laugh. dance. create.

I Pick Up Pennies

2014-10-19T16:16:00.000-05:00

I pick up pennies.

Always have. Always will.
They just look so sad if you leave them behind.

I get it. They're "quote-end-quote" worthless.
I know people who throw them away, like...in the trash.
Drives me crazy.

And some people think we should get rid of the penny.

ummmm...

"A Penny for your thoughts?"
"Here's my two cents."
"Find a Penny pick it up. All day long you'll have good luck."

Then what?
Then one day the nickel is no longer needed?

Okay, I'm being dramatic... and a tad silly.
But you see, tonight I was filling this baby bottle with all my spare change for the Parkville Women's Clinic and then I will turn it back in at church. I rarely carry cash with me anymore, so I don't have a lot of change from that, but I do pick up a lot of change off the ground and put it in a jar in my room. And there, as I saw all my pennies together, they seemed to have some value to me. It may be very small...THE SMALLEST...but it's still a value.

Now here's the kicker.

I filled the bottle. Put the lid on and then read the label on the side of the bottle:
"An unborn baby has little feet and toes the exact size and shape of the above image just 10-weeks after conception!"

The feet are smaller than a penny!
So, so tiny. And yet, a priceless value.
Thought to be a "throw-away" by too many people. Yet...
A life. A treasure.

So, I type this out and I share this with you because, yes, I am pro-life. I believe that life begins at conception and that ending that life is wrong. Very wrong. And my heart aches...deeply...for the blood that is on our hands. For the lives stripped away.

I also share this with you because you, you are a life. You were created. You have value. You feel small...you are small. We are all small in comparison to the vast galaxies, but you are a treasure. You were made in His image. You have a purpose and a destiny for such a time as this. Turn to Him. Stop filling you life with empty nothings of this world. You are His beloved.

He sees you.
He sees your worth.
He won't pass you by.
He picks you up.

___________________________________

Parkville Women’s Clinic is a nonprofit ministry governed by a board of directors with the mission to empower and equip individuals to make healthy life choices. Our vision is to see a world where every child is valued, and mothers and fathers are equipped to build strong families that positively impact our community.

Parkville Women’s Clinic is dedicated to fostering a Christ-like view of human life and sexuality by offering hope and compassionate help, thus enabling positive, life-affirming choice by:

Saving the lives of unborn children
Providing physical, emotional and spiritual help for women and men with unplanned pregnancies
Offering support and healing to victims of past abortions
Preventing unplanned pregnancies through abstinence education
Providing education to the community on issues regarding the sanctity of Human Life

http://pwc4life.us/index.cfm

Baby Bottle Campaign

Baby Bottle Campaigns
Yield Big Rewards
One of the easiest ways to support Parkville Women’s Clinic is through a baby bottle campaign. Simply collecting change (cash and checks too!) in a baby bottle bank provides a great way for everyone to give and serves as a visual reminder to pray for our ministry.

One friend of the ministry asked her Sunday school class to help and much to her surprise, they collected nearly $2,000!

Baby bottle campaigns can be one family or an entire congregation and can be conducted any time during the year. The clinic provides the instruction sheets and bottles - all you do is distribute and collect. Consider asking your youth, small group, church or neighbors to join you in collecting donations to save lives!

http://pwc4life.us/baby-bottle-campaign

Daddy's Girl

2014-06-16T00:00:00.003-05:00

As a little girl I dreamed of my wedding day. I dreamed of a beautiful woman, glowing in an exquisite white gown, being escorted down an aisle by the most important man in her life... her dad. MY dad.

It's interesting how we come into our own as we grow older. As a kid I was much...MUCH shyer than I am today. Insecure and tentative, I clung to my mom. A mama's girl all the way. My mom's the one who held me and comforted me. She's the one I got homesick for when I was away. But while Mom held, Dad pushed. Pushed us kids out of the house to play outside and not come back in "until the sun went down." Pushed us to think independently, stand on our own, take on responsibility, never "half-ass" anything, pick ourselves back up and GO. Go after life, our dreams, our goals.

As I have gotten older, come into my own and discovered my voice, I have noticed that it often times sounds a lot like my dad. The dad that raised his girls like sons. And by that I mean, we played catch, mowed the lawn, shoveled the driveway, worked with power tools, got dirt under our nails, etc. etc., but most of all were encouraged to have a voice. Have an opinion. Stand for something. It's not about "being a man" but about "not needing a man" to be a strong woman. I have my dad to thank for that.

He was present in his kids' lives. He wasn't perfect, but he was always present. He wasn't always lovable, but he always loved.

As I sit here typing, I have image after image from memories of a dad that was there every step of the way. And as badly as I want to start typing each one out...I will spare you for now...

Here's a memory of my dad that I'm not so fond of.

I was home for Christmas break my senior year of college. It was cold. My dad took us three kids to a Chief's game. We had to walk a long way to get to our seats in the stadium from where we had parked. When we got home, Dad couldn't get warm. He got sick. Real sick. Dad had diabetes and this kind of thing happened sometimes...but not this bad. This was really bad. Then during the middle of the night, I was frantically woken up to be told Mom was taking Dad to the hospital. To be honest, I don't remember the words...I'm never good at remembering words...but I remember visuals like they were yesterday, and I won't forget seeing my dad's blood all over the bathroom floor. It was so red. And I won't forget thinking, Is my dad about to die?

My dad had diabetes. An infection that had been in his legs moved into his blood stream causing septic shock and kidney failure. On top of that, he suffered from A-fib. So while in the hospital, his heart went out of rhythm and raced. The worse part was...I saw his face and he was giving up. I was pissed. I told him, You have to fight!

I almost lost my dad.

We spent Christmas at the hospital that year. And while that should be super depressing, I just remember laughing a lot. Thankful to be spending it all together.

But here's what I realized after that incident... I had a plan B. For my wedding day. I had a plan B. My brother would walk me down the aisle if my dad was no longer here to do it. We all have a plan B for most situations, but we don't give them much thought because we don't expect to use them. But I found myself expecting to use mine. In fact, I think sometimes my plan B was becoming my plan A. I'm not getting married any time soon, and deep down I don't think I expected my dad to live long enough.

Perk up! Here's where the story gets good.

One year later an overweight college graduate, living at home with her parents, feeling like the biggest failure ever had hit rock bottom. And there with a little bit of extra Christmas money she bought a book called "This is Why You're Fat. And how to Stay Thin Forever" Ridiculous maybe, but it worked. It wasn't the book... it was the resolve I had in my inner most being to change my life.

I decided to live. And the most beautiful thing to come from that selfish decision is that my dad decided to live too. It didn't happen right away... but it happened.

A year ago he decided to live and changed his life. It's not just about the weight loss but there is this vibrancy for life in him. We work out at the gym together sometimes, and he is like a kid in a candy store (excuse the metaphor) so excited to be pumping iron. He's got goals and drive and I love it.

A year ago I told him we would do a Father's Day 5K together, something I had dreamt of... and guess what we did yesterday? We didn't finish first, but we didn't finish last. And we did it together.

So, guess what? I tore up my Plan B and threw it away.

My dad's gonna walk his little girl down the aisle. And I will proudly hold his muscled out arm all the way.

And random pictures. ;-)

I was a cheeze-ball. SO Happy!

Always adored him

My senior year of high school next to the Homecoming Mural for the Senior Class that my dad helped me with. A tradition of ours.

Dancing at my 18th Birthday

While I ran the KC half Dad did his first 5K!

sorry they're so random

be great

2014-06-01T21:19:00.001-05:00

This morning on my way to church, I was thinking about how most people are so caught up in being good that they miss out on being great. Satisfied with not being the bad guy, they settle into a safe zone. Okay with good enough, they forgo greatness.

Then at church the first thing our pastor did was read the first two pages out of the book, The Power of Hope by Dutch Sheets

"In 1965 During a family reunion in Florida, a grandmother woke everyone at 2:00 a.m., issuing orders to get empty Coke bottles, corks, and paper. 'I've received a message from God,' she said. 'People must hear His Word.' She wrote verses on the paper while the grandchildren bottled and corked them. Then everyone deposited over two hundred bottles into the surf at Cocoa Beach.

People contacted and thanked her for the scriptures throughout the years. She died November 1974. The next month the last letter arrived.

Dear Mrs. Gause,
I'm writing this letter by candlelight. We no longer have electricity on the farm. My husband was killed in the fall when the tractor overturned. He left eleven young children and myself behind. The bank is foreclosing, there's one loaf of bread left, there's snow on the ground, and Christmas is two weeks away. I prayed for forgiveness before I went to drown myself. The river has been frozen over for weeks, so I didn't think it would take long. When I broke the ice, a Coke bottle floated up. I opened it, and with tears and trembling hands, I read about hope.
Ecclesiastes 9:4
'But for him who is joined to all the living there is hope, for a living dog is better than a dead lion.'
You went on to reference other scriptures: Hebrews 7:19; 6:18; John 3:3. I came home and read my Bible and now I'm thanking God for the message. We're going to make it now. Please pray for us, but we're all right.
May God bless you and yours.
A Farm in Ohio

How did this life-saving Coke bottle make a nine-year journey all the way from Cocoa Beach, Florida, to a rive in Ohio? Not just any river, mind you, but the right rive, near the right farm, at the right time."

Greatness often looks like crazy. Like a crazy old grandma waking up at 2:00 a.m. and making her family help her deposit 200 messages of hope into the surf.

Greatness is crazy. It's not safe. Greatness is walking on water. Not because it's humanly possible, but because with God anything is possible. Because when we fix our eyes on Him and we stop trying to please the world and every person in it... He can use us to reach and touch and change the world.

Greatness is selfless. It's loving your neighbor as you love yourself. It's dying on a cross for all sins. I mean think about it. Jesus didn't come to earth concerned about what people would think of Him. Rather He literally became the ultimate bad guy. He took on all of our sins, was hated and crucified. Greatness is living The Crucified Life (which sidenote, is the name of an amazing book I highly recommend to ALL!).

Here's the deal, I don't want a good life. I want a great life. I don't want safe. I want adventure. I don't want comfort. I want radical. I don't want to be the most liked person. I want to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves. I don't want to live a life about me. I want to live for Him, for His Glory.

It's always easier said than done. This I know. As a girl I was the ultimate "good girl." Utterly safe. But safe doesn't do much and as I grow older and more confident in my faith, I find myself with an unnatural courage that I can only credit God for. His voice, not mine. For His greatness, not mine.

Inspiration to Fruition

2014-04-13T15:21:00.001-05:00

My best friend and I moved into an apartment back in November to be closer to our jobs, cut down on all the driving to and from work and you know to try and be real life "grown ups." The process of finding the right apartment was a whirlwind but God had his hand on it all and we really ended up at the perfect spot for the two of us. Nothing fancy but we feel pretty blessed.

We're doing things on a budget... obviously, so we've been piecing things together bit by bit trying to make the place feel like home. Lots of people were really generous and gave us lots of odds and end furniture, appliances, cookware, etc. Now that we've been living there for about 5 months things are coming together a bit more and some art is making it on the walls.

A couple months ago I was in Fort Worth, TX visiting friends and stumbled upon this super cool store on West 7th Street called Wrare.

I pretty much loved everything inside the store and while I restrained myself to buying a single decorative piece for the apartment... and a couple cards, I think the best thing I left with from the store was this inspiration:

How ingenious. Hanging a collection of standard clipboards with pieces of a picture attached that when put together create one large image. Easy-peasy.

So, when I got home it was my turn to bring this to life in our apartment. I went to Office Max and literally cleared out their Clip Boards and then went back a week later to get a couple more. Luckily I am a designer and have access to some programs that make it a little easier for me to set up and print out the chopped up image as needed. Originally we had selected an image of a bunch of trees in a forest but I think it was too dark and too "organic" so it didn't require the lines to match up to really create the impact I was looking for. So, we selected a new picture:

Apparently, I have a current obsession for elephants that is increasingly growing and now filling our apartment... oops. But look at these lovable giants!

My steps after selecting the image:
1. turned image black and white

2. set up art boards in illustrator that mimicked the clipboard layout (my cipboards were the standard size to hold 8.5x11" paper)

3. place image across art boards

4. set up image for each page... and print. (I printed the images on 11x17" paper and cut out so that they would be the full 8.5x11" size. If you print on 8.5x11 paper there will be a white boarder where the printer can't print on the paper.)

5. hang clip boards (we drew a diagram of the wall we were putting the clipboards on and did all the math and planning before putting any nails in the wall. Once we had it all figured out we put in the nails and then hung the boards. Always plan first. No surprises)

6. clip your art up. make sure you have all your images organized or... it's not gonna work right. May become a bit of a puzzle if you don't keep them in order from the beginning.
When I was hanging up the pictures of the elephants I was too close to see it coming together and I was getting so bummed. My roommate was in the kitchen watching and tried to assure me it was coming together but I just couldn't see it. Then I stepped back and was like...

Walla!

There it is... Pinterest that!
I just love how you can get inspired anywhere, anytime, but you have to keep your eyes open.

What are you creating? Where have you been inspired?

just and ad?

2014-02-25T22:11:00.000-06:00

It wasn't the first time I had gotten lost in time scrolling through and watching Nike ads. If you know me at all... you know I am a tad bit OBSESSED with NIKE!!! Nike everything.

This time I was viewing all of the "Find Your Greatness" videos when I began to watch the "Jogger." Within seconds I was frozen. Sucked in. Grasping on to every word.

At the end of that minute and three seconds I wiped away the tears that had fallen down my face and smiled.

That kid was me. I didn't start running. On the journey to find my greatness I took many (many) steps and those steps often looked like walking... or shuffling. I found my greatness, not someone else's. It has it's own look and the steps to get there were all their own. And that journey continues every day.

I just hope that somewhere on this journey I have the opportunity to work for/with Nike. This "brand" has been such a positive influence in my life and on my journey that I want to be a part of that for others. At the end of this... "ad," I was clearly touched by how accurately it had captured a piece of me but what I was really thinking was, "That's what I want to do." I want to be a part of changing people's lives. I want to create something that encourages, motivates and inspires others to live their best lives!

The advertising/marketing world is flooded with crap. It can be very discouraging. But, there are some gems and this is what I want to do. This is what I want to be a part of. An ad that is more than an ad.

My First Date

2014-02-09T23:46:00.000-06:00

dating is so awkward

My first date...
It was the standard, "Dinner and a Movie" date... although the movie came first and then we had dinner. The movie was my pick and clearly nothing he would have seen on his own but he enjoyed it because he was with me.

Now, here's where it gets interesting because I had the flu. I know, why'd I go if I had the flu? All I can say is I had been looking forward to this date for awhile and I wasn't going to let something like the flu ruin it. I survived the movie, but by the time we got to dinner I was a wee bit worse for wear. I was doing my best to keep it together. He took us to Red Lobster and I can't be 100% what I ordered but I do know I maybe had two bites of it. They had some special fruity drink that came in a cool glass that you could keep so we both had those as well. It's silly, but I felt special... and horrible at the same time (literally and figuratively).

I am sure we weren't there for too terribly long, especially since I wasn't really eating. He was sweet and understanding about me toughing it through but knew it was time to get me home.

And here's where is gets real good.

With our to-go boxes in tow, we headed out of the restaurant. Then, as we hit the entry way, right before leaving... I barfed... everywhere... like a lot. nice.

and here's the kicker... as I am mortified and exhausted, the workers bring out the mop to start cleaning and they clearly had no idea what they were doing so... he offers to mop it up.

yeah, my date mopped up my vomit at the end of our night. And he was a prince about it.

Technically, I should have stayed home that night, but I'll never forget that date or that man. I'll compare all others to him. He set the bar pretty high... but he did that my whole life because he's my dad.

This past week my parents were cleaning out the cupboards and getting rid of stuff. My dad sent me a picture of our glasses from my "first date" and asked if I wanted them... uh... duh!!! Most valuable drinking glasses in the whole world!

I was 8 when my dad took me on our "Father-Daughter Date." The movie was The Amazing Panda Adventure and we had dinner and a "show" at the Red Lobster on Barry Road. I'm so blessed to have such a great dad who invested so much into my life. Now, he and I have weekly dates at the gym working on our fitness (I'll post more about that later).

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Start Somewhere

2014-01-20T13:01:00.000-06:00

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I think drawing is like running for me... the longer I go without doing it... the more intimidating it becomes.

I've found that when I just run for myself it's more like therapy than fitness. It's like the world fades away and I have the clearest thoughts... that same thing happens to me when I get lost in an art piece. So the question would obviously be, "Why don't you do it more if it makes you so happy?"

Time.

...and then fear.
I'm a bit of a perfectionist and and over-thinker and sometimes when I should just put pen to paper and do something, even if it's just a doodle I make it more complicated than it should be and I talk myself out of it. You know the saying, "Use it or lose it." I get scared that... I've lost it. That by letting the time slip by I won't be able to draw anymore. uhhh... that's fear and if you read my last blog... that's a lie. I mean yes, I am so out of practice but the gift I was born with is still up in there and I have to get out of my stupid, little head and JUST DO IT.

Back in December I made this glorious discovery. I was in the West Bottoms looking for some unique items for the new apartment and I kept walking by this beautiful drawing table. I wasn't in the hunt for a drawing table... but it didn't care. It asked me to take a seat and as I brushed my hand across it's surface a tear fell from my eyes and it took all I had not to lose it right there. Soooo... I bought it.

It needs a few repairs and the back still has to be stained but it's my baby and I love it.

So, now with a drawing table and having collected all my supplies from my parents' house I'm ready to get creating. But of course as life throws out it's demands on your time it's easy to start pushing things without deadlines back and back. This is why I am really excited about a little creative challenge for 2014 that I am doing with some friends from work. We were all discussing how we wanted to be creating more even if it was just something small. You gotta start somewhere! So, here it is. Each week we have a new word that we have to create something related to it. That's really all the guidelines. Create whatever you want. We have a little show and tell on friday and then are posting them on instagram and facebook with the hashtag #WeeklyWordPlay2014.

Our first word was "Elephant." I picked the word and I may have a thing for elephants...
Above is the elephant I created on watercolor paper with sharpie and watercolors. It was super simple... but I just didn't want to think about it too much. I really just sat down and went for it.
Below is the gorgeous Elephant my friend Lauren created with pastels! (Click here to see her site)

Anyway, so here I am trying to live by the words from my last blog about fear and saying you just gotta start somewhere. Get out of your head, don't over think it and just do it.

I look forward to creating and sharing with you all!

Fear is a Liar

2014-01-15T13:03:00.000-06:00

I am afraid of heights.

As a child it was a big enough push for me to climb to the top of a big slide to go down it. So, you never would have caught me being the dare devil on the jungle gym or climbing up to leap out onto the "fireman's pole" and then slide down. Heck no! Roller coaster... no! Even the Farris Wheel was a no go. I let my fear debilitate me.

Then in the 5th grade I became friends with Al. Back then I was a lot shier and quieter than I am now. But similar to now, I just wasn't very cool. But, Al, she was pretty cool. She and her best friend Mal were in my class and they befriended me. And we turned our cubby holes into houses for their miniature pig stuffed animal. And we made miniature things for this pig, like magazines (because that's what you do in the 5th grade). And we played a lot of four/two square at recess. And we became friends. Then the coolest thing ever happened to me at the end of that school year. See Al and another long time friend of hers had birthdays at the end of the school year only a couple days apart. So, they celebrated them together and that year they were going to World's of Fun to celebrate and they each got to take two friends... and Al picked me! Without getting all mushy about how much that meant to that awkward, pudgy, overall wearing 5th grader... I'll just say, she was pretty darn excited.

Overalls!!!

Now if you pause and start to put the pieces together you might realize that I was still scared of heights... and heights are kind of the whole point of Amusement Parks with... Roller Coasters.

Here's the deal... Fear is a Liar. Fear says you can't do something.
But here's the cool thing. When you stop and stare fear in the face and tell it to sit down and shut up... get ready for the biggest rush!

So, I went to that birthday party at World's of Fun and the very first ride we did was... the Mamba.
(Named for one of the fastest and most feared snakes in Africa, the Mamba is one of the tallest, longest and fastest roller coasters in the world. They say it's a "state-of-the-art scream machine" whose first hill takes riders over 200 feet above the ground and flings them toward the earth at 75 miles per hour.)

It was a blast. The greatest rush. The biggest "high."

A pic of all of us just outside of Worlds Of Fun. Pretty much amazing!

Here's what I learned.
Tell fear to shut up.
Get in line.
And just do it.
No "Chicken Lane."

As I have gotten older I have been able to apply this to so many things.
Sign up. Get in line. Show up. Start.

I share all this because last month (I originally wrote this just after my race... I am now posting months later because I finally got my lovely throwback pics to post with... just go with it) I completed my second half marathon. It was about a year ago that I signed up for my first half marathon which I completed in April 2013 in SanFrancisco. I had to train for that run in some pretty frigid conditions but overall I really enjoyed the whole training process and felt really good going into that run. And then when it came down to the actual run, it was rough. The trip to San Fran was great. I loved the people I did it with and there were good things about the run (like running across the Golden Gate Bridge) but at the end of it I was... disappointed.

I signed up to do the KC Half Marathon for a couple reasons. One, redemption. I wanted a better run with a better time. I had learned my lessons from that first run and I wanted to do better. Two, family. I wanted my family to see me do it.

Training for this half started three months ago. And almost right away... I was not enjoying it. Running in the heat of summer was rough. That heat just sucks the energy out of you. It was hard feeling like I had lost so much of my endurance that I had built up in the spring. Before, every new long run was one mile further than I had ever run so there was a bit of a high and excitement to it... I didn't have that this time. They just felt long. And I wanted to be doing other things. When you are running this much it's difficult to work on building strength as well... and I want to get strong. I want to lift heavy things. About halfway through my training I got some new shoes and had some good runs and I was feeling rejuvenated about the whole thing... and then I had to do some traveling and it threw off my schedule a bit and then it was back to not enjoying all the running. I was getting to a point where I just couldn't stand running. Ah!

After my ten mile run I was sick for about 4 hours.
I have degenerative discs in my lower back and I was really feeling the pain.
And the night I did 12 miles my pants' waistband rubbed me raw around my entire waist and I fell at about mile 9 totally tearing up my knee. I remember in that moment thinking... I could quit this is a legitimate excuse to just stop. But...

Here's what I've learned through all this. I'm not a quitter. If I sign up, if I show up, if I start... I'm gonna finish. I may quit a thousand times in my head... but I'll battle with my flesh and I'll keep going.

Mommy and Bubby before starting

Best Running Partners and Perfect Friends!

So, after a not so glamorous three months of training I showed up on Saturday, October 19th at 6am in the freezing cold. And while there were definitely moments I thought of some great excuses to quit in my head while running... I didn't stop, I didn't walk. Rather, I had a really great run that I'm not only proud of but I enjoyed it. Like really enjoyed it. During training I was starting to think I never wanted to do another half again and as I finished I knew I'd find myself out there again. Probably not in the near future, but definitely again. (I have my eyes on that Nike half)

Why did I enjoy this half so much more than the other? Some reasons I'll never know because every run is different and sometimes you just can't predict or plan for what you'll end up facing. But this time around I had the knowledge of my previous mistakes and I relaxed the day before the race, I drank lots of water, I ate pancakes the night before. Plus, this run was in the cold so I didn't have to worry about over heating like before and the hills were nothing like San Fran (OMG). What I really think made the biggest difference was that I ran this whole thing with my friend Barbara by my side. There's something to be said for not doing something alone. Those moments when I wanted to pull back a bit she was right there for me to keep pace with. Running can definitely be a solo sport, but gosh it's so much better as a team. The feeling of crossing the finish line and having her right there to share that moment with was what the whole thing is about. We embraced each other and had a joyful cry.

Daddy and me before the start and Dad crossing the finish line of his 5K

I also got to think about my dad. While I was running the half he was doing his first 5K. Plus, my family was there to see me and there's just something special about that. My grandpa even went out days before the race and scouted the course for the perfect spots to see me run by. We had it all planned out where he would be so I could see him. As I approached mile 5 I knew exactly where to find him and I ran up and got a high five from him. Then on mile 9... ugh, I kind of ran past and forgot to look... oops. But still, I knew he had been there and I knew that my grandpa got to see his girl running.

Just about done!

Anywho, I know I'm blabbing on about the race and you're like... "I thought we were talking about fear." The point is that I didn't want to do that race. I was afraid of it. Afraid of failing. But you know what's worse than failing... not trying. Not signing up. Not showing up. Not starting.

Just do it. And if you fall on your butt, get up and do it again. Because you can.

You never grow if you're never challenged.

So, what is it? What do you want? What do you dream about?
Is it a dream job?
Is it and idea you've had on your heart for so long but you just don't know...?
We all have that something. What's yours?
Go get it!

Make some Magic.

at first glance

2013-10-10T00:18:00.003-05:00

I've always been a "long-hair" girl. At this point, it's just kind of a part of me. An identifier.

Bethany = long, brown hair.

My sophomore year of college, I chopped off my hair.
Not boy-short, but above the shoulders.
I was happy with it for a while, but then I realized something...
When I met someone new, they didn't know I was a "long-hair" girl. Suddenly this identifier was taken away. The Bethany they knew was short, brown hair Bethany. I found myself wanting to tell them that I used to have really long hair. That I had always had long hair. That I wasn't a short-hair girl.

It was like…word vomit. Without even thinking it through, I found myself explaining. Because if we're truly getting to know each other, you need to know that I am a "long hair" girl.

"I haven't always been this size." "I used to weigh more." "I've lost a lot of weight." "I used to be bigger."

word vomit

Every person I meet from this point on will only know me as fit Bethany. That's great, but it's just a snapshot. I find myself at different points with people—feeling like I have to explain how I got to where I am now so they better understand me.

For the most part I try not to throw it on people right away; but rather, as the relationship/friendship grows and they find out more about me, it will come up and be explained. But then there are times like when I'm at the gym and someone approaches me and asks if I used to be some kind of athlete or if I am training for something... and I'm like... ugh… well, ya see...

And then there are those that I know that at first glance, I'm just a pretty face.
The sweet life is assumed.
"You must have guys coming up to you all the time." "You must have been so popular." "You must have had so many boyfriends". "You must have always gotten your way." "You must have…"

uhh... you must be wrong.

I know more about being invisible…than I know about being seen.
I know more about being forgotten…than I know about being remembered.

It's not just a size thing but rather my personality. I love to be boisterous and entertain and have fun with those I know, but my comfort zone is pulled back. The observer.
I'd rather say nothing than say too much.

I'm more than a pretty face.

I'm intelligent. Not a genius, true, but not an idiot.
I have a sense of humor... a few may even say I'm funny (not my sister, but some do. lol)
I am one that does things on purpose. I value my time and don't do things casually.
I am competitive... ugh, sometimes to a fault (some of you know some funny stories to go with that)
I love being active, but I have also ALWAYS been a cuddler.
I value myself while caring deeply for others—like deep down to the soul type of caring.
I have an itch for adventure and I want to travel the world. Unending curiosity.
(thanks dad for helping me with that list. ^)

I have a hard time with others assuming things about me that are not true. I am learning to let go of that need to explain. I am too delicate to throw my "pearls before swine," and I remind myself that other people's opinions of me are none of my business. For my identity is in Christ alone.

At first glance we may appear to be…

but take another look…

you may like what you see…

Dear Trey,

2013-09-10T12:56:00.001-05:00

I've started this letter at least a dozen times over the last year, but every time I get overwhelmed with all I want to say so that I never finish it. With your recent promotion and, therefore, transfer of gyms from our beloved home spot of Gladstone 24 to Independence 24, and with you no longer teaching kick boxing, I felt this a good time to finally get it out. So, excuse me as I try to find my words to ultimately say, thank you.

You're the first person to ever call me "athletic." And regardless of it being true or not and regardless of whether or not you meant it... I believed it. You released the best in me. You found the fighter inside of me that I always felt was there. And you empowered me to be strong and fight. Working out was no longer a means to an end or something I had to do, but rather it became a way of life and what I have to do... what I get to do.

You wanna know how I know I'll never be fat again? Because I don't workout to lose weight. I workout and eat healthy because I'm an athlete, and I want my body to perform the best it can. If this was only about losing weight, it would be torture because, as you have learned in working with me, I don't lose weight easily. While that can and has been difficult, I'm okay because I love living an active lifestyle. And you were key to giving me that. You made working out fun. You connected me with a community of people that I could be active with. You took interest in my life outside the gym. For goodness sakes... you gave me "boy homework" to push me out of my shell and "trained" me on how to flirt! ha! You made that stinky old Gladstone 24 hour gym home. You bragged on me and made me feel like I belonged. You believed in me and you made me believe in myself.

What is that saying from Star Wars? Something like, "strong in you the force is." Something like that. Well, the force in you is strong. Trey, I just know that God has a calling on your life. You're something special, like really special. And I don't say this about a lot of people; in fact, it's very rare. But it's just crazy how I feel this mantel on your life. Of course you have to accept it, and it doesn't mean life will be easy, but it does mean it will be powerful beyond your hopes. I pray you find the truth.

It was fate that I got matched up with your crazy butt as my trainer all that time ago. And now you're family. Even if ya don't like it. The deal is you mean the world to me. I value your opinion and I respect you. No matter where life takes us, you hold a special place in my heart (I just can't help it) and I'll always have your back. I want the very best that God has for your life. Nothing short of that. No settling. No second best.

There are certain places that I go where I feel safe because either my dad or brother are there or because the people there know my dad and brother and watch out for me the same way. That's the way I feel about the gym. Even though I haven't been able to consistently train with you, there is a certain comfort that I have knowing you are there. That you have my back and would look out for me. So, this is going to be weird with you leaving. I'll have to find a new normal but don't think I won't be bugging you out there in Independence.

You're a part of my journey, you're a key player in my story, and I'm better for knowing you. Thank you.

Your friend,
Bethany

All those Saturday morning bootcamps at the beginning.

That one time you left 24 Hour... and then came back.

That one time in Kickboxing when I knocked the bag off the hook.

Last kickboxing class at Bill Brown's Karate.

We Laugh

2013-08-17T19:17:00.000-05:00

Mi Familia... we're not normal... but then, that's kind of what makes us normal... right?

If I've learned anything about family it's that there is no "normal" family. There is no "perfect" family. And family isn't always the one you are born to.

For most of us, growing up is all about fitting in. Then when we get older and realize that fitting in sucks, it's all about finding and embracing the things that made us so special to begin with.

It's kind of like that for me and my family. Growing up I just wanted us to be "normal," to fit in and now it is all the crazy weird stuff about us that I love so much.

And while we fight and bicker and sometimes absolutely despise each other... we also love. We love deep. We love strong.

... and WE LAUGH!

The Sextons:

We're funny... I mean, most of us are, but we all have a good sense of humor. It's that sarcastic, dry sense of humor.

We're jacks of all trades and have a vast knowledge of random unimportant things.

We're not miniature people... ha. To say the least. We're big people, yep I said it. Now, my dad and brother are over six foot. In fact growing up I thought all guys ended up being over six foot when full grown... imagine my disappointment... lol. We're built for hard labor, lifting heavy things, and we don't mind getting dirty. Neanderthals.

We're loud. Whispering just is not our gifting. So, sometimes when we fought/when we fight... you bet our neighbors heard us... oh yeah, we be those classy neighbors.

We're like super passionate people who have strong convictions and will stand up for them.

We're loyal. Maybe to a fault... but that's okay. Friends and family... we've got your back. Through thick and thin when everyone else deserts you... turn around cuz you've got a Sexton behind you. I can't tell you how many times I have seen my family stand by a friend or family member in the darkest of hours even when the favor isn't generally returned.

We're a little red neck. Growing up in small town America I fought this label a lot because most people relate small town with small mind... so wrong! Now I... we, embrace the fact that we're a little red neck. The Sextons have gone country.

Here's how Henna broke down some of our specific little random quirks: Mom laughs at everything, Dad has gas, Caleb has fairy dust (that makes it impossible to be upset with him), Bey (that's me) can't do accents, and Henna can't spell.

THE END

(Kind of)

An example of our craziness.
A snapshot of the immediate response I got to requesting some help on this blog.

So, you can see we are also all extremely mature and would never find flatulance comical. ...haha. Flatulance, now that's a funny word.

Oh, and a shout out to BakerBaker Photography who took these lovely family photos for us back in June. We were WAY overdue!

The Run

2013-08-08T17:57:00.005-05:00

There was a guy holding a sign that said, "Jesus Loves You." I started to tear up. I'm not one to cry over "Jesus Loves You" signs, but this one was on the first mile of my first half marathon as I was running beside one of my dearest friends, next to the Pacific Ocean, with the Golden Gate Bridge in my site and two years of changing my entire life behind me. Let's just say... emotions were high. It was Jesus' love for me that had gotten me to take that first step and it would be His love for me that would guide my next.

Now, there were some funny signs too.
"You can't quit, you're not the pope."
"Shoe Sale Ahead"
"I like your stamina. Call me."
etc.

I'm not what one would call a "natural" runner. Let's just say I'm built more like a Clydesdale than a Mustang. But who cares?! Clydesdales can still run! So, there I was in San Francisco running the Rock n' Roll Half Marathon with four fantastic friends and a great view. With our training behind us, our custom matching shirts on and pre-race photos taken we were ready to rock n' roll.

Miles 1-3 were definitely the most enjoyable for me. This is probably because the rest of the journey would literally be an "up hill" battle. Ha! I was totally taking in the views and just trying to soak the whole experience up. Also, Lauren and I ran side-by-side through miles 1-3 so it was nice having her there and we'd point out different sites to each other.

This was about where mile 3 ended... I think. In good spirits and thinking sticking out my tongue would be a good look for me... ugh? :)

Then as we literally turned the corner to mile 4 and the San Francisco hills began. 4-5 were up, up, up. Moments like that I was thankful for every hill I trained on and all the time spent on the stair-master. Buns of steel! I did find that I passed more people on the hills than anywhere else but with that said there is no doubt those hills slowed my final pace.

5-6 brought us up and over the Golden Gate Bridge. Now, that's a view for your morning run! At this point I'm feeling pretty good and ready to kick it in as I approached that halfway mark. I knew my pace was coming in slower than I had wanted given the hills and the fact that I may have been enjoying the views a bit too much in those first miles. After crossing the bridge one way they then had us go off road to a dirt path that went down and under the bridge and then to start off mile 7 it was a LONG... STEEP hill back up to cross the bridge back. Yikes! Lordy, Lordy, I felt that.

Coming up on mile 6 (ish)

I hit mile 8 almost exactly halfway across the bridge on the return over. I knew I had a little downhill coming to me and I was ready to stick it to the last 5. And that's when the side cramp from Hades set in. Yeah, awesome!

I prayed for it to go away. I could have cried. In another circumstance I would have stopped, but that wasn't even an option. After a little while I started to feel the pain fade a bit and as I fostered some hope the pain jumped to the other side. It hurt most going down any hill. (I know!) Somewhere between miles 8-10 I just accepted it and found a pace to work with it. It was also on mile 10 that I distinctly remember answering a question I had asked myself during training... "Do I want to run a full marathon?" My reply at mile 10 of my half, "Hell no!"

Just out for a stroll.

Mile 10: 3 more left. 3 miles... That number seemed so small and yet so big in that moment. 3 miles, I run that ALL the time. Just knock it out, day in and day out. 3 miles, that's home base. 3 miles after 10... Ugh.... To be honest, I was done soaking in the view. Screw the view. I wanted the fast forward button to the finish line where I could soak in being done. Yay, celebrate. Nope. Not yet.

The last two miles were right next to the water, practically on the beach. It really was beautiful and here I had that mix of trying to make sure I took it all in and at the same time... I was ready to be done.

Clearly a very attractive runner. ;)
By looking at these pics I realized how much I stare at the ground in front of me when I run... don't know if that's a bad thing or not?

Man, when that last mile came, it was like... here we go... let's do the dang thang. Two things. One I ran with my Nike+ app which is synced to a chip in my shoe to track my distance and pace throughout the run. And as with every run, what you run is always actually a bit different than the official race length. My chip is pretty accurate and it had my distance at 13.55 compared to the official 13.1. Not bad... but trust me... that additional .45 mile... it was felt. No doubt. Second, there was a nice little hill right there at the end that if I were to run up it any other day it may seem like nothing, but on that day, at that time... I kind of hated it.

So right after that little hill we came over a bend and started to enter the official race gates. So, I'm thinking the finish is just after this bend in the path because my app is telling me I am almost to 13.1 and now I'm in these gate things... so I click on the turbo boosters with just a tad bit of juice saved for the finish... and when I come around that bend I see that I still have about... .45 of a mile to go... eek. Didn't have that much turbo juice in the pack. But, I tell ya what, you get 400 meters out from that glorious finish line and excuse my french... "it's balls to the wall" (what does that even mean?) And so I sprinted to that dang finish line.

The Finish

Done.

Get medal.

Take official picture.

Grab food.

Grab drink.

It's a crowded hot mess.

Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

Find friends.

Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

And then your body is like, "Oh hey, you suck."

Exhausted and sore and yet, amped up all at the same time.

It's time for everyone to share their story of the half.

My results via my Nike+ app: Distance- 13.55 miles, Time- 1:56:53, Pace- 8'37" per mile.

Official Run Results: Time- 1:56:51, Overall: 945 out of 5803, Division: 88 out of 702, Gender: 334 out of 3604, Pace- 8'55" per mile

done

Can I be honest with you?

Right after the run... I was pissed. I was so upset with my time. It just ate at me.

It's not that it was a bad time, it just was not the time I had wanted.

I had an expectation of myself, while I may not have verbalized it with the world, I had an inner expectation of myself to have a faster pace. I was frustrated that I had gotten the stomach cramp. I was angry with myself for not pushing harder at the beginning. etc....

And that is just crazy!!! Now that I am training for my second half marathon I have even more appreciation for what I accomplished in training and completing my first half. Here's the thing, train all you want, but come race day you have to know that every run is different. I have run three miles and it felt like human torture and I have run nine miles and it felt beautiful. You just never know and the fact that my pace was like... 20sec slower than I wanted... I'll survive.

No, I did not run in those fabulous earrings. Ha! But yes, we did rock some crazy makeup/face paint. After the run we went and changed out of our soaking wet clothes and then went back to walk around and I bought these earrings from a street vendor that was set up and then along the way one of the race photographers got a pic of us together.

The other day I was talking with a friend who has done a half before and I hadn't shared with her yet my experience. She said, "It sucked didn't it?" and I was like... "Yup." I mean there were parts of it that were good but 13.1 miles is not to be underestimated and I think I had. In my training I had started to devalue just how far 13.1 miles was, mainly to make it an obtainable goal, but what it also did was make me underestimate the fuel I needed to complete the task. This next time around I plan on having more fuel in me for the run and possibly running with something to eat part way through.

While there were some rough parts of the run, it was a great experience that I am happy to have. I mean, I ran a half marathon in San Francisco across the Golden Gate Bridge and I got to do it with some really cool people. It's just exciting living a life of adventure. Say yes. Challenge yourself. Be okay with failing. Keep going. But most importantly, put your trust in God and just see where He will take you.

I'll have to post more pics later... cuz I have A LOT!

Transformation Tuesday: More Than a Number

2013-04-30T23:54:00.001-05:00

In the "Instagram" world today is "Transformation Tuesday." So, in light of recently hitting the 100lbs lost mark I thought I would jump on this bandwagon and share. The thing is, though, that what I have to share is so much more than a silly number. I mean really you probably couldn't see a big difference between 95 and 100 pounds. And if I were to hop on a scale right now I can't guarantee it would hit the 100 lbs lost mark exactly because I'm always dancing around in a 5lb range. In fact, the day I officially hit that mark I didn't even realize it until later on in the day when I did the math and it hit me I had officially lost 100. That number just is not important to me. But the journey to reach that number has been everything.

You don't have to be a fitness nut to lose weight and be healthy, I just fell in love with being active. I love seeing just how far I can push it... and then testing that limit again and again to see growth. Along the way I found my inner athlete and my competitive nature was unleashed. But, this journey goes beyond "fitness."

You want to know what the absolute coolest part of this whole sha-bang has been? Connecting with other people! Inspiring other people to work to be their best selves. Seeing the ripple affect of my life change boggles my mind. Every time I have someone tell me how I have inspired them it just blesses me to pieces! When I started my journey it was for very selfish reasons in wanting to achieve and reach goals for myself. I wanted to get healthy for me. However, the process of getting healthy has created an amazing platform to touch and reach others.

All I, really, want in life is to help others chase after their dreams and be the very best version of themselves. Too many people settle for second best because for whatever reason they think that's all they deserve. WRONG! You are a child of God and He has a will and a plan for your life that far exceeds anything you could ever imagine for yourself. So, don't settle! Fight! Don't give up. Be relentless. It doesn't mean it will be an easy path, but it will be SOOOO worth it. You are worth it!

That message goes beyond fitness. If you're in a bad relationship... you deserve better. Maybe you're in an "okay" relationship... guess what... you deserve better! Do you hate your job? Whatever it is, don't settle for second best. Set goals and work hard to accomplish them. Nothing is going to be handed to you but anything worth having is worth working hard for.

The exciting thing is that for every goal I hit I have many more ahead of me. My life is going to be an adventure. If someone were to write about it... you'd want to read the book!

I don't want to be the girl that just lost a bunch of weight... and now she's pretty... and now she's acceptable to the world. NO, I want people to say, "Woa! That's a woman of God." And if the description ends at that, I am over joyed. Who cares what other silly worldly things I accomplish if I don't Love God and Love people!

When I look at old photos you know what I see?... a lot of smiling. I was never a sad fat girl. (I really want people who didn't know me from before to know that!) I was just stuck. I think anyone that knew me before can attest to me being a joyful person. I've always been beautiful because my beauty was defined by something deep inside me, but being overweight caused me to hold back and miss out on certain things out of fear and insecurities. I held back because of my weight, but now I am all in. Ready for the adventure called life.

Sidenote: All my "before" photos are from me at my biggest which happened around the Spring Semester of my Junior year of college (spring '09) to about when I started to get healthy which was January 2011. I was overweight for most of my life but really got large during that time period. I can remember weighing 180 in 6th grade and I think I was at 200 by high school and graduated high school at about 215-220 and then that gradually went up and then really jumped spring '09.

I WILL

2013-04-05T15:18:00.004-05:00

I WILL run a half marathon.
There is a great multitude of things we all CAN do, but what really matters and where greatness is found within us, is what we WILL do. I could run a half marathon a while ago, but this weekend... I WILL.

I am hopping on a plane in just a couple hours with some friends and we are headed out to San Francisco for the SanFran Rock 'N Roll half marathon. After months of amping up my running and focusing my training the real hard work is done and now it's time to go have some fun!

To train for my first Half Marathon I roughly followed the Higdon Novice2 Half Marathon Training plan. I still kept a lot of my normal workouts in throughout the week and just added in more running. Did the three shorter to midrange runs during the week where I could push my pace a bit and then did my long runs on Saturday where I grew my endurance.

Here are some snap shots of my Saturday Runs.

With the low temperatures I had the pleasure to train in A LOT of my runs were done in this here sweatshirt.

I remember this run because it was during my 7 day challenge to go NO SUGAR to break some bad habits I was starting to pick up. That means carbs too. I did allow myself a Granny Smith Apple and an occasional sweet potato. That run I was definitely running on empty. It almost hurt.

Another one of my favorite outdoor running tops for the winter weather. Around Christmas time I picked up this great Nike turtleneck, the Nike orange sweatshirt above, a Nike Green long sleeved top below and the UA long pants to run in outside since I knew I'd have to rough it in some cold weather. So glad I did!!! I ran in some crazy weather through all this!

I remember I was really happy at the end of this run because I hit exactly 7 miles right at an hour which was my goal. Hoping to be able to keep an 8'30" per mile pace or lower for the race. We'll see how that goes with the terrain and adrenaline and nerves all combined.

Nike Running top... yes I have an obsession with Nike.

Fun Under Armor Pants!

This 5K was a blast and a good break to the long runs. It worked out perfectly because the same weekend I was scheduled to do a 5K race I also had to be in Houston for a friend's wedding. I stayed with Lauren who is doing the Half Marathon with me and following the same running plan so she found us a 5K to run in together. That weekend also happened to be the beginning weekend of the month long Rodeo in Houston so we signed up for Rodeo Run which kicked off the whole thing. Costumes were encouraged and when we found these purple lycra pants the day before we knew it was destiny! They were pretty fabulous, but I have to say I was super nervous to run in them (SO TIGHT!). It all worked out great though. There was a huge crowd there cheering on the runners which was a big energy boost and they all loved our pants... of course, so it was fun to hear all the "Go Purple Pants" shout outs. We ended up completing the run with a pretty good pace, had a blast doing it, and rocked our crazy pants!

This may have been one of my favorite (or at least one of my favorite) long runs. I just remember it feeling so good and when I finished I felt like I could have just kept on going and going. That's always a great feeling.

My first run in the new shoes that will take me across the finish line. These poor guys got broken in quick.

Without a doubt my least favorite run on them all! I felt every mile and I didn't enjoy a single one of them. It was rainy and gross, but hey I had been running in single digit temperatures and snow, so what was a little rain? I decided to switch up my location to mix things up and make sure I wasn't getting too comfortable with my route, so I went to the KC Downtown Airport. I hated it. Don't know if it was the weather, the location... don't know. I just didn't like it... but I did it and I did not stop. So, with that I think it was good for me to know that I could push through a rough run like that.

This week I was supposed to do a 10K race but I could not find one!! So, I signed up for the Big12 5K that was going on that weekend downtown by the Sprint Center. Thought it would be fun to rep my TCU Horned Frogs and I planned on doing the route twice to get my 10K in. It didn't work out for me to go through twice and the race was okay, but I did get to see an old friend from high school. I'm pretty sure everyone that saw me in purple just thought I was a KState fan... boo. Go Frogs!

Now this one was a fun route because I ran from my house in Smithville to my best friend's house in Kansas City. The night before the run I was talking to my dad about wanting to do a different route and throwing around some ideas with him. He then said, "Why don't you run to Kinsey's?" It normally take me about 15min or so to drive to her house so I thought she was farther away, but when I googled it... 10.8 miles. Perfect. In fact from my door step to hers on the route I took it's more like 10.5 so I had to run past her house and then back, but it worked out. It was really cool to put a visual to the distance I was covering. Had some good hills to go over coming out of Smithville and had a couple good encouraging drivers that passed by that gave me a good energy boost. At mile 8 was feeling great.. and then some precipitation started coming down... of course.. but it wasn't too bad at that point. Then when I was about a mile and a half away I was running in a blizzard! Not just running in it but actually running against it. I had to put my head down as the snow was collecting on my face and in my eyes. The last mile was literally up the steepest hill, in snow, against the wind... With all that though it was a good run and aside from the final moments I had fun doing it.

The last big run and I had to test out a few new items. New fun pants for the run and a water bottle with a pouch for my phone. Wanted to make sure they both could go the distance and not drive me crazy! Love the pants they were great. These are my first pick for the run but I have two backups... just in case. Then for the water bottle I was nervous about a couple things: that my arm/back would hurt from the weight, complications with having my phone in the pouch since I play my music from my phone and use my Nike+ app on it, that I wouldn't really even need the water. I filled the water bottle just over half way if that so the weight didn't end up being an issue. I put my phone in the pouch and take it out one handed which is good in case I need to do that during the run. Otherwise it fit in the pouch great with my headphones coming out the top and I can press the home button from outside to hear my app tell me how I'm doing. So, those items checked out. Again, I really enjoyed the run and totally had San Francisco on my mind the whole time!!!

And away we go.

SanFran Rock 'n Roll... I'm ready for you!

Run in some crazy weather looking crazy right along with it.

End it there because I literally have to leave for the airport... like now! AHHHH! Here we go!

Anything

2013-03-13T13:08:00.002-05:00

When I'm running, anything seems possible; because when I'm running, I'm doing what once was impossible. We can all come up with excuses to avoid doing the things in life that scare us. Stop it. Your excuses will become your regrets.

I wish I could explain just how much I used to hate running and how it scared me so that you could understand the feeling of overcoming and conquering that fear. When I would hear people say, "I love running." I would think to myself... "LIAR! They are just saying that because it sounds cool." How could anyone actually love running? A mile seemed like a gargantuan feat and finishing one seemed like an eternity... and now here I am. I love to run. I'm ready to run my first Half Marathon. In fact, I pick up my pace and try to sprint the last mile of my runs... cuz a mile is just a mile.

It was a year ago that I ran in my first official race. It was KC Track Club's 34th Annual St. Patrick's Day Run in Westport. It was four miles long and I ran it with a time of 37:44:9. My goal had been to break a ten min mile pace for it and really I wanted to get below 38 minutes, so I was ecstatic with this time. That was the beginning of me really falling in love with running, because I found that it was fun. YES, fun! At a race my adrenaline is going. I have the energy of the crowd to feed off of, and passing people feels so darn good. Since that first run, I have also completed the Warrior Dash, Color Run, Glow Run, Santa Run, Rodeo Run...

I was thinking of that first run from a year ago this past weekend as I completed my ten miles as part of my half marathon training. What a difference a year makes. What a journey, and it's only the beginning.

It was a rough ten miles. I loved running the nine the weekend before, but I felt every. single. mile. of those ten. Rough, but got it done. Rain and all, ten miles... done. Loved the "Emergency Stopping Only" sign. A good reminder to keep going!

I feel alive when I run. Lost in my thoughts, everything becomes clear. The world around me is white noise and suddenly it's me, my thoughts, and God. And ANYTHING seems possible.

If you want to do something... do it!
Don't just think about it. Don't just talk about it. DO IT!
Be the person you want to be. Do the things you want to do.
And if you're afraid of failure... you have to let that go. Failure is inevitable. Wouldn't you rather fail while chasing wildly after your dreams than to fail sitting on your couch... with your regrets?!
You were made for more and you have it in you.

Chase after your dreams.

Get rid of your excuses or

YOUR EXCUSES WILL BECOME YOUR REGRETS

Along the way I have had a lot of excuses I could have fallen on. Some frivolous and some very legitimate! When my back went out last February, I couldn't go to the gym like normal, but I walked on the treadmill for as long as my body would let me at a time and worked my way back. A year ago I was out playing catch with my brother and got hit in the eye with the baseball which gave me a huge black eye. It swelled up so I could hardly open that eye and see... and still I went to the gym that Monday to train. I've worked late and have had to rearrange my schedule to fit some kind of a work out in. I've traveled and done my Nike Training Club workouts in the hotel. Oh, and the food!!! Gosh the food! Oh, the temptations. You should see the stuff that comes through my work that I just have to move past. Lordy, lordy, lordy, the food.

I could go on with excuses that just pile up: job, family, time, etc. But if you want it, you have to find a way to make it work. You have to fight for it. It's not going to happen on it's own. Make a plan, then work the plan. Adjust and change as the world around you changes. But, YOU CAN DO IT!

Attack life the way you were created to!

There was a moment when the switch went off in my head and I knew at that very moment that my life WAS going to change and I've been going full force ever since. Here's the thing, as badly as I'd like to, I can't give that to other people. I can try to motivate and inspire, but they have to turn that switch on their own, no one can do it for them.

Motivation Monday

2013-03-04T15:24:00.000-06:00

It's Monday... Time to get motivated for the week ahead!

I am obsessed with motivational quotes, workout memes, scripture verses, funny sayings, etc. and have a stock pile of ones I have saved. Literally, half the images in my phone photo album are screenshots of these quotes. It's time to start sharing and what better place than on here?

Enjoy!

So many times I have been overwhelmed with the trials of this world. I am thankful for my Rock, Jesus Christ, who brings peace and understanding to my life. "Let the peace of God rule your heart." -Col. 3:15

It is because I have stared Absolute Failure in the face that I am so determined. Facing failure, slapping it in the face, and moving past it is what has built me and made me strong.

Preach!
Working out (especially long runs) is my therapy.
It's also like medicine. Several times I have felt awful and still gone to work out and feel so much better afterwards.

A LOT of little steps!
Whenever someone talks about how they can't believe how much I run I make sure to tell them... I started walking.
One step at a time.

It's all about changing your lifestyle and making Excellence a habit.
Meaning... it won't happen over night, but it will happen.

QUIT MAKING EXCUSES!!!
You're cheating yourself and your loved ones!

This one has run through my head several times when I've gone to workout and just don't "feel like it."

Feeling Motivated?!

Now get out there and kick some butt!

(and come back next monday for some more)

Apples and Oranges

2013-03-02T17:21:00.000-06:00

In the "Comparison Game" you lose every... single... time.

There will ALWAYS be someone:
Prettier
Fitter
Smarter
Funnier
Richer
Quicker
Better Dressed
Nicer
Etc.
Etc.

There's even someone who is all that and more than you. I don't say all this to be a Debby Downer but rather I want to talk about something I definitely struggle with: Playing the Comparison Game and losing every time.

I am sure you gentlemen struggle with this as well, in fact I know you do, but I am a female, therefore I will be speaking from that perspective.

Sometimes when playing this game we'll compare ourselves to someone "prettier;" and then to even things out, we'll tell ourselves we're probably smarter. Really? Why? Because she's blonde... Okay, well that's probably true then... JUST KIDDING! So back to the prettier blonde... What if she's smarter than you too? Then what? Here's the deal. There are so many gorgeous women. I mean just gorgeous! Trust me. I've spent a lot of time in Texas and they have an excess of them there! And so what? Isn't that a good thing? Why does someone else's greatness have to make you feel less than? Or someone else's downfalls make you feel better? One, you never know what their story is and what has led them to the place they are at now. Two, what if they are a shallow, selfish, pretty girl? Does that now make you better? No! I know I'm rambling, yet this is what I'm getting at... Stop comparing! It will tear you apart.

Here's the deal. There may be someone prettier and smarter and richer and funnier, but there is one thing you have on them, guaranteed. You are the only you! You can't be them, so stop trying. But they can't be you so do you to your very best. Be the very best you that you can be. And here is what I have found. When you are your best self, as flawed and messed up as that may be, you have the ability to impact people in an unspeakable way.

Recently, I have been following some different fitness competitors and crossfitters for inspiration on Instagram. It's nice to see other's photos to see what they are doing and to help set goals... my problem is getting too wrapped up in comparing myself to them. I've noticed myself struggling with some body issues recently as my body just won't do what I want it to. I look in the mirror and because of my loose skin, I still see a fat girl. It's frustrating, exhausting, and getting to my head. With that being said, I stopped following these pages on Instagram to take away the temptation of comparing myself.

I run, but compare me to a legit runner... I am an amateur.
I dance, but compare me to a legit dancer... I look like a fool.
I weightlift, but compare me to a legit weight lifter... I am weak.
I do kickboxing, but compare me to a legit fighter... I am beat.
I am pretty, but compare me to a model... And I am a beast.
I am smart, but compare me to a doctor... I am an idiot.

Lucky for me that being the best at these things is not what defines me but rather being my best self. Living out the will of God for my life to my very best is what will define me in this world. I am going to continue to push myself, but my goal is to be the best I can be for myself.

I have already been absolutely astounded by the impact my journey to be my best self has had on people around me. And I thank all of you who have shared this with me as it brings such great encouragement.

Choose to stop judging others and to stop judging yourself!

Get up every day with purpose, to be your very best self and make us all proud to spell our name...
W-O-M-A-N. (reference to Maya Angelou quote)

Obsessed

2013-01-31T00:53:00.003-06:00

Wanted to share a few things I am a little obsessed with. We'll call this the Obsessed: Fashion Edition blog post. All the things I have been wearing to death.

Short in Front/Long in Back Dress (skirt)

Crazy about these. They're fun, funky, and functional. It's like a mullet... in dress form. Party in the front and business in the back. I love getting to show off some leg while still covering my butt, literally. Super comfortable. I can move around with ease and still look cute. I want more! I have to refrain myself from overstocking my closet with these. Don't want people to think they are all I am capable of wearing.

[sidenote: There are some bad versions of this style of dress, so it is important to be picky.]

Scarves

Super original, I know. But, it's winter and these are my go-to pop of fun. Some do necklaces... I do scarves. I'm picky about my scarves though. I like them big and full. No need to bother with the wimpy ones. A great color, pattern, or just something that makes it pop a little more is always nice as well.

Leather Jacket

Everyday. Everywhere. Throw on jeans, boots, T, leather jacket - done! I have been wearing mine to death, but I can't help it. Maybe it's because I've always wanted to wear jackets like this and couldn't, so now I'm making up for lost time or deep down inside me there's a member of Hell's Angels... either way... obsessed.

Boots

I know, I know, just like the scarves, this is nothing original, but I can't write about the things I've been obsessed with this season and not at least mention my boots. They go with everything. Over or under the jeans, with a dress, with my skinnies... whatever, throw on some boots for a good look and yet very comfortable. And that's that.

Fun Nails

I usually never paint my nails because I am horrible at keeping them up and then I end up looking like a pre-teen at work. However, this is a trend I had to jump on. Granted my nails are currently naked as I type this, but I do have an appointment with my private nail technician extraordinaire (my sister) to have them done again. I just love all the experimenting and fun people are having with their nails. Add the glitter! Mix the colors! Make the patterns! I love putting a neutral color on the majority of my nails and then picking a fun pop for the ring finger... with some glitter.

High Sock Bun

I blame my sister for getting me hooked on this one. I tried it for the first time in the pic above and found that it was super easy to do and I like the look. Nothing like having another option with my hair that takes very little effort and looks like I actually tried. I've probably overused this one like everything else listed on this post, but when you are obsessed you just can't help yourself.

Stacked Jewelry

Layer it on! Stack your bracelets. Stack your rings. I can't get enough! We'll know I've gone too far when I look like I did when I was 8 or 9 and decided it necessary to wear all my silver rings on all of my fingers... hmmm. But stacking, I love. With the bracelets it may be like the jackets where I used to not be able to wear them because my wrists were too big and now that I can, I love it. And I really love the leather straps wrapped around several times and some of the ones with words. This one says, "TOUGH" and my other one says, "FIERCE"... obviously. We all knew I wouldn't go for the ones that say "LOVE" or "SWEET." Ha!

The image that sums it ALL up for me!

Mix &Match

Hard & Soft

Dress Up/Dress Down

Layers

I totally want this outfit. I just love the juxtaposition of it all. Mixing and matching styles. Soft flowing skirt with a ball cap! Layer it on with that great pop of color and we are good. It says, "I'm fun, quirky, and I don't take myself too seriously."

The Ugly Truth

2013-01-24T13:15:00.001-06:00

The ugly truth is that two years and 90 lbs later I still have plenty of evidence of being a former fat girl. Unfortunately for me, this evidence manifests itself in the form of skin... extra skin that is. Like a woman who has had a baby, twins really, and now the baby is out but her skin has been stretched and doesn't want to go back. I don't have a literal baby to show for my stretch marks and sad stomach, but a new life has emerged from the depths of my soul. A rebirth, I suppose of myself, into the person I was always destined to be. And all that has been great, but really the whole skin thing SUCKS.

Now, before I get all real with you, let me say that I have contemplated sharing this on my blog for awhile now but have been nervous to do so. Mainly because I don't want this to be all people think about when they see me. There are things that can be hidden with clothes and other people don't pick up on until you point it out to them. So, here I am pointing out my biggest insecurity. Why? Because it's my truth and because I think people should know that it's not all rainbows and butterflies and every step of this journey has not been pretty.

Last night I had to stop at Target on the way home from the gym to pick up a couple things and right there in the front were bathing suits. There was this to-die-for orange bikini with fringe on the top. I don't know why, but I just thought it was super cute. And that's when I knew I was going to share the ugly truth. Even though I have worked my butt off and pushed myself to do things I had only dreamed of before, I feel my body betrays me. Even with all the muscle I have built up and losing the weight slowly, I still have loose skin. I don't get to wear that bikini and to be blunt, it pisses me off!

This may be all vain but for me it's the fact that my body does not show all the hard work I have put into not just losing the fat, but also building up my muscle. I'm proud and excited about what I have built but much is hidden by the loose skin. It's frustrating. It's disappointing. It's embarrassing. It sucks to be moving around in a class like Zumba and see my underarms flapping. Or one time I wore a loose T-shirt and shorts to Bootcamp instead of a more fitted workout top and bottom and I could literally feel my skin pulling on my stomach when I jogged in place... really?! How is that fair?!

So, I'm a former fat girl with some saggy arms, chest, and stomach. It doesn't define me or cancel out all I've done, but it does TOTALLY suck! I'm self conscious about it for sure and do my best to hide it. Time will tell what will tighten up on its own and what won't.

I have considered surgery and it's something that I don't take lightly. It's not really something I can afford to do now, but I do have a lot of questions about it. With that being said, I have an appointment for a consultation with a doctor that a dear friend recommended who is going through a similar journey as mine. I just want to "take the car to the shop" and get an "estimate." Ask my burning questions and get an idea of what I'm really dealing with.

So, there's my ugly truth. No pictures cuz I really don't want something like that permanently on the inter-web. I'm sure you get the idea. But... In better news, I think my butt is looking FABULOUS, if I do say so myself. Thank you, squats, lunges, and running.

And I leave you with this photo. For you, but really for myself. I have to stop comparing myself to others. We all have a different journey with different results. I may really want toned arms, chest, and stomach, but the fact that I don't doesn't make me any less of a badass (excuse my french).

leading lady

2012-10-17T13:44:00.001-05:00

There's a scene in the movie The Holiday where Iris (played by Kate Winslet) says, "You're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!"

I recently turned 25 and in the weeks leading up to October 12, I thought a lot about this past year and I can honestly say that 24 was the best year of my life to date. And, here's why - I became the leading lady in my life.

I have some amazing friends and have had no problem playing this girl in their lives.

Yeah, not Jennifer Lopez... the other one, the one of the left. If you are any bit of a Romantic Comedy buff you know that Judy Greer is always the "supporting" actress. She's the best friend, the assistant, the back up. I love being that girl for my friends but, it was time that I be the leading lady in my own life. Here's what I can say about 24, if someone were to make a movie about my 24th year of life... you would want to watch it... and you would like it... heck you might even love it. You'd laugh (a lot), you'd cry (just because my year was great doesn't mean it was perfect), and you'd totally fall in love with the crazy, quirky leading lady finding her way and making her mark on the world around her.

This year I:
Got my first big girl, full time job... with a paycheck... that I gave away to bills.
Traveled! ... (for weddings mostly... it's that time when everyone is getting hitched)

Rekindled an old friendship that I treasure dearly.
Got a personal trainer... and good friend along the way.

Worked out... A LOT!

Discovered my inner athlete... who knew?

Fell in love with running and did my first "run" ever and then several after that.

Set bigger goals for myself.
Made new and unexpected friends.
Went out... mostly classy endeavors... sometimes not so much.
Had my first date ever...
Had my first kiss...
Found out how fun it is to talk with your girlfriends about their first kiss... hilarious!
Proved that true friendships will persevere no matter the distance between living locations.
Met someone that could quite possibly be a game changer... and that kind of scares the crap out of me but, we'll see what happens... the next chapter is still unwritten.
Was reminded daily that I am broken and imperfect all the time but, by the grace of God I have the opportunity to do something really special with my life.

It was because of my faith that I was able to hit rock bottom over a year ago and realize that I had to let go and let God take over to live my life at 100%. I don't want to leave anything behind. I don't want to miss out on God's will for my life. I have made a lot of mistakes and am positive that this is a trend that will continue but, what is also true is that God always meets me where I am at. Always has his arms wide open. Never leaves me. So, no matter what He has me in the midst of right now, I will do it at 100% leaving nothing back. I will be the leading lady in my life... and I promise you'll want to watch.

Change of plans...

2012-09-25T13:24:00.001-05:00

"Life isn't about the destination, it's about enjoying the journey." - And thank goodness for that. How many times have I set out to reach one destination and ened up somewhere totally different? Or the journey takes a whole different route than planned. If life was just about the destination I would be a complete failure. And while this does sometimes feel true... I look back on the little journeys I have taken that make up my life and I can't help but smile. The people I have met, the adventures I have had, the lessons I have learned, they all make up the person I am today.

We make plans and God laughs.

The first profession I can remember wanting as a kid was to be an ice skater...ha ha, He must have gotten a big laugh out of that one. It's important to plan and be prepared because as they say, "Those who fail to plan, plan to fail" but, you have to be ready to roll with the punches. Life is going to happen and it's going to be messy and difficult but it will also be beautiful and rewarding.

When I first started out on this "Health" journey I knew that if it was truly going to work it had to be a life change forever. Meaning there was no finish line. There would be highs and lows but, either way I had to keep going. It wasn't about reaching a number and then stopping. Of course I had a number... "the" number (the goal weight)... but thank goodness it is not the end all because I'm still not there. If this was all just about the number... then everything so far would feel like a total fail because I'm still not there. Honestly, I really thought I would be. It's been a little over a year and half and I truly thought I would be there by now... but I'm not. I'm not at that number but I am having the journey of a lifetime. The last year and half has been EPIC. I am doing things I always wanted to do but never gave myself the chance. I have met people that have changed me... I am different, I am better, because of them. And the lessons I have learned and am learning... oh the lessons.

So, change of plans... I'm not going to be an ice skater when I grow up. And I don't weigh 160... yet. And I may never cross everything off my bucket list. But I promise you this, I sure am going to try. And I will fail, and fail hard but, I'm also going to keep on, press in, and live my life to the very fullest.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters. Colossians 3:23

Veggie Tales

2012-09-11T13:48:00.000-05:00

Boccoli, celery, gotta be... Veggie Tales! Remember those guys? I'm not talking about these Jesus loving Veggies today but rather my revolutionized relationship with the veggies that you actually eat.

Take a look at my shopping cart these days and you would have no idea that I used to despise veggies. When I was a kid I hated vegetables so much that I came up with some pretty creative ways to "clean my plate." My parents tried so hard to get me to eat my veggies; using the classic, "no dessert unless you eat those" or "you cannot leave the table until you eat those." Here's the deal, I was a really good kid... like goody-two-shoes good but, I was also a little sneaky. I was able to get away with a lot of stuff under the veil of being the good kid. My sneaky, evasive behavior was unexpected.

There was no way I was going to choke down those veggies and of course I didn't want to sit at the kitchen table all night so I found ways to get rid of them.
1. Chew a little and then act like I was wiping my face when really I was spitting it out in my napkin to be thrown away later.
2. There was some kind of large decorative clay pot near the kitchen table that had a small opening at the top and opened up to a big base. When no one was watching I would empty my veggies in there. (and then one day my mom did some spring cleaning and found the rotted stuff that I am sure was several year old... yeah, def got spanked for that)
3. Sometimes I would toss a few on other people's plates but I could only do a little at a time and found this to not be my best option.
4. My most successful tactic was to stuff my veggies in my pockets... or my underwear... (DON'T JUDGE!)... and then go to the restroom and flush 'em away! Success.

I think at some point my parents realized that there just wasn't much else they could do and I filled my own plate and ate what I could. I would eat green beans and some select others and I didn't have to dispose of my unwanted veggies anymore.

Peas were always my least favorite Veggie and here I am having them for lunch... when pigs fly.

Now, I can honestly say I really do like veggies. Crazy! I still shock myself sometimes with this new taste pallet. I don't put dressing on my salads, I snack on cauliflower, I ate PEAS! Who is this girl? She's out of her mind but I think I'll keep her around. Makes meals so much more interesting when there's more on the plate than just meat and potatoes.

tasty tacos filled with veggies

I told you... I snack on Cauliflower... obsessed!

A tasty Stir Fry

Lettuce Wrap

When you make a tasty salad there is no need for dressing.

Useless

2012-09-10T23:23:00.000-05:00

Take a flashlight and try and use it in the middle of the sunniest day outside. It doesn't matter how strong or powerful that flashlight is because it is useless out in the sun. A flashlight requires darkness to be of any use. In fact the darker it is the brighter the light will appear.

As christians we can find ourselves in very dark places and wonder, "Why in the world had God put me here?" We may feel abandoned and alone and wonder how we got so lost, when really we are right where we need to be. If we are to share the light of God with the world, what good are we surrounded by each other? We are useless. But in the darkness He can shine.

I know that God has great plans for my life but that doesn't mean that these great things rest in the distant future. Instead, they reside as an opportunity in every interaction I have with someone. A positive attitude and joyful heart go a long way (beyond what we may every truly know) in impacting the lives of others around us. I choose JOY. Life may not be going exactly how I want it to and there may be a laundry list of things gone wrong but I have to let go and let God. Philippines 4:6 says, "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." So, I will live a life of thanksgiving. And I will allow His light to shine through me in the darkest places.

Since moving back home I have really missed having a good support group of fellow believers around me. I miss "doing life" with the friends that became family. But you know what, God didn't put me on this earth to be comfortable. I am thankful that he has placed me in some darker places so that His light in me might actually be of use. A lot of times I think we feel it takes completing some huge task to make a remarkable difference in the world when really small is so the new big. There is great power in obeying God in the small.

Be obedient in the small, daily details. Each day look for opportunities to shine God's light. Do not shy away from darkness for that is where He can use you the most. Don't be useless.

I used to be fat...

2012-07-11T04:13:00.000-05:00

"But this summer is about more than just losing weight for these teens -- it's also about figuring out who they are and who they want to be."

That's a little excerpt from the show "I Used To Be Fat" on MTV. I share this with you because this is so where I am at right now in my whole life transition.

One, I am trying to understand that I am not fat anymore.

I am trying to stop seeing myself as the fat girl. It is not easy to get out of this state of mind. When I go shopping I have to tell myself to put the large or Xlarge down and pick up the medium or small. I have to see myself differently and that is hard. I grew up training myself how to hide. Hide behind cardigans, hide behind friends, hide behind intelligence. Camouflage. Blend. Hide.

Two, I don't want to lose myself.

You know I never got made fun of in school for being overweight. I mean in the second grade a girl called me fat (and I wasn't even at that time) but, that's it. Part of that is because I wasn't huge and I knew how to hold myself and disguise my size. I knew how to shrink back. And... I was nice to people. So, really what happens when you are bigger is you just get ignored. You just don't get asked to go out or do certain things. You get looked over and passed by and you know it's happening. That's what hurt. It happened by strangers, people I knew, and people I thought were friends... just forgotten. When you lose weight you begin to be seen. You start to notice people noticing you. And it is SO weird! To be noticed can be fun but there are times I just want to say, "Hey, I'm smart too!" I'm funny and can hold a real grown up conversation. I have dreams and ambitions and they have to do with more than just looking cute. I'm getting in shape not so I can look cute in a dress (although this is nice) but rather so I can live a full and healthy life and not just watch on the sidelines. There has to be a balance of it all and I am figuring out what exactly that is so I don't lose myself.

A dear friend of mine who is going through this same transition of changing her life and getting healthy sent me a text message about a month ago that I keep going back and reading over and over: "...I want you to know that you are loved and beautiful no matter what. ... I pray we both remember where our self worth comes from. Him alone."

I am beautiful. I have been beautiful. And it has nothing to do with a number. I was made in the image of Christ! He lives inside of me! What could be more beautiful?!

This is what I don't want to ever forget or lose.

Three, When do you tell someone?

For those of you who have known me it is very exciting to share this journey with you. I have been floored by the amount of support and encouragement I have received... FLOORED! I told my sister that I feel like I have a whole team of people cheering me on wishing the very best for me. But, as I am out in the world meeting new people it is hard to know if, when, how to share with someone that I used to be fat. And how much do you share? It's complicated and intricate and intimate. It's not that I want to hide it, it's that for every new person I meet I have to feel it out and determine what is right and what isn't to share and when. With some people it's almost immediately that they find out and I let them ask the questions to determine how much I share while others it's just better to hold out and maybe never share because they really won't be around long enough to care. To avoid beating around the bush... in being out and meeting guys this is the hardest situation to know when to share this aspect of my life. Clearly it's not an opening line! Guys don't really want to know that you used to be the fat girl. So, for the most part I talk around it. Talk a lot about fitness, working out, eating healthy, etc. but, I think I've only ever told two that I've lost 85lbs.

So, I'm still trying to figure this one out. Like I said, I don't want to hide the fact that I used to be fat, I just don't want it to be what defines me.

I Used To Be Fat... but I am still beautiful.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I know I haven't blogged in forever. It's crazy because so much has been going on and I have had so much to share but so little time to then sit down and actually share it. Also, I have to filter myself... this is the interweb for all to see. I wanted to share this with you because for those of you that are friends with me on facebook and see the fun pictures posted of me out trying to live a full life, you might think that I've lost this weight and now I'm living the charmed life. But, the truth is there is always a new hurdle. I have been dealing with the issues I listed above as well as others.

Been missing my friends from college like WHOA!!! Had a little breakdown a couple weeks ago. It is extremely hard being away from all of my friends who I want to be living life with and sharing all of these moments with.

I have begun the search for a new church here in KC. I have loved Harmony and it's pastors but at the end of the day I need friends... a support system of fellow believers my age and I just don't have that there. Tried my first one this past Sunday and it was... TERRIBLE! So, the search continues.

I spend about 10 hours a week driving to and from work... this sucks! Wish so badly I could move out on my own and be closer to work and downtown KC but I have to make a bigger dent on these lovely student loans... joy.

I have been stuck at this horrible plateau for about 2+ months!! It's horrid. My trainer and I have tried what seems like everything and that stupid number just won't go down. I'm hovering. It is driving me crazy! I know that as long as I stick with it eventually it will come off but right now... I feel like I could go crazy. And here's why. It's not about the number but for some stupid reason when I hit a plateau it becomes all about the number. And I wake up on weigh-in day and have stupid thoughts like.. "maybe I shouldn't eat today..." - oh really? yeah, that's dumb... and by the way never happens... it's just a stupid thought that I crush and move on but I hate even having that thought. Last friday I went to the doctor to have my thyroid tested so we can rule that out and I started an Herbal cleanse yesterday so, we shall see what happens.

So anywho, before I unload too much on you... know this - I am so very blessed and I know that with Christ I can and will achieve all He has planned for my life. But, He never promised the journey would be easy. But, I'm here. Showing up everyday ready to fight.

Living in the "After" Photo

2012-05-16T23:32:00.000-05:00

First off I would like to say that "Before and After" photos (when they are of yourself) suck! I know, it seems so cool and everyone likes to see them... of other people. But, for me, it kind of feels like I'm hating on that "before" girl. But for me, she's the reason I'm here. She's the reason I get to live in "after" right now. It's hard though looking through old pics... like really hard. Because I am seeing her, myself, in a whole new way. Fresh eyes. I can see just how big I was. I see myself BURIED! AHHH! It's scary and real and so very sad. It's sad because I think of all the amazing memories I had as that girl and I feel like maybe now they are some how tainted. I'm trying to remember these events as I saw and felt them then and not how I see them now in pictures. Does that make sense? College was awesome... I LOVED it. I met the most amazing people there and have the best friendships because of it but, I look back at pictures and I just want to start crying. Ugh, I am such a crier... not really... well kind of. I have toyed with the idea of just wiping out my facebook and starting fresh. Getting rid of all the old pictures of me that I have up and that I'm tagged in since I don't look like that any more... but then it's like... just because I don't look like that doesn't mean that isn't me. That is me. That is my life. My experiences and I want to keep them... so they stay. But, I can't really look through them right now. Unless I am forced and recently I was forced to look through and pick one to be my "Before" photo.

My trainer at 24 asked if they could put my story on the Success board a the gym... and I agreed. What can I say, he's done so much for me I couldn't say no. He did ask for me to find my worst before photo.. I did not do this. I hate those before pictures where they show some poor girl from the side view sitting down, bending over a plate, eating like a loaded taco or something... really? It's like, I'm fat, do I really need any more help looking fat... no. So, I chose this photo to be my "before" because that was the best I was going to look at that size. Still fat but not a total slob. It worked out that the weekend before needing to get this to him I wore a red dress for my bestie's graduation and got a full body of myself in a similar pose and direction.

I wasn't planning on sharing this on my blog because I feel like I am always posting about my fitness journey recently (sorry about that). Pretty much it has consumed my life and is what I am really passionate about right now and I write better when it's something I'm passionate about. Anywho, a couple days ago a friend of mine said that someone had shared a link with her asking if this success story on the 24 Hour Fitness for Gladstone, MO was her friend (me) and it was. I didn't even know they had put it on the interweb. Checked it out and sure enough there I was. So, I thought I would go ahead and post my "Before and After" pics and the story I wrote for them. Please enjoy.

Recently I’ve had a lot of people who used to know me come up and tell me that they didn’t even recognize me at first. It took me a bit to digest this because for the first time I finally recognize myself. I am becoming the person I always knew I could and so badly wanted to be. I had to find my fighter who was buried under fear and doubt and let her out.

265 lbs. That was my starting line, but the thing about this journey is there is no finish line. When I started on this path I wasn’t starting a “diet,” I was changing my life forever. Yes, I have weight loss goals, but it’s not just about the weight, it’s about living a full and healthy life. It’s about being able to look back without regrets. I knew it wouldn’t be an easy road; I didn’t want it to be, but it would be worth every moment. First, I had to educate myself on nutrition and better understand my body and how it works. I picked up the book, “This is why you’re fat (and how to get thin forever)” by Jackie Warner and things started to make sense. As a self-proclaimed vegetable-hater I had to give them another chance and find out what worked for me. I made a plan and started cooking my own meals. Second, I began moving. I started out walking and doing some resistance training with videos and as I got stronger I pushed up the intensity and added more in. Thirdly, I continued to remind myself that this was a forever life change and so even when I slipped up and ate something I shouldn’t have or went without working out I had to give myself grace and keep going. Quitting has NEVER been an option or even a thought in my mind. Mess up? Dust it off and keep going.

24 Hour Fitness became a part of my journey at the beginning of 2012. In a little under a year I had lost 60 lbs all on my own but after starting a new job at the end of 2011 I was finding way too many excuses not to work out. I decided to join 24 Hour so that I could hit the gym after work and before I got home. It was also time for me to take things to the next level and I knew to get the results I wanted, I needed some help. I signed up for a personal trainer and it was the best decision I could have made. Suddenly, I was working out at least 2 hours a day, 6 days a week and I discovered I loved it! Working out has become the highlight of my day. Mixing it up with different workouts such as Zumba, Kickboxing, Running, Lifting, and Resistance Training makes me so much more versatile. I also got set up with the BodyBugg so I can monitor how many calories I burn and I log my food every day. I am so thankful to my trainer, Trey, who revealed the athlete inside of me. He’s gone above and beyond to help with my success. 24 Hour is where I became addicted to working out; I’ve lost 20+ lbs since being at 24 Hour and I feel so strong.

For as long as I can remember I have been the pretty fat girl. Now I get to be so much more than that. I’ve lost 80+ lbs so far. I went from a size 18-20 to a size 8-10. There are no special tricks or gimmicks, just hard work and a lot of dedication. It hasn’t happened over night and I still have a ways to go but I’m ready.

Click here to see the link on facebook

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So there you have it. My brother asked me if I cared that they were kind of taking credit for the 60lbs I lost on my own before joining 24 Hour and I told him no. And this is why, my tainer, Trey. I am so proud of what I did on my own before 24 Hour and I know I would have stuck with it on my own and I know that when I am back on my own I will be okay... but before Trey working out was a means to an end. I didn't love it. After Trey, I am obsessed. He made it "fun." It's my way of living. It's the best part of my day. I get cranky and mad if I don't get to work out. I'd do it all day if I could. I've gained so much muscle and lost a lot of body fat and inches that my 60 on my own to the 25 at the gym really starts to even out.