Leaving Half of Me Behind

Changes!

2015-02-02T15:36:00.000-05:00

Chatting with a work colleague today made me realize I hadn't updated in forever. We're still working on the house (we'll be working on the house for years), but we've almost fully completed the bathroom reno, and right before Christmas I got a little renovation too, I went in for my fluer-de-lis abdominoplasty - hello flat tummy! So here's some shots of before, during, and after on the bathroom, and an after shot of me - size 8 jeans, baby!

So we took out a nasty old toilet, and the vanity, and realized that the flooring was rotted away under the toilet, there had been an ongoing leak for years. We had to tear up two layers of linoleum, and all the sub-flooring.

So that left this.

Yikes, that's my basement down there! So then we had to replace the subfloor, and try and level it up.

Not fully level, nor is the room fully square - it makes things interesting. We had to of course pick a difficult tile to lay down and grout. It's not perfect, you can see one grout line that's bigger than the others because of the "not square" situation.

But at least it's done and functional again. We need to replace the bottom row of wall tile (several were broken), and replace the bath/shower fixtures next.

Now my renovation - I had fleur-de-lis abdominplasty just before Christmas - it's basically a tummy tuck on steriods, they did from hip to hip, but also vertically from my sternum down to my groin, so they removed excess tissue from both directions, tightening horizontally and vertically. I go back for what should be my final check-in with the surgeon this afternoon, but here's a pic in my new jeans - size 8, baby! Haven't seen that since high school (2 sizes smaller than pre-op).

Next up is painting the bedrooms and doing some wall work in the stairwells, next work on me will be arms and chest in October or so, after we get the state trust fund money back from the oil tank deal. Yay!

Why Would Anybody Do That?!?!

2014-11-22T14:46:00.000-05:00

When we were inspecting the house, we did realize we probably had hardwood floors under at least the living room carpet, but we hoped under all the carpet on the main floor. We had no idea what shape they'd be in, or how long the carpet had been down. We assumed the addition upstairs had just plywood or some other subfloor under the carpet, so we actually bought enough laminate and padding to do my office up there. Then we also had Home Depot come measure thinking we might want to have them install it in the sitting room upstairs and also in the den/living room addition downstairs.

Home Depot guy gets upstairs and pulls a bit of carpet back (with our permission) and says, "Um, do you know there's hardwood under here?" Oh, really?! So he measures downstairs in the den, and goes on his way.

Well, yesterday we went over to rip all the carpet up and see what we really had, and also had a representative from Mr. Sandless come out and measure and give us a quote on refinishing them.

For the love of all things holy, why on Earth would people put cheap-ass carpet over beautiful hardwood?! The upstairs is a gorgeous knotty pine

Downstairs is all oak

This is what we pulled out of the house (1,017 square feet according to the finisher)

Today I went back over and pulled up all the tack strips and padding staples upstairs, and all the nails in the stairwell. That's rough work! I'll have to attack downstairs tomorrow or Monday evening. Michael's job on his day off on Tuesday is getting the toilet out of the main bathroom and ripping up the rest of the flooring in there so we can put down the tile we picked out.

Personal Discoveries

2014-11-18T16:08:00.003-05:00

In the week before closing we had come over to the house to check on the paint fix that was required, and we met our left-side neighbors. They told us some details about the property that we didn't know. An elderly couple did live here, but he passed in 2006. She continued to live here until about 2008 when it just got to be too much, and she moved into an assisted living facility. After that, members of their church and their children would come mow the lawn and do basic maintenance, but the house was pretty much unoccupied since 2008.

Eventually it was sold to the investor that bought it earlier this year, and now to us. That explains quite a lot of things, but not some. You'd think after all that time they'd have cleared out all the personal belongings, or at least the investor would have, but no one did. There's clothing in the basement, various papers and receipts in the workshop, kitchen utensils in the drawers, it's crazy. We did write the offer for the house that any property on site as of that date would convey - there were some things we wanted, like a 50s Hot Point range in the basement, but it also came with a lot of just junk.

I cleaned out the main bathroom today, because we're going to rip out the vanity and toilet and replace them. There was a cabinet full of things, and even more under the sink.

Some are sad - like this cup of old fashioned hair curlers

The clearly very old, but broken hand-mirror

and the porcelain something - I'm not sure it's complete or exactly what it is.

It's odd for me to be cleaning up the remnants of the former owners life, but I am.

There's a Muppet on my Staircase!

2014-11-18T15:31:00.002-05:00

One of the most hilariously late 60s/70s things we encountered in the house was the carpeting on the stairs, both going to the half story upstairs, and down into the basement.

It's gold, and green, and brown, and beige, and about 2 inches long shag carpet. It's just...special.

God only knows what's living or growing in that. Honestly, I assumed it would just be basic stairs, nothing fancy or finished, since that's what the basement stairs looked like (this is a photo of the stairs going up top).

Well, last night we ripped off the carpet going upstairs, resulting in this dead muppet pile. (Ignore the bright green muppet looking thing, that's one of Jack's dog toys.

But what we found underneath was this:

Holy crap! Why would someone DO that?!?!

We need to pull up the staples and nails, and little tufts of remaining carpet, but all these are going to need is a light sanding and a good clear varnish on top (along with painting the risers along with the walls, it's closed in on both sides).

We know there's real hardwoods under the carpet in the original house, that's coming up next.

The perfect house

2014-11-18T15:19:00.002-05:00

It was in an "edge" neighborhood of Winston-Salem, just above a moderately sketchy area (where the bomb shelter that we rented for me the first year I was in NC was located), and starting to move out towards the city limits where lots got bigger and houses were nicer. It was a HUD home, meaning it had been foreclosed on and the government now owned it.It was also (allegedly) eligible for a special type of FHA loan that allowed purchase and renovation funds to be borrowed together with just 3.5% down. Well, on a very modestly priced property even with $25-$30K in renovation funds that was something I could probably swing - and this property just spoke to me, even more so after we did a drive by.

I started things backwards, in looking for a lender that did that type of loan. Quicken Loans advertised that they did FHA loans so I contacted them, but soon found out they didn't do the special programs. They did, however, pre-approve me for a reasonable loan amount if we wanted to go that route. Tucking that in the back of my mind, I found a local lender that did do the special programs, and asked her for a referral to a real estate agent where I was introduced to Karen Lawson at RE/MAX. We set up an appointment to view that home, and I also found two others in the area that were well within our pre-approved amount from Quicken, and we went and took a look.

I did fall in love with the HUD house, it had amazing hardwood floors on a split-level plan, the yard was already fenced in, but it did have it's issues - it was missing copper piping, and would need some renovation work.

We looked at a second home which we ruled out in about the first five minutes. The front yard was a big hill, so very unusable and would be very hard to mow it was so steep. There was some sort of infrared light/camera setup in the front window looking down the driveway to the street that in all seriousness looked like a sniper's perch. The back sunroom was almost certainly not permitted, which would cause all kinds of loan complications.

So we moved on to house number three. This one Michael said no to at first based on the listing photograph, because it's an older brick home with an addition off the side that was done in what looked like stark white vinyl siding.

As the loan broker said, "What's with the double wide off the side of it?" But, it was sitting on 3.3 acres of land, so he was willing to go look, and I'm glad we did. The main house is a gorgeous 1949 brick bungalow, originally 2 bedroom 1 bath with a basement. At some point in the late 70s or 80s someone added on a "den" or "family room" and a 2-car garage, which is what looked like the ugly addition. They also bumped upstairs to a half story, adding a "head and shoulders" space that has one bedroom, and what they can loosely claim as a second bedroom by virtue of the space having a closet, and a door at the bottom of the staircase. It's really a sitting area.

We fell in love. The kitchen is done in 70s-tastic avocado appliances, laminate counter tops and backsplash, and dark wood cabinets. It reminds Michael of his childhood home. There's a fireplace, the rounded front door has character, there's all sorts of treasures in the basement and large out-building workshop, plus it's on LAND. About 1.3 acres of it is clear, with very large mature trees, and the rest is wooded, running all the way down to a creek.

We knew that night we had to have it. We couldn't find out a whole lot about previous owners, only that it had belonged to an estate, who sold it to an "investor" very cheaply, possibly as a short sale. That investor had done nothing to improve the property, if he styles himself as a flipper, he wasn't doing it on this one, but he was asking about 175% of his purchase price. We put in an offer contingent on loan approval and inspections, a must on something this old, and dove right in. He met us halfway on the offer, so we went ahead and ordered up all the inspections.

To me, as a real estate newbie, this is where it got scary. I was spending not insignificant amounts of money to just decide if I wanted to buy the place or not. $595 for the inspection, $225 for the septic inspection, $40 for a guy to come check the well, $80 for well water testing, it all adds up to real money. The inspection found some issues, which didn't surprise us, but nothing that we felt we couldn't overcome after move-in, nothing was critical in his opinion to be necessary before that.

We did also order up an inspection of the underground heating oil tank. For one, they don't do that anymore, tanks are above ground or in the basement. We needed to know if it was functional, because someone had also installed electric baseboard heaters, which are just money guzzlers.

The environmental specialist came out and checked the contents of the tank - said we had 5 inches of oil and no water, which was good, but he found petroleum in the soil starting at about 7 feet underground, or about 2 feet below the tank. Given that there was no water in the tank, it's likely there's a pinhole leak in there somewhere, we just don't know how long it's been leaking, and how far spread the contamination is. Quote to dig up the tank and dig out 56 tons of earth to clean it up? $13K - ACK! The state of North Carolina does have a ground fuel storage tank trust fund, so about $9.500 of that would be reimbursable to whomever paid for the cleanup - something we wanted the seller to handle. He's an investor, he can carry the float on that, since the trust fund is taking about 8 months to turn claims around these days.

The septic guy opened it up, took one look at the old octagonal tank and said it needed to be replaced. $2,000 and a runaround on a permit from the county for $170.

The well thankfully was operational, and the water samples came back clean, so no leaching down to the water table from the oil tank at least.

Oh, and the furnace needed about $500 worth of work to clean out one of the pipes to the flue, and replace the limiter which wasn't doing it's job.

This is all adding up to real cash money. So we asked for the seller to fix it all, knowing that rare would be the case that you'd get that. He offered $2500 at closing for repairs, which made me laugh out loud, and so we countered with having him take care of the environmental issue and replace the oil tank with a new above ground tank. We would handle the septic and furnace. He's the "investor" he can float it. He balked and hemmed and hawed, and seriously dude.

We finally agreed to go back up in purchase price and he paid for the septic/furnace at close, we get to float the environmental. I'm annoyed, but I had access to funds to do it, and we will get all but about $3500 of it back by the end of summer, so whatever, the cash outlays plus what we paid are still well under what this house's potential value is.

We finally got it all arranged, after a last minute instance by the FHA to have external paint surfaces scraped and repainted, and we closed on Friday, November 14. It's mine! Mine! all mine!

Now, to clean it out and fix it up.

Post Sleep-Study and New Dog!

2014-10-26T11:00:00.001-04:00

I've been so lazy about posting here, my two or three regular readers must be so disappointed in me :)

The sleep study wasn't bad, they let me take my usual sleep cocktail of drugs, but I looked like something out of a horror show all hooked up.

But,the good news is no apnea. Apparently I do have restless legs, but nobody wants to do anything about it for now.

We got a dog - Michael and I are not allowed to go to Petsmart together anymore. He's awesome. Meet Jack the American Staffordshire mix, who's about 8 months old now, and 65 pounds. He's my exercise buddy, my favorite route is about 3.5 miles long, and we do it after work. Other exciting things coming, but that's another post!

Sleep Studies

2014-08-02T18:48:00.002-04:00

As part of getting myself back together after coming off all of the IVF hormones, my doc wants me to go have a sleep study. Ugh. I know my sleep is screwed up, if I am not medicated I'll get to sleep OK, but wake up anywhere from 6 to 12 or more times a night, often feeling the need to get up and go pee. Sometimes I'll stay awake for 20-30 minutes after doing so. When Michael's alarm goes off at 4 or 5 am, I can't get back to sleep until he's actually left the house. This, of course, is generally not normal. With some whopping medication, I can sleep through the night with maybe just one wake-up, usually when his alarm goes off. For good or bad, I'm often sleepy enough still that I often forget about conversations we have as he's kissing me goodbye for the day. I love my sleep drugs, pry them from my hands while I kick and scream.

But, they want to figure out why I'm having trouble sleeping, in case the root cause is something other than the depression and anxiety that I've struggled with since the nightmare. I got scheduled for Friday night, August 15. Allegedly, unless the doctor sends orders not to, I'll be able to take my sleep meds while I'm there. Thankfully, since getting up to pee a dozen times while wired up for a sleep study would basically be impossible, or require a bedpan.

I've been asked about sleep apnea several times. I used to snore like a freight train, and when I was heavy I probably had some form of it, but M says that I rarely snore any more, only when I'm both congested and lying on my back, which I think just about anyone would snore under those conditions.

I honestly don't know what I hope the outcome is. I'd like to be able to sleep like a normal person without drugs? But honestly I've forgotten what that's like. We'll see if this illuminates anything.

To Retail and Other Service Industry Employers on Mother’s Day

2014-05-05T15:09:00.004-04:00

First let me make a few things very clear. I don’t hate Mother’s Day, nor do I hate mothers. I’m not unemotional, unpatriotic, or lacking in empathy or compassion. I’m not looking to rain on anyone’s parade, or trying harsh your mellow. I’m not working up to a feminist (or anti-feminist) screed. I bear no ill will toward anyone with progeny, and I don’t hate babies or children. None of that. Adoption is a viable option for many people but that’s not what this discussion is about. Are we good? OK.

Employers, please, for the love of all that is civilized, do not require or even strongly suggest to your employees that they should express a greeting of “Happy Mother’s Day!” to every female patron past puberty.

I get that pleasantries are an accepted part of transactional relationships. Have a nice day, thanks for shopping with us, please come again, these are warm, time-honored snippets of conversation. Where we start running into trouble is when we impose assumptions on the private lives of customers and patrons. I’m certainly not going to touch the “Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas” fracas with a 10-foot pole. While it arguably may be a similar debate, faith and religious beliefs is not where I’m going with this.

Where I’m going instead, is the assumption that is made when a “Happy Mother’s Day!” greeting is made indiscriminately to any post-pubescent female. Logically we all know that not every woman is a mother. Some may not be by choice. Some may not be by happenstance – that is they’d like to be a mother someday, but just haven’t had the opportunity yet. There may be a few militants in the child-free-by-choice camp that get offended at the suggestion that they’d have any urge to breed, but even that’s not my point.

Beyond those who aren’t mothers by choice or happenstance, are those that used to be mothers, have tried to be mothers, or simply can’t be mothers. Women in these categories all deal with that status in different ways, dependent in part on how recently they found themselves in that status, and how they’ve dealt with processing it and the grief that comes along with it.

A woman of almost any age could have recently lost their child due to illness or accident. A woman may be in the middle of a long, on-going, and costly attempt at getting pregnant. A woman may have come to the end of that journey of trying to conceive without success.

Many of these women work hard at graciously smiling and saying, “Thank you,” to the throw-away “Happy Mother’s Day!” Many times they will succeed outwardly, but inwardly those words have just driven a spike through their heart. Yet another reminder of their loss imposed on them during a transaction that should have nothing to do with motherhood.

But for some women, the pain may be so fresh or still so close to the surface, that the chirpy greeting will cause them to dissolve in a puddle right before your employee’s eyes, bringing tears instead of a smile, then mortification as she realizes she hasn’t been able to contain her reaction.

The thing is, we don’t know. For all anyone knows, your female customer could have buried her son last week, or had a miscarriage yesterday. She just wants to pay for her groceries, buy that pair of jeans, or pay her restaurant tab without being reminded yet again that she doesn’t have that status that she used to have, was about to have, or desperately wants.

Too often we think of motherhood as something that all adult women will want to experience in their lifetimes, and that blanket greetings like this do no harm. The good wishes, if not directly applicable, should just be accepted with aplomb. The speaker didn’t know of your private pain, and the greeting makes other people happy, so why shouldn’t it be given?

We engage in these conversations as a matter of social form. The content of the exchange is intended as pleasantries and good will, not as an evaluation and adoration of someone’s reproductive history.

So unless your customer has a small child with her that’s tugging at their hand and repeating, “Mama!” endlessly, please don’t assume that she’s a mother. Don’t put her in the awkward position of either feeling the need to disclaim motherhood status or to hide a painful emotional reaction that may come.

My birthday falls on Mother's Day this year. I used to resent it as a child, having to share "my day" with my mother. This year, having just closed the final chapter on our attempts to have a family, for me to be a mother, I resent that the calendar lined up that way this time. I'd like to be able to go out to dinner with my husband on my birthday and not have everyone assume we're celebrating Mother's Day. So instead, I'll probably be a hermit for the day, though with all the hoopla going on already, it may be more like a hermit week this week.

I know this is my issue to deal with, but I do not believe I am alone in this sentiment that the indiscriminate greeting doing harm, even if it's a relatively rare event, is worse than sticking with your every day neutral greeting on Mother's Day and the time leading up to it.

There’s nothing wrong with “Have a nice day!” Truly.

Answers That Come in the Form of Questions

2014-04-30T19:07:00.004-04:00

When you think about getting answers to something, we almost always think in terms of facts. How tall am I? I’m 5’1.5” (that half inch is very important). When is my birthday? May 11. We ask a question, and there’s a definitive statement that answers the question. Certainly there are philosophical questions that can be debated, or for which we may never fully understand – what is the meaning of life? Why am I here? But for most questions, we believe there are answers to be found. Are we alone in the universe? We don’t know right now, but the odds of that are astronomically small given the size and complexity of our universe. Scientists struggle with questions every day. Indeed, many people form careers around asking questions and then searching for the answers, sometimes to succeed, sometimes to fail, sometimes to discover things they didn’t even know they were looking for.

But when we ask questions of our medical professionals, we don’t generally expect to hear, “I don’t know,” in response to those questions. It’s not that the professional in question is incompetent, ignorant, or behind the times. It’s just that despite our amazing leaps in technology and medical science in the last century, there is simply so much that we don’t yet know about how bodies work. Medical researchers are some of those scientists that can spend entire careers seeking the answer to questions that have yet to be answered.

Yesterday I had the difficult conversation with my reproductive endocrinologist about why all three of our IVF attempts failed. The short answer is, he doesn’t know. That’s horribly unsatisfying, and tends to leave me feeling very powerless, but it’s the only concrete answer that we have at this point. We just don’t know.

Certainly there’s a hypothesis or two. The apparent problem is that my uterine lining was just never able to grow robust and rich enough to support implantation of the embryos. So that’s sort of an answer, but it’s also a question. Why? What’s wrong with my lining? We don’t know. Current practice has the doctor measuring lining thickness via ultrasound, examining blood flow on ultrasound, and measuring hormone levels in the bloodstream. They can, and we did, biopsy the lining to inspect it microscopically to look at the progesterone action and apparent health of that tissue. But what makes a lining sufficient or competent to support implantation? We don’t know. It’s being studied, there are some additional tests of questionable predictive value that can be performed, but still we don’t know.

So we have established that the proximate cause seems to be an insufficient quality of the uterine lining. But why is my body that way? I had some chronic inflammation of the lining that we addressed with multiple rounds of antibiotics late last summer and fall. Could that have existed for years and damaged it? We don’t know. Last summer during my hysteroscopy he found a minor sub-septate formation in the uterus which he repaired. Was that an indication of other poor uterine characteristics? We don’t know. My uterus has been described as somewhat small, is that a contributing factor? We don’t know. Did all of these factors combine and lead to failure? We don’t know. Have I, seemingly ironically, concerned myself with birth control over several decades and never really needed it? We don’t know.

We don’t know. Probably one of the most unsatisfying sentences in the English language.

My doctor seemed genuinely distraught that we were unsuccessful. I feel very fortunate to have been his patient. He took a very personalized and dedicated approach to my case. He did extra research, consulted with peers, and made every effort to bring about the best circumstances that he could – but we only had 5 embryos that were used in 3 transfers – and we simply “ran out.” His compassion and efforts went so far beyond what most reproductive clinics would have done. That we were unsuccessful would not prevent me in any way from recommending him to anyone that needs reproductive assistance. I truly believe he’s one of the best in the country (Dr. Tamer Yalcinkaya – Wake Forest Baptist Health Center for Reproductive Medicine).

So - what I do know, is that any further attempts to have children would be unaffordably expensive. We could continue to spend money on donor eggs, try to hyper-dose me with hormones to build my lining further with each subsequent cycle. I’m not sure my mental health would survive that – hormone levels that are 10 and 20 times higher than normal are not a pleasant experience. The Man has said it would probably drive him to drink, and that’s a big statement from him (he doesn’t, in deference to his epilepsy). We could spend even more money, obtain donor eggs and then use a gestational surrogate. We were actually introduced to one several years ago locally but a mutual professional acquaintance. Even going into a direct agreement with her (rather than going through a surrogate agency) would run the entire process upwards of $75,000. While taking a viable embryo and implanting it into a “proven uterus” such as hers would have a high probability of success, that’s money to which we just don’t have access. Going through an agency would probably add another $25,000 on top of that. Even if we could finance such an endeavor, I already owe a mortgage-worthy amount of money on my student loans from my MBA. The budget really couldn’t take it short of a Lotto win.

For many reasons adoption is off the table for us. We were foster parents on the road to adoption several years ago, I’ve mentioned that in the past, and it’s not a road we will travel again. Private adoption suffers the same barriers that surrogacy does in costs – though probably “only” half of what we’d spend on a surrogate. No – that door is firmly closed as well.

At the end of our conference yesterday we told him that we were done. It was a truth that I knew as soon as we got the final negative test result almost a month ago, but saying it out loud to him gave such a finality to the situation.

I did take in the remains of my unopened medicines and supplies. Needles, estrogen patches, progesterone oil. These items are expensive without good pharmacy and infertility insurance coverage. I asked him to please give them to a patient with crappy or no coverage, and he assured me they would be put to good use.

Ending our relationship with him, for the second time given we tried for over a year with other techniques back in 2007, is difficult. It is a chapter in our lives that has come to an end.

Now we must move forward, figuring out how our lives will play out without children. I told the Man that I’d probably drag him around the world more than we would have been able to, and he didn’t object too much, insisting only on having a decent net connection for at least some of the destinations. (Addict!)

My grief has been a rocky road. I’m back with the therapist I worked with after the nightmare, she’s pretty amazing, but it will take time. Time and some pharmaceuticals I wasn’t allowed while we were trying, so there’s at least that. I have no shame in utilizing such tools, particularly as some of my issues involve anxiety and tendencies that are likely to have been genetically passed on to me.

This time I’m not feeding my grief, I can’t in many ways, but the lack of desire to eat myself into a coma is a good thing. I seem to be channeling much of it into exercise, which is good. The hormones gave me some bloat, and the inactivity associated with some of the procedures I’ve been through led to about a 10 pound gain that I need to work off.

I still catch myself thinking about things related to parenting. I might roll my eyes at a choice of names I hear someone has made, I passed a church-based school the other day and thought about how much tuition might be. Little thoughts that I have to remind myself don’t apply to us anymore.

Mother’s Day is approaching, this year it’s on my birthday. I always hated “sharing” that day as a child, but this year I do feel rather cheated that we won’t be able to go out and celebrate my day without it being assumed we’re celebrating Mother’s Day. Honestly, our favorite restaurants would be packed and it wouldn’t be a great experience, but I do resent it, rationally or not. Our 6^th wedding anniversary is the following week, May 17, so I’ve suggested that we combine the celebration this year. Something quiet, inevitably. Dinner, a movie in bed, a snuggle if we don’t end up with all the cats piled on top of us.

I still can’t fully imagine what life will be like going forward. I’m thankful I’m not near as much of a zombie as I was during the nightmare, but one of the “mantras” that got me through then does apply still now. One breath, one minute, one hour, one day, one week at a time. Dealing with grief can be as much about survival as anything else. One moment is all I have to think about and get through. There will be another right after it, but I don’t have to think that far out if I can’t. Just now. Just today.

Sometimes answers come in the form of questions. I hope that someday the questions that would help someone like me will be answered. I will be grateful to the scientists who will make that possible.

The Things We Do

2014-01-18T16:01:00.001-05:00

I sit here tired...no, not tired. Tired doesn't even begin to describe it. Exhausted. Bone-tired exhausted. I sleep every night. Sort of. I can get to sleep - a little quicker with a modest snifter of cognac, but I can't stay asleep. I wake up. Not just a slightly dreamy roll-over, full-on awake. Not just once, but three, four, five, six, sometimes even ten times a night. Every 45-60 minutes, I'm wide awake. I have to pee, my butt muscles are screaming at me to change positions, my shoulder is crying from the pressure of sleeping on it when it's still not healed.

This morning we went to the reproductive endocrinologist again for another endometrial biopsy. This is the fourth? fifth? Honestly at this point I've lost count. I had one after the first failure, then I had several more trying to confirm that we'd gotten rid of a chronic inflammatory condition discovered after the first one, and then looking at whether the new drug protocol was working right in several trial cycles.

We did another two-embryo frozen embryo transfer IVF in early December and got the negative test on the 12th. We thought we'd cleared all the issues that we'd had going on during the fresh round and the cycles leading up to this.

The only thing I didn't know about the time, was that the doc wasn't entirely happy with what they saw on the last endometrial biopsy. Progesterone that occurs naturally or in our case, added through drugs, has several effects on the endometrial lining that make it an attractive place for an embryo to embed and begin growing. Apparently mine didn't look as happy and inviting as it should have last time - though all other signs were good, so he chose to proceed with the transfer.

I trust my doctor, so I don't know that I'd have made a different decision than that if I'd known, and honestly it's pointless to debate the idea.

We have one frozen embryo left. One last chance to get this done - or we're out. I don't have another $28-$30,000 to do another donor round short of winning the lottery, we've tapped all the resources we have access to at this point.

So this time around, we have to get things as perfect as we possibly can. So I've spent a full cycle on all the drugs, plus added Crinone - progesterone suppository gel, so nearly double the progesterone most IVF patients get during a cycle. Usually it's just intramuscular shots of progesterone oil, which is just a joy ride in and of itself. 1.5 inch 22 gauge needles in alternating butt cheeks at 4 or 5 in the morning, depending on when the Man has to be at work each day. I'm bruised and feel like I've been beaten repeatedly with a 2x4 across the ass every day.

I'm already on double the amount of trans-dermal estrogen with the patches (I wear two rather than one) - and instead of twice daily oral estradiol, I take it vaginally to help with absorption because apparently with my rearranged gut I wasn't getting enough of it through my digestive tract. Where a normal estrogen blood level for a pre-menopausal woman is 20-375, my levels have been running at 1400-2100 depending on how far we are into the cycle. The blood progesterone level isn't so much in question now although it's likely to be huge, but we're looking at the evidence in the lining from the biopsy today.

The sleep issues are, at least in good part, attributed to those massive hormone doses, and unfortunately sleeping pills are not an option during all of this. I spent quite a bit of time after the Nightmare sleeping with the assistance of Ambien, and dear God do I miss it. I'd trade 9 hours of my alleged sleep for 5 uninterrupted hours of Ambien-fueled sleep any day.

So today I took another 3 inch needle internally for the local anesthetic before the biopsy - I'm thankful I don't have to see this part of it - knowing how long the ass needles are is bad enough. If the anesthetic really is reducing the pain, I'm not sure I'd want to know how much it really hurts, because honestly even with it, it hurts like a motherfucker. Hurt like a motherfucker squared is not really something I care to do.

So we wait now for the pathologist to take a look. The senior pathologist - since he and the doc reviewed my sample together last time. Doc is anticipating this will come in by Wednesday. Thankfully, I've been relieved of having to do the IM shots for the next few days, and I can give up the vaginal estradiol as well until the results come on. Should the sample be sufficient, we'll stop all the other drugs, let me have a period, and start it all up all over again. If the results are as desired, we'll do about 2 weeks on the two estrogens, another round of ultrasounds and blood work to check things out, and then both forms of progesterone again leading up to the final transfer. If the results aren't as desired, he'll have to figure out another way to improve the progesterone action - which will mean another full test cycle.

In deference to my bruised ass, he did offer me a rest cycle, but there is something to be said for back to back medicated cycles that can encourage my body to get with the program and make a nice comfy nest for embryos. So despite the bruising and pain, I chose to have him go forward with whatever will become of the next cycle - another test or the real transfer.

I question my sanity in continuing this regularly - but I'd never stop questioning whether we could have success if we didn't see it all the way to the end.

I know success will ultimately lead to far more sleeplessness - pregnancy impacts it, having a newborn of course does, I just - I don't know. It's hard to consider it "worth it" right now - instead it's a barely tolerable side effect.

The things we do...

What's For Dinner? Beef, Vegetable, and Barley Soup

2013-11-16T12:28:00.001-05:00

It was really cold this week, at least for North Carolina, and my urge for soup was really strong. It's difficult at times to get a sufficient amount of protein into a meal if soup is the main course, and this recipe is no different. You have a few options - adjust your eating throughout the day so that this meal can handle having only about half the normal amount of protein in a meal, or add extra meat to the soup. If you do that, remember the nutritional information will change in all respects, not just in the protein count.

Don't skip the fresh herbs, it really makes the flavor.

This recipe makes a ton of soup when you're eating it in just 1 cup servings, but it freezes well. I use 2-cup storage bowls and pop them in the freezer, that way I'll either have a meal for both of us, or two lunch servings for myself.

Beef, Vegetable, and Barley Soup

1 small turnip, peeled and diced (about 1 cup)
1 medium onion, diced (about 1.5 to 2 cups)
4 or 5 medium carrots, peeled and diced (2 cups)
2 stalks celery - outermost fibers peeled off, then diced (1 cup)
2-3 small red potatoes, diced (1 to 1.5 cups)
1 cup petite peas, frozen
3 tbsp butter
1 cup pearled barley
12 cups low sodium beef broth
4 cups low sodium vegetable broth (or homemade)
12 oz beef tenderloin cut into small cubes
1.5 tbsp minced fresh thyme
1.5 tbsp minced fresh oregano
kosher salt
pepper

Melt butter in large pot. Add all vegetables, along with a healthy teaspoon of kosher salt and a few twists of freshly cracked black pepper. Saute for about 10-15 minutes until they soften and onions begin to turn translucent. Add broth, bring to a boil. Reduce to a firm simmer and cook for 20 minutes. Add barley, and herbs, stirring well. Cook for 30-35 minutes until barley is softened. It will absorb quite a bit of liquid, so what may have looked like a very brothy soup will be thicker at this point. Add the beef, simmer another 10 minutes for beef to cook through.

Nutritional information: Makes approximately 12 1-cup servings. 204 calories, 6.2g fat, 25.8g carbohydrates, 5.5g dietary fiber, 5.5g sugars, 12.6g protein

What's For Dinner? Simple Chicken Posole

2013-10-21T11:40:00.001-04:00

Cool weather is finally starting to arrive here in North Carolina, and one of the challenges in bariatric eating is to find warm, hearty dishes that won't be too heavy on our limited stomachs, but also meets our nutritional needs.

Posole is a traditional Mexican stew, typically made with pork, but sometimes with other meats. I had chicken left over from roasting a whole bird a few days ago, so I chose that as my meat. An added bonus to using cooked meat is bypassing the braising step all together. It does, however, move this even further away from authentic posole, but the spirit of the dish remains I think.

I'll note that I am not super heat-tolerant in spices. My choice in the measurements for cumin and chile pepper may be too mild for your taste. Give the flavors a few moments to blend, then taste and add more to your desired level of spicy.

Do be sure to drain the hominy, the liquid is quite salty.

Serve with a variety of toppings - radishes, shredded lettuce, a bit of cheese, and avocado are favorites. Add a few broken up tortilla chips of you choose to eat those. This is often served with warm flour or corn tortillas - avoid those if you aren't eating bread or don't want the extra calories.

1 cup diced or shredded roast chicken - skin removed
1 15-oz can white or golden hominy, drained (found near the corn in the canned vegetable aisle)
2 cups chicken stock
1/2 medium onion, diced
1 heaping tablespoon tomato paste
1/4 tsp ground cumin
1/2 tsp ground California chile pepper (or other mild chili powder)
1/2 tsp butter

Melt butter in medium sized sauce pan, add onions. Saute until they begin to turn translucent. Add chicken stock and tomato paste, whisk to combine. Add cumin and chile pepper, with salt and pepper to taste. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and stir frequently for 2-3 minutes to allow flavors to combine. Add hominy and chicken. Simmer for five minutes or until all ingredients are up to heat.

Makes 3 servings.

Nutritional information (soup only, exclusive of toppings): 189 calories, 3g fat, 22g carbohydrates, 18g protein, 2g sugars.

What's for Dinner? Cheesey Corn Chowder

2013-09-28T18:47:00.000-04:00

I've been really quiet on the blog over the summer - a couple reasons for that. Still working on the baby making thing - had to deal with a few surprises in uterine health that I'm not going to get in to tonight. But then mostly? Summer eating for us is about steaks and corn on the cob on the grill. We'd eat that 3 or 4 nights a week and be really happy with it, so it's not very blog-worthy!

But, the weather has started to cool down, it's by no means "fall" yet here in the North Carolina, but we can start thinking about soup and not have it need to be chilled! I was watching the Food Network this morning and caught an episode oft he Pioneer Woman making a cheese and corn chowder. YUM! I started with her recipe as a jumping point, and shaped it to my tastes and needs.

The key to a good soup that has only a few ingredients is to use the best quality ingredients that you can. Each component really has to hold up. To that end, I used some late season fresh corn, home made chicken and vegetable stock, and good quality cheese. If corn is out of season, frozen would be preferable to canned, and commercial stock or broth will work as well. As for cheese, grate it yourself off a block. Most packaged shredded cheese offerings have corn starch or another added ingredient to prevent clumping in the bag, and that can create a grainy texture in a chowder. Take the extra minute or two to do it yourself.

Pre-op, I'd have made this with half and half and full fat cheese. I can tell the difference, but the differences are modest enough that it doesn't impact the dish for me.

That said - here's the recipe!

2 tbsp butter
3 strips cooked bacon with rendered fat reserved
1 large sweet onion, chopped fine
5 ears corn, kernels removed (about 2 cups)
1 small red bell pepper - seeded, chopped fine
2 cups home made chicken stock
1 cup home made vegetable stock
2 cups whole milk
8 oz Monterey Jack cheese - shredded
8 oz 2% sharp cheddar cheese - shredded
1 bunch green onions, white and green part - chopped
salt and fresh cracked black pepper

Melt butter in a large pot - preferably an enabled cast iron pot. Add reserved bacon fat. Saute onion until it begins to turn translucent.

Add bacon, then add bell pepper - cook for a minute or two until it begins to soften. Add corn, stir to coat with butter and fat.

Add flour, mixing until the fat is absorbed. Cook stirring frequently for 3 to 4 minutes letting flour and fat turn into a light roux bound to the vegetables.

Add chicken and vegetable stock - bring just to a boil. Mixture should begin to thicken.

Add milk, salt and pepper to taste (I use about 1 tsp kosher salt and a good dozen cranks of freshly cracked black pepper). Reduce heat and cover, simmering for 15 minutes.

Add both cheeses, stirring until melted into the chowder. Ladle into bowls, top with green onions.

Recipe makes about 9 1-cup servings.

Bariatric eaters: up the protein by adding diced roast chicken at the end - 1 oz chicken adds 7g protein, 35 calories, and 1g fat.

WLS Post-Op Rating: 9+ months (fat content and corn).

Nutritional information (1 cup serving): 263 calories, 15g fat, 24g carbohydrates, 13g protein, 9g sugars.

Recipe: Any Day Chicken with Lemon Scented Carrots and Snap Peas

2013-06-30T18:53:00.000-04:00

There's some days where you just don't feel like cooking, are uninspired, tired, or otherwise just not excited about being in the kitchen. Today was one of those days for me. But, we still have to eat and as a post-op, still need to have a reasonably healthy meal.

This is one of my go-to dinners when I need something quick but don't want to go through a lot of fuss. All of the ingredients are regularly in my pantry. The only plan-ahead would be defrosting the chicken if I don't have any fresh in the refrigerator (tip: freeze breasts individually in Food-Saver bags - perfect portions for a post-op plus 1 or 2 others). The process of flattening the chicken breaks up some of the muscle fibers which makes for a more tender piece of meat, something that can make chicken easier to handle for many post-ops.

1 lb boneless skinless chicken breast
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup dried bread crumbs - plain or Italian seasoned
3 tbsp extra virgin olive oil - divided
1/2 cup milk
juice and zest of 1 lemon
6 medium carrots
1 cup sugar snap peas, trimmed
1/3 cup water

Prepare chicken breast by pounding it out to 1/2 inch thickness. There's a couple ways to approach this. Place chicken between 2 pieces of wax or parchment paper. If you have a meat mallet with flat side (vs. the nubby side), put some muscle behind it and pound the meat with a slightly outward motion. The idea is to spread out the breast while making it thinner (rather than just smashing it down). If you don't own a meat mallet, a heavy bottomed pan can also get the job done - I've been known to use my cast iron skillet - that will flatten it instantly! Cut flattened breast into serving sized pieces - my very large one pound breast was cut into 5 pieces, roughly 3 oz each.

Heat 1 tbsp olive oil in large skillet over medium heat. Peel carrots, then slice thinly on a diagonal - about 1/8 inch thick. Trim ends and any strings from sugar snap peas. Saute carrots for 2 minutes, then add peas, saute for another 2 minutes. Add zest from the lemon, then it's juice along with 1/3 cup water. Cover and simmer over medium low heat while preparing the chicken.

Heat 2 tbsp olive oil in large skillet over medium high heat. Pan is ready when oil begins to shimmer.

Pour milk into a shallow dish or plate. Using paper plates for easy clean-up, put flour and bread crumbs on their own plates. Working one piece at a time, dip chicken in milk then press into flour on both sides. Shake off any excess. Dip again in milk, then press into bread crumbs on both sides, again shaking off any excess. Sprinkle with salt and pepper as you place them in the pan. Saute until cooked through, about 4 minutes per side.

Nutritional information: Chicken: 3 to 4 oz serving - 197 calories, 6g fat, 10g carbohydrates, 28g protein.

Nutritional information: vegetables - 1/4 recipe - 92 calories, 4g fat, 13g carbohydrates, 6g sugars, 2g protein

Recipe: Roasted Beet & Barley Salad

2013-06-29T14:16:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite things is beets. I grew up eating canned pickled beets - an odd thing for a kid to really like, particularly when my mother served them hot as a side dish, where the juice would run and color all the other food on the plate. But then I ate them frequently in salads, and continued to love them as an adult.

Then I discovered roasted beets. So different! A mild sweetness, they do take on flavors that surround them. They still of course are that bright purple color, and they will color any other ingredient in the dish.

This is not my recipe - it was developed by Anna Thomas for this month's Eating Well magazine.

The only ingredient I didn't have on hand was fresh basil - my plant didn't survive our recent major thunderstorm. I actually think this would be even better with some argula mixed in - giving a bit more green color, plus the crunch of peppery leaf.

The magazine gives 6 servings for the recipe - 8 would be more in line with post-op serving sizes.

1 1/4 lbs small beets
3/4 cup pearled barley
1 1/4 tsp salt
1/4 cup cider vinegar
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1.5 tbsp whole grain mustard
1 tbsp honey or agave nectar
1 cup thinly sliced celery
1 cup thinly sliced radishes
1/4 cup thinly sliced scallions
1/4 cup thinly sliced basil
1/2 cup walnuts or pecans

Preheat oven to 400F. Scrub beats under running water. Wrap tightly in foil and roast in oven for 1 to 1.5 hours until beets are tender when pierced with a fork. When they are cool enough to handle, slip skins off with your fingers or a paring knife (this will color your fingers if you don't wear gloves). Chop beets into a small dice.

Bring large saucepan of water to boil with 3/4 tsp salt. Add barley, reduce to a minimal simmer and cook uncovered 45 minutes. Drain well, spread onto a baking sheet to cool.

Heat dry skillet over medium heat on stove. Add chopped nuts - toast stirring frequently until fragrant. Remove from heat to cool.

Whisk vinegar, oil, mustard, honey, fresh cracked black pepper to taste and remaining 1/2 tsp salt in a large bowl. Add beets, celery, radishes and scallions, toss to coat. Let sit for about 15 minutes, then add barley.

Just before serving, stir in basil and nuts.

Nutritional information (based on 8 servings): 181 calories, 24g carbohydrates, 7g sugars, 9g fat, 4g protein

Faith, Denial, Hope or Despair

2013-06-09T15:34:00.002-04:00

Otherwise known as someone has to be on the wrong end of a "great chance".

We got the call Friday afternoon. My quantitative HCG test was negative. More accurately, the value was less than 1, but effectively that's negative.I go in Wednesday for a consult on whether anything else needs to be done before we move on to round 2 with the frozen back-up team.

I spent the last week searching for some sort of sign - I should have felt differently, I should have "known". Any time you get a bunch of women together on the internet talking about pregnancy or trying to conceive, there's always the contests - who knew the exact moment that implantation occurred - no hints from a little bit of spotting, oh no, that's too obvious - but they felt it. Suddenly their life took on an beatific glow, and before they could take the time to drive down to the 24-hour pharmacy there was enough HCG flowing through their system that a single drop of urine would produce an unquestionable double line on the test.

You know what? They're full of shit. Sure, some women, even some women I know, experience some early symptoms, but not everyone does. Others do only through the rosy-pink glasses of confirmation bias. Others, though I find it nearly equally as incredulous, never know they're pregnant until they're about to deliver. Everyone's experience is different.

I know, though, that for at least a day or two, I had two viable embryos inside me.

I suspect the one on the left was our little over-achiever - the one that made 9 cells by day 3. I don't know why neither of them "stuck" - and I don't think that anyone will ever be able to tell us why. There were some things that the doctor may want to investigate in some manner, that's what the consult on Wednesday is about.

My husband held me while I cried - and then told me that there was no need for despair, because the back-up team in the deep freeze would do fine and in another month-ish I'd be pregnant. He had faith.

I had hope, and what it got me was another kick in the gut. Faith only seems to delay the inevitable disappointment. I suppose that firmly believing something will be true will make you happy while you wait, it could forestall any angst in the mean time, but is that really better?

Anxiety isn't fun. Though the Man does sometimes tease me about not being happy unless I have something to worry about, I don't really believe that's true. I need to guard my heart. We made the decision to move forward with this, knowing that the 80-90% chances we were quoted were good. But I also know there's no guarantee that we'd be one of those 8 or 9 out of 10 - that we could just as easily be part of the 2 - or even the single 1.

I need to know, that even if we're not successful with the reserve team that everything will be OK. Right now, I'm having a hard time imagining the finality of "no more chances". Well, I can certainly imagine that outcome, but I can't imagine what I'll actually do with myself.

For over 7 years now, we've been trying in one way or another. The interventions we had shortly after we got together, the time it took for us to decide that we'd become foster parents, the training, the waiting. The wonderful time we did have in that experience, and the stark disappointments of the reality of the whole process. The nightmare, the fallout. Hearing that my WLS may improve fertility, realizing that in terms of motherhood I'm fucking old.

I don't know what to do with myself. Almost everything has been cleared out of the bedroom the girls used to share. The only remnants are the shelves he put up, the chest of drawers in the closet, and the framed pictures of J up on one of the shelves. I had to put down the pictures of T, but I've been able to enjoy the pictures of J for what they are. But today I'm tempted to put them away, or close the door again. The black hole that hides behind two sheets of wood and a couple of hinges. It was closed for the better part of a year. We've been waiting to replace the guest bed until after we knew we'd need a new crib or not.

Part of me wants to be able to have hope, to have faith that the universe isn't so cruel as to say no to us again. I'll admit that a larger part of me right now says that to believe so is only to be in denial.

Maybe that room should be closed - otherwise it's where hope will go to die.

Recipe: Chicken Salad with Creamy Balsamic Dressing

2013-06-01T19:18:00.002-04:00

Salad is an interesting topic for WLS patients - most people immediately go to "salad" as a food for those on a diet, but what is typically thought of as a salad is actually a rather poor choice for us - lettuce is pretty much void of nutritional content, vegetables are good, but then it's usually doused in very fattening dressings and other toppings. This salad uses a lean boneless skinless chicken breast for protein, goes light on the lettuce, and gets considerable flavor from the balsamic component of the dressing. As with any dish with just a few ingredients, using the highest quality produce you can find is paramount.

You may used left over chicken, rotisserie chicken, or cook a breast fresh - coat a single boneless skinless breast with a very light coating of olive oil or mayonaisse, bake for approx. 20 minutes at 375F, let rest until you can handle it comfortably to slice.

3-oz boneless skinless chicken breast
1/2 flavorful heirloom tomato - variety of your choice, chopped
1 oz sliced pickled beets
1 cup salad greens
2 tsp finely grated Romano cheese

For Dressing

1 cup balsamic vinegar
2 tbsp brown sugar
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 tbsp mayonnaise - low fat or regular
1/2 to 1 tsp milk

For dressing choose a moderately priced brand, there's no need to use super expensive imported brands, but don't use the bargain brand either.

To make dressing, combine vinegar, brown sugar, and soy sauce in a small sauce pan. Bring to a boil then reduce to low and simmer for 20-30 minutes until syrupy - sauce should coat a spoon without running off. Let cool.

Combine mayonnaise with 1/2 tsp vinegar reduction to start, adding a bit more to taste - I like mine fairly flavorful, so my ratio was about 2:1. Thin as desired with milk for your preferred dressing consistency.

Remaining reduction can be kept air-tight in the refrigerator for other uses.

Combine first 4 salad ingredients in a serving bowl. Drizzle with dressing, then top with cheese and serve.

Nutritional information based on use of regular mayonnaise for dressing.

Per serving: 245 calories, 15g fat, 10g carbohydrates, 8g sugars, 17g protein

Large Batch Cooking

2013-05-18T20:43:00.000-04:00

Cooking from "standard" recipes for the post-op sometimes turns into an exercise in multiple serving storage. I am usually quite adept at reducing recipes to serve 2 standard servings (so 4 bariatric - or as The Man puts it, .5 for me and 1.5 for him). At other times, a particular ingredient or recipe pushes me to make it as written. This occured tonight as I wanted to slightly adapt a recipe I found on the Food Network web site by Rachel Ray - for a French White Burgundy Chicken. Using over half a bottle of wine made it more suited to cooking the whole batch (and using that much wine), vs. trying to use only half a cup or so of a good bottle of wine.

So I'm not eating the same thing for 3 days or more, I make use of my Food Saver and freeze the extra servings. At almost 18 months post-op I'm at a stage where I can tolerate traditional pasta. I served it over egg noodles. Still in very small quantities (1/3 cup tonight), but sometimes it's a food I choose to eat, and I am able to enjoy it in small quantities without it being something that lures me into making poor or excessive choices. An alternate choice would be brown rice other other complex carbohydrate grains such as farro or barley.

French Bordeaux Chicken

As for other things, we're still in the prep waiting game for the IVF - or donor is on her round of stims, retrieval, lab work, and transfer on track to begin in another week-ish from now.

We've celebrated my birthday and our 5-year anniversary in the last week, more on those events in a post or two later.

Recipe: French Bordeaux Chicken

2013-05-18T20:34:00.001-04:00

This recipe could be done in a smaller batch, but with a good wine involved, I hate to make too small of a batch or the rest of the wine might go to waste. So with this recipe, I made it with the intent to freeze and save additional portions.

Adapted from a Rachel Ray recipe , I've changed some ingredient quantities and cooking times - it was a 30-minute meal, and with some things, you just need a bit more time than that.

1 lb cubed boneless skinless chicken breasts
3 medium carrots, diced
2 medium parsnips, diced
3 celery stalks - tender inner ones with leaves
4 slices bacon, chopped
2 cups white Bordeaux wine
1 cup chicken broth - low sodium
1 small box frozen pearl onions (alternately 1 box sweet onions - diced)
1/2 cup all purpose flour
1 tbsp minced fresh thyme
2 tbsp butter
2 tbsp all purpose flour
salt and pepper

Using a heavy dutch oven, brown bacon until most of the fat has been rendered. Remove bacon bits and drain on a paper towel.

Salt and pepper chicken, then toss in flour. Shake all excess before adding to the bacon fat. Brown on all sides, about 6 minutes total. Remove from pan and set aside. Add celery, carrots, and parsnips, browning in remaining fat until softened. If choosing to use diced onion, add at this time as well. Season again with salt and pepper, add chopped thyme.

When vegetables are cooked, push to outer edge of pan leaving an empty circle in the middle. Melt butter, then whisk in 2 tbsp flour to make a roux. Cook roux for 1 minute, then add wine, whisking to fully incorporate. Add chicken broth. Mixture will thicken, bring to a low simmer.

Add chicken back into pan along with pearl onions. Simmer for at least 15 minutes, or reduce to low heat and simmer for up to an hour to allow flavors to combine.

Serve over egg noodles, brown rice, farro, or barley as desired. Nutritional information for chicken and sauce mixture only.

Freeze extra servings air-tight using Food-Saver type storage.

Recipe makes 8 servings: 201 calories, 5.7g fat, 13.6g carbohydrates, 4.4g sugars, 14.5g protein, 6.1g alcohol

Recipe: Garlic Rosemary Lamb Chops

2013-05-07T11:54:00.000-04:00

In a post-op life, identifying a variety of protein options becomes a necessity as some go-to meals like pasta are no longer in our rotations. Lamb was a pleasant addition to my list of "yum!" proteins. This can look very fancy but is ultra quick for a week night meal as well.

Fresh spices really make the flavors pop.

2 bone-in lamb loin chops (locally best found in butcher case at Harris Teeter, Fresh Market or Whole Foods)
1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 tsp kosher salt
zest of one lemon
2 tsp chopped fresh rosemary
1 tbsp olive oil

Mince garlic, mash to combine with salt with back of spoon or a mortar and pestle. Add lemon zest, rosemary, and olive oil and stir to combine.

Brush mixture onto all surfaces of lamb choices - cover and let sit for 20 minutes.

Place rack in oven near top - about 3-4 inches below broiler element. Turn oven to high broil, line baking sheet with foil. Broil chops for 5 minutes per side for medium rare (with chops being 1.5 to 2 inches thick).

Take care when turning, some of the rendering fat may smoke a bit.

Shown served with steamed brocolli.

Rated: 3+ months - lamb is tender, chew well!

Nutritional information based on 3 oz usable meat - roughly half the cooked weight of a bone-in chop, and approx 1/4 of garlic rosemary mixture.

Nutritional information: 201 calories, 11.7g fat, 22.6g protein

Recipe: Chocolate Caramel Frozen Greek Yogurt

2013-05-06T21:26:00.001-04:00

Chocolate, sweet, and frozen - some of the things that you think you may have to give up in a post-op life, but not so! And, it doesn't have to be the fake food nastiness that's in a lot of the things in your grocer's freezer section.

Now, I will admit that I'm a bit of a purist when it comes to these things - to make a good frozen yogurt you do need some fat. It may be possible to make this work with non-fat or very low fat products, but the texture and mouth feel just won't be the same and it will harden into an icier freeze - not optimal. You may choose to make some substitutions, but the savings in calories and fat, in my opinion, don't make the changes in the final product worth it.

12 oz plain greek yogurt (I use Greek Gods brand, found at Harris Teeter)
1/3 cup good quality unsweetened cocoa
1/8 cup Truvia (stevia sweetener)
1/4 cup Torani sugar-free caramel syrup
3/4 cup whole milk

Whisk ingredients together in medium sized bowl until thoroughly combined. Consistency will be thicker than milk, but not as thick as a milkshake. Add milk a tablespoon at a time if you feel it needs thinning.

Freeze in home ice cream maker according to manufacturer's directions - mine takes about 25 minutes to get to a good soft-serve stage. Freezing for 4-6 hours will give a firmer but still scoopable consistency. I find that a thaw of ~45 minutes or more is necessary to get back to a soft consistency after a hard freeze, longer than you'd expect a traditional ice cream to need to rest.

I've rated this recipe 12+ months only because the fat content is bumping out against our goals for the losing stage. As always, let your own tummy be your guide as long as it fits within your daily nutritional goals.

This recipe makes just a bit under 1 quart - or approximately 4 ~3/4 cup servings.

Nutritional information (1/4 recipe): 173 calories, 14.2g fat, 17g carbohydrates, 6.5g sugars, 7.5g protein

Recipe: Chicken and Spring Veggie Farro Salad

2013-04-26T14:53:00.002-04:00

6-8 oz boneless skinless chicken breast
1/4 cup dry farro
2 cups trimmed green beans, wax beans, and snow peas
1 ear corn on the cob
1 small shallot
1 tsp butter
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp white wine vinegar
1.5 tsp country dijon mustard
salt
freshly ground black pepper

Trim chicken of all visible fat - poach in simmering water for 10-12 minutes until cooked through. Drain and let cool, then dice into small bite size pieces.

Steam beans and peas for approximately 2 minutes until color brightens. Plung in ice bath to stop cooking, drain and pat dry. Cut into bite size pieces.

Cook farro according to package directions, drain and cool.

Grill corn or cut kernels from cob and saute briefly with minced shallot in butter in a small saute pan. Set aside to cool.

Combine farro, chicken, and vegetables in large bowl.

In small bowl, whisk together oil, vinegar, mustard, and approximately 1/4 tsp salt.

Mix dressing into salad, add 5-6 grinds of fresh black pepper, stir to combine.

I enjoy this salad best at slightly warm room temperature but it may also be served cold.

Makes 4 servings.

Nutritional information: 191 calories, 6g fat, 18.6g carbohydrates, 4.3g dietary fiber, 1g sugars, 16.7g protein

What's For Dinner? Honey Lemon Chicken

2013-04-20T18:57:00.002-04:00

It's been such an odd day. It seemed that it finally had decided it was spring around here, and the weather had started to settle on upper 70s/low 80s for high temps, then suddenly it was back to low 40s this morning barely topping out at 60 but with a very chilly wind. Between that and a strong rain storm yesterday afternoon and evening, finishing the tilling of the garden was out - too mucky.

I woke up with a pain in my neck in the middle of the night, stretched a bit, and went back to sleep, and wasn't really going to think much more of it, except when I woke up for good this morning and rolled over, I felt like somehow I'd managed to break the middle finger of my right hand in my sleep. Moving my hand hurt, bending my finger was out of the question - what on Earth had happened?

I got up, moved my arms around a bit, stretched my shoulders and neck a bit more (got a half decent pop in the neck), but the pain in the hand was still shockingly strong. I noticed that while it was centered on the joint where your finger meets your hand, that movement did "tug" on things through my palm and give shocks up my forearm. A paramedic friend asked if I slept funny (at which point I remembered waking up in the middle of the night with the neck pain) - and we've fairly well decided I pinched a nerve some how, but I haven't managed to massage it away, and vicodin while taking the edge of the pain a bit hasn't relaxed anything enough to provide serious relief. I may end up at my chiropractor on Monday if I can't get any relief. Ugh.

I was looking for something fresh and "spring" like to make for dinner, and created a quick little recipe for Honey Lemon Chicken. It's super quick, very low calorie, and despite having honey it, less than 5g of sugars in a serving.

I served it tonight with some steamed broccoli spears and a third of a cup of Trader Joe's Rice Medley - a great combo of brown rice, red rice, and black barley - it's in the freezer section, so the rice is already cooked. It comes in steamer bags, 3 minutes in the microwave and it's whole grain goodness!

In non-food related news - I finally got my new assignment at work. My former group was brought back out of the global application development pool and into a different technology group - led by a woman I've known for most of my career at the bank. She's pretty awesome, and I think it's a great move. I'll be working on application governance for our group and the rest of her boss' organization - making sure we're adhering to enterprise policy on a number of issues: technology choices, data management, etc. Much more exciting for me than coding has ever been, so I'm very much looking forward to getting started on all that.

Finally, our egg donor has her major evaluation at the clinic on Monday and barring any surprises that throw a wrench into things, starting the meds which would put us on course for retrieval in about 4 weeks, with transfer to me about 4 days later. So quick, but so slow at the same time! Ugh!

Hoping tomorrow that my finger won't be messed up and that it's a bit warmer, really wanting to take Mabel the bike out for a ride. So how's your weekend going?

Recipe: Honey Lemon Chicken

2013-04-20T18:40:00.001-04:00

Some post-ops have trouble with chicken, in part because it can be dry, even when cooked carefully. To that end, though I rate this recipe as 3+ months post-op, you should be mindful of your own personal tolerances to chicken and as always, chew chew chew.

12 oz boneless skinless chicken breast
1 tbsp honey
1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
zest and juice from one lemon
salt and pepper

Preheat oven to 375F. Trim any remaining fat from the chicken breast(s), season with salt and pepper, and place in a baking dish sprayed with non-stick cooking spray. In a small bowl whisk together honey, oil, and juice. Pour half of honey combination over the chicken, turn over, then pour on remaining mixture. Turn or use a pastry brush as necessary to coat chicken completely.

Bake in oven for approximately 40 minutes - turning half way through and basting as necessary to keep moist.

Makes 4 3-oz servings.

Rated: 3+ months post-op

Nutritional Information: 124 calories, 4.5g fat, 5.7g carbohydrates, 4.7g sugars, 17.3g protein

Recipe: Veal with Shallot Wine Sauce

2013-04-14T19:23:00.001-04:00

6 oz veal scallop, cut into 2 portions (often sold pre-packaged - ask at the butcher counter)
1/2 cup dry white wine (I used Pinot Grigio)
1 tbsp butter
2 tbsp chopped shallot (one medium)
2 tsp country dijon mustard
1 tbsp chopped fresh sage
2 tbsp half and half
salt and pepper to taste

Add 1 tsp butter to skillet over medium high heat. Saute veal 1 minute each side, remove to a plate. Reduce heat to medium low and add shallots and remaining butter, cook until softened and just beginning to brown. Add wine, mustard, and sage, bring heat back to medium high and reduce by about half. Add half and half, then return veal to the pan along with any juices from the plate and warm through - only about another minute. Serve with sauce over the top of each veal scallop.

Rating: 9+ months post-op (for alcohol content)

Nutritional information: 1/2 recipe. 304 calories, 15.9g fat, 2.8g carbohydrates, no sugars, 26.5g protein