So, I come to you today from a place of humility to submit my personal assessment of the 5 biggest mistakes parents make in rearing their children. Here goes:

1. Put your kids first.
2. Give your kids everything.
3. Wait to discipline them.
4. Do everything for them.
5. Rescue them from anything bad.

But wait! There’s good news. You can avoid or correct these mistakes. Here’s how.

Mistake #1: Put your kids first in the family dynamic. Let them decide when you eat and what time you go to bed. Let them decide what restaurant you go to and where to go on a family vacation. Never make them wait. Instead, make your spouse wait and put your marriage on hold indefinitely to tend to the needs of your children.

How to fix this: If you allow your children to take over your household and your life from the day they’re born, you’ll live to regret it. Doing so turns them into self-centered, entitled brats. Children should secondary to the marital relationship. After all, your husband/wife will be around long after the kids leave home. (But only if you nurture the marriage!) I know you want to be a loving mom and a great dad—and you still can. Just work at your marriage along the way and put your spouse’s needs before the kids’ needs. For example, set aside time daily to visit with just your husband or wife—no kids in the mix. Schedule regular date nights (I recommend weekly.) to spend time doing something you and your mate enjoy together. Swap off who chooses what you do.

Mistake #2: Give your kids everything they want. Don’t let the newest gadget come out without making sure your child is the first to get it. Don’t ever “make” them work or have to pay for things (video games, movie theatre tickets, new toys, lattes, etc.) themselves. Just dole out $20 bills like they were M & M’s.

How to fix this: Children don’t learn the value of working and the satisfaction of earning. They’ll grow up being dependent on you, and in all likelihood they won’t grow out of it. Kids need to learn the correlation between work and payment (reward) early on. This doesn’t necessarily have to mean a job—although that’s a good option. We know a family whose child will likely get a full academic scholarship to a top university, saving the family approximately $120,000-160,000. That’s a good payoff for taking challenging classes (AP courses), doing SAT test prep, from time to time choosing to study over going out with friends, and sacrificing things to make good grades.

Mistake #3: Wait until they’re older discipline them—or just don’t discipline them at all. After all, they’re just too cute to put in time out. And, God forbid, you should spank or ground them. They’re just being kids, right? Your child didn’t mean to bonk Billy in the head with the Tonka truck or smash Susie’s locket. If they disobey, refuse to discipline them. In short, let your kids rule the roost.

How to fix this: Having to discipline hurts your heart. You feel like you’re scarring them. You fear you’ll hurt your kids’ feelings, drive them away, make them not love you. Nothing could be further from the truth. Want your kids to love, respect and want to be around you? Discipline them from the time they’re born. Don’t respond in a nano-second to every little cry. Don’t allow them to hit, bite, kick or disrespect you and others. Choose effective (for you) discipline methods and apply them consistently.

Mistake #4: Do everything for your children. Don’t require anything of them. Never ask your child to clean up around the house or help you shop, cook, mow, vacuum or do laundry. These are the best years of their lives. They’ll have to work all the time when they move out on their own. Plus, school is hard. Kids have too much homework, and teachers just don’t understand.

How to fix this: If your kids don’t do chores (It’s best to start around ages 2-5), they’ll resent you when you try to make them contribute to the household later. However, if you require them to do chores as a part of your family, they’ll grow up with that expectation. They’ll learn to work to the best of their ability and to experience the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. NOTE: This includes school projects. If you craft your child’s salt map or prepare his display board for the science project, you’re taking away so much from your child—creativity, opportunity and responsibility to name a few.

Mistake #5: Rescue your kids from every negative thing that happens in their life. Don’t require them to face up their mistakes or experience setbacks. Get them off the hook. Bail them out–figuratively or literally. Never, ever, ever, EVER require them to experience adverse situations or negative consequences.

How to fix this: If you continually rescue your children, they won’t be equipped for disappointment, rejection, sorrow or reality when they get older. All kids must experience age-appropriate disappointment to develop into mature, responsible, well-adjusted adults. When they mess up, they need to own their mistakes, correct them if possible and make restitution. If they don’t, they’ll go through life thinking they’re the center of the universe. In order to adequately mature, young people need to learn to take responsibility for their actions and behavior. They also need to know what it feels like to be rejected, to not make the team or the part in the play, to be dumped in a romantic relationship, etc. All of these disappointments prepare them for larger disappointments (job loss, death of a loved one, financial difficulties, health crisis) when they get older.

Related mistake: Make all their decisions for them. Much like the one before, age-appropriate disappointment sometimes result from making bad decisions. Whether it’s watching a too-scary movie at a friend’s house that later gives them nightmares for three weeks or losing driving privileges because they were caught texting behind the wheel, each of these circumstances help young people develop into responsible adults and citizens who contribute to society. 

I hope this look at parenting mistakes will encourage you to parent more diligently and consistently. For me, just reading through this list both challenges and inspires. Please let me know if you have any mistakes you would add to this list. I always want to learn! 

The truth is, regular actions in our lives mean peace reigns. Brushing my teeth, making my bed, grocery shopping, getting my oil changed, folding laundry–none of these things signal excitement or cause me to break into song like a Broadway musical. But they also mean life is normal, routine, nothing out of the ordinary. It’s when challenges come that things really go off track. Consider these:

• Several friends currently battle health crises–either in their lives or a family member’s. Think of the disruption that causes. Doctor visits, medical procedures, thoughts consumed with medical jargon, conversations with loved ones. The list of abnormal occurrences goes on and on in these situations.
• I know folks who are in the process of moving. They’ve added selling and buying a house, packing, researching places to live and job searching to an already overcrowded schedule.
• What about those people who act as primary caregivers for a loved one? Barely any time to themselves, they’ve certainly been forced to streamline their routines.
• A good friend navigates her way down the path of divorce–not something of her choosing. Still, a victim has to go through the motions of dissolving a marriage and splitting up a family, whether she wants to or not.

Maybe my “boring” routine isn’t so bad. Maybe I need to be more thankful for the “dullness” in my life at present. Sure, we have lots going on. My daughter graduates in two months. My older son marries in three. (And while those joyful occasions add a little stress in the form of additional activities, they’re nothing like the challenging trials my friends face.) Work offers daily challenges in time constraints and juggling it all. I have obligations galore at my kids’ school, at our church. But they all signal great things, nothing that upsets life’s routineness.

I’ll be thankful for that. If only for today.

Some of my weariness results from good–even great–stuff. My older son will marry his beautiful, wonderful, the-young-woman-I’ve-prayed-for fiance in just over three months. My daughter has been accepted and received enough financial aid for her to be able to attend Dallas Baptist University this fall. My younger son continues to amaze me with his commitment to excellence in everything he does. Currently, that’s running hurdles (both the 110 and 300) on his school’s varsity track team. That means watching meets in the wind and chill. I typically peek out occasionally from underneath my quilt-tent.

However, some of my weariness occurs as a result of not-so-good stuff. 

• My schedule is overcrowded. (I’ll admit I’m prone to this tendency.) With the aforementioned blessings with my kids come responsibilities (wedding prep, college prep, hours spent at track meets for 90-second races).
• My house is a wreck. (We had a garage sale last weekend, and I haven’t recovered. Enough said.) When my “nest” is ruffled, I freak out a little.
• I’m overloaded with work. (While this is certainly a blessing given today’s economic environment, I still feel overwhelmed by daily tasks.)

Sometimes it feels as though these two–the good stress and bad stress–battle one another for my time, energy, enthusiasm. I see them on a scale with the more challenging ones easily overtaking the enjoyable ones, to the point where I desperately need a break. 

Photo courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

But when the frenetic pace of life closes in, God reaches out to me in the stillness through his word.

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.] Matthew 11:28, Amplified Bible

If greater comfort can be found in this life, I don’t know what! These words–the powerful words of the Lord–wash over me like a soothing balm, reaching in the hidden crevices where stubbornness and pride and frenzy lurk. They protect, they calm, they reassure. They remind me what’s important in this life–and that’s not what I’m chasing frantically.

So, I invite you to join me–if only for today–and allow these powerful word to wash over you. Stop laboring so hard. Allow God to shoulder your burdens. Come into fellowship with him so he can help you rest. Then, and only then, will you feel refreshed. 

Be blessed!

Life Sentence Critique Group: Anne Mateer, Mary DeMuth, Leslie Wilson

I’m blessed to be a part of an amazing fellowship of local authors. Rockwall Christian Writers Group has met monthly since October of 2001 at LakePointe Church in Rockwall, TX. You might recognize the names of some of our members: Mary DeMuth and Anne Mateer (formerly known as D’Ann). We three musketeers head up the group and have also branched off to edit each other’s work on a regular basis.

You’d think that much critique might get me down. I tend to require more constructive criticism than the average bear. But it doesn’t because we make an effort to praise what’s good before we nitpick someone’s work in progress. I thought some of you might want to check out our critique guidelines. Feel free to use these for your own writer’s group.

Critique Procedure                 

1. Manuscripts should be five pages or less, double-spaced, 12-point font, one-inch margins, header or footer with author name and page numbers.  Bring enough for each person to have his/her own copy.
2. A member of the group will read the work aloud while others evaluate as they follow along.
3. Members write editorial comments on the manuscript.  They ask questions, point out difficulties, and may suggest a different outline or approach.  They may write a summary comment at the end and sign their name.
4. Comments do not necessarily tell the author what to write, but suggest improvements to make the manuscript marketable.  Members share a few of these comments with the group as time allows.
5. Members should strive to give honest opinions, tempered with kindness.  Be sure to make positive comments on the things that you like!
6. The reader of the manuscript will act as the evaluator for a general overview and discussion, including a page-by-page evaluation of the syntax, word choice, and clarity.  Punctuation and spelling are marked on the manuscript but are not covered in the discussion except when a rule is in question.
7. During the group discussion, the author should listen and glean the valuable critique information.  He or she may ask questions, but please refrain from (long) explanations of the work.
8. No author has to accept or implement anyone’s comments.  Take the ones that help; forget the rest.
9. Authors are encouraged to revise and resubmit the same material (if desired) until the group believes it is ready for publication.

If you live east of Dallas, feel free to join us any time. We meet on the FOURTH Monday of the month in Room W-218 of LakePointe Church from 7-9:30 p.m. We’d love to see you there. Let me know if you need any other details or if you’d like to receive our email updates.

One evening, I shopped at a grocery store near my home, placing selected items in my cart while methodically working my way down the list.

As I wrapped a twist-tie around a clear plastic bag full of bananas, I eavesdropped on a conversation nearby. The mom behind me was teaching her son how to pick out fruit.

Photo courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Now, Clay, when choosing apples, you want to make sure there aren’t any holes in them. A hole means a worm lives in that apple—or used to live in it. I always make sure the apple isn’t bruised—looking carefully all around it. To tell if it’s ripe, you gently press your finger into the peeling. If you hear a little “pop,” you know it’s ripe. If your finger just sinks in, the apple is probably mealy and won’t taste very good.”

To my recollection, no one had ever instructed me so thoroughly on how to pick out the perfect apple. (In all fairness to my mom who reads this column, maybe she did—and I just wasn’t listening.) But at 25, I finally knew. I frantically searched my purse for a receipt to write down her suggestions! No luck. I kept repeating “no holes, no bruises, and a ‘pop,’” until I memorized her apple-choosing method.

Having a sudden craving for a Granny Smith apple, I turned to select several of my own—that is, if the mom and her shopping apprentice had left any good ones.

I was shocked when I saw the shoppers. I had expected the child to be about five or six (or ten!) years of age. He wiggled in his infant seat—grinning his gummy smile at the World’s Best Mommy.

 I didn’t know this mom, and I’ve always regretted that I didn’t approach her and praise her for raising her son’s level of intellect; expecting great things from him; not dumbing down his education in even the little things; speaking to him as she would an adult—helping develop his vocabulary from infancy; and treating him like the precious gift he was.

 That wise mom gave us both a gift that day.

Clay received an education, validation and encouragement. Mine was a reminder that babies will not only rise to our level of expectation, but also soar far above it. After all, they’re people, too.

 I heard a sad statistic recently: 85% of a preschool mom’s communication with her child is directives. You know, things like:

• Put down that remote!
• Wash your hands for dinner.
• Go find your cleats and get in the car. We’re late for your soccer game.
• Finish your broccoli or you won’t get any ice cream.

It’s only when we move from talking at our children to talking to them that they feel like people. I want so much to progress quickly from All-Powerful Giver of Rules and Directives to Listener Extraordinaire.

I know it’s not entirely possible for me to be friends with my children while they’re young.

I need to clearly delineate Bret’s and my expectations and consequences for wrong choices; communicating such values while our children are young is critical.

But I also hope that in so doing I might always treat my children the way I would want to be treated—with respect and love.

Then, perhaps, when the day comes for me to be their friend, they’ll still want me.

We could even go shopping for apples.

Mama Wilson’s DG: Emily, Casey, Mama, Brittany, Kailey. Savanna wasn’t there that day.

We’re currently studying our way through Everything: What You Give and What You Gain to Become Like Jesus by Mary DeMuth. This book has been such a tremendous blessing in my life that I wanted my girls to get to learn from Mary’s solid teachings–and painful challenges about our complacency in our cozy Christian walk.

Today, we will discuss Chapter 6–Practice Resilience. In it, Mary shares her disdain for the misuse of the oft-quoted Jeremiah 29:11. “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Mary reminds students of Scripture that “Hananiah didn’t remember that God often acts counterintuitively to our desired outcome. He disciplines the ones He loves” (Everything, page 57).

All too often, we Christ-followers want to live a life of joy, peace, happiness and protection from all adversity. Want the truth? Mary says, “God puts us through more than we can bear. Because after we journey through those places, we learn resilience. And that resilience brings the ability to joyfully live in the moment despite our circumstances–a holy paradox” (Everything, page 57, emphasis mine).

People go through terrible, awful, painful-gut-wrenching trials this side of heaven:

• Death of a child
• Death of a spouse
• Financial ruin
• Job loss
• Miscarriage & infertility
• Illness
• Marital crisis
• Sexual abuse
• Homelessness

In truth, this list goes on and on–as we get to “lesser” trials, such as a nasty boss, car problems and loss of friendship. Doesn’t matter how bad or awful the list gets. Each of these painful challenges grow us. Each provides us with an opportunity to showcase the one, true, living God and proclaim his power, strength, love and care. Each reminds us that we can’t travel this journey alone–no matter how strong we think we might be.

And in my estimation, that’s the true point of all of this. If we were strong, if we could pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, if we could soothe our own pain and deal with all our problems ourselves, we wouldn’t need a Savior.

So where have you desperately needed God this past week, last month, last year? Where has he shown himself completely capable, unwaiveringly faithful, utterly strong?

Now, I’m not complaining about the lack of winter. (Though, I must admit, I do wonder what this will mean for the bug population around here come summer.) I prefer warmer temps. I love being outside. I prefer to walk than go to the gym. I like reading on our porch, which I should be able to do again very soon. But I am anticipating springtime and all it brings. Here’s a list of favorite things about spring to get you tuned to the warmer frequency. I enjoy:

• Being able to go barefoot.
• The smell of flowers blooming, especially lantana. We have lots of lantana in Texas.
• Power walks in the early morning.
• Redbuds in bloom.
• A later sunset. 
• Refreshing rains.
• Easter–and the opportunity to focus on the sacrifice Jesus made on our behalf. (Thank you, Jesus!)
• Eating outside–either at home on our porch or at any one of several restaurants in town that offer outdoor seating. (Added bonus: I tend to eat less when I eat outdoors. Go figure.)
• Fresh fruits and veggies. I know I can always supplement with frozen, but I love, love, love seasonal produce.
• More sunshine. I’m a sunshine kind of gal. (Seriously, I must have some kind of hormonal deficiency.) So I crave the warm and whatever else being in the sun provides. (And yes, Mom–and mom-types–I wear sunscreen every day.)
• Watching the first tiny blooms emerge on our perennials.
• Seeing the yard/acreage freshly cut–great smell, too–and being thankful that my husband loves that “chore.”
• Opening all the doors and windows to let in fresh air.
• Wandering through local nurseries to see the gorgeous new plants and blooms.
• Riding my bike.
• Putting fresh flowers in a little vase at the dinner table.
• Trading out winter clothes for warmer weather gear–short sleeves, sandals, capris. So fun!
• Giving myself a pedicure (or splurging and getting a professional one). I just don’t see the need when my toes are tucked inside of boots all winter.
• Going to garage sales. I miss sale-ing over a long winter. Must. Find. Bargains.
• Watching our kittens chase birds. Yes, for some reason they think they can jump 25 feet in the air. Ah, to have that kind of unjaded ambition again!
• Cleaning and organizing things on our porch. We spend a lot of time out there in three seasons of the year. I like being able to “ready” it for our family and for company.

Texas wildflowers, especially bluebonnets. We have a small patch behind our pond that blooms each year. It’s magical. I also love seeing mommies trying to get their toddlers to sit still for a photo op on the side of the highway. (Yeah, good luck with that!)

So, please share. What are you looking forward to this spring? What makes it feel like spring to you?

Embellished Frames

My journey started with a few little picture frames. I took plain dollar store frames and embellished them with bits of broken jewelry, lace, scrapbook elements and other antique-y (yes, it’s a word) items I unearthed at garage sales. 

I quickly moved on to bigger and bulkier crafting. (Just ask my husband how much room all this takes in our garage!)

The latest find? A solid wood nightstand at Canton Trade Days, a HUGE flea market, garage sale, craft show kind of thing held one weekend a month. Even as I opened one drawer to see if it still had runners, the vendor had rushed to my side eager to unload his final piece of furniture.  The tag read $8.00, but the man begged me to take it off his hands for only $5.00—primarily so he wouldn’t have to haul it back home. I was only more than glad to oblige.

Here’s the before pic of this particular piece. 

Nightstand BEFORE

I teamed it up with two other pieces I already had in my garage to make a matched set—adorable for any bedroom.

I sanded, then primed, then painted turquoise, then painted black and wiped much of it off, then sealed with polyurethane, then added the much cuter drawer pulls. (See how it kinda winks at you?) Voila! Shabby chic at its best!

Nightstand AFTER

But even as I worked on these pieces, I thought about how much work God has to do on me.

• He sands: He gently removes parts of me that don’t fit with his plan for my life. But sometimes that grit—bad habits, negative thoughts, sour attitudes—doesn’t want to be removed, and it refuses to go gently. Still, he perseveres, slowly sanding away all the yuck to make me look more like Jesus.
• He paints. God has gifted each of us uniquely to accomplish his perfect will for our lives. What? Did you think he would call you without equipping you? Of course not. He endowed you with special abilities, a unique personality and specific talents, and he wants to use each of those to further his kingdom.
• He finishes. Our loving Father knows us intimately. He sees our frailty. He understands our weaknesses. He empathizes with any confusion and sorrow we encounter in this life. He longs to have us join him in adopting an eternal perspective that allows us to focus less on the here and now and more on what’s to come. And so he gently admonishes when necessary. He rejoices with our triumphs. He aches for us in our times of trial. He disciplines. He redirects. He challenges.

Just like my furniture here. He doesn’t leave us in our original state—ugly, unwanted, leftover. Instead, he sees the beauty inside. He knows he can restore us, give us new life, make us more like Christ. I love the image of this transformation from 2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”

Are you allowing him to do that? If not, why not? Maybe it’s time for God to begin his DIY makeover in your life. 

Yes, I realize I’m taking a big risk in admitting this. After all, greeting card companies—and florists and restaurants and jewelers and chocolate factories (Sorry Willie Wonka) may boycott my blog after this!

But I would prefer something to all these grand, tangible gestures of love and commitment and affection. I prefer that my husband love me all year long. 

My husband, Bret, and me–not on Valentine’s Day

Bret and I first discussed this concept when my son, Charlie, was born. Nearly 22 years ago, I hurt his feelings when he brought me roses to celebrate. Seeing the dejected look on his face, I asked him what was wrong.

“Well, I did this nice thing, but you don’t seem to care that much about it.”

Clearly, Lucy, I had some ‘splaining to do. “It’s not that I don’t like it. Roses just costs so much money. And I’d rather spend our money on going out somewhere together than on flowers that will be dead in three days.”

After a lot of talking, we reached a place of mutual understanding. We both feel like this: While romantic gestures are fine, they shouldn’t replace daily love, respect, commitment, communication, affection, nurturing . . . Do I really need to go on?

When we use chocolates and flowers and jewelry as a fallback, we really disrespect those we promised the world to! When we haven’t had an intimate conversation with our spouse in over a month about something other than work or the kids’ schedules, we don’t deserve to be let off the hook by showing up with a dozen roses.

Love me well the other 354 days of the year, please. That’s what I really want.

So, choose wisely what you plan to do tomorrow. While it’s perfectly fine to adhere to the Most Overblown Romantic Holiday of the Year, do so only if you will also resolve to be romantic on other days. Do so only if you’re willing to listen to your mate discuss politics or car engines or free agents whenever he feels the need. Do so only if you will willingly commit to weekly (or even monthly to start) date nights that will help nurture and complete your marriage. Do so only if you show up in the little things: family dinners, long walks, holding hands in the car, attending church together.

Happy Loving Your Mate Day—today and every day!