Laugh "if you have sense"

Element of surprise

2012-01-24T09:40:00.001-05:00

Alien forms

2012-01-24T09:29:00.001-05:00

Wise advice

2012-01-24T09:22:00.001-05:00

A Boy asks a wealthy old man how he became rich. The old guy says "Son it was 1932 during the Depression & I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple & spent the entire day polishing it & sold it for 10 cents. The next day I invested the 10 cents in 2 apples & sold them for 20 cents. I did this for a month by the end of which I had $2.37. Then my wife's father died and left us 3 million dollars."

Reliable forecast

2012-01-24T09:16:00.000-05:00

It's fall & the Indians on the Reservation asked their new chief if winter was going to be cold. Since he was a modern chief, he didn't know the old ways & when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what winter was going to be like. So to be safe, he told his tribe that winter was going to be cold & they should collect firewood to be prepared. But being practical, he called the Weather Service &... asked if winter was going to be cold?' 'It looks like it's going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist said. So the chief again told his people to collect more firewood.

A week later, he called the Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it's going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' was the reply again, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went to his people & ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. 2 weeks later, the chief called the Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that winter is going to be very cold? 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it's going to be one of the coldest winters we've seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a ton of of firewood.'

Hold on...

2012-01-24T09:15:00.002-05:00

A Dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give a patient a shot. 'No way! I hate needles" the man says. The Dentist then hooks up nitrous oxide & the man objects "I can't do gas. I would feel I’m suffocating" The Dentist asks if Pills are okay? The man says. ''I'm fine with pills." The Dentist then says "Here's a Viagra" The man says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer" "It doesn't" says the dentist "but it'll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

Pass the pepper

2012-01-24T09:15:00.001-05:00

At a Crash Site a lone survivor sat chewing on a bone as a rescue team arrived. "Thank God" he cried, "I’m saved!" The rescue team were shocked seeing a pile of human bones. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw their looks of horror & said, "Don't judge me. I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?" The leader replied "I won't judge you, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!

Time to convert

2012-01-24T09:13:00.002-05:00

The Pope gathered all the Bishops & Cardinals to announce he had good news & bad news. The good news was that God informed him directly of the second coming within a week. "That is great." they all shouted. "What could be the bad news?"... & the Pope replied, "God called me... from "Salt Lake City!"

Lost in transation

2012-01-24T09:13:00.001-05:00

A bus stops & 2 Italian men get on. They sit & engage in a conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but the men get her attention when she hears one of them say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again & pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." The lady can't take this any more, "You disgusting pig," she yells. "In this country we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell " Mississippi."

Try, try, try...

2012-01-24T09:11:00.003-05:00

A Doctor gives an old man a jar & asks him to bring back a semen sample. The old man returns with an empty jar. "Sorry doc, I tried with my right & left hand & nothing. My wife tried with both hands then her mouth with her teeth in & out & nothing. We asked the lady next door who tried with her armpit & between her knees & nothing." Doctor, "You asked your neighbor?" Old man, "Yep & none of us could get the Jar Open."

Congratulations!

2012-01-24T09:10:00.001-05:00

A Guy goes to his Boss & asks, "Can I have tomorrow off? My wife & I are going to have a baby." The Boss replies, "Absolutely ... congratulations & you'll be paid for that day off." Two Days later the guy shows up & his Boss asks, "Well, was it a boy or a girl?" The guy replies, "Well, we won't know that for another 9 months...."

Lucky pig

2012-01-13T15:04:00.001-05:00

A salesman stops by a farm and is surprised to see a man sitting on the porch with a 3 legged Pig. He asks the man what happened & the farmer replies, "This pig is amazing. Last year, I got drunk & fell into a pond. That pig ran in & pulled me out by the shirt collar. Another time, my tractor rolled over, pinning me down & again, that Pig ran to a neighbor & squealed so loud, they followed it to me, saving my life." The Salesman asks, "But how come the Pig has only 3 legs. The Farmer replies, "Are you kidding. A pig like that, you don't eat all at once."

Heaven help me

2012-01-13T15:00:00.001-05:00

A Catholic couple in a fatal car crash are in front of St. Peter. They ask if they can marry in Heaven. St. Peter says, "Let me find out" & leaves. 2 months later St. Peter returns "Yes you CAN get married in Heaven" They ask, "but if things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter replies, "COME ON! It took me 2 months to find a Priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a Lawyer?"

That's one upset ref

2012-01-13T14:56:00.000-05:00

Tebow Time

2012-01-13T14:45:00.001-05:00

Tough pill to swallow

2012-01-03T08:54:00.000-05:00

A man is told by a doctor that he has 6 months left to live. He pleads with the Doctor that there must be a way he can live longer than 6 months. The doctor tells him there is "One thing" he can do… marry a Jewish girl and move to Oklahoma. Confused, the man asks, "If I marry a Jewish girl and move to Oklahoma, that will help me live longer?"…And the doctor replies…"NO… but it will be the "longest" 6 months of your Life."

Say a little prayer

2012-01-03T08:50:00.000-05:00

A missionary is being chased thru the jungle by a ferocious lion. With no one to help, he suddenly falls to his knees & begins to pray. To his surprise, the lion abruptly stops before him & also begins to pray. The missionary can’t believe his eyes as he looks to the sky & says, "This is a miracle when I had almost given up." Suddenly the lion yells out, "Will you shut up. I’m saying Grace."

Perspective

2012-01-03T08:48:00.000-05:00

New Years fun

2012-01-03T08:42:00.001-05:00

Why we love children

2011-12-27T09:28:00.001-05:00

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report . 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

You win

2011-12-27T09:26:00.001-05:00

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special target of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Just another fruitcake

2011-12-27T09:24:00.001-05:00

Head over heals

2011-12-27T09:19:00.000-05:00

Biblical

2011-12-19T11:43:00.002-05:00

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says,"It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings; she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant, about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says; "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.

About five minutes pass and the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!!!

Operator please...

2011-12-19T11:43:00.001-05:00

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Confession

2011-12-19T11:42:00.003-05:00

Sue goes to confession to Father O' Grady & she's in tears. He says , "So what's bothering you, Sue my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband died last night." The priest says, "Oh, Sue, that's terrible. Did he have any last words?" She says, "Yes, Father." The priest says, "And what were they, Sue?" She replies, He said, 'Sue, please put down that damn gun...'