laugh. love. learn. always.

Comfort

2015-05-04T22:23:00.001-07:00

The wind forces creaking from the soul of character outside my window. While the breeze sweeps in, coating everything in a cool air of refreshment, the creak screams out in the night yearning to hold on to the only thing it knows. Not old, comfortable.

But the wind cares not. It compels change. And the creak goes on, knowing its in vein. Neither can help itself.

As the air swirls and stirs everything in its path, it recognizes not the obstacles, only the pressing force that it must continue on. And though small things may move with it, the larger obstacles stand firm. Unmoved they let out their creaks, wanting nothing more than to remain unchanged. Alas they are helpless, eventually yielding to the pressure they will become different. The creaking reaches out into the night in feabke attempts to hold on all the while knowing it had already lost.

And as the building holds fast but eventually gives way, so must we when the wind blows change. Let the breeze refresh you. Enjoy the breathe if something new. Creak if you must but the comfort you had is floating on the breeze.

Paradise Realized

2014-07-21T02:20:00.001-07:00

Vacation. All I ever wanted. The escape from the every day has been some how engrained as a necessity to get away. But after my most recent escape, I think that it does quite the opposite. The time away from the grind of daily life gives us the time to truly appreciate what we are able to experience- not only in the days we spend away, but also in the grind we have left behind.

It is not innovative to say that we take what we have for granted. But it is to think about the luxury of stepping away from that going to make you appreciative rather than losing something that makes life harder to realize all that was at your disposal prior. While gaining the amazing experiences that a break from the norm has to offer, many slip into that world of responsibility-less freedom. They may or may not be living in the moment, but they sure aren't thinking about getting back to the daily life from which they came. I found this break an amazing chance to realize how special that grind is. It's not glamorous. It's not fun. It's not vacation. But it is mine.

It forms reality. Give perspective. Providers a sense of self as well as a sense of the world around you. When it's joyous, it's special. And even when it sucks, it's special. Because it's yours and no one else can have it. We spend too mush time focusing on what we could, should, would have rather than appreciating reality for all its joy and sucky-ness. Especially in this world of constant communication and sharing, we forget the giant sections of life left in the shadows. We compare ourselves to a standard to which even those creating it cannot live up.

We return the favor to them and perpetuate to others- sharing out greatest moments while hoping no one sees past the joy to the suck sitting in the 99 pictures taken to get one worth sharing or the years of struggle behind that 1% success.

I spent a week in paradise. And instead of just taking a week of memories with amazing people, literally 1,000 pictures, and an extra suitcase full of trinket-y souvenirs (all of which, mind you, I am definitively taking), I also get to take the fact that the grind that I am returning to is perfect. Because it's mine. And quite frankly it's not a grind that I would trade for much... Except another week in paradise. I'd take that in a heartbeat.

Winds of change

2014-03-26T21:34:00.001-07:00

It's a blustery day (to say the least). I lay awake unable to sleep as the winds howl outside my window; forceful enough to disrupt the comfort of the typically calm night. There has been much devastation today, but we have to see past it. Rather than mourn the loss of a quiet night, we should look forward to the excitement of a fresh tomorrow swept clean by the winds of change on which to build the greatest of dreams.

Rather than wallow in the worry of today, why not revel in the possibility of a better tomorrow? As terrifying as the potential for damage is, it is not without risk of facing tragedy that we could ever experience something better.

I don't know what it is, but I should be scared of the eeirie sounds and the wind relentlessly pelting my window with the debris of yeterday. But I am oddly calm. For some reason I am anticipating greeting a clean slate of tomorrow. Forget the potential of the mess created the past swirling around itself. Time to focus on the better days that lie ahead.

A Pettiglio Christmas Eve Eve

2013-12-23T16:30:00.000-08:00

Twas the night before, the night before Christmas and at Camp Pettiglio,

Every creature was stirring – just one day to go!

With two kids in college and two out on their own,

Time for traditions has shrunk with the kids fully grown.

But traditions are strong and family is tight,

So we’re doing what it takes to get it done in one night.

The fish needed prepping, the tree needed trim,

The gifts needed wrapping, oh where to begin?

At least cookies were made at a night with the cousins,

With Nonni and Nonno we’d already made dozens.

So we'll start with the figures- LEDs line each hall,

Though I’m still not so sure how we power them all…

And now for the ornaments – we need 95,

One for each child for each year of their lives.

Then our seasonal game- new tradition of sorts,

A little competition makes sense as we’re all lovers of sports.

And with cocoa for all, though now some spike their drinks,

We clean the whole house from bedrooms to sinks.

Tomorrow will be filled with prepping all over,

Luminaries for the driveway and final trips to the grocer.

The trains must be set and the nativity placed,

The playlist queued up – not a minute to waste!

With cut-off sweatshirts, stained with years of grease,

We will then begin to prepare the seven fish feast.

We’ll dress up and take pictures, though that will end in a fight,

But now we are ready to party tonight!

So we’ll open the doors, our home fully prepared,

Ready to see droves of friends and family there.

And Santa will come bearing scratch tickets and gifts,

And the BARTENDER makes sure college kids all get their wish.

Another great Christmas Eve will have come and gone,

Proving even with life's changes, tradition still lives on.

Merry Christmas Eve Eve!

i used to... but now...

2013-11-15T20:29:00.000-08:00

Hope. Future. Possibilities. Was it really only a few short years ago that the world was my oyster and all this sand was nothing but pearls in the making? Where did that go?

Fewer than five years into true adulthood, that larger than life, can-do attitude has faded into the shadow of fulfillment hiding in the lining of a briefcase that now get tossed idly around. That briefcase was once a goal, the dream. Countless all nighters researching markets, proofreading papers, putting finishing touches on (read: starting and completing the entirety of) the presentation, all to get to the day that I would have that briefcase. And now I cannot wait to stash it in the trunk of the car on a Friday. Did I fail to cultivate the passion I once had? Or rather, did the passion just shift and my stubborn mind refuses to follow my heart (and honestly who can blame the brain? Does that heart even know what it wants anyway? Hint - no.).

I read all these listicles, because the internet has now expanded from cat pictures and baby videos to include these too, abut what your 20s are supposed to be like. And sometimes I find comfort in the fact that more than a few individuals spend a solid decade of their lives wandering aimlessly. But sometimes it makes it worse. How do we take a bunch of briefcase-idolizing go getters and turn them into a bunch of lost children in a few sort years?

I get it. I'm not going to know all the answers now. And that is precisely why life is such a confused mess. But some days it would surely be much easier if I could at least see the light.

blahh

2013-06-04T20:54:00.001-07:00

What do you do when nothing is wrong? When you are going through life, there are going to be times where there are obvious challenges ahead of you and your task is to think hard, work harder and do whatever it takes to get through it. From these challenges, we learn and grow and become generally better. And hell, more often than not we find a way to roll some good times into that process. But what do we do when nothing is, in fact, wrong?

You would think this scenario is a near nirvana, the utopia that we constantly search for throughout our lives. But just because nothing is wrong, does not mean that everything is right. Or anything for that matter. When things are wrong, we push ourselves. When things are right, we work to maintain that same level of satisfaction. But when things are neither, there is little reason to work for any reason; you have dug yourself a rut and you are safely trudging away in it.

The monotonous back and forth of daily life only deepens the lame state of being. And the only way out is to identify your place in that rut and strengthen yourself mentally and physically to remove yourself from it. Little is going to present itself as a means of forcing new behavior or reinforcing existing ones.

Sometimes I find myself waiting for a sign. A sign that I am doing something right, or wrong, or anything. Because, frankly, this rut is killing me. I have worn away the ground beneath me in my frantic pacing. The walls grow as the ground sinks, closing me into the chamber I have put myself in; a physical representation of the feelings whizzing around my being. But I am not so sure the sign will show itself.

So I must pick a direction and force myself to travel thusly. Even if it is not right, it should be wrong enough to force me to want to make it right once more.

you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover...

2013-05-20T21:13:00.001-07:00

... but you can, and you do.

We all know the adage about the inside being what matters; that the content trumps the package in which it is delivered. But what happens when we grow up and realize that the cover actually matters. Of course we know we need the substance, but dusty books with odd covers are often left on the shelf regardless if the content. And what good is even the greatest story when it never reaches eyes because it's fate was dictated by the facade that supposedly matters little compared to the value within?

How unfair is it to the complex and fulfilling stories to have to sit idly by as their shallow and unimpressive counterparts fly past them off the shelves simply because their flashy exteriors announce (false) promises to the world? And even when those promises fall short it is somehow ok because they "appear" to deliver? How comforting is that simple adage then? Not very, and it sucks. But the thing about books is that they got stuck with their one unchangeable cover. Us people, we can enhance our covers.

Now I am not saying that we should have to break ourselves only to squeeze the pieces of our former selves into a mold shaping us into an unrecognizable being. But I am saying that if the story is great, so should be the cover. And if the story sucks, then so should the cover. The cover should be an accurate preview of whatever (insert adjective here) is contained within.

We always try to be ourselves, displaying as much of our story on the outside as we can (or know how). But the things with people is that sometimes we don't realize how awesome our story actually is. We don't necessarily give ourselves the same chances of having others want to really invest themselves in our story because we keep the dusty jacket of yesteryear. And we should change that.

Sometimes our stories change. The way we presented ourselves yesterday might have been a perfect advertisement of the story within at that point, but our stories are constantly evolving with each experience. And sometimes we forget to update the outside to make sure our current story delivers on the promises of the outside, which we know really matters.

So look at your cover and listen to your story, and make sure that your story delivers on its cover promises. And when your appearance isn't as awesome as your story - refresh it. And when your story isn't as awesome as your cover - go live your life and write the story that delivers on those promises.

3 (long) years

2013-05-16T22:22:00.000-07:00

3 years. I have been a real person for 3 whole years. Weird.

And while the better part of my being is tempted to spend my energy looking back on an easier time, I am fighting off the depressing thoughts of how far removed I am from the free-and-fancy college senior lifestyle as I watch those I mentored 3 years ago living the dream that is the final days of college (what? I said fighting, not winning...). And I think I owe a little of that to myself, but living in the past is neither healthy nor productive so I'll give myself a very mourning period but then I'll tip my hat to the fact that I am growing up.

3 years, I am an adult now: I'm responsible... for the most part... I mean, I go to bed at a reasonable times...when I need to.... uhmmm.... well, I make plans and budgets...and stick to them... oh wait, no...

HAH - I knew it! I knew I wasn't a full-blown grown-up yet! And of course, I am no longer that crazy, bright-eyed college grad, but that's ok. Because I shouldn't be that anymore. That was then and this is now. Now, I have had so many amazing experiences that have bettered me as an individual and helped me become a more mature person primed for the best years of life.

I realized that today, I have just achieved something great. AND it is the first thing I am able to look back on in my adult life and say "Good job, self. That is an accomplishment you should be proud of." WIN! I finally relieved myself of a burden I have been carrying for years. It was an objective burden amplified by guilt stemming from the fact that I was once weak enough to not only allow, but encourage someone to place such a burden on me. But today I conquered that burden and I think I am finally starting to really forgive myself and move on. Oh crap... maybe I am a grown-up....

Time heals all wounds, but if you have some help things heal a lot faster. And I have had some of the best help a person can ask for. From family and friends that have had my back since I have had a back to have to new friends, mentors, and experiences constantly teaching me and providing a fresh take on life - I am fortunate to have had such a strong and positive force pushing me through this last 3 years and molding me into the pretty awesome woman that I am today.

I am looking at this major accomplishment as the fresh start I have been searching for. As the springboard into the next phase of adulthood (while still avoiding actual grown-up status for as long as possible. Call me crazy but I am feeling like a lot of good things might be happening soon. Here is hoping my feeling is right.

is this real life?

2013-04-19T14:41:00.001-07:00

Anyone that knows me knows that I love a good crime drama. I love to escape into the fantasy of chasing the bad guy and determining why a crafted villan executed his absurd crimes. The problem is that recently, I can barely differentiate the terrifying reality of the local news with the fantastic escape of these made up tales. The crime scenes are not sets built to look familiar, they are the stores I frequent and neighborhoods I have driven through on streets that I know. The responding officers are not actors, they are my neighbors. The blood of the wounded and killed is not from the prop closet, it is from the hearts of those that loved people close to me and protected our homes.

How is this real? I know that being in a "lockdown" is to keep us safe so I try to take comfort in a day at home. But then I watch SWAT teams invade not a camp in a warzone... or a city in another country... or even a city in a different state, but the neighborhood down the street. Down the street. That's not a random mall that they are using as a terrorist-tracking base camp, that's the mall I was at last week - there is a military vehicle where I parked my Corolla last week. This doesn't happen here. It happens, but it doesn't happen HERE.

Shit just got real and I am NOT handling it well. And this is barely happening to me.

I am one of the lucky ones - I got the "you're next-door, so you lockdown too" warning. I got the "shaken, but ok" responses from my panicked texts and frantic calls. I got to respond with "good, please stay safe" and someone was alive and well on the receiving end. There are others out there that are not that lucky. They are sitting in their houses, afraid to watch the chaos unfolding outside their front door, literally. They are in hospital rooms or worse, staring at make-shift memorials trying to wrap their minds about how they are going to continue on without loved ones.

So if I'm removed, why can't I handle it? Because this is what it means to be human: to feel on behalf of someone else. And even though we want to remove ourselves from such horrible experiences, we cannot ignore what hits home. We use physical distance to create emotional distance from tragedy because without that defense mechanism we would never be able to muster-up the strength to exist, but then it happens down the street and you have no choice but to be affected.

So here we are Boston, being affected. And it sucks. But so far we have done a damn good job. We have helped each other, we have informed each other, we have been there for each other, and we are feeling for each other. We are Boston Strong and we will continue to live up to our reputation of being the tough, resilient city at the foundation of America.

"You showed us, Boston, that in the face of evil, Americans will lift up what's good. In the face of cruelty, we will choose compassion. In the face of those who would visit death upon innocents, we will choose to save and to comfort and to heal. We'll choose friendship. We'll choose love." - President Barack Obama

Boston, you're my home. And I cannot wait until it is a wicked peaceful place once more.

growing up

2013-04-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

Forget about breaking up, growing up is what is hard to do. When you are a 20-something, you're too young to be old but too old to be young. Your years of thinking you knew it all are but a distant memory yet, you know the years of actually knowing anything are still way, way, WAY off in the distance. You've made enough mistakes to have some clarity, but the vision is still hazy enough to have no clue what obstacles are still out there - even though you know there are way more of those than there are patches of clear sky ahead of you. It's daunting - the only thing you are sure of is that you are not sure of anything.

It seems you can't do anything right. In fact, do you even know what right is?

You want to do what is right for you but with the changing times, there are so many options for what that right thing could be it is hard to judge whether you are actually on the right track. The days of being able to compare yourself to your peers to ensure progress went by the wayside with dowries. It can no longer be assumed that men will follow in the pre-destined footsteps of their father in the family trade nor should women to simply expect to be wed and preparing a nursery within a few years of graduating from high school.

We've obviously come a long way from that, but all these possible options presents an opportunity that is equally as terrifying as it is liberating. With so many options it is comforting knowing that there is likely going to be one that works for you but hard to figure out which is the best. And even harder to determine how to define success when everyone's success is now so customized rather than the one-size-fits-all success of generations past.

Being in between is difficult, but I guess this is why we focus in on the fact that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. We might have no clue how to define success or identify when we have achieved it, but we do have the opportunity to experience life with every attempt at getting it right. And maybe, just maybe, one day we will look back on this time in our lives and be thankful that it played out the way it did because being clueless and in your mid-20s was really living.

Void

2013-01-14T21:41:00.001-08:00

So many things swirling in and out of life. Wanting to do more than what I'm capable. Willing to do more than my body and mind will allow. Why can I not push myself? Why am I not able to make my dream a reality? Where is the drive? The motivation? The person I used to be?

Somehow consequences feel simultaneously more terrifying and less pressing. Still scared to disappoint, to fail but somehow not enough to power through, make it happen, care. When did it become empty? How does it become full once more? And by it, do I mean me?

I hate when this becomes more about questions than answers. This whole project was inspired by my desire to have others learn from my mistakes because I never got the chance. I wanted to make good on those experiences and even if I could mot make my mistakes into learning experiences, someone could. But this isn't about answers today.

Hasn't been for awhile. Without questions there are no answers. So I guess this is one of those necessary evils. Sometimes it seems that the more I see the less I know. I want to learn, grow, be. And right now I can barely watch as life happens and the opportunities for each of those things are passed up. It hurts. But maybe it's just a growing pain. Or maybe it's a void.

snow storm

2012-12-29T21:22:00.001-08:00

the reflection of the moon on the fresh fallen snow.
the eerie glow illuminates more than the cold night sky.

the light usually brings comfort through clarity- revealing more details than the clumsy darkness allows.
but not tonight.

the silence of the abandoned streets rings through the air.
the quietness is louder than ears can hear- bones rattled, core shaken.
the quiet usually brings serenity through focus- centering genuine thoughts from the whizzing mindlessness.
but not tonight.

the power of the snow is more that the frozen flakes taking their place, chilling our lives.

the frosty drops should glisten with wonder- covering the mess of winter with a fresh, clean cover.

but not tonight.

not tonight.

null

2012-08-19T11:14:00.001-07:00

my life is full and happy.
yet nothing I can feel.
always have that yearning
for something that is real.

of friends i have a hunded
and family is the core.
yet nothing can wake me from this daze
of wanting something more.

it's hard to keep pretending
that everything is right.
spend all day with a fake smile
wishing to sink back into night.

when nobody can find me,
i'm safe in these 4 walls.
the darkness washes over me
and i try to fight the fall.

but it is easier to not resist
no need to fight or flee.
but i know without that effort
my life will never be free.

i'll stay within that darkness
until the dawn brings the sun.
but i cannot help but hope
that this fight by me can be won.

the hard way

2012-06-26T18:14:00.001-07:00

You are never going to learn things the easy way. Because that's not learning, that's luck.

You learn more from doing (correctly or incorrectly, even though you learn more when it it the latter even though it is more painful and/or stressful) than from thinking or theorizing or pondering. But just because it is the best way does not mean that it feels the best.

Sometimes it sucks to learn a lesson. Sometimes it sucks even more to realize you are learning a lesson you thought you were way beyond learning. Sometimes it sucks the most toe learn that lesson and realize that you are nowhere near where you want to be because you have based so many choices on a pre-enlightened mindset.

Guess what? Time to move on. You can't change the past, you can't go back and "only know then what you know now." All you can do is make the future as much as you can with the knowledge that you have.

And don't forget- just because you change what you want, doesn't mean you get to say that you didn't get what you wanted in the past. It just means that you have to accept that you have changed (for better or for worse) your goal; you got exactly what you wanted, it's just time to want something new.

sometimes life just sucks

2012-06-06T08:05:00.000-07:00

this one is for my sister.

You do everything right: you work hard, you get better, you do what is expected of you (and sometimes even more). Then you fail!

...

Doesn't make sense. Nope, not at all. But wake up kids- we are not surrounded by singing dwarves and synchronized birds while we eagerly await our prince's eminent arrival (and if you are, you might want to check the date on that bottle next time...). This is not a fairy tale. This is the real world, where sometimes things really suck.

Source: flickriver.com/photos/tags/raws/interesting

But it is only sometimes. And really, it is a good thing. You see, life is relative: it there was no defeat then there would be no victory, no failure then no succes, no enemies then no friends. The sunny days are only enjoyable because of the rainy days that nourished the things that we enjoy so much about sunny days- the negative is promoting the growth (in this case, literally as well as metaphorically speaking) of the positive. And maybe, just maybe, we appreciate those sunny days more after we deal with the struggle of spending the miserably rainy days doing things we do not want to do.

And life is not about the fall, rather the getting back up. No matter how you do it, you will get up: you might pop right up completely unscathed, you might be down for a while and need help to get back or you might jump up with a smile on your face (despite a broken bone or two) and continue on as if there is nothing wrong. And no matter what brought you down- accidental stumble, intentional act of someone else trying to trip you (or just falling over your own feet if you happen to be a referee), or a complete and utter wipe-out- you will get up and you will be better for it.

The fall is where we start living - defining our character. These are the moments that push us out of our comfort zones so that we can start re-building our bigger and better selves. And it is a repeating process - once that new, larger comfort zone is established, it is time to start pushing beyond those walls as well. No one said it would be easy, but just remember that those moments where you are feeling so defeated, like you will never get up and be able to move on, are the moments that you will be thankful for: you aren't going to remember them as the time that brought you great pain, you will remember them as the experience that made you who you are.

You may have stumbled today, and you are going to fall again. But you are going to get up and become a better person each an every time. Keep falling, just keep getting up. So proud of you.

two freaking years

2012-05-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

I almost called this post, "Time Heals All Wounds." But then I realized that was a boldface lie. Well, maybe not, but it is not a statement I feel comfortable saying emphatically (or at all). Time may ease the sting of even the worst burn, it may fade bold colors into nothing more than a faint outline, it may even turn a boulder into the grains of sand that wash upon a beach. But the truth is that time changes, it doesn't erase- that faint memory of what was, even if only a mere shadow of its former self never ceases to exist, it just exists differently.

Source: http://youtu.be/LZ0epRjfGLw

Today I am different. Time has not stopped my existence, rather it has altered the way I exist and I would like to think for the better. I am NOT that same girl that just two years ago dragged herself across a graduation stage already wishing she could undo that walk and what it represented. That girl exists, and its a good thing. Because that girl, as much as the mere idea of her brings pain, she is the shadow of what was, the reminder of what has been and will not be again. Treasured for what she was, but appreciated as only a mere a memory, not an omen.

Today I am different. I have been doing this whole "real life" thing for a full two years now, TWO YEARS. And a lot has happened in that time: I've gone from full time student to full time marketer, from confident senior in the protective bubble of college to the low man on the totem pole of life, from petrified interviewee to petrified interviewer (ok maybe not THAT much has changed...).

Today I am different. This is an interesting day for me- a celebration of a great time in my life (and another great time a year later), but also a painful reminder of the past. It has made this time of year has been a struggle- on top of the fact that it is already the "in between" time. Spring- not warm and clear enough to really be summer nor cold and raw enough to be winter, unpredictable- not crazy enough to call it busy season, but not slow and steady enough to phone it in (like I am even capable of that...). In a word, complicated. In two, overwhelmingly so.

It is a beginning... and an end.... and a beginning.

Take this as an opportunity to appreciate the pleasure and pain brought on by the memories of the past, but remember that those memories are no longer the boulders that once weighed you down and they have become the sand that you can now use to build your castles of the future. Take the extra time to look at what you have already built to get where you are, and what you can build more to the future.

thank you for being a parrot

2012-05-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say you're welcome, but thats not me. The song that I am poorly trying to make my point with actually goes "thank you for being a friend." But I am starting to realize that most people don't actually want friends, at least not by my definition of friend.

Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/brittany420/3365439288/

And if you ask me, a "friend is:

one connected to you through reasons beyond comprehension, yet based in actuality
one that supports and encourages, but also kick you in the @$$ when you act like an idiot
an honest voice, a strong hand, and an easy relationship based in love

The lesson I have learned (the hard way, per usual) recently is that people do not really want friends, they want people that will listen to them bitch about their life, give advice when requested, and idly stand by as they ignore said advice and continue to do whatever it is that has been "ruining" their life. People don't want friends to help push them to become better people; they want parrots that will mimic anything they say.

Don't get me wrong, friendships are based on people with many things in common, but that doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything the other says. In fact, sometimes it is healthier for everyone to have a constructive conversation around a disagreement. I don't believe that you should blindly follow anyone- it will only get you into trouble.

I am not sorry that I prefer mature relationships where my friend does not let me blindly act stupidly, my friend stands up to me and says the things that I need to here even if I don't want to, and (most importantly) my friend trusts in me and in our relationship enough to feel that we can have the tough conversations. I am sorry for those of you that think your best bet in life is finding "friends" that will consistently agree with you and either disregard their feelings or not have enough of a backbone to develop their own feelings and simply assume yours.

They say that you are lucky do die with a few real friends. And the longer I live, the more I believe these things. Unfortunately this means less time for certain people in my life, but fortunately that means more time for those that matter more to me and matter more in life.

Living to Work/Working to Live - The Good Life?

2012-05-06T20:58:00.000-07:00

There seems to be so much entangled in this (not so) simple re-statement of 3 words. With the constant drone about jobs (or lack thereof) and employment rates (or lack thereof) and hope for eminent resolution (or lack... I think you see where I am going with this), it is easy to see why so many conversations happen around how important work is to life. We live in a consumerized society and as much as this time is forcing many to go back to basics and re-evaluate what is really important in life, we haven't turned up with anything new.

Living a life filled with loving relationships matters, but we knew that.
Enjoying life's little moments is important, but we knew that too.
Making yourself and others feel fulfilled is all we need, and yet another thing we already knew.
Great, we know what matters- but even Maslow will tell you that you need your basics covered before you can start thinking about that.

And unfortunately, contrary to every love song ever written, love is not all you need. Love doesn't pay the bills, love doesn't keep the lights on, love doesn't put food on the table. Sure, love makes everything worth having, but when you spend so much time just figuring out how you are going to afford to have anything, even only the most basic anything, love and life take a back seat. Even life goals related to work take a back seat to work. As much as we don't want to make life all about the "almighty dollar," it seems as though we have little choice.

I am very fortunate to have been put in a situation where I am able to work in both a positon and an industry I am not only prepared for, but willing to work in and within 2 years of graduation. And believe me I KNOW how lucky I am. Yes, I worked hard and made the most out of opportunities afforded to me, but I know that there are fellow young adults out there that have worked just as hard and have yet to even BEGIN to think of working in a career they prepared for, all while dream careers are being filed next to "super hero" and "princess" in the "not gonna work out as a full time career" drawer.

So this all brings me to the ultimate question- do we work to live and do just what we need to do to get by and enjoy the genuinely good things in life along the way. Or, do we live to work and continuously try to progress ourselves and the system with the hopes that one day life will allow us to enjoy those genuinely good things? And worse yet, does the work always get in the way of life? Does it have to?

I don't know.

The best conclusion I can come to is a story that was shared with me by one of my business professors my senior year of school: More Than Money - What is "The Good Life" Parable. (And if you are more musically inclined, Kenny does a pretty good job of telling a similar story in the soothingly melodious way only he can: Kenny Chesney - The Life.) The story completely stirs up more questions than it answers, but sometimes the problem is solved by simply getting yourself to ask the right questions.

*NOTE: I do not own nor claim to own the rights to the video content. All original authors are respected and appreciated for their contributions. They made the point first, I just happen to agree.

tonight i don't feel like doing anything.

2012-05-02T20:55:00.000-07:00

All I did was lay in my bed. Call me lame, call me old a heart, call me a loser with no friends (call me maybe? ok now ou can REALLY call me a loser with no friends). I don't think it much matters what you call me as long as we are all clear on the fact that I didn't do anything except work late and avoid most human life forms. I have already referenced the fact that it's been a while since the last posts which menas you have missed a lot. No need to wast time going back over everything you will catch up soon enough.

Most of the happenings in my life at the present time are like that of a soap opera- every day seems to bring so many new revelations and crazy plot twists, but really you haven't missed enough to be lost and everyone still looks exactly the same as they did 5 years ago (well maybe not that part but maybe if I get enough anti-oxidants and CoQ10 I can make it happen?). Point is even though so many things have happened there has been a lot of running in place so you'll be up to speed sooner rather than later.

So back to me being in bed. I worked late today. After having a conversation about not working my life away this morning (remind me to discuss this one in more detail), I worked until 9 o'clock tonight. #stubborngirlproblems. And working a long day is never good, except when the alternative is a choice between 2 equally appealing and appalling things. When there seems to be no right answer, it's always nice to have the decision taken away from you.

Nap On Cushions - Pierre Boncompainhttp://summamamas.stblogs.org/archives/2006/08/fine-art-friday-10.html

I hate that I am in a position where 2 activities that are suppose to be fun become anxiety provoking because of the larger societal implications of doing either to the opposing audience. Following? That's ok, me neither.

Most days friends make your life better. Some days the make it worse. Friends are indeed the family you choose for yourself, but once those friends become family then you are just dealing with the same family problems as before. So this family is dealing with one of the standard rough patches. Until then, maybe a few extra nap times.

I'm sorry but...

2012-05-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

...wait, no I'm not.

http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMi00NTJmNjljMGNhZWRjMThk

Yeah, I know- I haven't posted in a while. I could do what I always do and apologize for something that is not really my fault and/or something I need not apologize for something along the lines of: "I am sorry I have been a bad blogger and not posted for a while, I swear this will be the last time that this happens."

I'm calling shenanigans... on myself. We all know that there is a valid reason for this lull in activity and there will be other valid reasons to follow. I don't feel the need to explain why; we are close enough for that to be ok, right? Right.

Also, I am working on not undermining myself by apologizing unnecessarily. Don't get me wrong when I need to be sorry I will apologize like it is an olympic sprot and I'm going for gold. But to apologize for unfortunate life situations that are out of my control? That is simply me taking on problems that are not in my area of control, and i really do not have the time or the emotional capacity to take ownership of the universe's shortcomings.

All that being said, I recognize and accept ownership of the fact that it has been a long time since a quality, well thought out post. But I'm not going to be sorry for it.

Sorry I'm not sorry. (Work in Progress...)

Alone.

2012-04-27T20:25:00.001-07:00

Alone again. Yet it's ok? Define ok- not as bad as it could be. Not as hungry as that kid with no food, not as tired as that single mom that work 3 jobs, not as cold as that man with no home, not as hopeless as that college grad with no job. I'm ok. We all are ok. The problem is we chose to focus on the areas they were not. Alone, yes. Bummed, yes. Ok, yes. Not ok with it. Just ok.

appearance is everything

2012-02-26T14:31:00.000-08:00

As much as I hate to admit it, it's true- the way things look on a superficial level is a matter of importance. I, of all people, should probably be touting the "it's what is on the inside that counts" adage rather than the importance of the outward appearance of things, but I have come to terms with the reality of the situation. It's been on my mind lately because I have found a new talent in marring my physical possessions: breaking them jut enough to not look good but dealing with it because the function is not affected. So far I have acquired a a dented computer, a scratched car, and a lackluster wardrobe- bothers me to no end, and yet the motivation to pay to have it fixed is so minimal because there is no functional affect.

Source: http://mcgarnagle.com/2011/07/08/girl-at-mirror/

But it matters, the things I own and my physical appearance should reflect the good that is contained within them. But then I struggle with the balance if what is actually important- the steak, or the sizzle. It doesn't help that I am in marketing and have been trained (and then professionally reinforced) to make it "pop" - that no one will read your message if it doesn't look good, or get your attention. It could be the best story on the face of the earth, but without the attractive frame, the message means less.

But should the sizzle define the steak? I mean just because we live n a world where it does, does that mean I should just adjust and therefore perpetuate the superficial appreciation of things? Or do I take the opportunity to try to make positive changes. And make people think more about what is on the inside and the fact that it is indeed more important than the way it looks. It is difficult to say.

All that being said, I have to reach down into my piggy bank and start replacing and repairing the things that I have become so good at breaking and try to figure out how to be ok with that. Also, I need to learn how to be more responsible with my things, even thought I usually am- really I just have to make the one little slip-up less dramatically impactful. Too bad I really live the whole "go big or don't go at all" thing, I just wish it didn't happen with the bad stuff too. #humph. Onward...

(not) funny

2012-02-19T19:50:00.000-08:00

So I came to a sad realization today. In the context of a larger story- which I may or may not get into at a later time- I was telling a joke about how I will follow in the footsteps of one fictional Sue Sylvester and marry myself (Sadly this has become a definite possibility with the way things have been going as of late). I went on to find myself actually saying, in an appropriately comedic voice, "...alienating people one at a time so there's no one to even invite to my marriage to myself." Funny, hysterical in fact. Until I stopped and realized that this may actually be true.

I have no plan. No place I want to be. No end destination in sight.

I simply travel from day to day, feeding the needs that need the most immediate attention. There is no prioritization based on future goals because how on earth am I supposed to figure out how to get where I am going when that final destination is barely more than a hope of being something real. I'm lost. After 2 years of "finding myself" I have found... nothing. I have no clue where I am going, where I should be going, or how fast I should be getting there.

I have been focusing on finding the things that make me happy- friends, family, activities, professional and academic endeavors, bettering myself... new things, old things, new friends, and the ones that have been in it through the long haul. And I thought I was getting somewhere, I really did. I thought I was finally shaking off the dark cloud that I had spent the prior four and a half years (or 24 depending how you want to look at it) spinning around myself was looking like a reality rather than the mere dream of normalcy it had been.

I get what I deserve. I push people away, keeping them beyond the walls of false security I've been building in lieu of actual confidence, making sure that the strong facade is enough to keep them out of the unattractively vulnerable interior. I don't deserve better, because I don't want it, not right now anyways, as I cannot see myself doing anything but just making it through the next day.

Is my immediate need gratification getting in the way of achieving the longer term goals, despite not knowing what they are? Am I going to continue to make the funny vision of a guest-less wedding to myself a sad reality?

...

oh the things you can think

2012-02-19T03:26:00.000-08:00

A poem.
(And yes it is one of those ones that doesn't rhyme.)

So many things I want to do.
No.
I want to hear your voice.

No, not yours...
I'm talking to him.
The one that loves me even though he shouldn't.
So yeah, not you... Not you at all.

Want.
I wish I took the chance.
I can't,
It's not right.
We can't.

Emptiness.
It fills me from the inside.
The desperation,
Longing to fill it.

Love.
You will.
It isn't fair.
Not to you.

Sad.
I want to call him too...
And him.
Just tell me I am ok.
Anyone.

Cry.
Because it hurts.
If you care, it can't work.
Not good enough.

Selfish.
Get what I want, what I need.
Use any and all of you the way you used me.
That's not who I am, or is it?
I need to put me first, but I can't.
Contradiction.

Think.
I don't want you forever.
I just want you for now.
And him tomorrow and her the day after that.

Regret.
Too unsure of you, more unsure of me.
Loneliness hurts.
Insecurity hurts more.

Life.
Pretending I dont hate what it's doing to me.
Pretending that I have to keep putting up with it.
Pretending my life is quirkily awesome rather than painfully tragic.
Pretending I'm over it.

Alright.
Not now.
Seems like never.
Change someday.
Pretending.

moving on

2012-01-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

There comes a time when change is necessary. Sometimes it introduces itself nicely: slowly advancing until you come to the realization "maybe, now that I think of it, I could use something new." Other times the need for change comes out of nowhere and attacks you like a ninja and knocks the sense into you so hard that you have no choice but to try something new. Either way, when the time comes you have to have the courage to act.

It's not easy, no matter how good the changes is, there is a part of change that is painful. And that is why we need to do it. "Pain is weakness leaving the body." "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Yes, these and countless other quasi-motivational phrases have become tired with their countless appearances on gym walls and promotional t-shirts everywhere, but they are based in a real-life phenomenon. If we continue to waddle down the road of life, at ease, content with everything around us, then we are going to miss so many exciting things that life is hiding down the side streets and back allies we blow past just because we are too scared to even look down them. We never know what we are capable of doing until we try- we might fail, but "no risk, no reward." (See the trite phrases just keep a-coming, please see past them and see that I have an actual point, thanks.)

Moving on is hard to do because saying hello to something new means saying good bye to what is comfortable. But the time comes for everyone. Have the confidence to believe that the change in front of you, whatever it is, is a good thing and will make you a better person with more well-rounded experience. I am saying good bye to a great thing, one of the greatest things, and biggest parts of my life to date. I am scared. Petrified in fact. But it is something that needs to be done and I am doing it. Hopefully this is the right thing to do, guess I will find out... goodbye old life, time to start over.

Well I am moving: new home, new people, new job... so many new thing on the horizon which means so many new challenges and struggles ahead. But of course this brings the opportunity for so many good things as well. Some say life is what you make it, some say it's how you take it. Some say you need luck, some say you make your own. You know me, and I believe in balance, so of course I am at the intersections of the two schools of thought and am prepared to work but also hoping that I have a little luck on my side. I believe that the good will out-weigh the bad and I cannot wait to celebrate all the good that this will bring.