Learning: A Lifetime Project

fender f-ing bender

2007-06-22T21:53:00.000-06:00

A lady and I ran into one another in the band camp parking lot yesterday. My passenger side sliding door got quite a dent and her back bumper came disconnected on one side. We both stayed really calm and exchanged names and numbers and went on about our days. She called her insurance, me mine and (according to the agent I talked to) surprisingly our stories sounded exactly alike meaning my company will pay for mine and hers will pay for hers. UGH. Now another thing to manage, body shops and not having a car. . . .I'm sure there's a lesson in here somewhere. I just keep thinking that I can only learn so many lessons at a time and isn't it MY turn to get a summer vacation, God?

fear

2007-06-22T21:46:00.000-06:00

I hate it. I hate being afraid of anything. And, yet, tonight when my husband called saying he was going to be the designated driver for his brother and his friends since his brother graduated tonight, every muscle in my body got scared.

I guess that night so long ago when he came home pissing drunk is still on my mind. Every time I think about him drinking and driving it scares the shit out of me. But, if something were to happen to him right now, I don't think I could function. There's been too much bad luck running around here lately. I am afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it all if I lost him on top of it all.

I'm sure I should be thinking that he always keeps his word to me and that he said he wouldn't drink. He also knows how sensitive I am on this topic, so he is probably extra careful. I should give him more credit.

Breathe. Breathe.

slogging away

2007-06-20T19:31:00.000-06:00

Well, these last couple of weeks have really found me plugging away at several fronts. I am proud of myself for not braiding out of control though. And, I'm proud of the fact that Bradley and I are becoming stronger, not weaker, as a couple. That's big for me. The situation with Kazu's depression is so frustrating and overwhelming sometimes that I wonder how I will handle it, then something will wash over me and it seems manageable again. With Bradley's father's death, I've kept perspective on him and the situation in general and been able to ask him what he needs and offer support. That feels good even though he's not asking for much.

It almost doesn't seem like summer break though. What with Kazu in band camp and us getting up and running off to take him every morning. . . .late nights and sleeping in haven't been options.

Stuff

2007-06-18T07:11:00.000-06:00

I asked Dee the trick to keeping a house clean and she said, get rid of two-thirds of the stuff! Wow! I'm going to work on that this summer. Starting right now. Why is it we Americans keep so much stuff around?

Fathers, Dads, Daddies

2007-06-18T07:00:00.000-06:00

Don't know if we're typical or not, but it seems like our fathers haven't been what we need in many ways. My father checked out by drinking and just dismissing me throughout my childhood. I always figured I'd get a chance to work it out after I moved out of the house like the other kids did. He died first. I didn't calculate how much worse things had gotten between the time Ray was leaving home and the time for me to leave either though. I think I was much more impacted by my daddy's behavior than the other kids, though I know we all have traits.

Bradley's father wasn't always what he needed either. He tells stories of how he wished his father would have done this or that with them. In the pool the other day Bradley commented that he can't believe that his father didn't get how great this is. Both kids were in the pool with me and a friend just hanging out. Bradley was sitting on the steps and it seemed like he was really letting that moment soak in to his soul.

Then there's Kazu. Fumi sure isn't doing even the minimum to help him. We went by to see him for Father's Day yesterday so Kazu could take his gift. I'm thinking they shouldn't see each other any more. Nothing really happened during this visit, I just could see that Fumi is doing nothing to take care of his own depression so can certainly not be counted on to help manage Kazu's. And, at this stage, if you are not a part of the solution, you are the problem. I think on some level Fumi knows that and is denying visitation because of it. At least I like to think so. Sometimes I choose to live in fantasy land.

While Kazu and I were out yesterday I pointed out that he and Bradley had a special opportunity that most of us don't get. They can be for each other what they couldn't get from their own fathers. I'm not sure he believes it yet, but I'm going to work on it. Bradley has really been working hard for the past three plus weeks on helping Kazu with his depression and not contributing to it. It shows because Kazu's episodes have been fewer and less intense as a result. Now that Bradley's father is gone, he's even more intensely committed to getting this right.

Stench of Death

2007-06-18T06:58:00.000-06:00

Wow, hope no one I know ever has to deal with the stench of death as intimately as I have these last ten days. I've had to sterilize the interior of the vehicles, toss all kinds of papers, and am still working on treating antiques in the hopes of saving them. It's been a struggle. Then, sometimes, when I know there's nothing that should be causing it, I smell it.

bittersweet memories

2007-05-30T15:37:00.000-06:00

Today I went to lunch with some folks from school. It was nice to be able to kick back and relax with them since tomorrow we will all be busy trying to get out of there for summer vacation. Two other former teachers happened to land at the same restaraunt and joined our already sprawling crowd. The conversation was lively. Everyone was trading stories about their experiences with the high schoolers and the set up of the trailer park and what have you. I laughed so hard. And, when the topic turned to their new principal, I sure felt good knowing that I wouldn't have to worry about it. I'm set for next year.

Aya Lou

2007-05-28T18:48:00.001-06:00

That girl is a keeper for sure, I tell you. Yesterday while I was out shopping for beach stuff, did I mention we're going to the beach next week? she went around the yard pulling flowers. She brought them in and put vases in both bathrooms and on my night stand. She knows how much I love fresh flowers and she did it just for me.

She is so sure of herself and satisfied with who she is, too. That really impresses me. She is quick to tell you what she thinks of any given situation. Like tonight at Meme and Danny's we played a card game that she couldn't participate in. In the van she went on about how that wasn't nice because she felt left out. I need to come up with something fun for her.

Gonna go think on that one.

Fumi

2007-05-27T14:04:00.000-06:00

Well, Fumi is sure not helping our situation here. He has not called, emailed or in any way contacted the kids in over a week. Kazu has called him and he doesn't answer the phone. Kazu has emailed and Fumi doesn't respond. I feel like going over and kicking his ass. In the back of my mind is also oftentimes the question, "Has he packed up and moved back to Japan?"

In Kazu's fit today I looked him in the eye and told him that I am sorry his father is not doing what he needs for him to do. "I'm sorry he doesn't call you or email or respond to your calls and emails." I also pointed out that it's not Kazu's fault. He said his mood has nothing to do with Papa. I beg to differ.

In talking to Janice yesterday (I wondered if she had heard from him and if not was thinking to go over and see if the place is cleared out!) she said he's emailed her saying that he considers suicide, but he doesn't want Kazu to copy him. Fumi's mentioned that sometimes he thinks if he moves back to Japan things will be better for everyone. She said she's told him that if he moves back to Japan this time not to try and contact the kids before they are 18. I'd rather him not contact them at all, and allow them to make that choice if they ever want to find him. I can find him in Japan if I need to. The kids are still on his koseki tohon and are Japanese citizens, so they have the right to track him if they wish and I could help them with that process. Janice did say that he has mentioned trying to get out of this lease. I'll bet he moves back to Osaka in October when he can get out from under it. Hopefully by then Kazu will be steeled for such disappointment and have a good relationship with the therapist and more tools to calm himself and deal with stress.

Yesterday Kazu said something about going to the drive in to see Shrek 3. I said, "Yeah, maybe we can do that next weekend." He quickly pointed out that that is Papa's weekend. I didn't have the heart to tell him that Fumi's already said that he won't have them then because "rent and utilities are due."

That's the part that pisses me off the most. He does stupid shit that breaks the kids' hearts and I am the one who not only has to tell them, I'm the one that has to deal with their anger and frustration at it all.

There is hope

2007-05-27T13:57:00.000-06:00

Just a couple of hours ago I wanted to just go to bed. In fact, I did. See, Kazu and Bradley are having ANOTHER rough day. I get stuck in the middle and can't do anything to make it better. I had talked to both of them seemingly resolving nothing. Kazu internalizes his pain and then expresses it through verbal ugliness. I can't stand to hear it, yet couldn't stand to let him stay in a room alone either for fear he was angry enough to hurt himself again. He and I laid in my bed for a bit.

After a good thirty minutes, and another not so nice exchange between the two of them, Kazu decided he really wasn't right. I asked him questions to get him to see what had caused the conflict, then made him (through my witness and prodding questions) tell Bradley what the cause was. Bradley came to understand that because everyone at church had commented on his new glasses, which make him look incredibly handsome, by the way, he was feeling teased. Because of his glasses, he was having a bit of a headache. They went outside in the heat during church and he was already not feeling a hundred percent. So, "all the little things added up and I took it out on you."

I pointed out in front of Bradley to Kazu that Bradley really has been trying harder to not only be fair with his discipline, but create chances for the two of them to have fun together. Playing the PS2, getting him early from school to go to Pirates 3, playing in the pool, riding bikes, etc. Kazu had to admit that he could see it.

Maybe this won't be so horrible after all...

psychosis

2007-05-24T17:14:00.001-06:00

Last night was hard too. Man, when does this raising kids thing get EASY? I'm not sure I signed up for a lifetime of hard!

At bedtime again, Kazu said that when he closed his eyes he heard voices telling him to hurt himself. This is the second night in a row. The first night I put him on the floor in my room -- usually totally out of bounds, but I didn't feel comfortable leaving him in a room alone. It scared me.

Last night I thought maybe he was trying to manipulate the situation to sleep on my floor again. Then he went into the bathroom and claimed to see a man in there that was coming after him. He started swinging at the air and crying, "Leave me alone!" That was even scarier than the night before. He slept on our floor again.

I talked to a psychologist friend of mine who helped me process this. She said it's not unheard of for the disease to present as psychosis in kids, and regardless I should call the psychiatrist immediately. As we talked I realized that it's been about four weeks since he started and my sister said it'd take four weeks to get into his system. I asked if there was a link and the psychiatrist leaned towards no, but as we talked more, he said to stop the Prozac and he's calling in some Seroquel to help him fall asleep faster.

Geez, Louise, I sure hope this works out.

dropped the ball

2007-05-23T15:44:00.000-06:00

Hmmph. Guess I have to admit I'm not 100% reliable. We've had problems communicating about getting the boys to and from school these days. Bradley took Kazu a couple of days and asked Cordell if he wanted a ride which he refused. Well, Big Cordell thought Bradley hadn't offered. No sooner than we get that straightened out than today Cordell waited on Kazu because we forgot to tell them that he had a psychiatrist appointment set up. SHIT!

My head is just not in the right space.

Last night Kazu started with serious depression again saying he wished he'd died on the field when he fainted yesterday. AND that he always ruins everyone's life and so on. That puts me in to panic mode. Today was the first time since he's gotten out of Lakeside that someone's been able to meet with him. That is frustrating as it's been weeks now. I was so focused on getting him to the appointment that I just forgot Cordell.

That sure is a shitty feeling. We both were feeling guilty and went over to apologize, but it didn't seem to help. That's all we can do I suppose. I HATE not thinking that I can always be depended on.

my garden

2007-05-21T19:16:00.000-06:00

I'm so proud of myself. I've dug in the dirt more this year than ever and though I've only harvested strawberries, the garden sure is pretty. I have yellow squash (Bradley's fave!), zuchini, three kinds of tomatoes, carrots (so sis can see how they grow underground!), and both pickling and slicing cucumbers. Aphids are kind of a problem right now, but I'm sure I'll get them before they get me! And there are ten or twelve tomatoes already on the plants. I'm loving it! Some days I walk the garden in the morning and at night. It's so peaceful and centering. I sit back there with a glass of red winde and just marvel.

Leslie

weekend wedding

2007-05-21T19:06:00.000-06:00

Julie and Randy got married this past weekend at Bethany Hills. It was a beautiful service and reception and, of course, she was glowing. During the service they asked all married couples to hold hands and touch each others' rings and renew your vows. That was a nice touch.

The Woodalls all (but Ben and Jake) made it in, so it was good to see them all. Kazu took his unicycle and amazed me by riding over all the gravel and roots. I can't believe he's only been at it six months or so. He threw a fit a couple of times because everyone wasn't catering to him. They were dancing at the reception, how dare they! I pointed out that it's not ALWAYS all about him. We're still working on that one.

This weekend we'll have some of his friends over for a pool party. I sure hope several of them can make it. It would be a good way for him to end his year. Grahamwood is not doing a promotion program or anything else for fifth grade optional kids even though they've cancelled the sixth grade optional class. Boy am I glad I had decided to get him in at White Station! I think he'll know several kids at band camp this summer though.

That has me excited. I love that he'll get to know one of his teachers and lots of the band kids before school starts. He'll already know some folks and be more comfortable. He sure hates change so I am hoping this helps ease that anxiousness. The doctor called it obsessiveness and I'd guess that is true.

Sis got out of school on Friday and had a promotion party and all and Friday afternoon the board changed their mind and decided to hold PreK class until May 29th after all. Well, they'd already announced it and her teacher didn't find out til today. . . .organization is a skill I think should be prerequisite to being in charge!

Five days and counting. . . . .

Growing Up

2007-05-16T18:21:00.000-06:00

Well, as often happens, my kids remind me of what I felt growing up.

See, this morning I gave Kazu some money for a field trip. They were headed to the mall. Not my first choice, but whatever. He had been a pain in the ass trying to earn some money yesterday for doing a whole lot of nothing. Well, this morning I just handed him ten bucks and told him to do what he liked with it. He has over a hundred dollars in the bank, not a quick spender. I just wanted him to enjoy.

When I got home, he met me outside and complained that when he told Bradley what he'd bought, Bradley said it was a waste of money and ya da ya da. Well, when I came in I told Bradley that when I was growing up, on field trips I always felt less than. I NEVER had as much money as the other kids and always felt constrained by it. I simply wanted him to enjoy himself. He goes to school with millionairres and whereas I don't want him keeping up with the Joneses per se, I also don't want him to feel less than like I did.

At dinner Kazu pointed out that one kid in his class had a hundred bucks from his dad because he doesn't get to see him much. He said this kid bought everyone a frappuchino and also bought lunch for Kazu and another kid. Humph. Proves my point. I liked that Kazu understood that the trade off was this kid doesn't get to SEE his dad, only gets money. AND I liked the fact that Kazu was able to buy the same thing that kid and another kid also bought and to feel good about it.

I love that boy, I tell you. I really want him to fare well in this mean old world.

The New J-O-B

2007-05-16T18:17:00.000-06:00

Today I went to my new school. I'm so excited about the staff and the facility and the kids. I can hardly wait to get started! I was talking to the grade chair about the supply list and she pointed out that they have a math LAB stocked full of manipulatives, so they didn't pu t rulers, etc. on the supply list. I almost fell out in the floor! I cannot imagine having every thing I need to teach!

AND I think the best part of all is I like the people on my team. We were all there today and hung out discussing the schedule. They had personality and seemed to LIKE each other. It was so comfortable. I get to ONLY teach fourth grade math. I swear it's like a dream come true! ONLY Math! Wow!

mother's day

2007-05-13T07:39:00.000-06:00

Well, some years I've done a good job of getting books made for the kids. I started that when Kazu was six and feeling depressed. He sometimes says he ruined my life. Said it the other day as a matter of fact. I've made them titled, "I love you because. . ." and "You are special to me because..." I think the next one will be more original. That will take more time though, so who knows when I'll get it done. Maybe for their birthdays.

I got my mom an African violet because when I was growing up I remember Grandmom having a couple. Seems like she would put them under her bed in the winter time because they die back? I can't quite remember if that's right, but I thought it'd be cool for mom to get something that might also remind her of her mom. She's also coming over for dinner and though I said I'd cook out, I think I will pick up some barbeque instead. I don't much feel like cooking.

The pool is all ready to swim in! Yay! Now, just the water has to get warm enough. I bet the kids jump in after I get it vacuumed again though. They do it every year. Jump in, lips turn purple, jump out.

Sun not screened

2007-05-13T07:36:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I worked in the back yard for several hours powerwashing the deck mainly. I got quite a sunburn. Wearing a spaghetti strap shirt in the sun for hours with my complexion and no sunscreen was stupid! I hurt this morning.

Whew!

2007-05-12T10:49:00.000-06:00

Things have been tough these past few weeks. Lots to celebrate now, though.

Bradley is done with class, earning three Bs and an A. Only two more classes and either student teaching or two years of teaching to get him licensed! Yay!
We all went to a PTA meeting at my new school. It's official now. I was blown away by it all. One mom made elaborate costumes for each of the hundred kindergarteners who performed four or five songs and EVERY kid had a speaking part. The principal introduced all of the new teachers. The audience was a good mixture of black and white and parents did not allow their kids to make fun of the students on stage who stumbled over their parts. In fact, the kids who tripped up got the most applause! It felt good.
Kazu's been in (and is now totally released from) in patient care for depression. THAT was the hardest thing I've had to do in memory. We (Bradley, Fumi and I) attended family therapy twice while he was there and THAT was excruciating. BUT, he's learned some new coping skills, we're spending more positive time as a family, and we don't have to do therapy with Fumi any more! Yay!
Only five more days of school for Ayaka, and eleven for Kazu and I. I cannot wait. Much of my stuff is packed and sitting in the garage waiting for June first when I can move into the new place.
Both kids spent the night at friends' houses last night and Bradley and I got up and enjoyed breakfast on the patio. That was really nice.

There are also lots of things to look forward to:

The BEACH! June 4-9th. . . .can not wait!
Julie's wedding is the 19-20th and we're all going and Cheryl and her whole family are meeting us there. THAT will be a good weekend.
June 1st and 2nd I'll be doing the Freedom Journey experience at church. I'm on the committee and we get to go through the experience first hand to help us better plan one later in June. I'm hoping Fumi will have the kids and Bradley and I can do it together.
Kazu's doing Band Camp at his middle school this summer. I'm excited to see him learn an instrument.
I'm opening the pool this weekend and soon it will be hot enough to swim and relax back there. Have gotten much of the deck powerwashed and made good progress with the chemical balance of the water.
Mother's Day is tomorrow and my mom is coming over for a cookout.

Life's good these days.

Peace and War

2007-03-17T14:35:00.000-06:00

Went to a peace march today. Been a year since I have. It reminded me of the person whom I used to be. In college I was the one putting marches together, getting groups to drive to the City for a march, or convincing friends to join me on the missile silos. I was the one who was protesting injustice in the schools for "my kids" and who stood up and spoke out when things on campus weren't right.

Now I am a part of the systematic injustice in the school system here where the kids who need the most get the least. I don't feel like I stand up to the injustice I see and feel and hear around me. I've become scared: for my own safety as well as the implications of standing alone against a crowd. That saddens me deeply.

Stress Management or Lack There Of

2007-03-16T07:31:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I sat down at the computer and completed lesson plans for the remainder of the school year. YAY! No more worrying on Mondays if I had worked far enough ahead to cover that week. On top of that though, I looked at my Renaissance test scores. Now, that was depressing. Since winter break my students have lost knowledge. I know that part of the reason is that the dynamics in my classroom now have me terribly stressed out and I'm not teaching well which is impacting their learning. I have got to come up with some better ways to manage this stress.

Depressing aside, though, I went through and identified the specific skills I need to focus on with the class. On some of the SPIs only 11% of the class (one kid) got the question right. So now, for reading and math, I know exactly where to focus. I will need to do all of the best practices reading skills I can muster because we did horrible on that part. They tend to like math (because I do, I am sure) and did a bit better on it, but wow, those reading scores were low. I've got to strategize.

I wish I could see all of these reports for my son so I would be able to assist him with his skills too. I'll ask his teacher for them.

Also yesterday DS and I went to the National Civil Rights Museum where I was inspired by all of the quotes. I want to post a quote a day for students to practice their handwriting with and for them to respond to. They could say what they believe the person meant, what it meant to them, or if they've ever heard it before. There were so many wonderful quotes on those walls. I'll have to search for some on line. I only need 50 or so to finish out the year! Wow, that sounds good.

This is our weekend without kids and I am making a point of it to do NOTHING around the house. I want to be able to finally truly relax before spring break is over. All of the planning I'm going to get done is done, all of the cleaning must happen before 4 PM today when the ex comes to pick up the kiddies.

I want to take one of my necklaces that I got from my grandmother to the bead shop and restring it into something that I will be willing to wear. It has some pretty neat beads on it, but the strands are broken and it sits too close on my neck for it to be comfortable to me. I hope to get it done.

Still looking forward to the beach. . . . . wine at sunset on the beach. . . . oh yeah. . . .

Life's Good

2007-03-15T09:32:00.000-06:00

Things are really clicking along for me right now. My husband and I are happily married, though busy with him in 12 hours of graduate class and us both working. My kids are fairly well adjusted with only a few bumps in their roads. AND yesterday I was offered a position with another school, though that offer isn't official just yet. It's spring break so I'm not stressed out and I've gotten more work done in my back yard this year than I have in all other years combined. I'm feeling good.