Wish Fulfillment Every Day

Sorry for the delay.

2013-01-28T07:01:00.001-05:00

I was making great headway on the new blog, but ended up falling behind. Hopefully I'll get it up and running (very soon), but until then, something....or someone, rather...takes priority.

This little nugget couldn't wait another month to meet us. :)

Introducing Jagger Hudson, born Saturday, 1/19/13 at 5:11am, 6 lbs 7 oz, 19.5" long. He's healthy and happy and so incredibly loved.

As difficult as my pregnancy was, I'd have a million kids if every delivery were guaranteed to be as easy as his. I'll save the birth story for the new blog, but will say that this all started at my dr's office that Friday morning, when Josh and I went to have my cerclage removed. So although it wasn't totally out of the realm of possibilities, it still took us by surprise.

The past 8 days have been rough...he's a very good, easygoing baby, but parenthood is a wild ride that you spend 9 months preparing for, only to be completely unprepared for it either way.

We're learning how to take care of him, in addition to learning all about this new, intense love that people always tell you about but you just don't "get" until you see them. Every search for answers, inner peace, belonging and needing to know who I am and what I'm doing here ended in one answer, finally: to be his mother.

He's everything I never even knew I needed.

Life Right Now.

2013-01-06T23:04:00.000-05:00

Well, as it turns out, Blogger has some crazy limit on how many private readers you can have, and I went well over it - so I basically just shut down this blog and started a new one. Actually, I just reserved a new one and have someone designing a header for it, so I haven't posted there yet. Once I do, I'll email those that left email addresses, and I'll post in Instagram, but I won't be posting it on Twitter, making it Google searchable, making it Blogger searchable, or including this blog's name in it at all. I just wanted to post that update here, before I make the change. Once the new blog is up and running, I'll shut this one down. So many commas. So many.

I'm not sure when the new blog will be up and running, she's actually waiting on some info from me but I've been too busy to get back to her until tonight - so, hopefully soon.

My regular doctor appointment threw us for a loop on Friday, and life has been crazy hectic ever since. I have an ultrasound every visit to check for cervical length due to the cerclage. I should have known something was up when the tech (who has seen my vagina weekly for so long, we might as well be dating) kept distracting me from the ultrasound tv. I realized (after the fact that) she kept asking me questions and redirecting my attention so that I didn't really even remember seeing the ultrasound itself, which was weird. I even said, "how'd it look?" (meaning my cervix) and she said, "fine, fine." Mmmhmm, Whitney. Okay girl.

The doctor comes in and says, "34 WEEKS!!!! I am SO happy you've made it 34 weeks!" and I'm like, yeah me too man, except I'm all grumpy and want to punch people and stuff (a cashier had JUST asked me if I was having twins. Punch.) And she said, "bah, you've been like that since 8 weeks!" The woman does know me, it turns out. Hm. Then she says, "now, I don't want you to panic, okay? But..." and then I started to panic. Like, it got hot in there. Super, mega, hot flash, is this effing building on fire? hot. I was throwing my hair up into a ponytail, sweating, before she even got the "but" out. If anyone knows how to panic, it's me. And if anyone knows that the exact point at which you should start panicking is when someone starts a conversation by telling you not to panic, it's me. I've had bad news a time a two and damn it all if it doesn't usually always start with, "now, don't panic, BUT...."

So anyway, she tells me that the baby has a nuchal cord, which means the umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck. This isn't normal but it's not uncommon, if that makes sense. If anything like that can make sense. It's not really seen as a major big deal unless, like me apparently, you have all of these other things going on and your doctor continues with an "and....and.....and.....so,....." So basically, he has a nuchal cord, low amniotic fluid, and my cervix, although holding like a champ (fancy french sounding stitches FTW?), has shortened further, and now the fluid is funneling all the way to the stitch. She sent me to the hospital for a non-stress test, which he passed with flying colors. But she said that all of these things combined worry her enough that she may induce early...like, as early as this coming week. I'm due to have my cerclage out at 36 weeks (I am 34 weeks as of yesterday), and there was a chance he could come when that happened (and especially now that I've shortened further), but man....that threw us.

Our initial panic, where we stared at each other with giant eyes and whimpered on occasion as a means of communication, turned into action this weekend. I jumped out of bed before daylight this morning, kicking both Josh and the dog out of it, yelping, "let's do these thiiiiiiiiings!!!" And do those things, we did. Actually, all weekend long - this is the first time I've stopped but almost all of the things are done! We've been cleaning, washing bottles, doing baby laundry, getting his nursery finished (everything but ONE DANG HORRIBLE PROJECT WHY DID I EVEN TRY) is complete and that one will hopefully be complete by Wednesday, organizing things in the house, getting our bedroom set up for him, packing my hospital bag, the baby's hospital bag, buying the last of the baby things, arranging for help with Zeppelin, running errands, grocery shopping, calling insurance, calling student loan providers (ugh, ugh, ugh....horrible time for them to come due...horrible)....all the things. When I am not doing things, I am trying to drink a ton (of water, fools) and get my fluid back up, while counting fetal movements hourly. There's an app for that.

So yeah, we could have just ran ourselves ragged (and tomorrow will be crazy busy as well, then, I think.....we can rest) only to have him finally show up on my 41st week. But I feel crazy relieved to have these things done, just in case...which I feel should be capitalized in a serious manner...Just In Case.

I've had lots of awesome emails and texts from y'all and when I checked into Twitter, I was overwhelmed by the support and love - thank you!!!! We're doing well, just tired. We will continue to take your good thoughts, prayers, and love though - greedily so! Thank you!! <3 br="br">

Going private.

2012-12-20T20:06:00.004-05:00

Due to Very Ridiculous Things, i.e., stalkerish people that read this little piece of the internet (which doesn't bother me - stalk away, I can tell who reads it and it gives me much amusement. :) ) and then try to dictate what I may or may not write on it, as well to protect my child's privacy, this blog will be going private. If you want to continue reading, please leave a comment with your email address, or if you have my email, or follow me on Twitter, send it to me that way or heck - text it to me, however you feel most comfortable. I'll keep this up and open for about a week in hopes that you see it!

Thank you for understanding and if you want to continue to do so, thank you for reading!

He Who Has Been Named

2012-12-19T12:58:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much for all of the emails, texts, etc regarding my last post. I assure you, all is fine. I just needed to verbally vomit all of that out because, well...you know I couldn't keep a thought or feeling inside if you paid me hella dollars. It was awesome to hear that so many could relate or understood the "mommy noise" and the anxiety it can cause and also to hear that marriage is....you know, marriage...and it takes work. Especially when things change so quickly. Josh reads all of my posts and didn't mind that I posted it - it was the truth, our reality and we aren't afraid to talk about it.

If I haven't responded to you, I will soon - promise. I'm still fighting a cold that Josh gave me two weeks ago and am spending my last weeks (HOLY CRAP) of being pregnant enjoying many naps and much laziness and a scary amount of Gilmore Girls, Dexter and Homeland watching. I hear you can't do any of these after you squeeze the babe out, so I'm damn well taking advantage. Something good about bed rest, eh? :)

Oh and we took Zeppelin to meet Santa. She ate his beard (which was real) and then licked his glasses until he couldn't see out of them. She's definitely our dog.

I mentioned on IG (what's up with that crap? You guys staying/going/found an alternative? I don't believe that they're "listening and hear us," I think they'll just change the verbiage to make it even more confusing. Facebook ruins everything) that I was working on the Belly Book and Jessica said she hadn't really been filling hers out, which reminded me that I haven't really been blogging about the baby (and she has done a great job of doing that with her pregnancy), so I thought I'd post an update. It's long, sorry.

A few shots of the belly book:

(Josh got glasses. I get fatter, he gets cuter. Life is unfair. But at least I get to stare at the cute)

Yeah, we're those weirdos that think of our dog as our kids sibling. What of it?

We've been busy buying the last things we'll need for our headbanger, or at least, what we think we'll need, and getting his nursery ready. Oh, and going to child birth classes, which basically consists of watching videos of women contort painfully and sex breath while bouncing on those giant exercise balls and then watching them squeeze their kids out SANS PAIN MEDICINE. And I'm like, wtf, have these people never heard of the magic that is the epidural? Kudos to you ladies that do it, I'm in awe. But I'm not planning on being one of you. Every time she pops in a video, I pull out my phone, get on Twitter, send out SOS's and try not to heave. Child birth is amazing, y'all. But I have no desire to freaking watch it. My head is far, far away from my vagina for a reason. Josh watches it then tries to tell me about it, because he's mean. He's also not allowed to go past my elbow in the delivery room.

If I have to have a c-section, god help us all. I vowed to never ever, ever have abdominal surgery again and I'll be mighty whiny if I have to recover from that. I think I'd rather have a root canal every day than recover from abdominal surgery. But, you know. You can't control these things.

Here I am at 29 weeks (I'm 31 right now), as we prepared to leave for class. I have to do some deep exhaling before we head off because, man. Those classes are terrifying. Breathe, Layla. Breathe.

That belly, that dog. Those kids.

That baby at 28 weeks. Josh thinks he has my nose, I think he has Josh's lips, and we're torn on the chin. He appears to be pretty equal parts of each of us, and yet is still 100% cute.

Oh, by the way - we named him. His birth certificate won't say Headbanger! It will say.........

Okay, it won't say thank you...this is a photo of the thank you cards we had made. Yep, Jagger. As in Mick. That's my doing (duh). And Hudson is Josh's doing, because he has serious stalkerish man love for Tim Hudson. Now poor Josh is the only one in the family without a music inspired name - unless you count Josh Groban. Which we don't (sorry, Groban). I'm already planning my next tattoo based on his name - I already have a J. on my wrist which was for Josh, but it could suffice for Jagger too. However, I'd rather have something that only really means something to me - so once I'm all recovered and back to normal, I'm getting "wild horses couldn't drag me away" on my right side (ribs), in tribute to Jagger, based on the song Wild Horses by the Rolling Stones. Josh is still deciding on his tattoo. These things are important, you know.

We didn't get to have any showers because of my travel restrictions while on bed rest, which was okay in that I didn't have to play any ridiculous shower games but sad in that I didn't get to see any of my friends. BUT I totally forgot that my friends are basically the best kind of friends and we ended up with our own virtual shower that lasts for months! We've been overwhelmed by the baby gifts and love and are so thankful for you guys - THANK YOU!! It amazes me that so many people could love our little dude before he's even born. I cry about it a lot, which I'm just going to go ahead and blame on hormones, okay? But really, it's because I'm so in love with you guys and how amazing you are. I don't know how I managed to make y'all like me but damn it, it's mutual. We love you.

I don't have his room totally ready yet, but I have taken some pics of decorations and a few of the gifts, etc.

This was an awesome bed rest/baby gift and my first cross stitch. I screwed up a lot but just changed the pattern once I did. I had too much fun doing this and think I'm hooked. The kit came from Subversive Cross Stitch, (if you're interested) and Trisha knew this would be something I'd dig. She was right! I'm currently working on a second one she sent, as well as another one from someone else. ADDICTED.

Led Zeppelin lullabies because LED ZEPPELIN. Ashley also sent a Zeppelin onesie with this that I am keeping forever and ever.

In so much love with this book from Estelle and James!

So many freaking cute things in here - Auburn stuff, Vols stuff (including a burp cloth that mocks Alabama, oh how I love it), dino slippers, etc. He's going to be confused come football season but he'll be styling.

This laundry bag is full of clothes that you guys gifted - thank you!!! Also on the top is a sleep sack and a Moby (thank you!!!) and yes, I have a lot of laundry to do. Zeppelin likes to dig the tiny socks out and try to eat them. Not pictured are all of the blankets, the boppy, the towels, wash cloths, bottles, diapers, wipes, baby leg warmers, baby book, tub, pacis, etc etc etc. So much stuff! We're so thankful.

We freaking love this, Laura. LOVE!!!

Here's a little preview of the top of his dresser/changing table. It's actually changed a bit since this, but the photos and scrabble tiles/changing pad are still on it.

Hopefully we'll finish the nursery this week/weekend and I can post pics of it. Again - thank you! Thank you for the gifts, the love, the emails, the texts, the Trader Joe's haul (LINDSAY!!!) and for being you. I love you!

How it feels.

2012-12-13T13:02:00.000-05:00

I lost my job, had pain, had surgeries, miscarriage, lost friends, transition. He left - not physically, but emotionally and mentally. Vacated the marriage, left me to deal. Staring at me like I was an alien or a stranger, no emotion, while I writhed in pain or cried or vented or screamed. Pleas to come back, to help, to be there and relieve my isolation turned into screams of rage, frustration turned into hatred and insults became the norm. How could he, too? How could he leave? He might as well have gone physically, as well. I didn't even care. But he was into ignoring it all - even the problems caused by the problems - ignore it until it goes away. His way to deal. It was easier that way for me, too.

We moved, we were leaving it behind. New job, new state, new town, new friends, transition. So excited, ready to leave everything bad in our old home, create a new one.We weren't fans - the town less than we expected, the people not what we wanted, the distance from home feeling greater than the four hours it is. The new jobs requiring more adjustment - his complete with immediate friends. Mine with more isolation, doubt. We made plans, make the best of it. Live on one salary for a year, save up, pay off debt, make a new life somewhere else later, soon. We started to feel married again - no longer roommates sitting silently on separate couches and suffering through car rides. We started to connect, to try, to bond. Hence, the sex.

When I told him I was pregnant, it was like watching two magnets pull apart. The immediate withdrawal, the stare like I was an alien, a stranger, telling him my problems. The life we planned, we agreed on, the bonding we had started, the healing we had done, completely halted. Strangers again, isolated again, Layla fucking up everything again with medical issues and the debt they caused - the strain on our lives. Birthdays and anniversaries not celebrated, vacations not taken, everything starting all over again, just as it was getting better.

He was scared, he said later. He just didn't want a repeat of the miscarriage and knew it was going to happen. It didn't. Another surgery, a medically necessary move, more debt incurred, more money borrowed, more interest to pay, transition. Hormones gone haywire, isolation making everything harder, no showers, no friends, no congratulations from my sister or best friend on Facebook or over the phone, husband keeping his distance. Depressed, not realizing that my thyroid had gone crazy, adding to the pregnancy hormones, making me gain weight, making me sad, making me wonder what we were doing, what we had done. Why it was even happening.

We struggled through, me hating him more every time I tried to plan for the baby and he looked and acted completely disinterested, not his problem. When I tried to explain how alone I felt, how I needed to move back home, how I needed his help after another surgery, bed rest, having to leave work. The vacant stares making me wish he'd disappear, never happened, never spoken to me, never fucking touched me. More debt, less income, more change, transition. Belly growing, it's becoming very real - we can't deny this now, pretend it's not happening. Be my friend, be my husband, be my support - BE SOMETHING.

Layla is doing it all wrong.

A mother in law that never made me feel like family, angry that I wasn't reading her mind and handling the pregnancy how she wanted, wasn't sharing it the way she needed it shared. Friends that couldn't have kids angry that I wasn't handling the gift of life the way they wanted, the way they would have, had they only had to wear the pregnancy shoes of mine, and not the fractured marriage shoes, the cancer shoes, the surgery shoes, the isolation shoes, the debt shoes, the cerclage, the pain, the lack of family, the lack of confidence shoes. Appreciate this the way I want you to, or I won't be your friend. Share this pregnancy with me in a way that pleases me or I will threaten to be a bitch. Be the pregnant person I want you to be. How are you? I don't care. Just do this the way I want/need you to.

How did you do it? With your medical problems? You got pregnant unintentionally, you bitch. Must be nice.

We started counseling, we started talking. His issues with withdrawal finally discussed, my hatred dissipating. We aren't bonded yet, we are trying. Feeling less like roommates, not like a married couple that knows how to handle this, but like partners that realize we are in the same situation and have to work together. It's changing. We're working together. I love him, I need him. Transition.

Buying as much as we can for the baby ourselves, car seats, diapers - what does he need? Does he need this? Wrecking our bank accounts further. Stress. Friends from afar (why aren't you close by?) sending generous gifts and making us feel loved - making us feel like we have a family. Salary lessens again, more time out of work, less paid to you - fair and even. Thyroid is under control but weight gain is doubling drastically, it's getting scary - something is wrong. Diagnosed with gestational diabetes, worried about the baby. Confused by a society that is more accepting of obesity in pregnancy than of a healthy pregnancy weight - despite the health implications to both mother and baby of being obese. "You're pregnant." Get fat, accept this. I don't have to deal with it - I have clothes to wear, a winter coat, shoes that fit, so I have no clue why this bothers you so...you're pregnant, duh. Stop being so vain. I'll congratulate you when you lose it, when you fit into pre-pregnancy jeans, because THAT'S OKAY. Deal with this how I want you to. Confused by people that think you give yourself gestational diabetes - the internet at their fingertips, not bothering to google it. Assuming you just did something wrong, scolding you. Crying when after the third needle you still can't get any blood to come out, the reading an error. Wasting more money with every error.

Not even a mom yet, and feeling like a failure. I shouldn't have done this, I'm not equipped. No mom to call, to ask if this is normal, should I be worried? What was my birth like? Labor is out of my control, how will it happen? I can't control this. I can't even clean my house. Excited for him, but ready already. Ready to move on to the next thing, to learn and get over the anxiety that keeps building. To move on to all of the other things I don't know and will learn, as I go, like nearly everyone before us - before the internet told us how to raise our children.

So much noise. I ask for help when I need it, advice when I don't know. The "just waits" and "do it now's" and "you'll never again's" and constant judging, judging, judging - not just of me, of mothers in general, making my anxiety skyrocket. A cacophony of noises, voices, opinions, thoughts and feelings - and none of mine are justified. I am allowed to feel the way others want of pregnancy, I am allowed to worry when they say worry. I am allowed to be unhappy...when? Never. Pain is irrelevant, fear is silly. I am allowed to experience this the way they did/want to/will. And when he's here, I am a bad mother for working, for staying at home, for not breast feeding, for not cloth diapering, for breast feeding, for cloth diapering.

So much noise and so many opinions and so many feelings that I can't hear my own. Trying to learn to live my unintentional life intentionally. Determined to make it happen - to give myself to my child, to enjoy his childhood in a way that I couldn't enjoy my pregnancy. I need less noise. I need to hear myself. Transition.

I got 99 problems (but the baby ain't one)

2012-11-05T10:59:00.000-05:00

I don't really care about making my blog popular. It's why I don't advertise, take sponsors, do giveaways, link-ups, awards, etc. I mean, if something came along that I just really loved that much or really felt I could get behind or wanted to share, I might have a giveaway. But in general, I don't mind that my blog doesn't have a ton of readers. It's always been my space - my online diary, of sorts - and I feel like, for ME, if I actively sought out readers on a grand scale I'd feel self conscious about what I post.

Sometimes, even though it's mainly friends that read it, I feel self conscious about what I post anyway. And sometimes, because of that, I post about things that are bothering me, but that I have control over (or, at least I think I do), so that I don't talk about things I don't have control over (or, at least I don't think I do). Like the weight post.

And since I don't really care how many readers/pageviews I have in a day (since I gain nothing from it anyway, since I'm sans sponsors/advertisers), I never check my stats. Unless someone leaves a nasty, anonymous comment - then I check. Those IP addresses tell you SO much, especially if they're tied to an employer - FYI. And this time when I checked, I was shocked by some of the people reading. I don't really care who reads - whatever. Just found it odd. The reason it went private is that my employer's IP showed up. Having accessed my blog at work, I know that it shows up as our company headquarters, which is not where I am located. So, I have no idea if this was someone in my actual office or just a coincidence. My company is huge, it could happen. Either way, I panicked and went private, because I am not close to anyone I work with, and don't really want to share intimate details of my life with them (yes, even through a public blog).

So I spent some time grappling over how to handle this. Private forever? Allow certain readers? Stay public but delete all pictures/names?

Then I decided, screw it. If it is someone I work with, they've already read it. I don't discuss work here, and my company knows my medical history anyway (it's a requirement upon being offered a job there). So, yeah. I talk about my lady parts way more often than a normal person should and I am honest about life here. I want to be able to talk about my baby, my pregnancy, my life, my thoughts and if someone from work wants to creep....oh well, read if you like (if that's even the case). I have nothing to hide.

MOVING ON.

Headbanger is.....banging his head. LITERALLY.

He's fine, growing super fast (my OB said he's large for his gestational age, which gives me some relief should he make an early appearance) and is apparently a martial arts master, if my beaten and battered abdomen is any indication.

She did say I have gained too much weight, and she predicts I'll end up in the 180's by the time he's born, and even though I'm not allowed to exercise, I am now supposed to start watching what I eat. I'd feel vindicated by this, after the judgment I received, but I'm just too tired.

The baby is fine, but life is being really challenging right now. Like, on a scale of 1-10, 1 being "life is so cool, I'm gonna pick some damn flowers, tralalalala!" and 10 being, "my whole life IS a dark room (name that movie)," it's a 10.

My cervix has shortened and although I was supposed to return to work on 11/15, thereby increasing our income once again, I'm now on short term disability until after he's born. Which will actually decrease our income soon, when I go down to only 60% of my pay.

We have no idea how people afford baby stuff, and now that my income is decreasing again, we're about to prove that babies can survive without boppies and bouncers and play yards and all manner of things because we have no other choice. We're also having to throw things we'd planned on out the window, like cloth diapering, due to finances. No choice.

We're having landlord issues, since apparently two bedrooms in our house (out of three) do not properly heat. A fact which apparently, our landlord knew, stating it's been the case since he bought the house, but that he never shared with us even though he knew we had a baby coming in the dead of winter. He's having someone check it, but I suspect it's an insulation/shoddy builder issue, and that can't be fixed. All he could do is let us out of our lease, and....really? Moving again in less than a year, with a baby coming, and now with a dog, and I can't help? The thought stresses/tires me to no end. He told us to use a space heater. I told him to die of syphilis.

Sequestration budget cuts are still looming, which makes me fear for my job.

I've always had family problems, this is nothing new to me. But now we're having family problems on his side. It's gotten very ugly, very fast, and we're both baffled by it.

We're having serious marital problems, which terrifies us both.

Our sweet puppy had her spay surgery last Thursday and has been pitiful ever since. She has two seromas that are thankfully appearing to go down but damn it - I've cried a lot just imagining her being in pain or scared. I realize I have ridiculous dog attachment issues. She's my only friend here. I love her so freaking much, sorry I'm not sorry.

We still hate Alabama.

All of that to say, if you have any good crap in the form of positivity, prayers, juju, what have you, to throw our way, we'd greatly appreciate it. I spend most of my day feeling I'm suffocating on air, and spend every night laying awake in bed, focusing on not suffocating on air. I just want my sister and my best friend, but he fled when he found a girlfriend, and I haven't talked to her since before we moved here.

On a positive note, my insurance rocks. Sincerely. And I know that not many can say that (and I was one of them for the past two years, remember?). I am very, VERY thankful for that, and a healthy baby.

Weight bias.

2012-10-23T14:00:00.001-04:00

I started my pregnancy at 130 lbs. By my first doctor appointment at six weeks, I weighed 135 lbs. I continued to gain weight rapidly through my first trimester, but I honestly thought most of it was bloat since I was barely eating (due to all day morning sickness), and assumed it would even out by the second trimester. Didn't happen.

From the beginning, I've had issues with the weight gain. NOT BECAUSE IT'S WEIGHT GAIN. I am fully aware of the fact that pregnant women are supposed to gain weight. But because it's excessive weight gain, quickly. I was told all through my first trimester, "don't worry, it will even out in the second." Now that that hasn't happened, I'm being told, "don't worry, it will even out in the third trimester."

Full disclosure, both so this is understood by anyone reading and so I don't sound like some skinny person that is lamenting normal pregnancy weight, as I believe I've been assumed to be (on Twitter, at least).

I now weigh 165 lbs. I'm only 23 weeks pregnant. "Bedrest!" you say. I've only been on bedrest since halfway through my 19th week. Let's face it....that's a lot of weight. 35 lbs in 23 weeks, to be exact. The standard for pregnancy weight gain for a woman at her "normal" weight (neither over or under weight at conception) is 25-35 lbs.

That is hard to deal with, on many levels. Why? Well....have you ever gained a considerable amount of weight? (And yes, I consider 35 lbs to be considerable, especially since it's allegedly supposed to take 40 weeks to gain it and I've magically done that in half that time.) Did you feel great about yourself? Did getting dressed become an exhausting, tear-filled event? Did you feel uncomfortable, unsatisfied? Okay. Well, I feel all of those things. And yeah, I've eaten things I wouldn't have normally eaten pre-pregnancy. Am I to blame for this? You bet your ass I am. Do I complain more because I'm angry at myself for it? YES. Okay? Yes. I hate myself for it.

And I worry. Because although I am told "pregnant women gain weight!," constantly, I've never heard an actual doctor say that it's okay to just pile it on as quickly as possible. As a matter of fact, gaining excessive weight during pregnancy can complicate matters, such as putting you at higher risk of pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, and can also affect vaginal birth. In addition, extra weight in pregnancy can make a pregnancy very uncomfortable. I'm in a ton of pain as it is, due to my cervical issues. My doctor explained the pain I feel as if I were wearing a belt as tight as I could and trying to pull my pants down without loosening it. That's basically the gist of my cerclage pain, while my body shifts. So why would I not be concerned about making that worse?

Speaking of my doctor, someone asked me, "If your doctor isn't concerned, why are you?" (and then, I guess based on my answer, decided they just couldn't be bothered to know me any longer). WELL. Every doctor is different. Mine rolls her eyes at all of the food worries most people have during pregnancy..frozen yogurt is fine in her opinion, as is lunch meat, as is some sushi, some wine. Every doctor is different, and will focus their attention on different things. It frustrates me to no end that my doctor isn't concerned about my weight, but she is so attentive and on top of my cervical issues, I deal with it.

But why does that mean I shouldn't be concerned with it? MY weight. MY pregnancy. MY body.

I don't want to keep gaining at this rate. That's an average of 1.52 lbs per week. Have you ever tried to lose 1-2 lbs per week (the standard in most any weight loss plan)? Then you know how hard that is. "Enjoy it!!" people say, regarding the weight gain. Have you every enjoyed trying to lose weight? That's not an enjoyable thing, my friends. It's a struggle, it's hard, it's HARD, and it's what comes after "enjoying!" gaining weight. And let's consider that if I'm averaging a weekly gain of 1.52 lbs a week, and that doesn't change, with the time I have left in my pregnancy, I'm looking at a possible 30 additional lbs added.....to a total of 195 lbs.

Will you allow me to worry then? Will you allow me to be concerned about my body then? Will I have finally met the invisible standard where it's acceptable for me to complain?

Because I've never had to lose that amount of weight before, but judging by the struggles I've seen others go through to lose it, it's not easy. It's hard. IT'S HARD. Add to that being in your mid-30's and having the natural metabolic slowing that comes with it and having a metabolic disease (thyroid), to boot. Does it make me sound completely vain to not want to have to struggle through that?

Oh well, if it does.

I realize that many people think that since I started out thin, I should shut up. And that since I'm pregnant, I should shut up. And since I weigh less than them, I should shut up.

And to that I say this:

I have often been described as brutally honest. An assessment I personally do not agree with, because honesty is honesty and I'm a big fan of it, but throwing the word "brutal" in front of it implies it's malicious....like I'm stabbing you in the face while telling you things honestly, or something.

But in that vein, I will say this. I can't think of many women that I know, in person or online, that haven't complained about their weight, aren't blogging about their weight loss struggle, aren't keeping track of calories on MFP, that don't celebrate victories by posting it on Twitter when fitting into a smaller size, that don't lament their body in some way, shape, or form, or write or talk about their attempts to eat healthy for, ya know...health.

Seems it's a pretty common theme.

And yet many of these same people tell me I don't need to worry about it, for some reason. Let's try something new here: if you haven't completely come to terms with your own weight, accepted it, love it, don't try to lose it, don't lament it, and don't feel awkward in it, DON'T TELL SOMEONE ELSE THAT THEY SHOULD FEEL DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU DO.

You can't overcome those feelings, so don't expect someone else to do so, just because you said so. That makes you a hypocrite.

Let's try something else new: support. One person said something I needed to hear yesterday, something supportive. She said that she went through this too, including the bedrest, and she remembers at the time thinking it would never change, and being frightened of what lay ahead. But it did change, she did get through it, and she remembered what it felt like to worry about it. So she was just letting me know I wasn't alone and that it would, in fact, get better. She didn't say don't worry about it, or get over it, or make me feel stupid for having valid concerns about my own body. She offered support. And I'm thankful. I needed it. It helped.

And yes, my god. I am GRATEFUL to be pregnant. I do not take it for granted, it was not an easy road and it isn't magically turning into one anytime soon.

But your mind is not always 100% on the person growing inside you. Sometimes you blow out the seam in the side of yet another pair of underwear or the last pair of pajama bottoms that fit you rip in the back when you try to put them on, or you've outgrown your maternity clothes halfway through your pregnancy and you wonder how the hell you're going to afford more clothes to get you through to the end of it. And sometimes you cry, because every seam you bust makes you feel a little more like shit, and you go buy new clothes with money you don't have and realize everything is tight and you come home, cry some more, and complain on Twitter. Then you receive judgment. And some nice replies meant to make you feel better, but which are basically just telling you to shut up. And you get mass unfollowings from people that you've SEEN tweet/blog/talk about their weight before.

And you think, okay. Whatever.

Sometimes, all you need to do is listen, and think about how you'd like people to respond to you when you're discussing your weight. Because I'm damn sure you have. I've seen it.

Comments have been deactivated.

I'd sit around and listen to your story if I wasn't in such a hurry, hurry, hurry.

2012-10-10T10:40:00.001-04:00

Man, I've been bad at this (this being blogging). I don't have much to say, because, well....nothing is really going on in my life right now. No travel, no work, not so much as a haircut is happening these days (I really wish that at least two out of the three were happening...I'll let you guess which ones).

I did start a BIG BAD OH NO post about my body image issues, but then decided that although I can admit to them, I'm not quite ready to explain them to the world at large. So in drafts they sit, along with a million other half written posts that will never see the light of day. I should really delete those.

I think I'm just going to vomit some confessions/random facts/goings-on on this page (also more eloquently known as a brain dump by those that actually possess eloquence, i.e., not me).

Proof of lack of eloquence at my 20 week (halfway!) mark

I've been filling out The Belly Book for my party animal fetus, and I honestly recommend this to all the expecting ladiezzz. Which is weird, because I don't recommend much. Well, The Belly Book and Snoogle. The rest is up to you. I fill out each week with what happened regarding doctor visits, how I feel, his new milestones, or with ridiculous quotes and sayings from pop culture references that will send him running to Google one day (or whatever exists in its place by then) to figure out what I was saying and LOLing with his friends over how lame his mother was/is.

I've taken to calling him "headbanger" and referring to the roundness that is my belly as "Headbanger's Ball" because he likes, he likes to party. Yet another reference that will send him a'Googling one day.

I'm thisclose to cutting my own hair. This is sure to end in disaster, but so is going somewhere locally to get it cut. There is basically no good option here, I just need someone to talk me off the self hair cutting ledge and tell me to put down the scissors. I can live with scraggly hair, but not hideously chopped hair, right? RIGHT? Say right.

I'm on week 3 of bed rest and.....yikes, boring. This is alleged to last only for 8 weeks total, but my boss said, "we'll see you after you get back from maternity leave." Seems everyone believes that it will last the duration of my knocked up-ness, except my doctor. Or maybe she does too, but is just giving me hope? Totally cool of her, if so.

I love my dog. She sleeps with her tongue out, she yodels to her food (love songs, I think maybe Cinderella's "don't know what you got (til it's gone)"), she is the best company any lonely home bound lady could hope for. She has yet another UTI and it worries me. I don't want my babydog to be sick or in pain. :( She smells like a stale bag of Frito's and barks at her own butt when she farts, and she's my best friend. I feel a huge amount of guilt because I can't walk her, run around with her, take her to the dog park or even walk her around PetSmart to socialize her. She sits at home with me all day. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

I also feel stupid amounts of guilt because Josh works all day and then comes home and I'm like, entertain the dog! Clean up! Mow the lawn! Take out the trash! Paint the walls! We have no money! I don't like being dependent on others, even my own husband. I don't like telling/asking people to do things that I should be able to do myself (yet cannot, right now). Not my style. Guilt, guilt, guilt. (Can't wait for someone to tell me to JUST WAIT for the mom guilt to hit. Let me head you off right there with a rude but well meaning middle finger.)

January is my five year remission date, holy crap!! I'd like an an "all-clear" so I can celebrate/breathe, but my doctor says it's pointless to test between now and giving birth in February, since hormones can cause changes in the cervix and they wouldn't be able to treat any abnormalities until after he's born, anyway. I try not to panic about not being tested on a daily basis. Especially since the maternal-fetal specialist found bleeding polyps in my cervix yesterday (common in pregnancy, but adenocarcinoma can be inside polyps). That freaks me out, but I know the chance is low. Unrelated, but they also found a new, large fibroid in my uterus. I like to think of it as an Everlast speed bag, and that when the baby is doing flips and stuff, he's really just boxing. Float like a butterfly, kid.

After our doctor visit yesterday

This is pretty embarrassing to admit, especially because it's a pretty new emotion/experience for me and seems pretty vain/shallow, but I've been dealing with hella jealousy lately. I'm jealous of anyone that is having baby showers, of people that can work throughout their pregnancy and afford to buy things for their baby (or that don't have to work in order to afford it), that have family they can call/rely on/or just talk to, that have maternity photo shoots, newborn photo shoots. That have friends to go out with, or stop by to help them out or just to talk. That live where they want to live, near their friends/family. That are spending their pregnancies decorating nurseries, that are taking babymoons and able to travel home, or on vacation, or even for a weekend. I have to keep reminding myself that jealousy is pretty much the ugliest thing of all...I've seen some pretty shining examples lately, and I don't want to be like that. I also have to remind myself that jealousy only focuses on the good things you see, and never the hard. And there is always a hard side, to everything, for everyone. And I have to remind myself that I'm extraordinarily lucky to have great ITC friends that have sent me magazines and other things to pass my days, as well as clothing and items for the baby (THANK YOU!), and that my mother-in-law is helping so much with purchasing things for the baby, as she can. And that babies don't necessarily need those things and that the only person that will know they're missing is me. And yet, I struggle with it, daily.

I turned 35, and it was pretty awesome. I worried more about birthdays in my 20's (turning 25 was mid-life crisis point...I have no idea why. Something about the end of childhood/young adulthood and being a legitimate adult), and although I dislike the thought that each year goes by faster and faster, I'm feeling pretty awesome at 35, and thankful to see it. Josh's coworkers were awesome and suggested we all get dinner together on my birthday, so we did. They rock.

At dinner on my birthday

I still want to move home daily (okay, every minute of every hour, every day), or back to Nashville or even Chattanooga since it's close to home but also a city I love (basically, I just don't want to live HERE), but I'm thankful for my doctor here. I think if this pregnancy is successful all the way through, she will be the reason. Rock on, Dr. A.

I think I feel better after letting all of that out?

Do you have anything you wish to confess?

Our first child, Zeppelin.

2012-09-13T12:10:00.001-04:00

We adopted our first child a few weeks ago, a little black dog with bright blue eyes. She's a labrador/husky mix, which is sometimes called a Siberian Retriever. Cute, yeah? She rocks. :)

Here's how we got her: The day I had surgery, we got home and flopped on the sofas. I got online because...duh...and saw the CUTEST photo of a dog on Facebook. Her name was Sky and she was available immediately for adoption. I showed Josh and said "want."

I mean.....seriously. Look at this.

Photo courtesy of Friends of Huntsville Animal Services

Being pregnant and having surgery has its advantages I suppose, because he told me to go ahead and send them an email. The foster mom wrote back immediately and gave us her phone number, so Josh called and found out that she had received a lot of emails, but no appointments as of yet to see her....and she was basically going to the first person that showed up and wanted her. We realized that he needed to go right then to meet her, which worked out, since he was off work due to my surgery. I laid around while he met the dog, receiving texted photos of her here and there, and waited impatiently for him to return and tell me everything.

This pic of her little belly made me squee. Seriously! So much CUTE.

Our photo

He LOVED her. He said they opened the door while he was walking up the sidewalk, and she bounded out the door and right into his arms, like she'd been waiting for him to show up and get her. He said the words I'd been waiting to hear: SHE'S OURS. We had to wait two weeks to get her, per the rescue organization's rules, which kind of sucked. It also gave us time to prepare the house, puppy proof, buy toys, her crate, research vets, etc. We also visited her again at her foster home, where I got to meet her for the first time. Instant love. :)

The first time we met, and already my baby.

Our photo

Already working him with those puppy eyes.

Our photo

I went to pick her up on August 27th, a Monday, after work. She had been in foster care with a family full of kids and a house full of dogs, but the rescue required all pick-ups take place at the shelter. I filled out all of the paperwork, and they brought her out....and I'll never forget how heart wrenching that moment was. She was TERRIFIED of the shelter. She was not acting like the same puppy I had met at all. She was crying, had a look of terror in her eyes and was "swimming" while the guy carried her to me. She had only met me once before, but when she saw me, she reached for me and latched on to me, literally digging her claws into me, pushing herself into me, and hiding her face in my neck. It was like she just knew....I was there to save her. It broke my heart...she seriously hated that place.

She cried a bit in her crate the first night, and I laid in bed and cried with her, because I had seen how scared she was earlier in the day, and I hated the thought of her being scared again. However, I knew that she needed to learn to sleep in her crate, so we laid there and listened while she tired herself out after only about fifteen minutes. There was never an awkward "getting used to us" stage, she acted like she was just supposed to be there and what took us so long, anyway? She just knew she was home, and that we were her people. Yeah, man. We're you're people, you're our new baby. It was mutually understood.

Sweet sleepy puppy muzzle.

Our photo

She ended up having some health issues, like a urinary tract infection and possible kennel cough, so she's been on antibiotics basically since we got her, but she's definitely improving and starting to act like a wild puppy instead of a lethargic one. And our lives are so much better for having her in it. :)

I remembered reading an interview with Robert Plant about the reason behind the name of the Led Zeppelin song Black Dog. People had speculated about the naming of the song ever since it came out in 1971, and trying to figure out what it had to do with the woman in the song. He said, simply, it was named after a black dog that wandered around the studio, following him everywhere. My little black dog follows me everywhere I go, so we named her Zeppelin. :) She pretty much lives up to her rockstar name, too, sleeping all day and getting wild at night....when we want to sleep. We consider it to be good baby training.

Our photo

At 13 weeks old, Zeppelin likes:

Carrying her nylabone keys around in her mouth, including while she pees and poops.
Playing hockey with ice cubes.
Watching the weather man on the morning news - she pays attention when he speaks.
Being the neighborhood watch in the backyard. She's very strict. Safety patrol!
Waking up mom and dad at 5:00am to play tug of war. Oh, and to eat.
Begging to go outside and then just licking the dew off the grass forever, instead of pottying.
Going to PetSmart and acting a fool. My dog is the one that barks at everyone and pees in the floor. Rockstars, what are you gonna do, ya know?

She can sit, shake, and leave it...but has trouble with come, down/no jump and likes to play bite. We're working on it! We're also teaching her that pooping is "taking a 'Bama" (which we'll also teach our child - no shame in our game - SEC!) And some dude tried to buy her from me at PetSmart. Creepy ass.

We love our little fur face!!! Welcome to the family, Zeppelin. :)

Here it's December, every day.

2012-09-12T13:02:00.001-04:00

Last time I felt this way, that is, feeling like an angry, depressed, trapped and restless 15 year old girl...I was an angry, depressed, trapped and restless.....15 year old girl. I can't spend nights sitting in my room, alone, moody black lights glowing, staring at the ceiling, contemplating my future in detail (will I write for Sassy? Will I run off to France and live in a crumbling attic apartment, dating guys with goatees and thrift store army jackets? Will I become a Nancy to a future Sid? A Casey Niccoli to a Perry Farrell (minus the creepy "died in our apartment of a drug overdose but I love her so I kept her for days" movie?) Oh yes, I was obviously a big dreamer and planned to die young, tragically, but with too much cool factor to be sad about it, apparently.), like I used to.

Well, because I can't sit still that long without falling asleep and because I'm not 15 and we don't have any moody black lights in our house. Adulthood is so harsh. I thought teen years were but HAHA, no. Stupid teenage Layla. Actually, I was pretty cool back then, not gonna lie. So it's more like stupid adult Layla, these days. Yeah, it's that wench I don't like. Not a bit.

But since my handwritten journals back then consisted of quotes cut out of Sassy, photo booth strips of various friends and myself (at Cool Springs Galleria, what up, Franklin?), concert ticket stubs, and usually started and ended with depressing song lyrics and/or movie quotes, I think I'll stick to that tradition (of the depressing lyrics/quotes) while reenacting my angsty teenage years - hence my last two titles. How presh. I'm already getting on my own nerves.

Despite turning off comments, several people reached out to offer support, to tell me they'd been there and it does get better, or to just check in. Thank you very much for that. I didn't respond to any of them, but it's not because I'm not grateful, I am. I just didn't know what to say. Not doing so well at speaking to actual humans these days. By the end of the work day, I'm so exhausted from forcing smiles and making small talk and trying to make myself seem like a normally functioning human being that the last thing I want to do is interact with another human, in any way. This is particularly unfortunate for my husband, who still walks in the door happy to see me, for some reason, only to be greeted by me sitting on the living room floor, dog in my lap, sobbing my eyes out, snotting everywhere. Such a scene happened last night, but he's no longer alarmed and I think it's sad that this is our new normal. I noticed when I went to bed that in the course of the manic sobbing, I had smeared most of my mascara off, save a small drop-ish shape slightly below the outer corner of my right eye. I had a temporary black tear tattoo, a'la Cry-Baby Wade Walker. Felt legit. Felt like an idiot.

Not being on social media for the past few days has given me time to mull over my reasons for being so damn down, instead of just ignoring it and I think I have some answers, for myself, at least. No doubt some of this is straight up hormonal but I think a lot of it is also just situational shit.

Living Situation.
The biggie is that I hate living where I live - the town, the state, etc. Yeah, it's my fault we moved here - I moved here for a job. And yeah, "AT LEAST I HAVE A JOB." Fuckin' got it. Still doesn't stop me from crying all the way from the office to my house every single day, driving down the same ugly roads in this ugly town, to an ugly house where I'll sit on the living room floor and cry some more. I find it unappealing in all regards. It almost cracks me up, because I wanted to leave Atlanta SO badly, making it the scapegoat in my unhappiness there, which pales in comparison to what I'm dealing with now. But - I had been unemployed for a long time, and it was draining. I felt that a fresh start somewhere else might jump start...something, I don't know. Anyway, I was wrong. There was a moment of hope, where we thought we might be able to go back. That window of opportunity is quickly closing, and with it, my lingering hope of leaving. Which was kind of the only thing getting me through each day. My depression started in earnest when I realized it probably wasn't going to happen any time soon, and definitely not before the baby comes.

Friend/Family Situation.
Just when you think you've been through possibly everything you can go through without your family present (wedding, surgeries, cancer, moving states), you find out that NOPE. You haven't. Add a pregnancy, baby, etc. Way harsh. Would be nice to have some normal family members that knew how to be a family, so that I could experience something in a semi-normal and supportive state, for once. Regarding friends, I don't have any here. Partly my fault, because I have chosen to look at our living here as nothing more than temporary and therefore haven't tried very hard, partly because I just haven't connected with anyone I've met, partly because it's hard to meet people in a new town, especially when you're mid-30's and pregnant. My neighbors are nice, my coworkers are nice, my boss is super nice, I like them all well enough. But as far as a friend to hang out with, to get out of the house with, that hasn't happened. Also, my very best friend, a person I consider to be my only real family, the brother I would have liked to have, basically ditched me once I moved. That hurts, hard. I'm still so angry, hurt, etc. that I spend way too much time composing an email to him that I'll probably never send. No clue what to do or feel or think about that. But thanks, bud. You did exactly what you promised you wouldn't do. Cool.

Job Situation.
Not fulfilling. Interesting project, and I had high hopes. Truth be told, I only do actual work about 15-20% of the time. That's probably being generous, because I'd say that half of that time I'm waiting for someone to help me with it, since I haven't had enough work to really know what I'm doing. That's a lot of time to sit around, contemplating things. Too much time. I feel pretty worthless at work, but there's just not enough to go around. I have no clue why I'm here, honestly. Also, what I eat has become everyone's business at work. I can hardly put anything in my mouth without receiving stern looks from coworkers, or hearing remarks about, "are you feeding that baby something healthy?' or, "you shouldn't be eating/drinking that!" Note that I am not eating crack cocaine or drinking whiskey...usually I'm having a decaf or half-caf coffee or a freaking Kind bar, which someone walking by referred to as a candy bar. Mind you, nearly all of the people making these statements are overweight or smoke, so I find their judgment to be particularly precious and endearing and therefore have taken to hiding in my car to eat or not eating at all. I know, super healthy habits I'm developing here. But, come on already.

Health Situation.
Dude. Telling someone that absolutely abhors the town they live in (and state) that they can't go more than an hour to two hours away, tops, is INSANE. Meaning, I was told I can't go home (to Atlanta or Knoxville), until after the baby comes. WHY? I don't fucking understand. I get that I'm high risk, have a cerclage, yadda. Quite frankly, they have far better (and more) hospitals in Atlanta and I'd feel safer being there if something did go wrong while traveling. The day I was told I couldn't leave, I kind of just shut down. I'm doing fine, no health problems at all. Please just let me go home for a weekend or two, here and there. It's really all I want and I think one way of helping me maintain my sanity. I just need to go home. Preferably forever, but a weekend will help. Saw a car in the work parking lot this morning with a Cobb county, Georgia tag and immediately burst into tears.

Baby Situation.
Obviously, we're thrilled about the baby. I'm not mad at the baby. I'm concerned about the baby, pretty much constantly (he's doing fine, I'm just scared that my unhappiness is leaking into him and he's going to be born wearing skinny jeans and sporting a Flock of Seagulls hairdo). But I do feel trapped because I'm pregnant. I obviously can't just move back home, hoping for the best and taking whatever job I can find, because no one is going to hire a pregnant lady, I need the insurance, and would have to find another OB, etc. It would be nice to be around family (Josh's) and friends that have kids and know what they're doing and can guide us and offer support and advice and help when needed or just, ya know, be around. Having friends with kids in Atlanta means I'd have someone to go meet for coffee, or a play date, or whatever. Here, I sit in my ugly house and cry a lot, or sometimes, I sit in a Target parking lot at 9pm on a Sunday and cry for an hour in my car. There, I'd have people to talk to - a support system. An in person one, which I greatly need right now. I am loathe to join mommy groups, especially here. I don't need to justify that, I should be able to just want to be around people I already know and like and who happen to have kids as well, not strangers that I may or may not have anything in common with at all, other than having kids.

Body Situation.
That's all I've typed and I can already feel the judgment. Alas, no fucks of your judgment shall be given, because it is what it is. I have some weird body issues going on. I am constantly alarmed at the size of my stomach, which is growing far faster than anyone else's I know. At 17 weeks, I look as far along as some people I know at 24 weeks, 29 weeks. I can already see my hips spreading, which terrifies me because they are the part of my body I am most self conscious about. I can already feel that it's more difficult to get up from a seated position, that I can no longer spring up out of any position at all, that my center of gravity is...gone. It's just strange, because I didn't expect these things to happen for a long, long time. I guess I'm pretty pregnancy stupid, because I just had no idea. I feel like I'm doing it all wrong, getting too big too quickly, gaining too much weight, looking like an idiot trying to get up off the floor when playing with my dog. If I'm totally honest, it all pretty much reminds me of my surgery recoveries, which were a nightmare, and I guess I'm having a little (big?) freak out over experiencing all of that again. Yes, yes, the outcome is great - again, fuckin' got it. But the interim is difficult. I'm not one of those people that marvels at the changes my body makes, I panic over them. I know I'm not the only one, and no - they aren't temporary...nine months is not temporary and the forever after it takes to recover and lose the weight is not temporary either, so I hate being placated with that. I hate looking in the mirror, and I know this is just the tip of the iceberg. Glad some people never felt this way, but you know what? I do. Don't blast me for having the balls to be honest about my feelings.

If anyone in the world actually read this whole thing, they deserve a hug and a "thanks, bro."

In other news, we got a dog! A post is forthcoming, but here's the furface we named Zeppelin:

She's the best. A crazy puppy, but seriously - the best. Love her.

And, here I am at 17w4d, giant stomach and all. My face always looks amused in an "I awkwardly smile so I don't cry" way. Which is about as emo as it gets.

I can already sense the influx of mean comments. Just do me a favor, if I had the balls to be so honest about how I'm feeling and why, be so honest as to post who you really are if you bash me. Cool? Cool.

It's bigger than you.

2012-09-11T10:52:00.001-04:00

9/11 victims.

World Trade Center – New York City
Aamoth, Jr., Gordon M. • Abad, Edelmiro • Abad, Maria Rose • Abate, Andrew Anthony • Abate, Vincent • Abel, Laurence Christopher • Abraham, Alona • Abrahamson, William F. • Aceto, Richard Anthony • Ackermann, Heinrich Bernhard • Acquaviva, Paul • Adams, Donald LaRoy • Adams, Patrick • Adams, Shannon Lewis • Adams, Stephen George • Adanga, Ignatius Udo • Addamo, Christy A. • Adderley, Jr., Terence E. • Addo, Sophia B • Adler, Lee • Afflitto, Daniel Thomas •Afuakwah, Emmanuel Akwasi • Agarwal, Alok • Agarwala, Mukul Kumar • Agnello, Joseph • Agnes, David Scott • Aguiar, Jr., Joao Alberto da Fonsec • Ahearn, Brian G. • Ahern, Jeremiah Joseph • Ahladiotis, Joanne Marie • Ahmed, Shabbir • Aiken, Terrance Andre • Ajala, Godwin • Alagero, Gertrude M. • Alameno, Andrew • Alario, Margaret Ann • Albero, Gary M • Albert, Jon Leslie • Alderman, Peter Craig • Aldridge, Jacquelyn Delaine • Alger, David D. • Alikakos, Ernest • Allegretto, Edward L. • Allen, Eric • Allen, Joseph Ryan • Allen, Richard Dennis • Allen, Richard L. • Allingham, Christopher E. • Allison, Anna • Alonso, Janet M. • Alvarado, Anthony • Alvarez, Antonio Javier • Alvarez-Brito, Victoria • Alvear, Telmo E. • Alviar, Cesar Amoranto • Amanullah, Tariq • Amaranto, Angelo • Amato, James M. • Amatuccio, Joseph • Amoroso, Christopher Charles • Anai, Kazuhiro • Anaya, Jr., Calixto • Anchundia, Joseph • Anderson, Kermit Charles • Anderson, Yvette Constance • Edwards-Angell, Mary Lynn • Andreacchio, John • Andrews, Michael Rourke • Andrucki, Jean Ann • Ang, Siew-Nya • Angelini, Jr., Joseph John • Angelini, Sr., Joseph • Angell, David Lawrence • Angilletta, Laura • Angrisani, Doreen J. • Antigua, Lorraine • Aoyama, Seima David • Apollo, Peter Paul • Apostol, Jr., Faustino • Aquilino, Frank Thomas • Aranyos, Patrick Michael • Arce, David Gregory • Arczynski, Michael George • Arena, Louis • Arestegui, Barbara Jean • Arias, Adam P • Armstrong, Michael • Aron, Jack Charles • Aron, Joshua • Aronow, Richard Avery • Aronson, Myra Joy • Aryee, Japhet Jesse • Asaro, Carl Francis • Asciak, Michael • Asher, Michael Edward • Ashley, Janice Marie • Ashton, Thomas J • Asitimbay, Manuel O. • Atlas, Gregg Arthur • Atwood, Gerald Thomas • Audiffred, James • Aversano, Jr., Louis Frank • Aviles, Ezra • Ayala, Sandy Babakitis, Arlene T. • Bacchus, Eustace P • Badagliacca, John J. • Baeszler, Jane Ellen • Baierwalter, Robert J. • Bailey, Andrew J. • Bailey, Brett T. • Bailey, Garnet Edward • Bakalinskaya, Tatyana • Baksh, Michael S. • Balkcom, Sharon M. • Bane, Michael Andrew • Bantis, Katherine • Baptiste, Gerard • Baran, Walter • Barbara, Gerard A. • Barbaro, Paul Vincent • Barbella, James William • Barbosa, Ivan Kyrillos F. • Barbosa, Victor Daniel • Barbuto, Christine • Barkow, Colleen Ann • Barkway, David Michael • Barnes, Matthew • Barnes, Sheila Patricia • Baron, Evan J • Barrett-Arjune, Renee • Barry, Arthur Thaddeus • Barry, Diane G. • Barry, Maurice Vincent • Bart, Scott D. • Bartels, Carlton W. • Barzvi, Guy • Basina, Inna B • Basmajian, Alysia • Basnicki, Kenneth William • Bates, Steven Joseph • Battaglia, Paul James • Bauer, Jr., W. David • Bautista, Marlyn Capito • Bavis, Mark Lawrence • Baxter, Jasper • Beale, Michele • Beatini, Paul Frederick • Beatty, Jane S • Beck, Lawrence Ira • Beckles, Manette Marie • Bedigian, Carl John • Beekman, Michael Earnest • Behr, Maria A • Belilovsky, Yelena • Bell, Nina Patrice • Bellows, Debbie S • Belson, Stephen Elliot • Benedetti, Paul M. • Benedetto, Denise Lenore • Bennett, Bryan Craig • Bennett, Eric L. • Bennett, Oliver Duncan • Benson, Margaret L. • Berardi, Dominick J • Berger, James Patrick • Berger, Steven Howard • Bergin, John P. • Bergsohn, Alvin • Bergstein, Daniel • Berkeley, Graham Andrew • Berkeley, Michael J. • Bernaerts, Donna M. • Bernard, David W. • Bernstein, William • Berray, David M. • Berry, David S • Berry, Joseph J. • Bethke, William Reed • Betterly, Timothy • Beug, Carolyn • Beyea, Edward Frank • Beyer, Paul Michael • Bharvaney, Anil Tahilram • Bhukhan, Bella J. • Biegeleisen, Shimmy D. • Bielfeld, Peter Alexander • Biggart, William G • Bilcher, Brian Eugene • Bini, Carl Vincent • Bird, Gary Eugene • Birnbaum, Joshua David • Bishop, George John • Bittner, Jeffrey Donald • Blackman, Jr., Albert Balewa • Blackwell, Christopher Joseph • Blair, Susan Leigh • Blanding, Jr., Harry • Blaney, Janice Lee • Blass, Craig Michael • Blau, Rita • Blood, Jr., Richard Middleton • Boccardi, Michael Andrew • Bocchi, John P. • Bocchino, Michael Leopoldo • Bochino, Susan M. • Boehm, Bruce D. • Boffa, Mary Catherine • Bogdan, Nicholas Andrew • Bohan, Darren Christopher • Boisseau, Lawrence Francis • Boland, Jr., Vincent M • Bolourchi, Touri Hamzavi • Bondarenko, Alan • Bonheur Jr., Andre • Bonnett, Colin Arthur • Bonomo, Frank • Bonomo, Yvonne Lucia • Booker, Seaon • Booms, Kelly Ann • Bordeaux, Sherry Ann • Cahill, John Brett • Cahill, Michael John • Cahill, Scott Walter • Cahill, Thomas Joseph • Cain, George • Calabro, Salvatore B. • Calandrillo, Joseph M. • Calcagno, Philip V • Calderon, Edward • Caldwell, Kenneth Marcus • Calia, Dominick Enrico • Calixte, Felix • Callahan, Francis Joseph • Callahan, Liam • Calvi, Luigi • Camaj, Roko • Cammarata, Michael F. • Campbell, David Otey • Campbell, Geoffrey Thomas • Campbell, Jill Marie • Campbell, Robert Arthur • Campbell, Sandra Patricia • Canavan, Sean Thomas • Candela, John A. • Cangelosi, Vincent • Cangialosi, Stephen J • Cannava, Lisa Bella • Cannizzaro, Brian • Canty, Michael • Caporicci, Louis Anthony • Cappello, Jonathan Neff • Cappers, James Christopher • Caproni, Richard Michael • Cardona, Jose Manuel • Carey, Dennis M • Carlino, Edward • Carlo, Michael Scott • Carlone, David G. • Carlson, Rosemarie C. • Carney, Mark Stephen • Carpeneto, Joyce Ann • Carpio, Bautista Ivhan Luis • Carrington, Jeremy M • Carroll, Michael • Carroll, Peter • Carson, Jr., James Joseph • Carstanjen, Christoffer Mikael • Carter, Marcia Cecil • Cartier, James Marcel • Casalduc, Vivian • Casazza, John Francis • Cascio, Paul R • Casey, Neilie Anne Heffernan • Casoria, Thomas Anthony • Caspar, William Otto • Castano, Alejandro • Castillo, Arcelia • Castrianno, Leonard M. • Castro, Jose Ramon • Catarelli, Richard G. • Caton, Christopher Sean • Caufield, Robert John • Caulfield, Mary Teresa • Cavalier, Judson • Cawley, Michael Joseph • Cayne, Jason David • Ceballos, Juan Armando • Cefalu, Jason Michael • Celic, Thomas Joseph • Centeno, Ana Mercedes • Cesta, Joni • Chairnoff, Jeffrey Marc • Chalasani, Swarna • Chalcoff, William • Chalouh, Eli • Chan, Charles Lawrence • Chang, Mandy • Charette, Mark Lawrence • Bordenabe, Krystine • Boryczewski, Martin • Bosco, Richard Edward • Bothe, Klaus • Bouchard, Carol Marie • Boulton, John H • Bourdier, Francisco Eligio • Bowden, Jr., Thomas Harold • Bowers, Kimberly S • Bowers, Veronique Nicole • Bowman, Jr., Shawn Edward • Bowman, Larry • Bowser, Kevin L. • Box, Gary R. • Boyarsky, Gennady • Boyce, Pamela • Boyle, Michael • Braca, Alfred • Bracken, Kevin Hugh • Brady, David Brian • Braginsky, Alexander • Brandemarti, Nicholas W • Brandhorst, Daniel Raymond • Brandhorst, David Reed Gamboa • Bratton, Michelle Renee • Braut, Patrice • Bravo, Lydia E. • Breitweiser, Ronald Michael • Brennan III, Edward A. • Brennan, Francis Henry • Brennan, Michael E. • Brennan, Peter • Brennan, Thomas M. • Brethel, Daniel J. • Bright, Gary Lee • Briley, Jonathan • Brisman, Mark A. • Bristow, Paul Gary • Broderick, Mark Francis • Broghammer, Herman Charles • Broomfield, Keith A • Brown, Janice Juloise • Brown, Lloyd Stanford • Brown, Patrick J. • Browne, Bettina • Bruce, Mark • Bruehert, Richard George • Brunn, Andrew • Brunton, Vincent Edward • Bucca, Ronald Paul • Buchanan, Brandon J. • Buck, Gregory Joseph • Buckley, Dennis • Bueche, Nancy Clare • Buhse, Patrick Joseph • Bulaga, Jr., John Edward • Bunin, Stephen • Burke, Jr., William Francis • Burke, Matthew J. • Burke, Thomas Daniel • Burns, Donald J. • Burns, Kathleen Anne • Burns, Keith James • Burnside, John Patrick • Buslo, Irina • Bustillo, Milton G • Butler, Thomas M. • Byrne, Patrick Dennis • Byrne, Timothy GCCabezas, Jesus Neptali • Caceres, Lillian • Cachia, Brian Joseph • Cafiero, Jr., Steven Dennis • Caggiano, Richard M. • Caguicla, Cecile Marella • Chavez, Gregorio Manuel • Cheatham, Delrose E. • Checo, Pedro Francisco • Cherry, Douglas MacMillan • Cherry, Stephen Patrick • Cherry, Vernon Paul • Chevalier, Nestor • Chevalier, Swede • Chiang, Alexander H • Chiarchiaro, Dorothy J. • Chimbo, Luis Alfonso • Chin, Robert • Ching, Wing Wai • Chiofalo, Nicholas Paul • Chipura, John Gerard • Chirchirillo, Peter A. • Chirls, Catherine • Cho, Kyung Hee • Chowdhury, Abul K. • Chowdhury, Mohammad Salahuddin • Christophe, Kirsten L • Chu, Pamela • Chucknick, Steven Paul • Chung, Wai • Ciafardini, Christopher • Ciccone, Alex F. • Cilente, Frances Ann • Cillo, Elaine • Cintron III, Nestor Andre • Cintron, Edna • Cirri, Robert Dominick • Cisneros, Juan Pablo • Clark, Benjamin Keefe • Clark, Eugene • Clark, Gregory Alan • Clark, Mannie Leroy • Clark, Thomas R • Clarke, Christopher Robert • Clarke, Donna Marie • Clarke, Michael J. • Clarke, Suria Rachel Emma • Cleary, Kevin Francis • Cleere, James D • Cloud, Geoffrey W. • Clyne, Susan Marie • Coakley, Steven • Coale, Jeffrey Alan • Cody, Patricia A. • Coffey, Daniel Michael • Coffey, Jason M. • Cohen, Florence G. • Cohen, Kevin Sanford • Coladonato, Anthony Joseph • Colaio, Mark Joseph • Colaio, Stephen • Colasanti, Christopher M. • Colbert, Kevin Nathaniel • Colbert, Michel P. • Coleman, Keith E. • Coleman, Scott Thomas • Coleman, Tarel • Colhoun, Liam Joseph • Colin, Robert D • Coll, Robert J. • Collin, Jean Marie • Collins, John Michael • Collins, Michael L. • Collins, Thomas J • Collison, Joseph K • Collman, Jeffrey Dwayne • Colodner, Patricia Malia • Colon, Linda M. • Colon, Sol E. • Comer, Ronald Edward • Conaty Brace, Sandra Jolane • Concepcion, Jaime • Conde, Albert • Conley, Denease • Conlon, Susan P • Conner, Margaret Mary • Connolly, Cynthia Marie Lise • Connolly, Jr, John E. • Connor, James Lee • Connors, Jonathan M. • Connors, Kevin Patrick • Conroy, Kevin F. • Conway, Brenda E. • Cook, Dennis Michael • Cook, Helen D. • Coombs, Jeffrey W. • Cooper, John A • Coppo, Jr., Joseph John • Coppola, Gerard J. • Corbett, Joseph Albert • Corcoran, III, John J. • Cordero, Alejandro • Cordice, Robert Joseph • Correa, Ruben D. • Correa-Gutierrez, Danny A. • Corrigan, James J. • Cortes, Carlos • Cosgrove, Kevin • Costa, Dolores Marie • Costanza, Digna Alexandra • Costello Jr., Charles Gregory • Costello, Michael S • Cottoy, Conrod K • Coughlan, Martin John • Coughlin, John Gerard • Coughlin, Timothy J • Cove, James E. • Cox, Andre • Cox, Frederick John • Coyle, James Raymond • Coyle-Eulau, Michele • Cramer, Anne Marie • Cramer, Christopher Seton • Crant, Denise Elizabeth • Crawford, Jr., James Leslie • Crawford, Robert James • Creamer, Tara Kathleen • Cregan, Joanne Mary • Crifasi, Lucy • Crisci, John A • Crisman, Daniel Hal • Cross, Dennis • Crotty, Kevin Raymond • Crotty, Thomas G • Crowe, John • Crowther, Welles Remy • Cruikshank, Robert L • Cruz, John Robert • Cua, Grace Yu • Cubas, Kenneth John • Cubero, Francisco Cruz • Cuccinello, Thelma • Cudina, Richard J. • Cudmore, Neil James • Cullen lll, Thomas Patrick • Cummings, Joyce • Cummins, Brian Thomas • Cunningham, Michael Joseph • Curatolo, Robert • Curia, Laurence Damian • Curioli, Paul Dario • Currivan, Patrick Joseph • Curry Green, Andrew Peter Charles • Curry, Beverly • Curtin, Michael Sean • Cushny, Gavin D Da Mota, Manuel John • Dack, Caleb Arron • DaCosta, Carlos S. • Dale, Brian Paul • D’Allara, John • D’Amadeo, Vincent Gerard • Damaskinos, Thomas A. • D’Ambrosi, Jack • Damiani-Jones, Jeannine Marie • Danahy, Patrick W. • D’Antonio, Mary • Danz, Vincent • Darcy, Dwight Donald • Darling, Elizabeth Ann • Dataram, Annette Andrea • D’Atri, Edward A. • D’Auria, Michael D. • Davidson, Lawrence • Davidson, Michael Allen • Davidson, Scott Matthew • Davidson, Titus • Davila, Niurka • Davis, Clinton • Davis, Wayne Terrial • Dawson, Anthony Richard • Dawson, Calvin • Day, Edward James • de Araujo, Dorothy Alma • de Chavez, Jayceryll • De Jesus, Jennifer • De Jesus, Monique E. • De Jesus, Nereida • De La Pena, Emerita • de la Torre, Azucena Maria • De Pena, Jose Nicolas • De Santis, Jemal Legesse • De Simone, Christian Louis • De Vere, Melanie Louise • Dean, William Thomas • DeAngelis Jr., Robert J. • DeAngelis, Thomas Patrick • Debek, Tara E. • DeBin, Anna Marjia • DeBlase, James V. • DeCola, Paul • Dedvukaj, Simon Marash • Defazio, Jason Christopher • DeFeo, David A. • Del Valle Jr., Manuel • Delapenha, Donald Arthur • DeLeo, Vito Joseph • Delie, Danielle Anne • Della Pietra, Joseph A. • DellaBella, Andrea • Delligatti, Palmina • Deloughery, Colleen Ann • DeMartini, Francis Albert • Demas, Anthony • DeMeo, Martin N • Deming, Francis • Demitz, Carol K. • Dennis, Kevin • Dennis, Thomas F. • DePalma, Jean • Deraney, Robert John • DeRienzo, Michael • DeRubbio, David Paul • Desimone III, Edward • Desperito, Andrew • D’Esposito, Michael Jude • Deuel, Cindy Ann • Devito, Jerry • Devitt, Jr., Robert P. • Devlin, Dennis Lawrence • Dewan, Gerard • Dhanani, Sulemanali Kassamali • Di Chiaro, Patricia Florence • Di Martino, Debra Ann • DiAgostino, Michael Louis • Diaz, Matthew • Diaz, Nancy • Diaz-Piedra III, Michael A • Diaz-Sierra, Judith Berquis • Dickey, Jr., Joseph Dermot • Dickinson, Lawrence Patrick • Diehl, Michael D. • Difato, John • Difazio, Vincent • DiFranco, Carl Anthony • Difranco, Donald • Dimeglio, David • Dimino, Stephen Patrick • Dimmling, William John • DiNardo Schorpp, Marisa • Dincuff, Christopher M • Dingle, Jeffrey Mark • Dionisio, Anthony • DiPasquale, George • Dipilato, Joseph • DiStefano, Douglas Frank • Ditullio, Donald Americo • Doany, Ramzi A. • Doherty, John Joseph • Doi, Melissa C. • Dolan, Brendan • Dollard, Neil Matthew • Domanico, James Joseph • Domingo, Benilda Pascua • Dominguez, Alberto • Dominguez, Carlos • Dominguez, Jerome Mark Patrick • Donnelly, Kevin W. • Donovan, Jacqueline • Dorf, Stephen Scott • Dowd, Thomas • Dowdell, Kevin Christopher • Dowling, Mary Yolanda • Downey, Raymond Mathew • Doyle, Frank Joseph • Doyle, Joseph Michael • Drake, Randall L. • Driscoll, Stephen Patrick • Duarte, Mirna A. • Dudek, Luke A. • Duffy, Christopher Michael • Duffy, Gerard • Duffy, Michael Joseph • Duffy, Thomas W. • Duger, Antoinette • Dukat, Sareve • Dunne, Christopher Joseph • Dunstan, Richard Anthony • Dwyer, PatrickThomasEEacobacci, Joseph Anthony • Eagleson, John Bruce • Eaton, Robert Douglas • Eberling, Dean Phillip • Echtermann, Margaret Ruth • Eckna, Paul Robert • Economos, Constantine • Edwards, Dennis Michael • Edwards, Michael Hardy • Egan Jr., Martin J. • Egan, Christine • Egan, Lisa • Egan, Michael • Egan, Samantha Martin • Eggert, Carole • Ehrlich, Lisa Caren • Eichler, John Ernst • Eisenberg, Eric Adam • Elder, Daphne Ferlinda • Elferis, Michael J • Ellis, Mark Joseph • Ellis, Valerie Silver • Elmarry, Albert Alfy William • Emery, Jr., Edgar Hendricks • Eng, Doris Suk-Yuen • Epps, Christopher • Ericson, Ulf Ramm • Erker, Erwin L. • Erwin, William John • Escarcega, Sarah Ali • Espinal, Jose • Espinoza, Fanny • Esposito, Bridget Ann • Esposito, Francis • Esposito, Michael • Esposito, William • Esquilin, Jr., Ruben • Ette, Sadie • Etzold, Barbara G. • Evans, Eric Brian • Evans, Robert Edward • Ewart, Meredith Emily June • Fagan, Catherine K. • Fagan, Patricia Mary • Fairben, Keith George • Fajardo-Smith, Sandra • Fallon, Jr., William Lawrence • Fallon, William F • Fallone, Jr., Anthony J • Fanelli, Dolores Brigitte • Fangman, Robert John • Fanning, John Joseph • Faragher, Kathleen Anne • Farino, Thomas James • Farley, Nancy Carole • Farley-Hackel, Paige Marie • Farmer, Elizabeth Ann • Farnum, Douglas Jon • Farrell, John • Farrell, John W. • Farrell, Terrence Patrick • Farrelly, Joseph D. • Farrelly, Thomas Patrick • Fatha, Syed Abdul • Faughnan, Christopher Edward • Faulkner, Wendy R. • Fava, Shannon Marie • Favuzza, Bernard D • Fazio, Jr., Robert • Fazio, Ronald Carl • Feehan, William • Feely, Francis Jude • Feeney, Garth Erin • Fegan, Sean B. • Fehling, Lee S. • Feidelberg, Peter Adam • Feinberg, Alan D. • Feliciano, Rosa Maria • Fergus, Jr., Edward Thomas • Ferguson, George III • Fernandez, Henry • Fernandez, Judy Hazel • Fernandez, Julio • Ferraina, Elisa Giselle • Ferreira, Anne Marie Sallerin • Ferris, Robert John • Ferrugio, David Francis • Fersini, Louis V • Ferugio, Michael David • Fetchet, Bradley James • Fialko, Jennifer Louise • Fiedel, Kristen Nicole • Fields, Samuel • Filipov, Alexander Milan • Finnegan, Michael Bradley • Finnerty, Timothy J. • Fiore, Michael Curtis • Fiorelli, Sr., Stephen • Fiori, Paul M. • Fiorito, John B • Fischer, John R • Fisher, Andrew • Fisher, Bennett Lawson • Fisher, John Roger • Fisher, Thomas J. • Fishman, Lucy A. • Fitzgerald, Ryan D. • Fitzpatrick, Thomas James • Fitzsimons, Richard P. • Fiumefreddo, Salvatore • Flannery, Christina Donovan • Flecha, Eileen • Fletcher, Andre G. • Flickinger, Carl M • Florio, John Joseph • Flounders, Joseph Walken • Flyzik, Carol Ann • Fodor, David • Fodor, Michael N. • Fogel, Stephen Mark • Foley, Thomas • Fontana, David J • Foo, Chih Min • Forde, Godwin • Foreman, Donald A • Forsythe, Christopher Hugh • Foster, Claudia Alicia • Foster, Noel John • Fosteris, Ana • Foti, Robert Joseph • Fox, Jeffrey • Fox, Virginia • Francis, Pauline • Francis, Virgin • Frank, Gary Jay • Frank, Morton H. • Frank, Peter Christopher • Fraser, Richard K. • Frawley, Kevin J. • Frazier, Jr., Clyde • Frederick, Lillian Inez • Fredricks, Andrew • Freeman, Tamitha • Freiman, Brett Owen • Freund, Peter L • Fried, Arlene Eva • Friedlander, Alan Wayne • Friedman, Andrew Keith • Friedman, Paul J • Froehner, Gregg J. • Frost, Lisa Anne • Fry, Peter Christian • Fumando, Clement A. • Furman, Steven Elliot • Furmato, Paul James • Fyfe, Karleton D.B.GGabler, Fredric Neal • Gabrielle, Richard Samuel Federick • Gadiel, James Andrew • Gaff, Pamela Lee • Gailliard, Ervin Vincent • Galante, Deanna Lynn • Galante, Grace Catherine • Gallagher, Anthony Edward • Gallagher, Daniel James • Gallagher, John Patrick • Galletti, Lourdes • Gallo, Cono E. • Gallucci, Vincenzo • Galvin, Thomas E. • Gambale, Giovanna Galletta • Gambino Jr., Thomas • Gamboa, Giann Franco • Gamboa, Ronald • Ganci, Peter • Gann, Claude Michael • Garbarini, Charles William • Garcia, Cesar R. • Garcia, David • Garcia, Juan • Garcia, Marlyn Del Carmen • Gardner III, Harvey J. • Gardner, Christopher S. • Gardner, Douglas Benjamin • Gardner, Jeffrey Brian • Gardner, Thomas A. • Gardner, William Arthur • Garfi, Francesco • Gargano, Rocco Nino • Gartenberg, James M. • Garvey, Matthew David • Gary, Bruce • Gatton, Boyd Alan • Gavagan Jr., Donald Richard • Gay, Peter Alan • Gazzani, Terence D. • Geidel, Gary Paul • Geier, Paul Hamilton • Geis, Julie M. • Gelinas, Peter G. • Geller, Steven Paul • Gelling, Howard G. • Genco, Jr., Peter Victor • Genovese, Steven Gregory • Gentul, Alayne • George, Linda M. • Geraghty, Edward F • Geraty, Suzanne • Gerhardt, Ralph • Gerlich, Robert • Germain, Denis P. • Gertsberg, Marina Romanovna • Getzendanner, Susan M. • Geyer, James G. • Giaccone, Joseph M. • Giammona, Vincent Francis • Gibbon, Debra Lynn • Giberson, James Andrew • Gibson, Craig Neil • Gies, Ronnie E • Giglio, Laura A. • Gilbert, Andrew Clive • Gilbert, Timothy Paul • Gilbey, Paul Stuart • Gill, Paul John • Gilles, Mark Y. • Gillette, Evan • Gilligan, Ronald Lawrence • Gillis, Rodney C. • Gilly, Laura • Ginley, John F. • Giordano, Donna Marie • Giordano, Jeffrey John • Giordano, John • Giorgetti, Steven A. • Giovinazzo, Martin • Girolamo, Kum-Kum • Gitto, Salvatore • Giugliano, Cynthia • Gjonbalaj, Mon • Gladstone, Dianne • Glascoe, Keith Alexander • Glasser, Thomas Irwin • Glazer, Edmund • Glenn, Harry • Glick, Barry H. • Glick, Steven • Gnazzo, John T. • Godshalk, William Robert • Gogliormella, Michael • Goldberg, Brian Fredric • Goldflam, Jeffrey Grant • Goldstein, Michelle • Goldstein, Monica • Goldstein, Steven • Golkin, Andrew H. • Gomes, Dennis James • Gomez, Enrique Antonio • Gomez, Jose Bienvenido • Gomez, Jr., Manuel • Gomez, Wilder Alfredo • Gonzalez, Jenine Nicole • Gonzalez, Mauricio • Gonzalez, Rosa • Goodchild, Lynn Catherine • Gooding, Calvin J. • Goodrich, Peter M. • Goody, Harry • Gopu, Kiran Reddy • Gorayeb, Catherine C. • Gordenstein, Lisa Reinhart • Gordon, Kerene • Gorki, Sebastian • Gorman, Kieran Joseph • Gorman, Thomas Edward • Gould, Michael Edward • Gowell, Douglas Alan • Goya, Yuji • Grabowski, Jon Richard • Grady, Christopher Michael • Graf III, Edwin J. • Graifman, David Martin • Granados, Gilbert Franco • Granitto, Elvira • Grant, Winston Arthur • Gray, Christopher S. • Gray, James Michael • Gray, Tara McCloud • Grayling, Linda Catherine • Grazioso, John M • Grazioso, Timothy George • Green, Derrick Auther • Green, Wade B. • Greenberg, Elaine Myra • Greene, Gayle R • Greenleaf, Jr., James Arthur • Greenstein, Eileen Marsha • Gregg, Elizabeth Martin • Gregory, Denise • Gregory, Donald H • Gregory, Florence Moran • Grehan, Pedro • Griffin, John Michael • Griffin, Tawanna Sherry • Griffith, Joan Donna • Grifka, Warren • Grijalvo, Ramon • Grillo, Joseph F. • Grimner, David Joseph • Grogan, Francis Edward • Grouzalis, Kenneth George • Grzelak, Joseph • Grzymalski, Matthew James • Gschaar, Robert Joseph • Gu, Liming • Guadalupe, Jose A. • Guan, Cindy Yan Zhu • Guja, Geoffrey E • Gullickson, Joseph Peter • Guman, Babita Girjamatie • Gurian, Douglas Brian • Gustafson, Janet Ruth • Guza, Philip T. • Guzzardo, Barbara • Gyulavary, Peter M.HHaag, Gary Robert • Haberman, Andrea Lyn • Habib, Barbara Mary • Haentzler, Philip • Hafiz, Nezam A. • Hagerty, Karen Elizabeth • Hagis, Steven Michael • Hague, Mary Lou • Halderman, David • Hale, Maile Rachel • Hall, Richard B. • Hall, Vaswald George • Halligan, Robert J. • Halloran, Vincent Gerard • Halvorson, James Douglas • Hamdani, Mohammad Salman • Hamilton, Felicia • Hamilton, Robert W. • Hammond, Jr., Carl Max • Han, Frederic K • Hanley, Christopher J. • Hanley, Sean S • Hanna, Valerie Joan • Hannafin, Thomas • Hannaford, Kevin James • Hannan, Michael Lawrence • Hannon, Dana R. • Hanson, Christine Lee • Hanson, Peter Burton • Hanson, Sue Kim • Haramis, Vassilios G. • Haran, James A. • Hardacre, Gerald Francis • Hardy, Jeffrey Pike • Hargrave, Timothy John • Harlin, Daniel Edward • Haros, Frances • Harrell, Harvey L. • Harrell, Stephen G • Harrington, Melissa Marie • Harris, Aisha Anne • Harris, Stewart Dennis • Hart, John Patrick • Hartono, Eric • Hartz, John Clinton • Harvey, Emeric • Hashem, Peter Paul • Haskell, Jr., Thomas Theodore • Haskell, Timothy • Hasson III, Joseph John • Hatton, Leonard W. • Hatton, Terence S • Haub, Michael Helmut • Haviland, Timothy Aaron • Havlish, Jr., Donald G. • Hawkins, Anthony Maurice • Hayatsu, Nobuhiro • Hayden, James Edward • Hayes, Philip • Hayes, Robert Jay • Haynes, William Ward • Hazelcorn, Scott Jordan • Healey, Michael K. • Heber, Roberta B. • Heeran, Charles Francis Xavier • Heffernan, John F. • Heller, Jr., Howard Joseph • Heltibridle, Joann L. • Hemschoot, Mark F. • Henderson, Ronnie Lee • Hennessey, Brian • Hennessy Jr., Edward R. • Henrique, Michelle Marie • Henry, Joseph Patrick • Henry, William • Henwood, John Christopher • Hepburn, Robert Allan • Herencia, Mary • Herkness III, Lindsay C. • Hermer, Harvey Robert • Hernandez, Claribel • Hernandez, Nuberto • Hernandez, Raul • Herold, Gary • Hersch, Jeffrey A. • Hetzel, Thomas • Hickey, Brian Christopher • Hidalgo Cedeno, Enemencio Dario • Higgins, Timothy • Higley II, Robert D. W. • Hill, Todd Russell • Hinds, Clara Victorine • Hinds, Neal O • Hindy, Mark D • Hirai, Katsuyuki • Ho, Heather Malia • Hobbs, Tara Yvette • Hobbs, Thomas Anderson • Hobin, James J. • Hobson, Robert Wayne • Hodges, DaJuan • Hoerner, Ronald George • Hoey, Patrick A. • Hofer, John A. • Hoffman, Marcia • Hoffman, Stephen G. • Hoffmann, Frederick Joseph • Hoffmann, Michele L • Hofmiller, Judith Florence • Hohlweck, Jr., Thomas Warren • Hohmann, Jonathan R. • Holland, Cora Hidalgo • Holland, John • Holland, Joseph F • Holmes, Elizabeth • Holohan, Thomas • Homer, Herbert Wilson • Hoorn, Bradley Van • Hopper, James P. • Hord, Montgomery McCullough • Horn, Michael Joseph • Horning, Matthew Douglas • Horohoe, Jr., Robert L • Horrocks, Michael Robert • Horwitz, Aaron • Houston, Charles • Houston, Uhuru G • Howard, George • Howell, Michael C • Howell, Steven Leon • Howley, Jennifer L. • Hromada, Milagros • Hrycak, Marian R. • Huczko, Jr., Stephen • Hughes, Jr., Robert T. • Hughes, Kris Robert • Hughes, Paul Rexford • Hughes, Thomas • Hughes, Timothy Robert • Huie, Susan • Hulse, Lamar • Humber, Jr., John Nicholas • Hunt, William Christopher • Hunt-Casey, Kathleen Anne • Hunter, Joseph Gerard • Hussa, Robert R • Hynes, Thomas Edward • Hynes, Walter G.IIanelli, Joseph Anthony • Ibis, Zuhtu • Ielpi, Jonathan Lee • Iken, Michael • Ilkanayev, Daniel • Ill, Jr., Frederick • Ilowitz, Abraham Nethanel • Infante, Jr., Anthony P. • Inghilterra, Jr., Louis S • Ingrassia, Christopher Noble • Innella, Paul • Irby, Stephanie Veronica • Irgang, Douglas Jason • Irvine Ryan, Kristin A. • Isaac, Todd Antione • Isbrandtsen, Erik • Ishikawa, Taizo • Iskandar, Waleed Joseph • Iskenderian, Jr., Aram • Iskyan, John F • Ito, Kazushige • Ivantsov, Aleksandr ValeryevichJJablonski, Virginia May • Jackman, Brooke Alexandra • Jacobs, Aaron Jeremy • Jacobs, Ariel Louis • Jacobs, Jason Kyle • Jacobs, Michael Grady • Jacobson, Steven A. • Jaggernauth, Ricknauth • Jagoda, Jake Denis • Jain, Yudh Vir Singh • Jakubiak, Maria • Jalbert, Robert Adrien • James, Ernest • James, Gricelda E. • Jardim, Mark Steven • Jarret, Amy N • Jawara, Muhammadou • Jean-Pierre, Francois • Jean-Pierre, Maxima • Jeffers, Paul Edward • Jeffries Sanchez, Alva Cynthia • Jenkins, John Charles • Jenkins, Jr., Joseph • Jensen, Alan Keith • Jerath, Prem N. • Jeudy, Farah • Jian, Hweidar • Jimenez, Jr., Eliezer • Jimenez, Jr., Luis • John, Charles Gregory • John, Nicholas • Johnson, LaShawna • Johnson, Scott Michael • Johnston, William R. • Jones III, Arthur Joseph • Jones, Allison Horstmann • Jones, Brian Leander • Jones, Charles Edward • Jones, Christopher D. • Jones, Donald T. • Jones, Donald W. • Dunn-Jones, Felicia • Jones, Linda • Jones, Mary S. • Jordan, Andrew B. • Jordan, Robert Thomas • Joseph, Albert Gunnis • Joseph, Ingeborg • Joseph, Karl Henry • Joseph, Stephen • Josiah, Jane Eileen • Jovic, Anthony • Juarbe, Jr., Angel L. • Juday, Karen Sue • Judge, Mychal F. • Jurgens, Paul William • Jurgens, ThomasEdwardKKadaba, Shashikiran Lakshmikantha • Kamardinova, Gavkharoy • Kandell, Shari • Kane, Howard Lee • Kane, Jennifer Lynn • Kane, Vincent D • Kang, Joon Koo • Kanter, Sheldon Robert • Kaplan, Deborah H. • Kaplan, Robin Lynne • Kappelmann, Jr., Alvin Peter • Karczewski, Charles • Karnes, William A. • Karpiloff, Douglas Gene • Kasper, Charles L. • Kates, Andrew K • Katsimatides, John • Kaulfers, Robert Michael • Kauth, Jr., Don Jerome • Kawauchi, Hideya • Keane, Edward T. • Keane, Richard M. • Kearney-Griffin, Lisa Yvonne • Keasler, Karol Ann • Keating, Barbara A. • Keating, Paul Hanlon • Keene III, Leo Russell • Keller, Joseph John • Kellerman, Peter R • Kellett, Joseph P. • Kelley, Jr., Frederick H. • Kelly, James Joseph • Kelly, Joseph A. • Kelly, Jr., Richard John • Kelly, Jr., William Hill • Kelly, Maurice P. • Kelly, Thomas Michael • Kelly, Thomas Richard • Kelly, Thomas W • Kelly, Timothy Colin • Kennedy, Robert Clinton • Kennedy, Thomas J. • Keohane, John R • Kershaw, Ralph Francis • Kerwin, Ronald T. • Kestenbaum, Howard L • Ketcham, Douglas D. • Ketler, Ruth Ellen • Khalif, Boris • Khan, Sarah • Khan, Taimour Firaz • Khandelwal, Rajesh • Khoo, SeiLai • Kiefer, Michael Vernon • Kikuchihara, Satoshi • Kim, Andrew Jay-Hoon • Kim, Lawrence D. • Kimelman, Mary Jo • Kimmig, Heinrich • King Jr., Robert • King, Amy R. • King, Andrew M. • King, Lucille Teresa • King-Johnson, Lisa • Kinney, Brian K. • Kinoshita, Takashi • Kirby, Chris Michael • Kirschbaum, Howard Barry • Kirwin, Glenn Davis • Kittle, Helen Crossin • Klares, Richard Joseph • Klein, Peter Anton • Kleinberg, Alan David • Klitzman, Karen Joyce • Kloepfer, Ronald Philip • Kniazev, Eugueni • Knox, Andrew • Knox, Thomas Patrick • Koborie, Rebecca Lee • Kobus, Deborah A • Koecheler, Gary Edward • Koestner, Frank J. • Kohart, Ryan • Kolpak, Vanessa Lynn • Kolpakova, Irina • Kondratenko, Suzanne • Kone, Abdoulaye • Koo, Bon Seok • Kopiczko, Dorota • Kopytko, Scott • Kostic, Bojan • Kousoulis, Danielle • Kovalcin, David P • Kren, John J. • Krukowski, William E. • Ksido, Lyudmila • Kumar, Shekhar • Kumpel, Kenneth Bruce • Kuo, Jr., Frederick • Kuras, Patricia • Kushitani, Nauka • Kuveikis, Thomas Joseph • Kwarkye, Victor • Kwok, Kui Fai • Kyte, Angela ReedLLa Corte, Andrew • LaBorie, Kathryn L. • Lachhman, Amarnauth • Ladkat, Ganesh K. • Ladley, James Patrick • Lafalce, Joseph A. • Lafond-Menichino, Jeanette Louise • Laforge, David • Laforte, Michael • LaFrance, Alan Charles • Lafuente, Juan Mendez • Lai, Neil Kwong-Wah • Laieta, Vincent Anthony • Lake, William David • Lalama, Franco • Lam, Chow Kwan • LaMantia, Stephen • Lamonsoff, Amy Hope • Lane, Robert • Lang, Brendan Mark • Lang, Rosanne P. • Langer, Vanessa • Langley, Mary Louise • Langone, Peter J • Langone, Thomas Michael • Lanza, Michele Bernadette • Lapin, Ruth Sheila • LaPlante, Carol Ann • Lariby, Ingeborg • Larkey, Robin Blair • Larocque, Judith Camilla • Larrabee, Christopher Randall • Larry, Hamidou S. • Larsen, Scott • Larson, John Adam • Lasden, Natalie Janis • Lasko, Gary Edward • Lassman, Nicholas Craig • Laszczynski, Paul • Latouche, Jeffrey G • Laurencin, Charles A • Lauria, Stephen James • LaVache, Maria • Lavelle, Denis Francis • LaVerde, Jeannine Mary • Laverty, Anna A. • Lawn, Steven • Lawrence, Robert • Lawson, Nathaniel • Lazar, Eugen Gabriel • Leahy, James Patrick • Leavey, Joseph Gerard • Leavy, Neil Joseph • Leblanc, Robert G. • Lebor, Leon • Ledee, Kenneth Charles • Lederman, Alan J. • Ledesma, Elena F. • Leduc, Alexis • Lee, Daniel John • Lee, David S • Lee, Gary H. • Lee, Hyun Joon • Lee, Juanita • Lee, Kathryn Blair • Lee, Linda C. • Lee, Lorraine Mary • Lee, Myoung Woo • Lee, Richard Y • Lee, Stuart Soo-Jin • Lee, Yang Der • Lefkowitz, Stephen Paul • Legro, Adriana • Lehman, Edward Joseph • Lehrfeld, Eric Andrew • Leistman, David • Lemagne, David Prudencio • Lenihan, Joseph Anthony • Lennon Jr., John Joseph • Lenoir, John Robinson • Leon, Jorge Luis • Leonard, 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Manuel L. • Lostrangio, Joseph • Louie, Chet Dek • Louis, Stuart Seid • Lovero, Joseph • Low Wong, Jenny Seu Kueng • Low, Sara Elizabeth • Lowe, Michael W. • Lozier, Garry W. • Lozowsky, John Peter • Lucania, Charles Peter • Luckett, Edward Hobbs • Ludvigsen, Mark Gavin • Ludwig, Lee Charles • Lugano, Sean Thomas • Lugo, Daniel • Lukas, Marie • Lum, Jr., William • Lunden, Michael P. • Lunder, Christopher Edmund • Luparello, Anthony • Lutnick, Gary Frederick • Luzzicone, Linda Anne • Lygin, Alexander • Lynch, Farrell Peter • Lynch, James Francis • Lynch, Jr., Richard D • Lynch, Jr., Robert Henry • Lynch, Louise A. • Lynch, Michael Cameron • Lynch, Michael Francis • Lynch, Michael Francis • Lynch, Sean P. • Lynch, Sean Patrick • Lyons, Michael J. • Lyons, Monica Anne • Lyons, Patrick J. • Mace, Robert Francis • Macfarlane, Marianne • Maciejewski, Jan • Mackay, Susan A • Macrae, Catherine Fairfax • Madden, Richard Blaine • Maddison, Simon • Maerz, Noell • Maffeo, Jennieann • Maffeo, Joseph • Magazine, Jay Robert • Magee, Brian • Magee, Charles Wilson • Maggitti, Joseph V • Magnuson, Ronald • Maher, Daniel L. • Mahon, Thomas Anthony • Mahoney, William J. • Maio, Joseph Daniel • Makimoto, Takashi • Malahi, Abdu Ali • Maldonado, Debora I. • Maldonado-Agosto, Myrna T • Maler, Alfred Russell • Malone, Gregory James • Maloney III, Edward Francis • Maloney, Joseph • Maloy, Gene Edward • Maltby, Christian • Mancini, Francisco Miguel • Mangano, Joseph • Manley, Sara Elizabeth • Mannetta, Debra • Manning, Marion Victoria • Manning, Terence John • Maounis, James • Marchand, Alfred Gilles • Marchbanks, Jr., Joseph Ross • Mardikian, Peter Edward • Mardovich, Edward Joseph • Margiotta, Charles Joseph • Mariani, Louis Neil • Marino, Kenneth Joseph • Marino, Lester V. • Marino, Vita • Marlo, Kevin D. • Marrero, Jose • Marshall, John Daniel • Martello, James • Marti, Michael A. • Martin, Jr., William J. • Martin, Karen Ann • Martin, Peter C. • Martineau, Brian E. • Martinez, Betsy • Martinez, Edward • Martinez, Jr., Jose Angel • Martinez, Robert Gabriel • Martinez-Calderon, Lizie D. • Martini, Paul Richard • Mascali, Joseph A. • Mascarenhas, Bernard • Masi, Stephen Frank • Massa, Nicholas George • Massari, Patricia Ann • Massaroli, Michael• Mastrandrea, Jr., Philip William • Mastrocinque, Rudolph • Mathai, Joseph • Mathers, Charles • Mathesen, William A. • Matricciano, Marcello • Mattic, Margaret Elaine •Mattson, Robert D. • Matuza, Walter • Mauro, Charles J. • Mauro, Dorothy • Mauro, Jr., Charles A. • Mauro, Nancy T. • May, Tyrone • Maynard, Keithroy Marcellus • Mayo, Robert J • Mazza, Kathy Nancy • Mazzella, Jr., Edward • Mazzotta, Jennifer Lynn • Mbaya, Kaaria • McAlary, James Joseph • McAleese, Brian Gerard • McAneney, Patricia Ann • McArthur, Colin R. • McAvoy, John Kevin • McBrayer, Kenneth M. • McCabe, Brendan • McCabe, Michael • McCann, Thomas J. • McCarthy, Justin • McCarthy, Kevin M. • McCarthy, Michael • McCarthy, Robert • McCaskill, Stanley • McCloskey, Katie Marie • McConnell-Cullinan, Joan • McCourt, Juliana Valentine • McCourt, Ruth Magdaline • McCrann, Charles Austin • McDay, Tonyell F. • McDermott, Matthew T. • McDonald, Joseph P. • McDonnell, Brian Grady • McDonnell, Michael P • McDowell Jr, John • McEneaney, Eamon J. • McErlean, Jr., John Thomas • McGinley, Daniel Francis • McGinly, Mark Ryan • McGinn, William E • MCGinnis, Thomas Henry • McGinty, Michael Gregory • McGovern, Ann • McGovern, Scott Martin • McGovern, William • McGuinn, Francis Noel • McGuinness Jr., Thomas F. • McGuire, Patrick • McHale, Thomas M. • McHeffey, Keith • McHugh III, Denis J. • McHugh, Ann M. • McHugh, Dennis • McHugh, Michael E. • McIlvaine, Robert G • McIntyre, Donald James • McKenna, Stephanie Marie • McKeon, Barry J • McKinnedy, Evelyn C • McKinney, Darryl Leron • McLaughlin, Jr., George Patrick • McLaughlin, Jr., Robert C. • McMahon, Gavin • McMahon, Robert D • McNally, Edmund • McNeal, Daniel W • McNeil, Walter Arthur • McNulty, Christine Sheila • McNulty, Sean Peter • McPadden, Robert William • McShane, Terence A. • McSweeney, Timothy Patrick • McWilliams, Martin E. • Medaglia, Rocco A • Medina, Abigail Cales • Medina, Ana Iris • Medwig, Deborah Louise • Meehan, Damian • Meehan, William J. • Mehta, Alok Kumar • Meisenheimer, Raymond • Mejia, Manuel Emilio • Melaku, Eskedar • Melendez, Antonio • Melendez, Mary • Mello, Christopher D • Melnichenko, Yelena • Meltzer, Stuart Todd • Mena, Diarelia Jovanah • Mendez, Charles • Mendoza, Lizette • Mentis, Shevonne Olicia • Menzel, Wolfgang Peter • Mercado, Steve John • Mercer, Wesley • Mercurio, Ralph Joseph • Merdinger, Alan Harvey • Merino, George L. • Merino, Yamel Josefina • Merkouris, George • Merrick, Deborah • Metz III, Raymond Joseph • Metzler, Jill Ann • Meyer, David Robert • Miah, Nurul H. • Micciulli, William Edward • Michelstein, Martin Paul • Milano, Peter Teague • Milanowycz, Gregory • Milewski, Lukasz Tomasz • Millan, Sharon Christina • Miller, Corey Peter • Miller, Craig James • Miller, Douglas Charles • Miller, Joel • Miller, Jr., Henry Alfred • Miller, Jr., Robert Cromwell • Miller, Michael Matthew • Miller, Philip D. • Miller, Robert Alan • Millman, Benjamin • Mills, Charles Morris • Milstein, Ronald Keith • Minara, Robert • Minardi, William George • Minervino, Louis Joseph • Mingione, Thomas • Miraille, Wilbert • Mircovich, Dominick N. • Mirpuri, Rajesh Arjan • Mistrulli, Joseph • Miszkowicz, Susan J. • Mitchell, Paul Thomas • Miuccio, Richard P. • Mladenik, Jeffrey Peter • Moccia, Sr., Frank V. • Modafferi, Louis Joseph • Mohammed, Boyie • Mojica, Dennis • Mojica, Manuel • Molina, Kleber Rolando • Molina, Manuel De Jesus • Molinaro, Carl • Molisani, Justin • Monaghan, Brian • Monahan, Franklin • Monahan, John Gerard • Montanaro, Kristen • Montano, Craig • Montesi, Michael • Montoya Valdes, Antonio Jesus • Montoya, Carlos Alberto • Monyak, Cheryl Ann • Moody, Thomas C. • Moore, Sharon • Moorthy, Krishna V. • Morabito, Laura Lee • Morales, Abner • Morales, Carlos Manuel • Morales, Paula E. • Moran, John Chrisopher • Moran, John Michael • Moran, Kathleen • Morehouse, Lindsay Stapleton • Morell, George • Morello, Steven P. • Morello, Vincent S. • Moreno, Yvette Nicole • Morgan, Dorothy • Morgan, Richard • Morgenstern, Nancy • Mori, Sanae • Morocho Morocho, Leonel Geronimo • Morocho, Blanca Robertina • Moroney, Dennis Gerard • Morris, Lynne Irene • Morris, Seth Allan • Morris, Stephen Philip • Morrison, Christopher Martel • Morron Garcia, Jorge Luis • Morrone, Ferdinand V. • Moskal, William David • Motroni, Marco • Motus-Wilson, Cynthia • Mouchinski, Iouri A. • Moussa, Jude Joseph • Moutos, Peter • Mowatt, Damion O’ Neil • Mozzillo, Christopher Michael • Mulderry, Stephen Vincent • Muldowney Jr, Richard T. • Mullan, Michael D • Mulligan, Dennis Michael • Mulligan, Peter James • Mullin, Michael Joseph • Munhall, James Donald • Muniz, Nancy • Munoz, Carlos • Munoz, Frank Heladio • Munson, Theresa • Murach, Robert M. • Murillo, Cesar Augusto • Murolo, Marc A. • Murphy IV, James F. • Murphy Jr., Robert Eddie • Murphy, Brian Joseph • Murphy, Charles Anthony • Murphy, Christopher W. • Murphy, Edward Charles • Murphy, James Thomas • Murphy, Kevin James • Murphy, Patrick Sean • Murphy, Raymond E. • Murray, John Joseph • Murray, Jr., John Joseph • Murray, Susan D • Murray, Valerie Victoria • Myhre, Richard ToddNNagel, Robert B. • Naiman, Mildred Rose • Nakamura, Takuya • Napier, Alexander John Robert • Naples III, Frank Joseph • Napolitano, John Phillip • Nardella, Catherine Ann • Nardone Jr., Mario • Narula, Manika K. • Nassaney, Shawn M • Nath, Narender • Navarro, Karen Susan • Navas, Joseph Micheal • Nazario, Francis Joseph • Neblett, Glenroy I. • Neblett, Rayman Marcus • Nedd, Jerome O. • Nedell, Laurence • Nee, Luke G. • Negron, Pete • Neira, Laurie Ann • Nelson, Ann N. • Nelson, David William • Nelson, James • Nelson, Michele Ann • Nelson, Peter Allen • Nesbitt, Oscar Francis • Nevins, Gerard Terence • Newell, Renee Lucille • Newton-Carter, Christopher • Ngo, Nancy Yuen • Nichilo, Jody • Nicosia, Kathleen Ann • Niederer, Martin S. • Niedermeyer, Alfonse Joseph • Niestadt, Jr., Frank John • Nieves Jr., Juan • Nieves, Gloria • Nilsen, Troy Edward • Nimbley, Paul • Niven, John B. • Noack, Katherine Marie • Noel, Curtis Terrance • Nolan, Daniel R. • Noonan, Robert Walter • Norton, Jacqueline June • Norton, Robert Grant • Notaro, Daniela R • Novotny, Brian Christopher • Numata, Soichi • Nunez, Brian Felix • Nunez, Jose • Nussbaum, Jeffrey Roger • Oakley, James A. • O’Berg, Dennis Patrick • O’Brien, Jr., James P. • O’Brien, Michael P • O’Brien, Scott J. • O’Brien, Timothy Michael • O’Callaghan, Daniel • O’Connor, Diana J. • O’Connor, Jr., Dennis James • O’Connor, Keith Kevin • O’Connor, Richard J. • O’Doherty, Amy • O’Doherty, Marni Pont • Oelschlager, Douglas E • Ogawa, Takashi • Ogletree, Albert • Ognibene, Philip Paul • Ogonowski, John A. • O’Grady, James Andrew • Ogren, Joseph J. • O’Hagan, Thomas G • Oitice, Samuel • O’Keefe, Patrick J • O’Keefe, William • Olcott, Gerald Michael • O’Leary, Gerald • Olender, Christine Anne • Oliva, Linda Mary • Oliver, Edward Kraft • Oliver, Leah E. • Olsen, Eric T. • Olsen, Jeffrey James • Olson, Maureen Lyons • Olson, Steven John • O’Mahony, Matthew Timothy • Onda, Toshihiro • Oneal, Seamus L • O’Neill, John P • O’Neill, Jr., Peter J • O’Neill, Sean Gordon • Ong, Betty Ann • Opperman, Michael C. • Orgielewicz, Christopher • Orloske, Margaret • Ormiston, Virginia Anne • O’Rourke, Kevin • Orsini, Ronald • Ortale, Peter Keith • Ortega-Campos, Juan • Orth, Jane M. • Ortiz, Alexander • Ortiz, David • Ortiz, Jr., Emilio • Ortiz, Jr., Paul • Ortiz, Pablo • Ortiz, Sonia • Ose, Masaru • O’Shea, Patrick J. • O’Shea, Robert William • Osorio, Elsy C. • Ostrowski, James R. • O’Sullivan, Timothy F. • Oswald, Jason Douglas • Otten, Michael John • Ottenwalder, Isidro D • Ou, Michael Chung • Ouida, Todd Joseph • Ovalles, Jesus • Owens, Jr., Peter J. • Oyola, AdianesPPabon Jr., Israel • Pabon, Angel M. • Pacheco, Roland • Packer, Michael Benjamin • Pakkala, Deepa • Palazzo, Jeffrey Matthew • Palazzo, Thomas • Palazzolo, Richard • Palmer, Orio J. • Palombo, Frank Anthony • Palumbo, Alan N. • Panatier, Christopher Matthew • Pandolfo, Dominique Lisa • Pansini, Paul J. • Paolillo, John M • Papa, Edward Joseph • Papasso, Salvatore T. • Pappageorge, James Nicholas • Pappalardo, Marie • Parakat, Vinod Kumar • Paramsothy, Vijayashanker • Parandkar, Nitin Ramesh • Parbhu, Hardai • Parham, James Wendell • Paris, Debra Marie • Paris, George • Park, Gye Hyong • Parker, Philip Lacey • Parkes, Michael Alaine • Parks, Jr., Robert E. • Parmar, Hashmukhrai C • Parro, Robert • Parsons, Diane Marie • Pascual, Leobardo Lopez • Pascuma, Jr., Michael J. • Paskins, Jerrold • Passananti, Horace Robert • Passaro, Suzanne H. • Patel, Avnish Ramanbhai • Patel, Dipti • Patel, Manish • Paterson, Steven Bennett • Patrick, James Matthew • Patrocino, Manuel D • Patterson, Bernard E. • Patti, Cira Marie • Pattison, Robert E. • Paul, James Robert • Paz, Patrice • Paz-Gutierrez, Victor • Peak, Stacey Lynn • Pearlman, Richard Allen • Pearsall, Durrell V • Pecorelli, Thomas Nicholas • Pedicini, Thomas • Pelino, Todd Douglas • Pelletier, Michel Adrian • Peluso, Anthony G. • Pena, Angel Ramon • Penny, Richard Al • Pepe, Salvatore F. • Peralta, Carl • Peraza, Robert David • Perconti, Jon A • Perez, Alejo • Perez, Angela Susan • Perez, Anthony • Perez, Ivan • Perez, Jr., Angel • Perez, Nancy E. • Perkins, Berinthia B. • Perroncino, Joseph John • Perrotta, Edward J. • Perry, Emelda H. • Perry, Glenn C. • Perry, John William • Pershep, Franklin Allan • Pesce, Danny • Pescherine, Michael John • Peterson, Davin • Peterson, William Russell • Petrocelli, Mark • Petti, Philip Scott • Pettit, Glen Kerrin • Pezzulo, Dominick • Pezzuti, Kaleen Elizabeth • Pfeifer, Kevin • Pham, Tu-Anh • Phelan, Kenneth John • Philip, Sneha Anne • Piantieri, Suzette Eugenia • Picarro, Ludwig John • Picerno, Matthew M. • Pick, Joseph Oswald • Pickford, Christopher • Pierce, Dennis J. • Pietronico, Bernard • Pietrunti, Nicholas P. • Pigis, Theodoros • Pinto, Susan Elizabeth • Piskadlo, Joseph • Pitman, Christopher Todd • Piver, Joshua Michael • Plumitallo, Joseph • Pocasangre Debarrera, Ana Gloria • Pocher, John • Pohlmann, William Howard • Polatsch, Laurence • Polhemus, Thomas H. • Pollicino, Steve • Pollio, Susan M. • Poptean, Joshua Iousa • Porras, Giovanna • Portillo, Anthony • Potorti, James Edward • Pouletsos, Daphne • Poulos, Richard N. • Poulos, Stephen Emanual • Powell, Brandon Jerome • Powell, Shawn Edward • Pratt, Antonio Dorsey • Preziose, Gregory M. • Prince, Wanda Ivelisse • Princiotta, Vincent • Prior, Kevin • Proctor, III, Everett Martin • Progen, Carrie Beth • Pruim, David Lee • Prunty, Richard • Puckett, John Foster • Pugliese, Robert David • Pullis, Edward F. • Puma, Patricia Ann • Puopolo, Sonia M • Puttur, Hemanth Kumar • Pykon, Edward R. • Quackenbush, Christopher • Qualben, Lars Peter • Quappe, Lincoln • Quigley IV, Patrick J. • Quigley, Beth Ann • Quilty, Michael • Quinn, James Francis • Quinn, Ricardo J.RRabalais Carol Millicent • Racaniello, Christopher Peter A. • Ragaglia, Leonard J. • Raggio, Eugene • Ragonese-Snik, Laura Marie • Ragusa, Michael Paul • Raimondi, Peter Frank • Raines, Harry A • Raja, Ehtesham • Raju, Valsa • Rall, Edward Joseph • Rambousek, Lukas • Ramirez, Maria • Ramos, Harry • Ramsaroop, Vishnoo • Ramzey, Lorenzo E. • Rancke, Alfred Todd • Rand, Adam David • Randall, Jonathan C. • Ranganath, Srinivasa Shreyas • Ransom, Anne T. • Rapoport, Faina Aronovna • Rasmussen, Robert A. • Rasool, Amenia • Rasweiler, Roger Mark • Rathkey, David Alan • Raub, William Ralph • Rauzi, Gerard P. • Razuvaev, Alexey • Reda, Gregory • Redheffer, Sarah Anne • Reed, Michele Marie • Reese, Judith Ann • Regan, Donald J • Regan, Robert M. • Regan, Thomas Michael • Regenhard, Christian Michael Otto • Reich, Howard • Reidy, Gregg • Reilly, James Brian • Reilly, Kevin O. • Reilly, Timothy E. • Reina, Jr., Joseph • Reinig, Thomas Barnes • Reisman, Frank Bennett • Reiss, Joshua Scott • Renda, Karen • Reo, John Armand • Rescorla, Richard Cyril • Resta, John Thomas • Retik, David E. • Revilla, Luis Clodoaldo • Reyes Jr., Eduvigis • Reynolds, Bruce Albert • Rhodes, John Frederick • Riccardelli, Francis Saverio • Riccio, Rudolph N. • Riccoboni, Ann Marie • Rice, David H • Rice, Eileen Mary • Rice, III, Kenneth Frederick • Richard, Vernon Allan • Richards, Claude Daniel • Richards, Gregory David • Richards, Michael • Richards, Venesha Orintia • Riches, James C. • Richman, Alan Jay • Rigo, John M • Rimmele III, Frederick Charles • Risco, Theresa • Riso, Rose Mary • Rivas, Moises N. • Rivelli, Joseph • Rivera, Carmen Alicia • Rivera, Isaias • Rivera, Juan William • Rivera, Linda Ivelisse • Rivers, David E. • Riverso, Joseph R. • Rizza, Paul V • Rizzo, John Frank • Roach, Stephen Louis • Roberto, Joseph • Roberts, Leo Arthur • Roberts, Michael Edward • Roberts, Michael Edward • Robertson, Jr., Donald Walter • Robinson, Catherina • Robinson, Jeffery • Robotham, Michell Lee Jean • Robson, Donald A. • Rocha, Antonio A • Rocha, Raymond James • Rockefeller, Laura • Rodak, John • Rodrigues, Antonio J • Rodriguez, Anthony • Rodriguez, Carmen Milagros • Rodriguez, Gregory Ernesto • Rodriguez, Marsha A. • Rodriguez, Mayra Valdes • Rodriguez, Richard • Rodriguez-Vargas, David Bartolo • Rogan, Matthew • Roger, Jean Destrehan • Rogers, Karlie Barbara • Rohner, Scott William • Roma, Keith • Romagnolo, Joseph M. • Romero, Elvin • Romero, Sr., Efrain • Romito, James A. • Rooney, Sean Paul • Ropiteau, Eric Thomas • Rosario Wakeford, Wendy Alice • Rosario, Aida • Rosario, Angela • Rosen, Mark • Rosenbaum, Brooke David • Rosenbaum, Linda • Rosenbaum, Sheryl Lynn • Rosenberg, Lloyd Daniel • Rosenberg, Mark Louis • Rosenblum, Andrew Ira • Rosenblum, Joshua M. • Rosenthal, Joshua Alan • Rosenthal, Richard David • Rosenzweig, Philip Martin • Rosetti, Daniel • Ross, Richard Barry • Rossinow, Norman S. • Rossomando, Nicholas P. • Rothberg, Michael Craig • Rothenberg, Donna Marie • Roux, James Michael • Rowe, Nicholas • Roy, Sr., Timothy Alan • Ruback, Paul G. • Ruben, Ronald J. • Rubino, Joanne • Ruddle, David M. • Ruggiere, Bart Joseph • Ruggiero, Susan A. • Ruhalter, Adam Keith • Ruiz Diaz, Obdulio • Ruiz, Gilbert • Russell, Stephen P • Russin, Steven Harris • Russo, Sr., Michael Thomas • Russo, Wayne Alan • Ryan Jr., John Joseph • Ryan, Edward • Ryan, Jonathan Stephan • Ryan, Matthew Lancelot • Ryjova, Tatiana • Ryook, ChristinaSungaSSaada, Thierry • Sabbag, Jason Elazar • Sabella, Thomas E. • Saber, Scott • Sacerdote, Joseph Francis • Sachs, Jessica Leigh • Sadocha, Francis John • Safi, Jude • Safronoff, Brock Joel • Saiya, Edward • Salamone, John Patrick • Salas, Hernando • Salas, Juan G. • Salcedo, Esmerlin Antonio • Salerno, Jr., John Salvatore • Salie, Rahma • Salinardi, Jr., Richard L. • Saloman, Wayne John • Salomon, Nolbert • Salter, Catherine Patricia • Salvaterra, Frank • Salvio, Paul Richard • Salvo, Jr., Samuel Robert • Samaniego, Carlos Alberto • Sam-Dinnoo, Rena • Samuel, Jr., James Kenneth • San Phillip, Michael • San Pio, Sylvia • Sanay, Hugo M. • Sanchez, Jacquelyn Patrice • Sanchez, Jesus • Sanchez, Raymond • Sand, Eric M • Sanders, Stacey Leigh • Sandler, Herman S • Sands, Jr., James • Santiago, Ayleen J. • Santiago, Kirsten • Santillan, Maria Theresa • Santo, Susan Gayle • Santora, Christopher • Santore, John A • Santoro, Mario L. • Santos III, Rufino Conrado Flores • Santos, Rafael Humberto • Saracini, Victor J. • Sarkar, Kalyan • Sarker, Chapelle R. • Sarle, Paul F. • Sattaluri, Deepika Kumar • Saucedo, Gregory Thomas • Sauer, Susan M • Savas, Anthony • Savinkin, Vladimir • Sayegh, Jackie • Sbarbaro, John Michael • Scandole, Jr., Robert L. • Scarpitta, Michelle • Scauso, Dennis • Schardt, John Albert • Scharf, 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Mohammed • Shamay, Gary • Shanahan, Earl Richard • Shastri, Neil • Shatzoff, Kathryn Anne • Shaw, Barbara A. • Shaw, Jeffrey James • Shay, Jr., Robert John • Shea, Daniel James • Shea, Joseph Patrick • Shearer, Mary Kathleen • Shearer, Robert M. • Sheehan, Linda • Shefi, Hagay • Sherry, John Anthony • Shiratori, Atsushi • Shubert, Thomas Joseph • Shulman, Mark • Shum, See Wong • Shwartzstein, Allan Abraham • Sigmund, Johanna • Signer, Dianne T • Sikorsky, Gregory • Siller, Stephen Gerard • Silver, David • Silverstein, Craig A. • Simjee, Nasima Hameed • Simmons, Bruce Edward • Simon, Arthur • Simon, Kenneth Alan • Simon, Michael J. • Simon, Paul Joseph • Simone, Marianne Teresa • Simowitz, Barry • Simpkin, Jane Louise • Simpson, Jeff Lyal • Singh, Khamladai K. • Singh, Roshan Ramesh • Sinton, III, Thomas E • Siracuse, Peter A. • Siskopoulos, Muriel Fay • Sisolak, Joseph Michael • Skala, John P. • Skidmore, Jr., Francis Joseph • Skinner, Toyena Corliss • Skrzypek, Paul A. • Slattery, Christopher Paul • Slavin, Vincent Robert • Sliwak, Robert F. • Sloan, Paul K. • Smagala, Jr, Stanley S • Small, Wendy L. • Smith, Catherine • Smith, Daniel Laurence • Smith, George Eric • Smith, Heather Lee • Smith, James Gregory • Smith, Jeffrey R. • Smith, Joyce Patricia • Smith, Jr, Leon • Smith, Karl T • Smith, Kevin Joseph • Smith, Moira Ann • Smith, Rosemary A. • Smithwick, Bonnie Jeanne • Snell, Rochelle Monique • Snyder, Dianne Bullis • Snyder, Jr., Leonard J. • Sohan, Astrid Elizabeth • Solanki, Sushil S. • Solares, Ruben • Solomon, Naomi Leah • Song, Daniel W. • Sorresse, Michael Charles • Soto, Fabian • Soulas, Timothy Patrick • Spagnoletti, Gregory • Spampinato, Jr., Donald F. • Sparacio, Thomas • Spataro, John Anthony • Spear, Jr., Robert W. • Spence, Jr., Maynard S. • Spencer, III, George Edward • Spencer, Robert Andrew • Sperando, Mary Rubina • Spinelli, Frank • Spitz, William E. • Spor, Joseph Patrick • Sprockamp, Klaus Johannes • Srinuan, Saranya • St. Rose, Fitzroy • 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Otto • Castano, Alejandro • Castillo, Arcelia • Castrianno, Leonard M. • Castro, Jose Ramon • Catarelli, Richard G. • Caton, Christopher Sean • Caufield, Robert John • Caulfield, Mary Teresa • Cavalier, Judson • Cawley, Michael Joseph • Cayne, Jason David • Ceballos, Juan Armando • Cefalu, Jason Michael • Celic, Thomas Joseph • Centeno, Ana Mercedes • Cesta, Joni • Chairnoff, Jeffrey Marc • Chalasani, Swarna • Chalcoff, William • Chalouh, Eli • Chan, Charles Lawrence • Chang, Mandy • Charette, Mark Lawrence • Bordenabe, Krystine • Boryczewski, Martin • Bosco, Richard Edward • Bothe, Klaus • Bouchard, Carol Marie • Boulton, John H • Bourdier, Francisco Eligio • Bowden, Jr., Thomas Harold • Bowers, Kimberly S • Bowers, Veronique Nicole • Bowman, Jr., Shawn Edward • Bowman, Larry • Bowser, Kevin L. • Box, Gary R. • Boyarsky, Gennady • Boyce, Pamela • Boyle, Michael • Braca, Alfred • Bracken, Kevin Hugh • Brady, David Brian • Braginsky, Alexander • Brandemarti, Nicholas W • Brandhorst, Daniel Raymond • Brandhorst, David Reed Gamboa • Bratton, Michelle Renee • Braut, Patrice • Bravo, Lydia E. • Breitweiser, Ronald Michael • Brennan III, Edward A. • Brennan, Francis Henry • Brennan, Michael E. • Brennan, Peter • Brennan, Thomas M. • Brethel, Daniel J. • Bright, Gary Lee • Briley, Jonathan • Brisman, Mark A. • Bristow, Paul Gary • Broderick, Mark Francis • Broghammer, Herman Charles • Broomfield, Keith A • Brown, Janice Juloise • Brown, Lloyd Stanford • Brown, Patrick J. • Browne, Bettina • Bruce, Mark • Bruehert, Richard George • Brunn, Andrew • Brunton, Vincent Edward • Bucca, Ronald Paul • Buchanan, Brandon J. • Buck, Gregory Joseph • Buckley, Dennis • Bueche, Nancy Clare • Buhse, Patrick Joseph • Bulaga, Jr., John Edward • Bunin, Stephen • Burke, Jr., William Francis • Burke, Matthew J. • Burke, Thomas Daniel • Burns, Donald J. • Burns, Kathleen Anne • Burns, Keith James • Burnside, John Patrick • Buslo, Irina • Bustillo, Milton G • Butler, Thomas M. • Byrne, Patrick Dennis • Byrne, Timothy GCCabezas, Jesus Neptali • Caceres, Lillian • Cachia, Brian Joseph • Cafiero, Jr., Steven Dennis • Caggiano, Richard M. • Caguicla, Cecile Marella • Chavez, Gregorio Manuel • Cheatham, Delrose E. • Checo, Pedro Francisco • Cherry, Douglas MacMillan • Cherry, Stephen Patrick • Cherry, Vernon Paul • Chevalier, Nestor • Chevalier, Swede • Chiang, Alexander H • Chiarchiaro, Dorothy J. • Chimbo, Luis Alfonso • Chin, Robert • Ching, Wing Wai • Chiofalo, Nicholas Paul • Chipura, John Gerard • Chirchirillo, Peter A. • Chirls, Catherine • Cho, Kyung Hee • Chowdhury, Abul K. • Chowdhury, Mohammad Salahuddin • Christophe, Kirsten L • Chu, Pamela • Chucknick, Steven Paul • Chung, Wai • Ciafardini, Christopher • Ciccone, Alex F. • Cilente, Frances Ann • Cillo, Elaine • Cintron III, Nestor Andre • Cintron, Edna • Cirri, Robert Dominick • Cisneros, Juan Pablo • Clark, Benjamin Keefe • Clark, Eugene • Clark, Gregory Alan • Clark, Mannie Leroy • Clark, Thomas R • Clarke, Christopher Robert • Clarke, Donna Marie • Clarke, Michael J. • Clarke, Suria Rachel Emma • Cleary, Kevin Francis • Cleere, James D • Cloud, Geoffrey W. • Clyne, Susan Marie • Coakley, Steven • Coale, Jeffrey Alan • Cody, Patricia A. • Coffey, Daniel Michael • Coffey, Jason M. • Cohen, Florence G. • Cohen, Kevin Sanford • Coladonato, Anthony Joseph • Colaio, Mark Joseph • Colaio, Stephen • Colasanti, Christopher M. • Colbert, Kevin Nathaniel • Colbert, Michel P. • Coleman, Keith E. • Coleman, Scott Thomas • Coleman, Tarel • Colhoun, Liam Joseph • Colin, Robert D • Coll, Robert J. • Collin, Jean Marie • Collins, John Michael • Collins, Michael L. • Collins, Thomas J • Collison, Joseph K • Collman, Jeffrey Dwayne • Colodner, Patricia Malia • Colon, Linda M. • Colon, Sol E. • Comer, Ronald Edward • Conaty Brace, Sandra Jolane • Concepcion, Jaime • Conde, Albert • Conley, Denease • Conlon, Susan P • Conner, Margaret Mary • Connolly, Cynthia Marie Lise • Connolly, Jr, John E. • Connor, James Lee • Connors, Jonathan M. • Connors, Kevin Patrick • Conroy, Kevin F. • Conway, Brenda E. • Cook, Dennis Michael • Cook, Helen D. • Coombs, Jeffrey W. • Cooper, John A • Coppo, Jr., Joseph John • Coppola, Gerard J. • Corbett, Joseph Albert • Corcoran, III, John J. • Cordero, Alejandro • Cordice, Robert Joseph • Correa, Ruben D. • Correa-Gutierrez, Danny A. • Corrigan, James J. • Cortes, Carlos • Cosgrove, Kevin • Costa, Dolores Marie • Costanza, Digna Alexandra • Costello Jr., Charles Gregory • Costello, Michael S • Cottoy, Conrod K • Coughlan, Martin John • Coughlin, John Gerard • Coughlin, Timothy J • Cove, James E. • Cox, Andre • Cox, Frederick John • Coyle, James Raymond • Coyle-Eulau, Michele • Cramer, Anne Marie • Cramer, Christopher Seton • Crant, Denise Elizabeth • Crawford, Jr., James Leslie • Crawford, Robert James • Creamer, Tara Kathleen • Cregan, Joanne Mary • Crifasi, Lucy • Crisci, John A • Crisman, Daniel Hal • Cross, Dennis • Crotty, Kevin Raymond • Crotty, Thomas G • Crowe, John • Crowther, Welles Remy • Cruikshank, Robert L • Cruz, John Robert • Cua, Grace Yu • Cubas, Kenneth John • Cubero, Francisco Cruz • Cuccinello, Thelma • Cudina, Richard J. • Cudmore, Neil James • Cullen lll, Thomas Patrick • Cummings, Joyce • Cummins, Brian Thomas • Cunningham, Michael Joseph • Curatolo, Robert • Curia, Laurence Damian • Curioli, Paul Dario • Currivan, Patrick Joseph • Curry Green, Andrew Peter Charles • Curry, Beverly • Curtin, Michael Sean • Cushny, Gavin D Da Mota, Manuel John • Dack, Caleb Arron • DaCosta, Carlos S. • Dale, Brian Paul • D’Allara, John • D’Amadeo, Vincent Gerard • Damaskinos, Thomas A. • D’Ambrosi, Jack • Damiani-Jones, Jeannine Marie • Danahy, Patrick W. • D’Antonio, Mary • Danz, Vincent • Darcy, Dwight Donald • Darling, Elizabeth Ann • Dataram, Annette Andrea • D’Atri, Edward A. • D’Auria, Michael D. • Davidson, Lawrence • Davidson, Michael Allen • Davidson, Scott Matthew • Davidson, Titus • Davila, Niurka • Davis, Clinton • 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Edward • Desperito, Andrew • D’Esposito, Michael Jude • Deuel, Cindy Ann • Devito, Jerry • Devitt, Jr., Robert P. • Devlin, Dennis Lawrence • Dewan, Gerard • Dhanani, Sulemanali Kassamali • Di Chiaro, Patricia Florence • Di Martino, Debra Ann • DiAgostino, Michael Louis • Diaz, Matthew • Diaz, Nancy • Diaz-Piedra III, Michael A • Diaz-Sierra, Judith Berquis • Dickey, Jr., Joseph Dermot • Dickinson, Lawrence Patrick • Diehl, Michael D. • Difato, John • Difazio, Vincent • DiFranco, Carl Anthony • Difranco, Donald • Dimeglio, David • Dimino, Stephen Patrick • Dimmling, William John • DiNardo Schorpp, Marisa • Dincuff, Christopher M • Dingle, Jeffrey Mark • Dionisio, Anthony • DiPasquale, George • Dipilato, Joseph • DiStefano, Douglas Frank • Ditullio, Donald Americo • Doany, Ramzi A. • Doherty, John Joseph • Doi, Melissa C. • Dolan, Brendan • Dollard, Neil Matthew • Domanico, James Joseph • Domingo, Benilda Pascua • Dominguez, Alberto • Dominguez, Carlos • Dominguez, Jerome Mark Patrick • Donnelly, Kevin W. • Donovan, Jacqueline • Dorf, Stephen Scott • Dowd, Thomas • Dowdell, Kevin Christopher • Dowling, Mary Yolanda • Downey, Raymond Mathew • Doyle, Frank Joseph • Doyle, Joseph Michael • Drake, Randall L. • Driscoll, Stephen Patrick • Duarte, Mirna A. • Dudek, Luke A. • Duffy, Christopher Michael • Duffy, Gerard • Duffy, Michael Joseph • Duffy, Thomas W. • Duger, Antoinette • Dukat, Sareve • Dunne, Christopher Joseph • Dunstan, Richard Anthony • Dwyer, PatrickThomasEEacobacci, Joseph Anthony • Eagleson, John Bruce • Eaton, Robert Douglas • Eberling, Dean Phillip • Echtermann, Margaret Ruth • Eckna, Paul Robert • Economos, Constantine • Edwards, Dennis Michael • Edwards, Michael Hardy • Egan Jr., Martin J. • Egan, Christine • Egan, Lisa • Egan, Michael • Egan, Samantha Martin • Eggert, Carole • Ehrlich, Lisa Caren • Eichler, John Ernst • Eisenberg, Eric Adam • Elder, Daphne Ferlinda • Elferis, Michael J • Ellis, Mark Joseph • Ellis, Valerie Silver • Elmarry, Albert Alfy William • Emery, Jr., Edgar Hendricks • Eng, Doris Suk-Yuen • Epps, Christopher • Ericson, Ulf Ramm • Erker, Erwin L. • Erwin, William John • Escarcega, Sarah Ali • Espinal, Jose • Espinoza, Fanny • Esposito, Bridget Ann • Esposito, Francis • Esposito, Michael • Esposito, William • Esquilin, Jr., Ruben • Ette, Sadie • Etzold, Barbara G. • Evans, Eric Brian • Evans, Robert Edward • Ewart, Meredith Emily June • Fagan, Catherine K. • Fagan, Patricia Mary • Fairben, Keith George • Fajardo-Smith, Sandra • Fallon, Jr., William Lawrence • Fallon, William F • Fallone, Jr., Anthony J • Fanelli, Dolores Brigitte • Fangman, Robert John • Fanning, John Joseph • Faragher, Kathleen Anne • Farino, Thomas James • Farley, Nancy Carole • Farley-Hackel, Paige Marie • Farmer, Elizabeth Ann • Farnum, Douglas Jon • Farrell, John • Farrell, John W. • Farrell, Terrence Patrick • Farrelly, Joseph D. • Farrelly, Thomas Patrick • Fatha, Syed Abdul • Faughnan, Christopher Edward • Faulkner, Wendy R. • Fava, Shannon Marie • Favuzza, Bernard D • Fazio, Jr., Robert • Fazio, Ronald Carl • Feehan, William • Feely, Francis Jude • Feeney, Garth Erin • Fegan, Sean B. • Fehling, Lee S. • Feidelberg, Peter Adam • Feinberg, Alan D. • Feliciano, Rosa Maria • Fergus, Jr., Edward Thomas • Ferguson, George III • Fernandez, Henry • Fernandez, Judy Hazel • Fernandez, Julio • Ferraina, Elisa Giselle • Ferreira, Anne Marie Sallerin • Ferris, Robert John • Ferrugio, David Francis • Fersini, Louis V • Ferugio, Michael David • Fetchet, Bradley James • Fialko, Jennifer Louise • Fiedel, Kristen Nicole • Fields, Samuel • Filipov, Alexander Milan • Finnegan, Michael Bradley • Finnerty, Timothy J. • Fiore, Michael Curtis • Fiorelli, Sr., Stephen • Fiori, Paul M. • Fiorito, John B • Fischer, John R • Fisher, Andrew • Fisher, Bennett Lawson • Fisher, John Roger • Fisher, Thomas J. • Fishman, Lucy A. • Fitzgerald, Ryan D. • Fitzpatrick, Thomas James • Fitzsimons, Richard P. • Fiumefreddo, Salvatore • Flannery, Christina Donovan • Flecha, Eileen • Fletcher, Andre G. • Flickinger, Carl M • Florio, John Joseph • Flounders, Joseph Walken • Flyzik, Carol Ann • Fodor, David • Fodor, Michael N. • Fogel, Stephen Mark • Foley, Thomas • Fontana, David J • Foo, Chih Min • Forde, Godwin • Foreman, Donald A • Forsythe, Christopher Hugh • Foster, Claudia Alicia • Foster, Noel John • Fosteris, Ana • Foti, Robert Joseph • Fox, Jeffrey • Fox, Virginia • Francis, Pauline • Francis, Virgin • Frank, Gary Jay • Frank, Morton H. • Frank, Peter Christopher • Fraser, Richard K. • Frawley, Kevin J. • Frazier, Jr., Clyde • Frederick, Lillian Inez • Fredricks, Andrew • Freeman, Tamitha • Freiman, Brett Owen • Freund, Peter L • Fried, Arlene Eva • Friedlander, Alan Wayne • Friedman, Andrew Keith • Friedman, Paul J • Froehner, Gregg J. • Frost, Lisa Anne • Fry, Peter Christian • Fumando, Clement A. • Furman, Steven Elliot • Furmato, Paul James • Fyfe, Karleton D.B.GGabler, Fredric Neal • Gabrielle, Richard Samuel Federick • Gadiel, James Andrew • Gaff, Pamela Lee • Gailliard, Ervin Vincent • Galante, Deanna Lynn • Galante, Grace Catherine • Gallagher, Anthony Edward • Gallagher, Daniel James • Gallagher, John Patrick • Galletti, Lourdes • Gallo, Cono E. • Gallucci, Vincenzo • Galvin, Thomas E. • Gambale, Giovanna Galletta • Gambino Jr., Thomas • Gamboa, Giann Franco • Gamboa, Ronald • Ganci, Peter • Gann, Claude Michael • Garbarini, Charles William • Garcia, Cesar R. • Garcia, David • Garcia, Juan • Garcia, Marlyn Del Carmen • Gardner III, Harvey J. • Gardner, Christopher S. • Gardner, Douglas Benjamin • Gardner, Jeffrey Brian • Gardner, Thomas A. • Gardner, William Arthur • Garfi, Francesco • Gargano, Rocco Nino • Gartenberg, James M. • Garvey, Matthew David • Gary, Bruce • Gatton, Boyd Alan • Gavagan Jr., Donald Richard • Gay, Peter Alan • Gazzani, Terence D. • Geidel, Gary Paul • Geier, Paul Hamilton • Geis, Julie M. • Gelinas, Peter G. • Geller, Steven Paul • Gelling, Howard G. • Genco, Jr., Peter Victor • Genovese, Steven Gregory • Gentul, Alayne • George, Linda M. • Geraghty, Edward F • Geraty, Suzanne • Gerhardt, Ralph • Gerlich, Robert • Germain, Denis P. • Gertsberg, Marina Romanovna • Getzendanner, Susan M. • Geyer, James G. • Giaccone, Joseph M. • Giammona, Vincent Francis • Gibbon, Debra Lynn • Giberson, James Andrew • Gibson, Craig Neil • Gies, Ronnie E • Giglio, Laura A. • Gilbert, Andrew Clive • Gilbert, Timothy Paul • Gilbey, Paul Stuart • Gill, Paul John • Gilles, Mark Y. • Gillette, Evan • Gilligan, Ronald Lawrence • Gillis, Rodney C. • Gilly, Laura • Ginley, John F. • Giordano, Donna Marie • Giordano, Jeffrey John • Giordano, John • Giorgetti, Steven A. • Giovinazzo, Martin • Girolamo, Kum-Kum • Gitto, Salvatore • Giugliano, Cynthia • Gjonbalaj, Mon • Gladstone, Dianne • Glascoe, Keith Alexander • Glasser, Thomas Irwin • Glazer, Edmund • Glenn, Harry • Glick, Barry H. • Glick, Steven • Gnazzo, John T. • Godshalk, William Robert • Gogliormella, Michael • Goldberg, Brian Fredric • Goldflam, Jeffrey Grant • Goldstein, Michelle • Goldstein, Monica • Goldstein, Steven • Golkin, Andrew H. • Gomes, Dennis James • Gomez, Enrique Antonio • Gomez, Jose Bienvenido • Gomez, Jr., Manuel • Gomez, Wilder Alfredo • Gonzalez, Jenine Nicole • Gonzalez, Mauricio • Gonzalez, Rosa • Goodchild, Lynn Catherine • Gooding, Calvin J. • Goodrich, Peter M. • Goody, Harry • Gopu, Kiran Reddy • Gorayeb, Catherine C. • Gordenstein, Lisa Reinhart • Gordon, Kerene • Gorki, Sebastian • Gorman, Kieran Joseph • Gorman, Thomas Edward • Gould, Michael Edward • Gowell, Douglas Alan • Goya, Yuji • Grabowski, Jon Richard • Grady, Christopher Michael • Graf III, Edwin J. • Graifman, David Martin • Granados, Gilbert Franco • Granitto, Elvira • Grant, Winston Arthur • Gray, Christopher S. • Gray, James Michael • Gray, Tara McCloud • Grayling, Linda Catherine • Grazioso, John M • Grazioso, Timothy George • Green, Derrick Auther • Green, Wade B. • Greenberg, Elaine Myra • Greene, Gayle R • Greenleaf, Jr., James Arthur • Greenstein, Eileen Marsha • Gregg, Elizabeth Martin • Gregory, Denise • Gregory, Donald H • Gregory, Florence Moran • Grehan, Pedro • Griffin, John Michael • Griffin, Tawanna Sherry • Griffith, Joan Donna • Grifka, Warren • Grijalvo, Ramon • Grillo, Joseph F. • Grimner, David Joseph • Grogan, Francis Edward • Grouzalis, Kenneth George • Grzelak, Joseph • Grzymalski, Matthew James • Gschaar, Robert Joseph • Gu, Liming • Guadalupe, Jose A. • Guan, Cindy Yan Zhu • Guja, Geoffrey E • Gullickson, Joseph Peter • Guman, Babita Girjamatie • Gurian, Douglas Brian • Gustafson, Janet Ruth • Guza, Philip T. • Guzzardo, Barbara • Gyulavary, Peter M.HHaag, Gary Robert • Haberman, Andrea Lyn • Habib, Barbara Mary • Haentzler, Philip • Hafiz, Nezam A. • Hagerty, Karen Elizabeth • Hagis, Steven Michael • Hague, Mary Lou • Halderman, David • Hale, Maile Rachel • Hall, Richard B. • Hall, Vaswald George • Halligan, Robert J. • Halloran, Vincent Gerard • Halvorson, James Douglas • Hamdani, Mohammad Salman • Hamilton, Felicia • Hamilton, Robert W. • Hammond, Jr., Carl Max • Han, Frederic K • Hanley, Christopher J. • Hanley, Sean S • Hanna, Valerie Joan • Hannafin, Thomas • Hannaford, Kevin James • Hannan, Michael Lawrence • Hannon, Dana R. • Hanson, Christine Lee • Hanson, Peter Burton • Hanson, Sue Kim • Haramis, Vassilios G. • Haran, James A. • Hardacre, Gerald Francis • Hardy, Jeffrey Pike • Hargrave, Timothy John • Harlin, Daniel Edward • Haros, Frances • Harrell, Harvey L. • Harrell, Stephen G • Harrington, Melissa Marie • Harris, Aisha Anne • Harris, Stewart Dennis • Hart, John Patrick • Hartono, Eric • Hartz, John Clinton • Harvey, Emeric • Hashem, Peter Paul • Haskell, Jr., Thomas Theodore • Haskell, Timothy • Hasson III, Joseph John • Hatton, Leonard W. • Hatton, Terence S • Haub, Michael Helmut • Haviland, Timothy Aaron • Havlish, Jr., Donald G. • Hawkins, Anthony Maurice • Hayatsu, Nobuhiro • Hayden, James Edward • Hayes, Philip • Hayes, Robert Jay • Haynes, William Ward • Hazelcorn, Scott Jordan • Healey, Michael K. • Heber, Roberta B. • Heeran, Charles Francis Xavier • Heffernan, John F. • Heller, Jr., Howard Joseph • Heltibridle, Joann L. • Hemschoot, Mark F. • Henderson, Ronnie Lee • Hennessey, Brian • Hennessy Jr., Edward R. • Henrique, Michelle Marie • Henry, Joseph Patrick • Henry, William • Henwood, John Christopher • Hepburn, Robert Allan • Herencia, Mary • Herkness III, Lindsay C. • Hermer, Harvey Robert • Hernandez, Claribel • Hernandez, Nuberto • Hernandez, Raul • Herold, Gary • Hersch, Jeffrey A. • Hetzel, Thomas • Hickey, Brian Christopher • Hidalgo Cedeno, Enemencio Dario • Higgins, Timothy • Higley II, Robert D. W. • Hill, Todd Russell • Hinds, Clara Victorine • Hinds, Neal O • Hindy, Mark D • Hirai, Katsuyuki • Ho, Heather Malia • Hobbs, Tara Yvette • Hobbs, Thomas Anderson • Hobin, James J. • Hobson, Robert Wayne • Hodges, DaJuan • Hoerner, Ronald George • Hoey, Patrick A. • Hofer, John A. • Hoffman, Marcia • Hoffman, Stephen G. • Hoffmann, Frederick Joseph • Hoffmann, Michele L • Hofmiller, Judith Florence • Hohlweck, Jr., Thomas Warren • Hohmann, Jonathan R. • Holland, Cora Hidalgo • Holland, John • Holland, Joseph F • Holmes, Elizabeth • Holohan, Thomas • Homer, Herbert Wilson • Hoorn, Bradley Van • Hopper, James P. • Hord, Montgomery McCullough • Horn, Michael Joseph • Horning, Matthew Douglas • Horohoe, Jr., Robert L • Horrocks, Michael Robert • Horwitz, Aaron • Houston, Charles • Houston, Uhuru G • Howard, George • Howell, Michael C • Howell, Steven Leon • Howley, Jennifer L. • Hromada, Milagros • Hrycak, Marian R. • Huczko, Jr., Stephen • Hughes, Jr., Robert T. • Hughes, Kris Robert • Hughes, Paul Rexford • Hughes, Thomas • Hughes, Timothy Robert • Huie, Susan • Hulse, Lamar • Humber, Jr., John Nicholas • Hunt, William Christopher • Hunt-Casey, Kathleen Anne • Hunter, Joseph Gerard • Hussa, Robert R • Hynes, Thomas Edward • Hynes, Walter G.IIanelli, Joseph Anthony • Ibis, Zuhtu • Ielpi, Jonathan Lee • Iken, Michael • Ilkanayev, Daniel • Ill, Jr., Frederick • Ilowitz, Abraham Nethanel • Infante, Jr., Anthony P. • Inghilterra, Jr., Louis S • Ingrassia, Christopher Noble • Innella, Paul • Irby, Stephanie Veronica • Irgang, Douglas Jason • Irvine Ryan, Kristin A. • Isaac, Todd Antione • Isbrandtsen, Erik • Ishikawa, Taizo • Iskandar, Waleed Joseph • Iskenderian, Jr., Aram • Iskyan, John F • Ito, Kazushige • Ivantsov, Aleksandr ValeryevichJJablonski, Virginia May • Jackman, Brooke Alexandra • Jacobs, Aaron Jeremy • Jacobs, Ariel Louis • Jacobs, Jason Kyle • Jacobs, Michael Grady • Jacobson, Steven A. • Jaggernauth, Ricknauth • Jagoda, Jake Denis • Jain, Yudh Vir Singh • Jakubiak, Maria • Jalbert, Robert Adrien • James, Ernest • James, Gricelda E. • Jardim, Mark Steven • Jarret, Amy N • Jawara, Muhammadou • Jean-Pierre, Francois • Jean-Pierre, Maxima • Jeffers, Paul Edward • Jeffries Sanchez, Alva Cynthia • Jenkins, John Charles • Jenkins, Jr., Joseph • Jensen, Alan Keith • Jerath, Prem N. • Jeudy, Farah • Jian, Hweidar • Jimenez, Jr., Eliezer • Jimenez, Jr., Luis • John, Charles Gregory • John, Nicholas • Johnson, LaShawna • Johnson, Scott Michael • Johnston, William R. • Jones III, Arthur Joseph • Jones, Allison Horstmann • Jones, Brian Leander • Jones, Charles Edward • Jones, Christopher D. • Jones, Donald T. • Jones, Donald W. • Dunn-Jones, Felicia • Jones, Linda • Jones, Mary S. • Jordan, Andrew B. • Jordan, Robert Thomas • Joseph, Albert Gunnis • Joseph, Ingeborg • Joseph, Karl Henry • Joseph, Stephen • Josiah, Jane Eileen • Jovic, Anthony • Juarbe, Jr., Angel L. • Juday, Karen Sue • Judge, Mychal F. • Jurgens, Paul William • Jurgens, ThomasEdwardKKadaba, Shashikiran Lakshmikantha • Kamardinova, Gavkharoy • Kandell, Shari • Kane, Howard Lee • Kane, Jennifer Lynn • Kane, Vincent D • Kang, Joon Koo • Kanter, Sheldon Robert • Kaplan, Deborah H. • Kaplan, Robin Lynne • Kappelmann, Jr., Alvin Peter • Karczewski, Charles • Karnes, William A. • Karpiloff, Douglas Gene • Kasper, Charles L. • Kates, Andrew K • Katsimatides, John • Kaulfers, Robert Michael • Kauth, Jr., Don Jerome • Kawauchi, Hideya • Keane, Edward T. • Keane, Richard M. • Kearney-Griffin, Lisa Yvonne • Keasler, Karol Ann • Keating, Barbara A. • Keating, Paul Hanlon • Keene III, Leo Russell • Keller, Joseph John • Kellerman, Peter R • Kellett, Joseph P. • Kelley, Jr., Frederick H. • Kelly, James Joseph • Kelly, Joseph A. • Kelly, Jr., Richard John • Kelly, Jr., William Hill • Kelly, Maurice P. • Kelly, Thomas Michael • Kelly, Thomas Richard • Kelly, Thomas W • Kelly, Timothy Colin • Kennedy, Robert Clinton • Kennedy, Thomas J. • Keohane, John R • Kershaw, Ralph Francis • Kerwin, Ronald T. • Kestenbaum, Howard L • Ketcham, Douglas D. • Ketler, Ruth Ellen • Khalif, Boris • Khan, Sarah • Khan, Taimour Firaz • Khandelwal, Rajesh • Khoo, SeiLai • Kiefer, Michael Vernon • Kikuchihara, Satoshi • Kim, Andrew Jay-Hoon • Kim, Lawrence D. • Kimelman, Mary Jo • Kimmig, Heinrich • King Jr., Robert • King, Amy R. • King, Andrew M. • King, Lucille Teresa • King-Johnson, Lisa • Kinney, Brian K. • Kinoshita, Takashi • Kirby, Chris Michael • Kirschbaum, Howard Barry • Kirwin, Glenn Davis • Kittle, Helen Crossin • Klares, Richard Joseph • Klein, Peter Anton • Kleinberg, Alan David • Klitzman, Karen Joyce • Kloepfer, Ronald Philip • Kniazev, Eugueni • Knox, Andrew • Knox, Thomas Patrick • Koborie, Rebecca Lee • Kobus, Deborah A • Koecheler, Gary Edward • Koestner, Frank J. • Kohart, Ryan • Kolpak, Vanessa Lynn • Kolpakova, Irina • Kondratenko, Suzanne • Kone, Abdoulaye • Koo, Bon Seok • Kopiczko, Dorota • Kopytko, Scott • Kostic, Bojan • Kousoulis, Danielle • Kovalcin, David P • Kren, John J. • Krukowski, William E. • Ksido, Lyudmila • Kumar, Shekhar • Kumpel, Kenneth Bruce • Kuo, Jr., Frederick • Kuras, Patricia • Kushitani, Nauka • Kuveikis, Thomas Joseph • Kwarkye, Victor • Kwok, Kui Fai • Kyte, Angela ReedLLa Corte, Andrew • LaBorie, Kathryn L. • Lachhman, Amarnauth • Ladkat, Ganesh K. • Ladley, James Patrick • Lafalce, Joseph A. • Lafond-Menichino, Jeanette Louise • Laforge, David • Laforte, Michael • LaFrance, Alan Charles • Lafuente, Juan Mendez • Lai, Neil Kwong-Wah • Laieta, Vincent Anthony • Lake, William David • Lalama, Franco • Lam, Chow Kwan • LaMantia, Stephen • Lamonsoff, Amy Hope • Lane, Robert • Lang, Brendan Mark • Lang, Rosanne P. • Langer, Vanessa • Langley, Mary Louise • Langone, Peter J • Langone, Thomas Michael • Lanza, Michele Bernadette • Lapin, Ruth Sheila • LaPlante, Carol Ann • Lariby, Ingeborg • Larkey, Robin Blair • Larocque, Judith Camilla • Larrabee, Christopher Randall • Larry, Hamidou S. • Larsen, Scott • Larson, John Adam • Lasden, Natalie Janis • Lasko, Gary Edward • Lassman, Nicholas Craig • Laszczynski, Paul • Latouche, Jeffrey G • Laurencin, Charles A • Lauria, Stephen James • LaVache, Maria • Lavelle, Denis Francis • LaVerde, Jeannine Mary • Laverty, Anna A. • Lawn, Steven • Lawrence, Robert • Lawson, Nathaniel • Lazar, Eugen Gabriel • Leahy, James Patrick • Leavey, Joseph Gerard • Leavy, Neil Joseph • Leblanc, Robert G. • Lebor, Leon • Ledee, Kenneth Charles • Lederman, Alan J. • Ledesma, Elena F. • Leduc, Alexis • Lee, Daniel John • Lee, David S • Lee, Gary H. • Lee, Hyun Joon • Lee, Juanita • Lee, Kathryn Blair • Lee, Linda C. • Lee, Lorraine Mary • Lee, Myoung Woo • Lee, Richard Y • Lee, Stuart Soo-Jin • Lee, Yang Der • Lefkowitz, Stephen Paul • Legro, Adriana • Lehman, Edward Joseph • Lehrfeld, Eric Andrew • Leistman, David • Lemagne, David Prudencio • Lenihan, Joseph Anthony • Lennon Jr., John Joseph • Lenoir, John Robinson • Leon, Jorge Luis • Leonard, Matthew Gerard • Lepore, Michael • Lesperance, Charles A • Leveen, Jeff • Levi, John Dennis • Levin, Alisha Caren • Levin, Neil David • Levine, Robert • Levine, Robert Michael • Levinhar, Shai • Lewin, Daniel M. • Lewis, Adam Jay • Lewis, Margaret Susan • Liang, Ye Wei • Liangthanasarn, Orasri • Libretti, Daniel F • Licciardi, Ralph • Lichtschein, Edward • Lillianthal, Steven Barry • Lillo, Carlos R. • Lilore, Craig Damian • Lim, Arnold A. • Lin, Darya • Lin, Wei Rong • Lindo, Nickie L • Linehan, Jr., Thomas V. • Linnane, Robert Thomas • Linton, Jr., Alan P. • Lipari, Diane Theresa • Lira, Kenneth P. • Liriano, Francisco Alberto • Lisi, Lorraine • Lisson, Paul • Litto, Vincent M. • Liu, Ming-Hao • Liz, Nancy • Lizcano, Harold • Lizzul, Martin • Llanes, George A. • Logler, Elizabeth C. • Loguidice, Catherine Lisa • Lohez, Jerome Robert • Lomax, Michael William • Longing, Laura Maria • Lopes, Salvatore P • Lopez, Daniel • Lopez, George • Lopez, Jr., Maclovio • Lopez, Luis Manuel • Lopez, Manuel L. • Lostrangio, Joseph • Louie, Chet Dek • Louis, Stuart Seid • Lovero, Joseph • Low Wong, Jenny Seu Kueng • Low, Sara Elizabeth • Lowe, Michael W. • Lozier, Garry W. • Lozowsky, John Peter • Lucania, Charles Peter • Luckett, Edward Hobbs • Ludvigsen, Mark Gavin • Ludwig, Lee Charles • Lugano, Sean Thomas • Lugo, Daniel • Lukas, Marie • Lum, Jr., William • Lunden, Michael P. • Lunder, Christopher Edmund • Luparello, Anthony • Lutnick, Gary Frederick • Luzzicone, Linda Anne • Lygin, Alexander • Lynch, Farrell Peter • Lynch, James Francis • Lynch, Jr., Richard D • Lynch, Jr., Robert Henry • Lynch, Louise A. • Lynch, Michael Cameron • Lynch, Michael Francis • Lynch, Michael Francis • Lynch, Sean P. • Lynch, Sean Patrick • Lyons, Michael J. • Lyons, Monica Anne • Lyons, Patrick J. • Mace, Robert Francis • Macfarlane, Marianne • Maciejewski, Jan • Mackay, Susan A • Macrae, Catherine Fairfax • Madden, Richard Blaine • Maddison, Simon • Maerz, Noell • Maffeo, Jennieann • Maffeo, 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Christine Sheila • McNulty, Sean Peter • McPadden, Robert William • McShane, Terence A. • McSweeney, Timothy Patrick • McWilliams, Martin E. • Medaglia, Rocco A • Medina, Abigail Cales • Medina, Ana Iris • Medwig, Deborah Louise • Meehan, Damian • Meehan, William J. • Mehta, Alok Kumar • Meisenheimer, Raymond • Mejia, Manuel Emilio • Melaku, Eskedar • Melendez, Antonio • Melendez, Mary • Mello, Christopher D • Melnichenko, Yelena • Meltzer, Stuart Todd • Mena, Diarelia Jovanah • Mendez, Charles • Mendoza, Lizette • Mentis, Shevonne Olicia • Menzel, Wolfgang Peter • Mercado, Steve John • Mercer, Wesley • Mercurio, Ralph Joseph • Merdinger, Alan Harvey • Merino, George L. • Merino, Yamel Josefina • Merkouris, George • Merrick, Deborah • Metz III, Raymond Joseph • Metzler, Jill Ann • Meyer, David Robert • Miah, Nurul H. • Micciulli, William Edward • Michelstein, Martin Paul • Milano, Peter Teague • Milanowycz, Gregory • Milewski, Lukasz Tomasz • Millan, Sharon Christina • Miller, Corey Peter • Miller, Craig James • Miller, Douglas Charles • Miller, Joel • Miller, Jr., Henry Alfred • Miller, Jr., Robert Cromwell • Miller, Michael Matthew • Miller, Philip D. • Miller, Robert Alan • Millman, Benjamin • Mills, Charles Morris • Milstein, Ronald Keith • Minara, Robert • Minardi, William George • Minervino, Louis Joseph • Mingione, Thomas • Miraille, Wilbert • Mircovich, Dominick N. • Mirpuri, Rajesh Arjan • Mistrulli, Joseph • Miszkowicz, Susan J. • Mitchell, Paul Thomas • Miuccio, Richard P. • Mladenik, Jeffrey Peter • Moccia, Sr., Frank V. • Modafferi, Louis Joseph • Mohammed, Boyie • Mojica, Dennis • Mojica, Manuel • Molina, Kleber Rolando • Molina, Manuel De Jesus • Molinaro, Carl • Molisani, Justin • Monaghan, Brian • Monahan, Franklin • Monahan, John Gerard • Montanaro, Kristen • Montano, Craig • Montesi, Michael • Montoya Valdes, Antonio Jesus • Montoya, Carlos Alberto • Monyak, Cheryl Ann • Moody, Thomas C. • Moore, Sharon • Moorthy, Krishna V. • Morabito, Laura Lee • Morales, Abner • Morales, Carlos Manuel • Morales, Paula E. • Moran, John Chrisopher • Moran, John Michael • Moran, Kathleen • Morehouse, Lindsay Stapleton • Morell, George • Morello, Steven P. • Morello, Vincent S. • Moreno, Yvette Nicole • Morgan, Dorothy • Morgan, Richard • Morgenstern, Nancy • Mori, Sanae • Morocho Morocho, Leonel Geronimo • Morocho, Blanca Robertina • Moroney, Dennis Gerard • Morris, Lynne Irene • Morris, Seth Allan • Morris, Stephen Philip • Morrison, Christopher Martel • Morron Garcia, Jorge Luis • Morrone, Ferdinand V. • Moskal, William David • Motroni, Marco • Motus-Wilson, Cynthia • Mouchinski, Iouri A. • Moussa, Jude Joseph • Moutos, Peter • Mowatt, Damion O’ Neil • Mozzillo, Christopher Michael • Mulderry, Stephen Vincent • Muldowney Jr, Richard T. • Mullan, Michael D • Mulligan, Dennis Michael • Mulligan, Peter James • Mullin, Michael Joseph • Munhall, James Donald • Muniz, Nancy • Munoz, Carlos • Munoz, Frank Heladio • Munson, Theresa • Murach, Robert M. • Murillo, Cesar Augusto • Murolo, Marc A. • Murphy IV, James F. • Murphy Jr., Robert Eddie • Murphy, Brian Joseph • Murphy, Charles Anthony • Murphy, Christopher W. • Murphy, Edward Charles • Murphy, James Thomas • Murphy, Kevin James • Murphy, Patrick Sean • Murphy, Raymond E. • Murray, John Joseph • Murray, Jr., John Joseph • Murray, Susan D • Murray, Valerie Victoria • Myhre, Richard ToddNNagel, Robert B. • Naiman, Mildred Rose • Nakamura, Takuya • Napier, Alexander John Robert • Naples III, Frank Joseph • Napolitano, John Phillip • Nardella, Catherine Ann • Nardone Jr., Mario • Narula, Manika K. • Nassaney, Shawn M • Nath, Narender • Navarro, Karen Susan • Navas, Joseph Micheal • Nazario, Francis Joseph • Neblett, Glenroy I. • Neblett, Rayman Marcus • Nedd, Jerome O. • Nedell, Laurence • Nee, Luke G. • Negron, Pete • Neira, Laurie Ann • Nelson, Ann N. • Nelson, David William • Nelson, James • Nelson, Michele Ann • Nelson, Peter Allen • Nesbitt, Oscar Francis • Nevins, 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Works, John Bentley • Wortley, Martin Michael • Wotton, Rodney James • Wren, William • Wright, John W. • Wright, Neil Robin • Wright, Sandra LeeYYambem, Jupiter • Yanamadala, Suresh • Yarnell, Matthew David • Yaskulka, Myrna • Yasmin, Shakila • Yee, Olabisi Shadie Layeni • York, Edward P. • York, Kevin Patrick • York, Raymond R • Youmans, Suzanne • Young Jr., Barrington Leroy • Young, Jacqueline • Yuen, ElkinZZaccoli, Joseph C • Zakhary, Adel Agayby • Zaltsman, Arkady • Zambrana Jr., Edwin J. • Zampieri, Robert Alan • Zangrilli, Mark • Zarba, Jr., Christopher Rudolph •Zaslow, Ira • Zelman, Kenneth Albert • Zelmanowitz, Abraham J. • Zempoaltecatl, Martin Morales • Zeng, Zhe • Zeplin, Marc Scott • Zhao, Jie Yao Justin • Ziminski, Ivelin • Zinzi, Michael Joseph • Zion, Charles A. • Zipper, Julie Lynne • Zisa, Salvatore • Zois, Prokopios Paul • Zuccala, Joseph J. • Zucker, Andrew S. • Zukelman, Igor •

Pentagon – Washington D.C.
SPC Craig S. Amundson, USA - YN3 Melissa Rose Barnes, USN - MSG Max J. Beilke, Retired - IT2 Kris Romeo Bishundat, USN - Carrie R. Blagburn - COL Canfield D. Boone, ARNG - Donna M. Bowen - Allen P. Boyle - ET3 Christopher L. Burford, USN - ET3 Daniel M. Caballero, USN - SFC Jose O. Calderon-Olmedo, USA - Angelene C. Carter - Sharon A. Carver - SFC John J. Chada, USA, Retired - Rosa Maria Chapa - Julian T. Cooper - LCDR Eric A. Cranford, USN - Ada M. Davis - CAPT Gerald F. DeConto, USN - LTC Jerry D. Dickerson, USA - IT1 Johnnie Doctor, Jr., USN - CAPT Robert E. Dolan, Jr., USN - CDR William H. Donovan, USN - CDR Patrick Dunn, USN - AG1 Edward T. Earhart, USN - LCDR Robert R. Elseth, USNR - SK3 Jamie L. Fallon, USN - Amelia V. Fields - Gerald P. Fisher - AG2 Matthew M. Flocco, USN - Sandra N. Foster - CAPT Lawrence D. Getzfred, USN - Cortez Ghee - Brenda C. Gibson - COL Ronald F. Golinski, USA, Retired - Diane Hale-McKinzy - Carolyn B. Halmon - Sheila M.S. Hein - ET1 Ronald J. Hemenway, USN - MAJ Wallace Cole Hogan, Jr., USA - SSG Jimmie I. Holley, USA, Retired - Angela M. Houtz - Brady Kay Howell - Peggie M. Hurt - LTC Stephen N. Hyland, Jr., USA - Lt Col Robert J. Hymel, USAF, Retired - SGM Lacey B. Ivory, USA - LTC Dennis M. Johnson, USA - Judith L. Jones - Brenda Kegler - LT Michael S. Lamana, USN - David W. Laychak - Samantha L. Lightbourn-Allen - MAJ Stephen V. Long, USA - James T. Lynch, Jr. - Terence M. Lynch - OS2 Nehamon Lyons IV, USN - Shelley A. Marshall - Teresa M. Martin - Ada L. Mason-Acker - LTC Dean E. Mattson, USA - LTG Timothy J. Maude, USA - Robert J. Maxwell - Molly L. McKenzie - Patricia E. Mickley - MAJ Ronald D. Milam, USA - Gerard P. Moran, Jr. - Odessa V. Morris - ET1 Brian A. Moss, USN - Teddington H. Moy - LCDR Patrick J. Murphy, USNR - Khang Ngoc Nguyen - DM2 Michael A. Noeth, USN - Ruben S. Ornedo - Diana B. Padro - LT Jonas M. Panik, USNR - MAJ Clifford L. Patterson, Jr., USA - LT Darin H. Pontell, USNR - Scott Powell - CAPT Jack D. Punches, USN, Retired - AW1 Joseph J. Pycior, Jr., USN - Deborah A. Ramsaur - Rhonda Sue Rasmussen - IT1 Marsha D. Ratchford, USN - Martha M. Reszke - Cecelia E. (Lawson) Richard - Edward V. Rowenhorst - Judy Rowlett - SGM Robert E. Russell, USA, Retired - CW4 William R. Ruth, ARNG - Charles E. Sabin, Sr. - Marjorie C. Salamone - COL David M. Scales, USA - CDR Robert A. Schlegel, USN - Janice M. Scott - LTC Michael L. Selves, USA, Retired - Marian H. Serva - CDR Dan F. Shanower, USN - Antionette M. Sherman - Diane M. Simmons - Cheryle D. Sincock - ITC Gregg H. Smallwood, USN - LTC Gary F. Smith, USA, Retired - Patricia J. Statz - Edna L. Stephens - SGM Larry L. Strickland, USA - LTC Kip P. Taylor, USA - Sandra C. Taylor - LTC Karl W. Teepe, USA, Retired - SGT Tamara C. Thurman, USA - LCDR Otis V. Tolbert, USN - SSG Willie Q. Troy, USA, Retired - LCDR Ronald J. Vauk, USNR - LTC Karen J. Wagner, USA - Meta L. (Fuller) Waller - SPC Chin Sun Pak Wells, USA - SSG Maudlyn A. White, USA - Sandra L. White - Ernest M. Willcher - LCDR David L. Williams, USN - MAJ Dwayne Williams, USA - RMC Marvin Roger Woods, USN, Retired - IT2 Kevin W. Yokum, USN - ITC Donald M. Young, USN - Edmond G. Young, Jr. - Lisa L. Young

United Airlines - Flight 93
Christian Adams - Lorraine G. Bay - Todd Beamer - Alan Beaven - Mark K. Bingham - Deora Frances Bodley - Sandra W. Bradshaw - Marion Britton - Thomas E. Burnett Jr. - William Cashman - Georgine Rose Corrigan - Patricia Cushing - Jason Dahl - Joseph Deluca - Patrick Driscoll - Edward Porter Felt - Jane C. Folger - Colleen Fraser - Andrew Garcia - Jeremy Glick - Lauren Grandcolas - Wanda A. Green - Donald F. Greene - Linda Gronlund - Richard Guadagno - Leroy Homer, Jr. - Toshiya Kuge - CeeCee Lyles - Hilda Marcin - Waleska Martinez - Nicole Miller - Louis J. Nacke, II - Donald Arthur Peterson - Jean Hoadley Peterson - Mark Rothenberg - Christine Snyder - John Talignani - Honor Elizabeth Wainio - Deborah Ann Jacobs Welsh - Kristin Gould White

American Airlines - Flight 77
Paul W. Ambrose - Yeneneh Betru - Mary Jane Booth - Bernard C. Brown, II - CAPT Charles F. Burlingame III, USNR, Retired - Suzanne M. Calley - William E. Caswell - David M. Charlebois - Sarah M. Clark - Asia S. Cottom - James D. Debeuneure - Rodney Dickens - Eddie A. Dillard - LCDR Charles A. Droz III, USN, Retired - Barbara G. Edwards - Charles S. Falkenberg - Dana Falkenberg - Zoe Falkenberg - J. Joseph Ferguson - Darlene E. Flagg - RADM Wilson F. Flagg, USNR, Retired - 1stLt Richard P. Gabriel, USMC, Retired - Ian J. Gray - Stanley R. Hall - Michele M. Heidenberger - Bryan C. Jack - Steven D. Jacoby - Ann C. Judge - Chandler R. Keller - Yvonne E. Kennedy - Norma Cruz Khan - Karen Ann Kincaid - Dong Chul Lee - Jennifer Lewis - Kenneth E. Lewis - Renee A. May - Dora Marie Menchaca - Christopher C. Newton - Barbara K. Olson - Ruben S. Ornedo - Robert Penninger - Robert R. Ploger III - Zandra F. Ploger - Lisa J. Raines - Todd H. Reuben - John P. Sammartino - George W. Simmons - Donald D. Simmons - Mari-Rae Sopper - Robert Speisman - Norma Lang Steuerle - Hilda E. Taylor - Leonard E. Taylor - Sandra D. Teague - Leslie A. Whittington - CAPT John D. Yamnicky, Sr., USN, Retired - Vicki Yancey - Shuyin Yang - Yuguag Zheng

United Airlines - Flight 175
Alona Abraham - Garnet Edward Bailey - Mark Lawrence Bavis - Graham Andrew Berkeley - Touri Bolourchi - Klaus Bothe - Daniel Raymond Brandhorst - David Reed Gamboa Brandhorst - John Brett Cahill - Christoffer Mikael Carstanjen - John J. Corcoran III - Dorothy Alma de Araujo - Ana Gloria Pocasangre Debarrera - Robert John Fangman - Lisa Anne Frost - Ronald Gamboa - Lynn Catherine Goodchild - Peter M. Goodrich - Douglas Alan Gowell - Francis Edward Grogan - Carl Max Hammond, Jr. - Christine Lee Hanson - Peter Burton Hanson - Susan Kim Hanson - Gerald Francis Hardacre - Eric Hartono - James Edward Hayden - Herbert Wilson Homer - Michael Robert Horrocks - Robert Adrien Jalbert - Amy N. Jarret - Ralph Kershaw - Heinrich Kimmig - Amy R. King - Brian Kinney - Kathryn L. LaBorie - Robert G. Leblanc - Maclovio Lopez, Jr. - Marianne Macfarlane - Alfred Gilles Marchand - Louis Mariani - Juliana McCourt - Ruth Magdaline McCourt - Wolfgang Peter Menzel - Shawn M. Nassaney - Marie Pappalardo - Patrick J. Quigley IV - Frederick Charles Rimmele III - James Roux - Jesus Sanchez - Victor J. Saracini - Mary Kathleen Shearer - Robert M. Shearer - Jane Louise Simpkin - Brian David Sweeney - Michael C. Tarrou - Alicia N. Titus - Timothy Ray Ward - William Michael Weems

American Airlines - Flight 11
Anna Allison - David Lawrence Angell - Lynn Edwards Angell - Seima Aoyama - Barbara Jean Arestegui - Myra Joy Aronson - Christine Barbuto - Carolyn Beug - Kelly Ann Booms - Carol Marie Bouchard - Robin Lynne Kaplan - Neilie Anne Heffernan Casey - Jeffrey Dwayne Collman - Jeffrey W. Coombs - Tara Kathleen Creamer - Thelma Cuccinello - Patrick Currivan - Brian Paul Dale - David Dimeglio - Donald Americo Ditullio - Alberto Dominguez - Paige Marie Farley-Hackel - Alexander Milan Filipov - Carol Ann Flyzik - Paul J. Friedman - Karleton D.B. Fyfe - Peter Alan Gay - Linda M. George - Edmund Glazer - Lisa Reinhart Gordenstein - Andrew Peter Charles Curry Green - Peter Paul Hashem - Robert Jay Hayes - Edward R. Hennessy, Jr. - John A. Hofer - Cora Hidalgo Holland - John Nicholas Humber, Jr. - Waleed Joseph Iskandar - John Charles Jenkins - Charles Edward Jones - Barbara A. Keating - David P. Kovalcin - Judith Camilla Larocque - Natalie Janis Lasden - Daniel John Lee - Daniel M. Lewin - Sara Elizabeth Low - Susan A. Mackay - Karen Ann Martin - Thomas F. McGuinness, Jr. - Christopher D. Mello - Jeffrey Peter Mladenik - Carlos Alberto Montoya - Antonio Jesus Montoya Valdes - Laura Lee Morabito - Mildred Naiman - Laurie Ann Neira - Renee Lucille Newell - Kathleen Ann Nicosia - Jacqueline June Norton - Robert Grant Norton - John Ogonowski - Betty Ann Ong - Jane M. Orth - Thomas Nicholas Pecorelli - Berinthia B. Perkins - Sonia M. Puopolo - David E. Retik - Jean Destrehan Roger - Philip Martin Rosenzweig - Richard Barry Ross - Jessica Leigh Sachs - Rahma Salie - Heather Lee Smith - Dianne Bullis Snyder - Douglas Joel Stone - Xavier Suarez - Madeline Amy Sweeney - Michael Theodoridis - James Anthony Trentini - Mary Barbara Trentini - Pendyala Vamsikrishna - Mary Alice Wahlstrom - Kenneth Waldie - John Joseph Wenckus - Candace Lee Williams - Christopher Rudolph Zarba, Jr.

We shall never forget you.

List courtesy of Free Republic

Pregnant and not medicated.

2012-09-09T17:45:00.002-04:00

I stared at it for two days.

Too many potential side effects to the fetus.

I don't know what to do now, but luckily, I don't care enough to worry about it. But I'm not medicated, for better or worse.

Pregnant and medicated.

2012-09-07T13:32:00.000-04:00

I'm struggling.

I don't even know what with...everything? All the small things? I don't know. All I know is, I cry every day. I'm angry all of the time. I want to ship my husband to the furthest island I can find. I don't want to talk to anyone, be on social media, or do anything really....except cuddle my dog on the couch while I watch Gilmore Girls and I Hate My Kitchen. Only, she won't cuddle me. Damn it.

I feel like I'm not allowed to talk about this, for so many reasons.

No. 1, you're not supposed to be anything but shiny and happy while pregnant. I get it, they sent the memo.

No. 2, you're not supposed to talk too much about being pregnant or for heaven's sake, be unhappy during your pregnancy for any reason, because someone would always rather be in your place.

No. 3, no matter what you discuss while being pregnant, you are a silly novice that has no clue and should JUST WAIT.

No. 4, I have a good life, with lots of wonderful things (i.e., husband, dog, job), I have no right to feel any sort of unhappiness or depression. Fair enough, I suppose. Someone tell my brain to get its shit together, then...okay? It did NOT get the memo. (PS there are many things I don't have: local friends, family, etc. This shit matters.)

No. 5, postpartum depression is fine...you're allowed that. You can't help that. But prenatal depression? What the ever loving fuck is wrong with you? Not allowed. Bad mama.

So. I don't talk about it. Well, I didn't talk about it. I figured it was a big ole' case of hormonal rampage gone wild and would pass one day. Soon. Please, God. Soon.

It didn't. It got worse and worse and worse. And I knew that once I started giving very serious consideration to grabbing my dog, getting in my car, driving until I ran out of gas, making that town my new home while suffering from a willed case of amnesia so I wouldn't have to feel guilty for it...something was legitimately wrong.

I talked to my OB today, and she, amazingly, did not make me feel like a bad person. Because I was seriously starting to wonder if I was. I mean, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that the majority of the world will call you out as a bad person for being anything less than shiny and happy at any given time, much less while expecting.

I'm not into gabbing about baby things 24/7. Sorry. I get irritated when people who normally don't text me or email me, do so JUST because I'm pregnant now and JUST to find out how I feel while pregnant/ how the baby is/what names I've picked out/etc. What about before? Why didn't you want to know how I was before the baby? I don't like being treated like I'm made of glass. I can carry my own damn bags, thanks. I do need help right now, yes...but that's not the type of help I need. Sorry, just being honest. It's frustrating. Can I be treated like a normal person again? A person that exists outside of carrying another person? The doctor visits are draining. We went to Birmingham yesterday to visit a fetal-maternal specialist and it was...draining. Someone pulled the cork that was just slowly leaking before and now I'm completely drained.

While we're talking about frustration....I'm having a hard time dealing with my husband. It's like we suddenly speak completely different languages. Okay, not suddenly, we always kind of spoke similar languages before but now they're so different we'll never be able to communicate again. I know that makes zero sense. It's like, I'm telling him exactly what is needed and what to do - and he does the exact opposite, then ends up frustrated when I tell him he's doing it wrong. I feel like I'm handing him a hammer and saying "this job absolutely REQUIRES the use of a hammer", and he's trying to use a wrench and getting pissed that I'm pissed because it doesn't work, and he should have just used the fucking hammer. I realize that makes no sense, either. And yes, I've talked to him about this. Clearly, if we're speaking two different languages here, that shit is not getting through.

I know - shut up, Layla. Shut up! People have serious problems (see previous post, please - either way, please see it) and I should just shut up. I want to. I'm trying. I didn't write this post because I want sympathy or suggestions or advice or even commiseration, because let's face it - commiseration is basically just everyone's chance to bitch about their own problems or try to one up you, either way. I'm not even enabling comments because I don't really care what anyone else thinks about this. I wanted to make this post private for now, but apparently you can't (thanks, Blogger. you're an ass). This is my journal, I've shared deeply personal things on here in hopes they'd help someone else that's struggling with the same. So I'm posting this in case anyone else is pregnant and depressed and feels like running away and doesn't know what to do about it. I can't tell you what to do about it, but I wanted to tell you that YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.

Because you're not, and I'm not and we're not. We're not bad people. We're not bad moms. People are going to tell us we are but we aren't. People are going to think you're a bad person if you cloth diaper,disposable diaper,breast feed, bottle feed, make your baby the center of your world or decide that you're the same as you were before, but just with a baby now. So, whatthefuckever. Need help? Get help.

And when I say my doctor has put me on medication for the duration of my pregnancy, so I can handle life on a daily basis, most people are probably going to write me off as a meth head. I know, totally the same thing. Such a bad person. Such a bad mama.

I'm not. You're not. We're not. We just need some help. And time.

Post for Sarah

2012-09-05T22:44:00.000-04:00

I wrote briefly about a friend that is going through something that is...unfathomable. I didn't want to divulge too much of her situation at the time, but she has given me permission to share her story and identity, because she wants to raise awareness of her particular issue - that of being 25 years old, being pregnant, and being diagnosed with breast cancer 19 weeks into her pregnancy.

Told you, unfathomable. I wanted to tell her story for that reason, yes...but also to help raise money for Sarah's treatment, and to talk about grace in the midst of it all. Because Sarah is handling this situation with more grace and confidence than I can comprehend.

Sarah told her story to her local CBS affiliate in Denver, CO this week, and I cried the whole time I watched it. Not because I was sad for her, not at all. But because her strength, her grace, her will, and her and Ryan's love for each other is so damn inspiring. I really think the two of them could handle anything that comes their way.

I can't add much to this story, so I'll let Sarah speak for herself.

Please watch:

http://denver.cbslocal.com/2012/09/04/denver-mother-to-be-also-fighting-breast-cancer/

An excerpt from Sarah's CaringBridge journal:

Right now we have somewhat of a game plan for now until delivery of the baby. Next Tuesday I'll start my chemotherapy treatments, once every 21 days for a total time of 12 weeks and 4 cycles. Following the chemotherapy, I'll have several weeks of nothing, then we will have a mastectomy-- unsure about single or double at this time (testing and chemotherapy reaction will dictate that course of action). Our hope is that the chemo gives this big tumor the sucker punch it deserves, which makes surgery and reconstruction much easier-- and saves my life.

If you could see the rest of her journal, you'd see that she has an incredibly positive attitude, an intense willpower, and is surrounded by great doctors and even more love. You'd see that Ryan takes wonderful care of her, writing the sweetest battle cry I've ever read - taking on this cancer like it's war (it is). You'd see that Sarah had a port installed, has had her second dose of chemo, and (together with Ryan), shaved her head once her hair started falling out. You'd see that Sarah does NOT feel sorry for herself, ask "why me?" or scream that life is unfair. Grace, I tell you. Grace.

Ryan's mom posted the following on CaringBridge:

Family and friends have been asking what they can do to help—this is what you can do. The medical bills are starting to come in and we’ve only just begun. Even with full time jobs and medical insurance, the amounts are high and difficult to maintain. Sarah will need time off for surgery, recovery, maternity, and may have to take long term disability—which would severely impact their income.

I can't imagine.

What I do know, is that when I needed help to offset the expense of my surgery, people jumped into action. Great friends and total strangers spread the word, donated money and offered prayers, thoughts and suggestions. And you know what? It worked. I'm PROOF that people banding together for good can create a truly positive response. This is definitely worthy of such a response. This is worthy of being tweeted, blogged about, shared on Facebook, told to your coworkers, praying for, and donating some money. I'm not one to ask for this stuff often....but I KNOW that it works. We can help Sarah, Ryan, and their baby boy. We are powerful. Let's use that power.

Sarah has a Go Fund Me page: http://www.gofundme.com/sarahaddison, where you can make donations, but will gladly accept prayers, good wishes and positive thoughts as well. Anything you can do will be appreciated.

Cerclage.

2012-08-27T15:15:00.000-04:00

Eh, I'm gonna be a little gross on here and go into detail about my cerclage experience, so if you're not into that kind of thing...avert eyes. Every time I've had to have surgery, I frantically googled, trying to find first hand accounts so I'd know what to expect, but I've rarely found them. This was especially true for the cerclage. So, I'm posting my experience in case someone else out there needs to know exactly what to expect, and so they have someone to contact in case they have any questions about it.

First off - a cerclage is sometimes needed during pregnancy, if the cervix is weakened or short, to prevent cervical incompetence. Cervical incompetence can lead to pre-term labor, so it's best to avoid it if possible - though some OB's will only perform one if they see evidence on weakening, and not as a precaution. Although my cervix was shortened, it was not dangerously so, nor was it weakened - but due to the two factors that led to the cervical shortening (LEEP and cold knife cone biopsy), my OB felt it was best to err on the side of caution and go head and sew 'er up.

Here's an example of the type of cerclage I had (there are multiple types):

Source

So, here's my experience, in quite a bit of detail.

We checked into the hospital at 5:30 am on a Tuesday, on the labor and delivery floor. It was a little strange, because I probably didn't even look pregnant yet (I was 13 weeks), but I was sitting in the same waiting room with ladies that were waiting to go back for induction or scheduled c-sections. There were quite a few looks my way, ranging from sympathy to curiosity. I'm sure they just couldn't imagine why I'd be there if I were so early, I barely showed at all. They called us back to a private room, told me to change into a gown, and proceeded to ask a million questions while I filled out paperwork. They gave me an IV and said the anesthesiologist would be in soon.

This is the part I was freaking out over. He was nice enough, and answered all of my questions, but I was terrified of him. He said he couldn't sedate me, so I'd be awake, but he'd give me something to try to calm me down. No clue what he was intending to do, but I heard the words "calm down" and was like COOL.

They came and wheeled me away, and right before they went through the double doors into the OR, they stopped and put a net on my hair. There was a sign that said, "proper acquire retired" and I said, "Oh god, did I wear the right thing? How's my outfit?" Yeah, I was wearing a hospital gown with nothin' underneath it and a hairnet.

Once in the OR, they had me sit on the bed, legs hanging over the side, and a nurse laid my head between her boobs. Not kidding. I was pretty scared, so I didn't care, I latched on to her back like she was going to save me or something. They told me to roll my spine and.....I start crying. Silently at first, then kind of quietly sobbing. I was just terrified....I hate going into an OR fully awake. He cleaned my back and it was COLD. Then he gave me the local, which he said would feel like a bee-sting but was actually way worse, then he said I wouldn't feel the next one.

LIES. I screamed. It hurt. He said, "sorry, sorry!" and tried it again. Didn't feel it that time. Then everything started to move quickly - my legs went numb, they were putting me on another bed, putting my legs in stirrups, hanging a sheet in front of my face, and tying my arms down (HATE). The stirrup situation...awkward. They were the typical OB stirrups - but then they adjusted the table so my legs were higher than my head. So not fun. They turned my head to the left, conveniently facing a clock hanging on the wall. I was told it should take no longer than 10 minutes, once she actually started the cerclage.

At first I was okay, just laying there, watching the time pass. Feeling strange things that didn't hurt, but weren't comfortable....a LOT of pressure and some tugging. We joked about 50 Shades of Grey babies and how gross that is, and then I noticed that it had been 10 minutes. Then 15. Then 20. Then the stomach pushing started...I have no idea what they were doing, I just know that it was as close to pain that pressure can be...and they we being rather forceful with my abdomen. Everyone was talking lowly - I couldn't hear them - and my neck was stiff, so I turned it to the right.

The things they suction blood into were full...just...full. It was gross. I freaked out, turned my head back around and wondered what was going on. Finally, 30 minutes later, it was over. They took my legs down (still couldn't feel anything), and transferred me to another bed (where I grabbed a nurse's boob out of shock and well...my hand was flailing and that's what it caught. Sorry!). That made me nauseous, so they gave me an injection of Zofran, and a narcotic. They rolled me into recovery, and I started to shake and itch SO BAD. They gave me injections in both thighs, because I just couldn't stop itching/scratching my upper body. After being in recovery for about 40 minutes, they let me go back to my room, to recover with my husband nearby.

I wasn't feeling any pain at all - zero. I slept off and on, with the nurse coming in to take vitals and ask how I was feeling. She would always ask if I could move my legs or felt the urge to pee, the answer was always no. She finally let me sleep for longer than 20 minutes...probably 40 minutes or so. When she came back that time, I could move my legs. She said if I peed, she could request a discharge. So although I didn't feel the need to, I got up and tried. Uh, yeah...I had to. I just couldn't feel that I had to. She got my discharge papers and let us go! We had another awkward moment when I was being wheeled out to the car, when we walked through the delivery waiting area and everyone stared at me...the woman coming down from labor and delivery (this wing of the hospital was just a maternity ward), in a wheelchair, with no baby in my arms. I wanted to yell, "Naw man, it's cool - it's still cookin'!" but I just ignored them and went home.

Once there, I slept for about four hours. I started to feel some pain - nothing too intense, but sitting upright definitely hurt. I was bleeding a little - I'd call it more spotting - especially when I went to the bathroom. I took the following day off work, knowing I needed to recover a bit. I was surprised when I was in more pain the next day...kind of all over my pelvis. I still couldn't tell when I had to pee, so I'd have to just go and see what happened. The next day, I went to work. I only made it three hours before I came home. I was having trouble sitting upright, and walking hurt. The next day, I went to the doctor. Turned out I had a massively bad UTI, probably caused by the catheter and my lack of feeling like I needed to pee. She said I was peeing a moderate amount of blood, and needed to be on antibiotics. After a week on those, I felt good as new!

I did bleed a bit more during the course of recovery...mostly just spotting, but there were a few times that it was as heavy as a period, which scared me. I called my doctor and she said to just watch it and report back if it got worse. I also found out that the reason my surgery took so long was because of excessive bleeding, they couldn't get it to stop for a short period of time. Explained the low whispers and full tubs of blood, as well. I guess I should have remembered to tell her that my father is a hemophiliac? Although I am not...or have never been led to believe I was. I am a carrier, and was told that I take slightly longer to clot that most, but that's it. Well, now they want to test me, because they think I may be a mild hemophiliac and they want to know in case I have a c-section. Lovely.

All in all, not the worst surgery, by far...even for being awake for it. Recovery was easy, pain was minimal, and everything has gone well so far. I have to go in for ultrasounds every two weeks from here on to delivery, to make sure that my cervix is not shortening or weakening, and that there's no funneling of amniotic fluid. If any of those things happen, it's instant bed rest.

That's it!! Not horrible, I just fear the unknown - which is why I wanted to post this, in case anyone else is facing one and feels the same way. Hopefully this can set your mind at ease.

Just Wait.

2012-08-12T18:13:00.000-04:00

Tuesday, I'm going in for a small, baby related surgery. I was really scared. Terrified, actually. I've had surgery before. I don't know what my problem was. Just fear of the unknown, I guess. I'm over it, no longer scared. Scarier things exist in this world, and my surgery is a result of that. Doesn't matter. I'm too lucky to waste fear on this.

(I'm probably going to piss some people off, but please read to the bottom. This post is bigger than me, or my ranting. It does have a point. Please read.)

I've been thinking a lot about how pregnant women are told to "just wait" by pretty much every other woman that has ever birthed a child. How every time I go to the bathroom at work, sheepishly grinning at the person walking out as I'm walking in, and how they blurt out, "just wait until you get further along - you'll live in here!" And I think about how two weeks ago, when I'd go to the bathroom and sheepishly smile at the person exiting as I'm entering, they'd just sheepishly smile back. The awkward bathroom understanding has turned into unsolicited....advice? Warning? I'm not sure what they're attempting to tell me.

And how every time I yawn at work, I'm told by any woman that witnesses it, "just wait until after you have that baby! You don't know what tired is yet!" And I think, again, what are you trying to say? Are you trying to scare me? It doesn't sound like advice, or like you're offering a way to prepare me for what may or may not be inevitable down the line....it sounds like you're trying to make me hate this, regret it, and fear it. Is that how you felt? Did you regret it? Why else would you pass that on?

And as I was thinking about this, I realized that most women are probably just trying to commiserate with each other, proudly acknowledging what they've survived and in a well meaning but incorrectly delivered way, are offering a bit of "yeah, I've been there" to another woman.

And I thought about two things: all the things I've had to "just wait" for yet in my life, that most I know haven't yet experienced, and how well it would go over if I offered similar unsolicited advice to women, just because I had experienced it and there's a chance they may. "Just wait until you miscarry one! And then you have to experience the crash of pregnancy hormones along with the overwhelming guilt, anger, sadness, shame and fear that you will feel, all at once, while life spins on happily around you." Obviously, this would be a dick move. I'd never do this. But it made me wonder.

And I thought about how, upon doing something as normal (in my life, anyway - given the lack of normalcy involving my reproductive organs to this point) as being able to carry a child would be a genuinely great thing, full of scary new experiences and things I can't even imagine to come....but normal, and happy. It is happy, but it's already scary enough on its own. I "just wait" to see if I can carry to term. I "just wait" to see if this surgery works. I already do a lot of waiting.

And how many times I've "just waited." Just waiting to see an oncologist. Just waiting after every single biopsy, to see if it has returned. Just waiting to see if that last check up - the one that declares me cancer free, five years worth of waiting, will be the one that keeps me from panicking every January. Just waiting to see if this cerclage works, or if I'll end up on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. A lot of just waiting, that most I know have not - and hopefully never will - experience. I don't walk up to anxious women in the gynecologists office and say, "just wait until you get cancer! You don't have a reason to dread going to the gynecologist yet!"

That offers nothing. Did I help them? Or did I do nothing but make them fear things that could happen to them, because it's happened to me.

And I thought, I don't wish that on my worst enemy. Ever.

But it does happen.

In the interest of protecting their privacy, all I will say is that I have a friend that has just been diagnosed with cancer. She's also pregnant.

She has a lot of "just waiting" in her future, more "just waiting" than most people (including myself) can fully understand or imagine.

I think about people walking up to her, not knowing what's happening in her life other than the obvious baby bump, and telling her to "just wait" for something baby related. And I want to cry, because damn it, she will be just waiting. She doesn't need anyone to remind her of that.

I think it would be best, as women, as moms-to-be or moms-to-many or moms-to-one, if we just offered REAL support to one another, instead of telling each other to "just wait."

You never know what you'll end up "just waiting" for.

Please pray, send positive thoughts, whatever it is you do, to my friend. Thank you.

Real Talk from your pregnant friend that can't poop.

2012-08-10T14:22:00.001-04:00

If you're reading this, you probably already know who I am. Which means you know that pregnancy hasn't turned me into some marshmallow of love, cooing at everything I see, and spewing rainbows from my butt. Don't misinterpret that...I'm THRILLED about this baby and do my fair share of cooing. But I'm also me, just a pregnant version of me.....a burpier, fartier version of me. Which means I talk very candidly about the gross side of pregnancy. I always envisioned myself being the Roseanne type of mother...loves her kids, sure, but is also sarcastic and blunt and embarrassing. Yep, that sounds about right.

No, I haven't even gotten that far in (almost 13 weeks at posting). But shit gets weird really quickly. Like way faster than I thought it would.

Speaking of spewing rainbows from my butt.......

I'm going to tell you a story. It's a true story, and since it's being told by me, it's an awesome story.

Gather around, kids! It's time to hear about the turd baby.

(that's your cue to leave if you want to)

So, after not being able to poop for like, two weeks, I finally felt the urge and was like, "oh no!" but all "oh yes!" at the same time. Because I don't know if you've ever gone two weeks without pooping, but it sucks. I know, I didn't believe it either. So luckily, I knew things were about to happen right as we were walking out the door to meet up with Josh's coworkers at a restaurant, which is exactly when you feel like dealing with something like this.

I excused myself in a very ladylike, proper wife fashion (I yelled, "thar she blows, brb!" and grabbed a book) and retreated to the guest bathroom.

I'm not completely disgusting, so I won't give you a play by play.

So. Much. Pushing.

Not so much happening.

There was much sweat, there were many tears. I contorted, I read out loud, I yelled, I begged for an ambulance (not kidding about any of it).

I needed a butt episiotomy. I needed an emergency butt c-section! At the very least, an epidural.

An hour later, after giving butt-birth to a turd baby that surely split my butt all the way to my neck, I emerged, victorious! I did it!!!

I laid down on the floor and shook until I stopped sweating.

We were two hours late.

I swore off food. (that lasted for an hour)

It hurt to sit for three days.

I left out the bad, awful, horrible, shameful details...so, you're welcome. I also won't mention the SECOND time this happened, while in Atlanta last weekend, right when we needed to check out of our hotel (naturally). That one was worse. The details, more shameful.

Trust me when I say, this (not being able to poop thing) is a new, horrible experience that I never want EVER again. Before you offer suggestions - I've tried it all in the past three months. It is what it is. My doc finally approved the use of Miralax THANK GOD, because it's the only thing that has worked. I thought post surgery was bad.

I'm only posting this because, come on, turd baby. And also, yeah - you're not alone. Pregnancy is wonderful, it really is. Nothing like seeing those little legs do an Irish jig on ultrasound (got those sick dance moves from me, btw). But it ain't all pretty...which cracks me up, because I feel like so many women try to act like it is. Maybe it is for them, I don't know (LUCKY). But it's not for everyone. Luckily (sadly?), I have no shame. I like to talk about pooping on the internet. I know, I don't know how I'm not more successful at life, either.

Where I tell you good news but still manage to talk about my lady parts in awkward detail.

2012-08-06T13:23:00.000-04:00

Things that have happened in the last few months:

I got a job.
Said job is in Alabama.
We moved to Alabama - that did not go well, and we've moved THREE TIMES in the three months we've lived here. That's a whole other post. Let's just say....do not recommend.
Josh got a new job.
Josh's new job allows him to be home at nights and on the weekends, which led to......

Yep! Baby! To be fair, in that pic my belly is like, 75% food baby, bloat, fat, constipation (hey, pregnancy ain't pretty...your friends are LYING TO YOU) and about 25% actual baby. But, seriously - BABY!

And no, we weren't trying. Why would we be trying? We were pretty much told to have no hope it could happen. We accepted that and never thought to try. Sometimes life goes OH REALLY?? and you just get incredibly, really, fortuitously lucky.

And sometimes you have an amazing friend that gets the doctor they work for to agree to perform surgery for you for a cash price, since your insurance won't cover it. And sometimes you have even more amazing friends that start a fundraiser for you to pay for that surgery. And you find out, that without that surgery, well....your life would still be a daily living hell, for starters...but you also had a greater chance of ^ this happening than you thought. And you have so many people to thank, you have no clue where to start.

Please accept this as my thanks for Operation Layla. What a life changer! You guys are powerful. If you think you aren't, remember this. YOU are powerful.

You knocked me up!!

Okay, Josh had a part in that, too. ;)

Knowing my past issues, I don't think it's any shock that this is considered to be a high risk pregnancy. I've got a lot of factors going against me, such as my age at delivery (35), previous miscarriage, and my two previous LEEP procedures, but the biggest one is the surgery I had for cervical cancer. They had to remove enough of my cervix to make sure it hadn't spread, but it left it very short and weakened, which is considered cervical incompetence. Since the weight of the baby as the pregnancy progresses can cause an incompetent cervix to dilate too early, resulting in preterm labor, I'm having yet another surgery in about two weeks.

So the cerclage, which sounds like some fancy french manicure option but is actually the sewing shut of my cervix, will hopefully hold that baby in til it's fully baked. Of course there are risks, such as preterm labor, infection, miscarriage, or if my cervix is failing to behave, total bed rest. All terrify me. Also, I'm having my first epidural at 14 weeks. File that under sentences I just typed that look completely foreign to me. Obviously, I'm nervous, scared, all those things. But I'm choosing not to live in the "what if" zone and just embrace this pregnancy with happiness and hope for the best. No, it's not an ideal situation...yes, it was hell getting here....but I'm happy, and I'll take it. If my choice is between constant fear or hopeful optimism, I'll take hopeful optimism, thanks.

YES I REALIZE I TALK ABOUT MY LADY PARTS TOO MUCH ON MY BLOG.

I hope it helps someone else, one day. Feel free to email with questions, or if you've been through it yourself and have tips or suggestions.

This house.

2012-04-25T21:47:00.001-04:00

ETA, 7/24/12: I wrote this post in April, while I had my blog shut down. I just felt the need to deliver a personal eulogy to a home I loved so much. Since writing this, moving, and experiencing a new city, one that I don't particularly like, at that - these words ring even more true for me. I cried re-reading this, because it's exactly how I feel, now. Like I left my memories, and part of myself, somewhere else. And although I can visit them in my head, I mourn them.

________________________________________________________________________________

When we found out we were moving, I had a million emotions at once. Sad, however, wasn't one of them.

Until.

One week to our last night in the house (Wed, April 25th), I started straightening up the house, to prepare for possible tenants that were stopping by the next day. I was home alone, while Josh was at work, and as I pushed a broom around the floor, before I even knew it was happening...boom. Sad. Crying, actually. Something you should know about me: I don't cry. Also, I'm not sentimental. I remember how many times I complained about cleaning these floors over the three years we lived in this house, and I had no clue what was wrong with me. This was the last time (cleaners would be coming for the final clean once we moved out) I'd ever have to do it. I should be elated.

No. Sad. Mascara spilling down my face sad.

And I realized, for the first time since we've lived here, how many memories lived in this house. I'm not sure how you picture memories, if you do, but I picture them like ghosts, silently hovering over their location, only seen by the ones that experienced them. And although they are always hovering, they aren't always seen. Sometimes it's because we're too busy, sometimes it's because we've already forgotten, sometimes it's because we're trying to forget. They aren't all great memories, they aren't all friendly ghosts. But some are. Most. And when we move away from them, we leave them where they occurred, where they hover in the air, unknown by the new inhabitants in the house.

This house wasn't ours, we didn't own it. But it was ours, for the past three years. Our memories, our ghosts, hover in those rooms. The next people that move in won't know them. They won't feel the happiness, pain, fear, anger, elation or confusion that we did with them. They won't even know they're there.

But we do.

And while sweeping, with giant, silent tears rolling down my face, I was able to see every single memory we were leaving in that house. Every ghost we were leaving behind.

This was the first house we lived in together, just Josh and I, with no roommates.

We came home to this house after our wedding, not able to afford a honeymoon. We spent our first night here as shiny, face achingly happy and exhausted newlyweds.

We spent our first married week in this house, seven straight days together. And we loved every second of it.

We had the best neighbors you could ask for, people that normally only exist in movies, while living in this house.

I recovered from two surgeries in this house.

I had my first ambulance ride from this house.

I found out I was pregnant for the first time in this house, and told Josh in this house.

I lost our first baby in this house.

The last time I spoke to my mother, during a heated argument, was in this house.

I came home after being fired from my job, for the first time ever, to this house.

So many firsts happened in this house. But it always felt like shelter from whatever storm we were in, unless we were in actual storms (which happened often). Then, we worried. Thankfully, even then, it stood strong.

We'll never have those firsts again - the first night as a married couple, the first time we found out I was pregnant, the first time we learned what we were made of us a couple and how we'd let these things shape us as people.

They aren't all good ghosts.

Some I'm more than glad to leave behind, to only see from a distance.

But I wish I could take some of them, fold them up neatly, slide them into an envelope and take them with me.

I guess I can. Memories don't only exist where you had them, they live in your mind, as well. They're just more vibrant in their home, where they occurred. I'm taking the every day ones, the ones you don't know about. Every sweet note Josh left for me. Every party, every couple that came over, every cookout or holiday with family and friends. Christmas trees and Halloween decorations and all of that....those live in the forefront of my mind, when I think about this house. The ones I mentioned before, up there? I just hadn't seen those ghosts in a while, and it made me sad to realize I'm leaving them here.

But it's also a good thing. There are many things I think of when I look back on my time in Georgia, but I'm honestly just glad I'll be looking back at it, because that means I'm looking forward somewhere else.

I'm thankful I saw them. It gives me time to say goodbye.

No, we didn't own this house. But it was our home.

Our memories live here.

One year.

2012-03-22T19:13:00.000-04:00

It's been one year, today, since I had my first surgery of 2011.

One year since the coolest girls I hope to ever meet (soon please, yes?) started Operation Layla.

It's weird how a whole year can go by....just like that. Where did it go? Blah blah blah, time flies.

I remember a year ago, how I felt about all of this. Well, actually a year ago RIGHT NOW I was just out of my mind on pain meds. But I remember prior to this surgery, thinking about how it was going to open so many doors, change my life, make everything so different...so much better.

And, it did. It really did take care of my Endometriosis and free up my life. And I'm forever thankful that I was able to have it and experience a normal period again. A year ago, I was ready for my life to change, anxiously awaiting what would happen, how things would be different. I never assumed they wouldn't be better. I didn't realize that change isn't always good or immediate.

It's not related to this surgery - I truly believe that this first surgery made a WORLD of difference in my life. I think the second one caused damage. I think it was unnecessary, hasty on the part of the surgeon (as well as careless) to perform surgery so soon after another one, and that I ultimately would have been so much better off without it.

I don't know for sure, it's just what I think. Things happened, things changed - mostly things in my body and my mind. And they weren't there prior to that second surgery. I feel cheated, somehow. I had this opportunity, with the first surgery, to have a new life without pain and full of opportunity. And I think the second one took a lot of that away. I don't know. I'm not sure.

I just try to get through each day. I'm in therapy, I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm fucking trying.

It's hard, sometimes. But I'm trying. I'm getting better. It's working.

Body, mind, all of it. Getting better.

One year later, I'm recovering.

“If you say ‘we’re in this together,’ I’m going to hurl.”

2012-02-28T21:26:00.000-05:00

Fair warning: I'm going to use the word 'asshole' a lot in this post. A LOT. Actually, I'm just gonna class up the joint with all manner of expletives, okay? Avert eyes now, or something.

There's this thing that happens when the bottom falls out of your life, and it's really hard to explain or describe unless you're actually there. And I'm there, so I'm going to try to explain and describe it. Here's the thing.

The thing is, when you start going through some shit, some really evil life shit, you kind of reach out with open hands, grasping at connections, telling anyone that will listen because you need someone to hear you and maybe help you with words or deeds or just...being present. You want people to know that you're struggling with evil life shit because then you don't feel alone and you can, I don't know, you can maybe feel better about it? Or just deal with it. Or just not deal with it alone. I don't know, maybe that's just me. When my life was going well (and it was! it really was) and then something bad happened, I had an omgwtf moment and told everyone about it. Not for any other reason than I was all, omgwtf. Omgwtf do I do now, omgwtf just happened, omgwtf you guys, etc.

And people do what people do when this stuff happens. Some jumped into action, some offered quiet support, some got angry and left, others quietly left. It's just the way this stuff works, people go through their own evil life shit and some don't want to hear about others' evil life shit because it either makes them sad about their own or it harshes their mellow, because maybe their life is one giant happy pill at the moment.

But for me, when that situation resolved, another popped up. Then another. Then another. Then...another.

OMGWTF. So much evil life shit happening all the time, you guys. So much.

And then, that's kind of all there is anymore. The conversation always comes back around to your evil life shit, because really, what else is happening? And then more people do what people do - start to hate you, leave loudly or quietly, offer quiet support, jump into action. But mainly, I think, the person going through so much evil life shit at once just becomes, quietly, collectively (including in their own mind) 'the asshole'.

The asshole that refuses to be happy. The asshole that brings the vibe down. The asshole that can't get it together. The asshole that's just not trying hard enough. The asshole with the evil life shit that is just such an asshole for having so much evil life shit all the time, enough with the evil life shit, just enough already.

So that's where I am, I'm The Asshole. Nice to meet ya. Not really.

I don't really know how to finish this now, and I kind of just want an antipasto plate, honestly. Mmmm, salami and hard cheese. Olives. All of that.

Anyway. All of that to say, I'm really unhappy. Life has been one giant shit sandwich lately, no two ways about it. For better or worse, I'm not able to be happy for anyone, truly. I am angry, bitter, hateful and sad all of the time. I'm scared, frustrated, pissed, worried, apathetic and deep down, want to be the destroyer of several worlds - like, wreck some shit. This isn't me, it's just not me. It's the asshole. The asshole that can't get it together, that feels alone, that feels fucked over by life, that is stuck in their assholedom so much that they can't stop being pissed at everything, that cries when asked what they want for dinner because WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? and has worn the same jeans for ~~eight~~ nine days straight, even after helping someone move, because life is too hard for laundry (PR on days with dirty jeans, btw. Level up) these days and WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I need to get better, yeah - obviously. Life doesn't just magically pivot on its heel because the year changed and it's decided that you've had enough, so there went my "omg yay, 2012 is gonna be the tits, y'all" theory.

But it's hard to sit and watch so many great things happening to people all around you while your life stalls. No, it's not hard, it's painful. Physically, mentally, emotionally painful. Not fair, yeah? I should be happy for people. And I am, sort of. It's not their fault they have good/great things happening in their lives. But I can only take so many birth announcements/pregnancy announcements/new job announcements/positivity quotes from people having absolutely nothing to be sad about anyway/moving across country announcements/vacation announcements before I literally want to blow my brains out from hatred of my own fucking life. Somehow, reading about 10 of these things in one day (I counted!), even if they aren't things I want for myself at this moment, makes everything I'm dealing with worse. Don't like that? Deal. I think to understand this, you might have had to be there. Even if I wasn't trying to get pregnant when I did, and the thought of having a baby terrified me to the depths of my soul, I'd already picked out nursery themes in my head when I found out I was losing it. So sue me if I can't handle having 13 friends that are currently pregnant or have just given birth. I'm happy for them but it's hard, just being honest.

So I've had to step away from social media, because, well...you're inundated with the happiness of others. And selfish or not, for myself, right now, I can't handle the overwhelming happiness of others. And they shouldn't be brought down from their happiness, so it's the best thing for all.

But, to move beyond my hatred of all things happy (puppies still make me smile, for what it's worth), and to stop being this person - whoever the fuck this is - and to get my life back, or come to terms with the fact that I can't get my life back and have to adjust to what my life is now, or to just be able to make it through a day without feeling so useless, worthless, hateful and sad, I'm going to therapy.

That admission puts a lump in my throat, because in general, I think all therapists are Grade A dickwads and it won't help at all (OOPS if you're a therapist - I'm sure you're great), but apparently, that's the shit you're forced to do when you've eaten as much of a shit sandwich as you can swallow. I just said shit a lot, but I kind of doubt anyone is still reading at this point anyway (I wouldn't be - where are the pictures in this crap post?)

So, that's that. My new blog is just a journal (how retro!) I picked up at Books a Million that's supposed to be full of insightful things like why I'm sad today and how to overcome it but so far just has things like "Name a dog Van der Beek?" and then the next entry is "Josh said no. He is the destroyer of all good ideas."

Said (sad?) journal.

lol, you mad? It's funny.

Well, it was his idea to go to therapy, so I guess that foxy babe has some good ideas to offset my bad ones (he agreed to name a dog The Nuge. No, we aren't getting a dog. I just like to name FUTURE dogs) after all.

Uh, I don't really know how to end this again. I just wanted to explain why I won't be blogging or interacting and that it's because I'll be working on me and that I'm not trying to be an asshole and then it turned into word vomit that was SUPPOSED to go into the journal but quite frankly, beyond this post, I don't want to talk about it anymore, ever again, so help me god.

Why you should invite a stranger into your vag once a year.

2012-02-21T15:26:00.000-05:00

Oh hey!

Can we talk about your vagina today? Not yours specifically, but you know, just vaginas, collectively? Trust me, it's important and needs to be discussed. Pap smears, in particular, are the topic of discussion. Who should get one, when, how often, why.....and what the government has to say about it. Oh yeah, the government. All up in your vag.

Most people think that the standard for a pap smear is once a year. I thought so. A lot of people think so. Seems the medical community and the government, on the other hand, have decided that's not necessary. They've decided what's necessary for your vagina. As usual.

First, let me assure you that I am not an expert on the female reproductive system. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a nurse - I'm just a girl. And that means that I was supplied with the parts, and can speak from my own experiences. And let me tell you - me and my vag? Oh we're thisclose. We've been through a lot together, me and the old girl. So what I can speak of, with much confidence, is how important a pap smear is and why the new-ish recommendations (as of 2009!) play a dangerous game with YOUR health.

First, allow me to introduce you to my reproductive system and why I care so much about this:

Multiple abnormal pap smears starting at 26 years old. Starting with low grade cervical dysplasia and led to years of follow up paps and some punch biopsies. No symptoms, dysplasia eventually "resolved."

Pap smear at age 29, came back normal. Four months later, at age 30, went to a new gyno with what felt mildly like a bladder infection - heavy feeling in the abdomen being the only symptom. Thinking I would pee in a cup, she insisted, since I was new, on doing a pap smear as well. Came back abnormal, just four months after the last one was normal. Tested positive for two HPV strains that have been known to cause cervical cancer.

That abnormal pap test resulted in punch biopsies, which came back abnormal. More punch biopsies and colposcopies. Then more. Lost count, maybe six? Then a LEEP, to check margins. Came back not only with unclear margins, but was classified as early stage cervical adenocarcinoma. Sent to a gynecological oncologist, chose to have a cold knife cone biopsy to check for clear margins before proceeding to a hysterectomy, thereby shortening and weakening my cervix. Margins were clear, no further treatment needed. Had pap smears every 3 months for two years, then every six months for three years - this will end in January 2012.

Two surgeries for Endometriosis, pelvic adhesion removal and removal of scar tissue that closed the cervix after previous surgery at 33.

Miscarriage at 34.

I've probably spent more time with my butt hanging off a table and my feet in stirrups than I have doing anything else in the past eight years. The point of this is, had I gone to my GP for what I believed to be a bladder infection, or had that gyno chosen to wait eight more months to do my next pap, I might not be here right now. In four months it had gone from a clean pap to an abnormal one, and cells had already mutated to a 1A level. Eight more months? Three more years? I don't even like to think about it. I'm lucky, I'll tell you that much.

Back to the yearly pap smears, though. For probably the past year, I've seen multiple magazines claiming that there is no need for yearly paps unless you've had an abnormal pap in the past three years or so. This....well, it concerns me, yes, but it also makes me rage. So I decided to see what the standard recommendation is, as set by...whoever gets to decide these things about us.

According to WomensHealth.gov, which is "a project of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Office on Women's Health:"

How often do I need to get a Pap test?

It depends on your age and health history. Talk with your doctor about what is best for you. Most women can follow these guidelines:

Starting at age 21, have a Pap test every 2 years.
If you are 30 years old and older and have had 3 normal Pap tests for 3 years in a row, talk to your doctor about spacing out Pap tests to every 3 years.
If you are over 65 years old, ask your doctor if you can stop having Pap tests.

Admittedly, this may not seem that weird. And to be fair, they do say to talk to your doctor about how often you should have one. But then, they have this to say about cervical cancer:

How can I reduce my chances of getting cervical cancer?

Aside from getting Pap tests, the best way to avoid cervical cancer is by steering clear of the human papillomavirus (HPV). HPV is a major cause of cervical cancer. HPV infection is also one of the most common sexually transmitted infections (STI). So, a woman boosts her chances of getting cervical cancer if she:

Starts having sex before age 18
Has many sex partners
Has sex partners who have other sex partners
Has or has had a STI

Oh. So....OTHER than getting pap tests as a way to reduce your chances of cervical cancer, you should just avoid getting HPV. Notice it makes no mention of the vaccine, for better or worse. Um, so let's see what they have to say about HPV, then:

What should I know about human papillomaviruses (HPV)?

Human papillomaviruses (HPV) are a group of more than 100 different viruses.

About 40 types of HPV are spread during sex.
Some types of HPVs can cause cervical cancer when not treated.
HPV infection is one of the most common sexually transmitted infections (STI).
About 75 percent of sexually active people will get HPV sometime in their life.
Most women with untreated HPV do not get cervical cancer.
Some HPVs cause genital warts but these HPVs do not cause cervical cancer.
Since HPV rarely causes symptoms, most people don't know they have the infection.

Let's review: about 40 types of HPV are spread during sex. You can't avoid it totally unless you abstain from sex altogether. About 75 PERCENT OF SEXUALLY ACTIVE PEOPLE WILL GET HPV SOMETIME IN THEIR LIFE. It does not matter how many sexual partners you have had (if you've only had one - unless you are their only, as well), it matters how many sexual partners they have had, and how many sexual partners their sexual partners have had, etc. Oh, did you know? It can be spread orally, not just through intercourse - something to think about. Most have no symptoms and therefore, women will not know they're infected unless tested during a pap smear. Some cause cancer if not treated. The only way to prevent cervical cancer, if you have not been able to avoid HPV, is to have PAP SMEARS.

Additionally, The HPV strains that cause cancer do not cause warts - thinking that since you don't have warts, you don't have HPV, is an inaccurate and dangerous assumption - they are different strains. As a matter of fact, according to the CDC, only 1% of sexually active adults in the U.S. have genital warts at any one time. And according to The National Cancer Institute, in 2011, more than 12,000 women in the United States were expected to be diagnosed with cervical cancer and more than 4,000 were expected to die from it (2). Cervical cancer is diagnosed in nearly half a million women each year worldwide, claiming a quarter of a million lives annually.

So, huh. Would you look at that contradictory information. Just to make it more confusing, let's see what another government agency has to say on the matter of pap smears. The FDA states:

When should women start getting pap tests?

All women should start getting pap tests about 3 years after they first have vaginal sex. All women should be getting pap tests by the time they are 21 years old.

How often should women get pap tests?

A woman should talk with her doctor or nurse to decide how often to have pap tests. How often a woman should have pap tests is based on many things, including:

her age
results of pap tests in the past
medical history
having human papilloma virus (HPV)
smoking

Okay. Now let's look at what the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists say, since that's more than likely where doctors will get their information:

According to the new ACOG guidelines, women aged 21 to 30 years should be screened every 2 years using either the standard Pap test or liquid-based cytology. Women 30 years and older who have had three consecutive negative (i.e., normal) cervical cytology test results may be screened once every 3 years with either screening test. Women older than 30 years can also be co-screened with a combination of the Pap test and an HPV test; if they receive negative results on both tests they do not need to be rescreened for at least 3 years. The ACOG guidelines also note that women with certain risk factors may need more frequent screening. These risk factors include being infected with human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), being immunosuppressed, having been exposed to diethylstilbestrol before birth, and having been treated for certain cervical abnormalities or cancer.

In a last moment of irony and confusion, the CDC states that:

Cervical cancer is most treatable when it is diagnosed and treated early. But women who get routine Pap tests and follow up as needed can identify problems before cancer develops. Prevention is always better than treatment.

No shit, really?

Here's why I believe that following the recommended guidelines will put your health in danger:

The information is contradictory.
The very first way to avoid cervical cancer listed by WomensHealth.gov is to receive pap tests. The CDC states that routine paps and follow ups give the best chance of survival and prevention. Yet, the new standard for healthy women is every three years. So, they're assuming that within the three years of your last pap, you will not contract HPV, yet 75% of the American population has it.

They believe that on average, the body will fight off the HPV infection before it can mutate, and that even if it does persist and mutate, it will take 10-15 years.
While this may be true for some women, it is not true for ALL women. I am proof of that.

The pap test is a simple, quick, relatively cost effective procedure.
It certainly costs less for insurance companies to pay for a yearly preventative test than to treat cancer. In fact, most insurance companies cover a yearly "well woman" exam at no charge. For the uninsured, Planned Parenthood offers pap tests and HPV tests for low cost - and YES, presidential candidates, congress, and other politicians that are STILL politicizing vaginas - they DO OTHER THINGS THAN ABORTION. Very important things. So, really - there's no reason NOT to have one once a year.

I fear that women that are already reluctant to have a pap test because they find them uncomfortable or embarrassing, but manage to drag themselves there once a year regardless, will stop going altogether if it's only every three years.
They might assume that since it's already been three years they are fine, or they might forget, or they might just ignore it. (Honestly, I don't understand the "it's uncomfortable or embarrassing" excuse to not go. You know what's more embarrassing and uncomfortable? Having a six inch needle stick your cervix five times while you're wide awake and then smelling your own flesh burning off. Just a thought.) Only going once a year gives some leeway if they do put it off - say for an additional year or so. If the recommendation is every three, and they put it off for another year or so - that's 4-5 years between paps.

Most women assume that their gynecological problems are normal - from heavy periods, to painful ovulation, to painful sex, to heavy discharge, whatever.
And therefore, they aren't going to run to the doctor as soon as something feels different or weird (although, you should, if it continues and especially if it hurts!), either because they think it's just a weird period or because they don't have time or because they just don't want to go to the trouble. The once yearly check could help identify issues they may think are normal - like Endometriosis, Adenomyosis or problems getting pregnant. I fear that women will suffer through these things, unnecessarily, for years because they aren't seeing their gyn's regularly.

No one cares more about your health than YOU do (or should).
I can understand the reasoning behind government health agencies having recommendations, for the sake of consistency. However, they aren't consistent and I, personally, don't believe them to be in your best interest. Again, I'm not a doctor, nurse or expert. I'm just someone that probably wouldn't be sitting here, typing this, had I not had a great doctor that believed my health was more important than some recommended guidelines.

You have to be your own advocate, and many women are scared shit-less to stand up for their reproductive healthcare rights, mainly because we've been told to sit down and shut up while men in office make the decisions for us. Ladies, fuck that. If a man can walk into a doctor's office and get a prescription that will enable him to have a boner, you can walk into a doctor's office and demand a once yearly pap smear that just might save your life. And if your doctor declines because they don't think it's necessary, find another one.

*AGAIN - I am not a doctor, nurse, healthcare professional, or an expert on anything listed here. I am writing this based on my experiences, my opinions, and the information I found at the highlighted links. This information may not be 100% accurate and if you find a glaring inaccuracy, please point it out and I will retract it or post the correct information. One problem I have found, which I believe I pointed out several times, is the inconsistency of information on so many sites. Therefore, different statistics may be listed on sites you find.

A lot has been said about politics; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate - Eric Idle

2012-01-25T20:13:00.000-05:00

Regardless of the fact that I have not actually posted any of my political beliefs in this post, someone will read it, and infer that they know them. I guarantee you that you do not. Although I did not share them in this post because I do not find them necessary to make my point, I will gladly share them with you should you ask in an open minded manner. My personal views are not up for debate, any more than yours are. They may, however, surprise you.

I used to identify with one political party, only.

In my eyes, there were two and only two - since those were the parties that had thus far held presidential office in this country. Although I didn't agree with everything that party stood for, or every candidate they nominated, or even everything a candidate that I did support did - my line of thinking was, and still is, this: in a presidential election, you can only vote for one candidate, from only one of the few parties represented. And you have to choose the one that represents the larger majority of what you believe in.

And when it's put that way, it sounds reasonable. You have a civic duty. You have belief systems. You want improvement or change of some sort in your world. You take one of the only two options you're given, and you do what you can. (I think it's obvious why I'm stating there are only two options and leaving out other parties, but just in case, I'll clarify why they've been left out - they have yet to win.)

Side note tangent: TWO. Two options. I am not a person that is satisfied with an A or B option. I don't want to only see what's behind door 1 or door 2, I want to peek behind door 3, 4....all of the damn doors. I don't see the world in black or white, right or wrong. Having to choose between only two options is ridiculous to me, and seems pretty ass backward for such a civilized nation.

But I've become incredibly disillusioned.The state of politics in this country has become more like a PBR fueled redneck rumble than intelligent discourse between consenting adults. I could sooner see my two rowdy uncles throwing down in the front yard on a Saturday night after a cheap beer fueled gin-rummy game (not that that's...ever happened...cough), than these educated, suited up adults and the people that vote for them acting the way they do. And, yet.

When politicians use party differences to withhold things that are in the best interest of the people of this country, but can band together and put aside party differences to dream up SOPA.
When they bicker and fight, publicly, privately, in television ads, on social media.
When they refuse to take responsibility for their own shortcomings or, much like a sarcastic pre-teen, take jabs at each other instead of focusing on what they should be doing.
When satirical shows replace actual news, and actual news is exaggerated and factually incorrect and biased.
When people are so devoutly stuck up a party's ass that they refuse to acknowledge what's going on within that party.
When people elect someone into office and then confidently turn their head, trusting that the person doesn't need to be watched or held accountable once in office.
When people think that anyone that disagrees with them politically is an idiot, or should just shut up.
When people post derogatory and presumptuous insults about any group of people on their Facebook page.
When people actually believe that one political party is 100% good and the other is 100% evil.
When people exclaim that we should all accept one another and the byproduct of not doing so, bullying, needs to stop...but then can't accept someone else's political point of view.

Michael Em

It's all so.....ugly. So trashy. So divisive. Something is wrong. And it's both sides. Every side. And it's no longer anything I want to be a part of. No one represents me. I don't have a candidate. I don't have a party. As of right now, I don't have a vote (and I think that's sad, but perhaps I'm not alone).

I hereby declare myself to be apolitical. Perhaps I'll start to give a shit again when the people that run our country and the people that vote for them can interact like adults.

Unicycle.

2012-01-22T19:18:00.003-05:00

I really like food. So much. I've become that person that takes pictures of (nearly) everything I eat. With an iPhone, because I'm not employed enough for a fancy camera.

Thank you for existing, Instagram.

What I've been eating:

Spicy burger with chopped chipotle peppers, topped with bacon and a fried cilantro egg.

Corned beef, rosemary fried egg, bok choy, and cultured vegetables (the little dollop of pink).

It was the first time I'd ever made bok choy, so I went with what I knew - cut it up, sauteed it with bacon ends, garlic and onion. Start with the stems, add the leaves toward the end. I can't wait to make this again. I baked the brisket with the corned beef seasonings and I greatly preferred that to the boiled method (blech!).

It starts with chicken, jalapenos, and cilantro.

And then you add sauteed garlic, onion, chicken broth, cumin, chili powder, and paprika.

Let the chef do its work for a few hours, and you get this. Make it. You won't regret it.

Most of the farmer's markets near my house (okay, all two of them), shut down for the winter. But then. BUT THEN! One of them decided to have a winter market, and make my life very happy.

Mexican style chorizo, country sausage and two packs of bacon ends from a local pork farm and local butcher shop, cultured vegetables and berry-coconut kefir (both for probiotics). If you're in the northern Atlanta 'burbs and don't want to drive inside the perimeter for the normal farmer's markets, check out the Marietta Square farmer's market on Saturday mornings. It's not as lively as their spring/summer market, but it's still great.

When I saw this on Pinterest, I had to have it. This was happening, even if I had to hurt someone to make it happen. Good news is, I didn't have to hurt anyone. Even MORE good news is, it was freaking awesome and way better for us than a commercial candy bar/ice cream/whatever.

We used extra dark chocolate, thinned it with coconut milk, and salted the tops.

Amazing. If you make these, SALT THE TOPS. You won't regret that. I don't talk people into doing things they'll regret. Except for getting tattoos that will be regretted...I'd totally do that.

Random photo of a dude on a unicycle on a busy road near us. Why? I don't know. Because he can, I guess. Wouldn't you ride a unicycle if you could? Yeah me neither.

There was more, but that's all you get because I'm tired, have to make dinner, go to the gym and do homework. At 7:15pm on a Sunday. It's due at 10:00pm. Sometimes I hate being such a procrastinator.

What have you been eating? I'm always looking for new ideas. As a side note, I can't seem to shove enough cilantro in my mouth right now.

Wheat Belly

2012-01-16T11:19:00.006-05:00

Yeah. This is happening.

BUT. It's certainly not the first time I've embarrassed myself online. It definitely won't be the last.

And, ya know. I like to think that the things I post on here help people in some way. So I guess when I look at it like that, it's not so bad. Or you're all snickering behind my back, ya buttholes.

Allow me to apologize for talking incessantly about eating. I, uh...don't really have anything going on right now, so that's pretty much all I've got to talk about.

Remember when I said I lost 6 lbs of bloat in just four days after going paleo? I realize that may have been a little hard to believe. I was going through my phone photos, alllll the way back to my iPhone 3G (hence the horrible photo quality), and realized I still had pics on there from when I first dealt with all of this. I was having such a difficult time with my stomach that I decided to document how it looked throughout the day, to prove to my doctor that I wasn't making it up.

This may have been a direct result of going to my ob/gyn first, and having her look at my stomach and declare that I just needed to diet and exercise. That genius must have breezed through medical school.

These photos (stitched together with Diptic) were taken in 2009, about six hours apart. The first was when I woke up, around 5:30 am. The second was taken right after lunch, about 11:30 am. This happened every.single.time I ate.

My photo. Duh.

Yep, same day, only about 6 hours apart. Not pregnant. Ignore my unfortunate fashion choices on both sides, it was difficult to find things that would stretch over a stomach that went from relatively flat to super pregnant in mere hours.

I'd basically wake up with a flat-ish stomach, eat breakfast and lunch, and end up with...that....thing. And that thing would stay, uncomfortably, achingly, miserably, all day long, disappearing only while I slept. And then the cycle would start all over again. I was so frustrated, unhappy, confused and concerned...and doctors just wanted me to eat better. I can see why they thought I was just a little fat, but that stomach was rock hard. Hence, the photos.

I finally found a doctor at Emory that took me seriously....and amazingly...prescribed the Atkins diet. Seriously. He put me on a severely restrictive low carb diet that's chock full of processed foods and chemicals (their shakes/bars/artificial sweeteners). Did he test me for anything? Uh....no. Don't be stupid. Why would a specialist at Emory that I had to interview with before I could be seen test me for something? But, I was so desperate for it to go away, I did it.

Also, I hate doctors.

It freaking worked. My stomach still hurt, but the bloating went away and I got super skinny. Really, really skinny (that wasn't part of the plan). That may also be because I was working 55+ hours a week, going to school full time, and planning a wedding. Who had time to eat? So I lived off of Atkins bars. Yuck.

But, lately, this has started happening again. I cut out gluten in September, and magically, no more stomach pain. But the bloating continued. Now I know that my body, for some reason, hates carbs. Gluten, yes. But this will also happen if I have fruit or good starches, like sweet potatoes.

So, yeah. I miss pizza and cupcakes and whatever, but I don't miss THAT crap up there. Not even a little bit. Could you give up all of the foods you love if it meant you didn't have to deal with that every day? I think you could.