Leslie Vernick

Topic: My Husband Won't Talk With Me

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 19:12:00 +0000

Morning Friends,

This Saturday March 9th, I will be speaking all day at Loudonville Community Church in Loudonville, NY. It’s open to the public, and I would love to see you there. If you’re interested, call Kathy Tyrell at 518 426 0751 to register. I’ll also be teaching in their Sunday school the following morning if you chose to stay over. I believe you can also just show up on Saturday.

I am finishing up edits on my new book, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope.” Please pray for me. I’ve been working non-stop for several weeks now and I’m pretty exhausted. I need a fresh infusion of God power.

I’d like to remind you that from now on all my blogs will go to one blog site--the one located on my web page. We’re getting some good responses on both sites and it’s a shame not to have a community speaking together all in the same place. Therefore, to read today’s blog, please go to http://www.leslievernick.com/2013/03/04/my-husband-wont-talk-with-me/

While you are there, please sign up to receive the blog weekly so you don’t miss any of our important discussions.

Help! I'm Filled With Anger and Resentment!

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 15:36:00 +0000

Good morning friends,

I just returned from San Antonio where I spoke to the Christian Counselors of Texas. What a great group! The highlight was I invited my best friend from high school to come and help me with my book table. She lives in Austin, so it was great to get together and reminisce on our lives.

Speaking on the emotionally destructive marriage this weekend and recently being on Focus on the Family elicited a lot of questions in my e-mail. Here is one from a dear woman who is struggling with bitterness and resentment.

Today’s Question: Twenty-five years of resentment and anger build-up has now manifested into bursts of outrage and anger. I raised 3 children without the help of my husband either physically, spiritually or emotionally. He is a very good man and a deacon in the church, but did nothing to help me with the house or children. I was expected to take care of that. When I would ask for help, he would get mad and pop his recliner up and be angry that I asked. So I didn't. He never changed a diaper, fed a bottle, prayed a prayer, read a book, gave a bath, brushed a tooth, washed a single dish or cloth, or helped with lessons/school. His hobbies and play time never included me or the children, even church activities. Now the years of resentment have built up so terribly that I can't hide it from my kids and now they think "Momma" is the one with problems. They are losing respect and love for me because they don't have any idea what my life has been like for 25 years.

I was the one trying to set rules and pray before meals, but when rules are not enforced by dad, they don't work. I was a stay-at-home Mom. My children have been either home-schooled or attended Christian school. I have done all I can, but I see them slowly drifting from God and toward the world, and that horrifies me. My husband has made it clear to my son (aged 24) that he is not welcome in our house. He is a great boy. He never drank, did drugs or used bad language and he always attended church, but my husband just doesn't like him (he says it’s a personality conflict).

I cry all the time because there is no fix for my despair. It is not me who suffers but it is my children who have suffered spiritually. My situation is so different because my children are the ones affected by it. I love him and he loves me but the damage is already there. And the years are gone where he could have taught them God's love instead of teaching all the church. No one at our church has any idea about this. They think we are a perfect Godly family with Godly children (which they are now) and everything is great. My girls (aged 19 &17) don't even like spending time with me anymore, and when I try to do a Bible study with them, they resent it. The special close relationship that we have always had is fading. I have nothing else to hold on to because this is a no-fix situation. I pray that God will turn my emotions into stone so that I don't have to feel pain anymore.

Answer: I’m sorry you feel such despair and hopelessness. You say it’s not you who is suffering but your children, but you sound like you’re in a great deal of pain. You also say that your situation is different because your children are the ones affected, but if you scroll down through the weeks in this blog you will see that most women in difficult or destructive marriages feel that their children are being deeply affected. You are not alone, and your situation is not unusual.

All children are affected by the emotional climate in their home and how their parents handle the ups and downs of relational life. Now you indicate that your children are becoming even more affected because of your inability to contain your 25 years of anger and resentment. They don’t want to spend time with you doing Bible study, and I’m wondering if it’s because what you’re trying to teach them through the scriptures is what you’re having a hard time actually living out in your own life?

You sound like a person who wants to live by Biblical principles. You’ve not left your husband in spite of how difficult it is and was with the children growing up. You say you love him and he loves you, but the damage is already there. So why have you stayed, especially when you’ve stayed with a heart that’s so full of such toxic emotions? If you have stayed because you believe that God calls you to stay, then don’t you believe God also calls you to forgive, live in peace and let go of these negative emotions too? If you’ve stayed for other reasons such as you can’t afford to leave, you’re afraid to live on your own or some other reason, then perhaps it’s time to look at your own role in enabling the destructive dance to continue.

It may come as a shock to you, but your husband is not 100% responsible for the state your marriage is in right now. He may be indifferent or lazy or uncaring in not responding to your needs for help, but what you did with that added to the destructive dance the two of you are now in. Instead of setting some boundaries, speaking up or standing up for yourself, you sucked it up and did it all yourself, but at what cost? The resentment and bitterness you’ve held is now poisoning your spirit and your relationship with your children. Is that what you want?

You say your husband has declared that your oldest son is not welcome in your home because of a personality difference. Why haven’t you put your foot down and said, “I’m sorry but that doesn’t work for me. It’s my home too, and I love our son and want him to feel welcome here. If you don’t want to be here when he’s here, that is your choice, but I’m not going to tell him he can’t come.” Instead you seethe with anger at your husband’s power over you. He only has that power because you allow it.

Headship doesn’t mean that he gets his way all of the time. Submission doesn’t mean you have to do everything he wants all the time. That more aptly describes the relationship between inmates and prison guards or victims in concentration camps.

I strongly encourage you to get the help you need to learn to respectfully put your foot down as well as to let go of these toxic emotions. You don’t want them to further damage your health and your relationships with your grown children. Whether or not your marriage ever improves is not solely up to you, but surely you don’t want what’s going on with you to poison your relationship with your children.

I know it’s tough to let negative feelings go. They feel so justified and, in some ways, we use them to empower us. I too struggled with resentment and anger toward my mother, but the person it hurt the most was me. God says “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:26-27)

Trust me, you can get strong in other ways besides having to stay angry all the time.

My Husband's a Slob. What Can I Do?

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 14:50:00 +0000

This week’s question: My husband’s a slob! He drops his clothes on the floor and he never picks up after himself or helps around the house. I’m exhausted and I’m tired of asking for help.

It can be frustrating to live with someone who has different habits than we do. But before we get into what you might do, I want you to ask yourself two crucial questions. First, is your husband usually caring and respectful of your feelings and needs? Second, is there a reason why he’s not helping you around the house? For example, he might be exhausted from his job, or busy helping you with the kids, or could it be he’s tried helping you in the past and you’ve not been satisfied with the way he helped so he gave up?

If you answered yes to either of those two questions, then you have a couple of options. One is to lower your house cleaning standards so you’re not so exhausted. All spouses have weaknesses and one of your husband’s is messy habits. God tells us that we need to learn to put up with one another and to accept each other, encouraging the good we see (Romans 15:7; Ephesians 4:2-3). Try focusing more on your husband’s strengths instead of dwelling on what he doesn’t do well.

Another biblical approach would be to implement the law of sowing and reaping (Galatians 6:7). Calmly say something like this, “Honey, I know you hate my nagging. I hate it too. So from now on, I’m not going to nag you about your clothes but I’m also resigning as your personal maid. Starting tomorrow, if your clothes don’t make it into the hamper, they won’t get washed.” Stay kind but firm. Soon he will realize he has no clean clothes to wear and will begin to put his clothes into the hamper. Hopefully as he learns this new step in taking care of his clothes, he will also start to pick up his other items around the house.

On the other hand, if your answer to those earlier questions is no, you have a much bigger problem than a messy husband or house. Your marriage lacks mutual caring and mutual respect, core elements in any good relationship. If you want to change this pattern, you must start with yourself. Are there any past hurts that have caused this breakdown? If so, own your part and ask for forgiveness. However if your husband’s basic attitude toward you is often selfish and disrespectful, you may need additional support.

I encourage you to take my free test, “Are You in a Destructive Relationship?” which is available at my website: www.LeslieVernick.com on my free resource page. You will also find resources to help you deal with a destructive relationship and initiate difficult discussions. God wants your marriage to change. Allow Him to use you, and others if necessary, to help your husband make these important changes.

Chocolate Mocha Whipped Cream Cake

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 16:47:00 +0000

Good morning friends,

This weekend I made my husband a Chocolate Mocha whipped cream cake for his birthday. I almost didn’t get it done because I could not find my recipe. I’ve made this same cake for 38 years now and the recipe is tattered and ripped in half. Luckily I found it, made the cake and, as usual, it was a big hit. My Facebook friends all wanted to know the recipe so I’m sharing it with you too. It’s listed below. It’s work, but if you like a dense cake with whipped cream frosting, it’s so worth it. Maybe your family would like it for Valentine’s Day.

Howard’s Birthday Cake

½ C unsweetened cocoa (I used Hershey’s in the can)

¾ C boiling water

½ C butter at room temperature

1 C sugar

½ c sour cream

½ tsp baking soda

½ tsp vanilla

Few grains of salt

2 C Cake flour (this is special flour, not regular)

2 oz (2 squares) of semisweet chocolate grated. (I usually get a bag of mini chocolate chips instead of grating)

Whites of 3 large eggs beaten stiff

Dissolve cocoa in boiling water and cool. Grease 2 8 or 9” round layer cake pans. Heat oven to 350. In large bowl beat butter until creamy. Add sugar 1/3 cup at a time beating after each addition. At low speed add cocoa mixture, sour cream, baking soda, vanilla and salt. Sift flour over mixture and beat 2 minutes. Fold in grated chocolate and beaten egg whites. Scrape batter into pans and bake for 15-20 minutes or until tester inserted in middle of pan comes out clean.

Remove and place pans on wire racks to cool completely. Run a knife around edge and turn out cakes. Sandwich layers with about 1/3 of mocha cream. Frost top and sides with remainder.

Mocha Whipped Cream (We like a lot of this so I usually double the recipe and use it to frost the cake thick)

1 C heavy cream

½ C conf. sugar

2 T unsweetened cocoa (Hershey’s again)

1 t. instant coffee

Mix all ingredients in medium bowl and chill 1 hour or longer (I usually do it overnight). Beat with rotary beater or electric mixer until stiff. Store in refrigerator.

I’d love it if you’d share your favorite recipe with our blog community. We share so many difficult things together, it would be nice for a change to share something yummy.

Remember, beginning March 1, all my blogs will be located only on my blog site on my webpage. Don’t forget to make the switch!

Topic: Help, my husband has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Is there hope?

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 19:19:00 +0000

Good morning friends,

I want you to know that this exact blog is also posted each week to my new website, www.leslievernick.com under the blog tab. Please sign up for the blog there because beginning March 1st; the blog will be discontinued at this site. We’ve been posting at both sites for quite some time, but to save time and gather all people’s responses in one place and have a more cohesive community, we’d like to put these two blogs together.

Don’t forget to tune in Wednesday, February 6th, and Thursday, February 7th, for a re-airing of my interview with Focus on the Family in their broadcast of “Finding Freedom from Destructive Relationships” (Part one: http://ow.ly/hiGvg and Part two: http://ow.ly/hiDAu).

I need prayer. Lots of it. In the next month, I have more on my plate than I can do well. Please pray that God gives me the strength to do what I’m supposed to do and let go of the rest. Pray that I have creative energy to write and edit what is due. I’m really feeling the pressure of all of it lately.

A few weeks ago, I received flurry of responses to the reader’s question on whether there is hope for a Narcissistic spouse to change. After that, one of our readers asked a similar question for her husband who has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Today Question: My husband and I have been married 10 years with 2 small children. We’ve never had a good marriage, and it’s only getting worse in spite of years of marriage counseling. Recently, our counselor suggested he be tested for Asperger’s Syndrome, and it turns out that he has it. I am feeling rather hopeless with all I read. I doubt that we will ever be able to have a normal marriage. Do I stay and keep trying or do I leave before my children are negatively affected?

Answer: First, before I answer your question, let me define or better describe Asperger’s Syndrome for those reading who may not know what it is. Asperger’s syndrome is a developmental disorder along the autism spectrum in which an individual may be very high functioning and intelligent, but lacks in social awareness and processing. The brain of a person with Asperger’s works differently than someone without it, especially how it processes language and social cues. He or she processes language literally, so he often misses or misinterprets what someone is saying. His focus is in the details of something, and he has trouble connecting the dots to gain the big picture.

Individuals with Asperger’s lack social awareness and aren’t able to pick up on people’s non- verbal cues or intentions. For example, most non-Asperger or neuro-typical individuals (NT as they are referred to) would clue in when someone they were talking to was bored or disinterested. A person with Asperger’s would not. Asperger’s individuals have a difficult time perceiving people’s intentions, needs, feelings or motivations and therefore often respond inappropriately in social situations. They like routine, and have trouble managing their own emotions appropriately; especially when something unexpected happens or they are under stress. Describing or labeling their feelings can become a challenge for them.

Because a person with Asperger’s syndrome has a hard time being aware of other people’s needs or feelings, he can be seen as selfish and uncaring. He often has problems managing anger and can appear rude, insensitive, and indifferent although he is usually shocked when someone accuses him of this because from his point of view he does care. He just can’t see where he is lacking. He is neurologically unable to see things from another person’s point of view. His brain speaks a different language than a NT (Neuro-typical) person’s brain does.

Being married to someone with Asperger’s syndrome presents challenges and opportunities. So does being married to someone with cancer, muscular sclerosis, blindness, bi-polar or a host of other difficulties. Therefore, it’s important for us to remember that all successful marriages take hard work. No individual, no matter how talented, intelligent or spiritual, has all 52 cards in their deck. Therefore, all marriages require that we learn some fundamental lessons about acceptance, forbearance, tolerance, forgiveness, love, sacrifice and speaking the truth in love where necessary. Otherwise, Asperger’s or not, the marriage will not thrive.

For you, the diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome must come as a relief after so many years with no progress in your counseling together. You and your husband have had 10 years of misinterpreting each other’s behaviors and motives. Perhaps you’ve seen him as selfish and uncaring. He’s seen you as critical and invasive. Those perceptions are tough to undue once they’re locked into place. Now you have a different paradigm in which to understand each other, but the difficulties of communicating clearly remain.

Your biggest challenge as to whether or not you and your husband can make your marriage work will not be the Asperger’s diagnosis itself, but what your husband does with it. Will he use it as an excuse to continue to hurt you and your marriage? Will he go into denial, refusing to admit that there is anything different about his thinking processes or his social responses? Or, will he be willing to learn all he can about how this syndrome has resulted in differences and deficiencies and is he willing to work with professionals who have expertise in helping individuals and couples with this problem so that the two of you can develop a healthier, happier relationship?

You too have some work to do if you want to move forward in a positive way from this point. Many people who discover that their spouse has Asperger’s Syndrome feel gypped and deprived of a full functioning partner. They will have to grieve some losses and let go of their desire for the deep emotional connection they longed for. However, some people with non-Asperger’s spouses also feel that loss or never have that connection either.

Your husband will continue to struggle to “get” you, and you will probably feel that you’re working harder than he is to make the marriage work. Again, I’m quite sure that women who are married to men who do not have Asperger’s feel the same way at times. In any marriage, but especially one with special problems, your anchor must always be in God, not your husband, not your marriage or your own happiness. If you can trust God through this, then you will grow and thrive through this season, even if your marriage doesn’t.

Recently a new book came out written by a husband who was diagnosed with Asperger’s and wanted to do all he could do to win his wife back. It’s called, The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch. Another resource for you is A Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome by Tony Attwood.

For those who might be wondering if they or their spouse might have Asperger’s syndrome, there is a free test for it atwww.aspergerstestsite.com.

Friends, those of you living with an Asperger’s spouse, what do you do to cope? What resources have you found helpful? What encouragement can you give this woman?

I'm in California!

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 18:53:00 +0000

Good morning friends,

Today I’m just going to share with you some pictures of my wonderful granddaughters. It is so much fun to just be Nana for a while! There's nothing else to do but play tea party, shop for new shoes for little feet and enjoy their giggles and hugs.

I’ll be back next week answering a woman’s question about her anger with her children.

Is There Hope for a Narcissistic Spouse?

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 15:17:00 +0000

Morning friends,

I really am enjoying the encouraging comments and sense of community we’re developing. Having a safe community where women can share their stories as well as resources is essential but even more so when you are in a destructive marriage.

I just finished taping, with Michele Borquez Thornton, a DVD series for divorced women who need to heal and want to grow and build healthy relationships. I’m excited about the panel of experts she’s drawn together and, as soon as it’s released, I will let you all know. Friday I head to California for a visit with my precious granddaughters.

Today’s Question: My husband has been emotionally and verbally abusive from the start. We have been married almost 7 years and have a beautiful 2 year old son. I have been trying everything within my power (counseling, using tactics to stop abuse when it's happening, anti-depressants) to "fix" my destructive marriage. In March of last year, I finally told him exactly what I thought our problem was: that he was abusive. At that time, he received that surprisingly well. Obviously God had gone before me and prepared his heart for that.

However, 6 months later I wasn't really seeing changes and I was noticing he was giving himself a lot of slack with going to his therapy appointments, etc. So I took things up a notch. I wrote him a letter asking him to examine those behaviors and attitudes and left with our son for the weekend for him to process that in peace. What I had hoped for upon my return was a sincere apology and a renewed sense of wanting to do the right thing for our family. What I got was anger thrown at me.

A week later, I asked him to move out for a separation. I was absolutely at my wit's end. I was still hoping that he could be rattled, that the Lord was trying to get through to him through these steps I was taking.

It's been a little over 3 months now and I am still not really seeing the key changes I would like to see, such as a sincerely apologetic heart, ownership over the harm he has done and even a willingness to let me be mad. There's a lot more to our story than I can inundate you with here, but I feel that our marriage cannot be saved. I feel like divorce is imminent.

One of the therapists we have seen believes he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I don't want to just "give up" on my marriage. It feels like I am a failure. I know I have done wrong as well. I know that this isn't ALL his fault, but at a certain point it does feel like the problems of abuse and self-centeredness need to be broken before any of the other issues can be addressed. I'm at a loss. I know you can't tell me whether or not you think I should divorce from reading these few paragraphs, but I am wondering if you can speak more to the NPD factor and how long you think it takes for safety to return (referring to your series on “Can This Marriage Be Saved”). I just don't feel safe, but I don't want to deny an opportunity for safety to grow.

Answer: Let me begin by saying I applaud your courage for trying to do things that will change the destructive dynamics of your marriage. Safety is essential for any relationship to be healthy. If you aren’t safe to be yourself, to share your thoughts and feelings in a constructive way, or to disagree without fear of punishment or retaliation, then you can’t fix what’s wrong because it’s not even safe to talk about it.

You mention that you have done wrong too. There are no perfect spouses. All marriages have things that are wrong with them, but when the marriage is relatively healthy, the husband and wife will look at their part, apologize, make amends and work toward corrections.

Let me ask you this, are any of those “wrongs” that you say you are guilty of safety issues? For example, have you not respected a time-out when your husband is getting heated and wants to end the conversation for a period of time? Or perhaps you’ve shamed and criticized him when he’s expressed his opinion or tried to disagree? If so, you can take responsibility for those things and work to change. Since you have a two year old child, the two of you must communicate around finances, issues regarding your son and visitation, and if you haven’t practiced safety in those interactions, then you can start there. Safety involves respecting boundaries, stopping destructive interactions when the other person says stop and taking responsibility for your own actions when you’ve crossed the line and scared or hurt the other person. (For those who want to read more from my 3 part article “Can This Marriage Be Saved,” go to www.christiancounseling.com and click on Leslie’s blog).

But your question is directed to help about the diagnosis of NPD and whether or not that is a “curable” problem. There are many people with NPD who are highly talented, successful people who often have a fan base of admirers and people willing to give themselves to him or her because of the afterglow it affords by being associated with such a successful person. The narcissist’s entitlement mindset seems more excusable or justified because of his or her success.

However, when a person is NPD and is rather ordinary, he or she still feels entitled and becomes disgruntled when people aren’t treating them as special as they feel they deserve. From a purely secular point of view, NPD is one of the hardest disorders to treat primarily because the narcissist never sees himself as “the problem”. Therefore they rarely present themselves for treatment. They may go to marriage counseling, but it is always their spouse’s lack of love, lack of support or lack of care that becomes the issue. They often portray themselves as the victims of emotional abuse.

If or when the therapist tries to get the narcissistic person to reflect honestly on himself or his or her behavior, there is usually great resistance, excuse making, blame shifting, or termination of treatment. If you don’t think you have a problem, if you won’t listen to someone who gives you feedback and if you refuse to look within, there is not a high probability that you will change.

A narcissist doesn’t know how to love another person as a separate person. For a narcissist, another person’s sole purpose is to be an object who will love and admire them. In other words, you become nourishment to meet their NEEDS. When you cease nourishing them, they will discard you and move on to new food (another person).

When they say that they love you, what they mean is I love how you love me. When you love them well, then you are wonderful, the best thing that ever happened to them. When you fail to love them well (as you always will), then you have a price to pay. A person with NPD finds it impossible to put themselves in someone else’s shoes (empathy) and has little compassion for anyone other than themselves. A narcissist gets into a relationship to be adored, admired, and loved, not to love or to sacrifice themselves for someone else.

That said, there are times when someone is in so much pain they are willing to hear and look and reevaluate who they are and how they’ve seen themselves and others. In these cases, the road to transformation is long and slow but change can happen. God is in the business of changing hearts and transforming lives. Yet the paradox that is hard for us to live with when we’re married to someone with NPD is that God doesn’t change us without our permission.

For you, if you choose to stay with him, understand that you will always give more than you receive. He will be unhappy with you when you are unable to meet his demands and expectations and will often be rude, sarcastic, judgmental and abusive telling you so. Develop a good support system outside your marriage. Find other things to do that give your life meaning and fulfillment. Don’t pine for a husband who will cherish you for you. That doesn’t mean that people with NPD can’t be fun loving and kind when they want to be, but there is always something in it for them.

A while back, one of our readers of this blog recommended a website www.narcissismcured.com which was started by a woman who is married to a narcissist. She is not a therapist, but she claims she worked to figure out how to change herself and in doing so, her husband began to change as well. I can’t validate their story (they live in Australia), but I’ve read some of her material and think she offers some helpful perspectives and strategies for you to keep sane in the midst of staying married to a man who has a deeply entrenched problem.

If you Google narcissism, you will also find other helpful material on the web as well as support groups for people who live with or are related to a narcissistic person. One of the things I always tell people is that truthful information can be very helpful in making wise decisions. Before you end your marriage, make sure you have done all you can to stay safely as well as sanely.

Friends, share with this woman what strategies you’ve used to stay safe and sane with a selfish person.

Help! I'm Turning Into an Abuser Just Like My Abuser!

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 16:39:00 +0000

Good Monday Morning Friends,

I just returned from my annual girlfriend retreat. These wonderful women are such encouragers and truth tellers in my life. Do you have some real friends that you trust? People who know you well and you can be totally real with? God tells us that we need community and we need one another. The writer of Ecclesiastes says, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help, but someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm, but how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).

For those of you in difficult and destructive marriages, you are very vulnerable to being negatively impacted by your abusive husband. Please don’t isolate yourself. His words are much more potent when you don’t have other people who tell you differently about yourself. His cruelty, lack of respect and compassion not only beat you down, but can infect you with its poison so that you start becoming like the very things you hate. This week’s blog will help you protect yourself.

This week’s question: My eyes are starting to be open to the fact that I am in an emotionally abusive marriage. I’m not sure what I’m going to do about that just yet, but I’ve also seen myself acting abusively. I’m harsh with my children and I’m retaliating against my husband, mostly in subtle ways, but it scares me. I’m so angry and resentful I don’t even know who I am anymore. What can I do to heal my own heart before I ever figure out what I’m supposed to do about my marriage?

Answer: You are so wise to recognize that living with an abusive person has very negative effects on you. The Bible tells us when we are around angry people we can become just like them (Proverbs 22:24-25).

A person can’t help but feel angry and hurt when they are mistreated, but those emotions can quickly harden into bitterness and resentment if we’re not vigilant. It’s crucial that if you’re in a destructive marriage you not lose your empathy and compassion as a person.

The capacity for empathy and compassion are hardwired by God into the human heart and brain. They’re essential for all relationships to be maintained and healed. Jesus tells us that we are to treat people as we would want to be treated, not as they deserve (Luke 6:21). Perhaps one of the reasons your husband behaves the way he does with no remorse or change is he has lost his ability to feel your pain or is incapable of genuine empathy and compassion for others.

If that’s the case, do you want to be like that? When we’ve lost our empathy and compassion for others, or never had it, we are diminished as human beings and our darker selfish side will always rule us. When that happens, it’s impossible to maintain loving connection with others. Also, when we behave as our worst selves toward those we are supposed to love, we do not and cannot feel good about ourselves.

Empathy and compassion are probably the last things you feel or want to feel toward your husband right now, but aren’t those the core emotions you wished your spouse felt toward you? Don’t you wish your husband felt, even for a minute, what it was like to be in your shoes when he screams at you, ignores you for weeks, berates you, sexually uses or abuses you, lies to you, terrifies you, cheats on you, rages at you, humiliates you, slaps you, and turns your own children against you? If he could feel compassion for you in your exhaustion, your discouragement, your confusion, your hurt, your sadness, your fear and your hopelessness, maybe it might cause him to stop and think about what he’s doing and want to change.

One of the things that kills empathy and compassion for someone we once felt love towards is the build-up of negative emotions, especially resentment. Jesus knows that when we’re struggling with the effects of a person’s sin against us, we will feel angry, scared and hurt. That is human and normal. But when the person who has hurt us is not sorry or continues to hurt us again and again, our negative emotions grow and resentment builds, putting a choke hold on all our positive feelings. I believe that is one reason why the bible commands us to forgive when someone hurts us and why Jesus tells us to love our enemy by doing him or her good. It’s not only for their benefit, but for ours so that we don’t fill up with resentment and become toxic.

Doing good towards your enemy may not make any difference to him, but it will make a huge difference in you. Hear me. It’s not what your husband does to you that will wield the fatal blow to your personhood, but rather what you do with what he does to you. Do you allow it to destroy you? Do you allow it to embitter you? Do you allow its poison to suck all the goodness and love from your soul so that all that’s left is a shriveled up heart that snarls and shames and scoots to safety in order to not get hurt again?

It sounds crazy and opposite to what we would humanly think of as a smart thing to do, but ask God to give you his heart of compassion for your spouse. Empathy for someone does not mean enabling him or trusting him or allowing him to hurt you. It means you recognize he’s a sinner just like you. You feel sad for the man he has become instead of mad that he is such a lousy husband. It means you will not treat him as he deserves but you will treat him as a human being who is created in God’s image. That does not mean you never communicate some hard truth or set boundaries with him, but learn to do it without contempt, shame or disrespect. Doing so will give you a much better chance at being heard.

You can choose to grow in Christ-like character through your difficult circumstances or you can succumb to the lies of your real enemy, Satan. The bible warns us, “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). The devil may already be chomping away at your husband’s heart, but don’t let him get yours too. Maintaining your empathy and compassion not only protects you from staying a victim, it protects you from becoming an abuser.

Marital adversity not only reveals character, it shapes it. You have a choice about how that shaping is taking place right now. When you know and believe that you are a loved, valuable, worthwhile human being and live from that core place, toxic people lose their power to manipulate you. They can’t control and intimidate you as they once did when you felt worthless, dependent and needy. If you don’t strengthen your connection with God, you will always live from your circumstances and your emotions. On the other hand, when you live from who God says you are, your abusive/destructive husband might permanently damage your marriage but he cannot destroy you.

Friends, those of you living in toxic relationships, share how you keep from losing your empathy and compassion even toward your enemy.

Doesn’t Love Cover a Multitude of Sins?

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 14:16:00 +0000

Good morning friends,

Today I’m in sunny (hopefully) Texas at a getaway with some girlfriends who I meet with once a year to learn from, cry with, be accountable to and have fun with. We’ve been doing this for four or five years now and I always look forward to this time of reflection, redirection and sometimes even rebuke.

Let me ask you a question. What do you think people would say if you invited them to tell you something about yourself that’s obvious to them but you don’t see? Scary isn’t it? Yet we all have blind spots and we all need those in our lives courageous and loving enough who will tell us the truth, not just what we want to hear. Hebrews 3:13 says, “Let us encourage one another day after day unless any one of us become hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” But don’t forget, telling someone the truth without love can sound harsh, and we usually aren’t very receptive to it. It’s easier to take it in when we know that the one who tells us has our very best interests at heart.

Today’s question addresses that issue in marriage.

Question: I’m pretty sure our marriage is emotionally destructive based on all I’ve read and everything you said, but I know that I am as much a sinner as much husband is. I am no more deserving of grace than he is. We are all utterly sinful and only by God’s sheer undeserving grace are we loved and saved and brought into God’s family. The bible teaches us that “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8) and “It is good for us to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11).

As I think about that powerful gospel truth…I wonder…is it right of me to hold my husband’s sin/blindness to his own sin against him? Shouldn’t I just keep quiet and minister to him, and pray that he will see God’s love in me?

Answer: Some of you might be struggling with this same question. Who are we to judge our husband or ask him to change when we have plenty of our own sins? Jesus makes it clear. It is not our right or responsibility to judge or condemn anyone (Matthew 7:1,2).

God instructs believers to forbear with and forgive one another. We know we all fail one another (James 3:2), and we’ve already seen that we should take the log out of our own eye before attempting to deal with the speck in someone else’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5). To bring up each and every offense in any relationship would become tiresome indeed.

Love does cover a multitude of sins, but not all sins. The scriptures tell us to warn those who are lazy (1 Thessalonians 5:14). We are not to participate in unfruitful deeds of darkness (Ephesians 5:11). We’re instructed to bring a brother back who has wandered from the truth (James 5:19), as well as restore someone who is caught in a trespass (Galatians 6:1). When someone offends us, we’re to go talk with them so that our relationship can be repaired (Matthew 18:15-17).

Yes, we ought to forgive and forbear, overlooking minor offenses hoping others will do the same for us. And, we are to speak up when someone’s sin is hurting them, hurting others, or hurting us. It’s not either or, but both.

Serious and repetitive sin is lethal to any relationship. We would not be loving our husband or doing him good if we kept quiet and colluded with his self-deception or enabled his sin to flourish without any attempt to speak truth into his life (Ephesians 4:15). Yes, we are called to be imitators of Christ and live a life of love; however, let’s be careful that we do not put a heavy burden on ourselves (or allow someone else to put it on us) to do something that God himself does not do. God is gracious to the saint and unrepentant sinner alike, but he does not have close relationship with both. He says our sins separate us from him (Isaiah 59:2; Jeremiah 5:25).

When someone repeatedly and seriously sins against us and is not willing to look at what he’s done and is not willing to change, it is not possible to have a warm or close relationship. We’ve misunderstood (or been taught) unconditional love requires unconditional relationship. There is an important distinction. God does not have intimate fellowship with the person who will not see, take responsibility for, or ask forgiveness for his or her sin. Jesus’ conversations with the Pharisee’s are examples of him challenging their self-deception and pride so they would repent and experience true fellowship with him (Matthew 23). He loved them, but they did not enjoy a loving or safe relationship. Jesus never pretended otherwise.

A marriage that has no boundaries or conditions is not psychologically healthy nor is it spiritually sound. It enables someone to continue to believe that the rules of life don’t apply to them, and if they do something hurtful or sinful, they shouldn’t have to suffer the relational fallout. That thinking is not biblical, healthy, or true. For the good of our spouse, our marriage, ourselves and our children, there are times we must make some tough choices. We must speak up, set boundaries and implement consequences when our husband’s behavior is destroying what God holds so precious—people, marriage, and family. Scripture warns, “He who conceals his sins does not prosper” (Proverbs 28:18).

Yes, your husband desperately needs to see God’s love, but he also desperately needs to see himself more truthfully so that he can wake up and ask God to help him make necessary changes. Staying mindful that you too are a sinner is important because it keeps you on level playing ground with your spouse. You are not better and God doesn’t love you more than he loves your husband. You are both broken and in desperate need of God’s healing grace. The problem is that he’s been unwilling to see his part of the destruction. He’s been unwilling to confess or take responsibility or get the help he needs to change his destructive ways. Instead he’s minimized, denied, lied, excused, rationalized or blamed others (mostly you).

Confronting someone and/or implementing tough consequences should never be done to scold, shame, condemn or punish. We have one purpose—to jolt someone awake. We hope that by doing so, they will come to their senses, turn to God and stop their destructive behaviors.

What to do when his depression is hurting you.

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 17:31:00 +0000

Happy New Year’s Eve!

What resolutions are you making this year? Do you typically keep them? I dread heading to the gym on Tuesday because it will be crowded with all of us who made 2013 the year to lose weight. Research shows however, that most people fail to keep their New Year’s resolutions often as early as by January 15^th. Hopefully it won’t be me. I need the exercise. My body always feels so much better when I take care of it.

If you’ve made and kept your New Year’s Resolutions in the past, I’d be interested in what you did to be successful – and I’m sure our blog community would be interested too. Share with us your tips for staying on track, keeping yourself accountable and achieving success.

Today’s Question: My husband and I have been married for 27 years. I have been reading your books and articles and they have been a blessing to me. Without going into great detail, my husband suffers from major depression.

He controls the finances, disregards my feelings and desires, lies constantly and can be emotionally and verbally abusive. There is--or was--a kind and honorable man in there, but I don't see him much anymore, and living with the " other guy" is wearing me down to nothing.

After facing financial ruin 5 years ago and managing to get out of debt by the grace of God and start over, he went behind my back to fund his "projects" and we are right back where we started. I have been an enabler who vacillates between keeping the peace and occasionally breaking down and yelling/ crying, but I am trying to change.

I just need to know...can I hold a depressed person accountable for these actions? His view of reality is skewed and I’ve tried so hard to be kind and supportive but I am so drained. I am afraid if he is forced to confront his behaviors he will be suicidal, but the stress of living this way is too much.

Also, how do I set boundaries on the spending? We have agreed on budgets, etc., but he ignores them. He promised me he would not put us in debt again, but he broke that promise in a big way, some of it behind my back, some of it while I begged him not to. What can I do to protect me and my son? He is not speaking to me today because I confronted him about some lies I just discovered regarding finances. I am scared of what he will do if I try to take this away from him, and don't know that I can anyway.

Answer: You are struggling with several issues at once so I think it might be helpful to separate them a bit for greater clarity. The first is your husband’s depression. How long has he been depressed and is he getting any treatment for it? Does he have a doctor or counselor that he’s working with? If not why not? Depression is a treatable problem. Does he have any family history of bi-polar depression? His spending issues may indicate some mania. If so, be sure to mention this to his treatment provider.

Male depression typically manifests differently than female depression. A depressed woman tends to internalize her pain and blames herself. A depressed male usually externalizes his pain and blames others and circumstances. His externalized pain results in lashing out toward loved ones, sometimes leading to abusive incidents (either verbal and/or physical).

Although depression does rob an individual of his or her ability to think clearly, it does not rob them of all sense of reality or truth, nor does being depressed give him an excuse to sin or act in ways that injure those he says he loves, whether financially, relationally, physically or emotionally.

Sometimes it’s our compassion, sometimes it’s our fears, but It sounds like you’ve been giving your husband a get out jail free card when he sins against you or your family because you’re trying to be sensitive to his depression. The problem I see is that it’s not helping. Shielding your husband from the reality and consequences of his behavior is not helping him get better. It’s not helping him stop his abusive/deceitful behaviors, and it’s taking you to the edge of your own cliff where you are feeling like you can’t take much more. Therefore, let me suggest a different approach and it starts with asking God for wisdom because it’s scary to set boundaries and implement consequences when you’re not sure of what will happen next.

First, I want you to accept the very painful reality that the only person you can take full responsibility for is you (unless you have an infant in the home). Therefore, you need to get your own help to handle yourself in this situation. You acknowledged you are an enabler. Until you address why you keep enabling behavior that becomes destructive to you, to him and to your future, you will probably keep repeating it or will be too afraid to change it.

One thing you mentioned is your fear of him committing suicide. Yet you also indicated in your question that you just recently confronted his lying about finances and he didn’t threaten suicide, he just stopped speaking to you. Suicide is a real possibility with someone who is not only depressed, but has lost hope. But threatening suicide can also be used to manipulate others into doing what they want.

I hear you loud and clear that you are nearly at the end of your rope. Living with a depressed person definitely takes its toll on the rest of the family. That’s why it’s so crucial that you get your own support and help right now, not only to stop enabling his behaviors, but to stay healthy and strong yourself.

I’m going to give you a few things to think about – hopefully you will have the courage and strength to implement them. They will be crucial to your long term sanity as well as safety.

Tell someone what’s going on. Secrets are lethal and you need some support. You can share what’s happening without throwing your husband under the bus. Be wise who you share this with, but you need someone who can pray for you and perhaps be an advocate with you in talking with your husband. That might be another family member such as an adult child or one of his siblings, a good friend, or your pastor.

You must also start to exercise some stewardship over your life. You do not have power over your husband’s life although you do have considerable influence. Therefore, I want you to tell your husband that his depression is now affecting you and your marriage. You can say it lovingly like, “I need for you to get help now. You may be able to live with your depression but I can’t. You’re not behaving like the man you once were.”

You said in your question that somewhere inside of him there is a kind and honorable man but his negative emotions rule him and cloud his thinking and judgment. That can happen to all of us and sometimes it’s helpful when we have a grace-filled truth teller come along side of us to remind us who we are. Read the story in the Bible where Abigail had a heart-to-heart conversation with David after her husband refused to feed David and his men. David was humiliated and outraged. He vowed to kill every male in Nabal’s household. Boldly yet humbly, Abigail went to meet David with supplies of food. In their conversation, she reminded him who he was (the Lord’s anointed and the future king of Israel). This helped him to press pause on his destructive emotions of rage long enough to rethink his decision to kill all of Nabal’s men. (Read 1 Samuel 25: 29-35) for the story.)

In a similar way, I’d like you to try to have that kind of conversation with your husband. Humbly remind him who he is (a child of God, an honorable man, whatever good characteristics you know of him) and encourage him not to allow his depressed feelings to rule his heart or his decisions. Ask him to be willing to receive help to manage these depressed emotions so that he can be the person God wants him to be.

He may have all kinds of objections to getting outside help. Here is where you must stay strong and firm. His depression is not only causing him distress, it’s causing you distress. He is making poor decisions and these decisions affect you and your child. Affirm that you love him and want to see him get well and your marriage to thrive. If he agrees to see a doctor, or if he has one already, insist on going with him and report to the doctor the changes in him that you observe. For example, he doesn’t’ sleep well, he’s spending recklessly, he’s angry all the time, he is impulsive, etc. If he goes alone, he may minimize his symptoms or not recognize some of the things he does that are upsetting to you.

You don’t share whether or not you are employed, but at this time I would separate your finances and open a separate checking account with just your name on it exercising good stewardship over your finances. Since he has been irresponsible and deceitful with the finances, the consequences are that you are going to be in charge of family finances until he gets better. That may motivate him to get the help he needs as well as set some limits on his access to family money. Do not sign for loans or credit cards or home equity loans. This is not helpful to him or to you. This is where your enabling may need to be addressed so you don’t fall victim again.

It’s important that you realize that you are not only doing this for your protection, you are doing it for his. When you know someone is not making good decisions, you don’t give them unlimited access to things that could harm them or others. For example, if you had guns in the house you would remove them or make sure they were locked up. If you had a lot of prescription pills in the house, you would lock them up. Taking charge of the finances is not just for your protection, it’s for his. The shame that he feels for lying and failing again to appropriately manage money contributes to his feelings of worthlessness and feeds the cycle of depression and may lead to hopelessness – thinking he’ll never get better.

There is an excellent book I’d recommend you check out of your library called, How You can Survive When They’re Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout by Anne Sheffield. It will help you be a good steward of your own life as well as wisely set appropriate boundaries with your spouse.

Friends, have any of you experienced living with a chronically depressed person? What steps did you take to keep yourself safe, strong, and sane?

The Destructive Elements of Neediness Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 24 Dec 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Merry Christmas Eve,

I love to read and I’m wondering if you’d be willing to share with me and the rest of our blog community some of your favorite novels you’ve read this year? I’m on a dry stretch and haven’t read anything I’ve LOVED for a while. What books have you loved, you couldn’t put down, stirred your heart, made you cry, or told all your friends they needed to read this book. It’s probably too late to put them on my Christmas list, but I will put them on my kindle and then have my 2013 fun reading all ready. Thanks.

Last week I blogged about the first kind of unhealthy dependency that always spells disaster in relationships. If you didn’t read that blog, I’d encourage you to scroll backwards and catch up as this week I want to talk about a second kind of unhealthy dependency.

This kind of dependency isn’t I NEED you to LOVE me in order for me to be okay, but I NEED you to NEED me in order for me to be okay. The same emphasis is on the word me but with a slightly different bent. This kind of dependent person often functions as a rescuer, hero, fixer, or the more capable one when in reality he or she is also quite needy but unaware of it. He uses people to feel better about himself. He does this by taking care of other’s problems or being over involved in people’s lives all the while staying completely blind to his own problems. He or she is usually attracted to someone who is weak, vulnerable, or one who needs fixing or rescuing. The destructive thing about a fixer or rescuer is that they don’t really want the other person to get healthy because then he or she wouldn’t need them any longer. We often see this kind of dysfunctional pattern with parents who are unable to let go of their adult children, enabling them to stay weak and dependent on them because of their need to be needed.

Brenda was married to a chiropractor who loved taking care of everyone, including her. He was well loved by his patients because he took the time to listen and was readily available whenever they had a need. For Brenda however, his hovering over her felt demeaning. He called her constantly, checking on her whereabouts, making sure she was safe. He questioned how she did things and whether or not it was the “best” way they could be done. He evaluated her diet and told her where she could make improvements to lose weight. He insisted she put socks on at the airport because he didn’t want her bare feet touching the dirty floor when they went through security.

At first she found his attention flattering, but now she hated it. She wanted to make her own decisions about what she ate or whether or not she wanted to put socks on during their travels without a constant commentary about what she was doing wrong or what she could do better. Brenda often tried asserting herself, but it never ended well. Once she told Ted that she was not going to order something on the menu just because he said it was better for her, and then Ted sulked the rest of the evening, saying she didn’t appreciate how much he loved her.

And, Brenda had to admit, she didn’t. She felt angrier and angrier and hated being treated like a child. Sometimes she found herself acting like a compliant little girl who did whatever her daddy wanted, and then she’d switch into a rebellious teenager who talked back and wasn’t going to listen at all. She loathed what was happening to herself and her marriage, but didn’t know how to change the unhealthy dance they both were dancing. In a mature relationship, the goal is for both individuals to fully function as healthy adults. However, in a dependent relationship where one wants to fix and control someone else, attempts for independence are seen as threats to the rescuer’s sense of worth and are usually squashed or undermined creating a destructive pattern to the marriage and both individuals in the relationship.

Clinging, smothering, demanding and controlling are the signs of unhealthy dependence in one or both people in the relationship. If you recognize yourself in some of these descriptions, don’t beat yourself. Instead, see it as God opening your eyes to your unhealthy dependency and listen and learn what he calls you to do in order to become emotionally healthy and whole.

If you need more help in that process, you may want to consider giving yourself the gift of coaching in 2013. Please click /http://www.leslievernick.com/coaching-application/ for more information.

The Destructive Elements of Neediness

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 17 Dec 2012 15:18:00 +0000

Good morning friends,

As all of us, I have watched with horror the unfolding of Friday’s shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School. If you don’t subscribe to my newsletter yet, you might want to do so now. I look at the question, “Why does God allow Bad Things to Happen?” It is hard to understand why God allows evil to do its dastardly deeds. Please get a copy of my newsletter to begin a dialogue about this important question.

This week’s Question: I am a “co-dependent”. I just realized this about a year ago and with God’s love and help, I am learning to think about myself and others differently, in the context of God’s love and my purpose in Him. I have read material from various sources, some with very helpful information, and I keep reading about people meeting my needs. This is the mindset I grew up with, but it left me empty for years. When I read the Bible and listen to the Spirit, the message I hear is that God will meet my needs. He works through people to meet my physical needs, but if I continue to look to people to meet my emotional or spiritual needs, I will be on a life-long search with no satisfaction. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this.

Answer: I’ve been receiving a lot of questions from people on dependency issues so this week and next I’m going to blog about two kinds of dependency that are lethal to forming healthy relationships.

Let me lay the foundation. God created human beings to live in dependence to him (not people). When the Lord instructed Adam and Eve not to eat the forbidden fruit, he wanted them to completely rely on him for all things good. Sadly, they chose to go outside the boundaries God established. They rejected the God ordained limits of their humanness and believed the lie that they could be as god (Genesis 3:5). As a consequence of their disobedience, we all have the same bent. We strive to be god instead of worshipping and depending on the one true God. We deny our position as dependent creatures and we also put our dependence on people or things instead of wholly on God.

It’s true. God intended us to have relationship with people, and all healthy relationships have some degree of interdependence. However, the only person who should be totally dependent on someone else to meet all of his or her needs is an infant. Once an individual starts to mature, he or she becomes less and less dependent on one person (mom or dad) for her entire well-being and learns to assume some responsibility for herself. She also grows to trust that God uses variety of people to meet some of her needs, including a spouse, but accepts that a husband or one person will never meet all of her needs or wants.

That said, there are two types of unhealthy dependence that will cause a marriage (or any other adult relationship) to become destructive. This week I’ll talk about the first one, and next week I will talk about the other one.

The first kind of dependency is where I NEED you to love me in order for me to be okay. This person puts another individual in God’s place as his or her foundational source for love and acceptance. They seek a love object to fill them up, to complete them, to rescue them or make them happy. They feel empty inside with no strong core of who they are. Therefore, they come to a relationship starving; looking for someone to nourish them like a baby seeks a mother or a tic seeks a dog.

Elise came to counseling feeling suicidal after a breakup initiated by her boyfriend. She sobbed, “What did I do wrong? Why couldn’t he love me?” No amount of rational talk about personality differences, him not being the right one, or God’s will could soothe Elise’s broken heart. His rejection of her defined her. She said, “What’s wrong with me? I feel so unworthy, I want to die.” This kind of thinking is dangerous and destructive. Even if Elise found a man to love her, what mere mortal could fully fill her empty love tank? And when he fails (as he will), what happens to her or to him?

In the movie “Jerry McGuire,” women in the audience collectively swooned when Tom Cruise told Rene Zellweger, “I love you. You complete me.” It’s a nice line for a Hollywood movie, but don’t fall for it. The truth is, if we need someone to complete us, we won’t make a good marriage partner or a good friend. No other human being can complete us if we are not whole ourselves. Only God completes us.

It is quite seductive when a man whispers in our ear, “I love how you love me.” Or, “I need you to complete me.” But stop for a minute and listen to the words. The emphasis is on the word me. It’s a selfish love because it’s self-focused and toxic to the person who is being loved. It’s not I love you, but rather I love youloving me.

Ava was married to a man whose love started to suffocate her. She said, “I can’t breathe. My husband sticks to me like a barnacle. I’m exhausted trying to meet his constant demands for reassurance, attention, and sex. There is no room in this relationship for me to be me or for him to love me. I exist to take care of him”

Oswald Chambers writes,

"If we love a human being and do not love God, we demand of him every perfection and every rectitude, and when we do not get it, we become cruel and vindictive; we are demanding of a human being that which he or she cannot give. There is only one Being who can satisfy the last aching abyss of the human heart and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. Why our Lord is apparently so severe regarding every human relationship is because he knows that every human relationship not based on loyalty to Himself will end in disaster."

That’s why I’m very wary about relationship books where the main emphasis is how to meet one another’s needs. It sets up unrealistic expectations that a human being can or should fulfill another’s needs. If they don’t, or can’t, the person is left empty. God may indeed use a spouse or parent or friend to meet some of our needs, but there is no human being that will ever be able to meet all of our needs or wants. When we put another person in God’s place, it is idolatry and it will always leave us feeling empty.

Next week I’ll talk about another kind of dependency relationship that is also lethal to healthy relationships.

Friends, share ways you have been too dependent, or others have been too dependent on you and it has ruined your relationship.

What are the consequences for serious sin?

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 14:42:00 +0000

Hey friends,

This weekend I’m in Chicago visiting my family for Christmas. I’m eating pizza, pizza, pizza and, if you know Chicago’s pizza, it’s the best!

This week’s question: I so enjoyed your book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong, I want to read it over again and pray and meditate on some of the truths you wrote. However, in reading the book and praying, I’ve been a little confused. I’ve also been doing a bible study on the Wife of Noble Character. I am learning how to handle myself when my husband is sarcastic or short tempered, but where I have found it difficult is if he says something to me that is really hurtful and mean or when I catch him in a lie. For example, he was out of town when his cell phone accidently dialed home. When I asked him where he was, he told me he was in his hotel room when he was really with his coworkers at a bar. He apologized later, but I fear it can’t be the first time he has lied. Also, when I forgive him for instances like these and even bigger things like when he’s been verbally abusive towards me, it’s hard to be intimate and I really don’t know how to respond.

My question is, what would natural consequences be for lying and being verbally abusive towards me? How do I respond besides saying, “You will not talk with me that way” or “I deserve to be told the truth and it’s important for me to trust you.”

He’s a good father and good man in so many ways, but at times like these I just don’t know what to do.

Answer: You are on the right track by attending to your relationship with God and to your own responses rather than trying to change your husband. One of the things that you identify that is greatly impacted by your husband’s behavior is your ability to trust him and your desire to be intimate. Honey, those ARE the natural consequences for what is happening in your relationship.

It still surprises me that people fail to understand a simple Biblical concept. The apostle Paul says “what we sow, we reap” (Galatians 6:7). In other words, your husband cannot lie to you and verbally abuse you and continue to expect that your marriage will thrive and feel close, warm and intimate. That’s like stomping on my flower garden and still expecting flowers to grow, or showing up late for work and still expecting my boss will give me a promotion and raise.

It doesn’t happen that way. Your husband might be a great guy 75% of the time, but what about the other 25% or even 10%? What’s that negative time doing to the stability and health of your marriage and family life? If I stomp on some of my plants only one time, they’re finished blooming. That’s it.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m trying to say. No marriage has 100% great times. There is no perfect husband or wife and so there is sin and suffering in every marriage. But how those difficult times are dealt with and repaired makes all the difference in the health and well-being of the marital relationship. It sounds like you’re trying hard to do your part to not overreact, return evil for evil, or treat your husband disrespectfully just because he treats you that way. However, if he continues to lie and/or verbally abuse you, his actions are just as destructive to the health of your marriage as swinging an axe into your bedroom walls would be to your physical home. Acting that way causes damage and it takes time to repair it. The more often it happens, the harder it is to keep fixing it.

So, your next step is to have an honest talk with him about what’s going on. Perhaps he isn’t connecting the dots, but for the welfare of your marriage and yourself, you must now connect them for him. I love the Hebrew word ezer in the scriptures that traditionally has been translated for women as “helpmeet”. Helpmeet is not the best translation of ezer because it doesn’t convey the true strength of the role given to women. Carolyn Custis James, in her insightful book, Lost Women of the Bible, writes, “The ezer is a warrior, and this has far reaching implications for women, not only in marriage, but in every relationship, season, and walk of life.” She says, “Eve and all her daughters are ezers – strong warriors who stand alongside their brothers in the battle for God’s kingdom.”

I want you to gear up for battle through prayer. You are an ezer for your husband and your family. Paul tells us God gives us power to demolish strongholds (2 Corinthians 10:4). Next, you are going to prepare your heart to have a hard (not harsh) talk with your husband about what’s going on and the consequences to your marriage when he chooses to lie and verbally abuse you. Jesus says we prepare for these kinds of hard talks by taking the log out of our own eye before we try to remove the speck from our brother’s eye (Matthew 7:3). So deal with your anger, face your fear and see if there is any resentment or bitterness or whatever sin that is in you that Satan could use to confuse you and twist things around.

As you’ve done this preparation, you’ll have a humble and gentle heart which is the one most likely to be heard. Humility doesn’t mean weak nor is it passive. Remember, you are an ezer, and that means you are a strong warrior woman who is fighting for the integrity of her marriage and well-being of her husband. Plan your conversation so that your word choice reflects how his behaviors are hurting you, hurting the marriage and hurting your ability to be intimate as well as trust him. For example you might say something like this:

“I love you. I want more than anything else to have a strong loving marriage and a great family life with you for as long as I live. However, I know you’ve noticed that I’m having trouble being intimate with you lately and I don’t trust you. None of us is perfect and I’m not expecting you to be perfect, but I am asking you, for the welfare of our relationship, to tell me the truth even when you don’t think I’ll like it. I also need you to respect me, even when you’re angry. (Be specific here with what he does that feels like abuse to you – whether that is name calling, cursing at you, etc).

“Lying to me and calling me names when you’re angry is not acceptable to me, even occasionally, and I won’t continue to allow myself to be treated that way. I need you to know that if you choose to to act that way, it will negatively impact our marriage even more than it has already. I don’t want that to happen and that’s why I’m talking with you now. I want us to heal and thrive and be close, but it’s important that you understand something about me. I will never feel close to you if I can’t trust you or if I feel afraid (or disrespected by) of you. It’s just not possible for me.”

Then stop talking and wait for his response. If he agrees that he needs to change, then ask him what can you do to respectfully remind him of this new commitment when you’re fearing he’s lying again or he begins to talk disrespectfully to you (because no one changes overnight). This will be a good indicator of his desire to stop these destructive behaviors. When we’re truly repentant, we’re willing to be accountable for making the changes we say we will make.

Start there and see how it goes. If things deteriorate, I’d encourage you to get my other book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. In it, you will find specific resources and next steps.

Friends, any suggestions you have for this woman?

Developing Strength in a Destructive Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 18:14:00 +0000

Happy Monday Friends,

I decided I needed the weekend off. NO writing. No working. Do you know what I did instead? I threw out months of old catalogs that have accumulated. I shopped for Christmas. I ate out. I pulled all my spring and summer flowers out of their vases and thought about what to replace them with that would look more wintry. And can you believe my silk forsythia branches were still in a red glass vase on my dining room table? I’m embarrassed to tell you!

I also went back to the gym (haven’t seen the place in 8 months). My treadmill helped, but I still ended up with a bit of a “book butt” sitting and writing all day and all weekend long. People think writing is glamorous, but honestly writing is just plain hard work. You can’t think about decorating or shopping or playing when you’re writing. At least I can’t.

Today I’m going to share with you a little except from my new book (chapter 8) that has to do with building up your core strength. The tentative title my publisher has selected is shown too. Let me know what you think.

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope

- Why the Problem Isn’t Yours—But the Solution Is
- When to Fight for Your Marriage and When to Let Go
- How to Make Necessary Changes and Move Toward Healing

Many of you reading this blog are in destructive marriages. You’re tired. You’re confused. You’re afraid. You have no idea what to do to change your marriage, but you notice that you are changing. You are not the person you used to be, and perhaps not the person you want to be. You don’t like what’s happening to you. I want to give you four steps that you can practice that will help you gain CORE strength.

My friend Barb’s beach house is a little slice of heaven on earth. Her home away from home is built right on the boardwalk, and I can sit on her balcony and watch the dolphins play. I love the salty air, the ocean breezes and all the foods I don’t normally eat, like extra cheesy Manco and Manco pizza and lemon Polish water ice. Barb and I get up early in the morning before it gets too hot and take our five mile power walk up one end of the boardwalk and down the other. The last morning of one of our mini vacations was exceptionally hot, and ten minutes into our walk I was already drenched in salty sticky sweat, my hair matted close to my head. When we completed our five mile trek, Barb turned toward me, her hair still fluffy with her skin only slightly glistening, and said, “Leslie, I’ve noticed you’ve been slouching.”

Slouching? Really? In this heat, what do you expect?I thought to myself. Barb’s words stung hard, but I knew she was right. I had exercised most of my adult life, but over the past few years admittedly I had gotten lazy. I guess it showed more than I noticed, not only in my waist line but in my posture. When I returned home, I called a gym and made an appointment with someone who could help me.

The following week I reluctantly met with Chris, a young, burly fitness trainer who pushed me through a battery of tests and finished our evaluation by whipping out a camera. Already I felt old, frumpy, and fat, but it got worse. You know the saying a picture doesn’t lie. The truth was right in front of me. My shoulders slumped, my belly pouched out, my back swayed and my neck and chin somehow jutted out from my shoulders in a most unflattering way—and I worked hard to stand up straight when he took the picture. Chris turned to me eyebrows raised and said, “You need to build your core.”

“What’s that?” I asked, dreading his response.

“Your core muscles wrap around your abdomen and back and they support your spine and keep you balanced and stable,” Chris said. “Bottom line, a strong core keeps you from slouching and looking old.” Then he asked, “Are you ready to get to work?”

“Ummm, let me think about this for a few days,” I stammered, anxious to bolt out of there as soon as possible.

After a good cry, I realized I was faced with a tough choice. I was either going to work hard to strengthen my core muscles or I could continue to do nothing and become fatter and more slouched. I didn’t like those two alternatives. I wanted Chris to tell me that there was a third choice, a pill I could take or a massage I could get, something that didn’t hurt and was easier than working out with weights three times a week. But that wasn’t one of my options if I wanted to improve my core and my weight, as well as my overall body alignment.

If you’re in a destructive marriage, you know that you have some difficult choices in front of you. Believe me. I know change is hard, and sometimes we’re only motivated to change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than our fear or pain of making the change. You can choose to grow stronger through this destructive marriage or not, but if you choose to do nothing, understand what it will cost you.

Your emotional, mental, and spiritual core will get weaker and weaker, curving inward until your entire person-hood is out of alignment. Sacrificing yourself by allowing someone to sin against you to keep peace in your marriage is never a wise choice, not for you, not for your husband, not for your marriage. God calls us to be biblical peacemakers, not peacekeepers or peace fakers.

Whether you’re in a destructive marriage or not, these four core strengths are essential to build and maintain good mental, emotional, spiritual and relational health. I will use the acronym CORE to help you remember what they are. With God at our center and with his help we will choose to be:

C I will be committed to truth, both internally in my own heart and mind and externally. I refuse to pretend.

O I will be open to the Holy Spirit and wise others, teaching me, maturing me, and guiding me into his way of living my life.

R I will be responsible for my own responses to destructive behavior and commit to being respectful without dishonoring myself.

E I will be empathetic and compassionate towards others without enabling people to continue to abuse and disrespect me. empathetic

If you don’t strengthen your core, you will always live from your circumstances and your emotions. On the other hand, when you live from your core, your abusive/destructive husband might permanently damage your marriage, but he cannot destroy you.

Don’t forget, your CORE reflects who you are or who you want to be, not just what you do.

You Matter to God

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 20:11:00 +0000

Dear Friends,

Woohoo, the book is done! Well not exactly done; I still have to get all my end notes and appendixes in order but as done as it’s going to be today. I worked so hard all weekend, that I think I’m going to have curvature of my spine from hunching over my computer 12 hours a day. I didn’t even get on my treadmill and try writing. I just hunkered down and completed the job, and I believe it will be a tremendous resource and encouragement for women in destructive marriages. I praise God that he has given me the words to say as I would not have thought of all these things on my own--that’s for sure.

But I’m tired. I mean really tired. I think I could sleep for a week; just crawl into my bed and not get out for 7 whole days, maybe more.

So instead of answering a new question this week, I dug out an old article I wrote about a tired broken women who needed a special touch from Jesus. Maybe that’s you today. I trust it will bless your heart.

You Matter To God

We’ve all read the story of the women who had an issue of blood for 12 years. You know her; she touched the hem of Jesus’ garment, hoping to be healed. But let’s look more closely at her story to understand how deeper healing takes place. (Read Mark 5 and Luke 8 for the story.)

Here is a woman who was an outcast. She was labeled an unclean woman, socially unacceptable, undesirable, and dirty. Jewish law mandated that if someone touched an unclean person, they would need to go through the Jewish purification ritual in order to regain their rights to enter the temple. She was an untouchable woman and people kept their distance. She had spent all her resources to find help, but she only got worse. This woman heard Jesus coming and thought to herself, “if only I can touch his cloak, I will be healed.” And to her surprise ─she was!

Immediately she tried to escape the crowd unnoticed. Remember, she touched Jesus and, according to Jewish law, that made him unclean. How embarrassed and scared she must have felt when Jesus turned and said, “Who touched me?” If she identified herself then everyone would know what she had done.

Let’s step back for a moment and look at the larger story here. Jesus was heading to Jairus’ house. Jairus was a Jewish leader, a ruler of the synagogue. Yet he approached Jesus for help because his young daughter lay dying. Jairus was a daddy before he was a religious leader, and so he fell at Jesus’ feet begging him to heal his daughter.

It was on the way to Jairus’ home with the crowd pressing in that Jesus stopped and asked who touched him? I wonder in that moment what Jairus thought and felt? Did he feel impatient, anxious for Jesus to hurry up and get to his house? His daddy’s heart wanted his daughter healed. I wonder if he also felt a bit angry at this woman for distracting Jesus and taking valuable time away from a more pressing need. I suspect he might have even felt angry at Jesus for not prioritizing his daughter’s life threatening illness over this woman’s chronic bleeding problem.

Jairus was a person of influence and importance. He was a leader. He spoke and people listened. He risked everything to beg for Jesus’ help, and now Jesus was wasting time asking who touched him while his daughter lay dying.

Do you ever feel like Jairus? God isn’t moving fast enough for your emergency? Angry and impatient that other people’s prayers are getting answered while you are still waiting?

Jairus was a daddy and wanted to see his daughter healed. But, dear readers, one of the lessons of this story is that this unnamed woman had a daddy too, and her daddy cared about her needs and he knew she had no one who begged for her healing. Jesus stopped and called her forth because he wanted her to know something very important. Listen to his words. He said, “Daughter, Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” He wanted her to know that her daddy (the Heavenly Father) saw her suffering and told Jesus to help her too.

Jesus wanted her to know that she mattered to God. Although her culture rejected her, God did not. Although she was judged to be unclean, Jesus declared her whole. He wanted her to know that she was a person of value and worth. Even in a pressured moment, Jesus took the time to have a conversation with a nameless women who felt unclean, unloved and unimportant. He wanted her to know who she was. She was a daughter of a daddy who cared.

How about you? Perhaps your mother abused you. Your husband rejects you. People don’t understand you. You feel like an unclean women, damaged goods. If only you could touch his cloak, you’d be well. I have good news for you. Daughter, go in peace and be freed from your suffering. God wants to help you. He wants you to know that you matter. You are important to him. He sees you and knows you, and he is never too busy with more important people to meet your very personal need. You are not nameless, or worthless, or hopeless. You have a daddy, he’s called Abba (Romans 8:15; Galatians 4:6). Believing that is the beginning of your healing.

As for Jairus, Jesus didn’t forget about his concern although Jarius probably felt that way when he got word that his daughter died. But Jesus turned to him and said, “Don’t be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed.” What did it take for Jairus to walk those next miles home, heavy with sorrow still clinging to faith? Perhaps that’s where you are right now. You feel hopeless or angry or disappointed. Jairus trusted what Jesus said to him and because he did, he saw a miracle. Jesus took Jairus’ precious daughter’s hand and said, “Honey, wake up.”

What is Jesus saying to you right now, even in the midst of sorrow, heartache, broken dreams and shattered promises? Can you trust what he is saying and continue to walk in faith? That is healing. He says to your right now, “Honey, wake up”.

Setting Boundaries, Entitlement Thinking and Demanding Respect

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 17:27:00 +0000

Hi Friends,

Thank you for all your helpful comments on how the church can be more helpful in situations of abuse and destructive marriages. I am in the final stretch of writing this book and I am very excited to see how God is shaping it and putting it all together. I do not think you’ll be disappointed. I have one more week to get all the details together and a little bit more to write. Please pray that I get it all done and can still enjoy my Thanksgiving.

I’m still recuperating from Grandma duty. My old body just doesn't bounce back like it used to and caring for those three precious girls was a joy but exhausting.

I have a question I’d like you to respond to in this blog. Regardless of whether you decided to stay or leave your destructive marriage, how have you dealt with the grief that life, your marriage, and family life did not turn out the way you had hoped it would?

This Week’s Question: My husband says that he is put into a kind of uncontrollable rage when I disrespect him because it is his God-given right as the husband to be respected. Last night, I told my husband, who has physically struck me in the past, that I felt unsafe in our marriage and that I thought it was necessary that we lay some ground rules and boundaries specifically to be enforced during our times of arguing and fighting so that we can keep each other accountable.

He resisted in agreeing that boundaries were the issue, but finally agreed. I told him that a universal boundary should be absolutely no physical striking or threats of physically hurting of any kind towards one another. To that he said that his boundary equivalent to mine was “no disrespecting/raising my voice to him.” He said that when he is disrespected, he feels he is being verbally abused by me, and it feels as terrible as I feel when he slaps me on the arm/leg/head.

In theory this sounds “right”. He says that I am making a double standard when I put a boundary on his behavior but that he cannot on me. And yet, something does not seem right at all about what he is saying. I agree that disrespecting your husband is as sinful as physically striking your spouse in anger. Is it biblical to see these as exactly the same in terms of setting “off limits” boundaries in disagreements?

Answer: Your struggle to think clearly in this muddle is common to women who live with abusive men. I want to help clarify some important truths.

First, your husband’s rage and subsequent acts of violence toward you are not uncontrollable. His behavior is always his choice. I’m sure he has experienced disrespect from other people in his life--his employer, a rude driver, your children, a friend, an enemy. People sin against us all the time in many ways and sometimes we do get angry. However, that doesn’t mean we hit them. In fact, isn’t that what we teach our children NOT to do when someone takes their toy or makes them mad? We don’t hit people when we’re mad. Period!

Let me ask you a question. Does your husband hit other people in the arm/leg/head when he feels disrespected? What do you imagine a police officer would say if your husband used that as his excuse when he hit someone who disrespected him in traffic or at the mall?

Hear this important truth. Your husband hits you when he is mad because he chooses to and you have continued to enable him by not enforcing legal consequences that would protect you from this kind of abusive behavior.

He says that it is his God-given right to be respected. It’s also your god given right to be loved and cherished. When he fails to love and cherish you and you feel hurt or angry, do you hit him?

The second truth I want you be crystal clear on is that you will fail your spouse and he will fail you. Sometimes these failures are big, but often they occur in little ways. He doesn't love me like I’d like or she doesn't respect me like I want her to. The truth is, our spouse doesn't always give us what we want even if what we want is a good and godly thing. Hurt and disappointment occur in every marriage, and we can feel angry.

But is the right answer to treat our spouse with abusive behavior or abusive speech when they don’t give us what we want? Jesus says “never!” The Bible labels that kind of behavior as sin and selfish and is never justified.

The truth is, no one gets everything he or she wants all of the time. Part of growing up and maturing is learning how to handle ourselves in a godly, mature way when we are disappointed, angry and hurt when we don’t get what we want.

Your husband’s entitlement thinking has deceived him into believing that since he’s entitled to be respected, he’s entitled to hit you when you’re not complying with what he wants. That is absolutely not true. How do other men handle being disrespected by their wives? They might pray for their wife. They might talk with their wife. They might get counseling as a couple. A much healthier response to his disappointment or hurt when you don’t respect him is for him to say, “Honey, that hurts me when you talk to me that way. Would you please stop?” Or even, “When you talk to me that way, I can’t hear you. I’m ending the conversation.”

As far as boundaries go, you’re right. You will never feel safe to have a conversation with your husband let alone disagree if you fear for your safety. In the same way, if your husband fears your tongue and being disrespected, it’s hard for him to share his honest thoughts and feelings with you.

However, I’m not sure of his definition of disrespect. You were very clear with your definition of what you want stopped, no physical threats or physical violence. His definition was fuzzy, “no disrespect or raising your voice.” Does that mean that when you feel strongly about something or disagree, you can’t speak with an elevated voice without him feeling disrespected? Does that mean that you cannot argue because he will feel you don’t respect his opinion? Does that mean you have to agree with everything he thinks; otherwise it will feel disrespectful to him?

You need to ask him to define for you the behavior that feels disrespectful to him. Is it calling him names? Is it swearing at him? Is it rolling your eyes? If you know what it is specifically, then you can decide whether or not you can agree to stop or change it. If you don’t know what it is, then the rules always change and he can feel disrespected just because you open your mouth in protest.

Finally, a first step boundary or safety plan for both of you might be that when either one of you feels unsafe, the one who feels unsafe can stop the conversation and the other person will respect that boundary and stop talking.

If it continues to be unsafe to have difficult discussions together and you have important things that need to be decided, then you will agree together to engage the help of a counselor to help you learn to speak safely and respectfully with one another and to handle your disappointment in a more godly way.

Dealing With a Self-Centered Spouse

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 15:33:00 +0000

Good Monday Morning, friends!

I have been crazy busy this week and I deeply appreciate your prayers. I’ve been doing grandma duty all week taking care of three little girls and their mama plus working on my new book. I’m flying home Monday, but wanted to let you know how much I appreciated your comments on last week’s blog, “Should I Stay, Should I Go?”

This week, I want to ask you another question. What do you think would be the single most important thing that church leadership could do to help you with your destructive marriage? I’m curious. I’m writing a chapter in my new book directed toward the leadership in churches so I WANT your thoughts on this.

Also, I did not write a new blog this week but want to share with you some insights from a colleague of mine, Brad Hambrick, who is a counselor and works with destructive relationships, too. He has a series of 17 short blogs on this topic, and I think you will find them wise and helpful.

http://www.bradhambrick.com/selfcenteredspouse

Blog Topic: Should I Leave or Should I Stay?

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 05 Nov 2012 15:29:00 +0000

Hi Friends,

I’m in sunny California helping my daughter with her new baby, Natalia, and my other two grandbabies, Amaya and Leilani. She has her hands full with three children under three years old. It’s exhausting just to be there for a few hours, but so much fun. I’m especially enjoying Amaya as she remembers us from our last visit and so our bond is growing. Today I painted her toenails and fingernails hot pink, and when I was finished she said she felt like a princess.

Thanks for your responses to last week’s question I posed. In my new book, I’m writing a chapter for church leaders. Pray that I can write what I need to say so that churches will hear and validate women who come to them for help.

I’m in the home stretch of writing. I have two more chapters to go plus lots of edits and footnoting. Please pray that I have some concentrated time to write, even while here.

Today’s Question: I’ve been a Christian since I was a teen, I am now 52. When my husband is mean and upset, it feels so overwhelming, I feel I could have a breakdown. He scolds me and criticizes me constantly. I try to stay composed but it takes so much emotional energy to listen to him and take it again and again. I’ve told him numerous times in our 24-year marriage how he’s hurting me, but it keeps happening again and again.

I’m afraid of him. I wanted to leave him once, but he said he would kill himself so I didn’t leave, but I’m getting to the breaking point. I’m exhausted from having to deal with his mean words. He swears at me and looks at me with hatred when he’s angry. We’ve tried counseling, but he refused to continue.

I wonder if the only solution (besides praying and getting godly counsel) is to leave. I’ve talked with our Pastor numerous times. He believes me, but he doesn’t think I should leave; however, nothing changes.

My husband is always sorry later after he is mean and promises to be different, but it doesn’t’ last. I’m scared that leaving him will cause my family to fall apart, but maybe it has kind of fallen apart anyway. I’ve tried to be nice, but I just can’t accommodate my husband the way he wants me to. He wants me to pay lots of attention to him, but even when I do that, he still is mean if I made some kind of mistake like not having dinner ready on time when he gets home from work.

It’s very hard to be affectionate with someone who’s been so harsh and then gets in a rage when I don’t want to be affectionate with him. People tried telling me before we got married that he was abusive, but I just didn’t see it then.

I know God will help me, but if I stay with my husband, I’ll continue to be bullied. There is no way to escape. He doesn’t’ care even when I ask him to stop or when I tell him he’s being mean. It feels so painful, so sad, and I feel ripped apart. I’m also tired of what I’m living with, and I think I’m getting ready for some changes.

Do you think I can leave even when my pastor advises me against it?

Answer: This question is actually the blend of two different people’s questions. One has to do with the reality of the abusive situation this woman finds herself in, and the second question is from a different reader who wonders why women allow their pastors to have the final word as to whether or not they should leave an abusive marriage.

I want to address both concerns because I think these dilemmas are so common for many women in abusive marriages.

First, should you leave your husband? From what you wrote, I think you are already leaning in that direction and for good reasons. However, it is important for you to realize (as well as those of us who are concerned about you and others in your situation) that no one can tell you with absolute certainty that you must leave this situation or, for that matter, that you should stay.

It’s tempting for those of us who are people-helpers (pastors, professional and lay counselors and marriage mentors) to step in here and advise you what to do. We want to help; we care. We’re afraid for you or want to remain true to the scriptures, so we all have our opinion on what’s best for you.

However, only you can make that decision. In fact, in order for you to grow up and get healthy, you must make that decision for yourself. You’ve been used to having your husband make all the decisions and your doing what he wants (or suffer his wrath). If you just “do” what the pastor or counselor wants you to do, you are still not taking responsibility for your decision or taking the necessary steps to decide what God is saying to you about your particular situation.

I believe each person should pray, consult with others, as well as consider the risks and the consequences of staying or leaving. In other words, what will it cost you and your children (emotionally, spiritually, relationally, mentally and physically) to stay and what will it cost you to leave? Leaving may be warranted, but it is not without perils and suffering. Staying has a high price too.

You are suffering. You see your children hurting and growing up under the mindset that men get to be mean and treat women disrespectfully and abusively if they are angry and don’t get their own way. Since you have sons, this is very worrisome indeed, and you’re concerned even now how your oldest son is treating you. Research on abusive men shows that many of them grew up in abusive households watching their father abuse their mother. As little boys, they didn’t like it, but as grown men they see it as normal.

It also sounds like you’ve tried talking and telling (your pastor) with no change or movement in your husband. You’re right to realize that leaving will create a crisis for your husband. He might wake up and realize that if he wants his family to stay, he will need to make some major changes. Or he might do something harmful to himself. You, your children and your husband are the ones who will live out the consequences of your choice whether you stay or whether you leave. Therefore, I don’t think it’s wise to give another person the power to make that choice for you.

Friends, how have you handled that dilemma of not knowing whether to stay or to leave?

How Have You Been Taught to Make Nice and Pretend?

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 29 Oct 2012 17:31:00 +0000

Morning friends,

We’re bracing for Hurricane Sandy. Schools, businesses, and most other places are closed. My son has come to help me as my husband is in sunny California helping my daughter who just had her third baby. Yesterday he said he felt a slight earthquake shake him out of bed.

I’m in the last legs of finishing up my book, so blogs are going to be a little shorter in the next few weeks. This week, I asked myself why does a woman allow herself to be abused, lied to and disrespected. How have we been taught as women to keep quiet, be passive, pretend and make nice? Here are my questions for you today:

How have you been taught…

not to see what you see?

not to know what you know?

not to say what you must?

not to do what you ought?

Is Marital Indifference Emotionally Abusive?

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 14:07:00 +0000

Hi Friends,

Thanks for all your prayers. I just finished a fabulous women’s weekend event at America’s Keswick (see above photo with Bill Welte) and now I am on the home stretch of writing to finish this new book on Destructive Marriages. Please continue to pray, I have much to do.

Here is a sneak peak of one of the chapters.

Is Marital Indifference Emotionally Abusive?

The opposite of love isn’t hate, it is indifference. Indifference says I don’t care enough about you to give you my time, my energy or other resources to show interest, care or love towards you. Indifference says how you feel or what you want doesn’t matter to me. Indifference says you are not a person to love, but an object to use. Indifference says I don’t need to change anything to make our relationship better for you if it’s okay for me. Indifference says that you exist for my benefit and when you don’t please me or benefit me anymore, you are replaceable or disposable.

One of the most horrific abuse stories in all of scripture is one of gross indifference. A Levite and his concubine wife were traveling home when they stopped in the town of Gibeah for the evening. Expecting the typical Jewish hospitality, they waited in the open square of the city hoping someone would invite them to spend the night in their home. As evening descended, an old man spotted the couple and graciously took them in. While the two men were getting acquainted, vile men of the city surrounded the home, beat on the door and demanded the old man bring his guest outside so they might ravish him.

The old man pleaded, “No my brothers, don’t do such an evil thing. For this man is a guest in my house, and such a thing would be shameful.” What he said next shocks us to our core. He said, “Here, take my virgin daughter and this man’s concubine, I will bring them out to you, and you can abuse them and do whatever you like. But don’t do such a shameful thing to this man.”

The men of the town refused to listen to the old man so the Levite grabbed his concubine wife and shoved her out the door. All night long the men of the town raped her, taking turns until dawn. Broken and bleeding, she stumbled back to the doorstep to where her husband slept and collapsed.

The scriptures say, “When her husband opened the door to leave, there lay his concubine with her hands on the threshold. He coldly said, “Get up! Let’s go! But there was no answer. So he tossed her lifeless body on his donkey and took her home.” Later on, he cut her up into twelve pieces and sent one piece to each of the twelve tribes of Israel, portraying himself (not his poor wife) as the victim of a horrible injustice (Judges 19:1-30).

This Levite husband chose to sacrifice his wife to ensure his own safety. When she lay broken and used up dying on the doorstep, he showed no compassion or care for what she had just been through. He was indifferent to her torture and the pain she endured. When he saw her sprawled on the doorstep, he simply ordered her to get up not realizing that she was already dead. The rape and torture by those vile men was traumatic, but I often wonder if her greater suffering was that her own husband indifferently tossed her out the door like a piece of trash, knowing full well she would be used and abused.

Marriage is the one relationship where we publically make promises to not be indifferent. We promise to love, to cherish, to protect and to honor the person we choose to marry. We all may be indifferent in minor areas at times, but when we regularly fail to keep our fundamental marital promises, the marriage is in deep trouble and to pretend otherwise is not healthy or biblical.

Karen loved her husband and wanted things to work between them, but he had little time for talk or fun together. He was busy running a business and making money and these things took priority. When she tried to talk about her feelings, he became harsh and then refused to talk with her at all, sometimes ignoring her for months. When Karen pursued or pressured him to discuss their problems, he accused her of being controlling and manipulative. The only connection he was willing to offer her was sexual and this left Karen feeling empty and used.

Finally for her own sanity, she decided she needed to have a heart-to-heart talk about changes needed in their relationship. She hoped that once Steve saw how hurt she was, he’d begin to show some care about her and her feelings. She also knew that the area he’d be most receptive to improving would be their physical relationship. Karen prayed and pondered, asking God to give her the right words to invite her husband into a different kind of relationship with her. She prepared what she wanted to say and practiced it over and over again until her tone was neither accusing nor sharp.

One evening, after wiring up all her courage, she said, “Steve, there is something that I need to share with you that’s really important. Do you have time tonight?”

“Okay, but I don’t have all night. There’s a football game starting in about 15 minutes” he answered.

Karen took a deep breath and began. “I know you get very frustrated when I’m not responsive to your sexual needs. I know you want me to be more sexual with you and enjoy our physical relationship, but the way you treat me much of the time makes me feel angry and hurt. When you ignore me for long periods of time or accuse me of being things that I’m not, I just can’t manufacture warm and affectionate feelings towards you. I’m too upset and hurt. Wouldn’t you enjoy our sexual relationship much more if you knew I wanted to be with you and enjoyed that part of our relationship rather than me just doing my wifely duty?”

“Of course I would,” Steve said, but then briskly added, “but if wifely duty is all I can get, I’ll settle for that.”

Steve’s response stung, but it woke Karen up to his indifference toward her as his wife, as a woman and as a person. Everything in their relationship revolved around him and his needs and, as long as her body was available when he wanted sex, it mattered little to him whether or not she was loving and receptive or hurt and angry.

Later, Karen told me, “God used this utterly selfish response from my husband to powerfully speak into my heart by letting me know that He desired my husband to care for me and my feelings. God never intended for me to be a sexual object nor to sacrifice my body to enable my husband’s selfishness to continue unchallenged.”

Indifference in marriage can be one of the most unrecognized yet damaging forms of emotional abuse. Let’s be wise and not enable someone’s selfishness to grow by encouraging the ignored partner to try harder.

Blog Topic: My husband says his verbal abuse is all my fault!

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 18:09:00 +0000

Morning friends,

I’m sending this from the airport in Tortola, British Virgin Island, where I've had an awesome weekend keynoting at the Love Does not Hurt Conference. Agape Total Life Center partnered with the Office of Gender Affairs to educate their community and church leaders on Domestic Violence Awareness. The above picture is with Lynette Smith, the coordinator for the event. We had a wonderful time and the people were open, gracious and extremely welcoming, and the beaches and view were fabulous!

Thank you all who participated in answering last week’s question. I appreciate hearing from you and would love for this to become a forum of support and encouragement for one another.

My third granddaughter was born this week while I was away. Natalia came on Friday, October 12, and weighed 7 lbs 9 oz. She is just as beautiful as my other two granddaughters.

My book is due in a few weeks, and I’m racing to finish it. Pray please that God gives me the clarity and wisdom to finish strong.

This week’s question is: I read your blogs and books. My question is I've been married for 21 years. I've read and re-read your book on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. My husband fits the example of the “should” husband you talk about. He is a believer and has recently admitted to me that he has been verbally abusive after I told him the definition. For a long time he denied it, but he feels that I haven’t been submissive, respectful and obedient to him and that in order for our relationship to ever move forward I have to admit this to him and to our children, ages 17,15 and 11. We have been to counseling jointly and separately.

I have seen how my desire to please him has led to lots of problems. It has excused his behavior and allowed it for far too long. He is saying he has admitted his problems and I need to admit and change myself and the children’s attitude and behaviors toward him in order for him to stay. He has already seen an attorney as have I. Please help…I’m so tired.

Answer: You seem exhausted trying to be heard and understood. It sounds like your husband is still saying that all your marital problems are your fault. Of course he now admits to being verbally abusive toward you but it’s because you haven’t been respectful, submissive or obedient. So if you change, in his mind, all will be well.

From your question, it sounds like you have tried to please him and that your desire to gain his approval has actually led to more abuse. He’s saying he’s admitted his problem but what exactly has he admitted to? Losing his temper when you won’t do what he says you “should” and then blaming you for his ugly words? That doesn’t sound like the kind of change you’ll need to turn this around. Does he not have any responsibility to learn to handle his disappointment and anger toward you in a godly way?

You might want to ask him, “Do you believe you’re entitled to verbally abuse me when I fail you, upset you, or disappoint you? How do you think other men respond when their wives upset them? Do all of them become verbally abusive or do some of them handle their anger or disappointment in a more constructive way?”

I also want you to consider whether or not it’s true that you have been disrespectful toward your husband and/or contributed to the children’s poor attitudes toward their father. Confession of wrong doing is important in relationships and is a very important first step toward healing and reconciliation. You’ll have to pray about that and examine your heart and past behaviors to see if there are specific ways or times you have been disrespectful, even if in the context of being provoked.

There are some husbands who believe that if their wife doesn't give them carte blanche authority or if she questions his judgment in a situation, she is being disrespectful, disobedient and/or unsubmissive. I don’t believe God’s words teaches that submission means that we don’t have a right to question or challenge our spouse or that we are called to live with our eyes closed and mouth shut especially when we observe our spouse driving the entire family straight off the cliff. (For more on this topic, read my recent blog on Misunderstandings on Headship and Submission.)

On the other hand, there are many things that we as wives comment on that our husband’s may find disrespectful even if we don’t see them that way. For example, my husband hates when I question why he chooses to drive to the shopping mall a different way that I would have gone. He sees that as “You don’t know how to drive as good as I do.” I don’t mean it that way; I just don’t understand why he wouldn't choose our normal route. But he’s different than I am, and he has every right to think and choose differently than I would.

People are not blank walls that do not have any of their own thoughts, feelings, and personality. Yet some men seem to want their wife’s entire life to revolve around loving him, serving him, and doing whatever will make him happy. If she balks, or wants to do something of her own, he finds that unloving or disrespectful. Trying harder to be that kind of woman will only result in more abuse and selfishness on the part of your husband. (See my blog, When Trying Harder Becomes Destructive.)

Going back to your question, you've both been to counselors and both been to attorneys. If you and your husband both want to make your marriage work, it begins by identifying what the root problem is. You can’t apply the right medicine to something if you don’t have the right diagnosis. I don’t think you've reached any consensus on this. Perhaps the best course at this time is to see a counselor (who understands the dynamics of verbal abuse), not for treatment per se, but to create a working definition of the problem so you can both decide whether or not you want to do the necessary repairs and changing to reconcile your relationship.

I'm Asking You Some Questions

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 14:02:00 +0000

Morning friends,

I’m deep in book writing mode right now and invite you to read a short excerpt from it answering the question Is Marital Indifference Emotionally Abusive? The excerpt will be posted by Thursday at www.christiancounseling.com.

I hope you check it out.

Also, my two day interview entitled Finding Freedom from Destructive Relationships with Focus on the Family is scheduled to air Wednesday, October 17 and Thursday, October 18, 2012. Join us as we cover this difficult topic.

For this week’s blog, I’m going to do something a little different. Recently I was wondering what kind of people stop by. So if you don’t mind, instead of answering one of your questions, I’d like to ask you a few questions. Please let me know a little bit about yourself and how I can serve you better in the upcoming months. Just click on “Post a Comment” below to submit your answers.

Are you a man or woman?

How old are you?

Are you married?

Are you in a destructive relationship?

Is your faith important to you?

What kind of topics, resources or help are you looking for as you read this blog?

My husband won't change and I am a mess!

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 01 Oct 2012 14:39:00 +0000

Morning friends,

Today I’m flying home from Branson, Missouri where I spoke at the American Association of Christian Counselors Conference. It was a great time, thanks for all your prayers. I was presenting my material on my new book, and the comments were very positive.

My sister Patt and her husband also came with us so we had lots of fun reconnecting with them.

This week’s Question: I need help. I read all your books and took the steps to separate from my husband (emotional & physical abuse) but my emotions are a mess. He is not doing anything to try to save the marriage or show that he has changed. He hasn't even set up marriage counseling. I don't have any money to go to a Christian counselor. My pastor has told me he can't help me any further. I am stuck.

Answer: You are in a very difficult spot, and I’m not surprised your emotions are a mess. Without knowing any more details than you’ve given, I imagine you separated not only for safety reasons, but also in the hopes that your husband would “wake up” to his abusive behavior and get the help he needs in order to reconcile and restore your marriage.

The hard truth however is that he has not taken any steps to address his problem. You feel hurt, angry, discouraged, and frightened. Now what?

Helpless, hopeless and scared are probably the predominant emotions that mess with your mind. It’s important that you realize that your emotions may be powerful but they don’t always reflect reality. Things are not hopeless and you are not helpless; it just feels that way right now.

You can’t fix his problem (his abusive behavior) but you must begin to address and work on your own problems if you are going to get a grip on your emotions as well as learn to live in a healthy way. Your problems may be your fear of living alone, the lack of financial resources, the loneliness you feel, or even the anger and hurt you’ve experienced by his abuse and indifference to your pain. You say you don’t have the money to go to a Christian counselor, but there is help out there for you if want it and you look for it. If you don’t’ work on your problems, you will be tempted to return to your abusive spouse without him making any of the changes needed to stop this abusive pattern. Is that what you want? Would that be in the best interests for you, your children, or even your spouse?

I’m not sure what your pastor meant when he said he can’t help you further. I don’t think your pastor can or should be the primary person to counsel you or your spouse with this problem, but that does not mean that he cannot be instrumental in getting the church to be a supportive resource for you. Sadly, often times when an abused spouse separates, the church withdraws support for both individuals in a troubled marriage.

However, since your pastor has offered support to you in the past, ask him if he can recommend a wise woman in the congregation to be a supportive mentor to you during this time. In addition, you can get involved in a woman’s bible study in order to get around wise and hopefully healthier women as well as grow in your faith. If your church does not offer one, look for other locations that do. You must now take some proactive steps to help yourself if you are going to learn that you are not helpless.

Second, most communities have resources for abused women. I do not know your location but you can usually find these resources in the blue pages of your local telephone directory or google them on the internet. They provide free counseling and support, sometimes even pro bono legal aid, to help you through this process of getting financial support, a PFA (Protection from Abuse) if needed, and other things that will help you get on your feet right now. They won’t be able to fill in all of the gaps, and with recent funding cuts, many organizations can only provide the bare minimum of services, but you must seek out and get the help you so desperately need.

There are other churches that offer free or low cost Christian counseling and, if that isn’t an option, there is online counseling (go to www.aacc.net to find a Christian counselor who is experienced in these issues willing to work with you on-line). There are also low cost mental health services in most communities as well as universities and colleges that may have interns. They may not be experts in abusive relationship issues, but they may be able to help you deal with some of your fears and runaway emotions.

There are books you can read (I recommend my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship among others listed in the back of my book as additional resources). Many of these books are available at a community library or you can simply hang out in Barnes and Noble and read them there if you cannot afford to purchase them.

Below are some additional resources that you can explore so that you can begin to dig yourself out of the situation you are in and experience healing.

For additional education and resources on domestic violence, as well as e-learning, go to:

www.theraveproject.org

www.peaceandsafety.com

www.faithtrustinstitute.org

For help developing a safety plan, go to www.theraveproject.org

The hotline for domestic violence is 800 799 7233

To find professional Christian counselors experienced in domestic violence, call Focus on the Family Counselors at 800 232 6459 or go to www.theraveproject.org

Recently I read about a gentile woman in scripture who asked Jesus to heal her daughter from demon possession. Jesus didn't answer her at first and the disciples eventually asked him to shoo her away because she was bothering them with all her begging. When Jesus finally did answer her, he told her he was only there to help the lost sheep of Israel. But that response did not deter this woman. She was desperate AND persistent. She knew she needed help for her daughter and she was not giving up until she got it (Matthew 15:23-28). Jesus commended her faith and tenacity.

In another story, Jesus tells of the persistent widow who keeps pestering the judge until he gives her the justice she needs (Luke 18:1-8). For me, these passages encourage people not to be deterred with a “no” at first. We as women tend to be more passive, less assertive and are willing to receive a no and feel that is the final answer. But often a no turns into a yes when we continue to plead our case.

Please seek the help you need. The answer isn't to just learn to live with an abusive spouse. The answer is to get God-centered, strong and healthy enough to stand firm so that you can invite your husband to do the work he needs to do in order to truly reconcile your marriage.

Misunderstandings About Biblical Headship and Submission

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 24 Sep 2012 14:27:00 +0000

Morning Friends,

I couldn’t wait to share with you the contraption my hubby set up for me on my treadmill. Do you see it? Now I can stand and walk while I write. Most of my work is done sitting, so with all the writing I’ve been doing, I’m definitely acquiring what I call a book butt. I saw an article about sitting becoming the new smoking--in other words, it’s hazardous to our health, so I decided to construct a little desk on my treadmill so that I could write or read while walking slowly. On Saturday, I clocked 1-1/2miles. I’m so excited! Trust me, I don’t walk fast--maybe 1.5 mph--but at least I’m not sitting constantly so my body sure appreciates it.

On Friday, I received a call from someone who wanted me to clear up some questions and confusion she had about headship and submission. I wasn’t able to take her call, but told her that I would blog about it this week. So, here is a sneak preview of some of my new book, which will be out September 2013, on emotionally destructive marriages.

Misunderstandings About Biblical Headship and Submission

As a young wife, I attended a retreat that was geared around becoming a godly woman. Most of the wives in the room groaned when they heard the “S” word featured as our next topic. No wife looks forward to hearing that God says she must give her husband the final say in all decisions, regardless of how capable or stable he is, just because he’s the man.

Throughout the session, the speaker emphasized how God created the husband as the head of the home to be the leader. She said that even if our husband made poor decisions, God would protect us and our children if we simply trusted Him and obeyed our husband. Then she proceeded to tell a story where a woman’s husband wanted her to have an abortion. The wife didn’t want to, but she submitted. Just before she was to go to the clinic for the procedure, she had a spontaneous miscarriage. “See”, the speaker said, “God was faithful.”

I wanted to stand up and scream, “That’s crazy. Don’t’ listen to her!” but I was too much a coward at the time to risk such censure from the group. I’m braver today, and I’m telling you don’t fall for that kind of simplistic and naive teaching on this very important subject. If you want to get clear-headed and be a godly woman, in addition to listening to wise counsel, you must study the scriptures yourself and ask God to help you understand what the Bible says. Jesus tells us that as believers, He gives each one of us the Holy Spirit which He promises leads us into all truth (John 16:13).

The Bible never says that submission is only a wife’s or woman’s responsibility, nor does it say that the husband or man gets the final say in all decisions. These ideas have been misrepresented and misunderstood. Wrongly applied, they can cause harm to men, women and children, as well as thwart God’s plan for loving family relationships.

During a counseling session, Natalie asked, “I’ve always been taught that submission to my husband trumps everything, even my children. But when he’s raging out of control, screaming and threatening them and their scared little faces look to me to for help, what am I supposed to do? Does God want me to support my husband or ignore what’s happening because he’s the head of our home?”

The New Testament never describes godly headship or leadership by using an authoritarian, power/over model. Jesus demonstrated headship for his disciples so that they would be crystal clear what he meant. Instead of wielding his mighty power and rightful authority to show them what leadership looked like, he donned a towel and basin and personally washed each of their dirty feet. They were the future leaders of his Church, and Jesus wanted to show them that biblical headship meant sacrificial servant-hood. Jesus, or the scriptures, never describe biblical headship or leadership as entitlement to do what you want, demand that others do you want you want or to get your own way. The correct biblical terms for those characteristics are selfishness and misuse of one’s power and authority. There are numerous examples of these behaviors throughout scripture. However, they are never depicted as God’s example of leadership, but rather as sin. (Read through the seven chapters of the Old Testament book of Micah for numerous examples of leaders abusing their power and God’s response.)

After Jesus finished washing his disciples feet, he said to each of them, “If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you” (John 13:14,15). This concept of selfless servant-hood was so radically different from his disciple’s idea of leadership, that they didn’t truly grasp what Jesus meant. Later on, James and John were arguing about who would have the better seat in heaven and Jesus stopped them and taught them the essence of biblical headship. He said, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all.” Jesus expressly warned his leaders not to abuse their power just to get their way or boss people around (Mark 10:41-46; Luke 22:25,26; Matthew 23:3,4 italics added).

What Jesus taught was unheard of in Jewish culture. Hierarchy was well established even in the most intimate relationships. Men dominated women; husbands their wives. Paul picked up Jesus’ heart on the subject of headship in marriage when he writes, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). The essence of Biblical teaching on headship is that if you are the leader, your responsibility is to initiate and model servant-hood before anyone else in the family does. As the leader, you are to show the way. You are to go first. When a leader (whether of a home, a church or a nation) manipulates, threatens and scares people into doing what he says or to get what he wants, know that he is not behaving as a biblical head, but rather as a bully. As Paul writes, “Love does not demand its own way” (1 Corinthians 13:5).

Jesus didn’t only model headship for us, he also modeled submission. In the Garden of Gethsemane while anticipating the crucifixion, Jesus’ prayed that this cup of suffering would be removed from him. He dreaded the cross; he wanted God to find an alternate way to save humankind. Yet, Jesus submitted himself when he prayed, “Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done” (Luke 22:42). Throughout his life, Jesus always wanted to do what God wanted. He said his will was synonymous with God’s will. (See John 4:34; John 6:37; John 5:3; John 17:17.) Now in his agonizing moment during his garden prayer, Jesus felt differently. This was the first time he didn’t want to do what God wanted, but he chose submission to God’s will and his Father’s perfect plan. God didn’t force Jesus to submit, Jesus chose to. Jesus said, “No one takes my life, I give it (John 10:18).

In the same way, biblical submission can never be forced. It can only be done by the one who chooses to submit her (or his) will to another. When we voluntarily give our will to another or to God, it’s called submission. When someone forces our will to be given, it is not biblical submission. The correct terms are intimidation, coercion and bullying. Submission isn’t necessarily agreement; it’s yielding your will to another for a greater good. The good might be unity in the family (or body of Christ) or honoring and pleasing God.

The apostle Paul writes in Philippians that we must be intentional if we don’t want selfishness to rule in our relationships (Philippians 2:2-4). He then uses Christ’s example for us to see how that works. Paul writes, “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:5-8).

Jesus modeled both headship and submission in volunteering for the servant’s place and yielding his will to God. This describes the working together of headship and submission. The husband sacrificially leads his wife in servant-hood (through example), and the wife sacrificially yields her will in servant-hood (through example). Both are servants of the other and of God. When only one is the servant or the other is the master or god, the marriage isn’t working as God intended.

Since the fall of Adam and Eve, human beings have been vying for power and control over one another (Genesis 3:16). This was not God’s original plan, but the result of sin. Biblical headship doesn’t mean you get your way all the time, and submission doesn’t mean you have no voice or choice in the matter. The scriptures validate the mutuality of marriage and the dignity and value of each individual no matter who they are. As Paul plainly wrote, “now there is no difference between Jew and Gentile, slave and free, man or woman” (Galatians 3:28).

We may have different roles and responsibilities, but one is not over the other. Mutuality of servant-hood, submission and sacrifice are the biblical model for the trinity and for godly relationships, including marriage.

Why Won't My Boyfriend Change?

noreply@blogger.com (-) — Mon, 17 Sep 2012 14:05:00 +0000

Hi Friends,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers for my writing. It’s still going very slowly, but I finished another chapter. I still have six more to go, so I will need to pick up speed to finish on time. Thanks for your notes and words of encouragement. God has used them to bless me.

This week the survey to pick your favorite title of those submitted for my new book will be coming to your mailbox. All you have to do is vote for your top three choices and send it back to me.

Also, if you participated in my 3-part webinar earlier this year, Does God Want Me to Be Happy, we finally have all of it finished and available for purchase. Watch your mailbox for details.

This Week’s Question: I have been in a dating relationship for almost 3 years. My boyfriend and I are in our 30’s and our relationship is always on and off due to my boyfriend’s talking, texting, and e-mailing other women. He has 2 social networking accounts and, when I get the chance to see what he has been up to, it’s usually not good.

He is handsome, funny, charming and loving, and I guess you can say he has a roving eye. He is a very good when he is with me…and we are almost always together. We have fun and do family activities and enjoy each other’s company. We don’t live together and we don’t have any children together. He has one daughter, and I have 4 teens from my husband who passed away 5 years ago.

My problem is I cannot handle him talking with other women. It makes me so insecure, and I am constantly watching to see what he is doing. His behavior hurts me, and I have anxiety attacks after seeing him talk to these women. Some are high school girlfriends, ex’s and crushes. He doesn’t tell me he talks to them. He does it when I’m not around or he goes online whenever we have an argument and then tells these women that I’m jealous and insecure. He shouldn’t be telling anyone my business right?

I love him very much, but I feel I have no self-esteem. I am constantly comparing myself to these other women. We have been broken up for about a month, and I wonder if I should give him another chance? I have told him what bothers me and that if he just would stop doing it our life would be good. However, he doesn’t seem to take my feelings into consideration.

As I am reading what I am writing, I believe I know the answer to this question. I am strong in faith and believe in God and prayer. I pray for him to change, but when I see him doing it again, it discourages me and I stop praying. I am so confused. I don’t know what to do anymore. Part of me wants him back, but the other part says I deserve respect and I deserve a lot better. Please, any feedback you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

Answer: Writing things down or speaking them out loud is a great clarifier. As you already noticed when you were writing out your concerns and question, deep down you already know the answer to your dilemma. You say that you love this man, but you realize that he is not a good candidate for a long-term relationship. After almost 3 years of dating, it doesn’t sound like he wants to commit himself fully to you. He wants to be free to flirt with other women and text, e-mail and talk with them as he desires. The problem I see is that he isn’t being honest with you about his level of commitment to you or that you’re not hearing him.

So, what I want you to do is stop and ask yourself two questions. First, has he told you again and again that he’s not ready to have a serious long-term committed relationship with you? Perhaps he tells you that he wants to “go out” and “have fun” but not exclusively. Have you ignored what he’s told you, hoping and praying that somehow he would change his mind and stop looking at other women and flirting? Then, when you discover that he’s been doing those things, you compare yourself with these other women and feel more and more anxious, insecure and jealous.

If this is what’s going on, I think you know that it’s not a matter of giving him another chance. Instead you will need to hear what he is able to give you and then decide whether or not you want to accept that level of relationship. It sounds to me like you are ready for a more committed relationship, but he may not be. If that’s true, it’s best that you let go. He’s made it clear to you that he’s not ready to commit, and his behavior continues to hurt you deeply.

You say you have a strong faith, but I wonder if this man has become too central to your well-being as a person. From what you describe, you have allowed your self-esteem and emotional well-being to be totally dependent on him. That is a very slippery and dangerous slope for any person. Your need for security and love will never be fully met by another human being but only by God. When we ask another human being to give us what only God can give us, we’ve put him or her in the god position in our lives, making him/her an idol.

I’d encourage you to take the time now to strengthen your own relationship with God so that you become a God-centered woman instead of a man-centered woman. This will help you even if you answer no to the first question and yes to this next one.

The second question I want you to ask yourself is does he say one thing to your face like “I want to be in a committed relationship with you,” but then he behaves very differently when you’re not together or you’re not watching him?

If that’s the case, then you still may have put him in the god position in your life, but you also have a different problem.

It’s crucial that you not confuse charm and charisma with good character. You say that he is a lot of fun to be with and treats you well in some ways, but you’re also telling me that he hasn’t been truthful with you, he’s hiding what he’s doing, and he’s been inconsiderate of your feelings. He wants you in his life, but he minimizes the pain he causes you. In addition, when you confront him on his actions, he flips things around so that the problem becomes your jealousy and insecurity instead of his deceit and flirtatious behaviors.

It’s important that you ask yourself why you would continue to pursue a relationship with someone who cannot be faithful to you, isn’t honest, and doesn’t care about how he hurts your feelings. Is it that you’re afraid to be alone? Or is it that you’re not sure you will be treated any better by someone else?

Do you really want to be a detective or policeman over his phone and internet use? If you do choose to do that, how will that make you fee--more secure or loved? When we start trying to control another person’s actions, it usually results in the other person becoming sneakier and more clever at hiding things, not more loving and honest.

Your problem, as I see it, is that you don’t like your boyfriend’s deceit and flirtatious behavior. You don’t like feeling insecure around him and you don’t like that he doesn’t seem to value you enough to change his behaviors. You are discouraged that your prayers haven’t changed him yet, but have you considered that perhaps God might be trying to change you instead so that you respect yourself enough to not allow yourself to continue to be treated in this way and that you not marry this kind of person?

I’d love to hear how you worked this through and what the results were. Please share your journey with the rest of us. God Bless.