Learning Life's Little Lessons

Empathy

2009-01-30T05:06:00.006+09:00

Your biggest and most valuable tool to never getting offended or upset can easily be summed up into one word: understanding. Only through understanding can you acquire empathy for another. You truly get an idea of why people do the things they do and react the way they react, and in doing so you can save yourself from unnecessary anger or even a bad judgment call!

Understanding can easily be achieved by simply putting yourself in another’s shoes, seeing the world through their eyes, getting in their heads and knowing (or even imagining) what they’ve been through to get them to where they are now. Some basic knowledge of psychology would be a valuable asset in achieving this, but not absolutely necessary. If you get a chance, do yourself a favor and take out a book or two on human behavior. If not, you can learn from being observant, asking questions, and just being your own researcher.

Most of people’s behavioral problems can be linked back to parenting issues. Studies have shown that the first 6 years of a child’s life are the most crucial in their development and if they don’t receive everything they require nutritionally, emotionally and educationally (and no I don’t just mean academically), then they will have a very difficult time overcoming life’s challenges. Not to mention children usually inherit the bad habits, view points and even health problems from their parents, and it’s not always the easiest thing to break free from those cycles.

So next time someone does something that would trigger anger in you, stop and put yourself in their place. Have some compassion. Ask yourself the “whys” and you will most likely inspire pity for them rather than anger, which will enable you to deal with the issue rationally and without escalation. Why pity? Because most of the time the guilty party just doesn’t know any better. They didn’t have the same experiences that you have had to bring you to where you are.

Remember, if humans seem to be the source of your problems, then learn what makes them tick. The same can be applied to any aspect of your life! Unless of course you’re happy in your own misery…well in that case, what are you even doing here?

Cure for Stress

2008-10-16T19:36:00.013+09:00

What is Stress? The definition may vary slightly from person to person, but we've all felt its effects at some point or another and have our own experiences associated with the word. Stress is the failing to respond appropriately to emotional or physical threats we happen to perceive day to day, and the symptoms can range anywhere from mild irritation to serious health risks.

The term stress was invented by man to describe the body's reaction to a threat (the alarm we first feel, the resistance we put up, and then finally exhaustion). One might say it is 'man-made', and in this day and age has become widely overused and abused and is the scape-goat of mankind to why we can't cope, concentrate, stay calm, or just plain be happy!

So what can we do about it??? Well, the last thing I would suggest you do is take any type of drugs or medication to ease your 'stress'. Most of the time it is just a band-aid treatment and will only create an unneeded dependency. It's like when I hear that someone has picked up smoking in order to help deal with the stress of school or work, it really actually saddens me. Smoking might help a smoker relax their nerves temporarily due to getting their needed fix of nicotine, but a non-smoker to start for that same reason is a little absurd since they're just creating a new dependency that needs fulfilling... but of course, I digress. There's a better, less temporary and logical way of reducing or eliminating stress from your life, I assure you.

First off, looking back at our definitions, we have to come to terms with the fact that most of the time stress is either imagined or exaggerated in our minds. All we have to do is take control of our imaginations and we can easily steer ourselves in the right direction! It is how you perceive 'stressful' situations that make them stressful to begin with, otherwise it is just another challenge you can and will easily overcome (just like you always have). If you're a logical thinker, you can use statistics to back up your reactions to these situations. Ask yourself, has something like this happened before? How many times in your life? Did you get through it alright? If you take a moment to really think about it, you will realize that you've consistently overcome stressful situations throughout your entire life, and they have helped shape the individual that you are today. I mean, you've made it this far right? Statistically speaking you're going to be okay, because you always have been...

I will mention this concept repeatedly throughout this site, but your life is kind of like your very own movie, where you're the writer, director, and of course the lead roll. This concept is important, because it puts you in the driver seat, giving you control of your life! You are not really a victim of circumstance, but rather an empowered being with the ability to fashion your own environment, how it reacts to you and most importantly how you react to it.

Let's say you're at work and your boss gives you what seems like an unreasonable deadline to complete "X" amount of work. You have a few options (aside from confronting your boss in protest). You can of course panic: worry that you may not be able to get the work done in time and then envision how your boss will react to this. You might worry that you'll get fired, remember all the other mistakes you've ever made at your job, and this cycle of thinking might continue in a systematic downward spiral (worrying tends to cause a chain reaction of negativity). Of course this might be an exaggeration for you. You might just worry about one of these things, it really all depends on the type of person you are! Regardless, the effects of the stress are very real, and you begin to perspire and your heart rate rises. Some people thrive off of this and use the adrenaline to get the work done as quickly and efficiently as possible, but most might not do so well as their emotions cloud their judgment and productivity.

Your other options? Well, first and foremost, always take a moment to breathe. Deep proper breathing will eliminate your anxiety if you focus on it, because it slows your heart rate and gives your brain more oxygen and energy for your body. You may not have noticed, but in a panicked or stressful situation we tend to subconsciously hold our breath, or breath very shallow (watch for it next time). This in turn cuts off the level of oxygen going to the brain, escalates the heart rate (which is trying to deliver as much oxygen as possible), causing a chain reaction in the body which in turn makes us physically more panicked, creating a cycle that was born in your mind. It sounds simple enough, but proper breathing (which the average person rarely does, or even knows how) can control hysteria, stress, anxiety, and anger, among other things.

So now that we covered the breathing, what else can we do? Well your thought patterns should go something like this: "I have been in situations like this before. I have met deadlines in the past so there's no reason to believe I can't do this. I have overcome every obstacle I've ever met one way or another because I'm here now at this very moment aren't I? And even if I don't end up getting this done on time, I will do my very best and know that no one else could possibly do any better. And if my best isn't enough then I'm better off working somewhere else where I'll be appreciated for my efforts..." and so on and so on... a positive cycle of thinking (because it's always possible to put a positive spin on things). The fact is that staying calm will actually allow you to use better judgment and time management in order to get the work done as efficiently as possible. Even the belief that if you stay calm you will get through this is enough to help. Stress is avoided.

Another general solution is to really think about how important the stressful issue is. Ask yourself if it's really as big a deal as you're making it out to be (because usually it isn't). Now compare the situation to something much much worse. Now, aren't you grateful it isn't what you imagined? Sometimes it's hard to think positively in every given situation, but you have to force yourself to see the pro(s) in it somehow, or use the 'things can always be worse' card. The more you look at things positively, the more naturally this ability will come, and then eventually that's how you will approach every problem in your life automatically. You will learn to see problems as a challenge to overcome, a test of character, and something that can ultimately give you strength.

Stress can also be avoided through positive distraction. You can focus on something good in your life, or a future date or plan you can look forward to. Even focusing on a goal is healthy! There are many ways to divert yourself from what we may see as 'problems' and get through life stress-free. We've all heard the phrase "sh*t happens", meaning that life isn't perfect. A reason for this is because if we were happy all the time then we wouldn't know it, for "without the sour, the sweet wouldn't be as sweet". Don't act surprised when something unexpectedly wrong happens, because it usually is a necessary humbling experience that will help you appreciate the good things in your life much more than you already do. If you can understand these laws of the universe and the necessary balance, then maybe you can feel more at peace with your own life.

Studies have shown that the #1 cause of cancer is actually stress, not bad eating patterns, smoking addictions, cell phones, etc (although they certainly don't help!). It puts unnecessary strain on your immune system and cells, and can be very exhausting after the adrenaline rush dies down and your energy is depleted. You will live longer, healthier and happier too, if you can learn to relax and stay in control of yourself. Don't be the star of a mental breakdown /psycho-drama movie. Be the likable lead that overcomes obstacles and has a life full of adventures and happiness...

Thank you for reading.

-The Friendly Individual

Anger Management (part 2)

2008-09-18T18:24:00.008+09:00

**Anger management cont'd**

Nobody wants to be a slave to their emotions. We want to be in control of ourselves and not have to regret anything we've done afterward, right? Well getting control of how anger effects you is a major step in the right direction. Let's see some other factors that can contribute to the problem and more tips to help us cope...

To Vent Or Not To Vent?

Believe it or not but venting isn't always the wisest way to help yourself simmer down, especially depending on the individual you choose to vent to! Most friends or family will happily lend an ear but tend to agree with what you may be complaining about, taking your side, and hence fueling your fire. This allows you to elaborate further and find more about the incident that angers you, escalating the situation rather than helping defuse it. So unless you have someone wise enough to give you a proper objective view on the situation, don't settle for someone's biased view no matter how tempting and satisfying it may be. Another option may be to find a creative or artistic way to vent, such as writing in a journal, making music, or any other hobby or form of expression that can be used as medium to reduce your stress levels.

Respond, don't React

It won't be easy but you have to undo what has most likely been instilled in you from childhood. Depending on your role models, your parents, your friends, or just genetics (you might naturally be more aggressive or impulsive than others), you now need to condition yourself not to act, but rather to respond. Not everyone has the best command of the English language and can't always articulate what's going on in their minds, so keeping it simple is best. Also keeping things short and staying focused is always a better way to express yourself because you might trail off topic, bring up the past, and most likely lose your listener's attention (humans can only take in so much information at a time). So keeping things short (within maybe a minute at a time) and then letting the other speak while you listen is a good way to keep your anger from escalating and a healthy way to communicate back and forth.

Fight or Flight

The "fight or flight" response to acute stress we've been hardwired with should now be a thing of the past. We're conscious beings that are able to transcend beyond our primitive carnal instincts. We have the will and ability to overcome any obstacle and do so without resorting to violence or barbaric impulses of the past. We should look forward with a better solution, both calmer and mutually beneficial that moves society forward, not backwards.

Latest "News"

Lots of people watch television, almost everyone we know actually. Television can be a source of entertainment or information, and keep you busy for hours on end sometimes. Unfortunately, your television may be doing a lot more harm than you think, specifically for those of you that watch the News. Now I can go on and on about the negative aspects of television commercials and the problematic media influences on society that television is also guilty of, but I will choose to stay on topic for argument's sake.

Television News programs tend to express extreme viewpoints (usually one sided) on almost any topic and on both local and international events. As we all know most news is "bad news", but it is usually delivered in a way to get you angry, depressed, or raise fear in you. It changes the way we look at the world, at one another, and delivers an unneeded amount of negativity that is not worth your time or attention. If you wish to learn about the happenings of the world, by all means use any other medium (although even some newspapers and magazines tend to deliver news in the same manner, so be careful). Give your nerves a rest and you may be a lot less prone to anger if you cut out television news programs from your life.

Making Anger Your Ally

Anger can be a positive thing depending on how you express it. Learn to harness the chemical responses within you caused by anger and learn to be more assertive, bold, and quit wasting energy on unproductive anger! It can be used constructively to challenge injustice and wrong, and inspire and change the world for the better! If there are things you want to change in your life but are just too afraid or don't have the willpower to do so, anger can be the perfect motivation you need to jump start and get things into motion . It is invigorating, and energizing, and can be used to protect you from harm and defend yourself against perceived threats (as long as you use it in a positive way, of course). Getting control of your anger doesn't mean being a victim or a push-over to the knuckleheads of the world. Ask yourself what it is you wish to achieve when you get angry, how you would like it to happen, and how you can achieve it in the best way possible for everyone, and anger can inspire a positive change in you, and even others.

**I hope that you enjoyed and learned something about Anger Management. If you have any questions, want me to elaborate on anything I've mentioned, or have a topic you'd like me to discuss, please feel free to let me know via email at: aforwardthinking@gmail.com**

Thank you for reading.

-The Friendly Individual

Changing Your Views, Habits And Patterns

2008-09-14T03:33:00.016+09:00

**I wanted to post this although I'm still in the process of finishing the second part of the Anger Management post which should be available sometime this week.**

This topic is concerning people's general view on life, how we process things and what we pay attention to day to day. The problem being most people give their attention to the wrong things in life, and as you may know, the more attention you give to something the more power you give to it, and the more predominant it becomes in your life! So, for someone who focuses mainly only on the negatives in life, that person can (and will) probably only see those negative things around them and also 'coincidentally' have more negative things occur. Quantum Physics has shown that our internal emotions, thoughts and intents can have a big impact on our environments and surroundings, but I will get into that in more detail in a future post.

I'd like to keep things as simple as possible for now though: Whatever you decide to divide your time and energy to, the more impact it will have in your life. Whether we're talking about a person in your life, your job, an addiction, a thought pattern, etc, it can and will consume you. Now this doesn't necessarily mean you should ignore the things that bother you or cause negative energy in your life, but rather to be aware (and in control) of them and take proper actions if necessary. Sometimes a simple solution can be to distract yourself from a negative thought pattern just long enough to 'break' the cycle and habits of your unproductive repetitions.

A female friend I know tends to pay extra attention to the people around her, but more specifically to their physical appearances, and fashion choices. This causes her to both be very judgmental (even just in a joking sense) and also makes her very self conscious in comparing herself (and her insecurities) to those she may find in better physical form than herself. You can see how this can be a set back in both personal development and self confidence; placing too much importance on something (which in the larger scheme of things) doesn't really matter all that much, even though at that moment, it may matter to her. Of course, everyone has the right to think what they will and have their own opinions, but if it in turn has a negative effect on you personally and your outlook on life then is it really worth it to be thinking it at all? How does it allow you to improve yourself and move forward?

A superstitious person will always have bad things occur if they don't follow the superstitious 'guidelines' they believe in because of both their strong belief in them and the fact that they are looking for them to occur. Same as those that see a particular set of numbers or patterns reappearing everywhere they look. If you're looking for it, you will see it everywhere. That being said, how much good or beauty do you see around you each day? You must find how this may apply to your life, maybe habits that you wish to overcome, or someone you wish to spend less time with (but can't seem to remove yourself from), or a particular way of thinking that is detrimental to your overall happiness. Avoid and distract yourself from digressive patterns long enough so that biologically your chemical dependencies change, and it will make it easier to overcome. I will explain further about the biological dependencies emotions and habits can create within us in a future post as well.

In the meantime, stay positive. Don't just try and stay positive, because then you will be conscious of your trying to do so. Just be the person you wish to be, imagine everything about that person and then become them. Remember too to look out for the little things that matter most , the people, and moments that make life beautiful, and focus on the things you're most grateful for. The less time you spend worrying or paying attention to the things that don't really matter, the better off you will be, and the more energy you can focus on the things that give life meaning.

Find your purpose

Thank you for reading.

-The Friendly Individual

Anger Management (part 1)

2008-09-04T22:09:00.017+09:00

What is Anger?

Ok, let me start by clarifying that anger isn't a bad thing. It is a natural emotion just like any other and can in fact lead you to do something positive. What is bad is how anger can make some of us react instead of respond and lead to actions that are later regretted. Some people can deal with anger well, but others are easily triggered to anger and they can harbor those feelings for hours, sometimes days.

Emotions can be blinding, especially when one is felt very strongly (i.e: "blinded by love", or "blinding rage"), and it's not always the easiest thing to gain control of when felt! The reason we say blinding is because one loses their ability to make rational decisions when strong emotions are felt, particularly with anger. So we will discuss a few things that can be done to better control ourselves when something triggers this curious emotion.

Health risks

Not all of you know this, but your thoughts and emotions play a BIG part on your overall physical health! To some this is common knowledge, but to others this may seem a little absurd, so let me explain. It has been proven that anger can raise blood pressure (which can put you at risk to heart attacks), but furthermore negative emotions such as anger can lower your immune response, cause your body to become more acidic, and set off it's natural processes and cycles (such as elimination), which can in turn cause a chain reaction of health related issues.

Of course we all know the effect it can have on friends and families also. Anger can break up relationships, and keeps people at a distance. Once you're angry you lose all credibility in any disagreements where you're trying to prove a point also. It can be a major setback in life, so if you or someone you know has anger issues, they need to want to get better and help themselves, and the first step can be reading this.

Solutions?

Ok, so what can you do about it?? Well, there is no ONE answer that works for everyone. I will provide a summary of things you can do to help you cope with anger and be on your way to living a happier, peaceful life asap!

Healthy lifestyle.

First thing's first, a healthy lifestyle can have a drastic effect on your anger problems. High intakes of alcohol, caffeine and nicotine, and low nutritional diets will only exacerbate things! You should also try and eliminate sources of anger and stress if possible. If you're working too much and don't really enjoy your job, maybe it's time you found something better? If your significant other or a friend seem to be getting you angry more than they should, have a talk with them, and if after trying the techniques in this post they don't seem to want to improve as you do, then it may be time to move on! Well, you get the idea... a healthy lifestyle means just that, a healthier life!

Change Your Viewpoint

Your view on the world can have a significant effect on how you react to it. If you're a cynic expecting the worst all the time, or tend to blow things out of proportion and see them as much worse than they really are, then that's problematic and you need to get to the source of it. Try giving yourself more options and being empathetic! If you place yourself in other's shoes more often you'll be a little more forgiving. Example: If someone cuts you off on the highway, instead of automatically thinking they did this on purpose to YOU, give yourself other scenarios such as 'maybe they are in a serious rush, or have an emergency far greater than your appointment' and you wont react the same. Would you want others to think the worst of you all the time? I didn't think so.

The fact is no one knows why people do the things they do sometimes, so assuming the worst is what I like to call 'Y2K syndrome'. Remember how there was a panic before the year 2000 and some people packed food away in bomb shelters, withdrew all their savings, and prepared themselves for a catastrophe that didn't happen?? THAT is what you're doing when you think the worse will happen, you're wasting energy on a possibility that is most often than not, wrong. Especially when there is no way of really knowing what's going on in another's mind or heart, you're just doing yourself a disservice by writing a negative spin of your own.

Philosophical Reasoning

Another thing that is hard for some to do, is to reason before their emotional impulses eliminate any chance of being able to do so (studies have proven that once emotions get the best of you, your ability to reason and think logically is all but gone). So, you have to realise that once something has happened, it is now in the past, and no one has the ability to change the past (that we know of anyhow, lol). Hence, instead of dwelling on the fact that something happened, you're better off putting that energy towards rectifying, repairing the issue, and making things better (that is moving forward, instead of staying in one spot, or worse yet backwards). People tend to waste too much time stuck in the past, when they should care more about the present and future. So? Either you can be the one to lose your cool when the milk is spilt, analyzing and trying to figure out how and why it happened, or you can accept that what's done is done and clean it up.

Walking Away To Cool Down

Sometimes you might try to reason or change your viewpoint but you can't help yourself and you're fuming about something or someone. A good suggestion is first taking a moment to realise and rate just how angry you are (on a scale from 1-10), and then removing yourself from the situation immediately. Let the person know you need a moment of course and that you will be right back, and go for a walk or somewhere quiet where you can relax for a moment. It is important to take slow and deep constant breaths, filling the lowest part of your lungs, and enabling you to get the most oxygen in and slow down your heart rate. You can also imagine yourself somewhere you enjoy or doing something you love to do, distracting your mind from the issue at hand long enough to calm your nerves and allow you to get back to the issue. Once you feel you're relaxed enough, try and rate your anger again (from 1-10) and if it's much lower than it was before, then you can return to try and resolve the issue.

Conflict Resolution 101

Resolving conflicts is a much needed tool in life, and not all of us have been able to fine tune a method that is most effective. One thing that is hard to do is keep calm while having a 'disagreement', and that is one of the best ways to ever get your point across to someone, simply by not raising your voice. Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it too, your tone or insinuations can provoke and exacerbate things when trying to resolve an issue. So if you find the other person is raising their voice, try lowering yours so that they're forced to quiet down just to hear what you're saying, or try saying (at a normal tone of course): "There's no need to raise your voice, I'm right in front of you".

The important thing in conflict resolution is really listening. Most of the time when arguing people tend to wait until it's their turn to speak (going over what they're going to say while the other is talking) , and have no chance of thinking any differently. You need to really listen and try and empathize with the other, and when it is your turn to speak u need to be clear about how you feel and why. Telling the person how you feel (i.e: "I feel angry...") and why ("..when your chores aren't done because...") can be satisfying when vocalized aloud and allows the other to put themselves in your shoes easier. Lastly, you want to have a resolution, what will make you feel better ("I'd appreciate it if you..") giving them an option to make things better, or at least allowing for a consensus or compromise. That can be put into your own words and delivered as you see fit, as long as you refrain from cursing, calling the other names, or blaming (try and avoid using 'you..'), and with that you should be able to easily overcome the argument quickly and easily.

You may find the need to respond differently when the situation occurs, and when that happens, try quickly thinking of as many different responses as you can (at least 2) and then pick the best response after you've assessed what the consequences would be for each of them. We tend to do or say things sometimes without caring for the consequences of them, and sometimes need to take a step back and think before we do. Eventually after adopting and integrating these techniques into your conflict resolution skills, they will come much more naturally and become habitual, and it will be much easier to cope with anger on a daily basis.

**There is so much that can be written about Anger Management that I had to split this into two parts. Please join me for part 2 of Anger Management which should be available in the near future**

Thank you for reading.

-The Friendly Individual

Introduction

2008-09-03T16:52:00.016+09:00

Well hello,

You can call me Friendly, not that I wish to stay anonymous, but rather because I find it a suitable alias for what I wish to accomplish here.

I have decided after many years giving advice to those in need, online, and to friends and family, when they need it, that I would start a Blog. This will enable me to reach a wider audience and to help those that could use it.

Now, you may be wondering, "Who are you to be giving me advice?". And my answer is, humbly, nobody. I, like you, make mistakes and am always learning as I go along. Although sometimes even though we know what to do, we need to hear or read it from another source.

So my goals are simply to help people reach emotional stability, make sound and intelligent decisions in their lives and repair or improve relationships and their abilities to form new ones. This can easily be achieved by anyone who chooses to read.

There's no shame in taking (and hopefully using) advice, and everyone can use some every now and again, like I said even me! So if you ever have questions, comments or suggestions, please feel free to let me know and I will address them accordingly as soon as I can.

I will attempt to update my Blog every week as I get adjusted, and have a lot of information and bases to cover. I look forward to it and hope that I can make a difference in some people's lives.

**Stay tuned for my first article which will be on a common emotion that we tend to lose control of: Anger. Everyone can improve on their anger management skills and it is a big topic to cover! Feel free to Subscribe or join the mailing list to the right for further updates.**

Thank you for reading.

-The Friendly Individual