learning to love myself..

2011-06-26T22:18:00.001-07:00

Everything we see

All illusion

Spinning fast before our eyes

So confusing

Everything we think we know

Everything we think we see

Is only our eyes

Telling lies

White, purple, orange, green, blue

Yes, fuschia too

These colors snap and fade to black

Read between the lines of this world before our eyes

Atoms connecting

Energy shifting

Frequencies flowing

Our lifes changing

The clock strikes 12

The countdowns maxed

We are changing

Ever shifting

Always living

It will never stop

Look around this blinded world

It is nothing like whats in store

Before our eyes

Its amazing

The only thing we need to do

Is live inside

Whats keeping you

It is all we will ever need to do

Its inside of you

2011-03-11T18:00:00.000-08:00

I went to bed last night very positive and peaceful. I felt very one with the universe, life, and people.

This morning I had a dream that I was speaking to my grandmother on the phone. I said bye and she said "I have to die first" I remember thinking during my dream that was an odd thing to say.

I then got a text from my mom a few minutes later which read "tell me when you are ready for some awful terrible really bad news" (She knew not to wake me up since it was my first morning to sleep in)

I instantly called her back and knew exactly what I was going to hear.

My grandma died this morning.

2011-02-27T00:03:00.001-08:00

Something to keep in mind..

Not one living thing on earth can understand how you are feeling 100%

It would be audacious of me to ever get upset at anyone for (re)acting or saying something that I would not do myself.

and yet.. I do..

but so does everybody it seems.. Maybe we all just need to let things go when people (re)act in a way you disapprove of or don't understand.

The last two huge arguments I had ended in both of us realizing that it all comes down to the fact that we are different people, who grew up differently, who had different disciplinary action, schooling, friends, and basically every single thing. Therefore, we have an entirely different perspective of what the world is and how we need to behave in it. So we then stopped our argument and agreed to disagree. In the grand scheme of what life is all about and what those people mean to me is far greater than any miniscule disagreement that we had.

All I think matters is showing the people I love and care about that I love and care about them. They are one of the reasons that truly make my life worth living on this place we call earth.

2011-02-10T13:29:00.000-08:00

Its interesting. The person I am right now is a completely different person than who I used to be. I actually don't even feel like that person was me. The interesting thing is the reason I feel this way is not based solely on my size. It has more to do with the way I think and live.

I feel like I have gone through a very large personal transformation in my body, mind, and soul. I first achieved my weight loss goal which is something that I never thought would be a possibility in this lifetime. I then began the process of questioning my beliefs and views on life and this universe. I am still currently in this process and I very much hope it never ends. I will NEVER know anything about this world and life, I realize this. So all I can think to do is learn as much as I can while I am here and do the best I can to become the best person I can be.

In the past year I have made conscious efforts to change my behavior in situations. Which to my surprise I actually noticed a difference in how people treated me and how I felt about others and treated them. Id like to share with you one of the things I did and how I realized I needed to change my behavior.

About 6 months ago or so I was in my room recording a song with my camera. I was playing guitar as well and I had just gotten through half of the song and it was perfect so far. My mom then knocks on my door and asks me a simple question. I got so frustrated and snapped at her for doing that when I was recording. She apologized and seemed genuinely sorry but I still treated her poorly from my frustration in this situation. Now, If I was not recording I may not have made this change. I was replaying what I recorded a little later and was absolutely disgusted with myself and how I had treated my mom. This made me take a look at my behavior in a different way. I thought about it more and realized, how on earth should my mom have known I was recording. She even felt terrible and apologized. I had no reason whatsoever to snap at her. From that moment on I told myself that I would no longer take out frustration on others when it was in no way deserved.

It took about 4 months until I really noticed a difference. There were many times I had to remove myself from a situation so I didnt say something I regret. It was also very consuming constantly thinking about what to say and not just speaking from reaction. However, as time went on it became easier. I found that I now have a great deal of patience for people, I honestly care about people more, and I have become a lot better friend and person because of this simple change I made in myself.

Everyday I strive to be the best person that I can be and treat others how I want to be treated. No one deserves anything less. I dont care who they are, or what they did. I love everyone. I am no better than any other person on this earth.

A major point I would like to bring up is that I still snap at times and still take out aggression when I shouldn't. I am not saying I will never act that way again, because I most certainly will. The point of this is that most of the time I have learned to keep my cool and I only hope that as time goes on with this change, I will eventually have less and less frustration that I may take out on others.

The only thing I know for sure is that this life I am living is more than I can even fathom. I dont believe I will ever know for sure why life exists. The one thing I do feel I know is that life is ment to be shared and enjoyed. I believe life is about people and the expiriences you share with those people. Good and bad. I can learn something from every single person I come into contact with.

2011-01-22T00:36:00.000-08:00

21 days into the new year and a moment that will stay with me forever has happened. I can already tell this year may be one of the most mentally challenging years i will have. This is an incredibly good thing and yet also very difficult. i can't wait.

2010-12-23T01:52:00.000-08:00

today was beyond insane.. my job doesnt require me to run yet i got a side ache from running so much.

today was one of those days where you know everything will be going wrong..you know those kinda days, where everthing bad piles into one day and turns into a complete shit storm.. yeah that was basically today in a nutshell. but whatever, life goes on..

the real problem i have is falling asleep. as in the fact being that i cant.. unless i fall asleep with friends over or i fall asleep to doing something (usually the phone is in my hands when i wake up in the middle of the night) I am afraid to go to bed.. my mind has time to think and i get depressed and lonely.. i hate being alone so much..

its 3:48 am and i have to be up at 5:15am. I have had an average of maybe 4 hours of sleep this week.. 9 hour day tomorrow.

fuck.

ok my eyes are about to close. i hope i can plug in my phone before i pass out (im posting from my phone ha and its about to die)

**sidenote** if you are having a bad day click on Christians picture below and watch his reunion.. makes me so incredibley happy i cry everytime.. life is about people, animals, life, expierences, love, and happiness. thats all wrapped up in this video. I love life <3

2010-12-20T23:28:00.000-08:00

ugh.. its 1:07 AM and I am still awake.. not cool.

This seems to be a common issue as of late.. I know what my problem is.. however, I dont really have a means to fix it..
I am alone. This makes me very sad on a regular basis. I am 23 years old and have not even held hands with a boy.. I am lacking so much physical touch and feelings of love towards me. This has only recently become very noticable in myself. I feel that when I was overweight I could sheild myself from relationships. I think deep down in me I knew that as long as I looked the way I did I would never fall in love. It did not matter that in reality that is probably not true. I believed it enough so it became true.

Jumping back to now.. I hate being alone because I then have time to think. When I think at night I get sad and lonely. and lately the fact that I have never had a relationship or never had any type of physical relationship with someone is really starting to effect me..

Last night I dreamt about cuddling.. up until the past year or so I never used to have dreams about intimacy that much.. its strange. Considering falling in love is all I have ever cared about having haha.. but thats not the point. it was wonderful to have a dream like that and I wish I could really know what that felt like.

Pretty sure that if I had someone to cuddle with every night, I wouldnt be having these issues of falling asleep.

2010-12-19T14:25:00.000-08:00

Meet Scarlett:

She is my beautiful corn snake that I adore &hearts; I didn't know it was possible to love a snake as much as I love her lol She means more to me than just any old pet. The reason I got her was so I had someone that needed me. I have never had a boyfriend, or even a boy that had a crush on me. I have never felt needed by someone else. I have never felt love back from someone in that way, and I felt that getting a pet would be the best way to help me deal with those sad emotions.

I had a different snake for about two or three months before I got her. My other snakes name was Grigory. I called him Grigsy :) I loved him a lot as well but he was very sick from the start and ended up passing away shortly after I got him. It was very difficult for me to handle due to the fact that the reason I got a pet was not just for the sake of having a pet. It was hard because I felt I needed someone to need me to take care of them and I felt as though I killed Grigsy. I felt terrible, but it turns out that Grigsy was sick from the beginning. I miss him still, but I like the cherish the time I did have with him.

Miss you Grigory <3

So now I have Scarlett and I couldn't be happier with her. She puts so much joy in my life when I feel I dont have any. When im having a terrible day, she can always make me smile. I love coming home from work to her. She is always in some cute new spot in the cage. Most times when I go near her cage she will peak her little nose out her cave and watch me, sometimes for hours. SOOO cute. I just love her. haha so here are a few pictures of her.. a very selected few. I tend to take about 20 pictures a day of her haha

2010-12-17T16:17:00.000-08:00

So here I go, a new tool to help myself cope with my life. I love those.. coping mechanisms. Life is one big coping mechanism.

I hate the first of everything. I always have to introduce myself in some way. When is a few minutes summary, some fun facts about myself like my favorite band or where I would most like to visit, or a quick bio on a web-page of myself really going to tell you anything about who I really am as a person. If anything it will most likely give you something to create an untrue uninformed opinion of me whether it be a positive or negative judgement. So I'm not going to try an explain who I am. I am just going to start writing.

Today has been a rough day. I have had a terrible cold for the past 2 days with horrendous coughing attacks and currently, I have no voice. I am reduced to what seems to be like secret telling all day. The reason this is absolutely terrible is for the sheer fact that my favorite part of each day is singing in the car. I tried doing that today.. pretty sure it didn't happen. Fortunately, I work in operations at my place of employment and am not required to speak to customers everyday haha

I want to mention a little about the title of this blog and what it means to me. I over the past few years have reached a total weight loss of 165 pounds. The thing I have discovered about weight loss is that your mind doesn't always lose the weight with your body. I was born on December 11th, 1987 and have lived most my life up until around 2009 extremely overweight. Even as a child my mom always said that I was thicker than all the other children. I was always the biggest in my class and overweight, and then became very obese once I reached high school. My highest recorded weight is 314 pounds and my lowest recorded weight I have from this past September is 148. I am currently hovering around 150. In September of 2010 I had a Tummy Tuck done and could not be happier with that decision even though it has put me into some major finance stress at times. Luckily, I feel my personal happiness and self-esteem is a lot more important in life than money. so yay :) I have now reached a healthy weight and feel great about my size.. for the most part. I would love to tone up many areas and fix some of what I see as flaws but in a broad sense, if I could stay the size I am right now forever I would be happy :) The only problem is that I have come to find that it is not that simple. Half of my brain realizes I am no longer 300 pounds but the other half doesn't know how to understand life any other way than being that size. As an outcome I am confused by the way I am treated every single day.

I am currently in the process of learning to love myself, my life, and everyone around me. Hopefully this blog will help me reach those goals ♥