Laura Without Labels

Thanks Bevmo!

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 12:59:00 +0000

The boy and I took a nice trip last weekend up to Sonoma to do some wine tasting. We've been trying to find a wine that I enjoy. Earlier in the week he took me to a Bevmo. He was very excited for me to see a normal establishment that sold liquor. In Pennsylvania, the law requires that liquor be sold in state stores and beer separately by distributors. Neither can be sold in grocery or convenience stores. So Bevmo was actually fun. So are the grocery stores! If I need milk AND vodka, I don't have to make two stops. Such conveniences are a mystery to us Pennsylvanians.

While at Bevmo, we asked a gentleman to recommend a sweeter white wine that I might enjoy, since I tend to not enjoy dry wines. He suggested a Gewurztraminer, which sounded as good as any to me. We went home and had a taste but decided it would be better cold. So on Friday in Sonoma, we went to four different wineries. I tried so many wines but was having trouble finding something that didn't inspire a sour expression. Finally, at the last winery the woman suggested we try a Gewurztraminer and I remembered it was the same type we'd tried earlier in the week. This wine was served cold and was very sweet at first. I loved it and bought a bottle.

After returning home on Sunday, I went to put the bottle in the fridge next to the other bottle we'd tried and I just burst out laughing. I swear to you, it was the exact same bottle. Two bottles of 2008 Chateau St. Jean Gewurztraminer. The only difference between the two was about $2.50. Guess the guy at Bevmo knows his stuff.

Tree Hugger

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 03:46:00 +0000

I've always been pretty outdoorsy. I was a Girl Scout all through high school. My family opted out of the traditional beach vacations in favor of week long camping trips in the Laurel Highlands and surrounding areas. Pennsylvania and the Tristate area is really extraordinary with regard to it's landscapes. People are also pretty surprised to discover how green Pittsburgh is as a city. Lots of lush hillsides covered with trees, the small neighborhoods with community parks and gardens. It takes a lot to impress me when I am drawing from these kinds of experiences.

This past Saturday the boy and I went to Muir Woods just outside of San Francisco which is home to 240 acres of old growth Coast Redwoods. I've seen pictures of Redwood trees online and in books, but you don't really get it until you are there looking at them. We spent a good four hours wandering the forest and even as we were left I was still saying "Wow, look at that one!" My sense of wonder was both stirred and calmed in this forest, especially once we managed to wander off the main path where most of the tourists congregate. After hiking up a hill a few hundred feet we found a small bench and just sat there for a while staring down the hill.

Some of them were over 800 years old. So familiar was the smell of the dark forest, musty and green; quiet yet some sounds just hanging in the air waiting to be heard. I was pretty shook up over the horrible hate crime that took place in Pittsburgh last week, and these trees really restored my sense of peacefulness. I didn't really want to be wrestling with my own mortality while on vacation, but sometimes those things can't be avoided. I'm glad the Redwoods were there - and will still be there hundreds of years from now.

California Love

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 22:27:00 +0000

I'm sure you know I'm a Pittsburgh girl. I love Pittsburgh and the people there. Pittsburgh is the people really. But this week I'm getting a taste of a new scene, and I've got to say I'm really loving it.

My boyfriend's work has taken him to California and I've taken a two weeks between jobs to visit him. I would have visited him in Nebraska if that's where he was, but the fact that he's just outside of San Francisco is a pretty sweet bonus. I've never had a vacation that was this long before. I'll be very rejuvenated for my new life which includes a fantastic new apartment, a great part time teaching job, exciting full time graduate school and general all-the-time awesome! But for now I'm enjoying the full time sunshine and delicious California wine. Also, turns out, if you don't have a corkscrew, a hammer and a regular screw work just fine.

I've managed to make the most of my free time while on vacation; I've gotten all caught up on my financial planning for school, reading a great book about fear and writing, and of course, actually writing. Plus I've gotten my blog reader updated, organized my three different email addresses (one for personal, job and grad school - yikes!) and also did some scaling down of my social networks. I'm really excited to finally have time to focus on the things I love; writing, editing and teaching. I almost can't believe how cool my life will be once I return from California.

I've been tagged in a meme by the lovely Daisybones. I believe I'm just supposed to tell you seven random facts about myself. Here goes!

1) My fingernails grow so fast I must file them daily or they get annoyingly long.

2) I can manage to go a few days without noticing that I haven't eaten a fresh vegetable. This is odd, considering I'm vegetarian.

3) I really love white cheddar cheese popcorn. OM NOM NOM.

4) Lately, I've been considering not being vegetarian anymore. Thoughts? Suggestions?

5) My poetry has been very corporeal lately. Lots of strange body imagery. I'm digging it.

6) I went to church this past Sunday with the boy. UU churches in California rock. It was the first time in over a year.

7) I've officially run 5 times on the Couch to 5K plan.

Bloggers I will tag (but are in no way obligated to respond):

Mags over at Plucked from Ogygia
Liz with Surplus Cats
Jen at Deliberatepixel
Mary B. in her Word Cage

I changed the layout here and did some general housekeeping. Hope you like it. I plan on spending more time blogging. And I'm not just saying that. I miss it.

I Can't Believe She's Blogging - or Running!

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 16:37:00 +0000

I have been way too busy lately, but also not busy - just spending far too much time ~~watching hours of NCIS~~ unwinding. There have been a number of large factors stressing me out big time; starting grad school, being in a long distance (monogamous) relationship, staying on top of stuff for Weave, visiting family/friends, work, finding part time employment during school - BAH! That list isn't even half of it. The stress has been manifesting itself in physical and emotional symptoms; lots of crying fits, too much TV/computer time, avoiding people and chores, really tight shoulder muscles and most recently, insomnia. Once I get to the place where my sleep is effed up, then I know I must make a change.

This past weekend I bought some running shoes. I've had it in my mind that I needed to exercise regularly. That is the missing component of my stress management. I can do all the deep breathing I want, but if I'm not letting loose all this built up tension, then I just end up depressed. My friend Erika informed me that running is the single best way to get in shape; fast and free. Although the new running shoes I bought weren't free, but ultimately not having shin splints means they are a good investment.

My boyfriend also told me about this awesome program called Couch to 5K. Basically just gradually gets you into running. It's more of a joggging-walking program, but that's all I can manage anyway. I like the alternating between running and walking too; it works well my my ADD and tendency to get really bored quickly with just wakling. I ran for the first time yesterday after work. I pretty much felt like I might die. But that's to be expected. Erika said the next time I run - especially if I do it again in the next 3-4 days - I might feel a little bit less like death. I plan to run Friday again. I will post some pictures of me before and after if I think of it. I look like a lobster after I work out. It's funny.

I'd also like to point out that another thing I'm doing to manage stress is writing more. I've been working diligently on a new poem and also disciplining myself to write down little ideas more and more. I think this is the key to higher output with writing; I have to be a slave to my inspiration - constantly just writing down even the smallest of ideas. They become larger. I like where my writing is going these days too - a lot of it is about the body. Physical manifestations of emotion through metaphor. I think that my running might show up as a theme eventually. I'd really like to strengthen my bodily awareness. Right now, I'm pretty clueless about my body and the cause-and-effect nature of what I do to/put in it. I could eat something that caused an allergy for a week and I'd be like "Why do I feel like crap!?" - I'm just not that aware yet. I will be soon I think. I can already see how my body feels different after one run (mostly I'm just sore).

I'd like to say that this blog post was inspired by my BFF Heidi and her Blog-a-thon this weekend. She asked me to participate, but I have too much going on this weekend to lose more sleep. So I hope you'll consider supporting her in her cause to raise awareness about LGBT issues in West Virginia.

I hope to write more about my running - and about my writing (Writing about writing?!! I'm so meta! I must be a blogger!) in the weeks to come.

I heart New York

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 00:57:00 +0000

A few weeks ago I took a trip to New York City and it was by far my favorite trip there. It was my fifth time visiting but it was the first time that I felt like NYC was a place I could actually inhabit. This was made possible by the fact that I was shown the city by someone who grew up there. My boyfriend Sal grew up in Brooklyn and he told me stories about living there as a child, taking the subway to school in the mornings. I laughed, imagining my mother ever being ok with me taking the subway anywhere - as an adult - much less as a young teenager on my way to school. What a different lifestyle. We got tickets to Broadway shows and ate at this delicious sushi place - we even stayed one night in this fantastically swanky hotel we got for a discount. We traveled out to Brooklyn and Queens to meet his friends and family. It was so fantastic to not feel like a tourist. If you have the chance, I highly recommend visiting New York with a native. It's a whole different experience. Here are some pictures below, mostly of Time Square - we had so much fun that we forgot to take pictures.

Art & Science Intersection - The 15 Minutes Gallery

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 03:00:00 +0000

I'm continually impressed with the awesome things I still discover about my city. I received a notice from the Pittsburgh Council on the Arts about the 15 Minutes Gallery, a gallery in downtown Pittsburgh that strives to showcase the intersection of art and technology.

The Pittsburgh Technology Council's 15 Minutes Gallery is Southwestern Pennsylvania's foremost conduit for artists and businesses to come together and proactively promote culture and commerce. Focused on exploring the intersection of art and technology, the works of art in the Gallery span the gamut of artistic mediums and expression all while magnifying Pittsburgh’s unique cultural lexicon. Invest in our region's future, and rich cultural heritage: Invest in Art.

They are currently sponsoring an initiative The BurghBot Project! along with The Pittsburgh Technology Council and CREATE Lab. They are currently seeking artists and roboticists to participate in the 2009 Annual Art and Technology Exhibition. They are still open for submissions until April 1, 2009. Check it out! You can also hook up with 15 Minutes Gallery on Facebook and Myspace.

Tobacco Lovely

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 18:24:00 +0000

I spent this weekend with Davka, my sweet deer girl, who is helping me reconnect with my inner bohemian woman who roams the world in search of inspiration and perspiration and sex and delicious food. We had a night full of female ritual where we told stories from our past adventures - when we sang Like a Prayer in a local tavern in the Mon Valley, peed outside in a patch of marigolds, set our sights on lovers at the bar-altar and told our dreams to start a matriarchal farm - all in the past and beautiful and sweet in their nostalgia. Last night we danced in her living room and dressed ourselves for a night out. Life has given each of us many walls to climb, rocky paths to traverse barefoot, so last night we drank from our own oasis. We drank and sang and danced and played dress up in her stripper gear. She taught me the moves and I failed miserably (I couldn't stop laughing). We held each other as we slept and we felt a deep connection to the pain of the world and the breath shared between us. We woke up and remembered stories from the night before, yet another poetic memory to add to our growing bookshelf.

We have committed ourselves to making more art and Davka taught me to make her beautiful collages that she creates for her blog. "Tobacco Lovely" is my poor woman's attempt to share the pictures of my heart and core. My inner strength is this woman, strong like a tree, growing in chaos and tobacco, still lovely in her pain, still strong in the mud surrounding her roots.

A Love Letter to Pittsburgh

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 16:07:00 +0000

I love Pittsburgh. Let me just start there. It's the place to start really. I love this city, its people, what it has to offer and how willing it is to accept what I have to give. I love the food, the noise, the hills and rivers, and honestly, I even love the weather on days like today when the roads are icy and kids have off school. I love it because we bond over it. We gripe about the weather, but we stay here. We stay because not even freezing rain would keep us from all the other wonderful things this city has to offer.

I wasn't always in love with Pittsburgh. For a while I resented the fact that it was assumed I'd stay here, have a family, never leave. I wanted to experience the world and the culture in other areas. I also wanted to get away from my rather large family for a long time. My family is pretty typical Pittsburgh - large, loud and close knit. All up in my business. On both sides of my family, my ancestors immigrated to America and landed here - in Pittsburgh, specifically the south hills. I realized this must say something both about Pittsburgh and what it means to live here and about myself, since I've chosen to stay.

I chose to stay because Pittsburgh won me over. Pittsburgh woo'd me. And because I realized Pittsburgh held my heart all along. That I could visit other cities, but Pittsburgh will always be my home. The thing about Pittsburgh is that you can't be lazy. We are hard workers and if you are willing to just make the effort, you will find out just how much this city has to offer. A vibrant arts and cultural scene. Some of the best hospitals in the world. Amazing colleges and universities. Food like Primantis and Pasta Too. Fantastic sports teams - and even more fantastic fans. And that just the tip of the iceberg.

In the midst of this love letter to my hometown, I have a confession to make. I have not watched one Steelers game this entire season. It's not that I don't like the Steelers, its just that I don't really like sports. I'm more of a hiker and a camper myself. I have been known to play the occasional game of frisbee with my family. But sports never really held my attention, especially football. I am way too ADD to have my attention held when the game keeps starting and stopping. I also don't mean to sound like a snob - football is a complex sport. Just not my thing. I'm rooting for them though. I will always champion my Steel City.

So despite my lack of knowledge about football, I'm so excited that the Steelers are going to the Superbowl! Because what's great about the Steelers is also what's great about Pittsburgh: the people, the fans. Those of us that live here, we get it. If you go to other cities, I guarantee you'll find a Steelers bar. And it's not just about football, it's about community. It's about that feeling that you get when you are surrounded by people who value the things that are important in life: family, friends and damn good food.

The One I've Always Wanted

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 00:13:00 +0000

So I know it's Friday and no one read's blogs, but I'm just too happy to not share. I got a really great job this week and I'm super excited. Just before the holidays I left a really stressful work environment, which is part of what's kept me from blogging. I'm also recently single again so I'm starting fresh on everything. I'm really looking forward to this time to just focus on myself and getting what I want out of life. It's like the scene from one of my favorite movies, Stranger Than Fiction:

Harold: "You just have to understand. This isn’t a philosophy, a literary theory, or a story to me. It’s my life.”

Prof Hilbert: "Absolutely, so just go make it the one you’ve always wanted.”

Maybe I'll learn to play the guitar too.

Strength

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 19:32:00 +0000

I think that sometimes people can confuse my rational, practical side with what can be perceived as cynicism. I consider myself a skeptic, one who tries to look at a situation rationally, relies on evidence and facts to make decisions. This, however, is not my natural tendency, as I normally tend toward the emotional during times of high stress. I feel that skepticism gives me that first line of defense for me, when I feel helpless in the midst of powerful emotions.

I have had an extremely stressful holiday season. Problems with my employment and financial situation and within my personal life, have created a very intense emotional path I've had to traverse this past month. I think a lot of people experience stress during the holidays, especially considering the fact that we are supposed to be jolly and merry and joyful right? That's what all the commercials are telling us. But inside, that doesn't often match up.

The stress and emotion I experienced during these past few weeks were at times unbearable. I tried to rely on the skills I've developed to get me through stress and anxiety. But this time, it didn't work. I began to feel powerless, as though my entire lifestyle was crumbling and I was helpless to prevent it.

I live alone and in times of high stress, the worst part of my day is bedtime. I can put off my stress, my thoughts, my worries during the day. But it is within the silence and darkness of my bed, where I used to find such warmth and comfort as a child, that as an adult all my demons come to haunt me. All the monsters in my closet and the snakes beneath my bed - they find me.

I know I talk about my family and friends a lot, but I don't know if I ever really appreciated them as much as I do now. After these past few weeks, I've realized that I have more people in my life to lean on that I ever imagined. I have been so fortunate to have a loving, supportive family - my mother is a neverending source of comfort and solace. When I was up at 5am with a panic attack, she was awake to invite me over when I called for help. She made me an omlette (as many moms like to fix our problems with a good meal) and we watched an old favorite miniseries, Anne of Green Gables. When I couldn't fall asleep at night, I had Davka on the phone and I was so grateful for her comfort. When I needed a hug, Stephanie and Beth and Heather were there with open arms. Casandra talked me down from my anxiety all the way from Oregon. Margaret and Mihnea listened to me talk about what I've learned and offered their attention and patience. And so much more. Brothers and sisters, friends, family - I couldn't be more lucky.

I also got to spend some time with my cousin Sue, who has always been my life guru. I call her my Pig Woman after this terrible play I saw. I believe I've posted about her before. She gave me great advice about personal resilience and strength. That there is a place inside each of us, that no one can touch, no matter what. A place in our center, in our psyche. Great inspirational leaders of our time like Martin Luther King, Jr. knew about this core in a human being. They drew on it for strength regularly. It can also come from experience, surviving times of upheaval and realizing how much you can handle and that you can take on that much and anything less. That's great advice, and perspective.

I also recognize that while we all have that untouchable place, that it must be nourished and replenished by our support system. By our friends that listen, our mothers that hug us, our friends that make us food, our brothers and sisters that give us company - even my mom's cat knew when I needed someone to snuggle. There must be a balance, at least for me. I know that I am strong and capable - I can weather much more than I originally thought. But I also know that in times when life seems almost unbearable, when it seems I can't keep the demons and monsters at bay, I can draw on the strength of the many people who love me, until I find my center again.

The Year of Laura

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:19:00 +0000

After a short time off, I'm back to blogging and, as usual, feeling rather reflective on my time off.

I've been dealing with a lot of issues in my personal life. That struggle has forced me to reach out to my support system. Locally, I have a large extended family that has always been really supportive. I also have way more good friends than I ever thought I did. These people have really been there for me, even some in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. I'm seriously so lucky.

I have missed my online community. I have still been around on Twitter and what not, but I have missed this blog. When I took it down, I got a number of people contacting me asking how they could access it. I had no idea so many people read it. I longed for that connection with a larger community.

So I am back. And I've decided something about this year in my life. It's going to be the Year of Laura. I'm taking a phrase from my friend Molly, who decided to focus solely on herself for a year and make her life the one she's always wanted. 2009 didn't really start off the way I'd planned it, but I'm going to ride that wave of change into the coming months and see where the tide takes me.

Art & Science Intersection - The Scientific Poet

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 14:55:00 +0000

It is evident that I'm not the only person on the internets that is looking for examples of the art & science intersection. I've been checking into a few other blogs who seem to be doing a similar kind of cataloging and I was inspired to look into Rorscharch Ink blot tests after reading this post over at Spilt Martini. The writer over there has had a life long love affair with both art and science and a fascinating example of the merging is the painting of an MRI scan the artist posted. And I was reminded just how much I love Gnarls Barkley.

I myself am particularly drawn to art that is informed by science and scientific progress, primarily because I considering myself more creative than scientific. I've been working on incorporating more scientific or medical elements into my poetry. I've written a poem paying homage to bowerbirds, beautiful creatures who use found human objects to make their nests colorful, thus attracting new mates. I studied parts of the heart and how it functions to write a poem about the word "open" - without actually using the word "open" in the whole poem. I even wrote a funny poem about pareidolia and how people love to see faces of religious figures in their food. I hope to explore this area more in the future with my writing. I also hope some of these poems are published someday so I can share them with you.

It only makes sense that in the first issue of Weave Magazine you will find a number of poems where science is informing the writing or visual art. Dana Guthrie Martin's poem Parasitic Cloaking is a great example, such a haunting look at pregnancy, birth and the strange, symbiotic relationship between mother and (what becomes) a child. It seems that this theme has come to the forefront of Weaves second issue where we explore the world of fairytales and science and their overlap. My co-editor Margaret writes:

Issue 02 will show you science versus fairytale, and where the two may meet. The characters are diverse; a man working in an asylum in the 1960's, the monsters in your closet, and a princess who'd rather be a mad scientist, among others, all equally colorful.

I'm very excited to see where this theme takes us - especially now that we've shared it with our readers. We are hoping we will get more submissions along this strange and beautiful theme.

Turning Inward

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 13:07:00 +0000

Sometimes it's the time of year. Pittsburgh gets so gray in the winter. You get used to the darkness, the hibernation. You come home after a work day and even if it wasn't particularly hard, you just curl up on your couch with some leftovers and tune out. I have a lot of time to myself, time to read, time to write. It's not like I haven't been writing. I've been working on some projects for Weave and reading submissions. But this time of year, when the outside world is harsh and biting, we turn inward. Into our homes, into our ovens, into our selves and those closest to us. We turn toward tradition - either old ones, or creating new ones.

With only two days from Thanksgiving, I still have some planning to do. I have yet to buy the ingredients for the green bean casserole. But I figure it will all be on sale anyway and I won't make it until Thursday morning regardless. I need to get some kind of gift for my mom and grandma - they always do such a lovely job with Thanksgiving. They have always included me, despite the fact that I am vegetarian. People always ask me what I eat on Thanksgiving. I usually ask them what they eat and I tell them I eat everything they do, except the turkey. My mom makes a large tray of vegetarian stuffing (MY FAVORITE), corn casserole, green beans, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, rolls, yams - there is always plenty of food for anyone and everyone. We will have at least 14 of us this year at Thanksgiving. I love this holiday, mostly because of the food and family time, but also because it is a secular holiday. It requires no belief, except gratitude for what you have. I have a lot to be grateful for.

I began baking this weekend. I don't really bake any other time of year except now when my mom, grandma, sister-in-law and I make cookie trays to give as gifts. We all split up the cookie recipes and make at least 5 dozen of each kind. Then in mid-December we bring them over to my mom's house and lay them all out on her dining room table, sometimes spilling over into the kitchen. We bring beautiful big trays and smaller little plates and cover them with over 20 different kinds of cookies. Some of my favorites include apricot rolls, molasses, oatmeal raisin, baklava, lady fingers, cream wafers and of course, chocolate chip. This was a tradition my mother and grandma have shared for years, longer than I've been alive. I remember when my grandma would come over with boxes and containers of cookies, my brothers and I trying to sneak one or two (or ten). I remember when my sister-in-law (who also happens to be a friend of mine since fifth grade) and I were included. We got new kinds of cookies from her family's recipes. When we give these cookie trays as gifts, people are always impressed with the variety and that everything is homemade. I love this tradition.

I was talking to my mom this past weekend and she asked me if I had plans for Christmas Eve this year. My family usually attends a local church service and spends time with a family friend who celebrates the Italian tradition of the Seven Fishes. I realized these past few Christmases, my (now ex) husband and I had created a little tradition of opening our gifts early on Christmas Eve. This was kind of special to me because as a child, my parents never let us open one gift until Christmas morning. I'm not sure what I'll do this year on Christmas Eve. My sweeties will be with their respective families so I might just end up attending a service at the Unitarian Universalist Church I belong to. This time of year... I long for that looking inward again, while anchoring myself to a community so I don't fall too far inside myself. My mom also invited me to spend the night at their house on Christmas Eve. Considering they all wake up at 7am on Christmas morning to open gifts, I might just stay at my place. I think I will need to come up with my own tradition.

Most of all, this time of year, I crave the slower pace. I crave the time to sleep in, to eat more, to move less. Less sunlight, less serotonin. Cold outside, warm inside. More sleep. More cuddling. I love the natural tradition of biology and seasonal shifts - that simple reminder that humans aren't outside of nature looking at it, but connected to it. Even if depression sinks in a bit, I have the experience and maturity to know it will thaw and melt with the snow come March. That is the bright side of this darkening. But as the days will continue to shorten I will take the time to reflect, to write, to read, and to spend time with the ones I love. And probably gain a couple pounds too.

Art & Science Intersections - Pittsburgh styles!

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 21:09:00 +0000

I recently started following The Mattress Factory on Twitter. For those of you not from Pittsburgh, the MF is not what you think (no Sealy Posturpedics here!). MF is a museum that you experience in multiple dimensions with all your senses - you literally walk through the art! Each room in the MF is an installation piece that widen your perception of what a museum can be. From their website:

The Mattress Factory is a museum of contemporary art that exhibits room-sized works called installations. Created on site by artists from across the country and around the world, our unique exhibitions feature a variety of media that engage all of the senses.

Whilst following the MF on twitter, they alerted me to an interesting local art project called Street with a View. Artists Robin Hewlett and Ben Kinsley collaborated with the Google Street View team to "blur the lines between fiction and reality" with their documentation of Sampsonia Way on Pittsburgh's North Side. Working with actual community members and the MF (which is on Sampsonia Way) they created and acted out various stories of potential happenings on a neighborhood street. Things like sword fights, band practice, a human ham and a moving van are now all a part of the actual street view option for Sampsonia Way in Pittsburgh (seriously, check it out for yourself). It is a really interesting idea about how art, technology and community can all converge into one statement. Makes me wonder how I would want people to visualize my neighborhood and what stories we could tell through pictures.

Check out this short documentary: The Making of "Street with a View"

If you are visiting Pittsburgh I strongly suggest you check out the MF (along with our other wonderful museums!)

Art & Science Intersections - kids & education!

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 02:09:00 +0000

I came across a number of awesome intersections last week pertaining to education and children. I studied elementary education (although I never taught and never will) - science was one of my favorite subjects to teach! There were so many great ways to be creative and scientific in one lesson. I especially love when kids get to draw pictures of something from a science lesson, like the moon cycles or the lower intestines (those are real pretty).

I found a great organization via this blog post over at Creative Synthesis:

River of Words is a non-profit group based in California that uses art and poetry to involve students in an "observation-based nature exploration" - using art to teach science, respect for nature, community involvement, one's role in society and the natural world - WOW. Just an awesome program.

sciencegeekgirl shares a podcast:

Science Teaching Tips (a site by and for science teachers) discusses the use of theater in the science classroom in their podcast - "Exploratorium staff educator Tory Brady performs a bit of theater, demonstrating the roles of the star players in the immune system."

And I just thought this one was cute:

Where Art Meets Science: Kids are so awesome. It was made in Sunday school too. Woot.

Reflections on being a blogger

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 00:19:00 +0000

I have gotten some new readership as of late since I had the awesome opportunity to do a post for Skepchick, along with my budding internet romances I have going on via twitter. I'm really excited to have this space and excited about all the things I can do with it in the future. As you can tell, I've changed the layout a bit. I'm working on a new design as well, once I nail down a local photographer.

*UPDATE: I've also just found out that Feministing posted about that stupid poll and linked to my letter to E! Online and Ted Casablanca - what a week!*

With the new readership, I also started looking into ads for my blog. I soon found out that I don't have nearly enough readers to make money from ads and it would definitely change the feel of my blog. Interestingly, on that same day I came across this post on the blog Dopp Juice and I felt justified in my choice to abandon ads. She also got me thinking about what my priorities are with this blog. I think overall, I love having a space to write and to get feedback. To me, my writing is something that I can't live with out. I make it a priority to be very thoughtful with my topics and try to have a variety so people are interested. But the feedback portion is (almost) tied with my writing. Honestly, I'd probably still write even if I didn't have an audience of sorts, but I love the interaction between reader and writer, how people influence my post topics, how other blogs inspire me. So with that being said, I think community building is also a priority for me here - both online and in real life as well. And if someone learns something in the process of the writing, reading and community building - that's just the icing on the cake. I am not trying to change the world with my writing, but I figure 1) I have an interesting life so it makes for good blog post topics and 2) I like to challenge the status quo and getting an alternative perspective out in the world is important to me.

So to summarize, here are my priorities with my blog:

Having a space to write
Getting feedback from readers
Creating communities, both on and off-line
Educate people on my awesomeness (and other cool things too)

Last week I was also contacted by a couple people who found my blog either through Facebook or just online searches. One will even result in my being profiled, along with my Weave co-editor Margaret, for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. Sometime in the next week we'll be featured as community members who have done something "noteworthy" in a feature they called "Newsmakers" - awesome! So while I might not be making money directly off my blog here, I'm definitely making connections that benefit me in other ways, both personally and professionally.

I have had this blog for almost one year now - November marks my Laura (Without Labels) anniversary and I'm not sure what I'll do to celebrate. Perhaps a fun video post is in order, since I have a MacBook now. Makes video blogging so much easier. I'm sure I'll come up with something fun.

Art & Science Intersections

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 19:25:00 +0000

In just three short days, my google alert emails have sent me a plethora of topics to highlight with regard to the intersection of art and science. I do plan to highlight one ~~every week or so~~ at least twice a month (that's more realistic). More often though, I will post a list of links of interest with a short overview of the innovative things happening in the overlap of these two areas.

First I'd like to thank Amanda at Skepchick for sharing this lovely nugget via twitter:

Quantum Cello - Have a listen to WNYC's interview with cellist Zoe Keating (former member of Rasputina) who infuses the "physics...of looping sound" into her recording

I found this on a search via google:

Experimental Media and Performing Arts Center (EMPAC) - From their website: "EMPAC is a place and a program where the arts, technology and science will challenge and transform each other. Founded by Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute...It will offer artists, visiting scholars, researchers, engineers, designers, and audiences opportunities that are available nowhere else under a single roof, providing unsurpassed facilities for creative exploration as well as for research in fields ranging from visualization to immersive environments to large-scale interactive simulations"

Many thanks to google news alerts for making all this research so easy and for sending me this wonderful poetry.

Three Poems by Sarah Lindsay - My personal favorite is the first one here entitled, Song of the Spadefoot Toad, where Lindsay manages to capture both the awesome and the ridiculous, the beautiful and the painful aspects of the natural world and our confusion at finding our place in it.

The False Dichotomy Between Art and Science

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:30:00 +0000

I recently had a bit of a disagreement with a new online friend of mine who posted this post on his blog about why he decided to choose a career in physics over his other passions of sports, music, art and politics. When I was reading his article, I understood his main focus was to make the point that science is a noble career path and also a stable one. Often it is more difficult to be a big success at something like music or sports, but this also depends on ones desires and definition of success. Nevertheless, I had no problem with someone deciding to choose one career path over another. The fault in my friends argument I found was his position that science is intrinsically more valuable than all of these other fields, including the arts.

The above statement is obviously false.

I posted a big long comment on his blog to which he graciously responded and accepted my position, clarifying that he simply meant to argue why he chose a particular career path. But I pointed out that in the process he created a false dichotomy between art and science and failed to see how they feed into one another, particularly in the area of technology and art.

Before I go on, I want to share with you my response to his post as he has given me permission to repost my comment here. I have portions of his post in italics.

________

I have to say that, as a writer and co-editor of an art and literary magazine, I have to STRONGLY disagree with your logic regarding the intrinsic value of the arts as a whole. So I’d like to correct you if you don’t mind:

The importance of arts is the inspiration and effects that the artist has on its audience. The right artist, with the right exposure, has the chance to change the world and the way people see it. However, this is very infrequently the case.

I agree with your first sentence in part: you seem to miss the whole point of self-expression and the value that creating art has for the artist themselves. After that first sentence I completely disagree. You are saying that unless you are Picasso or The Beatles then why bother trying? You aren’t really affecting any kind of real change right? That’s completely and totally false. The arts do have ways of reaching people – I run a small art and literary magazine and we have been very successful in bringing together a small community of people. We are building connections with other artists for collaborative projects. We are providing people with an outlet for their self-expression. We are a showcase for beautiful poetry, photography, fiction – the list goes on! We are running community workshops for writing and helping people get more involved with other writers. Ok, now that I’m done talking about how awesome my magazine is, I can take a break to say that we probably won’t change the world. But this experience alone has changed my life forever. My life is richer and has more meaning knowing that I’m helping people succeed as writers and artists. You simply cannot try to measure inspiration in the number of people you inspire. Even if you write a beautiful poem and it only inspires yourself – well, I feel there is deep, meaningful value there. You simply can’t measure emotional experience, personal growth or inspiration. Just because something isn’t quantifiable doesn’t negate its importance.

The more common use of music and art is simply entertainment, which I do believe is important. However, I feel that it is important to distinguish that I am not saying that any of these pursuits like athletics, arts, or politics are not on some level important, but just that I regard them with less overall greater importance than I do science.

Here you are saying that if you aren’t affecting great change, then the only other purpose art must serve is entertainment. This is kind of ridiculous. Even on a small scale, the arts have so many purposes: community building, education, cultural preservation and expression, affect political change, therapeutic purposes, add value to a community, self expression! One beautiful piece of art can change someone’s emotional state. I’m not just talking about Mozart’s symphonies here. I have a friend who writes beautiful songs and barely sings them to anyone – but I’ve been changed by her music. To say the only value the arts have is for entertainment you are devaluing the better part of human history. Human beings create. Human beings imagine. This is one of the things that sets us apartment from all other species.

Arts, to me, are like a drug…

I will refrain from being insulted here because I think you are a nice guy and don’t mean any harm. For you to argue that just because all your experiences with the arts made you irresponsible and flaky and then to deduce that this must be the case for all people with all art forms – that is not only insulting, but its unfounded. You are saying that your personal experiences must define everyone else’s – and that’s just bad logic there. I will give you this: art can be used as a form of escapism. But arts also inspire people in the darkest moments of their lives. They are a call to action – personal and political action. The arts have inspired revolutions! Great literature has made people so upset they wish to burn the very words of the author. The arts can change they way people think, the way people live their lives, their ethics and values.

Arts make you feel better for a little while but science actually makes us better, more often than not, forever.

This statement is wrong in two ways. One, you are making it sound like all scientists are working on a cure for cancer. There are plenty of scientists out there who aren’t extending our life span. There is also plenty of silly science out there! Just take a look at the Ignoble Prize winners for this year. Science can simply make our lives enjoyable in the same way some art can make our lives enjoyable. I have see no problem with this – but don’t argue that all sciences endeavors are solving the AIDS crisis when we all know its not the case. Also, you seem to say that any value that art provides is fleeting emotional distraction at best. You have sold the arts short here. Why do we have entire museums dedicated to the preservation of great works of art? Should we not waste our time investing in the preservation of our libraries full of great works of literature? These things have lasted through the ages just like science. The arts and sciences do strive toward different goals in some areas, but neither is more or less valuable than the other. So sure, science can extend our lifespan so humans will someday live for 500 years, but without the arts, with out language, without music, without self-expression – we will surely be bored and lacking. Sure science can keep us a live but the arts make life worth living.

________

This whole dialogue has inspired in me a desire to blast open this false dichotomy between art and science. I will be writing a series of posts under the theme "The Intersection of Art and Science" in an attempt to correct the notion that these two disciplines are unrelated. Rarely anything in life is that cut and dry and while our society loves to categorize us, loves to label us as either "creative" or "scientific" - why can't someone be both? Certainly scientists have to be, at times, creative and innovative and artist need to be methodical and disciplined sometimes as well.

If you have any ideas or examples of such an intersection, feel free to contact me and let me know.

Guilty Pleasure: TLC's What Not to Wear

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 23:45:00 +0000

I am not the kind of person who worries about how I look on a daily basis. I shower (wow I set the standard low), sometimes I dry my hair, and I wear clean, functional clothing. So when I am doing something special, that is when I take the time to straighten my hair, put on makeup, maybe even *gasp* iron something! I love the transformation and for me it makes the idea of "dressing up" have meaning. I can be creative and have fun. So when I see a makeover show on TV, it just brings me so much joy. I love a good makeover show. I'm a total sucker for watching someone go from frumpy to fancy. However, I struggle with a bit of guilt about getting joy from something so superficial.

My favorite makeover show is TLC's What Not to Wear. The fashion-challenged victim is usually nominated by friends and family and filmed for 2 weeks to demonstrate their lack of style. And also humiliate them into saying yes when Stacy and Clinton surprise them with a $5000 credit card in their name. The thing most people have trouble with is giving up all their clothing - something they have to agree to in order to get the money. They are then taught how to buy clothing for their body type, what kinds of colors and fabrics work best for them and they also get a new hairstyle and a makeup overhaul.

Aside from the physical changes each nominee goes through, there is also a very fascinating psychological element to this show. Most people have a weird emotional attachment to their sense of style (or lack their of) and have to be broken down by the hosts "tough love" approach. After a day of shopping, you watch the fashion student breakdown and confront whatever issues they might have with their body and general self image. Then they are built back up and shown just how awesome they can look and leave feeling like they have a new lease on life.

Despite all of this, I feel guilty about liking a show that puts so much emphasis on our physical appearance. But I feel that the nominees (most often women in their early 20s to middle age) really do have valid emotional experiences. I struggle with the part of me that loves watching someone blossom and gain more confidence. Because why do they suddenly value themselves now that they have expensive cloths and a new haircut? Below I have outlined my specific issues with the show along with the positive things I see in it.

The Downside of WNTW

Self-Worth in What We Wear
I've already touched on this a bit - the hosts Stacy and Clinton say that people judge you first based on your appearance. It's true. I do it - everyone does to some degree. However, I like to think that if someone moves beyond whatever initial stereotype I might have shoved them into, I let go of my preconceived notions. Why must we have these objects that honestly don't really speak to who we are as a person to validate our self-worth? They often talk about how now "the inside matches the outside" - but this is just a nice way to avoid sounding shallow.

Reinforces Gender Roles
Sometimes you'll get a girl on the show that's kind of a tomboy. They fight the idea of owning a dress or a skirt. They cringe at high heels or pointed toed shoes. Well, according to WNTW hosts, this just simply won't do! "You're a GIRL!" they shout as they throw away their baggy jeans and men's dress shirts. They give them makeup tips despite never having worn make up before. I've seen women break down and cry because they never felt pretty or feminine (by society's ridiculous standards). This show doesn't even consider the fact that some people just don't fit into a gender definition quite so easily. There is no room for butch ladies on WNTW and that's just unacceptable. Because come on - you can argue with the hotness of say, Dani Campbell. *drools*

Ignores Class Issues
A lot of the folks on this show are obviously working class people. They shop at Walmart and thrift stores not because they want to, but because they have to. WNTW hosts sweep in with a $5000 gift card and expect these people to be totally ok with spending $250 on a tank top (I'm not exagerating here). The hosts shame them for looking so terrible when really, what we are talking about here is the fact that not everyone can fucking afford those $100 jeans.

Thin is Ideal Body-type
While they do always manage to get women into clothes that fit them, its sad that we must emphasize "the narrowest part of their waist" as the hosts often discuss. They give women tips and tricks to hide the body fat with shirts and skirts that fall away from the body. When these women look at their dress-up selves they feel confident. I wonder though, if later when they are in their rooms in front of the mirror just after a shower, do they look at their naked bodies in the same way?

The Upside of WNTW

Women are Forced to Care for Themselves!
A lot of the women on the show are mothers and quite often they have put their own needs aside for the needs of their family. Having someone come in and whisk them away with a trip to NYC and to go on a shopping spree, to get a great haircut and a makeover - wow, that's really nice. So many of these women say they just don't care about their style or fashion because its not a priority. I like this show because women do often sacrafice their own creative outlets (and I think fashion can be a creative outlet) for the sake of their families. And they come out realizing they deserve to do nice things for themselves.

Buy Quality over Quantity
I don't have a huge problem with consumerism, as long as things have function and are ethically made. This show does place an emphasis on the idea of clothing as an investment financially. You don't need to have 12 ugly tshirts if you can buy 2 well made knit tops for the same price. Not everyone can afford this I know. It takes a lot of budgeting. And then you do have to take care of things - dry cleaning, gentle laundry loads. But they do encourage thoughtfulness in how you spend your money and rather than just buying things willy nilly. You should make sure you invest in something you will get use from. I like that.

Curve Lurve
So while part of me can't stand the whole "girls wear skirts" crap they pull, I have to say I love love love that they want women to be proud of their curves. They do really celebrate a curvy body on this show and encourage women to buy clothing that fits them properly and shows them off. A lot of times women were hiding under big baggy clothes because they were embarrassed about their voluptuous bods, but the leave this show proud to be a sexy woman who is a normal size and shape.

Rite of Passage
While this show has a lot of middle aged moms, they also have a lot of young single women in the middle to late 20s on the show. So many times these women have no idea what clothes adult women wear, so they are stuck in the Juniors department with low-rise jeans and bear midriffs. I like to look at this show as a modern rite of passage that helps young woman transition into adulthood with clothing that is age-appropriate.

So often women don't value themselves enough to put time and thought into self-care. Then again, why don't they feed their brain by reading a book or calm their stresses with a relaxing bath? Perhaps they do. I like feeling pretty just as much as the next person. I like having a fun outfit I'm excited to wear whether its for a fancy party or just hanging out with friends. But I also like to keep myself informed politically and carry on intelligent conversations. Clothing can be a medium of self-expression - a creative outlet and ultimately if the nominees on WNTW come home feeling better about themselves, can I really nitpick that much? Having nice clothing that makes you feel special is just one element of self-care and perhaps an experience like that can start people down a path to treating themselves with kindness and respect - and to a great pear of shoes now and again too.

(photos via here and here)

Contact Laura!

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 13:58:00 +0000

I'm awesome.

You should contact me for:

- Opinions on stuff (like feminism, or recipes)
- Poetry readings
- Secular/skeptical/atheist event in Pittsburgh you want to promote
- Literary/poetic/artistic event in Pittsburgh you want to promote
- You want to do something nice for me

You should NOT contact me for:

- Where to find rare, exotic pets
- Naked pictures (find a pr0n site please)
- For a date (my dance card is full right now)

laurawithoutlabels [at] gmail dot com

make your meaning

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 19:45:00 +0000

A few summers ago when I was really into a lot of new age spirituality, I remember seeing at least three dead birds. I also had two friends who had come across at least one dead bird as well. At the time I thought it was a sign of something in my life, so I began searching for the symbolism of birds. I probably came across a symbolism dictionary website similar to this one which says the following about birds:

"They represent the human desire to escape gravity, to reach the level of the angel. The bird is often the disembodied human soul, free of its physical constrictions."

These are the obvious symbolic connections to birds and the gods of the sky, freedom, lightness, etc. At the time, the fact that I was seeing dead birds really bothered me. It made me feel like I was missing something in my life. All these birds seemed to be telling me something, since they were reappearing in my life and in the lives of close friends.

Reflecting back on that now, I realize it was probably the bird flu or something strange to explain why I was seeing so many dead birds. It could have also just been a coincidence combined with my human brain that loves to make patterns and see meaning in things when there isn't (like people who see faces in grilled cheese sandwiches). Humans love coincidences. We have entire religions and philosophies based on our brains amazing - and frustrating - ability to see or even hear things that aren't there.

This past year has been one of a lot of change for me. One big change was my divorce, which I've posted on before. It was final in May and my ex and I remain good friends. In fact, he came to visit me yesterday and we had a chance to catch up along with a mutual friend of ours. When I told people I was going to be spending time with my ex-husband, the main reaction was "Oh really? I'm sorry." I think I'm going to just call him a friend now because the label "ex-[partner term]" brings with it more baggage than we actually have. I'm not saying it is so simple and easy for us to have a friendship, but its much better than most.

One thing I realized about spending time with him last night was that I personally have changed so much. I used to be a very spiritual person, seeing meaning in every little moment of life. Getting caught up in the "big plan" for me - even though I had abandoned my Christian beliefs, I still believed in some kind of universal life force that was gently guiding all living things. Even dead birds. They all had a story to tell me.

Today a moth flew into my office when I left the door open too long while leaving for my lunch break. He's been on that same spot on the wall for a while. I'm not sure what the moth might be trying to tell me. What story did it hold? I don't think moths live very long. I remember when I raised Monarch butterflies, knowing their lives only lasted weeks after they first spread their wings, a part of me hoped they experienced time differently, that the smaller you are the slower time moves. Perhaps it doesn't even exist for those beings without consciousness.

Even though I've abandoned belief in the supernatural, as a poet and a writer, I still have strong emotional ties to the beautiful myths and metaphors human beings have created. I also have a deep relationship with the natural world. I still see the sunset and get a sense of calm. I am still humbled by the ocean, by the size of our universe and the tiny amount of space and time I take up. Humbled by the depth of my own emotion and experience.

Some people feel that if you don't believe in a god or at least in something beyond the natural, that life would have no meaning. Well from my perspective, you have to make your life mean something. We have to make our own meaning each day. I am conscious of the passage of time, unlike my moth friend, and I'm aware I don't have much time on this "pale blue dot" - but I'm trying to make the most of it.

mother daughter camping trip

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 12:24:00 +0000

I went camping with my mom this weekend and we had such a nice time despite the rather scary thunderstorm on Friday night. Good thing we were so badass and got the tarp and tent up quickly. I (of course) forgot to take my camera but I did manage to take a photo of the site with my phone.

My mom's arm is healing so nicely and I believe she has gained back some confidence that she may have lost this winter. At one point we were setting up the tent and she just picked up the hammer and pounded a stake into the ground. I said "Hey Mom! Look! You're hammering!" and she said "Wow I am! I didn't even think about it!" It was a really nice moment.

Today I'm just biding my time at work because I'm waaaaay too excited for The Amazing Meeting 6 in Las Vegas. I want to do a little dance around my desk! *dances* I don't leave until Wednesday - argh! I've not been on a super big vacation before and it's even more awesome that I can go with my boyfriend (yeah, I've got a boyfriend). It's nice to experience something new with someone you care about. And have hotel sex. Hot. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'll get to meet Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller fame. We are definitely going to see them perform Saturday night, but they will also be attending TAM 6 so perhaps I'll just casually run into him while wearing a lowcut shirt and carrying a big sharpie marker.

I will do a more formal post on being a camper at a later date when I'm not so excited about meeting Elvis. I will leave you with this photo that was at a little mom & pop store down the road from our campground this weekend. Those of you from Pittsburgh will understand why this is funny.

I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 18:59:00 +0000

I had a lot of nicknames growing up, some of them too embarrassing to share publicly, but a number of them had to do with me being rather dramatic. I was easily upset as a child by any kind of criticism, as well as loud noises such as balloons popping or parades (tuba's terrified me). I still to this day cannot watch certain kinds of violence in television or movies; sometimes even cartoon violence is too much. Since I come from a family of teasers, I was often called Mona Groana or Theda Bera, both names pointing out my penchant for the dramatic. I cried an awful lot and felt so overwhelmed by my emotions it was sometimes difficult to just carry on a conversation.

This sensitivity lasted well into my teen years and young adulthood. I noticed it particularly when I began dating. I still to this day fall in love rather easily. I know a lot of guys I dated found it difficult to deal with me, because I would upset easily, take things personally and often over-react. I took things people said about me to heart very easily and I knew I needed a better way manage my overwhelmingly sensitive nature.

A few years ago I came across a website devoted to people who called themselves "highly sensitive" - I began to read about the traits and qualities that were attributed to being a highly sensitive person (HSP). Often HSPs were sensitive to loud noises, easily startled, can sense other peoples emotions and are often moody. Additionally, HSPs are also usually very creative, empathetic, and can be very good with group dynamics. Being highly sensitive is also commonly confused with being shy or introverted. While those traits are often found in HSPs, they aren't always, such as in my case. I am highly sensitive, but definitely extroverted overall. I can be shy in new situations, but I definitely gain energy from large groups of close friends, versus introverts who are drained by those kinds of social situations.

I remember feeling like I finally had an explanation for my being able to cry at seemingly silly television commercials! It was such a relief and this understanding helped me explain myself easily to new people. It also helped me learn to give myself a wide birth when dealing with certain situations, to not be so hard on myself (perhaps I'll one day examine my "perfectionist" label) and that I could choose look at my sensitivity as a positive trait overall, rather than something that held me back. Rather than trying to "toughen up" I could simply know my limits, learn strategies to manage my emotions in certain situations where it wasn't appropriate to be emotional (like work for example) and overall just embrace my natural tendency to be sensitive.

While I'm not so sure about the scientific nature of my self-diagnosis, finding this information certainly gave me pause to look at myself from a different angle. I would say I'm still just as sensitive as I always was, but I'm just better at managing it now. I don't feel burdened by it anymore, but rather, I feel special and in some ways, lucky even, to be able to experience the world this way. I believe it helps me with my writing, particularly my poetry.

There is a song on Jewel's first album called "I'm Sensitive" and I've always liked the lyrics; I think she sums up my feelings rather straightforwardly in her chorus:

"So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way."

In fact, you can listen to the song right here. I'll leave you with that. Enjoy.

Daughter

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 20:56:00 +0000

I've always been close with my mom.

My mother is very maternal. When my brothers and I were growing up, she was a homemaker, who also ran a daycare out of the house. She was incredibly nurturing, almost to a fault. She made breakfast for us before school, all through high school, she was my Girl Scout troop leader, she drove us to after school activities, cried when we learned to drive for ourselves. She baked and cooked dinner each night. She sewed my prom dress. We talked about everything. I told her about all my boyfriends. She knew all my friends. She gave me advice and helped me make big decisions.

But like many mother-daughter relationships, we had our waves of turmoil. Ours included the stereotypical teenage rebellion, except mine was a few years late in my early 20's and I don't think my mom was even aware it was happening. I lived at home during college, so I had some freedom, but I'm sure she and father weren't totally aware of my social engagements. As I started to form my own ideas and individual identity, I had to pull away from my family in general, but especially my mom. It was very difficult; I realized just how much I relied on her to help me make even small life decisions. Part of becoming an adult for me was pulling away from her completely, making my own path, deciding where my values and perspectives differed from hers and which I would adopt as my own.

Recently though, I've been lucky enough to reconnect with my mother as an adult woman.

This past autumn, I came out to my mother, and by extension most of my family, as bisexual. She actually asked me point blank about it - over the phone - while I was at work (can't you just see me squirming in my ergonomically-correct desk chair??). I always told myself, if anyone ever asked me point blank, I would tell them the truth. So I told her. I later was congratulated by a number of people for telling her the truth. For me, I never even considered hiding it. I had my chance now, to let her back into my personal life. I was mature and confident in my life choices and my understanding of my "self" and I just told her, right there, while I tried to continuing typing away at my spreadsheet. Being able to open my life back up to my mother as her adult-daughter, was a really big step for me. Since then, we've had a number of conversations in regards to my lifestyle, values and worldview. She's expressed her unconditional love for me and while she might not agree with them, she accepts my choices and she will always be a safe place to hide.

In February, my mother was leaving work for her lunch break and she tripped and fell, shattering her elbow on her dominant arm. She had to have rather serious, invasive surgery to rebuild the bone, doing a graft from her hip. I knew the severity of the surgery. I planned to go to the hospital the morning of with my grandmother and my father. During the wait, they were both saying how they had trouble sleeping, they we're so worried about her. I slept fine - and I began to feel guilty for not being more worried. I realized that, up until that point, I'd never considered that my mom wouldn't be just fine. She was my mom. A superhero. Also, never having had surgery, I had no idea what to expect once I saw her in recovery. My mom was in so much pain. She was beyond groggy, my dad was giving her ice chips, my grandma was fretting with a flower arrangement, and I was trying to stay out of the way, not really sure what to do. I noticed her lips were dry, which is a side effect of anesthesia. I happened to have a container of Eucerin cream in my handbag, which I proceeded to rub on her on her mouth for her. I remember holding my breath, thinking Someday she might need me like this all the time. Someday I might need to be the mom.

Back home it was difficult for everyone. There she was, my mom, so vulnerable and in need of assistance to do the most basic things. She couldn't even dress herself. She has experienced some complications as well, needing to go back into surgery again to remove some infected tissue, which put back her recovery a bit. She's just begun physical therapy now. She's making progress.

I was having lunch with her a few weeks ago and she got emotional. She said she's so afraid of things now. She's afraid of walking around outside, afraid she might fall again. She said when my father is home, she feels safe, he's her rock, her haven. She told me she feels that way when I'm around too. I then realized a new, special part of being someone's child is also being able to be the parent now and again. I'm proud to call myself her daughter. I am lucky that she lets me be her safe place to hide too.

authentic self

laurawithoutlabels@gmail.com (Laura Without Labels) — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 23:00:00 +0000

I saw this play a long time ago when I was just out of high school. My good friend Haley invited her good friend David and he and I instantly became good friends as well. David is five years younger than me, but after the play someone asked if we were brother and sister and it was just the beginning of an amazing friendship.

The play we saw was really stupid for the most part but one of the characters was called the Pig Woman - town crazy lady who grows plants instead of grass, creates large sculptures in her house, artistic, interesting, creative - someone I'd love to be around, but in the story, she was weird to the other characters. Eventually, the woman coaxes the creativity out of the main character and it turns out his creative outlet is writing and he writes the play we are watching (oh wow, how original -note sarcasm).

However, David and I really bonded some much that night he started calling me his Pig Woman. He said I was going to be his older mentor and we'd have adventures and figure out our creative sides together.

In my life, my Pig Woman is my cousin Sue. I used to babysit for her kids when I was in high school and then she really helped me through some tough times in college. It was nice to have a confidant in the family, plus she was a blast to hang out with and go thrift shopping with. When she lived in northeastern Pennsylvania a few years ago, Cliff and I visited her and I stay for a week. She and I went across the street to the little United Methodist church that was having a rummage sale. However, this was no little rummage sale - the entire basement was filled with clothes and toys and fabric and brick-a-brack and tables and tables of books. It was there that I found an interesting book about finding one's "authentic self" (Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self by Sarah Ban Breathnach). I think she wished she had found it but insisted I keep it. Now before I start sounding too much like Oprah, I will say I haven't read too much of that book, but I did really take the overall theme to heart. Much like the work of an archaeologist, we have to dig to the deeper places to find our authentic self; it can be a long process and often takes a lifetime. I really feel like that idea, that image, sums up the work I've been doing these past few years.

Well I talked with her last night about life and love and the family in general and towards the end of the conversation she said "You sound like you are doing a lot better."

Despite the stress, despite the frustration with gossip amongst my family, despite my sporadic struggle with self-esteem, despite me being unsure where I'll be next year, five years, 25 years from now - I am feeling closer to my authentic self than ever before.

"I am doing a lot better," I said.
"I like it," she responded.
"Me too!" I said.

We both laughed.