Despite the greeting cards that would say otherwise, “happily ever after” is a myth and can easily leave couples feeling:

• inadequate to meet the challenges of married or partnered life
• broken or otherwise to blame for the natural ebbs and flows of connection
• resentful of or dissatisfied with their partner
• eager to give up when things aren’t easy, passionate, smooth, and problem free

Moving in a positive direction

Instead of striving for perfection (which doesn’t exist in real life, no matter what mainstream media or curated social media posts want you to believe), I invite couples to use times of dis-harmony and disagreement to course correct, like a sailor adjusts to new conditions on the water. At such times instead of fearing all is doomed, look for signs of growth or hope.

• Look for what you are doing differently in this argument or moment of disconnection. Is what you’re doing helpful in some way? Is it changing patterns that you’re hoping to leave behind?
• Identify a skill or behavior that you’re getting the chance to develop. If your partner’s avoidance used to leave you feeling panicked, but you’re now able to stay calm for longer, you are experiencing an improvement in mood.
• Notice or name the outdated, unhelpful, or inauthentic ways of reacting that you’re doing less frequently. Perhaps you yelled or name called in past arguments, but now you rarely do. Or maybe your old habit was to feel intense guilt, but you notice that now you can see both you and your partner’s actions with more objectivity and compassion.
• Pay attention to changing stories you tell yourself about the situation. Is “He never compliments me,” shifting to “I wish he would have complimented my looks today?” Or perhaps you used to think “They’re always so critical,” but now find yourself thinking, “They seemed really critical at dinner, I wonder what’s up.” 
• Celebrate changes that are moving in the direction of your ideal. If you used to avoid talking for the entire day after an argument but now you come back together to discuss what happened a few hours later, you’ve made a healthy change.

Is happiness important in our relationships? Undoubtedly.

Is more consistent connection a reasonable goal? I believe so.

Is not being happy or still having times of unhappiness, disconnection, and conflict a sign that your relationship is doomed? Not in my book. Let these times inspire you to make changes or keep working to exchange less helpful habits and patterns for ones that lead to smoother sailing . . . more of the time.

The post The Myth of Happily Ever After first appeared on Shonnie Lavender Counseling & Coaching.

• Calm yourself first. The purpose of this step is to decrease your own fight energy (which it’s totally normal to feel). Big behaviors in our kids often provokes our own feelings of embarrassment, defensiveness, confusion and even fear. Things you might do include taking several deep breaths (slower on the exhale), repeating a mantra (“this isn’t an emergency”), placing your hand on your chest over your heart, or reminding yourself that your child is having a hard time. This first step is critical because it helps you be in the right mental space to actually support your child and it energetically signals safety to your child’s revved up nervous system.
• Remove any pressure you can. This might mean leaving the room (if it’s safe to do so) and letting go of any demands for your child to “snap out of it.” If there are other supportive people present, you might ask for their help whether this means caring for another child, tending to food cooking on the stove, or taking over a phone call you were making when the “meltdown” started.
• Give your supportive presence. Once you feel calmer, and have taken steps to relax the environment, it’s time to focus on your child. Knowing what your child needs may take some experimentation, so see which of these actions work best for your family. Speak some words of empathy or understanding — “it’s so hard right now,” “you really wanted to stay and play,” or “you’re feeling sad.” Provide comfort through a gentle touch, by sitting quietly nearby, or addressing a potential source of the “pain” (getting your child the stuffed animal they threw or giving them a sippy cup of water). Gently and calmly provide safety (if your child is hurting themself or others) but don’t restrain your child if everyone is safe. Whatever you do, the real emphasis here is to create a setting in which your child can safely express their emotions and return to calm once the feelings have passed (which they will).
• Briefly process what happened (and teach new behaviors if needed.) Once your child is back in a regulated state, it’s sometimes useful to verbally recap what happened and show that they’re still loved — “You felt really disappointed when mom said ‘no’ to getting ice cream. That’s so hard. I have crackers and raisins would you like a handful of these now.” Depending on what preceded the “meltdown,” this can also be a time to help expand your options for the next time you and your child are in a similar situation. “It’s really hard when there are so many kids at the park and we have to wait a long time to use the swings. Do you want to stay at the playground and wait when it’s crowded or should we bring toys so we can play together in the park instead?”

The post Tips for handling your child’s “tantrum” first appeared on Shonnie Lavender Counseling & Coaching.

• Physical discomfort — hunger, thirst, aches/pain, tiredness
• Physical growth or changes — developmental spurts, body changes, hormones
• Developmental growth — seen or unseen transformation that is in process
• Relationship challenges — with family and friends
• Parents’/caregivers’ moods and stress — our kiddos feel our emotions and stress levels
• Emotions — emotions, while normal, can feel uncomfortable or unsettling, especially if a child hasn’t yet been shown healthy ways to experience and process their feelings
• Demands/expectations — at home, school, or in care settings children are expected to behave in ways that they don’t always have autonomy around
• Change in routine/life — anything that’s new or still not fully integrated into a child’s sense of “normal”
• Sensory overwhelm — too much/little noise, light, movement, touch can overstress a child’s natural resilience
• Mental worries — children, especially when young, can’t always identify or communicate what’s on their minds
• Being “well-behaved” — working diligently to do what they’re told all day long can lead to a build up of stress

Embodying these new understandings takes time, yet it is possible. In the final post of this series, I’ll share behavior shifts you can make to bring this new understanding to life with your child. You’re also welcome to read the first post in this series for ways to reframe your own thinking about “tantrums.”

The post Why do kids have “tantrums?” first appeared on Shonnie Lavender Counseling & Coaching.

Befriending your inner critic

• First, find compassion and curiosity for this part of you. Instead of assuming you understand the critic’s purpose, turn to the wisest part of you that feels open and interested in starting a dialogue.
• Next, learn how the critic got this job and the purpose of the role. When did she take on the role of chastising and berating you? What’s the positive intention fueling her? (Hint: it will be something protective.)
• Then get curious about the critic’s fears. What is he afraid will happen if he stops doing this job? If he was furloughed, what pitfalls would await you? (Again, look for dire consequences the critic is working hard to prevent.)
• Offer understanding, and perhaps even gratitude, for the protective role your critic has taken on (and has probably done for some time). Let it know you now get why it’s doing this job and reassure it that you’re here to help.
• Finally, once you’ve conveyed your appreciation, and the critic is feeling understood, ask what it would rather do if it’s finding this role exhausting or burdensome. Remind the critic that you’re a competent adult who will look out for yourself and the vulnerable parts of you that the critic has been safeguarding.

The harsh inner voice we have is often feared or despised. When we slow down and get curious, we often learn that it’s a steadfast servant, working hard to shield young and hurting parts of us from further harm. And by befriending this judge, instead of fighting it, we can bring valuable healing to our whole internal family.

The post Don’t battle your inner critic . . . befriend it first appeared on Shonnie Lavender Counseling & Coaching.

In the first post of this series, we’ll look at the old thinking about “tantrums” and more helpful — and accurate — reframes of this common childhood experience. In the remainder of the series I’ll share causes of “tantrums” as well as specific actions you can take when one of your kiddos is “melting down.”

Old Thinking

• Tantrums resulted from permissive parents and undisciplined kids.
• Tantrums need to be stopped – the sooner the better.
• Force (verbal or physical) is the way to get the child to “snap out of it.”
• Tantrums are ways children manipulate adults.
• Tantrums are negative (there’s no positive value in such outbursts).

New Understandings

• “Tantrums” will happen. These bursts of big emotion are part of the lives of almost every child.
• When your energy around a “tantrum” changes, you’re creating a different environment for your child (one that’s safer and more accepting). This shift helps your child move more smoothly and effectively through her/his emotional experience and get back to “normal.”
• A loving presence, understanding, and empathy create space for the child to release their emotions and calm themselves. Too many words from caregivers can actually increase a child’s stress. 
• Big energy releases really have to do with our children and how they feel. Calling them “manipulative” or “willful” only makes the experience more stressful for everyone.
• These big energy releases can actually help a child get back to their best self. They are stress-release valves that bring children back into balance when they’re met with a supportive approach from caregivers.

In the next post we’ll review common reasons our kids “meltdown.”

The post A new take on tantrums first appeared on Shonnie Lavender Counseling & Coaching.

Regardless of the challenges in your relationship, listening is one practical skill that’s likely to help you improve the problem. Whether your partner has been feeling frustrated or unheard, or you keep having a recurring conversation, strengthening your listening skills will help you.

Below are three specific ways you can change how you listen and create deeper understanding and openness in your relationship.

1. Listen with accepting curiosity. This looks like being genuinely interested in what your partner has to say. If they’re taking the time to share something with you, they’re showing how deeply they value YOU knowing about their life. To continue to hold that place of esteemed listener, you must greet their sharing with acceptance and interest. Curiosity is demonstrated with open questions and reflections–”I hear how frustrating you found your boss today. Is there more you’d like me to know?” or “It seems like you felt really surprised by their reaction. How did you respond?”
2. Listen with the heart of one who wants to understand. While asking questions may be too invasive in some conversations, you can still invite further revelation with a simple, “tell me more” to show that you are actually wanting to “get” what they’re telling you. When a partner is reluctant or not yet ready to share, you can honor their timing and keep the door open to future conversations. “I’d really like to know more, so if you want to talk later, I’m here,” may be all you need to say to invite them back to your side. Or maybe even offer an acknowledgment of what you notice as you affirm your readiness: “It sounds like there’s a lot you want to say, yet things feel too jumbled up to do it now. Is it okay for me to check in with you later and see if you’re ready to share?”
3. Ask what they want you to do or provide while listening. Most of us unwittingly offer others our opinions or what we think they need or what we ourselves want in conversation. If your spouse is recounting a difficult event from their work day and you tend to be a “fixer” or “teacher,” a great first step is to simply notice your impulse to offer a suggestion or a solution. Instead of jumping in with your perspective, at a natural pause in the conversation you might ask, “Do you want me to simply hold space to listen, or do you want my input on the situation?” Instead of assuming you know why they’ve specifically decided to share their thoughts with you, get clarification from them.

So remember, if you want to help your relationship, becoming a better listener is a great place to start. Use the tips above to slow down to listen with greater acceptance, curiosity, and care, and better address your partner’s needs when you take the role of listener.

The post Listen . . . your relationship will be better off first appeared on Shonnie Lavender Counseling & Coaching.