THE LAUGH MAKERS: Daily Satire and Vintage Video From Bob Hope Script Writer Bob Mills

FRIDAY 9-25

2015-09-24T17:45:00.000-07:00

THE COLUMN IS ON HIATUS & WILL RESUME ON OCTOBER 12

Recently PBS aired an "American Experience" segment profiling Walt Disney's rise as a filmmaker and theme park empresario. The revealing docu examined hand drawn animation, theme park design and development, and just how far patrons can be pushed before they just won't pay any more to get in
Caitland Jenner was on the Today Show last week and told Matt Lauer that her new breasts have helped to lower her golf handicap by making putts easier to line up. You think maybe allowing an Olympic Decathlon Gold Medal winner to use the ladies' tee might also be a contributing factor?
Suspects arrested in LA may soon be transported to jail in an environmentally friendly Tesla or a BMW sedan, both of which are being tested as replacements for the gas guzzlers presently in use. They're following the lead of Beverly Hills where suspects have long had a choice between a Bentley or a Rolls-Royce Silver Cloud.
Meteorologists are trying to determine the origin of a giant chunk of ice that crashed through the roof of a garage in Modesto recently. Strongest evidence that it's not a meteor is a sign on it that says "Please Close the Door After Using the Restroom."
The DEA now believes that the Caribbean is a major corridor for drug smugglers. Red flags were raised when Smithsonian Museum curators, preparing to display the first pair of Bermuda cargo shorts, discovered traces of cocaine in the pockets.
That's it for this week's headlines. We're taking a little much-needed R&R so I'll meet you back here on Monday, October 12.

THURSDAY 9-24

2015-09-23T17:18:00.000-07:00

On the second leg of his historic visit to North America, Pope Francis flew from Havana to Washington, D.C. The Republican candidates were delighted -- finally, someone in the news richer than Donald Trump. He flew on Alitalia Airlines which enforced their "no liquids" rule. During the flight, he had to change his water into more water three times. He had a stained-glass window seat beside his personal Vatican chef -- Friar Wolfgang Tuck.

During a pre-arrival press conference, Andrea Mitchell asked Obama about ring kissing protocol during the pope's visit and Obama replied, "I really don't care if he kisses my ring or not."

Arriving at Andrews, Pope Francis stepped off the plane, waved to the cheering crowd, and declared "I come in a spirit of forgiveness." Then blessed the crowd and pardoned Volkswagen. A reporter asked the Pope if he planned to name any new cardinals during his visit and Pope Francis replied, "No, but I may excommunicate several Yankee rookies."

Pope Francis asked Obama if any audiences were scheduled and Obama said, "If Trump agrees, we'll set one up for you." Then he asked Obama if he could visit the Tomb of the Unknowns and Obama said, "Okay, but only if you promise not to identify them."

Following the arrival ceremonies, Pope Francis was whisked to his hotel in an Italian-made Fiat, a last-minute replacement for his VW Popemobile. When the caravan passed a Red Lobster, suddenly all the diners had free loaves and fishes.

WEDNESDAY 9-23

2015-09-22T17:39:00.003-07:00

The Emmy Awards on Sunday won the lowest Nielsen ratings in history. The show was so dull, even the surprise arrival of Pope Francis to present an Emmy to John Hamm couldn't save it.

Security for the arrival of Pope Francis is the tightest since 9-11. Plainclothes agents are questioning anyone who looks out-of-place. They're even checking suspicious looking Volkswagens.

Jerry Lewis has donated his films, TV variety shows, and rare footage of the Martin and Lewis nightclub act to the Library of Congress. He's already donated his body to the French who will have it stuffed and put on display in the Louvre.

The Navy has okayed admitting women to their elite Seal program. Already candidates are lining up. They plan to call themselves the "Seal-ettes" and attack the enemy with high kicks in a long line.

An alarmist offshoot of the Mormon Church is gaining momentum as they stock their bunkers with food, water and ammo. They believe a massive invasion is imminent -- of Muslim terrorists, locusts,
or other Mormons.

TUESDAY 9-22

2015-09-22T07:30:00.002-07:00

On the first leg of his visit to the West, Pope Francis landed in Havana amid cheering crowds and was rushed to an historic meeting with Fidel Castro. It was one-on-one -- just Francis and Fidel -- no wives.

This year's Emmy Awards were the biggest snooze in recent history. In fact it was so dull, midway through, the producers considered moving the whole thing into a hanger with an old Air Force One.

Some of the acceptance speeches went on interminably. By the end, the director had to use a four step system to move the show along: Green Light, Yellow Light, Red Light and Chloroform in Cotton.

And the Red Carpet designer dress parade had to be shortened this year. Seems the red carpet was rented and had to be flown back to Manhattan in time for the Pope's arrival.

Seems like everyone arrived in a black Escalade. There were so many lined up, if you didn't know the difference, you could have mistaken it for a rapper's funeral procession.

MONDAY 9-21

2015-09-18T18:36:00.000-07:00

Brian Williams is back to work as a "breaking news" analyst at MSNBC. His first assignment will be to cover the visit of Pope Francis. Which is perfect, since he's a former archbishop.

As U.S. cities prepare for the historic visit of Pope Francis, huge murals of him are being painted on buildings. An 80 story Manhattan apartment building had one painted on it and when it was finished, all the plumbing suddenly worked.

Pope Francis will be on American soil for a total of six days. He'll spend three of them hearing Brian Williams' confession.

The curators of the USS Iowa are under attack for allowing Donald Trump to deliver a speech on its deck. Critics charge that it's tantamount to Tojo being allowed on the USS Missouri in 1945.

David Letterman has been signed to host specials on the National Geographic Channel. His first show will air in late November and will be entitled "Stupid Animal Tricks in the Wild."

FRIDAY 9-18

2015-09-18T14:16:00.001-07:00

The GOP debate won CNN the highest ratings in the cable network's history. Some viewers tuned in by mistake. They thought they were watching a new CBS reality show called "Survival: Trump Island."

Trump began the debate with a definite psychological advantage. When he arrived by helicopter, he gave the other candidates free rides.

A half hour of the debate centered on illegal immigration and and the threat of nuclear attack by Iran. Instead of nukes, they should be more worried about leaf blowers.

In a rare moment of unanimity, they all agreed with Mike Huckabee that religion plays an important role in national security. Without religion, where would wars come from?

At the end, each of the candidates paid tribute to the Library's namesake, Ronald Reagan. But not one of them remembered his greatest achievement -- "Hellcats of the Navy."

THURSDAY 9-17

2015-09-17T07:34:00.001-07:00

Taco Bell has introduced new "Cantinas" that offer rum, tequila and vodka "Twisted Freezes" as well as a complete beer and wine menu. As a marketing aid, police in selected cities are marking some of their squad cars "Policia National" and designating special cells for holding DUI suspects as "Hoosegows."

UPS will hire 95,000 temporary employees to handle holiday shipping. But that didn't come from UPS. It came from the Gap which announced that they have received an order for that many pairs of brown shorts in assorted sizes.

With the arrival of Pope Francis less than a week away, security is tantamount. The U.S. Secret Service announced that there will be selected "No Fly" and "Suspension of Disbelief" zones all along his route of travel.

Disney-ABC Television has added two new executive posts whose function will be "to identify and reach younger viewers using smart phones, tablets and social networks to access our product." Looks like Best Buy isn't the only company with a "Geek Squad."

The FDA has banned four new tobacco brands: "Camel Crush Bold, Pall Mall Deep Set Recessed Filter Plain and Menthol, and Vantage Tech 13. These people will stop at nothing to rebrand "Slow, Agonizing Death."

WEDNESDAY 9-16

2015-09-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

Donald Trump has sold his interest in the Miss Universe Pageant and accusations that the annual event had become a "meat market" were confirmed. He sold all the contestants by the pound with blue stamps on them.

Once considered the poor stepchild of Hollywood awards, the Emmy has steadily gained status. TV ratings have risen yearly as more big screen stars doing TV seek recognition. In fact, now when celebrities fight, they're as likely to grab an Emmy to throw at each other as they are an Oscar.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has replaced Donald Trump as host of "Celebrity Apprentice." The show may lose some of its suspense, though. From now on, all the contestants will be housemaids breaking into domestic maintenance.

Sales of the overpriced Apple Smart Watch have leveled off as tech nerds conclude that it doesn't do enough to merit its cost. And some think it does too much -- like the feature that reminds them daily "Hey, you're still living in mom and dad's basement."

The city of Anaheim is considering a total ban on Airbnbs. Officials took action after Disneyland execs pointed out that B&Bs offering hourly rentals, complimentary champagne, and free condoms were of little use to families visiting the park.

TUESDAY 9-15

2015-09-14T15:14:00.000-07:00

"Game of Thrones" author George R.R. Martin's next book, "The Winds of Winter," will feature even more bows, arrows, evil dwarfs, and animal skin clothing. Only this time, they'll be made from the designer fabric of the day -- skins from endangered species.

Prince Harry has resigned his commission in the Royal Army, with whom he served at a helicopter pilot. Tourists planning to visit London can view his old uniform, complete with combat medals, on the wine steward at Claridges.

Victor Espinoza who rode American Pharoah to win the Triple Crown will compete in "Dancing With the Stars." The judges are a little nervous. They've already warned him that whips and spurs are not allowed.

Ski diver Chris Walker set a Guinness record by solving a Rubic's Cube while free-falling from 5,000 feet. He wasn't completely foolhardy, though. For insurance, he was strapped to Rubic.

A spelunker climbing deep in a South African cave discovered fossils from fifteen pre-humans paleontologists have named Homo naledi. The completely new species could explain the long unsolved mystery of reasoning, speech and Donald Trump's ever increasing poll numbers.

MONDAY 9-14

2015-09-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

Range Rover will soon offer a $500,000 version that will deflect machine gun fire and rocket grenade attacks. Engineers perfected it while designing a vehicle capable of getting Cecil's killer back and forth safely to work.

California Governor Jerry Brown will sign a bill allowing terminally ill patients to choose when to die. Quite a change. Until now the only way to die in California was by accident, natural causes, or getting your own sitcom on Fox.

After 20 years as a Holiday tradition, Disney has canceled "Dancing Lights With the Osbourne Family" to make room for a Star Wars attraction. Reaction was about equal between boos from kids and sighs of relief from chickens.

Former Texas governor Rick Perry is the first Republican candidate to drop out of the race, leaving 16 still campaigning. On a brighter note, his "smart" glasses will go on permanent display at the National LensCrafters Museum.

During New York's Fashion Week, model Ashley Graham will introduce her new line of lingerie designed for "curvier" women. That's fashion code for "Above size 6 or more than 90 pounds."

FRIDAY 9-11

2015-09-11T08:07:00.001-07:00

This week, Queen Elizabeth passed Queen Victoria as the longest reigning queen in the history of the British Empire. She celebrated by attending the opening of the former Victoria's Secret renamed "Lizzie's Secret."

Serena Williams defeated her sister Venus in her quest to capture the coveted Grand Slam of tennis. Sports reporters are calling theirs the fiercest sibling rivalry since Natalie and Tiger Woods.

The Vatican has released the official itinerary for the upcoming visit of Pope Francis to the U.S. While here, he'll meet with key government leaders to discuss better treatment of the homeless, celebrate an outdoor Mass, and convert Bill Maher.

Pope Francis has established new rules for annulments. Along with a speedier process, from now on they'll be free. However, some lawyers are already charging up to $1000 to draft an airtight "Pre-nul."

Placido Domingo has been signed to perform the leading role in Puccini's opera "Schicchi" staged by Woody Allen. In Woody's version, the fat lady sings Dixieland and the spear carriers' spears convert to canes for the big finish.

THURSDAY 9-10

2015-09-09T17:59:00.003-07:00

After a successful run on Comedy Central, sketch comics Keegan-Michael Key and and Jordan Peel are parting to seek separate careers. They follow in the footsteps of legendary comedy duos from the past: Martin & Lewis, Abbott & Costello, Bush & Cheney. . .

His New Hampshire and Iowa poll numbers soaring, Donald Trump confidently told reporters that Sarah Palin is high on his running mate list. Sound strategy. In one move he would put Alaska in the win column and solve his foreign policy void.

Gay marriage refuser Kim Davis was released from jail and scandal plagued American Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek resigned on the same day. Coincidence? Kim prefers to call it a hostage exchange brokered by God.

A blue whale became tangled in fishing nets off the California coast was found swimming near Tijuana. Unfamiliar with the rare species, rescuers studied the whale scene in Disney's "Pinocchio" to familiarize themselves with her fin configuration.

Dick Cheney told a meeting of Republican conservatives that Obama's Iran nuclear deal will enable them to produce ICBMs capable of reaching US shores. Some good news, though. He predicts that they'll be "... welcomed as liberators."

WEDNESDAY 9-9

2015-09-08T16:46:00.000-07:00

After returning from a two-year absence, the Philadelphia Eagles have released Tim Tebow which means he's once more out of a job. His fans aren't worried, though. They're convinced that after three days, he'll rise again.

Kentucky County Clerk Kim Davis remains in a jail cell refusing to issue marriage licenses to gays. Treatment of martyrs has changed. Joan of Arc was burned at the stake. Kim's supporters burn steaks on the grill while protesting on the jailhouse steps.

The dentist who shot Cecil the Lion and mounted his head on the wall of his den is returning to his practice. Many vow revenge and suicide bombers are feared. Screeners are checking his patients for explosives hidden in their root canals.

Gay veterans who were released from the military with "undesirable" discharges want them changed. They claim "undesirable" sounds like a "dishonorable" with bad breath.

Facing a ten year sentence for smuggling her dogs into Australia, Johnny Depp's wife failed to show up for a court hearing and a warrant was issued. She's not new to this. She's already served time for smuggling Johnny into a country with a ban on pirate outfits.

TUESDAY 9-8

2015-09-07T16:53:00.003-07:00

Former NFL running back Laurence Phillips has been charged with murdering his cellmate while serving time in a California prison. Plenty of red flags here. Whether it was a locker, a ride home, a girlfriend, he was just never into sharing.

UCLA defensive back Ismael Adams was arrested by LA detectives, charged with felony larceny, and booked at the Hall of Justice. Within a half hour of posting bail, he received a telegram from the NFL: "When can you start?"

The Buffalo Bills have decided to go with Tyrod "T-Mobile" Taylor as their quarterback this season. Not everyone's happy about the decision, though. Some of his teammates complain of too many dropped calls.

As drought conditions worsen, the Nevada Water Authority has launched a new conservation campaign. Las Vegas has changed their "What Happens in Vegas" slogan to "Do it Dry, Try it High."

Fox News anchor Harris Faulkner has sued Hasbro for using her name and likeness to design a toy hamster. She's not the first. Bill O'Reilly's successful suit against Hasbro's "Happy Weasel" is an encouraging sign.

MONDAY 9-7

2015-09-06T07:58:00.001-07:00

The new producers of the 2016 Academy Awards, David Hill and Reginald Hudlin, announced that they'll name two celebrity hosts. No names as yet, but according to reliable sources, they turned down Brian Williams after deciding he might award one to himself.

Chinese aviation firm HNA has purchased Dublin-based aircraft leasing company Avolon for $3.2 billion. They immediately announced plans to launch a new international carrier to be called "ShanghaIrishAir."

Two day care workers in Patterson, New Jersey have been charged with child endangerment for organizing a "Fight Club" for their charges. Instead of a cage, the kids duked it out in an empty sand box.

With McDonalds new "Breakfast All Day," employees on the graveyard shift can now enjoy stopping by on their way to work. There's nothing like stuffing yourself with empty calories after sleeping all day.

California lawmakers are debating whether to make cheerleading an official sport with minimum participation requirements. This could pose a dilemma for Olympic organizers. Do they bunk baton twirlers with sprint runners or javelin throwers?

FRIDAY 9-4

2015-09-03T17:28:00.003-07:00

Critics are savaging the new Robert Redford - Nick Nolte film in which they hike the Appalachian Trail. One reviewer described the picture as "Down and Out in Beverly Hills without the trash cans, Dreyfus or Midler."

An astronaut from Denmark honored his country by taking a set of Legos into space with him. Nice gesture, but nothing compared to the Swedish astronaut who assembled all the IKEA furniture in his re-entry module.

Mel Gibson reportedly attacked an Australian paparazzi in Sydney who was trying to take his photo. Which raises an interesting scientific question. Do careers go down the drain there in the opposite direction?

Ohioans are all in a huff over Obama's renaming Alaska's Mt. McKinley Mt. Denali, its original Inuit name. If you think they're mad now, wait until he tries to rename Mt. Whitney. 87% of Americans think it was named after the singer.

Pope Francis is scheduled to appear live from the Vatican tonight on ABC's "20/20" in advance of his upcoming visit to the U.S. For one night only, ABC has renamed the show "XX-XX."

THURSDAY 9-3

2015-09-03T07:43:00.001-07:00

The CEO of Ashley Madison's parent company Avid Life Media has been fired. But not because of the customer data that was hacked. Evidence revealed that he was cheating on his wife with the wife of the Christian Mingle Dot Com CEO.

Turns out the state with the most subscribers to the Ashley-Madison cheat site is Alabama. More opportunities to cheat there -- with your sister, your cousins, your boyfriend...

John McEnroe told reporters that even in the shape he's in today, he could easily defeat Serena Williams. Careful, John. You're not even that great defeating toenail fungus.

Starting this week, Los Angeles cops will be required to wear body cams. Their closeness to the film industry is already apparent. Some of them have hired stunt doubles and others have requested transfer to divisions that offers better lighting.

The federal government is cooperating with major movie theater chains who are increasing their security. TSA screener applicants who fall short of the minimum requirements are being sent over if they exhibit show business aspirations.

WEDNESDAY 9-2

2015-09-02T07:53:00.001-07:00

Josh Dugger checked into a rehab facility for addiction to pornography. He'll be receiving an experimental therapy designed to demonstrate the devastating effects of porn by forcing the patient to watch John Holmes trying to act.

To curb the rash of recent drug overdose fatalities during raves, L.A. will reduce audience size from 60,000 to 40,000, provide free water and medical stations, and prominently display posters of Amy Winehouse's corpse.

During a stump speech, Chris Christie suggested that the U.S. could keep track of illegal aliens using the same system FedEx uses to track parcels. Does this mean he'd pitch them back over the border during the Christmas rush?

In view of the recent attack on French train passengers, the EU instituted stringent new security protocols that some claim are over-reactive. For instance, the conductor will still punch your ticket, but he'll do it by shooting an AK-47 slug through it.

The CEO of Starbucks advised employees to be especially considerate of customers wiped out by the recent stock crash. A creative barista immediately invented the "So Long, 401-Cappuccino" using beans first blended in 1929.

TUESDAY 9-1

2015-09-02T07:50:00.000-07:00

Former president Bill Clinton had a heart-to-heart talk with Joe Biden who's considering a run for president in 2016. He reportedly told him that running against Hillary would be a "monumental task" -- at least if running away from her is any indication.

A federal court in Washington ruled that mass harvesting of Americans' phone records by the NSA is constitutional. The court concluded that most calls are non-terrorist related Ashley Madison customers arranging dates.

Three al-Jazeera journalists were sentenced by the Egyptian High Court to three years in prison for disseminating "false news." They were popular anchors at Cairo's highly rated fair and balanced "Sphinx News."

A virginal schoolteacher from Chicago successfully petitioned the Vatican for permission to marry Jesus in a formal church ceremony. Wan't easy, though. She had to agree to raise the children Disciples.

British lexicographer Peter Mark Roget, the author of the popular Roget's Thesaurus which is still in use today, was in 1798, the youngest licensed medical doctor in the world. Of course, at the time they were called "leech farmers."

MONDAY 8-31

2015-08-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

During an Atlanta press conference, Donald Trump challenged a reporter who had accused him a wearing a toupee to pull his hair. She did. It wasn't, but she needed a rabies shot after whatever it is bit her.

Bill Gates lost $3.2 billion during last week's stock crash. Two days later, he was spotted in a Seattle Salvation Army Thrift Shop buying back one of his Armani suits for $3.

Jack Nicklaus donated the 3-wood he used amassing his record number of tour wins which Tiger Woods attempted to obliterate. Still fiercely competitive, Tiger donated the 9 iron his ex-wife used to end his career and any chance of breaking Jack's record.

A buffalo on Catalina Island gored a teen who was trying to take his picture. Rangers were at a loss to explain the attack, although one of them admitted that "Alec Baldwin had been acting strangely the past few days."

The "Dark Knight Rises" shooter was sentenced to 3318 years in prison. With good behavior, completion of rehab classes, and clemency from the governor, he'll do maybe 2649, tops.

FRIDAY 8-28

2015-08-28T08:44:00.001-07:00

Boeing has announced layoffs of key personnel in their El Segundo plant. Among them are assembly engineers, aerodynamic scientists, and designers specifically trained to make seats too narrow to sit in, but still look like seats.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's latest "Terminator" sequel is breaking box office records in Beijing. And the studio is making record profits. Arnold's accent is close enough to Cantonese, they didn't have to dub it.

The Treasury Department announced that 1000 new White House Secret Service agents have been hired. This time they'll undergo more rigorous training preparing to take a slug for the president. The old ones were taking slugs from Jimmie Walker, Jack Daniels, I.W. Harper, Jim Beam...

American Airlines will offer direct flights from LAX to Havana. The theme flights labeled "Cuba Libra!" will feature complimentary rum shooters and reruns of familiar scenes in which Lucy tries to teach Desi how to speak English.

A woman at London's Heathrow Airport drank an entire bottle of expensive cognac after being told she couldn't carry it on the plane. Then she was charged and extra $50 fee for heavy duty burp bags and a catheter.

THURSDAY 8-27

2015-08-26T17:42:00.002-07:00

Donald Trump's after Megan Kelly again, calling her a "Bimbo" upon her return from a 10 day hiatus. He did admit, though, that her "whatever" had earned some R&R.

Stephen Colbert's first show will feature Jeb Bush and George Clooney. It's the start of "Celebrities Who Live in the Shadow of Famous Relatives" Week.

Toronto police are investigating two suicides that appear to have resulted from Ashley-Madison hookups. Seems that several applicants ended up with their actual spouses.

Hard to believe that Cher is celebrating 50 years in show business this month. Well, most of her is, anyway. Nose, 46... breasts 39... tummy 33... chin, 27..

Cher credits hard work and persistence for her phenomenal success over the past five decades, beginning with meeting Sonny, to whom she claims she gave everything -- except, of course, skiing lessons.

WEDNESDAY 8-26

2015-08-26T07:37:00.000-07:00

The number of government employees and military Ashley-Madison subscribers is staggering. The Army immediately explained that they were selling Kevlar flack jackets to husbands who expected to be caught.

Big scare last week when the Dow plunged 530 points in one day. If another depression like '29 hits, Obama told an aide he might follow F.D.R.'s lead and seek a third and fourth term.

Within hours of the closing bell, the nation already had an official depression song -- Billy Ray Cyrus's "Brother, Can You Spare a 401K Rollover?"

There were slogans, too. Like "Prosperity is just around Chris Christie," and "The only thing we have to fear is Donald Trump."

Just like in 1929, former traders were selling apples on street corners. But not fruit -- I-Pads, tablets and laptops. And several soup kitchens opened. Well, almost. Olive Gardens were handing out free minestrone and bread sticks.

TUESDAY 8-25

2015-08-24T17:17:00.000-07:00

The first Bond girl Honor Blackman has turned 90. She's seen it all. She watched as .007's preference for martinis went from shaken to stirred to intravenous.

After being in contention, Tiger Woods faltered badly in his final round of the Wyndham and completed his season without a win. In his honor, Denny's has named their new "Bogie Slam" after him.

Currently exhibiting "Art Treasures From the Vatican," the Ronald Reagan Library is deflecting accusations that "Mother and Child" by Michelangelo is a fake. One of the angels appears to be carrying a stack of e-mails signed by Hillary Clinton.

A parody of Disneyland's crass commercialism called "Dismaland" has opened to large crowds in England. A favorite attraction is the "Matterhorny" in which riders are treated to scenes of Snow White and the Dwarfs engaged in S&M.

The "Shirley Temple Museum" has opened in Hollywood. Displays include props from "The Wizard of Oz," the original arrangement of "Over the Rainbow" and the glass in which the first Shirley Temple was mixed for Judy Garland in rehab.

MONDAY 8-24

2015-08-22T14:24:00.000-07:00

The release of e-mail addresses of clients of the find-a-philanderer site Ashley Madison has been traced to disgruntled employees. Seems they could no longer stand the endless loop of "Your Cheatin' Heart" played during office hours.

The house used to film 1991's "Silence of the Lambs" is up for sale. Three bedrooms, two baths, a trellis for growing Chianti grape vines, and a small fava bean garden.

Shows along the Great White Way are offering half price tickets for performances between September 7 and 20th. Falling midway between "Broadway Week" and "Fleet Week" is "Hooker Appreciation Week."

Yvonne Craig, who played Batman's girlfriend Barbara Gordon and his alter-ego Batgirl, has died. She always complained that Batman never took her any place, preferring to just hang at home -- upside down.

Scientists have always believed that the only mammal capable of cleaning its ears with its tongue is the giraffe. They are at a total loss to explain Miley Cyrus.