Lazur's Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Sun, 03 May 2009 13:10:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Sun, 03 May 2009 13:08:00 +0000

Losing

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 14:17:00 +0000

So, it's over. The breakup of a meaningful relationship can really feel like the end of the world. Face to face with such a traumatic event, I basically have two choices: I can fall apart on a grand scale or I can present a dignified and composed face to the world. Sometimes even pretend that it doesn’t hurt just because I don’t want anyone to think I need or am getting professional help. Especially when there are children too who are hurt and feel a loss. The last thing I want is my children to see how I fall apart. Even though they already noticed because I lost more than 25 pounds the last few weeks and my hair is turning grey suddenly. So I guess that I'm falling apart on a grand scale and try to present myself to the outside world with a dignified face.

A lot of psychologists agree that a breakup can often feel like a death. And they are right. So it makes sense that I’m going through a period of mourning. It's normal to feel down and be overwhelmed by grief. I have, in essence, lost someone close to me. It’s almost inevitable to feel bad for a little while, and plan my life accordingly. This is definitely not the time to take on a new project at work, or force you to be the life of any party. And besides losing the one I love, I’m starting losing myself.
Yes the psychologist said “You need time to recover - quietly and privately - from your loss. Be gentle with yourself, and allow yourself some time for crying and moping. But can I? I just had moved to the town where he lives, planned to start a new job and my two children lost the one who they thought they could count on too.

Getting out
She told me to get out again too. To relax. Okay, went to the pub, met some new people and of course, I met him.
But there is a catch concerning my getting out. Because he “loved” me so much, he had decided to pay some of the rent, otherwise I couldn’t move closer to him. It took a long time for me to accept that, but I trusted him. I told him before I decided to move that if he wasn’t sure or I wasn’t, I never would have done that. But he put me aside on the day I signed for the keys telling me a week later that he faked a lot of his feelings for me for a longer time. And now, because he’s paying for me, he’s even telling me what he thinks I can and can’t do for myself. So I took my only two days of relaxation this year of my calendar. Afraid he will let me fall harder than he did already.
I start hating myself for trusting, getting in this situation, but not only myself. I always was the independent woman and now, my independence is gone, my dignity is gone, my pride, my self-respect, my trust.
No getting out for me without the feeling I have to ask him if I can spend a little money for myself, getting out, and meeting people.
And that’s the next thing the psychologist pointed out to me.
The social circle. She told me it would be strange at first, to be socializing without him, but it’s even stranger to socialize with him. Especially when he just turns his head the other way, looks at you like you’ve done something really bad to him, doesn’t say a word, so I got scared to say anything at first.

Socializing is hard when you’ve got the same friends and at first the tears would run over my cheeks when I did. But it’s getting better. As long as he’s not referring to them as only his friends like he did at first.
And my best friend. I called her many times, but I also knew it was hard for her because he was her friend too. So I just don’t tell everything when I talk to her or see her. Except for last morning when I felt really bad.

But I will continue re-entering the social circle. I even got out to dinner with a total stranger last week. And I had fun. Next time I will go to the pub, with two euro , a big smile on my face, knowing my ex will be there, make a few minutes worth of smalltalk and I will ask him if it’s okay if I spend it on one beer…

Hello new world…

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 10:05:00 +0000

Heavy thoughts seemed to slip away
When you were there on my darkest days
I trusted you
Many debts I cannot repay
Too many clouds in my sky some days
I trusted you

As if it really mattered
Cause You ran
When I reached out for a hand to
Pull me through the storm
I reached for you

Broken glass as the evening fades
Take another drink as the evening fades
I trusted you
Stealing rays from the sun so bright
Joined all the people that night
I trusted you

As if it really matters
You ran
And only In my mind
I could reach for you
I trusted you

What was right to do
In this life
We could have tried
But it didn’t really matter
to you
cause you ran

When I reached, I reached, I reached
I reached for you
and you ran away

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 20:54:00 +0000

Summer fades to shades of fall
the colour of your hair
lonely branches, drooping boughs
an emptiness we both share.

Words of love caught on a wind
as cold as your goodbye
storm clouds rolling in
paint my mood upon the sky.

Where did our happy rainbow go
of long summer days now gone
when we laughed and danced the night away
staying up to greet the dawn.

Chasing dreams and butterflies
endless days were spent
just the two of us together
so blissfully content.

Then I watched the rainbow fade
saw the clouds within your eyes
you left just as the season did
taking the sunshine from my skies.

A single leaf still clings on
very soon it too will die
seasons change as people do
leaving broken dreams and butterflies

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 20:41:00 +0000

Gone without a simple, sincere goodbye
Gone and all I can do is wonder why

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 20:12:00 +0000

What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 18:52:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 08:45:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 08:42:00 +0000

lyrics:This is the place where i sit
This is the part where i love you too much
This as hard as it gets
Cause i'm getting tired of pretending im tough
I'm here if you want me
I'm yours, you can hold me
I'm empty, and achin'and tumblin, and breakin'

Cause you dont see me
And you dont need me
And you dont love me
The way i wish you would
The way i know you could
I dream a world where you understand
And I dream a million sleepless nights
I dream of fire when you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke when i turn on the light
I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends -
Nothing but good friends?

Cause you dont see me
And you dont need meAnd you dont love me
The way i wish you would
The way i wish you would, ooh
This is the place in my heart
This is the place where i'm falling apart
Isnt this just where we met?
And is this the last chance that i'll ever get?
I wish i was lonely
Instead of just "only"Crystal and see-through and not enough to you

Cause you dont see me
And you dont need me
And you dont love me
The way i wish you would
Cause you dont see me
And you dont need me
And you dont love me
The way i wish you would
The way i know you could

Oneliners from Hollywood

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 22:58:00 +0000

1) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."(Sharon Stone)

2) Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."(Courtney Cox Monica on "Friends")

3) "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."(Jerry Garcia)-(Grateful Dead)

4) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."(Barbara Bush)-(Former US First Lady)

5) ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.(Robin Williams)

6) Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.(Billy Crystal)

7) Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.(Rod Stewart)

8) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."(Bruce Willis)-(On the difference between men and women)

9) "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."(George Burns)

10) "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."(Carmen Boyle)-(Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)

11) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."(Henry Kissinger)-(former US Secretary of State)

12) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."(Steve Jobs)-(Founder: Apple Computers)

13) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."(Dan Rather)-(News anchorman)

14) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"(Arnold Schwarzenegger)

15) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."(Tiger Woods)

16) "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."(Axel Rose)-(Guns'n'Roses)

17) "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."(Rev. Jesse Jackson)

18) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." (Jack Nicholson)

19) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.(Roseanne)

20) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful.(Robert De Niro)

21) In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the WonderBra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?(Hugh Grant)

22) There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?(Dustin Hoffman)

23) When the sun comes up, I have morals again.(Elizabeth Taylor)

24) There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."(Jerry Seinfield)

25) See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.(Robin Williams)

Do we really need to talk?

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 22:09:00 +0000

a relationship beyond words

Her: "Honey, we need to talk about our relationship,"
Him: "I thought you’d never ask!" or, "I’ve been dying to share my feelings about our life together, and I especially want to hear how you feel about us and how you want me to change,"

Girls, women, ladies.. dream on, get realistic. The five words a man dreads most are, "Honey, we need to talk." He definitely won’t give the answer I wrote above. It’s more likely he will be very quiet and looks at you like he’s hearing a avalanche coming down.

Do you know that talking about your relationship has more of a chance of making it worse than making it better?
Women talk, a lot most of the time and women mostly want to talk about their relationship when they’re upset and want to feel better. Men mostly don’t want to talk (except when they're among male friends and it's about women or sports) because talking won’t make them feel better. In fact if his partner starts about wanting to talk about the relationship, it will make him feel worse. But when the man doesn’t talk, most women will say something like, "It didn’t work, because he can’t communicate. He gets picky, defensive, or impatient. He’s just not interested." And in the end both end up feeling disconnected.

(Disconnection lies at the heart of every argument , sometimes it's just better to empty a box of chocolates ladies)

Do we talk about the relationship or not?

Often, despite your best intentions, talking about your relationship has more of a chance of making it worse than making it better.
The reason women want to talk about their relationship is because disconnection makes them feel anxious and isolated and afraid. Paranoid sometimes. And women want a deeper connection with their partner and want to start talking instead of stalking.

The reason men don’t want to talk about it is because her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. On a deeper level, he feels ashamed.
So in the end his shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame. And when both try to show their feelings of vulnerability to each other, by talking and not talking, all what will happen in the end is sharing disappointment and heartache.

Without both doing anything wrong your relationship can be doomed. If you don't understand in what way fear and shame can make you drift apart, make you feel disconnected from one another. Understanding each other’s vulnerabilities and learning how to manage them will give you a new perspective on your relationship, based on both points of view, which can lead to compassionate connection and a loving connection that goes beyond words.

People don’t get disconnected because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected.

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 20:15:00 +0000

My thoughts are with the solitary griever,
Who chooses to endure his grief alone.
He builds a wall around himself and locks the door,
Ignores your notes, ignores the telephone.

Awake at night he wrestles with his feelings.
He wonders how this awful thing could be.
He wonders how his happiness could end this way,
While longing to escape his misery.

While locked outside his loved ones grieve without him.
They're wondering what to do.
Its hard enough to see your loved ones die.
I hope we don’t lose our living loved ones too

My thoughts are with you and your family and loved ones.

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 20:07:00 +0000

Anger closes the door to healing, and bitterness throws away the key

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 20:00:00 +0000

Eventhough I won’t be home, Santa’s still hanging around here. But we baked him some cookies, left him some milk, left some decorations, so he won’t feel lonely when we're gone. The boys are already enjoying their vacation, tomorrow I will be leaving and we won’t come back this year.

So… Merry Christmas everyone!

I won’t be “home” for Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 22:22:00 +0000

So this year no Emmen for me. The boys are spending Christmas with their dad and I , I will spend Christmas with my love. For the second time already. He’s not really a Christmas fan, but I don’t mind. Christmas is not all that for me either.
I already have some ideas for presents for him and his girl but I won’t tell of course.:D
Just a few weeks to go. I’m looking forward to it. More than last year. We’re going to have a dinner party with friends a few days before Christmas and the one who planned it, thought it would be fun that the men wear a smoking and the women an evening dress. Since the dress I had last year is oversized now I bought myself something new. Not really a dress, but close enough :D I hope @ likes it too;)

fear of commitment

noreply@blogger.com (Lazur) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 12:59:00 +0000

Fear of commitment

Fear of commitment is like having the feeling that you’re losing your freedom when you’re in a relationship. Your partner can’t really get close to you, because at the time it gets real serious, you create a distance between you two. On a moment you feel vulnerable.

No excuse
Fear of commitment has a lot in common with fear of abandonment .Someone who is afraid to be abandoned is really afraid of being committed to someone and someone who is afraid to commit is afraid to be abandoned. Both fears grow as the relationship becomes more intimate.
Fear of commitment is often used as an excuse to break up a relationship although it is a mental disorder which is caused by subconscious and emotions someone never could cope with.
Situations that may have caused this are insecurity and/or a painful past. Maybe you didn’t get any affection from your parents, somebody close to you violated your trust, you left home at a very young age, or your mother or other persons around you didn’t show any emotions. Consciously or subconsciously you’ll try to avoid more and new pain.
People with a fear of commitment have trouble showing their emotions and can’t give them self to their partner. Often the partner feels left in the dark and it looks like a game of attraction and rejection. Sometimes combined with constantly looking for someone else or even sleeping around.

Is it a temporarily or a structural problem?
Everyone has some form of committing fears. Doubt about a relationship and the steps you take are often normal. But sometimes the fear becomes structural and a predominant factor. Be honest to yourself and see how far it’s true for you;
-I want to be in a relationship but all that happens are short relationships. After a few weeks I start doubting my partner and I miss my life as a single.
-I often wonder if he or she is the right one for me. Maybe there is someone else out there.
-All my partners were too easy, boring. I want more excitement.
-I’ll end the relationship if my partner wants too much attention.
-On a vacation together? No way, I rather go by myself.
-I don’t want to talk about living together or having children. That’s a long way from now.
-I always fall for people who don’t want to be in a relationship.

Do you recognize some of these positions? Then there is a good chance you have fear of commitment.

The Mixed Messages: Come closer, go away
What distinguishes a ‘commitment phobic' is their extreme craving for love and intimacy and their extreme fear of it. While most people struggle at times between wanting to be close and their fear of closeness, the ‘commitment phobic' has an intense, extreme desire for closeness and their intense, extreme fear of it. They constantly give out mixed messages: "Come closer . . . go away.Life together, not living together, needing time on his own”
The two messages you get from a ‘commitment phobic' are "I really want and need all this closeness, but don't tie me down. I love you deeply but I need to be close with other people too. I want and need you to love me, but let go of me. I desperately want and need to be with you, and I desperately want and need my space. They get on the ‘push-pull' dance floor and you end up feeling confused, angry, frustrated and you wonder if you are going crazy.

Also women
Fear of commitment is often subscribed as a problem most men have. But that’s not true. Only women tend to call it that when a man isn’t happy about his relationship and hardly talks about it. That doesn’t mean that they have a mental disorder too, but they don’t show their emotions like women. Probably that will change in the future, because more and more men start to develop their EQ.

When your partner has a fear of commitment, he or she tries to create a distance between you. It takes a lot of energy and patience of both to change that.
Only when both partners recognize the fear of commitment, you’ll be able to make it better. You’ll need to support each other as much as possible but at the same time you’ll need to accept there will be some distance left between you.
Never lose your self-respect. You have the right to receive as much love back as you’re giving to your partner. But remember that every one shows en gives love in their own way. Try to find a balance between giving and taking.

Love is blind.
When we first meet that special someone we tend to deny and not see what we don't want to see, or we hope that those undesirable traits, we do see, will somehow, magically disappear over time. And it's easy to fall for a ‘commitment phobic. They tend to be open, loving and comfortable with self-disclosure. They seem to be good at intimacy. They crave deep connection, they want to love and be loved.
What do you do however, when you realise - too late - that you are together with someone who is a ‘commitment phobic'?