Learning to Let Go of my Secrets

trying to write it out in bits and pieces

2011-07-14T09:13:00.002-04:00

Things get overwelming sometines in life. Sometimes they just feel like too much too handle. But yet there is always some hope somewhere. There is always someone somewhere out there who is willing to offer you help even if that help is some encouragement. Alls I have ever needed in my life is people to care about and love me. I have need to be shown by people I matter and that my life is worth something. My parents never showed me that. My parents showed my siblings that to vary degrees but did not really show them that fully either.

My father was never really in my life and when he was he was high. When he did want us to spend time over his house we were there to clean, take care of his second family, go out and pick trash for cans so he could turn them in for money to buy his marijuana, and for us to be seen and not heard unless spoken to. He taught us that women were nothing and men were GOD's. He taught us to fight and snet us to fight with neighbors children when him and his neighbors had difficulties. But for the most part he was not really in my life when I was young. That was more from the ages of 12-15. when I was young and in the system he came to visit me when I was in residential at St. Anns Home very few times and at times when he was supposed to visit and had set visits up he would not show up.

My mom has always physcially been in my life but never really been there emotionally and mentally. I more needed her emotionally than I needed her physically I believe. Her fake care physically in front of social workers and therapist didnot make up for her lack of care emotionally and mentally when I came home when I was 11 and she was emotionally, mentally. and physcially abuseive towards me more than any of the other kids. I was the oldest of the 4 of us and maybe I should have the most responsibilties but I was still a child not the parent, not her boyfriends sex partner when she was not home and working nights, not the slave to do the dishes all the time or clean the house, and not the one responsible for all the fuckups whenever something went wrong. But I was the one who ended up with the consequences from most of it most ofthe time. I was the target of most of her anger. Though her boyfriend stepped inbetween her and I when she was physically abusing me at times and it caused them more arguments i paid a bigger price for it with his sexual abuse. Though at the time I did not recognize it and just knew it felt good, I needed someone to love me, and he seemed to care about me. Though i knew it should not be happening and was wrong for an adult to be with a child or young teenage gir I said nothing. In a way it feels as if it was my fault. I was in therapy and had opportunity to disclose and stop it but did not. instead I let it happen. Instead I felt as if I had to keep letting it happen even during the times i did not want it to happen and it did not feel good because he protected me, gave me things, and stuck up for me with my mom when she was abusing me physically. But he could not stop her emotinal and mental abuse which is what has harmed me most. Even to this day her words still echo in mind alot when I make decisions in my life. Her words still effect my life regularly. She will still at times tell me i am stupid when I make my mind up to do something she disagrees with or she does not want me to do. Or she tells me why dont you want to look nice if i cut my hair or do not wear the clothes she wants me to wear. Sometimes if feels as if nothing I do will ever satisify her or make her happy. I will never be able to make her proud of me and I can never make her love and care about me.

I will continue this later.....

Feeling Words in Use

2011-05-22T02:15:00.000-04:00

Feeling Words in Use

post from few weeks ago about people messing with my head

2011-05-16T08:45:00.001-04:00

wishing people would stop fucking with my head and if they did not want me to trust them and want me to just keep the wallsup then say so. They do not have to feel incompetant or tell me they are afraid they are incapable of dealing with things if they help open them...They do not really have to deal with SHIT!!! I DO...No One Else!!! its all good the trust is gone now...screw it I never needed anyone in these 31 years and have been able to survive and hold these secrets within me without completely breaking I can keep doing it for another 14 years. I wish people really understood what their words do to me and how much I obsess over things they say. I wish they realized what ABANDONMENT is for me and how I perceive things as being abandoned by everyone in my life up until now and now I think I am completely feeling as if I truly deserve to be abandoned and do not need ANYONE for any reason. Why try as hard as they do to get me to open my self up and trust them only for them to basically want me to shut up and keep it all inside. Why did they work through the barriers only to close them back up with 10 times more shit to work back through to get back to the point where we were a week ago. Why did they just want me to stay closed up and never to speak a word about. KEEP THE SILENCE is what they desire well I will keep it to myself and never trust another living soul for as long as I continue breathing and my heart keeps producing blood. I will never trust again. I am done with letting people in and letting them get close. I am closing myself off to all you have to say and all they desire me to talk to them about. My secrets are safe within me!!!!

Incest (A Nation’s Shame) | Authspot

2010-11-19T23:26:00.000-05:00

Incest (A Nation’s Shame) | Authspot

post from another blog i wrote may 18 2008

2010-11-07T10:59:00.000-05:00

What I remember of my sexual abuse
i am in a trauma recovery group and we are into the difficult part of the group where we are working on our abuse issues and i have not been doing my health work because i have not wanted to rehash this shit lately but i guess i really need to deal with some of it other wise i will just have wasted my time and everyone elses time in this group and not really gotten anywhere by doing the group and not working on me. last week was to write our life story on our physical abuse we endured in our life and i didnt do it but i will try to start with what i am supposed to be doing this week and go back and do that another time...well here goes i guess.............................................................................................................. .......................................................................................................................

It started when i was young not to sure of what age really but i do know that what i have been told is i was around 4 years old. My fathers brother david molested me and my brother...i was around 6 years old when my brother told otherwse i am sure it would have continued since he molested many of my cousins even his own children, my mother when she was a teenager even after she was with my father...she had me when she was 16 and he had been molesting her before she had me and after so i really dont understand why she would leave me and my brother alone with him knowing what he did...there is not much of it i remeber from back then but there are very slight pieces of things i remeber like his face and him giving me change after he did what he did...he would have me rub him in his genital area and he put his penis in my mouth...there are times when i see him standing over me and it seems like it is happening only it isnt...i never remebered any details of what happened until the past year and half when i guess after finding out my daughter was molested by my husband bits and pieces of this started occuring and it has been difficult...it all stopped once my brother told and we were put into foster care not long after all that shit came out but i never talked about it and just didnt remember...then after i came home from residential when i was 11 almost 12 my mother had a boyfriend at some point that she wasnt with long and they broke up when he went back to his wife but we were living in bradford on south pleasant street and i had my own room and i believe it happened on 2 occasions where he came in there when he was drinking he would start to rub me between my legs...i could smell the alcohol on his breathe and he would tell me how much i looked like my mom...i dont really think that affected me much because it wasnt a major event in my life it was very brief and i dont feel it had an impact on me...when i was 12 my mother was dating my fathers brother stephan...It was a saturday afternoon and my mother was at work. i was laying on her bed in her bedroom which at the time was the room next to mine.we were living on 11th ave...i was watching a movie and i am not sure where my 2 brothers were or my sister but stephan had come home early from work not really sure why. as i layed there he came and layed on the bed next to me which did not make me uncomfortable at that moment...when he began touching my breast area and slowly moved down to my genitals i became frozen...i knew what was going on was wrong i knew he shouldnt have been touching me but i was scared and nervious...for some reason i could not do anything or say anything to make him stop i was frozen for a moment and i remeber it actually felt okay he told me after he was done and i had jerked him off not to ever tell anyone or he would get into trouble and he asked me if i wanted to get him into trouble and i said no he then made me promise i wasnt going to tell anyone and i promised not to. he then gave me cigarrettes and a 10 dollar bill...i remeber i had to tell my mother that i found the money while at the park on the next street over...so many times he gave me money after we did things it became like he was paying me to have sex with him but at the time i didnt realize that...he always reminded me to keep this our secret and never to tell anyone...he began to favor me over the other kids and when my mother would hit me he would protect me from her by saying something to her to get her to stop hurting me...i felt he cared and that he would protect me because i felt i was important to him and i mattered...there were many nights when my mother was working that he would come to my room and have sex with me and at times i remeber enjoying it...he always told me how pretty i was and he constantly talked through the sex and had me talk to him dirty during it and i did he would say for me to tell im what i wanted and i would tell him fuck me or harder and i was just a fucked up teenager learning all this shit from porn movies he would watch with me or from him a 42 year old man...then i got pregnant with my sone at the age of 14 until corey was born i was so scared after finding out i was pregnant and thinking people were now going to find out and he just kept telling me not to say anything or the baby would be taken from me and he continued this but my son wasnt his...i had had sex with a guy that lived with my father a few times and i also had sex with several other men who i didnt know i would go to parks and watch men that were alone...i would make sexual gestures and expressions to them to seduce them i had become a whore by the age of 14...then my son was born and the sex neevr stopped between stephan and i even after i was tried killing myself when my son was 6 weeks old...i was put into the hospital and then into a residential in rowley where i would get passes to go home and he would pick me up and drive me home or drive me back and he would stop somewhere on the way and i would suck his dick or we would have sex and i still felt like he cared and that even though it shouldnt be happening i continued to do it...then there were the times i was in the psychiatric hospital when he would have sex with me on the way back to the hospital from pass which is the last time anything happened with him when i finally told someone at the mcleans hospital after cutting myself when getting back...we had pulled over into a the dark corner of a hotel parking lot on the way back to the hospital and we had sex and then he dropped me off...there were many nights in those 4 years that even when i didnmt want it he pressured me into doing something with him but it also became like just a part of myy life...my mother went to work and i fucked her boyfriend...there were the times when he came into the shower while i was showering and so many times i just dont remember...there are so much in my life at that time that most of those 4 years i dont remember...even when i had sex with my mothers friends husband it was like i couldnt say no i would just do it to get it over with because he wanted it...i dont remeber a whole lot about details but i do remeber some and i guess this is just the beginnign of it because there is just so much that happened and i times i dont remeber anything then other times i remeber more but right now i just feel like blocked and cant remember a whole lot more than this

I am no good I have always been only wanted for sexual pleasure to others no matter what I feel

2010-09-11T23:20:00.002-04:00

"Prostitution describes the act of sexual intercourse in exchange for money. However, its definition may be extended loosely to include any sexual act for any type of compensation."

I have struggle with this for so long. When I was younger I participated in sex and sexual activities with many different grown men. From a young age I could very much be considered a prostitute as I was paid by grown men small amounts of money and gifts. I also received special treatment and protection for sexual acts with my mothers boyfriend who was also my fathers brother. He was the main man that paid me to have sex with him repeatedly from the ages 12-16 when I finally told someone. although I had also had sex with strangers who I did not know before him in the local park, under bridges, and behind buildings. I looked for the attention from men and used my body as a way to be loved and cared for even though I did not know them. They would buy me cigarrettes or give me a few dollars but not more than $10.

The very first time I could have been considered a prostitute was when my fathers other brother not the one my mother dated molested me at the ages of 4-6 years old and gave me dimes to put my mouth on his penis. Back then I did not know it was wrong so maybe that was not really prostitution but when I was 12 and his other brother who was my mothers boyfriend began to touch me and offered me money and cigarrettes I knew what he was doing to my body was wrong but I also was afraid. I somewhat liked the attention i received from him. I also like how he would protect me from my mother when he could as she physically aggressively abused me.

There were times when I did not enjoy it or did not want it. I pretended to be sleeping many times and he still did things and got his pleasure out of me. There were times when I wanted it. There were also times when I did not want it but just gave in because he would not leave me alone and I felt stuck and trapped. I was very confused during those years as alls I was looking for was to be loved and I wanted someone to care about me no matter what I had to do to get them to show me love and really care about me. There were many times I layed there and spaced out after the first few minutes of his sexual acts. There are many things I have blocked out from those days.

I recently had an experience now being 31 years old that a man offered me cash to have sex with him and I kept saying I did not do that. I continued to tell him I did not want to do it but continued to be pressured and began to do what he wanted. While starting to do this I had a hard time and stopped. I did not want to do it but he continued pressuring me and tried to force me to do more and have intercourse with him but finally stopped after my continued disinterest and my stopping the oral act. He then told a bunch of guys, that were at the place where this all happened in the bathroom at a supposed friends house, that I choked on his penis and other stuff about my genital parts. That same night one of the other men began grabbing my breasts and kept trying to rub between my legs. Finally I left and got away from the situation only after he told me how he was going to get in my pants and he wanted my body specifically he wanted my "pussy" and all sorts of derogatory sexual remarks about acts he was going to use me for. I did not receive any money for any of his violating behavior and did not want any money as I feel that would justify his behaviors just as I feel about my participation in the acts I was involved with for protection, money, and cigarettes as a teenager and young little girl. I sometimes, well almost all the time feel i was the one who was wrong because i accepted payement for the mens acts with me and I knew what they were doing to me was wrong and should not be happening but was not able to or did not want to tell anyone what was going on and expose the secrets we kept. All this reminded me of my younger years and brought up alot for me as I now believe I was a whore and still am. I believe I am destined to be a mans property to use my body the way they wish.

A few days after all this the man that was grabbing me and talking dirty to me came to my house and as we were talk he grabbed my breasts and then shoved his hand in my shorts. I continued to tell him to stop and knock it off. I told him to leave me alone but he did not he continued to fondle me. It kinda felt good like when I was a teenager and my mothers boyfriend did it to me but I did not want it. Because he would not stop right away i ebgan spacing out just as I did when I was younger. I feel so dirty. I feel violated. This man is someone I see alot as he lives near me and I have to pass his house before I get to my house there is no avoiding his house. Just as it was when I was young I feel trapped, alone, I kinda like someone wanting my body as I am ugly and disgusting and not many men do want anything to do with me. I am confused. it has brought up my child and teenage years and I am having difficulties with it.

My Shame Runs Deeper than I Thought

2010-09-07T14:09:00.000-04:00

I had therapy today and although I have been seeing her for just over 4 years and my therapist has been there for me through the hardest things I could have gone through in my life I am still too ashamed of somethings that I cannot look at her or discuss these painful things with her.

I also thought that the internet was my way to letting out these shameful secrets but unfortuanately I have been unable to get them out of me. I have exposed somethings but those are the easiest for me to let people know. The harder more ashamed secrets within me are buried and the more things that happen that remind me of them or that make me more ashamed of myself and my secrets continue to build and I continue to be unable to expose my shameful secrets. I am just too ashamed of myself and my actions to be able to face them and expose them to anyone not even the sole person I trust that is in my life right now, my therapist.

JUST BE: good to yourself: empowering yourself to feel and heal: EMPOWERING yourself to heal after TRAUMA

2010-09-05T23:43:00.001-04:00

JUST BE: good to yourself: empowering yourself to feel and heal: EMPOWERING yourself to heal after TRAUMA

Tuesday, November 24, 2009
EMPOWERING yourself to heal after TRAUMA
Overcoming trauma is hard enough to do in general. Why not get the help of others? I am in the process of creating a program that will benefit all women to 1) share their own personal trauma histories on line with other women and 2) treat and facilitate healing worldwide for any woman who has been sexually, physically, emotionally or "virtually" traumatized.

In the meantime, please contact me at askalisonleigh@gmail.com or firstfeelthenheal@gmail.com. I am working on several projects and would love your input.

My main focus is to attempt to educate all women all over the world on how to a) heal themselves, 2) love themselves and 3) accept themselves for exactly *who* they really are.

The movement I began is called, "First Feel then Heal" which is a movement based on helping women feel first then heal second. I'm also creating The Feel Institute: a place to feel, so women (and men) can learn the art of feeling.

Why is feeling important? Before we can learn to love ourselves, heal ourselves, we need to *feel*. We need to feel what it is like to own our emotions and to take responsibility for those. Through that process, we can enable ourselves and our true essence to come out.

In the meantime, I have written a questionnaire for anyone who has been traumatized through sexual rape, incest, molestation, etc in their own lives. This questionnaire will be a good way for you to see if you are among the other thousands of women who share common ground. In this effort for you to discover yourself, your meaning, and empower yourself to heal, I send love and comfort your way- always .
Alison Leigh
Thriver

Alison Leigh's questionnaire on healing sexual trauma through being yourself perfectly

Trauma is defined as a person's experience of a situation. NOT the situation itself. This is very important to understand. Two people can see the *same* event, but responding is different. One person could have lasting trauma, the other, no trauma at all. It all depends on our *own* experience and felt sense of the trauma.
No two people will have the same exact reaction to a given situation and no reaction is wrong or should be shameful.

This checklist will help you recall some situations you have experienced or may help you realize that some events might have been traumatic even though you didn't think so at the time. You might want to discuss your list with a therapist (or you can email me too) to determine how much your personal history is interfering with your present lifestyle. most often, it does without our conscious knowing, which is why it is so important and crucial to "feel first".

First sit down and then take long deep breaths. Remember- I am here for you right now in this moment. I do not judge you, i fully support you in your *stuff* and feel honored to hear your thoughts. (This is just my little note to you while you begin this process).

Adult trauma history questionnaire:
What are the three most traumatic things that you ever experienced?
1.
2.
3.

Physical history
1. Have you ever been hospitalized for anything relating to this trauma? If not, what have you been hospitalized for?
2. Can you cross reference any of these things with your initial trauma?
3. Do you currently have any chronic issues? Pain? Are you in long term recovery for any physical illness?
4. Have you ever had any life-threatening conditions?
5. Have you had any accidents?
6. Heartbreaks? (Breakups?) How long did they last?
7. Death in family? Friends dying?
8. Have you had difficulty with Doctors, Nurses or other health care professionals?
9. What kind of difficulty?
10. Have you experienced Chronic unexplained physical ailments?
________________________________________________
Process questions
1. What was going on in your life when your symptoms were first present?
Headaches?______
Stomach aches?________
Colitis?________
IBS?__________
Autoimmune Disorder?_________
Joint Pains?______________
Diagnosed with Fibromalagia?____________
Skin conditions?_________
Other?____________

Family Relationships
1. Were you seperated from either parent or sibling for any period of time?
2. What kind of housing situation were you in growing up? Single parent? Combined?
3. Did any family members have alcohol or drug problems?
4. Did anyone take out their aggression on you? In front of you? Behind your back?
5. Did your parents fight in front of you? Verbally? Physically?
6. How were you punished? Disciplined? how often? How severly?
7. Did you experience incest, molestation, or inappropriate touch?
8. Did you feel molested or taken advantage of in any way but just not physically?
9. Were you afraid to talk to anyone about it?
10. Did you take care of anyone in your family and their needs?
11.Were your parents married? Divorced? Remarried? Involved in alternative lifestyles (poly-amory, swingers, BDSM, pornography?)
12. Were there other relationships coming into the home?
13. How many caregivers did you have? How often did you spend time with your parents?
14. How many places did you live while a child?
_____________________________________________
School and work relationships
1. Did you feel teased, tormented, bullied or threatened?
2. Did you feel excluded, outcast, or ostracized?
3. Did you experience prejudice? what kind?

Frightening Events
1. Have you ever had any experience with human-caused assault? (kidnapping, mugging, rape, arson, jail, battering?)
2. Have you ever been in jail? anyone you know in jail?

Nature Based traumatic experiences
1. Have you ever been in an earthquake? Storm that hurt people and homes? Fire?
2. Were you part of a hurricane or other natural disasters?
3. Did you witness or were you involved in 911? Anyone you know?
4. What age were you when you felt the most fear about your environment (home? work?)

Spiritual/Religious
1. Have you ever been part of a cult?
2. Were you admitted to a cult beyond your control?
3. Have you ever had a frightening spiritual or religious experience that kept with you?
4. Have you ever seen/talked with ghosts? Aliens? Other super-natural beings?
5. Do you ever feel like you are being watched? Followed?
__________________________________________________
Losses
1. Have you experienced the loss of a family member, friend or pet?
2. Have you experienced the loss of a pregnancy? through what means?
3. Have you experienced a serious relationship breakup that left you feeling traumatized?
_______________
Job related
1. have you been sexually harassed, beaten, taken advantage of?
2. Have you recently lost your job, your home, your family due to loss of job?
________________
Financial
1. Are you on welfare?
2. Have you recently lost your job?
3. Have you recently or ever lost your job which led to crisis?
__________________________________
Sexual/Gender
1. Do you feel you were born the correct gender?
2. Do you feel like you understand your identity?
3. Are you gay, feel gay, bi-sexual, confused, transgender?
4. Are you afraid to come out? To tell your friends? Parents? loved ones?
____________________________________________
Prison/Jail
1.Ever experienced a family member or yourself in jail?
2. Ever had prison sexual assault?
____________________________________
General
1. Do you feel loved? Taken care of?
2. Do you feel present? Aware? Conscious?
3. Do you feel you have to hide certain parts of yourself?
4. Are you constantly comparing yourself to others?
________________________________
Fashion/Beauty/ Body Image
1. Do you think you should be like fashion models?
2. What do you think of your own body image?
3. Do you feel like you might have an eating disorder?
__________________
Posted by Alison Leigh Siegel, MFT at 8:39 AM

Poetry | The Survivor Manual

2010-09-05T23:37:00.000-04:00

Poetry | The Survivor Manual

Realization of why August triggers me and is difficult for me

2010-08-15T11:08:00.000-04:00

Lately there has been alot of things coming to my mind regarding my past and things triggering my childhood. I layed there thinking about this last night while trying to figure a reason for all these thoughts intruding on me recently. I realized that the month of June and august are more so triggers in themselves for me than any other months of the year.

It was June 2006 when my visits with my children were temporarily on hold while an investigation ensued regarding my husband sexually abusing my children. However, when this occured I was not told what was going on only that the visits were being stop enlight of an ivestigation that would take 60 days to complete. Right before the 60 days were up sometime in the middle of August I had to meet with the investigator Lisa Parks. It was then that I found out the alegations and what was being said to my daughters therapist and what was reported to the local social services agency.

The alegations were that my husband had molested my daughter and son. He also had had them doing things to eachother. These alegations through me into a whirlwind of guilt and feeling of my cause of contribution to his abuse towards them.

I ended up trying to kill myself. I overdosed and lived. During the course of the investyigation my son ended up in the child psychiatric unit. He was very angry about not being able to have visits and already was angry about being taken away from his family and placed in foster care away from his parents and his sisters. He was in a foster home with a single mom and his little brother and the foster moms adopted teenage son that had some of his own mental health issues. While in the hospital they allowed me to visit him and had decided to place him in a residential for the safety of his little brother because of his aggression towards his younger brother.

The final decision regarding the sexual abuse alegations and determination came out around the 20th of August of 2006. The determination was that the report was supported on my husband for sexual abuse of my daughter but not of my son. I went into a domestic violence shelter but continued to question the validity of the alegations and the motives. I also questioned myself greatly believeing it was my fault this abuse occured as I had seen signs and fought with him regarding my fear of him abusing her but could never have actual proff for a long time before the children were taken and had discussed this issue with the social workers involved in our case here in Virginia and at one point in Massachustees I reported the fear of him sexually abusing her myself to soicial services. Whe then validated him by saying my children had never been touched and I falsly filed the report.

This issue was triggered recently by an incident in which my boyfriend told me of his cousin sexually abusing a young girl. Then him becoming angry at me for feeling the incident is being covered up because the 24 year old man claims the 11 or 12 year old girl participated in the incident and wanted it. So it was never reported to the aothorities and is just being covered up and minimized. Which triggered some anger and rage within me and my boyfriend and I got into an argument about him hanging around and drinking with a child diddler and being supportive of the denial and cover up. He yelling at me about the validity and my right to say anything about it. And me not having a right to say anything to anyone else who alows their children around this man. Which brought back my own feelinsg of people making me feel unvalidated and as if I needed to just not talk about my abuse and people continuing to talk to and love this man who molested me repeated and using me as a way to fulfill his need for sexual pleasure. This has been a recurring thought lately within myself as I knew what was happening as a teenager was wrong as I had and was in therapy for being molested a s a young girl and not being able to cope. the recurring thoughts have been about me obviously wanting him to do these things to me because I allowed him to. I also soemtimes look at the parts that felt good and I enjoyed which makes me feel as if he was not wrong because I participated at times and it felt good both physically and emotionally to have someone "love" me.

TO BE CONTINUED LATER>>>TOO MUCH RIGHT NOW TO FINISH

This is something I wrote to my therapist a year ago after a rough therapy session

2010-03-28T21:01:00.002-04:00

well I guess I will start out trying to answer some of your questions you asked so many today that some of them I don’t remember and tried on purpose to avoid and tried to remove myself from our conversation in order to avoid answering your many questions...I felt bombarded by so many things being thrown at me today and really wanted to runaway and hide...I guess I feel like I can handle and deal with all that is happening by myself and I know how to regain control even if it is not healthy and in therapy I cant do that it is like I am trapped in there with you and have no choice in the matter over having to sit with what I feel and the many thoughts racing through my mind at the time...you don’t allow me to escape things that we are talking bout and when it starts to feel like its to much and that I am on the edge with no way of escaping talking to you about something I need to get out of there and today you didn’t allow that you made sit there and deal with it...I understand that’s what I need but I just wish I was able to escape it all...I am a bit confused about what kind of unsafe environment you think I am in though since al is pretty much a quiet drunk and keeps to himself except when he gets wrapped up in the crack which in turn he becomes a bit pushy and don’t know when enough is enough and continues till there’s nothing left to trade sell or he cant get anymore overdrawn funds from the bank and that is all within the first few days of the month...actually he hadn’t drank for 8 days until tonight although Friday when I was trying to get away was because he continued harassing me trying to get me to take Ricky to bounce checks so we could smoke crack with him and instead I left and went to bridges to get away from that all and he has brought it up all week since then but Ricky is in jail now so he cant blame his calling is why he wants to do it anymore because they denied his bail and he is charged with 3 felonies and I am sure there will be many more since he has been bouncing checks at every place possible several of them at once to support his drug habit and that of his so called friends who I warned him about for the past 6 weeks telling him he was going to get himself in trouble and then where are those people going to be they sure are not there trying to help him no instead they have moved on to see who else is going to support there drug habit...but it doesn’t stop al’s need to question about crack matter fact we just had a whole conversation bout it and I told him I am not doing anything anymore if I need to escape then I have ways top get away and avoid things and don’t need drugs to do it...but any ways he says we are supposed to do it when we get our checks and I said he can do what he wants but I am no longer getting involved because he cant handle it he don’t know when enough is enough and when to stop and it causes problems so instead I will not be part of it I told him...I cant deal with all I am dealing with and be wrapped up with that...I can put it down I can walk away from it if not feeling trapped or like I have to do it to fit in or as if I say no that some one will be mad at me or wont like me...I have enough I am trying to cope with and cant handle that on top anymore things seem to feel worse and feel a lot more that I am not able to control my mind and what is happening at times in my life...well any ways some other things that we discussed if I remember correctly is you asked if these things had happened in my life before...the answer I guess is yes and no...I don’t remember a time when it interfered in my life I mean there were times when after therapy when I was going through some difficulties that I would end up at home and not realize how I drove home like I was on autopilot and the car drove and I didn’t have to do anything...there where many times and I still am able to not feel present but yet I am present during sexual situations with men and that occurred even back when my moms boyfriend(my fathers brother) was doing it also...like I knew what was going on but yet like it seemed so far away what I was hearing and I seemed to not feel a lot of it physically and somehow I am able to do the same thing in present situations that I don’t feel comfortable in or that brings up feelings of not being able to be in control...like I learned along time ago that when I cut when I am having anxiety I cant get a hold of myself I immediately feel the relief and no longer feel the anxiety in my head chest and mind it takes it away...it is a way of controlling myself when I feel I cant take anymore...when I was looking in my backpack today it was to make sure I still had my razor blades close by because I felt backed into a corner and like there was no way out and needed to know they were close by to help me escape if I need to get away it all...I wanted to leave quite a few times just to go cut not to get away from you but to get away from my thoughts and the feeling I was having like I was losing my mind...that’s exactly what I am saying pretty much when I am feeling like I have gone crazy...the feeling of having no way out feeling out of control and like these things are happening and feeling anxiety and shit like I have lost it and will be trapped with these mind penetrating images thoughts and feelings forever and there is no way of escaping it feel confined and like there is no way out when this is happening...I feel I have lost control over things especially my mind...my mind is the biggest thing I try to control in my life I believe and I feel like at times when this stuff is happening I have lost that control and the only way to get it back is to cut and when I do I gain the control back...or the sense or control should I say...but I dunno cause cutting leaves me feeling like it controls me a lot also...you may not understand the reasons or agree with the reasons I feel it was my fault and I asked for what happened to happen but understand that you probably will never be able to change my mind around this issue...I guess I should really explain a bit about some things since you want me to help you understand...this is difficult and understand I wont talk about it with you or anyone else but I was a whore for along time...shortly after he began to have sex with me I began I guess you can say looking for other men to have sex with me...there was grown men with who I had sex with at the park by the train station and I dunno lots of other places...I looked for it and continued to go back for more from men I didn’t know and some never saw again and didn’t know there names even after it was all said and done...that didn’t happen for that long but the sex with my moms boyfriend continued for about 3 and a half years I guess...there were times when my brother would question different things and I always stuck up for him and lied about what was going on when he came into my room at night...when my sister and I shared a room and I was on the bottom bunk of the metal bunk beds and she was on the top bunk sleeping and he would come in and start to touch me amongst other things I would try to use her as an excuse to get him to understand that she was going to wake up or something and he always told me not to worry she wouldn’t wake up and when he was ready to do what he did he would bring me into my moms room and in her bed...my mom worked 2 jobs at this time and hardly ever was home and when she was I was either pissing her off and doing something for her to smash me around or kick me or whatever else she did or she was asleep because she worked as a nurse at a mr residential group home at night 11-7 and from there she went to the post office and would come home between 3 and 6 PM and have to sleep before going back to work nursing so is she really to blame for how things happened since alls she was doing was trying to support us 4 kids...no I am the one who should be to blame because I was the oldest knew that what was happening shouldn’t have been happening since it had happened when I was young and had known about good touching and bad touching from a young age but he also knew he should be doing what he was doing since after the very first time he touched me while I was lying on my mothers bed on a Saturday afternoon when we were living on 11th ave in Haverhill he told me not to say anything or he could get in trouble and said to me you don’t want that do you and I said no and never said anything for years...there were times when I would tell him leave me alone I don’t feel good and shit but that was after over a year of it almost 2 and I was pregnant with Corey and he would still keep telling me coming just for a little while just a little bit...by then we had moved to Methuen and then to south Lawrence and him and my mother were fighting a lot and several of them fights were because of him sticking up for me and why he was giving me money and not the rest of the kids and shit like that and I always lied and when she punched me or had me cornered flipping out on me and I was cowering covering my face with my arms crying he was the one who always tried to come to my rescue and get her to stop...I might be dead if it wasn’t for him...I really believe my mom has always had so much anger against me that she might have killed me several times she kicked me in my head and hit me with objects...it seemed the rest of the kids never made her as angry as I did and nothing I ever did was good enough for her...any ways I was a whore and continued to be until Daniel I got pregnant with Daniel who was conceived behind a park bench in the middle of the woods at winikini castle in Haverhill...this not being able to say no has been for along time I always feel like I am the one who obviously had to given since I allowed myself to be alone with the man which gave them the message that I wanted sex and when I didn’t want it and tried to use excuses they pressured me...they continued to try to get me in the mood or con tied asking or whatever which I felt like I had no choice but to do it and get it over with and most of the time I just lay there and thought to myself I wish he would hurry up and finish when is this going to end shit like that and that is how I have always dealt with sex since I began to feel uncomfortable with my moms boyfriend having sex with me even though I gave him the message it was okay for such along time when I felt it was okay anymore he would reassure me and offer me more money and shit like that...so yes I am a whore and a slut...actually I am considered a prostitute since I had sex for money and gifts...one of the big issues in my marriage was sex...when he talked to me during it brought me back to my moms boyfriend because he always talked through it and told me how good I was and how much he loved me and not to forget to never tell anyone and he whispered shit in my ear and I don’t know I guess when Jim did it I couldn’t handle it he would tell me to talk dirty to him and all this was bothersome and I would refuse and lay there until he was done...there was very few times that I would flip on him around sex when this stuff happened and I would then be able to get away from Jim and cry but I never tried to let it bother me I believe it was a total of 3 times that happened in the 7 years we were together...but several times numerous times I cant remember how many but since autumn was born over those years when I told him leave me alone not right now and so on and so on he would continue and I learned to deal with it...began to be able to fade myself out of the situation until it was over and that was how I dealt with it...that’s how I have dealt with many things throughout my last 16 years since I was 12...before that I was an angry child who was very aggressive towards people in my residential for years and was always in restraints and being held down by staff at that place...when I was in residential after Corey was born shit just got worse I was cutting and being restrained and solstice in Rowley mass which was an unlocked facility for troubled teens ended up sending me in and out the hospital until my mother put a stop to that by say that St Anne’s was able to handle me and keep me without putting me in and out of the hospital and calling her out of work to sign me in the hospital for years and if they couldn’t keep me there with out her having to get called out of work then I didn’t belong there and that is when I was sent to Umass transitions and intensive residential treatment program for adolescents who had issues and couldn’t be managed elsewhere so I was put in that locked facility...in between solstice and Umass I was in ma cleans hospital in Belmont for a month and was given home passes and that is where I ended up telling someone my moms boyfriend was doing what he was doing but never went into details and left it at that...that was the last time it had happened was when he was driving me back to the hospital an hour drive back and it was just him and I he pulled over in the parking lot of a hotel that was right off the highway not far from the hospital and we had sex...I was 16 years old and when I got back to the hospital I ended up flipping out and in restraints and that was the end of it...the next visit my mother and I had together she didn’t bring Corey it was just her and we talked a bit and she questioned me and told me they broke up and said something that has bothered me ever since she told me if I had sex with him there were things only someone who had sex with would know and alls I could remember at that point was that he was not circumcised and she told me anyone could know that...that visit ended with me being very angry with her and yelling at her telling her how would I know what her boyfriends dick looked like and I told her to fuck off and get out of my life and I never wanted to see her again and she left and I flipped out and ended up in restraints again...after that when I went to Umass in Worcester I lived in restraints most of my time there it was only when I was being pushed out of there because I had aged out and was 19 and there options were to ship me to the state hospital or an adult group home that I was threatened that if I couldn’t go without restraints or a major restriction which was 24 hrs in the quiet then I was being sent to the state hospital in Tewksbury that I fought ever inch of anger I had and almost made it through the 3 months before I left without a restriction but the week before leaving I fucked it up and sabotaged it but by that time I had already had a placement in Newburyport and still ended up going to the group home which was august 1998 and from here I went to day treatment in Haverhill everyday...after a week of being there I left and lived on the street for a while here and there with friends and my grandmother and in and out of the psychiatric hospitals for trying to kill myself and self harm and once in December of 1999 for threatening to blow up the group home I had been in for 3 months in Haverhill...during this times there was numerous fights between my mom around Corey and me finding out my sister touched him and my mom protected her and fought it all and she still continued to be caught talking to Steven Chadwick her ex during this time which caused us to fight a lot also...we never agreed on her methods of raising Corey and at times she stick physically would hit me and I still cowered like I did when she did it to me as a child even though I was now an adult...she hit me the last time at my cousins party after her funeral in April 2001 when I was pregnant with autumn...the argument started because I told my sister to leave Corey alone and let him do what he wanted he wasn’t bothering anyone and she wasn’t his boss I was there and my mother was there so she didn’t need to be bossing him around and she went and complained to my mother who in front of everyone wanting to start throwing in my face she had custody and destiny has always been there for him and I had no right to say anything to her about leaving my son alone and she punched me and I took Daniel and Jim and I left...Jim took me to the police station where I filed a complaint and she was talked to by the police and told if she laid a hand on me again then charges would be pressed and she would be arrested and that was the last time she has hit me 7 years ago almost...well this has been a lot for me and I guess I should really stop trying to convince you that things have been my fault and that he protected me since you have your beliefs and I have my own beliefs so I guess we will never agree on this...I just wish you understood me and what my life has been like and is like on a daily basis and why I feel he was protecting me and that it was my fault what has gone on in my life to me and why I deserve to be hurt since I hurt others and failed to protect them even though for years he protected me from my mother...I fight internally with myself a lot around this shit because I feel its my fault but yet I feel like I had no choice and then again I feel I asked for it but yet I have so much problems that stem from it and I have so many uncomfortable feelings about it and I have had so many others tell me it was wrong and I feel it was still my fault but yet I have also burst out in anger when he has been around and told people he works with he is a child diddler and gotten him to tell me was a douche bag and to leave his job when this shit has happened...there was a few times that my cousins husband worked with him that we talked about accidentally on purpose killing him by dropping a car on him and planned it out because the worked at the junk yard together...then when my brother gene lived with me on Franklin street Jim gene and I tried to set David another of my fathers brothers van on fire but it was pouring and the rain kept putting the flames out that we put under his van and then we shoved an orange in his exhaust trying to kill him by fumes being released in the van...we wore gloves and shit but it never worked because he was still alive after that but David finally died I believe it was right after I moved to Virginia he was found dead in his car at a rest area in Methuen he had a heart attack and I dunno I felt relieved at the time he died but yet still I wish it was me who caused his death because he killed me along time ago back when I was too young before I even started school...he was the one who ruined me but yet it is not him who haunts me today even though he stole my life from me like Jim did to autumn he stole so many kids innocents and still always got away with it and was able to walk the streets and violate other little boys and girls...I really got to go I cant do anymore of this the shit is getting too deep for me and I probably should had told you most of this but I want you to realize that most of my life problems and traumas I caused them myself...I got to go I cant do this anymore...I cant talk to you bout this anymore its taking over and I don’t want to lose it I got to get away from this before I lose my mind and my control I have left in this moment...I got to go

Letter my mother wrote me on june 7, 2007 after violating me and reading my journals

2010-03-28T20:58:00.002-04:00

Dear Teresa,

First of all, i wish I can make you understand how much you really mean to me. I do Love You and always have. Yoe went off on me the other day about things that happened to you in your life. Teresa everytime I have tried to reach out to you, you have done something to avoid it. You tell me alls you want is an apology for what happened to you. Teresa, I dont know what you want. I did not cause them to hurt you. I was working, trying to do all i could to take care of the bills and have a place to live for all of you. If this is why I am guilty then I apologize. But, I did not ever hurt you the way you were hurt. Teresa, I have done things and live with that and I always will, but you need to know that I really truly love you and I care about what is happening to you. Your babies are important to me and I come here to be with you through this. You talk about the unfairness with Corey and the kids visiting eachother and I agree 100% with you but, you seem to be missing the importance of what Corey feels about you. Teresa, I read your journals and I cant understand what would make you believe that ending your life would help anyone. Corey has been through enough with losing his brothers and sisters, not having a dad and not having the time he needs with you. what do you think he would feel if something happens to you too. He doesnt deserve and of the things that has happened to him and does need to be part of your life. I believe you need him as well. Everyone in your life has done some awful things to you too. Teresa, you can not change the hurt that has happened, the past is the past. You have to deal with that and move .. hurting yourself. You are someone special. You say Autumn is a survivor, well you are too, just like me. I dealt with similar feelings, hurts, and failures. Teresa, but I did move on, Made more mistakes, but knew that I am a human being who makes mistakes, we all do and you know what? Its okay! I know you are going to be upset that I did read everyword you wrote, but you need to know, that I cried with those words, I did feel all the pain you were feeling when you wrote what you wrote. Teresa, you are very hurt and I wish I could take it all away from you. If I could take backsome of the hurt that I caused I would. But I cant. I cant change the past. I cant change anything. I can only be there for you if you need me. I cant take away what you have done either. but, you can. You can Teresa, because you are a very special woman. You cant hide that. You can set these goals and reach them. And if it takes forever, then thats okay too. You know as well as I know that you need people to help you. Take all the help you need. Its okay. Its okay to cry, its okay to hurt, its okay to love, and its okay to laugh. Its okay to make those mistakes. But, it is also okay to learn from them too. I feel you can do it, and I will always be here if you need me. A hug, a tear, I am also a good listener if you let me in. I really dont want anything else, but what is best for you. Not losing my daughter to the pain she feels, not losing my daughter to a never ending tormented life that she feels she lives in. Take the help that is there for you. It doesnt matter if you need to be somewhere to be safe it doesnt matter, you know why? Because we do love you. Corey loves you, I love you, believe it or not, Destiny loves you, and james. Gene is all upset and cares very much about you. He feels he caused some of this and cried to me about losin you. You know if you dont want to believe any of what I say, believe me when I tell you how much your son does care and loves you and if anything he needs you Teresa. I need you.

Love Always Mom

april 20, 2008

2010-03-28T20:57:00.002-04:00

i am 28 years old and have been self harming since i was 15 years old but if i actually look back into my younger years i see many different actions that i did that actually harmed myself also even though i was not doing them to the same extent i have done in the past and do currently...when i was 15 i tried to commit suicide for the first time in my life when my oldest son was 6 weeks old...it was valentines day 1995 and of course i failed and ended up in the hospital which is where i first started my cutting...from the hospital i went and lived in an adolescent residential for emotionally disturbed teens i was there until august 1998 when i turned 19...while i was there my self harm just got worse and my hopelessness with life carried on...several times while in there i tried to kill myself with no success...i got out when i was 19 in agust 1998 and stayed with family friends here there everywhere even shelters and the park and sidewalks at times but none of this helped i was still cutting and continued to be in and out of hospitals for trying to commit suicide there was even several times when i would self harm while in the hospital...i also went to day treatment and alls i did there was avoid dealing with any real issues and had been in a constant state of crisis through therapy i made very few break throughs and many times just avoided and ran from anything that would cause me to remember my past...in may 2000 i found out i was pregnant with my 7 second child which gave me reason and meaning to survive...i stopped cutting and started to live...i began to go to school and got an apartment through my case manager at dmh...the father was not involved at the time since it was a one night thing but i did move into the same building he lived in which was somewhat strange and uncomfortable but i managed...when my second son was born we got together and i ended up pregnant 5 weeks after his birth and we got married 2 a month after that and moved to a bigger apartment...that was feb 2001 and we got married march 7th 2001...the physical abuse with him started not long after that and it continuied until last year when i finally was able to gain some courage through the help of therapy and treatment to get a protective order on him...in 2003 we seperated for 6 months in which he lied to courts to get emergency custody of the 2 kids which 5 days later ended up in foster care which they stayed there for 2 long years...during that 6 months we were seperated and it was torture he harrasseed me tried having me arrested on several occasions and shit like that telling lie after lie i ended up relapsing with my cutting which i had not done for over 2 years that febuary and was hospitalized then again i tried to overdose and kill myself in april of that year...after getting oput of the hospital i started to move forward and tried to get on with my life and fight for my children...in may 2003 i started to mess around with an old friend and ended up pregnant by the end of may...but i didnt know yet...when all a sudden my husband went to the person i had been messing with and said he wanted me back...i jumped back into that relationship with him and then found out i was pregnant a few weeks later...then i got pregnat with my 5th child a few months after my 4th child was born and the 2nd and 3rd child were still in foster care and my oldest child still lived with my mom...we moved around alot and finally proved enough stability to get the 2 back from the state on feb 25th 2005 when my youngest and last chiold was 9 days old and the forth child was a year old that day that the second and third child came home...it was long there after that there were abuse towards the children and myself and the stability went down hill quickly...instead of being able to get things straight we moved out of state to avoid the issues that were happening and lost the 4 youngest children jan 18th 2006...i was still under his control even after finding out about my daughters sexual abuse by him which i found out august 2006...he was continuing to do what he wanted with me when he wanted it and i allowed it i guess...i didntr get away from him until april 2 2007 which was too late for me to regain custody of the kids and i lost my rights due to my inability to stabilize myself...i had relapsed back into my self harm feb 2006 and have not been able to gain control over it since...i have tried to kill myself on several occassions and been in and out of icu and the psychiatric hospitals and treatment centers since losing them...now i have lsot all my rights to them and can no longer see them find out about them or have anything to do with them...they all will be adopted at some point...the 3 youngest have already been adopted and as for my 7 year old he is in a residential for children with behavoir difficulties and supposed to be going to a home when he is stable enough...my oldest son who is now 13 lives 12 hours away still with my mother and i see him periodically...he will be coming down for the whole summer and i am excited...i talk to him almost everyday and am worried bout his mental health and what he has gone through in his life but he is the type that holds everything in and takes it out on his school work and has for years...i am currently free from self harm since tuesday april 15th 2008 which is not long but i am truing hour by hour to stay free even with these urges i continue to have...i currently am in dbt and have been in it since august 1998 with the middle years when i had my children when i didnt go at all and was in no kinda of treatment at all...now i am in dbt, therapy, accupunture and group therapy, and a trauma recovery group that is very difficult to be in but i am sticking it out since i quit it last year and trying to work through my life and suffering

april 21, 2008

2010-03-28T20:56:00.002-04:00

i feel trapped with endless amounts of shame and guilt that I have inside. It keeps me tied down and unable to become what my kids will need most when and if the desire to find me years from now. these painful and heart wrenching memories continue stabbing me deep in my already shredded heart that seems more and more unfixable as the days go by and my pains continue not to subside. I continue to think about how someone else is holding them and comforting them through this difficult time in their lives like they have been for the past 2 years and cant help to feel like these thoughts are unbearable and I feel the suffocation as my many thoughts race through my mind and penetrate my soul. I know I will never get rid of this heartache and mend my broken heart. Without them I am not whole and don't believe I ever will feel whole without them in my life. No one will ever know how empty I feel without them and this burning pain I have in my heart will not subside as long as they are gone from my life. I am blinded by the fear I feel not knowing where they are how they are doing and seeing that they are okay without me there by their sides. I wish that someday I will mean something to them and be important in their lives but yet I somehow doubt I will even matter to any of them. I know that they may not want anything to do with me and that will hurt and be more devastating knowing I waited all those years and none of them care to have me in their lives. I just want to end my own life before that occurs and it is so unbearable that I take my life then and they feel it was there fault for not wanting me around. I continue to struggle day after day with these unthinkable thoughts and wonder if it is best just for me not to wait and get it over with now. if I were just able to provide them with the world and give them all they needed wanted and yearned for and I lost them then I may not feel so alone and ashamed of myself for failing them. I would know I did all I could but none of that is true I know I gave up way before I should have and didn't have it in me to fight for them. as much as I try to avoid the reality of it all I know deep in my soul the truth and know that there were many things I should have done starting years ago when they were younger although they are still young I should have did many things that I just continued to let go and rather turn away as if none of it was important. But in reality it was what destroyed us as a family. My failure to protect them and give them what they deserved safety and stability.

may 18, 2008

2010-03-28T20:52:00.002-04:00

i am in a trauma recovery group and we are into the difficult part of the group where we are working on our abuse issues and i have not been doing my health work because i have not wanted to rehash this shit lately but i guess i really need to deal with some of it other wise i will just have wasted my time and everyone elses time in this group and not really gotten anywhere by doing the group and not working on me. last week was to write our life story on our physical abuse we endured in our life and i didnt do it but i will try to start with what i am supposed to be doing this week and go back and do that another time...well here goes i guess.............................................................................................................. .......................................................................................................................

It started when i was young not to sure of what age really but i do know that what i have been told is i was around 4 years old. My fathers brother david molested me and my brother...i was around 6 years old when my brother told otherwse i am sure it would have continued since he molested many of my cousins even his own children, my mother when she was a teenager even after she was with my father...she had me when she was 16 and he had been molesting her before she had me and after so i really dont understand why she would leave me and my brother alone with him knowing what he did...there is not much of it i remeber from back then but there are very slight pieces of things i remeber like his face and him giving me change after he did what he did...he would have me rub him in his genital area and he put his penis in my mouth...there are times when i see him standing over me and it seems like it is happening only it isnt...i never remebered any details of what happened until the past year and half when i guess after finding out my daughter was molested by my husband bits and pieces of this started occuring and it has been difficult...it all stopped once my brother told and we were put into foster care not long after all that shit came out but i never talked about it and just didnt remember...then after i came home from residential when i was 11 almost 12 my mother had a boyfriend at some point that she wasnt with long and they broke up when he went back to his wife but we were living in bradford on south pleasant street and i had my own room and i believe it happened on 2 occasions where he came in there when he was drinking he would start to rub me between my legs...i could smell the alcohol on his breathe and he would tell me how much i looked like my mom...i dont really think that affected me much because it wasnt a major event in my life it was very brief and i dont feel it had an impact on me...when i was 12 my mother was dating my fathers brother stephan...It was a saturday afternoon and my mother was at work. i was laying on her bed in her bedroom which at the time was the room next to mine.we were living on 11th ave...i was watching a movie and i am not sure where my 2 brothers were or my sister but stephan had come home early from work not really sure why. as i layed there he came and layed on the bed next to me which did not make me uncomfortable at that moment...when he began touching my breast area and slowly moved down to my genitals i became frozen...i knew what was going on was wrong i knew he shouldnt have been touching me but i was scared and nervious...for some reason i could not do anything or say anything to make him stop i was frozen for a moment and i remeber it actually felt okay he told me after he was done and i had jerked him off not to ever tell anyone or he would get into trouble and he asked me if i wanted to get him into trouble and i said no he then made me promise i wasnt going to tell anyone and i promised not to. he then gave me cigarrettes and a 10 dollar bill...i remeber i had to tell my mother that i found the money while at the park on the next street over...so many times he gave me money after we did things it became like he was paying me to have sex with him but at the time i didnt realize that...he always reminded me to keep this our secret and never to tell anyone...he began to favor me over the other kids and when my mother would hit me he would protect me from her by saying something to her to get her to stop hurting me...i felt he cared and that he would protect me because i felt i was important to him and i mattered...there were many nights when my mother was working that he would come to my room and have sex with me and at times i remeber enjoying it...he always told me how pretty i was and he constantly talked through the sex and had me talk to him dirty during it and i did he would say for me to tell im what i wanted and i would tell him fuck me or harder and i was just a fucked up teenager learning all this shit from porn movies he would watch with me or from him a 42 year old man...then i got pregnant with my sone at the age of 14 until corey was born i was so scared after finding out i was pregnant and thinking people were now going to find out and he just kept telling me not to say anything or the baby would be taken from me and he continued this but my son wasnt his...i had had sex with a guy that lived with my father a few times and i also had sex with several other men who i didnt know i would go to parks and watch men that were alone...i would make sexual gestures and expressions to them to seduce them i had become a whore by the age of 14...then my son was born and the sex neevr stopped between stephan and i even after i was tried killing myself when my son was 6 weeks old...i was put into the hospital and then into a residential in rowley where i would get passes to go home and he would pick me up and drive me home or drive me back and he would stop somewhere on the way and i would suck his dick or we would have sex and i still felt like he cared and that even though it shouldnt be happening i continued to do it...then there were the times i was in the psychiatric hospital when he would have sex with me on the way back to the hospital from pass which is the last time anything happened with him when i finally told someone at the mcleans hospital after cutting myself when getting back...we had pulled over into a the dark corner of a hotel parking lot on the way back to the hospital and we had sex and then he dropped me off...there were many nights in those 4 years that even when i didnmt want it he pressured me into doing something with him but it also became like just a part of myy life...my mother went to work and i fucked her boyfriend...there were the times when he came into the shower while i was showering and so many times i just dont remember...there are so much in my life at that time that most of those 4 years i dont remember...even when i had sex with my mothers friends husband it was like i couldnt say no i would just do it to get it over with because he wanted it...i dont remeber a whole lot about details but i do remeber some and i guess this is just the beginnign of it because there is just so much that happened and i times i dont remeber anything then other times i remeber more but right now i just feel like blocked and cant remember a whole lot more than this

january 20, 2008

2010-03-28T20:00:00.002-04:00

I feel trapped with endless amounts of shame and guilt that I have inside. It keeps me tied down and unable to become what my kids will need most when and if the desire to find me years from now. these painful and heart wrenching memories continue stabbing me deep in my already shredded heart that seems more and more unfixable as the days go by and my pains continue not to subside. I continue to think about how someone else is holding them and comforting them through this difficult time in their lives like they have been for the past 2 years and cant help to feel like these thoughts are unbearable and I feel the suffocation as my many thoughts race through my mind and penetrate my soul. I know I will never get rid of this heartache and mend my broken heart. Without them I am not whole and don't believe I ever will feel whole without them in my life. No one will ever know how empty I feel without them and this burning pain I have in my heart will not subside as long as they are gone from my life. I am blinded by the fear I feel not knowing where they are how they are doing and seeing that they are okay without me there by their sides. I wish that someday I will mean something to them and be important in their lives but yet I somehow doubt I will even matter to any of them. I know that they may not want anything to do with me and that will hurt and be more devastating knowing I waited all those years and none of them care to have me in their lives. I just want to end my own life before that occurs and it is so unbearable that I take my life then and they feel it was there fault for not wanting me around. I continue to struggle day after day with these unthinkable thoughts and wonder if it is best just for me not to wait and get it over with now. if I were just able to provide them with the world and give them all they needed wanted and yearned for and I lost them then I may not feel so alone and ashamed of myself for failing them. I would know I did all I could but none of that is true I know I gave up way before I should have and didn't have it in me to fight for them. as much as I try to avoid the reality of it all I know deep in my soul the truth and know that there were many things I should have done starting years ago when they were younger although they are still young I should have did many things that I just continued to let go and rather turn away as if none of it was important. But in reality it was what destroyed us as a family. My failure to protect them and give them what they deserved safety and stability.

wrote this january 31, 2008

2010-03-28T19:58:00.002-04:00

what bothers me most is my whole life no one believed me...growing up everywhere i turned to for help turned me away...i refused to go home from school one time cause i was afraid and alls the school did was drive me to social services and then at 5 pm when they were closing and did not want to listen to me i went to the police department and they didnt care either alls they did was call my mother to come get me and when i refused to leave they made me leave...i ended up not going with her i went to my aunts and when i went there she called my mom and told her i was going to stay there and i was okay...my mom ended up showing up there and told me that if i did not go out to the car now she was going to have her boyfriedn beat my ass in front of everyone...the same boyfriend that when i finally told her about him sexually abusing me when i was sixteen and he had been doing it since i was almost 13 she told me if he had had sex with me there would be things only some one who had sex with him would know and the only thing i could recall was he was uncircumsized and she told me anyone would know that...after that we never really have talked about it except when we are fighting and i hold a grudge because she continued to see him and talk to him even after they broke up...my brother james still talks to him and buys cars from him up until before they moved here...event though my mom is married to tom she still had him helping her move like when tom refused to drive the uhaul to missouri back in the end of 2001 then when dakoata was a baby she wanted me to let her take him to a cookout but yet i wasnt invited when i got there she had run to the store with my aunt and stephen was there corey was running around and i called her and flipped out told her my son did not belong around him and dakoata was not staying there with stephen there and she said that she had no control who was at the cookout and if i was going to be that way just cause he was there then dont expect anything from her...my whole life things have always come down to the fact that the rest of the kids kept there mouths shut with shit going on and because i always ended up saying something to someone i was treated like i wasnt part of them...if social services was coming i was told i better not say anything cause if she lost her kids she would never talk to me again when we were living in methuen on brown street...on pilling street when she was kicking me in the head while i was cowering she pushed my grandmother for getting involved in it and telling her to leave me alone...are relationship did seem better while i was pregnant with corey and then after he was born she did what my fathers family did with her maybe not to the same extent because they didnt let her feed me or hold me which really it wasnt that bad with corey with me she just constantly yelled at me for not letting my sister hold him and thats his aunt she can hold him...like she was the boss of him...i have always strived to be honest as long as i remember back really the only things i remember lying about is when things interfere with my plans to self injure and even then it is so hard for me to lie about that to certain people i have grown to sometype of trust with and have respect for...i know all this shit is the past and i need to get over it but how...how do i stop reliving the feelings from growing up whenever i feel the same feelings and stop having such a strong reaction to situations when they make me feel the same way from the past or even when i mildly feel the same way i react more than i should...yeah i know i have never dealt with any of this really and really have never delved indepth about my life...i have always avoided discussing anything really and have never worked on any of this shit and when i think about it i immediately try to hurt myself as a deterent rather than sitting through it...when i was six and i was being abused and didnt tell i was taught then to talk but never did my brother is the one who told and what happened we ended up in foster care then when i was 12 and stephen started touching me why didnt i stop it why did i allow it to continue...yes it was alot of different shit at the time he did stick up for me when my mom was treating me like shit...he did give me cigarettes and money all the time but i still knew it was wrong and even when i went into residential and it continued to happen on visits why didnt i say something then...so he showed me attention he told me he loved me all the time...but what is love...my mom never said she loved me except after beating me and then felt guilty for what she did and would tell me i love you but i dont know why you make me so angry at you...why is it that i feel i am the one who has dont something wrong my whole life because i allow shit to get to me and cant just let it go and forget about it...how is it that the rst of the kids have been able to live without allowing any of this shit to faize them and they have just been able to forget about this shit and go on about their lives...yeah they are younger than me and did not endure as much of the physical abuse from my mom but they witnessed it...my brother gene and i were the fuck ups i guess but yet gene is still protected by my mom why because he has always kept the code of silence since exposing the sexual abuse when him and i were young...is it because i cant keep my mouth shut...even though in reality i have held alot in...the only time shit comes out is when it gets too much for me to handle and i end up opening my mouth when i really dont want to...why is i feel like i dont belong to that family...but yet my mom has told me i might not even be my dads kid i might be his brother davids kid because he was still molesting my mom when she was with my dad...but yet then she allowed him to be around me and my brother and he touched us...why if she knew he was a child molester did she allow him around us...why didnt my mother protect us rather than put us in that situation...supposedly he was still doing it to her but she was an adult...will i ever get answers...will answers make a difference...will finding out the truth instead of coverup after coverup help...probably not so why is it that alls i do is search for answers or clues and question myself over and over...why do i question life so often...why do i feel like the fuckup when they are fucked up...i feel so alone and never have felt a part of them and why is it that i have always been so unwanted...how have i continued existing and cant get away from this life...how is it that when i feel i cant go on i somehow continue and even when i try not to go on i live through it...how do i escape all this and stop my pain i keep experiencing and get away from it all...i want to get away from life...i want my life to go away...erase the past and let me forget all this pain

Forgiving and Forgetting???

2010-03-22T21:24:00.002-04:00

Forgiving and Forgetting???

Posted on March 22, 2010 by fiamarie

This blog is only my personal struggle with forgiving and forgetting, it does not at all mean I think everyone has to forgive what has been done to them. It is a personal decision and I respect that…

Last night I had a conversation with a good friend. I was trying to convince him he needed to forgive his parents as I had done and in order to do this he must forget. He told me of horrible childhood traumas that made my arguments seem pathetic. If you read my blog on BPD and Abuse you may know that I too was abused emotionally, physically, verbally… However the “martyr” in me has decided that she has forgiven and forgotten. Mark, my friend said something to me that I was thinking of the whole day, “I have forgiven, but I cannot forget, because to me to forgive means to understand and if you forget how can you understand?” Can you actually forgive wrongdoings without forgetting? What does forgiveness mean? Do we really forget? I mean it’s not like we can erase human memory.

I came to a couple of conclusions. First, forgiveness to me meant understanding my mother as a human, who had faults, who was suffering as I have and who did NOT INTENTIONALLY mean to harm me. I tried to explain this to him and he agreed however we were stuck on the forgetting part. I cannot ever forget half my life can I? What I meant by forgetting is to let it go, set the person you are holding responsible free, break down the walls of anger that you have with them, they are destroying or have destroyed your relationship. Forgiving is telling them you do not blame them any longer, forgetting is never talking of it again, letting go of the hostility and hurt over the offenses, because in reality who is it hurting but you? The term I can forgive but never forget, is misleading, of course you can never not remember the acts that led you to a life of pain, but you can set them, the anger, the hurt, the pain, the reliving of the memories, the hostility, the “throwing it in their face” aside… The memories are the past, continuing to dwell on it can only control you, can only cause you the pain that you are feeling.

Mark understood his parents and their actions, but he talked of the abuse and I could hear the pain, even though it was through a computer, so no he has not set it free, and maybe neither have I, since I still do have pain.

So, then the question is not can we forgive and forget, it is can we forgive and stop reliving.. Everytime we hurt ourselves, put ourselves in harmful situations, drug ourselves, think of suicide, push people away, etc… we are reliving past hurts, escalating them, we are not “forgetting.” So how does one “forget?” I think that is a personal answer and I would like some feedback to how some people have done this.

I once went to a Shaman. She could tell immediately when I walked in the door, I was a wounded person. She handed me some kind of rock and told me to put it in a sock. She then said when I was ready to think of all the wrongdoings that I have endured, say them into the sock and then break the rock a little each night until it was in bits. Sound strange huh? Well, I did it. I broke that rock with a hammer every night in my backyard, but I still have some in tact. The rock of course is a symbol of the hatred in my heart, the pain that I have not forgotten, so while I may understand why my mother did what she did, how she suffered, I too am holding onto that rock. I have not declared my independence from the memories therefore I hold both me and my mother captive. I hope to one day soon destroy that whole rock and set us both free and I hope the same for Mark and for all of you

I found this to be very interesting as I always feel as if forgiving means I have to forget and so many times when people forgive someone they do not have to forget but most of the time they end up forgetting. this is why I feel I am not ready to forgive my abusers as I do not want to forget the little I do remember for fear if I forget what I do remember I will never remember all there is I need to know about what there is that I have lost of who I am and what happened to me to make me become who I Now am!

Letter To My Therapist Recently Regarding my need to work on my Trauma from My Childhood

2010-03-21T23:39:00.000-04:00

I guess I should start off by saying that I realize it appears there is so much going on for me and a lot of chaos in my life with this living situation and custody issue with Corey, but I also want you to see I am functioning through it without falling too far down. Yes I get depressed and at times it still seems to me that suicide is an option but it has not been an action. So the reason I am saying all this is because I am beginning to feel unproductive in therapy. I am beginning to feel that I am wasting your time as we are not actively working on anything specific. Although things are not perfect and sometimes my thoughts are self destructive my actions have not been. So maybe it is time for us to work through some things. I am wanting to work on some real therapy goals not just these generic stabilizing goals. I am not sure what I am meaning to a point and maybe I am making not a whole lot of sense to you but I believe there is a point when this are going okay where it is time to delve into issues never really addressed. Not really sure how to go about this or how to face things but there are things within me that needs working on instead of my sessions constantly being about everyday life and “how things are going”. It is like groundhog day every week in therapy. Things will only change if I change them. But underneath the current changes needing done is the fear, the trust issues, the lack of assertiveness, the not believing I deserve better, the feelings of shame/guilt, the need for punishment, the feeling of self hatred, feeling I don’t deserve better, all these things is what is behind my everyday internal conflicts with current life issues and without delving into the core of those issues where they began and where they progressed I am not sure I am going to make much more progress. I am at a point in my treatment where I guess you can say it is a plateau and there seems to be no digression or progression that I can pinpoint recently. the core of my current life stress stem from core beliefs and the core beliefs stem from early childhood trauma that has never been worked through completely because on my inability to be stable long enough to really focus on those things. I am not sure of your background surrounding actual specializing in trauma recovery but believe I am at a point where my life is stable enough and my fear of me losing what I have is not burdening to a point I am heading into a hospital anytime soon. Yes I realize sometimes actually facing issues are much more difficult than wanting to or needing to and may be a concern for setting myself up to fall but I am ready and willing. I now have a reason to keep myself stable to a point where I cannot allow myself to need hospitalization so it is now that would be a time to work through some stuff and if it gets to much then stop but why not face things head on instead of constantly ending up back in the same life difficulties because of core issues. I am not sure this is something you can understand or if I am really making much sense but I guess I am just sick of repeating the same things in my life, in my relationships, and constantly feeling a void, unhappiness, unable to normalize, unable to be close to people, fear of judgment from others, and maybe I am complacent right now.

I think maybe we need more of a therapy agenda and I need some weekly homework to do throughout the week. Not just minor things but actual assignments that I can do we can use them as a starting point in our sessions the following week. I know there is a lot to be dealt with and it is a process but I also know that this stuff that we are doing therapy lately just discussing everyday relationship issues stems from issues from before I can remember. The will continue to occur until the core issues are addressed. We have been seeing each other long enough now that I have been able to feel the secure from you and trust you to a degree. I went through the trauma group and made some progress through that but not enough. I guess what I am saying is either there is no point in me coming just because of my fear or losing treatment if I am as stable as I am and not dealing with the things that need to be dealt with to possibly progress my life to a better point where it has never been before now. I have to deal with the shame, the guilt, the confusion, the mixed emotions that came from the abuse if I am going to get somewhere. I also still feel as if I need to deal with some grief, guilt/shame, secrets, and take blame where blame is due regarding my children’s abuse and neglect. None of this I was abused so it was not my fault I allowed my children to experience similar lifestyles while living in my household shit. Cause that stuff is no longer cutting it with me. Responsibility for my choices and the things I played a part in while raising my kids need to be addressed and worked through or I may never feel fully hopeful, happy, able to keep living. Sometimes the way you put things feels as if you want me to place blame where blame does not belong and for me to take no responsibility for what happened, how things happened, what the kids lives were like and so on so forth. That stuff was needed in the beginning when I was fragile. I am no longer fragile that I cannot face responsibility regarding where I went wrong and discuss it. I am tired of holding in all these secrets. I am not sure there is much more that can stay within my head before it breaks me. I want to be able to safely go through this stuff with someone I have grown to trust and someone I know is not going to hurt me. I do not want sympathy though. I more am looking for real therapy work. Yes I needed sympathy to a degree for such a long time but that is over. I need you to help me be who I want to be and work through what I need to get through to be that person I desire. But with that includes being more pushy, holding me accountable, being responsive and getting angry when I anger you. Yes I have seen frustration from you but you have taught me recently that I can live through someone being angry or frustrated with me or my behaviors and not have to fear being hurt because you are angry. This has been an enlightening and turning point recently I believe and has brought me to realize you are ok. You will not hurt me I guess. I think. Am I wrong? Your actions has taught me to feel safe with you. i know sometimes I still struggle with trusting you and thinking you will leave me as everyone else has but things have changed lately. Not sure it is good but it feels safe and okay.

I know you will probably give me one of your generic responses as it seems what I always get from you when I write. You will probably tell me you will see me Friday and we can discuss this then. But I am looking for more than just discussion. I want a plan. I want guidance. I want more from my life. I do not want when I clam up for you to allow it. I want to be pushed when pushing is needed. These are the things I believe will get me to where I need to be in my life down the road. I know I want a lot and this is asking a lot of you. I am not sure if it is even reasonable of me to say all this. But I guess this is the best I know how to express my new needs to you. I can do this. I may not be able to treat myself and get through it by myself but I believe my life has come to a path where more is needed for me to get to where I desire to be. Hope to hear from you.

Journal of Healing: Healing Through The Thorns

2010-03-21T22:35:00.000-04:00

Journal of Healing: Healing Through The Thorns

Journal of Healing

2010-03-20T23:56:00.000-04:00

Journal of Healing

the diary of a survivor in the making

2010-03-20T23:49:00.000-04:00

the diary of a survivor in the making

The Thriver's Toolbox: Thought Patterns

2010-03-20T23:35:00.001-04:00

The Thriver's Toolbox: Thought Patterns

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Thought Patterns

For much of my life I expected things to go wrong. It seems like I was afraid of everything. These days, I feel much different. Well, you knew that from my "identity"--April Optimist. I had a reminder of how important it is that we learn to choose how we look at situations.

Right before I left for the east coast, I posted about frustration with my ex-husband and his relationship with my daughter. I refocused and asked myself what good could come out of it and spoke to both. Upshot? He made time for her and they talked about some very important things and she again has faith her father loves and accepts her. They have talked in ways they never did before.

While I was on my trip, my laptop screen went dead. My first reaction? How terrible! How unfair! I mean, the thing is only around 2 years old! Then I refocused. Realized how lucky I was. It happened while I was staying with friends who had an external monitor I could use. It turned out my laptop is still under warranty--for a couple more weeks. It turned out I'd gotten on site service so they came to my house--when I got back home--to fix the laptop. I wasn't, at the moment, teaching an online class. In other words, I am very, very lucky.

The thing is, I could have put my energy and emotions into anger and frustration in both cases. I could have seen myself as cursed. Instead, good things came out of both situations. Definitely a reminder to let myself believe things can go well for me, things can turn out okay, I can be lucky.

It isn't always easy to stop and ask myself that key question: What good is there or could there be about this situation? Sometimes that's the last thing I feel like asking. But these two things were a powerful reminder of why that IS what I want to do.

Here's hoping you're able to see good--or the potential for good--in the challenges in your life, too. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

PS I am soooo way behind on things between the trip and needing to get my laptop fixed. I'm going to try to visit blogs in the next couple of days.

Posted by April_optimist at 2:10 PM

Learning to Let Go of my Secrets: My Recent Realizations

2010-03-18T21:30:00.001-04:00

Learning to Let Go of my Secrets: My Recent Realizations

My Recent Realizations

2010-03-18T21:30:00.000-04:00

Recently my life has progressed to a point to where I believe it will not progress much further without me really dealing with my abuse from my childhood. However, I continue to struggle with these desires to let these secrets out of my deep locked closets and keeping these closets locked forever. discussing this with my therapist of 3 1/2 years and us both agreeing I am stable and my life is at a stand point and I have a lot of core issues that stem from early childhood trauma that I avoid even recognizing when it is brought up. We have agreed to begin working on these things but for the past few weeks since agreeing, I have been able to avoid the issues by sidetracking and bringing up other issues we also feel is things that need dealing with. I know they both need to be dealt with. However, I am purposely avoiding the issues of the childhood issues because I have also avoided it and she knows more of the details of the issues surround the loss of my kids and my parental rights as she went through the court proceedings with me and has been my therapist since about 6 months after social services took them. Now that my life is stable enough for these issues not to bring me to a point of my life being at risk I really need to face them in order for my life to progress to what I desire my life to become.