Laughing in Purgatory

Dominionist Cadet Corps -- Scouting for Christians

2013-05-17T06:23:00.000-07:00

Chattanooga, Tennessee It''s a sunny day in General Robert E Lee Park in downtown Chattanooga, and the local scouting troop is hard at work. Boys between the ages of ten and fourteen proudly burnish the statue of the General, while others pick up litter that plagues the recreational area.

Any passerby might think that these are the Boy Scouts of America busy at work. However, the large sign that two boys are holding inform that they are not. The banner reads: AMERICA, GOD, AND PURITY. These are the Dominionist Cadet Corps (DCC).

The DCC was the brainchild of Oliver Duke, local Grand Cyclops of the Invisible Empire in 1921. The

group languished for many years in the foothills of Appalachia until the rebirth of the Religious Right in the 1980's. "Right about then folks started coming around to our point of view," stated Cadet President and self-described Christian Supremacist, Andrew Kannard. "The last thirty years has seen our ranks swell with the future of America -- dedicated Christian boys who serve the Lord."

The interest in the DDC has indeed grown over the last few months as the Boy Scouts of America are seriously reconsidering their ban on homosexuals. Many traditional families have called into the DCC to ask about its Bible-based character development program.

It's core principles and teachings are as follows:

America is a Christian Nation.

America was founded by Christians and for Christians. All other religions/belief systems will not get special treatment or be allowed to frustrate the will of the majority of God fearing Americans.

Christian Teaching is Supreme in America and Abroad.

Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, “All power been given unto me in heaven and in earth.” — Matthew 28:18 (KJV) Cadets are taught that Christ's teachings in the Old and New Testaments are for everyone -- not just America. National/local laws that do not reflect those teachings are to to be subverted at every opportunity.

The Dominionist Cadet Corps Pledge reflects the covenant between the organization and the Almighty.

In the presence of this blood banner which represents our Lord's sacrifice, I swear to devote all my energies and my strength to the savior of our country, Jesus Christ. I am willing and ready to give up my life for him, so help me God. (source)

Badges will be given out based on biblical teachings.

Badges will be given out based on the individual scout's mastery of lessons taught in the Bible. These badges include:

Traditional marriage Scouts will be required to write a paper on how marriages between a rapist and his victim who happens to be a virgin are blessed, while brides who are discovered not to be virgins are to be stoned to death by the men of the town (Deut 22: 13-21)
Women are to serve men Scouts will work tirelessly to point out various instances in real life situations where this biblical principle applies: A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man.1 Corinthians 11:7
Parental discipline The DCC recognizes the God given sovereignty of parents over their children. This first badge of the Cadets reflects Deuteronomy 21: 18-21 : If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

"I like the traditional morality and discipline the Cadets offer my boys," stated local moonshiner, Elijah Tickle. "I really don't like the political correctness that is creeping into the Boy Scouts. I mean, right now they're thinking about letting in gays. What's next? Are they gonna let the atheists in someday?"

*Yes, this is a Poe.

However, real faith-based Scouting alternatives are on the rise.

Five Reasons Why Atheists Should Feel Good

2013-05-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

5. It's a fact, a main characteristic of our atheist subculture is that we love to argue with each other. And these arguments are typically intelligent as well as passionate. However, a side effect of this love of rhetoric is that feelings get hurt (after all, human egos are delicate flowers), and that can lead to some rather immature exchanges between individuals and their crew of friends. We've all seen it. I had a long time reader of Purgatory email me stating. "I can't take the atheist drama anymore. I'm taking a vacation from the online godless community, and I may not be coming back."

We need to remember that we only hear/remember the crappiest things people do. The old news maxim If it bleeds it leads is true online. Bad behavior is commonly noticed, while the civility is oftentimes ignored.

Cheer up, fellow atheists, most of us are decent people.

4. As I write this, Minnesota just legalized gay marriage. It's the 12th state to do so. Religious conservatives are frothing at their collective mouths because their Iron Age definition of marriage is slowly getting rolled back.

That, my friends is something to celebrate.

3. As many of you know the rise of the nones, Americans who do not ascribe to any religion, is rising. The current percentage of the nonreligious in America is approximately 20% While it is correct that a majority (68%) believe in God, it needs to be pointed out that, "With few exceptions, though,the unaffiliated say they are not looking for a religion that would be right for them. Overwhelmingly, they think that religious organizations are too concerned with money and power, too focused on rules and too involved in politics."

2. Those of us who were raised in religious homes have a degree of faith-based post traumatic stress disorder. The reality of hell was drilled into our mushy cerebral cortexes from an early age, and the ways to avoid eternal damnation were not always clear and concise.

This verse gave me a lot to think about when I was a kid.

but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin.” Mark 3:29

What did that mean? Did it mean that if I thought the (remember, thinking about a bad action is the same as doing it in the eyes of the Lord) wrong way that I'd be damned forever, without any way to erase the sin? If I thought God the Father could go screw Himself I could eventually be forgiven, but if I thought The Holy Spirit should go sodomize Himself until the 2nd Coming, does that mean I'm damned?

Damnit! I did think about it, now was I really going to hell?

Those were just some of my anxiety fueled reflections on the afterlife when I was a believer.

1. I think Louis CK sums it up nicely...

“I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.”

Go make something. Discover something new. Enjoy.

ALL 613 Commandments Placed in Classrooms in Muldrow-- Chaos Ensues.

2013-05-14T08:10:00.000-07:00

The school board of Muldrow, Oklahoma and The Freedom From Religion Foundation (FFRF) have come to an unexpected deal -- with unexpected consequences -- concerning the Ten Commandments that had been hung in every classroom. This decision came on the heals to the complaint filed by student Gage Pulliam. The FFRF had demanded that the iron age code of good behavior be removed. Among the uproar from local salt-of-the-earth, the school board agreed that the Commandments did need to come down.

However, certain officials worked tirelessly behind the scenes to come up with a compromise decision: ALL 613 Commandments (Mitzvot) will be proudly displayed in every classroom.

At first the small community rejoiced at the "victory." Once the new plaques were set up, a more sober realization took place.

"Is that really in the Bible?"

Little Bobby, age 9, rubbed his eyes and gazed at this Commandment:  Anyone who beats their male or female slave with a rod must be punished if the slave dies as a direct result, but they are not to be punished if the slave recovers after a day or two, since the slave is their property. Exodus 21:20-21

"Is Jesus telling people they can own and hit people?" he asked his teacher.

"Oh, that's the Old Testament. God said it was OK to hit slaves, but Jesus never would." his teacher replied.

"Isn't Jesus God? Isn't Jesus and God one?" the precocious 3rd grader retorted. "Why would Jesus say it was OK to hit someone and then say it isn't right to do it later? Is it OK for me to hit Jimmy before lunch, but after lunch it isn't OK? That doesn't seem right"

Budding biblical literacy and skepticism swept through Muldrow's students.

"That shit's not right," stated 5th grader Keenan Brown, the only minority student in his class, as he looked at this Mitzvot: Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can bequeath them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly.  Leviticus 25: 44-46

Residents quickly opened up their Bibles in vain hope that the school had somehow mistranslated the word of God. They quickly learned that they didn't know the Bible, except for the few verses that they were spoon fed by their local ministers.

Local holy man, Reverend William Fabulist, was consulted, and it was decided to hold a full question and answer session in the high school auditorium about questionable verses in the Bible.

"I had really high hopes for the meeting," stated the minister.

Apocalypse Now

The auditorium was packed with students and concerned parents. Reverend Fabulist started answering questions, and the whole situation quickly degenerated into chaos.

"My thirteen year-old daughter came home crying the other day. She said that Jesus would want here to marry a rapist? I looked up Deuteronomy 22:22: 28-29 and she is right! Now she doesn't want to leave the house." stated Thomas Jones.

"Um, that was the Old Testament; it doesn't really matter," replied the minister.

"You just quoted the Old Testament in church last Sunday about gay marriage!" yelled the outraged father.

"I'm trying to raise two girls. I was doing a good job until they got the idea in their head that they are unclean during their period, and that they and their clothes can't be touched. I asked them where they got that kind of crazy idea. They told me Leviticus 15: 19-24!" shouted another irate father.

The meeting was closed shortly after a melee ensued in the crowd between a Mormon, who wanted verses from the Book of Mormon to be placed in classrooms, and a Baptist who wanted to follow the biblical teaching of stoning heretics.

After the Dust Settled

In the days following the Commandments were quietly taken down from the classrooms.

While the vast majority of people in Muldrow still say they are proud Christians, church attendance is much much lower.

* Yes, this is a Poe.

Guest Post by Jonny Scaramanga -- Creationism Rocks!

2013-05-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

I have to tell you that my experience with Christian hard rock music is very limited. This guest post by Jonny Scaramanga has shed light into that very strange, very dark world of 80's and early 90's.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!

Here is Jonny's post.

I wasn't born a creationist, but I was pretty soon made into one. And one of the things creationists have worked out is that if you're exposed to secular culture (ie reality) you won't be a creationist for very long. Every effort must be made to cocoon you from two hateful facts:

1) There are non-Christian activities which are really fun

2) There's a lot of evidence which makes believing in Noah's Ark quite difficult.

Creationist rock music was a genius way to protect the young me from both. It sounded good enough to stop me pestering my mum for Bon Jovi albums, and it took the lyrical opportunity to tell me that everyone who believed in evolution was a monkey. While secular bands were experimenting with the concoctions of pharmacists, Christian rock bands were denying science.

Looking back, these were some of the greatest moments in creationist rock.

Nailed, "Life" (1996)

The reviewers compared Nailed to Alice in Chains. This worked for me, because I was curious about AIC but would never be allowed to listen to them. Listening to Nailed allowed me to imagine I knew what Alice in Chains sounded like without risking my immortal soul.

The first song's lyrics are simply majestic.

I look and I wonder, a small baby child
Where do we come from? Something in the wild?
Looked in a school book, they said a monkey
But I think you reached down and breathed life into me.

This was a pretty good start. But the chorus heralded one of the finest couplets in the entire Christian rock ouvre:

GOD!!!!!!!!!! I believe in you.
GOD!!!!!!!!!! Not apes in a zoo.

Shout, "In Your Face" (1989)

When I first heard this, I couldn't believe the speed of the guitars. I was convinced that Shout's superhuman guitar prowess was proof that they were empowered by the Holy Spirit. No mere mortal could play that fast, I thought, and if non-Christians heard it, they would be converted by this startling proof.

Years later, I found out the solos were played by session musicians, most of whom were not Christians.

(Rock trivia: one of the axemen future Megadeth guitarist Marty Friedman.)

As well as magnificently tasteless guitar playing, "In Your Face" featured a powerful argument against evolution:

Evidence pointing to a truth that must be known...
All the theories come and go about the origins of life
While a single cell points to a design

And they looked cool.

Nouveaux, "We Believe" (1994)

In 1994, Nouveaux were the flagship signing to Christian label Benson Records, who advertised them as "the Christian Def Leppard". Given that the real Def Leppard couldn't get on MTV in 1994, this was a bit on the late side. Still, Nouveaux's first album had some damned fine pop-rock on it, which perfectly accompanied the band's terrible hair and questionable grasp on biology:

Philosophy of the modern age
And the evolution of the human race
They're lying to your face

(Spotify)

One Bag Pig, "Let's Be Frank" (1989)

I thought One Bag Pig were hilarious, possibly because I was eight. "Let's Be Frank" was a superlative piece of satire, showing how arrogant and stupid atheists are. I especially liked the last verse: "I can't believe that Jesus/ ever came to save/ I even tried to find Him/ He wasn't in His grave". But it was the opening that really socked it to the Big Bang buffoons:

In the beginning God
A fancy that will pass
I know how it began
I believe in gas

I know that the Big Bang
Gave the world its shape
My image is not God's
I'm related to the ape

This isn't the official video. Presumably it's an evangelism piece by a Christian youth group...

(Spotify)

DeGarmo & Key, "Teenage Suicide" (1987)

In this staggering clip, D&K frontman Dana Key introduces a power ballad by claiming evolution is the cause of America's suicide rate. Evangelical discourse on this subject has not really moved on in the intervening quarter century. The speech starts properly at 00:30.

I'm not a theologian or a rocket scientist or anything, really. But I think I understand at least what part of the problem is... You take this little person. You put this little person in school, and you tell this little person every day... that he came from a monkey. You know, just every day: "You came from a monkey."
"Good morning class, I just want to remind you today that you came from a monkey." It would be humiliating, really, to think that your ancestors back there somewhere, aeons ago, were monkeys. And the other "sciences" – so-called – that we learn are not any better.

We normally think Creationism is pretty funny, and it kind of is, with Key's demented repetition of the word "monkey". It's like he's determined to convince us all of his ignorance. But there are kids in America killing themselves. Think about that.

You can sit there and blame it on scientists. Or Creationists, you can ask yourself if kids are dying because their parents say they're an abomination for being gay. You can wonder if that girl who got raped committed suicide because her parents taught her that a girl who loses her virginity is a used piece of chewing gum. You might wonder if offering kids some practical help rather than telling them to pray for answers could make a difference. You might consider whether disowning your atheist son might have affected his mental health.

And if you do find your child bleeding after a failed suicide attempt, presumably you won't take them to the hospital. They might use science to save her life.

Jonny Scaramanga grew up as a fundamentalist Christian, and now blogs about leaving his religion at Leaving Fundamentalism and on Twitter.

My Online Chat With Marc Maron and My Latest Podcast

2013-05-10T09:49:00.001-07:00

Anyone who follows me on Twitter or Facebook knows that I'm a fan of Marc Maron, the comedian who does the super popular WTF podcast. I was on the AV Club site (Marc was promoting his new show Maron) and Marc was answering some questions from fans.

I'm happy to say that he responded to a few of mine.

Yes, considering there was a herd of people asking him questions, he did answer quite a few of mine.

I also want to talk about my latest bit on the recent Left Hemispheres Podcast: Ep.18-Jimmy Madison and the Logical Positives. I talk about James Madison and sperm. My bit starts around the 37 minute point. As always, it begins with the Purgatory siren. I hope you listen to the podcast in its entirety (and not just my awesomey part of it).

Cambridge, Massachusetts to Set Up Neighborhood Watches on Catholic Churches

2013-05-09T12:22:00.001-07:00

Cambridge City Hall

Cambridge, Massachusetts Arguably the bluest spot in the bluest state in the union, Cambridge, MA, is creating community based committees to monitor Catholic churches. The city council voted 8-1 in favor of what is being heralded as Our Children, Our Community city ordinance. The ordinance utilizes a neighborhood watch model where the city is divided into zones. Each zone has one Catholic church in it. The goal of these committees is to prevent priestly indiscretions with children and guarantee that if any do occur, then the police and proper social service agencies are immediately notified.

"The latest incident with Roberto Nieves, the Archbishop of Puerto Rico, really brought Our Children, Our Communities to a vote," stated Councilman Anthony Drew. "The Archbishop has some serious charges against him. Considering the history of the Church protecting predators, we thought it was prudent that an inter-path group monitor our local churches."

The councilman quickly added that each committee will not only reflect the makeup of the local community, but also include those who are not Catholic. Each five person team is mandated to include three individuals who are either Jewish, Muslim, or agnostic/atheist (thus inter-path and not interfaith). If a local non-Catholic volunteer can't be found, then a volunteer from another area will be brought in.

These neighborhood watches will attend church services, talk to parishioners, and review documents such as emails and personnel files.

Of course, not everyone is pleased. Local priest, Father Manuel Ortiz, decries the ordinance as an assault on the religious rights of Catholics. "The Church has always been under attack in this demographically Catholic majority city. MIT and Harvard University have a deleterious effect on the faith of the everyday people who depend on the Mother Church for guidance and solace. Remember: Priests don't rape children. Pedophiles who happen to be priests rape children."

In response the Cambridge City Council has reiterated that Our Children, Our Communities does not prevent any Catholic from going to church or engaging in any legal faith-based activity. What it does do is "...establishes that the Catholic Church in the City of Cambridge meets basic community standards of behavior."

*Yes, this is a Poe.

(Though it's not a bad idea to have community based group oversee a suspect organization like the Catholic Church.)

LiP

How to Apologize

2013-05-08T07:37:00.001-07:00

Part of my Fight Club meme series

Vjack, the writer of Atheist Revolution, made a public apology today to Matt Dillahunty, and it didn't suck. I'm writing about it because making an apology is one of the more difficult things a person can do. Many times the person attempting the apology simply digs his or herself into a deeper hole by mouthing the cliche I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt. The implied message, of course, is that the person making the apology did nothing wrong, and that the offended party is simply an oversensitive crybaby.

Insight is rare. Our species has a highly developed series of strategies to protect our fragile sense of how we see ourselves in the world. We project our faults onto others, as well as not realistically gauging how we come across to strangers and those closest to us. I find it comforting to see an apology done right, especially on the internet where hurt feelings can oftentimes spiral out of control.

But what mad this I'm sorry so good?

First, it starts off with a basic, Hey, I screwed up.

I recently explained that I was going to repost some old content from my Posterous account that I had salvaged as they were discounting their service. Unfortunately, my first such post was a disaster, and I owe Matt Dillahunty an apology for it.

I always start off my own apologies with a version of, I fucked up. It's a good way get the process going. An acknowledgement like that typically makes the other person feel better, and makes the rest of the apology go easier.

Second, there is an unpacking of How I screwed up.

Nearly a year ago, Matt had commented on his Facebook page that he was going to block anyone who regarded the Elevatorgate incident as an overreaction. A screenshot of this comment was picked up and shared on Twitpic. I posted this screenshot and a snarky comment about litmus tests on Posterous. Again, this all happened nearly a year ago.

Because I was planning to revisit the issue of litmus tests to determine membership in the secular community in the future, I selected this old Posterous post as the first to repost here. I reposted it yesterday with a poorly-worded introduction which I thought explained that this was a repost from my now defunct Posterous account.

Note: A description should not be veiled as a justification. It's not a You were a dickhead, so this why I did it.

Third, there is the Why what I did was wrong part.

Based on the comments I received on this post, nearly all of which were critical, it was apparent that I had not been sufficiently clear that this was an old post or why I was bothering to repost it at all. In other words, I screwed up. What Matt pointed out was that he had changed his mind about the mass blocking soon after leaving the Facebook comment in question. Because I had not been following him then, I was unaware of this reversal. So when I reposted this old post, it had the effect of making it look like Matt was doing something he wasn't.

What I like about this is that there is confirmation of screwing up in the middle of the paragraph. It's not a gratuitous, grovelling statement -- just saying how it is.

Fourth, What I'm doing to rectify the problem.

After hearing from Matt, I wrote an addendum to the post where I attempted to clarify this. But I'm not sure that is really adequate. Therefore, I am deleting the post because I worry that it is misleading and issuing the apology that follows to Matt.

And lastly, Apology and summation.

Matt, I am sorry. I really screwed up here, and I see now how reposting an old post along these lines looked like nothing more than an attempt to stir up drama unnecessarily. While that was not my intent, I understand that it must have looked that way. My decision to post this without first attempting to learn what might have changed since the original post was a poor one, and I regret it. I have deleted the offending post, and I am clear that I should not have reposted it at all. We can and will disagree on a number of issues relevant to the secular community, but this was truly below-the-belt, and I am ashamed for having done it.

That's it.

And, yes, there are going to be people who don't take even a good apology.

Be happy that you've done your job in making what you did wrong right.

Sometimes that's all you can do.

This is Purgatory.

Report from: Atheism, How to Fail as a Social Movement Conference

2013-05-07T07:35:00.001-07:00

One of the speakers.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania It's been a wild three days in the City of Brotherly Love at the first annual Atheism, How to Fail as a Social Movement Conference. The godless flocked to the Pennsylvania Convention Center to hear prominent academics, bloggers, and the mentally ill speak on how they are ruining the secular cause in America.

"This really is a matter of Build it and they will come," stated conference organizer, Andrew Canard. "This was only a dream a year ago. There was no doubt in my mind that individual atheists were doing their best to undermine the fight against religious fundamentalism in America. However, we really needed this conference to put the stake in the heart, so to speak, of godlessness as a social movement."

The Pennsylvania Convention Center offered an ideal place for the thousands of anti-activists to meet. The one million square feet of available retail space allowed authors to parade their best selling books like Don't Call Your Legislator, It's a Waste of Time!, Apathy is Your Ally, and the all time best seller If You Don't Like Another Atheist, Go on Twitter and Act Like a Psychotic Twelve Year Old. "I got two copies of the Twitter book -- one for me and one for my buddy who's really into talking smack anonymously online," said one convention goer who refused to state his name.

Spirits were high as seminars were packed to the max. Popular writer of the blog Skeptically Rambling, Jonathan Adams, gave a moving talk titled: Leftfielding, How to Derail Atheist Meetups by Saying Irrelevant but Nerdy Facts. Mr Adams issued forth interesting points on a small French hamlet during the Hundred Years War for 90 minutes. A lengthy question and answer period ensued on topics that had nothing to do with atheism or the Hundred Years War. The most popular seminar, however, was held by Richard Galley, PhD, titled You Don't Agree With Me? You Suck! The professor spent two hours detailing the nuances of how much people suck who don't find his particular psychiatric diagnosis agreeable.
The crowd ate it impassioned lines like, "Would a crazy person be calling other people crazy? Of course not!"

The conference ended with Andrew Canard's speech detailing the necessity of presenting the worst possible ad campaigns to the public and never ever doing any local godless organizing. "Look, nobody likes doing the grunt work of community organizing. Don't do it. Tell other people not to do it. Make some really bad ads to demoralize the community. Above all be a dick to everyone. All. The. Time."

Origami Lampshade

2013-05-05T06:00:00.003-07:00

I was walking through an artist's studio/home during an open house, and saw this pretty cool origami lampshade. It was done by her husband, and didn't require any glue or tape. I don't know if you can tell by the photos, but there is an outer as well as an inner shell. Another interesting tidbit is that he used a book on the Louvre as material.

It really made an impression on me.

Maybe he would make one for you? Here is her site: Catie Nasser -Visual Artist

10 Things Not to Say to an Atheist

2013-05-03T06:01:00.000-07:00

I asked, and it was given to me.

I went on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+ and asked atheists what were the worst things a theist has ever said to them. They responded.

To see the list simple click on over to the Atheist Pig and see my (our?) guest post 10 Of The Worst Things You Can Say To An Atheist.

I hope you enjoy it.

LiP

Mishegas! -- Test your atheist news knowledge

2013-04-29T06:03:00.000-07:00

Here is the second installment of Purgatory's news game -- Mishegas! Below are several news stories. One of them is real. Click the link at the bottom, and see if you have chosen the real story.

What's the prize?

Self-satisfaction, my friends. It's the greatest gift of all.

Let's start, shall we?

Westboro Baptist Church protests Progressive Insurance commercial

Here is the offending ad.

"Progressive Insurance is mocking God and His plan. Those people are preparing the way to Hell for the biblically illiterate. God hates them and their stupid advertisement." - Westboro Baptist Church

Barry Goldwater, the original hipster

Woody Allen's eyeglasses are not welcome in this Jewish school

A yeshiva (Jewish religious school) in Brooklyn, NY has told its students not to wear the signature nerdy glasses that Buddy Holly popularized and Woody Allen has worn for years. The glasses are seen as too goyish, and not appropriate for the pious. Wood Allen has not responded.

Look! This flag has stars AND bars!

Arkansas legislature votes to put driver's religion on license plates.

The legislative branch in Arkansas has passed a bill that will mandate owners of cars, motorcycles, etc. to state their religion on license plates. It is believed that publicly stating the religious affiliation of drivers will create a driving environment where all are respected as God's children.

Here is the real story.

House Republicans Offer a Christ-Centered Version of the Naturalization Oath

2013-04-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

Washington DC In the wake of recent terrorist attacks, the Republicans in the House of Representatives have passed the America for Americans Naturalization Act. If passed into law the Naturalization Oath of Allegiance to the United States of America will be altered to meet the changing realities of life in the US.

Real reform is coming at a time when real danger faces our country. - Representative Elbridge Gerrymander (R South Dakota)

Currently, immigrants who wish to be citizens of the US must swear the Oath which has not been changed since 1952.

I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen; that I will support and defend the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I will bear arms on behalf of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform :noncombatant service in the Armed Forces of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform work of national importance under civilian direction when required by the law; and that I take this obligation freely without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; so help me God.

The proposed new and improved Oath will sum up and state what it really means to be an American in the early 21st century.

I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, sovereignty, or Mohameddian prophet of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject, adherent, or citizen; that I will support and defend parts of the Constitution that the most uneducated section of the American population care about against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear truly divine faith and allegiance to Jesus; that I will bear arms on behalf of the United States and the New International Version of the Bible when required by the law; that I will perform work of faith-based initiatives when required by the law; and that I take this obligation freely without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; so help me Jesus.

"The new version is far simpler because it strips away most of the Bill of Rights as well as a vast majority of the rest of the Constitution," stated Representative Gerrymander. "Only forty-one percent of Americans can name the three branches of government. Why do we expect new citizens to know so much when all they need to understand is that they have a right to own an assault rifle and attend any Baptist church they want to?"

Senator Mitch McConnell (R - Kentucky) has voiced concerns that the proposed law does not go far enough. "What we need is some sort of way to make sure that the new citizens keep their oath," he explained. "What we need is is an institution, say an inquisitive institution, to make sure Arabs don't backslide to their devilish ways. By Jove, that's what we'll call it -- The Inquisition for un-American Activities."

The Senate is to start debating the bill next week.

Brandon Schaible and Prayer

2013-04-24T07:52:00.001-07:00

I was reading about the latest (and predictable) tragedy concerning another child of Herbert and Catherine Schaible. I wrote about the parents back in 2011 when they relied on prayer --and not medicine -- when their son, Kent, was sick. He died a long lingering, painful death. Fast forward to 2013, and we're back to the same sad place because their 8 month old son Brandon is dead for the same faith- based reason.

On Monday, a different judge said that it did happen again, that the Schaibles - members of a Juniata Park church that shuns medical care - admitted to police that they once again chose prayer over medicine for a dying child.

This time, the little boy's name was Brandon. He was 8 months old when he died in his home Thursday after days of labored breathing, fitful sleep, crying, and diarrhea, a prosecutor said.

"When you were asked by police why you didn't call a doctor, you both responded, separately, with the same answer," Common Pleas Court Judge Benjamin Lerner said during a probation-violation hearing, referring to sealed statements the couple made to police.

"Because we believe God wants us to ask him for healing," Lerner quoted from the statements. "Our religion tells us not to call a doctor."

Of course not. That would make sense.

The Schaibles have not been charged in the infant's death. Police and prosecutors said they were awaiting a medical examiner's report before deciding whether they would be charged. That finding could take two to four weeks, said Assistant Prosecutor Joanne Pescatore.

But at Monday's hearing, Lerner said there was evidence the Rhawnhurst couple had "knowingly, intentionally, callously, and hypocritically" violated the most important condition of their probation: getting help for an ailing child.

And you read that correctly, the couple received probation (2 whole years) for killing a child the first time. This time it's serious because they broker their parole.

Why is faith-based child abuse legal in Pennsylvania (the state the family lives in)?

Apparently, Pennsylvania is a fucked up place.

Pennsylvania's Child Protective Services Law includes a religious exemption for instances in which parents neglect children's medical needs because of religious beliefs. Those faith-based cases cannot be labeled child abuse - a categorization many advocates feel prevents children from getting needed services.

You can read the whole article here.

LiP

The Secular Memorial for the Boston Bombings

2013-04-22T07:22:00.001-07:00

This isn't going to be a funny post. I feel that I should give fair warning when I'm posting something of a serious nature. These three videos I took while attending the Secular Memorial for the Boston Marathon Bombings.

The first video shows Greg Epstein, Humanist Chaplain at Harvard University, starting off the ceremony.

Here is the President of Boston Atheists discussing the bombings and its aftermath.

This last video is Greg talking with the head of the Islamic community at Harvard.

My contribution to the recent The Left Hemispheres Podcast revolved around my reaction to the bombings as well as my mixed emotions concerning the memorial service. My segment starts relatively early in this episode: The Left Hemispheres Podcast Ep. 17: Oh Islamophobia, you bad girl.

I'll get back to the funny tomorrow.

LiP

A Video from One of My Bits for Left Hemispheres Podcast

2013-04-21T08:51:00.000-07:00

I made a Youtube video from one of my bits for the Left Hemispheres Podcast. This one features some reflections on the Rapture and Christian apologist, William Lane Craig. I hope you enjoy it.

LiP

The Boston Bombings, and the Manhunt in Watertown, MA

2013-04-19T07:39:00.001-07:00

I'm writing this at 10:14 AM on Friday, April 19th, and there is a manhunt going on in Watertown, MA for the second suspect in the Boston Marathon bombings.

You may not know this, but I work in Watertown, MA at a residence for people who have disabilities. It doesn't seem that I will be going in for my shift at 3 pm today, but I have chatted with my coworker at the residence. She has decided it would be a poor idea to outside to get the morning newspaper.

Good call under the circumstances.

I've been on social media commenting on the craziness for a few hours, and I have a few bits I want to share. Note, that I have no idea how the situation is going to play out so keep that in mind as you read these.

LiP

Yes, whot should have been shot.

Addendum: It's now Saturday morning. The suspect was arrested last night approximately a mile and a half from where I work. As I was driving in last night (well after his arrest) I saw a few cars with people beeping and waving flags in celebration. Good times.

I'm just happy everything is back to normal, and we can go back to telling the Yankees they suck.

LiP

Boston secular groups join community response to tragedy

2013-04-17T16:14:00.001-07:00

I had a few hours to myself today,and went to Boston and walked the perimeter of the police line. This was the best picture I took.

I really don't like cutting and pasting news pieces here. However, the nature of the Boston Marathon bombings and the secular community's response necessitates a momentary shift of policy. Here is the latest press release on the Boston Atheists website.

Boston secular groups join community response to tragedy

Boston’s nontheists have been working to help those affected in Monday’s bomb attack. The Secular Coalition for America, the Boston Atheists, and the Humanist Community at Harvard are local sponsors of a secular fundraising effort with the group the We Are Atheism, which has raised over $20,000 to assist victims.

$10,000 of this money has already been pledged to the One Boston Fund.

Members of the Harvard Humanist community have additionally played a lead role over in raising over $140,000 for a fund to help two members of their extended Humanist community who suffered severe injuries.

Josiah Van Vliet, President of the Boston Atheists, said “I want to reach out to all those who do not have a church or a pastor, to tell them: You are not alone, and that there are others like you out here. We are also upset, and scared. Although your viewpoint may not be expressed at a prayer vigil, it is one that it shared and sympathized with throughout the country.”

Georgina Capetillo, Boston Atheists Director of Diversity, agreed. “In the wake of tragedy, it’s important that atheists be included in a positive way. We are all part of one community, and we sympathize with the victims of the attacks no less than any Americans.”

Scott Romanowski is an organizer with the Atheists of Greater Lowell, one of the partner organizations of the Secular Coalition for Massachusetts. He said, “In tragedies like this all Americans, secular or not, come together to help each other. We can work to prevent such violence, we must also be ready to respond in a unified way when our community suffers a tragedy like this.

“Our hearts go out to the victims, their families and to all of those affected by this senseless act of violence,” said Edwina Rogers, Executive Director of the Secular Coalition for America, of which the Secular Coalition for Massachusetts is a state chapter.

Plans are being made for a secular memorial service—a gathering for those disinclined to attend an event organized under a religious or inter-faith banner—to take place in Boston this weekend. An announcement with the time and location will be posted to Secular Coalition for Massachusetts social media pages.

About the BA: The Boston Atheists is the largest atheist membership organization in New England, and one of the most active secular organizations in the Boston area. We provide opportunities for friendship, education, and community for hundreds of local atheists and, as a local affiliate of American Atheists, advocate for the advancement of reality-based worldviews. Twitter | Meetup

About the SCMA: The mission of the Secular Coalition for Massachusetts, a state chapter of the Secular Coalition for America, is to increase visibility of and respect for nontheistic viewpoints, and to strengthen the secular character of our government as the best guarantee of freedom for all Americans. Facebook | Twitter | Webpage

Justin Bieber and Anne Frank Memes

2013-04-17T05:48:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm about to alienate all of my regular readers who just happen to be Justin Bieber fans.

So be it. I'm willing to take the hit.

As many of you have undoubtedly heard, Justin Bieber, the wunderkind of American pop-idoldom, recently went to the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam and wrote this in the guest book:

Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.

A belieber, for those of you lucky enough to have escaped the Bieber industrial-complex, is a fan of Justin.

In response to Justin's penetrating and heart felt reflections I have a few memes I offer you all.

Enjoy.

*Note: Yes, how funny I am is positively correlated to the level of contempt I'm feeling at any particular moment.

LiP

Atheists Respond to the Bombings in Boston

2013-04-16T09:44:00.002-07:00

Taken from the Longfellow Bridge

I found out about the bombings yesterday while listening to NPR on the way home from the comic book store. The reporter mentioned the bombing and then the station went back to its regular programming (an odd choice under the circumstances). I switched over to a Boston sports channel and heard the initial gruesome details. It was eerily similar to 9/11 when I initially heard about those attacks via the Howard Stern Show, and for a few minutes he was the only one covering the story.

Here is the official statement from Boston Atheists and the Secular Coalition for Massachusetts concerning the incident.

We know that we’re not alone among atheists and other secular people in wanting to show sympathy and support in response to today’s tragedy. Although prayer isn’t for us an option, we are ready to help by working with the Red Cross and other emergency and community organizations in any way possible.

Leaders of local secular organizations like the Boston Atheists and the Secular Coalition for Massachusetts have been diligently monitoring communications for any opportunity to respond constructively to the tragic events of the day. We may have a different religious perspective, but on days like today, those differences pale in comparison to what brings us all together as members of the community.

Our thanks go to the first responders and other support staff who came to the aid of the victims in Copley Square today, and who have been working since then to protect our safety. Above all, our thoughts and compassion are with the victims and their families.

Signed –

Zachary Bos
Co-chair, Secular Coalition for Massachusetts
Massachusetts State Director, American Atheists
Immediate past president, Boston Atheists

Ellery Schempp
Co-chair, Secular Coalition for Massachusetts

Josiah Van Vliet
President, Boston Atheists

Mishegas! The Atheist News Game

2013-04-14T04:48:00.000-07:00

I'm trying out a new game called Mishegas! Mishegas, as many of you already know, is an alternative spelling of the Yiddish word mishegoss which means craziness; senseless behavior or activity. The game is fairly simple: Below are three of news stories. One of them is true. There is a link below that will direct you to the true story. Pick the real story and you win the august honor of not losing.

If you like the game (or don't) you can feel free to say so in the comments.

Let's begin:

1. Israeli Pols Who Want To Draft Yeshiva Students Worse Than The Nazis Who Murdered Us, Satmar Rebbe Says

On the eve of Israel’s Holocaust Remembrance Day, which was also commemorated by Jewish communities worldwide, the Satmar Rebbe of Kiryas Joel, Rabbi Aharon Teitelbaum, called the looming military draft of haredi yeshiva students "a decree worse than the annihilation of the Jewish people [in the Holocaust].…[those who support drafting haredi yeshiva students are] "worse than those who murdered us [in the Holocaust],” Ynet reported. The real reason Israeli leaders want to draft our yeshiva students, Teitelbaum claimed, is that they want to “cause us to leave religion."

2. Thousands of Cats in the Gaza Strip Killed Because of Pet Food Contaminated with Pork

Thousands of cats in Gaza City have been put down by Hamas militias. The popular Islamic pet food Halal Kitty Mix has recently been found to contain pork products. Sheik Muhammed Salih Al-Ahmadi pointed out the severity of the problem "... vast amounts of pig products in Halal Kitty Mix [reportedly 3%] has turned clean animals into unclean animals... [the killing of all cats in the Gaza Strip] "is the most merciful thing we could do in order to avoid Allah's wrath," the Gaza Times reported.

3. Creationist to Present How Ancient Humans Hunted Tyrannosaurus Rex to Fifth Graders at Jackson Elementary School

Dr Joseph Mastropaolo is presenting an age appropriate version of his scholarly paper How Ancient Humans Hunted Tyrannosaurus Rex to Mrs. Demers' fifth grade science class at Jackson Elementary School in Jackson, Mississippi. The teacher stated, "The boys are are really excited to learn more about dinosaurs," the Jackson Sentinel reported. Dr Joseph Mastropaolo has become a celebrity in the faith-based sciences since he threw down the challenge to anyone who could prove the creation account of Genesis incorrect.

Think you know the real story? Click here!

Jain Geneticists Have Engineered a Human Being Who Utilizes Photosynthesis

2013-04-12T05:26:00.000-07:00

The Jain symbol for nonviolence.

New Delhi, India In a stunning breakthrough, Jain geneticists of the Green People Project (GPP) have announced that they have engineered a human being that can utilizes the power of the sun for nourishment. This individual will be able to use the power of photosynthesis -- up until now an ability limited only to plants -- and gather all the energy he or she requires by standing in the sun. Food will be unnecessary.

"The Jain faith requires me to practice nonviolence at all times," stated lead scientist Chaterjee Khannard. "Traditionally this has meant not eating meat, and refraining from certain plants that require the killing of the entire entity like a potato, for example."

What's incredible about the process is that a person can go from an animal to plant life in a matter of days. An Adenviridae virus that has had a variety of algae genes spliced into it is placed into the patient. The virus targets skin cells, injecting the algae genes into them, thereby turning what had been ordinary skin into powerhouses of energy.

The GPP first started after the human genome was mapped. Mr Khannard immediately saw the potential benefits for Jains everywhere. Jains understand that committing even the smallest act of violence pollutes their karma and can effect what they will be in the next life. "What the GPP has done is nothing short of saving millions of souls from unnecessary misery in the next life, as well as giving people a pleasant green hue," said Dr. Khannard.

It is understood by the GPP scientific team that even photosynthetic Jains will still encounter problems such as drinking microorganisms inadvertently, as well as not getting sufficient vitamin and minerals through sunlight alone. However a new line of filtered nutrition water will soon be out to meet those concerns.

There are some who are wary of the new scientific achievement.

Executives at the Food Network have taken a wary stance at the GPP. While it is understood that people eat not simply to meet their dietary needs (the obesity epidemic is evidence of that), there is concern that a world of green people will take a bite out of the food industry. "At this time we have a new show in development that focus on the various "flavors" of sunlight shown through different filters," reflected an anonymous source at the cable channel. Alton Brown, the resident foodie nerd, is rumored to be the executive producer of Good Photosynthesis.

While mainstream Christian denominations have not yet commented on a future dominated by a green photosynthetic population, the Westboro Baptist Church has taken on its traditional role as the voice of reason. Their official statement read:

We are changing all of our signs from God Hates Fags to God Hates Fags and Plant People.

Muslims and Christians United at Last

2013-04-10T04:46:00.001-07:00

Muslims and Christians Unite Against the Perils of the Platypus

Turing, the official mascot of Purgatory.

I like platypuses (not platypi, BTW). Ever since I was a kid the duck-billed and web-footed animals from Australia had a special place in my skeptical heart.

Which, of course, makes them the perfect target for fictitious attacks by fictitious(?) religious lunatics. Because that's what real religious lunatics do. They need made up monsters/problems to fight with their made up god so that they can steal your very real freedoms as well as cash.

Another aspect of this tall tale (ie.,beaver tail) is that I wanted to write about the absurd situation where religions that have been at each other's throats for centuries can agree that they hate the same things -- albeit their level of intensity varies.

I hope you enjoy this post: Muslims and Christians Unite Against the Perils of the Platypus

Fight Club and Atheism Memes

2013-04-07T18:04:00.000-07:00

There are times that I drink a cup of coffee late at night, and an idea pops into my head and BAM! I go and make a bunch of memes.

Those of you who are fans of the 1999 movie Fight Club may like these. Maybe you won't.

Tell me.

Or not.

LiP

Goose Abuse, Blow Jobs, and Atheist Bloggers

2013-04-05T04:38:00.002-07:00

Facebook status of a friend: Are people really this stupid?

My response: If you have to ask the question, then the answer is probably in the affirmative.

Here are a three stories that depict our species glaring deficiencies. They sit in my mind like that half a roast beef sandwich from Monday that I ate this morning for breakfast (Friday) sits in my gut.

So what I am I going to do with them?

Share them with you all, of course.

And, yes, these stories are all real. If you like animals and are really sensitive to their plight, just skip the first story.

Israeli Court Decision May Bring Back Force-Feeding Of Geese

An Israeli court decision that found a farmer not guilty of animal cruelty for force-feeding his geese to fatten their livers may herald the return of the cruel practice that was banned by the High Court of Justice eight years ago, Ha'aretz reports.
The farmer devised a new method of force-feeding he claims is not cruel. Israel's Ministry of Agriculture and a Magistrate's Court strongly disagreed.
But this week the Central District Court overturned that ruling, claiming video evidence submitted by the government was insufficient to prove cruelty with corroboration from experts.
The farmer's claim is that the tube inserted in a goose's beak does not enter its throat and therefore is not cruel under the law because previous court rulings judged force-feeding equipment that did have a tube inserted into the animal's throat.

From Failed Messiah

Many countries have outlawed force-feeding because of its cruelty, as have many rabbis. But hasidim, primarily Hungarian hasidim, and their rabbis have generally rejected those rabbinic bans, as have French rabbis. - Read the whole piece at Failed Messiah

The hasidim, as many of you know from my earlier reports about them, are ultra-Orthodox Jews.

This next story is real, and about the Attorney General in Virginia fighting against the evils of blow jobs.

Virginia Is For [Some] Lovers: Cuccinelli Continues Fight To Save Crimes Against Nature Law

Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli has decided to continue the fight to preserve the state’s “crimes against nature” law that bans both oral and anal sex in both heterosexual and homosexual relations. The United States Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit (considered by many to be the country’s most conservative circuit) struck down the law on obvious constitutional grounds. However, Cuccinelli has filed a motion for reconsideration to try to get that decision reversed. The current attorney general and likely GOP gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli wants to keep anti-sodomy laws on the books in Virginia.

OK, this is the law that Mr Cuccinelli is fighting for.

Va. Code § 18.2-361(A) provides that: “If any person . . . carnally knows any male or female person by the anus or by or with the mouth, or voluntarily submits to such carnal knowledge, he or she shall be guilty of a Class 6 felony, except as provided in subsection B."

You can read the whole piece here.

Bangladesh arrests three atheist bloggers

Bangladesh police have arrested three atheist bloggers for defaming Islam and the prophet Mohammed, amid demands from religious fundamentalists for an Internet crackdown.

DHAKA: Bangladesh police have arrested three atheist bloggers for allegedly defaming Islam and the Prophet Mohammed, police said Tuesday, amid calls from religious fundamentalists for an Internet crackdown.
The arrest of the three, who were paraded in handcuffs at a news conference, followed pressure from Islamists who have organised a march from all over the country to the capital to demand the death penalty for atheist bloggers.
"They have hurt the religious feelings of the people by writing against different religions and their prophets and founders including the Prophet Mohammed," said deputy commissioner of Dhaka police, Molla Nazrul Islam.
The three could face 10 years in jail if convicted under the country's cyber laws which outlaw "defaming" a religion, Islam said.
He denied the arrests were linked to the planned march to Dhaka set for Saturday.
Home Minister Muhiuddin Khan said the three arrested men were among 84 "atheist bloggers" named in a list handed over by an Islamist group to a government panel probing alleged blasphemy against Islam on the Internet...

Scores of bloggers held hands to form a human chain in Dhaka to protest the arrests while a popular blog site, Amarblog.com, said it was shutting down until the bloggers were freed "unconditionally".

You can read the entire story here.

Do you want to call the Bangladesh embassy in Washington, DC and let them know what you think of the situation? Here is their phone number: (202) 244-0183

You can also go on their site and contact them. http://www.bdembassyusa.org/

LiP

Alabama to Outlaw Abortions Unless the Mother is a Muslim

2013-04-03T11:39:00.001-07:00

Alabama is moving quickly into the 11th century.

Montgomery, Alabama Lawmakers in this deep red state have followed the growing trend in restricting abortion. However, it is also following Tennessee politicians who have recently moved to keep Muslim schools out of their state funded voucher system. The result is that getting an abortion is practically impossible in Alabama unless the mother is a Muslim.

"The people of Alabama understand that parents are simply caretakers for Jesus' babies. Those babies need to be born, grow up, and someday vote against gay marriage. Muslim mothers and fathers are simply going to raise their offspring to worship a false god and then those babies will grow up to be heathen. They will suffer eternal torment in Hell. However, if those babies are killed, then at least the spirits of the little ones are saved from that horrible fate, and get to play with Jesus in heaven," State Senator Armstrong E. Jackson.

The governor of the Cotton State, Robert Bentley, proudly signed the bill into law in the early hours of the morning. At the signing he declared that no Christian child was going to die this day due to bureaucratic incompetence. Muslim children were another matter altogether.

"I've been a deacon, a Sunday school teacher, and a four time member of the Youth for Christ advisory board at my church. I can feel that this is a great day for Christ, and a bad one for Moohamad," Governor Bentley.

The five scared Muslims who do live in Alabama were tracked down by using the mandatory GPS chip that had been installed last year to all mohammedans. One was willing to give a reaction to the latest turn of events. "Please leave me alone! Every time you people want to know where Morocco is on the map you come over here!" Aariz Jaber, fearing for his life and speaking through a barricaded door.

In celebration of the new law, Chik-fil-A will be holding a Sharia Law-free week where customers simply have to sign a pledge at the cashier vowing never to allow that faith-based legal system to take hold in their great state to get a free sandwich. Everyone is excited.

*Yes, this is a Poe. Check the links for the stories behind this fake story.