Lessons on Waiting

2011-12-23T08:42:00.001+08:00

This Christmas...

My prayer is for the victims of typhoon Sendong, for practical, spiritual, and emotional support;
My wish is for a deeper spiritual life, one that involves sitting still in the middle of a green meadow, listening to the distant brook and feeling the gentle breeze on my face;
and My gifts are an open mind and a believing heart, that Jesus may come and save me, so I can help others more.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas!

Galadriella
Gadget Girl
The Obiter Master ;)

Update on "The Waiting Room"

2011-09-14T12:16:00.002+08:00

In a previous post, I wrote about doing something towards expanding my territory and not being anxious about it.Well I forgot to write about the rejection when I got it, probably because my heart was not really in it in the first place. THAT's why I was so detached.

So yes, the plan did not pan out. At least not now. At least not that way.Whether I will get it someday is another matter.

A lot of changes are happening to the people around me. Friends are getting new jobs, dates, husbands, degrees, and careers. I am happy for all of them. A lot of them are leaving. I am staying behind for a reason.

And the reason is, I don't know what I want. Maybe I do, but I don't know how to get it. But then again, maybe I do know how to get it, but I am just too ~~damned~~ scared and lazy to do it.

So the person and the reason I am waiting for, after all, is within me.

I hope God would speak to me on the matter. And I hope to re-learn how to listen. And how to write again.

The Waiting Room

2011-08-24T20:02:00.002+08:00

I'm the girl with the waiting issues, as I have been blogging about since 2003. Of late, however, it seems like I have finally learned an ounce of patience.

I have a particular prayer request and I do not feel impatient towards God at all. Okay, at least not yet. I am willing to wait for this one.

I did my part. I aimed for the stars, and they are my kind of stars. God will know where to find me after this: at the waiting room, smiling.

If it doesn't work, then it's back to the drawing boards for me. At least I tried.

I hope I don't change my mind about this tomorrow.

Just a Question

2011-07-07T14:11:00.000+08:00

I want to say Yes to God. But what is the question?

A Quote from James Joyce

2011-07-04T12:26:00.002+08:00

I know it's been a while. To say that I have been busy is an understatement.

Anyway, something blog-worthy is my amazement at this paragraph from a chapter of great book I am reading, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce.

It was strange too that he found an arid pleasure in following up to the end the rigid lines of the doctrines of the church and penetrating into obscure silences only to hear and feel the more deeply his own condemnation. The sentence of saint James which says that he who offends against one commandment becomes guilty of all, had seemed to him first a swollen phrase until he had begun to grope in the darkness of his own state. From the evil seed of lust all other deadly sins had sprung forth: pride in himself and contempt of others, covetousness In using money for the purchase of unlawful pleasures, envy of those whose vices he could not reach to and calumnious murmuring against the pious, gluttonous enjoyment of food, the dull glowering anger amid which he brooded upon his longing, the swamp of spiritual and bodily sloth in which his whole being had sunk.

These words seem to come from deep within the writer; indeed, this book is based on his real life experiences. I stared at the paragraph and read it again and again. Such truth. Such a magnificent way of stating the truth.

Walking with Jesus This Holy Week

2011-04-17T09:30:00.007+08:00

It is Palm Sunday, a day we remember Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem. Of course we all know that by the middle of the week, the people would change their minds about him and would want him to be hanged. But that is getting ahead of the story.

Palm Sunday also ushers in Holy Week. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines "holy" as:

1 : exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness
2 : divine
3 : devoted entirely to the deity or the work of the deity
4 a : having a divine quality
b : venerated as or as if sacred

The priest, after hearing my confession, said that my invitation is to walk with Jesus in his passion and death in this week, which by definition is to be devoted entirely to Him anyway. I consider it as not asking too much of my time; for one week, out of the more than fifty-two (52) weeks in a year, devoted to prayer, silence, veneration, recollection, meditation, and even solitude. The priest said I might want to ask the Lord, "How do You want me to walk with you?"

I asked Jesus during the anticipated Palm Sunday mass yesterday. Then after that, I saw an answer. I was reminded of my personal cross. I will hoist it above my shoulders and carry it, like my Lord did. I will take up my cross, even embrace it, to follow Jesus.

I could go to the mall, the beach, the pool, the hotel, the resort, on 51 other weeks this year. In fact, I already did some of that. It is time for God, and God alone.

Our parish has this schedule for Holy Week. I invite you to check your parishes as well, and take part in this week, so that we will all feel Easter on Sunday.

Holy Monday = Recollection after the 6 p.m. mass
Holy Wednesday = Kumpisalang Bayan (Went to confession already to avoid the queues.)
Holy Thursday = Chrism Mass, 7 am at the Cathedral (I want to attend for the first time.)
= Commemoration of the Institution of the Eucharist and Washing of the Feet
= Start of Easter Triduum
= Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament
Good Friday = Veneration of the Holy Cross
= Procession
Holy Saturday = Easter Vigil
Easter Sunday = Salubong Mass (I will serve at this mass, my earliest assignment ever.)
= Easter Sunday masses

How about you, how will you walk with Jesus this Holy Week?

The Girl on the Last Row

2011-03-30T13:00:00.003+08:00

When I sing songs about standing before God's throne, or entering His courts, or being in His presence, I see myself running late for a time of heavenly worship and proceeding to the very last row. In fact, when I am viewing this image I often see that I am crawling to my place in the huge hall and wishing God would not notice me. Kind of like the daughter who got in way past her curfew, tiptoeing through the living room and hoping to get to the stairs unnoticed.

As if that were possible. God not noticing me, that is. But that is a recurring image. Usually I would be carrying heavy stuff - musical instruments, song sheets, journals, bibles, notepads, pens, fans, and every other load for the whole congregation - and I would see myself trying to avoid making a noise or inviting attention to myself. Good thing that this always takes place in heaven, where the others with me would be fixing their eyes on Jesus and His majesty, and not being disturbed, really, by my lateness. Or my extra luggage.

Last Sunday, I modified the image. Well, it was probably a daydream by then, because while we were singing during mass, I saw myself playing the guitar, again in the Worship Hall in Heaven, but from the very back. It was a glaring image of my feeling of unworthiness. In my limited imagination, I could only see the Catholic saints surrounding the Throne, followed by the good people - the missionaries, the priests, the nuns, the teachers, the mothers, and the fathers. In that hierarchy, the humble, selfless, and generous people would be on the next circle, and so on and so forth. I would be grateful just to be in the same room as those souls. But I would be playing music, faintly, from my inconspicuous spot. It is a daydream because I play the piano and not the guitar, although I own two of the latter.

The image, or the vision, depending on who sees it, has stayed with me for several days now. Me, wanting to be close to God, but thinking I do not deserve to be in His presence. And the growing answer within me is that God is not like that. Or heaven would not be exactly like that.

God would know where I am at any point in time, so it would be useless, really, to try to enter the Hall unnoticed. Like what I do some Sundays when I am not serving for mass and I get delayed by some trivial thing.

God is inviting me to sit close to Him. Or wherever I am in the room, I would feel His presence and His love, which is no less than the love He has for the saints and the angels. In fact He is said to rejoice at every sinner who turns away from their evil ways. So it is possible that I would bring joy to my Heavenly Father just by trying to be with Him even with all my baggage and distractions.

A long time ago, I thought I would be in Row 1 in heaven. Regular confession and daily communion. Service that cost blood, sweat, and tears. Lengthy prayer time. Spiritual books and music, alone. Spiritual friends all around me.

But I have stumbled and continue to do so. Christian life has become more meaningful when I acknowledged my weaknesses and imperfections. Right now I see myself, the times when I think I would be able to enter Heaven at all, on the very Last Row. But it should not matter. It does not matter.

Because God sees me and is with me even when I am on the Last Row.

"And behold, some are last who will be first, and some are first who will be last.” (Lk 13:30, ESV)

Creating Space for Lent and Easter

2011-02-26T17:12:00.006+08:00

I attended a seminar on the Easter Triduum given by a liturgist today, and was utterly fascinated. If only all the people could hear, understand, and appreciate why the Mother of All Vigils is done that way. (If only I would stop being a fence-sitter, and start doing something about it.)

I enjoyed the seminar as much as much as I did the weekly Scripture Study with our parish priest that I used to be able to attend, before my classes were scheduled on the same night. I soaked up all the historical and traditional background, the relevant teachings of the Church, the writings of the early Church fathers, the theological significance, and the practical application. Even the bloopers that were caused by overzealousness, or overeagerness, by some people, were interesting. I liked the way the speaker, Dean Marc Martin, gave the cultural and social context to many of the Lenten observances, and taught us how to focus on the essential matters alone.

It was great just to sit and listen together with my fellow lectors and commentators, as well as the lay ministers. I prayed for a more meaningful Lent and a joyous Easter, and to be the kind of servant who would create space for these two beautiful seasons.

The Day Before I Went Home

2011-01-21T08:49:00.001+08:00

I must admit that I still have post-holiday hangover. So once in a while I will blog about my trip to attempt to document that which I was not able to process immediately.

For the Sunday mass on the Baptism of the Lord, I went to Our Lady of Dolours in Chatswood. It was right after Christmas Day, also known as Boxing Day in those parts. The streets were very quiet. On the way home, my father and I were the only people on the bus!

Many Asians go to mass here. There's even a Filipino mass once a month where Pinoy food is served afterwards. The parishioners do it potluck and they bring their individual specialties. I skipped this one as I didn't actually miss Pinoy food while I was away.

I returned to this Church the week after, during the Feast of the Epiphany. As if to close the book on my holiday, to prepare me for Ordinary Time.

I had mixed feelings that day. I was very, very grateful for how the six weeks had turned out. At the same time I was very sad as I was leaving and going back to the real world, my real life, and all my responsibilities. Most of all, I was going to miss my parents, my niece, my Ate, and my brother-in-law.

I talked to God, thanking Him profusely, asking Him to take care of my family. I also recognized how blessed I was, that it was time of spring again. And then I asked Him to show me what He wanted me to bring home - what attitudes, goals, hopes, and experiences should stand out. Of course everything I had seen and done would forever stay with me - it was, after all, a life-changing trip inside and out - but they were all mixed inside my head. I needed clarity as I started a new year and a new life.

I was very much aware of how the seasons had changed while I was in Oz. I arrived just before Advent started, and it was still springtime in Sydney. The neighborhood I lived in, Lane Cove, was covered in Jacaranda lilac. It was so beautiful. It was also, more importantly, the First Sunday of Advent. I finished Advent, attended Christmas, all the way to the Feast of the Three Kings.

My mother removed the Christmas decor the day that I left for home. My family back home and officemates were so sweet as to wait for me before removing their belens, Christmas trees, and other decorations. I was touched.

I got a warm welcome everywhere I went. I thus did not feel so sad. A bit disorientated, yes (I used to say "disoriented"), but not really out of place.

I am now living in two worlds, at home in both. Just like the movie Inception, however, I had to wake up from my beautiful dream and to start living again. I will be back to dream land soon, and perhaps one day my reality will involve just one world. Just one life. Someday.

Awesome Oz

2011-01-11T09:18:00.011+08:00

Our God is an awesome God. I asked for very little for my trip - just a chance to meet old friends, make new friends, celebrate with family, visit Hunter Valley, watch U2, and rest. I know, that sounds grand already, doesn't it?

I got so much more.

My niece is the loveliest niece on earth. I know all doting aunts say that, so sue me. But she is! I miss waking up to her smile and watching her dance in her playpen and carrying all 10 kilos of her. I am grateful that she is a healthy, happy baby.

I got to see the doctor of my dreams. Please see previous post for more on that. I'm on the road to health myself and, consequently, happiness.

I went on several dates. I'm not talking about sticky date pudding, which was hands down the best dessert I had during that trip, but I got to meet real men of different nationalities, all university graduates, and a few of them I did find interesting.

I went to beautiful beaches. I visited several churches, some for the first time. I slept over old friends' houses. I met a wonderful family who shared their story with me.

I attended many parties, the most fabulous of which was hosted by my sister and my brother-in-law. I stayed in a hotel with the most amazing view of the Sydney Opera House and the Harbour Bridge.

I was able to spend a mighty long time with my family, whom I've missed the past year due to our distance from one another. That was really awesome. Although we weren't complete, technology brought us closer to the rest.

I got to be there when Sydney was at the height of Oprah Fever. I made several trips to the grocery store, which all my friends know is my favorite chore. Next to doing the laundry of course, which I got to perform. Several times!!! Then I was able to conquer my sister's kitchen with a few dishes that were instant hits. I even attended my high school reunion online, at a batchmate's house, via live feed.

The ending was fitting - I watched the amazing fireworks display on New Year's Eve along with 1.5 million people who gathered at the Sydney Harbour. I learned that there were more people in Sydney Harbour that night than in New York City's Times Square. As the sky lit up in vibrant colors shooting from barges, buildings, and that famous bridge, I could not help but thank God for the grand ending to my holiday.

All in all, my vacation was not bad. Not bad at all. In fact, it was awesome!!! I am grateful to God, my family, and my friends for making this possible. I am trying to snap out of the vacation mode. The Church has started Ordinary Time after the Baptism of the Lord. Having spent Advent and Christmas in a special way, I am aware of the change in season.

Just like I prayed, I have been changed by this trip. I will write more about it in the future. I have created a slideshow of my favorite shots and will include a link here sometime.

Meanwhile, I am crawling back to reality as a changed woman. As to how, I will find the inspiration to write about it sometime soon.

How I Met My Dr. House

2010-12-16T19:53:00.007+08:00

I rarely watch TV these days so my friends get frustrated when they want to discuss the politics of West Wing or the mysteries of Lost or the latest showbiz buzz and I give them a blank stare. However, there are a few shows, and characters in particular, who interest me.

One of those characters is Dr. House, pictured above. I like him because he is brilliant, cranky, and decisive. He is like a sharp-shooter when it comes to diagnosing patients with conflicting symptoms. The relief on the faces of the patients and their families each time he detects their mysterious illnesses and cures them is something that never fails to move me. He appears to be tough but he cares about people more than he wants to admit. I think I just described my ideal man, but I digress...

I think I may have met my Dr. House yesterday here in Sydney, Australia. Yes, something meaningful and life-changing has happened to me during this vacation, even with all the occasions my family is celebrating, and in the midst of the city's frenzy over Oprah's visit. My elation after this particular doctor's appointment even eclipsed my excitement at watching U2's concert the night before.

I have a medical condition, detected in 1994, which is not life-threatening, at least not yet, but which has caused me much grief over the years. I will not tell you what it is exactly because this is a sensitive topic for me. What I want to share is how God answered my prayer to be taken off my medication which has side effects that were driving me, and, consequently, the poor people around me, crazy.

For the past 15 years I have taken many blood and ultrasound tests that I did not welcome and consulted many doctors who have given me different ways of taking the same medication, which had become like the bane of my existence. Increasingly, I experienced vertigo, nausea, migraine, depression, mood swings, and weight gain. I once consulted a Chinese doctor in Shenzhen who told me that Western medicine always came with side effects. He prescribed a bottle of pills that cost me my entire stipend for that business trip, but it was worth it. For the next three months I was healthy and happy. Unfortunately, I could not read the label on the bottle and was never able to purchase it again because I could not remember the place and did not get the name of the doctor.

It came to a point when I refused to see doctors anymore about this condition. I also stubbornly resisted having another ultrasound test. I went to God in prayer and asked Him to heal me on many sleepless nights. I shed tears, saying that I knew there were millions of people with more serious illnesses, but I could be a better person if He healed me. I thought God didn't hear me at all. I was wrong.

Last year, my sister who is based in Sydney told me that she was referred to a specialist who diagnosed that she had a medical condition which was related to my condition. She was all praises for this doctor, whom I shall call Dr. House, because he was a pioneer and world-class and professional and brilliant. Dr. House apparently told her that her siblings with similar symptoms should take the same test she took and be given the medication he had prescribed her. That sibling was me and my sister practically nagged me to get my behind to a specialist and to take that test. I tried and tried but that test, as Dr. House described it, did not seem to be available in my city, or at least out of my reach.

In the meantime, the migraine attacks and other side effects became more debilitating for me, so I saw another doctor, supposedly a specialist, who increased the dosage of my medicine. I became very sleepy as a result, and was unproductive for the months that I was on that increased dosage. I finally had enough and self-medicated by lowering the dosage.

Then I went on this trip to Sydney for a holiday. My family conspired to make me go to Dr. House. I was resistant, naturally, for I saw him as yet another doctor who could not tell me something I did not already know. Plus I was tired of relating my medical history over and over again. I went to mass and prayed hard for a quiet heart. I lifted up to God my consultation and the results. I put my trust and my hope in Him.

First, I had to take his famous blood test. A note on this, my veins are very thin so it takes more than one try to get a test tube full of blood. For this test, 6 tubes were taken from me, from four different veins, in a span of two hours. The blood collector assigned to me, an Asian, was thankfully very good, but still she had to use the butterfly needle on my hands several times just to get enough for the test. I was weak and hungry by the time I left the clinic, and had to sleep several hours to recover from the experience.

The day of my consultation came and I did not want to be late for my mother and I had Googled Dr. House and had seen how widely known and respected he was in his field. I waited for an hour, and this would have normally ruined my mood, but I did not mind. As I told him later, he was worth the wait.

When he called me by my first name I felt important and recognized, like a little girl picked up by Santa Claus from the crowd. So I followed him to his office and sat down. He went over my account of my medical history. He knew, for his nice secretary told him, that I did not have Medicare and had to pay a lot to get his required test done. Then, he began to explain my test results and what my real condition was. I listened to his every word. He used PowerPoint slides, which endeared him to me. THAT was the way I wanted my doctor to explain to me. Scientific, accurate, and authoritative.

He told me that two things could worsen my condition: the medication I was taking (I was sooo right about that!), and stress. The first one was easy as he prescribed for me the cheapest brand of the right medicine I should have been taking. I asked him what to do about the stress part because it was an occupational hazard for lawyers, and he said I had to see a pscychologist for that, as he had advised all his professional patients. He answered patiently after my every question. I interrupted him when I did not understand. He even anticipated my questions because every time I would start to frown due to incomprehension, he would go back a slide and explain further.

He painted my road to health for the rest of my life in the most convincing manner that it was as if a bright light had enveloped the darkness in my mind. I felt tears starting to form in the midst of our consultation and I fought them back. I invited him to come to my country to lecture to at least the 7 doctors who had misdiagnosed me and to all the doctors in that field, not to disparage them, but because his findings were amazing. He said I should understand that those doctors were concentrating on a different area, not realizing that it was related to another area of my body. Some of them also went the easy way out of addressing the symptoms and not the cause. I asked when he started publishing his findings and he said 1998. I said I wished I had met him then, for I felt cheated of 12 years of my life. I told him some of the things the other doctors had said to me and he replied that if those were done in Australia, the offending doctor would be facing a lawsuit already.

He also had a sense of humor. He measured my height but I forgot that I was wearing my sunglasses like a head band. He said, "Take those off! You're cheating. Like a lawyer." Laughing, I removed my sunglasses and restrained the urge to give Dr. House a bear hug. He informed me so much of my body that I felt like I saw and appreciated it for the very first time.

I was reminded of Helen Hunt's character, Carol the Waitress, from the movie "As Good as It Gets", when she could not stop thanking Jack Nicholson's character, Melvin, for sending the right doctor to her house to heal her sick child. She was so grateful for the miracle that Melvin got embarrassed. If I had the chance I would pour those words of gratitude to my Dr. House. But I did not want to embarrass him.

He gave me a huge discount, considering my situation of not having the Australian government pay for his professional fees. He also showed me a slide that said something like all I needed now, after diet, exercise, and the medicine he had prescribed, was to wait for the right man. I said, "Could you please prescribe one for me, and also send me to the right warehouse where I could get a discount?" He laughed out loud and said I could call him anytime and he would be happy to talk to me, free of charge, if I had any questions about my condition and his prescription. That was generous of him. His professional fees were worth a transatlantic trip. My sister said that I bonded with Dr. House more than she did.

After thanking him and his secretary profusely, I left the office. Every step I took became lighter than the previous one. I had to stop in the middle of the bus station to thank God for this answered prayer. So He was acting, after all. So He was going to save me from my sufferings, after all. So there was an end to my crying, after all.

I celebrated by buying myself a healthy tuna sandwich on wheat with ranch dressing from Subway. I missed the bus by doing this but I did not mind. I decided that MY doctor was indeed a cross between Dr. House and Santa Claus. Most of all, I recognized that he was sent by God, through my family.

If this is my Advent, I am sure that Christmas will be even happier.

Mass at St. Patrick's Church

2010-12-12T20:07:00.008+08:00

Today is the third Sunday of Advent. I was able to attend mass at St. Patrick's Church in The Rocks for the first time.

Although the mass is the same everywhere, I am making a pilgrimage around Sydney's Catholic churches this season of Advent.

The priest wore rose vestments to signify that Advent is drawing to a close and the Lord Jesus is coming soon!

I prayed for greater focus because I had many distractions. There have been movements in my heart but I have not had the opportunity to pray about them as much as I would have wanted.

This was even made more manifest when I got distracted by two little boys' whining during mass. They cried nonstop. I prayed for the grace to restrain myself from giving the boys' parents dagger looks. I was, after all, in the house of God and was supposed to be participating at mass. I thought the boys were disturbing the whole congregation, but after mass I asked my father if he noticed the noise, but he said he did not. Papa must have been praying while I was complaining.

I related it to the way I looked at the week ahead. I came to mass with much anxiety about an upcoming checkup and an event I did not plan to go to. I was so consumed by all my fears when I should have been grateful for the opportunity to be seen by a world-class doctor and to meet new people at the event.

Even up to now, I still hold on to the worry button when I should be filled with gratitude, appreciation, and excitement. I have to consciously clean my thoughts so I would look at the blessings instead of the challenges.

So I asked God to give me the grace to believe in Him more so my fear would give way to joy.

I saw this sign at the store: 12 more shopping days until Christmas. For a Christian, this sign should read: Twelve more days until we remember the first Christmas!

I wonder where I will attend mass next week. I am certain that by then I would be reporting all good news for the things I prayed about today. For I am well into Advent, the season of Hope.

Now Showing: Voyage of the Dawn Treader

2010-12-11T18:01:00.003+08:00

I highly recommend Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. I found it was much, much better than Prince Caspian, as I fell asleep while watching the latter on HBO, despite the boy-next-door charm of the lead character.

In the third book to be made into a movie, Lucy has grown up and is no longer the innocent and cute little queen we have loved from The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. In this film, she struggles with her self-image issues and battles with her insecurities. Edmund is still haunted by the White Witch somehow and deals with his baggage about always playing second fiddle. And Caspian... what can I say about Caspian? If I were a teenager I would be swooning over him. He has transformed from prince into king splendidly.

I watched it on 3D so the special effects were more magnificent. I thought I would be seasick but thankfully, I did not. The film was so realistic I momentarily thought I had water on my 3D glasses.

The movie's Christian theme, injected in a few lines all throughout, came to a glorious end with the appearance of Aslan. Somehow, it made sense that he did not come early to rescue the young people from their battles. They had to go through them, to fight the darkness inside them and to face their fears with courage.

The faith and hope that the characters had was contagious. By the end of the film I too wanted to believe that I must not shy away from adventure, that I had all the tools and weapons to fight my enemies, and I would happily meet Aslan, but by the Name He is known in this world.

This movie is for God's children, for them to be in Narnia again so they can go back to the real world knowing that God is real. He is there for all His children.

I have to refrain myself from adding spoilers here. Please watch it and believe again.

A New Church Every Week

2010-12-05T05:56:00.004+08:00

This season of Advent, one of the blessings I have received is the opportunity to visit a different parish every Sunday.

Last week, I attended mass here:

This was at St Peter and Paul's, Wisdom St Garran, ACT, where 17 priests from the Missionaries of God's Love concelebrated the mass. It was their 25th anniversary and also a time when brothers made initial vows and promises.

Then yesterday, I was in Lane Cove, Sydney. I heard mass with my father at the church where my sister got married:

Next week, I will post another photo. And maybe my advent reflections too. :)

Growing Back

2010-11-30T19:30:00.003+08:00

I feel there is a movement in my heart. The journey I have temporarily abandoned is becoming more real and possible. I can see my resistance and pretend indifference. But I am sufficiently intrigued.

After finding myself in a place, with people, totally outside of my plans last weekend, I saw God's hand in everything again. It made me laugh and cry.

I am on vacation in a faraway place. Hence, the clarity.

I hope to come home a changed person.

A New Beginning

2010-11-21T01:40:00.005+08:00

I find myself on the receiving end of blessings right now. Life is a wheel and there are times when all I see are challenges and difficulties. I am grateful for the chance to recognize God's gifts. Perhaps it is my heart that changes perspective.

I went to our parish to serve as Lector at mass, conscious that it would be my last chance to serve this year, since I am going away on vacation. I knew that it was also going to be my last Sunday mass at that church for 2010. That it happened on the last Sunday in Ordinary Time for the liturgical year seemed significant for me. It was a solemn Eucharistic celebration and I felt, I sensed, something. I felt God moving my heart, and opening it up for the new things that lie just around the corner.

Next week, a new liturgical year starts with the first Sunday of Advent. And I will not be hearing mass here. I will be in another place, not part of my plan but a huge blessing nevertheless, to be with the Missionaries of God's Love's 25th anniversary and to witness a friend's initial vows.

I will also have a golden opportunity to celebrate many birthdays and occasions with my family. I am looking forward to everything, not just the planned trips but also the lazy afternoons with my favorite niece (I have only one). I am going to a once-in-a-lifetime concert event (U2!) that I have never even dreamed possible for me to attend. I will also be with my siblings and parents whom I have missed the past year.

I will leave my workplace and my home temporarily to come back to them refreshed. I will meet new people and hang out with old friends. I will visit new places and rediscover favorite haunts. I will take photos and write in my journal. The last vacation like this that I had was five years ago. Exactly five years ago.

I have forgiven, I have loved, I have given, I have received. My heart is light. Work is hard but I am still able to find joy in it. I have found who my real friends are. I have redefined my service and purpose in life. These were my thoughts during mass. I thanked God for them all. My heart seems to have expanded.

I cannot fully express what is happening, because so many things are happening. One thing is for sure, this is all God's plan unfolding. And I am genuinely surprised.

The Distance Between Us

2010-11-18T08:53:00.002+08:00

I like this quote from an unknown source:

If there is distance between you and God, guess who moved?

So apt for my current situation.

What Does It Mean to be Catholic?

2010-10-01T12:39:00.002+08:00

I will begin by saying this post is not an attempt to answer the question raised in my title. The raging discussion on the Reproductive Health bill has made me ask, however, how I will stand up for my faith.

The Church has threatened, although I heard that the statement was later on taken back, of excommunicating President Noynoy Aquino if he does not change his stand about giving artificial contraceptives to the people. As my friend has posted on Facebook, this is not helpful in promoting a productive dialogue between the Church and the government regarding this. Even though the Church can choose to do this, stating it now is not a wise move, for this will just raise more voices of protest, as it indeed has.

The Church is being blamed for going back a hundred years to the days of Jose Rizal, when there was no separation of Church and State, and the Spanish friars meddled in the affairs of the government. This led the famous tour guide Carlos Celdran to don one of his costumes and interrupt an ecumenical service inside the Manila Cathedral by carrying a placard carrying the name of the most notorious friar in Rizal's novels, "Damaso", an obvious, but effective, pro-RH bill publicity stunt, and to allow himself to be incarcerated to elicit sympathy for his cause. He reportedly will post bail this afternoon and has this to say to P.Noy: "Be strong, man. If you will be excommunicated, sabay tayo" ("I'll join you.").

I am one integrated whole, not compartmentalized into 1 part Filipino, 2 parts lawyer, 3 parts woman, and 5 parts Catholic. I am a Catholic Filipino woman lawyer. But my views are personal to me, and I do not want to impose them to those who do not agree with me. C'est la vie.

I believe that sex should be confined within the bounds of a Catholic marriage, that it has a pro-creative purpose and thus, I do not support the use of artificial contraceptives. Abortion is abhorrent to me as it is a form of murder - life begins at the time of conception. There are areas that are within God's jurisdiction - everything, actually, but in some areas His control is more obvious and complete - and creation of life is one of them. I believe in restraint, that there is a time and place for everything.

But, as a lawyer I can see that there might be a question of jurisdiction. What of non-Catholics? What of atheists and agnostics? They do not care what the Church thinks. They do not think they are bound by it, for they deem themselves outside of the Church. Hence, the spate of protests, and the persistence in being given the choice to use artificial means of contraception. Would it be possible to limit the distribution to these non-Catholics alone? Is this an option?

And what of the Catholics who wish to use them? I think this is a personal matter, one between the couple and their God. If they were members of a Catholic community which seeks to make a clear united stand, then they can be corrected. Otherwise, it is up to them if they want to confess or if they want to keep doing it. I cannot judge them, not being married and not having faced the problem yet of not wanting to get pregnant or not being able to support another child.

So many questions, all of which I can get passionate about. I pray for sobriety in resolving this matter. The state governs the whole nation - not 100% of which is Catholic. The Catholic Church, however, intends to make its stand and to stop this now, lest the gates be opened to other evils like intentional abortion. I hope that the Church makes its stand not in the way the world would, though.

No matter what they decide, I know what I personally believe in, and I have jurisdiction of my mind, my body, my thoughts, my decisions. In my life I am a Catholic. A Filipino. A lawyer. A woman. My choices are governed by who I really am.

Of Dragons That are Princesses

2010-09-15T09:20:00.003+08:00

This is my 1,001st post. I have not written anything new for months. When you write for a living, and when you don't seem your private thoughts worth reading, you run out of words for blogging.

I may have borrowed these same words before, but I find they speak to me now, and of me:

How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races, the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses?
Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage.
Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.
So you mustn't be frightened, if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do.
You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall.

(From LETTERS TO A YOUNG POET by Rainer Maria Rilke)

As always, I do not attempt to interpret beauty. I will let these words envelop you, as they have done for me.

There is a voice inside my head whispering this. It is Vincent, from the soundtrack of "Beauty and the Beast: Of Love and Hope."

A Call to Prayer: For Priests and All Catholics

2010-04-21T10:26:00.007+08:00

It is an interesting time to be a Catholic. The Church is on the news everyday.

As in all things heartbreaking, however, I had been unable to write about the spate of sexual abuse scandals, until now. Up until recently, the allegations of pedophilia had mostly surfaced in other parts of the world. I had the luxury of not knowing the accused. To my chagrin, I saw a familiar name in the news a few days ago.

I will not elaborate on that particular news item, as the Church authorities are taking steps to address the problem already, but I have been moved to express my thoughts on the recent scandals that are rocking the Roman Catholic church.

I won't be one to point an accusing finger. I know that I'm a sinner and that I belong to a Church which is run by men, not angels, and thus sinners like me. But I will not use this as an excuse for the transgressors' behavior. Despite the pain it has caused me and millions of faithful around the world, I have to thank the media for relentlessly exposing these issues because in doing so, they have forced the Vatican to review how they accept men into the priesthood, what kind of support they give to the priests, and what changes they must institute in order to insure that the abhorrent acts committed to children will not happen again. This includes the radical moving away from the silence and secrecy policy, when such is unnecessary.

Everyone's suddenly become an armchair critic, naturally. Some Atheists even want Pope Benedict arrested. Journalists, bishops, and priests have applied pop psychology and given their own opinions as to the source of the problem, whether it be homosexuality, or celibacy, or pornography. Non-practicing Catholics and people of other faiths and religions have blogged and commented lambasting the Church, the Vatican, the Pope, and the priests. For the past several weeks, I have tried to absorb as much as I can through Google Reader.

The faithful have defended the Holy Father, saying that contrary to accusations, he had taken concrete steps to address the problem of pedophilia. Many Catholics have defended why they have chosen to remain, and I laud all these efforts at finding solutions, and accepting the criticisms.

The timing is perfect, really. Last year, Pope Benedict XVI declared a Year of the Priests from June 2009 - June 2010, and at our parish, we pray for the sanctification of priests. Everyday. What we lay people must do is to continue to pray for them, for we should not forget the power of prayer. It cannot be a coincidence that just when we are stepping up our intercession for the priesthood, the enemy decides to go to the next level in attacking the church. In this fight, we know Jesus is on our side and that we belong to the victor.

Let us also pray that no more children be victimized, and no more women abused, by the very shepherds that are supposed to guard their flock. For all the victims, may they find justice, peace, provision, and healing.

This is what we recite everyday at the Parish of St. Benedict

Daily Prayer for Priests

O Almighty, Eternal God, look upon the Face of Your
Son and for love of Him, who is the Eternal High Priest,
have pity on Your priests. Remember, O most compassionate
God, that they are but weak and frail human beings.
Stir up in them the grace of their vocation which
is in them by the imposition of the bishop’s hands. Keep
them close to You, lest the enemy prevail against them,
so that they may never do anything in the slightest degree
unworthy of their sublime vocation.

O Jesus, I pray for Your faithful and fervent priests;
for Your unfaithful and tepid priests; for Your priests laboring
at home or abroad in distant mission fields; for
Your tempted priests; for the lonely and desolate priests;
for Your young priests; for Your dying priests; for the
souls of Your priests in purgatory.

But above all, I commend to you the
priests dearest to me, the priest who baptized me, the
priests who have absolved me from my sins, the priests
at whose Masses I have assisted and who have offered
me Your Body and Blood in Holy Communion, the
priests who have taught and instructed me or helped
and encouraged me, and the priests to whom I am
indebted in any other way.

O Jesus, keep them all close to Your Heart, and bless
them abundantly in time and in eternity. Amen.

I have asked the priests in our parish what they think about this. I know them to be faithful and prayerful priests, who struggle to remain faithful to their vocation. The priests in the news may give the priesthood a bad name, but let us not forget the thousands who minister to us and serve God sincerely and honestly. The priests I have talked to said that it is time for the Church to heal and grow, and we should weather this storm using prayer as a weapon, and we must put our trust in the Lord.

I think it is pointless to find someone to blame, for We, the people, are the Church. It is not just the Pope, or the Vatican, or the bishops, priests, deacons, and seminarians. We are as much a part of the solution. I join you in prayer, my brothers and sisters - for the grace to overcome these scandals with God's truth, justice, mercy, forgiveness, healing, and love.

What I Did For Love

2010-04-10T20:21:00.006+08:00

Sometimes, I still want to do it all over again. I still want to do God's work full time. It's still in my heart. The desire is still alive, after everything that has happened.

Regular readers of this blog know that chapter in my life when I quit being a lawyer for a while to serve full-time in Lingkod. But that only happened for a period of two years, after which I felt the need to go back to practice my profession and earn a living.

Five years after making that decision, I am now involved in various ministries, albeit not on a full-time basis. What time I used to give to my trans-parochial community, I now give to our parish. Although still able to pray in the charismatic way, I now spend time in silence before the Blessed Sacrament more often than I used to. I continue to read spiritual books. I observe the liturgical calendar more closely because of my parish involvement, and have grown to draw peace and strength from these observances.

A friend from Lingkod pointed out that I am still a missionary at heart, and what brings me joy is to do God's work. In being part of the Lectors and Commentators, attending Scripture study, going to the BEC seminars, giving talks to the youth, counting the mass collection, participating in the prayer meetings, or talking to my co-servants in the parish, I have reached a different level in my spiritual journey, and I am grateful for where I am now.

This is the year of pruning and disciplining for me: less of the world, more of the Lord. Circumstances in my life prevent me from going out too much, or living a lifestyle of a single young professional without a care in the world. With more responsibilities at home and at work, my free time is best spent doing what I love the most. And I have discovered that going to parties, hanging out in noisy bars, and wasting time on frivolous (to me) matters no longer appeal to me. At least, I cannot afford to do them.

In my prayer time, I feel God calling me more deeply into a relationship with Him. Everything I do now is in pursuit of that. As for the people and events that do not fit my present situation, I believe there is a proper time for everything. Friends, if they are true, will understand and eventually go with the changes in tastes and preferences. Opportunities, well, they will come as long as I give my best to my job. I am not at all afraid of losing out or being left behind, just because my calendar is filled with work, errands, service, or sleep.

I can still do it - one day. But for now, I live each day with God, walking with Him, waiting for Him, listening to Him, and encountering Him in the people that I deal with, whether they are aware of it or not. This is another step in trying to please my Audience of One, and no longer the whole world. I am happy to note how love grows through time, and how in knowing myself more, I can love God more.

What I did for love, I can still do now, wherever I am, with whomever I choose. I am more confident in this, after the first experience of a radical lifestyle. I'm a little subdued now, maybe, as a factor of age. But guess what? I am so much happier.

On the Third Day, He Rose Again

2010-04-04T16:04:00.005+08:00

Bells have been silent since midnight of Holy Thursday, only to burst in jubilant praise during the Easter Vigil when Catholics commemorate Jesus' triumph in the resurrection.

I walked with the Santo Entierro last Good Friday, together with my parents and friends from the parish. We did it prayerfully and joyfully. After hearing the Seven Last Words and attending the Celebration of the Lord's Passion, the one and a half-hour walk was invigorating, bringing into action what my heart was saying in response to the Love that God had shown. The procession was followed by the Tenebrae (the Office of Shadow and Darkness), where the priests chanted a memorial service for the Lord, and the lights in the church were turned off one by one, until all that was left was one candle symbolizing the hope that Jesus would rise again on Easter.

And indeed, He rose again on the third day. A chorus of hallelujahs burst from the earth, echoing the heavenly song as God fulfilled His promise of a Savior, who willingly died for our sins, and rose again to show victory over both death and sin.

In the coming days, I hope I could write what took place in my personal retreat during this recent Easter Triduum. I was moved to pray in a deeper way and to appreciate the depth and the breadth of God's Love for me.

Happy Feast of the Resurrection! Let us rise again because we have no more reason to stay in the darkness. Jesus' light is shining on us. It is a beautiful day. It is Easter Sunday.

By His Stripes We Are Healed

2010-04-02T08:42:00.003+08:00

It is a Good Friday to remember what He has done for us: by His stripes we are healed.

Isaiah

Chapter 53
1
Who would believe what we have heard? To whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
2
1 He grew up like a sapling before him, like a shoot from the parched earth; There was in him no stately bearing to make us look at him, nor appearance that would attract us to him.
3
2 He was spurned and avoided by men, a man of suffering, accustomed to infirmity, One of those from whom men hide their faces, spurned, and we held him in no esteem.
4
3 Yet it was our infirmities that he bore, our sufferings that he endured, While we thought of him as stricken, as one smitten by God and afflicted.
5
But he was pierced for our offenses, crushed for our sins, Upon him was the chastisement that makes us whole, by his stripes we were healed.
6
We had all gone astray like sheep, each following his own way; But the LORD laid upon him the guilt of us all.
7
Though he was harshly treated, he submitted and opened not his mouth; Like a lamb led to the slaughter or a sheep before the shearers, he was silent and opened not his mouth.
8
Oppressed and condemned, he was taken away, and who would have thought any more of his destiny? When he was cut off from the land of the living, and smitten for the sin of his people,
9
A grave was assigned him among the wicked and a burial place with evildoers, Though he had done no wrong nor spoken any falsehood.
10
4 (But the LORD was pleased to crush him in infirmity.) If he gives his life as an offering for sin, he shall see his descendants in a long life, and the will of the LORD shall be accomplished through him.
11
Because of his affliction he shall see the light in fullness of days; Through his suffering, my servant shall justify many, and their guilt he shall bear.
12
Therefore I will give him his portion among the great, and he shall divide the spoils with the mighty, Because he surrendered himself to death and was counted among the wicked; And he shall take away the sins of many, and win pardon for their offenses.

Sitting with Jesus in the Garden

2010-04-01T20:37:00.003+08:00

It is Holy Thursday, the start of the Easter Triduum.

I bow my knee.

I still my heart.

I read God's Word.

I contemplate His Son's Love.

There is no music that captures this time for me,

Only silence.

I know He is within me,

And my concerns are in His hands.

I lift up my eyes to heaven

and remember.

The sacrifice, the love,

My salvation, from Above.

Everything else is noise,

Distraction, unwelcome.

For now I remember Jesus' passion and death

And hope in His rising again.

He is inviting me

To sit with Him for at least one hour.

Jesus went to the garden,

and I will go with Him.

(Photo from this site.)

Raising the Bar

2010-03-26T09:28:00.004+08:00

Good Friday or Easter Sunday? It would feel like one or the other for the 5,903 bar candidates later, once the list of passers is released.

Since I now work for the Supreme Court, I have the honor and the privilege of returning the favor of checking the names of my friends from the list. Kind souls did it for me 10 years ago. I did not have the courage to go to the SC until I knew for sure that my name was on the list. So somebody else had to check the list for me.

I have friends from the office, Lingkod, my alma mater U.P., and the school where I teach, Lyceum of the Philippines University College of Law, who took the bar examinations last September 2009. I am excited for them. I think I will cry if some of them do not make it.

My own bar saga is in this blog here, here, here, and here.

I lift my hands and pray for those who are waiting. I know the feeling. God bless.