Latest Quotes

Super Funny Quotes 6

2010-09-24T00:18:00.000-07:00

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
Put a little boogy in it!

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Super Funny Quotes 5

2010-09-24T00:15:00.000-07:00

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to managemeant is knowing which mules are which.

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. - Paddy O'Dea

"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back." - Al Bundy

Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.

It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going really fast.

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?

Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!

Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.

Super Funny Quotes 4

2010-09-24T00:10:00.000-07:00

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."

He who laughs last didn't get it.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The road to success is always under construction.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Super Funny Quotes 3

2010-09-24T00:07:00.000-07:00

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. - Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams

Super Funny Quotes 2

2010-09-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. - Jerry Garcia

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Super Funny Quotes

2010-09-23T23:50:00.000-07:00

All short quotes and one-liners are automatically sorted by their rank. Hilarious quotes that suck will be deleted, so please vote if you think a funny quote sucks or rocks!

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!

2010-09-23T23:39:00.003-07:00

"I believe in dragons, fairies, good men and other mythical creatures!" - Anon
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label." -
Mark Twain.
"As God once said, and I think rightly..." -
Margaret Thatcher.
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me." -
Woody Allen.

"Whoever said 'nothings impossible' never tried to nail jell-o to a tree" - Lisa Bryant
"If your left leg was easter, and your right leg was christmas, would i be able to meet you inbetween the holidays?" - Josh Longden
"If they can send one man to the moon why can't they send them all?" - Amy

2010-09-23T23:38:00.001-07:00

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." -
Jimmy Durante.
"I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons." -
Douglas Adams."
"Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?" - Bart Simpson
"Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos." - Homer Simpson
"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman." - Homer Simpson
"Operator! Give me the number for 911!" - Homer Simpson
The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege."
- Times newspaper
"The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you." -
Charles Dickens.
"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." -
Patrick Murray.
"Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer." -
Will Rogers.

"The Scottish verdict 'not proven' means 'guilty, but don't do it again'." -
Winifred Duke.
"Gentlemen prefer bonds." -
Andrew Mellon.
"A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist." -
Franklin Jones.

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy." -
Spike Milligan.

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." -
Socrates.
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." -
Charles Lamb.

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." -
Mario Andretti.
"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?" -
Steven Wright.

2010-09-23T23:35:00.001-07:00

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." -
Les Dawson.
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" -
Steven Wright.

"I can resist everything except temptation." -
Oscar Wilde.

"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving." -
Henry Youngman.
"The first ninety minutes of a football match are the most important." -
Bobby Robson.
"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." -
Oscar Wilde
"I have nothing to declare except my genius." - Oscar Wilde
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." -
Rita Mae Brown.
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." -
WC Fields.
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." -
Sacha Guitry.
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." -
Groucho Marx.

2010-09-23T23:33:00.000-07:00

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious - Alan Minter
"the bowler is Holding the batsmens Willey" Brian Johnston
I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted - George Best
Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country - Ian Rush

"You watch the pitlane while I stop the start watch..." - Murray Walker
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria... I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." - Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator
He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time. - Richie Benaud (cricket commentator)
"If at first you don't suceed, pull your foreskin over your head (pronounced heed)" - Old Scottish parable
I never criticise referees and i'm not going to change a habit for that prat. - Ron Atkinson
What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football - Stuart Hall, (radio 5 live commentator)
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on" -
Samuel Goldwyn.

"What's another word for thesaurus?" -
Steven Wright.
"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me." -
G.W. Hegel (philosopher)
"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet."
Mark Twain. -
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -
Terry Pratchett.
"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." - Ambrose Bierce
"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest." -
Rowan Atkinson.