I’m down about 18 lbs.  My clothes are falling off me and I refuse to spend money on new pants until I lose about 10 more pounds.  As baggy as things look right now, I’m going to start looking like a homeless man….except shaven, bathed and wearing Polo!

Throughout this process I’ve come to a few conclusions:

One, there’s a reason most people who want to lose weight can’t lost weight: they’re not willing to do what it takes to become healthy and therefore shed the pounds.  They are lazy.  And before you start cursing me, I am included in that statement.

I think you just have to get so freakin’ mad at yourself that you just stand up and scream, “I’m tired of not being able to see my penis!!”

BTW, don’t do that in a crowded coffee shop.  They’ll probably kick you out and you will most likely get offers to help you find your penis from the crazy lady in the corner. Lesson learned!

Two, there are three keys to shedding the pounds…and more importantly, getting healthy: 1 – drink oceans of water; 2 – watch your portions and count caloric intake.  You can still eat some bad things, just cut down the portion.  And, 3 – get your ass off the couch and exercise.  You’ll never drop the pounds in a healthy way unless you exercise.  Sure, you’ll lose weight but you won’t be healthy.  Yep, you can be skinny AND unhealthy all at the same time.

Three, running sucks ass…..but I’m starting to like it a little bit.  When I was in the military killing commies alongside Rambo, I was forced to run about 5 miles a day with a platoon.  I hated it.  The pace was all screwed up and I could never keep up.  Of course I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and sucked down enough Miller Lite to kill a horse.  But that wouldn’t matter, would it?

I have been out of the military for many years and thought I’d never have to run again, unless of course I was running from the cops after a drug deal gone wrong or on the tail-end of me robbing a 7-11.

Then I met Dr. Julie.  Dr. Julie is a new friend I love and hate all at the same time.  You see, I love her when we’re out having a glass of wine discussing Thunder basketball or OU football or travelling the world.

I hate her at 5am when I’m crawling out of bed to go run.

But let’s get serious (for just a second).  Dr. Julie is a marathon runner and has actually been pretty influential in helping me continue my weight loss/health gain.  She did it indirectly.  I would hear her stories of running the New York marathon and think, “that would be cool as hell!”  So I decided to download Couch to 5K on my iPhone and get started.

I’m far from a marathon….actually, I’m far from a 5K….but Dr. Julie sparked interest like no other runner has.  I will always place her in the same regard as I do my favorite professor in college.  You know, the one who inspires you to do great things?  This professor inspired me to love Shakespeare, Kafka, Poe, poetry, literature, writing.

Dr. Julie will inspire me to update my will and learn to curse more efficiently.

I joke, of course.  I love Dr. Julie and thank her daily (in my messed up head) for pushing me to continue on.

Oh yeah, there’s one other person: Jay B.  You see, Jay is going through the Couch to 5K thing too.  He’s well ahead of me but I’m determined to beat him at a 5K.  You’re in my sights Jay!!  LOL

Getting old is hell and I’m pretty sure I’ve had enough of it.  The problem is I can’t control it.  In about two and a half weeks I will turn 45.  When I was a teenager I thought 45 was close to death.  Now that I am 45 I can tell you that…….oh who am I kidding? Some days I DO feel like I’m close to death.

Mentally, however, it’s another animal altogether.  I’m still the immature 17 year old I have always been.

I’m telling you all of this because I hit another milestone in my life last week.  I picked up my bifocals.  I’m still trying to get used to them and it’s not fun at all.  If you wear bifocals you know the hell I’m going through right now trying to get used to them; looking down to read, looking up to see distance, trying to find the sweet spot in the middle so I can actually see the compuper screia#$n……whoops, lost it there for a sec.

The eyes aren’t the only body parts moving in the wrong direction though.  Nine years ago I quit smoking.  It repulses me now.  I can’t stand being around it.  I can smell smoke from the car in front of me on the highway and it makes me change lanes (I guess I have a bionic sense of smell now!).

Along with quitting, I gained 27 lbs of snack filled, cheese induced, Mexican food coma, yummy goodness.  While I had a great time eating whatever I wanted, I found that I could no longer fit into normal clothes.  I was ONE size away from the Big & Tall department.  I would look at myself in the mirror every morning and think, “Damn, I’m fat and need to go on a diet…..,” then I would continue to eat crap all day long.

In January I decided that a lifestyle change was necessary at this advanced age.  I was determined to fit into “hipper” clothes and feel better about myself.

My goal was to get into a pair of Dockers that had been in my closet for over a year.  I bought them because they would be a reminder that I needed to lose weight.  Well, you know how that goes!  You blow off trying to get into those pants for a #2 meal at Taco Bueno.  Because, let’s face it, Taco Bueno is freakin’ CRACK.

So my goal date was March 1st.  Unfortunately I didn’t meet that goal…although, I was very, very close.  So I kept on exercising and watching my caloric intake and drinking lakes and lakes of water.  On April 1st I got into those pants.

I tell you this because this morning I woke up, got ready and put on those pants and realized that something really great was happening.  The pants that were too small for me have now become too big!

My wife looked at them and said, “those look baggy!”  It was hard to hold back a smile.

I still have another 15-20 lbs to go but at this point it has become quite easy.  I changed my lifestyle….completely.

I count calories using MyFitnessPal.com.  I bought a FitBit and track my steps and sleep each day.  I use RunKeeper Pro on my iPhone to measure the distance I’m walking.  I wake up every single morning and FORCE myself to do 100 crunches before I shower.

I lowered the carbs (not cut them out completely).  I eat smaller portions and healthier portions.  I have lived on tuna and Triscuits for lunch over the last few months.

And most importantly, I stopped snacking on junk.  Gone are chips and dip made from sour cream.

I don’t diet on weekends so I get a break.  But I don’t go crazy either.  I still get up and walk.  But I don’t count calories.

I haven’t given up my beloved Guinness and I still drink a 20 oz. coffee with creamer in the morning.  Those are my vices I don’t plan on giving up.  You can’t just drop everything you love immediately and expect the best.  It has to be gradual and that’s how I looked at this lifestyle change.  You have to do it that way for it to stick.

Sure I could lose faster, but losing weight and maintaining the healthy weight takes a change in lifestyle and that’s what I’m trying to create.

I figure I’ll be at my goal weight by June or July.  If you’re lucky I’ll post a picture of my hot new body in my birthday suit.  Well, maybe not.  One thing I can’t change about my advancing age is my shrinking penis.  It’s becoming an “inny!”

It really sucks that when gaining weight the fat goes to your stomach instead of your penis.  If that were the case, we’d all be razor thin with 3 foot dicks!

And with that image, I’ll say au revoir!

However, this year is ramping up to be a good one so I thought I’d start writing a little bit about the plans.

2012 is going to be another Sturgis year.  If you don’t know what a Sturgis year is, read this. (Sorry, the pics didn’t transfer when I changed hosting.)

So the planning has begun!  This year’s trip promises to become epic with excursions into Montana, Wyoming, Idaho, Utah, and Colorado.

There will be mayhem, debauchery, drunkenness, and more mayhem…….

Ok, that’s not exactly true.  There will actually be sunburn, sore backs, sore asses, tired muscles, diarrhea, filth, dirt, grease, noise, and early nights…depending on the amount of alcohol consumed.  What can I say?  I’m old!

Stay tuned and I promise to keep you informed.

Right now I’ll just leave you with a couple of pictures.

“Who’s there?”

“Kim Kardashian”

“Fuck You”

This year my family decided on a ‘no presents’ policy.  Let’s face it, if I want it, I’m going to buy it.  If I can’t afford it, it’s certainly not going to be gifted to me.

So far this season we’ve been to two movies in the theater and watched one on HBO at home.

I won’t go through a lengthy review here (mostly because I don’t know how to write a review and you can find some other schmo who wrote something totally irrelevant about the movie!).  But I will give you a couple of small statements on my thoughts about the films.

Hugo

• Spectacular cinematography
• Excellent acting
• Poor screenplay
• Dull gaps in storyline
• Dissapointment in Martin Scorsese’s vision: come on man! You’re part of Boardwalk Empire!  I know you have vision and storytelling abilities.  Sorry, you kind of messed up on this one.

The Descendents

• Slow in parts
• A lot of F-bombs dropped by the children, not the adults
• Some cool scenery
• If you’re a teenage boy you’ll love the gratuitous bikini shots of Clooney’s 17 year old daughter.  She spends most of the movie in a bikini at the beach.
• I still want to punch Beau Bridges.

The Adjustment Bureau

• Implausible
• Creates false belief that there is a higher power
• Some great dialogue
• Emily Blunt is pretty hot….not spectacular, but pretty hot
• Anthony Mackie is excellent
• While this wasn’t a bad movie, it was on the lower side of good and Damon has done much, much better.

Ok, let’s move on to Christmas parties and presents.

I’ll make this real easy on you:

Party #1 at Road Block and Mayo’s house:

The next night it was our turn to host a party.  I’ll post two gifts…..two gifts ONLY.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: WTF?

….and I’ll leave it at that!

So often employees are quick to complain about certain issues.  It is rare that a department as capable as yours receives a letter commending you for your actions.  This is such a letter.

Several weeks ago I submitted a service request to have the urinal pads removed from the men’s room urinals.  My reasoning was simple: the urinals already have permanent stoppers attached so as not to allow foreign objects to accidentally get flushed.  By placing a urinal pad in the urinal, the only purpose it serves is to splash piss on the pisser!

You see, with that permanent urinal guard in place, the pad you placed in there would not sit correctly, thus rendering the statement “go piss yourself” a valid action.

Other valid statements are as follows:

• Piss off!
• Get pissed!
• I’m going to rip your eyes out and piss in your skull!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to get off topic.

Much to my surprise, you actually removed the blue urinal pads.  I was ecstatic!  There would be no more pee stains on my trousers.  I would no longer look like an eighty-year-old man who had soiled himself.  You just saved me hundreds of dollars in dry cleaning fees each year.  I applauded you…..

But you went a step further.

I want to preface this next statement by saying that this action was by far, above and beyond the call of duty as a fixer of things and shit!

You have now added a wonderful new item to the urinal that will solve the “splashy piss” problem.  While I don’t wholeheartedly agree with the addition of a new urinal pad, I do applaud your action in placing pads with aroma cakes attached to them.

This was a brilliant move!  Remove the urinal pad completely?  No way!  Make the urinal pad user friendly?  Way!

Now, when I take a piss and splash urine on my $200 slacks, I will know that a fresh, summer breeze, ocean scent will accompany me wherever I go.  Bravo, I say.

It is an action such as this that makes this company an Employer Of Choice.

More vacation days?

Fuck you!

More pay?

Double fuck you!

Healthy food in a cafeteria with edible food?

Triple fuck you with fudge on top!

But urinal pads with scented cakes?  You have a home run with this idea.

Sincerely,

Anonymous Employee for Fear of Being Fired over Complaining About Scented Urinal Cakes

ps. Go fuck yourself…