le coeur du adorateur

Body Betrayal

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 06:08:00 +0000

I think that time has caught up with me. I have noticed a difference in my body of late. It seems that it has gotten significantly weaker in the past couple of months. I noticed this when I was playing with the kids that I wasn’t able to keep up because my body was....soft. I found myself stumbling because my body strength wasn’t strong enough to be able to make the sudden changes in direction that were necessary. And even as I were to do squats and the exercises that in the past I was able to easily with enthusiasm and energy, I find myself laboring and giving up far sooner than I had just 6-8 months ago.

Have I fallen that far? Has my conditioning gone by the wayside so much? I’ve been concentrating so much on other things (of which are better for sure) and in the midst of that being fatigued and it’s got me wondering. Do I need to condition my body a little more just to stay in shape? sigh. getting older isn’t easy. :)

Fear of spending too much money and maintenance

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 19:38:00 +0000

so as I have been getting my house ready to sell, I have found that things that have bothered me for 5 years take only a little bit of money to resolve. Point in case, at my house, when I bought the place, I found that there was no key to the front door. So what did I do? Did I go find a locksmith who could change the lock on the door for me so that I could use the same key for the back and front? no. For 5 years, I lived with a front door that I couldn’t open from the outside. Only until last week, when I called a locksmith to fix it (took 15 min) that I finally had a key that opened both doors.

And this is typical for me. I just end up living with the compromise of various things around the house, not because i don’t care, because I do, but that I am afraid that I would spend too much money. You see, for me, the fear that I paid too much is so excruciating that I would rather just live with something because hey, paying nothing and living in a less than ideal place is better than thinking “oh man, I paid too much for something”

Now after looking at the sillyness of not getting the lock changed for nearly half a decade is started to hit home that this is a untenable position to take. Seriously. If I looked back at the 5 years and saw the corners that I tried to take, which literally cost me tens of thousands of dollars, I find myself, saying, “why didn’t I just spend the $500, $1000, $50 bucks to get it done right back in the day so that I could actually enjoy having a front door I can walk through?” It wasn’t that I didn’t have the money. I had the money. I had roommates who were paying me rent. I had a good job. Yet I became a cheapskate. not frugal, but a cheapskate.

So I’ve resolved myself if I ever get back into a house again, that I’m not going to scrimp on things when I don’t have to. It’s one thing to not have any money to do something, but another thing to have the money and so worried that I’m going to spend it half hazardly that I end up not spending anything at all and not improving my situation. Lessons learned. I wish it just didn’t take me 5 years to learn it.

Raw Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 07:15:00 +0000

Why is my heart so open? Why is it that I cannot seem to close the floodgates and my heart is in overdrive. Why? I find as I seek the Lord more and more, my heart starts opening to those around me as well. That I have to be extra careful with whom I I talk with, spend time with and share with when the Lord is dealing with me and my heart as I find my heart becomes too easily tied, too easily entangled.

It seems that this is where the Lord wants to keep me. To be raw. Transparent. Desperate. Desperate to stay in the presence of the Lord. Transparent to Him and holding nothing back. How I long to be with Him more and more. A friend of mine mentioned how she feels that her interests in the world and the things of the world is waning and that she just wants to know him more and more these days. I would have to agree with her. I’m almost at a loss when people start talking about the latest restaurant opening or how awesome the last season of Lost was. I’m just not interested for some reason. I’m not saying that I’m any holier or special because of it, because in all honesty, I sometimes wish I would be more interested because I could participate in the conversation more. But the Lord has me in this place for a reason. :)

Adoption Story

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 22:40:00 +0000

I got this from a guy who recently died in a car accident. It affected me deeply and made me think more about adoption. Granted, I need to get a wife first, but it made me think about it.

“This is Redemption. Derek, do you know how far I travelled to get you and bring you back? I had to be separated from my Son, in order to get you, just like you are separated from your children in order to get these boys. Do you know how expensive it was for Me to purchase you? It cost me everything. Do you know how broken, sick, damaged, twisted, dirty, smelly and hopeless you were? And at the end of it all, you had nothing to give me or add to me. I did it for you. I empitied myself and became nothing so that you could have it all. This is redemption.

My friend, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, exhausting, expensive and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him. And when He redeems us, we can’t even really appreciate or comprehend it, just like Dimitri will never comprehend or fully appreciate what is about to happen to him. .. but ... he will live in the fruit of it. As his Daddy, I will never expect him to understand all of this or even to thank me. I just want to watch him live in the benefits of my love and experience the joys of being an heir in my family. This is how our heavenly “Papa” feels towards us.

Downsizing

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 16:54:00 +0000

As I am back in Chicago, I am finding that I am in a different mindset than I was before. I find that I am glad to get rid of stuff. That all the stuff that I have in the basement sitting there is becoming more and more heavy to me. I’ve found myself going to Goodwill every day for the last couple of days, taking a box of stuff that I find I have no use for or that I haven’t used in a number of years and most likely will not use for a number more years.

A lot of the unwillingness to get rid of stuff is because there are dreams, expectations or hope that was tied in with that object. Whether it was a hobby that you started down the road with and never fully realized, or stuff that you have kept because one day you are going to live at the beach, every object that we have here represents a dream or a ideal that we hold onto.

I find that my dreams and ideals are changing and with it as I take things to Goodwill or throw them away, I’m putting to death a lot of hopes and dreams that I had been holding onto for the longest time. The dream of having a bungalow home surrounded by well made arts and crafts furniture that would last till I die, sitting on a comfortable leather chair and appreciating the beauty of quartersawn oak wood and the craftsmanship that was put into the pieces of furniture that are preeminently useful in the house. The dream of having a super fast car that can scoot to where I want it to go and have enough oomph to be just a little scary on the turns. The dream to have a family with 12 kids and live in a nice house with a nice yard that they can play in. All of these I have to lay down because God has given me the dream of Taiwan. To see Taiwan grow into a country that becomes a launching point for Christianity into the Far East. While my heart is glad and I know that there are great things in store for me in Taiwan, putting things to death is never glorious. But once they are dead, it IS glorious...oh, I don’t know how i’ll ever go back to the way that I was...I had too many dreams and not the Great Dream.

The inexorable pull of stuff

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 12:01:00 +0000

So here I am, in the airport, finally home. I know it’s been over a month since I have updated this, but being back home it’s given me time to think about all the things that have been happening in the last month ad what I’ve been learning. Even as I sit here in the airport, I notice a difference. The way that people dress. Cars that actually are clean and have their bumper/paint job intact. I’m not at training anymore, I’m home.

Although am I? I live in a bedroom at my sister’s place, with all my stuff in the basement. I get to my room and immediately get stressed with all the reminders of things that I have that I don’t need anymore. Things that remind me of my former life and the stuff that I have accumulated that has no more meaning for me. Yet even in training, I find myself trying to figure out how to deal with the creep of having stuff and how having more stuff makes you slower and at times can hold you back.

Not that stuff is bad. We need certain stuff. In the last 6 months of training I have moved 3 times and had to pack up my stuff each time. And each time, I have more stuff! you would think that as a missionary that I wouldn’t have more stuff, but I do. Now mind you it is typically stuff that I had at home that was sent to me because it served a purpose in each of the previous residences, but now I’m finding out that it’s better to do without than to acquire stuff to deal with some special situation that would have to carry around forever.

Case in point.

A number of years ago, I ended up going to New Zealand for a month long trip. It was a trip of a lifetime and I am glad that I made the choice of going, cause I had such an adventure going doing so many things. I wouldn’t have given it up for the world. What I would have given up? My scuba fins. You see, I had planned to go scuba diving out at the Poor Knight’s Islands, cause it was one of the top 5 diving destinations in the world from what I read. So I wanted to be ready! Goggles? Check. Snorkel? Check. Fins? Check. Schlepping fins in a huge duffel back all over the country, bus by bus, car by car, from train station to train station to the point where I despised scuba diving, it’s gear and everything it stood for? Check.

It would remind me constantly of the stuff I was carrying around that I would only use once in my month long stay in NZ. Once. and for 29 days, I had to carry that useless piece of diving equipment everywhere I went. I thought about selling it. Giving it away. Anything to alleviate my aching back and sides carrying this onto city buses or walking across town.

I’ve never gone scuba diving again.

But I have been using my sleeping bag from back then constantly over the years and have gotten my use out of it. time to get a new sleeping bag at some point. :)

So what is my point? your “stuff needs” will change as your life changes. And as your life changes, you need to be ruthless in removing the stuff that you have. And be ruthless in the stuff you acquire. I’m spending time scanning and copying everything on my computer, cause then it’s just less stuff that I need. But I’ll have to cull everything every so often. I just need to be diligent about it.

Rhema

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 16:10:00 +0000

The spoken word. How powerful is it? I know that I have written about this before, but this morning, I was in the prayer room dwelling upon Christ and what He wanted to say to me and for some reason, every time the singers sang a spontaneous chorus, it really hit me. here are a couple of the spontanouous chorus;

Help me trust you
Help my unbelief
I want to be dependent
I want to be dependent on you

There’s not a care in the world
when I trust in you cojmpletely

I have always been
pursuing you
pursuing you

This love won’t stop
This desire won’t stop
This fire won’t stop
Pursuing me, Pursuing me

Fill our hearts with joy
Fill our hearts with gladness
The world can’t give it
The world can’t take it away

We started singing, “Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee” and we sang a part that said, “I’ve got the joy” over and over again. As many of you know, it would previously drive me nuts because it’s like, “I get it. I have the joy”. But I find now that while I may get it in my mind, it is my heart that needs to hear it and hear it many times before the heart believes.

And as we sang that over and over, I started to really believe it in my heart. I may not feel it, but I was speaking to my Father saying, “Ive got the joy! I’ve got the joy!” and the Lord was speaking back to me saying, “That’s right. It’s your portion”. I realized that speaking it out calls forth that which really is. It brings forth truth. And it isn’t just speaking it and not believing, but speaking it out and believing for it. Shoot, we see this in the OT in 2 Kings 9:6-10 where one of the servants of the prophets ends up delivering a word to Jehu, anoint him king and runs away. But the word, once spoken, brings for Jehu as the King of Israel. Why? Because the servant had authority? No. It is because the word was spoken that brought forth Jehu to royalty IN A MOMENT.

That is the power of the spoken word. Be careful on what you speak (Ps 141:3) and speak according to His Word. Oh mean, I can’t wait.

Who wins? the Heart or the Mind?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 18:51:00 +0000

So I have found that the mind and the heart can want 2 very different things. Yesterday I ended up talking with someone and one of the things that he mentioned was, “is it ok if Jesus comes into this situation?”

In my mind, I knew that the right Christian answer was to say, “yes, of course, Christ is always welcome!” But in my heart, what I really FELT was, “no! I'm scared of Christ!"

As I look back on other situations I find that what I say in my mind vs what I feel in my heart are almost always 2 different things. And until I recognize that the heart feels something different, I’ll forever be deceiving myself, my friends and all those who are close to me. I'll say things like, "Oh that doesn't matter" when it really does and I harbor ill will towards someone in my heart for that.

“The heart wants what the heart wants" is a saying that I'm sure many of you are familiar with. This can be a sad statement. For if your heart is preventing you from venturing out to what the Lord has in store for you, then it can become bondage? For who can change the heart? The mind sure can't. I can't logically say, "well, I know that the Lord is faithful and true, that He will take care of me" and instantly my heart follows, although declaring the truth of the Lord can cause the heart to come into alignment with the truth, but the mind cannot in it of itself convince the heart to change. The testimony of my life right now is like that. I have a strewn wreckage of broken relationships as a testimony to it. I would convince myself in my mind that some issues weren't a bit deal but yet they were in my heart. Yet my mind, no matter how many times it would say, "logically it isn't a big deal! other people have come to a godly reconciliation on the issue" but my heart would cry no! it's a huge deal! And I am left with not only the brokenness on my side, but also brokenness and pain on the other side, which is far greater and more deep than what I am going through.

So what is it? What can change the heart?

“I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth.”

It is only through the encounter with the Lord that the heart is changed. It is only through the Lord who can speak the language of the heart of man that the heart will listen and change. This can be done through the Word and the spoken truth, but at times it can be the Lord through the Holy Spirit that breaks in with a revelation while you are walking down the aisle at Target. Or driving down I90 during a particular busy time of the day. And when the Lord does that, the heart completely changes.

I can only tell you truthfully from my experience, but I have noticed it in others as well, that you can talk to them till your blue in the face, but until the Lord speaks His Word, His Truth, it doesn't matter. For the last 14 years, I have been living in this bondage of "people like me for what I can do, and that they'll eventually leave no matter how close I get with them" and in a moment, on March 5th, 2010, I was free. The Lord spoke to my heart. Sure my mind was fighting it every step of the way, saying that I already knew the truth, but the Lord was having none of it and spoke directly to the heart. And for the first time, I feel light. I feel at peace. That all the friendships and relationships that I have had over the years were a blessing and they were entrusted to me by the Lord. They were never mine to begin with. I was a steward of them. Each one is precious and to be handled in a God honoring way, for it is a gift of the King.

So my heart has changed. I look outside and I don't go into despair thinking that no one loves me and that no one cares. I look outside and say, "the Lord loves me so much and has given me so much. I am blessed."

The Bell and the Balloon

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 20:48:00 +0000

So I finally went to counseling. well, I wouldn’t call it counseling in the traditional sense, but it was Jesus the counselor doing mighty things in my life. Whew. I didn’t realize the impact that would be for me to go through it. The jist of it? I found that I had a belief that I would be alone no matter how many people are around and how many friends I would have. (see my post “Falling Away”)

Going into my session, I was confronted with the fact that I fundamentally thought that the reason that relationships were broken was because I was not worth being loved. That people would break off the friendship/relationships when they got past all the things that I could do for them. I looked upon relationships as a give and take. “what do you bring to the table because this is what I bring to the table.” is the thought that is resonating within my skull. Bad, I know. But one thing that I have learned is that the heart believes what the heart believes, not what it is supposed to believe. So when a friendship ends, or a friendship is broken, it seemed like a confirmation of my own unworthiness of love.

Lies. All lies. during the facilitation I found out that these relationships were like delicate glass cubes. I had one in my hand, but it was in shards with sharp edges and my hands were bleeding from the cuts they were making. The Lord said to me, “You really shouldn’t hold onto the glass cubes too tightly. They are delicate and if you do, you’ll break them and they’ll cut and hurt you. Why don’t you give them over to me? They’re mine anyway, they really aren’t yours.” Hmm...I never really thought about it. I realized that I was looking at relationships and friendships as a source of worth and comfort and I never really asked the Lord whether or not He would give me that worth and comfort. So what happened when I asked the Lord about this. About how I held on so tightly to the fact that I was worth something to people because of what I did and that my sense of worth comes from that. When I was going to let it go, I found out that I wasn’t willing to let it go, for if I did, what else did I have? nothing! I would be utterly alone without even the pain to keep me company in this place of desolation.

The Lord’s reply?

“I’ve got a balloon.”

And I grabbed it. Hugged it. Leaving my bundle of performance and worth, which was a burlap sack tied with rope together I found the balloon providing safety and comfort. And it was light. I was so comforting. And the Lord had tons more. all that I could ever want. All that I could ever hug. And if I lost the balloon? If the balloon flew away? He has many to replace it.

Even then, I still wasn’t completely free. I knew that the alone feeling and the worthless feelings would come back and what then?

“Here’s this bell. Ring the bell and I’ll a come running. Always. Every time.”

Oh, what a comfort. Jesus will come when I ring the bell? when I”m feeling alone and worthless, Jesus will come when I ring the bell. And I’ll always have a balloon to remind me of the safety and comfort that He has for me. No longer will I have to perform in order to have relationships, but I can say for the first time, without the emotional euphoria of a worship conference or altar call, I can say, “I’m satisfied with you Lord. I need no other relationships. If you choose to give me relationships to steward, I will with rejoicing, but again, I say, I will rejoice in You.”

The day is bright indeed.

How long do you drive with the "Low Fuel" light on?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 17:41:00 +0000

So I drove with the “Low Fuel” light on for THREE days. To some of you, this strikes fear in the very depths of your heart. For me, it was exciting. Yes, so sad that I get excited about going on Low Fuel for three days. This is my life. *sigh* Visions of me being stranded on the side of the road and getting carjacked went through my mind, but I wanted to see how long I could last before I really started to freak out. :) I have to admit that I found that it was fun. Tryin to make the last drops of fuel last on my way home and wondering if I ran out of gas uphill what I would end up doing. :)

I find that there are people who don’t mind going on low fuel for more than 3 days! Then there are those who when that light even starts to slowly light up, they are at the gas station filling up no matter how expensive it is.

I used to be one of these people. I would fill it. And in their defense, it’s better for your car. Your car’s fuel tank has sediment and junk that is sitting on the bottom of the tank and when you let it run so low, you run the risk of a clogged fuel filter which can be a expensive repair to do. Top off your tank when it gets to a 1/4 tank low and you’ll be fine and your fuel filter will thank you. And your pocketbook.

Falling Away

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 01:17:00 +0000

I have just come to the realization that I think everyone, except family and 1-2 others will eventually leave me.

Everyone.

It may take a month. It may take a year. But I find that deep down inside, that no matter how close you get, no matter how tight you may feel you are with a group of friends, it's only temporary. It will eventually fail. The circle will break apart, the group of friends will dissolve, leaving you standing with the wind whistling through your ears.

I've blogged about this before, usually when I am going through a break up, losing friends, etc. It's in these times that I feel that belief so vividly and strongly that I keep bringing it up. insanity? probably.

But I've explored it further and realize that this extends to all my relationships. Girlfriends. Close friends. I treat them all the same. I'll be friends with them because I realize I cannot live alone, but I am always expecting them to disappoint and leave me. Always. When it does, the pain is there, but there is also the empty comfort of "you knew this was going to happen". It's a cold comfort, but a comfort nonetheless.

Family is the exception of course. But even then, sometimes I hesitate to reach out because even though in the 37 years they have always loved me, there is something deep seated within my heart that the possibility is there as well. And I don't want to even try to reach out and find that there is nothing there. That's worse than never reaching out. So I accept that never reaching out is the only way to not get hurt. If I do reach out, I WILL get hurt. I WILL experience abandonment.

Don't get me wrong. People like me. They enjoy hanging out and think I'm a pretty cool guy. I've never had a problem making friends. But when I make friends, I do it with the understanding that there will be a separation, either due to marriage, circumstances, geography, etc. And I find my heart can't take it anymore.

When did this start? I think back and I haven't always been this way. I've started thinking about the times that I've felt this abandonment (besides the usual suspects of breaking up with girlfriends).

2004 - I was always hanging out with a bunch of friends. We would hang out for 1-2 years, but everyone would get married and the inevitable girl liking a guy one way that caused the circle to break. ouch.

1998 - Me, W and J were best buds. I loved these guys and it was the first time that I really was connecting in a deep way with them. J got married and ended up dropping out. ouch. Me and W are still good friends and I treasure that

1991 - Me, Z, D, W were best friends. We were the circle. for one semester, it was tight. I hadn't had that tightness before. I didn't know what happened, but the circle ended up breaking up. ouch.

1984 - Me and C were great friends. I can't remember because I was only 12, but I do remember that we were really close, but because of parents falling out, we weren't able to be friends anymore. it was sad, but I don't know what I felt at that point.

There are a number of other instances between these dates that I haven't mentioned because I believe my point has already been made. Somewhere along these experiences, I believed that friendships were meant to be broken. Friendships were made to be sources of pain.

Maybe that is why I feel so much more comfortable with gadgets. They are always there. They break down, but I don't have anything really invested in them. It's always the same (the better thing is right around the corner) and there is a familiarity in that. Same goes for things like my admin skills in computers. People will always value me because of my computer skills (at least the world will) so I can always find validation with that.

The unfortunate part of this is that I extend this also to God. I am deathly afraid of the time that the Lord is going to say, "I never knew you." and every time I expose my heart, even though He has been faithful all the time, there is a uncertainty with this as being , "is this the last time before He gives me over to my sinful desires?" I'm waiting. Because friendships were meant to be broken. He can tell me all the time, but my experience with people confirms it in my life at least. (which also may be a self-fulfilling prophecy)

So I think that's the crux of the matter. I don't trust the Lord because I don't trust people.

Sad isn't it? Here I am, taking Theophosics which is the identification of lies and inserting the truth into our hearts and here I am identifying the lies, but the truth can't seem to take hold in my heart. funny isn't it? Healer, heal thyself! If it were only so easy...

Middle Eastern Nostalgia

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 22:58:00 +0000

So I went with Matt to eat middle eastern food. Specifically falafel, hummus and baba ghanoush. I had heard of a decent middle eastern place that was 10 min from where I lived and I had to have it.

I remember the first time that I ate hummus and falafels. It was like my eyes were opened. It was a falafel sandwich from a friend of mine anthony. He said I should try these sandwiches from "Pita Inn" which was a local chicago middle eastern eatery. After I had it, I was tempted to ask to eat another one, but that wouldn't have been appropriate in that setting. But it was the start. That was in 1999...oh, those were the days.

What is it about foods that links so strongly to our emotions? I can think about various foods and find myself smiling thinking about the MEMORY of eating food at that particular place, or that particular dish. I can remember going to Le Titi de Paris, where I had a dish tha I can't remember except for the feelings I had of amazing food and wondering what my friend would think if I were to start licking the bowl and plate...(I refrained myself, but I always wonder if I really missed out...)

In any case, the place we went to was a combination grocery store/restaurant, which was the best. it was in some dingy warehouse along with some booths and al jezeera playing in the background...very interesting for sure. I loved it. I wish every restaurant in the area would have as much character and culture as this place did. I ate my fill of food and right now I am sitting here writing this with a smile on my face. We also got lost somewhere in longview lake and found a cool little development in the backwoods. I love getting lost and checking out a different place that I had no idea existed. I didn't even know that there was a lake that was near where we lived in kansas city! who would have thought. :) Good times for sure. Maybe I need to get lost more often...I need that sense of adventure! :)

Dream Interpretation

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 06:29:00 +0000

So I'm sitting here after having a successful potsticker party where I am dealing with americans who have never eaten a potsticker before (I'm still in shock about this one) and teaching them the finer points of chinese and how it's a tonal language. Afterwards we were all chilling out and someone starts interpreting dreams and such. I'm not quite on board on all this, but I know that the Lord has given me a discerning spirit so I just talk to others about stuff and let her go along. Nothing she was saying was against the Word, so it was all good.

Things started getting interesting when she asks me if there was something that God did 8 years ago in my life. I told her I couldn't remember and she starts telling me that 8 years ago God did something and that it was something significant and that I am in the midst of a greater consecration in store for me. so I'm trying to think about what went down 8 years ago and I'm drawing a blank. Seriously, is this what it means when you get old? Being 37 sucks. I can't even remember things from 8 years ago. 2001? forget about it. I think I was working for go2call. But that's about it. Looking like I'm 25 is great though. ;) I wonder if in 10 years I'm going to even remember anything at all. I'm going to be that 70 year old that walks outside to get his newspaper and forgets that he's not wearing any pants. And doesn't care. yup, that'll be me. I might as well accept that.

And now I'm thinking about all the prophetic things that have been spoken over me and how I am moving from childish things to things of maturity, finding green pastures, and giving me a gift. I wonder what I should do with all these prophecies...I mean I was prophesied about the financial thing and I am wondering when I should be doing this and if I should start doing a curriculum for it so that it may be released in the kingdom. Hmm... It makes me think whether or not I should be here at IHOP longer. I am afraid of being here longer cause I told everyone I was going to taiwan and in truth I still want to go, but it seems that there is so much to be done here and I'm wrestling with whether to stay or go. We'll see. Grr...so many thoughts.

The call of samuel

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 06:04:00 +0000

When I was young, (I can't remember the age), I remember the Lord spoke to me audibly. It's the only time in my life that I have heard the Lord audibly, but it was so clear and so certain. I was playing upstairs in my bedroom and suddenly I remember hearing my name.

"Joshua"

I ran downstairs to my mom and asked if she called me. She said no, so I went back upstairs. I kept playing and I heard the Voice again,

"Joshua"

This time I thought, "oh this is like samuel" so I kneeled on my bed and prayed, "Speak now for your servant heareth"

Silence.

Deathly silence.

Had I done something wrong? Did I not get it right? Did I not hear it? I didn't think anything too much about it and ended up going back to playing, but over the years I wondered. I wondered what it meant and what it means. To this day I don't know.

But today someone said that I had the call of samuel. Immediately I remembered this incident. but yet He had only called me twice, not thrice like God did in the Bible to Samuel. He only called twice. The third time God called to Samuel, that was the beginning of the ministry where the Lord's voice wasn't prevalent and that that through Samuel He was going to speak once again. So what is going to happen if/when the Lord calls me a third time? I'm fearful and hopeful when that time comes, because it has been at least 25 years since he's called twice. Has He been refining me for the time He will call my name a third time? And why wait this long to call me thrice? I don't know and that has me scared. But I long to hear His Voice.

4 Then the Lord called Samuel, and he said, “Here I am!” 5 and ran to Eli and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” But he said, “I did not call; lie down again.” So he went and lay down.
6 And the Lord called again, “Samuel!” and Samuel arose and went to Eli and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” But he said, “I did not call, my son; lie down again.” 7 Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord, and the word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him.
8 And the Lord called Samuel again the third time. And he arose and went to Eli and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” Then Eli perceived that the Lord was calling the young man. 9 Therefore Eli said to Samuel, “Go, lie down, and if he calls you, you shall say, ‘Speak, Lord, for your servant hears.’ ” So Samuel went and lay down in his place.
10 And the Lord came and stood, calling as at other times, “Samuel! Samuel!” And Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant hears.” 11 Then the Lord said to Samuel, “Behold, I am about to do a thing in Israel at which the two ears of everyone who hears it will tingle. 12 On that day I will fulfill against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. 13 And I declare to him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, mbecause his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them. 14 Therefore I swear to the house of Eli that the iniquity of Eli’s house shall not be atoned for by sacrifice or offering forever.”

Luke 16:18

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 22:56:00 +0000

the past couple of weeks, I've been reading through the gospels. It's been great to read through all of them, but in all honesty once you've read the first 2, the last 2 start to be a little repetitive, although there are some unique passages in each gospel. But one of the passages in luke grabbed a hold of me for some reason, even though it doesn't apply to me...

"Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery. " (Luke 16:18)

hrm. does this mean that everyone who is divorced has only 2 options? i.e. singleness for the rest of your life or reconciliation with your former partner.

That is a hard teaching. This makes marriage even more daunting, as even if it were not to work out, you couldn't remarry again. so don't make a mistake! (at least that is how my mind would work) This is pretty theoretical for me, as if I were to get married, divorce is out of the question, but I look around the church and there are people who are divorced and remarried and seem to be ok. (although I guess they could be adulterers in their eyes)

Why is the 2nd part true? why is that if a guy marries a divorcee, that he's committing adultery? Here is my thinking:

Even though the divorce was given in man's eyes, it is not given in the Lord's eyes (except for adultery or pornea), so in God's eyes, they are still one flesh. So accordingly, even if the man were to remarry, he would also be considered an adulterer, because the Lord would consider that man and his former wife to still be one flesh. Same goes for the woman. So if you were to marry someone else, God would consider that sleeping around on your former wife, since God doesn't recognize the divorce given by man. (Matt 19:6)

Wow. Makes this whole sanctity of marriage a big thing in God's eyes, even more so than what society thinks, and in some cases what some churches think as well.

I realize that this can be a hard saying, that what I am saying is that divorced people can't remarry, that they need to be single or reconcile with their spouse. I know I am single, not knowing the difficulties of marriage are, but I believe that if Jesus has given us the command to be single, He gives the grace to be able to maintain that singleness. I know the Lord has given me grace to be single these 37 years. (wow. I'm 37...sigh)

I would love to hear other opinions on this!

TRX

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 22:45:00 +0000

So I just started on this new exercise routine, because Tony Horton and his P90x schtick is really starting to grate on me, and I feel that besides one or 2 of the exercises, they aren't whole body exercises. Plus the fact that they are always a hour long, which means I need at least 2 hours free to do them (shower, warm up, etc) puts a huge crimp in the schedule that I'm doing now.

My criteria for exercise was

1) should be small enough that I can contain it in my carry-on luggage to taiwan
2) targeting the whole body
3) that a workout could be done in 30 min or less. (high intensity)

Enter in the TRX. I'm not going into a informercial mode or anything, but just giving you my experience with it. So far everytime I workout, I've pushed myself hard enough to feel like puking my guts out. It's been years since a workout has done this to me, so I know that the workout is intense, even though it doesn't seem like it at the beginning. The best part? all it requires are a bunch of straps, so I can do it anywhere as long as there is a door or a bar to hang this thing on. And I can do it in 25 min, which means I can do it during the lunch break....suffice to say I love this thing.

now whether or not it will produce results, I don't know. :) we'll see.

between exercising and the regular practice of fasting, I'm not sure how it's all goin to work come down at the end of the internship. we'll see!

A look back.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 22:53:00 +0000

It's my birthday.

Birthday's are depressing. I don't know if it is because I've had so many and they are mileposts to say that I have less time to do what God wants for me. Like many people, I always thought that when I got to 37 that I would be more successful, farther along, or just "better" than I am right now. The more I start thinking deeply about it, the more I realize that I will always think that no matter where I am at. It's just how I am wired.

It's gotten to the point where I don't tell people when my birthday is and I end up just spending the day as normal. I don't feel any different, so shouldn't it be just another day?

Yet the more I start thinking about it, rituals and celebrations have value. Funerals. Graduation. Bar Mitzphahs. Baby Showers. Housewarming. All of these rituals do have meaning and are helpful and in some cases, necessary in order to mentally move on. Are birthday's the same? I've heard of many people who don't know their birthday and don't even know how old they are exactly. So it makes me think. Should I have a birthday party? in a new place where I don't know many people for that long? I know that this is going to be a challenge when I go to taiwan. Celebrating my first thanksgiving and christmas away from home will be difficult and I know that I will feel lonely and miss my family so much. Even thinking about it now, I get a little teary eyed.

But enough of the fanciful thinking. I'm here to talk about the last year. For the last couple of years, I know that I was in the same place. I was not growing and maturing much at all, and I questioned this. I sent out emails. I asked people, "have I changed much honestly?" Probably not the best way to go about in getting a honest opinion, but nonetheless, it was one of the only possibilities to get feedback. And inevitably, I would confirm that really, nothing has changed so much. I would still be working, getting raises, saving money, struggling with the same issues and sins, dealing with the same people, trying to get ahead in the rat race of work and finances, dreaming about financial independence so I could FINALLY do what I wanted to do (which I raelly didn't know what I really wanted to do, so in reality if this had happened, I would probably end up being a lazy man and sit around and do nothing) . But this year is different (for obvious reasons)

I look back at the day that I decided, which was July 31st, 2009 4pm. Since then, life has been turned upside down. I no longer have a income. (scary) I live in a small room that I am renting out, living outside of chicago for the first time since college (not counting missions trips) and finding new friends and adjusting to the prayer lifestyle. All difficult things.

But I love it.

I don't know how to put it, but I'm so....sure that this was the right decision. That my life is now on the right track. For so long, I have thought that my life was not "in harmony" and that was normal because you have to do things to live. (like work and have a job) But it felt so empty. I would find myself withdrawing and seeing everything as empty and meaningless. Like what is the point to work, work, work, only to save up money and get through the unexpected things of life? Is that it? you work so that you can live? no. This isn't what God has called us to. God has called us to a full life and I knew that I wasn't living it. Sure, you could look on the outside and see that I was heavily involved with my church as a small group leader, worship leader, etc, etc. But in reality I never was truly happy. I found that I was looking for satisfaction in relationships, work, ministry and I never could find it, because God was quietly but insistently calling me to the path that He has chosen for me. The longer I ignored the call, the worse it God for me. much like jonah.

So as I look back on 2009, I see the valley. The valley of despair and restlessness that preceded the rising path to the vista that God has shown me. So with a smile, I turn back to the path God has laid out and start walking. :)

Fear

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 17:03:00 +0000

Wow. another 6 months have passed since I've written. I'm part ashamed and part angry that I haven't been able to keep this blog up as much as I would have liked to. Part of it is all my preparation for my missions trip this january and all the newsletters, facebook messages and plain trying to keep up with everyone and renew friendships that I have neglected for the last couple of years.

Here at IHOP, where I am doing my training in the prayer room and the prayer ministry, I'm finding that something is changing within me. God is slowly starting to show me that my life is characterized by fear. Fear grips me at every turn in my life. Fear of rejection, fear of being known, fear of NOT being known, fear of being alone, fear of failure (which I've covered ad nauseum the past couple of years.) Because of this fear, I isolate myself. I let friendships decay and grow distant. Because of this fear, I withdraw from conversations and cannot share with others. Because of this fear, I find I cannot come to God whole. I cannot ever throw myself wholly into His presence or engage with Him wholly. I hold something back. I hold my dreams to be married back. I hold back my desires to have many kids. I hold back my body and looks when I come before the Lord. More and more, I sense God telling me that I need to loosen the grip that I have had on these deep deep desires to be loved and to gain approval in my Father's eyes.

The Long Return

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 16:00:00 +0000

Returning back to a blog that you haven't written in for nearly a year is similar to the feeling you get when you had a good friend that you haven't talked to in a year and suddenly are sitting in the same car on your way to church.

There is a familiarity to the whole situation, but at the same time, there is the unspoken question of, "what happened? We used to hang out all the time, and then nothing." And in reality, there wasn't anything that happened. Either I got tired of having to write, or I felt that I didn't have anything to say.

So why now? What is the catalyst for coming back to writing in a blog? Do I have something to say now? maybe. I think it's because I need the catharsis of writing online all these thoughts that are in my brain. So let's catch up on the last year.

1) I changed small groups
2) I have started swimming and yoga
3) I am now uncle to 6 nieces and nephews
4) Still going to the same church
5) Went skydiving
6) Went to Taiwan for a 2nd time
7) Still single
8) Going to Taiwan again
9) Fighting depression (or what I think is depression)

What is the most significant change? The most significant thing this past year is that...nothing has happened which is sad, I know. But things are going to change this year and even more next year!

wowzers

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 02:55:00 +0000

heck of a long time to stop blogging. Don't know why I dropped off the band wagon. It's probably similar to the phenomenon when you try to workout every day after not doing it for a while and you burn yourself out doing it.

So why come back? Why start up again?

A break.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 14:30:00 +0000

Well, it's been a while since I last posted. I have tried to post every day (weekday) but because of work, school, I've been averageing 5hrs of sleep a day. not good.

Reading in Hebrews 11, there is a verse there that says, "Moses considered the reproach of Christ as great reward." What is the reproach of Christ? Reproach is defined as "an expression of rebuke or disapproval" The disapproval of Christ is considered great reward? Should I consider the disapproval of Christ to be a great reward? why? The logical conclusion would be that getting Christ's disapproval or rebuke is desirable. I can see it as rebuke.

Small Group Joys

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 18:52:00 +0000

So small group last night was awesome. I loved it. we ended up doing a inductive bible study where we talked about what the passage of Jonah meant. Good insights from people and good discussions and conversations...we ended up pretty late and part of that is because we have more and more guys. so we may need to split up for accountability.

My lack of sleep is really getting to me. everything is in a haze a bit and it's like I'm living in a fog. It's going to take some time to get out of that king of fog I know, so I hope that things will start looking up this coming weekend. I have family coming in, which is going to be a lot of fun as I haven't seen S in a LONG time. :)

When getting 5 hours of sleep is a good thing

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:08:00 +0000

when getting 5 hours of sleep seems like an abudance of sleep, you realize you are in a busy time in your life. And that is where I am at right now. Papers, church, missions, work responsibilities have been piling up. it's time for the quarterly, "what am I doing?" reckoning where I decide which things need to stop and which things need to be fulfilled. At first I hated these moments, because this meant that I wasn't disciplined in what I should do with the time that I have right now. But I realize that for me, it's a normal thing and it's ok.

what are my responsibilities now?

planning 3 chicago cubs events
planning a connect sports event
taking a moody class
organizing a missions trip to taiwan
going to physical therapy
leading small group

and I've been thinking about adding more. yes, I have a job. ;) But I for some reason I feel that I should be able to accomplish the things on the list. Messed up eh? :)

Seattle Requiem

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 13:28:00 +0000

Being back from seattle gives me mixed feelings. one is the comfort and familiarity of home. Another is missingthe amazing weather that we had out in seattle. If seattle was marketing itself to us, it was doing a amazing job of it.

I ended up going to mars hill church in seattle, and the production quality was amazing. Marc was good as the teaching pastor, and overall it was good. I am so tired though, because I got home at 2am in the morning and had to wake up at 6am. ugh. I can't keep this up as I'm already starting to feel it, and it's only 8 in the morning!

I really shouldn't have gone on this seattle trip. I have a paper due on wed and I am so behind on it. in fact, tonight I have to try to write all about it tonight, and I haven't even finished the reading yet! between that and bible study, I don't know how I am going to get through the next couple of days.

Seattle!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 21:06:00 +0000

So I'm going to seattle with G. It'll be the first time we go on a trip together...it's interesting because in the 18 years that we've known each other, we've never taken a trip together. I'm a little worried...our friendship has changed over the years, but it's been good and I have precious few friends that I have had for this long. we've gone through a number of relationships started and broken, a marriage, divorce, and who knows how many restaurants...yet this is the first time we are doing something extended together. scary.

I don't know how I am going to find seattle...I have been entertaining more and more the possibility of moving (taiwan, anywhere out of chicago) and it seems exciting to me. could it be because I am running away from the ho hum existence I have here in chicago? That I may find the answer in moving to a different place with a different vibe? I am not sure. But it's just where I am at in life. I would miss the kids though, for sure...
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