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Fri, 10 Jul 2009 00:08:43 CDT

RSS 2.0 feed of the latest jokes added to the jokes database of JokesLab . For more jokes, please read our bi-weekly online magazine JokesLab Magazine (It is FREE!) or browse all jokes at the home page.

Flakey Murder

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: People Jokes Added: 2009-06-26
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn�t we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You�re right. I�m afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

On their way home from the bar ...

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: People Jokes Added: 2009-06-26
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I�m very sorry officer, I didn�t realize it was out, I�ll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John�s license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn�t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he�s drunk."

Police House Calls

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: Work Jokes Added: 2009-06-26
My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple and the problem was quickly resolved.

On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door.

Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when I heard my partner say.... "If you have any more problems, we�ll be in your closet."

Did she threaten to kill you?

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: Political Jokes Added: 2009-06-26
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did you hear her tell someone else that she�s gonna kill you?" "No."

"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?" "No."

"Then why did you think she�s gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can�t you see the label on bottle said �Polish Remover�?"

Stop Sign

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: Work Jokes Added: 2009-06-26
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver�s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.

"No," the man replied.

"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.

"But I did slow down!" the guy argued. The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That�s why they�re called stop signs." The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down � what�s the difference?"

The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I�m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

Vice President

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: People Jokes Added: 2009-06-26
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn�t take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

Forgot Teeth

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: Restaurant Jokes Added: 2009-06-26
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I�ve been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I�m not a dentist. I�m the local undertaker."

Son-in-law

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: Relationship Jokes Added: 2009-06-26
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man."To show you how much we care for you, I�m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can�t stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you�ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can�t stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don�t like factories and won�t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

I�m the Boss

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: People Jokes Added: 2009-06-26
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn�t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I�m the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

White House-secret

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: Funny Pictures Added: 2009-06-26

Horse winner

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: Funny Pictures Added: 2009-06-26

Sexy Timepiece

Tue, 19 May 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: Blonde Jokes Added: 2009-05-19
A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that�s a really fancy watch."

Thanks, says the guy, "It�s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it�ll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it�s true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I�ll prove it. I�ll ask it if you�ve got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven�t got any panties on."

"Well, it�s wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it�s an hour fast!"

The Natural Look

Tue, 19 May 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: Blonde Jokes Added: 2009-05-19
A woman wearing a tank-top sits down at a bar and raises her hand to gain the bartender�s attention, exposing a tuft of underarm hair that had not seen a razor in months. The bartender, noticing the sickened look on his customer�s faces yet not wishing to insult the woman, tells her, "Ma�am, my name is Charlie, and if you need a another drink, just say �Hey Charlie,� to get my attention."

"Okay," says the woman.

A few minutes later, after the woman emptied her glass, she raises her hand again to get Charlie�s attention. Patrons begin to leave the bar, disgusted at the sight of her armpit foliage, and Charlie is losing patience with her. "Ma�am, I told you to call my name if you needed anything," he tells the woman.

"Hey Charlie, put her drink on my tab," a drunk at the other end of the bar says. "I just love the ballet."

"Ballet?" Charlie asks. "What in the world do you mean?" "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina." the drunk replies.

Long But Silent

Tue, 19 May 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: People Jokes Added: 2009-05-19
A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off...

The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the bartender finally went over to the man and said "I�m sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen."

The man replied by saying I don�t think so. I can get any lady that I want.

The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titter blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldn�t get the woman to even talk to him.

The ugly man agrees and says "I�ll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her.

The bartender accepted.

The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door.

The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "Damn that sucks but what happened?"

The man replied with "I don�t know. He just stood there licking his eyebrows."

Damaging Food

Tue, 19 May 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: Relationship Jokes Added: 2009-05-19
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I�m referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

Do You Fancy Leak Soup?

Tue, 19 May 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: Restaurant Jokes Added: 2009-05-19
Checking the menu, Nigel, a restaurant customer, ordered a bowl of soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth. He called over to the waitress and said, �It�s all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked.�

The waitress said, �You ordered the vegetable soup, didn�t you?�

�Yes,� Nigel replied grimacing

�Well, maybe it has a leek in it!�, suggested the waitress.

Chocolate ice cream

Tue, 19 May 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: People Jokes Added: 2009-05-19
A lady walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk for a pint of chocolate ice cream.

The clerk told the lady "Miss, we are all out of chocolate ice cream."

The lady says "Oh, okay. Give me a quart of chocolate ice cream."

The clerk says "Miss, I just told you we are all out of chocolate ice cream."

The lady says "Oh, okay. Give me a half gallon of chocolate ice cream."

The clerk had finally had it. He said "Miss, can you spell the van in vanilla?"

The lady looked puzzled but answered "Yes, v a n."

The clerk said, "Very good. Now can you spell the straw in strawberry?"

The lady still looked puzzled but answered "Yes, s t r a w."

The clerk said, "Very good. Now can you spell the fuck in chocolate?"

The lady answered, "There aren�t no fuck in chocolate."

The clerk replied, "That�s what I�v been trying to tell you!"

Boo

Mon, 18 May 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: Funny Pictures Added: 2009-05-18

Cloning gone wild

Mon, 18 May 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: Funny Pictures Added: 2009-05-18

Britney- Spears-cat

Mon, 18 May 2009 00:00:00 CDT

Category: Funny Pictures Added: 2009-05-18