Sapphire

I have thought about scripts as being personal but had reason to rethink this assumption when I heard the author, Sapphire, speak last year. She wrote the novel, Push, which was the basis for the movie, Precious.  Her newest book is The Kid.

Sapphire spoke about scripts in a large societal context.  These scripts are the sets of beliefs about how things are done and how people think. She referred specifically to the dialogue in early 2008 around Barack Obama’s push to gain the Democratic Party’s nomination for President.  The big discussion was “Could a black man be elected president?”

The script that that had been written said NO, A BLACK MAN CANNOT BE ELECTED PRESIDEN. In order for him to win the nomination and the election required Americans to be ready to Flip the Script.

Cast off the Old Rules

Wearing white shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day is a violation of a pre-written script.  But think of all of the other societal scripts we follow:

• Everyone should own a home.
• Only college graduates have a secure future. Or,  the inverse, all college graduates have a secure future
• Men are the only natural leaders
• Children can best be raised in two parent households like the Cleavers.

Old Scripts Need Updates

Yes, these rules work for many but not for all.  We need to accept that some rules may have existed for a long time but doesn’t mean that they continue to work.  Scripts can be binding and limiting and prevent individuals from being happy or having successful, meaningful lives.  The scripts written by others do not necessarily fit all of us as individuals.  And, the scripts written by our traditional society do not necessarily bring happiness or success to the society.

Many facets of our society do not seem to be working well—violence, poverty, unemployment, discrimination and general unhappiness are far too prevalent. Our election process this year is bringing all of this to the debate stage.

Scripting for Leadership

The old scripts, which talk to addressing these problems, have lead to a negative spiral, with no foreseeable end or real solutions. We cannot use old rules to change the present.  Remember, the old script only applies until it doesn’t. It has always been that way until it is not.  Man didn’t walk on the moon until he did.

It is truly time for our leaders and us to understand the need to Flip the Script.

What societal scripts do you think need an update?

Growing up, Valentines Day was barely a blip on my family’s radar. It amounted to a quick peck on the check and a hug. Sometimes my dad would surprise us and buy almond bark from Kegg’s Candy, dark chocolate, of course. We knew that this was really for Mom, but my brother and I enjoyed sharing it with her.

Fast forward to parenthood: suddenly, I was caught up in all the hearts and confections, jumping in to make sure my daughters were swathed in a pink and red cloud of heart shaped everything from headbands and cookies to erasers and cuddly stuffed animals. I confess. I counted myself among the masses that fall victim to believing that Hallmark holidays are genuine occasions that require us into full frontal consumerism.

Celebration or Marketing Ploy?

In my opinion, Valentine’s Day has been hijacked and transformed by American culture into a big day for retailers.  I want to meet the marketing genius who figured out that this could be an opportunity to promote mass market greeting cards and other paraphernalia. The US Greeting Card Association estimates that almost 200 million valentine cards are purchased each year. If you count all the cards exchanged in elementary schools, the number approaches one billion. Yes, you read that correctly. That has to be enough paper to wrap the earth in a heart-shaped bow, doesn’t it?

What a Valentine Needs

Do we really need to buy cards, chocolates, flowers and gifts to express our heartfelt sentiments to those important people in our lives? Does a table for two on February 14 validate a relationship? I am romantic and sentimental, but have come to realize that all of the Hallmark holidays may be trying to force feed us an idealized, commercial view of what a good relationship needs to thrive. I’m all for setting aside time to celebrate love in all its shapes and sizes, but Valentine’s Day has turned into the Have’s and Have-not’s.

All of attention paid to Valentine’s Day makes many of us want to crawl in a dark corner if we don’t have that special someone to celebrate the day. Let’s take the day back to its honorable intent: conveying our love and appreciation to the special people in our lives.

Be Your Own Valentine

Take control and don’t wait around for someone else to make the day meaningful for you. Celebrate YOU. Have some fun and surround yourself with things that make you feel good. Whether or not you’re in a romantic relationship at the moment, you can be proactive and enjoy the day, not dread it. It’s up to you, whether you want  a day to yourself or if you want to share it with someone. Last year, LWP Chris and I were in Panama with another good friend, Susanna. The three of us had more fun and laughed until it was time to go to bed. That was a perfect way to spend the day.

This year, I’m happy to say that I’m once again out of the country and away from all the Valentine hoopla. Each of us should find a way to escape the commercial trappings and find a way to be our own valentine, whether that is alone or with the special people in your life. Happy Valentine’s Day

How are you showing yourself some love this year?

Ever sit in a meeting or class and wonder why everyone else thinks true and you think false?  Or, everyone else says hire this person and you think “ick”?  Or, everyone else says “great idea” boss and you see many downsides to the argument that are just not being addressed?

This one used to hit me often.  I could look around a boardroom of people and wonder how I could think so differently than everyone else.  Sometimes I would just go with the flow figuring it want worth the battle.  Since I was usually the senior woman in the organization, I was nervous that I would get the “Only a woman would say that” comment. I tried to pick my battles carefully and curb my tongue when I wanted to say, “I told you so”.

Last Woman Sitting

Recently episode 421 of This American life on PBS brought this home for me.  It was called “Last Man Standing” and the prologue was the story of the corruption trial of Rod Blagojevich and JoAnn Chiakulas, a juror who believed that he was innocent.  She told how she listened to the whole tape of him presumably pondering the sale of a Senate seat.  The individual words were incriminating but in the context of a man with grandiose thoughts and schemes, she did not see any real evidence that he would really sell the seat.  But, the other jurors, the press and much of the country had already found him guilty.   Other jurors made derogatory comments (including anti-women comments) and made her doubt herself.  It would have been easier to go with the flow and vote “guilty”, yet she did not.

The jury agreed that they would not talk about the voting process or identify individual voting positions that led to the hung jury.  But, no sooner was she home than the press attacked her on all fronts and her life became a nightmare.  When you listen to this rational, thoughtful person give her opinions, you start to wonder about how all juries work in this country.

Three’s Company

The PBS episode also made me think about women on corporate boards.  There is very good research that boards need to have at least three women (or any other minority) before women/minorities feel truly comfortable speaking out –particularly if they make a “non-standard” comment.  If there are only one or two women, they must pick their battles carefully as they worry about making a comment that will be put down as “a women’s comment”.  We all hate being other. On boards, with three or more, it becomes rational, even if all of the women do not agree.

Think of brave JoAnn Chiakulas when you are in a group evaluating a decision.  Listen to the minority view.  By not going with the flow, you may learn something.

When the Fog Rolled In

When we returned to our building and entered the elevator I exchanged the typical elevator pleasantries with a fellow passenger. What he said next caught me off guard, “it must be really humid outside” Was he asking a question or making a statement. My first reaction was that of paranoia – had my hair succumbed to the moist surrounds and turned into a collection of fly-away frizzies? Nah, that couldn’t be it, I told myself. Clearly, if it were that bad, he wouldn’t have made the comment – right?

Back in my apartment, I hesitated and then headed to the bathroom to check for myself. What I found made my jaw drop. It wasn’t just a little bit of frizz, but a mountain of Medusa-like frizz. I was mortified.

Let the Sun Shine In

As I thought about my hair and the elevator exchange, I began to wonder. What else don’t we see in ourselves that others do see? I realized how easy it is to obscure our thinking to protect ourselves from things we don’t want to hear about ourselves. And, what is our responsibility to tell others what we see in them and how we truly feel? It reminded of the “Age of Aquarius” lyrics to from the play, HAIR, , that describe a time when trust, truth and full disclosure abound; people are open and honest with each other.

Harmony and understanding, sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derisions, Golden living dreams of visions
Mystic crystal revelation, And the mind’s true liberation. Aquarius.

Friends

A New York Times article about dropping friends who no longer fit into your life made me think about the importance of brutal honesty when dealing with our friendships and interpersonal relationships. A woman decides she didn’t have enough in common to keep a friendship going, Instead of having an honest conversation, she made excuses why there wasn’t time to get together. Years later, there are still feeling that the situation is not resolved.

Let Me Know

While it may sting, I really want to know what I may not realize about myself. When leveling with a friend, these exchanges do not need to be hurtful, agonizing experiences. As much as it can be painful to hear, don’t we owe it to each other to be able to express if someone has disappointed or hurt us and explore what comes next? Our ‘linear’ friends, with whom we have long, lasting relationships, need nurturing and maintenance to be sustained. Honesty and openness prevail.

Thanks to Mr. Elevator for helping me understand that there are things we may not want to know about ourselves, but should. I count on my friends to keep me informed and to help me see things about myself that I may not be aware of or don’t acknowledge. That’s an important part of being a friend.

Who do you count on to tell you what you need to hear about yourself? What have you learned about yourself from someone else? Share your comments and stories.

Looking for something fun to read?  Or, maybe you feel like you need some data and studies to quote in your next Battle of the Sexes discussion, debating who makes better drivers, world leaders, hedge fund managers or dozens of other things.  I suggest the light read with a message, Man Down, by Dan Abrams.  His website continues the discussion and the research.

Breaking Stereotypes

Yes, it was written by a man.  Abrams is an attorney and used to have a show on MSNBC.  He steps back from stereotypes and looks for legitimate studies in area as diverse as who make better beer tasters, who is less corrupt and who is better at social media.  Many of these break strong stereotypes.

Is it discrimination that gives women lower auto insurance rates by an average of 7.3%?  No, it could be because men have more accidents, get more tickets and drive drunk far more often.

Comedy & Reality

Roseanne Barr used to do a routine on stage act wondering why everyone always asks the woman where things are in the house.  Mom, where are my books?  Honey, where are my keys?  You know the drill.  Her theory was that the uterus is a homing device.  It can zero in on objects.  But Dan Abrams says that there is real proof that women have better memories.  Research shows that we are better at memorizing faces and words.   The study I relate to the most talks about “episodic memory” which says that women are better at understanding the totality of everyday events including words, objects, and picture”.  I guess that shows that we can find those keys.

But, the reason for this skill comes from evolutionary head-to-head competition among females: “women certainly fought and continue to fight over the best guys…those with good genes and resources to invest in kids.  Remembering details of personal experiences is important for monitoring and maneuvering relationships, including disrupting the social and romantic ties of other women who are competitors”.  I guess Roseanne had it right:  It is about the uterus!!

How I’ll Use It

I plan to use this book as back up for many of my personal theses on why we need real gender equality.  Abrams’ research points me towards great studies than I can use to back up my own ideas.  It’s the humor in the book makes this a fun read.  After all, “Women Appreciate a Good Joke Better” is a great chapter that starts with an Oscar Wilde quote:  Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman and the want of one in a man.

This week when NJ Governor Christie did not like a question put to him by a woman at a Romney rally he responded:  You know, something may go down tonight, but it ain’t going to be jobs, sweetheart.  He followed up with a clear cogent comment, but why make a snotty gender-focused comment first? Call the protestor out for rudeness or give her facts but do not make it a gender issue.

Did She Really Say That?

I had time zone issues last week and watched CNN’s very early morning show. This time, anchor Ashleigh Banfield was guilty of making equally gender focused comments at another woman. One example occurred when a newsperson was using a series of maps and charts and proclaimed that she felt like CNN anchor and technical guru, John King. Banfield proclaimed:  Yes, but you are way hotter.

What?  Why would she think that this was appropriate?

CNN Turn Off

from nscblog

Two days later in another fit of insomnia I was watching the show again when a journalist enthusiastically said that she was excited that the jobs numbers were coming out and it always was good data for an economist. Banfield proclaimed:  Look how cute you are when you are excited. Never again, CNN.  BBC is now my fallback early station.

Flash Back Time

In my working career, I heard this comment often.  Yes, I get enthusiastic like someone of the female gender but when you get the “You are so cute to get excited” comment, you instantly feel your gender.  You feel like the “other “ as though there are real engineers or real managers and then there are female, or cute engineers/managers. You have been separated out from the group.

There were so many other expressions that were consciously or unconsciously used to separate me from the norm.  I detest the expression Young Lady as used by many men.  “May I help you Young Lady?”  Or “thanks for the comment, Young Lady”.  These same men would never say Young Man or Young Gentleman. No woman should be called Young Lady unless she is under 12.  It is condescending and just not appropriate.

Be A Woman

I do not use the Little Girls room.  I use the Ladies’ room or the bathroom. Compliment me if you like my look on a given day, but do not say I look cute or sweet.  These are condescending ingratiating words that only work if I know you well and like you.

What are the condescending expressions that make your skin crawl?  Let’s call them out.

Tolerating Bad Behavior

A few years ago, Jodie made a different kind of New Year’s resolution.  Instead of trying to give up sweets – her perennial goal – she decided to take aim at honoring her personal values and relationships.  Jodie had been friends with Jess for several years.  Jess could really rub people the wrong way. Like the times she asked people to buy her concert and movie tickets, yet never had any cash to pay them back.  Or, when she would borrow clothes but wouldn’t make sure they were clean when she returned them, if she ever bothered to give them back at all.  Jess always wanted to be the epicenter of attention and seemed to enjoy getting her friends to be at odds with each other. She didn’t have much of a family life and Jodie was the one person who she could always turn to for support, which meant that  Jodie often tolerated, made excuses or apologized for something Jess had done.

Enough

mea.org

One day, Jodie had enough; Jess had gone too far.  While Jodie was in the shower, Jess read through the text messages on Jodie’s phone and decided it would be fun to send some prank texts, pretending they were from Jodie. Jess was the only one one that found this funny and there were a lot of hurt feelings caused by the false messages.  Jodie couldn’t trust Jess and was tired of always apologizing for her and cutting her slack. This was the tipping point for Jodie; she decided that she couldn’t stay in a friendship with Jess.

It’s Up to You

Jodie thought about how she had allowed her relationship with Jess to turn into a series of apologies and embarrassments.  Jodie was a toxic friend. Things needed to be different if they were to remain friends.  She resolved to take responsibility for her actions and behaviors, rather that that of others. Like other females, she tended to be empathetic and tolerant of things she did not agree with or approve of. This realization was troubling but also liberating, allowing Jodie to take control of herself and released her from toxic friends and the control of others.

Have you had someone like Jess in your personal or work life? Have you tolerated bad behavior that doesn’t mesh with your values? How did you handle it?

Please share your stories and recommendations.

Getting Unstuck in 2012

Several years ago, I constructed a “Life Wheel Planning” tool to help clients working on personal leadership skills visualize how they are focusing their time and energy. This exercise helps a person see there are choices that will allow them to focus their choices and move towards greater personal leadership. A friend and colleague, Michael Bungay Stanier(@boxofcrayones), is an expert on getting unstuck and developed a unique approach to enhance both personal and professional leadership in “Get Unstuck & Get Going.” By identifying what you want to do, potential barriers, strengths, resources and ways to be accountable, a person can devise a plan for moving forward. At least once a year, I conduct a personal leadership performance appraisal, using a combination of this approach coupled with the Life Wheel Planning tool and traditional business planning methods.

Planning for Success

During my personal leadership review in 2010, I decided to increase my fitness effort and resolved to run a half-marathon by January 2011. I’ve always been physically active, but abandoned running after injuring myself from years of running on pavement. Inspired by my daughter, who ran the Chicago marathon, I decided it was time to fulfill a long-standing passion to complete a long distance running event. I treated this as though it were a business objective, developing a robust plan including a strategy, milestones, potential barriers and a detailed timeline. I researched the best way to approach my target by reading, talking with other running enthusiasts and learning from professionals. Ultimately, I achieved my goal, completing the Houston Half-Marathon last January. The methodology allowed me to set realistic aims for accomplishing my fitness mission.

What Can You Do?

getmovin.tamu.edu

Instead of writing down one or more customary resolutions, take a step back and ask yourself questions that reflect on your personal leadership. “How effective am I at leading myself?” “What do I want to focus on?” “Do I respond to personal desire or what others expect of me?” “What is keeping me from spending time of things that interest me?” “What is keeping me from spending time on the tings that interest me?”  “What am I passionate about and how can I use that passion to impact myself and others?” If you’re honest with your responses, these questions can open the door to generating meaning personal leadership goals for the coming year.  Whether you identify one or more goals, take the time and develop a strong, dynamic plan for making strides over the coming months.

2012 & Beyond

Last week, LWP Christine encouraged readers to set broader goals for 2012, such as actively supporting progressive female candidates/politicians of both political parties and fighting sexism. Follow your passions and be intentional. A new year is a fresh opportunity to rethink, reassess and focus your efforts.

How do you plan to grow as a leader in 2012?

Catalyst just released a report entitled Read it and Weep: Women’s Leadership Still Stalled in Corporate America.  Read it.  You will be discouraged. The key statistics:

• Less than one-fifth of companies had 24% or more women board directors.
• About one in ten companies had no women serving on their boards
• Women of color held only 3% of board seats.
• Women held only 7.5% of Executive Officer top earner positions, while men accounted for 92.5% of top earners.
• Nearly one in five companies had 25% or more women Executive Officers and more than one-quarter had zero.

The number of women in political office is just as discouraging. The United States ranks 87th in the world in representation of elected women at the national level.  In 2010, for the first time in thirty years, the number of elected women declined. Polls show that young women between ages 18-34 see no reason to vote for women and are abandoning women at the polls.

Change the tenor of the dialogue

But don’t we all agree that the conversations in Washington and in the Boardrooms need to change? Little is getting done in government. Unrealistic budgeting and taxation positions are being staked out by both sides.  But, as the expression goes, sometimes it isn’t about politics – it is just about arithmetic.  Everyone cannot receive handouts and the benefits they want.  Taxes for many have to go up—that is where the money is.

Women and Risk in Business

One of the myths about women in business is that they are risk averse—is this perception due to lower testosterone levels?! Women tend to be more cautious and circumspect, but, wouldn’t a more thorough analysis of risk and possible downside have help the Global Monetary Fund which misplaced over $1 billion this year due to bad bets on the European Economy? How about the bets on the Housing Marketing in 2008?  Wouldn’t a pragmatic view –really, could people suddenly afford new houses – have set off a few warning bells?

What can you do?

Follow the news on products and companies.  Post notes on company websites when you see sexist advertisements and bad behavior. I have upped the number of comments I post on other websites.  Executives who allow basic disrespect of women including tolerance for sexist humor and acceptance of sexual harassment, typically exhibit prejudice against senior women in leadership.

I am actively supporting the Women’s Campaign Fund in 2012, an organization that helps women run for public office.  They support female pro-choice / pro women’s health candidates of both political parties with the idea that more women are needed in office, who represent diverse ideas.  Check WCF out and nominate women to run for office through their She Should Run organization.

Resolve to find your voice in 2012.  Share with us how you plan to do it.

This message from the Dalai Lama, the 1989 Nobel Peace Prize winner, was delivered during the Vancouver Peace Summit in September 2009.  It has made the rounds on various Twitter and blog feeds and should make us all sit up straighter and understand that women do have the power to change the world.

Femiism in Waves

The Third Wave of Feminism is world outreach and world changing.  The first wave focused on  suffrage – voting and civil rights for women – and was fought by the famous feminists of the 19^th and early 20^th century.   The second wave was felt by Baby Boomers as they moved through adolescence and adulthood.  It looked for equality of the social systems in the western world and our rights to self determination.  It is time for the Third Wave and the opportunity for women to save the world.

End Violence, Empower Women

The process of eliminating violence against women around the world will work at the roots of violence between cultures and people.  It will bring about world understanding.  It will find the global sisterhood who can change the world.

Tis the Season to Give

As you celebrate the holidays and think about what you want to achieve in the coming year, consider the power you have to make changes in the world and how you are making a difference. It could be the single most important gift you give this yea, both to yourself and other women around the world.

Our RESOURCES section lists a number of organizations and their websites working to eliminate violence and bring change.

Have you bought in to this simple message?  Are you ready to talk about saving the world through your personal strength as well as our collective strengths?  And how will you encourage and support other women in this effort?