Leiki Kiki

Help Make Me Famous!

2012-05-31T23:54:00.001-04:00

Well, more famous I suppose.

VOTE HERE!

You see, there is a photo contest going on right now over at Modern Cat Magazine. The Grand Prize winner gets their picture on the cover of the magazine's premier print issue and I'd really love to win so that everyone in the world can fall in love with me and help me ~~take over the human population~~ be pretty.

VOTE HERE!

This is a really fair contest - you can only vote once per network, so if you have two computers on the same internet connect, it will only count as one vote. However, if you have a computer, a cellphone and a library near you, you can vote three times! If you really love me, you can travel around to different places and vote for me at each place.

VOTE HERE!

Right now, I'm tied for first place against a cat named OJ that lives at a vet clinic. While I'm sure that he'd love to win, I would love it more. He has a ton of clients to vote for him, I have only you - my faithful and wonderful readers.

VOTE HERE!

If you vote for me and comment on this post, I'll send you a personalized signed photo via email! How cool is that? Then you can print it out, frame it and pretend that I'm sitting in your living room with you.

VOTE HERE!

Just in case you missed it, you can vote for me here: http://www.moderncat.com/photocontest/cats/2012/05/31/meowzers

Thanks!
-TKAL

Obligatory Valentine's Post

2012-02-16T23:08:00.000-05:00

For me, posting around Valentine's Day is something that I feel I am obliged to do. You see, just over a year ago, the male let the female get a cat as a Valentine's Day present and they chose me. Out of all the young kittens, adults, fluff balls, nut jobs and lazy butts, they decided to bring me home. I have rifled through their emails enough to know that they did look at others; they really had no prerequisites in what they wanted. I can only assume it was fate that brought us all together.

Enough of that cheesy stuff now, onto the real post. As exquisit, inquisitive, single feline, I feel much the same way that most of the human equivalents of myself feel around this time of year. No, not the desire to be with someone, nor to fill my face with sweet things that some desperate soul brought me, rather how downright creepy the whole thing can be. I will now prove my point through the wonderful art of music.

Many of your "love songs" fall right into the creepy category. How many of you have listened to a song and said, "I wish my boyfriend/husband/whatever was like that"? To that I say, actually listen to the words - all of them. When you do this, you will realize that your dream significant other may very well be a perverted psychopath (sorry to any musicians that I offend with this post, perhaps you shouldn't take it to seriously... after all, I am a cat).

Example #1

The Police - Every Breath You Take

The female apparently remembers dancing to this at different functions during her youth, although I believe she was a tad too young for that. Who knows though, maybe 80s music made a comeback in the 90s.

This one is just too easy, I'm not even going to bother typing out all of the lyrics. Just pretend that you're saying these words to someone you love... right before they run away screaming.

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Can't you just picture Sting hanging around some bushes infront of your bedroom window muttering this to himself?

Example #2

Adam Cohen - What Other Guy

This song is the one that brought on the idea for this entire post. The female is slightly addicted to CBC Radio 2 and has a bit of a crush on this guy's father, Leonard Cohen, even though he is old enough to be her grandfather (maybe we'll get onto that topic in another post... she also has a crush on Kris Kristofferson). So it's no surprise that when this song comes on, she starts singing along and probably dances, I'm not sure of that last part because I run out of the room whenever she gets up while music is playing for fear that she'll try to dance with me like she does with those mutts.

Anyways, onto the lyrics. This is just a small sampling, but pretty much the entire song goes like this. Google the lyrics or click on the link to watch the video.

I know how many years of French you took

your favorite movies, your favorite books

I know what really gets you going… glowing

I know where you go with your beautiful friends

I know what you taste like when the night ends

I know the kind of thing that makes you laugh

the way you tilt your head for a photograph

what other guy knows you like that?

And I can name the first guy you ever kissed

I can name the perfume on your wrist

What other guy knows you like that?

Very romantic in theory, who doesn't want a guy that knows everything about you? But think about it a little bit. How does he know all of this? Did he call your parents and ask? Did he break into your apartment or rifle through your medicine cabinet while pretending to pee? Did he look at every picture of you on Facebook? Yes, I do know this song is about a specific person, but still...

Example #3

The Ramones - Needles and Pins

I thought I'd add something a little more fast paced in here. The Ramones have long been one of the females favourite bands, she has a very eclectic taste in music. One of her favourite songs by them is I Wanna Be Sedated, I think she bops around the most to that one.

This first bit here reminds me a bit of what I'm told high school is like...

I saw her today, I saw her face
It was the face of love, and I knew
I had to run away

But then it goes to this...

I didn't think I'd do, but now I see
She's worth to him than me, let her go ahead
Take his love instead, and one day she will see
Just how to say please, and get down on her knees
Oh that's how it begins, she'll feel those needle and pins
Hurtin' her, hurtin' her

Yeah, I'm just going to leave this one at that. Draw your own conclusions...

So we go onto...

Example #4

Andy Stochansky - 22 Steps (Streaming Audio)

You thought I'd ignore the creepy Canadian love songs just because I'm Canadian? Oh, how wrong you were.

The female has actually met Mr. Stochansky and seen him in concert on multiple occasions, she assures me that he is a very nice man, as I'm sure most of the artists that I've mentioned in this posting are.

It sounds like all Andy wants to do is save this poor woman from the seemingly shitty relationship that she's in.

If I were him,
I'd know your birthday.
Just what to get,
The colors you wear.

We'd buy old bikes,
We'd ride on Sundays.
You'd review the books I sent.

And I know,
It takes 22 steps,
From the walk to your door,
It takes 22 steps,
Because I've tried it before.
And one day I'll knock,
But just not yet.

If I were him,
I'd buy the raincoat,
The orange one,
That he forbade.
We'd wait for rain,
We'd walk by his house.
In the front,
Not by the lane.

He fanticizes how things would be if he was with this girl, but what if that's not what she wants? Maybe she doesn't like reading. Or riding bikes.

And finally...

Example #5

Hall & Oates - Private Eyes

For our grand finale, we're going to now pick on Hall & Oates. I'll keep this one short.

You can't escape my
Private Eyes
They're watching you
They see your every move
Private Eyes
They're watching you
Private Eyes

Enough said.

There were many songs that didn't make it onto my small list for one reason or another, mostly I wanted to include songs from bands that the humans actually listen to. Rest assured though folks, female singers and bands can be just as creepy. Don't believe me? Check out Blondie's One Way or Another.

That's all for now,

- TKKAL

The Death Stare

2012-02-08T15:02:00.000-05:00

I decided to take a moment to instruct you all on how to give a proper, intense, bone chilling death stare.

This is one of the best tools that we posses to instill fear in our humans, cementing our position as masters to our humans. The benefits of this include, but are not limited to; access to food whenever you want, possession of the finest sleeping spots, treats on demand, the best toys... the list can go on and on, it's all up to you and how well you train your human.

This will be the first lesson in a series, so keep checking back for more information.

This is the look at we are going for. It is intese, menacing and will worry your humans to no end. They will have no idea what's going on in your head or what your next move will be, even if you don't have one. In short, it will keep them on edge and remind them not to mess with you.

To begin, you need to secure your backend to the floor. The human may try to move you before you are ready, so this is incredibly important. You must make yourself immovable.

Take note of how I use my tail to steady myself, but also to potentially trip my human if she does not take notice of where I am. My feet are firmly planted to the floor and I have shifted all of my weight to my bottom.

The death stare will have the greatest effect if you slowly turn your body towards the human, whilst keeping your back towards them. I have taken this photo from the side to show proper paw placement while rotating.

Twitch your tail slightly, and slowly raise your head until your eyes meet the human's. The final effect should look very similar to this;

If you are going for a particularly evil look, stare into a bright light before turning around quickly. This will make your pupils appear to be slits to the humans. If you really want to scare them, add a small, low hiss or growl at the end.

- TKKAL

Where Have I Been?

2012-02-05T17:41:00.000-05:00

It has been a long 3 months in my little world.

It all started in November when the female decided that we were going to move and gave notice at our apartment, saying that we would be out January 31st (which also happens to be her birthday - I got her a dead mouse). Almost immediately, I lost my computer privileges. Once the realization of what she had done sunk in, she began frantically searching Kijiji, craigslist.com and other such sites for a suitable living space for the lot of us. Some places were too small, others were too expensive, still more were just too far from where she wanted us all to live. She made a list of must haves in our new home, here is a small section of the list; within a reasonable walking distance to downtown (if not downtown), no extremely small kitchens, must have a balcony, must have secure entry, must be all inclusive, must be pet friendly, must have parking, etc. To top it all off, she wanted this place to cost less than $900! I was certain that we would soon be homeless and on the rare occasion that I did get a chance to slip onto the computer, I would search the want ads looking for a home that wanted a slightly ornery cat.

The female did find a place for us to live and set a move in date of January 9th. She figured that would give us just over a month to pack and we'd have about three weeks to finish cleaning out our old apartment. Plenty of time, she'd say. Pfffft. You should have seen her scrambling the last week before the big move in day. She scrambled even more when, two days before we were to move, she realized that she had not hired a moving company yet. Stupid human.

I will spare you the details of the move, it was not a dignified one with yours truly suck in a big metal crate with the two dumb mutts for five hours, but it happend and finally we had a new home. When we were finally let out of the makeshift prison, the stupid dogs ran all over the place while I made sure I had a proper toilet and my own place to eat. Imagine my horror when I walked into the room that contained my toilet, only to find that it was also the mangy, stumpy, legged mutt's bedroom! I showed my displeasure that evening by taking the time to knock over every carefully placed item and box in the apartment.

I did that for nearly a week straight. The female was starting to get angry with me. She began locking me in the room that I shared with the mutts while she was out of the apartment. I needed to get on her good side again if I was ever going to take over the world.

So we come to this;

Yes, that is myself. Yes, I have lowered myself to doing tricks for treats. It is all part of my master plan. Trust me.

I must be off now, it smells like there is a pot of chili on the stove that would look better on the floor,
TKKAL

I'm Famous!

2011-11-03T21:11:00.001-04:00

Very sorry for the long absence folks, but I've been working hard on finding a new way to escape and I think I've figured it out. I am going to become famous.

Here's my plan. Both of my humans are very much into photography and design, often creating posters and things for various events around the city they live in. My plan was to get into one of the photographs that is to be used, then when everyone sees how beautiful I am they will all flock to the humans with requests to use my beautiful face to promote their products. After being featured in a few of these types of things, the humans will feel comfortable with toting me around outside of the house and I will be able to escape!

I have already snuck my way into a photograph that is being used for a poster - word on the street (or in the male's email) is that it may be used for the entire tour. Let me know if you see it, I need to know where my pretty little body is showing up!

Oh The HORROR!

2011-07-24T23:26:00.000-04:00

THEY LEFT ME! AGAIN!

This time was much longer than the others, if my memory serves me correctly it was nearly one full week.

The worst part? They took the pesky mutts with them, but not loveable little old me! It would have been the perfect change to escape.

It all started a week ago. I knew something was up when I saw the female throwing clothing into bags and bringing things from inside out, and then not bringing them back in - sometimes I wish she would do this with the dogs. I attempted to remain calm, maybe I would be going too?

Soon it was my turn. She pulled out my backpack carrier. I hate that thing and I was mad at her, so naturally, I decided to make it difficult for her. I ran around and hid under things where I knew she wouldn't be able to reach me. Eventually I grew bored and allowed her to capture me, that's when I was put in the backpack of misery.

The minute I was loaded into the car I started howling the most annoying howl you can imagine. I continued this for the duration of the trip, into the building where I later found out I would be staying, and for a little bit after I was let out of my backpack.

She showed me where my litter box was, played with me for a little bit and then left. I did not approve of course, although I did know the family that I was staying with - I am actually quite fond of them.

To show my disapproval I did to these new people exactly what I did to the male and female when I came to live with them - refuse to eat for a little bit and meow as loudly as I could when they went to sleep.

The female must have been communicating with these new people, although I have no idea how. The laser pointer came out one night and after a good session with that I was very hungry and had to cave in and eat something.

Of course, right as I settled in I was loaded back up to come back "home".

So here I am, back in my usual place of residence, dropping hair purposefully all over the dark clothes and fully ignoring my humans.

- TKKAL

My Vacation...

2011-06-21T00:10:00.000-04:00

For the past week the humans have been disappearing for a day or so at a time. I see them leave me heaping amounts of food (which I have learned not to eat all at once), fill up the water fountain (yes, I have them trained to leave me a fountain full of water and not just some stagnent water), give me some treats and wet food and then quietly slip out the door with the mangy dogs.

Only hours after I have finished my wet food, treats and taken a nap, do I realize they are not back yet and wonder where they have gone. Surely they haven't abandoned me?!

It is during these quiet moments that I plan my next escape attempt. I have peace and quiet - no whining dogs in the background, no humans shuffling around... and they leave the television on easy listening which only drives me to escape more. Seriously, who can listen to Kenny G for hours on end and not go crazy? Not this cat, that's for sure.

Eventually, they show up again, showering me with too much affection for my liking and more food to replace the stale bowls that have been left on my table. In return, I wait until they are sleeping and run laps around the apartment, screaming at the top of my lungs, just so that they can't get those few hours of sleep they so desperately desire. Just another hour or so until I can torment them for leaving me alone last night...

-TKKAL

Pictures and stories of clowns

2011-06-01T22:55:00.000-04:00

I received an interesting email today... it seems to come from a chipmunk that lives in the garage of the female's parents house. I am assuming it's from a chipmunk, as it is signed "Chippy".

Warning - FOUL LANGUAGE!

Hi Leiki!

I know you don't know me, but I've been a reader of your blog for sometime 
now. It has always amused me, and since we both know that "people" are not 
that bright, I follow your exploits with great humour. And then suddenly, I 
discovered who your "mistress" is, and just knew straight away I had to 
write you and warn you. I used the clown pretense in the subject line to 
confuse the female; in case you don't know she is deathly afraid of them, 
and will just delete this email without reading it. And I know you always 
check both her regular email, spam and deleted, so hopefully you are reading 
this.

The little bitch is from Woodstock, in fact I live at her parents' house. 
She parades around under this guise of being an animal lover...in fact she 
is, but only for dogs. All other critters, and that includes you, should be 
wary of her.

My point.....just a few weeks ago I was in my master's garage. He is pretty 
good at leaving food for me, saves a lot of time, and the little bitch came 
after me. She chased me under a shelving unit, then went and got a stick and 
kept poking at me. Boy, was I scared. Then something trivial, probably a bit 
of music, distracted her and she left me alone. Shortly after she mentioned 
it to my Master, and he gave her hell! And something else......I'm sure you 
know that all critters are in some form or fashion related...her big sister 
took after one of my cousins (who is a toad) with the lawnmower and sliced 
him all to pieces.

So, why they haven't cubed and diced you up for dinner some night is beyond 
me. But beware, she is a dangerous one, and she will get you. Carefully plan 
your escape, and then run like hell. She's out of shape, so she'll never 
catch you.

And if you make it to Woodstock, be cautious of my Master as he has had his 
fill of domesticated animals, but I'm pretty sure you can stay for a spell 
under the back shed with me!

Signed.......Chippy

I must be careful of my actions around the female, it seems that she may have ulterior motives...

- TKKAL

The Evil Computer..

2011-06-01T13:05:00.000-04:00

I am deeply sorry for my absence this past few weeks, it is not like me. It is all that vile woman's fault.

Shortly after my last post, I came to the computer again. Something was not right, the screen wasn't on and no matter how much I smacked it with my paws it would not light up. Very strange, the female usually leaves it on all the time. I was frustrated, so I took it out on one of the female's socks - you should have seen her face when she put it on and there were holes all through it!

Anyways, I decided to give it a few days and see if it would work again. Unfortunately, day after day, I came to the same thing - no lights on, no screen. The female had also not been on it often, so I decided to eavesdrop on her conversations with the male.

From the snippets of conversation that I heard, there was something jingling around in the female's computer. The male was supposed to fix it, but was apparently taking his sweet time doing it. The female was getting frustrated by this, so was using the male's computer. I was not able to get on though, it's password locked and kept in a room that I cannot get to.

Yesterday, the female came home from work and started playing with the computer. I saw lots of little screws and was very tempted to bat them around to annoy her, but used my better judgement so that I would be able to get on again. Once the computer was all apart she found a small piece of plastic and now the computer is working normally again (although MUCH quieter).

I have had many adventures in these past few weeks and will update shortly about them, again, I am very sorry for my absence.

- TKKAL

Disguises

2011-05-18T22:34:00.000-04:00

Hello all,

I have decided to go undercover for my escape. I have been working very hard on my disguises in hopes that the humans will not realize and I will be able to sneak out.

The first is a coaster. I figure that the humans will use me as a coaster, then when I'm all wet, they'll toss me out with the trash.

I have composed the photo below as an example:

There are a few problems with this plan, however. The first - I do not like being wet at all, even the little bit of condensation from the cans/glasses bothers me. I do not think I could handle it long enough to get to the point where they would throw me out. Plus, there's that pesky bit of whether they throw me in a trash bag, or in the recycling. If it's the trash bag, I'm in trouble.

Which brings me to my next disguise, I think this one will work much better. I apologize for the glowing eyes, I do not yet understand the flash of the camera.

As you can see, I have drawn a moustache and eyebrows on my face. I had to use white eyeliner on the left side of my face because my fur is black there.

I like this one much better, as I am fairly confident that people will see me and presume that I'm just a very tiny person. They will then open doors for me and do all of the things that I cannot do myself.

So which disguise do you prefer? And do you think I will succeed with one of them?

- TKKAL

I Can Has Exorcism?

2011-05-09T01:18:00.000-04:00

The female has been watching an alarming number of classic horror films lately, so of course I took an interest in it and thought that this may help me in the future. In the meantime, I have been having some fun at her expense.

I have learned quite a bit about her during this process - naturally, she assumes I'm being a "normal", cuddly cat and sleeping while she's watching the movies, but we all know this is not the case. While I have been tolerating her petting and pretending to sleep, I have been able to closely gauge her reaction to certain scenes.

For some odd reason, there is a scene in one particular movie, The Exorcist, that really bothers her. For those of you familiar with the movie - it is the part where Linda Blair's head spins around on her neck. For those not familiar with the movie, a quick YouTube search for Exorcist head spin will show you what I'm talking about. And because I don't know where exactly you are viewing this blog from, I will say that the YouTube search results are probably NSFW.

Anyways, to the point now, after much practice and thanks to my natural flexibility, I have figured out how to replicate this at the perfect moment. The other night I was chilling out in the studio listening to the male record some music. The female came in to say goodnight, as she was walking past me, I carefully positioned myself so that I could get the full effect of my head spin. The results were absolutely perfect. She didn't believe her eyes at first, so she walked past again... and again... and again. Each time with the same result. The male laughed at her and said she was crazy, from what I gather from her phone calls, others do as well. She is now researching where she can get someone to come in and perform an exorcism on a cat - good luck with that. I have a feeling that she will continue to get laughed at for this. Now if only I could figure out how to howl and scream while doing this, I'm sure she would go crazy.

-TKKAL

Back To Bugging..

2011-05-05T23:11:00.000-04:00

I have gone back to torturing the humans, it was bound to happen and they were getting to happy.

First, they cut out my nighttime snack! I don't know where they got the nerve to do that, but they did it. I played along for a few days, thinking that if I was a "good" kitty they would give me treats and MORE food. When that didn't happen, I began to occasionally run up and down the hall screaming. I know that they do not like this, and it is great fun (and exercise) for myself. However, that has not worked either. I need to figure out something that will annoy them a great deal and get me the food I require to enter a proper REM sleep cycle - after all, I need to be fully rested to take over the world.

They have also become fairly slack in closing the door when they come inside. They will leave it open for a split second, enough time that I can stick my head out and survey the hallway, but they stand there and watch me while I do this. I have a feeling that they are also up to something, this cannot be good.

I have started to gather supplies that I feel I will need for my big plan. I will not divulge much information on this just yet - the female seems to be onto me with this whole blog thing. After I leave the computer she immediately goes over to it and tries to figure out what I've been doing. Thankfully, she isn't the smartest one and hasn't realized that all she needs to do is press Command+Shift+T to open up the last tab I was using. I am well aware that I am not covering my tracks well in this regard, but she has so many tabs open on her browser that there is no possible way I could remember them all - so this will have to suffice for now.

Back to my supplies... so far I have collected a rather large, stuffed rat toy. I plan to use this to scare the female at some point when the male isn't home. Preferably when she is just entering the residence. I think it will frighten her just enough that she will leave the door open for an extended period of time and I will be able to slip out. However, I need to figure out how I will get through the other two doors that will give me access to outside. The second thing I have is a supply of "cat treats". I will use these for nourishment on my journey. I also have my small blue blanket in my secret lair, after all, I will need to keep warm.

I still need to gather a few more supplies - mainly some sort of sharp object that I can use for cutting things. I also need to make a few improvements to my lair - at the moment it would be incredibly easy for those dumb mutts to get in. Thankfully, they haven't bothered trying... yet...

-TKKAL

They Are Back...

2011-04-30T20:03:00.000-04:00

I suppose my panic was all for nothing.

The humans came back in the afternoon the next day. Apparently, the pesky dogs went to visit their grandparents while the humans went to a birthday party.

I was a little hungry because of my previous indiscretion with the food situation, but next time I will be more careful.

When they leave the next time I will make sure to prop something in the door or the window so that I will have a chance to escape, or perhaps I should dress up as one of the dogs and make my escape that way...

I must get off now, the humans are making some dinner and keep looking over at me wondering what I'm doing on the computer.

- TKKAL

The Humans Left Me!

2011-04-28T19:56:00.000-04:00

I knew something was up when the humans packed up the dogs and loaded my food dish up with food, but I never thought it was this! They left me here, all alone - so far for a few hours! No laser pointer play time, no cleaning out my toilet right after I go, no one for me to meow at and annoy. The windows are shut and locked, as is the door, so there is absolutely no chance of escape.

Of course, I assumed that the extra food was just a treat and dug in, eating it all in one sitting. It has been a few hours and they are still not back. I will need to figure out how to open tins of food soon, my stomach is already starting to gurgle with hunger. Perhaps I can get into the treats that they have up on different shelves throughout the dwelling.

I shall update soon as the situation reveals itself.

- TKKAL

Playing With Food

2011-04-26T17:00:00.000-04:00

Now, most people or other cats will tell you that you aren't supposed to play with your food before you eat it. It's a common saying among parents to their offspring, but I say poo poo to that!

Here is my guide on how to properly eat your food!

First, sneak up on your prey and make sure that it doesn't see you...

The next step is to make yourself as big as possible to scare it into submission...

The next step is to bat it around, often considered playing, but serving a much more important purpose of course.

Then you must carry your dinner to an appropriate place to consume it. I chose my regular feeding station.

Then you dig in and eat it. I will spare you all the photos of that.

Hopefully my post has proven useful to those of you that weren't sure how to eat properly, or convinced your parents to allow you to play with your food. And I am a bit sorry for those of you that opened this without warning of graphic photographs but remember, I am a cat.

- TKKAL

My Beautiful Blue Eyes

2011-04-25T19:48:00.000-04:00

The female took some lovely photos of me today, so I thought I would share my beauty with you since I have nothing to report in regards to torturing the humans.

Here I am sitting on the edge of the bathtub. This is what I do to bother the female while she's using the toilet. She is not using the toilet in this picture, that would be weird.

And here is another that was taken right after I enjoyed my dinner. Don't I look beautiful?

The lighting really brings out my beauty and accentuates my muscly body.

That is all for now, I have some big plans for torturing the humans coming up in the next few days so there should be some good posts coming up!

- TKKAL

INTRUDER ALERT!!

2011-04-15T13:00:00.000-04:00

Since the installation of the new windows, I have been spending much more time on the sill trying to figure out a way to escape. Alas, if only I still had my front claws, unfortunately, they were removed prior to coming to this place.

During my night watch duties in the sill the other night I heard a familiar sound - meowing. I was interested at first - perhaps it was another cat trapped in an apartment that I could conspire with and contro... errr... befriend. Much to my dismay, when I responded, the meowing got closer... and closer.. and closer, until, finally, it was right below the window. This immediately angered me - why did this cat get to enjoy the freedom and power of roaming around outside? My only other thought was that, just maybe, this cat would aid me in my escape. Surely a cat outside would have his claws. I invited him up to the sill on the other side of the window. Thankfully, it had been rather warm outside and the humans had opened the window so that the screen was exposed and we could chat freely without causing much alarm to any humans around.

During our conversation I learned that he was very fond of the humans and seemed rather dull witted, in my opinion. However, I continued to chat with him, positive that I would be able to convince him to rip open the window and be my minion. The female had other plans though and chased him away. I am now positive that she is firmly against the thought of me having minions - after all, look what she did to my previous ones!

Once she had settled back in her position on the couch and was engrossed in the television program Storage Wars, I invited him back to continue our conversation. This did not last much longer and he quickly proved that he would be no use to me as he had also had his claws removed. I immediately wanted this fool gone, but he would not leave and insisted on rubbing his dumb face all over my beautiful window screen. I growled at him to no avail, even resorting to hissing, but he was as steadfast as I was on the sill. As much as I don't like to admit it, I needed the help of the female, but how was I to get her attention? Simple, doing laps around the apartment with the aid of the dogs.

Now, for those of you that aren't familiar with the pesky mutts that I must share this space with, they are dachshunds. These dogs are notorious for chasing anything that moves whist making as much noise as they possibly can. Unlike other small breeds, they have an unnaturally deep bark that makes them sound about 20x bigger than they actually are. This greatly annoys the female, especially at night. For a visual reference, here are the two that reside here:

As you can see, they are rather dumb and will do whatever anyone tells them to.

My plan was successful, the minute I leaped from the window and started running around they gave chase, barking their dumb little heads off. The female immediately followed, so I jumped back in the window and started my growling and hissing at the orange cat in the window. The female proceeded to grab a water bottle and squirt the cat, which of course made him jump away. We were done with him... or so I thought.

What does that dumb cat do next? He jumped right back onto MY SILL. I was not taking too kindly to this invasion of my space. I needed another plan.

The humans have the dogs trained to ring a bell by the door when they have to go outside to use the bathroom. I decided to use this, and the fact that those mutts follow me around everywhere, to my advantage. I gracefully lept from the window once again and trotted over to the door, knowing full well that the dogs would follow me there. I proceeded to ring the bell exactly as they would, then jumped up on my perch by the door. When the female looked over, she never suspected that I was actually the one to ring the bell and came over and put their restraints on. I went back to my sill to watch the action unfold - surely the dogs would teach that stupid cat a lesson.

Unfortunately, I managed to forget that with the restraints on the dogs were about as useless as the orange cat. When the door opened, the cat looked down at the dogs and took off under a car. Phase one of the plan was successful. I hoped that even through the restraints the dogs would managed to give him a good enough scare that he wouldn't come back.

When they came back inside, I waited patiently in my sill for about an hour. Every once in awhile I would give a good growl and hiss, thumping my tail against the wall, just so that he would know he wasn't welcome. At about 3 am, I decided that my plan had succeeded and went to bed.

The orange cat has not returned since.

- TKKAL

My Absence...

2011-04-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

I am deeply apologetic for my absence, but I do have a good excuse... I have been exercising and training myself, with the help of the female (unbeknownst to her). I am positive that with this new found muscle tone, agility and my amazing jumping skills, I will soon be able to escape.

I had the female video tape my jumping so that you could all see. Of course, being a human, she had to take it too far and added all kinds of little things to the video. This is where I would be rolling my "googly eyes" if you could see me.

Here is the video, if you are interested in watching. I must say though, before you watch, that I was getting quite tired at this point so my jumping skills aren't fully represented.

The female has also had questions about the song that is playing in the background of the video. It is the Canadian artist, Kate Maki, singing her song Badminton Racket. I must say, it is a lovely song.

Anywho - I must get back to doing laps around the apartment while the female attempts to sleep. It annoys her a great deal, which of course gives me great pleasure. It also makes the brown dog jump over the gate, which also annoys her.

- TKKAL

I Have Been Thwarted

2011-04-08T00:16:00.000-04:00

I suppose I should preface this by showing my past escape attempts, for those of you that may not be faithful readers (shame on you!).

The first attempt, escaping out the door whilst the female was checking the mail, was not captured on camera (thankfully, as it wasn't very graceful or in good taste - more of a mad dash).

This was my second attempt. You will notice how well I blend in with the glass and other miscellaneous and useless human belongings. The box also matched my hair quite nicely.

Unfortunately, the humans didn't take the box out of the apartment while I was in it, so that didn't work.

I decided that boxes filled with recycling were my next best shot. I attempted to put this theory to the test this past week. I figured that the brown along my body might blend in with the brown of the liquor store bags and the beautiful blue in my eyes might blend in with the Oreo Jello pudding packaging.

Unfortunately for me, the humans are just as reliable for taking out their recycling as they are timely in taking their donations to the donation place.

Next, I decided that I should perhaps try to make friends with one of the pesky dogs. I figured if I could assimilate with them, the humans may not notice and I would be able to slip out when they take them out to use the bathroom. I will never understand why they get to treat the world as their toilet while I have to poop in a box.

That also did not work.

Now I have taken up post right beside the door. As you can see in the picture, I have cleverly hidden myself on top of the female's jacket. I am also within reaching distance of everything that the humans grab when they go out the door - the keys are above me, the purse is beside me, as are the leashes, shoes are beneath me (little bit of a pun there, because I don't wear shoes), and the leashes for the mutts are between myself and the purse.

I had a feeling that she may see me when reaching for her jacket, so I took the old "if I can't see you, you can't see me approach".

I didn't work and I was forced off the jacket. As you can see below, this is my "I hate you right now" face.

My other plan was to escape out the window during the summer when they humans had them open. I go on the sill quite often, after all, I must survey the territory that will soon be mine. The screen that keeps me in when the windows are open was torn at the side. My plan was to slip through that space when the weather was warm enough for the humans to open the windows.

Unfortunately (I've been saying that quite a bit lately), I was locked in the human litterbox the other day. Upon my release, I came to realize that it was noticeably warmer. Something was not quite right and I ran to check my future escape hole. At some point during my incarceration the entire window had been replaced! In addition to the screen, there are now two panes of glass separating me from the outside world.

I must go rest up now and save my energy, my mind is buzzing with new plans and I need my beauty sleep to bring them to fruition.

- TKKAL

My Nearly Successful Attempt At Escape

2011-03-30T15:00:00.000-04:00

This was my second attempt this week, however both attempts have proven futile and I'm not positive that I should continue at this point. If I do, the humans may begin to inspect everything that leaves the confines of the apartment and I will have no chance.

If anyone is interested in this attempt, I will explain my plan.

The humans have been busy the past few days, they seem to be purging their living space of anything "unnecessary" and putting those things in a box labelled "donations". I suspected that this box may be leaving the premises, and thought that it was the perfect opportunity to rid myself of the humans and the pesky mutts. What a joy that would be; no more dogs chasing me around, no more being told "bad kitty, you're going to break that", the world would be my litterbox.

I managed to "borrow" the female's camera and take this picture, using the self timer on the camera of course, to illustrate my escape.

In case you were wondering, I was not planning on showing my body whist hiding in this box. However, my plan was thwarted once again when the humans decided not to go to Goodwill that day. I ended up hiding in the box for hours, only to realize after they had gone to sleep, that I was not going anywhere.

I have decided to resume my current position here for the time being, after all, I do get free food and what not... at least until the next opportunity arises.

-TKKAL

Sweet, Sweet Freedom

2011-03-29T02:28:00.000-04:00

I managed to escape today.

The female was going to "check the mail", so I slipped out when the door was open. Unfortunately for me, she saw me and gave chase. I quickly darted down the hall, hoping that she would tire and give up when, all of a sudden, a door opened and there was a rather large scary man standing there. I immediately bolted in the opposite direction, when I saw the female I bolted the other way and encountered the man again. I was stuck. The female captured me, much to my displeasure. I attempted one last shot at freedom by screeching loudly and using my back claws to scratch, but alas, here I am, sitting at the female's computer tell you all about my missed chance at freedom.

All was not lost though, I did manage to get her pretty good on her neck and her stomach. Hopefully, those will scar and she will be permanently have the mark of TKKAL on her, much like Zorro.

-TKKAL

Blogger? Tumblr? Twitter?

2011-03-23T12:37:00.000-04:00

Why does everything end in an r, or er, sound? Perhaps it's easier for humans to pronounce those noises... whatever the case may be, I have now joined a few more sites to help spread my message and convert fellow kittens and cats to master human controllers. I am well on my way, and you can be too!

My "Twitter" and "Tumblr" accounts are linked together, it seems that if I post on one, the other is updated as well. In either case, leikikiki.tumblr.com is the Tumblr account and twitter.com/leikikiki is the Twitter account. I suspect that they will be updated nearly daily and they will alert you to new blogs on here.

If I ever figure out what an RSS feed is, perhaps I will be able to connect all accounts, but for now, this seems to work well. Feel free to follow on any of the accounts, I am currently resisting the urge to steal the female's chequebook and give prizes for retweets, but that may come in the near future... I just need to figure out a way to hold a pen.

-TKKAL

No More Dogs!

2011-03-22T23:01:00.000-04:00

My plan has been working, the dogs are now out of the home. I am hoping it is forever, however the humans keep mentioning them and how they miss them, so I suspect that they will be coming back at some point.

Since they have been gone I have been remodelling the apartment to my specific likings. I have successfully placed as many of the humans possessions on the floor as possible and also rearranged the pillows so that I can get under (and into) the couch again. They had put quite a few things in behind and along the top to try and thwart me, but it didn't work, and I can only assume that they haven't noticed as it hasn't been changed yet.

My plan until the dogs come over is to destroy things and hide them under the couch. Once the dogs come back, I will slowly bring things out and place them need the dogs when they are sleeping. The humans will see the dogs with the destroyed possessions and soon the dogs will be gone for good!

I see no flaws in my plan but I must be careful to execute it perfectly.

-TKKAL (aka Kiki Meow Meows)

They Are Gone...

2011-03-15T20:29:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was absolutely horrible. The humans loaded me up in the "carrier", which is more like a rolling suitcase, and put me in the car. I attempted to undo the zipper on the way from the door to the car, but was thwarted by the bumps as the carrier was rolling along the ground.

We got to the vet where things only got worse. First, I was put in this big white thing while they weighed me. Don't they know you're never supposed to ask a girl about her weight? Well this was even worse because I had no say in it. Nonetheless, I was very good and just laid there.

Next, I was taken from the white thing and put on a big, cold, metal table. It was also very shiny, which was quite distracting as the light kept going into my eyes. While I was on this table the lady that was apparently the vet kept looking at my eyes, at one point she said I have the typical siamese "googly eyes". I DO NOT HAVE GOOGLY EYES! Dumb vet lady, obviously my eyes were going weird because the table was so shiny and because she had her face right in mine so it was hard to focus.

After making rude comments about my beautiful eyes, she started poking her fingers around my mouth and looked at my teeth. Apparently, I have very nice teeth. I suppose that partly makes up for the googly eyes comment. I was so stunned about it all that I missed the perfect opportunity to chomp down and draw blood.

I am having trouble deciding which of the next two things that happened was worse... first she stuck something up my bum, and then she stuck her finger down my throat to "give me medicine". I'll let you decide, it's too traumatic to even remember at this point.

My minions will be leaving me over the next few days. I am very sad about this but am seriously debating on leaving a big pile of them right on the humans' pillows. I also heard talk of a finger being stuck down my throat again in two weeks when I get more "medicine". Someone please send help. I cannot do this on my own. This has to be some form of abuse.

Oh, and to top it all off, the female took a picture of me while I was on the table. I think I will leave the minions on her pillow.

-TKKAL

(Leiki's "female" here... she doesn't think I know about this blog, but of course she isn't smart enough to clear her history after using the computer. Here is the photo of her at the vet, just to embarrass her a little. She's lucky I didn't take it while they were taking her temperature.)

My Minions...

2011-03-13T16:48:00.000-04:00

The humans have caught on to the minions I have been shedding. They say that I'm going to the vet tomorrow so that they're all gone and I'll feel better. Obviously they don't know that I was putting them there on purpose! How else am I to figure out what they're up to when I'm not in the room? I suppose I'm going to have to look into a more technological way to monitor their behaviour now. Apparently, they do not appreciate having to feed the minions unknowingly as well. They say that they eat about as much as I do and apparently take some of the nutrients that I need. If I had known that I wouldn't have agreed to let the little buggers live inside of me.

Perhaps I should work on the pesky dogs and try to get them on my side now... Any ideas on how to train something that is more dumb than a brick?

-TKKAL