Legos In My Pocket

My Tiny Place

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Fri, 23 Feb 2018 09:07:00 +0000

Coming back after a long break away is always hard.
It's tough for me to find my starting line.
When I last wrote, I had planned to check in more often. I was hoping to get back to doing something that brought me happiness. Something that gave me my place of solitude. Get back to being me. My own Tiny Place.

But life had other plans.

Since the beginning of July 2016 my life has been a roller coaster of emotions.
I'm not ready for one long detailed post about everything...
So I will just hit the bullet points for now.

July 6th, 2016 - The day that changed my world forever.
My 19 year old brother Michael was killed.

(For multiple reasons I still can't talk about that here...
continuous court proceedings being one of them. Hopefully someday soon...)

July 24th - Baby #2 Gender Reveal!
We did our best to reclaim a moment of sanity when some of my closest friends gently convinced me to continue plans with our Gender reveal BBQ.
*It's a Girl!!*

July 30th, 2016 - Michael's Funeral
After a month of hard work, sleepless nights, and tough meetings we finally laid my baby brother to rest. It was a bittersweet moment. In pure Clayton fashion, we rounded the night out with a potluck Bonfire.

August 2nd, 2016 - Mosquito Allergy
After the bonfire Kai had a few Mosquito bites.. That quickly progressed to something so obviously worse. After a last second appointment with his pediatrician, it was confirmed. Little man is allergic to MOSQUITOES. UGH.

August 9th, 2016 - Fire Alarm Fiasco
This was the first in a LONG string of random unnecessary false fire alarms in my apartment building. Just a bullet point on the list of why we eventually moved...

August 12th, 2016 - Date Days
My MIL insists on giving me some personal time to process everything that has been happening. Her and Kai start what will become a favorite tradition for them... Kai & Grammie date days! (Generally movies and Mcdonalds)
October 2nd, 2016 - Baby Shower
Who knew falling in love would be so adorable.

October 8th - Daddy nesting hits
Ryan finally breaks and demands the new car seat installed.

October 11th - Maternity shots at the pumpkin patch.
My belly was getting SO big.

October 15 - Pumpkin
We "borrow" a new kitten from my sister.
It somehow (almost) never leaves.

October 23rd, 2016 - Dehydrated false alarm.
22 hours later, Baby girl is okay... my body just still hates me.

October 31st, 2016 - Halloween

Preggo Winnie-the-Pooh, Sexy Darth Vader & a T-rex

November 8th, 2016 -A Nation of Fear.
Trump somehow becomes President, and I'm at a loss.

November 13th, 2016
Aaliyah Breeze Russell is born!!!

November 24th, 2016 - Thanksgiving

December 10th, 2016 - Marshmallow
We meet our special Christmas elf for the first time ever.

December 13th, 2016
Jordan Michael is here!!

My late baby brother's little man makes his arrival!

December 21st, 2016 - Superman falls...
Another loss for our family. Danielle's dad, my step dad Eric passes.

We feel the gravity rip us into pieces.

December 25th, 2016 - Christmas

Dec 31/Jan 1st, 2017 - New years eve/day
Happy 30th Birthday to me!

January 28th, 2017 - Kai's first sleepover
with his best friend cousin Caydence

March 22nd, 2017 - Celebrating Michael's 20th

April 21st, 2017 - Easter

April 27th, 2017 - Aaliyah's First word
"Da-Da"

April 28th, 2017 - Kai turns 4!!

May 17th, 2017 = Aaliyah turns 6 months

July 5th, 2017 - The big snip
Ryan takes care of business.
We have our boy, we have our girl.
I have NO interest in any more morning sickness.
So we made a big decision.

July 6th, 2017 -
The one year anniversary for my brother.
A bonfire with my close family. It's going to become our annual thing.

July 9th, 2017 -
Aaliyah's first tooth!

September 3, 2017 -
We officially moved out of our apartment!

*Thanks to Mimi & Kevin for allowing this big transition!*

September 6th, 2017 -
Kai's first day of preschool!!

September 24th, 2017 -
Taking a moment to appreciate the growth in our life.

October 31st 2017 - Halloween

The year of doubles, Two Captains, Two Lilos.

November 1st, 2017 - Our 15 year anniversary <3

This picture was taken the night before,
sitting on the bench in the High school were we met.

November 13th, 2017 -
Aaliyah Breeze turns one!!!

December 5th, 2017 -
The kids spend there first time in daycare while
Ryan and I are in court for my brother.

December 21st, 2017 -
The one year anniversary for my step dad.

December 25th, 2017 -
Christmas

January 20th, 2018 - Charizard
The newest spontaneous member of our squad.

January 21st, 2018 -
Ryan spends a week in Mexico for work.

January 25th, 2018 -
Kai is enrolled in Kindergarden!!

I can't tell you how many times I have opened up this blog to start writing again, and couldn't because SO much had happened. I NEED this space back. I NEED my Tiny Place. There have been a few more here and there but at least that gets you caught up for the most part. Now I feel like I can move on from the last two year hiatus. Eventually I would like to come back and write about a few of these bullet points now and again, maybe. we shall see.

Anyways... I would like to hope I can come back to writing more often. I do think that this blog is going to change a bit from what it was. Who I am as a person is very different. Things have changed my mental dynamic. It will be interesting to see where things go from here...

If your still here with me, thank you. <3

Man oh man, time does fly...

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 04:34:00 +0000

Well damn.

Last time I wrote in here was Kai's 2nd birthday... THAT was a LONG time ago.

Kai has recently celebrated his 3rd birthday, Ryan has switch to morning shift at work & we have moved to a new bigger apartment in a new city closer to Ryan's work in preparation for our newest adventure...

Baby Number 2!!!

Yup, that's right! We are happily expecting another addition to our little brood, and this time.. it's a girl! :D

See? Alot has been happening.

I'm hoping to get back to writing again. There is a lot more to talk about, but for now I'll leave it simple and sweet with a few pictures to quench your thirst!
<3

If you don't already, follow me on Instagram, where I post more on a regular.
(simple pictures are so much easier, don't you think?)

It's great to be back, oh how I've missed you all!

Don't forget to check out
my photo blog Pocket Memories

Happy Birthday my little man!

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Mon, 04 May 2015 11:20:00 +0000

So I'm way behind... I know.
It's taken me a bit to have enough time to just sit down and write on here without falling asleep with my hands still perched on the keyboard!

The big day has come and gone.

What big day?

My handsome little man Kai Nicolas Russell has turned 2!

Oh my gawd I just can't believe its already been TWO WHOLE YEARS!!

Time flies when your having fun I guess!

Of course little man asked for a Spiderman cake:

It may not be a fancy Pinterest cake, but he was absolutely thrilled,
So I was pretty proud of myself :)

We had a ton of fun... eating spaghetti, and cake, having water fights, and of course opening presents!! Kai loved all his presents.. but by far the coolest are the paintings his Auntie Dani made for him:

This gurl has skill... I'm so proud of her!

Kai was more than excited to add them to his collection..

All and all it was a perfect night!
Now its just a countdown till the BIG birthday party in two weeks!

The Noisy Snails - Book Review

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Mon, 13 Apr 2015 12:00:00 +0000

Anyone who knows Ryan & I knows we live for our cars. Motorheads through & through. Very early in our relationship Ryan turned me toward the dark & delicious side of being a grease monkey. I already had a bit of a emotional foundation from my dad & uncle, but Ryan introduced me to a whole new world. And I loved it!

When we found out we were having our first son, Kai... we were so excited! We couldn't wait to teach him everything we knew! The in and out of a motor and how everything works and why. Maybe being lucky enough to have him share our passion with us.

We realized very quickly that unfortunately there isn't much in the market for children s books geared toward the average car enthusiast & their kid. We were really bummed.. & then somewhere along the way heard whispers about the snails....

The Noisy Snails that is!

via

The Noisy Snails is a short story written by young first time author Michael.J. Meyers.

via

"My name is Michael J. Myers and I have been a MotorHead from the start. I was raised in South Jersey and have been here ever since. Growing up the difference between most of my friends and I was the location of our toys. When my friends wanted to "play" they went to the toy chest or the closet. My toys were in my garage. Between my dirtbikes, quads and Dad's classic car all I needed was dirt trails and open roads in place of a playground. While I never intended to sit down and begin writing children’s books, for I am a 23-year-old MotorHead, the idea came to me one day and has consumed me ever since. The Noisy Snails started as a vision that worked its way into a book, and then into a series of books...The MotorHeadGarage Series."
-MotorHead Garage Productions ATA Page

The Noisy Snails is a book about twin "snails" (stock turbos) in a Supra that go to Motorhead Raceways to pick up their new "shells" (Upgraded turbos) They end up in a race against their friend Walter, a supercharger in a Mustang.

This is an adorable short story with brightly colored, fantastic artwork and a superb way to introduce a little one to cars in a tangible, understandable way.

Plus it's super fun to read, making all the car noises the best you can!

We had contacted Michael before the book was released and expressed our enthusiasm for his new project! I was still pregnant at the time but was so stocked for a story like this for Kai's already growing library. When we had troubles ordering Michael worked with us personally to ship the book to us, even adding a little note just for Kai!

We were so thankful, & Ryan read it to Kai every night until he was born! We still read it at least once a week, and it always goes on any road trip we take! We can never get enough! We love these books and can't wait to have a whole section of them to choose from in our library!

We adore you Michael,
You have lifetime fans in us!

If you want to add this wonderful book to your library, check it out HERE on Amazon!Check back later for a review of Michael Myers 2nd book in the series,
The Sideways Sliders!

* I was in no way reimbursed for this review. All views expressed here are my own. I purchased the book and approached Michael Myers myself to write this book review in hopes of sharing his wonderful series with as many people as I could! *

Oil Obsessed

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Thu, 26 Mar 2015 19:21:00 +0000

I have a new obsession.

An addiction even.

I have recently jumped aboard the Essential Oils train & I cannot get enough!
Specifically Essential Oils

Seriously! If you have no idea what I'm talking about let me break it down for you.

What is an Essential Oil?
Essential Oils are natural aromatic compounds found in the seeds, bark, stems, roots, flowers and other parts of plants. Essential Oils have been used throughout history in many cultures for their medicinal and therapeutic benefits.

You know when springtime hits & all the flowers start to bloom? That intoxicating smell that fills the air? During the summer when your days are filled with barbecues & sunshine how just a whiff of an ice cold glass of real fresh lemonade can make you realize just how thirsty you really are. Or what about when the Fall winds have you retiring inside early for dinner to cook your favorite spaghetti sauce & right as you add in the Oregano you catch that robust spicy scent & your mouth begins to water? That warm cinnamon in your cocoa when that winter snow has you bundled up by the fire?

If your memory has been fully refreshed remembering all those wonderfully rich scents then you have fully experienced the wonderful aromatic qualities of essential oils.

EO's (Essential Oils) are:
"naturally occurring, volatile aromatic compounds are found in the seeds, bark, stems, roots, flowers, and other parts of plants. They can be both beautifully and powerfully fragrant. In addition to giving plants their distinctive smells, essential oils protect plants and play a role in plant pollination. In addition to their intrinsic benefits to plants and being beautifully fragrant to people, essential oils have long been used for food preparation, beauty treatment, and health care practices."
- dōTERRA essential oils definition

And I am telling you I. Am. In. LOVE!!

Since I've always been one to avoid overused medications where I can, I've used the aromatic benefits of EO's in helping with my bipolar before. Diffusing Wild Orange & Peppermint has been the norm, Filling my home with these delicious smells while simultaneously calming my nerves & uplifting my moods. This is especially helpful since I choose not to use the anti-psychotics that were prescribed to me for my bipolar. I can't stand the robot way they make me feel, and I can't take them while pregnant or nursing. If I am taking them and find out I'm pregnant I have to immediately stop, throwing my balance completely out of whack. That makes me very uncomfortable.

What I have learned this last month though has amazed me! I didn't know how many other things EO's could help with! I get serious headaches and swollen sinuses almost nightly that keep me from sleeping, but a peppermint & lavender rollerball used on the back of my neck and shoulders, even a little on my temples.. ohmygod! The cooling peppermint helps so much while the lavender gently relaxes me to sleep. When the headache progresses to that mind-splitting migraine that refuses to leave me alone for 4...6...8 hours... My PastTense rollerball kills it in less than 30 seconds!

The greatest thing is it doesn't stop there! EO's are so amazing, they can be used for so many other things! Making dōTERRA 's tagline so much more understandable.

Just the other morning I decided to play around, adding a few oils to our breakfast pancakes. I took regular old Bisquick blueberry pancake mix and made it per the directions. But before I poured some onto the pan I added a bit of dōTERRA's OnGuard blend and a bit of Lavender... (about two drops each) and mixed it in well. After pouring onto my pan I added some sliced banana to give a good vitamin boost. Plus anything with banana's will be devoured in my home as it seems to be a top favorite!

I didn't notice any overpowering smell while cooking. It wasn't until we sat down and started eating the you could instantly taste the new flavors present! Swirls of orange & cinnamon from the OnGuard layering very nicely with the sweet lavender only to be pumped with little fruit bursts from the banana & blueberry! It was awesome! And was the first time Ryan & Kai have gone back for seconds on pancakes alone! :)

There are so many other uses as well! Cooking, cleaning, baking... the list goes on and on!

Essential Oils have even begun to hit the news since medical offices across the country are taking notice of their superb outcomes!

KTVN Channel 2 - Reno Tahoe News Weather, Video -
If you haven't gotten on the Essential Oils bandwagon yet then ask yourself this:

Why in the HECK not?!?!

Seriously! There are no damages done, it's all natural, and so far it has RAVE reviews from anyone I've ever known to give them a try! Sounds too good to be true? why don't you check out my Pinterest board HERE and see how many things EO's can help you with!

Have I tickled your interest? Want to know more?
Send me a message, or just comment below and I'll help in any way I can.

Ask me how I can get you wholesale pricing like me!!

This has been the best decision I have ever made for myself & my family.
Lets give your life a dōTERRA make-over!
Trust me, you'll be SO glad you did!!

Mommy Don't You Worry - Children's Book Review

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Mon, 09 Mar 2015 12:00:00 +0000

Finding books to read with Kai is no hard task. My son loves books!

Books with lots of pictures, books with lots of words. He loves them all!

Every now and again I come across a book that's not just for fun, but also for teaching valuable lessons that would otherwise be hard to bring up in conversation or explain to a two year old. Finding one that Kai actually will stay interested in with his very short attention span doesn't happen often.

That's why I really enjoyed "Mommy don't you worry" by Louie Lawent.

You may recognize Louie's name from the book "Gertie the Pig" which is already used in schools all over the U.S. as part of the National Accelerated Readers Program. He is also a lyricist co-authoring on Grammy winning CD tracks, enjoys table tennis & an avid Green Bay Packers fan**

In his latest story, a young boy goes to the store with his mother but becomes frustrated when she wants to hold his hand instead of letting him walk on his own like he feels he's old enough to do. When the boy wanders off on his own & gets lost the story becomes a tale of just how scary it can be on your own when your not as ready as you think you are. With a happy ending as well this book helps put listening to your parent for good reason on a reachable level for a toddler.

Short, sweet, & to the point with adorable illustrations & a poetic rhythm.
Reading this through with Kai was so enjoyable that he asked to read it two extra times!

Not to say this is without my own critiques. As a parent and a blogger I pride myself in giving honest opinions in my reviews. When reading things others have written about a product I am showing interest in I want to know the truth to how they feel, so I can make an educated opinion before buying.

The only things I would change about this book, is I would love for it to have bigger pictures and definitely more of them. I know that's hard for a book with only 12 pages, but it would be something that would push this book towards higher sales. I also wish the cover illustration matched those in the book. While I thoroughly loved the story and the pictures inside have wonderful color & depth, the cover art looks a little like cute cut & paste Clip-art in windows paint. I think a revamp of this book with those two small changes would absolutely make this book far more interesting to a broader reach of audience.

I greatly appreciate the opportunity I was given to share this book with Kai
& the conversation it then opened between him, my husband & I.
I look forward to checking out more from this author.

If you think "Mommy don't you worry" sounds like a great fit for your family library, check it & other parent reviews of the book out HERE on Amazon for only $1.29!

For more on Louie, check out his Facebook HERE.

*Request for this review was made by the author. I was given a free PDF of the book & cover art with written permission to read, review, & share the cover art in return for an honest review here on my blog. All views & opinions expressed in this post are mine & mine alone. I was not paid or compensated in anyway for this review.*

** Info Collected from Smashwords.com **

Only My Mother, Episode one.

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Wed, 25 Feb 2015 12:30:00 +0000

My mother is a very complicated creature.
The patience she demands from a person can be infuriating, but the payout will almost always be worth it. Now, I know that this thought process comes from a place of bias as her oldest daughter... but know that even though I am the first person to call my mother on her shit, I am also ALWAYS the one who will fight tooth and nail for her. You want to try & take a piece of her? You want to come at her? You want to try and hurt her? You will have to find your way through me first, and when it comes to her I am never one to budge.
Good Luck.

As bad as things can get, she is always there for me. No matter what.
She has always said that to me:
"It's us against the world, Babygurl."

I LOVE my Momma.

That does not mean I am not one prone to also laugh at her expense every once in awhile... a lot of the time my mother can be a pretty good source of entertainment.

Like a few weeks ago. I had called her to check in since she is working hard on renovating her new home from the inside out. I'm talking bought a shell of a house that has been vacant for years and living in an RV in the driveway while they GUT the place and start from scratch.

And with way more calm than I ever imagined she would have in this situation. But then she reminds me that she is so close to cracking with her recollection of the night before:

"Oh you should have seen it. So we put a gate up since people are obviously still coming up here thinking this place is vacant and dumping their trash. We have left lights on and I let Rory out regularly."

(Rory being their roughly 60lb pitbull mix puppy.)

"Well ya know Eric had to leave to go do something, I can't remember what... but it was getting late & I was a little scared. He told me not to worry, and that if I was scared just to let Rory out that she would scare anyone away easy. Then he said if I was still scared he would leave me the shotgun. At first I was all "oh okay" but after a few minutes I thought, "Wait.. the shotgun?! What do you expect me to to with that?!" And he laughed at me!"

"I'm not sure why leaving you alone and armed is a laughing matter?"
I said with a hint of giggles through me sarcasm.

"Right?! That's what I thought too! I mean I couldn't shoot somebody! I mean I could but I really wouldn't want to and I would probably pee myself or have a heart attack before I even aimed the gun!"

At this point I'm not even hiding my snickering.

"Well did he leave it?"

"Well yes, but unloaded."

"As much as I agree whole heartedly with leaving you ammo-less.. what was his angle?"

This is where she gets serious.

"Well he said "no babe it's okay. God forbid Rory doesn't already scare whoever it is off, but if you are still afraid someone is out there just open the door, stand on the stoop, shout that you have a gun and they need to leave and cock the gun. That sound will scare anyone else away." I thought that sounded pretty good so I agreed."

"Okay... "

"Well awhile after he left I got scared. I thought someone was outside. I waited to make sure it wasn't him, and then after a few minutes I threw open the door & yelled as loud as I could:

"MY DOG WILL EAT YOU! YOU NEED TO LEAVE! OR I WILL SHOOT! *CHA-CHINK!*
*CHA-CHINK!* *CHA-CHINK!* SICK EM RORY! *CHA-CHINK!* *CHA-CHINK!*"

I took a split second to process what I had just heard, and began to cry from laughing so hard. I could not stop myself. This was to much.

"Mom. Was the "Cha-chink" you cocking the gun?"
"Yes! I was petrified!"
"So you just kept cocking it?"
"Well yes! Eric said the sound would scare them!"

At this point I couldn't see straight. She was standing her ground and all I could picture was her on the step of the RV in her pajama pants, squinting into the darkness because she can't see without her glasses and yelling at nothing while constantly re-cocking this gun that is already to big and awkward in her hands. My laughter was uncontrollable.

"Momma! You can't keep cocking the gun like that! If there was a person outside, all you did was inform them that you are an easy target with an unloaded gun & no idea what you are doing!"
"Well that's what Eric said when he got home too. I told him he coulda told me that before hand to which he stated he thought it was an un-needed explanation. He thought this was pretty hilarious as well. I'm not sure how my impending doom is so entertaining."

"Momma, they probably left because the felt bad attacking a person with mental disabilities."

"I coulda died!"

"But you didn't. You'll be fine. Atleast you got a great story out of it. And hey!
You learned something new about your shotgun."

"Your going to put this in your blog aren't you?"

"Ellen will have me on her show one day."

These are the things you see characters do in movies, not in real life. Unless its my mother. With her, things that you can think of only in your imagination have probably already been her reality.

Only my mother. :)

Currently... Hozier is my spirt animal.

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Thu, 22 Jan 2015 21:53:00 +0000

The deal: Use the themes provided or use your own - just let everyone know what is 'currently' going on with you. Be sure to stop by and say hello to the other bloggers linking up - especially the two fantastic hosts:
Lindsey of Ot & Et
Randalin of Kale & Beans

This week's theme's: starting, looking, listening, snapping, making

1. Right now I'm starting to attempt getting my blog up and running at a regular pace. It's proving difficult, but I am determined.

2. I'm looking forward to Kai's birthday. I know its still 3 months away, but I can't help it! My baby boy is going to be TWO!! So exciting.

3. I constantly have music on in our house, and recently listening to Hozier has been my current addiction supplemented with The Voice season 7 contestants Taylor John Williams & Matt McAndrew. I've added a music player to the top of the blog page with some music from all three artists... Feel free to check it out!

4. Snapping? I'm confused by this prompt... maybe they are referring to Snapchat? to which the only things I really snap are videos of my kid and weird randoms to my hubby. <3

5. I've been making tons of different soups and such in my new Dutch oven! man oh man am I in love! i plan on sharing a few recipes soon!

Well that's it for me! Not much of anything excited going on here.. Hopefully some of you will have a bit more pep in your posts? Can't wait to read!

Next week's theme's:
wondering, running, winning, calling, finishing

Don't forget to check out
my photo blog Pocket Memories

5 year old billed for Bday party no-show

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Tue, 20 Jan 2015 09:51:00 +0000

Scrolling through Facebook last night and all of the sudden
this article pops up all over my news feed with a headline to catch anyone's attention:

via here

So this little boy Alex, RSVP's to a birthday party with every intention or attending, and then something comes up last minute (spending time with his grandparents) and his parents can't find the birthday invite to inform the party host. Since it's just a 5 years old's birthday party & not a business meeting his parents figured they would just apologize to the host parent when they saw them at the school in the next few days. When that didn't happen it didn't seem to be a moment of distress, so no further action was taken.

So when Alex's dad Mr. Nash found a random brown envelope in Alex's backpack after school one day, he thought it a bit strange. Opening up the envelope revealed an invoice from the birthday party, saying Alex owed £15.95 as a "no show fee."

via

Are you kidding me?

Read the whole article here.

This parent, thought it appropriate to send an invoice to the school for them to pass along to the child? An invoice?

For those of you that are not sure, £15.95 translates to $24.04.

You sent an INVOICE.
To a child.

For a little over $20.00 ??

That is ridiculous!

I've read a few different articles on the matter and a few points must be brought to attention.

First of all, yes.. they did RSVP. BUT this is the chance you take when throwing a child's party! There will people who make it, and people who don't. I throw many parties on a regular basis, but never would I CHARGE my friends if they didn't show!

And if you really feel like they owe you some help covering the cost there are SO many waaaaaaay better ways to get someones attention!

What she did was rude, & in my opinion not handled very classy.

You eat the cost, and move on with your life!
And you sure a shit don't ruin your kids life over $20 damn dollars!

Uuugh.

What do you think?
Was the mother out of line?
Or is this exactly the kind of brazen honesty the world needs?

Don't forget to check out
my photo blog Pocket Memories

Golden Globes 2015

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Tue, 13 Jan 2015 21:32:00 +0000

Okay, I don't know about you but I love awards shows.
& Saturday nights Golden Globes were FANTASTIC!

First off, you can NOT go wrong with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler hosting. They have announced that this was their last year hosting and if that turns out to be true I am going to be so sad! On top of being absolutely hilarious, they leave NO subject untouched. This year was no different when they closed out with quips at the Bill Cosby scandal...

via
(And looking fabulous while doing it!)

"We're gonna make it a party...what are they going to do fire us?"
-Amy Poehler on her third time hosting the show

Man oh man these two!

So some big winners:

Best Motion Picture, Drama Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy
WINNER: Boyhood WINNER:The Grand Budapest Hotel

via    via

        Best TV Series, Drama                   Best TV Series, Musical or Comedy
WINNER:The Affair                          WINNER:Transparent

via    via

Best Actor in a Motion Picture,                 Best Actress in a Motion Picture,
Musical or Comedy      Musical or Comedy
WINNER: Michael Keaton, Birdman       WINNER:Amy Adams, Big Eyes

via    via

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama         Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama
WINNER: Julianne Moore,                          WINNER: Eddie Redmayne,
Still Alice     The Theory of Everything

via       via

Best Actor in a TV Series, Drama              Best Actress in a TV Series, Drama
WINNER: Kevin Spacey,           WINNER: Ruth Wilson,
House of Cards                                   The Affair

via    via

Best Actress in a TV Series,                        Best Actor in a TV Series,
Musical or Comedy                                       Musical or Comedy
WINNER: Gina Rodriguez,                          WINNER: Jeffrey Tambor,
Jane the Virgin                                             Transparent

via    via

Best Animated Feature Film
WINNER: How to Train Your Dragon 2

via

Best Original Song, Motion Picture
WINNER: ”Glory” by John Legend and Common, from Selma

Whats an award show without a Cumberbatch Photobomb?

via

Though I'm not going to lie,

via
Margaret Cho's character made me really uncomfortable.

Well now that we have covered all of that, lets move on to what everyone actually tunes in to these awards shows for: The FASHION.

There was a obvious theme, BOLD BASICS!

From beautiful blues

to ravishing reds

elegant yellows

"It doesn't bite!" -Naomi Watts on her stunning serpent necklace

graceful blacks

exquisite whites

(*All "color dresses" pictures above via here*)
I mean seriously! Some of those gowns are amazing!

The men were not to be left out:

via
"No, you just get drunk at this event" -Kevin Spacey
when asked if there is food served at the Globes

"The gloves are just my own" -Amal Clooney on her gorgeous white gloves

Not all the style choices were as well thought out...
A few weren't that far off, maybe only missing the mark by slight:

Then some more than others,
falling more into the failed prom or bridesmaid dress category:

But when you recover from those bad choices, you are brought back to focus with these captivating choices:

(*All good, bad, & fantastic dress pictures above via here*)

And don't you dare try to say something negative about The fanTABULOUS Conchita Wurst:

via

Because, the hair? the shoes? the dress??
You KNOW that outfit is fierce!

And Who doesn't love Emma Stone for being perfectly fine rocking a pair or pants & a hot top. This girl, is my idol!

via

My TOP favorites left stars in our eyes with their stunning choices:

"It's a little snug" -Kate Hudson on her skin-tight sexy dress

(*Top fav dress pictures above via here*)

But my TOP favorite look was from this beautiful couple,
Benedict Cumberbatch & his newly pregnant wife Sophie Hunter!

via
I am SO in love with everything about this!

But the one choice that was on EVERYONE'S mind:

The timeless wonder who looks age in the face,
& doesn't even need to waste a laugh...
Jennifer Lopez

via

Seriously. That woman never ages, & she's still breathtaking.

Even other celebrities are not immune to her sexuality

I loved everything so much! The bad, the good, what the hell was that? I just can't get enough of these shows!

The Oscars are right around the corner, I wonder what fantastic fashion atrocities we will be introduced to then??

I can't wait!

What was your favorite? Which looks did you hate? Tell me in the comments!

Don't forget to check out
my photo blog Pocket Memories

*Celebrity quotes found via here*

Gotta little Christmas boogie in me!

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Fri, 12 Dec 2014 13:00:00 +0000

Joining up with my old friend Lindsey over at Ot & Et
for their weekly "Currently" link-up.

This week's themes:

dancing, cooking, losing, clearing, sharing

Dancing is an everyday, all day thing in our house.

We dance for food.

We dance before nap.

We dance after potty time.

We dance before we get in the car.

We love to dance.

We have the music in us!

We have been slowly starting up the Christmas stations on Pandora, which Kai is super into. He gets really excited when "Marshmallow Winter" from the Target commercials come on... But almost every time we will end up on some Katy Perry Song.

Kai is really on a Katy Perry kick right now.. but can you blame him?

My Cooking bug has been held off for far to long. This weekend is my first weekend to start cooking & baking and I'm telling you... My fingers are itching to get started.

My Pinterest is FULL of things I want to try. Man Oh Man!

& on that note, there is NO way I'm losing any weight anytime soon...

Oh well! I will however be "losing" one more year of youth!

New Years day is MY Birthday, and I'm so excited! I'm telling ya, most people dread it.. but I really don't mind getting older. I'm ALMOST to 30 yo!!

So close...

The only Clearing that will be happening will be the clearing of plates and dishes once I share all the yummy goodies I will be creating over the next few weeks!

ooooooooh I can't wait!

Join in! Tell us what your Currently up too!

Next week's theme's: loving, reading, choosing, designing, wondering

Just a little Throwback...

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Thu, 11 Dec 2014 10:42:00 +0000

Was going through pictures last night...
Just in time for #ThrowBackThursday

Enjoy!

Man he was a cute little stinker in all his adorable little quirky shirts!

Tylenol? Earplugs? Maybe a Margarita??

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Wed, 10 Dec 2014 10:33:00 +0000

Damn, my headache is back.

I've been brainstorming what to write about for the last few hours, hitting a mental roadblock. As I sit here staring at the screen willing the words to come to me I listen to my son wail over the monitor on the table beside me. It's been like this for the last few nights. He goes down beautifully. Brushes his teeth, gathers his things, gets pj's on & climbs in bed. We read a story or two, and then I turn on his music & he falls asleep with no issues.

It's been bliss.

But about an hour or so after he will awake with a piercing scream.

I don't rush in, because I know he's ok but get to him as fast as I can. To which he will hold up his arms for comfort. I hug him to calm him down, and he immediately ceases screaming. He cuddles close as I wipe away tears & begins to fall asleep right away.

I wait a few minutes & then attempt to lay him back down but as soon as he notices the shift in my body he goes straight and stiff, wailing once more. Holding his legs out like he has full charlie-horses in both at the same time, unwilling to re-bend them. At this point he essentially becomes inconsolable.

Sometimes I try to cuddle again. Sometimes I try to wait it out.

And then there are other times, like tonight... that I just can't listen to the close proximity screaming any longer. Those times are when (after many warnings) I kiss him on the forehead, tell him I love him & remove myself from the room.

Of course this causes a full on meltdown.

I busy myself. Laundry. Dishes. Straightening. Dusting.

My house has never been so clean.

But the wailing continues.

I will go in after awhile, when the screams begin to die down, ask him if he wants to cuddle. Sometimes it works... Other times he begins to play around, bobbing his head or kicking his feet. This is when I will again kiss him on the head, & leave the room.

Another. Meltdown.

And it goes on & on like this for hours until eventually I either give up and go lay in bed in my own bed with him (which still can take hours & turns me into a half-functioning zombie) or I just finally let him up, thus throwing off his entire schedule.
Like that is not going to happen anyways.

I'm at a loss.

I know this is normal behavior. I know it's just a phase.
But by god am I EXHAUSTED.

I've thought about investing in a multitude of earplugs & coffee,
but I'm just not sure it's going to help.

Help? Ideas? Backup?
Someone to tag in and take a shift while I take a spa day?

No?!

-_-

Damn.

Aaaaand he's out of bed again. He's out the bedroom door and at my side with big sweet eyes before I can do anything and offering me his blankie & a book.

Guess we wont be going back to bed anytime soon.

Double damn.

My Tiny Place

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Tue, 09 Dec 2014 14:00:00 +0000

Recently, someone I consider a friend

(even if over 2,000 miles away and only through the internet)

took a look at her life through her blog and realized the lifespan of her writing there had come to an end. Not in a negative way, but just, her life and writing had moved on from what was originally planned there. All her blogging goals accomplished.

Even though I knew it was coming (I was messaging her while she was writing it) I still had tears in my eyes the entire time I read her post. I "met" her in the beginning of her blog and have kept up with her over the span of the last 5 years.

She has been through so much, and come out changed for the better at the end. Stronger. More vibrant & filled with purpose in the form of her beautiful baby girl. As I read through her memories of past posts, reading some I needed refreshments of and not even needing to click others knowing to which she's referring EXACTLY I began to reflect on my life. In her self reflection she has caused me to look at myself the same way.

Have I grown?

Have I changed for the better?

Have I learned anything here?

I know I'm nowhere ready for "The End" of this space, but I feel like I need to bring it back around to myself, rather than empty space-filling posts. Somewhere last year I forgot this was my space of reflection. My place to write down all my feelings in an unabashed, unfiltered light. My own "Tiny Place."

*For those other Dino-train parents out there, that one's for you!*

I have felt this way for awhile... the only problem was that a lot had happened the past year. A lot of things I hadn't quite gotten past.. let go of.

It was like coming to a giant tree across the path I needed to take.

I tried to sit & wait for it to take care of itself, or for someone else to fix it for me.

I tried to just live with the tree. learning to thrive along with it.

I tried to walk around it, or climb over it only to find out

that it's the biggest, thickest, never ending Redwood...

The only thing left to do, work my way THROUGH it.

So that's exactly what I did.

I put the major bits of My Story down in here.

It was hard.

It was painful.

It was cathartic.

The best release I've felt in ages.

I feel like now it's "back to our normal scheduled programming."

Like I can go about my life finally able to breathe again.

So I'm not going anywhere yet, I still have a lot of growing to do.

Change is imminent.

This space helps me do just that.

It heals me.

Oh, no... this is Earth... isn't it?

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Mon, 01 Dec 2014 11:39:00 +0000

What better way to jump back into blogging than with a fresh holiday helping of

Yes Ma'am! & ofcourse, being that it is the beginning of the week
we will be starting things off RIGHT.

You all know how I feel about starting things on Mondays...

Today will be dedicated to one of the most, delectable, fantastic, perfectly chiseled, wonderfully scruffy, godly powered, golden haired Aussie that there is.

That's right, you know who he is.

via

Chris. Hemsworth.

I mean, duh. Right?

via

Long hair, short hair..
It doesn't seem to make a difference on this guy.

via

Suit & Tie?
Yes please.

via via

Scruff McGruff Country Boy?
Yummy.

via

And seriously, those eyes tho.

via

No wonder he is People's Sexiest Man Alive this year...

via

I mean really..... duh. Right?

via via

(And for those un-seasoned female readers:)
Too old you say? I don't like his hair, I hate his scruff...

*Pssssssssssssst!*

Even though I might think your NUTS... I feel obliged to inform you.
This wonderfully beautiful piece of perfection does come
in a younger, slightly less scruffy version... his brother Liam:

via

Your welcome.
Now go enjoy your day, you've earned it.

Like a breath of fresh air

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Sun, 30 Nov 2014 10:47:00 +0000

So I'm not going to lie, writing the entire story down from start to finish was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.

But I'm SO glad that I did.

It was like closing a chapter. As I wrote that last paragraph I felt a weight lifted from me. It was all bottled up inside me for so long, but now.. its gone, & I can breathe again.

*sigh*

It feels nice.

Thank you to those who stuck with me through that, I know it was long and irritating. Trust me, it was the same for me.

I wasn't even posting links to my blog on the blog Facebook page because I have so many friends & family who would see it and at this point, I don't need it fresh on any of their minds for the holidays.

That said, I'm not hiding anything. It's there if anyone wants to read it.

I'm just not going to start a conversation with it.

My life is finally going back to normal.
I'm happy.
I'm at peace.

This was good for my soul.

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Thu, 27 Nov 2014 11:02:00 +0000

Did any of you watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this year?

We did. It was Kai's first time.. Man did he love it!
What I wouldn't give to be able to take him someday..

Here are some of our favorites from the Snapchat Feed:

Happy Thanksgiving!

A means to a bitter end, & a happier beginning...

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Thu, 27 Nov 2014 04:42:00 +0000

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Pt.10
A means to a bitter end, & a happier beginning...

Things were pretty quiet for months following. And I do mean months.
Tori pretty much kept her & her husband to her side of the apartment, & we kept to ours.

There was a few awkward exchanges here and there.
Even few times that things would seem almost normal,
but those were few and far between.

A few times I would hit my wits end with Tori. Her husband would come to me and explain that Tori was keeping him posted on things between Ryan & I and he was disappointed and frustrated with me for my patience. A few times I would mention my distaste for her attitude and lack of respect for me around the house. Her husbands response floored me:

"Well she is just really upset with the on goings of you two. She feels like you two have allowed your personal strife to leak into the household life, and its affecting her now as well. She just really feels uncomfortable with it all."

o_0

She's uncomfortable?

I'VE let it in to the household life?!

IT'S HALF BECAUSE OF HER I'M GOING THROUGH THIS!!

But I can't say that, because he still doesn't know. As much as I WANT to tell him. As much as I HATE that I have to lie by omission. As much as it KILLS me to watch Tori allow her husband to wander aimlessly through his life unaware of the betrayal right under his nose.. in his OWN HOUSE.

Disgusting. I hated myself for being even a part of it.

Which is why a few different times I almost told him. I would breakdown and subconsciously BEG him to ask me about it so that I could tell him. Would drop little hints and cues to cause a conversational reaction between the two of us, but it never happened.

That was part of my agreement with Tori. I would not say anything, because it was not my place to ruin her family for my personal revenge. I cared about Linnie way to much for that. It was on HER to own up to her mistake. But if her husband ever ASKED me.. I would not lie. I would tell the truth. And if Tori waited too long to own up, eventually I would give. If we got to a year later (Which at this point was when Ryan & I would hopefully be moved out) and she still hadn't told him, I wouldn't be able to stay quiet.

Which is basically what happened. After at least 3 separate times almost telling him, & him never actually asking me I broke. ( I found out later that EACH time I would almost tell him, instead of asking me, he would ask TORI. He would straight ASK her, "Are you the one Ryan had an affair with?" & she would lie to his face and say no. THREE TIMES.)

So when Tori went to a bachelorette party for her sister, leaving her husband home with me alone with me for the first time in forever, I took my chance. Now I will note, it didn't start as a "I'm going to tell him" kind of conversation.. but it definitely ended up that way. I still had moments of guilt for being the one to tell him, and in that fear I told him my whole story.. no holds barred.. incriminating myself along with Ryan and.. an un-named female. I just couldn't do it. I did everything I could to tell him the important parts without actually naming names.

I told him exactly how I felt, my pain, my guilt, my sadness... everything. And in the moment, that very close friend for the last SIXTEEN years was there for me.
He was patient. He was sincere. He was understanding.
He told me that in the end, I was in between a rock and a hard place with no good choice to make. He assured me that I'm only human and will make mistakes just like anyone else. That this situation was extremely difficult and severely out of my hands and he understood my lack of confidence and unsureness of what to do. He was on my side...
for the moment.

And that helped.

But again he never asked me. I came to the conclusion that aside from coming straight out with "Your wife had an affair with my husband." he was never going to know. I was extremely discouraged.

Oh was I wrong.

The next day I awoke to loud banging sounds and yelling. Still groggy from sleep I struggled out of bed just as the front door slammed shut. Confused I stumbled into the quiet, dark living room. It took a few minutes of standing there to realize there was a small sobbing coming from Tori's bedroom. I walked in to find her sitting on the edge of her bed.

"Tori?"

"He's gone."

"What's going on?"

"He took Linnie, & left. He's so mad. He's leaving Me. He knows!"

I didn't know how to react. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't have a large sigh of relief escape from me, but seeing Tori that destroyed broke my heart.

So I did what any normal, compassionate person would do. I sat with her. I held her. I calmed her as much as could and helped her breathe. I held her hand while she called her husband & listened patiently while he yelled and berated her. Then I wiped her tears and helped her make a plan. I was there for her, cause that is what friends do.

I may not make the best of choices all the time, but in the end I am a great friend.

After a few hours her husband finally sent me a text. It started out calm, escalating quickly to insults from him, chastising me. In the moment I was hurt, & I wanted very strongly to retaliate. But in the end I understood. He was dealing with alot of betrayal all at once and expressing his feelings as any normal person would in this situation. He was doing the one thing I wished for months and months that I had done and never did.

He was being ANGRY, as he was allowed.

I had never once got to be really angry. Or upset. Or really even hurt.

Things happened so rapidly for me that I felt I was under scrutiny to act appropriately or my world would tumble down. I had just had a baby. All I could think about was that little boy and not doing anything rash to screw up his future life. I grew up the oldest child of three, all from separate dads. We all had to shuttle around and live the split-family life. I did not want that for Kai. So I held on, fought my ass off, and did whatever was necessary to fix my marriage.

For a split moment I was jealous of him. For holding enough power in the relationship that he had with Tori that the thought of not having him brought her to her knees. That wasn't there for me. I was very torn... I was also very worried about my friend.

We had found out through a mutual acquaintance that after dropping Linnie of with family he had made his way to a local bar. Knowing he was going to be trashed very soon, I left Tori & Ryan at the apartment with Kai & went looking for him. I followed some hints around and found out eventually he had called another close friend and had been picked up and taken back to the friends house. He was safe, so I went home.

But then I received a text from him that would throw all of those feelings out the window.
What happened next I never saw coming.

I expected him to say Ryan couldn't stay there. That was a given. Which Ryan & I had discussed at length, to which we had decided he would sleep in his car if the situation ever arose. Ryan was fine with that, understood that it just made sense. We had already gotten a new apartment at this point and was waiting the 30 days for it to be available to move in. But what was demanded of us was not for Ryan's departure.. but myself & Kai's as well.

"I want you out Jaimie. Tonight."

"I'm sorry. I really don't care what you want, we don't have that ability."

"I don't give a shit. Gone. By tonight."

"Well you better give a shit. Cause I'm NOT leaving. I pay rent here and I will not be taking my 1 year old to live in my car for a month. I understand I've had a whole year longer to come to terms with what has happened, but you need to calm down."

"I don't have to do a damn thing I don't want to. This is on MY terms now. What I say GOES, OR ELSE. I get whatever I want now, MY rules."

"I'm sorry, but again. You need to calm down. I have no way to get out right away, but we get the keys to the apartment in less than 30 days. Pull up your big-boy britches and deal. You can threaten all you want, but I'm not afraid of you."

But the truth was, I think actually might have been scared. Even if it was just a little.
I didn't feel safe there. & I definitely didn't want my son anywhere near Tori's husband when he finally came home.

I was once again lost. confused. unsure.
I had no idea what my next move was.

I ended up calling my dad & begging him to let us stay in his new RV for the month. When he heard that I felt Kai was unsafe, there was no question. I called a few close girlfriends who dropped what they were doing and came over that night to help Tori and I pack my entire life up into boxes. During this Ryan had to leave to work, and felt horrible leaving us to take care of everything. I definitely cried a few times. But after a few hours everything was packed. Ryan's boss let him come home early and a work buddy let him borrow their truck so things could get done faster. Sooner than I thought I was sitting in my dad's house with half my things, the other half still sitting in the apartment with Tori, bawling my eyes out while rocking Kai to sleep.
I couldn't believe where my life had ended up.

Before I left, Tori had given me a hug.

"Thank you so much for being there for me and understanding through all of this."

"Ofcourse, I still love you."

"And I love you too. No matter what, please don't let this come between us..
Please can we stay friends?"

"Tori, if I haven't stopped talking to you yet what makes you think I'm going to start now?"

I meant every word.
So when the next few weeks went by with no contact, no communication, I started to wonder. When we received the keys to the apartment, I set a time to go retrieve the rest of my things. I was told that I was not allowed if her husband was there. I was not allowed to see Linnie either. I was NOT ALLOWED. I was shocked, but went about my way gathering my things, cleaning the room the best I could, and leaving on a good note.

A week or so later when I went to pick up mail that had made it there before our address change, I was appalled at the way Tori acted towards me. Cold. Distant. She informed me that she would lose her husband if he stayed friends with me, and that was that. No conversation, no I'm sorry. Just a shoulder shrug with her hands in her pockets. I began to cry and she laughed it off, Telling me how she was sorry I missed her but this was how it was going to be, then practically closing the door on me. After all the patience I had for her. All the ways I was there for her after what her poor choices put me through. All the ways that even after it all I still supported her.

Are you KIDDING me?!

I was heartbroken.

It took me days to bounce back from that emotional slap in the face. But when I did, it was like a whole new me. I decided to stop living my life sad about people who obviously aren't sad about losing me. I removed all pictures of Tori from my picture frames,
(which was a lot harder than it sounds. I have ALOT of them,
and am very attached to the photos I see everyday.)
I changed my daily routine. I worked day & night to get the house up to par by my standards. I went shopping and stocked up on all the things that Tori & I shared that I had chose to leave behind.

I made us a home of our OWN..

& since then I can't even explain to you the lightness I feel. That Ryan & I BOTH feel. Things are so much better now. Happier. We never realized how much the living situation was bringing us down! Even our relationship has flourished beyond compare.
We laugh, we love, we TALK. Communication is so much better now.
We can actually sit on the couch night after night, or go out on a date and actually enjoy time together.

It's so nice!

As much as I hate how we got here, I wouldn't change how things happened for anything. Ryan & I are better, stronger, and more in love than we ever were.

I wouldn't change that for the world.

Don't forget to check out
my photo blog Pocket Memories

Going down in Flames

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Tue, 11 Nov 2014 15:19:00 +0000

After re-living the last part to this story I had to step away for a bit. It affected me a lot more than I had expected, and when I had sat down to start part 9 I found a mental roadblock. It took a subtle yet well needed scolding from my good friend Mallori to realize I need to get my butt in gear and get this series done. Time to move on with my life. Thanks girlie..

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Pt.9
Going down in Flames

I honestly don't remember a lot of details after that moment.

All I remember is hearing a memory of my little sister Danielle's
voice from when I was in labor with Kai reminding me to breathe...

...Breathe Jaimie...

What is happening?

...in...

Why are my ears ringing?

...out...

I feel dizzy.

...in...

Maybe I should sit down.

...out...

"What are you saying Ryan? Do you want a divorce?"

I looked up at him in disbelief of the question I was having to ask.

"Yes? No.. Shit.. No! I don't know! It's just, I'm just... I'm not happy Jaimie!"

As I watched this man, who had promised to love and care for me for the rest of our lives, to have and to hold through better or worse till death do us part, struggle with the confusion of emotions he was experiencing all I felt was a wave of hurt.

But not just for myself, for Ryan as well. I could see he was lost.

I love this man, with every fiber of my being. He had been my better half for over a decade. So though it may be hard for many others to understand, in that moment I felt compassion. I felt understanding. I felt LOVE.

MY love.

In that moment, when Ryan sank to his knees in front of me placing his head on my lap I could feel his pain as he began to cry.

"I don't know... Jaimie. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have told you like that. I don't want to lose you baby, ofcourse not. I'm so sorry, I was just mad. But I AM unhappy Jaimie. I don't know why, but I am. I have been for awhile now, I just didn't know how to tell you... Please forgive me baby, please... I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt you."

He still loved me.

I knew it right then. In 11 years Ryan had never had anything anywhere close to a moment of weakness like this. 11 years Ryan had never slipped up in this way. 11 years...

My decision was made.

I was not going to let whatever this was take away the last decade of happiness. I was not going to let a moment of weakness destroy the life we had built together.

I was going to fight.

& I was going to save us.

Or at least go down in flames trying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next few days were shaky, and awkward.

Ryan & I were so cautious around each other it was almost painful. What made it worse was the fact that we were still living with Tori & her husband. We had to sit by quietly watching Tori go on in her relationship unscathed. Meanwhile Ryan & I are fighting for our lives to keep our marriage hanging on by the few threads it had left. We had good days, and we had bad. But the bad often would lean more toward horrible, & being that Tori's husband was a long time friend of mine he would notice the ongoing, knew something big had happened, and was concerned. But for the first time in 16 years, I wouldn't talk to him. I couldn't confide in him, and that set him on unease. So he would ask Tori, trying to get some answers from her. Not knowing quite what to do she began to tell him half-truths. Painting Ryan as this horrid guy, and pushing her husband to believe that maybe I need to move on with my life.

Because if he was focusing on how horrible my marriage was,
he would never think twice about his own.

Then Ryan tried leaving, twice. As in packing an overnight, kissing Kai goodbye. The first time I was able to calm him down and see reason. To talk to me instead of yelling. The second time wasn't so simple. The second time he actually made it out the door, while I'm crying on our bedroom floor feeling that this might actually be it.

What stopped him?

Was it my tears heard through our window? Was it the thought of his baby boy waking up and not having his daddy to cuddle? No. I will give you one guess.

Running out the door and begging him to talk to her, Tori was the only thing that calmed him. The only thing that brought him back inside. And with a kiss and a plea to
stay for her is the only reason my husband slept in our bed that night.

I love and hate her for that moment.

On one of our better moments I noticed Tori & Ryan really not getting along again. Wondering if I did something to provoke the mood swing I asked Tori what was wrong. Her answer could not have shocked me more...

"I'm kinda over it Jaimie. Seriously. When we started this it was an escape, a release. Something forbidden, exciting, & fun. But since you found out it has been nothing but turmoil and strife and I just don't need that in my life!"

0_o

"Well I'm so sorry that telling me the truth has caused you so much stress Tori."

"Don't even be like that Jaimie. Besides, I was attracted to Ryan because of how he has always treated you. Watching how he has been the past few weeks towards you is kind of a turn off, to be honest."

This was the point where I was mentally struggling with the urge to laugh out loud at her absolute lack of tact, and the need to scratch out her eyeballs for thinking I give a damn that she is stressed out by this.

But it was in that moment that I saw my solution.

Over the next few days I made a request of both Tori & Ryan.

It was the start of December, my favorite time of the year. This is the time when I'm constantly cooking & baking & party planning. I wanted nothing more than to have a stress free holiday. So I asked that they take a complete break from each other for the month. Ending after my birthday on the 1st of January.
All I wanted for Christmas & my birthday was my normal life.
That was it.

They both understood and things were peaceful for two whole weeks. Ryan & I even seemed happier, better. We took a trip to Spokane for 4 days and had a blast,
laughing and loving like we hadn't in months.

When we got back home I told Ryan I felt great, and felt like we were doing so much better. I understood it was the holidays and that Tori was, first and foremost his friend as well. So I was okay with them at least being able to talk to each other. This made Ryan so happy, and made him even better and more open towards me. But Tori could feel the difference in us. I'm not sure she liked it, but I'm not sure she didn't either. I could tell she wasn't entirely comfortable with how comfortable we were with each other.

You see, Ryan & I, we are a weird set of human beings. We don't function the way normal people do under society rules. We understand mistakes are mistakes, and as human beings we are bound to make them. We also understand that in each other we find the solace and respect of not only a lover, but a best friend. Because of that we have realized over the years that if we can get to a point where we can joke about a situation that has previously brought us down we can control it more. If we can laugh and poke fun at it then it no longer holds power over us.

Not everybody likes this about us.
(oh well.)

One particular example is while we were decorating the tree, I made an off-hand comment to Ryan that we should look into a couples swinger cruises. Why not?
Meet some new people, have some fun, let our freak flag fly!

Now not that I'm completely against this idea since, as I have said before it was never the sex that upset me, but the disloyalty.. but in that moment I was joking, and it was VERY obvious. Ryan & I were laughing at the notion when I noticed Tori become standoffish. Very shortly afterward she locked herself in her room in a hissyfit of frustration.

Ryan later got her to fess up that she was mad that he was talking about going on a cruise with me. Meeting other people with me. Possibly sleeping with someone other than her.

Seriously?!

But I left it alone. I didn't get mad. I didn't even mention it.

And then my Christmas party happened.

Every year I throw a Christmas party for all of our close friends. I make a full dinner, with ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and a few sides and everyone brings a side or dessert to share. We drink wine, play games, exchange white elephant gifts, generally just enjoy each others company.

But this time was different.

There was a tension in the air that EVERYONE could feel. And as much as I was trying to busy myself in the kitchen and focus on my guests, I couldn't help but notice the frustration radiating off Ryan. The upset look Tori had glued to her face. The fact that a few different times they would disappear into our room only to emerge even more irritated.

I was pretty sure I knew what was happening. A few days before I had noticed a post from Tori on her Tumblr that had caught my attention.

(Trust me, I'm aware of the immature nature of that situation, just roll with it.)

She had posted a picture that she had obviously made that rang a little to slap-in-the-face. Just words on a background, but enough to leave a mark.

To the guy who said
"I don't sleep around.
I don't have sex with just anyone."

Yeah your full of shit.

That might not be exact (It was almost a year ago) but it's the same idea.

I had pointed this out to Ryan as I was pretty sure he had told me he had said those exact words to Tori during one of there many times together. This was obviously directed at him because of the "swingers cruise" ordeal. I understood when this upset him, but I asked him to wait till after the party to talk to her about it...
Something told me he hadn't waited.

When it got to the point where some of my closest girlfriends where noticing as well, I slapped on a smile & silently excused myself to the room where they where shouting at each other.

"What. In the world. Are you two THINKING?!"

The both looked at me like I was insane.

"I had to talk to her about the picture Jaimie, I had to."

"We have GUESTS. Close friends who are NOT oblivious to your two's ridiculous displays of frustration towards each other and false sense of assumption that nooooo one is noticing you slinking off to our room and yelling so loud we can all hear you through the walls! I don't give a shit WHAT your doing just KNOCK. IT. OFF. One day. I asked for ONE DAY.
You two can be so utterly selfish I SWEAR to GOD."

And with that I turned and walked back out the door without another glance at their stunned faces. Of course I noticed the sudden flurry of conversation our friends started the second I was back in the living area, but I was to upset to care. And embarrassed beyond belief. And sad... very sad.

So I shut off. My smile became that of a Stepford wife. I rolled on with the rest of the night and the next few weeks to come like nothing in the world could dent my day.

I had to. Because I knew what was coming. I knew I was on the verge of a breakdown.
I knew I was reaching the end of my patience. And with the end of my patience, would come the end to this hell on earth I was living.

I was done. Done being sad. Done walking on eggshells. Done feeling like I WAS THE ONE who had done something wrong. Done watching my life catch fire every few days while hers was still calm and content. Done with having to lie everyday about what was going on in my life.

I. Was. DONE.

When everything finally came to fruition, everyone would know the truth.
One way or another, I would be done with this situation.

(To be continued...)

Joey... why is there a book in the freezer?

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Wed, 24 Sep 2014 13:00:00 +0000

Just another serving of

with this weeks shout out going to the stunningly beautiful miss

Jennifer Aniston

I mean, seriously. She's GORGEOUS.

...She's adorable...

...She's sexy...

...She's trendsetting...

(you know you wanted that "Rachel" cut)

She's just too much awesome not to be on the list.

Plus, I mean.. Come on:

It's like the woman never ages!

Seriously.. what I would pay to look even a HINT that amazing..

I'm insanely jealous.
She's absolutely my #WCW gal.

Plus she not afraid to be funny:

We love you Jen, stay fabulous.

Shades of Foggy Grey

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Wed, 24 Sep 2014 09:02:00 +0000

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Pt.8
Shades of Foggy Grey

From that point on a lot happened. Most of which I can honestly say I don't remember. Not just that day but in the weeks that followed. Moments stand out furiously in my memory, when things when get extreme in one way or another.. But I couldn't put it into a timeline if I wanted to. It's all way to choppy.

I do remember telling Tori and Ryan that I wanted 1 day. 1 more day of normal before my life went to shit. So That Sunday we got a babysitter, and the three of us played boardgames and got drunk in my dad's RV where we were staying.

Did I really need that? Yes. 100%
Was it a smart idea? Absolutely not.
Did I have fun? Most of the night..

At one point after many many shots, I came to the conclusion that this had obviously gone on for this long without my knowledge, So who was to say it wouldn't continue? I decided then to adopt the "Keep your friends close & your enemies closer" mantra. Maybe if I seemed more open to accept what they had done then i could become more in control of the situation. If they felt I wouldn't react negatively then they might be less likely to hide things from me.

So I began to have them kiss here and there. On like a spin-the-bottle / take a shot-give a kiss kind of way. Like a drinking game. I can only assume my train of thought was to see how much I could handle. How I would feel about seeing them together, and possibly desensitize myself.

Trust me, I'm aware how ridiculous that sounds.
I plead insanity.

But as the night progressed so did the game, and the actions it entailed. The next morning along with a nasty hang over come the feeling of confusion and disgust at the things I had been a part of. What had I done? Lets just say in that moment I was no longer just a victim to the crimes, I was an accomplice.

Tori & Ryan were completely ecstatic. To them I had joined the team. I was a part of their little world. A polyamourous third in their new adventures. They spent the next 2 weeks setting up secret meetings for the three of us at restaurants and parks so Tori's husband wouldn't know. Doing everything they could to convince me that this was meant to be. That Tori & I had always been so close we called each other "Wifey" so why not make it real? It wasn't completely unheard of, and it just felt right!

But it didn't.

Where they were so happy I was so lost.
And scared.
I genuinely thought that if I was to be honest about how I felt I would lose one or both of them. If I was to say just how wrong I thought this was, how disgusted I was at being part of the betrayal of Tori's husband, how much it hurt to watch Ryan put his arm around her..

I felt I had no one to turn to for guidance.

Again I called Summer.
She was the only person I could think of that would be non-judgemental. The only one that Knew I could cry to uncontrollably and not be laughed at when my decision was not to leave the situation. And thank god I did, she was my savior. Her gentle words of understanding and compassion were a god send during the time that followed.

Pretty quickly I was able to let Tori & Ryan know I was uncomfortable with "3-is-a-couple" thing when Tori asked me if I would officially be her girlfriend. That was my final straw. I took a step back from everything telling them that it was all to much and that I couldn't stop them from what they were doing, but I wasn't a part of it anymore.

However, I did mention that should things continue between the two of them, I was to know. Tori choosing to lie to her husband was on her, but i was giving Ryan the chance to not lie anymore to me.

This went on for awhile. And as Tori refused to tell her husband about what had happened, and Ryan & I had no other options we continued with our previous plans of moving in together.

(Again, Insanity plea as already been entered.)

At first this worked okay, but not to soon after Tori became unhappy. In her words:

"I'm just not comfortable with you knowing everything that's going on. Not to be rude, but what happens between Ryan & I is our business, not yours."

Excuse me?

What your telling me, is that you want privacy?
While you sleep with my husband?

She must have been out of her damn mind.

And I promptly told her exactly that.
She didn't like that so much...

I informed her that it was infact rude, and selfish to assume that I would give her ANY privacy in the matter after everything that had come to pass. Ryan WOULD give me the respect I deserve and tell me whatever I want to know. I mean I AM HIS WIFE, not her. End of story.

So to exact a passive-aggressive "revenge" if you will, Tori started making Ryan pay for my actions that she felt were not to her liking. Giving him the cold shoulder. Not participating the way she normally would in conversations. Even avoiding him & I both, locking herself and Linnie in her room all night.

This wouldn't have been a big deal to me, but to Ryan it really hurt. In turn, he began to take his frustrations out on me. Becoming impatient & unkind for no reason. Un-attentive and offish during normal "us" things. Nasty and cruel during fights.

One such fight, he broke.

I couldn't even tell you what it was about, definitely something small and unworthy of such a reaction, but your heart can make you crazy.

I knew he had hit bottom when he said the one thing I had been dreading.

"That's it Jaimie! I can't do this! I love you, I always will, but we have grown apart! I'm not IN love with you anymore, okay? We are DONE Jaimie! DONE."

My world, in that moment went silent.

(To be continued..)

The Ultimate Betrayal

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Wed, 17 Sep 2014 08:41:00 +0000

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Pt.7
The Ultimate Betrayal

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. Everything seemed to disappear.
Including the ground beneath my feet.

There was no way I heard her correct.
There was no way Tori would have done that,
There's no way Ryan would have lied.

You must have missed something. There has got to be a reason or something that will make this all make sense. There is no way that this is as bad as it sounds. I mean its just sex, right? Yeah. It's no big deal. Breathe.

"Okay...Okay. Sure.. So that happened. No big deal. Sex is sex,right? When did it happen?"

...silence.

When I looked at Tori her face was pained.

"Which time?"

Oh, ouch.
Okay.
There's still gotta be something here that I haven't caught.
Some good reason why they never told me... why they lied...

"How many times were there, Tori?"

I saw her wince with the small amount of acid I was
unable to keep from my voice when saying her name.

"Jaimie.."
"How many times Tori?"
"Just slow down."
"Tori. How many? Twice? Three times?"

She gazed down at her feet unable to meet my stare.

"Every Saturday for the last 2 months."

There it was. The final punch to the gut.
I couldn't believe it.
Two months.
Two months?!

The math calculated quickly in my head.
All the pieces falling together in an instantaneous light-bulb of clarity.

The last two months.
That means Kai was only about a month old when the first time happened.
My grip on Kai slackened.

"You need to take Kai."
"What?"
"Tori."
"Jaimie, are you sure?"
"Tori, take Kai right now. NOW."

As she reached over cautiously I released Kai to her.

"After what I just told you, are you sure you want me to hold your son?'

My brain was clear. There was no confusion.

After everything I had done for her. Every moment I had spent. Doctors appointments. Birthing classes. Emergency rooms. Acupuncturists. Baby Showers.. Making sure I was there for her, supporting her in every way I could before AND After her daughters birth...
And THIS was the way she felt like returning the favor?!

"Oh Yeah, Tori. I do. Because right now I want to kill you. Right now I want to scratch out your eyes and rip out all your hair. Right now, I cannot trust myself to not make a choice I will regret later. Right now, My son is the ONLY thing keeping me from hurting you."

At this point I stood and walked away from her, calling Ryan.

"Hello?"
"You have about 2 seconds to get in your car and get your ass here before I murder her. Do you understand me?"
"Yeah."
"Good"
*Click*

I needed to walk. I needed to calm down. I really needed to breathe.
Suddenly I was taken off guard by a small tap on my knee

"NiNi?"

It was Linnie. She was looking up at me with a very worried look.

"NiNi? Whats wrong? Are you okay?
Are you mad at mommy? Mommy what did you do? Mommy says sorry to NiNi!!"

I couldn't help but smile, this little girl was so precious.

"NiNi come swing with me, it will make you happy."

So I did. Without another word I left Kai with Tori and allowed Linnie to lead me by the hand towards the swings were we played for about 10 minutes before I was calm enough to head back near Tori.

"Thank you pumpkin."
"Your welcome NiNi."

As I walked away feel my heart swell for this little girl. How much this simple act of selfishness could rip her world in two. My heart breaks even more.

Looking up in Tori's direction I noticed Ryan's car pull up. I met him next to his car.

"Are you kidding me?"
"Jaimie, I'm so sorry.."
"Are you FUCKING kidding ME?!"
"I Know, I Know.."
"I can't fucking BELIEVE you Ryan! You had me thinking I was CRAZY! You had me thinking that it was all me! That I was seeing things where I shouldn't and was so wrong to not believe you! AND THEN you SWORE on Kai! On our SON!!"
"I know.. I have no idea what I was thinking.."
"You weren't thinking."
"I know, Baby.. I'm so sorry.."
"Don't. Don't 'baby' me right now, okay? I am SO not okay with you right now."
"I know.. All I can say is I'm so sorry.."
"Then just stop talking. Seriously. I just can't take it... Seriously, TORI?!"

At that moment I walked back toward Tori with Ryan following behind.

"I want to know everything."
"What?!"
"Everything, Tori."
"Jaimie, I don't.."
"EVERYTHING god dammit!"

And then I sat, and listened. While a chronological detailed play-by-play was weaved by the two most important people in my life about the biggest betrayal I had ever experienced. I never said a word. I didn't cry. I just listened.

"The thing is I never stopped loving you Jaimie, I swear. I still love you, absolutely from the bottom of my heart. I just also love her too."

I watched Tori's face register complete shock
while that last statement knocked me off guard.

"Excuse me? You what? You LOVE her?"
"Yes. Absolutely."

THAT was my undoing.

"Oh, my god. Oh my god! Seriously? So you love her! Oh, That makes it all make sense! Cause that thing that we took the last 11 years building and making into a feeling that was undeniable, so unbreakable, so un-imitated.. you guys guys have that already! After such a short time too! Wow.. it must be meant to be.."
"Jaimie, don't be like that."
"No! Really Ryan! I mean, seriously it MUST be! Because why else on EARTH would you throw away every bit of honesty and TRUST that we had in our ELEVEN YEARS together, huh?! It would HAVE to be for fate! Right?!
Because you two LOVE each other! That has to be it! Because otherwise I might just lose my damn MIND if its just because you wanted to try something new!"

But as I said this I look in Tori's direction and register the shock on her face.
"What Tori? What?! You didn't want him to tell me?
Didn't want him to break the news that your in love?"

"I...uhm..I'm..not.."

Then I realize. It's not shock of Ryan telling me his feelings.. it's from hearing them herself. I know Tori, and she was not aware of the depth of Ryan's feelings.. and something was telling me she wasn't quite on the same wavelength.

"Tori?"
"It's just... no! I do care for you Ryan!"
"But..."
"But.. I've told you. I still love my husband.."
"I know, & I still love Jaimie. But.."
"Buuuut... I don't know Ryan! Love? This was just supposed to be fun! A getaway... Love?"
"But Tori!"

And in that moment, I broke. My brain lost it's ability to function properly. In that moment watching my husband, the love of MY life try to iron out the relationship status he has with his mistress who happens to be my best FRIEND..I lost it.

And I began to laugh.

Not just giggle.. not a polite I-can-hide-it kind of laugh.
I was LAUGHING. Full on grabbing my sides, tears in my eyes laughing.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh.. but seriously. This is to much!"

Ryan and Tori just watched while I got myself somewhat under control.
But my laughing had caught Linnie's attention and she came running over.

"Aunt Nini, whats so funny? Oh! Uncle RyRy! Hi! Have you come to play?"
"Oh, No baby girl. Not today."
"Oh, have you come to talk to mommy?
"Yeah, I'm sorry baby."
"We are going to get going soon, okay Linnie? So get all your swinging and sliding done now before we have to go."
"Okay NiNi!"

As I watched her run off a thought occurred to me.

"Where was Linnie."
"What do you mean?"
"Where was Linnie when all this was happening?
I know you didn't leave her home, I never babysat."
"No... She was with us."
"With you?!"
"Well, she would stay in my car.."
"..And we would go into mine."

I was appalled.

"So you would just leave Linnie, in the car by herself.. So you two could go mess around?"
"Well, yeah.. But she would have a movie or my phone for games. Most of the time she would be asleep since it was so late."
"And we would leave the window down so we could hear her."

They said this like it made it better.

"So more than likely, since you could hear her..
it could be assumed that if she was awake she could hear you."

Neither of them had an answer.

I looked directly at Tori. I no longer cared if what I was about to say was going to piss her off. I had heard enough.

"Bad mommy. Bad friend, Bad mommy. And YOU.."
as I turned to Ryan.
"Bad uncle for not thinking about anyone else but yourselves."

I couldn't handle anymore.

We might have talked a little more but I don't remember any of it. I remember being asked what I wanted to do next. Tori was fully prepared for me to tell her husband, who she was sure would promptly leave her.

"No, Tori. that's the thing. I do try my best to think about how my actions will hurt others. Sometimes I don't, but most of the time I make it a priority. In this case, all I can think about is your beautiful daughter, and how this horrible decision on your part could ruin her entire life. No, I refuse to be the one that drops that bombshell on her life. YOU will be the one to tell your husband and break his heart. YOU will be the one who has to look into his eyes and tell him that he was wrong to put all his trust into you. YOU, not me. I will not tell him. But you will. And you better not let this go on and on. If a year from now I'm still sitting with the elephant in the room because you can't man up yourself I WILL press the issue. I WILL put you in a situation where you have no choice but to tell him. Do you understand me?"

All I got was a head nod.

We agreed that I needed time to myself and that Ryan would take Kai. We agreed that we would go about things as planned before for the time being while Tori built up the courage to tell her husband. Why I agreed to that I will never know. I think at that point I was needing some control, and the "keep your enemies closer" mantra was on a replay loop in my brain.

When we all packed up and got into our cars to leave my brain went foggy. I almost couldn't remember how to start my car. I honestly shouldn't have been driving but I needed to get as far away from that place as possible.

As I drove I knew I needed to clear my head. I needed to process everything that just happened so that I could think straight. Normally I would call Tori and think out loud with her input to help the process, but that was obviously out of the question.

I had no idea what to do.

I honestly don't even remember dialing the phone,
but the next thing I know Summer is on my speaker phone.

(*For those of you who don't know, Summer is not another "best friend." I don't ever call her that, because she is so much more. We have known each other since we were around two years old and she may not always be my favorite person in the whole world, but we would go to the end of the earth and more for one another. She's not another best friend, She is my sister.*)

"Ryan has been having an affair for the last 2 and a half months with Tori."

...There was a brief pause...

"Excuuuse me?"

And then I began to cry.

"Tell me your talking about the Tori from his work..."
"You have no idea how much I wish I was."

Through sobs as I clumsily drove home I began to relive that last 2 hours to her in the quickest form I could. By the end I was so overcome with the emotions I had held in I was barely able to breathe through my tears.

"Oh my gawd."

My thoughts exactly.

(To be continued...)

Don't forget to check out
my photo blog Pocket Memories

Ever since Songs about Jane...

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Mon, 15 Sep 2014 12:00:00 +0000

Just to start our week off on good note, This weeks addition to

Adam Levine

I honestly don't need to say much..

He sings, he dances, he plays many instruments...

He loves cars

and yoga

and dogs

He's 50% of one of the greatest Bromance of all time

And he looks great with or without a shirt on...

Dressed in a suit & tie

or in nothing at all for that matter!

Ohhhh my... YUM!

Your welcome.
Have a nice day ladies

;)

*All pics and GIFs thanks to Google image search*

10 things about angels in a river that runs 500 days of summer.

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 13:00:00 +0000

It's that time of the month again..
No not THAT time of the month, I'm talking about the time we actually enjoy:

It's time for

& today, my #ManCrushMonday goes out to

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Yes I'm talking about that little goober from "3rd rock from the Sun"

that we all wanted to find cute

but wasn't sure if we were supposed to...

Trust me, your supposed to.

How could you not love that smile??

I mean come on, the guy makes glasses, bow-ties, & grandpa sweaters sexy!

(Kinda like another #MCM dude I know... )

Plus, under all the his body ain't bad either...

He looks sexy in a suit.

He looks sexy Scruffy.

He's even sexy doing.. what ever this is he's doing, And I want to join him.

Ladies underwear? Sure, Why the hell not?

Now that's a man.

I don't prefer it.. but I'm not complaining either.

He's confident & silly

Plus, anyone who can hold their own up next to Miss Scarlett and still look that sexy??

AAAAAAAAAANNNND he can sing?!?

0.o

Yes Sir! Okay, take me now.

Want a few more juicy tidbits?
Check out THIS article for 42 more pieces of proof.

Mmmm....Yummy.

*Various pictures and videos taken from Google, Buzzfeed, and Youtube.*

And my world stopped spinning

noreply@blogger.com (Jaimie) — Sat, 30 Aug 2014 06:11:00 +0000

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Pt.6
And my world stopped spinning.

Now that I had figured it out, things started to fall into place.

The way he was dressing, the way he was talking, the way he was acting..
It all made sense.

Ryan, liked Tori.

I was no longer confused, I know my husband.
This is what was going on.

But why would he hide that?
Something so small as a crush.. I never have cared before?

Then I began to think about it. Maybe it was because this was TORI we were talking about. My best friend. I could see how maybe he felt a bit awkward confessing that.

The next time I talked to Tori I mentioned it to her.

"What are you talking about? No, no way. We are just friends."

As I tried to convince her she gave me reason after reason why it couldn't be true.
How he loves me and no one else and hes just in a funk.
"Just be patient, he will go back to normal soon."

But I was already convinced.

I never mentioned it to Ryan because I didn't want to embarrass him. If he wanted to talk to me he would, so I just left it alone. I started to to feel better, silly even at how worried I had been. What was I thinking? This was RYAN. He has never done anything to hurt me, in 11 years. Even after everything I have put him through, he had always been good to me. Such a worrywort I had been, when it turned out to be nothing but a simple crush.

Eventually, Tori decided to stage an "intervention" of sorts. A marriage mediation. Where Ryan & I could talk about what was going on and how we were feeling with a middle man there to help. I had done this for Tori & her husband many times before, so this wasn't weird to us, and could be really helpful. So we agreed.

After 4 hours of yelling, crying, and talking it out Ryan and I both had a list in hand of things we were going to work on, to try to make things better. To give us a fighting chance. As we were getting ready to leave Tori looked at me and said:

"See? I told you he still loves you."

"I never said I didn't think he loved me Tori, I just think he also likes you. And its ok, it's better than what I thought was happening!"

Ryan was taken aback,
"What did you think was happening, Jaimie?"

"Honestly? I thought you were having an affair with Missy from work. I mean, that's what it seemed like! But now I see, its just Tori! You have a crush on Tori, and babe it's ok! Tori is awesome, why wouldn't you? Honestly, you could be having an affair with Tori and I would never know! ahaha Though that does make a little more sense then Missy. I mean, You and Tori are so much alike, you get along great, you have the same humor.. honestly if we all wern't married I would say you would make the perfect couple! ahaha."

They both just stared at my wide eyed.

"Oh! I'm not saying that is what is happening! I'm just saying it made sense if it was."

They both awkwardly laughed and told me that was never an option for them. We shook it all off and went home, with hopes of better days to come.

But as the days went by, nothing really changed.
Just in my clarity I began to notice even more.

It wasn't just Ryan who was acting strange. So was Tori.
I must have thrown her off by telling her how I felt,
but even her husband noticed and pointed it out to me one evening.

"Somethings going on with Ryan & Tori."

When I asked him to elaborate, he began telling me that he had noticed Tori being on her phone more and more. More secretive. Whenever he would ask her about it she would only respond with "nothing." He then told me he had mentioned Ryan and Tori had become very defensive.

"I know my wife, Jaimie. Something is up."

So I explained to him how Ryan & I had been having some issues, and how Tori had been helping us out, a middle person in a way. I've known Tori's husband for a long time, and was comfortable talking to him about it.

"I think in a way, Ryan might have developed a bit of a crush because of it."

We both laughed at this, cause it made perfect sense. I told him how I had talked to them both about it and how that could be making things a bit odd for the moment, just to give her some space on the subject. He agreed, and things seemed okay.

Then Ryan & I went to Spokane, and on the drive there were got in an argument about the whole situation. It wasn't very good.

"I can't believe you Jaimie!"
"Well Ryan! What did you expect?
That I would just ignore that you were acting like that?"
"Well did you have to go and make the whole situation awkward by saying something to Tori? I mean really Jaimie, now she is so uncomfortable."
"What? What about how I was feeling Ryan? Why are you so damn worried about Tori?! Are you sleeping with Tori, Ryan? Was I right?"
"No dammit! Nothing is going on with Tori or anyone else! Just stop!"
"Oh Really? Swear."
"What?!"
"Swear Ryan! Swear to God! Swear on Kai that nothing is going on between you two!"
"Yes! Now leave it alone!"
"Yes what?!"
"Yes Jaimie! I swear on Kai! Okay? Is that what you want?! Fuck!"

In that moment I knew something was wrong, because Ryan began to cry.

"Oh, oh. Hunny.. I'm so sorry."
"Just stop Jaimie, okay?"
"Yeah, okay. I'm really sorry baby. Really..."

I had pushed him to far.

The rest of the weekend things were actually better. We made a no phone, no tech agreement for the weekend and just enjoyed each other. Honestly it was the happiest I had been in months.. Same for Ryan. We had some much fun, and were so close. We cuddled and laughed and flirted. We played together like we were teenagers in that first month together. It was fantastic.

On the trip home we held hands, we laughed, we stopped on the side of the freeway to kiss under the stars. I was convinced we had hit our breaking point and survived. When I knew we were close to home, I made a request:

"Babe?"
"mmHmm?"
"Please don't tell Tori about what happened on the way here. Please.. I feel horrible. I'm sure shes worried on why we didn't talk to her the whole trip, but she will understand when she sees that things are so much better. Just please don't tell her... okay?"

I could tell I had re-hit a nerve and didn't want to upset him again, so I left it at that.
He agreed, and we drove the rest of the way home in comfortable silence.

The next few days were relatively normal. I had visited the realtor a few times and had some new prospects for moving and wanted to show them to Tori. We agreed to meet at a local park so that Linnie could play while we talked and went over the houses I had found. Kai was only 3 or 4 months old at the time, so he would sit with us.

When I got there Tori was sitting on a park bench with all her stuff ready. I was on the phone with Ryan letting him know where I was at. As I sat Tori began handing me a notebook.

"Your with Tori?"
"Yeah. We are going to go over the houses the realtor gave us"

*looking at Tori*
("What is this?")
("Just read it, outloud.")
"Oh, Okay. Well let me know how it goes."

I had read what Tori had written on the paper, and wasn't thrilled.

"Okay I will baby.. No Tori, I'm not reading that outloud."
"What?"
"Nothing, Tori just has me holding this piece of
paper that she wants me to read outloud."
"Oh? Whats it say?"
"Oh, Ugh. It says.."
("No! When your off the phone!") Tori whispered.

I looked at her, feeling so confused, but waited to read it.

"Okay babe, nevermind. I gotta go.. Tori's acting crazy.
I'll message you in a bit, ok? Love ya."

"Ok. I Love you Jaimie.... so much. Text me soon"

When I hung up I looked at Tori.
"What is your deal? I am not reading that outloud."
"Jaimie, Please.."

The paper she had handed me had a very short statement written.

~Do you swear on Linnie & Kai, That you have never slept with Ryan.~

"No! I know what your doing! Ryan already told me, I know. I'm acting crazy, I'm sorry.. Just let it go. okay? uugh. Lets look at these houses."

"Jaimie. Read it. Outloud, please."

Apparently she wasn't going to let this go. I knew what was happening. She was going to make me read this out loud, word for word, so that she could say "yes, I swear." And then scold me for doubting her. It was going to be a long conversation about trust and friendship and honesty.

Ugh.

"Fine lets get this over with so we can look at these houses. Tori,
Do you swear on Linnie & Kai, that you have never slept with Ryan?"

I gave her the most exasperated why-are-you-making-me-do-this look that I could muster while gently bouncing Kai in my lap.

The look she gave me stopped me cold.

"No, Jaimie. I don't."

(To be continued..)