Learning English with Free Online ESL Short Stories

The Last Leaf - Part One

2008-10-21T17:59:00.000-07:00

In New York city there is a district west of Washington Square called Greanwich Village. Its narrow streets and eighteenth-century buildings give it a great deal of charm. Not many years ago, artists were attracted there because of the low rents. Thus the interesting old Village became a popular art "colony".

At the top of a three story brick house, Sue and Johnsy had their studio. Sue and Johnsy's real name was Joanna. She had come from California to live in New York. The other girl was from Maine. They had met at a small restaurant on Eighth Street. When they found out that theire tastes in art, food, and dress were very much alike, they decided to share a studio.

That was in May. In November, a cold, silent stranger, whom the doctors called Mr. Pneumonia, moved quietly about the colony, touching one here and one there with his icy fingers.

Mr. Pneumonia was not a polite old gentleman. Little Johnsy, her blood thinned by the warm California weather, was no match for that red-faced, short-breathed, old fellow. And so he touched Johnsy with his icy fingers, too; and she lay ill, scarcely moving, on her old iron bed, looking through the small window at the blank side of the brick house next door.

One day when the busy doctor came to examine Johnsy, he asked Sue to follow him into hall. "She has about one chance in ten," he said as he shook down his thermometer. "And that chance depends on whether she wants to live. This patient has made up her mind that she's not going to get well. Is there anything on her mind?"

"Well, she has always siad that she wanted to paint the Bay of Naples some day," answered Sue.

"Paint? Nonsense ! Is there anything on her mind worth thinking about twice - a man, for instance?"

"A man?" Sue exclaimed in surprise. "No, doctor, I'm sure she's not worrying about a man."

"Well, her problem is just weakness then, caused by the fever. I'll do everything in my power to save her. But when a patient loses hope of getting well, the power of medicine is reduced by at least fifty percent. If she starts asking questions about the new winter fashion, I can promise you a one-in-five chance for her in stead of one-in-ten."

After the doctor has gone, Sue went into the studio and sobbed. Then forcing her herself to smile, she entered Johnsy's room with her drawing materials, whistling a popular tune.

Johnsy lay very still under the bedclothes, with her face toward the window, Sue stopped whistling, thinking Johnsy was asleep. She put down the drawing board and began to make some pen and ink sketches to illustrate a magazine story. As Sue was drawing figures on the board, she heard a low sound which was repeated several times, she went quickly to the bedside.

Johnsy's eyes were wide open. She was looking out of the window and counting but counting backward.

"Twelve," she said, and a little later, "eleven"; and then "ten" and then "nine"; and then "eight " and "seven".

Sue looked curiously out the window. What was there to count? There was only a bare dull yard and the blank side of the brick house a few feet away. An old vine, decayed at the root, climbed halfway up the brick wall. The cold autumn wind had blown the leaves from the vine until its branches were almost bare.

"What is it, dear? Tell me !"

"Six," said Johnsy, almost whisper. "They're falling faster now. Three days ago there were almost hundred. It made my head ache to count them. But now it's easy. There goes another one. There are only five left now."

"Five what, dear? Please tell me."

"Leaves" - on the vine. When the last one falls. I must go, too. I've known that for three days. Didn't the doctor tell you?"

"Oh, I've never heard such nonsense," said Sue. "What have those old leaves to do with your getting well? And you used to love that old vine so much. Don't be silly. Why, the doctor told me this morning that your chances of getting well soon are ten-to-one! That's almost as good a chance as we have in New York when we ride on a streetcar or walk past a building under construction. Please try to eat some soup now. Let me go back to my drawing, so I can earn some money to buy food and wine for us."

"You needn't buy any more wine," said Johnsy as she continued to stare at the bare vine. "There goes another leaf. No, I don't want any soup. There are just four leaves left. I want to see the last one fall before it gets dark. Then I'll go, too."

"Johnsy, dear,' said Sue, bending over her, "will you promise to keep your eyes closed and not look out the window until I've finished my work? I must deliver these drawings tomorrow. I need the light; otherwise I would pull down the window shade."

"Can't you work in the other room?" Johnsy asked coldly.

"I'd rather be here with you," replied Sue. "Besides, I don't want you to keep looking at those silly old leaves."

"Tell me as soon as you have finished," said Johnsy, closing her eyes and lying white and still as a statue. "I want to see the last one fall. I'm tired of thinking. I want to go just like one of those poor, tired leaves."

"Try to sleep now," said Sue. "I must go downstairs to ask Behrman to be a model for my next drawing. I won't be gone a minute. Don't try to move until I get back."

To be continued

While the Wife is Away

2008-06-30T02:41:00.000-07:00

John Perkins walked slowly toward his apartment. He had just finished a hard day's work at the office, and he knew precisely what would happen when he reached home. After all, he said to himself, there are no surprises awaiting a man who has been married two years and lives in a tiny New York apartment. He knew that his wife Katy would meet him at the door with a kiss flavored with lipstick and candy. He would take off his coat, sit in his favorite chair, and read the evening newspaper. After dinner, which would consist of the usual meat, two vegetables, and fruit dessert, Katy would show him the clothes that she was mending. At half past seven they would spread newspaper over the furniture in order to catch the pieces of plaster that fell from the ceiling when the fat man in the apartment above them began to take his exercises. Exactly at eight, the couple in an apartment below them would begin to argue loudly. Then somebody in the house across the street would begin to play a musical instrument. Something would go wrong wih heater. A friend of his wife's who owned a little dog would come in for a moment before taking her evening stroll. And the whole evening routine of the apartment house would be the same always.

John Perkins knew that these things would happen. And he knew that at a quarter past eight he would reach for his hat, and his wife would ask, "Now where are you going, John Perkins?"

"I think I'll go to McCloskey's Poolroom for a little while", he would answer. "I want to play a few games of pool with the fellows."

Lately this has been John Perkins' habit. At ten or eleven he would return. Sometimes Katy would be asleep when he came in; sometimes she would wait for him, ready to express her opinion, which was always unfavorable, of his nightly habits.

That night, on his arrival, John Perkins found everything different. Katy was not there to greet him with her candy flavored kiss. The three small rooms of the apartment seemed to be in complete disorder. All of Katy's clothes lay in confusion - shoes in the middle of the floor, and clothes, powder box, mirror, hairbrush, and combs piles on the bureau and chairs; this was not the way the apartment usually looked. Katy was exeptionally neat. With a sinking heart, John began to realize that something serious had happened.

Lying on the dining room table was a piece of paper, John picked it up quickly. It was a note from his wife:

Dear John,
I just received a telegram saying that my mother is
very sick. I am going to take the 4:30 train. My brother is going to meet me at
the station. There is some cold meat in the refrigerator. Pay the milkman fifty
cents. And don't forget to write the gas company about the meter. Your good
socks are in the top drawer of the bureau. I'll write tomorrow.

Hastily,

Katy

John and Katy had never been separated during their two years of married life. John read the note over and over again. Here was the first break in a routine that had never deviated, and it left him feeling very confused.

On the back of a chair the red apron, which she always wore while preparing his meals, hung empty and formless. Her weekday clothes had been thrown here and there in her haste. A little paper bag of her favorite candy lay on the floor, and near it was the daily paper. Everything in the room suggested a loss of something close to him. John Perkins stood among these things with a queer feeling of loneliness in his heart.

He began to straighten the room as much as he could. When he touched Katy's clothes, a feeling of helplessness went through him. He had never thought how life would be without Katy. She had become so thoroughly a part of his existence that she was like the air he breathed - neccessary but scarcely noticed. Now, without warning, she was gone, as completely absent as if she had never existed. Of course, her absence would only be for a few days, or a week or two at the most, but it seemed to him as if death has visited his secure and uneventful home.

John took the cold meat from the refrigerator, made coffee, and sat down to a lonely meal. As he ate he thought about the many times Katy had served him at that dining room table. Now his home as wrecked. His mother-in-law had upset the whole household routine. After dinner he sat near the window and thought about Katy.

He didnot want to smoke. Outside, people were going by, and the noises from the street attracted his attention. Suddenly an idea occurred to him. Why shouldn't he go out? After all, he was free - as free as any gay bachelor. He could wander through the city all night long if he wished to do so; there would be no Katy waiting for him when he came home. He could play pool at McCloskey's with his friends until dawn if he wanted to. Katy was gone.

As John Perkins sat there in his tiny living room, he began to understand why he felt so sad. He knew that Katy was necessary to his happiness. His love for her had been dulled by the routine of married life, and now he as shaken by the loss of her presence. It was like the old saying, "One never misses the water until the well is dry."

"I'm a fool", thought John Perkins. "I've been mistreating Katy. Every night I play pool and have fun with the fellows instead of staying at home with her. The poor girl is here all along all evening with nothing to amuse her. I'm the worst kind of husband. When Katy comes home, I'll take her out and let her have some amusement. And I'll stop going to McCloskey's right now."

Yes, at that moment there were places he could go to and have a good time. At McCloskey's the fellows were knocking the balls around on the pool tables. But nothing could persuade him to join them. He could think of nothing but Katy. Katy's blue dress was laying on the back of a chair near his right hand. Midway on the sleeves there were tiny little wrinkles made by the movement of her arms while working for his comfort and pleasure. Tears - yes, tears - came into John Perkins' eyes. When she returned, everything would be different. He was not going to neglect her any more.

At that moment the door opened. Katy walked in carrying a little handbag. John stared at her stupidly.

"I'm certainly glad to get home", she said. "Mother wasn't very sick. My brother met me at the station. He said she got better soon after they telegraphed me. So I took the next train back. I'd love to have a cup of coffee."

As she said this, everything returned to normal. The routine again !

John Perkins looked at the clock. It was 8:15. He reached for his hat and walked to the door.

"Now where are you going, John Perkins?" asked Katy.

"I think I'll go to McCloskey's Poolroom for a little while," said John. " I want to play a few games of pool with the fellows."

Most interesting Stories

2008-06-29T06:21:00.000-07:00

These are most interesting short stories in the world.

While the wife is Away.
The Last Leaf: Part one Part two
One Thousand Dollars: Part one Part two
The Christmas Gift
After Twenty Years
Jimmy Valatine: Part one Part two
Soapy and The Cops: Part one Part two
A Bond of Sympathy

It's A Television Set

2008-06-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth was a very pretty girl, and her parents were rich. Quite a lot of the young men in the town wanted to marry her, but she was not satisfied with any of them

One evening, one of the handsomest of the young men who wanted to marry Elizabeth came to visit her in her parents' house and asked her to become his wife. She answered,"No, William, I won't marry you. I want to marry a man who is famous, who can play music, sing and dance very well, who can tell really interesting stories, who does not smoke or drink, who stays at home in the evenings, and who stops talking when I'm tired of listening."

The young man got up, took his coat and went to the door, but before he left the house, he turned and said to Elizabeth," It isn't a man you're looking for. It's a Television Set".

Brushing and Blossing

2008-06-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

Kevin had just finished dessert. It was a piece of dark chocolate, washed down with a glass of cold milk. Delicious! He rinsed his mouth out with a glass of water, and then spit into the kitchen sink.
He sat down at the dining room table and grabbed some floss. He carefully flossed his top teeth and then his bottom teeth. Flossing was a chore. The floss almost always got stuck between two teeth in the upper back and two teeth in the lower front. Finally finished, he threw the frayed floss into the trash.
He went into the bathroom and grabbed his electric toothbrush. TV ads always show people putting toothpaste onto the entire length of the brush. Of course, that was to get them to use up the tube faster so they’d have to buy another tube sooner. Kevin put just a little toothpaste onto the brush. He brushed for about a minute.
He spent another 30 seconds brushing his tongue. Then he spit out all the toothpaste, and gargled and spit again.
Brushing and flossing are such a pain, he thought. If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they invent something easier and faster than toothpaste and dental floss?

Your Country Thanks You

2008-06-08T17:04:00.000-07:00

Jordan Wolf signed up for the Army as soon as he graduated from high school. After Jordan took various aptitude tests, the recruiter said that Jordan scored high in electronics. He would receive a stateside assignment in a computer lab, where he would learn to program software and repair electronic hardware. Also, Jordan would receive a $10,000 cash bonus.

He attended eight weeks of basic training at Ft. Benning, Georgia. While in training, he talked to his new buddies about how he was going to be in a computer lab stateside after basic training. His buddies were amazed, as all of them were going straight to Iraq. They all graduated from basic training on a Friday and spent the weekend getting drunk in nearby Columbus.

On Monday morning, the drill sergeant told all of them that their next duty station was Iraq. Jordan told the drill sergeant that there must have been a mistake. “The Army doesn’t make mistakes, soldier!” the drill sergeant barked at him. “Now pack your gear. You’ll be in Baghdad in two days.”

Jordan wrote letters to his congressman and senators while he was in Iraq. He couldn’t believe that the recruiter had lied to him like that. Meanwhile, for almost 18 months he went out on daily missions looking for the bad guys. One day, his vehicle got blown up by a handmade bomb. He got shrapnel in his left eye and was permanently blinded. The Army gave him a glass eye, declared him unfit for duty, and discharged him.

After enrolling at Troy University, Jordan got a letter from the Pentagon. Maybe it's a commendation, he thought as he opened the letter. Since he hadn’t completed his three-year commitment to the Army, the letter said, he must return all of his cash bonus, plus interest.

The Amazons and The Warrior-women

2008-06-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

Amazons were the warrior-women in Greek myths. In the stories, they were so fierce that even the Sun was afraid and refused to visit them so their country was dark and icy. They broke the legs of all male babies, to cripple them; only females were allowed to grow up to become warriors. The Amazons cut off their right breasts to make it easier to throw spears and shoot with bows and arrows. They ate raw meat and dark mares's milk and fresh, warm blood.

To the ancient Greeks, Amazons existed only in stories. They were unreal as monsters, giants or witches.

But 2,000 years later, when the first European explorers landed in South America, they faced female and male warriors armed with arrows, spears and blowpipes. The warriors never showed themselves, vanishing into the forests before they could be caught. The Europeans thought that their enemies must be descendants of the ancient Amazons, so they called the area Amazonia, and its swirling waterway the River Amazon.

The Five Word "AND" sentence

2008-06-08T08:26:00.000-07:00

Can you think of a sentence in which the word "and" appears five times, without any words in between? There is one at the end of this story.

There was once an inn which was called " The Horse and Cart". It had a sign outside it which has a picture of a horse and a cart on it, but the sign was getting very old, so the owner of the inn decided to have a new one made. He went to a painter and asked him him to paint one, and to write " The Horse and Cart" on it in large letters.

A few days later, he went to see how the painter was getting on. He liked the picture of the horse and the cart very much, but he did not like the writing at all. He said to the painter, "No, no! There's too much space between HORSE and AND and AND and Cart!"

Jokes: More Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes III

2008-06-06T05:04:00.000-07:00

A man walked into the bar. As he waited for his drink, he notices a gorgeous young Indian girl sipping a soft drink at the other end of the bar. He told the bartender to give her a real drink. The bartender replied,"I can't. The C.P would be one my ass."

"What's the C.P.?"

"City Police."

The man finishes his drink and ordered another. Again, he asked the bartender to give the Indian girl a real drink, but this time the bartender said, " I can't. The S.P. would shut me down."

"What's the S.P.?"

"State Police."

Just then the Indian girl got up and walked out of the bar. The man hurried out after her. An hour later, he staggered back into the bar, his clothes covered with blood, his nose broken.

"The F.B.I. got me." the man moaned.

"What do you mean, The F.B.I.?" the bartender aksed.

" A Fucking Big Indian!"

________________________________

After temple one evening, two movie producers went to the men's room together. While standing next to each other at the urinal, one asked the other if he knew old Rabbi Rabinowitz.

"why, yes," the other replied.

" I thought so. He cuts at an angle and you're peeing on my shoe."

Jokes: More Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes II

2008-06-06T04:38:00.000-07:00

What's an Irish seven course dinner?

A boiled potato and six pack.

______________________________________

Two Polish hunters managed to kill a deer. They started to drag it back their truck by the hind legs, but the antlers continually got stuck in the weeds, making their job very difficult. It took them hours to get within a couple hundred yards of road, where they met a third hunter.
"Hey," the third hunter said. "it's a lot easier if you drag the deer by the antlers."
The two Polacks took advice. a while late, one said to the other, "That hunter was right. This is a lot easier."
"Yeah," replied his partner. "But now we're over a mile from the truck!"

___________________________________

A barnstorming pilot was touring Scotland selling rides in his open cockpit bi-plane. One day, he got into an argument with a stubborn Scot who insided that he be allowed to bring his wife along at no extra charge. Finally, the pilot said, "I'll take you up for the price of one if you promise not to utter a sound. One peep, and the price is double."
The pilot and the couple climbed aboard. The pilot executed some death - defying stunts but Scot and his wife remained totally silent. Finally, the pilot gave up and landed the plane.
"I don't believe it," the pilot called back as he taxied to a halt. "You're a very brave man."
"Thank ye," the Scot replied. "But I can't deny there was one time when you almost had me?"
"When was that?"
"When my wife fell out?"

Jokes: More Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes I

2008-06-03T16:49:00.000-07:00

What did the Mexican man and the Polish girl call their baby?

Retardo.

______________________

What's difference between Scotch tape and Mexican tape?

Mexican tape doesn't have a sticky side.

______________________________

What is the name of Puerto Rican version of "Roots?"

"Weeds."

___________________________

Why wasn't Christ born in Puerto Rico?

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

___________________

Why are there so few blacks in Alaska?

Because the growing season is too short for watermelon.

__________________

How can you stop blacks from jumping up and down on the bed?

Put Velco on the ceiling.

________________________

How do you keep five black guys from raping a white woman?

Throw them a basketball.

___________________________

A moment or two after a highway accident, an old Jewish man came up to a woman lying by the roadside. " Have the police come yet?" The man asked.
"No," the woman moaned.
"Has the ambulance been here yet?"
"No," the injured woman repeated.
"How about the insurance company?"
"No,"
"Listen" the Jewish man said, bending down. "Do you mind if I lay down next to you?"

A Clever Villager

2008-05-28T18:37:00.000-07:00

Some villagers were going to celebrate an important wine festival in a few days' time, so they borrowed a huge barrel from the nearest town, put it in the village square and determined that each of them should empty a bottle of the best wine he had into it, so that there should be plenty at the feast.

One of the villagers thought he would be very clever. 'If I pour a bottle of water in, instead of wine, no one will notice it,' he said to himself, 'because there will be so much excellent wine in the barrel that the water will be lost in it.'

The night of the feast arrived. Everybody gathered in the village square with jugs and their glasses for the wine. The tap on the barrel was opened - but what came out was pure water. Everyone in the village had had the same idea.

Some Humorous Stories I

2008-05-27T08:12:00.000-07:00

A Lion Tamer

A novice lion tamer was being interviewed." I understand your father was also a lion tamer," The reporter queried.

"Yes, he was," the man replied.

"Do you actually put your head in the lion's mouth?"

"I did it only once," said the new tamer, "to look for Dad."

Reservation

At the Lake Hotel where I worked downtown Chicago, the official maxim was " Give the customers what they want." Our ability to meet that goal was tested one day when a large tour group overwhelmed the registration area.

One impatient man bullied his way through the crowd, banged his fist on the front desk and demanded,"I want a room that faces the ocean!"

In a voice that all could hear, the young clerk answered, "Certainly, sir. Atlantic or Pacific?"

Their Card

My husband and I maintain both joint and separate credit card accounts. As I fumbled in my purse one day looking for the right card to pay for some purchases, I explained to the salesclerk that I had "my" card, "his" card and "our" card.

"That's okay," he replied, "As long as you don't have "their" card."

Right Row

"I beg your pardon," said the man returning to his seat in the theater, "but did I step on your toes when I left?"

"You certainly did!", answered the annoyed patron.

The man turned to his companion."Honey, come on," he said, "we're in the right row!"

The Motorcycle Rider

2008-05-27T00:50:00.000-07:00

Jay was born to ride. Just after learning to walk, he got his first tricycle. A year later he was on a bicycle with training wheels. At the age of five he was a skilled bicyclist, able to jump off ramps and fly through the air. His father made sure he did everything safely. Jay wore a helmet, a chest pad, elbow pads, and knee pads. He fell a lot, but he was never hurt badly.
He got his first motorcycle when he was seven. His father put the motorcycle in the back of his pickup and drove Jay out to the desert almost every weekend. Jay became a skilled rider. He entered motocross races all over the county. By the time he was 15, he had won 30 races. His future looked bright.
When he was 17, Jay took his girlfriend out for a ride on his motorcycle. A truck ran a red light, and Jay and his girlfriend crashed into the side of the truck. Jay went into the hospital for three months. His girlfriend died immediately.
Jay didn’t ride a motorcycle again for 10 years. Then one weekend he bought a used Kawasaki. He took it out for a test run at dusk. It felt good to ride again. He got it up to 110 miles an hour on the local freeways. A highway patrol car chased him for about ten minutes, but he finally lost it in the freeway traffic and the dark. When he got home, he was excited. That was fun, he thought.

Shopping Carts Everywhere

2008-05-27T00:37:00.000-07:00

Look at those damn shopping carts, Joe thought. Two of them were parked on his front lawn. Two more were parked behind his car in the driveway. His neighborhood had gone to hell. He lived half a mile from Foodco, a supermarket chain. Nobody should take a shopping cart half a mile from the supermarket. And no one with any respect for others should leave a shopping cart in a stranger's yard.
Shoppers should push the cart out to their car, and then leave it there. If they don't own a car, they should buy their own personal cart to transport their groceries home.
He called Foodco to tell them that four carts were on his property. They said they would be over as soon as they could. That meant about a week. Throughout his neighborhood, carts were scattered in various places, including the streets themselves. As if kids, pets, and potholes weren't enough, drivers now had to dodge shopping carts. Joe wondered how there could be any left in the supermarket. Foodco paid over $100 for each cart, so he thought they'd guard them better, Instead, they did nothing to secure the carts. They simply paid someone to drive around the neighborhood once or twice a week to pick up stranded carts.
Joe opened the yellow pages of his phone book. He was going to hire a contractor to build a fence around his lawn and a locking gate for his driveway. Enough was enough.

Vocabulary Learning:

Shopping cart: a kind of trolley; basket used to carry goods by customer

supermarket chain: a system of many supermarkets owned by the same company

neighborhood: surrounding area where you live

Young Boy Defends Sister

2008-05-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

nine-year-old boy defended his sister from her angry ex-boyfriend yesterday. Woody Harrelson, 24, who had a house key, had hidden in the closet of the Shatner family’s home waiting for his ex-girlfriend Ethel, 23, to return. He attacked Ethel with a knife seconds after she arrived home. She was carrying their 11-month-old baby in her arms. Woody stabbed away, not caring if he injured his baby or not. Ethel, bleeding and screaming, ran into her bedroom and put the baby into the crib. Woody followed her into the bedroom.
Curt ran into the bedroom and jumped onto Woody’s back. From behind, he managed to jam his fingers into Woody’s eyes. Woody yelled and dropped the knife. As Woody stumbled around rubbing his eyes, Curt grabbed the knife and plunged it twice into Woody’s lower back. Woody ran out of the house. Curt held onto the knife in case Woody came back. Ethel called 911. The paramedics treated Ethel’s wounds and transported her to the hospital, where she is in stable condition. The baby, protected by its heavy clothing and a blanket, was unharmed. Woody has not been caught yet.
All hospitals in the area were alerted to watch for Woody, because Curt said that he “got him good.” In fact, said one doctor, Woody should get to a hospital as soon as possible. He might bleed to death if Curt actually punctured one of Woody’s kidneys. The paramedics and police commended little Curt for his bravery. He said that it was his responsibility to protect his sister, because “when Daddy’s not home, I’m the man of the family.”

Smart Student.

2008-03-31T01:03:00.001-07:00

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look."Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

Recovering Thinker.

2008-03-31T00:59:00.000-07:00

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.
Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?

Medical Problems

2008-03-31T00:57:00.000-07:00

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible!

What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Catch A Rabbit.

2008-03-31T00:54:00.000-07:00

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.The FBI goes in.After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.The LAPD goes in.They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Cup Holder.

2008-03-31T00:52:00.000-07:00

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

I Know This Lawyer.

2008-03-31T00:49:00.000-07:00

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"

Best Known Man In The World

2008-03-31T00:45:00.001-07:00

There was a man named Sulio and Sulio knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Sulio got a new job, Sulio says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Sulio says "Yes I do!" so Sulio's boss says "Well prove it!" then Sulio says "Pick someone... and I know them!"

Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!
Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a little more than I can take!

Duck Hunting

2008-03-31T00:42:00.000-07:00

He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the nw Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.
Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can.
Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??
Let's talk about the dog: it's a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. Especially well trained at retrieving things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck..
The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!
And you thought your day was not going well.

Nasty Bug

2008-03-31T00:40:00.001-07:00

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left. The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.

He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded."Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."