College Conversations

I have been reflecting on my college experiences as a result of some poignant conversations with students. In the past few weeks, I’ve talked with several students about various academic dilemma’s: I haven’t declared a major. I just declared a major (as a junior) and now I’m 3 years behind. I don’t know if I want to stay in grad school and finish a Ph.D. or settle for a Masters. Why does everyone else know exactly what they want to do since high school?

The stress is evident in their faces and voices. Each of these students is smart, talented and motivated, but within a short time, it becomes clear that their struggle has a lot to do with what other people expect. Parents are pressuring them and it seems that all of their peers have locked into a path – many of them knew back in high school what they wanted to do after college. That’s the point I tell them the story about parent orientation at UNC, when they asked parents whether their incoming freshman daughter/son had already selected a major. The hands flew up quickly and many took on a arrogant affect  – so proud that little Susie or Johnny knew their major. But, the facilitator quickly burst their bubble, telling them that students who “know” what they want to pursue as incoming freshman, typically change majors 5-6 times; those entering as “undeclared” only change 1-3 times.

Why the Rush?

These days, there seems to be a rush to declare a major or decide your career path by the time you finish high school. The pressure mounts in college and one can feel like they’re the only one without clear direction. But, the truth is, you’re not alone. An informal survey reveals that many will say they have a defined path, when that’s not the case. They simply want to fit in and not be an outlier.

Making decisions about majors, careers and aspiration are important. It’s good to think about options and even try them out by taking classes, internships and shadowing. However, college should be viewed as a way to take academic risks and venture beyond your traditional thinking in order to expand the possibilities for your future.

It’s Okay to Take Your Time

I didn’t have any idea what I want to do “when I grew up” until I took an elective my junior year of college that seemed to blend many of my interests into one nice package.  I didn’t have any idea how this translated into a career or job, but I had found something I wanted to pursue. The decision was easy and there wasn’t any pressure. It all made sense to me and I was on my way. When I relayed my story to the students, each appeared relieved and told me they wish someone had told them in high school that it’s okay to take time to explore options and decide. College is a wonderful opportunity to learn not only about academic subjects, but also discover much about yourself, your dreams, your passions.

• Supportive, doting parents
• Engaging challenging, yet loving teachers
• Helpful, constructive troop leaders, religious fellows and other professionals
• Mentoring, coaching, sponsoring bosses.

Yes, all of these things would make for a marvelous life and provide positive examples at all phases of your development.  However, we cannot pick most of these people as they move through our lives.  And the ones we do get may not exhibit the behaviors of story books—think Cinderella or Harry Potter.

Did Cinderella emulate the wicked step mother or step sisters?  Did Harry think that he had to behave like a Dursley  (his non-magical aunt & uncle) to succeed in life?

The Best of the Worst

Sometimes our best instructors exhibit the worst behaviors.  They show us what not to do.

I often refer to my model as the “because of / in spite of model”. There were things I did as a parent which emulated my own parents as they were behaviors that I thought had provided a positive   influence on my life.  There were also things my own parents did which I swore I would never do as a parent. My record is not entirely clean on this one, but I tried to be conscious of both positive and negative role models.

This model works well in the business world.  I had a few bosses who exhibited behaviors which I found inspirational and brought out the best in me and in teams.  But I had many bosses who were less than excellent role models and I had a couple who were just plain awful human beings.  When I worked for these men, I considered that part of my role was to insulate my direct reports from the moods and bad direction I was receiving.  When I was not working for them any longer, I made sure that I used them as mirror images of the type of leader I wanted to be.  Occasionally, I found words coming out of my mouth that were more like my negative models than I would have liked.  When I caught myself I would apologize and then mentally swear not to do this again.

Remember you can learn as much from negative influences as the positive ones.  The important thing for me was not to blindly follow others’ behaviors.  Rather, it was important to analyze people all around me to find positive role models and my right path.

Everyone’s a Winner

The rush to join the self-esteem movement wasn’t embraced by everyone. My husband insisted that the trophies were overkill and sent the wrong message; giving an award for just showing up marginalized it for everyone. Just as the carnival hawker shouts “Everyone is a winner”, you quickly surmise that they’re giving out the equivalent of a cheap trinket to all players, but very few win the big stuffed animal.

What do all these trophies have to do with self-confidence? By inflating everyone’s every move as worthy of a trophy, we’ve raised a generation where many expect constant recognition for everything they do, breeding disappointment when rewards and the big prize, such as the dream job, don’t come easily. At the other end of the spectrum, it can lead people to question whether they ever deserved any of the rewards they received.

Esteem or Confidence?

Self-esteem refers to ones sense of personal worth, and is influenced by other people telling you how great and talented you are in words and actions. Self-confidence is ones sense of their skills/abilities and belief in them to accomplish things. Building self-esteem isn’t a bad thing, but it cannot be a substitute for building one’s self-confidence. The problem is that the force-fed self-esteem tactics don’t provide a realistic view of how to develop a true sense of self and self-confidence.

The ways that girls are frequently complimented more on how they look, express themselves and include others are exemplifies how self-esteem is both conveyed and perceived by girls. This isn’t a bad thing, but it doesn’t translate into developing self-confidence. Take a look at the impact of how the media portray women. Media images of women and models perpetuate unrealistic “ideals” that can lead to body image issues and eating disorders, impacting self-esteem. However, someone who is more self-confident is less likely to feel compelled to match these ideals.

Confident(ially)

Self-confidence is something each of us develops by defining who we are, continually improving ourselves and overcoming obstacles. Typically, one will have high self-confidence in some areas and not in others. For example, I am extremely comfortable talking in front of any size audience, but still endeavor to compose consistently successful grant proposals. Believing that you can accomplish what you set out to do coupled with the request technical skills will take you a long way to achieve self-confidence.

While I am confident in many areas, I am not immune from pressures about physical appearance. I still find myself looking in the mirror, wondering if I look good enough. Usually, I shrug and remind myself that I’m the one that I have to please, smile, and go on my way.

Maintaining balance between all of your roles seems to be the great nirvana.: work, family, friends, health, love, hobbies and on and on.  We want them all and beat ourselves up if we are not working in all spheres at the same time.

We want it all. But what if that just is not possible?  What if there are just too many demands and not enough hours?

Can You Have It All?

I have come to believe that you can have it all, but probably not at the same time.  We can lead well-balanced lives in totality but at any one time, you may be leading a very lopsided existence.  And, it may just have to be that way.  Be deliberate and know what you have, where you need to spend your time and make conscious decisions.

At one point, I was a single parent with three children at home.  And I had a very busy career that required travel and long hours.  For many years that was about all I had in my life.  My parents used to laugh that they only talked to me while I was in my car.  Multi-tasking was my middle name and this was the only time I had for conversations.  Many friends saw me or talked with me even less.  Children and career had to be my priorities at this point in my life.  I knew I was lopsided, but it was right.

Making Choices

I know women who have made other choices in their lives.  They tried to add more facets to their very busy existences. I knew, however, that if I tried to do this something more important would suffer.  I had enough guilt on all sides already. My children already felt that I was not home enough.  I did not take all of the trips or attend all of the work meetings my job required.  Add something else? Too hard and not the right priority.

My children grew up, moved away and I left full time employment.  Now the division of my time looks very different.  I have time for exercise and friends and reading and thinking great thoughts.  I travel with friends and philanthropies.  I coach and mentor friends and acquaintances and make time for people I want to see.  I can do that because the other demands in my life are in better control.

It’s All About Balance

The balance is very different.  And when I look at the totality of my life so far and the allocations of my time right now, I can see a much less lopsided existence.  I am moving towards balance across my whole lifetime.

And, that is good.

Is balance something you think about or worry about?  Is it a short term or a long one for you? How do you make your decisions?

Over the course of my long career I have seen many women hit the glass ceiling and they are always surprised.  They have been promoted, treated well and told that they were on the fast track.  And then, somehow and for some reason, they do not break through to the next level.

Why Women aren’t Moving Up

Not ready?  Needing more skills? I never bought into these answers.  I have often suspected that there was something mysterious going on in those high level meetings.  The women could be good enough for most positions.  But the men in charge who were making the final decisions did not promote the women. Excuses were always given, but they did not ring true.

I have long suspected that it had to do with the egos of the decision makers.  They had reached the loftiest heights through a particular combination of experience and personal skills and looked to hire someone just like them.  A clone or mini-me. This was just my cynical conjecture.

Mystery Solved

I recently heard, however, that Admiral Mike Mullen had discussed this point as he examined promotion practices in the US Navy.  In a military strategy speech at Ft Leavenworth in 2010, he is quoted as saying:

… I am struck [by the lack of variability in promotions] – so when those individuals come before a promotion board, here’s how promotion boards work:  I call it ducks picking ducks.  And if your record comes up and there are ducks in the room and you’re not a duck, you don’t get promoted.

Getting Past the Quaking

Wow!  So clearly stated!  No matter how good the record of a particular officer, if he or she came up before a promotion board and had a service background different than the members of the board, they would not get promoted.

We all have our own skill sets and ways of managing and leading groups.  And we know that success can come in many ways. But the folks managing promotions in many companies will let difference only go so far.  The ducks are looking for other ducks.

Changing the Landscape

How do we get past this?  First, by recognizing this phenomenon.  We need at least three women on all corporate Boards of Directors.  Research shows that we need at least three women on a board before they feel fully comfortable.  Clearly with fewer than three, they feel they have to pretend to be ducks. And, we need to call out the ducks for hiring from their own breed.

I do not want to be a duck.  I want to be recognized for being an effective swan or turkey or maybe that takes the metaphor too far. Birds of a feather flock together but diverse aviaries are good for the long term!

Most of us think of spring as time to tell winter goodbye, welcome the warmer weather and get ready for the summer months. At the first sign of spring I embrace – and anxiously await – the change from the black & white & grey of winter for the Technicolor months ahead. Hibernation is over. The newness is invigorating. I vow to start shaving my legs religiously and reinstate bikini waxes. It’s time to find the razor.

Organizing Chaos

The arrival of spring traditionally signals a cleaning mania: organizing closets, washing patio furniture and sprucing up ourselves and our surroundings. Most spring cleaning checklists focus on visual components: “I should organize my closet so it is easier to find things” “Maybe it’s time to do something different with my hair” “I bet that wall would look great if I paint it a different color.” “I should grow some flowers/herbs this year.”

A Personal Spring Cleaning

angelabrook.com

Just as Halloween is the annual reminder to replace your fire alarm batteries spring is an opportunity that should prompt us to look beyond our closets and mirrors to re-evaluate ourselves and make new adjustments. Months have passed since New Year resolutions were made and spring offers a fresh page for making changes and choices. You can still update your wardrobe and freshen your look, but consider engaging in a deeper ‘personal spring cleaning’.

Take time to proactively decide on what’s you want to include in your life. It’s so easy to take on too much, always saying ‘yes’ to people. I’ve been actively working on how to say no over the past few years. It’s easy to get caught up in the daily grind and fulfilling obligations, leaving little time to read a good book, get together with friends or pursue a passion. Make the time. You can do it. Too busy? Make a list of what’s occupying your time and make some tough decisions about what needs to come off the list. Clean out your personal closet and make room for what you want in your life.

From the ashes of clutter

This spring, I’ve been working on getting rid of the clutter in my life so I can focus more on things that matter to me. I’ve always been interested politics, but always from a distance. I read about candidate, learn the issues and always vote. As a result of my personal spring cleaning, I’ve decided that I want to do something to counteract the new voter registration laws that several states have enacted, which are expected to result in millions of voters, especially minorities, poor, and seniors not being allowed to cast a vote in this years election. Just like cleaning a closet, I had to take some old things out of the closet to make room for this project.

Take advantage of spring to take a personal inventory and make conscious decisions about what you’re doing. Say yes to what matters to you. Learn to say no to things that aren’t as important. Reinvigorate yourself.  Make decisions that reflect who you want to be. Do your own spring cleaning, then step out into the fresh air.

Voting is a very personal thing.  Individually we have issues we do not know enough about to care and those which are our personal litmus tests.  For example, when debating between two candidates who seem to each have pluses and minuses, I have a friend who uses taxes as the tie breaker.  Who will cost her less in taxes?  I may not agree, but I understand her algorithm.

Let’s Elect Women

I do have strong opinions on a number of key debates and have been getting more involved in a number of political issues.  My real passion these days is getting more women elected to public office.  I do not agree with all women on all issues, but I do believe—based on my business experience, readings and personal beliefs–that more women in office will change the tone of the public dialogue.

I am now on the board of the Women’s Campaign Fund, a national organization seeking to get more women of both parties elected to public office.  I like the other board members and the people in the organization and I believe in the cause. This is truly my passion but what is yours?

Your hot buttons

You are busy in your everyday life.  School, work, family and friends all may seem more important than paying attention to the endless campaigns or the stalemates in Washington, the protests in Madison or the special ballot measures in Mississippi. However, all of these arenas affect you.

Out of college and still on your parent’s health insurance? Thank the Affordable Care Act that you are not paying $500 a month for your own insurance.  Have a medical issue where an insurance company is sure to have to pay a large amount?  Thank the same act for keeping your pre-existing condition out of the discussion. This law is currently being appealed to the U .S. Supreme Court and is a hot topic on the campaign trail.

Social Security and Medicare are also hot issues.  Those of us in our 50’s and beyond like knowing that the funds we have paid into for years will be there for us when we want to tap into them.  But will the retirement of us Baby Boomers mean the death of the programs for our children?  How do we view these programs and who controls the decisions?

No Easy Answers

These issues and many others are being decided for you, by elected politicians.  They affect your life whether you want to stick your head in the sand or not.  There are commonalities among many politicians but there are also differences.  Pay attention.  If you do not understand the issues and end up voting for the candidates not aligned with your positions, you can bet that someone else will.  And, you may not like the answers.

Learn about the issues and vote.

Dr. Jennifer Lawless

“Women, even at the highest levels of professional accomplishment, are significantly less likely than men to demonstrate ambition to run for elective office. –Women are less likely than men to be recruited to run for office. –Women are less likely than men to consider themselves “qualified” to run for office. –Women are less likely than men to express a willingness to run for a future office.”  Dr. Jennifer Lawless provided details in her excellent book: It Takes a Candidate.

This phenomenon holds true in politics, business and many other arenas.  As a rule, we do not push for promotions or stretch assignments as we are concerned about our qualifications.  If we cannot check all of the boxes on a job application, we deem ourselves “not yet ready’.

Some Inspiration

Cecile Richards

I am in awe of Cecile Richards, the dynamic crusader for women’s health who leads Planned Parenthood.  She is the daughter of former Texas Governor Ann Richards and she credits her mom with this excellent bit of advice:

My mom used to say that as women we keep thinking we’re going to be perfect…Our kids are going to be the exact right age [to go for a job].  We’re going to have the right suit.  We will have gotten the exact degree we need.  And the job will be the one that is just at our level and not too much more.  Or we think someone is going to come to us and say “I’ve looked at your resume, I’ve looked at all the things you’ve done, and I think you are the perfect person for this opportunity.” But it doesn’t happen. 

Gov. Ann Richards

So she always said to me, “If a new opportunity comes, you just have to take it.” I think in my day-to-day life I try to channel a little bit of Ann in that.  I think my

failures are when I don’t  just say, Look, I can’t get 100 but if I could probably get in the high 80’s, so that’s enough to just go—whether it is meeting with the administration or testifying or going on TV”         [From www.thenation.com March 7 issue]

Think about this.  I have seen many women be passed over for positions that went to less qualified men because they did not go all out for the job.  Sure sometimes the decision maker goes with the male candidate “just because” but it is also due to this position that unless we feel 100%, we hold back.

Stop Doing This

Channel Ann Richards.  Stick this quote on your bathroom mirror or inside your desk drawer or wherever you will see it for private inspiration.  Put yourself out there.  You will be rewarded and you will know that you tried.

I have long felt the need to integrate a sense of ‘me’ into my whole life.  For many years I worked long hours running pharmaceutical production facilities and power plants.  And, I was the single mother to three wonderful, but demanding, offspring.  How did I get everything done?

First, my children might question that I did get everything done.  My normal response to that question was to laughingly say that I do work at home and home at work.  I called teachers and doctors and planned Girl Scout meetings from work and was always available for a teary child. I answered work voice mails or emails and read memos at home.

More importantly, I used the same skills and personality at both home and work.  I know of people who claimed different personalities for home and work but not me.

Two recent books have made strong points that clarify this position for me.  In The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg gives great examples of practicing the same behaviors consistently at work.  Whether you want to change personal behaviors (exercise or diet, anyone?) or work cultures, it is important to be consistent and very redundant.  My favorite example is the story of Paul O’Neill as the new CEO at Alcoa.  He talked about safety and personal performance at a time when other CEOs were talking only about cost cutting.  And the habit of thinking about safety drove the organization to better performance as all of leadership worked to understand processes.  Importantly, he punished bad behaviors. Read the review for more details.

Leadership Model / Life Model

My new favorite leadership book is Take the Lead by Betsy Myers. In this book Ms. Myers explores the “emergence of a new leadership model where having all the answers up front is less important than asking the right questions, where strength is derived less from the power you wield than from how you make the people around you feel.”  This model inspires people to be great as opposed to bullying them or bribing them to acceptable levels.

What is the key to achieving this nirvana of leadership?  The book goes into details on the need for authenticity, connection, respect, clarity, collaboration, learning and courage.  These skills and practices are important for organizations and for families.

Is it any wonder, however, that people I worked with would call me “Mom”?  I was the same at home and at work.

Share your stories. Do you have the same or different ways of using your skills in various situations?

Time to Model Good Behavior

I’ve been enjoying this year’s selection of SXSW film festival selections, many of which effectively focus on issues facing girls and women around the world. One movie, GIRL MODEL, portrays how Russian girls, as young as 12, are recruited to be models in Japan. Their families are promised thousands of dollars through assured modeling gigs. When 13 year old Nadya arrives in Japan, no one meets her at the airport and she is essentially left on her own to navigate a strange, new world. After several weeks and a single photo shoot, she is sent back to Siberia. Her family is never paid and Nadya is told that she is $2,000 in debt from her stay in Japan.

When an the Russian agency head is interviewed, he justifies the unregulated operation saying that he is looking out for the girl models, Japan is safe for these girls and what a wonderful opportunity this brings to the girls and their families. The film reveals the opposite. It shows how the girls are left to fend on their own, housed in tiny apartments; unable to speak the language, no money, homesick, depressed and disillusioned.

Changing the Dynamic

The model-export industry has been around for years, but there is little being done to legislate the industry to protect young girls and women from abuse. The people running the agencies clearly know they are misrepresenting the reality and the financially strapped, naive girls and their families. Is it simply greed coupled with exploitation? Where does the buy-in and turning the blind eye start, and why is it tolerated?

While it may not on the same scale, any form of inappropriate treatment of girls and women — whether at work, politics, home or with peers – can too easily fall into the realm of being tolerated, even when it’s clearly out of line.

“Slutgate” Opened the Floodgate

Last weeks attack by Rush Limbaugh on Sandra Fluke and Tracie McMillan was appalling and inappropriate.  His vulgar and false characterizations created an unlikely alignment of many progressives, moderates and conservatives who are repulsed by his comments that seems to be based on the fact that Fluke and McMillan are smart, educated women who speak out. Bravo to the multitude of companies who pulled their ads (45 and counting) and monetary support from his show. Yet, there were public figures, including Mitt Romney, who chose not to criticize Limbaugh. Instead of seizing an opportunity to squelch the vulgar rhetoric, Romney chose to side step the topic.  It’s unclear whether he agrees with Limbaugh, he fears Rush-revenge or he is influenced by the income generated from a deal where Bain, his former company, bought Clear Channel, Limbaugh’s employer. In any case, this sends a message of tolerating bad behavior that has a negative impact on women.

Rebounding

There isn’t a single approach to deal with physical, mental and verbal abuse and /or manipulation. It is clear that people need to be informed, create support networks and be willing to call out and stand up to the bullies. It takes courage to challenge bad behavior, whether an active or passive approach is employed. It can be a difficult route to take with unpredictable outcomes. The alternative is to do nothing – but, nothing will ever change. Learning to lead yourself in these difficult situations not only empowers you but also those around you. It’s time for us all to rebound and get in the game.

How can men and women work to change this dynamic and put an end to tolerating bad behavior? What are your stories? How should these situations be handled?