LDS Mommy

No One Told Me...

2017-01-11T00:01:00.001-06:00

I'm sitting here in my living, on my couch, staring at homework that needs to be done and dealing with a racing heart and another oncoming panic attack. Because it is night time, my kids are in bed, and this has been when my mind gives up the battle for the day. I've never been prone to anxiety or panic attacks, that's not the person I was. But it is now. At least for a little while, at least until this hole inside of me is at least a little filled.

I know that nothing that I am saying is making any sense to any one of you. You may have already clicked that little "x" at the top of this page. But if you haven't, just be prepared for the honesty of this blog. And, I would like to add, please leave judgment, blame, and negative comments to yourself. I've gotten plenty of those over the years and that is precisely why I am where I am right now. You have no idea how hard it is for me to be telling you this, any of this: what happened years ago and what's happening now. But if I can help just one person then this pounding heart and these racing nerves will be well worth it.

If you know me well/communicate with me on a fairly regular basis then you know that I have been withdrawn and "not myself" for the past few weeks. Typically, I'm a very social person, very "peppy", very upbeat, loves to have fun, sort of person. But that hasn't been the case lately because everyday has been an internal war for me for weeks. I don't know what exactly triggered it, the memories, the emotions, the pain. But something did. And it is very real. PTSD isn't only something that affects soldiers. I didn't know that. Until I realized that I'd been experiencing it for almost 10 years and most painfully so in the last month.

1 in 5 women in America are raped. That's a pretty high number. I am one of those "1's". And for 10 years I believed that what happened to me was my fault, that I was to blame for it. People who were very close to me even said things like, "how could you let this happen?" Gosh, I'll never ever forget that statement in particular. How COULD I let this happen? How could I let someone do that to me? What was I thinking? I must have deserved it. It wouldn't have happened if.... Maybe he wouldn't have if..... I wouldn't be dealing with this now if....

So, why am I only just dealing with this 10 years after the fact? Well, I did what most victims do: what we're told. We "get over it". We "move on". I pretended that it just wasn't a thing. I didn't address it. After all, it had to have been my fault, so I didn't deserve to get any sort of help. But, you see, if your conscious mind won't deal with something, then your subconscious will do it for you. About 7-8 months after it happened I started experiencing chronic pain. Anyone who knows me knows that it's gotten progressively worse for years. Every. Single. Year. My periods got extremely irregular and heavy and painful (sorry if that's tmi but I mean, really, look at the subject matter here). My depression grew deeper and more consistent each year. I lost "who I was" and just felt hopeless about everything. Nothing about me was good enough. I've not been a good enough mother, wife, student, you name it. There is constant self hate, self criticism, self blame and endless shame. I never felt "clean". I've developed obsessive compulsive tendencies while showering.

That's all been going on for almost 10 years, but I just thought that I was incredibly depressed/maybe in a not so good relationship. And while my husband and I have had our share of legitimate problems, he is no doubt a wonderful man and I am in a very safe and respectful relationship. But if I couldn't love, trust, or be with myself.... how could I with him?

So, what does that have to do with now? Well, I guess my mind and body have decided that it's time to deal with this "little" matter that in fact, is no little matter at all. Everyday for the past few weeks I've dealt with daily, vivid, horrible flashbacks. I remember more and more each day. There are so many things in my everyday life that "trigger" me, that send me into panic attacks or strong anxiety. Anything that reminds me of loss of control or vulnerability triggers me. My two youngest children trigger me, and that has been the hardest thing about this probably. I can't look at their vulnerability, specifically during diaper changes, and not be vividly reminded of that night. But I change the diapers, and I save the meltdowns for when they're safely in front of the television at least one story below me.

I don't trust myself. In my mind I have always been responsible for my assault and somehow that has made me dangerous to myself, in my own mind. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared that these symptoms, these intrusive thoughts, these flashbacks might never end. That they'll lead me to do something stupid. That they'll drive me insane. Logically, I know that this has to end, but it feels pretty hopeless in the midst of it.

Every night I curl up on the floor and sob: about how I'm ashamed, angry, scared, a horrible person, weak, anything that I can tell myself that is negative, pretty much. When I was first triggered, and I didn't know what was going on, I started to physically hurt myself. I won't go into details. I'm fine. I figured out what was going on. That was short lived and stopped immediately when I discovered what the heck was going on, even before so probably. But it happened. And that scared me. And that made me trust my body even less. Made me trust myself even less.

Here's the thing... he had no right to do what he did. to take what he took. He had no right to steal the joy of motherhood away from me. He had no right to invade my marriage, my relationship with my husband. He had no right to make himself a permanent figure in my life. And he had no right and no reason to take my sense of power, control, and trust in myself away from me. But that's what happened. It did. It happened. And I have to deal with this. I have to let this all out. It could take weeks, months, hopefully not years (I don't think it will take years). Because now, I'm ready to deal with it.

As a note: Jordan has been my BIGGEST support. He has held me on the floor (keeps asking if we can sob on the couch but there's just something about crying on the floor....). He reassures me that I am a good person. That what happened to me was NOT my fault, I did not choose it, I did not welcome it, I will not let it invade who I am, I will not let it define me. And he always, ALWAYS reassures me that I am safe with him. He has learned lately to ask before he touches me, to respect my boundaries, and to just listen without judgment or advice.

This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm not exaggerating. It really has been. It really is. But everyday I make even just that much more progress. Everyday there are little baby steps taken to heal from this trauma so that I can be me again. Someone that I haven't really seen in about 10 years.

If you're interested, I wrote this a few days ago:
A decade ago
I sunk to my low.
The place that I'd feared
that brought me to tears.
But I didn't know
that terror would show
its ugly, horrifying face
in such an awful way.

What right did you have
to steal me like that?
To rip part of my soul
from inside me?
Who gave you the power
to steal those few hours
that turned into years
and silent, lonely fears?

My body was stolen.
My soul was then broken.
But what did you care?
You'd won your token.
A powerless girl
had entered your world.
And apparently
no moral could stop you.
But it was too late,
my horror complete
by the time I awoke
and came to.

What you did to me
was horrifying.
But I pushed it down
and moved on.
Some form of justice
was served, that I heard
But I...
I was already gone.

And so for ten years
I've carried you here,
in my mind,
trying to hide you.
You ruined my heart,
destroyed all my trust.
I built a wall
that no one could part.

Yet here you are
with all of my scars,
with all of my fears,
and my nightmares.
But this time, you see,
I'm not the lonely.
Now there is someone who cares.

Yes, you moved on.
To you it was done.
No worries, no cares,
no regrets.
But you didn't win,
never again.
Now, I am the one with the power.

Although you're still there,
you'll vanish, I swear.
I'll release you,
you'll leave me completely.

Because you may not know,
being someone so low,
the power of love that's
within me.
I will love myself.
I'm of infinite worth.
The love I've been given
I deserve.

You stole my self worth,
it was gone from the earth.
I hated and blamed myself daily.
But no more.
It's through.
I'm relinquishing you.

Your power no longer contains me.

helpful link:
http://rapecrisis.org.za/rape-trauma-syndrome/

Photographic Day

2016-10-15T23:45:00.003-05:00

Klo's day starts with breakfast and messy fingernails (naturally). She is a roamer while she eats. We cannot get this girl to sit for much longer than about 3 minutes. And that's quite the accomplishment.

Then we move on from breakfast to "helping" Daddy edit his videos. What really happens is that Daddy unplugs the mouse and keyboard so that Kloey doesn't actually touch anything but she still feels like she's getting a lot done.

Then we get out of our pj's and get all ready for school. Kloey LOVES school and she absolutely loves riding the bus. I was lucky that on the same day I decided to do this photographic project Kloey had a field trip to the pumpkin patch that I got to volunteer for last minute. Oh, she also lost her front tooth about 5 minutes before we got on the bus.

Our first activity was a "treasure hunt" in the corn. Kloey was not interested in looking for treasure. The giant box of corn to play in was quite enough for her, thank you very much.

She did not, however, take to picking just one pumpkin. In fact, there were so many to choose from that she eventually just gave up and made a break for the end of the pumpkin patch. Mom quickly had to choose one for her and then go catch her.

Luckily, we found the perfect one.

This is the whole preschool class that Kloey spends 3 days a week with. There is one little girl in particular that feels the need to love and protect Kloey. I am very grateful for her and the parents that have taught her so well.

Then we were off to the corn maze! Kloey tripped about 4 times but Mom had a hold of her each time and she didn't fall (thankfully). It was a little tricky for her but she never complained and stuck with it. This girl doesn't give up.

Miss Klo fell behind several times but that never stopped her!!! She kept trotting along!!!

The class decided to do the maze one more time but Mom knew Kloey was pretty over that tripping business, so we went to the slide instead. Good decision.

Then it was back to the bus. Kloey made Mom sing songs with all the way home. It's okay. She's the best at songs and she always claps for you at the end.

Kloey showed Mom where her cubby was and promptly hung her jacket up all by herself. It may have taken a couple of tries, but she did it!!!

Once we were back at home Kloey was more than happy to reenact her favorite movie scenes for us. This is a daily thing. Our home is one of the best theaters that I've ever been to. She's pretty stinkin' good too!!!

Then, as usual, Kloey is ready for a snack and her perch. Normally, when our basement isn't torn apart for repairs, her perch is on the couch downstairs. However, it is now the coffee table where she can have a prime view of the laptop that is propped on the fireplace mantle as a "television". She LOVES TV.

She watches several different things. She's really not picky. But the few that she can really recite are Frozen, Zootopia, Home, and Inside Out. She has her favorites.

Life with Kloey is beautiful, crazy, hard, fun, silly, and tiring. But, come on, look at that face. ... I could be biased.

I love this blurry shot. It shows these two doing what they do best, something they're not supposed to. Nutella sandwiches all over Mom's couch. Uuuggghhhhh. And not a care in the world.

Some days are really hard, guys. And some days are like the one above: pumpkin patches, smiles, nutella, and sibling companionship. We love our Kloey and love it when the hard work that she puts into everything she does finally starts to pay off. I hope you enjoyed a day in the life of Kloey. (at least half a day)

new stuff coming

2016-10-15T01:26:00.000-05:00

I'm currently working on a photographic project for tomorrow's blog. I was hoping that it would be ready for today's blog but it's not. So, we're going to go back to a moment that I love and hold so dear. I was ashamed of it at first, that this particular milestone took so long to get to, but I can't do that to myself. Because every individual is different. Every experience is unique. Mine is no exception.
Here goes.

Kloey is 16 months old. For anyone that gets annoyed when mothers use the months and not just plain ol' years to tell their child's age... it makes a BIG difference at this time in their lives. What they do month to month is sooo incredibly different. So yes, I use months.
This month for the first time since we've locked eyes, I feel like I have finally met my daughter. Does that confuse you? It probably should. Since she's been born Kloey has been tender, sweet, full of love, just genuinely angelic. Honestly, that is pure truth. No gushing mama business there. It's fact. This time with her has been superb and pretty "chill". But she wasn't showing us any personality. Developmentally she hadn't reached that point yet, the point of discovering yourself. It's pretty basic to most... but it has taken her quite some time.

It started a few weeks ago with her discovery of the twin in the mirror. First: the "why hello there" look. Second: "You again...". Third: "What is this sorcery?". Fourth: "I gotta see this again". Fifth: "TO THE MIRROR!!!". She literally dives for it when she is in my arms. Oh, the giggles and chubby hand prints all over my bathroom mirror. But I love it! In all honesty it is MARVELOUS!!!

Next came the discovery of fighting sleep. She has NEVER done this. Oh goodness. I didn't know what was going on. Normally I just lay her down, give her a kiss, shut the door, and she's out for the night. A couple of weeks ago she decided she didn't wanna. So she let me know that she didn't wanna. That child SCREAMED! Granted, it was probably a whimper compared to most children's screams, but it was a Klo scream. Scared me to death I tell you! Sheesh! Now I know her game... but she isn't understanding the "cry it out" concept. It's warm milk and snuggles for that one.

And the fake crying. Oh, the fake cries. Anyone that has been around children in their life knows what I am referring to. But man oh man is it cute!!! The child has "cute" down to an art. Gets that from her father, I could never "cute" my way out of anything... probably not even to save my life. Jordan on the other hand... [insert eye roll]... yeah. The look of triumph and glee on her face when she wins you over with that fake cry == PRICELESS!!!

Then, she started to play games. Not a big deal to some. HUGE for us. I have been trying to get her to understand games... any games... for AGES. And now she does. Last night (fighting sleep night) she took her bib, pulled it over her head, and quickly pulled it down and giggled. I thought, "oh, it looks like she's playing peek a boo... what a coincidence.." and then she did it again, and again, and again. YAY!!! She WAS playing peek a boo. She got quite a kick out of that one. Her favorite game is one that she made up. I call it the "dive and snuggle". Basically she is sitting on my lap, facing me.. when she dives head first into my chest and snuggles into my neck, and then proceeds to burst into laughter. Cutest thing EVER!!! I don't understand the amusement she finds in it... but she definitely amuses me. I got that game on video... I will have to post it sometime.

All of this is so exciting to me for many reasons. Perhaps my favorite reason is that I can now see the child and not the Down Syndrome. How bad does that sound? Anyone that follows my posts knows that I adore this child. But this has been a struggle for me. To look at my child and want to see her for HER... not for her diagnosis. I have been so frustrated with myself... praying and praying that I would just focus on the sweet little girl... not the extra chromosome. Everyday it seemed that it was just a fresh sting. It was so hard for me to understand. If I love her, why can't I just let this go?

And then, it just happened. Three days ago to be exact. She started showing this bright, and colorful personality and I was so focused on that, on her, that I didn't think about Down Syndrome all day. As I was laying in bed I realized that I saw Klo for Klo. For who she is. For everything that I adore about her. I saw her through eyes that couldn't see a diagnosis. I saw her through eyes that were seeing her for the very first time. That day I grew even closer to my baby. And I have to believe that she did to me as well. Because there was no more wall. There was no more sting. There was just pure love. In that moment of realization my heart was so full of gratitude and relief that I nearly cried (but I was really tired). And for three whole days I have seen the baby. I have seen the giggles. I have seen the personality. I have seen the love. I have met my little girl.

Nice to meet you little one.

She is us

2016-10-13T22:05:00.003-05:00

Kloey just walked up the stairs to go to bed and wouldn't give me a kiss. Haha! I guess she was really tired. She did say bye-bye and blow me a kiss. I'll take it.

Tonight I really want to talk about how normal it is to have Kloey in our family. Since she came along more than 5 years ago she has been our normal. Our normal daughter. Our normal sister. Our normal friend. Kloey is Kloey; the only Kloey that we've ever known. We know her no differently than this.

She plays games with us. She watches movies with us. Kourtney loves to dance with her and play barbies or house with her. Joseph is her best frenemy. Those two can really cause some havoc 'round these parts. Either they're helping each other get to things they're not supposed to have or they're trying to reenact the movie "Sparta". There isn't really an in-between.

And sure, I struggle; Jordan struggles. But when asked if we would change Kloey neither one of us hesitates when we answer a firm "no". Because what would we change? Who else do we want her to be? Why would we take any of her spirit, personality, or light away from her? Take her extra chromosome and Kloey simply ceases to be Kloey. She would be someone completely different and none of us want that.

It wasn't that long ago that I was one of those people that feared any sort of "abnormality" coming into my life (a little more than five years). It is a scary notion. But I want everyone to see that we're not spending our days mourning over this extra chromosome in our lives (yes, all of our lives). We celebrate her. We celebrate her hard work and dedication, her love and devotion, and the sweet sweet spirit that she carries with her wherever she goes.

Milestones are super fun in our home now. ANY milestone. Literally, all of them. The above picture is one that I quickly snapped at the dinner table tonight. Kloey was drinking from a cup with no lid and did not spill once! Not one time!!! A milestone. A big one for us because we've been working on this for a few years now. She spoke to me today. Not just one word but a sentence. She said, "I want the pizza". Not so clearly but clearly enough. So, what could I do besides give her the pizza???? She definitely obtained pizza. Also today, she called me Mama. Only once. See, normally she calls us both daddy. But when I got in the car after school today, she pointed to me and said, "MAMA"!!! I was stupid excited and crazy proud. There were lots of milestones today :)

Kloey fits right in with us. She looks like us. She laughs like us. She loves to sing like us. She loves to dance like us. She loves just about everything that we do. And she's stubborn like us. In fact, she is probably the most stubborn out of all of us when she really wants to be. The girl has a big personality and an even bigger heart. We all love and adore her so much and could never imagine our family without our Klo.

At least one of them

2016-10-10T22:42:00.002-05:00

Today has been a day straight out of Mommy hell... straight out of a mommy horror movie... straight up causing me to go INSANE!!! Part of this is due to school. Part of this is due to overwhelming amounts of neglected housework because of school. And still part of this is from tantrum-ing children. Oh. My. GOSH. THE TANTRUMS!!!!!

But really, folks. Why with the tantrums?

Joseph throws some that would rival even Kourtney's at that age. For those of you who remember that at her age, just picture the hell now.

Anyway. I digress.

Kloey. My sweet Kloey. Has only ever thrown miniscule "tantrums". No, they cannot even be considered tantrums because they are too short and too quiet. For this great blessing I praise the heavens above! Really though.

And that's the thing with my Kloey. While she does have more struggles and more difficulties and while those things are hard on all of us, she just doesn't act like my Kourtney and Joseph when she's upset. She really gets over it rather quickly. She cries and sniffles for a second. Wipes her nose with either her arm or my shirt (you should see me by the end of the day, folks). She forgives. She hugs. And she moves on with life.

Pure. Bliss.

I was really hoping that Joseph would get the memo. PAH! That didn't go the way I wanted it to.

My point here is that yes, life with Kloey is difficult. I have a really hard time sometimes. She has a hard time sometimes. Sometimes she is pretty aware that we're not understanding what she's trying to communicate with us and that's frustrating for her. But where there is hardship with Kloey it is made up in blessed ways that you may not even notice at first.

Like the hugs and kisses whenever you want them.
The snuggles early in the morning (waaaayyyy too early in the morning).
The no tantrums.
The endless smiles and giggles.
The forgiveness.
The tenderness.
The LOVE.

At the end of this day I held my Kloey reallllllyyyyy tight. Because she healed my soul. In that 30 second hug I realized that I was loved, that everything was going to be fine, and that it's okay to be me. 30 seconds for half of my puzzle pieces to come neatly back into place.

And that's my Kloey. A soul healer.

2016-10-10T01:23:00.002-05:00

Chocolate Ninja,

Hey guys, it's Jordan, and Kloey's biggest fan! Oh man that girl. I tell you, she teaches ninjas how to ninja! Don't leave the doors open, not even a crack. She will know it, and before you can turn around, she'll be half way down the road! Unbuckle her seatbelt, and if you stop to unbuckle Joey she'll be in the drivers seat ready to go. Either that, or making a break for... you know, I don't know where she's been wanting to run.

Chocolate. If you could vaporize chocolate, Kloey would breath it. She can stiff out a chocolate chip from the other end of the house. She climbs on the counter when no ones looking and Gollums a brownie pan quicker than I could have! Don't even try to open a pastry packet with this kid in the house, she knows that sound! In the middle of the night, you will start to to hear that, bump, bump, bump, of her descending the stairs because she will literally wake up from a dead sleep when we are cooking cookies or brownies.

Watch your phone, especially if it's a low battery. If that's within her reach, it won't be in yours. Typically she'll turn out the lights and shut herself in the closet or in the bathroom. Sometimes in the pantry or under the table. You won't even notice it's gone until you hear little dings and chimes coming from under the bed. You better find it before it's dead or you'll never see it again! Today she had a full on conversation via emojis with Stephanies friend, until Kloey got a little too fancy with the emojis.

A few days ago Joseph woke up from his nap a bit early so I had to go tuck him back in. I put the phone down on the counter in the bathroom while Klo was in the tub, and by the time I got back she was already swiping through google maps with the phone completely submerged. She had gotten out, snagged it and jumped back in the back in less than 30 seconds. This was all right when I was supposed to be picking Steph up from school. So I had to connect the vacuum up to the phone and suck it dry. Not the first time and won't be the last. Now I own a new phone that's waterproof up to 5 feet for thirty minutes :)

Well guys, now we know who trained Batman and Splinter. Enjoy your candy bars while you still can, I have a feeling she's been using google maps so that the day she escapes she can raid your homes!

-Jordan

It's been one week

2016-10-09T00:15:00.001-05:00

I had a moment with Kloey yesterday, a moment that was too spontaneous to catch on camera and for that reason I don't think I'll be including pictures tonight. Because sometimes life is too genuine for photographs.

This moment yesterday was one that filled my heart. It was one of those realization moments, an "aha" moment. It was almost as if, for a brief time, I got a glimpse of Kloey as the incredible spirit that she is but without the worldly ideas of "normal". I truly believe that for a brief second I was being granted the opportunity to see her through God's eyes, to see His love for her. I don't think that any words can do this justice.

What's funny is that nothing very big happened at all. It was just a normal day at home and we were just doing normal things. Admittedly, I don't even remember exactly what we were doing that led up to this snapshot of time that I hope will be permanently carved into my memory. But I'll do my best to tell you what I do remember.

I was in the kitchen (seems like that's where I always am!) when Kloey came in and needed my attention. Naturally, she was not the only one in there pleading for my attention. There was a lot of chaos (I believe it was around lunchtime) and I remember being pulled in every different direction, even Jordan needed me at that moment. Normally, I'd turn to Jordan first to make sure that we're on the same page with the kids but for some reason I decided to look at Kloey first. Not anyone else. Just Kloey.

And I'm so happy that I did. When I looked down into her face I noticed that she was singing something. I couldn't quite make it out but she was so excited about this song that I just had to listen more closely to determine exactly what it was. Kneeling down and looking into her eyes to really see and hear her isn't something I normally do but I did it this time. That's when I realized that she was trying to get me to sing one of the songs that I made up for her and about her. She remembered them. And she found a way to tell me that she wanted me to have some fun with her.

And so I did. I stood up and we loudly sang her special songs (there are 2) at the top of our lungs, complete with crazy facial expressions and hand movements. It was so much fun. But my moment came right after we were done...when everyone was trying to swarm me now that I had stopped singing. I didn't let them. Kloey and I looked at each other and smiled and then laughed. This laugh of hers was different. Our connection for that one second was different. My heart was all hers. Her heart was all mine. But it was even more than that! Her eyes were pure love and happiness. Her smile was hope and peace. Her arms wrapping around my neck were security and safety. Her soul overcame her body and its seeming "limitations". I saw her. I saw her soul. And my heart overflowed with happiness and gratitude. I needed to feel that connection with her and it came at the perfect time.

You know, there are times when I feel that progress with Kloey is so painstakingly slow and I become discouraged. There are times when I think about the conversations that I want/need to be having with her and I get sad because we can't do that. And there are times when I wonder if she really cares that I'm even around because she seems so chill with whatever. But right then she was mine. Right then she needed me and she showed me that. Right then she showed me EXACTLY what I'd been needing from her for a long time: she knows me, she needs me, she adores me, and she loves me.

Tonight, as I'm typing this, I am so grateful that I took the time to ignore the chaos that was going on around me and focus on my daughter. I'm so grateful that she let me in to see her beautiful soul. And I am so incredibly grateful to have her in my life.

Someday she'll be able to verbally express herself. Someday she'll tell me that she needs me, that she loves me. Someday she'll call me "mommy" instead of "daddy". Someday we'll have that conversation that I want to have. But for now, I will keep clinging to these moments that are so rare but so wonderful. Those moments that say, "I am here. Don't get discouraged. Don't give up. Keep going, Mom. I'm worth it."

..... And I know she is.

I'm so late tonight....

2016-10-08T01:40:00.000-05:00

(From when my Kloey was just 3 months old)

I was reading in this book that my mother sent to me called, Gifts:Mothers Reflect on How Children With Down Syndrome Enrich Their Lives. It is a compilation of stories from women all over the place that have at least one child with down syndrome and how they feel about it and cope with it. One of the mothers shared a story about a couple who had their first baby. The doctor came in and informed them that the baby had Down Syndrome and esophageal problems. He was going to require surgery that had a mortality rate of 50%. He then said that children "like this" never amount to anything and become mere blobs so the surgery really would be for no reason. Basically it wasn't worth trying to save this child. AND THE PARENTS LISTENED TO HIM!!! They decided to not only not do the surgery but to withhold all nourishment. STARVE THEIR CHILD! The case went to trial and all the way up to the supreme court. Rather than say that the child had a right to go to a family that wanted to adopt it they ruled in favor of the parents' decision. The newborn baby boy was never given a name, never held tenderly by anyone that would love him, and never fed. He was put into isolation and starved. He died 7 days after birth. Because he was different he was killed. Are there really people out there that are so afraid of something/someone different that they would rather them die?!!

I know that this story is very sad and I do try to stay away from that on my blog but some things I feel just need to be shared. Of the women that get a positive prenatal test for down syndrome almost 90% of those women will choose to terminate their pregnancy. I found this extremely shocking.

My child is a joy. She reminds me a lot of my first daughter. Kourtney absolutely adores her little sister. She looks darling in her little clothes and we all enjoy dressing her up and putting flowers in her "hair". She calms at my touch and the sound of my voice. She eats like a little piggy sometimes. She has helped us to realize that different is good.. and pretty much the same. Different is not something to fear. Different is something to learn from. Take what is "different" and choose to grow from it. Choose to be the DIFFERENCE in a world that is so afraid of "different".

Sometimes she's my favorite

2016-10-06T22:57:00.000-05:00

Our Kloey fills our home with sunshine. That is not an exaggeration. Since the day that we brought her home we knew that she was different than most children in the most wonderful sense. As a baby she was so quiet, calm, and peaceful. She hardly ever cried and when she did it was so sweet and so quiet that it was more pleasant to hear, really. And even though I did struggle a lot in the first year of her life, my all time FAVORITE thing to do was hold her, kiss her, and snuggle her.

And I STILL feel that way!!! I'm not gonna lie, I love coming home to this child everyday. After a long day at school I know that when I open my door Kloey will be there to run towards me with a giant smile and arms wide open. I know that when I play the ukulele and sing she will (most of the time) join in and applaud very enthusiastically at the end. If I want to have a random dance party in the kitchen during meal prep, Kloey is my girl. And when I am sad or crying she is the first person to come up to me, rub my back, and tell me it's okay.

Kloey is unconditional love. Even when I have to discipline her (shocking, but she does indeed need it at times) she is always right back to being my best friend. It's true, she has her own fits and moments of beating up little brother. But they aren't many and most of the time they really don't last long at all. She is not perfect. We have plenty of struggles. But personality wise, this girl's got it down!!!!

She fills my heart with joy and love every single day. She reaches out to anyone she sees that is in need. She smiles a majority of the time. She is one of my best friends.

Because I always need encouragement

2016-10-05T20:31:00.001-05:00

Here we continue with the fabulous month dedicated to such a special population of people... the community of Down Syndrome. OH, how I just loooove to be included in this fantastic group of people. To anyone that may be reading this because you are expecting a child with Down Syndrome and you just don't know what to do... I say this.

1. Your child is your child. The bond that you have felt with them so far does not change just because an extra chromosome has been thrown into the mix.
2. I know what it feels like to be so afraid of the unknown. I was just there. There are so many questions surrounding this new bundle of joy and so much apprehension.
3. The fear of the unknown is by far easier to deal with than the idea of losing the soul that you have created... the person that is FOREVER a part of who you are.
4. There is absolutely nothing that can prepare you for the pure joy and love that will fill your heart to an overwhelming extent each and every time you look at your new angel.
5. That pure love and joy will be radiating 10 times more from their eyes when they look at you (if that's even possible since your love is so overwhelmingly full).
6. You will learn. You will learn about patience. You will learn about unconditional love. You will learn about sacrifice. You will learn about acceptance. You will learn about life.
7. People will stare. People will question. People may be cruel. But then, those people do not matter and they do not belong in your life.
8. More so you will find that people will be kind and fall madly in love with your child.
9. You will cry sometimes. You will cry because you are sad. You will cry because you've got a long road ahead of you. You will cry because you are so very thankful to have been blessed with your sweet angel. You will cry because you are so proud of their accomplishments. You will cry because you could never imagine a life without them in it.
10. Strength. You will gain strength. More than you ever knew was possible. You CAN do this. It is so wonderful.

Klo Bow and proud big sister Kourtney.

My Klo Bow sitting up all by herself. So proud of her. First time sitting up: 13 months old.

It was all so slow.....

2016-10-04T22:25:00.001-05:00

Most definitely, the thing that surprised me the most was how slow the progress was with Kloey. We had to teach her how to do EVERYTHING. Every. Little. Thing. That was so hard for us to get used to. The very first thing that we worked on was getting her to hold her head up. She did that at 4 or 5 months, I believe. That was our first celebrated milestone.

We then started working on her next big milestone: holding her bottle by herself. This one took her forever! She finally got that at around 9 or 10 months. At the same time we were working on sitting up. She finally mastered that one at a little over a year.

Crawling came much later. She crawled when she was almost 2 years old. However, she did start playing games a little bit sooner than that. I tell you, it was so nice when she started to discover her own personality. She made up a little "dive and snuggle" game when she was about 18 months old and she STILL plays it with us to this day!!! She still makes the same face when she cries as she did when she was a newborn too.

Klo finally walked when she was 3 1/2 years old, consistently anyway. She technically took her first steps when she was just about 3. She just mastered climbing the stairs a couple of weeks ago, at age 5. She is now working on walking backwards, jumping, writing her name, recognizing letters, and pretty much everything to do with talking. She doesn't talk very well. But those of us that live with her get most of what she's saying.

For those of you that have followed my blog for the last few years, you probably realize that these first few posts may not be as fun, feeling, or witty as my posts normally are. Hang in there, we'll get to those. We've got an entire month, after all. But I do have a reason for these posts. I am hoping that this timeline, this history, might help someone. I know that if I had been able to read this when Kloey was a baby/toddler it would have helped me immensely. So, I hope that someone out there will find this comforting and helpful.

Our Bond

2016-10-03T22:02:00.001-05:00

When I was pregnant with Kloey I had a very hard time feeling any deep connection to her. I didn't know her; I didn't know for sure that she had down syndrome. For some reason I struggled with this and I never did with Kourtney so it was a very new experience for me.

But I will never forget the love and overwhelming sense of protection that I got when I found out for sure that she had down syndrome. Isn't that funny? The thing that I was so incredibly afraid of throughout my whole pregnancy had just come to fruition and I reacted in the exact opposite way that I thought I would. Kloey was mine. Period. And that meant that it was now my time to hit the ground running and give her the best life I could.

Luckily, we all felt that way. Initially, I was nervous about how Kourtney would react to Kloey when we brought her home. But she didn't even notice (of course she didn't, she was 3) and she was just super excited to have her baby home. Since day one Kourtney has been phenomenal with Kloey. Sibling rivalry wasn't even a thing in our home until Joseph came along and took Kloey's "baby" status from her. And to this day Kourtney works hard with her little sister and explains to strangers or friends that her sister has down syndrome... and you better not have a problem with that.

Jordan went through a bit of depression after Kloey was born. It wasn't anything huge and I know that he is okay with me sharing that because I'm pretty open about my own struggles. Despite that small amount of time he came to be our rock. I've never seen a man love his children so much and it is absolutely NO different with our Kloey. He is the light of her life. In fact, she calls us both "Daddy". She won't bother to say mommy but she's got daddy down just fine!!!

Joseph is her best friend now... but we'll get to that a little further in our history since he came 3 years after she did. :)

But what are the first steps....

2016-10-03T00:48:00.001-05:00

Bringing Kloey home was a challenge. I was incredibly overwhelmed by her diagnosis and I was incredibly intimidated by the oxygen tank and sat monitor. I remember those first couple of months of incredible anxiety and constantly waking up to make sure she was still breathing. We were very tired to say the least.

I think we were caught in a whirlwind of uncertainty and endless information and advice. Two weeks after she was born the therapists were contacting us, wanting to start right away. I thought, "therapy? That's crazy. She's only two weeks old, what could they possibly work on?" It began with evaluations, tests, and scores for my newborn. I didn't think much of it. Do you know why? Because that time was a little bit numb for me.

But there was another side to my emotions and it's much happier. I absolutely adored my daughter. Was I crushed? Yes. Was I overwhelmed? Absolutely. Was I scared? I was terrified. But she was literally the BEST baby in the world. Kloey just emanated love and a sense of calm. If I was holding her I could feel so much love around me and I knew that somehow, eventually everything was going to be okay, that it would all be right in the end. I knew that I wasn't afraid of her. And I knew that I was completely in love with her.

Do you know she was my only baby that took to nursing like she'd been doing it forever? Seriously. We had an amazing breastfeeding experience, she and I. She slept through the night from six weeks on. Now, my other two were frustrating nursers; we had a difficult time. They also did not EVER sleep through the night in their first year of life. It took our oldest four years to start consistently sleeping through the night. Geesh!

I loved being around my little baby Kloey. I loved holding her, sleeping with her in my arms, nursing her, watching her sleep, just everything. Because when I looked at Kloey I was really looking at perfection.

Down Syndrome Awareness

2016-10-01T13:01:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged for a while and I'm admittedly quite out of practice. Maybe my words don't mean as much to you as they do to me, maybe they mean more. Maybe you'll read my blog and maybe you won't. I don't know. But I do know that I have something to say and I have a way to say it.

Down Syndrome is an inevitable and permanent part of my life. It has been for 5 years now. More accurately put: my daughter is an inevitable and permanent part of my life and she has been for 5 years now. If you will, look at the picture above and think about what you see there. I don't know what you see. But I can tell you what is there. That is me holding my baby for the first time since she had been put in the NICU the previous day. I had only held her once before that right after she was born. This picture is one of an emotionally distressed and incredibly exhausted (28 hours of labor, folks) mother of a newborn baby girl... a newborn baby girl with down syndrome. In this picture I am plagued with horribly conflicting emotions. My love for Kloey has known no bounds since the moment she was born. But my fear and anguish at the thought of what my life and her life now meant was overwhelming. I was terrified. But she needed me. So, my life with the inclusion of down syndrome began.

Family and friends rallied around us with love, congratulations, and support but they failed to realize one thing. I was drowning inside. My new reality was sinking me and I feel no shame in admitting that now but back then was a different story. She was my baby and I was supposed to be so happy and feel so blessed for such a special spirit as her, that's what I kept hearing. While I did feel that, I also felt suffocated, like I couldn't catch my breath. Life was running full speed ahead and I was still one mile behind trying to get the stitch out of my ribs.

It honestly felt as if I'd never be able to look at my beautiful child without seeing her extra chromosome and feeling immensely sad and guilty at the same time.....

Homage to my Mother (because she deserves it, dang it!)

2016-05-09T00:02:00.000-05:00

So, our story begins, almost exactly 28 years ago to the day, when I burst onto the scene (almost quite literally) and graced the world with my presence. While I'm sure my mother's womb was quite comfortable, I've never really been known for my patience. Some things don't change. My dear mother wasn't expecting me for another 6 weeks but, you know, there I was just the same!

My mother has been the one constant in my life, the one person that I have always known will forever be there for me. My mother's story could be described as: passionate, tumultuous, heartbreaking, emotional, loving, kind, sacrificial, and oh so deep. There are things that I have been told, things that I have seen, and things that I remember from my childhood that have helped me, in my adult years, to connect with my mother on a new level: a deeper level. I don't know if she even realizes that. My mother was never afraid to show us how very human she was/is. I cannot count how many times in a day she would tell me that she loves me; no child can hear that enough.

How many times did I crawl into bed with my mother during a midnight thunderstorm? Ironically enough, I now love thunderstorms because they bring a piece of my mother to me even though we are separated by so many miles. I remember scaring her half to death on several occasions while trying to wake her up in the middle of the night. She has endured endless teasing for those moments!!! And yes, I have now experienced the sheer terror of a tiny, delicate, creepy little hand grazing your arm in the middle of the night making you believe that all of your worst nightmares have been imagined and the monster under the bed has finally come to collect his dues.

How many times have I seen this woman's heart break, shattered into 3 trillion pieces and watched as she, piece by piece and bit by bit, put it back together and emerged stronger than ever. Unfortunately, I know that I have been the source of that heart breaking for various reasons, at various times. For that, I am sorry. But, you know, she's got this resilience that I just cannot even fathom. She knows that life goes on, you cry for a bit, you learn from whatever it was, you put on your big girl panties, and you move on. She's a rock.

How many times have I compared my own mothering to that of my mother's??? Do you know that woman worked a full time job, ran children around to countless extracurricular activities, did pretty much all of the laundry in the house, cleaned constantly, and still had a hot meal on the table almost every single night??? Yeah.... I don't do that. Bless her. I didn't recognize everything that she was doing back then. My bad.

As I grew older I had to separate from my mother. No easy task. Our relationship has had bumpy times in my adulthood. Trying to adjust to life as an adult and not relying on your parents for everything is so much harder than anyone ever prepared me for. I love my mother. I miss her everyday. My heart literally aches for her on a regular basis. I call her whenever I can. But I so wish that I could spend every holiday with her, that she could watch my children grow with me, that she could see me, in my role as a mother, on a more regular basis.

Here's some randomness to end our post:

My mother never missed a single choir concert, dance recital, or any other performance. Ever.
Birthdays were a big deal to her. Some of my fondest memories are of her pulling me out of school during lunch on my birthday to take me to the restaurant of my choice.
Sometimes my mom would skip her lunch hour to attend school functions, doctor appointments, or other important things. She was a full time working mother. But she never missed anything.
My mother, sister, and I all cackle like old hens when we're together. Never fails.
My children know that their nana loves them beyond anything they could ever imagine. We video chat with her and sometimes I don't get any screen time. They take it all up. Two of my children can't really speak, but Nana doesn't care, she just lets them rattle on and on and on and on and on..... and they do.
She has taught me to embrace my feelings and my emotions. This is so vital and so important. I love deeply and care deeply because my mother did. That is what I watched her do.
When I was pregnant with my first child, at the age of 19, I climbed into bed with my mother during a thunderstorm. No joke. And she just put her hand on my belly and told me she loved me and dozed back to sleep.
My mother is not perfect but she is perfectly mine. And she is perfect for me. And I love her more than I could ever say.

So, thank you to my mother. The woman who gave me life, taught me to feed myself, dress myself, wipe myself, work hard, love myself, and how to be a mother.

She deserves this shout out (she picked the title, even)! We laughed and laughed as she talked about how not one of her children had, as of yet, given her a public shout out this year. Silly me, I was doing things on a personal level. But who DOESN'T want a public shout out? To be told that they're amazing.... I do!!!!

P.S. to my brothers: you crazy, technology-obsessed, funny boys.... You didn't call me on my birthday (2 days ago) and ya didn't call mom on her day/ get her a card (for the one who lives there). We get it... you texted/facebooked.... Mom called you little shits ;) And we laughed and laughed at your boy-ness!!!!

Love you all!!!!

My secrets are my life

2016-04-02T22:34:00.002-05:00

As I sit here in an empty house: a quiet house: a clean house, I find that I have ample opportunity to think, to reflect on who I am, who I want to be, what I do well and what I could change. Sitting here in my solitude I discover things about myself that I've kept hidden, some things that I've been open about, some things that hurt me, some things that I'm proud of. And I realize this one vital part of who I am..... I am HUMAN. I am who I am. I am beautifully emotional, even complicatedly so. I am messy and organized. I am a daughter and I am a mother. I am a friend and an enemy. I am kind and I am not. I am flawed: perfectly flawed. I am loved and I am not.

I have spent the majority of my life apologizing for who I am, trying to change the things about myself that make me unique. Being emotional and intuitive has never won me a plethora of friends and relationships. BUT it has won me lifelong friendships, loving relationships with family, and a marriage to my best friend. It has made finding my place in a new family incredibly difficult. BUT it has dealt to me a sixth sense, a way to decipher who is for my good and who is not. I can't remember a time when I didn't have that gift. That's not to say that I've always used it, but it's always been there.

People either hate me or they love me. With almost complete certainty, I can say that this is completely true. Some people really don't like me. I've endured bullying and unfair criticism in my life. And that's okay. Because for every person that hates me there are 5 more that love me. You can't win over everybody in your life, everybody that you come into contact with. You're not meant to. I'm okay with that. I've learned wonderfully valuable lessons from those that have expressed dislike for me. Namely, how not to treat others. But the greatest lessons that I've learned are from those that love me. Unashamedly, I will admit that I am not always easy to love. Yet those that love me are still here. Because of this I have learned that you don't give up on those that love you and that you love.

Every single day is a struggle for me. On any given day that you see me I may be ruled by the amount of physical pain that I am in. I was 10 years old when I started hurting, 14 when my neck problems were discovered, 15 when I had my first cervical fusion, 21 when I had my second, 27 when I had my third (just 2 months ago). Some days a smile is harder to give than almost anything else in the world. But I try to do it anyway. Some nights when I go to bed I wonder how long I'll have to deal with agony of being trapped in a body that, at times, feels downright torturous. It's been 17 years since it started; it's been 5 since it got to this current level. I hope everyday that this last surgery will provide relief. There have been days since January 29 (my last surgery) where my pain has been as low as a 3 on that annoying scale that they give you. Before the surgery I didn't think that was possible, or ever would be possible again.

My daughter has special needs, that is, she has down syndrome. I never knew how much that would define my life until recently. It is my night and day; it is what drives our lives; it is who we are as a family. And I need to shed some honesty on this life here. I'm struggling. Don't get me wrong, I love her DEARLY. But guys, I'm tired. I watch as our 18 month old catches onto things that Kloey still doesn't understand. My heart skips a beat when he calls me Mama and she still doesn't. It is bittersweet when he learns something that she has been working on practically since she was born. I cry. I feel alone. I wonder if anyone else feels the way that I do. I've never known a time alone with my husband and when I look forward into our future I realize that I never will. We will always have Klo. I know that and I accept that. But is it selfish to say that sometimes the idea of that just exhausts me? Am I allowed to say that? The endless therapies are draining. And while I know that she is growing, that she is learning, it just seems so slow, so tiring. And it breaks my heart. I watch her day in and day out struggling more than any other child just to learn something as simple as holding a spoon, or walking backwards, or climbing stairs. She will be 5 years old this summer. She is repeating pre-school. And that is fine because that is what she needs. But, my goodness, those IEP meetings are so overwhelming! They hand me this piece of paper that says something about scores and averages and all I see is that Kloey is 40-60 points below the average child. As they keep talking and talking and talking I just keep thinking, "STOP! STOP! STOP! She works so hard!!! WE work so hard!!! How is she so behind? Why is she so behind? Slow down and tell me what she does WELL!!! Tell me what she does right! Stop telling me that she is behind. Don't you think that I know that?!! Don't you think that I see that every single day of her life?

And while I focus so much on all of that I realize that my other children keep growing, keep learning, and that someday they will be gone. And I find myself wondering: do they know that I love them? that I would do all of this for them if they needed it? can they ever understand that sometimes my exhaustion comes out as impatience? will they ever see what this might have been like for me? do they know that I want to freeze time? to stop everything just for one moment. Just to look at them, smell them, run my fingers through their hair, and hold them as tightly as I can without suffocating them. Can they ever know how big of a piece of my heart each of them has?

For everything that I have learned in my life, everything that I have accepted, I still cannot accept that I might be a good mother. I make too many mistakes. I feel overwhelmed so much of the time. I am so flawed. But every day I vow to do better. Tomorrow is a new day. Today turns into yesterday. Yesterday turns into a lesson. And before you know it, your life is full of lessons and full of yesterdays and today is just a new addition to your reality.

She is with me

2015-10-05T23:59:00.000-05:00

Today has been a day from suckville. For real. Despite the busy day, the emotional tolls, the physical pains and aches, I am more than happy to update the blog for day 5 of Down syndrome awareness month.

Kloey is a part of our family, a very big and important part of our family. Naturally, we take her with us on outings, errands, and vacations. This does require more time and energy on our parts but the joy that we get from having our entire family together is priceless.

We do not, could not, and would not exclude her from anything, from being a part of this family just because she requires a bit more work. Yes, people sometimes look at us differently but who cares? I don't. My sweet girl is just being herself and we're all there to experience our day together.

Some have suggested that it is admirable of us to include her in this way. We never even thought of it that way. I guess one day we just put on our big kid panties, rolled up our sleeves and said, "Well, time to take the family on a vacation". There wasn't even a thought of "where should Kloey be when we all go to the beach. Or, "how can we escape the extra work and energy that is Kloey?" It was more like, "what extra resources do we pull to make this more bearable?" or "what can we do to make this fun for the WHOLE family?"

I love having Kloey with us. Just as I love having Kourtney and Joseph with us. Kourtney loves having Kloey with us. Joseph adores his big sister Kloey. Kloey is Kloey. Kloey is us.

So, the next time you see me with my little girl, tackling a day at the beach, running down the sand with her for the one millionth time, while she is giggling like a crazy person tasting sweet freedom for the first time, just know one thing.... I'm not even thinking of her diagnosis. Her siblings and father aren't thinking of her diagnosis. And she is DEFINITELY not thinking of her diagnosis. All she's thinking about is running through the sand, making friends, and probably when would be the best time to snag the cookies that are waiting in the cooler.

A post from my first year of DS awareness

2015-10-05T00:28:00.001-05:00

The Final day of Down Syndrome Awareness Month...

To Kloey Alice:

I knew that you were there
yet, it did not feel quite real.
You grew and grew each day
but I did not know your soul.
Movements came all day and night
the connection was not there.
A thought of something extra
filled my heart with fear.

Each day I struggled endlessly
to know the girl inside.
I tried and tried
to no avail
to calm my racing thoughts.

One night you came.
I knew right then
you would not be the same.
As you struggled for your breath
I struggled with my pain.

You came into my arms
I looked into your eyes.
I was calm.
A smile formed.
But did not last for long.
I knew again
with certainty
you were what I feared.

A day passed by
without much thought
without much feeling
without much love.
I felt the need to run that day.
I felt the need to cry.
I felt that everything was lost.
I felt that life was done.

Then I saw you helplessly
laying on your own.
I grabbed your hand
and said your name
and cried for all your pain.

I fell in love that morning.
I fell in love with you.
I fell so deeply that despair
could never overcome.

I fall in love each day
with everything you are.
You teach so much of love
of being who
and what
you are.

Today I cannot possibly
imagine what I felt.
That day that was so numb for me
was fear and nothing else.

I do not fear you little one.
You do not have to worry.
I know that you have come to me
so that we can share this journey.

Thank you for joining us this month. I love you all!!!

My escapee

2015-10-03T23:46:00.002-05:00

Why don't we lighten things up a bit? How about some humor in our lives. My stress is your amusement.

My Klo is an escape artist. Oh, is she ever!!! She absolutely LOVES to be outside. She loves taking walks. She loves playing at the park. And she LOVES TO RUN AWAY FROM ME!!! Not everyone, mostly me.

You see, Klo has an endless desire to stress me to the max. She'll run right into the street. She'll run right up to a dog. She'll jump into a stream. Stresses me out.

Here are some of her escape tricks:

1. Be unfailingly adorable and full of sweetness so as to build up a wall of trust and affection.

2. Practice your ninja-like silence. If you're always quiet, they'll be less suspicious when the opportunity to escape arises.

3. Memorize their patterns. When do they tend to leave doors open? When are the yard gates open? Typically while bringing in groceries or taking out the trash. Duly noted.

4. Learn how to walk and run on any surface without it hurting the soles of my feet.

5. Watch them. Don't let them see that you're watching them, but watch their every move.

6. Inch your way ever so slightly to the escape portal of choice.

7. Make sure that pesky baby isn't in the way.

8. If said baby has made an appearance this is the time to push.

9. Wait until the parentals are distracted (i.e. the baby cries after being pushed; Mom is explaining to Dad why she bought the expensive spaghetti sauce [don't know what his deal is, that woman's food hasn't ever disappointed him. I feel its proper place is face down on the floor that Dad just mopped])

10. Slide silently out the portal and down the stairs.

11. RUN!

12. Laugh uncontrollably as the wind hits your face and the air fills your lungs. You're FREE!!! You're FREE!!!! You're....

13. BLAST!!!! Foiled again. WHY MUST THEY BE SO FAST?!!!

14. Hatch a plan for the next portal escape.

15. This time... dupe the big sister into unknowingly concocting a plan with .

16. SUCCEED

Seriously. Girl finds her thrill in giving me panic attacks. Yeah.

.....We're working on that.

It happened

2015-10-02T12:27:00.000-05:00

Kloey was treated differently because of her diagnosis. Someone saw her as a problem, almost like a bug to be squashed, not as an innocent and loving soul. And I wasn't fully prepared for it. She is my baby and the love I have for her far exceeds anything that I've ever felt before. It outweighs any fear, it dissolves any apprehension, and it overflows in my heart every minute of every single day. When I look at Kloey I see who she is and who she has helped me to become. But when these people saw Kloey they saw something defective. And that hurt me.

Here's the story:
We signed Klo up for dance class. She is walking this year so we finally could. She loves to dance, twirl, leap, whatever it is. And she LOVES music. We thought this would be a great opportunity for her to be involved in something outside of physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and the very necessary pre-school (yeah, the girl is busy). This would be something fun. This would allow her to do something that she loves.

We got her all dressed up in her leotard and tutu and headed out. We actually forgot to take a picture which I'm grateful for. As soon as we got there and the dance teachers saw Kloey we felt the atmosphere change drastically. Now, I had told them that she has Down syndrome, I wasn't blind siding them at all. We thought that maybe it was just initial apprehension and that we should go ahead and try anyway. We didn't have an opportunity to talk to them about expectations or anything as class had already started. But, in my mind, this was a class for 3 and 4 year olds, there wasn't going to be a lot of structure anyway. I was wrong.

Kloey was THRILLED to be there. She loved shaking her hips in the big mirrors that lined the walls and she followed one of the instructors around trying to do exactly what she did. I thought it was adorable. They thought otherwise. They started to get frustrated with her after only about 5 minutes. They were visibly angry and upset that she was running up to the mirror. They kept letting kids cut in front of her in line but when she tried to get in line (she doesn't understand taking turns) they would put her in the back of the line. Over and over again they did this.

I decided to go in and see if I could maybe help them to loosen up. The instructor practically threw her at me and said with a nasty look on her face, "I just don't know how to approach this". Okay, now I was pissed. She was doing NOTHING that a typical child wouldn't do. She was there to have fun. They saw her diagnosis and dismissed all possibilities that she could ever be in a "normal" dance class. They set her up for failure.

I may sound dramatic but just know that my husband saw all of this as well. He agrees with the actuality of the events above. And to know Jordan is to know that he is the least dramatic person, and a very non-confrontational one at that. We were so upset.

She would put her hand on some of the girls' shoulders and say "hi". They would look back at her as if she was something so low that they could never be bothered to utter a simple "hello".WHAT are their parents teaching them??? As soon as the other kids started looking at her like they wanted to get rid of her and her differences we decided it was time to leave. I could barely hold in the tears. She loved dancing so much, she loved being around kids and just having fun! She cried the whole way to the car and for 10 minutes afterwards.

We took her to the McDonald's playplace and spoiled her for a good hour. She felt better. We didn't.
I got a refund from that studio and she lost the opportunity to know and love a beautiful and tender soul. She missed an amazing opportunity to learn and grow through accepting someone who was a little bit different than what she was used to.

Shame on her. And shame on her parents for not teaching her how to treat those with differences. And thank you to her, for throwing me into the realm of reality and helping me to realize that I am indeed strong enough to endure it.

(We are trying another studio next Tuesday. We've met the instructor and she seems amazing)

The beginning of everyday posts

2015-10-01T12:04:00.000-05:00

Hey All!!!! It's October and you know what that means..... DOWN SYNDROME AWARENESS MONTH!!!! This month I will post something new every single day in honor of down syndrome awareness. My hope is to answer questions, raise awareness, and break down barriers.

Let's start with a very, very touchy subject... Be excited.

Last year I had the opportunity to speak with a mother who had recently gotten a positive prenatal down syndrome diagnosis for her child. This was to be her sixth child. She shared her story on a social media site with other expectant mothers and what she said is nowhere out of the ordinary. She and her husband decided that, with this diagnosis, they were going to terminate the pregnancy. She was 26 weeks along I believe.

The other mothers started to praise her for her courage and good sense towards her unborn child. They were saying things such as, "You are such a brave mama", "that was the best thing you could have done for that child", "don't worry, you'll keep trying and you'll get it right next time". ..."you'll get it right". "brave mama". "best thing for that child". These phrases resonated in my mind and I was so sorry for all of these people that believed what they were saying. And I was angry.

I knew that my child was GRATEFUL for having life. I knew that I was brave for giving her life. I knew that I had already "gotten it right" with her. So, anyone who knows me knows that I couldn't keep quiet on this matter. With as much sensitivity as I could muster, I decided to send her a private message. It went something like this:

Hi. My name is Stephanie and I have a 3 year old daughter who has down syndrome. I know that it can be a scary diagnosis and that there are a lot of ideas and stereotypes about children with this diagnosis but let me tell you a little bit about my Kloey. She is the most lovable person I have ever met in my life. Every morning my life lights up at the sight of her early morning happiness and smiles. She plays, eats, sleeps, laughs, has favorite foods and shows, just like any other child. She has so much worth. I'm sorry that you felt that you needed to abort your baby, please just know that I am here for you if you have questions.
Something close to that.

She sent me a message back:
Hi. Thank you so much for that message. I have been have conflicted emotions since I made my decision. Your daughter is beautiful and I wonder what my little one would have been like and how my life would have changed.

She regretted her decision. She wanted to meet her child. But her child was gone, simply because of an extra chromosome. I am not trying to be insensitive here, I am simply sharing our conversation and the before and after of this mama's emotions and thoughts on the matter.

My goal here is to eliminate this idea of "Diagnosis=lesser life". It simply is not the case. Diagnosis=lots of emotions and a different plan, not any less of a life. If I can change one mind out of the over 90% who decide to terminate after a prenatal diagnosis of Down syndrome, then I have done my job.

Be excited. It's Down syndrome awareness month.

When I became ME

2015-09-01T12:16:00.001-05:00

Seven years ago today I became a mother. Pregnancy counts to a certain extent, true enough, but when I held my baby something inside of me switched. My life didn't belong to me anymore. I knew from that moment that everything that I did and everything that I said would be imprinted into little ears and eyes. That'll make you rethink just about every goal you've ever had!!!

Kourtney Michelle Hansen was born on Labor Day, September 1, 2008 shortly after 10 am. She was 7 lbs. 1 oz. and 19 inches long. And yet that little miniature human being held more power than anyone could have ever prepared me for.

She was a hard baby. A VERY HARD BABY!!!! I swear the child didn't sleep through the night until she was four years old. Not a lie. Seriously, not a lie. Yet when I look back on that first year, while I do remember the sleepless nights and feelings of surely going insane, I also remember the babbles. I remember the chubby baby fingers tugging on my long hair. I remember the night that she first smiled at me while I was feeding her at 2 in the morning. I remember how she used to randomly fall asleep on the floor because she would scream torturously when we tried to lay her in the crib for a nap. I remember the first time she grasped the concept of "peek a boo", when she learned to crawl in our little kitchen, when she took her first steps while Daddy was at work (sorry honey).

Then when she became a big sister she just blossomed. The child never got jealous, she was always helping with her sister. Then she started school and I felt like my heart was missing for 4 hours out of the day. Now she is 7. SEVEN!!! She is in second grade and gone all day long. The girl is sassier than sassy can be and funnier than funny can be. She's a daddy's girl through and through. She's a hard worker. And she loves Jesus more than anyone I've ever met.

God sent a spirit to me 7 years ago that teaches me more about life than I could ever imagine. But most people who are parents know that this is true. What Kourtney truly gave to me was ME. I became the person that I was waiting to become when she was given to me. Suddenly my life made sense. Suddenly I knew, as long as I had her, everything was safe, happy, everything made sense.

I cannot believe that today she outsmarts me on a regular basis. That she carries her baby brother around the house like it ain't no thang. That she does the dishes, bathes herself, cleans her room by herself. These things are wonderful and absolutely necessary. But sometimes, when I watch her sleeping at night, I yearn for just five more minutes... just five more minutes with my little baby girl... the baby girl that changed my life forever 7 years ago.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SWEET KOURTNEY!!!!

children=crazy

2015-04-19T22:39:00.001-05:00

I adore my children. I love them more than life itself (cliche, I know, but truth). But MY GOSH! Children are crazy. They are crazy and they make the people around them crazy. My husband and I like to say that we've been insane for so long now that it just seems normal to us. We have 3 beautiful children: beautiful and crazy. Our oldest is 6 years old going on 16. Our second is 3 years old but, with her Down Syndrome, I'd put her more in the 1 1/2 year range. Our youngest is 7 months old and he's extremely chubby (which I LOVE) and high maintenance.

Currently, my 6 year old is sitting next to husband on the couch and whining about everything that she DOESN'T have. Now, we just returned from a trip to my family's neck of the woods where my children were showered with love, affection, candy, toys, park trips, ice cream trips, toys, movie trips, toys, and more toys. Yet, she doesn't ever get anything in her life and we are making this "her worst day ever" (her actual words). Yes, she's curled up in a ball, pouting.

My 3 year old is sitting on the floor and stubbornly coloring in every page of her sister's brand new miniature Frozen notebook. Which, admittedly, is adding to the meltdown of the eldest and resulting in said ball-curling. She just dumped out an entire cup of water onto the carpet, which resulted in getting the notebook taken away, which resulted in tears. She moves fast. (and sister was just carried upstairs whilst crying and having what appeared to be a seizure just because it was bedtime)

My infant son is currently asleep which is unusual and rare because the boy has been awake and moving since the day of his conception. No joke. I first felt him kick at 9 weeks. He proceeded to do so every second of every day and night for the entirety of my pregnancy and hasn't stopped since. You'd think he'd be crawling or heck, even sitting up by now, but alas.... he is lazy.

My 6 year old is being carried up the stairs while screaming and crying again. She sneaked back down here.

I just wiped a snotty nose with my hand.

I forgot to brush my children's teeth tonight.

My 3 year old just fell off of the couch.

I have to go put my screaming 6 year old back in bed.....

My 3 year old just recently learned the word "no". Everything is "no".

My son is starting the separation anxiety stage. Can't even pee unless I bring him with me.

Anything I cook gets thrown on the floor. Thanks Kloey.

Anything I cook is met with "Ewww. I WON'T eat that!" Thanks Kourtney.

Church is another world altogether. Our meetings start at 1 pm and that is quite possibly the WORST time to have church when you have young children. Why, you ask. Because it is smack dab in the middle of nap time. So, the children are either screaming and crying or wired and crazy. It's hard enough to make sure a child, a toddler, and an infant look clean, pretty, and perfect. Add onto that the task of the coloring books, crayons, snacks, bottles, and countless other things that you MUST have on hand or their tiny little bodies will shrivel up and die from starvation or boredom.

After the 3 hour block of church madness (church is wonderful, don't get me wrong) we come home and the children turn from happy, smiling angels into snarling, growling, vicious beasts. Food, sleep, clean diapers, bottles.... just do it all!!!!

Not to mention the toll it starts to take on a marriage. It'll make ya or break ya. Not sure which one we are yet.....

Am I the only mother that goes through this???

Christmas Words

2014-12-25T23:45:00.000-06:00

Oh Christmas time. It is my absolute favorite time of the year. I love the snow, the cozy warmth of home, cuddly blankets, fuzzy socks, baby snuggles, gingerbread houses, cookies, presents.... just EVERYTHING!

This Christmas was different for us. We did our own Christmas. For the first time since we've been married we just did our own thing and it was so so so wonderful!!! Our children woke up before the sun did to see what Santa had brought for them. They saw that he had eaten all of the cookies that they had decorated for him just the night before. They learned all about why Santa gives us gifts. About Jesus' birth and how He was the ultimate gift. Kourtney tried to get away with leaving her door open and light on so that she could hear Santa when he came in. And they were beyond thrilled with their presents and stockings! They stuffed their faces with candy all day long. We had a ham dinner on our fine china and even had some neighbors over to spend time with. We enjoyed some Nigerian Christmas food, compliments of our Nigerian neighbor.

While he was here I asked him what Christmas was like where he's from. And as he was telling me, something seemed to have hit me square in the face. They don't have Halloween over there, nor do they have Thanksgiving, but everyone has Christmas. Because Christmas is Christ. And Christ is for the whole world. I look at my sweet Joseph and know that he will do wonderful things. But young Mary looked at her baby boy and knew that he would CHANGE THE WORLD!!! How blessed we are that there was a mother strong enough and worthy enough to take on this task.

As I was shutting Kourtney's bedroom door after tucking her into bed tonight I turned around and said, "Kourtney, what is Christmas?" To which she responded, "Jesus' birthday". Earlier I had asked her, "Why does Santa bring us gifts?" To which she promptly answered, "Because Jesus was the biggest gift". I love her faith and knowledge. I love that even though Santa and presents have seemingly overthrown what Christmas really is we can know that if we just take a little time to teach our young ones what the spirit of Christmas is all about, they will learn, and they will cherish it.

Tonight my sweet Kloey reminded me once again what Christmas is all about. It is about family. My darling girl is more than 3 years old and has never really spoken. I have longed and longed for her to say "mommy". Something inside of me has NEEDED to hear it for such a long time. Kourtney said it when she was less than a year old. I know things are slower going with Klo. But it's been so long. We were watching a Christmas movie with her and this thought popped into my head, "ask her. Ask her to say 'mommy'". So, I did. She looked me right in the eye, smiled, and said "mommy". I gasped, looked at Jordan to confirm that it had not been my imagination, and when I saw his face I knew that I was right. My baby girl called me "mommy". My heart swelled with love, adoration, relief, and so many more emotions. There were so many that they spilled out of me in the form of tears! And I'm not gonna lie, Jordan teared up too.

This is Christmas. Christmas is family. Christmas is love and giving. Christmas is Christ.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

The Year of the Hansen's

2014-12-23T00:21:00.000-06:00

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
WHEN ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE,
NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING.....
EXCEPT FOR MY SPOUSE.

THIS WAY IT HAD BEEN THE ENTIRE YEAR THROUGH
EVER SINCE JANUARY HAD STARTED ANEW.
THE CHILDREN WERE NESTLED ALL DOWN WITH SWINE FLU,
WHILE MOM WAS TRYING DESPERATELY TO NOT SPEW.

MAMA PEED ON A STICK TO CONFIRM OUR SUSPICION,
OF HER VERY OBVIOUS NINE MONTH CONDITION.
WHEN MOMMY AND DADDY HAD A CRAZY IDEA.
THAT DADDY WOULD SPRING INTO A NEW FILM CAREER!

AWAY TO THE INTERNET HE FLEW WITH A FLASH,
TO RESEARCH HOW FILM WOULD MAKE THE MOST CASH.

SO DADDY WAS PREPPING, AND READY TO GO,
WHEN MOMMY HAD PROBLEMS BEGINNING TO SHOW.
THIS BABY THAT WAS QUIETLY GROWING INSIDE HER,
WAS HAVING SOME PROBLEMS THAT WOULD PUT HIM IN DANGER.

WITH A GREAT TEAM OF DOCTORS SO SMART AND SO QUICK,
THE BABY WAS SAVED AND HE STARTED TO KICK.

MORE RAPID THAN EAGLES,
THE TRIALS THEY CAME.
SO QUICKLY WE'LL STATE THEM
ACCORDING TO NAME:

NOW JORDAN WAS BUSY
AND CONSTANTLY WORKING,

'CUZ STEPH WAS ON BEDREST
AND SURE WASN'T PERKY.

AND KOURTNEY WAS LEARNING
AND QUITE ON THE BALL!

BUT KLOEY WAS SICK
WITHIN HOSPITAL WALLS.

AS MOMMY WAS GROWING AND GETTING QUITE HUGE,

THE GIRLS, THEY KEPT LEARNING! AND JORDAN DID TOO!

KOURTNEY WAS DANCING AND LEARNING TO SING,
WHILE KLO WAS TAKING STEPS AND TRYING NEW THINGS.

AND THEN IN A TWINKLING OF JUST 3 SHORT HOURS,
CAME SWEET LITTLE JOSEPH AND THEN LOTS OF FLOWERS.

THE GIRLS FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS NEW BABY BROTHER,
AND 100 TIMES THE HEART GREW IN THEIR MOTHER.

BUT GOD HAD SOME MORE FOR THIS QUAINT LITTLE FAMILY.
SO THEY HELD ON REAL TIGHT AD ENDURED MERRILY.

THE BABY WAS SICK AND TEARS FLOWED FROM HIS EYES,
WHILE LITTLE KLO'S NECK STARTED GROWING IN SIZE.

A COUPLE OF SURGERIES WERE HAD ON THE NECK,
AND 3 WEEKS OF INFUSIONS...
THEN KLOEY HAD STREP!

BUT KOURTNEY'S EYES HOW THEY TWINKLED! KLO'S SMILE HOW MERRY!
JOSEPH'S CHEEKS WERE LIKE ROSES, HIS NOSE LIKE A CHERRY!

HE HAS A CHUBBY FACE AND A ROUND LITTLE BELLY.
KOURTNEY LOVES GIVING HIM KISSES,
BUT NOT WHEN HE'S SMELLY.

WITH ONE MORE SURGERY LEFT FOR THIS YEAR,
KLOEY WILL BE HEALTHY
AND SO WILL HER EARS.

KOURTNEY NOW READS AND WRITES HER OWN STORIES,
AND TELLS MOM AND DAD OF ALL SORTS OF HER WORRIES.

MOMMY AND DADDY ARE BLESSED BEYOND REASON,
WE'RE FILLED WITH THANKSGIVING AND JOY IN THIS SEASON.

WITH SMILES AND LAUGHS WE'LL GREET EACH NEW DAY.
DESPITE THE PEE, SNOT, AND SALIVA
THAT WILL COME OUR WAY.

SO IF YOU SEE US LOOKING ALL HAGARD AND HAZY,
DO NOT ASSUME WE ARE JUST BEING LAZY.

FOR WITH TRIALS COME BLESSINGS,
AND WITH BLESSINGS COME TRIALS.
AND OUR'S SEEM TO HAVE BEEN STRETCHED FOR MILES AND MILES.

THERE'S NO NEED TO DENY THAT THIS YEAR,
IT'S BEEN ROUGH!

AND QUITE CERTAINLY
2015 CANNOT COME SOON ENOUGH!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!