Wish Fulfillment Every Day

A lot has been said about politics; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate - Eric Idle

2012-01-25T20:13:00.000-05:00

Regardless of the fact that I have not actually posted any of my political beliefs in this post, someone will read it, and infer that they know them. I guarantee you that you do not. Although I did not share them in this post because I do not find them necessary to make my point, I will gladly share them with you should you ask in an open minded manner. My personal views are not up for debate, any more than yours are. They may, however, surprise you.

I used to identify with one political party, only.

In my eyes, there were two and only two - since those were the parties that had thus far held presidential office in this country. Although I didn't agree with everything that party stood for, or every candidate they nominated, or even everything a candidate that I did support did - my line of thinking was, and still is, this: in a presidential election, you can only vote for one candidate, from only one of the few parties represented. And you have to choose the one that represents the larger majority of what you believe in.

And when it's put that way, it sounds reasonable. You have a civic duty. You have belief systems. You want improvement or change of some sort in your world. You take one of the only two options you're given, and you do what you can. (I think it's obvious why I'm stating there are only two options and leaving out other parties, but just in case, I'll clarify why they've been left out - they have yet to win.)

Side note tangent: TWO. Two options. I am not a person that is satisfied with an A or B option. I don't want to only see what's behind door 1 or door 2, I want to peek behind door 3, 4....all of the damn doors. I don't see the world in black or white, right or wrong. Having to choose between only two options is ridiculous to me, and seems pretty ass backward for such a civilized nation.

But I've become incredibly disillusioned.The state of politics in this country has become more like a PBR fueled redneck rumble than intelligent discourse between consenting adults. I could sooner see my two rowdy uncles throwing down in the front yard on a Saturday night after a cheap beer fueled gin-rummy game (not that that's...ever happened...cough), than these educated, suited up adults and the people that vote for them acting the way they do. And, yet.

When politicians use party differences to withhold things that are in the best interest of the people of this country, but can band together and put aside party differences to dream up SOPA.
When they bicker and fight, publicly, privately, in television ads, on social media.
When they refuse to take responsibility for their own shortcomings or, much like a sarcastic pre-teen, take jabs at each other instead of focusing on what they should be doing.
When satirical shows replace actual news, and actual news is exaggerated and factually incorrect and biased.
When people are so devoutly stuck up a party's ass that they refuse to acknowledge what's going on within that party.
When people elect someone into office and then confidently turn their head, trusting that the person doesn't need to be watched or held accountable once in office.
When people think that anyone that disagrees with them politically is an idiot, or should just shut up.
When people post derogatory and presumptuous insults about any group of people on their Facebook page.
When people actually believe that one political party is 100% good and the other is 100% evil.
When people exclaim that we should all accept one another and the byproduct of not doing so, bullying, needs to stop...but then can't accept someone else's political point of view.

Michael Em

It's all so.....ugly. So trashy. So divisive. Something is wrong. And it's both sides. Every side. And it's no longer anything I want to be a part of. No one represents me. I don't have a candidate. I don't have a party. As of right now, I don't have a vote (and I think that's sad, but perhaps I'm not alone).

I hereby declare myself to be apolitical. Perhaps I'll start to give a shit again when the people that run our country and the people that vote for them can interact like adults.

Unicycle.

2012-01-22T19:18:00.003-05:00

I really like food. So much. I've become that person that takes pictures of (nearly) everything I eat. With an iPhone, because I'm not employed enough for a fancy camera.

Thank you for existing, Instagram.

What I've been eating:

Spicy burger with chopped chipotle peppers, topped with bacon and a fried cilantro egg.

Corned beef, rosemary fried egg, bok choy, and cultured vegetables (the little dollop of pink).

It was the first time I'd ever made bok choy, so I went with what I knew - cut it up, sauteed it with bacon ends, garlic and onion. Start with the stems, add the leaves toward the end. I can't wait to make this again. I baked the brisket with the corned beef seasonings and I greatly preferred that to the boiled method (blech!).

It starts with chicken, jalapenos, and cilantro.

And then you add sauteed garlic, onion, chicken broth, cumin, chili powder, and paprika.

Let the chef do its work for a few hours, and you get this. Make it. You won't regret it.

Most of the farmer's markets near my house (okay, all two of them), shut down for the winter. But then. BUT THEN! One of them decided to have a winter market, and make my life very happy.

Mexican style chorizo, country sausage and two packs of bacon ends from a local pork farm and local butcher shop, cultured vegetables and berry-coconut kefir (both for probiotics). If you're in the northern Atlanta 'burbs and don't want to drive inside the perimeter for the normal farmer's markets, check out the Marietta Square farmer's market on Saturday mornings. It's not as lively as their spring/summer market, but it's still great.

When I saw this on Pinterest, I had to have it. This was happening, even if I had to hurt someone to make it happen. Good news is, I didn't have to hurt anyone. Even MORE good news is, it was freaking awesome and way better for us than a commercial candy bar/ice cream/whatever.

We used extra dark chocolate, thinned it with coconut milk, and salted the tops.

Amazing. If you make these, SALT THE TOPS. You won't regret that. I don't talk people into doing things they'll regret. Except for getting tattoos that will be regretted...I'd totally do that.

Random photo of a dude on a unicycle on a busy road near us. Why? I don't know. Because he can, I guess. Wouldn't you ride a unicycle if you could? Yeah me neither.

There was more, but that's all you get because I'm tired, have to make dinner, go to the gym and do homework. At 7:15pm on a Sunday. It's due at 10:00pm. Sometimes I hate being such a procrastinator.

What have you been eating? I'm always looking for new ideas. As a side note, I can't seem to shove enough cilantro in my mouth right now.

Wheat Belly

2012-01-16T11:19:00.006-05:00

Yeah. This is happening.

BUT. It's certainly not the first time I've embarrassed myself online. It definitely won't be the last.

And, ya know. I like to think that the things I post on here help people in some way. So I guess when I look at it like that, it's not so bad. Or you're all snickering behind my back, ya buttholes.

Allow me to apologize for talking incessantly about eating. I, uh...don't really have anything going on right now, so that's pretty much all I've got to talk about.

Remember when I said I lost 6 lbs of bloat in just four days after going paleo? I realize that may have been a little hard to believe. I was going through my phone photos, alllll the way back to my iPhone 3G (hence the horrible photo quality), and realized I still had pics on there from when I first dealt with all of this. I was having such a difficult time with my stomach that I decided to document how it looked throughout the day, to prove to my doctor that I wasn't making it up.

This may have been a direct result of going to my ob/gyn first, and having her look at my stomach and declare that I just needed to diet and exercise. That genius must have breezed through medical school.

These photos (stitched together with Diptic) were taken in 2009, about six hours apart. The first was when I woke up, around 5:30 am. The second was taken right after lunch, about 11:30 am. This happened every.single.time I ate.

My photo. Duh.

Yep, same day, only about 6 hours apart. Not pregnant. Ignore my unfortunate fashion choices on both sides, it was difficult to find things that would stretch over a stomach that went from relatively flat to super pregnant in mere hours.

I'd basically wake up with a flat-ish stomach, eat breakfast and lunch, and end up with...that....thing. And that thing would stay, uncomfortably, achingly, miserably, all day long, disappearing only while I slept. And then the cycle would start all over again. I was so frustrated, unhappy, confused and concerned...and doctors just wanted me to eat better. I can see why they thought I was just a little fat, but that stomach was rock hard. Hence, the photos.

I finally found a doctor at Emory that took me seriously....and amazingly...prescribed the Atkins diet. Seriously. He put me on a severely restrictive low carb diet that's chock full of processed foods and chemicals (their shakes/bars/artificial sweeteners). Did he test me for anything? Uh....no. Don't be stupid. Why would a specialist at Emory that I had to interview with before I could be seen test me for something? But, I was so desperate for it to go away, I did it.

Also, I hate doctors.

It freaking worked. My stomach still hurt, but the bloating went away and I got super skinny. Really, really skinny (that wasn't part of the plan). That may also be because I was working 55+ hours a week, going to school full time, and planning a wedding. Who had time to eat? So I lived off of Atkins bars. Yuck.

But, lately, this has started happening again. I cut out gluten in September, and magically, no more stomach pain. But the bloating continued. Now I know that my body, for some reason, hates carbs. Gluten, yes. But this will also happen if I have fruit or good starches, like sweet potatoes.

So, yeah. I miss pizza and cupcakes and whatever, but I don't miss THAT crap up there. Not even a little bit. Could you give up all of the foods you love if it meant you didn't have to deal with that every day? I think you could.

What we eat. Bacon! We eat bacon.

2012-01-12T11:31:00.003-05:00

Well, you guys are awesome. I always think I'm going to get some harsh feedback on certain posts, and it never happens. Guess that's what having supportive, open-minded friends is like, huh?

We're now 11 days into the Paleo challenge, and loving it more every day. A lot of people want to know what we eat, which is a fair question. I posed the same question to my vegan friend, Anni, and she graciously and patiently obliged my curiosity, so I get it.

I'm not the best at remembering to take photos (especially of my food, it gets shoveled into my mouth with alarming speed), but I tried to remember to snap most of what we ate yesterday. Josh is on vacation this week, so we've been sleeping in every morning (oh, glorious) and skipping breakfast. So, I'll do this again next week when I actually eat three meals a day instead of two.

Wednesday Eats

Lunch was fried eggs with fresh rosemary (if you've never made eggs with rosemary...you just don't KNOW.) and bacon. Go ahead and imagine there's some bacon there.

Snack was a cashew cookie Larabar (I forgot to take a pic).

Dinner was baked chicken breast with rosemary (we like some rosemary up in here), garlic, and lemon and a spinach salad with warm bacon vinaigrette.

Warm bacon vinaigrette should be a food group. It's super simple:

cook about 5 slices of bacon on the stove, chop it up
save approx 3 tbsps of the grease
add 1/4 c diced onion to the grease, sautee until translucent
turn heat to low, add 3 tbsp apple cider vinegar
1/2 tsp dijon or grainy mustard (Zataran's cajun mustard has minimal ingredients)
1 tsp maple syrup
dash of salt
add the bacon, and whisk until combined
do a flavor check, add more of whatever to get the taste you want (less tart, etc)
pour over salad and toss to coat
feel like a boss when your husband eats spinach and likes it for the first time ever

We were both craving a snack after dinner, so we made these almond cookies from The Foodie and the Family, but traded the honey for maple syrup.

I should mention that we ate more sugar today than we normally do. Between the syrup in the dressing and the syrup in the cookies, plus the Larabar, it was a lot (comparatively).

By the way, did you know that most honey on US grocery shelves is illegally imported honey that contains lead and antibiotics? I first read about this in a magazine...Self or Shape....and looked it up. Scary. Buy local!

Stats

10 days in (weighed/measured last night)

Weight lost: Holding steady at 6 lbs, all carb bloat
Bust: -1.5"
Hips: -1"
Waist: -2" (bloat!)
Arms: -1"
Thighs: -.5"

Seriously. I'm serious. That's with one day of exercise (er, we've been lazy). I think 98% of this is just bloat loss, which I'm fine with. Bloat is the devil. I want to gain back the inches I lose, but in muscle instead of fat. I know, I know....for that to happen I have to get my lazy butt up and work out.

I'm tracking my food and progress on My Fitness Pal, which is turning out to be an excellent source of inspiration, motivation, and encouragement. I'm ohdearitsyou, if you care to befriend me.

Why I Went Paleo

2012-01-10T00:51:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, you make up your mind to go one way, only to realize you've hit a dead end.

For instance, one of my goals to work on this year (commonly known as resolutions, that dirty, dirty word) was to swear less. I hear that it's "unattractive," but you know I don't give a shi....crap...about what people think. Regardless, I decided to do it less. Well, that sucked. So today, I decided fu....screw it..., I'll just change my goal to swear with more creativity. And, you know? I'm already feeling more successful.

See? Sometimes you just need to change your objectives.

So it went with how I was eating. My switch to gluten free worked wonders for my stomach. But then all of these gluten free grains and sweets just fell into my mouth, and I gained weight.

Okay, they didn't fall into my mouth so much as were shoved there by me. Did you know that a lot of Ben + Jerry's ice creams are gluten free? Did you also know that it's almost required to eat ten pints to recover from a miscarriage? Okay, it's not really required. I just discovered that there were plenty of awesome gluten free foods out there and decided to taste them all.

I've already posted before about how high fat/high protein/low carb diets work best for my body and how sugar and I don't get along. I love it so much, in a stalker-creeper way, and it makes me crazy. Vicious cycle. (Also, I just read that post and it still amazes that no doctor ever caught on to my having a possible gluten intolerance. Unbelievable.)

So what's a gluten free girl that's trying to lose a few pounds to do? Paleo seemed like the obvious next step, since it's naturally gluten free and low carb/high fat/high protein.

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on it, we're only seven days in so far. As I understand it, and I'm still learning, these are the basics (stripped down version).

You should eat:

Meat. Preferably grass-fed beef, free range fowl, etc. No antibiotic or hormone fed meats. Eggs. (as much as we like to do that, and do try, I'm still unemployed so we get what we get)
Vegetables and fruit, preferably those that are in season
Some starches, such as sweet potatoes and butternut squash
Healthy fats like those found in avocados, coconuts, nuts, etc.

You should not eat:

Legumes, beans, soy, and no peanuts or peanut butter (peanuts are technically a legume)
Dairy
Processed foods (most contain soy, gluten, refined sugar)
Refined sugar
Grains (including rice, corn)

I was intimidated when I first heard about this a few years ago, but now it seems kind of simple. Eat real food, cook it yourself, no fast food, etc. I can do this. I should do this.

So we've been doing this, for seven days. I decided to make a lifestyle change with it (NOT a diet), and challenged Josh to go along with me for 30 days, and he was game. Before we started, we weighed ourselves and took our measurements. Four days in, I'd lost six pounds. Six pounds of carb bloat. Carbs make me bloat, gluten free or not. We haven't really worked out, because we wanted to ease ourselves into it with one big change at a time, so we're going to start working out this week.

My observations thus far:

We are cooking a LOT. We are cooking a few meals at a time so we always have something ready to eat. This means we're cleaning our kitchen a LOT.
We've also gotten more creative with food, which is a nice change from our previous rut.
My skin is clearing up.
Our appetites have decreased and we no longer get the hungry shakes.
We have eaten a few Larabars in a pinch, they seem to be pretty damn close to paleo.
We get to eat bacon. Enough said.
We are probably 90% paleo. We aren't perfect, but we try our best and we're doing pretty well, I'd say.
Josh misses carbs. I feel so much better off of them, I don't miss their bloat inducing asses at all.
We aren't eating fruit or starches - yet. Fruit still hurts my stomach, and starches cause me to crave sugar. So we're being safe and staying away for a while (sans Larabars, which contain fruit).
We don't really know what to do with vegetables.
This isn't right for everyone. It's right for me, though. I feel good. And that's all that matters.
Never eating organ meat. God, no. NO.
My only dairy cheat is a dash of organic cow milk in my daily coffee. Sinuses feel a LOT better sans heavy dairy (I don't like coconut or nut milks in my coffee).

I'm not actually sure what happened to my link-love tab, but I'll be adding that again (damn it, takes forever) and adding the list of paleo blogs I've found that have made my life much easier during this.

A few of my favorites:

Marks Daily Apple
The Paleo Project
Health-Bent
PaleOMG
The Clothes Make the Girl
Stacey's Paleo Kitchen
Mile High Maven

I've talked to several of the people that author these blogs and they are SO. FREAKING. NICE. and helpful.

I'll be posting before/after pics.....eventually. Hey, I'm vain. If I don't want you to see my stomach muffin, you won't see my stomach muffin. But, I'll get there. Eventually. Maybe. No, no I will. Probably. Leave me alone about it, OKAY?

Anyway.

I'm not getting into any arguments about how this is bad for you, bad for animals, bad for America, bad for anything. Everyone is different, everyone is entitled to eat the way they want to, for the reasons they want, so, ya know...shut it. Please and thank you. :)

*Crossfit still terrifies me.

Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity

2011-12-30T09:02:00.001-05:00

So yeah, you guys.

2011 happened.

I like to attach a soundtrack to my life, naturally. Don't you? This year's soundtrack was undoubtedly the whole Wish album by The Cure, which is basically like riding the bipolar express to moodyville. Seriously, have you listened to it? One minute, Robert Smith is all "wooooo!" and the next he's all "whhhhhyyyy?" And you know, that's kind of how my year went, as well. Witness:

"What? Why me! What? WHYYYY?"

"Oh yaaaay, so lucky!"

"FML."

"LIFE! FUCK YEAH!"

"Fuck."

"LIFFFFFFFFFFE!!!"

Let us recap.

January: I started the year unemployed. Needed to have surgery. These two things were related.

February: Josh turned 30! I somehow have no photos of this, though I know some were taken.

March: Found out my insurance wouldn't cover said surgery. Ugly face cried on the internet for VOTMC.

As a result of the ugly face cry and my amazing friends (and the kindness of total strangers, some of whom became friends): OPERATION LAYLA. The single most amazing thing that ever happened to me. Can't ever find the words to express my gratitude and love. Of all the bad things that happened in 2011, this in itself just kind of counteracts it all. This. THIS.

I made them play REO Speedwagon during surgery #1. I posted a video of my guts on the internet for your guts viewing pleasure and told you about the stinky pee lady.

I lost a friend and posted a cautionary tale for brides-to-be.

May: Recovery didn't go so well. Enter surgery #2.

Recovery really, really didn't go so well. Cue ambulance ride and hospital stay.

June: We took a weekend trip to Chattanooga just because. Josh was cute.

October: I turned 34!

July - October: I hibernated.

October: Found out I was pregnant. Had a miscarriage.

For an unrelated reason, went gluten-free and it changed my life for the better!

Ended the year unemployed BUT with even more amazing friends, no stomach problems, and no more endometriosis issues, and the knowledge that I now, post surgery, possess the ability to become pregnant. All because of Operation Layla. :)

It wasn't all bad, seriously. That's why Wish is my soundtrack, I was on that roller coaster too, Robert Smith. I was right there with ya. But dude....I want off. This is my last ride. No offense to you, you were great company. But it's time.

2011 taught me so many things about myself. Given that lessons like that are hard to come by, how can I call it a bad year? I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I learned that I don't have to be friends with people just because. I learned that I have some truly great friends, and learned to let go of the not so great ones. I learned that bangs make me look waaaaay friendly by covering up my judgmental eyebrow. I learned, by the example set from some amazing people - my husband, mother-in-law, and friends included, how to be more of a selfless, caring, giving person and less of a selfish bitch. This is, honestly, one of those things I've always known about myself and have always needed to work on, but being that the nature of selfish bitchery is to be...well...selfish, I didn't bother. Now, I actually want to be more like the people I've surrounded myself with.

New years are exciting because although nothing really changes (other than the date, which I'll forget to write properly until at least August), we see January as a reset button for our lives. And why not? Everything, everyone, needs to hit a reset button at times. January is a great time to do so.

This isn't a resolution: this is a STATEMENT. If 2011 was the year of no, then 2012 will be the year of YES.

I can't give 2012 a soundtrack just yet, it has to come along organically as the year progresses. But it's starting off, loudly, with this.

Take it, Freddie.

"Don't stop me! Don't stop me! Don't stop me! oh oh oh!"

Jazz hands, y'all.

Happy New Year!

New friends and dead fish. Not at the same time.

2011-12-14T20:05:00.002-05:00

Happy merry christmas holidays, for gosh sakes. It's only...some..days until Christmas. 11? 12? It's soon. I was never really good with math.

I usually stare on in forlorn sadness at all of the pet swaps that go on this time of year on my friends' blogs, because I don't have a pet. Well, I had a fish for a while, but Dwight Schrute literally backed his ass into a filing cabinet and died. And I really don't know what people would send for a neurotic fish anyway, so I never got to participate.

Do you see him in there? You can see his eyeball. That was his office. I guess if I lived in an office, I'd back my ass into a filing cabinet and die, too.

But this year! Oh, this year. No, I didn't get a pet. I participated in an ornament swap! And I made a new friend to boot. Internet, you have pleased me.

My friend Laura at The Luckiest in Love organized this swap (thanks, Laura!) and she paired me with Jessica from The Landlady Diaries. I didn't know Jessica, so this was extra fun, checking out her blog, emailing her, trying to get a feel for what she liked and didn't like. Or, more accurately, getting a feel for how ridiculous and myself I could be with this swap. And guess what? Laura did an excellent job matching us up, because it turns out that Jessica has incredibly eclectic taste and is totally awesome.

At first I was all, cool...I can totally DIY this and not really have to pay for anything since my butt is POOR but then I was all, yeah I don't know how to make jack crap. So I bought her a fab pizza ornament and an...indescribable but incredibly adorable gnome ornament. I told her one was cute and one was ridiculous and I'd let her decide which was which.

And Jessica, knowing my penchant for glittery items and bright colors, did an amazing job on my ornament, as well.

Witness:

All of these things! That "I whisk you a merry Christmas" note was attached to a whisk that had been put in a bag, which was full of chocolates! So clever (and delicious)!

I love him. We've named him Malzahn (props if you get the roundabout Arkansas/name/Jessica's blog reference).

And this! It makes the whole house smell like cookies. Which is by far better than the house actually being full of cookies. Well, better for my butt.

So, thank you again Jessica for the great gifts! I loved having you as a swap partner, "meeting" you, and discovering your blog. To new friends!

And a big thank you to Laura for putting this together!

Work.

2011-12-07T11:23:00.001-05:00

As of next week, I will have been unemployed for one year. Remember when I lost my job because I had to have surgery? That was around December 12th of last year, we think.

Since then, I've been on countless interviews, was told I had a job at one company, even signed the offer letter and committed to start, but they pulled the rug out from under me and said they had decided not to go forward with the position. I've been told that the fact that I'm in college kept me from getting another job, because they felt like I would just leave as soon as I graduated (Um, where am I going to go? The magical fairy land full of jobs?). I never heard back from several interviewers, and I apply for positions daily.

I have tried going the temporary agency route, but so far that has been a bust as well. Networking hasn't panned out, because everyone knows at least ten other people that are in my position (unemployment in Georgia isn't the highest in the nation - but we are in the top 15). My experience isn't common - I'm a procurement agent/purchasing analyst but I also (briefly) dabbled in a corporate legal department. However, I don't have a purchasing certification, nor am I a paralegal. I just have years of experience working in purchasing, but unfortunately, it seems that the job requirements for it are getting crazier by the day. Graduate degree? Certification? 15+ years of experience? Well, that rules me out. I'm still in college, I live in the way out there suburbs (only people that live in or have lived in Atlanta understand how that's a problem for employers), and although I look 22, I am not, and can't functionally live off of the "just out of school" salary that many places are offering. Though, right now......that actually sounds pretty good. Oh, did I mention I'm in college for neither law or procurement? Just to make it more complicated.

I've tried to volunteer - signing up at six local agencies that said they needed volunteers. Nothing! I tried to intern, which wouldn't even count as college credit because my college is technically out of state, even though the campus is here. I just wanted the experience! Total bust.

My favorite question this year has been, "why don't you just get a job in retail until something comes along?" This question irritates me for several reasons.

First, my husband is a retail manager, so we don't have the common view that retail jobs only exist as a way to pay your bills until something better comes along. He lives with more than enough stress because he has to try to weed out employees that are only applying for that reason.

Second, math. Unless you're a manager (which I'm not, nor do I want to be), you make jack crap for pay and I actually do better, right now, on unemployment. Once unemployment runs out, that won't be the case. But if I accept a job, even a retail job for the holidays, I lose my unemployment.

Which leads me to reason three, hours. If I'm going to give up my low but guaranteed unemployment check, I need to be sure it's for a job that is giving me full time hours so that I have a steady rate of pay. Josh has had to cut hours to the point that he can't accomplish what he is supposed to accomplish - and can't make anyone happy in the process. He was told to hire X amount of employees for the holidays, and has several on payroll that haven't worked an hour yet. He can schedule people for 3 hours a week - 3 HOURS A WEEK. That's not worth losing my low but guaranteed unemployment check. Meanwhile, he's working 55 or more hours a week.

None of that is to say that I wouldn't apply for retail jobs - I would. It's just to show the reasons why I have not, as of yet, and why it's not quite as easy nor as great of a solution as people tend to believe it to be.

It's getting scary, though. I've started to feel really rejected and am wanting to give up, which is dangerous. It's been a hell of a year, and I just want a job. I want to feel like a productive human being, I want to leave my house, I want to earn money, I want to pay my bills, I want to not be so stressed 100% of the time, I want to stop getting collections letters. And I know that I'm just one of so many in the same situation. And I know, for some reason, that the longer you are unemployed the more undesirable of a candidate you are. Something needs to happen soon. I'm not housewife material. I hate sitting at home, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do all day, and although I know it appeals to some, I can't stand it (and no, I don't have kids and I know that if I did have kids I'd have plenty to do during the day, yadda yadda - tha'ts neither here nor there. I don't want to be a housewife).

I sincerely thought about starting my own job searching Twitter account, mainly so I don't bug my friends on my regular account but also so I can broaden my network, but I honestly have no idea how to present myself. Am I a procurement analyst? Am I a legal assistant? Am I trying to break into a totally new field altogether that is more in sync with my degree? Why have I been unemployed for a year, why was I fired, if it was for health reasons, how can I reassure them that they are really resolved without divulging that I had multiple surgeries? How do I reassure them that I'm in it for the long haul and not jumping ship the minute I graduate?

I'm....clueless. I have no idea how to market myself. I need advice. Job searching is no longer about applying for an open job and hoping they call - it's about personal branding and selling yourself better than the 500 other people that have applied for the same job.

Have you or anyone you know ever been in a similar situation, and if so, how did you overcome it?

ETA: Thank you SO much for the advice - I don't care if it's something I've already tried or not, hearing your stories and reminding me of what I have to do IS helpful, so thank you! I should have mentioned - and this is VERY IMPORTANT because I will not budge on it - I am very much anti-LinkedIn. I have several reasons for this, but my main one being that I value my internet privacy very much, and posting on LinkedIn would require me to use my legal name (nope, I don't on here, FB or Twitter - sorry if you thought you knew me like that!) and it gives too many people that don't need to know too much information about me. I only feel the need to share that information with a person, on my resume, if I am sending it to them for a job. It's just my view on it, you may love it and that's cool, but I don't. Its algorithm for suggesting people is frightening, as well. I don't need to be linked professionally to everyone I know. Just my opinion on LinkedIn!

Gifts that give back - 2011

2011-12-02T08:00:00.000-05:00

Oh hey, what's up December?

Josh and I aren't celebrating Christmas this year. Well, I mean that we aren't exchanging gifts - we did decorate and are celebrating the season, of course. But with the unexpected need for my new laptop and the fact that I'm still unemployed (Someone hire me? Please?), we really have no other option. My favorite part of Christmas (other than family time) is decorating, the food, and the stockings, anyway. So we're giving each other stockings with $1-$3 items in them - no hidden gifts. I know you're reading this, sir. NO. HIDDEN. GIFTS.

But in the grand scheme of things, we realize just how blessed we are, and we want to share that with others. So we've been purchasing gifts at certain stores that give them to children in need (Dollar Tree, in our neck of the woods, lets you purchase $1 gifts for children, which they will donate - in our area, they go to children that have lost a parent in the military), and we plan on adopting an Angel Tree child or two to buy gifts for this year. I wish we could do more, but I'm glad that we can do anything at all. Plus, we don't need anything. Sincerely, we have everything we need and more. We are genuinely blessed, and we know it.

But! If you are shopping for others this year (no shame in that, my husband works in retail. Spend it if you've got it, please!), you can do both - purchase gifts for friends and family and help others at the same time.

Here are some of my favorite ideas for gifts that give back in 2011!

Altruette

Have you heard of Altruette? They create beautiful sterling silver and 14k gold charms that are designed and produced in the U.S., and 50% of the net profit from their sales goes straight to their cause partners, some of which include International Rescue Committee, The Humane Society of the United States, Operation Gratitude, and Toys for Tots, plus many, many more (information via their website). They have a list of all of their cause partners, and you can shop by cause, by event, or by category. Seriously - check out their website. If you aren't really a charm person, you can go to any of the websites listed for their cause partners and find other ways to help.

Lush

Lush is one of my favorites - I could, and have, spent hours in their tiny stores. They offer a body lotion called Charity Pot, that is made with cocoa butter and almond oil, so you know it smells goooood. The best part about Charity Pot is that every penny of the $21.95 you pay for 7.9 oz (minus tax, of course) goes to grassroots charities all over the world. You can accomplish two things when you purchase a Charity Pot - introduce someone to Lush and support charity.

Common Threadz

"Seeing Eye" by Kristian Bauthus - artist designed shirt

"The Ride" by Simangaliso Mnguni - orphan designed shirt

Common Threadz sells some really cool shirts, designed by artist's, celebrities, and African orphans. The shirts are printed on American Apparel t-shirts, and even though they're a bit pricey for a t-shirt, they're limited edition, not likely to be seen on another person you know, and they give back. The gift that is given depends on which shirt is purchased - for instance, the purchase of the artist designed shirt will provide an orphan with a school uniform (which are required for them to attend), and the purchase of an orphan designed shirt will feed an orphan for one month. Double awesome. Common Threadz has several other ways to help, as well, such as Shoes for Kids and child sponsorship.

Loccitane

How cute is this? Loccitane sales this adorable ORBIS Get On Board For Sight soap for only $6.00, and 100% of the proceeds go to ORBIS, which is dedicated to eliminating preventable blindness around the world (per the Loccitane website). ORBIS is truly fascinating - in addition to the many other awesome things they do (seriously, click the link and read about it!) they have a "flying hospital." Seriously - an airplane that is fully stocked as a hospital - complete with an operating room. Per the ORBIS website, since 1982, the jet has traveled to more than 85 countries and saved the eyesight of millions of people. In addition to contributing to this wonderful cause, this cute soap would be a great way to teach a little one the importance of giving, perhaps while bathing and telling them how their soap is helping other little kids see. Brilliant!

Williams-Sonoma

There's always that random person that you feel the need to buy for, but have no idea what to get. Maybe you don't have a clue what they're into, or they're just incredibly hard to buy for, and you worry that whatever you get will just be a wasted gift. Whoever it is, if you buy them this Williams-Sonoma chocolate chip cookie mix for $15.95, you'll know that your gift is not being wasted, because 20% of the proceeds will go to the No Kid Hungry campaign to end childhood hunger. And quite frankly, if the recipient doesn't like it, it's a perfect re-gifting gift!

Check out those websites and buy some gifts that give back!

*I wasn't paid by any of these companies to talk about these items, or the charities they sponsor. I just think they're really cool gifts that serve a really cool cause.

Instagram Dump

2011-11-30T08:00:00.000-05:00

Are you following me on Instagram? I'm @Laylabelle. Tell me your handle so I can follow you!

At the fair in October.

Our halloween mantle

Cute guy, giant beer, Hulk Hogan shirt. Chattanooga trip in August.

Couldn't get that off for days. Got it all over my coffee table, as well. It's still there.

Little tree for the record player. Decorated with disco balls, of course.

Unintentional Christmas gift for myself, since my 5 yr old Mac was biting the big one.

I'm a student, I'm job seeking and also hopefully freelance writing soon, so I can't be without a computer, and I don't get along with PC's. You might think I'm crazy, but I think the whole "I'm a Mac/PC" thing is for real. I think Mac people are left brainers and PC people are right brainers. I honestly can't work a PC very well, Windows just doesn't make sense to me. I can use it (I've always had to use it at work, so I can use them very well), but it just doesn't feel right or make sense to me. Mac's make sense to me, even if they are ridiculously expensive.

I will say this, my husband went through two Android's and another cell phone in the three years that I had an iPhone 3G, and he has gone through two PC laptops in less time than I had my previous Mac, so I think there's something to be said getting what you pay for, or Apple products in general. I did buy my new one at Best Buy on black Friday and got a great deal, so although it stinks that I essentially had to spend money I don't really have and have to learn a new laptop (there were some changes), it's been like heaven in my house. I can accomplish so much more in less time - no spinning beach balls while my computer walks over to the file cabinet to search for what I want, no more rebooting because stupid me tried to listen to Spotify WHILE trying to type an email.

A Very Pinterest Christmas

2011-11-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

My friend Amy at The Bookworm Wife came up with something I love - A Very Pinterest Christmas, which is basically showing Christmas crafts, food, decorations, etc. that you made based on pins you found on Pinterest. Since I do make things I find on Pinterest pretty regularly, I was all about this. Link up with her!

Warning! It's a long one! I get amazingly crafty when I'm avoiding writing term papers.

Ombre Tree

As soon as I saw this tree with ombre ornaments, I knew I had to do it. We have a skinny white tree, and the ornaments tend to overpower it pretty easily. I was hopeful that this would make the tree look less like a giant ornament ball and more like a tree. I also loved the ribbons that make up the tree skirt, but I wasn't feeling that ambitious.

The inspiration:


The original pin was taken from a blog that has since removed the page this was on, so I don't really know who to link it to.

My version:

Yeah, I still don't have a fancy camera, so it's instagramed pics from my iphone, as usual. Also, that tree may be leaning a bit. A lot.

We already owned all of the ornaments, which start with sparkly small silver ones, at the top, and fade down into larger silver, glittery silver, and white. Then it goes to turquoise, bright blue, matte blue, and glittery light blue. Next is matte purple, bright purple, glittery purple and more silver (just to fill it in, since we didn't have much purple), and it ends with all glittery magenta. We've had the topper for a few years, as well. It's really not a topper - it's just those sprigs of stuff you buy at Hobby Lobby to stick in the tree in random places, tied together and tied to the tree with zip ties. Although I liked the final look (and it looks better in person), I think it would work better on a larger, fuller tree, like in the inspiration photo.

The second one is multi-fold. I wanted a mirror to go above our mantle, and found one for $5 on Craigslist that was similar to one I had seen on a website (and pinned). The mantle itself also has several things on it that were inspired by pins on Pinterest.

Bamboo Mirror

The original mirror pin:

Pinned by me from here

And the $5 mirror I scored on CL:

The girl I bought it from had a look of disgust on her face when she handed it over. Some people have no imagination!

The finished mirror + our mantle:

I didn't want it to look as brassy as the inspiration pic, so I painted it with one bottle of $2.97 Martha Stewart metallic copper and "antiqued" the notches in the bamboo with a 99 cent bottle of metallic brown.

Tree in a Jar

The mantle has three decorations that were inspired by Pinterest. The first are the two small bottle brush trees in mason jars, with fake snow.

The inspiration pin:

From The Tortoise and the Hare

And my less inspirational version:

I wasn't really in the mood to bleach bottle brush trees, so I bought this light green glittery one, but it was a little fat around the middle. It still fit into my standard size mason jars, but I think it would have look better in a bigger jar. I'm also thinking I'll buy some bottle brush trees after Christmas when they go on clearance and bleach and dye them for next year. Because, really? The originals are SO much better than mine.

Pine Cone Garland

Original pin:

From Twig and Thistle

You can see mine in the pics above, or below. The original doesn't seem to be that heavy, but mine is SO heavy. I swear it swags further down every single day. Also, this was a big ol' pain in the butt to make. Those screw-in eye hooks will go into the pine cones, but not without a lot of effort. And scratches. Lots and lots of scratches.

Doily/Paper Plate Trees

Pin:

From Cheeky Magpie

Mine:

Yep, not the same (and yes, there is still paint on the mirror, ha). I couldn't make those dang doilies fold and stay no matter how hard I tried. So I ended up using two paper plates to make a base (one folded larger, then one folded smaller over the first one) and glued the doily to that. Then I sprayed it with adhesive and rolled in glorious glitter. In doing so, I accidentally glued glitter to our coffee table. Honestly, it was an improvement. I set the tree on a candlestick, stuck it next to two snowmen with jazz hands, and called it a day....it was too much of a pain to make more.

And there you have it, my A Very Pinterest Christmas crafts to date. Once I finish this stupid term paper (due on Wednesday - I have yet to pick a topic. I make procrastination an ART FORM), I'll bust out the glitter and see what else I can sprinkle it on.

Link up with The Bookworm Wife and show off your Pinterest inspired Christmas crafts! Not on Pinterest? Email me for an invite...you won't regret it. Actually, you'll regret it, but you won't care.

Give Thanks.

2011-11-23T10:05:00.000-05:00

I'm thankful.

Yes, this year has been the ultimate test. You know the levels of Super Mario Bros. games that are underground, with lava? And you have to run really fast to get through it, and jump at just the right points, or you fall in lava and have to start all over again? That's how this year has felt.

And yet. AND YET. It has honestly been one of the best years of my life.

If I stop, really stop, and think about each individual thing that happened and think about the good things that came from them....it's beyond amazing.

You think I'm crazy? Let me explain:

I met some of the best people in the world this year. I became friends with so many people that I never would have met otherwise, friends that I love very much.

I was able to think long and hard about my future career plans, where I'd possibly like to go and what I'd like to do, and focus more on school. I'm still not 100% sure of my path, but at least I have a better plan now (and better grades!).

I'm healthier than I've ever been and I feel better than I ever have.

I married the most amazing dude, and he's made me laugh like a loon throughout this year. Any guy that can do that is a keeper.

Operation Layla. The single most amazing experience of my life.
*side note about OL - I lost my thank you cards from the first surgery, probably about the time of the second one in May, and I thought they were gone forever. Most were already addressed and stamped and ready to go, and for some reason, I was carting them around in a Ross bag. I JUST FOUND THEM, in my Christmas decorations. I don't know if I put them there or if someone else put them there, but it was probably me, since I was the only one on Percocet. Those will be going out soon!!!!!I felt so bad about losing them and was planning on typing up a letter to send to each person instead, but I'm so glad I found them! I had written personal notes in them and I really wanted those to go out. Yay!!

We've lived in our house for almost three years, yet I still hadn't finished hanging everything up and unpacking boxes. Guess what I've been doing? And even though it's always felt like home, now it looks like it, too.

Speaking of, we live in a beautiful house, with amazing neighbors. I'm serious, I love my neighbors so much. We don't want to move unless we can take them with us.

I got my "me" back (and likewise, Josh got his wife back).

Has it been a perfect year? No! Is it ever? But it's been pretty amazing, either way. And I'm thankful for every minute of it.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends! I hope you have a wonderful time with family and friends.

Let's talk about really disgusting things, baby

2011-11-21T17:51:00.001-05:00

Can we talk?

About.....poop?

Yeah, I said it.

I used to be really skinny. Really, really skinny. And people...total strangers, friends of my mom's, co-workers, would ask me how I stayed so skinny. Honestly, I assumed it was mostly metabolism and whatnot. But mainly, I was so irritated that people were asking me such a "nunya" question (would they walk up to someone and ask them how they stay so fat?) that I always immediately shot back with "diarrhea." That usually shut them up, and maybe, hopefully, taught them a lesson about asking stupid questions (contrary to what your teachers told you, they do exist).

But, uh...there was a lot of truth in that answer, too. I honestly can't remember a time in my whole entire life where being near a bathroom wasn't a priority. It's made traveling difficult to impossible. I once bailed on a trip to NYC, en route to the airport, because I was so freaked out about being in a huge city and a possible lack of public restrooms with the most turbulent of tummies. Going overseas? Not on my radar. How could I possibly? I had visions of myself as the ridiculous American, crying on a city street in a foreign country because I couldn't ask where the restroom was. Car trips were the worst. I'm not a fan of laying in the floor of a roadside restroom, but I've done it plenty of times.

Like I said, I can't remember a time when my stomach wasn't like this. I was told that just a few days after I was born and came home, I was admitted to the hospital due to vomiting and diarrhea. And thus, it began. They said it may have been the formula I was on, and that I probably couldn't tolerate lactose. I was told that I was lactose intolerant for the better part of my life, and then later, was told that it was IBS. Now, personally, I think IBS stands for "It's Bullshit," because it's the standard, non-tested diagnosis for any number of stomach ailments that they can't actually diagnose. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, but if it does, I don't think it exists quite as much as it's diagnosed. I was told I had IBS by I don't even know how many doctors....at least five or six. None ran tests.

Two years ago, I was told that it was sugar or anything that could convert to sugar, and/or I could have had something called SIBO, or small intestinal bacteria overgrowth. I went on a low carb diet and it actually did help...some. I lost a LOT of weight (which wasn't necessary but I guess a given when all you eat is protein), and my stomach no longer bloated to the point of pain. But my belly problems continued anyway. I told my doctor this (a specialist at Emory that I actually had to INTERVIEW WITH to be seen by, because he won't accept just any old patient), but he seemed to believe that the sugar caused the bloat, and if that was gone, then his work was done. His advice to me? Don't eat sugar for the rest of your life. Gee thanks, doc. He never ran a single test.

After my second surgery this year, my thyroid had a difficult time regulating. I went to a new endocrinologist, and she mentioned that there seems to be a link between gluten and people with autoimmune disorders, such as my thyroid disease. She suggested that I go gluten free for two weeks, and see if my thyroid regulated.

And although that was an incredibly difficult two weeks, I did it.

And, OH. MY. GOD.

For what it's worth, my thyroid did regulate. But you know what? I hardly noticed. I was too fascinated by the absolute lack, for the very first time in my whole life, of diarrhea, nausea and stomach pain. I was going to the bathroom once a freaking day. Not four times. Not six times. Not ten times. Once. There was something to this.

When I went back for my follow-up appointment, I told the doctor about this and she said it seemed as though I could possibly have Celiac Disease, or at the very least, a gluten intolerance and that I could get tested if I wanted, but that she couldn't do it. She also warned me that I'd have to start eating gluten again for about two weeks before they could test me. So I ate gluten again, for the first time in a few weeks. And instantly, I had horrible stomach pain and was back in the bathroom four to ten times a day. I only made it three days before I gave up and went back to being gluten free. I asked what the difference would be if they could test and it was positive, and was told....nothing. They'd tell me to eat gluten free from now on. Well, duh. Why bother?

So, I do not know why I can't tolerate gluten, but I know I can't. And so many things make so much more sense now. I could never drink beer before....three sips in, I'd have horrible stomach pain and what I had always heard referred to as (sorry for the gross term) "beer shits." As I always understood it, beer shits were normal. Um, if you drank two pitchers, that is. But three sips shouldn't render you useless for 12 hours. Ironically, I always could drink tequila, which is safe. Well, I could drink it until I had a really bad experience and got sick from it for a totally different reason, but anyway. I felt so much better on a low carb diet because I wasn't having bread, which are major sources of gluten. But I didn't feel totally better because I was still eating gluten in other products, like marinades and dressings.

I also realized that what I thought were acne flare-ups was actually caused by the hydrolized wheat protein in my Redken hair products. I alternate my shampoo, conditioner, and styling products pretty regularly, and started noticing that I only broke out horribly when I used the Redken stuff. I stopped using it and yep, you guessed it. Those acne flare-ups went away. Every now and then, I'll remember something from childhood or more recently, and I'll be like, "Ooooooooooh. Duh." My dad, in a misguided but well meaning attempt to feed his child the most important meal of the day, would regularly foist his breakfast of choice upon me - jelly doughnuts. Which honestly, I loved. But they would give me belly aches for the rest of the day. Actually, pretty much every breakfast food would - unless it was eggs. To make matters worse, I HEART CARBS.

Long story short (too late, as usual), I recently read that some women are going gluten free in an attempt to lose weight, which made me giggle. Because ever since I went gluten free, I've gained weight. Why? BECAUSE I DON'T POOP ALL DAY. Gross, yes. Honest? Oh yeah. Truth, either way. Maybe it wasn't fast metabolism like I always thought. Maybe it really was the diarrhea.

Well, ladies.....I don't think this gluten free thing for weight loss will work, but if you tend to have a leaky butt, you might want to give gluten free a go.

Sorry about your miscarriage, here's some Advil.

2011-11-16T18:04:00.002-05:00

Thank you so much for all of the nice comments on my last post. Sometimes, I'm just amazed by the people I've met online. Why can't we all live in one place and be happy friends in real life? Because honestly, if there's a better community of people than this one (that I've been privileged and blessed to be a part of), I've never heard of it.

It's always weird to open yourself up and post about something that's usually pretty personal, even though I've done it multiple times. There's still this question in the back of your mind as to whether or not you'll be supported or attacked. You just honestly never know. Not that any one of the regular readers would have attacked, of course, but it *is* the internet, and anyone can come here and say mean things if they want. To open my email and see all of the loving, supportive comments helps my heart heal. And as with all of the personal info I post on here, if it helps anyone else feel less alone or like they can reach out to me to discuss something similar, then it's worth it. Several people reached out to me to commiserate, and it definitely helped me when they did. I offer my experiences like this in the hope that I can do that for someone else.

Today was my follow up appointment. My regular doctor had to deliver a baby (oh, the irony), so I had to see another doctor in the office. He was also the one that made rounds during my hospital stay and I hated him then, but anyway. I was placed in a room that had not one, but two giant cork boards covered with smiling baby faces. I guess patients mail in or bring in photos of the babies that were delivered by the doctors at that practice. That wasn't awkward at all. Is it too much to propose a non-baby photo room for the recently miscarried?

He performed a....hand...exam. God, I have no idea what to call it. He didn't use a speculum. Just punched his hand in (that's what it felt like) and asked if that hurt, did that hurt. Yeah, it all hurt, as one would expect when one has an arm up to the ELBOW in their vagina. DUH. The nurse saw that I was starting to tear up/be unhapp(ier) and sweetly came over and held my hand while telling me to breathe. That's the difference between men and women in the gynecology profession, in my opinion. He was reaching between the couch cushions for the remote, and she was holding my hand sympathetically.

He said that I seemed to have "expelled everything nicely," (gee thanks, I try) and that I should start to feel normal in 2-4 more weeks. Say what, now? Why so long? Told me that my next period would suck. I told him they said that before, when my HCG was falling, and I only bled for two days. He said that wasn't a period, just a miscarriage. Well, dude...I'm only going by what the other freaking doctor told me OKAY. So apparently, my next NEXT period, in 2-4 weeks, will suck, and then I'll be normal. And then he gave me Advil.

Sorry about your miscarriage, here's some Advil.

It's probably wrong that I found that part to be funny, but dang. How about, sorry about your miscarriage, here's some Ben and flippin' Jerry's. Or sorry about your miscarriage, have a gift card to the Gap on us.

Take note, OB/GYN's: the recently miscarried want rooms that are not filled to the celing with smiling baby faces, and they'd like Gap gift cards in lieu of medication, please. In fact, when you're walking into the smiling baby face-less room to tell someone she's having a miscarriage, just go ahead and come in armed with a peppermint mocha in one hand and Phish Food in the other. Seriously. I'm not kidding. I'm kind of mad that I'm even having to tell you this.

Like I said before, this whole experience, for whatever reason, threw us into baby mode. Josh and I have skirted around the topic for the past two weeks, but finally I was like, I want a baby. And he said okay. But I didn't know if he meant...OKAY okay, or just....okay. So I bought some books at Goodwill last night, about fertility and whatnot, put them in front of him and said, in my super sensitive, classy way, "See, I told you I wanted a baby. You said okay. I hope you're in. I mean, all I really need from you is a penis. Well...an erect penis, but you know. But I'd like it if the rest of you is in, too. Like, all of you - your heart and head and stuff. Are you in?"

(sidenote: it is AMAZING that anyone actually agreed to marry me.)

He's in. ALL of him. :)

Wake up call.

2011-11-10T18:43:00.000-05:00

Hey there.

Sorry for the disappearing act! The few people that still read this (hi!!! I've missed y'all!!) asked if I was back or not. I think I am! I'm going to try to be. Thanks for still having me. :)

I got a lot of emails from people, asking where I disappeared to. I answered some, and others I just ignored. I'm sorry about that, but I just didn't know what to say and the trite "I'm fine, but tell me about you!" that I was sending back felt false and weird.

I've always said that if you don't like something, change it. You're in control of your life, no one else. And I've always loathed whining. Is there anything worse than a whiner? Stop whining. Start doing. You can't control your situation, but you can control your reaction. Only.....I became a whiner. Actually, I became a hypocrite. Because I'd come on here and talk about how I was working on things, like getting my body back and becoming more healthy...but I wasn't. It was all talk. It was something to blog about. And in person or over email, I whined. I realized a few things about myself:

1) I was blogging only because it felt required, and I actually didn't have anything nice to say. So I was blogging total drivel that I didn't believe in, because to blog about what I really felt like would have sent anyone that read this running for the hills. And it would have tipped them off that something was wrong, and I was trying really hard to ignore that myself.

2) You are not always in control of your life. Sometimes, you aren't even in control of your reactions to it.

3) I was not okay.

But I didn't necessarily know what was wrong, and I didn't know how to react or how to change it. This being new to me, I did what any logical person would do. I curled up in a ball, isolated myself, and waited for the world to end.

I know, very original.

The world didn't end.

But I did effectively isolate myself. And I kind of stopped living. I let friendships die away, without even bothering to save them. I let myself get even more out of shape. I held down my couch. I watched a LOT of tv. I stopped caring about doing anything, really.

Yep, kind of like this. Vacant stare and all.

I don't have the source, but will gladly post it if you do!

I couldn't blog about any of it, because I couldn't put it into words and I didn't really want to be a giant buzz kill. Also, I wasn't really digging my new attitude, so I was kind of sick of myself. And I couldn't muster up the funny, because I didn't find anything to be funny. I just wanted to lay on the couch in my sweats and watch reruns of shows I had never watched before now. Glamorous.

And before I knew it, it was October. A whole year had gone by since the whole endo thing came up. Since surgery was first brought up, since I started the job that I would eventually lose. And I honestly couldn't account for the past year. It made me panic, trying to think back on what had happened....I couldn't pull up anything but one trip to Vegas (yay!), two surgeries, a whole lot of pain and sadness and worry, and the rest were just...giant black holes. I don't remember the past year. Probably because nothing happened, really. It certainly wasn't a typical year for me, but still. I feel like I slept through an entire year. And my first inclination was to blame it on the surgeries. But then I started counting (on my fingers, as usual) and was like....no. No, that's not right. Surgery #1 was in March. Surgery #2 was in May. It's October. OCTOBER. Why am I still acting like I'm in recovery? And where did the rest of the year go?

So, really, two things happened in October. I realized that a year had gone by and I had been severely depressed and had decided to stop living somewhere in there, and that I was pregnant.

I didn't quite believe it until I took the digital.

We, uh, weren't expecting that to happen. We went from shock, to terror, to fear, to acceptance, to scared excitement, to worry, as we watched my HCG levels plummet and the pregnancy was declared not viable. The roller coaster of emotions that we went on were unreal....I didn't understand how I could go from "Nope, no way. Nope nope nope nope." to "Okay." to "What do you think of this name?" to "No, I can't lose it!" so quickly.

I think Josh and I were both worried that this was going to make the depression worse and I'd never get back to myself. But something weird happened.

I kind of woke up from whatever daze I had been in. I didn't want to hide from the world anymore, I didn't want to wear sweats and sit in front of the tv, I didn't want to isolate myself. I wanted to work, to play, to see my friends (if I have any left? I don't think I have many), to be my normal self. Josh said I started acting more like myself after the miscarriage than I had in a full year. I feel more like myself than I have in forever. And I'm pissed off that I let a whole year go by like this, but I honestly couldn't control my reaction to all of it. It's like I went from human to robot over night, and just switched back to human. I can't explain it, I don't know why something so sad would make me feel alive again, but it did, and I'm grateful.

It made us realize something else too.....we do want children. We never did before. Well, I didn't, and Josh was on the fence. But now we're both firmly on the "yes, let's do this" side of things. It's not something we're trying for just yet, but we are planning to in the future. And we know that the surgeries worked, on all levels.

So we now refer to this as our wake up call. Thank you, little alarm clock. Thanks for waking me up. I wish you could have stayed, but I think you were sent to do a specific job. You did it well. <3

How could I not honor that by starting to live again? So I am.

This morning.

2011-11-09T12:45:00.001-05:00

Josh:

- Showers. One bottle of soap for everything. Puts on deodorant, brushes teeth.

- Dresses. Jeans, tee, hoodie, hat, sneakers.

- Done. Total time: 10 minutes. And that's with a limp.

Layla:

- Showers. Separate bathroom. Five bars of soap, two shower gels, two shampoos, three conditioners, two face washes, one body scrub to choose from. Feels overwhelmed. Knocks three things into the floor by accident. Curses. Shaves pits. Total time: 10 minutes.

- Puts up hair, brushes teeth, puts on deodorant, puts on zit cream, puts on face lotion. Takes hair down, sprays It's A 10 on it, puts hair back up, finds headband. Damn bangs.

- Applies primer, foundation, concealer, blush, lip balm, lip stain, lip gloss, plucks brows, draws brows back on with wax and powder, clear mascara on brows, curses brows, curls eyelashes, applies 2,000 coats of mascara, uses two q-tips to remove extra mascara from around eyes, adds eye primer, bronzer, finishing powder.

- Brushes out hair, sprays de-tangler on it, blows it dry. Sprays with thermal protectant, flat irons it.

- Josh leaves to buy bacon.

- Realizes bangs are being a dick, puts them back with a bobby pin.

- Gets dressed. Can't find my grey cords. Puts on slip, dress, tights, socks, boots, cardigan.

- Tries on belt. Belt looks stupid, takes it off. Tries on another belt. Stupid.

- Realizes it's not just bangs that are being a dick, pull hair back in a ponytail. It's lumpy. Dick.

- Tries on the belt again. Still stupid. Why can't I just own a belt in the color I want so it will match my damn boots? Tries it on again. Really?

- Puts on earrings and watch. Looks at perfume choices, sprays one.

- Why do I keep picking up this fucking belt? It looks stupid EVERY time I try it.

- Maybe if I put it over the cardigan.

- Fuck, he's back already??? Gaaaahd.

- Throws offending belt across the room. Death. Murder. Blood. Kill that fucking belt.

- Realizes has lip stain all over teeth. It's a stain. STAIN. Desperately wipes off teeth.

- Looks at purses. Does it have to match my boots? My dress? The one I want to wear matches my watch. Realizes I don't care, grabs black purse.

- Realizes I care, goes back for purple purse that matches watch.

- Why do I have such an issue with throwing away receipts? Empties them onto bed, switches out purse.

- Oh cool. Tylenol bottle opened and spilled all over purse. Is it still safe? Doesn't care, takes two.

- Wonders if I'm going to die.

- Picks up purse, turns off tv. Realizes I didn't mean to wear this bra but am too lazy to change it now.

- Looks at the belt, considers trying it back on.

- Points at belt and walks out.

- Josh made bacon. Yay!!

- Time to go!

- Nope. Gotta poop.

*Thank you for the happy anniversary wishes and welcome back!!

2.

2011-11-06T19:48:00.000-05:00

Oh, my dear.

We've made it two years, and I think it was no small feat.

Not because of us....no, not because of us. We're good. We're strong. We're solid.

Because of the trials and tests and curve balls, those inevitable hardships that fall on every marriage eventually; because of those things.

But I don't think that we've survived two years in spite of them. I think we've become stronger, better, more together because of them.

You are everything I'm not, and when I'm with you, I become those things too. All of those things I always wanted to be but am not - kind, selfless, sweet, patient, strong - I get half, when paired with you. You make me better, just by being by my side.

I don't know what it is about me that piqued your interest, that made you fall in love, that made you temporarily insane and compelled you to tether yourself to me forever, but I'll take it.

And whatever it is that has made you stay through so many things: health issues, job loss, surgeries, heartbreak, my constant need to jump up and declare that things MUST BE DONE RIGHT NOW, that something MUST BE painted neon green RIGHT NOW, my incessant need to sing "Push It" every single time I cook or declare, at least daily, that I have 99 problems but a job ain't one.....through all of my annoying rib pokes, my cold ass feet burrowing under your legs, the fear of an ass knifing that will keep us both standing at the bottom of the stairs for ten minutes while very politely insisting that the other go first, my cold nose being buried in your cheek, and for god's sake....the terrible screams I let out in the deepest sleep (so sorry)....whatever it is that makes you stay through all of these things.....and love me in spite of, or in some cases, because of these things (you're crazy)....thank you. I love you back.

It's not romantic, but it's true: I could not have asked for a more perfect person to share my life with, had I ordered you from a factory. Does Apple make made to order husbands yet? ;) No need. I've found mine.

Happy anniversary, love.

Five Things Friday

2011-07-29T16:52:00.000-04:00

Crap and a half! I keep forgetting that it's Friday. These things happen when you don't have a job.

1. Speaking of jobs, I had an interview this week but I don't think much will come of it. It's a very long commute for me and although I haven't been told the pay range yet, I do know that they don't pay what I'm used to (or what would make the drive worth it). I applied for four more jobs last night, all within ten minutes from my house. As if I could be that lucky.

2. I went blonde last week. We had to do it in two steps, so step one was to lighten it up (it lightened more than we thought it would) and the next step, in 6-8 weeks, will be to take it all the way over to blonde. I'm already happier! I only go dark every 4-6 years, and I don't like for it to be dark for long. This time, it was dark for a full year. I was sick of it!

This goes down in history as the WORST PICTURE EVER. I don't know how to take self photos on my phone, I'm concentrating WAY hard, and I look like an emo 12 year old. But there's my hair.

3. I cannot accomplish the smallest tasks at home. If I have to deal with insurance stuff (I am ALWAYS dealing with insurance stuff), contact someone about a bill, do homework....anything....I have to leave my house and go to the coffee shop to do it. Otherwise I'll do anything but. This is turning into an expensive way to handle my inability to concentrate.

4. My neighbor found a stray dog in our neighborhood, and brought it to my house for some reason. I called the number on her tag, and little Mimi ended up back with her owner...but what killed me is that the dog was wearing clothes. Like, a shirt with some princess shit on it with pink ruffles. It was 200 million degrees out. Oh, and I don't know if you knew this or not, but DOGS DON'T NEED CLOTHES.

5. My Constitutional Law class starts next week. Hold me.

Check out other Five Things Friday posts from Liz and Claire!

Feathered hair.

2011-07-25T14:10:00.000-04:00

Is it just me, or is this Monday particularly painful? I could barely drag myself out of bed, haven't showered yet, and I actually went out in public in my pajamas, and here I sit, loafing about. Although I don't really mind the loafing, there is a ton of stuff that needs to be done, so...ya know. That's when my super powers of being able to ignore things without guilt come in real handy.

Super powers: engage.

Thank you for your suggestions and advice regarding what to do with my mop! You guys were kind of all over the place as far as what I should go for, which I totally understand, because I was too. I hadn't posted the final decision yet because, well....even after all of that, I still couldn't make up my dang mind (libra all day). But then my hand was forced.

As if what my body has been through in the past six months isn't enough, it suddenly decided that turning my hair white would be a good idea. Yes, white. Not gray. WHITE. Maybe it's stress? It's definitely not genetics...no one in my family started going white at 33. I plucked six gigantic white hairs from my temple last night, and realized that those were just the ones I could see...who knows what lurks on the back of my head? The weirdest thing about them is that they're mutant hairs - one white one is the thickness of about six regular ones. So you know, they're not only WHITE but they're also HUGE. Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against white hair. But I don't really think they have a place in my life just yet, and really, I'm worried about looking a little Cruella.

Ironically, I make this exact face while driving in Atlanta.


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Most of you voted for blonde, and seeing as how it's the easiest way to hide these mutant hairs and I need a change, that's exactly what I'm going to do! I have an appointment with my colorist this Wednesday. Until I talk to her and she sees the shape that my hair is in, etc., I can't really determine what shade of blonde it will be. I'm hoping we can do it in one go, but it might have to be a gradual process. Regarding the cut, I'll just have to wait and see how the color turns out and make that call then. If it damages the ends more, we'll cut them off. Thanks again for all of the advice and opinions, it really did help!

I tried to find some pics of my natural blonde hair as a kid, but unfortunately, I'm a little limited and these are the only ones I could find for now. Since they're so awesome in their awfulness, I decided to share them anyway.

My family, circa 1978-1979

That's my brother, sister, mom, me, and my great grandfather, who was pretty much the coolest person on earth. Notice that I'm hanging out with him, instead of my siblings and parent. I think the mutual love was pretty apparent. I miss him more than anyone, ever. I just want you to take a minute to take in that couch and my mom's Farrah hair. Take it in. Also, I had bangs! How cute. But then again, so did my brother. The 70's were awesome.

Me with my brother and sister at a car show, I think? Circa 1978, probably.

God, we were cute!! Look at my sister's glasses and coat! Look at my brother's straight bangs and curly hair on the sides, and that face cracking smile! Look how fat my little hand is, little fatty mcbutter pants in a snowsuit!

That's me, with a mullet, sort of. Circa 1983

There's just no justification for that shirt. But I'll tell you this much, wherever I was going during this time in my life, I was getting there on time.

Five Things Friday

2011-07-22T08:59:00.000-04:00

1. ROCKtober is my FAVORITE month of the year - everything awesome happens in October. Everything. Dexter starts, Halloween, my birthday, the best weather all year, my football team plays the best games. I honestly don't know how I'm going to function until it gets here. I'm like a kid waiting for the last day of school before summer break. In honor of my favorite month, I'll be having a blog giveaway in October. I told you - everything awesome happens then.

2. I'm already looking for Fall clothes. This has been the lost summer for me - I looked forward to it so much but the whole thing has been spent having surgery, recovering from surgery, and now getting my body back after surgery. I may never wear a dress again after this, because that's all I've been able to wear all summer and I'm OVER IT. It's like, magically fascinating to me that I used to wear things with waist bands and buttons.

3. I'd pay money to never have to hear the F You song by Cee-Lo ever again.

4. Josh keeps saying he's going to start keeping track of all of the stupid things I say, but he never does.

5. Is it Christmas yet? I want more awkward family Christmas photos. Awkward hair optional.

Step one: get some health up in ya

2011-07-20T08:00:00.001-04:00

So like I said in my last post, I'm not doing so well in the recovery department. I think a lot of it is mental, but some of it is just flat out neglect. Health neglect, of course. Not to say that I haven't neglected other things during this time, because I most certainly have. I finally shaved my toes and feet today, after...god, who even knows how long. Oh, you don't have to shave your toes and feet? Well, I do. LIKE YOU'RE PERFECT OR SOMETHING. Stop staring at me. (I solemnly swear that I really did send a pic of Frodo's feet to the foot fetish guy, and not a pic of my own hairy feet. Though I could have - they grow a little jungle sometimes. It ain't hurtin' nobody.)

Anyway, in my effort to get some health up in this body of mine, I am taking ~~a few~~ ~~quite a bit of~~ a whole crap ton of supplements and vitamins. I don't claim to be an expert on any of this, or on whether or not certain brands/types are better than others. This is based on my own research regarding the issues I've had - I'm not recommending anything to anyone, just telling you what I take. Sorry if this is boring!

I take one 5mg Biotin pill once a day, which is said to help hair growth and energy production. The only down side to this is that it seems to make my nails grow twice as fast, and my nails already grow incredibly fast.....which I hate. I prefer short nails and I cringe through filing my nails down.

I take 1-3 fish oil capsules a day, which are supposed to help cardiovascular function, skin and joints. I've also read that it aids in mood stabilization. If you get a good brand/pill, you won't have fish burps all day, I promise. You won't even know you took it.

One garlic pill a day to help clean out my gut from the nastiness that antibiotics cause. This is odorless and tasteless and trust me - you don't smell or taste garlic at all.

A multivitamin that does not contain iron, since it can interfere with my thyroid medication (I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and take Synthroid daily for it).


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Stress B Complex


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Vitamin D

Probiotics, to restore my gut after so many rounds of antibiotics.


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Emergen-C

I take one teaspoon of extra virgin, certified organic, cold pressed coconut oil every day. Sounds kind of gross, and the first touch of it to your tongue is kind of gross, but it melts quickly and it tastes pretty wonderful when it melts. Coconut oil is supposed to boost your immune system, restore the flora in your gut, and help control cholesterol.

I know this seems like a lot, but I used to take the B complex, Vitamin D, and Emergen-C every day (before surgery), as well as a different multivitamin. I take probiotics after every round of antibiotics, but this is my first time trying the Udo's Choice brand and I don't really care for it. Please feel free to leave me any recommendations of vitamins and supplements, if you know of any! I have noticed that when I take all of these, I feel SO much better than I do when I skip them. I'm not sure if that's a placebo effect or them doing their job, but I'm going to go with it.

How Layla got her ass back.

2011-07-19T14:12:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been thoroughly sick of yourself? To the point where you avoid looking in the mirror and try to take as much attention away from yourself as possible? That's how I've been for a while now. I've never felt like this before, so it's been kind of difficult to figure out what was wrong. After yet another crying jag (because I could only figure out how to curl one side of my head with a flat iron, and not the other. Yep.), I realized what was wrong.

I'm depressed.

I'm fortunate that I'm not too familiar with what this feels like, hence it taking so long to really realize what was wrong. But once I did, and really made myself think about it, so many things started to make sense. It's been seventeen weeks since my first surgery, and nine weeks since my last surgery. I've been recovering from surgery for a grand total of seventeen weeks. That's bound to depress anyone, I think. Add to that the normal trauma of surgery, the medications, and the effects they have on your body (times two in my case), and you've got one unhappy person.

Since the last surgery, I've been going to a chiropractor for very painful sessions to correct something called Piriformis Syndrome, which I developed afterward, possibly from the positioning of my legs and hips on the operating table. Due to the PS, I haven't been able to work out much. Add that to the loss of stamina and muscle mass from repeated surgeries and laying around, and well....I kind of hate the way I look. It's not just how much I weigh (which still isn't much, I have gained but I'm not overweight), it's the lack of tone, the fact that I don't look healthy. And I don't feel healthy. You know why?

Because I'm not healthy.

I've never been the healthiest person in the world, but I've made a very valiant effort in the past few years and I was happier for it. And because doctors like to give you the best possible scenario and also because, I think, they're a bit cocky about their abilities, I was led to believe that I would not only be fine two weeks post surgery, I would be GREAT. I can tell you, as can many other ladies that have undergone this surgery, that's a big honkin' heap of LIE. But because I didn't know any better and I believed it, I thought I could slack off pre-surgery and just turn into a normal, active person two weeks later. I am stupid.

So here we are. My hair is severely damaged from the anesthesia required for back to back surgeries. My body has been pumped full of pain medication, antibiotics, and steroids. I've pretty much laid around, sat around, or engaged in some other consistent method of loafing. I have no energy. My stamina sucks. My muscles are jelly. My skin is wrecked. I don't even recognize myself in pictures. And you know what?

I'm pissed.

At first I was pissed that I had to have surgery. Then I was pissed about the effects of the surgery. But at some point I had to realize, finally, that I needed to be pissed at myself. Nothing has ever been handed to me, I've had to work hard for everything in my life. Why is this any different? Why do I think a job is going to fall out of the sky and into my lap? Didn't it always do that before? No, it's just easy to tell myself that now when I'm discouraged. I've had to work hard at finding jobs - networking, relentless applying, cold calling, etc. Wasn't I just naturally toned and in shape last summer? Uh, nope. When I think back on it, it took lots of sweaty work, lots of early mornings, dragging myself to the gym when I didn't feel like it, passing on dessert and eating salad every day for lunch instead of pizza. Cooking dinner every night instead of being lazy and ordering out. Cursing Jillian Micheals and working out in my sweltering bedroom when it was 98 degrees outside with 100% humidity.

I worked for it.

I haven't been working for it. And to be fair (to myself), I haven't been able to for long. But I could have tried harder. Could be trying harder. Stop complaining, start doing. If I don't like something, I change it. So why have I resorted to wishing and whining over all of this? Get over yourself, Layla. Shut up and get to work.

It's not about weight. I don't care if I stay the same weight I am right now, since it's actually the recommended weight for my height. But that weight is going to be redistributed to muscle, instead of fat. My clothes - my three closets and one armoire full of clothes that I can't wear - they'll fit again. It's hilarious to me that I used to complain about gaining a few pounds before this. Nothing will teach you humility like actual hardship. Remember that the next time you're complaining about how fat you are when in reality, you're only bloated because you ate a burrito.

Since the surgeries have caused so many other things that I'm having to work on, I'm not calling this a "get in shape" plan. I'm thinking of it more as a "fully recovered from surgery" plan. This means I have to work a lot harder than just working out - it means vitamins and supplements, eating well - not dieting - eating WELL, shaping up, getting my stamina and energy back, breaking out of my funk, gaining back my self esteem and hopefully finding a job. It's so easy to get discouraged with myself when I'm not doing anything about it, but when I am? And when I'm making my intentions known to the world? It's a lot easier to stay on track and push through the moments of discouragement.

I don't want to make this a fitness blog because, let's face it, I'm just not that dedicated. But I do plan on posting about my meals, my supplements, my workouts, and my achievements (as well as any setbacks). I blog about my life, and right now, this is my life. I'd appreciate any encouragement, advice, tips and support you could offer me. Do I need a cute name for this? "Fully recovered from surgery" doesn't sound so encouraging, does it? I'm thinking something mean, like, "Layla finally gets off her ass and stops complaining and starts doing." Only not that. "How Layla got her ass back?" Because, let's face it....I really miss my old ass.

Five Things Friday

2011-07-14T22:54:00.003-04:00

I smoked for fifteen years. 15!! How does anyone do anything that gross for fifteen years straight? I'll be honest though, and confess that I miss it. Not the smell, or the dependency, or the angry looks from people, or the hairball in my throat after long nights out in smoky bars, but just....it. The social aspect. Something to do with my hands. The way it gave me an outlet when angry, sad, or excited. I don't expect that someone that has never smoked can quite understand this, but that's how it is. It is laced with a drug, after all. An addiction is an addiction. You hear that people with chemical dependency have to fight the urge their whole lives. I don't see how this is any different, but I'll continue to fight it forever. Trust me. (ETA: Yes, this does mean I smoked from the age of 15 to 31 (I quit for one year in my 20's) but in TN, they practically hand you a pack of Marlboro reds on your 15th birthday and tell you to get on it. I quit on December 31, 2008)

While we're talking about unhealthy things....I broke my cardinal rule of "never McDonald's, ever" and had a Rolo McFlurry today. I don't let myself eat McDonald's frankenfood (I personally don't find it to be tasty, anyway), but my powers were useless against the pull of this magical franken-treat. If it were legal, I would have married it. No really, I found it in my hair a few hours later and Josh found some on my back. I didn't actually make sweet love to it, but it certainly looked like I had at least rolled around in the hay with it. I regret nothing.

Have you heard of Spotify? I'm in like. I'd say love, but I've only used it once so far and as we all know, I like to rub whatever I love in my hair and on my back, and I'm just not there yet with Spotify. But it's in the U.S. now, so you should check it out. It pulls in your iTunes library, and let's you search for songs and artists and let me tell you...I have some out there taste in music, some pretty obscure stuff. And it FOUND it and supplied it for my listening pleasure. You can create play lists easily, adding music found on Spotify and your own iTunes playlist. Oh, did I mention that it's freeeeeeee? (I don't work for them UNFORTUNATELY, so I'm telling you about it just because I want to. Just because I can.)

I got sucked into The Hunger Games. I read the second book yesterday in its entirety. The third one is kind of sucky so far, so it will be read at a more leisurely pace. But damn it, y'all were right. That first book is all kinds of amaaaaaaaze. I can't wait to see the movie.

Some people (me) just don't like Harry Potter.

Five Things Friday

2011-07-08T17:15:00.001-04:00

So...today is Friday. Not Thursday. Oops (I blame YOU, 4th of July).

I read Teen Vogue. I'm not interested in anything in regular Vogue and I can't afford anything in it, anyway. Hell, I can't afford anything in Teen Vogue either.

On Wednesday, Josh and I drove next to a guy that was playing the guitar WHILE driving on the interstate. Skills. Stupid, stupid skills.

Every season, there's one character on True Blood that drives me absolutely crazy with hatred. This season, it's Marnie. Last season it was Franklin, before that it was Sarah Newlin and before that, it was Lettie Mae.

I'm terrified of going back into the corporate world, but I need a job. I'm incapable of playing the office politics game, and I always end up being prey for any mean females in residence. I'm corporate office roadkill.

I'm going to a 7:00am boot camp class in the morning. I must have lost my damn mind.

The ubiquitous hair post.

2011-07-07T14:13:00.002-04:00

Here's where I ask you to tell me what to do with my hair, because I'm an indecisive Libra. If you don't help me, I'll be forced to make this decision myself, which means....my hair will stay exactly how it is forever and EVER. You don't want to carry that kind of guilt around, do you? Forever is a long time. You think about that.

So here's the thing: I'm usually blonde. I went dark last July because...I don't know why. I just decided it would be a good idea, and my husband was all about it, and then I thought, HEY! I'LL GET BANGS! And I did (but not without asking everyone I know and total strangers if they thought it was a good idea first).

That was okay and all, but I did sort of look like Winnie Cooper. And I felt like it made my face look really round. I liked it, Josh loved it. But the worst part of it? I saw my first gray hair with that dark hair. Oh, what a day. Much crying and tweezering and Twittering occurred that day.

But it's been a year, my hair no longer looks like ^ that, and I'm kind of over the whole dark hair thing. It's all kind of tied up in how I feel/look post surgery. In other words, I don't look or feel like myself, and going back to blonde is one thing I can do (out of many that need to be done) to get back to what I like to see when I look in the mirror.

My hair has been various shades of blonde over the years, and various lengths.

It's been shoulder length and light

Longer and a little darker

I cropped a girl's butt crack out of this one. You're welcome.


Reverse bobbed with dark underneath, not straightened

Light and bobbed. Apologies for the crappy pic quality, this is the only one I could find.

Honestly, I'm leaning toward the last one. Odds are, my hair will have to be cut off anyway due to damage from my last hair disaster and because anesthesia absolutely destroys your hair. I spent a lot of time growing it out, but I think I'm okay with it being cut off, as long as it's cut just like the last photo.

Anyway, what say you?

Stay dark? Keep the bangs? Go blonde again, dark, light, short, long?

Seriously, don't make me do this on my own. :)

*All photos are mine. Use without my permission and I'll wish a pox upon your house.

**Did you know that blonde is for females and blond is for males? Yeah, me neither.

***Thank you so much for all of the kind words yesterday. I assure you that I am no stronger than anyone else. As a matter of fact, sometimes I'm so weak that I disgust myself. I think we're all given our fair share of obstacles in life, and you can't really do much about but make the best of the hand you were dealt and try to live a good life. I'm glad that so many read the post and I sincerely hope it helps someone - anyone - in the future.