's Law jokes that follow. Wouldn't it be even more fun to watch Andy Reid botch a critical call knowing your opponent's week depends on it? (Sweet fullback draw on 4th and 1, Andy!) Look, I don't know how to score this, but if there's a situation in which people are scouring the coaching waiver wire and debating between Raheem Morris and Eric Mangini, I think it should be done. Apologies to Bill Simmons if he included this idea in his 4,000 words on how to fix fantasy, I got lost when I was being told I needed to somehow incorporate backgammon into how I play fantasy football.

To top it off, it's time for us to get on board with picking defensive players. This is already offered, but I don't know anyone who does it. I'm not going to deny that it might take a year or two to get the hang of this, but change is good!

As fantasy stands now, you root for one defensive team each week. Yawn. The change? I get to root for a half-dozen or so dudes making bone crushing tackles, forcing fumbles and making game changing interceptions. Isn't one of the best parts of fantasy learning about every player in the game? There's 250 more guys we don't know nearly as much about!

The one caveat to my proposal - no kickers. We got rid of them in our league this year and I couldn't be more excited. No one wants to root for kickers, you're just guessing. If we want to institute kicker special teams tackles, now we're talking.

Tom

I like the kick return position. Return yardage leagues have always seemed strange to me. They remind me of activities like sailing. And wife swapping. I have nothing against them, and could see them being really fun for the participants. But I have very little interest in getting involved. Also I’m not married, so it would be a raw deal for the other side of a wife swap. But the Kick Returner position seems appealing. It's an important part of a real team. Fantasy should reflect that.

I love the coaching position, though it would certainly lead to Andy Reid coming home on a Sunday night to find a guy sitting in his living room in darkness with a silenced firearm, like James Bond at the beginning of Casino Royale. You could score stuff like successful/failed challenges, converted third downs, converted fourth downs. What’s more fun than getting enraged by an NFL coach’s ineptitude, then being inspired to violence due to your agitated state and the following Coors Light commercial you’re forced to watch for the seventh time that hour?

And you’re right about defensive players; they need to start seeing action. Too many exciting guys like Ndamukong Suh and Darrelle Revis are relegated to cog status by the defense-as-player format. They should be fantasy stars. Here’s my change:

4. THE NFL NEEDS TO START GIVING FANTASY PARTICIPANTS THEIR DUE

This isn’t a change to how we play fantasy, but since this is about the changes I’d like to see to fantasy, I’m including it.

If we didn’t play fantasy, what would our football watching habits be? You and I would watch the Patriots game every week. And we’d probably have some other friends around and we’d watch their teams. So we’d watch maybe one or two games on a Sunday and probably watch Monday night football if it’s a good game. If we lived in New England, where we’re both from and where our team is broadcast on local television, we most likely wouldn’t lay down money for the NFL Sunday Ticket package.

What are our current watching habits as avid fantasy football managers? You installed a second T.V. above your regular T.V. last season. We spend all Sunday watching every game we can watch. I hang on plays in a Rams-Seahawks game. I’ll frequently leave your place in the late afternoon then watch the Sunday night game somewhere else. Monday night football is often a deciding factor in multiple games in our fantasy league, so we have to watch it.

Our participation in fantasy sports translates to a massive increase in our consumption of the NFL product. Yet I never hear about the NFL offering discounts through fantasy outlets for anything. Merchandise, tickets, T.V. packages. I’m in three Yahoo leagues this season. That makes me an elite NFL consumer. I’m going to watch every game I can watch this season. They have my complete attention. But that doesn’t mean I’m spending all the money I can on it. I don’t have NFL Sunday Ticket anymore. I don’t buy tickets to Chargers games (Rowdy and I live in Los Angeles, for those who don’t know).

So why doesn’t NFL.com offer perks for fantasy players? On their web site the only selling point of an NFL league is that you can “win exclusive prizes”. That’s the best they can do? Chuck E. Cheese gives out prizes. How about when I join and remain active in an NFL-run fantasy league I get a discount on the DirecTV package? You know how every grocery store chain has figured out that if they give you a little card that gets you discounts, you’ll keep shopping there? That’s what fantasy football does for the NFL. Active fantasy participants are active consumers of football. Active consumers should get a bone every now and then. And if it turns out this exists and I don’t know about it, well, maybe if you didn’t show me 25 Cialis commercials a game you’d have some room to get the word out to me.

Rowdy

I couldn't possibly agree more. My consumption of the NFL has expanded at least 90% in the past decade and all I have to show for it is a larger DirecTV bill. And as I've pointed out on the podcast several times, only my threatening to cancel the NFL Package gets me a better price, so they're generally willing to just rob everyone else (Cue: "Somebody up there loves you, DirecTV!" jingle).

It'd be easy to throw us a bone, at not at much cost. Simple example: "Switch your fantasy league to NFL.com and get 50% off an NFL jersey!" The increase in traffic would be a huge boost to their ad revenue, not to mention when you give people a discount on one thing they're more likely to spend even more money on something else. I've almost bought jerseys of guys on my fantasy team a dozen times because I thought it'd be fun, but it's hard to justify dropping $100 on a Greg Jennings jersey. Throw it at me for $50 and I'm sold!

But this is what happens when you're the prettiest girl in the bar ("belle of the ball" is pretty outdated at this point - when's the last time you met a girl at a ball, Tom?). You don't have to put in the same effort that the girl in the low cut top with raccoon eyes does to get all the attention.

The NFL has us all roped in and I'm not even sure the looming lockout will hurt.

On to my last improvement for fantasy...

5. EVERYONE PLAYS EVERYONE

Aside from benching a player who has a huge week, what's the other biggest frustration of fantasy? Your team scores 110 points, your opponent scores 111, but no one else in the league is even sniffing 100. You would've beaten EVERY OTHER TEAM in the league but your opponent. This is the bad beat of fantasy football.

The solution is simple. Every week, you play everyone. So if you're in a 10 team league and you outscore all your opponents, you get 10 wins. You score the lowest? Zero wins. The truly dominant teams would rise to the top and the days of the guy who only scores 87 points a week catching all the breaks would disappear. Finally.

I think Simmons tossed this idea out on his podcast last year, but it's something I've been wanting to do for years. It's just another rock solid way to take out the frustrating randomness of our favorite fake sport.

I'm sure once the season kicks off I'll have another dozen things that make me angry and I think need fixing in fantasy, but for now, I'll just picture a future where I wake up to personal phone calls from Stephania Bell with breaking news on Knowshon Moreno's hamstring and the 2001 edition of Jillian Barberie is giving me in-home weather reports

Tom

Well I guess that wraps up the top 5 – wait, what’s that noise?!

BONUS CHANGE!!!!!!!!!

You know what fantasy football really needs? It needs a basic cable show comprised of typical sitcom characters in an 8 team league, even though no one ever has an 8 team league as a main league. And the 8 team league should be dominated by one guy to the tune of 3 titles in 4 seasons, even though an 8 team league would be so shallow that every manager would be starting a juggernaut team, negating any real strategy or research and ensuring that luck would dictate each week’s outcome.

And since fantasy football is so popular among men, the show should feature all the things men want to see in a show about fantasy football, like couples clashing over wanting to conceive, and a guy’s girlfriend sticking her finger in his ass during sex to assert her authority over him. And hey, know what would be a really fun, unpredictable device? If a guy’s wife secretly ran the team! That’s a great way to emasculate a man on a show that’s supposed to appeal to men!

And why include any discussions about things like trades that happened last year that people are still pissed off about, or people offering bullshit trades, or sleepers, or strength of schedule, or last year's biggest waiver wire pick up, or anything football related when you can just have a shitload of toilet humor? Cause that’s what men do ALL THE TIME! Am I right, ladies?!

Rowdy

Nicely done, Tom. I'd write a follow-up but I received a Jury Summons from the Intergalactic Space Council to be on the trial of Ray Lewis for murdering an entire planet in his new Old Spice commercial. He won't get away with it this time!

Everyone else, enjoy your football Sunday!

Episode 2.05: Steve Jobs is Merlin

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 21:49:35 PDT

Tom and Rob discuss Apple's latest magical creation, the Apple TV, Steve Jobs' black shirt collection, who to blame for the death of Optimus Prime, Tom's hatred of DirecTV, terrible beer commercials, Casio Keyboard ROM-PAK's and Tom introduces his idea for Time Travel vacations.

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Larkin & Carroll Blogcast: Can Apple TV take down cable?

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 12:20:27 PDT

Tom

Well, Rowdy, yet again Apple has spent countless hours developing a new piece of technology that will not in any way help me to destroy my enemies. Apple TV is grabbing attention today as the first web television device that you can sneak through a prison security scan via the rectum. Apple all but explicitly states this on their site when they mention that it "fits just about anywhere".

At 99 dollars I think this thing is going to sell. What do you think?

Rowdy
Thanks for reminding me where I last saw my iPod Nano with my illegally downloaded episodes of Glee.

I don't know who gets more excited for Apple announcements, people who love Apple or hate Apple. It's like that scene from Private Parts where Paul Giamatti is expressing his disbelief that people who hate Howard Stern actually listen to him longer than people who like him.

I'm all-in on Apple TV. What amazes me about it is not that Apple has created something "magical" again, but no one else was able to beat them to the punch - not so much the device (we already have Roku and sort of Boxee), but the business model for renting TV shows. If, and maybe it's a big if, they get tons of other networks to sign up for 99 cent TV rentals, this is game-changing (we're supposed to react to these announcements with as much hyperbole as possible, right?).

At the very least, this is putting the end to my days as a disc-based consumer and I'm hoping that one day, it will eliminate the need to be a cable/satellite customer. We're getting there.

The On-Demand era has truly arrived.

I'm looking at this as someone who is super into tech - what's your perspective?

Tom
Sometimes it seems as if everyone is waiting idle for Apple to do something. Like if a kid gets into the Special Olympics because he's deaf and the basketball portion turns into a bunch of seriously disabled kids just standing around watching him lay waste to everyone because he's otherwise able-bodied besides having a cochlear implant.

I have no idea why no one else has figured out how to make slick-looking gadgets that people buy. Part of the issue is that Apple now enjoys media coverage at the Punxsutawney Phil level whenever Steve Jobs wanders within 10 feet of a podium. He could announce which restaurant the board of directors picked for lunch that day and probably get more coverage than the next generation Microsoft Zune. So they now have a launch pad that other companies don't have. This isn't the first idea of its kind. But it's the first time we've sat down to write an email chain and post it on our site as a result of a web TV device.

As far as the product goes, I think this is the beginning of the end for television as we know it. In the same way that cell phones have largely replaced land-line phones among young adults, I expect this concept to replace conventional television. I sure hope it does. I want to get famous for something other than charging into DirecTV headquarters with a stolen shotgun. Cable companies suck. Everyone knows it. Will the Apple TV device tell you to sit in your home from 8 AM to 4 PM on a Tuesday then show up at 4:07 and tell you there's a problem with your apartment's wiring and that it can't come back till next week? I doubt it. People have been waiting for a savior from cable for a long time. And this could be it.

So to answer your question, my perspective is that I could see myself reenacting First Blood in the lobby of the DirecTV building, and this type of device could be a nice alternative to that.

Rowdy
That really tops my impromptu rendition of Moulin Rouge's "Elephant Love Medley" that I did at Target in West Covina last fall.

Technologically speaking, this really is the generation where you no longer get a free pass if you suck at something. We saw it with the record industry and iTunes. Jobs said today that iTunes sales are passing/are about to pass CD sales (which I would've guessed happened two years ago - which is the last time I bought a CD). Now we're seeing it with the cable TV industry. Do you really think you can charge me $110 for TV just because you're providing me 457 channels I don't watch and 15 that I do? I'll pass, thanks. It's no different than the 17.99 CD era (I don't care if it came with a lifetime guarantee sticker from The Wall.)

Up next is the phone industry, which I'm not all that interested in (the end of phone numbers, we'll all talk via WiFi).

The revolution I am interested in is, and it's loosely tied to Apple TV, is how Hollywood is going to evolve in the next 10-20 years. It's another business model that is just dying to be turned around, and we have proof with MGM's bankruptcy that the model isn't working. Someone new needs to take charge (and by someone new, I mean us) and throw some life into Hollywood or we're just going to get reboots of Spider-Man every ten years and a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie starring Dame Jude Dench.

Tom
I warned the management at the West Covina Target many times that if they kept pushing you I wasn't taking responsibility for the outcome. They wanted to learn the hard way.

Hollywood is in for some big changes in the next decade or two. People are turning more and more toward their home devices for entertainment and less and less toward theatres. Movie theatres are notorious money pits as it is, and televisions are getting bigger and bigger while TV shows and movies become more easily accessed. Couple that with shows like The Wire that have shot in the cities they're based in instead of in Los Angeles, and other states trying to lure filmmakers with tax breaks, and Hollywood is starting to look like a medium fish in a growing pond. What happens when a legit challenger shows up? If filmmakers can leave the country and shoot for a lot cheaper in a place where they run zero risk of running into Mel Gibson, they'll do just that.

I noticed you wrote "Dame Jude Dench". I'm assuming you meant to write "Judi", since Judi Dench is expected to play Bottomless Potamus (yellow) in the first three movies of the HHH ten part series, but it also occurred to me that you may have meant to write "Dame Jude Law", breaking the story that Jude Law accepted a role in the films and has been made a female knight.

Rowdy
To be clear, I'm assuming Jude Law and Judi Dench will not only marry, but also that Jude Law will take on the last name Dench, and the Dame part as well. They can only hide it for so long.

I agree with your assessment of Hollywood, but this town does have a strange resiliency to it. We're operating on years and years of bad decisions and inefficiency and a business model for theatre owners that relies on selling popcorn and a soda for a 98% profit.

We'll tackle this one at length, soon. For now I have to convince my wife we need Apple TV. Also, did I mention I'm working on a studio lot now instead of an office building? I saw Ryan Phillippe yesterday buying a smoothie. I'm going to have to track him down again so I can assault him with my pitch for my erotic board game thriller, Connect ForePlay.

Tom
Yeah, we need to tackle this at length. The Hungry Hungry Hippos movie, I mean. I want to see Daniel Day Lewis in it, just for the mental image of him gaining 200 pounds and staying in character as Picky Potamus for like 3 months while his wife finally files for divorce.

Episode 2.04: If I made a sex tape

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 22:50:27 PDT

Tom and Rob discuss camera work in sex tapes, Montana Fishburne's porn debut, the conspiracy that the 1700's never happened and Justin Bieber riding a segway.

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Episode 2.03: Vegas Biathlon

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 22:56:07 PDT

Tom vents about never having an acceptable office chair and proposes the idea of wedding contracts. Rob and Tom break down the potential of the Vegas Biathlon.

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Episode 2.02: They really just loved suspenders in the 80's

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 13:02:52 PDT

Tom and Rob discuss Tom's stolen air conditioner, the Fatboy Slim Era, and 80's/90's "bikini babe" posters.

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Episode 2.01: Gus Johnson got inappropriately excited a few times

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 14:02:12 PDT

Tom and Rob return after their summer hiatus to discuss the iPhone 4, Chevy Chase's short lived talk show career, the Madden 11 demo and what's in store for Season 2!

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Blue & Silver by Adam Zopf

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 23:57:56 PDT

Three original short plays and a reading from the writer's grandfather's twenty-eight page autobiography.
Featuring: Nate Corddry, Josh Heine, Alyssa Rae, Cormac Bluestone, John Forest and Adam Zopf
Directed by: Adam Zopf
Produced by: Jody Abbott
Music by: Abbot Kinney

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Episode 27: I can't count the number of times I've drank Red Bull while in danger

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 11:34:44 PDT

Tom and Rob play the game, "Social Media site or Slang," discuss Google TV and an energy infused Beef Jerky.

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Episode 26: Beer for Baby

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Fri, 28 May 2010 00:54:32 PDT

Rob and Tom are joined by Adam Zopf to discuss a man trying to trade his baby for beer, news stories you never need to hear again, and Rob's dad being in the Guinness Book of World Records.

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Episode 25: Bonus Material

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Fri, 21 May 2010 17:12:53 PDT

As mentioned on Episode 25, Michael Bay: Power Director.

Episode 25: They said it was impossible, then Michael Bay came along

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Fri, 21 May 2010 17:13:23 PDT

Tom and Rob are joined by Adam Zopf for a review of Get Him to the Greek, the surge of remakes and branded franchises in Hollywood, the impact of the script review site ScriptShadow, and Megan Fox's firing from Transformers 3.

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Episode 24: Kevin Kline and Tom Selleck are going to be boyfriends now

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 19 May 2010 23:57:21 PDT

Tom and Rob discuss the Miley Cyrus lap dance video and Tom introduces the genre of "Exploygaytion" films.

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Episode 23: Bonus Material

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Tue, 18 May 2010 14:21:18 PDT

Episode 22 and 23 guest John Forest made two shorts, "The Bike" and "The Text" that were recently featured as "Funny Or Die" User Picks. Check them out!

The Bike - watch more funny videos

The Text - watch more funny videos

Episode 23: This person must add you as a creeper

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Tue, 18 May 2010 14:15:21 PDT

Tom and Rob are joined by Johnny Forest to discuss the New Media revolution, old-timey cigarette ads, and the concerns over Facebook privacy.

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Episode 22: What is the sexiest dinosaur?

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Fri, 14 May 2010 18:17:15 PDT

Tom and Rob welcome guest Johnny Forest to the podcast to discuss Rowdy's run-in at Target with Justin Bieber, the sexiest dinosaurs, and The Secret.

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Episode 21: Let's try to get on that Bolivian game show

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 12 May 2010 23:30:07 PDT

Tom and Rob chat about Tom's hatred of hipsters, Rob's Deal or No Deal audition, Circus of Books, and a special delivery from a Twitter listener.

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Episode 20: I don't want to accidentally get a girl in a 3-D porn pregnant

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Fri, 07 May 2010 16:00:33 PDT

Tom and Rob discuss their new ad campaign, 3-D Porn, the 80's classic Three O'Clock High, and Hypercolor t-shirts.

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Episode 19: Any dog that's big enough I can ride

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Thu, 06 May 2010 12:26:29 PDT

Rob and Tom are joined by Adam Zopf to discuss the problem with officiating in the NBA and Adam's concept of "One Second Impressed."

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Episode 18: Why can't I play Plinko for fifty bucks?

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Tue, 04 May 2010 13:19:48 PDT

Rob and Tom welcome back Adam Zopf to discuss the things homeless people spend money on, a new way to gamble in Vegas, Rob's painful NBA Jam defeat, and blogging about George Clooney.

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Episode 17: I'm not saying Robert Zemeckis was doing coke

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 17:22:25 PDT

Rob and Tom welcome special guest Adam Zopf to the podcast for a preview of Iron Man 2, more thoughts on Midnight Madness, and a preview of summer movies.

Episode 16: It's safe to say Warren G. Harding probably wrote Regulate

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 19:41:31 PDT

Tom and Rob discuss baseball players using Party in the USA as walk-up music, Tom's stance on Burning Man, and door-to-door Pepper Spray Salesmen.

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Episode 15: Midnight Madness

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 19:40:06 PDT

Tom and Rob discuss finding an apartment in Los Angeles and the 1980 movie classic, Midnight Madness.

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Episode 14: The sound of my voice never leaves you once you've heard it.

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 19:45:51 PDT

Tom and Rob are joined by special guest Nate Corddry to discuss Tom's face blindness, Ice-T versus Aimee Mann, and small-town cops.

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Episode 13: He's a protocol droid!

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 19:46:37 PDT

Tom and Rob welcome their first guest Nate Corddry to the podcast. They discuss the texting service KGB, the Jennifer Love Hewitt era, and the impact of Twitter on how we receive news.

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Episode 12: The baby got swapped out by Ricardo Montalban

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 19:48:01 PDT

Rob pitches Tom ridiculous movie ideas.

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Episode 11: Here's another thing I have to say about Voltron...

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 19:48:54 PDT

Rob and Tom break down their favorite 80's cartoons, including Voltron, G.I. Joe, and He-Man. Rob recaps his favorite Saved By The Bell episode.

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Episode 10: Harrison Ford is now Kermit

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 19:49:35 PDT

Tom and Rob recast the Indiana Jones movies with Muppets.

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Episode 9: The Midpoint Between Arizona and L.A.

noreply@blogger.com (Larkin & Carroll) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 19:50:16 PDT

Tom and Rob recap their trip to Arizona for baseball's Spring Training.

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