originally posted (2/2103)

There are people who will insert themselves onto various aspects of your life script, e.g., they want to be involved in whatever you’re doing, even if you don’t want or need their input. Rebecca had a college roommate, Roxie, who is a classic page hog. She had to comment and weigh in on everything, whether or not she was asked for her opinion. She eavesdropped on phone conversations, constantly bombarded Rebecca with text messages, stalked her on Facebook and pried into every detail of her life. It was annoying, distracting, draining and uncomfortable for Rebecca and her friends to be around Roxie. She managed to position herself to be included in all of their plans, but she page-hogged everyone and wasn’t fun to be around.

We all have experienced another type of page hog – friends, family and coworkers who think their advice is just what you need and take every opportunity to bombard you with their views.  Annie’s brother, Max, was always wanting something from Annie – advice, a quick $5 or to be fixed up with one of her friends. The problem was Max always thought that Annie wanted HIS advice and to be fixed up with his friends. Nothing could have been further from the truth, but Max was persistent. He gave Annie his opinion about everything, from what she wore to where she was going and with whom.  It’s not always easy to tell siblings they are being page hogs, but enough was enough. Annie was frustrated and didn’t know if there was a right way to handle the situation.

Setting Page Limits

What can you do about people like Roxie and Max? You may have to write your script around them. In other words, you need to create “page limits” for page hogs so they can’t encroach on your script. Many times it may involve venting with a friend or other tactics to minimize the impact. In extreme cases it may be necessary to confront the problem person and either renegotiate your relationship or eliminate the problem person from your cast of characters.

(originally posted 2/2013)

This expression was at the front of my mind this week when I ran into a woman I worked with at my first company after graduate school, over thirty years ago.  We have run into each other every once in a while and have followed each others careers and families from afar.

When she asked what I was up to, I talked about The Leading Women Project and my sense that after a career of managing production facilities in a variety of largely male dominated industries, it is time for me to help women move along.  She looked at me strangely, smiled and then commented that I had not changed at all. I had talked about women and equity with passion early in my career also.

While I worked my executive career and raised three children, I mostly focused on my own roles and lost sight of the big picture and the overall landscape for women.  I felt that we baby boomer women would change the world by being good in our own roles. But, if I thought we had achieved out goals, I only had to read weekend news stories to get depressed all over again.

The nation’s governors have gathered in DC this week and the gathering includes only 5 women.  Politico’s analysis was pretty gloomy.  When I started work after graduate school, there was one women governor—Ella Grasso from Connecticut—and she was the first woman elected to this role who did not succeed her husband.  Five is better than one, but it has been thirty years.  At this rate, it will be at least the end of the current century before we achieve equity.

Many mortgage lenders are being investigated for discriminating against pregnant women.  They will not issue mortgages to them for feat that they will not return to work after giving birth. When I was pregnant with my first child, I was considered for a promotion but was told that it was not the best time to think about this;  I may not come back to work once I gave birth.  That child is now 29 and little has changed.

Catalyst recently reported that there were no real increases for women in Financial Post 500 senior officer or top Earner ranks over the last couple years.  Women hold only 18% of the senior roles in these companies.  When I graduated from business school, 23% of my class was women and the numbers have continued to increase, filling the pipeline.  Progress is painfully slow.

So if I sound the same as I did over thirty years ago or if I sound strident about my beliefs, or if I feel that it is time for real change, I have reasons.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *          

“Much more theoretical attention has been paid to the barriers to women’s advancement than to how women may overcome them,” writes Hannah Riley Bowles, senior lecturer in public policy at Harvard Kennedy School.

In a new paper, “Claiming Authority: How Women Explain Their Ascent to Top Business Leadership Positions,” Bowles reports on extensive interviews conducted with women who had reached the highest levels of business. From their stories of success (though that success is always hard-won) she derives a new theory on women and leadership — a theory that revolves around the use of what Bowles describes as “pioneering” and “navigating” narratives, and women’s ability to revise those narratives.

The current narrative about gender and leadership is dominated by images of the “glass ceiling” and, more recently, the “labyrinth,” Bowles writes. But she looks in a different direction: at women who managed to break through those obstacles. Starting from the understanding that the essence of authority — and hence of top leadership positions — is the recognition of “one’s exercise of power as legitimate,” Bowles sought out women who had established “the legitimacy to claim authority in the highest reaches of the business hierarchy.”

“By studying women who have already achieved top leadership positions,” Bowles writes, “we can infer that their stories are ones that have successfully sold others on the legitimacy of their authority claims.”

“Career stories provide insight into how institutionalized career scripts shape individuals’ aspirations, actions, and interactions, but they also provide a window into how individuals reinterpret and improvise from the standard plot,” she writes. “Career stories are also insightful because they are inherently social, constructed in anticipation of an audience and through direct conversations. As such, career stories have the potential to shape collective interpretations of the available career scripts. Stories of disloyalty to the standard plot carry the spores of institutional reproduction, because they germinate through their telling and retelling in the collective conception of the social order.”

For her research, Bowles interviewed 50 women in positions of senior leadership — such as CEO, president, and chief financial officer — both in major corporations and in entrepreneurial enterprises. As she analyzed the interviews, she began to notice two distinct ways of accounting for their claims to leadership, which she labeled “navigating” and “pioneering.”

“Navigating is a metaphor for accounts in which women explained their ascent to top leadership as a journey from position to position, following institutionalized career paths,” Bowles writes. “Pioneering is a metaphor for accounts in which women explain their ascent in terms of a novel strategic vision around which they developed collective support and followers.”

(The methods were not neatly divided between women working in corporate environments and those in entrepreneurial enterprises: Pioneering narratives were used by 16 out of 25 women in the latter, but also by a significant minority, 6 out of 25, in corporations.)

In navigating narratives, women worked toward a desired position by demonstrating their qualifications through “institutionalized rules of career advancement” and by advocating for themselves with the “gatekeepers of career advancement.”

“In pioneering accounts, the aspirant articulates a novel strategic direction in which she would like to lead her current or a new organization,” Bowles writes. “The legitimization of authority claims involves building a community of supporters and followers of her strategic vision and leadership.”

When women failed to claim their authority through these narratives, they would “work to revise or replace unsuccessful accounts.” Sometimes this would be a matter of simple revision, sometimes an opportunity to shift from navigating to pioneering, or vice versa.

The research suggests new avenues for exploration, Bowles argues. For example, self-advocacy was a dominant theme in many of the interviewees’ narratives. But that seems to contradict much of current thinking on gender and the workplace, which holds that self-promotion by women is seen as going against the accepted stereotype of female behavior and triggers a backlash.

Bowles also wonders whether the advocacy for strategic business ideas presented in pioneering narratives allows women greater success by freeing them from the constraints of self-promotion.

— by Robert O’Neill

Learning how to filter your critic’s input and put downs in a way that allows a positive outcome requires practice, whether the critic is someone you admire, a colleague, a stranger or even the most powerful critic – you. It’s not easy to be blamed, reproached or put down. You have to assess whether their words are meant to hurt you or help you. Some critics are malicious manipulators.

Working Through Criticism

I once had a coworker, Greg, who thrived on inflicting pain and chaos by saying false things about others to cover up for his own shoddy work. We were working together on a high profile project and encountered an unexpected and untimely delay. I was stunned to hear that Greg had spoken to my boss and accused me of a bad decision that caused the delay of a project, when he had been the only one who had authority to operate the equipment in question. Fortunately, my boss trusted me and had seen this conniver in action previously. I learned that when you do good work there may be others who want to see you put down, so you don’t pass them up. Greg demonstrated the only way he thought he would excel at work was through deception and putting colleagues down.

Friendly Fire

Other critics are motivated by being so familiar with and caring for a person, they can feel it is their place to be helpful or comfortable about pointing out your flaws. I used to bite my nails down to the quick and resented when friends felt like they needed to point out how awful they looked.  Most of us know our flaws and don’t need, and can even resent, when others point them out.

Even when comments and actions are hurtful or mean-spirited, there can be a morsel of truth in them that can be used to your benefit.  Critics, even snarky ones, can be helpful, but trying to see things with clear eyes and pick out the helpful part can be difficult, but it’s worth trying.

Problem Solve, Not Criticize

It’s easy to be a critic, but hard to be on the receiving end. Next time you start to criticize someone, stop. Put yourself in the other person’s position and think about what you would want to hear. Tina Fey put it best in her book, Bossypants:  “Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.”

I spent the last weekend celebrating the marriage of two wonderful people, having known the groom all of his life and watched him grow into an incredibly smart, funny and genuinely nice person. His older brother – a talented musician and sensitive soul – was married 6 months ago, giving our group of friends an opportunity of double celebrations in a short time.

However, it is sobering to reflect on the state of marriage, at a time when divorce rates in the U.S. hoover close to 50% and the probability that 43% of first marriages in the U.S. end within 15 years, especially in light of attending two weddings in recent months. I don’t want to think that either will become victim to these statistics.

Marriage Calculator

I enjoy sifting through data and was intrigued by a so-called marriage calculator that predicts the odds that your marriage will last. Admittedly, this is a very broad and generic sort of calculator, but it piqued my interest. I plugged in my information and was comforted to learn that only 27% of people with similar backgrounds have already divorced.  However, it’s hard to find joy in my long-term marriage when I know many have had to endure divorce through no fault of their own.

As I enjoyed the recent wedding celebration, I remarked that it was rather amazing that our group of friends seem to be bucking the trend and staying married. I did a quick calculation to compare with the national numbers. The collective divorce rate of our friend group is close to 15%, a significant deviation from the norm, but, why? This particular circle of friends is comprised people who go back as far as elementary school and their spouses – a group of lifetime pals who have remained close over the years. I haven’t ever seen a “friend calculator” but am guessing that it’s somewhat unusual for a group to remain connected for decades.

Friends & Big Rocks

Digging deeper, I talked with these friends to help identify reasons that might explain how our group has beaten the odds, dipping way below the divorce calculator figures. One theme that kept coming up is the strong, persistent and supportive relationships we’ve cultivated as individuals, partners and a group over the years. Could it be related to the big rock theory as it relates to relationships, as our friend-coach likes to remind the group? If you take a glass jar and put a big rock inside, you can still put lots of little pebbles in before reaching the top. But, if you put the same pebbles in the jar at the beginning, you won’t be able to fit the big rock into the jar. The bottom line is that you need to put the most important things – or, the big rocks – in first. Our close-knit group places high value on relationships and demonstrates a resilient interconnectedness. I believe we’ve established a big rock in the bottom of the jar.

No Guarantees

What’s causing the divorce rate to remain high is likely a combination of interrelated and unrelated factors: a partner breaking the trust, one or both may not be willing or prepared to work through the tough times, not having access to support networks and role models, accepting the limitations of relationships, wanting different things on different terms.

Technology has made communications, staying in touch and reconnecting easier versus 10-20 years ago, but deep, meaningful relationships take work and commitment. Marriage vows are the beginning. The road can be bumpy and there are no guarantees, even when you do everything the best you can. Putting the most important things first – the big rocks – can only help your odds. Good luck to my newly married friends. Find your big rocks and take good care.

April 9 is National Fair Pay Day as designated by Presidential Proclamation.  One Tuesday in April is designated to indicate the pay gap between men and women.  Simply put, with women only earning 77 cents to every dollar for men, we work one day (Monday) free each week.  Read more about this holiday at:  http://www.pay-equity.org/day.html.

The Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009 was named for a woman who after working for Goodyear rubber in Alabama for many years as a supervisor discovered that she was paid substantially below all of the men, even those with many fewer years of seniority.  This affected not only her immediate pay but also her retirement benefits which were based on pay. She sued Goodyear for back pay and the case went all the way to the US Supreme Court.  Lily lost on a technicality—the previous pay equity acts required a complainant to file her claim with 6 months of the pay issue.  But due to the usually secrecy around pay, Lily did not know about the issue until many years later.  The 2009 Act eliminated this time requirement.

LWP Janet and I had the pleasure of meeting Lilly Ledbetter and I had dinner with her at a Women’s Campaign Fund event in 2012 . This picture of the two of us reminds me of the struggle for equity.

The American Association of University Women just published a superb study of this issue and dispelled many myths.   http://www.aauw.org/resource/the-simple-truth-about-the-gender-pay-gap/  They did a clear analysis of the amount of the discrepancy that is due to choices made about profession and working hours and the amount that is due to unknown factors…and the issue is real.

The Lily Ledbetter Act fixed some of the problem by taking away the time limit for filing complaints but more is needed.  The Paycheck Fairness ACT which would eliminate many of the current loopholes in the present laws, give the Department of Labor tools for ensuring compliance, and protect against retaliation for discussing salaries with colleagues.  This Act (Senate Bill 84) has twice been defeated by the Senate on procedural grounds and is once again before the Senate Committee on Health Education, Labor and Pensions with 43 Senators signed on as co-sponsors.

This affects all women and deserves your attention.  The photo of Lily and I together reminds me of the strength of so many women who fought for me to have a good career.  And, how far we have yet to go.

In any given day or week, you will transition between multiple roles that may include daughter, student, advisor, athlete, colleague, parent, friend, romantic partner. Each role can be dynamic, yet distinct, and effectively moving between our various ‘characters’ may  come naturally for some; less so for others.  The way you use language and the ability to alternate how you talk with different people is referred to as code switching in linguistics.

Code switching describes how people adjust the way they speak and the words they use with people depending on circumstances. Think about the differences in how you talk with friends, teachers, co-workers and family members, such as the degree of formality/informality and familiarity in your exchanges. When I would go to the beach with friends for a weekend, I would go into much less detail with my parents and co-workers about what went on compared to what I told my buddies. Not only are the words you use different, but your demeanor, body language and engagement also change with the situation. With practice, most of do this without thinking about it. These skills are honed over time.

Being able to transition – or code switch – is an art and it’s clear when you stumble. Imagine being in a job interview and talking casually as though you’re having a beer with a friend — slouched/a bit too relaxed in your chair and too familiar. Even if you’re interviewing with a start up, there are social cues that are expected. Your ability to code switch is visible to the outside world.

Playing a variety of roles can be exhausting, particularly when the roles seem so separate and distinct. And, inevitably, the way you interact with others will change with the situation. Code switching helps us go from Student Jane to Workout Rebecca as quickly as you go from Daughter Emily to Party Katie to Working Lauren. Be intentional as you move from one character to another. Code switching is your friend.

………… Necessary, but Not Sufficient

I have been fully prepared not to like Sheryl Sandberg’s book, Lean In.  The Facebook COO is beautiful, privileged, brilliant, successful (career, husband, children) and incredibly wealthy.  The hype around the book has been that women are holding themselves back from complete success.  They need to “lean in” and fully commit to making their careers and their lives happen. All of the press has been about the presumption that this means that we are not working hard enough and lack of equity is our own fault. Ugh.

I have not brought myself to reading this book yet, but I am somewhat inspired to do so after reading Ann Marie Slaughter’s review of the book in Sunday’s New York Times  and watching Sandberg on 60 minutes.

Empowering Yourself

In her book, Sandberg encourages women to monitor their own success, challenge their motives and make good decisions about priorities.  At LWP, we refer to this as self leadership.  Knowing yourself and your value and pushing for success are all parts of this. These are absolutely necessary for success.

Companies Continue to Lag Behind

But many women accomplish these things.  And, certainly enough women push ahead with focus and drive that we should see greater numbers of corporate CEOs or Board directors than 16%.  My conclusion is that these things are necessary for success but not sufficient for women to achieve equity.

It is also necessary for corporations to examine themselves, understand the benefits of having a diverse organization in terms of understanding customers and stakeholders, and provide an atmosphere for non-traditional candidates to succeed.

This is both necessary and sufficient.

Just thinking about romance, it’s easy to envision long strolls, flirtatious phone calls and all the couples’ sorts of things. Deciding how a romantic partner impacts your other relationships is easily overlooked until it’s too late.

Dynamic Duos

Emily and Rebecca had been friends since they met in elementary school. They played together as girls, experimented with makeup and various hobbies as pre-teens and enjoyed a friendly competition in school, seeing who could score highest on tests. They were part of a larger group of girl friends, and lived down the street from each other. Most days you could find them at one or the other’s house. Their friends knew them as “the dynamic duo” – always planning something as a twosome or for the group.

One is a Lonely Number

When Emily started dating Jeff, suddenly, everything changed. Emily spent most of her time with Jeff, leaving little time to be with Rebecca or the rest of the group. When she did manage to squeeze them into her schedule, Emily constantly talked about her boyfriend. Emily isolated herself from the group, leaving a huge void in Rebecca’s life. Rebecca understood that when you become a couple it leaves less time for other friends, but she felt abandoned by Emily.

As Emily went from one boyfriend to another, the pattern continued. It didn’t take long for Rebecca and the group to grow tired of being second choice friends. Emily was so in love with being in love, she didn’t seem to notice that she was no longer part of the group.

Making Time

Romantic relationships are special. Putting your romantic partner first is fine, but if it means abandoning your friends, you should think hard about whether this is what you really want to happen. It’s a balancing act, for sure. The key is to be intentional. Think about it – we all make time for the people and things we want in our lives.