Learn how to NOT suck

Employers: Demand Letters of Recommendation from Angry Girlfriends

2012-01-17T13:25:00.023-05:00

With the unemployment rate around 8.6% in the U.S., people are looking to get back into the workforce. The problem with the country's jobs situation, however, is that potential employees are fighting against more qualified candidates than they may have ever encountered in their lives. High school kids are competing against people with PhD's to work at Dairy Queen, college graduates are facing off with people coming back from retirement to get a shot at being a Wal-Mart greeter. The situation for employees is bleak.

"...yes, but he has so much more experience..."

However, the low employment rates are good news for one group of people: employers. Businesses can be pickier than ever when choosing a possible employee, asking for more references and credentials than can be reasonably expected to fill such lowly jobs. Given this information, people coming out of college are going to have to ask old professors and bosses for letters of recommendation for either postgraduate studies or new jobs.

My recommendation for employers? Scrap the caveat on applications that says letters of recommendation can't come from family members. Think about it, the only things an old professor knows about an old student is that the student got a C+ in their class and the student used to masturbate quietly in the middle of the lecture, thinking that nobody knew they were doing it (especially not the object of their fantasies, a fine little dime piece with huge tits in the back of the class) but once the professor pointed out that the student spent most of the class turned facing the other students, the student realized that they had been caught. No big deal. Everyone does that.

And old bosses as references? They don't know who you really are. What are they going to put on your letter of recommendation, that you always came to work on time and made use of every moment of your day? You didn't even do those things, so how could you expect someone to say that you did? Use your head for once.

But, if you want to know who a person really is--employers and colleges--you need to allow letters of recommendation from family members. Specifically: girlfriends and wives. More specifically: angry girlfriends and wives.

My furrowed brow is just my body's way of showing your embarrassing secrets working their way from my brain to my mouth

I know what you're thinking, "Greg, what if I am a woman?" Great question, observant reader! You are right; some people are in fact women. Now, do I expect all of the women out there who are looking to crack into a new industry or college to turn into a lesbian, get a girlfriend by any means possible, and then piss-off said girlfriend just so they can write you a letter of recommendation that airs more of your dirty laundry than a t-shirt cannon that shoots old shirts? Yes, I do. Hey, I'm just looking out for the employers in this situation. You want to get to know a candidate? Ask their angry girlfriend about their credentials.

Let's look at a couple of questions addressed in a standard letter of recommendation and how each referee would handle answering them. Then we'll really see if an angry girlfriend gives us a better idea of who a candidate is.

What kind of experience in the field does the candidate have?

Old Professor: "Billy has a lot of experience with accounting. He did his internship at this really neat law firm and he did their numbers and he was so good at it. Billy is really good at numbers."

No one gives a shit! This guy doesn't give us any relevant information about the candidate. We still need to know: can Billy perform accounting or not? This recommendation leaves us with an empty hole in our stomach the size of a 6 foot submarine sandwich.

Let's look at what the pissed-off girlfriend says about Billy's accounting experience.

Angry Girlfriend: "Field experience?! Let me tell you something about Billy Jenkins, ok? Billy "Big Ballz" Jenkins has played the field more than fucking Babe Booth, or whatever. I swear he's banging that bitch with the fat ass from Arby's. I can't prove it or anything but my friend Sandra saw him with her outside of Arby's on her smoke break and Sandra was like, "Is that a roast beef sandwich or are you looking at an anatomically accurate version of that slut's cooter?" Sandra was escorted off the premises but she made her point. Having said all that super negative stuff, let me assure you that Billy is a good accountant, ya'll. Here's something he can account: those 7 bitches in Cabo he banged last spring break when we had been dating for a month already. Well Billy, you may have had your way with those grimy scags, but here's one thing I can account to: 3. That's the number of inches your penis is."

It's also the number of STD's he'll get tonight

Now we're talking! The angry girlfriend offers so much more information about Billy's accounting experiences that the old professor simply couldn't give us. We even learned some very intimate details about Billy's personal life and private parts that we didn't necessarily need to know but it's the price we pay for a proper letter of recommendation. On this next question, let's look at the angry girlfriend contrasted with a former employer.

How would you say the candidate handles working in a team and what are some examples that show this?

Old Boss: "Billy was an accounting team leader at Assman, Assman & Assman law firm. As a family law firm, we Assmen appreciated Billy's attention to details. He could look at a sheet of accounts and see numbers that no one else on his team could see. For example, one time Billy saw a 12. Nobody else saw it, but Billy did. He has a leader's aBillyity to sense this kind of stuff."

Yawn.

Angry girlfriend: "Billy can work in a team at swinger's parties every fucking weekend for the past year without you knowing about it making you look like an effing moron in front of the rest of the senior class at graduation when you finally find out about it. Then you come home one night after blowing a bunch of dudes on some frat guy's front porch and Billy won't even go down on you for 3 hours...you call that fucking teamwork, Billy?!"

Bingo! Outside of the excessive cunnilingus, fellatio, etc. we have learned a lot of essential information about Billy. For example, we now know that Billy is very inconsistent when it comes to teamwork. Billy is looking a little too selfish to be a viable candidate. Can he still get the job?

Describe a problem the candidate encountered on the job and how he handled it.

Old boss: "One time last year there was a serious infestation of the paranormal type in the attic of the Assmen law firm. The fiend screamed all through the day and filled the whole building with a sound like the cries of a thousand dying penguins. We in the office decided someone needed to do something about it and Billy drew the short straw to handle the problem. Equipped with our office's Hazmat suit and a cattle rod we had lying around, Billy climbed the rafters to encounter the brute: an 8 foot tall humanoid with slimy metallic skin and a head that looked like an 18th century crystal chandelier. Well, it didn't take Billy too long to figure out that the only weapon against this other-worldly demon was the 5000 volt cattle rod in his hand. Surely this monstrosity can withstand more electric volts than 5000, Billy thought. He figured he would be over-matched physically and possibly be eaten or used as a sex slave for another galaxy. Billy resigned to this fate; he even thought it might be kinda cool banging bitches in other dimensions and shit (his words not mine). The beast started to invade Billy's thoughts, causing painful recollections of his abusive childhood. Although he knew it would be hopeless, Billy decided to attack with the cattle rod. Well, apparently it worked because when Billy came down out of the attic he was wearing the skin of the intergalactic behemoth he murdered in the rafters as a trophy. Ever since then he has been coming in to work every day like nothing is wrong, crunching numbers like regular Billy but operating from within the body of the alien he killed like he's Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or something. Every once in a while, though, I look at that awful creature sitting at Billy's desk and I gotta wonder: Billy? Is that really you inside there? Or is it just the monster after all, and this was his way of getting a job at the Assman, Assman & Assman law firm? I always decide to leave well enough alone because I think it's kind of flattering that the creature would want a job here bad enough to kill one of our most valued employees. What does that say about him, ya know?"

Wow. Did you read that? "One of our most valued employees." Finally some useful information out of the law firm! Billy really is cool under pressure. Maybe he has the zip for the job after all! Let's give the angry girlfriend one more chance to ruin his shot.

Angry Girlfriend: "I guess you could say that I'm a former employer of Billy's because I gave him a job once: a blowjob. And do you wanna know what problem he encountered on the job? He came in about 5 seconds. Do you want to know how he handled it? He fell asleep. He may as well have been dead to the world..his dick may as well be dead to the world. Ever since that bastard spent a semester in Spain he has been acting all better than everybody. I don't speak effing Spanish, I get it Billy...or should I say, Billó. You think just because you spent 4 months in Spain you're, like, Mexican now? You're unbelievable. I hope you get turned down in every job interview and you have to come crawling home to me and have dinner waiting every night because I'll be home late from being the CEO of my new company "Faux Paws" that makes custom shoes for dogs and cats. It's a good idea, Billy. You're an asshole."

So you're the reason I want to kill myself...

Just as I suspected, some pivotal information comes out in the bottom of the 9th inning. Billy spent a semester abroad? In Spain, no less? Well it just so happens that the company Billy applied to is located in an area with a high population of people who speak Spanish and a bilingual accountant would be ideal!

So you see, the old boss and old professor gave us a lot of pointless information about Billy's work history, qualifications, and all that bullshit, but the only way we could find out about Billy as a person was through his pissed-off girlfriend. Even though we learned that he was a womanizing college graduate with a tiny penis and a penchant for fighting aliens (or possibly being one?), we now know that he is the ideal candidate for the job.

Once you murk past all of the incriminating sexual history, it is obvious that the angry girlfriend's letter of recommendation is the most telling and beneficial for both job applicants and prospective employers. Give it a shot. Piss off your girlfriend. You might just get a job out of it, and as Billy found out, it might not be the job you expect.
God Bless.

Dungus Discovers: Episode 2

2011-08-28T11:55:00.000-04:00

Dungus Discovers: Episode 1

2011-08-28T11:54:00.000-04:00

East Coast Earthsqueak

2011-08-24T09:38:00.010-04:00

In case you were taking a light catnap or listening to your iPod yesterday afternoon you may have missed it but there was an earthquake. That's right an actual earthquake...IN AMERICA!

Can you believe this bullshit? In America! On the steps of our capital we experienced a deadly and devastating 5.8 magnitude earthquake that rocked the whole nation. Has national security just given up or what? We can't even stop an earth tremor from viciously attacking the White House and the Washington monument (which, thank god, was completely shut down due to some minor cracking).

I heard that some people in New York actually almost got hurt. This has gone too far. Where is president Obama in this time of national crisis? I'll tell you where, in Martha's Vineyard on vacation. In fact, he was golfing at the time of the earthquake which centered not too far from the golf course.

Ok, is it just me or is there something seriously fishy going on here? This all seems a little too perfect: Obama on vacation during earthquake, Obama near earthquake epicenter, Obama golfing during earthquake. Don't you see? It was all a wonderful excuse for him to get a free mulligan.

"Joe, fly here quick and tee up my ball"

So with Obama out of the picture, who do we call on to help us recover from this terrible (possibly terroristic in nature) earthquake? Big brother Joe Biden, that's who.

That's right baby, Big Joe is stepping out of the shadows into the bright lights, and they are spectacular

But wait a minute! While the country was reeling from a catastrophic disaster, Joe Biden was off visiting Japan. He was there thanking military personnel for helping the USA in aiding the Japan disaster relief in the spring. Apparently Japan had their own earthquake in March and it completely ravaged their country into a nuclear disaster and killed tens of thousands of people and psychologically and physically injured countless others.

Um right...but that was like forever ago sooo....can we focus on the East coast earthquake cuz that like happened yesterday and I'm still really shaken up about it. I mean, look at the damage:

This is the kinda thing you don't recover from...

And like my friend Donny lives in New York and I totally thought he might have been hit by some falling debris or something so I tried texting him all day after the earthquake cuz I hate talking to him on the phone so I tweeted him with the earthquake hashtag and he didn't tweet back or retweet or anything so I finally caved in and called him and he didn't freaking answer! I was so scared he might be trapped under some rubble and no one would notice cuz he's so small ya know? and he's like a fucking munchkin but then I saw online that no one was killed and thought that maybe they still wouldn't count Donny cuz he's like got no family or anything and no one would notice he's gone but then he called me back and said that he had been sleeping all afternoon and wondered why I was worried. Like how freaking scary you know? It gave me the shivers last night just thinking about it. I was for sure this was like some second coming of September eleventh. Can you believe the Washington monument cracked? OMG I was totally thinking about visiting that this summer! What if I had been there yesterday?! I could have been by one of the cracks and fallen in or something. IDK it's just super scary.

"If the fear is real, then so is the danger"

In all seriousness: I know it's fun for us to tweet about or blog about (or in some cases, needlessly worry about) the east coast earthquake, but it was by no stretch of the imagination a disaster. Sure some monuments cracked, some flights were cancelled, some bricks came loose, but it seems for now that no one was killed or even seriously injured. It was not a terrorist attack like some thought, it was an earthquake.

Let's not forget about the millions of people in Japan who were affected by an earthquake in a very real way this spring. In that case many people were killed. That was a 9.0 magnitude earthquake. This little tremor was a 5.8. Real fear does not equal real danger.

We should all remember to keep some perspective.

Japan earthquake damage

Michele Bachmann and her Gas

2011-08-18T13:29:00.007-04:00

Tina Fey better watch out because Michele Bachmann has a Sarah Palin impersonation of her own.

"So then I sez, 'That's not Russia...that's Canada!'"

This week Bachmann was in South Carolina, I think discussing the importance of Paul Revere's ride through the state, and she made a pretty bold promise. She said that if she is elected president, she will bring back $2 gas!

Wow! That's incredible. She said that last time we had gas prices at 2 dollars was before president Obama. That actually makes sense, I remember seeing a lot of reports like "Yeah, if Barack is elected, we'll totally pay for it at the pump." Why didn't I heed their warning when i forgot to vote in 2008!?

If I had known that the president gets to choose how much gas costs I would have voted for Sarah Palin in 2008. Barack has obviously been planning this whole $3.75 a gallon scheme for a long time as a way to tax America's car-owning class. Damn, just another clever way he found to dig in America's pockets.

It makes sense when you think about it; Obama wakes up in his silk pajamas and his butler is like, "What should gas cost today, sir?" and Obama wipes his nose with a 20 dollar bill, "Oh I dunno, let's try something $5 so when I choose $3.50 tomorrow everyone will be all like 'OMG thx so much XOXOXOXOXO'."

But if I had voted for Palin in 2008 and she won (of course, because mine is the deciding vote), then I wouldn't be able to vote for Palin junior in 2012. Sooo I don't know, it's tough when you have so many impressive female GOP candidates.

Please, Christine O'Donnell, I want you--I mean me--to run in 2012!

2 dollar gas! Unbelievable. But wait, if the president gets to choose how much gas costs then why can't he decide how much hamburgers cost or how much cars cost or just print more money? If gas were 2 dollars a gallon under Bachmann but cars cost only 1 dollar a piece then we would be in an outrage about the gas to car price ratio. "Gas per gallon is twice as much as the price of a car!" What a monstrosity!

Solution: It's simple really, just print more money. I mean it worked for Hitler.

"I said: Make some noise, San Diego!"

Taylor Swift Wishes She Didn't Suck

2011-08-17T15:02:00.007-04:00

I couldn't help but notice that every news outlet in the country seems to be obsessed with Taylor Swift the last few days. "Wow...Taylor Swift! America's favorite girl next door. She must have done something really magical like make a new single about crying in her bedroom while the boy of her dreams finger-blasts the hot girl." Nope, she figured having 3 albums worth of those songs would be enough for 1 or 2 summers.

"Then she must have come out with a new fragrance that everyone is absolutely dying to get their hands on?" Well sort of; she did come out with a new perfume called Wonderstruck but no one seems to give a shit about it.

This looks like it came out of some Harry Potter purgatory

No, Taylor is getting the most exposure of her career since being so generously brought to relevance by Kanye West at the Grammy's two years ago, because of a wardrobe malfunction.

I know what you're thinking, "Greg, didn't Janet Jackson have a wardrobe malfunction like 10 years ago at the Super Bowl?" The answer is yes, she did. Which gives me hope because the incident at the Super Bowl instigated a complete reanalysis of the ive programming format that major networks use for sporting events and awards shows.

Perhaps this wardrobe malfunction, which surely aired on network television to a viewing audience of millions, will spur some sort of debate about whether or not to let Taylor Swift's image appear unscrambled on television.

Now this is a Taylor Swift I can handle

What's that you say? It's a YouTube video and it was filmed on someone's flipping iPhone? Wow, talk about world class coverage.

Or maybe the video is actually one of those wardrobe malfunctions where the performer accidentally trips on her dress onstage and falls into a pit of angry hyenas!

What's that you say? It's just a thinly veiled attempt by Taylor Swift to do some feux-Marilyn Monroe upskirt publicity?

You gotta be kidding me...

I thought even T. Swizzle wouldn't be stupid enough to pull some stunt like this, so against my better judgement I pulled up the video and watched all three and half agonizing minutes. It was like watching one of those Al-Queda hostage videos; it's totally fucked up and people probably died but it's so painful you have to watch.

The video starts out in a fairly predictable fasion with what looks like a large number of people who were paid to act like they actually care about Swift. Even these hired actors can't stomach the true nature of what they are doing and it quickly turns sad when most of them just throw out their hands in a lackluster jazz hands motion.

Things get truly odd at about the 30 second mark when you notice that the audience isn't only paid actors, but also includes some cybertronic clones of Taylor Swift. This begs the obvious conclusion: they couldn't even pay enough people to pretend to like her so they had to put robots who look just like her in the front row. Pathetic...

Then the facade is blown wide open when she gets onstage to "woo" an obviously computer generated audience. Whoever did the graphics for this fake concert should know that it's not just white people in the world. There's Asians and shit out there too, although none of them like Taylor Swift so I guess all the white people graphics are acceptable.

Once she opens her mouth you can tell it's so bad that she must be lip syncing (her live singing is much worse). Fast forward through some awkward "performing" to the 1 minute mark. Here is where we see what the free world is in a tizzy about.

Her skirt blows up. She pats it down. Holy shit. This is unbelievable! Taylor I never DREAMED you would wear granny panties and have an ass that's smaller than your "tits". This is all so shocking to me!

Ok let's point out the obvious: Taylor had this wind machine put behind her so she could ever so innocently saunter in front of it and expose her junk (referring to her butt and not her music here) to the audience. You think they didn't figure that out in rehearsal? "Hey, if we pay all these people to make robots, act and put in graphics for a fake concert and hire a person to videotape it from the side with their phone, can we at least see if it makes me relevant again?"

Cut to about 2 minutes in and Taylor is joined by what looks like some broke-ass version of the cast from "Rent" the musical. Somehow T Swizzle thinks having these other clowns on stage will boost her street cred or some bullshit. Who knows what goes on in that jelly head of hers.

It has also come to my attention that on this current "Tour" she is on, she has covered the hometown musical heroes of each city. She covered Bon Jovi in New Jersey, Justin Bieber in Toronto, and (for the love of God) Eminem in Michigan.

Last week she was in Chicago, hometown of The Messiah himself, Kanye West. What do you think she did? Did she do her own cutesy fruitsy acoustic version of "Can't tell me nothing"? No. She did some punk rock crap instead because she finally knows her role on this earth and that role is to do everything in her power to stay out of the wrath that is Kanye West's path.

Oh and a sidenote: While Taylor was performing hokey songs for audiences of 13 teenagers, Kanye West released a collaboration CD with Jay-Z called "Watch the Throne" that took over as the Number 1 album in America and broke the record for most iTunes sales in its first week.

Taylor Swift: Learn how to NOT suck.

My Solution to the Economic Crisis

2011-04-20T15:23:00.021-04:00

Look, in these hard economic times I know it's difficult to swallow all the unemployment statistics that get thrown at you every day, but some numbers are impossible to ignore. Here's an astonishing pair of statistics that will make your head spin:

9.2% of the hard-working adults in America are unemployed.
You think that's high? 99.9% of children under 12 are unemployed in America.

99.9%. Unbelievable...

You may say "Greg, Child Labor is wrong and there are laws against such behavior." Is that a fact? Well according to UNICEF, 158 Million children worldwide have hard-earned, steady-paying jobs. That's one in every six children in the world who have a job. Now you're telling me that you want to take away those kid's livelihoods just so they can have a "childhood?" That's dogshit!

A wise man once said "Even if kids complain about getting 13 cents an hour for hard labor that doesn't mean they aren't enjoying the benefits of an education and health care. In fact, most wallet factories who exclusively employ children have better daycare services than most fortune 500 companies." Working hard on an assembly line, now that's daycare.

Don't you get it? Child labor is the best, most efficient form of day care. Instead of paying $1000 a month to keep little Starkisha's butt wiped at the local 5 star kiddie resort you call "Day care", you could send her to make cheap plastic sandals for 100 hours a week at 25 cents an hour. At that rate, she'll be bringing in $100 a month. I'm no mathemetician, but if you add that cool Ben Franklin on top of the $1000 dollars saved on not bringing her into a conventional internment camp of a daycare, you come out with an incredible savings of $1100 a month!

Can you imagine what you would do with that much money and a kid who's out of the house almost every moment of the day?

This is the only "Trix" we allow in this house

I may have totally proven my point so far and could quit while I have all the naysayers slayed, but I am about to kick your logic in the nutz. What's the biggest issue (besides child labor) in america? Would you say the war in Iraq? Wrong...that's happening in Iraq, moron and is therefore not our problem. Would it be the healthcare? Nope, Barack Brobama fixed that last summer with the precision of a downtown three pointer.

Swish...nothing but debt

It's the economy. "Wow, brilliant Greg. You are saying the same shit as everyone else. We all know the economy is whack as fluck but no one has any ideas on how to fix it." Wrong again, sayers of nay. I am giving the world a very specific plan of action on how to fix the economy with child labor. Or more acurately, I'm giving America a way to fix the economy since we seem to be so stubborn about joining the child labor parade. It's simple: we give kids jobs, they work 4am-10pm because their little brains are too undeveloped to concieve of a labor union...

You heard me right, Ginger, the only nipple you'll be sucking tonight will be attached to the corporate tit. MUAHAHAHA

...they stay busy long enough to finally give the parents some time to do the real work like play video games, eat and fuck. It's fool-proof! We need to get the federal government on the side of this plan and it will not fail.

I am pleading to Washington: PUT OUR NATION'S CHILDREN TO WORK!

This is our only hope to get out of this economic crisis.

The Love Doctor is in

2011-03-03T09:08:00.001-05:00

7 Reasons Why he hasn't proposed yet

2011-01-02T21:16:00.008-05:00

There are a lot of women out there thinking to themselves "What the fuck is up with Daffy-Doo over here? We've been dating for an entire 3 months and I have already acquired a negative nickname in his group of friends (Jabba the Slut). Why can't he just sack up and propose to me? I am the best thing that will ever happen to him!"

Or so you think, Jabba. You see, there is actually a laundry list of reasons why your boyfriend was so willing to pop your cherry, but so hesitant to pop the question.

1. He's busy playing XBox

Let's be realistic with this one ladies, COD Black Ops just came out this winter and your hubby is probably spending most of his days killing n00bs. Actually, your man-friend is most likely thinking about playing video games even when he's having sex with you, which is saying a lot since that's usually the only time he'll spend more than 4 minutes (barely) in the same room as you.

2. You're not getting any younger

Even with the recent influx of cougar infatuation, men still do not want to marry one of these beasts. If you are female and over the age of 18 years and 1 minute old, you will always have a younger, better model as competition. And as men, we think to ourselves "well shit, the one I have is nice but there are gooder ones over there!" "Over there" being a local community college.

3. You're kind of a wet blanket

So it's the middle of March and you are a woman. What's new, right? You've been in this situation like 25 times before. But this time is slightly different because it is you and your boy-associate's 2 and a half year anniversary and he doesn't remember it! Oh my effing G! He's going to go out drinking with his buddies tonight without even mentioning the fact that exactly 912.5 day s ago you entered/ruined his life? What's a girl to do? You use everything in your repertoire to try and subtly suggest that he remember: you leave sweet notes reminiscing your past in his work bag, you kiss him and say "Today is such a special day, enjoy it", you tell him you won't S his dick for a month if he doesn't figure out what's pissing you off...and nothing seems to stick! What gives? Well the fact is, he remembers to the exact moment when you two met and let me tell you something, it's not for the same reasons as you. He doesn't remember exactly when you two met because it was such a magical spagical spectagical moment, he remembers it because he has regretted every single day since that night that he didn't bang the red headed bartender with the fat ass instead of you. Which brings me to the next reason...

4. You're fat not PHAT

When people are complimenting the "Baby fat" behind your back, they are sarcastically commenting on your muffin top hanging over your jeans, not commending you on your super fly "Baby PHAT" jeans. The only thing that's Pretty Hot And Tempting about you is that Wendy's Triple Bacon Cheeseburger you are perpetually consuming.

5. You are in fact a woodchuck

Everyone overlooks this one because it's so obvious. You are secretly a woodland creature only disguised as an insecure woman in her mid to late 20's as a secret plan to conquer the universe. The problem with this realization is that you are an animal and marrying a woodchuck (don't quote me on this because I'm not positive) is illegal. My best advice for this situation is to try and just settle down with another woodchuck or possibly a beaver instead of a human. Just for the purpose of your well-being, try and aim for mates in your species or at least in the same genus. This goes for everyone, including humans. So that means all you Sloth monsters that hang out at the corner of the bar by the juke box can just about cash in your chips with the whole "having sex with human men" game. That's a gamble you won't win.

6. He is scared of boredom

Men are afraid of being stifled, of having our spirits dampened and our sense of adventure left unfulfilled. That being said, it's a lot easier to get bored with a heffer (you) than a hottie (your friends). He's not proposing because you're kind of boring. Taking you to the zoo or the park or mini-golfing is only cool if it ends with some sort of blowjob--specifically the penis part. After a few months that shit gets boring and no man in his right mind will be down to do that shit for the rest of his days. That's why he's not proposing, because you are more boring than a WNBA game.

Oh how cute...she thinks she's a real basketball player.

7. He's scared he won't be able to keep up with a goddess like you

Psyche! LOL If you read that and actually believed it you are probably the same kind of woman that reads Cosmo for realistic life advice.

Have fun with your cats!

Gulf Oil Leak has White House Cool as a Cucumber

2010-06-06T01:29:00.009-04:00

June 4, 2010

By staff writer Greg Larson

Washington, D.C.--London based energy company BP (Beyond Petroleum) has taken several drastic measures to aid in the cleanup of the Gulf of Mexico. Since their offshore oilrig Deepwater Horizon exploded on April 20th, there has been oil leaking throughout the gulf waters and the Gulf States.

The spill happened after the rip capacitator exploded through the rig’s Kimmler valve on April 20th. BP sent in specialized robots to laser off the squeeze protectors. When those efforts failed, BP blamed the laziness of the robots for not being able to stop off the continued leakage, and cursed whoever built “these pieces of sh*t.” Now BP is left to clean up the mess.

BP CEO Tony Hayward stated, “For BP, this oil spill is a public relations catastrophe.” When asked if it was any other sort of catastrophe he said “Hmm, no not that I can think of.” We told him to get back to us if he thought of anything.

Criticism came quickly for the federal officials who failed to take action quickly enough. Bobby Jindal, Governor of Louisiana, said the federal government should have had a greater sense of urgency for the spill. He was referring to White House press secretary Robert Gibbs’ statement about the oil spill: “We’re not really worried about it too much.”

At a press conference last week Gibbs was probed about President Obama’s take on the situation. Gibbs said he hasn’t been available to comment because he’s been locked in the oval office watching his Chicago Blackhawks play in the National Hockey League Finals. “Oh you know Barack,” Gibbs continued with a smile, “he loves his sports.”

Finally on June 1st, more than 6 weeks after the oil rig explosion, Obama spoke in public about the gulf’s oil crisis. He told the press “there is no time to procrastinate”. However, minutes later he updated his Facebook status via iPhone: “New high score in Farmville ya’ll!”

The government has applied the technique of “ignoring it” until the problem goes away—federal officials say they like to take the same approach with these sorts of issues as they would with a problem toddler—much like they did with Hurricane Katrina. When that didn’t work, the Obama administration was baffled and out of ideas.

Even though the government has taken a Laissez-faire approach to the oil spill, that hasn’t stopped BP from taking charge of the clean up efforts with a couple of ingenious ideas.

One such idea is the brainchild of real life child and son of CEO Tony Hayward. His name is Billy Hayward and his idea may save what is left of the Gulf of Mexico. It is called the Helping Hands campaign and it has officials hopeful that it could temporarily result in as much as 3% less oil in the gulf waters.

The campaign, implemented on May 15th, consists of about 20,000 people in boats and on the coast scooping the crude oil out of the water with their cupped hands. “We want people to have the proper technique” says Helping Hands coast team leader Shante Griggens. “After 20 minutes with me, these people will be scooping like a pro.” Billy Hayward, now one such scooping pro, claims he came up with the idea one morning when he was washing his face. “Hey if it can work for the oil on my skin why can’t it work for the oil in the gulf?” said the pimply faced Billy.

In response to Helping Hands, the federal government seemed to be supportive. Gibbs said, “That’s 3% more oil that’s out of the gulf and ready to be put into our cars and then straight into the ozone, where it belongs.” Gibbs continued, “Plus, that’s 20,000 more jobs for hard working Americans out there”

One problem encountered with Helping Hands, seems to have stemmed directly from Gibbs’ comments. People working on the coast are reported to be scooping the oil out of the water and putting it directly into their car gas tanks, trying to cut out the middleman. When told about this new development, a BP official said “But we are the middleman!”

Four Helping Hands workers are now being sued for stealing over 100 gallons of oil. Steven Tracer, one of those being sued by BP, said, “We really should have been more sensitive to BP’s situation right now” he continued, “we tried to take advantage of a helpless oil juggernaut. May God have mercy on us.”

The four workers allegedly settled out of court, paying $15,000 for the theft of 112 gallons of BP’s crude oil. Considering the high gas prices this summer in the gulf region, Tracer concluded, “It wasn’t that bad of a deal.”

While Helping Hands continues to control the oil spillage, BP has since initiated an even more daring relief effort. Tuna Company Chicken of the Sea offered BP the use of over 1,500 of its tuna nets for cleaning up the oil spill. In a “hey it’s better than nothing” approach, BP gave it a shot.

The fleet of tuna boats set sail for the sea on May 25th. Since then they have only succeeded in removing 428 oil-covered dolphins from the gulf waters. A BP official stated in a press release that “those dolphins were inhibiting the cleanup effort, and we’re pretty sure they’re the ones who caused the spill in the first place.” He also detailed that in an effort to stay efficient the dolphins will now be served to the Helping Hands workers as lunch.

One technique that has yet to be tried, which has been effective in past oil spills, is to burn the oil to create a barrier to prevent further spreading. The Coast Guard said they wouldn’t do any such thing. When the idea was posed to U.S. Coast Guard Bill Saunders from Louisiana, he said, “Oh no, we don’t want to do that. All that black smoke going into the atmosphere? That would be terrible for the environment,” he added, “and not to mention the big flames in the Gulf would be an eye sore.”

Although the cleanup efforts are high on the priority list, BP is understandably most worried about losing money. After recognizing that they were hemorrhaging finances out of Deepwater Horizon they decided it was time for some nifty marketing.

Only two days after implementing Helping Hands, BP officials on May 17th succeeded in installing a mile long, four-inch wide tube into the burst pipe. The tube has been siphoning off more than 1,000 barrels of leaked crude oil a day. That crude oil is now being put in novelty barrels and sold as souvenirs on eBay with the tagline “Buy now, supplies are running out!”

What does the government have to say about this clever financial endeavor? Well, Barack Obama has reportedly bought several dozen barrels to stock up for a killer 2011 April Fool’s joke for BP executives. But it has other, less distracted, officials worrying about our drilling policies. Secretary of Energy Steven Chu thinks that this may be the end of the “let them do whatever they want” government regulations of offshore drilling.

Deepwater Horizon has been a poster child for the green energy debate. For many hoping for reform, this crisis has proved that it is time to switch to more green power sources like wind and solar energy. Chu isn’t confident that wind and solar energy are the answers, “I don’t know, that shit’s spilling all over the place already.”

Even after the extensive efforts put in place by BP, the numbers still paint a bleak picture. As of May 28th the government estimates that the oilrig is spilling like, a crap load of barrels every day. They say it’s probably in the zillions by now. They went on to sigh and whine “Ok we’re done. Can we go back to bed now?”

Certain rumors have leaked that BP is considering teaming up with the US military to nuke the oil spill. U.S. Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, said it is a ridiculous idea that will never come to fruition, “That’s outrageous to consider dropping a nuclear bomb in the Gulf of Mexico to stop an oil spill.” He assured, “We should only use our nukes if they help us spread democracy.”

The Olympics in Rock Hill

2010-04-27T04:09:00.013-04:00

It's never too early to get a leg up on something. Whether it's a cold blooded murder, a divorce, or applying to be the host city for the 2018 Winter Olympics...years upon years of preparation is key.

So I figure now is as good a time as any to get started with my plan:
Bring the 2018 Winter Olympics to Rock Hill, South Carolina, USA!

But then I realized that the application deadline already passed and the 2018 games will be held in one of these "places":

1. Annecy, France--If I've never heard of your city it doesn't deserve to exist.

2. Munich, Germany--Yeah, cause these guys did so great last time they hosted.

3. PyeongChang County, South Korea--Is this the good Korea or the bad one? PS. Who the fuck hosts Olympics in an entire county? I'll tell you who doesn't...the Olympics.

So I guess we have to count 2018 as a loss. Fine. Which brings me to my newly revised plan:
Bring the 2022 Winter Olympics to Rock Hill, South Carolina, USA!

Yeah I know this is for the World Cup in Qatar. It's called a prototype.

Already 5 of the 16 potential bids are from the United States. This is not enough domination! Let's make it 6 out of 16 by moving Rock Hill in, and kicking Switzerland out--sorry Swiss, if you've never fought a war you shouldn't be allowed to host the Olympics. There's no medal for "best sportsmanship while crying on the sideline". Welcome to the real world bitches, we ain't Neutral-friendly.

"Wait a minute Craig, isn't Rock Hill kind of a shithole college town that's got crazy hot summers and no mountains?"
Yeah, thanks for the update ass-jockey. That's why we're not gonna apply for the summer Olympics, dumbass.

Rock Hill is the most ideal spot to host XXIV Winter Olympiad for 5 reasons:

1. The Culture:

Rock Hill offers so much culture that it is seeping out of our ass. We got loads of art and shit plus we already got an athlete village in the works.

Plenty of room for Michael Phelps to smoke his ganja in peace.

4. Majestic mountains:

Ok, so we may not have the biggest mountains but it's not the size of the mountain that matters right? It's whether or not the mountains are free of STD's, which they are! Regardless of what that whore Sandra says, our mountains got the test results to prove it too.

Ummm....our mountains are seasonal. They get HUGE in the winter. Like the hot weather just makes them small that's all. Yeah, usually they're SO big.

5. Buttloads of snow:

In February we got like at least 4 inches one time, it was fucking sick dude. You could snowboard in that shit no problem. And if it doesn't snow for some reason, we got an army of snow harvesters that can ensure a winter wonderland.

Quit giggling like a fucking idiot or you won't get your rations, sweetheart.

6. Our Wikipedia page:

It's longer than most of the other NON-AMERICAN cities...seriously...look it up. PS, did you know that Vernon Grant, the guy who invented Rice Krispies characters Snap Crackle and Pop, was from Rock Hill? Unbelievable...

Snap,Crackle,Fucked

American Gangster

2010-04-12T07:29:00.010-04:00

I just watched this shit for the first time in maybe a year and I forgot how much of a fucking badass Frank Lucas is. Frank didn't take shit from NO ONE! Well, figuratively speaking of course...he did indeed take shit from people on a daily basis (i.e. their lives and shit but that's a whatevs).

If you have never seen American Gangster you are missing out. Now I'm not gonna be one of those dicks that's like "WHATTTT!? OMG YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THAT MOVIE I LIKE?????? WTF IS WRONG WITH YEEWWWWWW?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!" People like that should be forced to watch Carrot Top movies for the rest of eternity with their eyes pried open.

So that's why they call it A Clockwork Orange.

How is that for a purgatory you mother fuckers!

Anywho...here's the jist of the movie:
Frank Lucas is not Italian
Frank Lucas starts off the movie lighting this dude on fire FOR NO FUCKING REASON and this is within the first 2 seconds of the opening credits. The word "Gangster" in "American Gangster" doesn't even get off the screen before we see Frank light some dude on fire and shoot his head in. We in the audience can't help but wonder what this dude did to deserve this fiery death but it's not important...cross Frank Lucas and die, even family. Actually wait, not family. He actually gets his family into the drug game and he puts them up in this SICK ass mansion and like gives them whatever they want. He actually shoulda killed some of his family but he didn't. Some of them are a liability and it's actually one of his own family members that snitches him out and a few of his nephews, brothers, and cousins die as part of a big raid at the end but who cares right? Family first.

So Frank is like running the shit outta Harlem, spreading Blue Magic all over town.

"I like to spread my Blue Magic all over town too"

Haha, no Papa Smurf, Blue Magic is the name of his heroine silly!. He's making millions while Russell Crowe is hunting him.

Then one night we got Muhammed Ali versus Frazier. This is the fucking Fight of the Century regardless of what Timmy and Spencer say about Their epic battle in 5th grade. Frank and his beautiful fiance Eva are planning on going to this heavyweight bout. While getting ready, Eva presents Frank with some God awful chinchila fur jacket.

Now Frank knows that this will draw too much attention to himself at the fight but he wears it anyway. Frank is one smart mother fucker and he KNOWS he is fucked if he wears this. This is the only mistake of his life, ever! And you know why? Because he didn't want to disappoint his wife.

But let me ask you this...10 years later when Frank was in jail rotting for saving and protecting Harlem, where the fuck was his "wife" Eva? I'll tell you where: she was in a Red Lobster kitchen blowing the head chef, that's where. Frank was toppled because he was just trying to please his wife by wearing that nasty ass jacket and it ends up putting his ass in jail and she leaves him.

Damn! This dude gave you more than you could have ever imagined and you can't wait for his 70 year prison sentence to be with him again? Bullshit. I hope a spider lays eggs in your ear while you sleep and they hatch in your brain and eat your head from the inside out...bitch.

So Frank is sentenced to 70 years...no biggie. But guess what? He only served 15 of them cuz he's the biggest snitch in history! Nice. And this shit is a true story too!

This just goes to show you one thing:
If you work hard, break the law, and murder several dozen people, you too can make your dreams come true!

The Great Ocean Walk (GOW)

2010-04-10T22:29:00.026-04:00

I'm in Australia. It is fall time here. I found out we had fall break from April 2-April 11 fall and decided I wanted to go to New Zealand. That shit was crazy expensive so I decided to stay in the country. Makes sense, I mean I did fly across the world to be in Australia. I spoke to a hiker while I was at 12 apostles ( a natural wonder along the coast of Victoria, my state) in February and he said there was a hike called the Great Ocean Walk. He said that it was a "no brainer" and I just had to register and go and that each campsite had rainwater to drink.

Come April 1st I have my makeshift bag all packed up.
Yes that is a school sleeping bag and a tent bag tied to a school backpack.

In my pack for food I had a small box of 20 or so crackers, 5 fruit bars, about 10 cookies, a brownie, 1L water bottle, 3 cans of tuna (small) a jar of Vegemite in case of emergency, and 250 grams of peanuts.
I packed an inflatable wine bag on a whim, I had seen an inflated wine bag on the street several days before my trip and thought "hmmm, maybe a drunk person used that as a pillow" so I packed it as a possible pillow just assuming that the experiment would fail.

So with my pack packed I was ready to go...

Day 1, April 2:
Apollo Bay to Elliot Ridge=9.7km aka 6 miles

I woke up at 6am to catch the tram to the city train station. My train wasn't leaving until 9am but I didn't want to risk missing it. I hiked up the hill to the tram and started to get a little winded. Man, I thought, I might not be in the peak physical condition I once was. So I bought my ticket at the beautiful southern cross station
and tried to find my train. The lady at the info desk told me that because of the Grand Prix, my train would instead be a bus. Ok, so I went to the bus bay and looked for some food because I had time to kill and this was likely my last opportunity for hot food for 6 days. I got some Hungry Jacks brekkie (if you don't know what this is just think Burger King breakfast and we're on the same page)and got on the bus and left for Apollo Bay aka the starting point of my journey. I bought a 15$ map of the trail, got a tide chart for the optional beach parts of my journey and sat down to plan my day.
I was overwhelmed with new information and details but soon got my bearing and started with my journey. On the beach in front of the info center I got stopped by some tween girls to take their pics. They paid me back by taking my picture.

And so I began. I hiked through some campsites and the city and eventually came to the secluded part of the walk. I passed several hikers on the trail with no packs, obviously taking only a simple day stroll, but other than that I was pretty much going solo. I went through some grassy hills and some coastal forests but it was a fairly tame start to the journey, hiking-wise. I got into camp, pitched my tent on the rock hard ground and ate a little dinner.
Dinner consisted of one of the tuna cans (1 of 3...an early mistake) some peanuts, a fruit bar, and a cookie. I was informed that there was a koala in the tree next to my tent and sure enough there it was.
Nice. I slept and read my book and went to bed. I reflected on my first day and thought about how nice it would be, this trip. This wasn't so bad, kind of fun, not too straining and shoot I made the hike in about 2 and a half hours when it was supposed to take 3 and a half! Maybe I'm in better shape than I expected...

I found a rain water tank at the campsite with this sign next to it
and decided to fill up my bottle. It literally looked like piss. I was worried I might get sick so I only took a few sips before I went to bed to see how my stomach would take it by morning.
I inflated the wine bag and placed my head on it and fell asleep to the sound of koalas making some weird ass screeching noise in the night...quite unsettling. I think they were sharpening their antlers.

I thought for a moment that I might have to tie my pack in a tree to hide it from bears, then I remembered hearing somewhere that koalas are not actually bears.
Greg 1 Nature 0

Day 2, April 3:
Elliot Ridge to Cape Otway= 22.1 km 13.7 miles

The gentle rain during the night had helped me sleep and I was surprised that my wine bag stayed in tact and was actually somewhat comfortable. I had no adverse effects from the piss water by the morning. I decided that the signs opposing its consumption were intended for the hiking hippies that I encountered at my campsite. The same ones that brought "sleeping mats" and "drinkable water" and "proper equipment"...fucking squares. I ate a snack, packed up and went on my way at about 8am or so. The time estimate said this days hike would take about 8 hours. 8 hours is a long time for hiking alone. This was the first of two long days in a row where I was to skip one of the suggested campsites.

This first leg of this journey was entirely through rain forest. I felt like Jake Sully on Avatar; I was on a different planet. Actually any space movie would work as a reference, like "I felt like Luke Skywalker; I was on a different planet" but whatever, Avatar is cool right now so it's all good. There were old eucalyptus trees and animals rustling around all over the place but I never actually set eyes on any of them. I thought I had spotted a black wallaby at one point but it ended up just being a stump. It's amazing how much your mind runs while you're hiking alone. There is no one to talk to but your own consciousness or the trees. I chose to speak aloud more than I should be comfortable with. I thought of various jokes and moneymaking schemes (reserving prime hotel rooms in the city of the next Olympics several years in advance and then selling the reservations to people at inflated prices come crunch time....?)

As the hike progressed into late morning I started to taste the subtle spices and herbs that go into rain water. I didn't think I would get sick but still...the psychological effect of drinking natural water with flavor, color, and smell was significant. Finally by around noon I got to the midway point of Blanket Bay. There was a large campsite there where I found another rainwater faucet, however after the previous nights rain this shit was fresher than a *insert rapper* track. I filled up my bottle and hunkered down on the beach rocks for lunch.
Lunch was a couple crackers, a cookie, some peanuts and a fruit bar. After my hour or so break I got on the walk again.

I was along the coast now and enjoyed the change of pace from the forest views of the morning. It was a pretty walk but uneventful for some time until I was startled by a couple of wallabies crossing the trail several meters in front of me. One of them stopped to stare at me for a while. Can you spot the animal?

I got some pretty incredible sights of the coast as I hiked beyond cape after cape, however I started to hit a wall towards the end of the walk.

I was coming into Cape Otway aka my ending point for the day and I was feeling the fatigue. I knew I was going to have a tough time finishing out the last leg of my hike that day because
1. I started clutching my walking stick with 2 hands instead of 1
2. I was told by a passerby that there was a koala in a tree up ahead and I didn't bother lifting my head up because it was too much effort
3. Several people I passed gave me very concerned looks.
Now as I was coming into Cape Otway there was a road and people because it is a big tourist attraction to see the lighthouse there. I saw on the map that near my campsite there was a shop for the lighthouse...nice. I might be able to buy some water (mine for the day had run out) and a snack. I was in a rush to make it to the shop before 5pm assuming that would be their closing time. I could see the flags rising high above the building from several kilometers away.

Theses flags were a beacon for me to work towards, like a level of Mario except my legs were too tired to jump to the top, although a couple thousand dollars of extra spending coins would have been nice. By about 4pm I got into the gift shop and was met with exactly what I expected: 2.50$ bottles of water, 3 dollar bags of chips, and 7 dollar chocolates. Although a hot meal would have been orgasmic I settled for the chips and water. I hobbled the extra few hundred meters to my campsite, happy with a nice little snack to end my 8 hours of hiking. I wrote in my little pad that night....

Feeling stronger now after a nap and dinner, still sore. I'd kill for a pizza. So hungry for hot food. Long day, legs dead, feet sore, longer day tomorrow. I'm fucked.

I sat there thinking about how fun it would be to have some Cien Anos and chips and salsa and margaritas with my friends in Rock Hill at Tequila's and I realized that my life is pretty spectacular, and that life in general is beautiful. However, at that moment in time I was feeling like I might be unable to complete the next day which would be even more difficult. 2 days down and I was gripping the towel, but not yet ready to throw it in.
Greg 1 Nature 1

Day 3, April 4:
Cape Otway to Johanna Beach=23.5km 14.6 miles

I woke up feeling sore and stiff, but better and ready to take on the day. I now had my 1L bottle plus a 600ml bottle filled for the day, a heavier pack but I'd ensure my hydration. The morning walk had the best sights yet with cliff top views of the coast. The end is still not within sight...
There was the option of making a 3km side trip to see something called Rainbow Falls. I thought "hmm, this is the longest day of the trip I should save my time and energy..." Then I set my pack down and went on the side trip. I got down to the falls on the coast and was pretty impressed and thought to myself "Hmm, this was worth it!"...

I got back on the main path about an hour later and continued my journey slightly more tired. I got to the midpoint at the Aire River and stopped for lunch, same as all my other meals.

I was relieved to be halfway through the hardest day of my journey and took a quick nap before continuing. If you ask anyone that knows, I can fall asleep and wake up within a matter of 10-15 minutes like 85% of the time. The nap was super clutch for getting my energy back. As I went on the afternoon section of my hike that day I noticed that it was taking longer than expected to get to Johanna Beach. My pace was slowing down significantly on the day's home stretch. By the time I reached Johanna Beach I was out of water, exhausted and fearful for my health. There was still several KM of beach left to traverse before getting to my site, and let me tell you, walking along the beach with camping gear and hiking boots is a fucking hassle! I sunk in every step and would slip, which slowed my time down even more.

There were so many people at this beach, I was surprised. And the Aussies being the talkative folks that they are would stop and talk to me as I was passing. I rudely ignored several people, but I had no choice, I couldn't afford any more lost time or energy, I needed to get to the water at the campsite and eat. I finally got off of the beach and walked through a public campground before coming to the entrance of my campground. Then I saw it. Possibly one of the most beautiful vehicles I have ever seen.
This woman was mother Theresa. She sold me a falafel for 8 dollars and a 2 dollar water. It was the best 10 bucks I have ever spent. I didn't know what the fuck a falafel was but I'll never eat one again because there is no way that it can compare to that one. I had hot food and it felt fucking amazing. I don't know what was even in this fucking wrap but it was too good to care.

I laid down at my campsite and was immediately graced with the pleasure of a fire ant bite. These fuckers are like the size of a peanut, so I moved spots and laid down again and was stung by a bee. Fuck. I set up my tent in the first semblance of heat I had all trip and passed the fuck out. I woke up quite some time later after a long bout of uninterrupted sleep (a rarity) and it was dark. I stepped out of my tent to take a piss and was absolutely astonished. I said "Oh my God" out loud...the stars. I couldn't wrap my mind around the silent melody that sat on the night's sky canvas. There was so much. I felt like that moment of unexpected beauty brought me one step closer to enlightenment. I went back to sleep and woke up later to take another peak but the moon had come out and drowned out the southern constellations. I preferred it this way, a one time peak at the face of God.
Greg 2 Nature 1

Day 4, April 5:
Johanna Beach to Ryan's Den=13.9 km aka 8.6 miles

The hardest part was over and I had plenty of time to sleep in, what with my trip this day only expected to take me 5 hours or so. In the early morning I went back to the cart lady and got a bacon and egg sandwich for breakfast.
What a great way to start the day. Again, so beautifully delicious. I read somewhere that humans get the most pleasure from sex and eating. If that's true I wish I could go back in time and fuck the shit outta that sandwich cuz it was that good. As late morning came and it was time to pack up and leave, I noticed that the sun was out and it was quite hot. I took a picture of the view from the campsite
and I packed up with my 1.6L of water and went on my way across some back country mountain road

towards Ryan's Den. I started out this day thinking it would be a pretty easy and uneventful walk after two days of about 50 total km....I was wrong.
It started out innocently enough, walking through the hills and forest, then in early afternoon I ran into a little bit of a road bump. I was walking along this dirt road to the beach when I encountered an animal. I could only see it from a few dozen meters away and from the back, but my first instinct was that it was a buffalo. Then I realized it had horns, it was white and I was in Australia. "Greg you dumbass" I thought "that is definitely a buffalo" then it turned around and looked at me
it was a male sheep. He caught a whiff of me and started to trot off, as he should since this was my 4th consecutive day without a shower. He met up with his gang o' hoes and continued to trot along with them. I kept walking on the trail and they kept walking in front of me, no problems. Then suddenly they stopped, and I stopped too. Then the male turned back and stared at me, an obvious challenge. Not wanting to look like a pussy I started to talk shit to them, insulting them for something along the lines of being a bunch of ignorant pricks for holding up traffic. They didn't take too kindly to this insult and the male began to come after me with his crew. I was completely drained of any ability to sprint but adrenaline kicked in and I made it to a side track before they were able to catch me. By the time I got back on track and regained my composure I realized that it was pretty embarrassing to have been bullied by a group of sheep, but I was consoled by the fact they were stupid animals and I would probably be eating them some day. However, this was still a win for the sheep.
Greg 2 Nature 2.
I proceeded with my journey and was met with this kind gentleman

with jugs of water next to him. I had some water left and decided I'd leave it for other hikers who might need it more than me. I'm so considerate/stupid.
It got to be late in the day and I was closing out my hike, which was lucky because I was dangerously low on water...again. I came to a three way fork in the trail. There was a sign that said "Great Ocean Walk: camping by permit only" and an arrow to the right that said "Great Ocean Walk". I checked the map and this appeared to be the entrance point to the campsite, but on the map the entrance goes to the left, and the arrow is to the right, I didn't get it.

This was surprising because the other campsites were so well labeled and so had the rest of the walk been. I walked down the steep hill several hundred meters to the left and nothing, no sign of any campsite, I walked back up the hill, now fucking exhausted and angry for wasting precious last bits of energy. I had started cursing the fucking map the fuckers at Apollo Bay gave me and the mother fuckers at Parks Victoria for not labeling their walk or campsite correctly. I hadn't been this pissed since I left Hamline University.

As I came back to the fork I saw another pathway that went up a hill to the back right towards the direction I came from on the trail. I went up this hill several hundred meters and again nothing. Thoughts of panic began to creep into my mind but my rational thoughts fought back: Ok Craig, I thought, through the process of elimination the trail to the right must be where the campsite is. I went back to the the fork and went to the right where the sign pointed for the trail and went along this route. I was nervous for several reasons,
1. I was now completely out of water
2. it was almost dark
3. if this was indeed the continuation of the GOW and the campsite was somewhere back at the three way fork, it would be another dozen or so km until I came to the next campsite.

I went on this path, hoping to see the sites at any moment...nothing. I kept going. Nothing. I climbed to the top of a fucking mountain thinking I could get a view of the valley and the area and at least see the fucking campsite...nothing. I fought real panic as I felt very alone all the sudden. I yelled off the top of the mountain "HELLLO!!!!". It echoed throughout the valley. No response. My loneliness intensified. At that moment I realized that the excess water from the cans of tuna in my bag might be my only water for that night. I might have to make my own spot to camp.

This is where the dehydration can play to the advantage of nature, because my brain was wanting to give into the panic but I had to muster the courage to yell out loud to myself "You're not going to die out here, Craig. Don't be a fucking pussy!" I was calmed by my own false confidence.
Thoughts of my family and friends crept into my mind as I walked back to the three way fork, completely spent. I thought that this was a mistake at this point, it was selfish for me to do this. For me to put myself into harms way for no reason whatsoever. I hobbled back to the sign and just analyzed it, hoping for the answer to my riddle to reveal itself.
I set my pack down and looked at my map. I looked at the sign: "Great ocean walk: camping by permit only" I thought back to the other campsites. All of them had the name of the campsite on the sign. Then it hit me. This wasn't a sign for the Ryan's Den campsite, this was just a random fucking sign on the walk telling us we need a permit to camp! FUCK! I wasn't even to the right fork yet. I looked at the map. I still had several more KM to go on top of the extra stunts I had pulled for a good hour or so. Out of water. I toughed it out.

By now my Achilles heels had lost all elasticity and I had to lift them off the ground and propel them forward with my torso like a pirates peg leg. I finally came to the base of the hill with the campsite at top, I could see the restroom. I walked up as fast as possible with shitty ankles. I went to the tank and enjoyed some fresh rain water. It was so refreshing. I walked down to my campsite and tossed my pack to the side and took a piss. It looked like a stream of caramel was coming out of my dick. I sat down on the hard ground and leaned my back against the dirt wall that surrounded my site. My eyes swelled with tears as I frantically drank my water.
Greg 2 Nature 3

Day 5, April 6:
Ryan's Den to Devil's Kitchen=15km aka 9.3 miles

I calmed down and got some sleep the night before. But not before looking at my map to see that this was an up and down walk that was pegged as the most difficult of the trip. Fuck. My exhaustion had become an issue. The first day was no problem, the second was fatigue, the third was fatigue plus dehydration, the fourth was fatigue plus dehydration plus disorientation. What was in store for today? Death? I mean I was essentially going to be spending the day in hell (Devil's kitchen) unless he orders out for his food but I doubt it. Who would make that commute? Unless the devil is a crazy good tipper, which isn't likely.

The day lived up to the billing as being the most difficult stretch. It was supposed to take 5 hours but I made sure it took 7 with my slow moving body. The views became redundant as I only hoped to find the satisfaction of victory upon completion. I had become numb to the pain, numb to the views, and numb to the experience, thus making this day quite a blur for me. The only part I cared to remember or even take a picture of was this side trip to see some Wreck Beach with anchors from wrecked ships.

Not worth it. I kept thinking about my friends back in WU to keep my mind off the pain of my jelly ankles.I laid down very early this night and had visions of a good bed, hot food (pizza), a beer, and solid rest. This day was difficult but uneventful therefore I will chalk it up to a point for the visiting team.
Greg 3 Nature 3

Day 6, April 7:
Devil's Kitchen to 12 Apostles= 12.9km aka 8 miles

I had rationed out my food to the point of having exactly one meal left for my last day. This was fine because I knew from my trip in February that there was at least some sort of refreshments at the 12 apostles info center. I got on my way this day, ready to finish my tour of duty. Most of the walk for this day was on an old back country farm road. I talked to myself a lot during this trip. I would say shit, run dialogues with myself (think about it), and sing every day when I was hiking by myself. This day was no different. At one point while in the middle of an Eminem track, I turned around to see that I was trailed by about 5 other hikers for the first time all trip.

I recognized one of them as a lady I had spoken with a few nights ago at Johanna Beach. I turned back to face the front and continue my rapping and walking when I heard a loud “HEY!” from behind me. I slowly turned around and the lady I recognized just looked at me and said “How are you going?” Me, being tired, sore, ready to finish the walk just said “fine” and turned around and continued walking. She sped up and walked next to me. “WTF does this lady want?” I thought. She looked at me and said “Can I ask you a personal question?” Oh shit, this lady wants to get some action…I took the bait.
“Sure”
“When was the last time you ate?”
I was thinking that I must really look like shit if I look like I haven’t eaten... “last night”
“oh so you did eat last night?”
“yeah?”
“cause we were eating outside and we saw you go to bed without eating and I was worried about you”
“I eat in my tent”
“What did you have”
“I dunno...tuna and some other stuff”
“let me ask you this, when was your last hot meal”
“a couple days ago”
“naughty naughty”
By this point in the convo I just wanted to tell this lady to fuck off and leave me alone, but she was genuinely concerned for my welfare.
Her: “you need to have at least one hot meal every day on these trips”
“obviously not”
She was a little thrown off by my rudeness, and to be honest I was a little too. But alas she was not deterred from bugging me as I trudged my weak lower body through the sandy road.
“do you have food for today?”
“yes I have some for lunch”
“well if you are getting hungry you should eat it”
(chuckling) “yeah that makes sense”

At this point she fell back to her group and left me alone. The desire to get out of this ladies sights was the best motivation I had had in 5 days!
At one point during this walk I saw a fox eat a wallaby.

Soon I left them in the dust and by lunch time I got hungry. I decided I would indeed take the ladies advice and eat at this point in time.
Only a few hours left until salvation, I thought as I ate at a river which was the halfway mark for the day.
I finished lunch and climbed up a hill or two, nothing too special. I got to some sand dunes on the shore and there in the water in the distance was one of the most gorgeous sights of the trip: the 12 apostles.
It took longer to climb through the beach dunes than I had expected, but having the end in sight was almost as good of a motivator as having mother goose chasing at my tail.
Finally after a good bit more of hiking I got to the end.
However this was only the symbolic end of my journey. I still had to walk a km or so to the info center.
I got there and got a snickers bar and a bag of chips. I had 3 hours until my bus came so I had time to think and reflect. I sat and ate the best snickers bar I will ever consume and I realized that if I had the chance to try it again I don't think I would, just because I know what to expect and it was very difficult. I like to think I'm in pretty good physical and mental condition but this was a test that far exceeded my expectations. It made me realize that the fear of the unknown can be a great motivation if you have the right attitude. And maybe knowledge and focus of the future is an inhibitor because it makes us think too much and build false obstacles or build up the small ones that exist. It made me see the importance of living in the moment.

For some reason when I walked up to the information center amongst the tourists and the families on Easter vacation I felt guilty about something. I felt like I had done something wrong, like I had killed something. I felt like a murderer. I don't quite know how to explain it, but I felt like I had destroyed something beautiful.
I went into the bathroom to wash my hands. As the clear sink water transformed to light brown while it twirled down the drain I looked up in the mirror and saw myself for the first time in a week. Something was slightly different. Sure my beard was a little thicker and my hair greasy, but there was just something else different. Perhaps I killed a part of my youth on this walk...who knows.
Either way, this journey was a milestone in my life.
Approximately 13 hours after I arrived at the 12 apostles info center, I made it to my house with a pepperoni pizza, a few beers, and a smile on my face.
Greg 4 Nature 3

The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

2010-04-09T09:21:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the college pursuit feels fruitless, like we are a paycheck doing the same shit as others before us. However, consider acquiring knowledge as a rebellious endeavor. Would "the man" like it if we read a book, or learned about a political issue, or wrote an essay? Yes, but those are the same weapons we must use to fight "the man". And it is only when we learn the inner workings of these weapons that we can use them properly. College is not a paycheck factory, it is weapons training. Arm yourselves my friends.

Taylor Swift Proves Me/Kanye Right!

2010-02-02T23:41:00.007-05:00

If you happened to watch the 52nd Annual Gramophone Awards on Sunday night, you no doubt saw some spectacular performances from Pink, Usher, Carrie Underwood, Smokey Robinson, Jennifer Hudson, Beyonce, and others. However, you also saw one of the most appalling spectacles to hit the Grammy stages since Outkast's "Hey ya" vomited rainbow Native American all over the 2004 edition.

I am of course talking about Taylor Swift's performance of "Rhiannon" with Stevie Nicks.

No disrespect to Stevie, but she could have let me go on stage in Taylor's place and we would have had a better rendition. Taylor's off-pitch singing was possibly second worst to some sort of faux-hippie dance she tried to pull off. She looked like an acid tripping worm trying to crawl out of a Coke bottle.

The whole performance was as flat and uninspiring as Taylor Swifts' chest.

Appropriately aimed blow

Taylor went on to win FOUR Grammy's that night:
1. Best Female Country Vocal Performance
2. Best Country Album
3. Best Country Song
And, I can't believe this is serious, 4. ALBUM OF THE YEAR

Best Female Country Vocal Performance? No one cares. She beat some crusted up lot-lizards that haven't seen radio play in 27 years.
Award for Best Country Album? I find it hard to believe that this is a real award.
Best Country Song? Don't you have to just release one to be nominated?
But Album of the Year? Sweet Allah in Paradise that is blasphemy...

She beat out the washed up groups The Dave Matthews Band and The Black Eyed Peas (Sidenote: what does the tall Indian guy do? I never see him do anything other than yell the last word of each sentence...). She also beat out the hot new artist Lady Gaga, but most importantly she beat BEYONCE!

When she won the award you may have asked "Where is Kanye? Why isn't he politely letting everyone know that Swift is undeserving and inferior to Ms. Knowles?" Good question, observant viewer! Kanye chose to skip the show in order to no doubt help the world with some other selfless good deeds.

He said last year that "I actually don't want to win any more Grammy's, because I have 10, and that's a perfect number. I don't want to have 11 Grammy's. That fucks my number up."
He won a couple more Sunday night. Kanye, your number is officially fucked up.

After T-Swizzle left the Grammy ceremony--she escaped before anyone had time to realize the monstrous injustice of her winning 4 awards--she posed in front of the cameras holding all of her awards. She looked like a teenager that had just raided her parents liquor cabinet; sure she was very proud of herself for reaping the booty but deep down inside she knew she didn't deserve it.

With so much emphasis and thought on the actual winning of the Grammy's, Taylor overlooked the infinitely more important maintenance of said awards as she dropped one of them on the ground and broke it.
WHAT?! Are you fucking joking? This is a prank show right? Taylor Swift's naive ass did not just break 25% of her Grammy's?

She feigned distress but obviously didn't give a shit about any of it.

At least we know she won't be winning an Oscar any time soon

After she broke it someone casually said "they got more of them don't worry", obviously a planted member of Taylor's PR entourage.
She casually looked into crowd and said "This happened earlier."
What the fuck does that mean? These are the first Grammy's you've ever won. Did you steal some awards before the show and break those awards too? Who admits to that? Then some shmuck just got her another one like it's no big deal. Yeah Taylor, let's just go tossing Grammy's like they're pumpkins off a bridge.

Beyonce won a female record 6 awards and held on to all of them like a fucking boss, and I'm sure she could have successfully held on to 7...Taylor.

Florida Drivers

2010-01-06T16:29:00.008-05:00

Since making Southwest Florida my seasonal home before Christmas I've noticed that this is the highest concentration of bad driver's I have seen in the country. Every afternoon commute I say 2 or 3 hail Mary's because let's face it, there's a good chance I'll be T-boned by a 73 year old who just learned they have a terminal illness last week.

Just because you're about to die doesn't mean I have to

Florida driver's have the blind aggression of a pack of frothing raccoons coupled with a 21st century teenager's general lack of purpose. Florida is the only state where I see more dogs with their heads out of the driver side window than the passenger side...I'm sorry, is there a recent influx of Scooby-Dooesque dogs that are bipedal and know how to drive a car, or are these just the results of stupid Florida drivers?

Passenger side...where he belongs.

The few young people that do exist here insist on texting every moment they are on the road and contrary to popular belief NO ONE is expected to use a turn signal for any amount of time in any situation. Yes, that includes you officer. We can't expect you to tolerate that infuriating clicky sound the blinker makes, you have important police business to attend to!

"Can you breathe OK, Marla?"

All of these factors combine to make for a dangerous driving environment, but how can you expect anything else from America's limp dick...

This leads to the obvious question: Why are people in Florida so stupid?

Ok, so if you've never heard of Florida or if you don't know anything about the state (I'm looking at you, Floridians) let me tell you a few things:
Florida is hot
Florida is full of transplants.
What I mean by that is there are very few people who are "Florida natives".
I think the weather is what gives the area so many dummies. "Greg I don't get it, you think weather causes idiot?" By no means my sentence fragmenting friend! I am hypothesizing that more dumb people move to warm places like Florida because they value something like warm weather so much that they move residence because of it.

Moving somewhere just because of the weather? It takes a real dingbat to do that...

Oh yeah

Jousting

2009-12-29T00:56:00.003-05:00

Aeroport Musings

2009-11-30T17:55:00.002-05:00

Here is what I wrote down, word for word, whilst waiting in the airport for my flight from Fort Myers, FL to Charlotte:

This place reaks of fake tanner. Pastel pinks and blues sprinkle the concourse like an Easter day brunch. At Casa Bacardi across the nave, a pilot orders a pint of dark lager. I check my phone to confirm the time...7:58 AM...It's not even 8AM yet, man! In his defense, he might have jet lag and his body thinks it's 4:58PM. I guess it is 5 o'clock soemwhere...this pilot's belly.

Several "bings" chime from the loud speaker informing me that the current threat level is "orange"...sweet. What the fuck does that even mean? red, blue, orange, pink, I don't care what the threat level is, they all mean nothing to me! "The current threat level is Cat Food" at least then I'd have a visual. Orange is too conceptual.

A cute girl with sun kissed skin, make that sun drenched skin, and platinum blonde hair (and shoes for that matter) just walked by on her cell phone, I only caught a glimpes of her front, but she looks great from behind, please be 18. She's just turned around and sat down in front of me. Wow...shes 18 alright...jesus, she probably has kids that are 18. i wish that was the first time I've made that mistake here...welcome to southwest florida. Where are the black people?

There is a man in a Navy blue sweater walking in a rectangle around several of the gates, talking to himself and scrunching his face and making strange hand motions..."The threat level has been changed to: Magenta".

The pilot getting drunk by himself at the bar should be considered a terrorist. He's more dangerous to me and my fellow passengers than the Asian man in a wheelchair they searched at the securty checkpoint. I remember after 9/11 there was an ad in Time magazine with a picture of a little boy, no older than 6, getting scanned and patted at an airport and it said "At what point does national security impede on common sense" or something like that.

Two guys just sat behind me, come on dudes, the whole fucking terminal is open! They must be French. I can't hear the music from the bar because they're talking too loud...the song is Heaven, sung by a woman I can't recognize. Navy blue is still making the rounds...

In all my years of flying, I've never sat next to a hot girl...or any girl my age for that matter. The first time it happens, I marry the woman. "Your personal threat level is: Irrational."

3 navy blue shirts are walking this way now...? Oh, the crazy man is joined by two TSA "agents" in blue walking down the nave. I'm still undecided on which one of them is a bigger threat to national security. "Your current threat level is: Cynical"

The French guys behind me and the faux cowboy in front of me need to shut their traps. Don't they know I'm a security threat?

The old couple that just sat down...they've lost it. I hope I don't sit next to them on the plane, they're fighting about eggs. Just leave your bags and get the woman her eggs, dude!

It's fun to pick out the people in the airport that you know are the reason terrorists want to blow us up. Just walk up to this kid that's bitching to his parents and say "You are the reason the Middle East hates us! You are why our threat level is at Pimento!"

Oh shit, we have a new character: girl leaning on windows with a yellow computer, crying on her phone loud enough for the whole terminal to hear. Why did you break up with her, Chad? "Your current threat level is: voyeuristic"

This guy walking into Casa Bacardi is trying WAY too hard: wannabe gelled hair, perfectly tussled around his sunglasses, black suit, white shirt, no tie, one too many buttons undone, get it together man. Wannabe jeans. Does that assholeish smirk come with the Gucci shoes, or is that sold seperately? Even I know that brown leather bag doesn't match his shit. I wonder if that gut was bought at a designer store? Follow up question: Is Wendy a well known designer? "Your current threat level is: jealous"

The faux cowboy turned out to be a Kappa Sigma from Brown University, go figure. He says it was before electricity so he doesn't remember much. I find this hard to believe. "Cattle, get on board." There are some desperately cute girls on this flight...and I'd love to propose to one of them. Too bad I'll get stuck sitting next to Shrek.

Creepers in da Library

2009-11-05T14:43:00.005-05:00

In case you were wondering, yes I do have an unnatural obsession with the library. I hope to get married on the second floor of Dacus library one day, and consummate it that night in the Microfilm room.

Getting ready to create some of our own ADULT NON-FICTION

For those of you who don't see me in the library every day, there is a little pod of three computers on the top floor. These computers are separate from the rest of the ACC computers. Of these three computers, the one of the left is my favorite. I sit there almost every day if I am writing in the library.

I found this to be an innocent little habit until yesterday...

I woke up at about 9am to get some homework done before my afternoon classes. I put on a shirt and tie for an interview I had later on in the day, this gave me what I like to call the "Tie Effect".

The Tie Effect can simply be explained like this: if I put on a shirt and tie with slacks and a pair of nice shoes, I will automatically be more productive. For no reason other than the fact that I don't want people to look at me and be like "Why did that lazy guy bother wearing a tie?"

Since the Tie Effect was in full force, I spontaneously went to the library at about 10am. I walked up the stairs, saw my pod of computers, approached my favorite one and began to settle in.

Then I saw before me something I could not comprehend....something familiar yet incredibly unsettling. Someone, on my oft-frequented computer desk, put a 4" by 4" cut out of this photo:

As seen on my most recent post below...

As I analyzed the print out I started to notice a few things:
1. There was nothing else written on it
2. This photo was not at any other computer
3. No one was standing around snickering
4. No one should have known I would be at the library at this time
5. Whoever did this knows that I frequent that very computer
6. Someone took the time to find my blog, print out that picture, cut the picture from the full sheet it was printed on, and place it at my favorite desk
7. I either have a stalker with a sense of humor, a creepy friend, or a regular stalker

The question still stands before me, mocking: Who did this? I asked a bunch of people and no one fessed up. My friends aren't that good of liars so I know it wouldn't be them...but God I hope this is someone I know.

I will end with this announcement:
IF YOU KNOW WHO THE LIBRARY STALKER IS OR IF YOU ARE SAID STALKER, PLEASE TURN YOURSELF OVER TO THE AUTHORITIES (ME) RIGHT AWAY FOR YOUR REWARD OF ICE CREAM AND RIDICULE!

Under my Umbrella-ella-ella

2009-10-27T14:50:00.005-04:00

There's a lot of shit going on in the world today:
1. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan
2. The economic crisis
3. Other stuff

but no issue is more troubling to me than the issue that everyone else overlooks: umbrellas.
You may be thinking "Hey Greg, isn't that a retarded thing to think about? I mean, you have class to go to." Good point Dr. Cornick, but this is really more important than accounting 280.

I walked outside today and noticed that it's raining a considerable amount. Furthermore I realized that little old me, after living in South Carolina for about 14 months, STILL doesn't have an umbrella. This is no problem, I'm a badass and embrace the precipitation.

But what about the other people who are not ragecore? I walked outside and saw a few umbrellas, sure, but there were too many wet heads out there. We need to get an umbrella in every hand!

Too many people have been going without for too long. Have you ever seen the Wizard of Oz?

That hat does not provide sufficient umbrella-like protection

In perfect accordance with popular belief, rain does indeed make people melt. And no, I am not talking about this Rain.

The last dog is the lining of his coat.

So how do we fix this problem? By ignoring it and letting it take care of itself like every other problem this country has (George Bush)?

No, we must equip every ill privileged citizen with an umbrella, then and only then can we begin to feed everyone.

As I always say: We need to protect the people from wetness before we can give them a belly of food. It's the same motto as Depends Adult Diapers.

A casual encounter, that's all

2009-10-13T10:52:00.002-04:00

(I had to write a short story for my fiction writing class based solely on dialogue...I chose for this to be all internal dialogue...and yes I am turning this in for a grade...suck on it)

Of course this is normal. We’ve been talking on the internet for what, two months now? People meet each other over the internet all the time. Yeah, it was a little awkward getting to know each other’s sexual history but I just have to know, I’ve been burnt too many times. Ever since Maggie and I broke up it’s just been me and the lizards. Hanging around a hallow apartment with nothing but empty dreams and mustard jars. That isn’t exactly what I imagined for my mid-20’s.
God, I can’t believe she’s single. What a find! Cute, smart, and a little kinky. She’s everything I’m looking for in a woman right now. Is this weird? Driving so far to meet a woman I met on the internet? What if she tries to kill me? What if she cuts my body into pieces and slow simmers my heart on the kitchen stove? Oh well, I guess that wouldn’t be any worse than what Maggie did to me.
This is a long drive…five and a half hours. Will she put out? Holy shit, what am I thinking, I just met this woman…over the internet no less. Of course she’ll put out. I think I should bring her something, some sort of house warming gift. She’s got a few people living with her…I hope they’re not home because Denise said they’re prudish assholes. I have lizards. Maybe I should have given her one of my lizards! No. That’s retarded, why would you think of that? I should bring her something more practical. Something that says “I’m an extremely thoughtful guy” and “I’d like for us to have sex.” Flowers? No, too cliché. Chocolates? Of course not, she might think I’m calling her fat…I got it! Condoms.
That’s it, I’ll bring her a box of condoms. It says all the right things: I’m thoughtful, I’m grateful for being invited to your house, I’m looking to have easy sex with you…well, maybe not that last one but the idea is still good. I know I always got some loosies hanging around in the glove box…here we go! It’s just a few solo dogs, not nearly as classy as a whole box, but it’ll have to do. Ok, I’m set. Wow I’m sweaty, holy cow. I can’t believe how nervous I am. I hope she likes my gift. “Here you go Denise, everyone knows that girls love to be protected.” Stupid.
Oh, shit stains! I’m already at her exit. I can’t believe I’m here already. When did I get across the Kentucky border? Oh God, oh man I’m so nervous. Wow, did that sneak up on me. Ok, 1345 East Furman Street…just a few more blocks. Shit, I really hope her D-bag roommates aren’t home. Is this wrong? Should I ixnay the condoms? No. The condoms idea was the best idea of the trip, keep it. East Furman Street, here it is…oh, fuck this is a nice house. Talk about independently wealthy. There she is! I can’t believe she’s waiting for me. Goodness Denise, you look more gorgeous than your pictures…actually you look nothing like your pictures. That’s funny, usually people look worse than their online photos. That’s fine, go get yourself cleaned up because we’re about to get real dirty. I can tell she is DTF for sho’. This is a little awkward but I could see this being a great adventure. Nice kitchen, I could use a snack. Woah! Who’s this asshole?
“I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. You are being filmed for our special on adults who solicit sex from minors called ‘To Catch a Predator.”

You're fucked

The Swine Flu Pandemic

2009-09-03T12:32:00.006-04:00

Thoughts on my own title: "Give me a fucking break!"

You have got to be kidding...even M. Night Shyamalan has Swine Flu

There are a lot of people throwing around the words "pandemic" and "epidemic" when talking about this whole H1N1 business. Really? You're calling this "a disease that is prevelant thoughout an entire country, continent, or the world"?

You know how many people have actually died from swine flu in America? According to the Associated Press barely more than 550! You know how many people have died from swine flu worldwide? 2185 people according to the World Health Organization. Even the W.H.O. has listed it as the "H1N1 Pandemic".

Ya wanna hear a pandemic? How about the Hong Kong Flu pandemic that killed 1 MILLION people in 1968? Yep...that is a pandemic.

Or how about the Spanish Flu pandemic that killed close to 100 million people in 1918? Yep...that is a pandemic.

Or, I don't know, maybe the BLACK FUCKING PLAGUE! The 14th century disease that wiped out almost half of Europe's population? Yep...that is a pandemic

3,000 people die each year from second hand smoke. Where's the talk of this pandemic? I'll tell you where, (no)where. It doesn't have the same striking fear as the official sounding H1N1 virus that is at level 6 of butt fucking your life capabilities. It doesn't sound as good as "there are 16 confirmed cases of Swine Flu in the U.S. today."

They really like that word, CONFIRMED. It's a great fear mongering word. It's a word with very catostrophic connotations.

"Has the president hit the red doomsday button?"
"Confirmed"

Confirm this, America's fear mongering media.

Fuck thou

According to the center for disease control, 36,000 people die from flu in an average year.

Lick away kid, lick away

The new KFC "Double Down" sandwich

2009-08-26T11:19:00.006-04:00

Imagine a scene in a flashy Las Vegas Casino: Lights are flashing, women are scantilly clad, cards are flying, people are drinking, and chicken sandwiches are the currency. A pretty typical sight at any casino.

A dealer with a clean shaven Pete Sampris-esque head deals blackjack to a table of sexy men and women.

The dealer is showing a 5 of hearts. The leader of the table, a tall man with chiseled features, has a 3 of spades and an 8 of diamonds, for an 11 total.
The tall, dark, and handsome man throws down a chicken sandwich and says "Double Down". The dealer obliges and throws a king of hearts his way to make an elusive 21. THE TABLE GOES WILD! They shout with glee as the dealer hands the man a chicken sandwich that has never been seen before. The crowd gasps in astonishment as they examine the mysterious sandwich.

Instead of using bread as a bun like some of the other lazy fast food shmucks, it uses fried chicken patties! "Of course!" says an onlooker "why has no one made a healthy, reasonable snack sandwich like this before?"

The star of the table, now proudly holding his newly acquired chicken sandwich looks at the camera and says "I guess it really does pay to double down" then he takes a bite of the sandwich and falls over immediately from heart failure. THE CROWD GOES WILD!

This is no longer the stuff of dreams people, KFC has made this a reality (except for the chicken sandwich currency part, sorry fat people). Now not only can you get a bacon chicken sandwich with two kinds of cheeses and sauce, but you can get that chicken sandwich with TWO FRIED CHICKEN PATTIES AS BUNS!

I know what you're thinking..."wow Greg, is that really something that is real? If so, it must be really healthy right? Like one of those fried donut pizzas?"

Strangely enough, that is not the case. The Huffington Post estimates that this killer of giants comes in at just over 1200 calories. However, other nutritional details are still pending. I expect the trans fat grams to be in the double digits.

The sandwich is only available in Providence, Road Island and Omaha, Nebraska for testing purposes.

This just in: McDonald's might be a better choice after all.

WATCH OUT FRENCH FRIES! IT'S THE MICHELIN MAN!

How about these sorry fucks who couldn't buy the $6.99 Double Down sandwich meal if their life depended on it? (which it does)

Imagine their astonishment if they found out that we have such a thing in America, and yet we still manage to have people with eating disorders. We still have people that have all of the nutritional opportunities imaginable and still starve themselves or gorge themselves or both.

Forget about Pearl Harbor, 9/11, the assassinations of MLK and JFK, this Double Down sandwich from KFC marks the end of America's innocence.

We are all guilty for the inevitable deaths that ensue from this monstrosity of a sandwich. Now we are all Dr. Frankenstein's...and this is our monster. May God have mercy on our souls.

The Joke Book

2009-07-31T23:23:00.002-04:00

As you probably know, I like to think I'm a bit of a comedian.
This I believe has stemmed from one item...an other-worldly possession that until recently had been long forgotten: THE JOKE BOOK©

It started on June 19th, 2004 as a way for my buddy Nick and I to pass time on the way up to my cabin. Over the course of it's run for the next two years it expanded its audience and users to friends and family...then it died on July 4th, 2006 only to be consulted once or twice for stand up material.

Tonight I was reminded by my friend Wade that the Joke Book is a great source of humor, sadness, and pride. So I pulled it out and regaled in some of its awful attempts at humor, and the few good attempts. I then decided I would share some of each with the world, AKA the people who want to read this, AKA probably the same people who wrote in the Joke Book©.

(If anyone with halfway decent artistic abilities would like to draw design/draw pictures portraying what is happening in each joke, let me know at larsong2@winthrop.edu. That would be fly as flonk.)

December 30th, 2004; Greg:
I remember as a child I loved to eat frozen treats on hot summer days, but something would always bother me when I had these treats. My Uncle Tim would always ask me if I wanted a diaper. I always sluffed it off as senile gibberish. I gues he thought I was peeing my pants. Probably cuz I always kept lemon popsicles in my pocket.

Summer 2004, Nick:
Carrie and Lance just had a baby. They did it the old fashioned way (they had sex) they didn't want to test tube baby. However this baby was hideous. It was so hideous they named him Ugo Face. But actually Ugo Face turned out to be a sexy beast when he grew up. But Ugo Face never got any recognition and especially respect with his name being Ugo Face and all.

Summer 2004, Greg:
Charles liked to eat lots of bugs, even more than the average second graders. When all of the normal kids would go outside and play, Charles would just climb trees and look sick a lot. His eyes were pretty fucked up too. One day the friends of Charles heard that he got run over by a truck. Charles was a lizard.

Yeah most of the jokes are little glimpses into the lives of made up characters. It's quite groundbreaking. As time went on, we wanted to come up with more and more outrageous names because the one rule of the Joke Book& was that you couldn't use the same name twice.

We also liked to make a lot of current events references. This next joke covers both of those bases.

4th of July, 2006; Nick:
Durmo was speeding home one night so he could get home in time to masturbate to America's Next Top Model. He was going so fast that he hit a pole. A second pole pierced through his leg. Durmo pulled out the pole only to find his wound split open wider than Paris Hilton's legs.

ANOTHER MADE UP WORD: mixter

Daily Musings

2009-07-30T13:07:00.006-04:00

How famous must one become before you can consider his/her killing as an assassination and not a murder?
I want to become famous enough that when I'm eventually killed it's called an assassination, but not so famous that some one makes a wax statue of me at some point...I don't want to get greedy.

If I had a kid I'd sell it for a years worth of rent. That way I'd get 3 months of interest in compensation for the 9 month pregnancy

I learned that the Hawaiian alphabet has only 12 letters. I think that means even I could win one of their "spelling bees". Actually they should just be called "guessing bees".
They'd be like "Ok Greg, your word is...Ma-wanna-hawna-ma-hoona-ha"
Greg:"What is the definition?"
Judge:"A stinkless skunk"
Greg:"What is the language of origin?"
Judge: "It's Hawaiian, jackass"
Greg:"Oh, right...ummmmm, well there's only 12 letters to choose from so....like an M and an A...W...A...N...and just repeat that like three times...Ma-hanna-banna-pajama-hamma?"
Judge: "Greg...that is CORRECT! Congratulations you are Hawaii's 35th annual Guessing Bee champion!"
Greg: "I'm the best guesser in a 50 mile radius!"

Just guess kid, you've got a
1 in 12 shot that it's right!

I have a buddy who is a pretty big pot-head. I was at his house a few weeks ago and we went into his bedroom to get ready for a party. He pulled a big bag of weed out of his shorts and stuffed it under his mattress.
I said "What are you doing?"
He replied "Hiding my stash"
I nodded in acknowledgment. Then I covered my upper lip with my index finger and said "me too".

These two phrases are said the same out loud but mean very different things when written:

We do everything but sex.
We do everything: butt-sex.

I had my computer stolen earlier this week. I went to the police to report a theft. The lady asked me the standard "W" questions...What's your name? Where do you live? When did it happen?
Then she asked me a gem of a "Who" question, she said "Do you know who took it?"...I of course said "No" because if the answer had been "yes" I wouldn't be there now would I?
"Yes ma'am, Marcus Harrington took it. He is actually one of my roommates, I'm just too shy to ask for it back so I thought you could help. What's that? That question is only asked to weed out the pussies? Well fuck you too, lady! I want to speak with detective McGruff!"

One of my friends, a white guy, took a box of my crackers (how ironic) and wrote his name on said box therefore claiming it's contents as his own. Our other friend in the room, a black guy, said
"Is that what white people do? Just steal other people's shit cuz they like it?"
I thought for a moment..."Yeah, pretty much. If you look back through history you will notice we have a long standing tendency of doing such things."
He said "Well shit...you're probably going to steal this conversation too". He said this jokingly.
But he was dead on accurate. Patent pending.

My girlfriend got pregnant last month. She told me about it and got mad cuz I got really excited. She said "We can't afford this, why are you so excited?" I just pointed at her stomach and said "BOOM! One year's rent!"