I also think this time of year can be really powerful if we take the time to reflect on what happened in the previous year. If we go back and look through our calendar and see what worked well, what did we struggle with, why did we succeed with some things and struggle with others? If we had set goals 12 months ago, did we make any progress towards them? Did we actually achieve them? If not, what got in our way?

The New Year also is an AMAZING time to recenter your family, recalibrate, look back at the previous year and see what changes can be made moving forward.

Below I share the THREE meetings you need to schedule RIGHT AWAY with your family to ensure that you all have the best possible start to 2020!

Meeting #1 - Household rules & chores.

New Year’s can be a great time to reset as a family with respect to how the house is run and how the duties of taking care of it are split up. I suggest having a family meeting at the beginning of the year to discuss how things are going and to bring up any inequalities that might be happening. Some specifics to ask yourself are: How is the work that needs to be done around the house being delegated...are you doing all or most of it? Are there things that could be taken off your plate? Make a list of all the day-to-day chores that need to be done. Who is doing them now? Who could be doing them? In our house, each child has a major chore that needs to be done daily. For us they are the cat food and litter box, the dishwasher, the laundry and because we have a 4th child - they are responsible for doing whatever I ask...likely the garbage and compost bag. These chores rotate every 3-6months if they want...we just changed up the dishwasher person and it is now our youngest and she is realizing how frustrating it is when people don’t put their dishes IN the dishwasher and just leave them in the sink - an important lesson for each child to learn and this is a great way to learn it haha. Here are a few chores that I can think of that you may be doing that can easily be delegated to a child in the family. 

1. Loading/emptying the dishwasher

2. Taking the dirty clothes to the washing machine and loading them.

3. Emptying the dryer and sorting the clothes

4. Clothes being put away 

5. Emptying the garbage/recycling

6. Emptying the litter box/cleaning the cage etc. 

7. Taking the dog for a walk

8. Wiping down the bathrooms

9. Vacuuming

10. Sweeping

11. Putting groceries away

So many things!

Meeting #2 - School Check-In

Having an honest and open talk about school and how the year has gone so far. This might be a great discussion to have while driving in the car, or going on a long walk. Start a conversation with them about what things have gone better than expected so far at school this year (always start with the positive). 

• Ask them to tell you 3 things that they are really proud of accomplishing this school year so far. 

• Then have them give you 3 things that are harder for them than they expected. Listen to what they have to say. Don’t try to solve their problems! Let them reflect. You might have to come back to this conversation if they can’t think of anything. 

• Ask them how they think they are doing with their time-management. Are they getting their homework done? Have them give themselves a letter grade on how well they get their homework done. Ask why they think it isn’t an “A”. Are they having difficulty finding the time, the motivation? Are they struggling with managing all their activities? What time of day seems to work best for them to get it done? Is it best for them as soon as they come home from school or do they like to have a blocked off time in the evening before bed? Or, are they morning people and like to spend time doing it before going to school? 

• How do they feel about their grades? Report cards will have come home by now from their first term whether they are in elementary, middle or high school. Are they where they want to be? What are their goals with respect to grades by the end of the year? Ask them why do they have these goals? Why do they want these specific grades? Are they doable? Will they be able to do all the work it takes AND be able to participate in all their extra-curricular activities too? Does anything need to give? 

• And that can take you into a final discussion on how they are managing the stress of all these things in their lives? Find out if they are ENJOYING school? What are their favorite parts of the day? Who are their closest friends? Who do they eat lunch with? If they had a few more hours available in the week - what would they want to spend it doing?

These 5 questions could bring you a lot of insight into their day to day life and can bring to light some ways you could help support them if needed.

Meeting #3 - Goal Setting for the New Year

Goal setting - Being an intentional parent means helping teach our children how to be intentional. Have they ever really thought of where they are at now and where they might like to be 12 months from now? Have they ever set a REAL goal with REAL intention behind it? Have we as their parents ever done this? If we don’t model how to set goals and then put a plan in action to achieve them, how will our kids learn to do this? Is goal setting this arbitrary, grandiose thing to them or do they understand (because they have watched us do this) that small goals completed and achieved can lead to big goals farther off in the future? 

• So, about 5-6 year ago we started a new tradition on New Year’s Eve. We do it EVERY YEAR. When they were too small to write it themselves, we helped them. 

• We sit around the dining room table, each person with a stack of index cards of a different color. You could use post-it notes or even plain paper with different colored markers. And one by one, we go around and around in circles sharing one goal we will accomplish in the new year. We continue going round and round until we have run out of goals. There is no minimum or maximum. Goals in our family range from sports/fitness goals like running their first half-marathon, to school-related goals like getting straight A’s to organizational goals like using a planner every day, to intention goals like taking more videos to record family memories. We then take all the cards and post them on a wall somewhere in the house where they can come and look at it. And every year (since the 1st year) we start New Year Eve by looking back at our previous goals and seeing how many we accomplished. As I talk about this, I think this year in 2020 I will make a plan on Canada day (which is July 1st)  to do a mid-year reflection on these goals. I think that would be a great idea to see if all the goals are still ones they want to accomplish, to get some positive feedback for the goals that have already been achieved, and an opportunity to make some new goals if wanted/needed.

• It has become something we all look forward to and helps us set intentions for the next 12 months by looking back on the previous 12 and seeing if we accomplished what we wanted to and if not how come? Did our goals change (that’s ok), did we face a stumbling block that either added time to the completion of the goal (so it gets added to this year) or did we allow the block to do just that and block us from trying…this year I am going to have the kids add the following statement to each goal: If I want to  __________ then I need to ____________. I think it will add a layer of understanding for the kids to see what the goal will cost them...in time, in effort, in sleep...

• This family tradition is an important one for us. And it is really eye-opening for me as a parent to see what is going on in their heads. No one is allowed to judge anyone else’s goals. No snide comments or laughs or giggles. Everyone knows that we are only to be supportive of each other.

These three meetings WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE. It will allow your kids to see what it takes to achieve goals. 

And now, because I want you to have the best 2020 ever - here are some BONUS TIPS for you and your family!

• Hold family meetings when needed - they allow everyone in the family, including the kids, an opportunity to be heard. Provide the space for the kids and parents to voice their feelings in a setting that insists on respectful communication and conflict resolution. Strategize solutions to stumbling blocks. When the kids have a say in decisions, more buy-in will occur and more harmony will be the result.

• Say NO to sarcasm. If you are mad, be mad. If you are sad, be sad. Teaching our children to communicate their feelings openly and honestly, opens the door to finding solutions to problems and is something that will set them up for success in their future lives. 

• Laugh a lot! Laughing together as a family fills up their ‘good-will’ tank and makes your family more resilient in tough times. Laughter means happiness and happiness makes talking about tough times easier. 

• Focus on quality & quantity. I believe whole-heartedly in forced family time. Especially in busy families! Although this might look different for different families, finding the time to spend together, either just in the same space or intentionally out on a walk or a long car drive Be mindful and your family will thank you.

• Date Nights - marriages have to come first. End of sentence. Our partnership HAS TO COME FIRST. We are the bedrock of our family life, we are the executives heading the corporation. So we need to stay tight. We need to stay connected. We need to find alone time for intimacy.

• Practice self-care. We can’t be a good parent or a good partner if our tank is empty. And with SOOOOOO many people needing us on a daily basis, we can often forget how empty our tank is getting until it is too late. And without realizing how depleted we are, we begin to sweat the small stuff, harbor resentment and become bitter when we deny our own needs. So re-fuel often. Don’t believe you don’t need it or that you don’t deserve it. YOU DO. You’ll be happier and more joyful and better prepared for all the things that you are responsible for.

Now, go have your best year yet!

xoxo

I have the privilege of working with so many moms, both new and experienced, both struggling and crushing it. And, if there was one piece of advice that I could bestow on all of them it is this...CHOOSE joy.

I emphasize the CHOOSE rather than the joy because there is so much evidence out in the world that we have the ability to change our mood, change our perspective, change our mindset. WE are the ones in power. Not the children, not the partners in our lives, not our family members, not our circumstances. WE have the power.

As parents, we are often consumed and overloaded with EMOTIONAL STRESS. In particular, relationship stress. Our complex relationships with our spouses, partners, children, parents and extended family can be overwhelming at times. Emotional stress is complicated. It is more dangerous than many other kinds of stress as it often manifests into PHYSICAL PAIN - a feeling of “heaviness” in our chests, a pounding headache that doesn’t go away with medication or a stomach ache that has no apparent cause. And while we might think that the traditional coping mechanisms of problem-solving our way through issues or discussing them with a friend may help, in actuality, this may exasperate the stress and spiral us down into an abyss from our rumination on the problem or situation we are dealing with.

Emotional stress can be extra challenging because we often see the circumstance as ones out of our control. We can’t see how to change the situation and therefore have difficulty handling and coping with these kinds of stress, whether it be relationship stress, financial stress or workplace stress.

What we CAN DO about emotional stress is to find ways to control our emotional response TO the stress. Practicing mindfulness, distracting ourselves in the short term, meditation, alone-time and speaking with a therapist are all ways we can healthily deal with emotional stress.

TWO key ways to help you CHOOSE joy and cope with the emotional stresses of parenting are:

1. MOVE YOUR BODY - Dance, sing, run, walk—moving our bodies IMMEDIATELY changes the chemistry in our blood and releases “feel good” hormones rushing through us. If we can focus in on that feeling and use it to help us through the rough times — what a difference we will see in our lives! What a difference our outlook will be. What strength we will have to bring to each new challenge thrown our way.

2. BREATH - a key way for us to ground ourselves and choose joy. For the really tough moments, deep breathing and focusing on our feet being firmly planted on the ground, focusing on our belly rising and falling with each breath and taking ourselves out of the moment to think about what the bigger picture is will help us to be mindful and able to choose joy.

We and only we are responsible for how we feel. We can decide to CHOOSE joy. I challenge you to focus on your breath and move your body when you need to snap yourself out of the self-pity, ruminating spiral of emotional stress the next time it begins to rear its ugly head.

You got this.

This concept was one my parents taught me, but it took a LONG time for me to actually practice it and let’s be honest—COMMIT to, because this concept takes WORK.

We had kids pretty early in our marriage and TBH my focus became singular once our 1st was born. My time, my love, my entire focus became all about her. And it stayed on her and then her brother who came 18months later. Throw in going back to work full time after her and then part time after him...and then top it off with hubby working 60+hrs/week, and often not home before 7-8pm…well, I’m sure you can understand how difficult that was on the marriage and how finding time to focus on US fell to the side.

Fast forward to 2008. Married for 8 years and with 3 children ages 7 and under. Life was busy and full. I was back at work part time and Chris was as busy as ever - now on to his 5th career promotion since we had been married. This picture was taken on our first plane ride trip away since the children were born. We have been extremely blessed to have had our parents actively involved in helping us raise our children and when they agreed to look after them for 3 days, we jumped at the chance.

Getting away on a quick trip to San Francisco was a blessing. Knowing our children were well looked after while we were gone was priceless. It was a much-needed trip for us to reconnect and rediscover how much we liked each other. It allowed us to remember what it was that connected us to each other in the first place. So often, the busyness of life and the day-to-day grind of parenting, the scheduling, the remembering of all the things can get in our heads and, quite frankly, fills up all the empty spaces so there is little room for anything else.

But what kind of example for healthy relationships are we setting when we make our sole focus that of our kids? What message are we sending about marriage and love when we act as shadows of ourselves, passing each other in the few hours we spend in the same place? Effective communication and love languages are not topics taught in high school or college. Throw in busy careers and little people whose lives we are responsible for and it’s a wonder any marriage survives those first 5 years...

If we don’t put the health of our marriage at the top of our list, when we focus primarily on our children and their needs, we are exasperating our children’s already strong “me” complex that they come by naturally. Our children need to learn that they come third. That while we love them to death and would do almost anything for them, first and most importantly, mom and dad’s individual needs need to be taken care of. Without happy and healthy individuals, there is no way a happy and healthy couple can exist. Secondly, they must see their parents put each other as the next priority. They must see that the couple at the head of the family are connected, kind to each other, and eager to love and serve each other. And, finally, the needs and wants of the children can be addressed. I truly believe that this is the number one way for a healthy family to exist and it is the advice I give to all new moms and dads as they forge forward into the new territory of parenthood.

Over the past ten years (we have been married for 19 so as I said, it took us some time to figure this all out) we have focussed on US. We now have FOUR children, and he has earned the ability to be more flexible at work and set his hours to be present and home much more now than ever. I quit my teaching job and now own two businesses that allow me to focus on my own personal growth and passions while still being a full-time mom (my kids only recently realized that I actually work).

We spend A LOT of time together and when we do, things are good. REALLY GOOD. I have learnt that the tough times come when we get busy and focussed on things that take us away from each other. So, this weekend, I am excited to spend some one on one time with Chris, doing things we love to do. We are jumping on a plane and heading back to San Francisco for a jam-packed 3 days, just the two of us. While we are so terribly sad to only have one of our parents left here with us, we are forever thankful that she is able to continue to be an important part of our children’s lives. We are also blessed to have my brother, whose support to us and our family is so very precious to us.

I am so very excited and thankful to have opportunities to work on our marriage that involve “us time”. Add in travel and fun experiences and there is nothing better.

Next week I share my TOP MARRIAGE TIPS that I hope can help those of you in the early stages.

And, if you have been married for a long time already, I hope you will find it reflects the things that you do to ensure you stay happy, healthy, connected and in love in an exceptional marriage.

We have worked HARD to ensure all 4 of our kids read for pleasure. From reading to them from the moment they were born, to having books upon books available to them, to sharing our childhood favorites (that Gordon Korman book she is reading in the pic is OLD and there is a STACK of them from my husband’s childhood), to modelling reading to them, to working hard to find content/authors/topics that they connect to—it can take WORK to show them how amazing books are!📚

BUT it was never pushed on them. Never made to be a chore. They were never forced to finish a book they didn’t like. They were presented with books over and over again and for some of them the love of reading was IMMEDIATE. For one of my children, it was a little more like a slowly growing fire...one that needed tending, kindling, oxygen and gentle prodding to get it to ignite and get stronger. And, for him, when we don’t do see him reading often, and we see the fire begin to burn out, we have to work to rekindle it and help him find a new, amazing, and exciting novel. 📚

So here are my 5 TIPS to raise voracious readers!

1. START YOUNG! As soon as you have a handle on keeping that little baby alive and fed, start reading to them. Hold them tight, cuddle them and read to them. OFTEN. The sound of your voice will soothe them, the cuddles will create some bonding time, and your time spent reading aloud together will create memories that they will cherish for a lifetime.

2. HAVE LOTS & LOTS OF BOOKS - all kinds! A print-rich environment is key. Whether they are graphic novels, newspapers, comic books, board books, picture books, novels, stats from sports…ANY kind of reading is to be celebrated and encouraged. Have the books easily accessible to them. You can even create a special reading room or nook in your house that is special to them. I used to climb under my bed with a pillow, blanket & flashlight to read my special books.

3. LET THEM CHOOSE what they want to read! Everyone has different tastes/preferences. We can’t expect our children to like what we like. While we CAN encourage them to try many different types/genres of books, it is ultimately our job to help them find what THEY love! It may be non-fiction, it may be romance, it may be suspense / sci-fi / mystery / dystopian… just encourage them to keep reading. And, if they want to read the SAME book OVER & OVER again…oblige them! Read the book. Again and again. This is an important part of learning to read and although it can be mind-numbing for us, it is VITAL to them.

4. GO TO THE LIBRARY - often! Libraries are GREAT resources for us to help them find what they love. Librarians are magic! They know what new books have come out, what other children their age have loved, and what might grab their interest. They too, will encourage your children to read. Anything. They can be one of your biggest supporters. And, libraries are FREE. In our town, we can search online and have all the books we are looking for sent to our neighbourhood branch that we can walk to as a family, or that they can go to on their own when they are older.

5. FOCUS ON THE ACT OF READING - not on their ability to read! DON’T criticize. DON’T judge. Encourage them and make them feel comfortable to take the risk of pronouncing something incorrectly. Ask fun, inquiry questions over dinner. Read the same thing they are reading so you can bond over the excitement of the characters and topics. DON’T make it a book assignment! Don’t require ANY work associated with the reading. This reading is for pleasure ONLY. We want our children to use reading as a quiet and relaxing activity. One that allows them to jump into a make-believe world or a world filled with things they are passionate about!

And finally - BE A ROLE MODEL! Our children are watching us — all the time! They will do what we do. They will value what we show to be valuable. They will want to please us while they are little by copying/mimicking our behaviours. Show them how reading is special to you. Show them that you carve out time in your busy day to read. Model no tv time before bed and make reading before bed your family’s way of doing things.

It takes WORK to parent our children and guide them into habits and the directions that will benefit them. It takes work to lead with encouragement but not force. It takes work to help them appreciate the life-long habits that will make them healthy, happier and more knowledgeable. 📚

I would LOVE if you shared your favorite childhood/teen book that made you a reader! We can create a list to benefit all of our families!

BUT a funny thought came to my husband and I as we spent our Friday night together watching our 2 youngest compete at the Provincial Championships in their newest sport - Track & Field. We thought “THANK GOODNESS THERE ARE FOUR OF THEM”.

Why you ask? Because we are a COMPETITIVE and INTENSE couple. We are both driven and goal-oriented and like to experience success. Whether that is beating each other (or our kids) in board games, a game of 21 in basketball, or Jeopardy on TV, we have NEVER let one of our kids beat us or let the other spouse win, just because we wanted that person to feel better. That’s not how we roll. And yes, that meant I spent a lot of time with crying and upset children who didn’t like losing to me over and over again when they were three.

So, as we observed and chatted about the families around us at the track meet, the families with only one child or the families with only one or two children competing in sports…we realized how different and challenging it would be to be our child if there was only one of them. Only one child to focus on. Only one child to push and motivate. Only one child to watch succeed and fail.

Having FOUR children means we don’t have time to focus on any one of their success or failures for too long. We are quickly moving on to the next child and their events, their successes, their failures. No one gets to wallow in self-pity for too long. No one gets to gloat and feel important for too long. Four children means a 4x dilution in the attention, the intensity and the competitiveness that comes with the pressure, the celebration and the defeat of being in sports.

And we think that is healthy. Because in the end, these moments in time are just that, moments. Moments that show them how their hard work has paid off in best times, good grades or games won. Moments that show them that sometimes, in spite of how hard you think you worked, someone else worked harder. Moments that show them sometimes it just doesn’t work out, for a reason none of us can figure out. That’s life. Those are the lessons that sports are teaching our children and us

So, if you and your partner have been called intense, competitive or success driven, and reproducing comes easy to you…maybe think about having a big family if you can. Dilute that passion, that intensity and that competitiveness you both have and we know that your kids will thank you.

Stephanie, xo

I see the evidence daily that EVERY mom loves their child with an ache that can only be experienced, not understood. It may be instant for some as soon as they lay eyes on their newborn, or it may grow deeper and deeper over time. For many it is the moment that child they have longed for finely finds their way into their forever home. For me, it is an inexplicable & indescribable “something” that makes me jump into mama bear mode in an instant, that makes me tear up just looking at them sometimes, that would make me give my life for theirs in a heartbeat. 

EVERY child is important.

EVERY human has a story that leads them to where they are.

We MUST remember that and we MUST teach our children to view  and treat each other with respect and empathy. 

BUT...let’s be real.

If my children’s lives lack diversity, lack intimate and frequent social interactions with people of different races, religions or sexuality, how can they truly do this? If they lack the knowledge of history and the grave ills and horrific experiences people have been put through, how can they even begin to empathize in the slightest? Marginalized people are suffering at the hand of those in charge. If we want change, than we must ensure our children are educated.

One way we can do this is ensure that our own circle of friends is diverse. Have an honest look at the guest list you would put together if you were to invite 100 people over. How diverse is it? Are there people of different races, religions, ages, sexual identity or differently abled on the list? If we don’t model this to our children we are failing. We can do better. We MUST do better. 

Another way we can help our children is to ensure they watch, listen and visit places that tell the stories they need to hear. If you don’t live in a diverse community, than this is if the UTMOST important. 

One such show that has recently been added to Netflix is “When They See Us”. It is the powerful, heart-wrenching, honest and beautifully composed 4 part series that tells the story of 5 young boys horrifically treated by the NY Police department, coerced into confessing to a crime they did not commit and then wrongfully sent to prison for 5-15 years in the Central Park Jogger case in the 80’s. I believe it is REQUIRED viewing for all our tweens & teens AND US! I implore you to watch it and then watch it again with your children. Use it as a spark to open up a discussion around the injustices and horrific treatment of blacks in America. Let it be the beginning of more discussions around the lack of opportunities & immense challenges that marginalized people face all over the world, on a daily basis. 

As parents, as moms, I know you love your child(ren) with a passion that you never knew was possible. We must realize that all people are someone’s child. The mothers & fathers of these 5 boys loved their children too. However, because of racism and a broken justice system, they were unable to help their children when it mattered the most. I can’t even pretend that I can begin to understand the anguish, guilt and failure they must have felt. 

So, I IMPLORE you to make the time to watch this show. And then I implore you to look at the people in your life and in your child’s life.

We MUST do better than our parents and their parents.

We MUST continue to fight for the equality of all people and that starts first, with the education of our own children, our own families, and in our own communities.

We MUST speak up and teach our children to speak up when they see injustices occur.

We MUST. 

We hadn’t watched any of these seasons episodes so we started from the beginning. We were enjoying it, the personalities, the challenges...and then it happened...they RODE ELEPHANTS in Laos, Vietnam...and my heart BROKE.

I sat there in shock for a bit and then quickly googled elephants in Laos to make sure I wasn’t missing something...maybe this was a special place, maybe it was ???

Of course it wasn’t. My logical brain kicked in and I had an honest talk about what it must take to break an elephant’s spirit. We talked about how the babies are stolen from their mothers, how they are whipped and beaten and kept in a confined space. All an elaborate process to break the elephants down and instil in them such a fear of their trainers that they are deemed “safe” to ride. (Think Theon in #thegameofthrones 😮)

This conversation I had with my kids about this show and their celebration of riding elephants was important. But, it wouldn’t have happened if we didn’t spend time consuming the same media. If I don’t know what they see, listen to, engage in...I can’t ensure our family values and ideologies are guiding them while they are young.

WE MUST be a part of the conversation. WE MUST help present all sides of an issue so they can make educated choices in what they consume. Whether that is music that degrades women and uses language meant to keep us submissive and seen as only sex objects to the many news media outlets that have an agenda and are often one-sided and don’t present all the facts. Regardless of what the issues are, WE MUST walk alongside our children/teens as they learn to navigate that which is all around them.

I have included below a link to a CNN article that talks about the exploitation and mistreatment/abuse of elephants in Vietnam. It talks about the tourism industry and it’s role in the continuation of this practice. But I encourage you to do your own research. Just as I encourage my children to do. The process of vetting all information presented to us is important. It will only be then that we will truly be able to raise children who indeed, will change the world for the better.

https://www.google.ca/amp/s/amp.cnn.com/cnn/2017/08/07/asia/mandalao-responsible-elephant-retreat-laos/index.html

All the things we are to other people. But what are we to ourselves? What are we driven by?

Such a hard question to answer for so many women. Others ask so much of us to be so much to them. But how often do we get to sit back and reflect on what WE want to be? What WE need? What WE want our impact to be on the world?

We are so much more than any one of those things above. We are heart-driven, loving and caring beings who have more capacity to share these things with the world than any other creature on the planet. The question is HOW are we going to choose to do so? How are we going to take our individual spirit, talents, gifts and passion and make an impact on the world?

We may love children, love animals, love cooking, love dance, love yoga, love crystals, love the stock market, love real estate, love home decor, love painting, love building things, love creating things, love connecting people together…the key is tuning in with ourselves to find out what it is that we LOVE to do. And then, we must make the time and find the means to pursue that! We MUST!

As moms, we MUST take the time to figure out what can drive us to make an impact on the world. As women we MUST, because without women leading from the front, this world is at a disadvantage. Our communities are at a disadvantage. Our families are at a disadvantage.

Today I had the privilege of being invited to an event by GRANOLA GIRL where I was brought together with 30 amazing women from diverse backgrounds, each with a unique story and each with a heart that has led them to their current state. Many found their way through struggle and heartache. Many found their way through looking within and discovering what their special gift was that they wanted to share with the world. Many of them are making a difference in their lives, their families lives, their communities and beyond.

I left this group feeling inspired, connected, uplifted and driven to be driven by what I want to be…not what others want me to be. I encourage you to take some time, breathe, centre yourself away from distractions, and listen to what your heart is telling you. Listen to that voice that is saying “what if I…” and let it lead you to something that will help you be who YOU want to be.

YOU are meant to be what YOU want you to be.

xoxo

How do you know?

What are the signs?

If you haven’t read part one of this blog, CLICK HERE to read that first! Discover what behaviours you should be looking out for, what changes and challenges you may be facing that may be a result of their phone addiction.

So now what?

If it is clear that your teen has a problem, you CAN work towards fixing it. I will always advocate TALKING with them and ROLE MODELING to them acceptable use. If you yourself are addicted (see the last post to have an honest check in with yourself), trying to change your teens behaviour will be an epic fail!

Phone use isn’t ALL bad. It helps them connect with their friends, get help on school work/homework, stay organized with an online calendar/app and stay connected with you and other family members. Although it may seem like your teen is constantly connected, use the above questions to see if their use is indeed having negative consequences on their lives. Your teen may be using their phone within the healthy limits you have outlined (ex. No phones on their bedrooms).

So, if you yourself are role modeling healthy phone habits, the next step is having conversations on this topic. And it isn’t a one-time go! This needs to be an ongoing conversation. 

Here are a few ideas to help you:

• Educate: Talk openly about the benefits and potential pitfalls of screen time WITHOUT lecturing them. Take the time to listen to them about why they feel the need to be on their phone so much. Guide them into understanding that someone having 24hr access to them is unreasonable and unhealthy for their mind and body. Ask for their input. Talk opening and honestly about how too much screen time affects us physically, emotionally, academically, and socially. 

• Make a plan: Talk about setting healthy limits and boundaries for your family. Have rules and stick to them. Ex. No phones at the dinner table, no phones in your rooms at night time. Remember, these rules apply to EVERYONE in the family. We must follow the family rules as well.

• Monitor use: Our teens will ALWAYS look for workarounds when they feel like they’re being watched. Be honest about what and why your are checking on them. Have them take responsibility for monitoring themselves. There are several apps available to monitor how and when your teens use their phones. The iPhone now has a “screen-time” setting. You can use this to track usage and set healthy limits for specific apps (e.g. xx hours per day for social media). Start with just tracking to see where you are all at now. YOU included. Compare with each other and set goals together. Make it a contest to see who can stay within the agreed upon time. Celebrate when you reach these goals. 

• No use times: Phones, tablets, and laptops should be removed from the bedroom at night. Sleep is VERY important! Have a plan to ensure that these items are plugged in at a central location in the house before bedtime, and not used until a certain time in the morning.

• No screen zones: Meals, family outings, daily car rides, and social gatherings are examples of times when frequent checking negatively affects relationships. Set firm boundaries for screen use in these settings and stick to them.

Smartphones are something new. Most of us did not have them when we were in high school. It’s new territory and with that comes new expectations and rules we as parents have to enforce. We know first hand that mindless scrolling and viewing can waste hours of time and affect daily functioning. It makes us grumpy, irritable and often sad or depressed. But, with healthy limits in place and frequent conversations, we can establish limits and expectations that work and keep our teens healthy and happy. 

Phones aren’t going away anytime soon…they CAN be an amazing tool! Let’s teach our children how to use them properly and to self-regulate their use. This TRULY is a skill they will need to be healthy, functioning and independent adults.

Sound familiar?

As a former high school teacher and a coach who has worked with tweens & teens for decades, one piece of advice/warning I give parents of this age group is—watch out! My experience has shown me that around February of their grade 8 year through until the end of grade 9, is what I will refer to as the DANGER ZONE. Locally, our high schools are grades 8-12. This time frame may be slightly different for you.

Here, in grade 8, you see children coming into high school, all nervous and wanting to please their teachers and their parents. But, about half way through, hormones kick in and social dynamics are TOP of their list. Their friends and their place in the social groups at school become their top priority. Often, NOTHING else matters!

Think back to your junior/high school years. When did you first spend all day thinking about the boy/girl you liked? Remember passing notes? Remember being consumed with thoughts about your friends and who/where you would hang out with/at lunch? Remember when you first found out someone you knew had ‘done it’? For me it was a friend in grade 8. What about your first experience with drugs? For me it was grade 8 homeroom and watching a boy next to me roll a chunk of hash. What about alcohol? For me it was seeing kids come back from lunch, drunk for last period, giggling and snickering to each other. ALL IN GRADE 8! It was a whole new world! 

Now let’s fast forward to the high school of our children. Did you know that 95% of teens have access to a smartphone? So now in addition to all the things we had to deal with as teenagers, add this INSTANT ACCESS piece to the mix! Now our teens have a way to stay in touch with their friends, and their friends in touch with them, 24hours a day! And so a new challenge faces our kids, and has enormous impact on their emotional wellbeing and us as their parents. 

So here are the facts from a 2016 study. 

• 50% of teens “feel addicted” to their phones

• 72% of them feel a need to immediately respond to texts, snap and Instagram messages and other notification at least HOURLY

• 45% of teens said they use the Internet “almost constantly”

• 44% said they go online several times a day

• 50% of teenage girls are “near-constant” online users

• 39% of teenage boys are “near-constant” online users 

We as parents hear that we must teach our teens the importance of balance. To do so, we must understand how our teens are actually using their phones and for what purposes. 

Cell phone addiction/behavioural disorder is a real thing! Signs your child has an issue that needs to be addressed are:

• Knowing that texting/using their phone and driving is dangerous/illegal and feeling compelled to do it anyway.

• Using their phone even when it causes conflict/fights with their family.

• Not participating in family events to be on their phone.

• An often impulsive, frequent, constant checking of phone, even in short bursts, every few minutes. 

• Insomnia or not being able to sleep/stay asleep due to frequent checking of their phone. 

• An excessive need to feel “connected”. 

• Using their phone to counteract their sad mood.

• A need to respond immediately to messages and alerts. 

• They have Increased anxiety and/or irritability if their phone is not nearby. 

• They continue to be excessive in its use, despite any of these negative effects

So how can you tell if they are just using it a bit more than normal or if it is daily, excessive use that is problematic? Ask yourself the following questions:

• Does my teen become angry, irritable, anxious, or even violent when the phone is taken away or unable to be used?

• Does my teen skip or avoid social events or extracurricular activities to use the smartphone instead?

• Is my teen’s personal care (hygiene), friendships, family relationships, or school work negatively affected by smartphone use?

• Does smartphone use interfere with my teen’s normal sleep routine?

• Are there any major changes in my teen’s eating habits that can’t otherwise be explained?

• Are there any major changes in mood that can’t otherwise be explained? 

So now what? If it is clear that your teen has a problem, you CAN work towards fixing it.

Tomorrow I’ll share FIVE IDEAS you can use to help address this problem in your family!

6. Don’t Be Confrontational.

When we use force, there will ALWAYS be push-back. This is true in all our relationships! When we take a hard and quick position on something, we will push our children into defying us, just to prove a point. Remember that our children want power. Power over making their own decisions based on what they think is best. How do you know you are in the midst of a power struggle with your child? Ask yourself if you are invested in ‘winning’. Seriously, are you more concerned about whether you ‘win’ the argument you are having or in coming to a resolution that works for both of you? Can you take a step back and say “OK, this you can decide for yourself.” If they can’t, what part of it can they? Or find another way to give them autonomy without risking their safety or health.

7. Let Them Save Face.

You don’t always have to be right. Sidestep a power struggle and avoid trying to break your child’s will or forcing them to your way of thinking. Yes, we have rules and expectations and while they may have to do what we say, they are allowed to not like it or agree with it. We want to encourage our children to have their own thoughts and feelings but also understand that there are rules and laws in the world that we all have to abide by.

8. Listen. Listen. And Listen Some More.

Oftentimes as the parent, we think we know best. But a strong-willed child will also have a strong opinion often based on their strong integrity of what is right and wrong. It is their viewpoint that is causing them to hold fast to their position. Often they are trying to protect something that is very important to them. It is only by listening calmly to them and reflecting back the words they are saying to us that we will understand where they are coming from and why they are opposing us. If they are resisting taking a bath that day, start with non-judgemental acknowledging and curiosity. “I hear you telling me you don’t want to take a bath, can you tell me more about why?” You may find out (as a friend once told me) that they’re afraid they will go down the drain like they read in a book! My friend would never have found that nugget of info out if she hadn’t have taken the time to ask her daughter why.

9. See It From Their Point of View.

Your child is mad because you promised to wash her princess dress and then forgot. To you, she is being unreasonable and over-reacting. To her, she is justifiably upset. You promised and broke that promise. She isn’t allowed to break promises to you! How do you clear this up and move on? Apologize. Sincerely. Understand why they are upset and reassure them that you try very hard to keep your promises. See if you can come up with a solution. Perhaps you can teach them how to wash so they can have autonomy and control over these things in their life. Empower them.

10. Discipline is NOT punishment.

We must always guide and direct our children with discipline based on our relationship with them. When you want your child to change course, think of how you can support them in doing so, rather than forcing them to do so. Strong-Willed children will never be FORCED to do anything. Trying to do so will just increase their resistance. They won’t allow themselves to back down because their integrity is too strong and they feel threatened. BUT, if you give them support and they feel connected to you and listened to, you can usually get them to agree to what you want. If they want to have a positive and loving relationship with us MORE than they want getting their way in the moment, they will cooperate with us. The more we fight with them, punish them, and undermine their wants, the less they feel connected to us. In the middle of a fight, their adrenaline is pumping and there is no learning that can happen. So, instead of trying to ‘teach’ in those emotional moments, take a breath and try to CONNECT with them. Help them express their hurt, their disappointment, their fear…so that later they will be more willing to listen to us when we take the time to explain that (for example) in our house we talk kindly to one another.

BONUS TIP - CONNECT CONNECT CONNECT!

Connection is 80% of parenting. Unless our kids feel connected to us, they won't accept our guidance, especially our strong-willed ones. I think about my own teenagers and how parenting them has, for the most part, been pretty painless. I believe this is because I have a strong connection with each of them based on mutual love and respect. They don’t want to disappoint me, not because I threaten them, but because they truly want to keep our relationship positive and strong. Connection will always be the most effective way to influence your strong-willed child.

Remember, that waving your finger in their face as you tell them to do something or else…will never work!” It suggests your child doesn’t have a choice and that almost always will guarantee that there is going to an argument. Strong willed children will never do something when they feel they are being ordered to do so.

So my advice taken from the Dali Lama is this:

"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible."

Morality is doing what's right, no matter what you're told. Obedience is doing what you're told, no matter what's right.
- H.L. Mencken

Do you want your child to do what you say, no questions asked?

Are you yearning for the obedient child?

I would urge you that NO, this ISN’T what you want.

You DON’T want a child who always does as they are told. One who blindly acts and follows because the person asking/telling is older/bigger. Making our children act out of FEAR is never a good parenting strategy. I will argue that you want your children to do as you ask because they TRUST you. Because they have learnt that you are thoughtful about what you say yes and no to. Because even though you don’t always say yes to what they want, they know you have their best interests at heart.

So here is PART ONE of my top TEN tips for parenting strong-willed children to help them become self-disciplined, responsible, considerate -- and most important, discerning! They MUST have the ability to figure out who to trust and when it is OK to be influenced by someone else.

1. Learning Through Experience.

Most children have to see/feel/experience consequences for themselves to understand the why. But, getting hit by a car because you didn’t look both ways crossing the street isn’t really doable...so how do you use this strategy? Well, in some cases you can’t. BUT in many cases you can! It truly is the most effective way. And as long as nothing serious can happen, a few bumps, and bruises and extra cleanups, and messes (while in the moment will be frustrating) will be worth it in the long run, especially with your strong-willed children. They will test your limits REPEATEDLY. It's how they learn. And the sooner you embrace this fact, the easier it will be to stay calm, watch them fail, and be there to support them through their bad decisions. Instead of being the one who always says no, you can be the one there to help them determine what the “right” decision is. This will BUILD your relationship rather than tear it down.

2. Mastery/Autonomy is KEY!

It is so important to let our children take charge of as many of their own activities as possible. They MUST learn to do things without being nagged! Try strategies like checklists and reminders instead. Use positive reinforcement for what they ARE doing right with gentle reminders for what they missed. For example, in the morning you can reinforce the habits you want them to learn by saying “what else do you need to do before we leave?” If they look at you blankly, you can list off the short list. “Brushed teeth. Packed lunch. Packed backpack. I can see you have your lunch and back pack ready to go—FANTASTIC! What else needs doing so we can go?” Your child will fight with you less when they feel in control. And bonus, they learn responsibility! The earlier you start this system the better!

3. CHOICE.

You children want choice. Stop barking orders at them. You strong-willed child will immediately get her back up and shut down. Offering choice works when they are toddlers (do you want to wear your blue pants or your purple skirt today?) AND when they are teenagers (please either take the garbage out or unload the dishwasher). BUT be sure you can live with either choice! Also, you can’t get resentful by handing away the power! This is what you need to do to get what you want. Keep the end game in mind!

4. AUTONOMY & Authority Over Their Own Bodies.

Children must learn that they are responsible for the health of their bodies and that they and they alone have control over it. BUT that they must make decisions that keep it safe & healthy! Deciding they don’t want to wear a jacket when you think it is cold outside is their decision. But be clear that their decision has consequences. You will not be driving back to the house to get it on an outing. You might suggest putting the jacket in their back pack/car in case it gets cold later. REMEMBER, don’t play the “told-you-so” game if and when she asks for her jacket later! You are tying to teach them to make their own decisions and they can only make informed ones by learning through experiences so that next time they make a more informed decision.

5. Use Routines & Rules.

Some things are just so in your house. That’s a must. The use of rules allows you not to be the bad guy. “In our house the rule is we wash our hands before eating”. Or, “the schedule is that we turn our lights off at 8pm so we have time for 2 books if we hurry! Or, “the rule is no TV/video games until homework is done.” Staying consistent with these rules/systems is a MUST. Children will ALWAYS test you, check to see if the rules still apply, to see if you will hold true to them. You MUST. You must be consistent, you must apply the rules fairly across the whole house. You must show them that their are expectations for everyone in the house, including you!

PART 2 COMING TOMORROW!

I had the pleasure of going out for lunch with one of my dear friends who is expecting her first child in August. Seeing her excitement (mixed with a bit of apprehension) was so wonderful to see. I asked her how things are going and how she’s feeling. She said things were good but that the only thing she’s sort of worried about is not knowing what to do when it ends up just being her and her husband, home alone, with this little infant, and feeling so unprepared for it.

Her reply brought back so many memories. I can still vividly remember that feeling. I remember walking onto the elevator with my husband and our firstborn heading home. I remember my husband and I, both of us looking at each other, and him saying “they’re going to just let us leave with her?” And I remember thinking just how crazy that was! They were going to let two totally inexperienced people walk out of the hospital with this brand new little life! They were going to trust us to keep her alive! They were leaving us in charge of this little miracle thinking that we knew how to keep her safe & fed!

So, today I am sharing my most valuable piece of advice to all you first-time new moms and moms-to-be. Bringing home this little life is the coolest and most magical thing you will ever do —hands down. BUT, any and all ideas that you may have about what being a new mom is going to be like ARE WRONG.

What I mean is, if you were like me, I thought life would just go on. I had no reason to believe otherwise. I had no friends who had had kids, I hadn’t been around when my brother had his children, I hadn’t helped raise any nieces or nephews. I innocently believed MY life would just keep on going but with this sweet little being by my side. Uhmmm NOPE. Not at all. Not in the slightest. Not even a little bit.

So here it is, my most valuable piece of advice—remember that you have ONE JOB. That’s it. Your ONE JOB is to keep your precious little baby alive and to keep yourself alive (OK technically that’s two jobs).

That’s it.

Both of you alive, fed, clean, and mostly happy and tear free (that one is harder than it seems- actually at moments, they are ALL harder than you might have thought possible).

Say it again. Say it with me; you have ONE JOB. This DOESN’T include worrying about If there is too much dirty laundry piling up or too many dishes in the sink or too many of a million other things your brain will think of. None of those things matter. Your sole mission is to feed your new little baby, change her diaper and keep him clean and then love up on them and sleep any chance you get.

I know that everyone says that. “Sleep when baby sleeps.” The thing is, you should! Sleep as you have known it will never again be a thing. EVER. Sleep-deprivation is a reality and the fact that all us moms have managed to survive & raise kids at the same time, shows what badasses moms truly are.

This was a lesson I didn’t really learn until my 4th — don’t wait that long! I thought I was superwoman and I could do it all. But, finally, with my fourth I really did just stay in bed with her, feed her, change her and enjoy her. It made such a difference! I implore you to take that first couple of months and really own the job you have taken on. Feed that baby, cuddle that baby and love up on that baby remembering that nothing else matters. They really are only that tiny and helpless for such a short period of time.

And know, going into the first few weeks, that as good intentioned as your husband might be, he more likely than not will distance himself from you and baby. He will likely be overwhelmed himself watching this new and strong relationship he’s seeing bloom in front of his eyes. The bond between you and your baby is a love and a connection that he can’t even possibly begin to understand. As hard as it might be, try to involve him (this coming from a total control freak who wouldn’t let anyone else hold her baby for fear that they would break her). Know that your feelings are normal and not wanting to let him help (and then secretly cursing him for not helping) is something we all go through. But, if you have it in you, try to let him help. But be specific. If that means helping with the laundry, the dishes, the pets etc...tell him. Most men I know WANT to help but are misguided in what we, as new moms want that to look like. Remember, your husbands and partners aren’t mind readers. Clear communication is key.

So once again, my number one piece of advice said another way is this—give yourself some grace. Give yourself the time to just sit in this moment, in this season of your life for the next three months. Spend 20 of each 24 hours holding your new newborn. Hold them, cuddle them, keep them attached to you as much as possible. Build that bond, smell their smell, kiss those chubby cheeks, hold on to those teeny tiny fingers, nibble those teeny tiny toes and just bask in the awesomeness and miracle that is your new baby.

They truly are a miracle. A new life that you helped make and bring into this world. You are a warrior. A warrior who brought this baby to life and now has the awesome responsibility of loving it and raising it. You will never feel a love like you have for your child. Enjoy it. Cherish it. Take lots of selfies even though you haven’t showered or washed your hair in days. You will want to look back at these days and remember.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Do you say “congratulations“ to the parent sitting next to you when their child scores that 3 pointer?

Do you say “good job” to the parent of the child who just won gold in her race?

I implore you to stop it. Stop congratulating parents when their children achieve success in a sport / a debate / a contest. It’s NOT the parent who achieved the success. They didn’t just run the race. They likely had nothing to do with them sinking that 3 pointer. It wasn’t them who got the PQT in the swim race.

Why do I feel this is so important? Why do I feel that this action alone is responsible for perpetuating an ongoing problem in youth sports?

Because the message you are sending when you do this (likely unintentionally so) is that that parent is a better parent because their child was the best in that moment. You are bolstering their ego. And not for the right reasons!

You know these parents. The parents who soak up their child’s accomplishments like they are their own. The ones whose self-worth is determined by how well their children do. It’s an epidemic. An epidemic of parents who believe that their child winning means that they are a winner. These parents are the nightmare of all youth sports coaches. They are too invested in the results their children get and are often the reason that child begins to hate the sport and eventually quit.

What about all the kids who come afterwards...are those parents failures? I know you likely don’t think this, but by only acknowledging the parents of the winners, you are sending this message. The parents of the athletes who cross the finish line last, don’t make it over the minimum height for high jump, fault in all 3 of their long jumps or throws are also to be commended. Their kid showed up. And yes, I believe showing up is half the battle. They got their kids to come and compete for other reasons. Those kids knew they weren’t going to win. They were there for other reasons. Maybe they were going for a personal best, maybe they love the thrill and feeling they get from that sport, maybe they love being a part of a team and the laughs they share on the sidelines. By encouraging and recognizing these children at a young age, we would do a better job of keeping them in sports longer.

Your worth as a parent is not tied up in your child’s physical accomplishments. You are not a better or worse parent because of their results at the track meet, on the court or in the pool. You ARE a great parent if your child cheers their teammates on, shows up and supports their friends at the field events, is kind & smiles at those around them, and finds the fun in the long day at the track mostly standing around and waiting. If you have helped your child develop the persistence to keep trying, the work ethic to show up to all their practices, the positivity and coach-ability that helps them improve day after day...then YOU ARE doing an amazing job parenting. You are raising confident, caring, resilient, and persistent kids who will continue to participate in sports for their lifetime because they see the value of it above and beyond the winning or losing.

So stop congratulating each other on the children’s accomplishments. Stop reinforcing the idea that you are a better parent if your child wins races or jumps the highest or furthest.

Instead, take a moment and congratulate the athlete (but NOT for their win!). Congratulate them for their amazing effort, their well run race, their confidence and composure during the event. Point out how you saw them give their friend encouragement and a pat on the back before their race. Tell them you saw how excited they were for their friend who faced their fear and showed up. Praise the effort and their character-NOT the results.

And Parents — the most important phrase you can say when your child walks over to you after their race/game is “Wow, I LOVED watching you race, that was so much fun to watch.”

Xoxo

Say it only once.

I often hear parents lamenting about how their children whine and pester them about things over and over again. And, when I probe a bit more, I find out the parent often ends up changing their “no” to a “yes” (meaning the child got what they wanted with the whining).

It’s SUPER important to recognize that every time we change our “no” to a “yes” we are reinforcing the whining and pestering behaviours. AND, the longer we last before changing our answer, the better the training we are giving our children to wear us down and become master negotiators.

A rule I gave myself and my children from the time they were young is this: I’ll only say it once.

Meaning, if you ask me something and I say no, ask me again and I’ll ignore you. Ask me AGAIN and I’ll start taking privledge a away.

Ex: Snacks before dinner

Child:”Can I have a cookie?”

Me: “Sure, after dinner.”

Child “But I want a cookie now—pleeeaaassssee!”

Me: “You can have a cookie after dinner, not before. Don’t ask me again or there won’t be any cookies after dinner either.”

If they ask again—no cookies.

If they accept my answer —cookies.

I’ve trained them since they have been young to only ask once. BUT I also don’t say no very often. If you notice in the above example, I didn’t say no, I just gave the conditions under which I would be able to give them what they want. Said another way, I am thoughtful before giving answers. I make sure the kids know I heard them. I make sure they know I understand what they want. And then, I make sure they understand why I have answered them the way I did.

The second part of this rule is to ensure that you don’t make decisions about some of the more touchy/sensitive questions without due thought/consideration. I learnt this as a high school teacher dealing with teenagers on a daily basis (really smart teenagers who wanted to fight me/question me on every mark they lost in their science tests). I often got myself in a pickle when I made rash decisions in the heat of the moment. I learnt the power of the saying “hmmm, interesting, let me think about that and get back to you.” This phrase bought me the time I needed to make sure I thought through all the possible outcomes and it gave me the added bonus of being able to consult with my other teacher friends about how they might handle certain situations/requests.

In combination, these 2 tips are MAGIC. They have eliminated almost all power struggles in my house. They have allowed me to remain calm when faced with a child hell bent on getting their way. All it takes now is a cold look, and a calm and deep “don’t ask me again” and my kids know I mean business and WON’T be changing my mind. Because I don’t.

Did you default to what you know and sign them up for the things you did as a child? I danced, did gymnastics, and skied as a child and ironically none of my children have done any of these. My husband had more variety in his childhood playing soccer, baseball, hockey & basketball.

Fast forward 30 years and my husband is a basketball coach and I own a cheer gym. All four of our children play basketball and 3 of them have done cheer. But they have also swam, run track, and played volleyball, sports neither of us really did seriously.

As our children got older, we made an effort to expose them to as many different things as we could hoping they would find THEIR thing. We encouraged them to be multi-sport athletes. We sought out sports and coaches who supported this. Eventually, we began to see each of them finding the few key ones that seem to bring them the most joy and satisfaction.

What about you? How does it work in your family? At what age do you (or did you) allow your children to pick their own sports/activities? What are the rules around how long they have to try it before they can say they don’t like it or want to change sports? Do you let them switch each year? Do you let them quit mid-season?

Recently I overheard an argument going on between a teen and a parent. The teen was speaking very loudly in an effort to embarrass her parent in front of the entire grandstand. The parent spoke softly in that “keep your voice down or else” kind of tone. The argument was an interesting one. The teen was adamant that she hated track and was mad that her mom “forced” her to participate. She was trying to explain to her mom that by making her do it, she was never going to try her best. Her mom was trying to justify why it was important. The teen was having none of it. She HATED it. She wanted to do other things.

What would you do in this situation? Track season has just started. There is a long spring/summer ahead. Do you force your child to participate in something they HATE? What if you “know” that it is good for them and think that while they may not seem to enjoy it very much, you are confident that if they just tried a little harder they would?

Now, while we are probably seen as a family on one end of the extreme with regard to how active our kids are in sports, we have tried really hard to let our children guide the way into telling us what they enjoy and don’t enjoy. But we have also pushed back when they have said they wanted to give up a sport. My son decided after years of playing soccer that he didn’t like it. We pushed back. We convinced him to give it one more year. He did. And then the following year he hung up his cleats under the agreement that he would try something else. One of our biggest motivations behind their involvement in sports is to keep them active. We don’t want them home playing video games, locked up in their rooms, or being sedentary. Playing sports while they are kids and teens is important to us. It is even more important that they see the value of sports as a way to manage stress and to be healthy. I get so much satisfaction when one of them sees that waking up early for practice makes them feel good after and sets them up for a great day. Adrenaline and feel good hormones are something I want my kids to get used to and crave. What better life-long skill is there than to see the direct benefit of using sports to manage their emotions and mental well-being?

BUT - they have to WANT to do it. They have to be excited by it and see value in participating. They have to want to wake up at 5am for swim practice or to go shoot hoops at the school. They have to want to plan their week appropriately so that their homework & studying gets done. They have to see the value in missing parties or events for practice. They have to buy in because I am not going to fight with them to do it. I don’t have the time, energy, or finances to waste on my kids forcing them to do something they HATE.

The fact that they get to do any of these things is a PRIVILEGE. They have to see it as such. It is our job to make sure they do. And when they do, magic happens. They see sport as an integral part of their life. As a necessity for their well-being. As an amazing thing.

xoxo

Have a teen with whom you are feeling disconnected with?

Have a toddler who is constantly nagging you for attention and just won’t leave you alone?

This week we are all about positive parenting strategies to help improve the tone and feel in your household and in your relationships. Today’s #lazyparentinghack is CARVE OUT TIME.

This one can be simple if you do it in a regular basis. That’s because the more often it happens the less time it actually requires because your relationships are overall healthy and happy. Think of it more as a maintenance thing, if things are going well. The key is to not let it slide otherwise it can begin to feel overwhelming.

So what can this look like? A favorite in our house is going for walks. Every day my husband walks before bed. It’s a healthy habit he has that has also turned out to be a really effective way for him to connect with everyone in the family. He always asks if anyone wants to join him. And more often than not someone does.

Another easy way is to use the time you spend driving kids around to connect. We have a rule of no phones in use in the car. Meaning that kids aren’t allowed to play games, text, or scroll social while being driven around. I think it’s rude. So, this means we have lots of time to chat about their days, share stories of things that happened and even turn the radio on really loud and sing along together (one of my favorite things to do). Creating fun experiences that build our connection together is the goal. Them seeing me as a crazy & goofy person is part of that. Them not on their phones but rather engaging with me is a way for them to show me they appreciate what I am doing for them.

A third example of a way to carve out time is to steal moments throughout the day. If you were to wake up a bit earlier maybe you could sit with your kids at breakfast to chat. If your kids are more receptive at night, maybe you can try to be available at bedtime to climb into bed with them and read a story and talk about their day.

Carving out time doesn’t have to be a big and arduous thing. There are lots of ways to connect in meaningful ways with your kids that don’t require hours of time or elaborate plans. Think about your schedule and see if you can find little snippets of time to connect with each of your children 1 on 1. Remember, our children want to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. Most bad behaviors come from them feeling a lack of these things. Carving out time can help and I guarantee will make a difference in your relationship.

Xoxo

This week I am breaking down the complexity and craziness of parenting into a few simple strategies. Today’s #lazyparentinghack is CATCH THEM DOING GOOD.

Yup-that’s it!

Simple right?

Well, while few things about parenting are actually simple, this one actually is. Take a moment and think honestly about your day. How do most of your conversations with your children go? If you are like most parents, you are probably spending a large part of your day telling your kids what to do. Asking them NOT to do this, or that. Criticizing what they do do. And well, probably, not saying many nice things at all. Life gets busy. There are a zillion and one things we have to manage in our households/families/lives. It’s A LOT. And if you are like me, managing the household and everyone in it is more than a full-time job.

So, my challenge to you is to step outside yourself and imagine what it is like to be on the receiving end of you. What orders/directions are you getting? What feeling do you get from being around you? What words are coming at you? Now, imagine your boss speaking to you that way. How would it feel? How much would you like/respect/care for your boss? So how do you imagine your kids feel?

Today’s challenge is to catch them doing something ‘right’. However small it might be.

“I see you made your bed this morning! That’s a great habit and must make you feel good!”

“I see you put your dishes away, I really appreciate you helping out and getting that done.“

“I just wanted to let you know that I saw how well you played with your sister. That was really kind of you. I’m sure she loved spending that time with you. I also really appreciated it. It allowed me to get some work done.“

Little things. That’s what you need to notice. Any effort that is made to be kind, helpful, non-argumentative, quiet, entertaining etc. can be recognized. Our children want to be seen. They want to be acknowledged. They want to know that you see their good parts. Tell them you do.

Remember, your children want to feel appreciated, valued and loved.

I promise it will make a HUGE difference in the atmosphere in your house and in your relationship.

Xoxo

Have a surly teen who always seems angry or distant or both?

Have a toddler who is seemingly ALWAYS begging for your attention?

Turn their behaviour around INSTANTLY!

The secret? Make them feel loved. It really is that simple. Every time they walk into the room or come up to you, look directly into their eyes with genuine love and care. That’s it. That’s the secret.

When they come home from school, put down your phone, look them in the eye and show them you are excited to see them.

When you/they wake up and you greet each other for the first time each day, put a huge grin on your face, give them a bear hug and show them how glad you are to see them.

When your teenagers walk into the room, walk up to them, make direct eye contact, say hi and smile your biggest loving grin right at them.

All our kids want (heck all any of us want) is to be seen, to be heard, to be appreciated & to be loved. I promise you, that if you commit to taking just a moment every time your children walk into the room and give them the couple of minutes it takes to smile and show love/affection, you will dramatically alter the vibe in your house. You will see an instant shift in your relationship with them and over time with consistent effort focussing on this, make a lasting impact that will strengthen your relationship with them forever.

I challenge you to try this today. Right now. Commit to making sure you connect with your child the next time they walk into the room, ask for your attention, demand something from you or even behave badly. Take a second to give them your attention. Give them your smile. Give them your eyes bright with love. I promise it will make a difference.

xoxo

I am so grateful to be named as one of Vancouver Mom’s TOP 30 BLOGGERS today on their website LINKED HERE.

The start of Lazy Parenting and the community you have all helped to create is a passion project of mine. Being a parent to 4 of my own children along with the thousands of children I have had the privilege to coach or teach over my lifetime has given me unforgettable moments and vast experiences on which I base my blog posts.

Through this medium, I endeavour to share stories, insights, tips and tricks to young parents as well as seasoned veterans in the hopes of helping build the community that is needed to support us all through this tumultuous journey of parenthood. And while parenting is never easy, it can be made easier by taking an intentional viewpoint on the why and how we interact with our children. Why we set boundaries, why we enforce them, why we put in so much work when they are young, why we lead with our gut, why we put relationships first, why we insist on respect and why we must give respect.

Being a “lazy parent” is the pay off for all the hard work we put in. With consistency, high expectations, strong family values and a whole lot of love, patience and understanding, parenting can be filled with much more joy and happiness than stress and yelling. I believe this to my core. I live it every day. I invite you to come along and join in our community so you too can wear the badge of ‘lazy parent’.

xoxo