“Who’s there?”

“Kim Kardashian”

“Fuck You”

This year my family decided on a ‘no presents’ policy.  Let’s face it, if I want it, I’m going to buy it.  If I can’t afford it, it’s certainly not going to be gifted to me.

So far this season we’ve been to two movies in the theater and watched one on HBO at home.

I won’t go through a lengthy review here (mostly because I don’t know how to write a review and you can find some other schmo who wrote something totally irrelevant about the movie!).  But I will give you a couple of small statements on my thoughts about the films.

Hugo

• Spectacular cinematography
• Excellent acting
• Poor screenplay
• Dull gaps in storyline
• Dissapointment in Martin Scorsese’s vision: come on man! You’re part of Boardwalk Empire!  I know you have vision and storytelling abilities.  Sorry, you kind of messed up on this one.

The Descendents

• Slow in parts
• A lot of F-bombs dropped by the children, not the adults
• Some cool scenery
• If you’re a teenage boy you’ll love the gratuitous bikini shots of Clooney’s 17 year old daughter.  She spends most of the movie in a bikini at the beach.
• I still want to punch Beau Bridges.

The Adjustment Bureau

• Implausible
• Creates false belief that there is a higher power
• Some great dialogue
• Emily Blunt is pretty hot….not spectacular, but pretty hot
• Anthony Mackie is excellent
• While this wasn’t a bad movie, it was on the lower side of good and Damon has done much, much better.

Ok, let’s move on to Christmas parties and presents.

I’ll make this real easy on you:

Party #1 at Road Block and Mayo’s house:

The next night it was our turn to host a party.  I’ll post two gifts…..two gifts ONLY.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: WTF?

….and I’ll leave it at that!

So often employees are quick to complain about certain issues.  It is rare that a department as capable as yours receives a letter commending you for your actions.  This is such a letter.

Several weeks ago I submitted a service request to have the urinal pads removed from the men’s room urinals.  My reasoning was simple: the urinals already have permanent stoppers attached so as not to allow foreign objects to accidentally get flushed.  By placing a urinal pad in the urinal, the only purpose it serves is to splash piss on the pisser!

You see, with that permanent urinal guard in place, the pad you placed in there would not sit correctly, thus rendering the statement “go piss yourself” a valid action.

Other valid statements are as follows:

• Piss off!
• Get pissed!
• I’m going to rip your eyes out and piss in your skull!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to get off topic.

Much to my surprise, you actually removed the blue urinal pads.  I was ecstatic!  There would be no more pee stains on my trousers.  I would no longer look like an eighty-year-old man who had soiled himself.  You just saved me hundreds of dollars in dry cleaning fees each year.  I applauded you…..

But you went a step further.

I want to preface this next statement by saying that this action was by far, above and beyond the call of duty as a fixer of things and shit!

You have now added a wonderful new item to the urinal that will solve the “splashy piss” problem.  While I don’t wholeheartedly agree with the addition of a new urinal pad, I do applaud your action in placing pads with aroma cakes attached to them.

This was a brilliant move!  Remove the urinal pad completely?  No way!  Make the urinal pad user friendly?  Way!

Now, when I take a piss and splash urine on my $200 slacks, I will know that a fresh, summer breeze, ocean scent will accompany me wherever I go.  Bravo, I say.

It is an action such as this that makes this company an Employer Of Choice.

More vacation days?

Fuck you!

More pay?

Double fuck you!

Healthy food in a cafeteria with edible food?

Triple fuck you with fudge on top!

But urinal pads with scented cakes?  You have a home run with this idea.

Sincerely,

Anonymous Employee for Fear of Being Fired over Complaining About Scented Urinal Cakes

ps. Go fuck yourself…

Sometimes, no sense to they make

Refrigerator

Hell yeah she’s an artist!