The following is a paraphrased version of the ebb and flow of our conversation, the points we discussed and my opinion on three critical areas in a man’s life.

This post is meant for the 10% or those men that desire to be in the 10%.

The 10% being actively engaged, passionately present husbands and fathers. Leaders, Example Setters and Pillars in the Church, Community and Workplace. – The Men among men.

This leads us to the current problem and downfall with some men  – Passive Manhood.

Defining the Problem.

I define Passive Manhood as tending not to take an active or dominant role in marriage and family matters.

Paul at Hardcore Christian Men defines it well…“A passive man is one that does not take an active role in decisions or actions. Often this is a person who submits to another person’s will simply because it is easier than figuring out what to do or taking responsibility themselves. It is submission to another out of ease regardless of the consequences. Another view of passive nature is passive aggressiveness. This is the nature of supporting someone to their face while stabbing them in the back. This is the person who will leave a note griping about people using something of theirs and then act like it’s perfectly fine if you use it. Passive aggressive people do everything they can to avoid direct conflict, but stir the fire incessantly anonymously.”

Scotch Discussion 2: Love Your Wife Unconditionally

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”  – Ephesians 5: 25-28

We often hear people throw around the term “unconditional love” but I have truly only met a few couples who truly live up to it’s definition:

I told my friend this.“Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations or conditions.  Unconditional Love is that type of love which has no bounds and is unchanging.  In psychology, unconditional love would refer to a state of mind in which the individual has the goal of increasing the welfare of another, despite any evidence of benefit for them self.”

What we’re really saying is…I love you, No matter what.

Even if you don’t reciprocate it.

Even if you disrespect me.

Even if you withhold sex.

Even if your physical appearance fades.

It’s saying that whether the other person holds up their end of the bargain or not, you will hold up your end.

The number one reason cited for marriage infidelity is neglect. It is almost always the reason women cite for their extramarital affairs. Everyone needs psychological stimulation. Without it one begins to suffer from mental and emotional neglect and will search for affection in other areas.

Women lose interest in their husbands for the following reasons:

• a desire for emotional closeness and intimacy (someone caring to confide in and bond with on an emotional level)
• a desire for attention (wanting be the center of a man’s attention again)
• to reaffirm her desirability (To feel validated as a woman)
• to re-experience feelings of romance
• a desire to feel “special”
• loneliness

All of these issues can be controlled by us, as men and husbands.  We hold the keys to marital success and failure.

Think back to when you were dating your wife…how did you act?  How did you speak?  How were your manners?  How did you dress? How often did you call her?  How often did you buy her gifts? How often did you take her on dates?

If your answers to these questions have changed from then until now, Why?

God has commanded us to love our wives as we love the church, as we love God.

I don’t know about you but I’m not one for passing blame or responsibility.  As a man, my marriage is my responsibility.

If our marriage has failed or is failing, it’s our fault.  Period.   We have not upheld God’s command or our promise to our wife. That’s the bottom line.

Society and the media will tell us that love is based on personal desires and emotions.  When we feel loved, we return the love.  When we don’t feel loved, we don’t love back.

Society will tell us that marriage is just a legal contract.  “I feel loved, I want to marry her.” but when the feelings change “I don’t feel loved, I want a divorce.”

All this is conditional-emotions based love.  This type of love says…I love you except when you do this….

This is not the love or marriage God describes to us in the Bible.

Many men would say that if their wife was in danger, they would die for her.  This is courageous chivalry.

But God commands us not to die literally but to put to death our own selfish desires to meet our wife’s deepest needs. It’s about being willing to sacrifice our “lives” every day for her.

As men, we want a woman who deeply respects and appreciates us, but the kind of man a woman appreciates and respects is one who sacrificially loves her, who patiently honors her and who lays down his “life” for her on a daily basis.

So my challenge to my friend and you is to love your wife unconditionally.  Failure is not an option.  We hold the keys, it is our responsibility and we must be held accountable daily.

- Lance

A baby asked God, “They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?”
“Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.”

The child further inquired, “But tell me, here in heaven I don’t have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.”

God said, “Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel’s love and be very happy.”

Again the child asked, “And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don’t know the language?” 

God said, “Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.”

“And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?”

God said, “Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.”

“Who will protect me?”

God said, “Your angel will defend you even if it means risking it’s life.”

“But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.”

God said, “Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.”

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, “God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel’s name.”

“You will simply call her, ‘Mom.’”

The following is a paraphrased version of the ebb and flow of our conversation, the points we discussed and my opinion on three critical areas in a man’s life.

This post is meant for the 10% or those men that desire to be in the 10%.

The 10% being actively engaged, passionately present husbands and fathers. Leaders, Example Setters and Pillars in the Church, Community and Workplace. – The Men among men.

This leads us to the current problem and downfall with some men  – Passive Manhood.

Defining the Problem.

I define Passive Manhood as tending not to take an active or dominant role in marriage and family matters.

Paul at Hardcore Christian Men defines it well…“A passive man is one that does not take an active role in decisions or actions. Often this is a person who submits to another person’s will simply because it is easier than figuring out what to do or taking responsibility themselves. It is submission to another out of ease regardless of the consequences. Another view of passive nature is passive aggressiveness. This is the nature of supporting someone to their face while stabbing them in the back. This is the person who will leave a note griping about people using something of theirs and then act like it’s perfectly fine if you use it. Passive aggressive people do everything they can to avoid direct conflict, but stir the fire incessantly anonymously.”

Scotch Discussion 1: Men Are The Leaders of the Family

Being a leader does not mean your the smartest, most talented, or the one who has it all together.  Leaders are the ones who take courage. They step up, act decisively, make decisions and influence others in a positive direction.  Men are commissioned as the leaders of their household.  Rule #1 of Leadership – You are Responsible.

Your wife’s happiness and intimacy, your children’s education and upbringing, the emotional atmosphere of the family, the family finances, the spiritual direction of the house hold.  This is all our responsibility.

When men shirk responsibility, they do two things.

1. Disobey God’s Commands and act cowardly.

2. Belittle themselves and lose respect in the eyes of their wife and children.

My wife has listened to countless women complain that their husbands won’t lead the family.  Or when they do lead, it is to satisfy their own needs and not the best interest of the family.

I told my friend this.  “You don’t want to go to church with your wife because of your own mixed emotions?  Well guess what, it’s not about you.  It’s about your wife and son and you being the leader and doing what is right for them.  That’s what a man does when he loves his family.”   

Being the leader of the family doesn’t mean picking and choosing our battles or taking the easy routes. It means constantly getting out of our own comfort zones and doing what is right for the family as a whole.  It means sacrificing our own self  interests for the greater good of the families or our wife’s happiness.  It’s unconditional love and commitment.

I would love to sit around in a t-shirt and watch sports all weekend but that is not what is best for my family.  Instead, we get up,  put on something nice and take our family on a family picnic or go with our wives to some social event or take our daughter to the mall on Saturday shopping (Yikes)!  That’s what a leader does.

The bottom line….Lead our families.  Act bold and decisive and make decisions.  Involve the family in the discussion and always asks our wives opinion but in the end, be the leader.  Make the hard decisions and show your wife and family that you can be counted on in ALL situations.

Added bonus….Quote from my wife “Nothing turns a woman on more than to see her husband take charge and lead the family. A man that wakes up, gets his kids ready and takes them to Church on Sunday morning without prompting, is a man any woman would desire.”            

For more help in this area, I recommend you read the book the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership by John C. Maxwell.  It is one of the most prolific books on leadership and is used by Fortune 500 companies and the military to teach their leaders.  You can have the same training for about $8 on amazon.

Side note:  I know some men have more dominant wives than others.  If your wife has been the leader of your household for some time, she may be resistant to give up control. Also, some women prefer control because they feel their husband is not capable of leading. If this is your situation (No shame here) I recommend you read the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership by John C. Maxwell first then slowly and subtly start implementing change in your household.  Talk to your wife privately about slowly taking back the reigns, she may give you some small, menial leadership tasks at first but under promise and over produce on these tasks.  Slowly build from here.  The fact that she and the family sees that you desire and are committed to lead will pay big dividends.  Don’t give up!!!!!  Take the hard jobs or leadership roles and treat them as if you were leading the Normandy Invasion.

Stay Tuned for Part II ……

-  Lance

now multiply it by 24 for the hours

25567*24 = 613608 hours

and finally how many minutes in one hour so you multiply 613608 by 60 minutes:

613608*60= 36816480
——
70 years = 25567 days
70 years = 613608 hours
70 years = 36816480 minutes

After we take away the time spent sleeping and working that doesn’t leave much to focus on why we are on this earth.

Whether rich or poor, in plenty or in want, what we do with our time is very important.  We could choose to waste it.  We could watch TV, surf the internet, or whatever we choose that may not construed as relevant in a life that should be for the glory of God.

We could make the most of our time, whether as an athlete, profession, lay person or husband and father.  Leader in our church…How we manage our time will be judged.

James 4:14

English Standard Version (ESV)

More to say and do about this and the Stewardship of our time, talent and treasure.

Thoughts?
Let me know,

Dante

April 12, 2012

A month ago, my family moved from the West Coast to the East Coast.  This is was due to a job promotion for me and graduate school for my wife.  We’d prayed about this decision for over a year and all indications were that this was the correct choice.

Our children have endured moves in the past and embraced and accepted the change with little to no opinion or objection.

This move changed all that.

Our children are now middle school age and had strong emotional ties to their friends, youth group and school back on the West Coast.  This past month has been filled with anger, resentment and little to no logical thinking on our children’s part.

My children now have a deep sense of resentment and anger at my wife and I for moving the family and for deciding to do what’s best for us but not necessarily for them.  They feel victim’s in this process and have been highly resistant to this change.

I spent months researching communities for us to live, looking for great schools, neighborhoods and churches.  We finally settled on a small community that’s schools are in the top 5% of the country, has great youth programs and the community has little crime.

Lesson 1:  Good schools do not equal good communities.

The school is top notch:  great educators, top honors.  The kids however are success driven, sheltered and not accepting of outsiders (our kids).  The parents we’ve met so far; success driven, snobbish and fear based parents.

Lesson 2:  Emotional Tweens lack logic.

I’ve explained to my kids over and over that this move was what was best for the family and how we prayed about it.  To this we’ve been met with resentment, anger and our children questioning whether God loves them or not.  Their emotions are high and logic is almost non-existent.

Lesson 3:  Technology can hinder progress. 

Skype, email, Facebook and cell phones have allowed our children to keep one foot on the West Coast and one shaky foot in our current new home.  Our children use technology to stay connected with their West Coast friends and it enables them to not have to put forth a total effort towards making friends and a new home on the East Coast.

My wife and I continue to pray and support one another hoping that time will heal all. We’ve talked about counseling to help the transition.  We hope everyday that our children will continue to adjust and make new friends.  So far, it has been an emotionally draining uphill battle fought one day at a time.

If anyone has any ideas or experiences, I am all ears.  Please keep us in your prayers.

– Lance

Psalm 22

English Standard Version (ESV)

So what does Scripture say about our words (sword):

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (Proverbs 18:21)

“But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment.” (Matthew 12:36).

“For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” (Matthew 12:37).

^“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” (Colossians 4:6 ESV)

What I find interesting is how we, as legacy dads, can navigate through our day and realize how vile and ignorant conversations can be in this world.  You don’t believe me?  Turn on the TV, listen to the Radio, search the blogs (especially during an election year) and most of all look at Social Media and realize just how serious your words (sword) can be.

Imagine if for just one day everyone around us could hear these things being said and done to other people that we loved.  Imagine even more if in the course of that day, that we found ourselves being the one that said those things.

Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord.

From the poem by Frank Outlaw:  The 5 Watches:

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

Dante

He asked me what he could do for me.  I didn’t see that question.  Actually, I was expecting more of just a catch up kind of evening.  I will say that I knew that he was walking and getting actively involved in some other ministries in our church and that was a very good thing.  My response to him was that he was already doing it.  He made some mistakes (we all do), he repented (we all need to) and he has been restored.  Now his life is bearing fruit of the Spirit.  He has a humility that I cannot explain, but I can tell that he truly gets what Christ did for him (for me and you).  He reinforced a very strong passion of Lance, Gary and myself:  To finish well and to reach men at their core and to serve in such a way, When your time comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.”  (quote form Lance’s Post).

After dinner,  we went and saw the movie (see trailor) Act of Valor, which is a movie about Navy SEALS.  The movie was nothing less then great.  You can pick on some aspects of the movie but things that were made abundantly clear from the beginning where character traits that we strive for legacy dads to bear witness to and live out daily:  Trustworthiness, Respect, Responsibility, Fairness, Caring, Citizenship, Perseverance, Loyalty, Duty, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, Grace, Justice, Humility, Humilty, Mercy, Discipline and of course, Valor.  I have to believe that some, if not all, of these men fear God and believe in Jesus Christ.  They would be remiss to be so giving in their sacrifice to their friends and family and country and not know the Lord Jesus Christ as their Savior.  Some of the things said and principles shared in the movie can make one believe that they do believe in God (I hope and pray so).

Last night was another special night for me as I met with an Elder from our church and a man that is very involved with me in our men’s ministry and we are working on some discipleship training.  Both men, that I met with these past two nights, have a sense of maturity (humility) that is great to see.  The one from Tuesday is just starting to grow deeper in his faith and maturity and the one from last night has come through a very long year and a half of a desert place.

I am celebrating these two men this week.  I believe in them and their walks and am proud to be involved in serving with both of them.  As we work through this discipleship process, our prayer and hope is that other men will move in a posture that can bring them to a place of worship, service, stewardship, purity and of course, being a man of God and a disciple of Christ.

To God be the Glory,

Dante

Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their views, and demand that they respect yours.

Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life.

Seek to make your life long and of service to your people.

Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or sign of salute when meeting or passing a stranger if in a lonely place.

Show respect to all people, but grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life and strength.

Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies in yourself.

Touch not the poisonous firewater that makes wise ones turn to fools and robs them of their visions.

When your time comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.”

- Tecumseh, Native American Leader