laura the explorer

Where do you think you're going?

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 17:13:00 +0000

I'm trying to think of how I can describe everything that's happened this month. In a nutshell, God has been teaching me valuable lessons in freedom, obedience, partnership with Him, His promises, my disappointments, hope, grace, the importance of processing, power vs. authority, and royalty. On Sunday He gave me an extremely powerful confirmation of His plans for me to bring freedom to the captives. It is still lingering in my spirit. God is doing amazing things in and through me, and will continue to do so as I make His presence my priority.

I'm writing to let you know that I have been chosen to be a part of the ministry team heading to Tijuana from March 23rd to 30th, 2010! I am asking you to consider partnering with me financially and prayerfully as I partner with God in bringing His Kingdom down to Earth. Bethel has been sending teams here every year for the last 10 years. We will be ministering as worship leaders, children’s ministers and have opportunity to preach, teach and give words of knowledge in local church meetings. There is a great expectancy in the community to see the supernatural power of Heaven come down. We will also minister on the streets with prophetic art, treasure hunts, drama and many other forms of outreach. We will experience being used by God to love the poor, love on tons of children, heal the sick, the blind, the lame, and encourage Pastors as we partner with them to see Revival change a nation.

My cost for this trip is $400 US. The first installment of $100 is due November 13th and the rest is due January 6th. If you are interested in supporting me financially for this trip you can make a donation online through ibssm.org. There is a link to "Make a donation to a student's mission trip". There is also an option there if you would like to donate towards my tuition. You can also support me by cheque through the mail:

Canadian Address:
Laura Sponselee
4711 Condensory Rd.
Courtenay, BC
V9J 1R6

American Address:
Laura Sponselee
592 Olympic St.
Redding, CA
96003

Anonymous Donations:
Bethel Church
ATTN: BSSM Tuition
933 College View Drive
Redding, CA 96003

I want to thank you so much for being a part of my life and supporting me through this! Please continue to pray for me as I am being stretched more than ever before. I will be posting pictures and sharing stories of all the amazing things that you helped make happen on this trip! If you have any prayer requests, great praise God stories, or just want to say “hi”, please write. I would love to hear what’s going on in your life as well. I pray for courage to let God stretch you as much as He is me.

Gangsta

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:40:00 +0000

I have to take a break from my homework because I can't get this off my mind.

We've been reading through Kris Vallotton's book "The Supernatural Ways of Royalty" and answering questions from the workbook. The purpose of this set is to teach you how to leave behind the old "pauper" lifestyle and mindset, and walk fully in the power and authority we have as "princes and princesses" of the King. The questions are deep and thought provoking, asking you to delve into your childhood in some instances, searching for underlying lies that hinder you from seeing the fullness and completion of the work of the Cross and what it's implications are.

The last question I answered was in the middle of a chapter discussing the reality of being dead to sin. "... To say that I have sinned is true. To say that I am free of sin is truer still..." The question asked me to write down some truths from Scripture about who I am because of my conversion that I have established in my thinking, and to write down how believing in these truths has enabled me to step into a new dimension of spiritual power and authority in different areas of my life.

I had a dream quite a few years back where I was in a jail cell but the door was open and there where no chains around me. Jesus was standing in the doorway and he said these exact words, "Come out, I am giving you your freedom". I immediately woke up. Years later, I had another dream but this time I was standing outside the cell. I woke up disturbed though because I was still in the cell block and wasn't out of the jail. I asked a woman from my church why she thought I wasn't out yet and she said "That's because you have to help free all the people in the cell block." Some time after that, the dream came back. Only this time I was sitting in my friends cell with her, telling her that the door was open and that she was free to leave.

So today as I was doing my homework, the first verse that popped into my head was that one that has been brought to my mind repeatedly throughout my life. I read it when I was young and I know with certainty that it's in the bible, but for the life of me I can't find it. For some reason today I decided to google it, and this is the first thing I found:

Needless to say I had to do a double take. (Apparently the girl who submitted this entry to UrbanDictionary.com was named Laura.) I am constantly amazed at the methods God uses to speak to us. Seriously... UrbanDictionary... Who would have thought?

Anyways, once again God has confirmed His message in my heart. Plus now I know where to find that verse! And that it's in the New Living Translation :)

Well, back to work.
Peace out homes

[caption id="attachment_415" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="represent!"][/caption]

I know it's around here somewhere...

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 00:22:00 +0000

Today in class as I shared a revelation, I received a very simple and very profound reminder on obedience. We had broken into outreach groups to go and get trained up, talk about the rules, and whatnot, and true to Bethel fashion, a "party" broke out. Not chaotic or anything just, "Well the people we're waiting for aren't here so lets have an open mic." Sweet. I love open mics :) It's so cool to see and hear what God is doing through about 200 people all at the same time. Some people received healing and started a "healing service" in the corner while others got "picked on" to go up and sing or dance. Some people got singled out for specific words over their lives, "I don't know your name... You... no not you... yeah you..."

In amongst all the people that went up, one girl got called out to go up and sing the song that was in her head. Despite our cheering and encouraging she refused to go up, no problem, sometimes it's a little intimidating and people need time. A few more people went up and I started getting those heart palpitations that we all know and love. I had been thinking of this revelation God gave me years back, and I could tell by the way that my body was reacting that I needed to go share it with everyone. I love how confident I am that it's God's word because of the way my body was reacting. If it wasn't acting nervous I wouldn't have gone up. So ironically weird...

So I went up. The word I got was to do with a comment that a friend of mine had made over the phone one day. She said (in almost a joking fashion) "Well, where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. You just think about that for a minute." So on the way to her house that night I did. And this is what I got:

Where is the Spirit of the Lord?
He lives inside of all those who believe in Him.
So where is freedom?
Inside you.

You are a recipient of freedom and a carrier of freedom. Not only can you pass it out where ever you go, but if you feel you need to get some it shouldn't be to far of a walk. So I just said a short and sweet declaration of freedom over the class, proclaimed this as a year of freedom and breakthrough, then went back to my seat.

After words we had prayer ministry time and there was a girl standing in line beside me that I felt God had a word for, and He wanted me to tell her. This was the girl that got the "no not you, the person behind you" when someone was being singled out for prophecy earlier. I really felt like God wanted to let her know that she is highlighted to Him and that she's not just another face lost in thecrowd. I wrestled with it for a couple minutes cuz I didn't know how to just come out and say it. And in my head I felt so strongly that if I didn't say something someone else would. I didn't want to pass on this, so I said it. As soon as I did the girl ahead of us said "I was thinking the exact same thing!" so we both started praying for her and speaking Truth over her. As I was heading for my car after class, the girl that got picked on to sing the song but didn't, stopped me and said "That word you gave, that's the song that was in my head."

God's got an agenda, and we get to play a part in watching it happen. We get to partner with Him to bring people into freedom and speak Truth into their identity. If we say no, that's fine. He'll just move on until He finds someone who's willing. I've heard it said that you're not necessarily the first person God asked, just the one who said "Yes". Today I actually experienced it, and it was a very powerful lesson. It's not about me. God's got something to say, who am I to say no?

Thanks-receiving

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:11:00 +0000

It's Canadian Thanksgiving today, and us Black Creek crew are having a pie night to celebrate :) mmm.... pie. There's something about pie that's just so above and beyond goodness. A nice turkey feast is amazing, but let's face it, it is still very nutritious. Pie is like "Let's eat this delicious thing just because it's so darn delicious". How good is that! If you think about it that's a pretty extravagant thing.

God's been challenging me on a couple specific areas so far.

Do you believe I am who I say I am?

Do you believe you are who I say you are?

God is good, yes? Extravagantly so. He is a good father who loves his children so much. He is not pissed off, or waiting for them to screw up so he can point out all their faults. He is totally for us, spurring us on to bigger and better things. Cheering us on as we go. He's not out to see us fail but to succeed. Imagine some "crazed" fan (hockey for you Canadians), shouting wildly and dancing all over the place when their team gets a goal or makes an unbelievable save. If we're made in God's image do you think that maybe He gets like that too? It's just that He's like that for us.

And I'm His child. I'm not His slave, I'm not bound to him by contract forced to do what he says to do with no choice in the matter. I'm a child of the King and as such, I carry His power, authority, love, and grace. It's nothing I had to work for, I was born into it. I am my Father's daughter, created in His image, so that if you've seen me you should be able to say that you've seen Him.

We live out our belief system whether we realize it or not. If you say you trust God but have stress, worry, or doubt in an area, then you don't really trust God. I'm not saying this to get you down, I'm just stating a fact. God's been challenging me on this very thing. If I say I trust Him as my provider then why do I worry? Somewhere deep down I just don't believe it yet. Then how do I? That's what faith is. Exercise it. Allow yourself to believe that He is who He says He is. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you want peace that passes understanding you have to give up your right to understand. God is good. End of story.

So what about #2 up there? Who does God say you are? You are His child. Created in His image. "Well i don't really feel like I'm portraying Him very well. I mean look at my life. Riddled with failure... Perseverance isn't really in my nature.... I'm not a very gracious person." If you believe that you are a new creation in Christ, then what should that mean? God has made you in His image so everything of His nature is yours as well. If you're not living it out you just don't quite believe it yet. "Easy for you to say. How am I supposed to be something I'm not?" First realize who God says you are, and draw on Him to make it a reality, not just a theory.

How does this tie into pie? I don't even know. Hahaa. I had a thought and now I have to find it again.... Oh yeah. God is so beyond good and He wants you to taste abundantly more than just the meat and potatoes. Being thankful shouldn't just be lip-service but it should sink in deep and affect how you live your life. There is great power in giving thanks, but I think it has to start with the ability to recieve thanks. To allow your heart to open up and receive His goodness and truth. Receive fresh revelation of who He is and who He says you are.

So Happy Thanks-recieving everyone :)

Move!

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 11:35:00 +0000

I haven't been doing a lot of personal journaling yet because there seems to be a lot of things that fight for my time and attention, but I feel the need to now. To show what's in my mind and not just in the classroom.

My situation today is that I am in great financial need. I'm $3500 in debt and I need $1100 by the end of the week for tuition and car insurance. Even as I write this though I hear that still small (and really confident) voice saying "That's nothing :)" and it really isn't. It's all in your perspective. If I was poor (and I guess from a worldly perspective I am) then it is a lot. With an income (of support money) ranging from $90-$215/month and not being allowed to work, there's no "logical" way I will get $1000 in 5 days (let alone meet my monthly bills of $600).

But from a heavenly perspective, my Dad said he'd take care of me. The earth is the His, and everything in it. (Ps 24). He has the world in His hands including the movment and re-distributing of funds (eg Ex 12:36). He can cause peoples hearts to be turned and He can call things into existance that weren't there before (eg Gen 1:1-3). $1000 is nothing to Him. It's not a challenge for my God. He's not up there in heaven somewhere biting His nails thinking "Oh no! What am I going to do now!? Where is this going to come from??" He's not rocking back and forth in a corner with his hands over his ears trying to make it all go away. My God is in control. He's not phased or afraid. He is confident, capable, and strong. He's possibly even laughing.

So I will sit here and soak in His presence until I become like Him, until I see what he sees. Considering this "trial" a very joyful experience because it is stirring my faith in the One who is Faithful. I have no idea how this will work out but it's not necessary for me to understand. My job is to pursue His presence, to be thankful and rest in the Peace that He gives, and to do what I see Him doing. I want to see impossibilities bow to the name of Jesus, not just believe that they can. There is favor on me, and authority to move mountains. So BE MOVED!

Laura had a thought...

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 00:38:00 +0000

and then her head exploded. (Well, not entirely. But if this is the beginning of the year then MAN, what's the rest going to be like!)

We just had retreat week here at Bethel. My group of 80 and 2 other groups (there's 800 1st year students all together) went to a place called JH Ranch (about a 2 hour drive north of here) for a couple of days. I got a bit of home that I had forgotten all about and didn't realize I had missed: the cold. It was actually quite refreshing and I'm glad I brought my long-johns.

Retreat is great for getting to know each other outside of the school environment and meet new people who aren't in your once a week group of 80. As you can imagine 800 is an overwhelming number and an easy crowd to get lost in, so we purposefully set aside one afternoon at the ranch to do some little "get to know you" activities.

We split up into small groups and shared a bit about ourselves, our families, and our dreams. Then we took some time to pray for each other and speak into one anothers lives. We also got anonymous cards from our leaders with prophetic words on them as well, and no offence to whoever did mine but in all honesty I was a little disappointed. It simply said:

"You're beautiful. I see you going into the father's heart. This is a year to learn and encounter the love of the Father."

Don't get me wrong, it's a great word, but this is what they tell everyone and I was hoping for something a little more personal... And then tonight I had a thought. This year was the 10th anniversary of my dad passing away. This whole year so far has been a year of asking God to prove Himself as my father, to provide for me and take care of me, to take back what was stolen from me, get the weight of the world off my shoulders and allow me to just BE.

So now I'm excited about that word, because it just confirms what God is already doing and will continue to do in increasingly greater depth and experience. This is going to be good :)

Note to self #289

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 21:28:00 +0000

When geocaching in a foriegn land,
read up on your wildlife first.
(Also... don't go out after sundown. Bad idea.)

I'm all caught up on my homework, settling in quite well, and my time is starting to become my own (to an extent). I've decided to dub Mondays officially "Minedays" and refuse to do anything church or school related on them. I'm pretty sure it's biblical... Anyways, today was my first official Mineday so I decided to go geocaching*. There's no better way to get to know your neighborhood and have a little adventure at the same time.

By the time I got around to it, it was already 6 o'clock and the sun was starting to go down. Now, those who know me well are probably shaking your heads and thinking "Laura... don't be stupid... remember that last time... when you went for a walk in a not entirely familiar area after dark?" Yeah. I thought about it too. But I checked it out on Google Earth and it was in the middle of a field not in a forest... so I went.

The area I was walking in was quite dry and scrubby. There was a gravel walking trail and all around was open uneven dirt and yellow dry grass. There were some trees but I could just walk through the field if I wanted to. My compass arrow was pointing to some stands of trees on the other side of the field so I decided to just B line it straight across. The ground was a lot more uneven than I was expecting but I kept plugging away anyways. I started noticing holes in the ground. Quite a lot of them actually. I wasn't sure if it was just how the dry dirt was falling apart or what. Then my mind started thinking about snakes, all sorts of potentially poisonous ones. I told it to stop.

When I got to the trees the sun was behind the mountains and I was thinking about turning back. The amount of time it'd take to find this cache would be doubled just on account of lack of light. But I figured since I'm here I'll just to a walk around and see if there's anything out of the ordinary. Needless to say I didn't see much, but what I did see looked like eggs or at least remnants of eggs. The landscape here is soooo not what I'm used to. Not lush and green and familiar at all. I started thinking about snakes again and decided to find my way back to the trail.

As soon as the thought went through my head I saw a shadow of something moving on the ground in front of me and heard something rustling behind me and found out how fast I can run through scrub on uneven dirt in low light situations. I didn't know what direction I was going but man, I flew over that field. I saw the trail ahead of me and checked my gps to head back to the car. When I looked up I jumped at the site of two dark animals coming at me only to find that some neighborhood kid was taking his black lab puppies for a walk. (insert sigh of relief here). Man did I feel stupid.

On the way back to my car I asked him about the holes in the dirt and if they could be snakes. He said yeah, or ground squirrels... Are the snakes poisonous around here? I don't think so....

I'm going to have to do some more research...
And go back in the daylight.
I've had enough adrenaline to do me for while.
I sure hope they were ground squirrels....

*Geocaching is a covert GPS Hide and Seek game that's played all over the world.

Right...

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 15:09:00 +0000

I'm in the middle of reading one of the required books for school. (I was supposed to read it over the summer so now I'm playing catch up) As I'm reading it I'm noticing that there are external "voices" that are trying to influence my thoughts and twist my understanding of the point that's trying to be made. It's hard because I agree with the points, but every now and then I'll get hung up on grammar or context or something stupid and then I find myself "arguing" with the book and trying to prove that this "voice" is right. And now I can't even remember what the problem was all about in the first place, so that's good.

Church this morning was all about giving up your right to be right. We sacrifice unity in the Body that is meant to work together towards the ultimate goal of gathering the harvest, over petty things or sometimes even noble things. In Matthew 12:30 Jesus says, "He who is not with me is against me, and he who does not gather with me scatters." If your passion or priority of anything (being right, or even healing ministry for example) is above the passion and priority of God and loving on people, then you may actually be unintentionally scattering them instead. Even truth that is out of place can work to divide. We need to listen to what is God saying for this situation NOW. Jesus was intimately familiar with the scriptures, yet he only DID what he saw his father doing. We can't afford to have a perspective that's not God's. Are you willing to follow Him dispite your intellectual understanding or comfort?

Here's an illustration from taking from "When Heaven Invades Earth": (I don't know if I'm allowed to reprint this but I'm going to anyways.)

History provides us with a lesson from a great military leader. Alexander the Great led his armies in victory after victory, and his desire for ever greater conquest finally brought him to the foot of the Himalayas. He wanted to go beyond these intimidating mountains. Yet, no one knew what was on the other side. Senior officers were troubled by his new vision. Why? They had gone to the edge of their map - there was no map for the new territory that Alexander wanted to possess. These officers had a decision to make: would they be willing to follow their leader off the map, or would they be content to live within its boundaries? They chose to follow Alexander.

Following the leading of the Holy Spirit can present us with the same dilemma. While he never contradicts His Word, He is very comfortable contradicting our understanding of it. Those who feel safe because of their intellectual grasp of Scriptures enjoy a false sense of security. None of us has a full grasp of Scripture, but we all have the Holy Spirit. He is our common denominator who will always lead us into truth. But to follow Him, we must be willing to follow off the map - to go beyond what we know. To do so successfully we must recognize His presence above all... Jesus followed the Holy Spirit's leading, even when it seemed unreasonable, which it often did.

Hopefully that flowed. I does in my mind. Just some things to ponder and see where your paradigm is.

Tidbits

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 00:54:00 +0000

I can see life starting to pick up now. I really wanted to write last night but was too tired. I don't want to do that again. Sorry if this feels disconnected but here's a bit of the last two days. All of these things are so interconnected and seemingly simple, but they are only effective when they are practced. May God bring you revelation in point form:

Love. Always.

Honor everyone. They have value because God made them. Honor yourself. To tell God that you don't like what he made is insulting.

You have no right to judge another, they are not your servant.

Holding each other accountable is never to be done from the point of view of "You did this wrong" but rather "This is where you're supposed to be"

You are royalty. Learn to live and think out of this identity.

As believers you have the mind of Christ, and you have permission to use it.

Integrity means you're the same on the outside as you are on the inside. God needs to trust you in private matters before He'll trust you with public ones.

Be honest, no matter what the cost.

Learn to trust someone more than you trust yourself. An external point of view can help keep you from being deceived. It all rides on trust, and trust is a choice.

Faith is spelled R-I-S-K and you can't really grow without it.

Your destiny lies beyond the "dogs of doom". Don't stop if you hear them barking.

More to come...

First things first

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:31:00 +0000

It's late and I need to sleep but I want to write this down for you, and for me too I guess... Today was my first day of class, and it was amazing.

Bill Johnson felt to kick off the year with a message that I didn't expect, but one that I think we needed to hear. Well, me anyways. It was on disappointment and how to deal with it, because it is going to happen.

Jesus' ministry started with a statement (Luke 4) in which He proclaims freedom for the prisoners. Later on in chapter 7, John the Baptist is in jail, and he sends his disciples to basically ask Jesus if He is who he says he is. John was the greatest of the old testament prophets and here he's wondering about his fate, if the one who brings freedom has any for him. Jesus sends word back to him testifying of the work He is doing (Yes I am the one), and also with a word of encouragement: "Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me." Don't turn your back now John. Don't let your hurt take over. Don't put God on trial for something you don't understand.

We may not fully understand what God is doing or agree with the outcome, but it doesn't change his nature. I don't even know if i can fully explain this but i'm going to let it sink in. I want to see things from the right perspective. When we're in a place of grief and loss and disappointment there is an extraordinary opportunity to bring a type of praise to God that can not exist in any other situation, and we only have that window of opportunity to give it. If we want peace that passes understanding we first need to give up our right or need to understand. God is good. End of story.

Alright.

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 22:40:00 +0000

Friday night, on the drive down, I was laying away in the hotel thinking "What the HELL am I doing?" So I prayed and ignored that voice and went to sleep... 5am On Sunday I drove my travelling buddy to the airport. When I woke up everyone was pretty much gone to church and by the time I was ready the house was empty. I could feel lonliness coming in and saw the edge of what falling apart could be, so I texted a friend back home asking for prayer and did some of my own in the freedom of an empty house. It felt very much like a choice, I could go along with it or not. So I chose not to, broke it off, and went to church alone.

Now, Bethel is a pretty big church. It's one that could be quite easy to remain anonymous in if you wanted to. I wanted to sit somewhere that I felt comfortable so I ended up sitting in the very back in the bleachers next to a friendly looking lady and her daughter. The very first song that we sang was one that has followed me especially these last couple of months. "Your love never fails... You make all things work together for my good." I was so suddenly aware of God's attentive care for me and could not help but pour out on Him.

The sermon was on hospitality and the role of fellowship. At the end of the service the lady beside me asked if I'd like to come for lunch with her and her daughter. She said it had nothing to do with the sermon and that as soon as she saw me walk up to take my seat she knew that she had to ask me. So I said sure. She asked "Do you like steak? I've been craving steak. Let's go get some." Do I like steak? Seriously.... for those of you who are unaware, steak is pretty much my most favorite thing in the world. Do I like steak? God, you're funny :) It was seriously so random, and yet so orchestrated.

Later on, I headed back to the church to register for school and ran into another friendly face. This time, one that I was not expecting to see. One of the ladies from my home church was down here, dropping off her daughter for school. She is someone I consider to be like a spiritual mom, so seeing her was such a blessing. We couldn't talk long but we didn't really need to. God is so good. He took me from feeling alone in a massive crowd, being unable to connect with home, and still feeling displaced and not settled in, and totally blessed me with steak and a "mom" type figure. What can I say. Thank you I guess. :)

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Mattew 5:3

"The kingdom of God is ... righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit." Romans 14:17

"And he will reign ... forever; his kingdom will never end." Luke 1:33

Not exactly all here....

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 10:15:00 +0000

Well I made it :) My good little car has never been so loaded in it's life, nor has it ever driven so far... 1300+ kms (for those who need to know exactly distances, you should google it using the coastal route and let me know.) Me and my roadtrip buddy got in to Redding around 1pm so we were able to dump stuff off at my new house (pics to come soon) and somehow manage to drive way farther than we thought we did while checking out the town (as in, on our way to Sacramento).

I've met all my new room mates. There's 6 of us girls living in a 4 bedroom single story house.... It's ok, i have my own room :) no more closets for me! And they're all rad, so it should be good. I'm already fairly familiar with this part of town so i feel a certain level of settledness already.

I would ask for your prayers because the weeks leading up to this move hadn't been the greatest, and even the decision to come wasn't easy. I don't feel like i have much to go on except a sense of something huge and a glimpse of the end goal. Doubt is definitely trying to creep it's way past my peripheral vision, and i keep trying to remind it that it's not welcome here. It will be a battle, so please pray with me for some unwavering certainty.

Well. Today's going to be a full one i think. Church, then registering for school, getting my computer set up, painting my room :) Oh. Also.... i'm gonna need some furniture like a bed, a desk, and a dresser, so pray that i get some crazy sweet deals, and soon. :)

Later.
Oh and feel free to email me and let me know what's going on for you. Just because I'm here now doesn't mean i don't care! Ok. Gotta go get ready for church now.

On Death and Dying

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 21:44:00 +0000

God has been impressing some things on me lately. I’m not fully through processing all of them so I didn’t want to write incomplete thoughts, but maybe this will help to solidify some things in my heart.

I’ve been going through a lot of what I can only describe as grief, in preparing to move. I have so much to let go of here, and I never realized until now that I was hanging on so tight. There are varying degrees of force and reluctance but it all boils down to this: Let Go.

In Matthew 16 Jesus says, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?”

The things I want in this world are not evil, and the things I’m holding on to are good. But I’ve tasted a richer life and now that it’s coming down to the wire, will I be found faithful to choose something beyond my Self? Jesus’ cross wasn’t about him, it was about the world, and therefore my cross isn’t about me either.

No matter where my faith is at in this journey, the one thing that pulls me back to center is knowing that this is bigger than me so it’s going to work out and it’s going to be ok. God is so totally for me. The life He has for me is so beyond what I could dream of for myself, so why would I not trust Him?

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Cat Fight.

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 19:58:00 +0000

~ Part 1 ~

My new roommate brought her cat, Sunny, over the other night. He’s a really sweet, affectionate cat. Since my cat, Skye, is quite timid, we were hoping for a smooth introduction. Happy Sunny Skye’s :) Yeah... It didn’t quite go as planned. We’ve now taken the prescribed steps to try and lessen the conflict. Apparently cats are quite territorial and defend their turf when there’s an intruder hanging around, even if they're normally docile. It’s like some irrevocable universal law. And in the back of my head I knew it all along…

~ Part 2 ~

Lately I’ve been feeling quite uninspired. I have things to do and very little time to do them. Yet when I sit down with the express purpose of checking things off my to-do list I get distracted or seriously have to fight to get my creative juices flowing. Yesterday I felt I should go for a walk to start with but I even got distracted from that, and ended up just slogging away in front of the computer all day, never once stepping foot outside. By about 1am (I always work better at night) I decided "this is retarded" and I went for a walk. I had to fight just to get ready and go out the door. But once I realize the enemy’s ploy I can usually deflect it. I find silent yelling quite effective. So I got my things together and left. As I yelled I thought of the word "catfight"…

~ Part 3 ~

There’s a few different lions mentioned in the bible. 1 Peter 5:8 says "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." He tells us that we can "resist him, standing firm in the faith" and encourages us, that we are not alone in our trials. Revelation 5:5 says not to weep "See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, as triumphed." Two opposing forces, both described as lions, both extremely territorial. But the clincher is this: one of them has already been defeated. Sometimes I just need to let out a holy growl to remind the enemy of whose turf he’s on.

: *roar*

Quick Status Update...

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 00:21:00 +0000

Just wanted to let everybody know about my recent answer to prayer. I've got someone to look after my place while I'm away at school! Yay! This takes such a huge load off my mind, and is also a mutual blessing. So thanks God! Yay!

What Am I

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 00:01:00 +0000

I was going through my old writtings to post stuff up here and came across this one. It was originally written in May, but as I re-read it I thought that it's pretty fitting for Father's Day. So here you go. Happy Father's Day :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was just listening to a Shawn McDonald song called "Beautiful". Some of the lyrics in it got me thinking and seriously a little concerned for those who might be lead into some sort of false humility. It's not an bad song and I’m sure this is not his focus, but these lines really got me thinking:

“What am I that I might be called your child?
What am I that you might know me, my King?
What am I that you might die that I might live? What am I?”

My response is this: God is great and sovereign, yes. But I AM his child, whether I accept His grace or not. He created me and has an intimate knowledge of my innermost being. He is not some lofty high off god that is unapproachable. His bigness does not overshadow His love. He is my dad, and my brother Jesus took away all the distance between us and made it possible for me to stand in front of Him without shame or reproach, even sit on His knee, to come face to face with my loving father. I am not nothing. I am wanted, cherished, blessed, and desired. I am extremely grateful, but I don’t want to ere by believing I’m not worthy. In one respect, it’s true. I’m not. God is a holy and just God and demands a holiness that I’m not capable of on my own. But He deemed me worthy to be saved, worth the great cost just so we could be face to face. He deemed me SO worthy in fact that he stopped at nothing to make it happen. The thought of that kind of love fills me with such a lightness of being that I turn into His giddy little girl, twirling around in the light and warmth of His gaze. Nothing can make God love me more, but I think His joy is fuller when we’re together, as is mine.

Anyways...
Be blessed by the truth of who you are
and the awesomeness of God's love for you.
Later,
Laura

To My Faithful "Followers" :)

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 00:19:00 +0000

So Blogger has this pretty cool feature where you can add your friends blogs to you dashboard reading pane and every time you log in you can see everybody's new posts. It's called "following" and it's pretty nifty. I've had some people add me, and I've added people to mine, and love is what makes the world go 'round.

Now that I'm moving my blog location I'd like to invite you all to come on over to www.laurasponselee.com and "follow" me there. Simply add my new address to the list of blogs you follow and it'll let you know when I've posted something new. You can also sign up for email notifications directly from my site. It will send you a message directly to your mailbox every time I've put up a new post.

I love technology :)
Thanks for following,
Laura

Old Posts Added...

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 14:54:00 +0000

I'm importing old blog posts in to the new site. Didn't want to cause time line confusion for you. They will show up under their proper dates so feel free to do some back reading.

Thanks for reading.
Be Blessed.
Laura

I’m moving…

noreply@blogger.com (tred) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 23:00:00 +0000

I just wanted to let everyone who’s been following this blog that it’s moving locations. I recently got my own domain so I’m moving everything over to the new web address. You can find it at: www.laurasponselee.com I’m going to have photo galleries there too and hope to have PayPal set up so you can purchase my photos online.

The reason for the move and the PayPal addition is because I'm going to be attending Bethel’s school of Supernatural Ministry in Redding California this September (2009). Since I’ll be on a student visa I won’t be able to work to support myself, so I'm looking for sponsors and others who would simply like to buy some art off me to help support me through this school year.

Just to give you an idea, my housing expenses alone will be about $300-$400 US per month. Anyone willing to become a monthly sponsor can write to me@laurasponselee.com Please visit the new site as well. The “About me” page (linked at the top) will let you know other ways in which you can give.

Thanks for following me here. I hope to see you at the new site :) There is a link where you can sign up for email updates, so all new posts will be delivered directly to your inbox.

Be Blessed.
Laura

Hello world!

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 02:31:00 +0000

I'm so friggin excited to finally have my own domain!! This is going to be awesome. Stay tuned for more words and images...
Thanks Laurel :)

Secure

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Mon, 25 May 2009 00:17:00 +0000

It’s down to about 4 months until Bethel and I haven’t paid my deposit to secure my spot yet. Time moves fast, I am more than aware of this. And in this process my mind seems like it wants to take over. At times I am apathetic to the point of forgetfulness. At other times I’m so in need of control I feel like quitting. When doubt and fear arise I recognize the attack fairly quickly and move to strike, but I’m not so quick to see apathy as an attack as well. I’m learning, and it’s getting better.

I talked with a friend of mine the other night and told her about my lack of passion, at least what I define as passion. My definition would have a joyous connotation, some thing that stirs you up and brings you so much joy you can’t not do it (ie, Bob has a passion for old cars). Can’t say I’ve got one of those. But I have discovered that I get riled up a fair bit. Not as much as I used to, and I’m praying for a stirring of that because it is life and I feel lifeless at times. But the thing that riles me up most is when people believe the lies of the enemy. By that definition, I would go so far as to say that I am passionate about Truth. I want to destroy the works of the enemy. Not just maim or set back, but expose, destroy, annihilate, and remove all trace of.

Tonight I could feel doubt creeping into my peripheral thoughts. Part of my power went out and kept me from working on my computer. I could have moved it upstairs but instead I decided to clean my house and throw stuff out. I’ve had some clutter and junk hanging around that I just needed motivation to go through, and tonight I just decided to throw it all out. It felt good, and it was necessary if I’m going to be packing up all my stuff. At the end of the night I laid down on the floor and started thinking about moving and how am I even going to be able to afford this? Am I doing the right thing? I’ll do it, I’ll keep going. Just let me know this is it. Just because I was whole heartedly accepted doesn’t mean I have to go. So, God?

At the risk of sounding egotistical, the thoughts that came into my head were along the lines of “The world needs this”. That is to say that the things I’m going to learn are not just for myself but for the bigger picture. If I truly want to destroy the enemy this is going to help me do that. It was a short and sweet answer and somehow had more power than just a simple “Yes”. One more thing to hold on to I guess. Or at least one more foot in front of the other. The next step will be to put my money where my seemingly small measure of faith is, and secure that spot.

for me :)

Plenty

noreply@blogger.com (tred) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 08:34:00 +0000

I have a photo hanging on my wall downstairs. It’s a black and white photo that I took of some dried fish at a roadside market in Korea. I love it so much that I had it enlarged to a 2 foot by 3 foot photo. It’s awesome. There’s something about taking something that’s pretty mundane and making it larger than life that makes you stop and stare.

The image was part of a series that I did called ‘Visual Prayers’. It was more like a joint project between me and God: He showed me the subjects, I recorded them and printed them with His guidance, and He helped me pick out verses for each image to bring them together as a series of prayers or almost challenges. It was a really fun process. I mostly chose this image for my own home because I thought having some dried fish blown up huge on my wall would look really cool. But another part of the reason was because of the story that went with it.

It was entitled ‘Plenty’ and the verse I chose was from Luke’s account of Jesus feeding the 5000. It was all made possible because some boy offered all he had: his lunch. The challenge I posed was this:

Imagine how many you could feed with what
little you may have to offer. It may only seem
like a couple of meagre fish, and you may
have even intended to keep them for yourself
but, if you are willing to give what you have,
expect God to turn it in to more than enough.

My current financial situation is the lowest it’s ever been and since there’s no possible way to have negative $0 it’s quite possibly the lowest it will ever get. My mindset is such that the less I have, the less I’m willing to part with. Makes sense though right? Why use your last $6 on shoelaces and soap when you need it for interest charges. Never even mind the thought of giving it away. “I’d love to but I don’t have anything to give. Even if I wanted to, the ATM only gives $20 bills, how could I withdrawal the last $6? It’s technically not even mine; it belongs to the bank…”

Needless to say, God’s been using my own photograph to challenge me. He gave me a second chance to change my mind by blessing me with a gift from a friend. She had received a financial blessing and passed it on to me in and extraordinary display of gracious generosity despite her own financial situation. The thought of hoarding the gift all to myself made me think of the man who had been forgiven a huge debt only to turn to someone who owed him a little money and demand it back. No, I wanted to repay grace with grace.

It is a huge mindset to change, but with God’s gentle revelation it is so freeing to leave. My own earthly father had an understanding of this that led him to sacrificially give if he knew of a need he could fill. His faith in God as his provider was so much that he even gave to the point of emptying his pockets of all their change for some homeless man on the street. That faith is mine to inherit, and I want a double portion.

“Send the crowd away so they can go
to the surrounding villages and countryside
and find food and lodging, because we are in a remote place here.”
He replied, “You give them something to eat.”
~ Luke 9:12

The Apartment

noreply@blogger.com (tred) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 09:00:00 +0000

I painted an apartment today. It was an apartment that I have walked past on my way to work too many times to count. I’d heard things about the old man that lived there that made me glare in disgust as I walked by. Sometimes I’d feel some semblance of conviction because of that, and I’d pray instead.

These kinds of apartments are typically rented by fixed income types, and are usually only left for one reason. As I painted today I thought about this man and his vacant apartment. They had to strip it down to the concrete floor because of the amount of damage done to it over the 10 years he had lived there. On top of the usual new paint job to cover over the smoke damaged walls and ceiling, they were installing all new flooring, new appliances, lighting, counters, as well as sinks and a toilet. I’m glad I didn’t have to see the place before they tore everything out.

One of the guys that helps look after these buildings said they had to throw all the man’s belongings into the dumpster. I can’t imagine why someone would live like that, or how. I even posed that semi-rhetorical question to God. Of course He gave me an answer: He gave up. He gave in. It was such a sad and extreme depiction of what passiveness leads to. He just didn’t feel like it. Didn’t feel like cleaning up after his cat. Didn’t much feel like getting out of his chair.

Now, I don’t want to start assuming the ins and outs of this guys’ life, I didn’t know him except to judge him, so what does that make me? No, I took this as a very real, very graphic lesson and reminder on not giving in to that way of thinking. I’m sure we’ve all been there, all sided once or twice with procrastination or outright refusal, leaving things for someone else to do. But look at what you’re really siding with: death, the kind that kills your soul and any inkling of satisfaction, fulfilment, or joy you might otherwise have.

I don’t want to buy in to that. I hope I never get to that point and, if I do, I hope it only serves to lead me deeper in to the true Giver of Life. I don’t want to give up, even if it means making deliberate daily decisions not to. I’d much rather give a “feeble because of my humanness” attempt at helping others side with life, than making a “feeble because I just don’t care” attempt at life itself. I want to leave more behind than something that can only be painted over in hopes of making it look half decent again and is then quickly forgotten.

The Promised Land

noreply@blogger.com (Laura Sponselee) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 01:58:00 +0000

The best cure for writers block is to just start writing. So they say. There’s been a lot on my mind to write about but I’ve had no idea where to start so I’m just going to do this and see what happens. Right now, the thing on my mind is exile and the Promised Land.

I’ve been reading in Jeremiah and am intrigued at the similarities I feel between what’s going on in my life right now and what I’ve been reading about. I’ve been contemplating moving to California to go to Bethel school in Redding. I can remember the process that I went through to come to that conclusion but I can’t remember the emotion behind it. I know that at one point I was excited at the prospect but my mind and my heart have shifted gears into this time of grieving for what I’ll be missing out on or having to leave behind. Grief is not a bad thing, and I welcome it, it’s necessary and healthy. But if it takes over and causes me to forget the potential goodness that I could be headed towards then it has no place in me. If it discourages me from moving forward then I want to leave it behind.

In Jeremiah God basically tells the Israelites that He’s going to destroy the land He promised them because of all the unfaithfulness and sin. He warns them time and time again that if they stay they will die. This is the land He promised them, the land flowing with milk and honey, the land that their fore fathers wandered needlessly for 40yrs before they could see it let alone enter in to it. And now he’s telling them to leave. I can understand their lack of desire here. I don’t think it would be a far stretch to say that some people were infuriated. “What?! Leave?! Hell no! This land is ours! What do you mean “God told us to leave”? You’re such a liar. It was God Himself that gave this land to us in the first place. Screw you, I’m staying.”

My current position is this: I am the sole occupant of a really great apartment and it is all because of God. I lived in a cardboard lined closet for almost 5 years and saw no end of it unless I made one for myself by moving out. This desire to “get out of the closet” directly conflicted with my promise to God to stay until He released me. It was a struggle but I stayed true and trusted in His timing. Then one day He surprised me. My roommate announced that she was moving out. Never mind thinking outside my box, God completely shattered my box. I did not see that coming at all and yet it made total sense. I had always wanted to live on my own and she had always wanted to live in community. God provided her with that community and, in so doing, provided me with a space to finally call my own. My Promised Land. My little reward. I immediately thanked Him (and continue to do so), and also expressed my need for Him to be my provider and keep this roof over my head. He has yet to fail me.

So through a series of thoughts and conversations I’ve been toying with the idea to go to Bethel. I see a ton of good there, but I don’t have a mind for logistics and frankly it stresses me out. One of the big things that is stressing me out (aside from not being able to provide for myself will I’m there) is having to leave everything behind. Everything that I’ve only had such a brief time to enjoy. Everything that will not be here for me when I come back. If I come back. And in this state of mind I read about the Israelites going in to exile into the land of confusion. But God says don’t worry, there’s life for you there. Go, have families, grow crops, make a home for yourself. Don’t stop living. “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I wouldn’t say I’m one to get panic attacks, but I think I may have come close to one the other day. I was thinking and praying about this whole moving situation and I got an image of the ground being taken from under my feet. Immediately I start frantically scrambling for God’s arm. Just then I hear His voice saying, “It’s ok, I’ve got you. It’s ok. I’ve got you.” Over and over again. And as I hear it I realize that it doesn’t matter how frenzied my need to get a grip is, His grip is the one that matters, it's been there all along and He’s not letting go.

So should I stay or should I go? After reading all that I’d almost be a fool to stay. But I do need help. I need God to have grace on my imperfect human mind and fill me with reassurance. I need clear direction because I have a lot of options. I need peaceful release of all that He has blessed me with here, knowing that this isn’t the be all and end all of my life and happiness. I need a filling of hope, of the joyful expectation of something good. I want to know with certainty in my head and in my heart that Bethel is where I need to be right now, and if not there then where? I don’t care so long as I have that certainty and peace and confidence to keep moving forward knowing that I’m moving in to what God has planned for me (and planned me for). So there it is God. Do your work. I’m open and willing and waiting.

Privileged

noreply@blogger.com (tred) — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 23:45:00 +0000

I have had the privilege of traveling to many parts of this world, some of which were almost completely closed off to the rest of the world. For whatever reason, God delighted to take me to places that many people will never see. I was a "prayer spy", a "holy explorer", sent to survey the land and intercede with every step. So when the chance came to go to India my mind immediately filled with images of me standing victoriously in the slums and all-out worshipping on the trashed beaches. All of my previous trips were almost entirely land/intercession focused and not very hands on as far as human interaction was concerned. I knew that this India trip would be different and challenge me in that area, but I severely underestimated how much. Children have a way of breaking down walls that no other force on earth can come close to matching.

As soon as I arrived in Visak I was immediately swept up in this flood of excited anticipation, joy, and hand-holding. Over the course of six weeks my relationships with the kids deepened and went beyond the "yay, another foreigner to play with" into extremely thought-provoking discussions on life and death and God. I felt entirely unequipped but felt the presence of God in it all, and experienced what it means to truly have His spirit flow through me.

Yet there was a restlessness in me that couldn't always be held back. Often times I felt like I was being denied the Indian experience I had dreamed of. I wanted to stand victoriously in the slum and worship on the beach like I had seen in my mind. Wrestling with God became a regular midnight activity. It wasn't until I was leaving that He laid it all out for me. He showed me how I had stood with Him in the slums, and how I had worshipped Him on the beach. I wanted to stand for God in the presence of darkness and He wanted me to stand in His presence and witness what He was doing through this ministry. I wanted to go were few will go and I wanted to see what not many will get to see. God took me to those places and showed me those things in the hearts of these amazing kids.

For six weeks I was immersed in their lives and truly felt like "Laura Sista" and it felt like death to have to leave. I tried to choke down my goodbyes as I rode with them to school one last time. My heart swelled and shattered into a million pieces as they said "don't go sister, we love you". But I realized that it wasn't so much a breaking as an expanding. It would have been impossible to leave a piece of my heart there with each of them if it didn't break first. So for that I'm truly thankful and count myself as blessed, and dream of the day I will have the privilege of going back and seeing what else God has done.