Leave It To Beesus:

I Think Maybe Cannibals Are Out To Get Me

2012-02-07T09:01:00.000-05:00

So because I am a fragile creature made of starlight, moonbeams, and porcelain paste, I have to take rigorous care of my skin.

It reacts so often to so much that I am the Keith Richards of OTC allergy pills - which is exactly as exciting as it sounds like it would be (read: not at all).

As I've gotten older it's gotten worse, but the trade-off is that as I've gotten older, I've developed the basic ability to care for myself - gone are the days when socks, showers, and basic hydration were shunned! Welcome to the days of moisturizers, eight glasses a day, and frequent hand washing!

This is all by way of saying that normally I've got the odd allergic reaction and suspicious herpes-lookin' rash under control. But still, every once in a while, when my heart has been crushed by a dude or a theatre company or the lady who got the last brick of Kerrygold Irish Butter, I repress my "feelings" and my skin is all "OH HELL NO WE FEEL A CERTAIN WAY ABOUT THIS," and I get like, a red welt on my face - Basically I am the sexiest person you have ever met.

When this happens, I troll the internet (like a predator) on the hunt for home remedies. The shit people suggest oozing onto yourself is highly suspect if not mildly entertaining. Of all the home remedies I've found, there are only two that have ever helped.

1.) COCONUT OIL: LATHER YOURSELF IN IT! ALL OF YOURSELF! THEN SHOWER! THEN PUT ON MORE! THEN BUY LOTION WITH IT IN IT AND DO THIS EVERYDAY! YOU WILL BE BABY SOFT AND ALSO SMELL LIKE SOMEBODY WHO DUDES WANNA HAVE MAD SEX WITH!

2.) VODKA: OH MY GOD THIS IS NOT A DRILL. HAVE YOU EVER HOSED YOUR BODY DOWN WITH VODKA? I DID THIS ONCE AND HAD TO USE VODKA FROM MY FREEZER AND IT WAS A BRISK BOOZY DELIGHT. I WAS RADIANT AND SOOTHED YOU GUYS! ALSO MAYBE I DRANK A LARGE PORTION OF THE VODKA?

Yeah. I'm that enthused about them. It's all caps lock all the time, over here on the Beesus Blog.

The thing of it is, however, that most of these remedies are food (or hooch) related. Just this morning I was reading about smearing goat cheese on your body and while reading about the benefits I got so excited that it took longer than I am proud of for it to don on me that probably all of these remedies have been invented by cannibals, in order to get their meals to self-marinate.

You almost can't blame them. It's like that in preying on the vainest, weirdest, and cheapest people alive they are doing humanity a favor. A delicious, silky-smooth skinned favor.

MONDAY STUFF!

2012-02-06T08:59:00.000-05:00

What's up everyone? How was your weekend? Mine was pretty okay. I downloaded this app that allows my friends (and mortal enemies) track my exact whereabouts, so I kept going to odd places and texting people to tell them to check out my whereabouts for purposes of comedy. It was a good time.

But back to the grind - ammiright? Yes sir it's tough out here for a working broad. So tough in fact that I have been forced to turn to Norwegian Black Metal. That's why -

IT'S BLACK METAL MONDAY!

Ha ha ha. I'm kidding. Black Metal scares me. I watched a documentary about it this weekend and baaaasically had to sleep with a lamp on? Paranormal activity viewing? I sleep like a baby. Present me with Norwegians unable to express basic empathy - I LIVE IN FEAR.

But you know what makes me feel better? You know.

IT'S MIKE ROWE MONDAY!

I am 90% sure that Mike Rowe would never burn down a church.

Well, 85% sure.

10 Songs That Get Stuck In My Head

2012-02-03T11:44:00.000-05:00

1.) 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody'

Yeah, when the night falls my lonely heart calls, so? Wanna fight about it? BOBBY!

2.) 'Dominic, The Italian Christman Donkey'

I don't know who wrote this song, but I do know they are a genius. An evil, evil genius.

3.) 'Kiss From A Rose'

If you speak these lyrics aloud, they make, zero sense. But it's still a good time. Especially if you do it in a Jeremy Irons voice.

4.) 'Informer'

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Snow was a badass and I defy you to prove me otherwise.

5.) 'Bella Notte'

There is no love greater than the love that allows you to give away your last meatball. Ha. Gross.

6.) 'Shoop'

I once dramatically quit a 6th grade dance contest where my team was working on this song. My moves were weak, I was doing us all a favor.

7.) 'Cotton Eyed Joe'

I use to frighten my cats slash psych myself up for a night on the town. I only wish I were kidding.

8.) 'Why Should I Worry?'

Fact: This song was one of the deciding factors when it came time to sussing out if I was New York ready. They do, as it happens, love me at the Chelsea and adore me at the Ritz.

9.) 'Hurts So Good'

COOOUGAR!

10.) 'Dr. Feelgood'

This song makes me want to be a drummer. Also, Nikki Sixx's underwear.

10 Steps To Building Your Own Wine Cellar.

2012-01-31T09:36:00.000-05:00

Today I joined this site that is like Groupon for wine. I am obsessed with it. So much so that I won't mention it here, because it will seem like I am schilling. But, if you are cheap, and love wine, hit me up for a link because if you effin' use it to buy some hooch I get more hooch for cheaper and that is straight up how I roll. In celebration of the fact that I may now actually start a wine cellar, here are ten steps to owning your own wine cellar.

1.) Live in a place with a cellar in it. I don't normally advise this, since I am scared of basements. But not as scared as my baby brother who believed an ominous homeless man dressed in brown rags used our basement as his central base in a network of underground caves.

2.) If you don't live in a place with a cellar, find a giant room where you can put things. A roof will also work. I mean, people will tell you that you need a space that is climate controlled, but they are uptight. Don't you want to be awesome? You do. So keep wine on your roof! In all weather! Sometimes hurl bottles down upon your enemies while cackling madly! You are a murderer now!

3.) Confuse Your Roommate. Sometimes I get mad at my roommate for living in the "extra room" in our apartment. Every day for past three years I have been putting one bottle of wine in her room. She's noticed there's wine in her room, and asked me about it, but I keep saying, "Girl you loco!" and rather than admit to her own insanity, she has remained nervously silent, and my quest towards become Brooklyn premiere sommelier soldiers onwards.

4.) Buy Some Wines. This is the fun part! You should buy some wine, all kinds, for your wine cellar. Try asking the clerk what sort of wine they like. If you are there kind of a lot they make recommend a giant bottle of Yellow Tail because they will confuse the perpetual ring of Merlot staining your lips and the crazed look in your eye for signs of a 20something lush. To persuade them you mean business, buy no fewer than eight bottles of wine at a time.

5.) Make it Dirty. Everybody knows that a real collection is covered in like at least eight inches (HA) of dust and grime. So go into your roommate's room and cover all of the "wine bottles" with dirt you found from outside. If you use cemetery dirty that is pretty cool also.

6.) Show Your Friends. If you got dirt from graves, bring all of your friends that you made at the cemetery over to your house to view your collection. People might want to drink some wine, so get Franzia and using a funnel transfer it to an old classy bottle to confuse and sate everyone.

7.) Shun Beer Drinkers. People will try to sway your loyalty and make you drink craft beers and listen to indie bands. Do not trust them! They have bears and bicycles and want to steal all of your wine! Lock your doors and blast Muddy Waters.

8.) Crash Events. Since you won't be hanging out with many of your friends for fear that they will steal your treasure, hire a security guard and then go crash various events like Wine and Cheese parties Sue from your office is hosting or, the wedding of the man who plundered your Maidenheads. Dress is neutral tones, avoid (most) of the finger food, and you'll be able to easily acquire at least one mostly full bottle of champagne for your cellar. Bargain!

9.) Talk The Talk. The most important thing about having a well-stocked and well-curated wine cellar, is making people know that you HAVE a well-stocked and well-curated wine cellar. So tell people. That guy on your train who picks at his skin? Tell him. That woman crying behind in line at the pharmacy? Tell her. A cellar full of wine won't keep your warm at night unless everyone knows about it.

10.) Promote Yourself. You could probably make a career out of this wine cellar thing. But in order to do, you've got to promote, promote, promote. I find the best way of doing this is by being drunk off of wine from your cellar and loudly announcing, "Man, this Pinot Noir from Becca's Wine Cellar HAS FUCKING ENDED MY BRAIN FUNCTION." Conversely, getting brass knuckles that imprint "You Got Crushed By Becca's Wine" also work.

10 Good Things About This week.

2012-01-27T11:53:00.000-05:00

1.) The Doctor Phil to my Oprah, Elmo The Cat With Four Ears, has really been cleaning up on Twitter. Most recently he was followed by Hostess Snacks and several porn-bots. You should follow suit: @meandelmo

2.) In other twitter news - a fictional character who I much admire responded to one of my tweets. My glee was maybe too embarrassing to admit to.

3.) I successfully made a sourdough mother! Subsequently I made a delicious loaf of whole grain sourdough bread with rosemary - BLOW ME PROFESSIONAL CHEFS.

4.) Learned that salt gets red wine out of basically anything.

5.) Fell asleep while eating chocolate chip cookies.

6.) Joined Pinterest, started too many boards but kind of love it.

7.) Watched Alcatraz, laughed at it a lot.

8.) Realized scale was broken and was entertained when informed I weigh 422 lbs.

9.) Pretended to be an expert on K-Pop for strategic career purposes.

10.) Mentally choreographed my dance routine to 'Sexy Bitch.'

10 Things I'm Pretty Sure My Cat Is Thinking When He Looks At Me

2012-01-26T10:47:00.000-05:00

1.) "Cruel, cruel mistress - arise e'en now at this early morning our and fill me with vital sustenance!" He gets dramatic about breakfast.

2.) "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He doesn't like it when I make loud and/or weird noises.

3.) "Women, always leaving me," He doesn't like it when I go to work.

4.) "This night I will posses your corpse." He sits on the table in the dark and I pass him on my way to the bathroom.

5.) "Vogue, Vogue, Vogue!" He likes to get on his back and roll around adorably as though he is the world's fugliest high fashion model.

6.) "Your face reminds me of my mom's." Puss in Boots ain't got nothing on this bitch when he tenderly paws your face while purring.

7.) "OMNOMICON!" This is his rallying crying when any sort of can is opened.

8.) "Bitch you gotta dust." Upon emerging from under my bed.

9.) "LOOKITWHATIDONEDID!" When he spazzes out and gets stuck inside a shirt I have left on the ground or gets like, a banana sticker stuck to his butt.

10.) "You're meanest person I know," When I am forced to give him a bath.

10 Thoughts I Just Had

2012-01-25T11:17:00.000-05:00

1. My breath smells like onions - why does everyone think that's bad? Onions are delicious. I'd make out with me.

2. I have the hair now I want when I was fourteen. Good for fourteen year old Becca, not good for twenty-eight year old Becca as it is no longer the 90s.

3. At my funeral I just want everyone to pour scotch on my grave and then drink red and wine and hook up with other mourners who knew me from places where I worked only briefly - like Pizza Pie-er.

4. Ha ha. I used to work at Pizza Pie-er.

5. I feel like maybe I could will myself into having lice if I wanted to.

6. Given that I don't really like 'people' or how they 'talk' and 'stand near me in elevators breathing' it's probably good that I am not dating.

7. I wonder if that guy is deaf or french.

8. I bet I could get my doctor to sign off on something saying I am disabled but then I'd probably start believing it and wind up one extendable grabbing claw short of total sloth and madness.

9. That guy's hair is exactly the same color as skin. I feel like this happens to all men - they go bald, or their hair becomes skin colored.

10. If I shaved off just one of my eyebrows I could paint one on in a permanent arch.

10 Ideas For Parody Twitter Accounts

2012-01-24T11:28:00.000-05:00

I love parody twitter accounts! I think the weirder they are the better. When I found out that Lady Sybil's biscuit jar from Downton Abby had a parody twitter account I had to take to my bed with sadness for not thinking of that first. Since I am currently looking for a new job that uses all of my skills I do not have the time to dedicate to eight hundred twitter parody accounts. So instead I will farm them out here for you to use maybe if you want.

This was inspired because @meanelmo has been tweeting basically all the time lately. That guy must be on uppers. You could follow him, but I can basically promise that he will verbally abuse you. Albeit fondly.

1.) Mama: This is an account where you would tweet like an overbearing mother. Someone tweets, "Soooo wasted," and @Mama would reply with "You should be ashamed of yourself."

2.) Some Bread: Because of how people who eat gluten are everywhere all tweeting their recipes for crackers and such other indignities, what @SomeBread would do is retweet gluten free recipes while prefacing them with a sigh.

3.) Eyore: From Winny the Pooh! Everyone favorite depressive can retweet helpful tips to combat "the blues" and also report on the latest medical trials and the side effects of different SSRIs!

4.) I Used To Date Prince: This account would be some aging lady from Florida who responded to every single tweet with "This reminds of an anecdote from the time in my life when I used to sleep with Prince." Her name is Cheryl and while she calls Boca home, she's originally from Omaha. She owns seven pairs of high waisted slacks and has one son who never calls.

5.) Nikki Sixx's Butt: This would be the account belonging to the butt of Motley Crue's Nikki Sixx. It would tweet things like "Eight years sober!" or "Still Flexin' After All These Years."

6.) Al Green's Fig Newtons: This account would be dedicated to a sleeve of Fig Newtons in the back of the cupboard of Al Green's summer house.

7.) Accordions: This would be an account that would take you to a link of someone playing the accordion not to well. One new link would be provided daily.

8.) The Amish: This account would never tweet.

9.) Seven Goats Stuck in a BMW: This would be some goat trapped in a car. They would tweet things like "This car can park itself! But I can't work the locks!" and "The seats are luxurious but I am panicked and can't breathe!" and also "BAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

10.) Your Ex-Boyfriend: This one is a lot like the mom one, except this one will also DM you late at night to see if you are feeling frisky and up for some hate-bangin'.

Photo: [mediabistro]

MIKE ROWE MONDAY

2012-01-23T08:56:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I like to look at photos of Mike Rowe and quietly sing Every Breath You Take while holding a small white votive candle.

A girl's got to get her creep on, ya feel me? You feel me.

HAPPY MIKE ROWE MONDAY!

Feel Good Friday: Rick James Edition

2012-01-20T08:31:00.000-05:00

Oh man, for a four day week this one has certainly left me feeling as though my bottom has been thoroughly violated. I'm exhausted, fools! I wanna take a bath in a tub of molten chocolate, and then I want to eat all of the chocolate until I start throwing up the chocolate, and then I want to pay some creep to eat the chocolate throw up, and then I want to put my face on a giant, tepid cheese pizza - so I can rest.

But instead I will drink this latte here and contemplate Rick James and get through my day the best I can, just like most of you.

RICK JAMES, DO YOU AND YOUR PATENT LEATHER THIGH HIGH BOOTS FEEL GOOD?

IT'S FEEL GOOD FRIDDDAAAAAAAAAY!

In Which An Old Man Calls Me A Ridiculous Bitch

2012-01-19T08:53:00.000-05:00

Today there was a dude on the train - a classy dude, who was roughly eight hundred years old. He and I wear wearing the same print pants and while this was dispiriting, I was pleased to note that my calves were by far the shapelier.

He got on the stop after I did, sat down, settled himself and then lifted up his bag to get route through it...resting it on my lap. Like, this isn't just a weird personal space issue, though I have those too, he put his entire bag on my lap as though I were a table. Which was uncool. So I said, being awesome, "Uh, excuse me?" and he said, "In a minute!" which is basically the least acceptable response second only to honking a stranger's boob. So I shoved his bag onto his lap, fuming, and he said, "ridiculous bitch..." and looked around for someone to sympathize with him and no one did, BECAUSE HE WAS CLEARLY A DICK. I sat there, the most smug I have been since, well, ever really. And then he took out his iPad, struggled to find the headphone jack, didn't manage to get his headphones all the way in and started blasting opera throughout the car.

Who knows though, maybe it was deliberate. He did in fact seem like the sort of bucket of tools who would think blasting Wagner at seven am in a public place was an act of kindness. But I really don't think he was aware. And I didn't tell him.

As a ridiculous bitch, that is my prerogative. Also I am dropping an album and it will be called Ridickulous Bitch and on the cover I will be standing in the produce aisle of my local grocery store looking concerned.

Photo: [1051bob.fm]

10 Ways To Drink Water

2012-01-18T10:14:00.000-05:00

If you drink enough water you will live forever. But this is challenging, because there are few things as awful as choking down aqua - it is terrible and encourages you to pee so much and I just don't have time for that much urination in my life. Here are ten ways to gag down the requisite ounces.

Drink Beer Instead: This is a good idea because beer also has vitamins in it, and carbohydrates, and is basically a meal. What I'm saying is that beer is like a multivitamin only better because sometimes it makes you punch people in fits of pique.
Become A Ventriloquist: Sure, the dolls are creepy as gonads, and you'll probably alienate a lot of people who used to love you, but in learning how to make your new wooden (and only) friend sing "When The Saints Come Marching In" while you sip some of the clear stuff, you'll be sure to remain nice and hydrated.
Anger the Mafia: This could go any number of ways, but I'm going to assume that in this case they go the traditional route of giving you a pair of cement shoes and tossing you off a pier. This option isn't ideal since you'll have to break out of the cement and also the water will probably be salty, but on the plus side - if you succeed I promise to call you Houdini forever, if you ever stop throwing up the ocean.
Get Waterboarded: What's torture to some is practicality to others! Betray your home country, develop a stalwart nature, and make sure you keep your secrets. Sure, you may die at the hand of the infidel, but hot damn if your pores don't look good in the meanwhile.
Challenge a Stranger: The subway is good for two things. Dance offs and challenging strangers to a water chugging contest. So the next time someone prances on your toe, whip on the Nalgene and throw down the gauntlet - let's get this party started, esse!
Remember Your Childhood: Your mother was an absentee figure and your father continually pronounced you'd never amount to anything. You don't want to prove him right do you? DO YOU? If it helps, murmur, "Fuck you dad," before chugging your glass in one.
The Cup Game: Take seven water bottles, fill with water. Take one water bottle and fill with vodka. Mix all of the bottle around in your backpack and drink all the bottles by the close of the day. There are only winners in this game.
Follow The Fads: You will see a lot of colorful syrups being advertised as means towards giving this flavorless swill we must all endure, flavor. These are clearly gimmicks and will probably start giving people cancer. Instead you can pour an inch of colorful sand in your water. To exfoliate your insides. Nothing say smug self-righteousness like glistening inner parts (sexually).
Eat Cakes: Sometimes I find bargaining with myself is the only sure way to get me to drink the water I am supposed to drink. A large piece of cake in exchange for a glass of water? A car? ALL OF THE DIAMONDS? It's the little things.
Involve Your Friends: What I like to do is sip on some water and then smirk at my cats being like "ha ha, you don't have lips and so when you drink you have to lap with your tongue - that is ridiculous." While the typically remain unresponsive, I like to think that this calling out hurts them very much indeed.

Photo: [Alttransit]

10 Different Room Fresheners

2012-01-17T09:39:00.000-05:00

Since I live in an apartment next to the highway and also it is full of cats, my place smells like pee, canned salmon, and car fumes. It's heaven. Sometimes I try to go all Febreeze on that shit but those commercials are false and I'm sorry no matter how much Air Effects you spray on a turd shot from an anus in the spirit of aggression it will never smell like caramel. Sometimes I buy those sticks that sit in oils and secrete fragrances like "Wind Blown Laundry On A Sandy Beach" but they are equally as bad and also, sticks. It got me thinking about different sorts of fragrances that should exist. Here are ten of them:

1.) Delta Delta Fresh: This sorority-house theme scent will be equal parts some-body-from-Victoria's-Secret-Body-spray, beer, and the cheapest ass skunk weed a person can buy. Feeling like you've got your shit together? Feeling too grown up to function? One spritz of this and your life will return to its former state of regrettable sexual partners and mix CDs.

2.) Little India: Sometimes when I am lonely I like to cook myself a big dinner typically comprised of various curry sauces that I will later eat cold for breakfast while shuddering thinking back on the previous night wasted contemplating my own mortality. To cure these blues, Little India keeps the smell of India invading your senses for days at a time. It's the aroma that lingers on your hair and clothes causing strangers you pass to stop and think 'Wow, she must be very popular to have gone to such a potent smelling restaurant!" It's a secret between you -- AND THE BOTTLE!" HA HA HA.

3.) Moonstruck Chic: As a fan of the eighties classic Moonstruck I can think of nothing better than an apartment that smells like Prosecco, bread baking, and possibly an undercooked steak. Unless a young Nicolas Cage were also there demanding that I get in his bed. That would be good too.

4.) That Green Stuff: Sometimes I contemplate the reality of actually sewing up the holes in my socks because buying new ones is not in the budget and then I sing what I like to call "My Poor Song," that basically goes "Poooor Becca, Poooor Becca, Little Princess Laaaaady". I realize now that this was perhaps not the best thing to share with you. Anyway, maybe if my apartment smelled like freshly printed dollah dollah bills I'd be less inclined to do so.

5.) 'Something's Burning': Has your life seemed to lose that sense of urgency? May I suggest 'Something's Burning' a Becca Home Fragrance. You'll be a lot less likely to sit and navel gaze when it smells like something in your apartment is secretly on fire. Trust. For five additional dollars we will add the popular compliment "It's A Chemical Kind Of Fire I Think".

6.) Deep In The Heart Of Texas: When city living's got you down, nothing beats the fine aroma of sun warmed tall grass, cow patties, and also cowboys. Just because you're partaking in the rat race doesn't mean your home can't become a virtual rodeo. Only hopefully with less cow testicles to eat.

7.) Pancake Shack: Pancakes are the best smell. Imagine if your house smelled like that! Oh my god everyone would want to be at your house. You would be very popular. Until they realized their were no actual pancakes at your house. Then you would be reviled as a deceiver and become very unpopular. But, pancakes!

8.) Russian Club Scene: Whoa betide the person who thinks you are perhaps 'uncool'. To dissuade them of this thought bring them to your Russian Club smelling home - the scent of Caviar, Dolce and Gabana knock off Cologne, Blood, Revolution, and the under-notes of trained bear will overwhelm the senses - and the hearts of all who visit you.

9.) Library Style: So you're not a reader. So your last boyfriend brought bed bugs and shame into your apartment. Don't worry! One spritz of Library Style and your place will smell smart! It will hella stank like ten kinda old tomes up in that bitch. Library Style.

10.) World Of Pure Imagination: This one is complicated because I send a truck full of men to your home to paint your walls with molten chocolate. It's awesome at first and you are just like Willy Wonka but then it dries and rots and there are bugs and rodents and your world of pure imagination because a world of pure horror. It's like doing mushrooms! This one is very expensive though.

Photo: [Liberty Merchandise]

In Which I Am Forced To Marry A Prince

2012-01-13T09:05:00.000-05:00

After bouts of insomnia, when I finally get back into a solid rhythm of sleeping through the night (#grownupbabyproblems) I tend to have these totally vivid dreams that are quite often more nerve-wrecking and realistic than my daily life.

Last night was prime example. I blame this dream entirely on my having watching an episode of Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (#hatersgonnahate) wherein Ms. Spelling was hosting a Royal Wedding (#theeventnotthefredastairemovie) viewing party. I love this show a great deal, Tori and Dean as people remind me a lot of two of my best friends. But just like said best friend, Tori tends to take on too much and get stressed out. (#shealsoownspetchickenswhichsaidfriendwouldneverdo.) The anxiety of this dream sauntered on into bed with me.

I dreamed it was the eve of the Royal Wedding, and it was also, the eve of a massive nuclear war, but also somehow it was just like WWI - at least, everyone was dressed like this was the case? (#Iblamedownton) For whatever reason, my family and the Windsors were very close and secretly my family was royal and in some way running America? (#thankgodwedonotrunamericanoreallyyoushouldthankhim.)

William and Kate were going to postpone their wedding, but Queen Victoria (who was still alive. I guess? If she was dead she was very well maintained.) said they had to get married to bolster moral which seemed reasonable.

But then! Kate Middleton declared that she had never loved William and she felt it was her duty to go to the front and fight for the United Kingdom, specifically, for Scotland. This entertained me. Still, the wedding had to go on! (Ha ha ha ha, oh dream-Becca, I like how you're all "this dream will have stakes, even if you have created a totally self-defeating plot.")

So it was only natural that everyone decided I should marry Prince William.

I know. But I was actually not excited about, and neither was he - since he was clearly in love with Kate and kept looking at me and curling his upper lip with distaste. I remember feeling sort of like 'Dude, at least be nice about it - I'm not squinting at your premature baldness, am I?'

Everyone kept being like "You have to do this....to save the world." and then I was all "I WILL. IT IS IN MY BLOOD TO HELP THE PEOPLE."

This is when it gets really good.

I was going to have to wear the dress that Kate left behind (for the record, my subconscious seemed unable to call up the actual dress and instead offered me this generic sleeveless thing) because there wasn't any time to find me a dress of my own. I kept reminding everyone that Kate and I were "built very differently," (#thatsonewayofputtingit) but we'd gotten to the "There's No Time!" part of the dream.

Prince Harry had to wait with me in Prince Phillip's secret hang-out room, which looked just like the Jungle Room at Graceland: in other words, awesome and with shag carpeting. I was sitting there with the dress sort of just draped on my front parts because it would not come near to closing and Harry was trying to make me feel better and was like "You have to understand, he's just really upset and doesn't want to do this at all, but maybe you two will grow to love each other?"

This speech made me super-mad because I felt like everyone thought I was in love with Prince William, when really I was just as upset as he was.....BECAUSE I WAS IN LOVE WITH A SIMPLE SHEPHERD.

The funniest part of the dream was the feeling of sitting there, in an ill-fitting dress, being seriously concerned that this dude thought I dug him when I didn't, but even more concerned about becoming the Queen of England.

You'd think with the countries at war I would've been all "How can I support the Prince and bring about peace in our time?" but instead I was honestly agonizing over the following, "The press is going to make so much fun of me because I am not that cute and also large, I will have to ban television in the palace and become a recluse for a while."

Ha ha, who's got a pretty serious martyr complex, some body image issues, and a crippling fear of emotional intimacy - NOT THIS GIRL.

#andthenIwokeup.

Photo: [WeddingByColor]

10 Words I Like

2012-01-12T12:59:00.000-05:00

Muffin: I am in full and staunch support of any word that describes not only a delicious variety of hand-sized cakes, but also serves as a base vernacular for both the genitals of a lady, and fat escaping the top of ill-fitting pants.
Chicken: Mel Brooks once said that chicken is the funniest word in the English language. I'm not sure I disagree. I love eating chicken, I love saying it as though I am one of the Nome King's rock minions in Return to Oz, hell, I love the word so much I named one of my cats Lil' Chicken because one, chicken is a hilarious word, and two, this cat looks strikingly like Lil' Kim.
Spatchcock: Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Okay, I've rallied. It's a cooking technique that comes from the phrase 'Dispatch the Cock'. this was also my nickname in college.
Sincerely: I like words for emphasis that can also take on the complete opposite of their own meaning. So I guess what I'm saying is that I dig irony. I like to say stuff like "Oh my god it's a toy dolphin! Dolphins are my fav, sincerely!"
Dude: I will get grief if I don't add dude to this list. I say dude all the time. I say it at work more than any other place because at my job all the dudes think that if you are a woman talking to them that you want to cup their front bottoms. To dissuade them of this illusion, I call them dude and slouch and pitch my voice real low. So I have probably just convinced everyone that I am a Peppermint Patty brand of lesbian, now that I think about it.
Beverage: I think it's great when people say beverage instead of drink. Because drink is not a noun and we need to stop making that happen. I also think it is groovy when beverage is used as a coded reference to alcoholic cocktails. I also feel that saying beverage is slow motion, your mouth makes the same shape it makes when you throw up a beverage and that is onomatopoeia. It's not, but it's like it, and that's enough for me.
Doughy: I am taking back doughy! I am tired of it being associated with ill health and ugliness! Dough is great! It's Bread: Part 1! It's full of life and potential! And when you're got the rising time right it springs back when you poke. DOUGH IS A METAPHOR FOR THE YOUNG ADULT NOVEL THAT IS MY LIFE.
Glacial: This is one is a true classic. I use it with some frequency to describe any number of things. Computer is slow today? It's moving at a glacial pace. Tourist in front of you? Glacial pace. Food in oven almost done? No, it's cooking at a glacial pace. I like it because it makes me think of Titanic and also reveals that I am incredibly impatient.
Fuckpants: This is the only obscenity which I utter under extreme duress that surprises me. Fuckpants? where did it come from? Why did my brain make it a thing to day? Do I need to buy such a pair of slacks?
Sandwich: It is almost with reverence that I offer up sandwich to this. Not only a funny sounding word, sandwiches also happen to be delicious. Show me someone who doesn't like a sandwich, and you are probably showing me my friend Alex. Whatever, that whore doesn't like pizza either - she is not normal.

Photo: [Forbes]

10 Different Personality Quirks

2012-01-11T10:19:00.000-05:00

So I've got this killer sinus infection (self-diagnosed) and because I spend most of my day in front of the Internet this led to me researching sinus infections. I learned nothing helpful ("to relieve pain, put a hot, wet, washcloth over your face every hour.") but I did discover that there have been cases where the pressure on your sinuses pushes your brain and subtly changes your personality. PRETTY TERRIFYING right? Here are ten different personality quirks that I could acquire if my sinus infection poisons my brain.

End All My Sentences With "...My Good Man." At first, this may seem like potentially the single most irritating personality trait of all time, but then think about it - you get mad, you're yelling, "Fuck you, my good man!" Suddenly the situation has been entirely diffused! Hearty laughter is indulged in! Heaven. Plus I also feel like this one would give me free license to fanny about town with a walking stick.
Wearing Hats All The Time. I can't even lie, the only thing that is keeping this from being an actual personality trait of mine e'en as I type these words is the massive size of my cranium. Many have been the trips I have gone on, questing for a sexy hat, many have been the tears I've shed over my freakishly large sized brain holder.
Deadly Ninja Skills. This is self-explanatory.
Grow Facial Hair On Command. ....this is rapidly turning into a list of superpowers. I AM OKAY WITH THAT.
Become A Close Talker: I think this is nothing funnier than a person who has no earthly conception that you want to forcibly shove them out of your proverbial dancing space. If I were a closer talker, I'd also want to be a paranoid closer talker. Like, I'd want to be gently resting my bosom on someone's elbow and be all "I'm sorry am I making you uncomfortable?"
Fondness For Tap Dancing, No Ability: Basically this is something I've already got, so I'll clarify - being compelled to tap dance - vigorously - at all times. Picture my grim determination to master a step ball change while nude and attempting seduction. You won't be disappointed.
Somehow I have Iggy Pop's Voice. Ha ha ha. This would make for a lot of fun prank phone calls and also I would own at karaoke.
I Would Take On The Personality Of Bill Pullman In The Dramatic Action Classic Independence Day: Life just got a whole more exciting for those who know me. Whereas I used to shamelessly promote my various scribblings on Facebook, my nearest and dearest will now be subjected to regular video updates from me as I seriously discuss the impending Alien Attack and quietly work to bolster morale.
I Would Lose The Ability To Blink: This would be pretty awkward, especially because I'd have to keep stopping all my activities to re moisten my eye balls. But I would overcome this and write a book about it called "Eyes Peeled: Life Is Short - Blink And You'll Miss It." I would be driving a corvette on the cover.
I Lack The Desire To Wear Clothes: I feel like a constantly naked version of myself would also be sort of a generally devil may care, badass, always trying to 'drop knowledge' on people. Like, I'd leave a deli, starkers, with a bagel, and some lady would be all "My word - you're naked!" and I'd be all "Yeah, and you're married to a man you don't love." and then I'm strut away.

Photo: [Gothamist]

10 Reasons To Eat A Tuna Fish Sandwich

2012-01-10T09:27:00.001-05:00

I used to like tuna fish, then I wasn't eight and disgusting anymore. I will grant you, there are some valid reasons to eat tuna fish. Here are ten of them.

1.) You Were Stood Up: I think it is a fine thing to wait at a bar for an hour and change and then return home, don your footie pajamas and make a tuna fish sandwich. You're making a statement by ingesting stinky fish and mayonnaise. And that statement is 'I have given up.'

2.) You Just Killed Your Own Mom: I feel like mentally challenged characters on Law and Order who accidentally kill their own moms are always found rocking in a fetal position and eating a tuna sandwich. Since Law and Order is the standard to which I hold all things, this is an acceptable time to consume said fish.

3.) You Are A Person Who Is Boring On The Phone: I was walking to a friend's house for dinner this past weekend, and as I trundled along in the cold I passed this Brooklyn-dwelling woman in her fifties who was on a comically out of date cellular phone. When she got close enough I could hear her talking: "First, I went to the yarn store, then I went to cheese shop, then I went home and I toasted two pieces of rye and put some tuna on the rye," and while part of me wanted to kill myself the rest of me was fascinated, because that's the sort of ish which fascinates me. I nodded as I walked and thought, "Exactly right that she is eating tuna, exactly right."

4.) You Are Having A Party And The Theme Is Kindergarten: This is a really good idea! The cocktail could be apple juice themed (but damn you to HELL if it's appletinis - WHY ARE THOSE EVEN A THING?) everyone could get blitzed and trace their hands on a paper tablecloth and then play duck duck goose! The tuna sammies would totally work in these circumstances.

5.) You Are Trying To Alienate Someone On A Plane Or Train: I love train travel. But the last time I was a plane I would up sitting beside a woman who had brought no socially acceptable means of self-entertainment and decided to talk to me. Which I mean I guess is fine? Except I wanted to read! And she had severe halitosis. Like, make your eyes water bad. Also her boyfriend's infant son had just tragically died. It was sad up on my train! At one point during our conversation I broke down and ate my dinner. If it had been stinkier it might have silenced her. A thought for next time.

6.) Zit Impressions: I like that thing where people fill their mouths with chewed up food and then squish their cheeks and go "I'm a zit!" I think this would be particularly gross if tuna were expelled. Now imagine that your zits are full of tuna. Now go throw up. Now put that throw up back in your mouth and pretend you are a zit again, but this time say that you are a corpse zit. That is pretty extreme.

7.) If You Hate Dolphins: I have it on good authority that unless you are paying top shelf prices for your canned fish or religiously braving the line at Trader Joe's, your tuna is mostly made up of dolphins - delicious, talking, dolphins. You're a monster. And I respect that.

8.) If You Are An Aspiring Comedian: I think that if you are a poverty stricken aspiring comedian that tuna might be the best way to go. Eat that shit up. Don't socialize with other comedians, just eat tuna and drink only campari. Then when you are established you can tell "back in the day" type jokes and keep saying the words "TUNA" and "CAMPARI". Those are objectively funny words.

9.) If You Are Catholic And It Is Lent: Okay, frankly I think that this is cheater's lent, but if you wanna eat tuna sandwiches on Fridays during lent I won't sucker punch you in the testicles. But you better not get sanctimonious or I will call baloney on you for eating a fish type product that doesn't even taste like fish and how basically that doesn't count and Jesus knows and he is sending you straight to hell. I get angry during lent sometimes.

10.) If You Want To Scare Me: I can't think really of anything scarier than me waking up in the middle of the night to pee and probably furtively eat cheese in front of the open fridge and then stumbling into you sitting at my kitchen table in the dark eating a tuna sandwich. Everything about that is terrifying and should you attempt this I will applaud you. Once I recover my senses.

Photo: [EatMyWords]

Oh Snap! It's Mike Rowe Monday! And Other Things!

2012-01-09T09:21:00.000-05:00

It's Monday guys, and we all need a little taste of America's most industrious former professional opera singer who once sold things on the Home Shopping Network:

There he is, you guys. Hiding in the underbrush. From me.

It's been a wild one over here at Beesus enterprises, as of late. I got really really sick and went and saw a Russian doctor named Boris (totally true! I will scan his card and upload it if you don't believe me.) who kept palpating my abdomen even though I was like 98% sure that my abdomen had nothing to do with my bad head cold and ear infection.

But I'm getting better, so long live Russia. Additionally, one of my articles for FemPop got picked up my Jezebel. It was just like how in Pretty in Pink Ducky shows up to the prom and you are all "awwww, see?" and then you turn the movie off because it's better remembering it that way than realizing that you live in a world where Andrew McCarthy can get with Molly Ringwald.

JUST LIKE THAT.

Anyway, if you're down, you can read the article here.

Colds Are Gross But Not As Gross As Cats

2012-01-05T12:06:00.000-05:00

As previously noted on Twitter (@beeswrite HIIIIINT) I woke up to something really nasty last night. This requires a bit of a preface: I have a cold.

I am, like most people on the planet, hilarious when I have cold. I tend to get kind of stupid and say things like "I'll file those cookies later," when I mean "I'll file those tax forms later," and then I realize what I've done and laugh inanely. Like a psycopath. Then I bump into something. Then I take a nap and wake up because something smells like pee and then realize it is my own mouth.

What I'm saying is when I have a cold I am like a drunk three year old. It's a pretty good time.

I also tend to put on all of my clothes. All of them. Like last night. I was wearing a giant pair of underpants (if they do not hit my under-boob they are not giant enough) with an equally mammoth pair of fleecy pants emblazoned with cows wearing sunglasses and the word DRAMA QUEEN. They are. The best. They make. Not even a little sense. I wore two pairs of socks that I perversely insisted must match, then a Bud Light Tee-shirt I won at a bar - I actually won two, but donned only one (and THAT my friends, is how you humble brag.) I topped it off with my favorite striped sweater - see that photo on my header? That's the sweater you guys. It's epic and shapeless and I have never loved an inanimate object more. I have to hide it from myself from time to time just to make sure I don't wear it into nothing and then have to have some sort of Viking like funeral for it's scraps on the East River (because I am saving that for Rumi's passing)

It was in this ensemble that I climbed into my bed and promptly passed out after taking no fewer than seven Tylenol Cold pills. And it was in this ensemble that I awoke, at about three thirty to find my cat - the aforementioned Rumi, would-be receipient of a Viking Funeral - gently licking the snot that had pooled upon my face from my flesh with his tongue. WHILE PURRING.

You can call me a cat person person all you want, but please know he was in short order banished from my bedroom while I dry heaved and cursed in a language I did not know I was familiar with.

Off Brand Lubricant Should Never Be An Impulse Buy

2012-01-04T09:06:00.000-05:00

I like to go to grocery store to kind of Zen out.

This is impossible to do in New York City because the grocery stores were designed by men with a fetish for people walking sideways, hoarding, and also rage.

There's a Target in Brooklyn that can evoke the calm I usually get from a middle-American style grocery store what with aisles so wide you could conceivably prance down them, but it's not the same exactly.

Because even at it's calmest Target was designed to evoke panic. If you doubt me, be hyper vigilant when you're checking out. Look at the items people have abandoned. It's never normal shit, like, an orange. It's bizarre, save-yourselves, bargain-hunting-for-the-apocalypse type shit, like a barrel of bleach or a panini maker.

No matter how calm the place seems, these items scream of the place's potential for madness "AHHHHHH SAVE YOURSELF AND ALL OF YOUR CLOTHING WITH THIS BLEACH AND THEN MAKE A DELICIOUS SANDWICH!"

This shit speaks to a volume of people that makes you think the only thing more necessary than the Tylenol you came in for is an industrial machine to grill sandwiches. I love how this shit falls to the wayside by the time people make it to the line to check out and their heart rates have begun to return to normal.

Like, your face gets all quietly embarrassed the longer you have to stand there waiting while holding a giant hamster ball designed for human babies, the more ashamed and reasonable you get, so that by the time it's your turn you've left it quietly resting on an In Touch weekly rack. Classic.

When you do see normal stuff, like say, that orange, it's always way, way, way out of context, sitting inside a tub of his and her lubricants. Because while there are wicked impulse-buys like candy are Target, it's more common to find an entire impulse row of gift cards for Little Caesar's or some Duracell hearing aid batteries. It's like, even if you have spent your whole time there fighting against the insanity of ladies bitch slapping each other to acquire Usher's cologne in bulk, all buyin' an orange instead in attempt to shop like Gwyneth Paltrow and also to keep scurvy at bay, Target will not let you be normal. Target is all "Ah, I see you by-passed our special on Lye and His and Hers Miley Cyrus shirts - Perhaps this discount lotion to stimulate your genitals?"

Nothing makes you want an orange less than generic lube. Nothing.

I say all of this as a person who has found herself desperately clutching a shopping basket filled with ibuprofen, some frozen fish sticks, and a kit to make a tee-shirt of your own face. Those things are only awesome if used altogether, and frankly, that is not a road I'm ready to scuttle down just yet.

Back But Entirely Unimproved In Nature

2012-01-03T08:40:00.000-05:00

I have returned fellow malingerers. My body is now comprised of roughly equal parts baked goods and scotch where there once were organs, fluids, and a soul, but I think for our purposes that suits just fine.

I tootled into the office this morning and prayed no one noticed that I am basically wearing cargo pants. I have also decided that cargo pants need me to work as their head of advertising. The motto I have written is this: Cargo Pants - Your Ass Looks Like Cottage Cheese and Regret But These Pants Have Several Pockets.

It is clear that a future in copy writing shall be mine. move over the fictional Don Draper, because there's a new genius in town and while she may not be as promiscuous she has an equally well defined jaw-line and love of hair product.

I look forward to haranguing you all with lists, photos, and whatever other nonsense glances across my skull. Yes, this blog is like the place where I go to quietly fart. I shall rename it, fart field, and thus it shall be good. FART FIELD FOR 2012.

Holiday Hookers!

2011-12-23T20:57:00.000-05:00

Hey dorks! So I am now officially on vacation - whaaaaat? I know, it's bananas.

If something amazing happens like I wake up clutching the still bloody and beating heart of a man, I shall report back - but otherwise I'll be out of commission until the new year.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS HOOKERS!

10 Different Things That Can Happen To Your Mail

2011-12-21T09:59:00.000-05:00

I've done 90% of my Christmas shopping online. It's been awesome, and also, the worst - because my mail likes to vanish from sight. At this point it would not surprise me if FedEx called and was all "Yeah, it muttered something about 'a curse from the ancients' turned invisible and then we heard the rushing sounds of something taking flight?"

Here are ten other things that can happen to the stuff you order through the mail.

1.) Explodes: This is pretty basic. You order something boring, like a jar of pickles. But then something happens and the jar explodes. Many lives are lost, and you have no pickles and a useless incriminating tracking number.

2.) Go Rogue: Though designed to act as a stylish throw for your aunt whose legs are always cold, somewhere between California and Connecticut, your package decides it was born to run, falls off a truck in Nevada, and enters the life of legalized prostitution. Rug prostitution.

3.) Start A Rebellion: Everything was going smoothly, and your package had one day of travel before arriving safely on the porch of your parents, but it can't endure the harsh treatment and rough language of its handlers and thus a rebel is born. It is discovered in the Adriatic sea a month later, adorned with the scalps of at least seven FedEx employees.

4.) Depression: It's the holidays and even inanimate objects get the blues. So when the self-heating mug you've ordered for the absentee father in your life doesn't show, don't take it personal - just know that more than anything it wishes it could be with you - only it can't quite seem to get out of bed. There are no pills a cup can take.

5.) Melts: You'd think something like a giant bulk order of chocolates would be fine as a gift at the end of December. But you'd be wrong. Your whole package has fused into one giant waxy mess and the FedEx guy took pity on you and kicked the greasy remains into a ditch. He did you a favor really.

6.) FedEx Hates You: Sure, you left a sign on your door explaining that you have a job and so won't be home when they ring the bell, but to go ahead and leave the package anyway. But you know what, FedEx doesn't care. Especially around the holidays. So what they will do is stick a "While You Were Out" notice on your door - right on top of your note. Then they will drive home, laughing all the way.

7.) No But Seriously FedEx Hates You: Ask for the package to be held at one location? Sure, we could do that - but why, when leaving it a place inaccessible except on foot and over an hour away is so much more fun - FOR US!

8.) Too Expensive: You ain't cheap, and neither is the clearly very expensive item you have purchased. That was pretty dumb of you. This package has been beset upon by brigands. Generosity seldom goes unpunished. You learn a valuable lesson about life and the nature of man and next year everyone gets a hug for Christmas. Just one.

9.) Rage: Your package has become the victim of rage! It's delicate edges and the amount of space it takes up make it an ideal candidate for random attack by a portly adolescent with no place to turn. Pity him, offer him a hug. If you are a lady, press your boobs on him - he will appreciate this, and ushering a boy into manhood - isn't that the greatest gift of all?

10.) Miscommunication: You live in New York, but FedEx thought that when you said New York you meant Bombay. Really it's no one's fault. Keep saying this as the vein in your forehead triples in size.

10 Activities To Do With Kids

2011-12-20T10:12:00.000-05:00

Sometimes during the holidays, you have to hang out with kids. It can awesome, because do random stuff like point at a wall and go "Elephant!" like your drunk friend Karen. It can also suck because sometimes they like to play games like "throw this one fork on the ground and laugh and make you pick it up and then keep doing that shit forever until we die."

If you are going to be spending time with some children and you are worried about becoming bored, here are some activities you can do with them.

1.) History Lesson: Tell the kids that you are going to the bathroom. Come back dressed up as a wacky professor character and tell them that the time has come to travel...BACK IN TIME! Then close your eyes and begin to convulse. Eventually stop convulse and let some pee out. The kids will probably flee and you will be able to nap.

2.) Play dough Food: Have all the kids use some flour salt and glue to make playdough in the kitchen. If they bitch about it not having colors, punch them all in the faces and then be like "DO YOU SEE COLORS NOW CHILD?"

3.) The Amazing Race: Put all the kids into someone's mom's old volvo and drive for about three hours. Tell the kids to get out, and then drive away. The child who survives and figures out how to get home is the winner.

4.) Lord of the Flies: Like the Amazing Race, but on an island and with fewer resources.

5.) Urn Building: Take them to visit the kiln of a well-known sculptor. Then, have them all make urns for their owns cremains while singing murder ballads. Mortality can be fun!

6.) Puke boxes: Let the kids gorge themselves with candy until they throw up and then use the throw up to decoupage jewelry boxes for their moms who will inevitably be unappreciative and start bellowing how 'you are the worst' and 'this is why your womb is cursed' etcetera etcetera and so forth.

7.) Coloring: Make photocopies of Our Bodies, Ourselves and various Playboys and then distribute them for coloring. If questions are asked, tell them to remember to ask mommy about that later.

8.) True Adventures From Literature: Have all of the kids brick the weakest child up inside of a closet while regaling them with a powerful reading of Poe's Cask of Amontillado.

9.) The Greatest Game: Give all the children guns and teach them basic assassin skills - then lose them on the partying parents - fun has a name - and it's patricide.

10.) The Great Sing Off: Pretend you are the host of a TV Talent Competition and make all of the children sing. Then brutally rip apart each and every performance. Everybody cries and the only winner is you.

You Are So Beautiful To Me: Mike Rowe Edition

2011-12-19T08:49:00.000-05:00

You guuuuys, it's the Last Mike Rowe Monday Before Vacation! It's true - I will be taking next Monday off, and programming hereabouts may well be spotty until the New Year, because a girl's gotta fill up her well sometimes. Not necessarily in a sexual way. Though in that way too.

Will you miss us, Mike Rowe?

I AM TAKING THAT AS A YES.

Oh man. I just. Everything about him. All of his parts. Just. Yes. Words. Challenging. I shall bathe in a mud bath with you Mr. Rowe. I shall paint in oils to commemorate our fictive experience. Can you feel the love tonight, Mike? I bet you can. That's not my foot - that's love.

HAPPY MIKE ROWE MONDAY HOOKERS!