Laura Allan Counseling and Coaching

Stress Can Help You Be Happier

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:58:00 +0000

Are you kidding me? That's probably what went through your head when you read the title of this blog post. Nope, not kidding!

When you use stress as a way of learning about yourself, it leads to being happier. All emotions serve a purpose. They provide information about what's working, and what's not working for us. Just like physical pain is a warning signal that there's something wrong in our body, emotional pain (stress in this case) is a warning signal that something's not quite right for us emotionally.

When you're feeling stressed, stop for a minute. I know it's hard because stress is frequently all about what needs to be done, what hasn't been done, what isn't getting done. It can feel even more stressful just to stop for this moment. But trust that this stop has a purpose, and one that will leave you feeling less stressed.

Start by tuning into your fear. Stress and fear (or anxiety if that word feels more comfortable) go hand in hand. What is your ultimate fear about the situation that is causing you stress? Are you afraid that if your holiday dinner doesn't turn out perfectly that others will judge you as not good enough? Are you worried that if you don't get everything done on your to-do list that you will be seen as a failure - even if only by yourself? Are you stressing about a conflict with a friend and fearing that they think you're a bad person?

Are you stressed out about getting your kids to all their activities without having to leave work early? You might be worried that you can't be both a perfect parent and a perfect employee; you will have to fail on one front in order to be successful on the other.

Are you starting to see the common thread in a lot of these fears? They are frequently about perfectionism, and your fear that not being perfect will lead to you being judged as less-than by yourself and others.

Don't believe me? Think about something that is causing stress in your life right now. When you follow the thread all the way to your ultimate fear of what might happen, isn't it always about not being good enough, being rejected, being viewed as a failure?

So how does understanding this about stress lead to being happier? One of the keys to happiness is being centered in the knowledge that you are enough, you are good enough, just as you are. Stress clues you in to the times when you have moved away from being in that grounded place of good-enough.

Stress gives you the opportunity to stop, take a look at your fears, and realize that they are all unfounded. You may burn the holiday dinner, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You may fall behind at work for a variety of reasons, but that doesn't mean that you are a failure. You may have an argument with a friend (you may even say some things that you regret), but doesn't mean that at your core you are a bad person.

Remembering that you are already good enough can reduce your stress by allowing you to let go of the fear. Then you are able to deal with whatever the situation is with a clearer head, and in a more rational way. Your vision of what to do about it will not be clouded by your need to prove that you're really okay - because you already know that.

We all make mistakes, we all have difficult situations. None of that means a thing about our value as a human being. We are all already perfect human beings. When you can remember this in a time of stress, you will be happier.

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Gratitude => Happiness = Happy Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 17:11:00 +0000

Expressing gratitude makes me feel good. I feel happier when I'm focused on all the gifts in my life. I've discovered that the more I look for things in my life for which I'm thankful, the more things I find! The more I give thanks, the happier I am.

Do you think that taking time on a regular basis to express gratitude for your own blessings is something that would help you be happier?

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Use this opportunity of the whole country being focused on giving thanks to set an intention to express your gratitude daily for the next year. Then see how you feel come next Thanksgiving Day. I have no doubt you will be happier, even if you're already happy.

So, start a gratitude journal where you record 5 things every day for which you are grateful. Or start a ritual of giving thanks before each meal. Use your daily walk, run or elliptical time to list everything you're grateful for in your mind. However you choose to implement it, do give thanks daily and notice the difference it makes in your life.

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Authenticity: The Ultimate Antidote to Anxiety Created by Perfectionism

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 15:48:00 +0000

The first guidepost in “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are ,” and the primary way to battle perfectionism is authenticity. Being authentic means being who you really are, not who (you believe) others expect you to be, or who you think you should be. Authenticity is an admirable – and very useful - goal, but can be very difficult for perfectionists because we believe that who we really are is not good enough, or in some cases we even believe that our true self is some horrible monster, or at least has some monstrous attributes.

Part of being a perfectionist is usually wanting to always be liked, not wanting to upset anyone. How do I deal with it when someone doesn’t like the real me? Additionally, those of us who have spent our entire lives pleasing others and being who we think they want us to be can have a hard time even knowing who we really are.

Given these difficulties, how do you go about being more authentic in your life? The starting place is tuning into when you’re being inauthentic. Here are some clues that you’re not being your true self:

· You frequently have to think carefully before responding to a question or an issue.

· You feel unhappy or vaguely dissatisfied with your life in general.

· You change your personality based on the situation.

· You say “yes” when you want to say “no.”

· You do things that are not in line with your values because others expect you to.

· You avoid or accommodate during conflict to make things easier.

Once you start noticing when you’re not being authentic, see if there’s a pattern and pick the things that you do most frequently to target first. Let’s say you notice that you are always weighing what you want to say based on what you think the other person’s response will be.

When you notice yourself editing or censoring yourself, take a minute to think about what you would choose to say if you didn’t worry about upsetting the other person or there being a conflict. What would happen if you just said what you really thought?

The idea of doing this will create some anxiety. The way to reduce the anxiety is the old adage: “feel the fear and do it anyway.” What usually happens is not nearly as bad as what you imagine. This gives you evidence that you can still be liked by others even if you say what is really true for you.

One way to prepare yourself to actually speak more authentically is to play the if-then game. Ask yourself, “if I said what I really thought (in this situation) what would happen?” You’ll come up with a potentially scary answer, then ask “Then what?” and continue this way to the final conclusion. You will usually find that the worst case is not nearly so bad, and often you will also find that what you’re telling yourself will happen is pretty unlikely or even ridiculous.

The value of becoming more authentic is first of all that you will be spending a lot less energy worrying about what you should say or do. Secondly, you will begin getting evidence that who you really are is pretty okay, that others like and accept the real you. This then makes taking even bigger steps towards authenticity easier.

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Is Perfectionism Creating Your Anxiety and Depression?

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 16:39:00 +0000

This is the first of a series of blog posts in which I share my thoughts and perspectives on the ideas and tools in Dr. Brene’ Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. As a “recovering” perfectionist myself, this book really resonated for me, and has proved to be very useful for a number of clients, as well. I hope you will find my take on it to be helpful for you as well.

How do you know if you’re a perfectionist (or you may prefer to call yourself an over-achiever)? Does any of this sound like you?

· I’m always worried about what others are thinking about me

· I feel weak if I ask for help; I should be able to handle it all

· Making a mistake is a failure; anything other than complete success is failure

· If there's conflict, I must be at fault in some way

Are you nodding your head as you read this description?

Dr. Brown defines perfectionism in the following way:

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.

I know many of you perfectionists reading this may be telling yourself that there’s nothing wrong with always doing your best; in fact it is a good thing. If this is where you’re at, stop for a minute and think about the toll your perfectionism is taking on your life.

Do you:

· Have trouble sleeping because you’re replaying all the things you did wrong that day?

· Procrastinate or avoid doing things that you think you won’t be good at?

· Feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster that’s dependent on how you’ve performed today?

· Worry about being rejected (personally or professionally) because you’re not good enough?

Even if only one of these things are true for you, imagine how much better you would feel, how much better your life would be, if that were no longer an issue.

The truth about perfectionism is that it is all about trying to control the perceptions that others have of us. We don’t feel good enough on the inside, and to keep from being found out by others, we have to work really hard at being perfect on the outside. We’re always risking rejection (in our minds) if someone finds out that we’re not really perfect. It’s exhausting!

Of course the reality is that all of us are already good enough. We all deserve love and acceptance just because we exist; we don’t have to earn it. For those of you who are parents, you might be able to feel the truth of this when you think about how you love your children. You probably loved them before they were even born, before you knew if they were “nice” or “high achievers” and before they had ever performed a single task.

You deserve that same love and acceptance, and it starts with loving and accepting yourself as good enough just the way you are.

The Gifts of Imperfection offers 10 Guideposts to help you through the journey of letting go of your need to be perfect and finding self-acceptance. Each of the following blog posts shares my perspectives and ideas on one of these 10 Guideposts.

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30 Days to Break Any Habit

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 19:11:00 +0000

Bad habits can be hard to break. Regardless of the habit, destructive behaviors keep you away from the life you desire.

Unhealthy habits can have a negative impact on your physical and mental health and leave you feeling as if you don't have enough control over your impulses. While change is frequently challenging, having a plan can make it easier.

This step-by-step plan can help you eliminate any bad habit:

1. Monitor the habit for a week. Make note of the times you're likely to engage in the habit. Maybe you only smoke around certain friends. Perhaps you bite your nails when you're stressed or bored. At any rate, identify under which circumstances your habit is most likely to rear its ugly head.

2. Find out why. Your habit is satisfying some need. You're gaining a benefit or you wouldn't be exhibiting the behavior at all. Figuring out the positive aspects of your habit will help you understand it. Once you understand it, you can begin to change it.

3. Develop a substitute behavior. Find a more acceptable alternative that satisfies the same need that was being met by the old habit. So if your habit helps you to deal with stress, what are some healthy alternatives? Yoga? Other exercise? Deep breathing? Meditating? Singing? Watching a comedy? Calling a friend?

· What could you do instead that isn't harmful? Better yet, what could you do instead that would be healthy for you?

· Start substituting the new habit for the old. It will take a fair amount of attention at first, but begin intentionally substituting the new behavior each time you would automatically use the old behavior. It's likely to be challenging, but with a positive focus, you can do it.

4. Measure your progress. Keep track of how many times you engage in the old habit and how many times you engage in the new habit. Progress can be difficult to determine without measurement; if you don't know where you are, how will you know if you're moving forward or backward? By measuring your progress, you accomplish two things:

· You get feedback so you know how successful you are.

· You have the added motivation of seeing your progress.

5. Be patient. Take one step at a time. Complete perfection is unreasonable, but a little perfection can work wonders. Don't be upset when the inevitable slip occurs while you're breaking your old habit. Just examine the situation dispassionately and determine a better solution for the next time. You still gain a lot by decreasing the frequency of the bad habit.

· A good idea is to focus on having one perfect day today. The idea of one day without the habit may seem quite reasonable - and doable - to you. A string of perfect days is a lot easier than trying to be perfect for an extended period.

· For tough habits, a perfect hour might work better for your short-term goal.

Now that you're armed with a process, you can start eliminating that bad habit today. In 30 days, the new, healthier habit should be a part of your routine without requiring as much conscious effort. Changing to more positive habits can be challenging, but you gain a wonderful feeling of accomplishment when you do so.

Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC LinkedIn
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Are Your Limiting Beliefs Holding You Back?

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 20:03:00 +0000

Our beliefs have a profound impact on our behavior. The behaviors that we display over an extended period determine the quality of our lives.

For example, if you believe that you can only hold a manual-labor job, you would never attempt anything else. So truly changing your life is dependent on changing your beliefs.

What is a limiting belief? It is any belief that the causes us to filter out options prematurely. It is a belief that is based on fear (what I can't do or be) rather than possibility.

If you have limiting beliefs, this process can help you change them to beliefs that better serve you.

Write down your answers to these questions:

1. Which belief do you want to change? You need to be able to see it to work with it effectively. So write it down. For example, one limiting belief you might have is: "I will never have a lot of money."

2. What has the belief cost you? Make a list of all the ways this belief has negatively impacted your life. Really think about it, because it helps to have as much negative ammunition to get rid of that old belief as you can get. Spend some time; it might even take a couple of days to get a complete list.

3. What advantages has the belief provided you? Maybe believing that you could never be wealthy has allowed you to avoid taking risks. Or perhaps it has allowed you to work at a profession that's easy for you. It might be hard to figure out what the advantages are, but they are there.

4. What new belief would you like to have as a replacement? For example, for the belief listed above, a new replacement might be: "I can make any amount of money I set my mind to." Be thoughtful and develop a new belief that will serve you well in the future.

5. How is the new belief better than the old belief? Come up with an emotionally charged list of ways in which the new belief will impact your life for the better. Consider how you would feel. What could you become? How would your lifestyle change? Would it help other people around you?

6. How can you start demonstrating the new belief today? Following our wealth-theme, it might not be the right time to plan the interior of your private jet just yet. What could you do right now? Make a plan to make more money? Start looking for a better paying job? Look for ways to invest the money you already have? Even a small change can help the process.

Start Living Your New Belief

It might not be easy at first, but taking the time to complete the steps above will make it easier. Each day try to behave as if you hold the new belief. What would you wear? How would you speak? How would you view the world? How would you make decisions? How would you react to good news? Bad news?

While our behaviors determine the quality of our lives, our beliefs largely determine our behaviors. Beliefs are really the core to everything you do and become.

Beliefs can be challenging to change, as they're frequently developed at a young age, so you might have lived in accordance with your limiting beliefs for a long time. However, with diligence and attention, they can be altered. Changing your beliefs will change your life.

Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Conclusion

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 16:27:00 +0000

Over the past 6 weeks I've shared the top 10 reasons you aren't where you want to be. They are:

Reason #1: You Don’t Know What You Want

Reason #2: You Don’t Have a Plan to Get from Here to There

Reason #3: You Lack the Resources

Reason #4: The People Around You Don’t Support You

Reason #5: You Don’t Really Want What You Think You Want

Reason #6: You Lack the Skills

Reason #7: You Lack Stamina

Reason #8: You’re Scared of Failure

Reason #9: You’re Scared of Success

Reason #10: You Don’t Think You Can

Conclusion

After presenting ten different reasons you aren’t where you want to be, it’s my intent not to overwhelm you with information, but to inspire you. Maybe you’ve identified only one reason you’re stuck where you are; maybe you saw yourself in all ten! In any case, I hope that you are prepared to make some changes to move yourself forward.

It doesn’t take huge movements to make progress; in fact, sometimes the biggest results come from the smallest actions, like giving up sugary soda, or making one more cold call at the end of the day. It’s the repetition of those small acts over time that brings about huge results.

I hope that after finishing this report, you have some clear ideas of changes – small and large – that you can undertake right now, today. I wish you only the best.

To read the full report with details about each of the 10 reasons, and what do do about them, sign up here:

Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Reason #10

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 17:26:00 +0000

Getting frustrated waiting to find out all 10 reasons and their solutions? Now you can get the entire article with all 10 reasons right away. Just sign up at the box in the right hand column to receive the article in email. ==>

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Reason #10: You Don’t Think You Can.

We all talk to ourselves. A major key to success exists in what we say to ourselves, which helps to shape our attitude and mindset.
Darren L. Johnson

When it comes right down to it, there’s only one real barrier that will keep you from achieving anything you set your mind to, and that’s this: Your belief in yourself. If you don’t honestly believe you are capable of achieving your goals, your chances of doing so are very limited. And by the same token, if you honestly believe you CAN achieve your goals, there’s nothing that can stop you.

Many of us grew up with a limited sense of self-esteem and self-confidence. We constantly doubted our ability to do anything, from cross the street by ourselves to get a date. While this could spring from overprotective parents, who just wanted to protect us from the big, bad world, it resulted in lack of confidence that carried over to our adult life.

The only way out is through. The only way to build self-confidence is to do things you are nervous about. That means talking to strangers in line at the grocery store if you’re hoping for a career in direct sales, or posting some of your poetry on your blog if you’re interested in becoming a writer. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

There is no shortcut to self-esteem or confidence. No one can give it to you, which is where so many of the school programs aimed at enhancing kids’ self-perception go wrong. It must be earned, the old fashioned way, through risk and reward.

The great thing about confidence is that you can start small. If you want to complete the Ironman Triathlon, you don’t have to start at Lake Placid. Instead, you can run around the block and swim a length of the pool. Then you run a mile and swim two lengths, and bike home. You build and build and build, and while you’re building your muscles, you build your confidence. You know you can swim two laps because last week you swam one and a half. You know you can sell $500 in a week because last week you sold $400. You know you can get three customers because you have two right now. And so it goes.

Sometimes you may fail; you only make it one and a half lengths, or you only sell $467 in a week. But by looking at where you’ve come from and how far you’ve gone, you know that the next step is within your reach. And when you feel that in your very soul, you will be unstoppable. There is no obstacle or challenge that will be too large for you to overcome, because you know you can.

Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Reason #9

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 16:32:00 +0000

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Reason #9: You’re Scared of Success

Action is the foundational key to all success.
Pablo Picasso

Susan wanted to go back to school after her twins had left for college to get her law degree. She wasn’t worried about being the oldest one in her class. She wasn’t worried about keeping up with the studies. She wasn’t even worried about taking the LSAT. Here’s what worried her:

“Who will take care of my dogs if I go back to work full-time? They’re used to having me home all day.”

This talented, vibrant woman was willing to put the imaginary wishes of her dogs three or four years from now, before her own desire to become a lawyer. Something else had to be going on!

A little digging showed that the dogs were just a convenient excuse. What she was really worried about was upsetting the carefully crafted balance she and her husband had stuck in their married life. He was the breadwinner; she was the homemaker. If she did something different, she wasn’t sure how he would respond. What if he left her? What if the friendships she’d cemented over PTA bake sales and field trips and Little League games couldn’t weather the change from stay-at-home mom to career woman? What if she lost everything she’d built her life upon?

Susan was afraid of success. Actually, it wasn’t fear of the goal itself, but of the byproducts of achieving her goal. The domino effect of making one change in her life – going back to school – might be more than she could handle.

If you find yourself not doubting your abilities, but feeling anxious about pursuing your goal because you’re not sure what will happen if you do, you may be like Susan. And it is a legitimate concern. Change often begets more change – more than we bargain for. But there are ways to prepare for it.

Talk to the people closest to you. Share your fears about the changes in your relationship that might happen as a result of pursuing your goal. You may be surprised to find that they don’t care one whit whether you’re dressed in blue jeans or a three-piece suit; they just want to know they’ll see you at Bunco once a month.

Be honest about your concerns. Don’t misplace your anxiety about your marriage onto your dogs – or your kids.
Realize that change usually happens in increments. Yes, going back to school will be a radical change, but the subsequent adjustments in relationships will be more gradual. You will have time to talk about them and discuss them.
Work with a coach or other expert. Coaches are trained in managing change, and will be able to help you predict some of the other secondary adjustments that may result.

Yes, things will change. But not all change is bad; in fact, you may find that your life in every area ends up better than you had ever hoped it would be. And that the dogs don’t miss you all that much anyway.

Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Reason #8

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 15:48:00 +0000

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Failure is success if we learn from it.
Malcolm Forbes

Any coach can point to a handful of clients who seemed to have all the talent, resources, and determination in the world, but for some reason, they were never able to reach their goals. They talked the talk, and walked the walk – for a while. But suddenly, they disappear into the sunset, becoming just a distant memory.

In my experience, it’s fear of failure that keeps these people stuck where they are, despite their resources and skill. They somehow figure that they’d rather be where they are, safe and sound, then venture out into the unknown and possibly not succeed that which they’ve set out to accomplish. They come up with every excuse in the book as to why they can’t do such-and-such:

-It’s too cold.

-It’s too hot.

-Everyone knows you don’t start (fill in the blank) in the summer (or winter, or fall, or spring).

-They need to take another class.

-They need to get their office ready.

-They need to wait for their youngest to start kindergarten, their oldest to start college, their husband to die, their wife to get well.

There’s always a reason why now is not the right time – but the real reason is that they’re simply afraid of not being able to make the grade. And then who knows what would happen if they (gasp!) failed?

Ironically, it’s the fear of failure actually causes them to fail! And they’re still alive, stuck in their little shell. So I guess failure wasn’t so bad after all, was it?

When working with people who have a fear of failure, sometimes direct questioning is the best method to get them to recognize their obstacle:

If not now, when?

If not you, who?

If you have this goal on your heart, then it’s there for a reason. You may be the only person who can bring that particular goal to reality in the exact way you dream of. If you don’t do it, no one will!

The truth is, there is never going to be a perfect time to start. And the truth is, you’ll likely have some stumbling blocks along the way. Everyone does. But you have to reach a point where staying where you are and never unwrapping your dream is more painful than any risk of misstep or failure. Then, and only then, will you be prepared to move forward. And I bet you’ll find it wasn’t anywhere near as scary as you thought it would be.

As the Nike ads say, "just do it."

Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Reason #7

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 20:43:00 +0000

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Reason #7: You Lack Stamina

Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.
George Edward Woodberry

Take a sprinter on a long run with a marathoner and you’ll notice something: The fastest man in the world isn’t so fast once you get past the first 10 miles. The marathoner, who started out at a more moderate pace, slowly overtakes the sprinter who has trained himself for short distances. It’s the classic tale of the tortoise and the hare.

If you tend to start out with a bang on a new idea or project, only to get discouraged when you hit that mental “wall” around mile 13, you may be out of shape. And while you may be banking on becoming the next overnight success, you need to know that:

The true overnight successes of today become the one-hit wonders of tomorrow, and
Most overnight successes were many years in the making.

Look behind virtually any rags-to-riches story, from Susan Boyd to Zappos, and you’ll see that years went into the preparation for their time in the limelight.

If you see yourself having trouble with your stamina, it’s time to work on building your endurance. Here are some exercises to help you:

Track your progress. Often progress is so incremental that you can become discouraged before you hit your goal. Write down the successes – small and large – and review them regularly to remind yourself that you are making progress. You may even want to make a large visual representation of your goal and track your progress towards it, just like schools put up huge thermometers to show how much money they’ve earned towards their pool fund.
Pace yourself. The marathoner knows that going out as fast as possible in the first mile is usually a recipe for disaster. Yes, you’re excited about your new venture, but keep some of that excitement in reserve. You may feel like staying up until all hours working on your business plan, and while that’s great, don’t expect to be able to maintain that level of commitment for weeks or months on end.
Cross-train. Find other activities to give you a break from your main focus. You just might find that time away from your goal refreshes and energizes you, and keeps you from burning out. Even if it’s just an evening a week, make sure you take mini-vacations.
Find a partner. Partners are great whether you’re heading to the gym or working your way through med school. Sometimes an outside commitment is needed to help you stay accountable and stay on track. Having someone who understands the challenges you’re facing can make all the difference between giving up and going on.

While a sprinter can be in great physical shape, most goals require a long-distance mindset. Remind yourself what the tortoise knew: Slow and steady wins the race.

Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Reason #6

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 17:31:00 +0000

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Reason #6: You Lack the Skills

Belief in oneself is one of the most important bricks in building any successful venture.
Lydia M. Child

Someone can know academically how to remove an appendix, but you wouldn’t want someone to take a scalpel to you who had never been trained – no matter how many books they’d read and videos they’d watched. There can be a big gap between knowledge and skill, and that may be what is holding you back.

Once you’ve identified what you need to learn, the next step is to try it. Skill can only be developed in one manner: Through practice. You can’t create a top-notch video… until you create a bunch of not-so-great ones. You can’t cook a gourmet meal… until you create a bunch of so-so ones. You can’t give a standing ovation-worthy keynote speech… until you give a few snoozy ones. You can read, study, learn, and learn some more – but until you actually try and refine your skills, you’re not going to get better.

There are a couple of misconceptions that hold us back from putting our knowledge to work:

We think we need to “know it all.” The problem with gaining knowledge in today’s online world is that there’s no end to what we can learn. There’s always another class, blog post, video, article, or guru that we can consume. Solution: Pull the plug. Remind yourself that you cannot have perfect knowledge, and that is okay.
We think knowledge is better than practice. In fact, the opposite is often true. Practice, as the old saying goes, makes perfect. There’s no substitute for picking up the golf club and swinging it over and over again – but that practice could very sell substitute for reading another book on hitting the perfect drive.
We fear imperfection. We somehow think that “everyone else” is perfect and never falls down, sends out an email with an embarrassing typo in it, or otherwise struggles at first. This is so false; anyone who has mastered something, from making money to making a cake, went through failure first.

Sometimes, the only solution is to get out there and try. Publish the first blog post. Send in the first article. Sing the first song. Refinement comes through practice, and there is no shortcut to mastery. You can read as many books as you want, but true skill will only come with trial and error.

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Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Reason #5

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 15:48:00 +0000

Reason #5: You Don’t Really Want What You Think You Want

Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask.

Act! Action will delineate and define you.

Thomas Jefferson

Everyone wants 2.4 kids and the white picket fence… right?

Everyone wants a vacation home in the mountains… right?

Everyone wants to look like Jennifer Aniston or Brad Pitt… right?

Everyone wants to run their own business and be their own boss… right?

Wrong.

When it comes to dreams, one size most definitely does NOT fit all. Our dreams and goals are as individual as we are, and adopting someone else’s goals as our own can feel like wearing someone else’s shoes: It looks okay to everyone else, but to us, it feels awful and gives us blisters.

There are thousands, if not millions, of people out there striving for the wrong goals. Wrong not because there’s anything inherently bad about them, but wrong because the goals they’re aiming for are wrong for THEM.

There’s the med school student who loved her accounting and finance classes in college… but set any thought of being an accountant aside because her mom and dad are both doctors.

There’s the successful salesman who would really love to chuck it all and teach English, but he’s making too much money and only a crazy person would throw away a six-figure paycheck.

There are frustrated dentists, bakers, and candlestick makers. There are frustrated sheep farmers, personal trainers, bail bondsmen and police officers. Frustration knows no geographic, socioeconomic, or race or religious boundaries.

The only way to know if the goals you’re aiming for are the right goals is to figure out if they are your heart’s desire. Sometimes it takes some detective work to peel back the layers of societal and family expectations to get at what YOU really want.

There are clues all around you: If you fall asleep dreaming about something, wake up thinking about something, and find yourself perking up whenever you meet someone doing what you’d like to do, you’re on the right track. Meanwhile, if you get a sinking sensation when you pull into the garage of house with the white picket fence, or find yourself calling in sick to that six-figure job “everyone” would kill to have, then you may be in the wrong place… for you.

So what do you do if you find you’ve been chasing after the wrong dream? You readjust. You find ways to move your current life closer to the one you really long for. Maybe that means getting up an hour early to work on your mystery novel. Maybe it means spending your weekends teaching art to inner city kids. Maybe it means volunteering to do taxes at the senior center. Take a small step and see how it feels. Then take another, and another, until you know deep in your heart you’re on the right track. If you are, the momentum will carry you forward.

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Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Reason #4

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 17:18:00 +0000

Reason #4: The People Around You Don’t Support You

I know where I'm going and I know the truth, and I don't have to be what you want me to be. I'm free to be what I want.
Muhammad Ali

In the last section, we discussed lack of resources, including lack of support. In my experience, that is the biggest obstacle for people reaching their goals. Isolation, or even downright discouragement, can thwart even the most dedicated individual. To put it bluntly, you need a cheering section.

Few people like change, especially change they don’t ask for or control. Those closest to us in our everyday life have a vested interest in keeping things – including you – the same as they’ve always been. After all, if you lose weight/get out of debt/get a new job/quit drinking/start a new business, what does that say about them?

There will be three groups of people in your life:

Those who are avid encouragers. They get up early to go to the gym with you, find magazine articles on starting your own business, and offer to house-sit while you go to a conference. These people are golden!
Those who don’t get it and don’t talk about it. They watch from the sidelines, scratching their head, as you start eating green, talk about SEO or autoresponders, and wonder what you’re up to now. They won’t actively discourage you, but the fact they don’t even ask about your latest accomplishments can leave you feeling bereft and slightly depressed.
Those who are out to make you fail. That sounds harsh, but it’s true; a certain group of people will not want you to quit smoking, or find a new job. They like things just as they are, and they take it as a rejection of them and their choices if you succeed. Note: Unfortunately, these are often the people who are closest to us.

The solution is to minimize your contact with those who discourage you, and maximize your contact with those who want you to succeed. Avoidance can be tough if you happen to be married to a discourager; this is when you’ll have to make a decision about what’s most important in your life, maintaining the status quo or reaching your dreams.

If you need more supportive people, you can find them! Here are some resources online to track down like-minded individuals:

Meetup.com. Type in your city and your interest and find other small business owners, organic farmers, or model train aficionados.
Yahoo! and Google Groups. Search for others who are interested in the same types of things you are.
Twitter. Search by hashtag (#) for your area of interest.
Facebook.com. Tons of pages on everything from mothers who run to pet groomers.

One other way to find supportive people: Find a coach! A personal trainer, a business coach, a dietitian… there are tons of experienced professionals who can help get you where you want to be. The benefits of their experience can save you time and money as you pursue your dreams.

There’s no need to go towards your goal alone. Whether you hire a coach or find a virtual buddy to back you up, there are people who would love to see you succeed.

Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC LinkedIn
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Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Reason #3

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 21:55:00 +0000

Reason #3: You Lack the Resources

Great emergencies and crises show us how much greater our vital resources are than we had supposed.
William James

Have you ever watched a show like Clean Sweep, Trading Spaces or The Biggest Loser and said to yourself, “Of COURSE they can lose weight/clean out their clutter/redesign their home. They have a team of experts at their beck and call!”

Well, while not everyone – and in fact, very few of us – can have Oprah’s dietitian, Jillian Michaels for a personal coach, and an interior designer to rework our home, we do need to find and use resources to help us achieve our goals. If we find ourselves stymied on the way to success, we just might be experiencing a lack of resources.

Resources fall into several types. Let’s look at each one and discuss ways to get the resources you need to get where you want to go:

Monetary. Usually, when we think we don’t have the resources to complete a goal, we think it’s a monetary issue. It’s true that some goals take cash, but most of the time, we think of money as the solution to all our problems. While it can definitely help smooth the way, there are other methods to getting the resources we need besides purchasing them. For instance:

Bartering. Trade your expertise for someone else’s services. If you’re looking for a personal trainer, swap your Internet marketing skills for her training.
Borrowing. One of the biggest disadvantages to our geographically disconnected world is the inability to borrow from each other. But why not reconnect with your neighbors? Someone may have a car they’re not using and would be glad for you to use it to get to your night class across town. Someone else may have a summer house on the shore and would be happy to let you camp out there for weekends in the winter to work on your book. You won’t know until you ask.
Renting/Timeshare. Pretty much anything you want or need, from a horse to a car to a ski house, can be available for a timeshare or rental. Go online and google your desire and see what comes up.

Time. Time may be even more of an issue than money when it comes to reaching your goals. We often say, “I just don’t have the time!” when we mean, “It’s just not important enough to me right now.” The truth is, we all have the same number of hours in the day. You don’t have any fewer hours than the person who’s out there training for an Ironman, or staying up late to work on her new business idea. If it’s important to you, you’ll find a way.

Support. Our cheering squads are resources, no doubt about it. And while the people closest to us may not understand why we want to build a log cabin in the woods or start a summer camp for disadvantaged ferrets, there are people out there in the greater world who would gladly cheer you on. All you have to do is find them.

There really are no valid excuses when it comes to lack of resources. Put it this way: Whatever you think your excuses are, someone else in a tougher position than you has already found a way to achieve what you want to achieve. You can do the same.

Next up on Thursday, 9/8/1: Reason #4 - can you guess what it might be?

Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC LinkedIn
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Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want To Be - Reason #2

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 17:02:00 +0000

Reason #2: You Don’t Have a Plan to Get from Here to There

It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan.
Eleanor Roosevelt

You can know specifically what you want to achieve, what it looks like, and when you want it – but without a plan, you’re like a vacationer to Paris who forgot to buy his plane ticket. Whoops!

The next natural step after determining WHAT you want is laying out a plan for getting it. Where many people make mistakes is assuming that having a plan is an all-or-nothing proposition: They need to have a carefully scripted path from A to B, and then on to C and D, with no unknowns, and no changes.

Not so! In fact, ask any visionary who’s achieved anything of merit, and they will say that the path they thought they were going to take wasn’t what ended up happening. But they’ll also tell you that knowing the first few steps and committing to them were critical to their success.

Take someone who wants to lose weight. They know what they want to weigh, and they’ve decided to try Weight Watchers combined with walking 30 minutes a day. That’s all they need to get started because it gives them the next steps: To sign up for a meeting, attend the meeting, and begin walking.

What they can’t anticipate, though, is the weather. Or pizza night with the girls. Or the fact that they seem to be having trouble losing weight on the prescribed plan after a few weeks of success and need to shake things up a bit.

Situations change; that’s a given. Rare is the plan that is laid out in excruciating detail on Day One and followed without adjustments. You have to be prepared to make changes along the way, but you also have to know what “the way” is. Without any plan at all, you are a victim of your circumstances, not knowing what’s going to move you closer to your goal and what’s going to take you farther away.

So after you’ve set your end goal in living color, figure out that one next step you have to take. Trust that when you take that step, you’ll see the next one and the next, forward to success. You’ll know when you need to move left or right, but only if you move until the point you see ahead of you. Sometimes it’s only in retrospect that the whole path is clear, like Hansel and Gretel’s breadcrumbs strewn behind them.

Come back on next Tuesday, 9/6/11 to see what your next step in reaching your goals is!

Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC LinkedIn
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Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Reason #1

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 17:05:00 +0000

Reason #1: You Don’t Know What You Want

If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.
Jim Rohn

Before you can get anywhere, you need to know where you are going. It sounds simple, but when it comes to life goals or dreams, it’s not so clear. We think, “I want my business to be a success,” or “I want to be happy.” But ask 100 different people to define success, or to say what makes them happy, and you’re going to get 100 different answers.

That’s why when it comes to getting what you want, the first step is to decide – specifically – what you want in your life. Not in generalities, but in specifics. For instance:

NOT: “I want to be skinny,” but, “I want to wear a size 10 and have my BMI, blood pressure, and cholesterol in healthy ranges.”

NOT: “I want to be financially secure,” but, “I want to be debt-free and have $100,000 in the bank by the time I’m 50.”

NOT: “I want a new job,” but, “I want a job that allows me to work flexible hours from home, making $20 an hour, using my skills in word processing and business management.”

Specificity is critical in goal-setting for several reasons:

If you only have a general idea of what you want, you can only get a general idea of how to achieve it. It’s like driving: If you know you want to drive from Portland to Philadelphia, you have a general idea of how to get there – and you may end up in the Schuykill River or on the wrong side of the tracks. But if you want to see the “Rocky” statue in front of the art museum, you can fine-tune your approach to get yourself exactly to the point you want.
Being specific saves time. You will intuitively be able to sort through opportunities that are presented to you and know immediately whether they are in line with your goals or not.
Being specific helps your mind create a vivid picture of what you want. Once your mind can picture it, it’s much easier to achieve it.

If you’re having trouble specifying your dreams, here are some questions to ask yourself:

What does it look like?
How will you know when you’ve made it?
When do you want to achieve this goal?
What does it feel like, taste like, smell like?
What would a day in your dream life be like, from the time you get up until the time you go to bed?

Write these answers down and revisit them frequently to see if they’re still true, and to remind yourself of what you’re working towards.

Tune in on Thursday, 9/1/11 to find out Reason #2...

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Top 10 Reasons You Aren't Where You Want to Be - Intro

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

This is the first of 12 postings about why you're not where you want to be, and how to get there. Look for a new reason - and what to do about it - each Tuesday and Thursday for the next 5 weeks.

Introduction

When you look at your life, you may be miles away from your goals and dreams – so far you wonder if you’ll ever get there. This gap can be especially frustrating when you feel like you’re working hard to move forward.

Unfortunately, just “working hard” doesn’t assure success. There are a lot of other elements and factors that determine how far you go and how close you come to achieving the life you imagine. We will discuss ten factors that play a part in holding you back from your dreams. If you can surmount them – or even a few of them! – your efforts will be supercharged, moving you past obstacles that formerly held you back.

Don’t try to tackle all ten at once. Read through each posting and see which one or two resonate with you the most strongly, and start there. There’s plenty of time for the rest.

One note: In these postings, the words “dreams” and “goals” are used interchangeably. In reality, they are very different things: After all, a dream is a goal without a deadline. But since the principles here are equally applicable to goals AND dreams, I’ve used them as synonyms.

Tune in next Tuesday, 8/30/11 to find out Reason #1...

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Lessons from waiting for the Sears repairman

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 18:30:00 +0000

Last week my washer started leaking. I scheduled an appointment with Sears to come and see why. Of course they can only give a 4 hour window of when they will arrive, but you can call on the day of the appointment to get it narrowed down. So, my window was from 8am to noon. I called at 7 that morning and was told the repairman would be there between 11:30 and noon. They also told me he would call when he was on the way.

Okay, I would have preferred to be on the earlier end of that 4 hour window, but at least I knew what to expect and could plan my morning accordingly. When 11:30 rolled around and I hadn't receive a call, nor had the repairman shown up, I called again to get an update.

I was told that an appointment took longer than expected and he would now arrive between 12:30 and 1:45. Well...I was pretty upset about this change, to put it mildly. After allowing myself to spin for a while on the same thoughts that were making me upset, I thought perhaps I should take my own advice, and apply some of the tools I teach to clients.

Using the basic concept of cognitive therapy, which is that our thoughts about an event create our emotions related to that event, I took a look at what I was telling myself. What it boiled down to was that I felt unimportant, that my needs (and time) didn’t matter and that I had no choice but to put up with being treated badly by Sears.

I then came up with alternative ways to look at this situation. Sure, it would have been nice to get a call that the repairman was running late, but separate from that I really did understand that they cannot predict how long any given service call will take; i.e. it didn’t mean that they thought my time was unimportant. They are running a business, and trying to provide this service in the most cost effective way possible.

Secondly, I did have other choices. I don’t have to use Sears’ repair service (and believe me, initially my self-talk was that I never would again). I could have chosen at that point to cancel my appointment and schedule with another plumber or handyman instead. For convenience sake, I chose not to. But it was a choice, my choice.

After going through this process, I did feel better. I still didn’t like that I had to wait around for a couple more hours, but I didn’t feel nearly as upset about it. It also helped that when the repairman arrived, he was friendly and helpful. I found out that he had to drive from Carnation (I live in Seattle) and he could have been just as grumpy as I had been feeling, but he wasn’t.

Additionally, I discovered that my tweets on Twitter had been picked up by Sears (isn’t technology something?), and they called me to see how they could make things right. Of course they couldn’t give me back the extra time it cost out of my day, but I did get someone to listen to me and my pain, which I think was all I really wanted anyway.

Change Yourself - Change The World

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 23:05:00 +0000

“I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself.” -Aldous Huxley

For many of us, it's easier to look outside ourselves and see what needs to be changed in the world, or in other people. How many times have you thought "If so-and-so would just do xyz, then everything would be fine."?

It's true that we do not have the power to make others (or the world as a whole) change in a specific way. We only hold the power to choose how we would like to change ourselves.

However, by changing ourselves, we are changing the world. This is true in several ways:

By definition, we are part of "the world." If I change, the world is not the same as it was, hence the world has changed.
When I change the way I interact with you, it forces you to change in response. I cannot necessarily predict how you will change, but certainly our interaction will be different if I am different.

As each of us makes conscious choices to change, the world cannot help but be changed.

As it was put so eloquently by Mahatma Gandhi, "Be the change you want to see in the world."

Changing the Fabric of Your Thought

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 18:41:00 +0000

“He who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality, and will never, therefore, make any progress.” -Anwar Sadat

A friend shared this quote recently, and it really resonated with me and the work that I do.

Cognitive therapy, mindfulness, law of attraction and many spiritual beliefs all hinge on the idea that our thoughts create our reality. They can't all be wrong! By changing our thoughts, we can change our experience of life.

As I frequently explain to clients, any given event is neutral; it has no intrinsic meaning. It has only the meaning that we give it. As long was we stay stuck in old thought patterns that attribute meaning that bring suffering to us, we will not be able to change our reality to something we might prefer.

This is true of communication between two or more people, as well. As long as we attribute motivations to others that create a negative experience for us, we cannot move into a place of changing and growing those relationships. We are destined to stay stuck in a place we do not like very much.

It thrills me to know that we each have the power to alter how we experience any given event or interaction. How great it is that!?

Is it Time to Break the Pattern?

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 00:06:00 +0000

Many times what brings clients in to work with me is that they are stuck in a pattern of behavior that is no longer working for them. One pattern I see on a regular basis is the client doesn't like conflict, and so they avoid it or accommodate the other person. Of course their needs don't get met this way. Over time they become resentful and eventually reach a point where they just can't take it anymore and choose to leave.

This may happen primarily in one situation (perhaps at work), or may be more pervasive, occurring throughout most relationships. Regardless, the client comes to realize that they have a pattern and the way they are handling conflict is a not working for them.

Sometimes it is difficult to acknowledge that our way of coping doesn't work. It can make us feel wrong, or feel stupid to continue doing something that doesn't work.

I remind people that the strategy did work at one point in time, or they would not have developed the habit of dealing with similar situations in that way. We don't repeat behavior that doesn't work the first time (usually).

It's helpful to acknowledge that this behavior did serve you at some time in the past, just no longer. When you are able to accept that your old ways no longer work, you can open yourself to find new ways that do work.

Thoughts Create Emotions

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 17:46:00 +0000

As promised, here are my thoughts about happiness and choosing our thoughts about any given event.

Events are neutral, there is no universal “right” way to interpret or react to any event or circumstance. What we choose to tell ourselves about the meaning of an event leads to how we feel about it. By changing the meaning we make of it, we change our feeling about it.

For example, let’s say I was laid off from my job. If the meaning I make of this is that my employer viewed me as incompetent or not valuable, I may feel angry or resentful towards my employer, as well as feeling not good enough as a person.

If the meaning I make of this occurrence is that my employer selected me to be laid off because they viewed me as being the most able to find another job, and this reduced their discomfort at having let someone go, then I will more likely feel grateful and appreciated and confident that I have something valuable to offer another employer.

Or, I can choose to view this situation as something that says absolutely nothing about me as person, that it truly is a neutral event that has nothing to do with me personally. The company needed to reduce by a certain number of employees, they chose to do that in a way that I may or may not understand or agree with, and it means nothing about my value or worth as a person or an employee – positive or negative. It’s not about me, it’s about them.

Now, this does not mean that you will not have emotions such as fear about loss of income or sadness at loss of social contact with co-workers. But when we don’t take it personally, or choose to view the situation overall in a positive light, accepting and feeling these other emotions is much easier. And addressing the situation in which we find ourselves is easier, too.

In the above scenario, imagine how much easier it will be to focus on finding a new job if you believe the layoff is neutral or positive about you as a person. You will feel confident of your abilities and value and can focus on the tasks required to find a new job.

On the other hand, if you are feeling angry, resentful and not good enough, a lot of the energy you could have used for job seeking will be spent on beating yourself (or your employer) up in your thoughts.

What do you think? Do you agree with this idea? What objections or questions arise in you when you consider this idea?

Laura Allan is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor Associate and Certified Professional Coach with a private practice in the Wallingford neighborhood of Seattle. You may visit her website at www.LauraAllanCounseling.com.

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A busy day!

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 22:10:00 +0000

I've had quite a busy day today getting my son ready to head off for three weeks in the wilderness tomorrow. So many last minute things to get from the provided equipment list! Who knew that "roughing it" required so much stuff!

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The Winds of Change

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Allan) — Thu, 20 May 2010 14:59:00 +0000

The past 24 hours in Seattle has seen some interesting weather. As I was lying in bed last night listening to the wind storming outside, I was thinking of how much I love the wind - how exhilarating a good, strong wind feels to me. I also started thinking about how wind is not always a positive thing: hurricanes and tornadoes can be extremely destructive. I realized that wind can be a metaphor for change (and given that the title of this posting is a very old saying, I'm obviously not the first to come up with that).

The same traits that make wind exciting rather than fear provoking can be true for change, as well. First is our attitude. If we view the change as something we enjoy, even revel in, we are more likely to be excited and exhilarated by it. Similarly, the more flexible we are, the more we can "bend in the wind," the more able we are to withstand a change that may end up being a little more impactful than we expected.

When we see a tornado looming on the horizon, however, we become fearful. This can be a change that is something we don't want, or feels too big for us to handle. Fear can make us rigid, which makes it more difficult to "bend in the wind." We may feel that this storm will destroy us, and we can become anxious and/or depressed.

The key to weathering the hurricanes and tornadoes is preparation. Just as homeowners board up their windows when a hurricane is forecast, or build their home with a storm cellar if they live in tornado prone areas, we can shore up our internal homes and make it more likely for them to withstand the onslaught of a hurricane or tornado.

Hurricanes and tornadoes are unpredictable. We never know for sure when one may come our way, we only know that in each our lives it is likely there will be times when they do. Working on your emotional flexibility and stamina prior to the event can help us weather the storm when it arrives.